August 5, 2025 • 15 mins
Defiance carries complex meanings in our tradition. While Islam emphasizes submission to Allah and respect for authority, it simultaneously commands us to stand firm for justice, even against ourselves or loved ones. This tension creates a profound question: when does saying "no" honor your faith rather than contradict it?
Through exploring both Quranic guidance and prophetic teachings, we discover that healthy defiance, refusing what harms your spiritual, physical, or mental wellbeing...isn't just permitted but sometimes required.
The challenge lies in discernment—distinguishing between ego-driven rebellion and principled resistance. When feeling pressured to conform, ask yourself: Does this please Allah? Does this protect my heart and body? Your answers illuminate the path forward.
=======================================================================================
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Atar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today we're going to beexploring the topic of defiance,
a very, very commonly used wordwhen it relates to toddler
(00:27):
tantrums or social movements.
Defiance, according todictionaries, is defined by open
resistance or bold disobedience.
This is what carries the imageof rebellion, opposition and
non-compliance.
But right now, in modernculture, we celebrate resistance
as a noble courage, especiallywhen it's practiced that way,
(00:48):
but expectedly, we frown on itwhen it's open disobedience.
How can the same action becomesuddenly negative when you don't
like the cause?
Think about it.
When a child refuses to go tobed, we call it defiance, but
when a nation refuses unjustlaws, we call it freedom,
movement and we celebrate it.
For you guys, as Muslim women,the word can be loaded, because
(01:13):
our faith emphasizes obedienceto God, respect for parents,
service to community and livingin harmony.
But that does not mean that allforms of resistance is bad.
In harmony, but that does notmean that all forms of
resistance is bad.
There's a world of differencebetween a reckless act and
principled stand.
I'm going to be talking aboutdefiance in two podcasts, and
(01:35):
today we'll explore how toharness this energy of defiance
in a way that aligns withIslamic teachings, and it
enriches your life, helps youaccomplish your goals, get you
treated respectfully and itkeeps you grounded.
So Islam has very prominent setof rules, but it is also a
complete way of life.
The commandments of Allah SWTare designed to bring happiness
(01:58):
to individuals and societies ingeneral, and the strength of a
Muslim is determined by faith inAllah SWT and obedience to him,
and this is the obedience thatembodies peace, security and
submission.
All of that is important inIslam.
This is why you, as a believer,are encouraged to follow
guidance, even when, andespecially when, it doesn't
(02:19):
align with your immediatedesires.
Every rule in Islam has wisdombehind it, even if we don't see
it right away.
So this is not where defiancefits in.
There's no room for defiancewhen it comes to submission in
Islam.
So I don't want you guys tothink that I'm being
contradictory.
You follow the path of peaceand you can still embrace a
(02:39):
concept associated withrebellion and, of course, as
always, the key is understandingthe context and your intention
behind it Defiance against Godor harmful behavior towards
others is destructive.
But defiance of injustice,oppression or harm is a part of
a moral code of Islam and, ofcourse, it's possible to be both
(03:01):
devout and discerning.
You obey Allah, subhanahu wata'ala, yet you have minds and
hearts to recognize whensomething violates your right
and your well-being, how tostand up against it.
So let's imagine you volunteerat a community event where
everyone naturally assumes thatyou'll be doing the bulk of
cooking because that's what agood woman's supposed to do.
(03:22):
But if you don't want to dothat, refusing and insisting on
sharing differentresponsibilities can seem
defiant to others.
So this is where yourdiscernment comes in.
Are you being defiant or areyou exercising your right to
enjoy an activity that you enjoyas a human?
It might ruffle feathers,especially if they've already
made plans and they're relyingon your cooking, but you
(03:46):
upholding your preferences, thatis your self-respect towards
you.
That is not necessarily defiantbehavior.
So this defiance in a healthysense that I want to explain it
and I want you guys to adopt itis not about being a difficult
person, somebody who's difficultto get along with.
Defiance is refusing to complywith what's harmful to you or
(04:07):
others in general or otherwiseunjust.
