Defiance Part II

Breaking free from childhood conditioning that equates speaking up with danger or rejection, this episode explores the transformative power of "healthy defiance" - a balanced approach to standing firm while maintaining respect for others and honoring your faith.

When raised with unquestioned obedience, many Muslim women develop patterns that persist into adulthood: anxiety during minor disagreements, compulsive over-explaining, constant apologizing, and either complete withdrawal or defensive outbursts when faced with feedback. These are protective mechanisms developed early in life that no longer serve their purpose. Your racing heart during a routine workplace critique isn't weakness; it's your nervous system misinterpreting neutral situations as threats based on past experiences.

Healthy defiance represents the middle path championed in Islamic tradition. Unlike reactivity driven by fear, it flows from self-respect and aligns perfectly with Quranic guidance to speak kindly (2:83) and argue in ways that are best (16:125). This episode offers practical approaches to rewiring your responses: increasing self-awareness of physical and mental reactions, challenging catastrophizing thoughts, and reframing criticism through faith. Remember that Allah's view of you transcends any human judgment, and standing up for truth honors the amanah (trust) He has placed in you regarding your wellbeing and dignity.

Start small - express a preference when you'd normally stay silent, decline a minor request you lack capacity for, or calmly address disrespectful behavior. With each boundary you set and maintain, you collect evidence that healthy assertiveness is safe, gradually reclaiming your authentic voice. Whether you're struggling with people-pleasing tendencies or finding yourself constantly defensive, this episode provides compassionate guidance for developing the untaught art of saying no while keeping faith at the center of your journey.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Atar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today we're going to continueto talk about defiance, how I
define it, and this is going tobe the extension of the first

(00:25):
part.
What happens when a child raisedwith unquestioned obedience
becomes an adult?
In coaching, a few commonpatterns emerge when I see this
among Muslim women, there's thischronic sense of anxiety and
conflict.
Something as simple as adisagreement or feedback can
have the potential to have yourheart racing, palms sweating,

(00:48):
having never learned to navigateconflict because you never
learned healthy defiance.
Every time someone like thatexperiences confrontation or
maybe just a corrective feedback, it feels like a dire threat to
the body because it echoes thechildhood unsafety of if I speak
up, then I'm not going tobelong in this family anymore.

(01:08):
Also, I see a lot ofover-explanation and
people-pleasing, compulsivelyover-explaining the actions at
the slightest sign ofdisapproval.
All of this comes from adefense mechanism that you
learned in childhood as a way toavoid punishment, as a way to
avoid disappointing others.
And if in adulthood, this habitpersists, even when it's not

(01:30):
needed, because your brain stillbelieves over-explaining means
safety.
Then it's time for you tointerrupt these habits and start
to interpret these neutralsituations as non-threatening.
You might also see yourselfconstantly apologizing, giving
far too many details justifyingyour small choices.
Then I also see a fawningresponse, which is the flip side

(01:54):
of fight or flight.
In this response, womenimmediately try to appease or
placate the situation and theperson, just to avoid conflict.
And again, this comes from alifetime of enforced obedience
which primes many women to slipinto this mode.
And surprisingly, a lot of otherwomen swing into the other
extreme, suppressed feelingsleading to outbursts of

(02:17):
irritability and constantdefensiveness.
If someone questions you andyou react with a rushed
defensive tone or you collapsein tears, then it's all because
internally it's feeling like anattack on your worth, when, just
as a reminder, I'm going totell you again that your worth
has nothing to do with howpeople treat you.
Recently, one sister in acoaching session reflected on a

(02:39):
dynamic to me, telling me thateverything that she got coached
on connected her back to herchildhood conditioning Saying
things like when I was youngerif I was attacked I was not
allowed to say anything and Ijust had to accept it, and it's
not unique to her.
Every child is in thatsituation.
So when now, every unexplainedfeeling of overwhelm and anxiety

(03:00):
at a slightest form ofcriticism feels like an
injustice to her even ineveryday scenarios, because she
was never allowed to practicehealthy defiance as a child, so
her adult mind still equates anyconfrontation with being
powerless.
Your professional workplace oryour family situations become a

(03:20):
surprising mirror of your past.
If you're in a team meeting andyour supervisor points out a
mistake, she says I noticed afew figures here and there were
wrong.
Please double check, even ifthere was no harsh tone.
But you immediately feel asense of dysregulation in your
body.
You feel a wave of heat orfeeling of your stomach dropping
.
You might notice your innerdialogue.

