September 23, 2025 • 21 mins
Contempt sneaks into our closest relationships disguised as righteousness. We don't think we're feeling superior...we simply believe we're right. What makes this emotion particularly dangerous is that it requires two specific ingredients to flourish: a shared history and a presumption of equality. This explains why we rarely feel contempt for strangers or children, but frequently harbor it toward partners, close family members, and long-term friends.
This emotion keeps your nervous system subtly activated at all times, draining energy that could fuel creativity, intimacy, and joy. And perhaps most devastating is the contempt we direct inward, constantly judging ourselves through impossible standards. Breaking free starts with acknowledgment, creating space between feeling and truth, and choosing self-compassion over judgment. When you treat yourself with respect and fairness, you close one of the easiest doors through which negativity enters your life and relationships.
Ready to transform your relationship with yourself and others? Listen now to discover practical tools for recognizing contempt and replacing it with connection. Your heart and your relationships will thank you.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, Dr Kamal Aftar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
As you might know that I hardlyever think of emotions as
complex.
I think when you break emotionsdown into their sensations and
(00:27):
when you trace them back to thethoughts that are creating them,
you can very simply work withany emotions and through any
emotions.
But there's one emotion thattime and time again in my life
and in my coaching work comes upand needs a lot of work around
it before it can be trulyprocessed, and that's the
emotion of contempt.
According to John Gottman, thenumber one predictor of divorce
(00:51):
is contempt, and the definitionis that it is a complex emotion
involving disdain, superiority,emotional distancing from
another person as a result ofperceived moral or character
flaws.
And if that's not hard enoughto work with, you are mostly not
aware that you're carryingdisdain for others.
Disdain is a feeling thatsomeone or something is unworthy
(01:16):
of your consideration orrespect.
While you carry contempt insome of your closest
relationships, you do not thinkthat you do.
In some of your closestrelationships, you do not think
that you do.
And here I'm using disdain andcontempt interchangeably, so for
all intentional purposes, theypretty much capture the same
meaning for this podcast.
So while we carry contempt inour closest relationships and we
(01:37):
don't know that we carry it wesimply think that we're right.
What do you mean?
You can leave coffee stains onthe counter after making coffee.
We believe that's not right.
You believe that if he leavesthe coffee counter dirty every
time, that's not the right thingto do.
You are so convinced that youropinion being the only right one
(01:58):
that it's natural to think thatyour point of view is correct
and his point of view of alwaysbeing in a hurry or thinking
that he'll wipe down the counteronce he's done making coffee
for five times in a day, you donot take his opinion into
consideration.
He might think that it's okayto have a dirty counter and he
never wants to clean up afterhimself.
(02:19):
All of this does not give youthe license to hold contempt.
None of this makes his choicesless valuable than yours.
His choices are valuable to himbecause he has the freedom to
make them.
Your disdain and contempt costsyou, not him.
So contempt says I'm donetrying.
It looks like sarcasm,eye-rolling mockery and the
(02:43):
worst kind is when many womenare expert is silent disapproval
.
So disdain is a type ofcontempt that you hold.
Why do your in-laws not care ifyour kids ate cookies for
dinner?
Their explanation is at leastthey ate something.
To them that's the right choice.
To you that's not the rightchoice, because they might as
(03:03):
well go hungry than feed themsomething detrimental to their
health.
Again, you will not think you'refeeling like superior to anyone
, but you will think you'reright, and it's possible in many
opinions that you are right.
But that does not mean that youallow yourself to live in
contempt for others yourself, tolive in contempt for others.
(03:27):
Your contempt for others doesnot hurt them, it only hurts you
.
So contempt only really livesin our closest relationships
because it requires twoingredients A history, a shared
time, shared expectations,shared disappointments and a
presumption of equality, thebelief that, even if it's
unconscious that this personshould know better, should meet
(03:48):
you at your level, should becapable of reciprocity.
You usually don't feel contemptfor strangers or acquaintances
because there's no emotionalledger.
They haven't built a patternwith you, so there's nothing
deep to withdraw from.
There's no trust or respectthat is lost If a stranger cuts
you off in traffic, you mightfeel irritation, maybe even
(04:11):
anger and rage, but not contempt, because there's no bond that
can be corroded, no sharedfoundation that's dissolving.
Similarly, contempt rarelytakes root with children because
you don't expect them to beyour equal.