In the Quran, surah 4, part ofayah 135, it says Stand firm for
justice, even if it is againstyourself or your parents or
close relatives.
This reminds you that loyaltyto justice comes before pleasing
others.
In a hadith, prophet peace beupon him said Do not cause harm
(04:31):
or return harm.
If something threatens yourspiritual, physical or mental
well-being, islam does notrequire you to endure it.
Other people who areinconvenienced by your defiance
might put it that way.
They will insist that yourcooperation is part of the rules
of Islam.
When it's not, it's purelycultural, healthy defiance looks
(04:55):
like setting boundaries.
If your relatives press you tooverextend yourself for family
events, you can decline whatdrains you.
If workplace demands that youcompromise your hijab or modesty
, assert your right to dressaccording to your faith, the way
you want, to what you value.
These acts of refusal might seemrebellious and defiant, but
(05:18):
they're not sinful.
They're acts of self-respect,especially when they preserve
your faith.
If you were raised your entirelife with the value of monogamy
and your nervous system is notready for polygyny, it is
acceptable to say so.
It's not defying Islam, it'sexercising your right.
Right, yes, men have a right totake four wives, but you also
(05:42):
have a right to stipulate inyour nikah contract that that
doesn't happen.
Your defiance will beuncomfortable for those who
benefit from your submission.
It could be family members.
It could be members, peoplethat are expecting unpaid labor.
It could be societal norms thatlimit your potential.
This discomfort does not meanyou're wrong.
(06:04):
It means that you'rechallenging status quo.
It means that it might bedifficult for you, especially if
it's new to you, but it doesnot mean that it's wrong.
Islam emphasizes justice andprohibits harm.
That includes harm againstyourself.
Standing up for your rights isan act of faith.
If you have to do defiance,then that's what it needs to be.
(06:26):
Defiance can include allbehavior that is unexpected of
you, that gives you a positiveoutcome in your life.
Khadija may Allah be pleasedwith her defied social
expectations by proposing to theProphet and running her own
business.
All of that was againstsocietal norms.
In your own life, defiancemight look like declining gossip
(06:51):
, insisting on your right tohigher education and saying no
to unhealthy relationships.
It might mean challengingharmful cultural practices that
are otherwise mislabeled asIslamic but have no basis in the
religion.
The goal of healthy defiance isnot for you to be combative.
It's for you to align your lifewith righteousness and your
(07:14):
well-being.
So how do you make thisdefiance meaningful?
You do it by aligning it withyour faith and your values.
Defiance cannot be an ego trip.
It should be a tool for justice, mercy and personal evolution.
When you're faced with pressureto conform to something that's
personally harmful to you, askyourself does this please Allah?
(07:37):
Does this protect my heart andmy body?
If the answer is no, then it'stime for you to stand your
ground.
As a Muslim woman, you carry aheritage of resilience.
Your mother's grandmotherslived through complex societies.
They embraced their faith andthey were able to stand up
against injustice.
(07:58):
Your defiance is a part of thatlegacy.
Use it to nurture yourselfspiritually, safeguard your
mental and physical health,elevate yourself and your
community and your faith.
Healthy defiance is protectingyour religious boundaries in all
settings.
After a successful project, ifyour work team plans a visit to
(08:20):
the bar for happy hour, defiancein this case with confidence is
going to help you protect yourjob and your relationships and
your networking connections, andit will also preserve your
faith values.
If your in-laws ask you to hosta large party, that's last
minute, you can respectfullydecline, propose another date or
(08:41):
say you don't have resources tohost a party altogether.
You do have the responsibilityto not cause reciprocal harm.
But your defiance does notautomatically mean that it's
going to be harmful to others,because it's very much about how
you carry that defiance out andthat practice of saying no in a
way that maintains these familyties, especially if that's of
(09:03):
value to you.
This is what we practice in mycoaching program.
Unhealthy defiance, on the otherhand, is a rebellion that
undermines others.
If you're frustrated by a malecolleague always getting more
recognition and you start toarrive late to meetings just to
teach them a lesson, this is aform of defiance that you're
embodying that violatesworkplace ethics, since it
(09:25):
breaks the trustworthiness thatyour work places on you.
