October 14, 2025 • 17 mins
What if the mind’s “savings plan” is quietly bankrupting your future? We unpack the false economy of victimhood...the way the primal brain seeks comfort, avoids pain, and conserves energy by recycling old stories and calling them wins. From “I can’t lose weight” to “I’ll never get promoted” to “I was betrayed; I can’t move on,” we trace how these narratives deliver quick relief while costing health, intimacy, confidence, and possibility. With warmth and clarity, we de-shame the pull of familiarity, reveal the counterfeit rewards that feel good now, and show how to choose stories that actually pay dividends over time.
Drawing on coaching experience with women navigating identity, faith, and ambition, we walk through examples across health, love, work, money, and forgiveness. We examine how labels and diagnoses can be both lifelines and traps, and we reframe them as tools for tailored progress rather than ceilings. You’ll hear simple, compassionate practices to loosen stuck patterns: naming the benefits your brain is chasing, counting hidden costs, and designing low-friction actions that your nervous system can accept.
Expect practical reflection prompts, language you can use with yourself today, and a gentle plan to re-allocate mental energy from short-term comfort to long-term freedom.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:04):
Welcome to Islamic Life Code School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, Dr.
Damal After.
SPEAKER_01 (00:15):
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today I'm going to be talkingabout the benefits of being a
victim.
Now superficially it might soundlike it's not even possible.
How can anyone benefit frombeing a victim?
But what I'm going to tell youis that the primal brain runs on
a false economy.
It tells you there are certainbenefits of being a victim and
(00:36):
we're going to explore whatthose are today.
In my coaching, I see women putso much heart and effort into
noticing their limiting patternsand working on them.
That effort is super liberating.
It's powerful to watch thesewomen invest in themselves at
that level with honesty andcourage.
But sometimes, despite of theirbest efforts, their brain gets
(00:58):
stuck in the same story, thestory of victimhood.
And it happens veryunintentionally and under the
radar.
The brain continues to say I'm avictim of betrayal, I'm a victim
of poor parenting, I'm a victimof the economy, victim of my
weight, victim of my skin color.
What's interesting is that evenwhen women recognize that story,
(01:21):
even when they know it's thevery reason that they've come to
coaching, the lower brain keepsthem in the same story creating
the same reasons over and overagain, despite of this rational
knowledge.
And this lower brain isextremely creative in an effort
to keep benefiting from thatvictimhood story, these quote
unquote benefits that we'restill going to explore, this
(01:43):
lower brain continues to keepdecorating the same story and
presents it over and over againlike it's new.
It adds new details, spins thestory over and over again with
sometimes slightly new detailsor sometimes completely new.
The three currencies that theprimal brain works with is seek
comfort, avoid pain, conserveenergy.
(02:04):
So in order to remain in thatbeneficial currency, it's going
to spin the same story ofvictimhood, although for the
most part women are able to healaround it.
But if the story keeps goingback, don't be surprised.
And this is the paradox ofgrowth.
You can be totally committed tochange and sometimes still find
yourself pulled back into thecomfort of this old narrative.
(02:28):
It's not because you're weak,it's not because you're failing
or the method isn't working.
It's just because the primalbrain is designed to conserve
energy, and telling a new storyfeels like work.
So this is one of the mostfascinating findings in my work.
Why does the brain tell the samestory in so many different ways,
recycle the same narrative justdressed up in new words?
(02:51):
Because in the economy of theprimal mind, it's trying to
build survival, conserve energy,and provide immediate relief.
The primal mind says there arebenefits to keeping this victim
story alive, and those benefitsinclude avoiding effort, again
saving energy, protectingyourself from disappointment of
(03:12):
growth or failure, and clingingto familiarity.
It's as if the subconsciouscontinues to say stay here, it's
safer, it costs less.
In those efforts it asks therational brain to continue to
tell the same story, and therational brain complies.
So in all clarity, I am notvictim blaming.
(03:33):
This is not about weakness orfailure.
It's not happening in yourhighest conscious mind.
The conscious mind that signedup for coaching, the one that
joined my program, the onethat's showing up and doing the
work.
The stories aren't beingrecycled there.
They are being recycled in theprimal subconscious mind.
The one that doesn't really careabout growth, it only cares
(03:56):
about keeping you safe at themost basic, energy efficient way
possible.