You understand that they'restill growing, still learning,
still dependent on you forguidance.
(04:32):
But contempt will crawl inwhenever, subconsciously, you're
equating your children to yourlevel.
Mostly their mistakes don'tfeel like moral betrayal, they
feel like developmental moments.
You might get frustrated butyou hold a baseline awareness,
even if it's subconscious, thatthey're not your peers.
(04:52):
So you don't judge them throughthe same lens of capability and
responsibility that youotherwise judge other adults
through.
That's why a lot of timescontempt is exclusive and found
in intimate relationships, closefamily ties, deep friendships
and long-term work partnerships,Relationships where the brain
(05:12):
builds expectations to be high.
When those expectations arerepeatedly violated, your brain
shifts from we're on the sameteam to you should know better
than this, and that's whencontempt takes root.
It's essentially an emotionalrust that forms on the steel
beams of your most importantconnections, and these are the
(05:35):
connections and structures thatonly exist when you build
something together with someonein the first place.
So if you're going to gothrough stages, the first stage
would be love, acceptance,admiration, warmth, trust,
generosity, belief that we're onthe same team.
There's a relaxed nervoussystem.
There's openness, vulnerability, giving the benefit of the
(05:56):
doubt.
There's joy and closeness,mutual excitement, but this is
what creates the risk point forcontempt, Because in these cases
you're open, your expectationsfor safety and reciprocity are
high.
Then comes the disappointment,confusion, sadness, letdown,
built on beliefs that I thoughthe'd show up for me or I thought
(06:17):
she'd do this for me, but theydidn't.
A lot of times, superficialruptures of this nature can be
repaired with clarification ormaking excuses for others and
giving second chances.
But the key experience and ifit's repeated, the real evidence
that develops is that theywon't always meet your needs.
And if this disappointmentisn't expressed, processed and
(06:41):
communicated, this is going tobecome stored and that's how
contentment and resentmentbuilds up.
That's the third stage, whereyou have frustration, bitterness
, suppressed anger, disdain,resentment.
The belief is there is no opencommunication, or at least the
brain doesn't let youacknowledge that there is, and
(07:03):
it continues to build on that.
The other party keeps doingthis and I keep suppressing it.
There's scorekeeping,passive-aggressive comments,
rumination, avoidance of certaintopics, constant pattern,
recognition of evidence from thepast, realizing that it's not a
one-off event, it's a constantdynamic.
Then resentment is reactive andthis is where contempt develops
(07:28):
.
The fourth stage, the contemptwhich is the verdict constant
disdain, superiority, moraldisgust, the belief being that
you're beneath my respect,you'll never change.
This is where the beliefs of Iam right comes in.
For the most part, in thisstage, you've stopped expecting
(07:49):
reciprocity and you've mentallydemoted them and shut all doors.
There's no reactivity, it'sjust your stance, it's your
constant belief system.
This level of contempt anddisdain says I've judged you and
I'm done trying when you'reliving in this state.
Contempt can be internalized orexternalized.
(08:10):
Most of the time, women aresocialized to show contempt in
words.
Men do it outwardly, with angerand aggression.
Most of the time they're nottaught inward reflection, While
women mostly do it to the pointof rumination.
But either way, no matter howyou express it, it's still
(08:30):
contempt.
This is a misdirected signal ofunmet needs where you have
plenty of tools if you otherwisewanted to meet these needs.
All of this is based on adistortion of self-worth, that
somehow your self-worth isattached to other people's
acceptance of your values, which, again, I will remind you your
(08:51):
self-worth is unchanging,regardless of how many times
your brain forgets it.
Contempt is a cover for yourinsecurities where otherwise
it's used as a defense mechanismand applied anger to others,
Weaponized blame whenvulnerability feels too
threatening, especially ifthere's fear of inadequacy or
(09:13):
loss of control or fear ofabandonment.
The most liberating realizationhere is that all of these are
thought errors.
You can simply heal from them.
Or thought errors you cansimply heal from them.
Shaitan works to make youforget your worth as a human
being.
It says your worship isn't goodenough.
Your worth comes from yourproductivity.
So you go through life broodingin your insecurities and
(09:36):
constantly having a mentalcompetition with others to prove
your existence.
That competition is fertileground for contempt, because
you're never in contempt of achild because there's no
competition.