Or unhealthy defiance is if youreject your husband's rights in
the name of independence.
If you dismiss your husband'svalid concerns about finances,
insisting that you know how tospend your money, your husband's
valid concerns about finances,insisting that you know how to
spend your money.
Islam gives you financialindependence in a marriage, but
(09:46):
it does not give you permissionto disrespect In the name of
defiance.
You cannot deliberately harmyour spouse's interests,
especially the household or thefamily's interests.
Coaching helps you differentiatebetween asserting rightful
boundaries and when you'reacting out of ego.
Coaching helps youdifferentiate between asserting
rightful boundaries and whenyou're acting out of ego.
Coaching helps you see howcertain actions harm your
reputation and contradict theobligations that you otherwise
(10:08):
have.
I see it a lot of times when,in pursuit of autonomy, women
these days celebrate defiance.
That is outright unhealthy,labeling all advice as control.
If you're doing that andrefusing to listen to
respectable scholars, then yourdefiance might need a check.
(10:28):
Healthy defiance is difficultfor Muslim women sometimes
because we grow up with themessage that a good daughter is
an obedient one.
From a young age you hearthings like listen to your
elders, do what you're told.
While it is extremely importantfor us to instill respect for
parents and elders in girls andin boys, because it has basis in
(10:49):
our faith, thiswell-intentioned training goes
to an extreme.
Parents, community eldersexpect unquestioning compliance,
equating that with goodcharacter and piety, especially
for women.
As a Muslim therapist observedon muslimmattersorg, we raise
our children to beunconditionally obedient.
(11:10):
We tell them you have to listento your elders and you do what
you're told.
This becomes problematicbecause our children are not
trained from early on aboutinappropriate behavior.
When children encounterinappropriate behavior from
elders.
The only thing they know isobligation to obey and be
submissive.
You can see how this is sodangerous.
(11:32):
A child, even as an adult, maynever learn where to draw the
line.
They don't learn to say this isnot okay.
They never learn to becomfortable with their
discomfort and speak up whensomething's wrong.
This obedient daughter,qualification of polite, quiet
and agreeable these are allqualities that are admirable,
(11:53):
but only in moderation, whenthis healthy defiance is
entirely lost.
The same girl who never daredto say I don't like this or this
isn't right is going to grow upto be a woman who struggles to
assert any kind of boundary.
She will also be conditioned toavoid any defiance that is even
about voicing a milddisagreement, because to her
(12:14):
that's going to feel like amoral transgression.
So if you're a girl who'searned their PhD in yes, mom, or
whatever you say, auntie, ifyou've been practicing obedience
since kindergarten, this is aninvite for you to start
practicing healthy defiance.
Islam does not demand blindobedience to others at the cost
(12:35):
of justice or personalwell-being.
But this is exactly what blindobedience to Allah, subhanahu wa
ta'ala, gets translated as.
Obedience to parents is alwayswithin the bounds of what is
good and permissible.
The Prophet taught there is noobedience in matters involving
disobedience to Allah.
Obedience is only in what isgood.
(12:57):
Agreed upon.
Hadith by Imam Bukhari and ImamMuslim.
This means that saying no orspeaking up is not just allowed,
but required when someone inauthority asks for something
wrong.
Besides all of this evidence,cultural norms are powerful.
If you grew up learning that agood Muslim girl does not talk
(13:17):
back, you might carry thatmindset into every area of your
life.
The cost of this upbringingbecomes obvious later, in
adulthood, when that suppressedvoice begins to manifest in
unhealthy ways.
If you're at that point, I willinvite you to get coaching with
me.
I will leave the link in theshow notes on exactly how to do
(13:37):
that With that.
I will leave the link in theshow notes on exactly how to do
that With that.
I pray to Allah SWT.
Ya Allah, grant me the strengthto stand for truth.
Fill my heart with wisdom toknow when to speak and when to
stay silent.
Make my resistance a shield toprotect me and my faith, not a
sword to harm others.
Make my defiance a means ofprotecting my faith and dignity.
