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September 16, 2025 19 mins

Comparison is hardwired into our brains...not as a flaw, but as an evolutionary survival strategy. While this instinct once helped our ancestors find belonging and detect threats, today it often manifests as scrolling through Instagram and measuring ourselves against impossible standards.

Recently I found myself questioning the competitive framework that pits people against each other. This moment sparked a deeper exploration of how comparison shapes our lives, often without our awareness.

From early childhood, we're conditioned to compare ourselves to others through educational systems that rank, grade, and percentile us against our peers. This transforms our natural scanning instinct from a tool for belonging into a source of anxiety and inadequacy. 


But what if we could redirect comparison inward instead of outward? When we compare ourselves to our own timeline...who we were yesterday and who we're becoming tomorrow. This is how we create a powerful framework for authentic growth. This shift transforms comparison from a source of jealousy and inadequacy into a catalyst for development aligned with our unique values and path.

Whether in fitness challenges, creative pursuits, or spiritual development, the goal isn't to outdo others but to outgrow yesterday's version of yourself. This is the comparison that leads to authentic excellence and true fulfillment. How might your relationship with yourself transform if you redirected your comparison instinct toward your own growth journey?

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Episode Transcript

Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
I am a little bit under theweather and have a little bit of
congestion going on, so if youfeel like my voice is needly,
that's why.

(00:25):
But I wanted to show up todayand give you a lot of value in
this podcast regardless.
So here I am.
The topic of today's podcastlanded in my lap the way most
things do through everydaymoments that look like they're
small and insignificant butoverall carry a very deep weight
and effect in your life, justif you look at them a little bit

(00:46):
closer.
I was scrolling through ourlocal masjid's whatsapp group,
just minding my own business, asone does, when I came across a
message about a new initiative,a fitness challenge.
The person who loses thehighest percentage of body
weight in this competition wasto win a cash prize.
The highest percentage of bodyweight in this competition was

(01:07):
to win a cash prize.
Now let me pause here.
My first reaction absolutelyecstatic.
Fitness being integrated into amasjid setting alhamdulillah.
Spiritual community space forMuslims.
That also enhances fitness.
It is right up my alley.
Alhamdulillah, our imam is veryactive like that.
Yes to community, yes to healthand yes to Muslims caring for

(01:28):
our bodies that Allah SWTentrusted us with.
Overall, I was thrilled thatinitial dopamine hit of.
Alhamdulillah.
We're evolving, but if you'vebeen around me for any length of
time, you would know that Idon't let anything go without
questioning what's underneath.
I question everything, I pokeat the obvious, I lift up the
rug of what looks good and seewhat's swept underneath it,

(01:52):
because that's where the realstuff lives.
So I sat with this announcementand I let myself go one layer
deeper.
Yes, it's a health initiativeand it's encouraging movement
and it's in the right direction.
And it's also a competition,something that's rooted in
comparison.
Now, I don't want to just pointout this as a masjid.

(02:13):
Competition being a comparison,I'm going to give you plenty of
examples how this is showing upall over in your life and how
your educational system sets youup to fail like this.
But I gave you this examplebecause that was the exact
moment where this thoughtstarted rolling in my head.
So that word comparison hasbeen circling in my head since
then.
It wants my attention, it wantsme to talk about it.

(02:35):
It's been coming up in mypersonal reflections in my
coaching sessions, and ifthere's one thing I've learned
over the years that if somethingkeeps showing up, it's usually
someone that I need to payattention to.
It's my subconscious mind'sinvite to me that something
needs to be heard, somethingneeds to be looked closer at,
something needs to be broughtinto light.

(02:57):
So today I'm going to be divinginto that, how comparison is
linked to competition and viceversa, how both of them create
joy and motivation and alsosilently eat away at our sense
of self-worth, and how you cangrow to tell the difference and
to make it healthy for yourself.
Now, a very large part of ourbrain is literally designed for

(03:20):
comparison, not as a moral flaw,not as a sign of weakness, but
as biology.
Our brains evolved toconstantly scan the environment
for cues who's in charge, what'sthe hierarchy, where do I stand
?
And all of this just so itcould figure out am I safe, am I
acceptable, do I belong?
Is there any imminent threatgoing on?