But maybe if the child is grownup and she steals your outfits,
your hijabs, your dresses, yourshoes right out of your closet
(09:58):
and all of them go missing, thenyou start to be frustrated
because now she's in competitionwith you and that one might or
might not have been a true story.
But remembering that the mostrewarded shaitan by Iblis is the
one who causes a strife inmarriage and contempt causes
strife Through superiority ofyour thought.
Shaitan says that you aretotally justified in your
(10:20):
contempt Because there's noother avenue in your contempt,
because there's no other avenue.
When you find yourself stuck inthat dynamic, you can safely
assume that this thought erroris from whispers of shaitan.
So contempt itself is trickybecause it can wear two faces.
On one hand it's an emotion,somewhat of an inner cocktail of
superiority, resentment,disgust.
(10:40):
But it's also a verb, abehavior, something that you do
and perform.
You hold someone in contempt,you treat them with contempt.
It's not always just how youfeel, it's also how you act and
more often how you don't act,because mostly you're
withdrawing, You're refusing toengage, You're giving silent
(11:02):
treatment.
So there's a lot of omission ofaction in contempt as well,
which is why I originally saidthat this is somewhat complex.
But contempt by far is one ofthe most corrosive emotional
states that you can carryyourself in, not just for your
relationships but for you.
It's erosive because it wearsaway on your capacity to see
(11:23):
other people and yourself ascomplex and redeemable.
The more contempt you carry,the more your brain hardens
around a single flattened storythey're not worth it.
I'm above this.
They'll never change and thisnarrative feels like
self-protection, but over timeit is a cage.
It blocks empathy, curiosity,trust.
(11:46):
All of these are raw materialsto build connection from, and
once those raw materials aregone, resentment has free reign
to grow.
Contempt, disdain, highlytolling on your psyche because
it keeps you in a state ofsustained moral alert.
You're scanning for proof thatyou're right about the person
(12:08):
who you want to hold in contempt.
This is a form of constantcognitive, emotional and mental
labor.
Even if it looks like you'reresting to other people, the
mind is always busy, draftingclosing arguments, rehearsing
comebacks.
It is cataloging every offense.
You can't truly be at easebecause contempt does not let
(12:29):
you rest.
It feeds on your constanthypervigilance.
That's why it is extremelymetabolically expensive, Since
emotions live in the body.
Holding contempt means thatyour nervous system, subtly or
not so subtly, is activated allthe time your stress hormones,
cortisol and adrenaline.
They stay elevated, even ifit's at low-grade levels, and
(12:53):
over time, this low-level,constant activation drains your
energy, the energy that youcould otherwise be using for
creativity, for intimacy, forjoy.
It's like leaving your phonewith 100 open apps.
You can keep going, but yourbattery is going to die much
faster and the system runsslower.
(13:14):
Ironically, contempt starts as away to save energy with beliefs
like I won't even botherengaging with this person
anymore.
But this is what I call snootycontempt, which is quiet, nose
in the air decision that they'renot even worth your time.
That type of snooty contempt isa lot of times in women, also
(13:36):
directed inwards that you don'teven want to give yourself the
time of the day to self-reflector improve or heal.
To give yourself the time ofthe day to self-reflect or
improve or heal.
On the surface, it looks likeyou've let other people's
behavior roll off your back,that you're above it and you're
over it.
But if you have to keep tellingyourself or others that you're
not bothered, that you've movedon, that in itself is a dead
(13:58):
giveaway that you haven't.
You wish you were over it.
You want to be over it, but youaren't.
Because if you truly were, itwouldn't be a recurring headline
in your mind.
It wouldn't even be a topic ofdiscussion, it would never slip
into conversations.
If you were truly over it, thatinner monologue would not live
rent-free in your head.
(14:19):
And the best way to overcomethis is not to fake indifference
head.
And the best way to overcomethis is not to fake indifference
is not to fake that you don'tcare.
It's to admit the truth.
Admit that I'm still trying toget over this.
This single act of honestyhelps you shift out of denial
and into possibility.
When you acknowledge thatcontempt might still be alive in
(14:40):
you, you bring it into yourconscious field where you can
actually contemplate it and dosomething about it.
Snooty contempt is metabolicallyexpensive.
It's running in the backgroundlike a hidden app, draining your
mental battery while you thinkyou're coasting and resting.
It's invisible to yourconscious mind until you name it
(15:01):
.
And once you name it you candecide do I want to keep feeding
this or do I want to claim myenergy back?