And this dichotomy and paradoxfeels extremely strange,
especially once it comes to yourawareness.
Part of you is fully committedto change, and another part is
paid to run on old programming.
So as you can see, there arebenefits to recycling the
(04:16):
limiting beliefs.
They're not benefits to you inthe obvious sense, like you're
not putting$100 into aninvestment account and getting
back$120.
It's not the clear profit, notan obvious return on investment
payoff, not an outcome you'retrying to proudly show off, but
that primal brain doesn'toperate on logic and long-term
(04:37):
gains.
It runs on shortcuts, immediaterelief, energy conservation.
So even when a story keeps youstuck, takes away from your
relationship success, from yourfinancial independence, from
your long-term goals andvisions, your primal brain
sneaks that stuckness into thebenefit folder.
It says, aha, this feels goodright now, it saves me effort,
(05:01):
it lets me avoid failure, andthen it stamps that folder with
a reward signal, and that's whyit becomes so sticky and so hard
to work with.
These quote unquote benefits ofvictimhood aren't real benefits,
they aren't real progress thatyou can measure yourself
against.
They're like counterfeit money.
(05:22):
They trick the brain intobelieving it has gained
something when it has onlyescaped an effort or pain of
movement.
Because just like avoiding thegym saves sweat and hard work,
blaming the economy saves youfrom facing risk.
Believing your child isimpossible saves you from
experimenting with new parentingstrategies.
(05:44):
None of these make your lifericher, but the brain counts
them as wins because they feelsafer, easier, and more
predictable.
That's the primal brain at work.
It's the false economy of thelower mind.
It saves pennies of energy whilelosing millions of dollars in
possibility.
Let's go over some of thepossible victim stories that you
(06:05):
might be telling and some of thebenefits that your primal mind
is gaining that you currentlydon't see as a benefit.
Um story of I can't lose weight.
Benefit of I don't have to giveup eating my favorite foods.
I get to avoid the discomfort ofchanging any routine.
I don't risk failing becausethat way I've never tried.
(06:25):
Or the victim story of there areno good men left to marry, or
currently men are notemotionally intelligent.
Continuing to tell that storyhas the benefit of you not
facing rejection, you not havingto take risks of being
vulnerable with an open heart.
The benefit of saving energy ofnot putting yourself out there.
Or the victim story of economyis bad, it's hard to open a
(06:48):
business.
The benefit is I don't have totake risks or learn new skills.
I can totally avoid the pressureof entrepreneurship or creating
a side hustle.
I get to stay in familiarity,avoid frustration altogether.
Victim story of I was betrayed,I can't move on.
Benefit of you keep thespotlight on your pain.
(07:09):
You keep rehearsing somethingthat's familiar, even though
it's painful.
You keep validating yourselfwith new stories over and over
again.
And also a benefit is that youdon't have to risk trusting
anyone ever again.
You save a lot of energy thatway.
Or the victim story of I'm tooold to change, too old to learn,
too old to try anything new.
(07:30):
This way the benefit is that youdon't have to step into any
uncertainty.
You get to use your age as ashield against failure.
You get to conserve a lot ofenergy by staying exactly where
you are.
And again, the most ironic thinghere is that your logical,
higher, soulful intelligencemind knows that these are not
real benefits, but they are realbenefits to your primal mind.
(07:54):
All of the identities thatyou're creating, like I can't
eat healthy or I can't work out,or I'll never get promoted at
work, they all save you workbecause chocolate tastes so
good.
Of course you can't eat healthy.
The sweetness, the texture, itlights up your brain like
fireworks.
The dopamine reward isphenomenal and feels amazing in
(08:16):
your body.
So your rational mind might filethat under guilt and a bad
choice, but the primal mindfiles it under happiness.
It says more of this please, andthe story of I can't eat healthy
gets reinforced.
If you don't work out, you don'thave to spend any energy finding
time in your schedule.
You don't have to psych yourselfup for the discomfort of lifting
(08:39):
weights, you don't have tosweat, you don't have to budget
for a gym membership, you don'thave to create space in your gym
for dumbbells, resistant bands,or yoga mads.
By saying the story of I can'twork out, you get to avoid all
of the mental and physicaleffort, and to the primal brain
that is a win.