(13:59):
Help me say no to where youhave placed boundaries and help
me say yes to where you haveplaced growth for me.
Let my defiance be onlyenrooted in love for you, ya
Allah, not ego, not anger.
Not fear, ya Adil, make me awoman who upholds justice, ameen
.
Ya Rabbul Alameen, please keepme in your du'as.
(14:21):
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Atar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today we're going to beexploring the topic of defiance,
a very, very commonly used wordwhen it relates to toddler
(00:27):
tantrums or social movements.
Defiance, according todictionaries, is defined by open
resistance or bold disobedience.
This is what carries the imageof rebellion, opposition and
non-compliance.
But right now, in modernculture, we celebrate resistance
as a noble courage, especiallywhen it's practiced that way,
(00:48):
but expectedly, we frown on itwhen it's open disobedience.
How can the same action becomesuddenly negative when you don't
like the cause?
Think about it.
When a child refuses to go tobed, we call it defiance, but
when a nation refuses unjustlaws, we call it freedom,
movement and we celebrate it.
For you guys, as Muslim women,the word can be loaded, because
(01:13):
our faith emphasizes obedienceto God, respect for parents,
service to community and livingin harmony.
But that does not mean that allforms of resistance is bad.
In harmony, but that does notmean that all forms of
resistance is bad.
There's a world of differencebetween a reckless act and
principled stand.
I'm going to be talking aboutdefiance in two podcasts, and
(01:35):
today we'll explore how toharness this energy of defiance
in a way that aligns withIslamic teachings, and it
enriches your life, helps youaccomplish your goals, get you
treated respectfully and itkeeps you grounded.
So Islam has very prominent setof rules, but it is also a
complete way of life.
The commandments of Allah SWTare designed to bring happiness
(01:58):
to individuals and societies ingeneral, and the strength of a
Muslim is determined by faith inAllah SWT and obedience to him,
and this is the obedience thatembodies peace, security and
submission.
All of that is important inIslam.
This is why you, as a believer,are encouraged to follow
guidance, even when, andespecially when, it doesn't
(02:19):
align with your immediatedesires.
Every rule in Islam has wisdombehind it, even if we don't see
it right away.
So this is not where defiancefits in.
There's no room for defiancewhen it comes to submission in
Islam.
So I don't want you guys tothink that I'm being
contradictory.
You follow the path of peaceand you can still embrace a
(02:39):
concept associated withrebellion and, of course, as
always, the key is understandingthe context and your intention
behind it Defiance against Godor harmful behavior towards
others is destructive.
But defiance of injustice,oppression or harm is a part of
a moral code of Islam and, ofcourse, it's possible to be both
(03:01):
devout and discerning.
You obey Allah, subhanahu wata'ala, yet you have minds and
hearts to recognize whensomething violates your right
and your well-being, how tostand up against it.
So let's imagine you volunteerat a community event where
everyone naturally assumes thatyou'll be doing the bulk of
cooking because that's what agood woman's supposed to do.
(03:22):
But if you don't want to dothat, refusing and insisting on
sharing differentresponsibilities can seem
defiant to others.
So this is where yourdiscernment comes in.
Are you being defiant or areyou exercising your right to
enjoy an activity that you enjoyas a human?
It might ruffle feathers,especially if they've already
made plans and they're relyingon your cooking, but you
(03:46):
upholding your preferences, thatis your self-respect towards
you.
That is not necessarily defiantbehavior.
So this defiance in a healthysense that I want to explain it
and I want you guys to adopt itis not about being a difficult
person, somebody who's difficultto get along with.
Defiance is refusing to complywith what's harmful to you or
(04:07):
others in general or otherwiseunjust.
In the Quran, surah 4, part ofayah 135, it says Stand firm for
justice, even if it is againstyourself or your parents or
close relatives.
This reminds you that loyaltyto justice comes before pleasing
others.
In a hadith, prophet peace beupon him said Do not cause harm
(04:31):
or return harm.
If something threatens yourspiritual, physical or mental
well-being, islam does notrequire you to endure it.
Other people who areinconvenienced by your defiance
might put it that way.