Content for high achievers alot of times looks like constant
criticism of yourself of notreaching financial goals.
Instead of saying I suck atbusiness, try saying that didn't
(15:22):
work.
I'm still figuring it out.
Like I said, contempt can bedirected outwards and inwards.
External contempt in marriagecan look like if the husband
says you're so selfish fortraveling without me, you as a
wife pause and says it seemslike this makes you left behind.
What would help you to feelconnected while I'm gone, While
(15:45):
this is a perfect opportunityfor you to hold contempt against
your husband.
There are other ways to dealwith it.
So now let me give you somethought exercises for you to
recognize it easier.
The next time when you feelcontempt is sneaking in, ask
yourself when you feel contemptis sneaking in, ask yourself
where in my body is it living?
Is this feeling giving me poweror stealing it?
(16:08):
Is this about somebody else, oris it about a need I gave up or
I haven't met?
No-transcript.
So these thoughts and questionsare an invitation for you to
meet your needs.
The worst kind of contempt isthe self-directed one, because
(16:29):
you can't just get up and walkaway from it.
You live with it 24-7.
And for high-performing womenit's especially brutal because
the brain is so used to runningon achievement and excellence.
On achievement and excellence,the same sharp mind that solves
the problems and breaks barriersalso knows exactly how to aim
with precision at itself.
(16:50):
One mistake and you tellyourself I'm not cut out for
this, it's taking too long.
I should have already learnedthis.
You always have an opportunityto reframe your internal
contempt.
None of your thoughts are finalverdicts about yourself.
You can practice self-coaching.
You can say more self-acceptingand graceful things to yourself
(17:13):
.
You can say to yourself.
This one marketing campaignfailed.
I learned something that willsave me a thousand dollars next
time.
The shift is I messed up, soI'm useless.
This gives more fuel to innerdirected contempt, To saying
mistakes are data for futuremastery.
(17:33):
A simple reframe will turn veryexpensive contempt into fuel
that then later fuels yoursuccess Instead of eroding your
self-worth.
The experience becomes a partof your growth record.
You stop seeing yourself as theroot of the problem and you
start seeing everything as ascientist testing, learning,
(17:54):
improving with each round.
I cannot say it enough the mostexpensive contempt that you're
carrying around is the one youaim at yourself, the eye roll
that you gave your partner thatyou noticed.
You've probably already giventhat to yourself 10 times worse,
that constant judgment, thatmeasuring, the never good enough
(18:15):
standard that will erode yourperception of your worth from
inside out.
And that is absolutely the workof shaitan, Because if he can
get you to live in a brokenrelationship with yourself,
everything else will also breakwhen you walk through life
doubting your own value,questioning your decisions.
That energy spills into everyrelationship, your marriage,
(18:38):
your friendships, your works.
None of them can thrive if theperson showing up in them is
carrying self-disdain in herheart.
So shaitan doesn't have todestroy your connections
directly.
All it has to do is keep you incontempt of yourself, and the
rest will follow, Healing thatrelationship with yourself might
look like superficial self-care, but it is deep spiritual
(19:01):
protection.
When you treat yourself withrespect, compassion, fairness,
you close one of the easiestdoors shaitan uses to walk into
your life.
The solution for all of this isactually extremely simple Keep
your thoughts in check.
But you can't keep yourthoughts in check if you don't
even know that they're there.
So start with acknowledgingthat you might be carrying
(19:24):
contempt.
Unless you do that, you'll haveno reason to examine your inner
dialogue.
You'll keep rehearsing the samemental script, reinforcing the
judgments, telling yourself thatit's just reality.
Meanwhile, all of your moralsuperiority continues to harden
and you'll be convinced that theworld is the problem and that
(19:44):
your relationship was doomedfrom the start.
Your acknowledgement opens thepossibility to break the loop.
The moment you say I'm holdingcontempt right now, you create a
gap between the feeling and thetruth.
In that gap, you can choose tocorrect yourself and heal your
thoughts.
Recognizing and correcting inreal time is indefinitely better
(20:07):
than letting contempt fester.
The more you live in it, themore work you have ahead of you
and the more you start believingthat connections just can't
work for you and the more yourmind looks for proof for that
belief.
Catching it early, gettingcoaching on it keeps you from
building a life on contempt.
It keeps you from building anidentity with disdain.
(20:29):
With that, I pray to allah swt.