(08:59):
If I haven't been abundantlyclear, I do want to say that I'm
not calling these benefits outwith sarcasm.
These are actual benefits thatyour brain is enjoying.
These are real rewards you'regaining in the moment by not
committing to what you say yourbigger goal is.
The immediate benefits arealways louder, easier, and much
more accessible.
(09:20):
The long-term benefits ofhealth, energy, confidence,
strong relationships requiremuch more effort, much more
patience, much more willingnessto tolerate discomfort.
That's why the brain alwayschooses the short-term benefit
of victimhood over the long-termbenefit of growth.
So to you, what's the benefit ofsaying I'll never get promoted
(09:43):
at work?
The benefit is that it doesn'thave to deal with the risk of
applying.
It doesn't have to ask for araise and feel discomfort.
It doesn't have to try and putany extra effort.
By holding on to the story thatI'll never get promoted because
of my hijab, because of myqualifications, because I'm a
woman, the brain gets to relaxinto mediocracy.
(10:05):
It saves energy.
So to you, what's the benefit ofsaying I'm not good with money?
The benefit is that you don'thave to learn budgeting,
investing.
You don't have to change anyspending habits.
To the primal brain, any changerequires energy, and it would
much rather continue to sell youthe victim story of I'm not good
with money than change anyhabits.
(10:27):
So it keeps telling the samestory.
So you never have to face thereality of you're already in
your twenties, thirties,forties, and you're not as
financially literate as youwould have liked to be.
Even though when there is nosuch thing as too late for
financial literacy, you canliterally start today.
To you, what's the benefit ofsaying I can never forgive them?
(10:47):
The benefit is the brain gets tostay in the righteous anger
that's familiar.
It does not have to attemptcompassion, which takes energy,
especially if it's new in thissituation.
It doesn't have to tryunderstanding.
By holding on to a grudge, whichobviously is very metabolically
expensive, the brain gets tofeel powerful in its own pain.
(11:10):
It gets to keep a sense of highmoral ground without risking any
healing, because healing comeswith a change.
To you, what's the benefit ofsaying I'm just unlucky in life?
The benefit is that the braindoes not have to take
accountability for choices itmight have made unconsciously.
It does not have to look atpatterns or rethink strategies.
(11:31):
It does not have to exploreuncomfortable truths about where
effort might be lacking.
Again, this is not a blame, itis responsibility, which are two
completely different energies.
By telling this victim story, itgets to outsource responsibility
to fate, to other, to luck, touniverse, and that saves the
(11:52):
brain the pain of honest selfreflection.
In my opinion, it's completelyokay to benefit from your
victimhood.
It's okay to benefit fromblaming the world.
I mean it is a currency thatyour brain is enjoying.
I will totally not judge you forit, and you don't need to judge
yourself for it.
Because also consider when youremove shame and blame from this
(12:14):
process, you open the door tocuriosity, and curiosity is what
allows you to gently startchanging your story that you've
been carrying for years.
So I invite you to give yourselfpermission to uncover the
benefits of your victimhood.
Let them come to surface withoutlabeling them as wrong or weak,
or as a moral inadequacy on yourpart.
(12:37):
Because the story you think isso factual about your past,
about your circumstances, aboutwho you are, may not be as
factual as you believe.
It might just be a version ofthe truth that your primal brain
has been repeating to conserveenergy, to protect you, to keep
you safe.
When you see this design forwhat it is, without guilt and
(12:58):
shame and judgment, you createthe possibility of telling
yourself a different story.
And that's where the shiftbegins.
We are not fighting it, we'rejust noticing it, honoring the
design that keeps us here, andthen choosing something new if
you want to.
So find out.
What's the benefit of youtelling yourself I have a
(13:20):
diagnosis, I have a frozenshoulder, I have ADD, I'm
neurodivergent, I might be onthe spectrum, I have all of
these certain characteristicsthat limit me.
The benefit here is that it cangive your brain a reason to stop
searching for other explanation.
It will feel like a relief whenyou have a label, because then
you don't have to keepexperimenting, keep digging.
(13:43):
There is a win in getting adiagnosis, in getting resources,
in getting help, but thevictimhood to this diagnosis
feels like closure.
That's what keeps you stuck.