They will insist that yourcooperation is part of the rules
of Islam.
When it's not, it's purelycultural, healthy defiance looks
(04:55):
like setting boundaries.
If your relatives press you tooverextend yourself for family
events, you can decline whatdrains you.
If workplace demands that youcompromise your hijab or modesty
, assert your right to dressaccording to your faith, the way
you want, to what you value.
These acts of refusal might seemrebellious and defiant, but
(05:18):
they're not sinful.
They're acts of self-respect,especially when they preserve
your faith.
If you were raised your entirelife with the value of monogamy
and your nervous system is notready for polygyny, it is
acceptable to say so.
It's not defying Islam, it'sexercising your right.
Right, yes, men have a right totake four wives, but you also
(05:42):
have a right to stipulate inyour nikah contract that that
doesn't happen.
Your defiance will beuncomfortable for those who
benefit from your submission.
It could be family members.
It could be members, peoplethat are expecting unpaid labor.
It could be societal norms thatlimit your potential.
This discomfort does not meanyou're wrong.
(06:04):
It means that you'rechallenging status quo.
It means that it might bedifficult for you, especially if
it's new to you, but it doesnot mean that it's wrong.
Islam emphasizes justice andprohibits harm.
That includes harm againstyourself.
Standing up for your rights isan act of faith.
If you have to do defiance,then that's what it needs to be.
(06:26):
Defiance can include allbehavior that is unexpected of
you, that gives you a positiveoutcome in your life.
Khadija may Allah be pleasedwith her defied social
expectations by proposing to theProphet and running her own
business.
All of that was againstsocietal norms.
In your own life, defiancemight look like declining gossip
(06:51):
, insisting on your right tohigher education and saying no
to unhealthy relationships.
It might mean challengingharmful cultural practices that
are otherwise mislabeled asIslamic but have no basis in the
religion.
The goal of healthy defiance isnot for you to be combative.
It's for you to align your lifewith righteousness and your
(07:14):
well-being.
So how do you make thisdefiance meaningful?
You do it by aligning it withyour faith and your values.
Defiance cannot be an ego trip.
It should be a tool for justice, mercy and personal evolution.
When you're faced with pressureto conform to something that's
personally harmful to you, askyourself does this please Allah?
(07:37):
Does this protect my heart andmy body?
If the answer is no, then it'stime for you to stand your
ground.
As a Muslim woman, you carry aheritage of resilience.
Your mother's grandmotherslived through complex societies.
They embraced their faith andthey were able to stand up
against injustice.
(07:58):
Your defiance is a part of thatlegacy.
Use it to nurture yourselfspiritually, safeguard your
mental and physical health,elevate yourself and your
community and your faith.
Healthy defiance is protectingyour religious boundaries in all
settings.
After a successful project, ifyour work team plans a visit to
(08:20):
the bar for happy hour, defiancein this case with confidence is
going to help you protect yourjob and your relationships and
your networking connections, andit will also preserve your
faith values.
If your in-laws ask you to hosta large party, that's last
minute, you can respectfullydecline, propose another date or
(08:41):
say you don't have resources tohost a party altogether.
You do have the responsibilityto not cause reciprocal harm.
But your defiance does notautomatically mean that it's
going to be harmful to others,because it's very much about how
you carry that defiance out andthat practice of saying no in a
way that maintains these familyties, especially if that's of
(09:03):
value to you.
This is what we practice in mycoaching program.
Unhealthy defiance, on the otherhand, is a rebellion that
undermines others.
If you're frustrated by a malecolleague always getting more
recognition and you start toarrive late to meetings just to
teach them a lesson, this is aform of defiance that you're
embodying that violatesworkplace ethics, since it
(09:25):
breaks the trustworthiness thatyour work places on you.
Or unhealthy defiance is if youreject your husband's rights in
the name of independence.
If you dismiss your husband'svalid concerns about finances,
insisting that you know how tospend your money, your husband's
valid concerns about finances,insisting that you know how to
spend your money.
Islam gives you financialindependence in a marriage, but
(09:46):
it does not give you permissionto disrespect In the name of
defiance.