Ya allah, cleanse my heart ofcontempt towards others and
towards myself, replace anytrace of my superiority with
sincere connection.
Protect my relationships fromthe whispers of shaitan and
protect my own soul from hislies about my worth.
(20:50):
Ya Allah, help me keep mythoughts in check so I can see
myself and others through thelens of your mercy.
Ya Allah, allow me to honor thetrust you've placed in me to
love, forgive and repair.
Ameen, Ya Rabbul Ameen, Pleasekeep me in your duas.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, Dr Kamal Aftar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
As you might know that I hardlyever think of emotions as
complex.
I think when you break emotionsdown into their sensations and
(00:27):
when you trace them back to thethoughts that are creating them,
you can very simply work withany emotions and through any
emotions.
But there's one emotion thattime and time again in my life
and in my coaching work comes upand needs a lot of work around
it before it can be trulyprocessed, and that's the
emotion of contempt.
According to John Gottman, thenumber one predictor of divorce
(00:51):
is contempt, and the definitionis that it is a complex emotion
involving disdain, superiority,emotional distancing from
another person as a result ofperceived moral or character
flaws.
And if that's not hard enoughto work with, you are mostly not
aware that you're carryingdisdain for others.
Disdain is a feeling thatsomeone or something is unworthy
(01:16):
of your consideration orrespect.
While you carry contempt insome of your closest
relationships, you do not thinkthat you do.
In some of your closestrelationships, you do not think
that you do.
And here I'm using disdain andcontempt interchangeably, so for
all intentional purposes, theypretty much capture the same
meaning for this podcast.
So while we carry contempt inour closest relationships and we
(01:37):
don't know that we carry it wesimply think that we're right.
What do you mean?
You can leave coffee stains onthe counter after making coffee.
We believe that's not right.
You believe that if he leavesthe coffee counter dirty every
time, that's not the right thingto do.
You are so convinced that youropinion being the only right one
(01:58):
that it's natural to think thatyour point of view is correct
and his point of view of alwaysbeing in a hurry or thinking
that he'll wipe down the counteronce he's done making coffee
for five times in a day, you donot take his opinion into
consideration.
He might think that it's okayto have a dirty counter and he
never wants to clean up afterhimself.
(02:19):
All of this does not give youthe license to hold contempt.
None of this makes his choicesless valuable than yours.
His choices are valuable to himbecause he has the freedom to
make them.
Your disdain and contempt costsyou, not him.
So contempt says I'm donetrying.
It looks like sarcasm,eye-rolling mockery and the
(02:43):
worst kind is when many womenare expert is silent disapproval
.
So disdain is a type ofcontempt that you hold.
Why do your in-laws not care ifyour kids ate cookies for
dinner?
Their explanation is at leastthey ate something.
To them that's the right choice.
To you that's not the rightchoice, because they might as
(03:03):
well go hungry than feed themsomething detrimental to their
health.
Again, you will not think you'refeeling like superior to anyone
, but you will think you'reright, and it's possible in many
opinions that you are right.
But that does not mean that youallow yourself to live in
contempt for others yourself, tolive in contempt for others.
(03:27):
Your contempt for others doesnot hurt them, it only hurts you
.
So contempt only really livesin our closest relationships
because it requires twoingredients A history, a shared
time, shared expectations,shared disappointments and a
presumption of equality, thebelief that, even if it's
unconscious that this personshould know better, should meet
(03:48):
you at your level, should becapable of reciprocity.
You usually don't feel contemptfor strangers or acquaintances
because there's no emotionalledger.
They haven't built a patternwith you, so there's nothing
deep to withdraw from.
There's no trust or respectthat is lost If a stranger cuts
you off in traffic, you mightfeel irritation, maybe even
(04:11):
anger and rage, but not contempt, because there's no bond that
can be corroded, no sharedfoundation that's dissolving.
Similarly, contempt rarelytakes root with children because
you don't expect them to beyour equal.
You understand that they'restill growing, still learning,
still dependent on you forguidance.
(04:32):
But contempt will crawl inwhenever, subconsciously, you're
equating your children to yourlevel.
Mostly their mistakes don'tfeel like moral betrayal, they
feel like developmental moments.
You might get frustrated butyou hold a baseline awareness,
even if it's subconscious, thatthey're not your peers.
(04:52):
So you don't judge them throughthe same lens of capability and
responsibility that youotherwise judge other adults
through.