All of this also acts asprotection.
Because if you say this is who Iam because of my diagnosis, then
you don't have to risk failingwhen you try something new.
(14:04):
You don't have to change thediscomfort of change.
And how you approach your changemight look different compared to
somebody who does not have adiagnosis.
But the diagnosis does not meanthat you can't succeed.
It just means that your path tosuccess might look different.
If you continue to tell thisvictim story, the benefit is
that you get to outsourceresponsibility to the label and
(14:27):
you get to let it carry theweight for you.
I am not asking you to deny yourreality, I am not asking you to
dismiss your medical orpsychological truths, I am just
asking you to notice the subtleways that the brain may use
these truths to stop you fromexploring any new possibility.
And these ideas spawninternally.
(14:49):
When you stay in curiosity, yourtherapists, your medical
doctors, your friends, families,your best advisors and mentors
might be telling you to lookoutside, but you're not going to
be able to hear thesepossibilities unless you're
curious.
Here I've only shared some ofthe answers that might be the
benefits of your brain, but youget to come up with and figure
(15:13):
out what your benefit is in yourvictim story.
And yours may be completelydifferent.
That's why the invitation hereis for you to explore your own
reasons, trust your ownauthority and find out what your
opinion on your matters are.
And please, by no means am Iasking you to make this into a
painful exercise.
(15:33):
Do not let it become a shamefulinquiry, which is why I've given
you so much de shaming andaffirming language around it.
This is only going to work ifyou let it with curiosity,
gently noticing how your primalmind paints these stories as
benefits.
Asking yourself, what kind ofcurrency am I chasing by this
(15:55):
story?
Do I want to invest in adifferent story?
Like victim story of my marriageis failing.
The benefit is I don't risk thevulnerability of trying.
I don't have to stretch my brainto learn new ways of connecting.
Victim story of immigration washard.
I don't have to push myself toadapt fully to this new
(16:16):
environment.
I get to explain my struggles tothe lens of hardship.
Victim story of there's so muchIslamophobia.
Benefit is that I don't have toput myself out there in
uncertain spaces.
These are all benefits that yourprimal mind is counting on, and
there is no shame in that.
This is how the human mind isdesigned.
(16:38):
Allow it, be curious about it,and then give yourself grace to
move past it.
With that I pray to Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala, O Allah,
guide me to see the stories Ihold on to.
Help me recognize the falsebenefits my mind clings to, and
replace them with the highesttruths, replace them with
(16:59):
strength and the peace that youhave allowed in my life.
Ya Allah, remove from my heartthe weight of blame and shame,
and fill me with the courage tochoose the healthier, different
story.
Amin Ya Rabul Almin.
Please keep me in your draas.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
Welcome to Islamic Life Code School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, Dr.
Damal After.
SPEAKER_01 (00:15):
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today I'm going to be talkingabout the benefits of being a
victim.
Now superficially it might soundlike it's not even possible.
How can anyone benefit frombeing a victim?
But what I'm going to tell youis that the primal brain runs on
a false economy.
It tells you there are certainbenefits of being a victim and
(00:36):
we're going to explore whatthose are today.
In my coaching, I see women putso much heart and effort into
noticing their limiting patternsand working on them.
That effort is super liberating.
It's powerful to watch thesewomen invest in themselves at
that level with honesty andcourage.
But sometimes, despite of theirbest efforts, their brain gets
(00:58):
stuck in the same story, thestory of victimhood.
And it happens veryunintentionally and under the
radar.
The brain continues to say I'm avictim of betrayal, I'm a victim
of poor parenting, I'm a victimof the economy, victim of my
weight, victim of my skin color.
What's interesting is that evenwhen women recognize that story,
(01:21):
even when they know it's thevery reason that they've come to
coaching, the lower brain keepsthem in the same story creating
the same reasons over and overagain, despite of this rational
knowledge.
And this lower brain isextremely creative in an effort
to keep benefiting from thatvictimhood story, these quote
unquote benefits that we'restill going to explore, this
(01:43):
lower brain continues to keepdecorating the same story and
presents it over and over againlike it's new.
It adds new details, spins thestory over and over again with
sometimes slightly new detailsor sometimes completely new.
The three currencies that theprimal brain works with is seek
comfort, avoid pain, conserveenergy.