(03:41):
She's correcting me in front ofothers.
They must think I'm incompetent.
I should explain that it wasn'tmy fault.
The data source was flawed, Iwas so careful.
In reality, what your boss saysis a neutral comment, maybe
helpful, maybe a feedback ormaybe even criticism.
But if your mind and bodyperceives this as an attack,

(04:01):
then that's what it becomes, anda lot of times this is a
classic trauma response.
Why I want to highlight thisand why it's important is
because it's all aboutperspective.
Someone without that backgroundmight hear the same exact
critique and think, whoops, I'llfix that, no big deal.
But those of us carryingobedience conditioning, we later
catastrophize events like this,and you can very commonly see

(04:25):
that if you ever feeldysregulated with the public,
correction or disagreementBecause this childhood obedience
comes with a mandate never makeanybody look bad, and a lot of
times women avoid anyopportunity to speak up
personally or professionally,and that leads to so many missed
opportunities.
What I want you guys to noticeis that these responses of

(04:47):
anxiety, over-explainingdefensiveness, they're not signs
of weakness or lack of faith.
They're signs of deep emotionalconditioning.
So this is my strong invite foryou to start creating healthy
defiance in your life.
It does not mean that you startsnapping at everyone or you
refuse all sorts of feedback orcriticism, but it does mean to

(05:07):
learn the balance that wasmissing in your childhood by
neither being a pushover nor aperson who overreacts to every
provocation.
So I'm going to give you guys alot of language to separate
unhealthy reactivity fromhealthy boundary setting
defiance reactivity from healthyboundary setting defiance

(05:29):
Unhealthy reactivity is drivenby primal emotions of fear.
It's when your responses areknee-jerked, coming from a place
of hurt.
This could look like explodingat someone, yelling, trading
insults, or it could look likewithdrawing completely and
stewing in resentment, kind oflike the inner child, either
throwing a tantrum or hiding ina corner.
If you want to reply to a workcritique with an email, that is

(05:51):
a five paragraph long email thatis snappy and defensive in its
explanation, it's probablyreactive.
Or if you're silently allowingsomeone to cross your limits
time and time again and ofcourse that's followed by
berating yourself later, that isalso a form of unhealthy coping
.
In both forms you don't trulyfeel better after that reaction.

(06:12):
The over-aggression might leadto guilt or even newer conflicts
, and the silent swallowingleads to stress and
self-loathing.
Healthy defiance is a middlepath.
Through all of this clothing,healthy defiance is a middle
path through all of this.
Healthy defiance is rooted inself-respect.
This is where you come fromknowledge of your feelings and
acknowledge them and decide on aresponse that protects your

(06:33):
dignity and maintains respectfor others.
Now notice I did not say thatothers will feel respected.
What I'm saying is that youmaintain respect for others.
How others perceive you hasnothing to do with your actions.
This is the middle path thatIslam talks about.
Healthy defiance might look likethat.
You speak up when something'snot okay or you confidently say

(06:54):
no at an unreasonable request.
It will always be characterizedby a sense of an inner firmness
within you, without rage,without reactivity.
So if you have a toxicworkplace culture where everyone
is throwing everyone else underthe bus in meetings, you can
say I prefer one-to-one feedback.
I can understand the critique,but I don't want to be

(07:17):
embarrassed in front of others.
Say everything evenly, withoutintent of malice.
That is going to be a defiantmove for you If you're used to
silence or escape.
Healthy defiance is standing upfor yourself with respect and it
simply also means notInternalizing every remark,
negative or positive.
It's the ability to think andseparate yourself from your