(03:41):
So comparison was, and still is, a survival strategy.
It helped our ancestors avoidrejection, stay in the tribe and
detect danger before it struck.
So in this context, comparisonis primal.
Now fast forward to today.
We are no longer being chasedby tigers or trying to figure

(04:02):
out if we'll be exiled from thecampfire for using too much of
any resource.
But our brains didn't get thememo.
Our primal brain stillfunctions at that level, while
our prefrontal cortex is tryingto help us program all of that
out.
We are, at a lot of levels,still using the same comparison
system, but now it's scanningInstagram.

(04:24):
It's measuring your weight,your body type against someone
else.
Before you even know you'redoing it.
You're looking at your marriage, your job, your Dora list and
mentally comparing it with yourcousin, your neighbor, your
sister, the person who you lookup to.
And if you're anything like me,me you are not going to notice

(04:44):
that it's even happening, andthat's okay.
So now it's time for us to zoomout, to take a little bit of an
inventory of your thoughts in asingle day.
If you do that without anyjudgment for yourself, you'd be
shocked at how many comparisonthoughts you're actually having.
How much time are you spendingcomparing?
That is a legitimate question,something to be curious about.
What are you spending comparing?

(05:04):
That is a legitimate question,something to be curious about.
What are you comparing yourparenting, your productivity,
your level of Iman, your bankaccount, your waistline.
I have people that even comparetheir healing journey to others
, because that's how ingrainedthese thought patterns are.
So where I want you guys tocreate the shift is that I don't

(05:25):
want you guys to stop comparingbecause, like we said, it's
going to take a lot of rewiringand most likely it's not going
to be useful.
This wiring is not evil.
It's not supposed to besuppressed or fixed.
It's just that you need to leadit properly.
Your primal brain is like avery fast horse.
When you compare using yourprimal brain, you end up in very

(05:48):
low quality emotions like fear,jealousy, ineptitude, low
self-esteem.
But when you use yourprefrontal cortex and you can
use this comparison language toharness and create a healthy
sense of separation, the samehorse will take you straight
towards your goal.
So when you are awake as arider, intentional, connected to

(06:11):
something higher, like yourvalues, like your purpose, like
your soulful intelligence, thenthe same horse is going to take
you towards growth.
It's going to take you towardsachievement.
The comparison that in itselfis not the enemy.

(06:33):
It's a powerful horse that canbe taken towards growth or
self-destruction.
So, instead of saying I'll neverbe as fit as her.
What if you asked what part ofme is drawn to that energy and
how can I move towards it withjoy instead of shame, instead of
asking she's such a better mom?
What if you said that I admireher presence, how she aligns
with what kind of parent I wantto be?

(06:53):
I want that to be my story aswell, and that's the beauty of
the system.
Comparison tells you what youmight value, and you're not
going to get that message if youpretend you never compare,
because the truth is you willcompare.
You are comparing.
You're biologically wired to doit.
A huge portion of your nervoussystem is dedicated to scanning,

(07:14):
measuring, evaluating,constantly checking your
position in relation to others.
So when people say, stopcomparing, I get it.
I get it that they have a goodintention behind it, but I also
think it's very unrealistic andhighly inefficient for most of
us.
Yes, it is possible to diminishcomparison in your life and

(07:35):
quiet that part of your mind,and it does take time, skill
development and deep work.
And if you try to do it whilestill operating from your primal
brain, you're going to getstuck in fear, lack or jealousy.
So in the beginning I wouldargue that the only effective
way to soften these dynamics isfigure out where, in these

(07:55):
comparisons, your goal lies, byusing your prefrontal cortex,
the seat of your highest self.
When you're in a state ofabundance, when you're grounded
in peace, acceptance andgratitude, that's when
comparison that otherwise mightbe impulsive becomes useful.
That's when it can be lovinglyredirected, because in that

(08:17):
state you're not threatened,you're not hijacked by envy or
insecurity.
You're observing with curiosity, without judgment.
When you're comparing by aprimal brain, it creates sticky
emotions like jealousy,resentment, self-pity, and they
cling to the body.
These emotions don't allow youto reprogram anything, little

(08:43):
less go towards your goals.
They trap you and on top ofthat, most of us feel guilty for
having these emotions.
So now, not only are youcomparing, you're stuck in
judgment of yourself.
For comparison, change thequestion from how do I stop
comparing to how do I startusing this comparison as a guide
?
Let me tell you how it wentwrong.
From an early age, the schoolsystem trains you to compare,