(02:04):
So in order to remain in thatbeneficial currency, it's going
to spin the same story ofvictimhood, although for the
most part women are able to healaround it.
But if the story keeps goingback, don't be surprised.
And this is the paradox ofgrowth.
You can be totally committed tochange and sometimes still find
yourself pulled back into thecomfort of this old narrative.
(02:28):
It's not because you're weak,it's not because you're failing
or the method isn't working.
It's just because the primalbrain is designed to conserve
energy, and telling a new storyfeels like work.
So this is one of the mostfascinating findings in my work.
Why does the brain tell the samestory in so many different ways,
recycle the same narrative justdressed up in new words?
(02:51):
Because in the economy of theprimal mind, it's trying to
build survival, conserve energy,and provide immediate relief.
The primal mind says there arebenefits to keeping this victim
story alive, and those benefitsinclude avoiding effort, again
saving energy, protectingyourself from disappointment of
(03:12):
growth or failure, and clingingto familiarity.
It's as if the subconsciouscontinues to say stay here, it's
safer, it costs less.
In those efforts it asks therational brain to continue to
tell the same story, and therational brain complies.
So in all clarity, I am notvictim blaming.
(03:33):
This is not about weakness orfailure.
It's not happening in yourhighest conscious mind.
The conscious mind that signedup for coaching, the one that
joined my program, the onethat's showing up and doing the
work.
The stories aren't beingrecycled there.
They are being recycled in theprimal subconscious mind.
The one that doesn't really careabout growth, it only cares
(03:56):
about keeping you safe at themost basic, energy efficient way
possible.
And this dichotomy and paradoxfeels extremely strange,
especially once it comes to yourawareness.
Part of you is fully committedto change, and another part is
paid to run on old programming.
So as you can see, there arebenefits to recycling the
(04:16):
limiting beliefs.
They're not benefits to you inthe obvious sense, like you're
not putting$100 into aninvestment account and getting
back$120.
It's not the clear profit, notan obvious return on investment
payoff, not an outcome you'retrying to proudly show off, but
that primal brain doesn'toperate on logic and long-term
(04:37):
gains.
It runs on shortcuts, immediaterelief, energy conservation.
So even when a story keeps youstuck, takes away from your
relationship success, from yourfinancial independence, from
your long-term goals andvisions, your primal brain
sneaks that stuckness into thebenefit folder.
It says, aha, this feels goodright now, it saves me effort,
(05:01):
it lets me avoid failure, andthen it stamps that folder with
a reward signal, and that's whyit becomes so sticky and so hard
to work with.
These quote unquote benefits ofvictimhood aren't real benefits,
they aren't real progress thatyou can measure yourself
against.
They're like counterfeit money.
(05:22):
They trick the brain intobelieving it has gained
something when it has onlyescaped an effort or pain of
movement.
Because just like avoiding thegym saves sweat and hard work,
blaming the economy saves youfrom facing risk.
Believing your child isimpossible saves you from
experimenting with new parentingstrategies.
(05:44):
None of these make your lifericher, but the brain counts
them as wins because they feelsafer, easier, and more
predictable.
That's the primal brain at work.
It's the false economy of thelower mind.
It saves pennies of energy whilelosing millions of dollars in
possibility.
Let's go over some of thepossible victim stories that you
(06:05):
might be telling and some of thebenefits that your primal mind
is gaining that you currentlydon't see as a benefit.
Um story of I can't lose weight.
Benefit of I don't have to giveup eating my favorite foods.
I get to avoid the discomfort ofchanging any routine.
I don't risk failing becausethat way I've never tried.
(06:25):
Or the victim story of there areno good men left to marry, or
currently men are notemotionally intelligent.
Continuing to tell that storyhas the benefit of you not
facing rejection, you not havingto take risks of being
vulnerable with an open heart.
The benefit of saving energy ofnot putting yourself out there.
Or the victim story of economyis bad, it's hard to open a
(06:48):
business.
The benefit is I don't have totake risks or learn new skills.
I can totally avoid the pressureof entrepreneurship or creating
a side hustle.
I get to stay in familiarity,avoid frustration altogether.
Victim story of I was betrayed,I can't move on.
Benefit of you keep thespotlight on your pain.