(07:38):
circumstance.
Her tone was rude, but that'son her.
I know my work ethic and hercomment doesn't define me.
Healthy defiance is based onconfidence.
This is where you refuse toabsorb anybody else's negativity
.
I always tell you guys to thinkof healthy boundaries as a
protective fence.
This is around you physicallyand around your soul spiritually

(08:00):
.
This is not a wall that blockseveryone out and it does not
make you a doormat that everyonewalks on.
Our tradition teaches us speakkindly to others Quran, surah 2,
ayah 83.
And it also says argue in a waythat is best.
Quran, surah 16, ayah 125.
This is the ideal calmassertiveness grounded in your

(08:23):
values.
For someone who is healing fromchildhood over obedience,
learning healthy defiance mightfeel like exercising your unused
muscles.
It will feel awkward anduncomfortable at first.
You might worry am I being abad Muslim by disagreeing, or
what if they get angry at me?
Am I being a bad Muslim bydisagreeing, or what if they get
angry at me?

(08:43):
This is where coaching willhelp.
This is where spiritualreframing comes in.
Remember that Allah, subhanahuwa ta'ala, comes before pleasing
people.
If you stand up for your truthor protect yourself from
injustice, even a smallinjustice like an unfair
criticism, you're not disobeyingAllah.
You may actually be honoringthe trust that Allah SWT has
given you.
Your amanah of yourself, yourvoice, your well-being, your

(09:05):
dignity are a part of that trust.
So the big question is how doyou rewire that reaction that
goes from panic to empowerment,that creates healthy defiance?
How do you get from a lifetimeof automatic obedience or
fear-based reactions to ahealthier, balanced response?
And this is where coaching,therapy or conscious self-work

(09:26):
comes in.
It is possible to rewire thosereactions, but it takes
intentional practice.
I'm going to give you some ofthese approaches that I use in
my coaching Increaseself-awareness, which is
mindfulness of your mind, whichare your thoughts and the
language and your body.
These are the sensations andthe emotions that your body is
experiencing.

(09:46):
The first thing as a coach thatI help you do is help notice
your reaction patterns, and youdo that by noticing your mind
and your body.
What happens in your body whenthere's a trigger?
Maybe it's responses of yourchest tightness or throat
tightness or voice shaking.
What thoughts are automaticallypopping up?
I'm being attacked.

(10:07):
This is so unfair.
Why does she always have to dothis In the coaching session as
a coach, we literally pause andexpand that moment of time.
We create conversation andawareness around it.
Of time, we create conversationand awareness around it.
This level of mindfulness isabsolutely critical.
The more you notice all ofthese thought storms and
physical anxiety, the more youcan gently step outside of it.

(10:30):
You're observing the reactingself rather than being the
reacting self, and this isextremely healing.
Then you can challenge thatinner narrative.
Once you have identified thisthought, I'm in trouble.
She hates me.
Why do I always mess up?
Question is is it definitelytrue or could there be another
explanation?
We gently fact check on yourown thoughts.

(10:53):
My boss pointed out an error.
Does that truly mean that I'm afailure or I don't know
anything?
Is it possible that she's justdoing her job?
We constantly remind you thatthe current circumstance is
neutral and your interpretationis what causes any emotional
avalanche that you might beexperiencing.
This is where you start toregain your power.

(11:15):
This does not mean that you'redenying your feelings.
It does not mean that youchange your thoughts quickly.
It just means that youacknowledge that your mind is
amplifying the threat.
It also does not mean that it'swrong in doing that.
It just means that we mightwant to heal from the mind
always amplifying the threat.
Your feelings are valid, butthey're not facts.
But also don't judge yourselfharshly without any evidence.