That's why a lot of timescontempt is exclusive and found
in intimate relationships, closefamily ties, deep friendships
and long-term work partnerships,Relationships where the brain
(05:12):
builds expectations to be high.
When those expectations arerepeatedly violated, your brain
shifts from we're on the sameteam to you should know better
than this, and that's whencontempt takes root.
It's essentially an emotionalrust that forms on the steel
beams of your most importantconnections, and these are the
(05:35):
connections and structures thatonly exist when you build
something together with someonein the first place.
So if you're going to gothrough stages, the first stage
would be love, acceptance,admiration, warmth, trust,
generosity, belief that we're onthe same team.
There's a relaxed nervoussystem.
There's openness, vulnerability, giving the benefit of the
(05:56):
doubt.
There's joy and closeness,mutual excitement, but this is
what creates the risk point forcontempt, Because in these cases
you're open, your expectationsfor safety and reciprocity are
high.
Then comes the disappointment,confusion, sadness, letdown,
built on beliefs that I thoughthe'd show up for me or I thought
(06:17):
she'd do this for me, but theydidn't.
A lot of times, superficialruptures of this nature can be
repaired with clarification ormaking excuses for others and
giving second chances.
But the key experience and ifit's repeated, the real evidence
that develops is that theywon't always meet your needs.
And if this disappointmentisn't expressed, processed and
(06:41):
communicated, this is going tobecome stored and that's how
contentment and resentmentbuilds up.
That's the third stage, whereyou have frustration, bitterness
, suppressed anger, disdain,resentment.
The belief is there is no opencommunication, or at least the
brain doesn't let youacknowledge that there is, and
(07:03):
it continues to build on that.
The other party keeps doingthis and I keep suppressing it.
There's scorekeeping,passive-aggressive comments,
rumination, avoidance of certaintopics, constant pattern,
recognition of evidence from thepast, realizing that it's not a
one-off event, it's a constantdynamic.
Then resentment is reactive andthis is where contempt develops
(07:28):
.
The fourth stage, the contemptwhich is the verdict constant
disdain, superiority, moraldisgust, the belief being that
you're beneath my respect,you'll never change.
This is where the beliefs of Iam right comes in.
For the most part, in thisstage, you've stopped expecting
(07:49):
reciprocity and you've mentallydemoted them and shut all doors.
There's no reactivity, it'sjust your stance, it's your
constant belief system.
This level of contempt anddisdain says I've judged you and
I'm done trying when you'reliving in this state.
Contempt can be internalized orexternalized.
(08:10):
Most of the time, women aresocialized to show contempt in
words.
Men do it outwardly, with angerand aggression.
Most of the time they're nottaught inward reflection, While
women mostly do it to the pointof rumination.
But either way, no matter howyou express it, it's still
(08:30):
contempt.
This is a misdirected signal ofunmet needs where you have
plenty of tools if you otherwisewanted to meet these needs.
All of this is based on adistortion of self-worth, that
somehow your self-worth isattached to other people's
acceptance of your values, which, again, I will remind you your
(08:51):
self-worth is unchanging,regardless of how many times
your brain forgets it.
Contempt is a cover for yourinsecurities where otherwise
it's used as a defense mechanismand applied anger to others,
Weaponized blame whenvulnerability feels too
threatening, especially ifthere's fear of inadequacy or
(09:13):
loss of control or fear ofabandonment.
The most liberating realizationhere is that all of these are
thought errors.
You can simply heal from them.
Or thought errors you cansimply heal from them.
Shaitan works to make youforget your worth as a human
being.
It says your worship isn't goodenough.
Your worth comes from yourproductivity.
So you go through life broodingin your insecurities and
(09:36):
constantly having a mentalcompetition with others to prove
your existence.
That competition is fertileground for contempt, because
you're never in contempt of achild because there's no
competition.
But maybe if the child is grownup and she steals your outfits,
your hijabs, your dresses, yourshoes right out of your closet
(09:58):
and all of them go missing, thenyou start to be frustrated
because now she's in competitionwith you and that one might or
might not have been a true story.
But remembering that the mostrewarded shaitan by Iblis is the
one who causes a strife inmarriage and contempt causes
strife Through superiority ofyour thought.
Shaitan says that you aretotally justified in your
(10:20):
contempt Because there's noother avenue in your contempt,
because there's no other avenue.
When you find yourself stuck inthat dynamic, you can safely
assume that this thought erroris from whispers of shaitan.