(07:09):
You keep rehearsing somethingthat's familiar, even though
it's painful.
You keep validating yourselfwith new stories over and over
again.
And also a benefit is that youdon't have to risk trusting
anyone ever again.
You save a lot of energy thatway.
Or the victim story of I'm tooold to change, too old to learn,
too old to try anything new.
(07:30):
This way the benefit is that youdon't have to step into any
uncertainty.
You get to use your age as ashield against failure.
You get to conserve a lot ofenergy by staying exactly where
you are.
And again, the most ironic thinghere is that your logical,
higher, soulful intelligencemind knows that these are not
real benefits, but they are realbenefits to your primal mind.
(07:54):
All of the identities thatyou're creating, like I can't
eat healthy or I can't work out,or I'll never get promoted at
work, they all save you workbecause chocolate tastes so
good.
Of course you can't eat healthy.
The sweetness, the texture, itlights up your brain like
fireworks.
The dopamine reward isphenomenal and feels amazing in
(08:16):
your body.
So your rational mind might filethat under guilt and a bad
choice, but the primal mindfiles it under happiness.
It says more of this please, andthe story of I can't eat healthy
gets reinforced.
If you don't work out, you don'thave to spend any energy finding
time in your schedule.
You don't have to psych yourselfup for the discomfort of lifting
(08:39):
weights, you don't have tosweat, you don't have to budget
for a gym membership, you don'thave to create space in your gym
for dumbbells, resistant bands,or yoga mads.
By saying the story of I can'twork out, you get to avoid all
of the mental and physicaleffort, and to the primal brain
that is a win.
(08:59):
If I haven't been abundantlyclear, I do want to say that I'm
not calling these benefits outwith sarcasm.
These are actual benefits thatyour brain is enjoying.
These are real rewards you'regaining in the moment by not
committing to what you say yourbigger goal is.
The immediate benefits arealways louder, easier, and much
more accessible.
(09:20):
The long-term benefits ofhealth, energy, confidence,
strong relationships requiremuch more effort, much more
patience, much more willingnessto tolerate discomfort.
That's why the brain alwayschooses the short-term benefit
of victimhood over the long-termbenefit of growth.
So to you, what's the benefit ofsaying I'll never get promoted
(09:43):
at work?
The benefit is that it doesn'thave to deal with the risk of
applying.
It doesn't have to ask for araise and feel discomfort.
It doesn't have to try and putany extra effort.
By holding on to the story thatI'll never get promoted because
of my hijab, because of myqualifications, because I'm a
woman, the brain gets to relaxinto mediocracy.
(10:05):
It saves energy.
So to you, what's the benefit ofsaying I'm not good with money?
The benefit is that you don'thave to learn budgeting,
investing.
You don't have to change anyspending habits.
To the primal brain, any changerequires energy, and it would
much rather continue to sell youthe victim story of I'm not good
with money than change anyhabits.
(10:27):
So it keeps telling the samestory.
So you never have to face thereality of you're already in
your twenties, thirties,forties, and you're not as
financially literate as youwould have liked to be.
Even though when there is nosuch thing as too late for
financial literacy, you canliterally start today.
To you, what's the benefit ofsaying I can never forgive them?
(10:47):
The benefit is the brain gets tostay in the righteous anger
that's familiar.
It does not have to attemptcompassion, which takes energy,
especially if it's new in thissituation.
It doesn't have to tryunderstanding.
By holding on to a grudge, whichobviously is very metabolically
expensive, the brain gets tofeel powerful in its own pain.
(11:10):
It gets to keep a sense of highmoral ground without risking any
healing, because healing comeswith a change.
To you, what's the benefit ofsaying I'm just unlucky in life?
The benefit is that the braindoes not have to take
accountability for choices itmight have made unconsciously.
It does not have to look atpatterns or rethink strategies.
(11:31):
It does not have to exploreuncomfortable truths about where
effort might be lacking.
Again, this is not a blame, itis responsibility, which are two
completely different energies.
By telling this victim story, itgets to outsource responsibility
to fate, to other, to luck, touniverse, and that saves the
(11:52):
brain the pain of honest selfreflection.
In my opinion, it's completelyokay to benefit from your
victimhood.
It's okay to benefit fromblaming the world.