(09:05):
and it's not a neutral or anobservational way of comparison.
It's conditioning you tocompete.
You're not learning math orreading and comprehension.
Well, you might be learning allthose things, but you're
actually being ranked againstother people, how you perform
compared to the rest.
Your test scores are set up sothat you can line yourself up

(09:25):
against the rest of your class,your school, your district.
You're given a number, a grade,a percentile, and all of those
numbers become a proxy of yourworth, your intelligence, even
your potential.
That natural primal instinct toscan and compare, originally
designed to help you findbelonging and stay safe, now

(09:47):
gets molded into something tostay anxious about.
You subconsciously learn thatyour value is relative to
someone else's performance.
If they win, you must have lost, or the other way around If
they're praised, then you musthave fallen short.
So this wiring of comparisonbecomes tangled up with scarcity
, like if there's only that muchrecognition and you don't get

(10:09):
the top spot, then you somehowfailed.
And most of us don't stop toquestion it.
But what if you could separatecomparison from competition?
What if your primal scanningcould be reconnected to its
original purpose Understandingwhere you are, what matters to
you and how you can grow whenyou compare yourself to yourself

(10:30):
without needing anybody else tolose or win?
This is the type of comparisonthat is truly healthy, truly
growth oriented, the kind whereyou're measuring yourself
against yourself, lovingly whoyou used to be yesterday and who
you're becoming tomorrow.
It's a time-based comparisonand I know time isn't linear and

(10:53):
spiritually, energeticallyspeaking, even neurologically,
we know that.
But for the sake of this skilland for this specific example, I
want you to use time linearly,because this is going to be a
milestone in your mental andemotional health development.
In your mental and emotionalhealth development, think of
yourself as stretched across atimeline.
There are you in the past, whowas doing the best she could

(11:17):
with what she had.
There's you as of today, whohas more awareness, more
capacity, more insight.
And there's you in the future,your aspirational self, your
expanded self, your Dua's becameyour reality self.
One of my friend's sister,recently visiting from Qatar,
told me that in her kids' schoolsystem they don't give out

(11:39):
traditional grades, no ABs orrankings.
Instead, each child is given asort of a performance review
based only on their own progress.
The entire system is builtaround comparing the student's
current performance to their ownprevious performance and that's
it.
No measurement against peers,just a straight line of

(12:00):
self-growth.
And I thought, alhamdulillah,wow, what an amazing concept.
And imagine what kind ofemotionally resilient,
self-secure, intrinsicallymotivated human beings that
would produce.
So the next time you catchyourself feeling jealous, guilty
for not doing more, for beingsingle for too long, when you're

(12:22):
on social media and you getthat icky feeling, just ask
yourself where in the comparisonspectrum am I currently fitting
?
Which of these are my truevalues?
And, instead of comparingyourself to the other, just
compare yourself to where youwere on it yesterday and how you
plan on improving it from todayforward.
So if it's about publishing abook that just seems that

(12:45):
somebody else has done it somuch more and so much better,
gently redirect that comparisonto your own timeline.
Ask yourself, how do I compareto the version of me from last
year or even last month, andwhat do I have to look forward
to when it comes to me becominga published author?
There's a show that comes outevery year with a season called

(13:06):
Lego Masters, and my kids and Ilove watching it together.
It's one of the few shows thatwe still genuinely enjoy
together.
There's no groaning, no walkingoff in the middle of the
episode, no falling asleep.
Alhamdulillah.
I treasure the time.
The show is fun, creative, fullof wild imagination, but still
a competition.

(13:27):
Each week, teams gohead-to-head trying to build
something better, more dramatic,more technically impressive
than the other teams.
And while it's somewhat of afamily show and there's plenty
of support and kindness betweenthe teams, the structure is
still inherently aboutoutperforming the other.
The goal is to win.
But imagine how different theshow would be if the teams

(13:49):
weren't competing against eachother but against themselves,
against the version ofthemselves from last week.
What if the challenge was aboutshowing how they improved their
design, their creativity, theirstorytelling, their dedication,
their time management, all fromthe last episode?
What if they had to explainwhat didn't work last time, what

(14:13):
their growth plan was and howthey followed through or they
didn't, and then set a newintention for what their future
selves would improve on nexttime?
For the next episode, the wholedynamic of the show would
change from proving to improving.
The comparison would becomeinternal, reflective and

(14:33):
personal, fueling each person'stalent and values, creating
actual development rather thanpressure to outshine.
And the same goes for a sciencecompetition.
At my kid's school.
The idea sounds extremelywholesome and I love that
competition.
It encourages students toresearch, build and present
something they're proud of.