So contempt itself is trickybecause it can wear two faces.
On one hand it's an emotion,somewhat of an inner cocktail of
superiority, resentment,disgust.
(10:40):
But it's also a verb, abehavior, something that you do
and perform.
You hold someone in contempt,you treat them with contempt.
It's not always just how youfeel, it's also how you act and
more often how you don't act,because mostly you're
withdrawing, You're refusing toengage, You're giving silent
(11:02):
treatment.
So there's a lot of omission ofaction in contempt as well,
which is why I originally saidthat this is somewhat complex.
But contempt by far is one ofthe most corrosive emotional
states that you can carryyourself in, not just for your
relationships but for you.
It's erosive because it wearsaway on your capacity to see
(11:23):
other people and yourself ascomplex and redeemable.
The more contempt you carry,the more your brain hardens
around a single flattened storythey're not worth it.
I'm above this.
They'll never change and thisnarrative feels like
self-protection, but over timeit is a cage.
It blocks empathy, curiosity,trust.
(11:46):
All of these are raw materialsto build connection from, and
once those raw materials aregone, resentment has free reign
to grow.
Contempt, disdain, highlytolling on your psyche because
it keeps you in a state ofsustained moral alert.
You're scanning for proof thatyou're right about the person
(12:08):
who you want to hold in contempt.
This is a form of constantcognitive, emotional and mental
labor.
Even if it looks like you'reresting to other people, the
mind is always busy, draftingclosing arguments, rehearsing
comebacks.
It is cataloging every offense.
You can't truly be at easebecause contempt does not let
(12:29):
you rest.
It feeds on your constanthypervigilance.
That's why it is extremelymetabolically expensive, Since
emotions live in the body.
Holding contempt means thatyour nervous system, subtly or
not so subtly, is activated allthe time your stress hormones,
cortisol and adrenaline.
They stay elevated, even ifit's at low-grade levels, and
(12:53):
over time, this low-level,constant activation drains your
energy, the energy that youcould otherwise be using for
creativity, for intimacy, forjoy.
It's like leaving your phonewith 100 open apps.
You can keep going, but yourbattery is going to die much
faster and the system runsslower.
(13:14):
Ironically, contempt starts as away to save energy with beliefs
like I won't even botherengaging with this person
anymore.
But this is what I call snootycontempt, which is quiet, nose
in the air decision that they'renot even worth your time.
That type of snooty contempt isa lot of times in women, also
(13:36):
directed inwards that you don'teven want to give yourself the
time of the day to self-reflector improve or heal.
To give yourself the time ofthe day to self-reflect or
improve or heal.
On the surface, it looks likeyou've let other people's
behavior roll off your back,that you're above it and you're
over it.
But if you have to keep tellingyourself or others that you're
not bothered, that you've movedon, that in itself is a dead
(13:58):
giveaway that you haven't.
You wish you were over it.
You want to be over it, but youaren't.
Because if you truly were, itwouldn't be a recurring headline
in your mind.
It wouldn't even be a topic ofdiscussion, it would never slip
into conversations.
If you were truly over it, thatinner monologue would not live
rent-free in your head.
(14:19):
And the best way to overcomethis is not to fake indifference
head.
And the best way to overcomethis is not to fake indifference
is not to fake that you don'tcare.
It's to admit the truth.
Admit that I'm still trying toget over this.
This single act of honestyhelps you shift out of denial
and into possibility.
When you acknowledge thatcontempt might still be alive in
(14:40):
you, you bring it into yourconscious field where you can
actually contemplate it and dosomething about it.
Snooty contempt is metabolicallyexpensive.
It's running in the backgroundlike a hidden app, draining your
mental battery while you thinkyou're coasting and resting.
It's invisible to yourconscious mind until you name it
(15:01):
.
And once you name it you candecide do I want to keep feeding
this or do I want to claim myenergy back?
Content for high achievers alot of times looks like constant
criticism of yourself of notreaching financial goals.
Instead of saying I suck atbusiness, try saying that didn't
(15:22):
work.
I'm still figuring it out.
Like I said, contempt can bedirected outwards and inwards.
External contempt in marriagecan look like if the husband
says you're so selfish fortraveling without me, you as a
wife pause and says it seemslike this makes you left behind.
What would help you to feelconnected while I'm gone, While
(15:45):
this is a perfect opportunityfor you to hold contempt against
your husband.