I mean it is a currency thatyour brain is enjoying.
I will totally not judge you forit, and you don't need to judge
yourself for it.
Because also consider when youremove shame and blame from this
(12:14):
process, you open the door tocuriosity, and curiosity is what
allows you to gently startchanging your story that you've
been carrying for years.
So I invite you to give yourselfpermission to uncover the
benefits of your victimhood.
Let them come to surface withoutlabeling them as wrong or weak,
or as a moral inadequacy on yourpart.
(12:37):
Because the story you think isso factual about your past,
about your circumstances, aboutwho you are, may not be as
factual as you believe.
It might just be a version ofthe truth that your primal brain
has been repeating to conserveenergy, to protect you, to keep
you safe.
When you see this design forwhat it is, without guilt and
(12:58):
shame and judgment, you createthe possibility of telling
yourself a different story.
And that's where the shiftbegins.
We are not fighting it, we'rejust noticing it, honoring the
design that keeps us here, andthen choosing something new if
you want to.
So find out.
What's the benefit of youtelling yourself I have a
(13:20):
diagnosis, I have a frozenshoulder, I have ADD, I'm
neurodivergent, I might be onthe spectrum, I have all of
these certain characteristicsthat limit me.
The benefit here is that it cangive your brain a reason to stop
searching for other explanation.
It will feel like a relief whenyou have a label, because then
you don't have to keepexperimenting, keep digging.
(13:43):
There is a win in getting adiagnosis, in getting resources,
in getting help, but thevictimhood to this diagnosis
feels like closure.
That's what keeps you stuck.
All of this also acts asprotection.
Because if you say this is who Iam because of my diagnosis, then
you don't have to risk failingwhen you try something new.
(14:04):
You don't have to change thediscomfort of change.
And how you approach your changemight look different compared to
somebody who does not have adiagnosis.
But the diagnosis does not meanthat you can't succeed.
It just means that your path tosuccess might look different.
If you continue to tell thisvictim story, the benefit is
that you get to outsourceresponsibility to the label and
(14:27):
you get to let it carry theweight for you.
I am not asking you to deny yourreality, I am not asking you to
dismiss your medical orpsychological truths, I am just
asking you to notice the subtleways that the brain may use
these truths to stop you fromexploring any new possibility.
And these ideas spawninternally.
(14:49):
When you stay in curiosity, yourtherapists, your medical
doctors, your friends, families,your best advisors and mentors
might be telling you to lookoutside, but you're not going to
be able to hear thesepossibilities unless you're
curious.
Here I've only shared some ofthe answers that might be the
benefits of your brain, but youget to come up with and figure
(15:13):
out what your benefit is in yourvictim story.
And yours may be completelydifferent.
That's why the invitation hereis for you to explore your own
reasons, trust your ownauthority and find out what your
opinion on your matters are.
And please, by no means am Iasking you to make this into a
painful exercise.
(15:33):
Do not let it become a shamefulinquiry, which is why I've given
you so much de shaming andaffirming language around it.
This is only going to work ifyou let it with curiosity,
gently noticing how your primalmind paints these stories as
benefits.
Asking yourself, what kind ofcurrency am I chasing by this
(15:55):
story?
Do I want to invest in adifferent story?
Like victim story of my marriageis failing.
The benefit is I don't risk thevulnerability of trying.
I don't have to stretch my brainto learn new ways of connecting.
Victim story of immigration washard.
I don't have to push myself toadapt fully to this new
(16:16):
environment.
I get to explain my struggles tothe lens of hardship.
Victim story of there's so muchIslamophobia.
Benefit is that I don't have toput myself out there in
uncertain spaces.
These are all benefits that yourprimal mind is counting on, and
there is no shame in that.
This is how the human mind isdesigned.
(16:38):
Allow it, be curious about it,and then give yourself grace to
move past it.
With that I pray to Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala, O Allah,
guide me to see the stories Ihold on to.
Help me recognize the falsebenefits my mind clings to, and
replace them with the highesttruths, replace them with
(16:59):
strength and the peace that youhave allowed in my life.
Ya Allah, remove from my heartthe weight of blame and shame,
and fill me with the courage tochoose the healthier, different
story.
Amin Ya Rabul Almin.
Please keep me in your draas.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
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