(14:53):
But it's structured like a race.
All students are technicallyquote-unquote together, but
they're also competing to be oneof the chosen ones to advance
to the next level the countylevel, the regional level, the
regional level, the state level.
They're encouraged to have teamspirit to help one another, but
the undercurrent is you have tooutperform to win.

(15:16):
What if, instead, the entirecompetition was structured
around comparing your projectfrom your own past work?
What if the students werejudged on how their subject
evolved, how their techniqueimproved, how they manage their
time, if they're more confidentand what they plan to do
differently next year?

(15:36):
That kind of system wouldcreate children that are
emotionally mature, resilientand have true self-awareness.
Teaching children that growthis more than just stepping over
other people and it's more aboutmoving deeper into your own
potential, exploring yourtalents, understanding your

(15:56):
strengths and weaknesses, allwithout judgment.
Competition and comparisonthey're both an incredible
forces when it's directedinwards, not outwards.
When you're competing with yourpast self to grow, to refine,
to evolve.
When you're competing with yourfuture self to catch up to the
version of you that alreadyexists in your du'as and your

(16:19):
vision that Allah subhanahu wata'ala has already granted.
You just have to go get it.
And again, you're not trying topunish yourself for not
improving enough.
You just have to go get it.
And again.
You're not trying to punishyourself for not improving
enough.
You're walking alongsideyourself, just like you'd walk
alongside your best friend,cheering yourself on holding
yourself to a standard thatfeels honorable, exciting.

(16:39):
An inward comparison like thataligns with your values.
It's incredibly powerful.
It has the power to bring youclarity of what you want.
It helps you identify yourunique strengths and stretch
them further.
It keeps you on the path thatfeels true to you, instead of
constantly pulling you towardswhatever happens to be trending.
It makes you masterful atchecking yourself.

(17:02):
Internal comparison leads toauthentic excellence because
when you compare yourself toothers, you try to copy their
path, trying to reproduce theirsuccess, but when you compare
yourself to your own past andfuture, you're forced to carve
your own path.
It creates authentic, alignedexcellence.
This inward focus comparisoncreates a feedback loop where

(17:26):
your unique values and style getsharper.
Over time.
You become your own uniqueperson.
Inward comparison protects yourenergy, because competing with
others scatters your energy andfocus.
It pulls your attentionoutwards towards performance
validation what other peoplethink.
Inward comparison focuses yourenergy to be more cleaner and

(17:48):
efficient, because you'respending more time building and
correcting than comparingoutwards.
Every minute spent checkingsomeone else's progress is a
minute stolen from your own time.
Inward competition protectsyour energy like a filter when
you're reframing any kind offailure.
It's going to be healthier withinternal comparison, because

(18:10):
failure with external comparisonis going to feel like
humiliation when failure ininternal comparison becomes data
.
What did I do differently thistime?
Which part of me needscompassion?
What can I do differently nexttime?
So comparison and competitionare hardwired into your brains.
But rather than trying toeliminate all of this, redirect

(18:33):
it inwards.
When you compete with your pastand try to become your best
future self, you activate growth.
You reclaim a lot of mental andemotional energy.
It makes you laser-focused andit goes everywhere, from fitness
challenge to science fairs, toLego masters, to everything big

(18:53):
and mundane in your life.
You will reimagine what'spossible in your life when the
goal isn't to outdo others butto outgrow who you were
yesterday.
With that, I pray to Allah SWT.
To outgrow who you wereyesterday, with that, I pray to
Allah.
O Allah, guide me to compareonly with who I was yesterday
and who I am becoming tomorrow.
Protect my heart from jealousy,my mind from self-judgment and

(19:17):
my soul from seeking validationfrom anybody outside of you.
O Allah, let every comparisonin my life lead me closer to
your recognition.
Ameen Ya Rabbul Alameen, pleasekeep me in your du'as.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
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