There are other ways to dealwith it.
So now let me give you somethought exercises for you to
recognize it easier.
The next time when you feelcontempt is sneaking in, ask
yourself when you feel contemptis sneaking in, ask yourself
where in my body is it living?
Is this feeling giving me poweror stealing it?
(16:08):
Is this about somebody else, oris it about a need I gave up or
I haven't met?
No-transcript.
So these thoughts and questionsare an invitation for you to
meet your needs.
The worst kind of contempt isthe self-directed one, because
(16:29):
you can't just get up and walkaway from it.
You live with it 24-7.
And for high-performing womenit's especially brutal because
the brain is so used to runningon achievement and excellence.
On achievement and excellence,the same sharp mind that solves
the problems and breaks barriersalso knows exactly how to aim
with precision at itself.
(16:50):
One mistake and you tellyourself I'm not cut out for
this, it's taking too long.
I should have already learnedthis.
You always have an opportunityto reframe your internal
contempt.
None of your thoughts are finalverdicts about yourself.
You can practice self-coaching.
You can say more self-acceptingand graceful things to yourself
(17:13):
.
You can say to yourself.
This one marketing campaignfailed.
I learned something that willsave me a thousand dollars next
time.
The shift is I messed up, soI'm useless.
This gives more fuel to innerdirected contempt, To saying
mistakes are data for futuremastery.
(17:33):
A simple reframe will turn veryexpensive contempt into fuel
that then later fuels yoursuccess Instead of eroding your
self-worth.
The experience becomes a partof your growth record.
You stop seeing yourself as theroot of the problem and you
start seeing everything as ascientist testing, learning,
(17:54):
improving with each round.
I cannot say it enough the mostexpensive contempt that you're
carrying around is the one youaim at yourself, the eye roll
that you gave your partner thatyou noticed.
You've probably already giventhat to yourself 10 times worse,
that constant judgment, thatmeasuring, the never good enough
(18:15):
standard that will erode yourperception of your worth from
inside out.
And that is absolutely the workof shaitan, Because if he can
get you to live in a brokenrelationship with yourself,
everything else will also breakwhen you walk through life
doubting your own value,questioning your decisions.
That energy spills into everyrelationship, your marriage,
(18:38):
your friendships, your works.
None of them can thrive if theperson showing up in them is
carrying self-disdain in herheart.
So shaitan doesn't have todestroy your connections
directly.
All it has to do is keep you incontempt of yourself, and the
rest will follow, Healing thatrelationship with yourself might
look like superficial self-care, but it is deep spiritual
(19:01):
protection.
When you treat yourself withrespect, compassion, fairness,
you close one of the easiestdoors shaitan uses to walk into
your life.
The solution for all of this isactually extremely simple Keep
your thoughts in check.
But you can't keep yourthoughts in check if you don't
even know that they're there.
So start with acknowledgingthat you might be carrying
(19:24):
contempt.
Unless you do that, you'll haveno reason to examine your inner
dialogue.
You'll keep rehearsing the samemental script, reinforcing the
judgments, telling yourself thatit's just reality.
Meanwhile, all of your moralsuperiority continues to harden
and you'll be convinced that theworld is the problem and that
(19:44):
your relationship was doomedfrom the start.
Your acknowledgement opens thepossibility to break the loop.
The moment you say I'm holdingcontempt right now, you create a
gap between the feeling and thetruth.
In that gap, you can choose tocorrect yourself and heal your
thoughts.
Recognizing and correcting inreal time is indefinitely better
(20:07):
than letting contempt fester.
The more you live in it, themore work you have ahead of you
and the more you start believingthat connections just can't
work for you and the more yourmind looks for proof for that
belief.
Catching it early, gettingcoaching on it keeps you from
building a life on contempt.
It keeps you from building anidentity with disdain.
(20:29):
With that, I pray to allah swt.
Ya allah, cleanse my heart ofcontempt towards others and
towards myself, replace anytrace of my superiority with
sincere connection.
Protect my relationships fromthe whispers of shaitan and
protect my own soul from hislies about my worth.
(20:50):
Ya Allah, help me keep mythoughts in check so I can see
myself and others through thelens of your mercy.
Ya Allah, allow me to honor thetrust you've placed in me to
love, forgive and repair.
Ameen, Ya Rabbul Ameen, Pleasekeep me in your duas.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
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