You cannot deliberately harmyour spouse's interests,
especially the household or thefamily's interests.
Coaching helps you differentiatebetween asserting rightful
boundaries and when you'reacting out of ego.
Coaching helps youdifferentiate between asserting
rightful boundaries and whenyou're acting out of ego.
Coaching helps you see howcertain actions harm your
reputation and contradict theobligations that you otherwise
(10:08):
have.
I see it a lot of times when,in pursuit of autonomy, women
these days celebrate defiance.
That is outright unhealthy,labeling all advice as control.
If you're doing that andrefusing to listen to
respectable scholars, then yourdefiance might need a check.
(10:28):
Healthy defiance is difficultfor Muslim women sometimes
because we grow up with themessage that a good daughter is
an obedient one.
From a young age you hearthings like listen to your
elders, do what you're told.
While it is extremely importantfor us to instill respect for
parents and elders in girls andin boys, because it has basis in
(10:49):
our faith, thiswell-intentioned training goes
to an extreme.
Parents, community eldersexpect unquestioning compliance,
equating that with goodcharacter and piety, especially
for women.
As a Muslim therapist observedon muslimmattersorg, we raise
our children to beunconditionally obedient.
(11:10):
We tell them you have to listento your elders and you do what
you're told.
This becomes problematicbecause our children are not
trained from early on aboutinappropriate behavior.
When children encounterinappropriate behavior from
elders.
The only thing they know isobligation to obey and be
submissive.
You can see how this is sodangerous.
(11:32):
A child, even as an adult, maynever learn where to draw the
line.
They don't learn to say this isnot okay.
They never learn to becomfortable with their
discomfort and speak up whensomething's wrong.
This obedient daughter,qualification of polite, quiet
and agreeable these are allqualities that are admirable,
(11:53):
but only in moderation, whenthis healthy defiance is
entirely lost.
The same girl who never daredto say I don't like this or this
isn't right is going to grow upto be a woman who struggles to
assert any kind of boundary.
She will also be conditioned toavoid any defiance that is even
about voicing a milddisagreement, because to her
(12:14):
that's going to feel like amoral transgression.
So if you're a girl who'searned their PhD in yes, mom, or
whatever you say, auntie, ifyou've been practicing obedience
since kindergarten, this is aninvite for you to start
practicing healthy defiance.
Islam does not demand blindobedience to others at the cost
(12:35):
of justice or personalwell-being.
But this is exactly what blindobedience to Allah, subhanahu wa
ta'ala, gets translated as.
Obedience to parents is alwayswithin the bounds of what is
good and permissible.
The Prophet taught there is noobedience in matters involving
disobedience to Allah.
Obedience is only in what isgood.
(12:57):
Agreed upon.
Hadith by Imam Bukhari and ImamMuslim.
This means that saying no orspeaking up is not just allowed,
but required when someone inauthority asks for something
wrong.
Besides all of this evidence,cultural norms are powerful.
If you grew up learning that agood Muslim girl does not talk
(13:17):
back, you might carry thatmindset into every area of your
life.
The cost of this upbringingbecomes obvious later, in
adulthood, when that suppressedvoice begins to manifest in
unhealthy ways.
If you're at that point, I willinvite you to get coaching with
me.
I will leave the link in theshow notes on exactly how to do
(13:37):
that With that.
I will leave the link in theshow notes on exactly how to do
that With that.
I pray to Allah SWT.
Ya Allah, grant me the strengthto stand for truth.
Fill my heart with wisdom toknow when to speak and when to
stay silent.
Make my resistance a shield toprotect me and my faith, not a
sword to harm others.
Make my defiance a means ofprotecting my faith and dignity.
(13:59):
Help me say no to where youhave placed boundaries and help
me say yes to where you haveplaced growth for me.
Let my defiance be onlyenrooted in love for you, ya
Allah, not ego, not anger.
Not fear, ya Adil, make me awoman who upholds justice, ameen
.
Ya Rabbul Alameen, please keepme in your du'as.
(14:21):
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
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I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!