(11:38):
Give yourself the benefit ofthe doubt just as easily as you
give others.
Reframing through faith is animportant aspect in all of this
Reminding yourself of Allah'sview of you versus a critic's
view.
A criticism from a person isnot a decree of your worth.
Allah knows your intentions,especially if you work hard to

(12:00):
purify and elevate your worth.
Allah knows your intentions,especially if you work hard to
purify and elevate yourintentions.
He knows what goes behind yourefforts and your struggles.
Another human being cannotjudge that.
If your conscience is clear,you can remind yourself I did my
best and Allah is my witness.
I don't need to fear thisperson's displeasure.
And if there was a mistake onyour part, islam teaches that

(12:22):
these mistakes are opportunitiesfor you to learn and seek
forgiveness.
They're not supposed to be asource of eternal shame.
This kind of tawakkul trust inAllah SWT and positive self-talk
go hand in hand, and this iswhat's going to gradually soothe
that inner child who's scaredof authority or who's never
practiced any healthy defiance.

(12:43):
All of these trials arepurifying for you.
Allah SWT is allowing thesechallenges to help you grow out
of your fear and always startwith practicing small acts of
whatever you want to accomplish,in this case, small acts of
healthy defiance.
Just like building a muscle,you start small.

(13:04):
As a coach, I'll encourage youto take gradual steps and I'll
show you where and when thatneeds to be implemented.
This could mean expressing apreference where you would
otherwise normally stay quiet,like telling a friend actually
I'd rather go to a differentrestaurant I'm not a fan of that
cuisine this practice of smallacts of healthy defiance.
It could mean no to a minorrequest that you don't have the

(13:27):
bandwidth for.
So each time you assert aboundary or give an opinion,
just notice what happens, whereyou'll start to notice that the
world doesn't implode with youractions.
In fact, people usually respectthose who can politely assert
themselves, and if they don't,that's more about them than you.
By gathering these littleexperiences, your mind will

(13:50):
start to collect evidence thatyou can do this.
You can assert healthyboundaries and follow through.
You can create patterns ofhealthy defiance in your life.
You start to prove to yournervous system that healthy
defiance is safe, and this is anabsolutely necessary step.
What I've noticed in mycoaching practice is setting
boundaries is not as difficultas following through with them.

(14:11):
Meaning, if a family member hasa habit of belittling you and
you've always just stayed quiet,a healthy defiance step would
be to address it.
When you say such and such, itis very disrespectful.
I would appreciate it if youdon't joke like that again and
then holding that line.
Creating the boundary andfollowing through those are the

(14:32):
two necessary steps andultimately, ultimately
reclaiming your narrative andyour story, reclaiming your
sense of self, meaning youbecome really sure about how you
see yourself, what are yourvalues, what are your priorities
.
A healthy sense of self for aMuslim woman is a humble knowing
coming from the confidence thatAllah SWT created you with

(14:53):
worth.
Coming from the confidence thatAllah SWT created you with
worth.
By reclaiming healthy defiance,you start to discover who you
are and what you stand for.
This is a healthy reclamationof your ego.
It can be just as simple asrealizing.
I always went along witheveryone when they wanted to eat
ice cream, when I actuallywanted hot cocoa.
And I'm giving you trivialexamples because I want your
nervous system to feel safe.

(15:15):
While you're starting to spendmore time on this, start to
permit yourself to existauthentically, and throughout
this journey, slip-ups willhappen.
You might try to speak up andyour voice shakes, or you cry,
or you might overdo it and yell,and that's okay.
It's all a part of learning, aslong as you're aware and
conscientious about it and youask for guidance and forgiveness

(15:37):
constantly.
In these cases, self-compassionis going to go a long way and
it is absolutely key here.
Treat yourself with mercy andcelebrate all of your efforts as
progress.
With that I pray to Allah,subhanahu wa ta'ala.
O Allah, the source of justiceand truth, make my heart firm
when I stand in what is right,free me from the fear of

(16:01):
people's opinions and fill meonly with your approval.
Instead, ya Allah, teach me thedifference between silence and
wisdom.
Return the voice to me that youhave created in me.
Make it clear, calm, confidentand respectful.
O Allah, let my boundaries be aform of worship and my strength
a reflection of my tawakkul.
Ameen, ya Rabbul Ameen, pleasekeep me in your du'as.

(16:24):
I will talk to you guys nexttime.