October 7, 2025 • 20 mins
We dive deep into equanimity as a practical, learnable skill for Muslim women who want to stop snapping, start choosing, and carry calm into chaos without numbing their hearts. Instead of trying to “feel calm first,” we flip the sequence: stabilize your actions while your emotions vary, train your nervous system with small, repeatable choices, and let your inner state catch up to your consistent behavior.
We unpack the difference between recalibrating disproportionate reactions (Path A) and channeling warranted intensity for safety, dignity, or justice (Path B). This is disciplined compassion guided by values and supported by faith.
You’ll learn how thought work reshapes the body’s chemistry, why each pause is a rep that strengthens composure, and how prayer anchors the shift. If you’re ready to replace reactivity with choice and let calm become your default, press play, subscribe, and share this with someone who deserves more peace. Leave a review with the one script you’ll try this week...we’d love to hear it.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:04):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, Dr.
Tamil After.
SPEAKER_01 (00:15):
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
The topic of today's podcastcame out of a theme I hear over
and over again in my coachingsessions.
Women will come to me and say, Idon't want to be bothered by
every little thing.
I don't want to snap and thenjust sit there and regret how I
reacted.
And when I hear this in mycoaching sessions, the word that
(00:36):
comes to mind is equanimity.
How to stay unruffled, how tostay composed.
And equanimity happens to be oneof my favorite words these days.
And these are women that areasking the same thing coming
from different stages in life,different ages, different
careers, different familysituations.
And all of it goes to tell mesomething important, that it's
(00:57):
not just a me problem or a youproblem, it's a human problem.
Muslim women are struggling withthis, so I figured I'll make a
podcast out of it.
The consensus is what you'rereally craving is equanimity,
that steady, even keel statewhere no matter what's happening
around you, you remain composed.
(01:18):
Either kids fighting or husbandforgetting to do that one thing
or co-worker being rude, youstill stay steady, not flat or
numb, not heightened orreactive, but steady.
Here, with equanimity, whatMuslim women are asking for is
to get off the emotional rollercoaster or reactivity to every
(01:39):
bump in the road.
You don't want to feel hijackedby your anger one minute, your
anxiety the next, and then yourguilt about having anger and
anxiety.
What you want to do is that youwant to be balanced.
You want to be the kind of womanwho carries herself with calm
and steadiness, and there'scomposure, especially in the
(01:59):
middle of chaos.
And this desire of calmnessmight come off as weakness, but
it's actually this strength.
And it's not detachment either.
This concept of equanimity meansthat you value your own peace
enough not to hand it over toevery small annoyance in your
life.
And I'll tell you something, Ivalue that too.
(02:20):
I value that immensely becausethis is something I had to
actively grow into.
It didn't come naturally to me,and I definitely always wasn't
like this.
But if you're sitting therethinking, well, I don't know if
I can get there, trust me youwill, and you can if you want
to.
So when I say even keel, nonattached, I'm talking about
(02:43):
equanimity, which is a state ofemotional stability and balance.
And this state of feeling calmand composed comes with
practice.
In the beginning you might feelthe highs and lows, you might
not feel even keel in your body,but you don't have to react to
all of these emotions.
And this is what I'm going toexpand on in this podcast.
(03:05):
To achieve the consistency ofyour state of mind and the state
of your body, meaning trulyachieving equanimity, you have
to go through the process offeeling steady in your actions.
Because coming to a result of awell adjusted woman, this is the
journey you have to take.
If you want to walk in a roomwithout being on the edge,
(03:26):
without carrying the lastargument in your body, without
overthinking what happenedbefore, you want to be able to
respond with intention insteadof react out of habit.
I absolutely love cultivatingand growing that even keel
energy in my life.
And I slip every now and then,and that's okay.
(03:47):
It takes some inner work and alot of rewiring for some people,
and honestly a lot of humilityto admit that I want to grow in
this area.
So it's okay if you weren'thanded the perfect circumstances
and a perfect life.
We're gonna be talking aboutdeveloping the skill of
steadiness.
And while I'm gonna be talkingabout this in this podcast, I
(04:07):
invite you to join my coachingbecause that's all we talk about
and that's what we coach on.
And if you haven't joined sofar, what are you waiting for?
Like seriously, you have to doit.
It's absolutely life-changing.
And even when I share the toolslike I am in this podcast,
coaching has this way ofspeeding up your healing.
And I'm not talking about fasterresults, even though yes, you do
(04:30):
get faster results.
I'm talking about making thechanges that stick.
You're not just having a goodweek after getting coached and
falling back into the sametraps.
You're rewiring your brain sothe shift becomes permanent.
And that's the part I love aboutcoaching because while it's
about quick fixes, it's alsogoing to give you the kind of
(04:51):
internal stability that lasts.
So when you're facing thoseeveryday moments, a
disrespectful comment, a messyhouse, you're no longer
reacting, you're choosing.
And that choice is going to feelmuch lighter, much freer, much
more available instead of youbeing trapped in the cycle of
regret.
(05:12):
So what I want to start with isto tell you about you must have
heard composure that is about astate of emotions.
And yes, sure, that's what itis.
But what if initially you can'tget there?
But what if you do feel all ofyour high intensity emotions?
Does that mean that you'resentenced to having a
temperamental reaction toeverything?
(05:34):
It does not.
And the difference between beingeven keel in your emotions and
being even keel in your actionslies between you trusting your
emotional state and you actingfrom it, versus you creating a
break in your emotional stateand your actions.
And this is where most of us gettripped up.
(05:54):
On this journey of equanimity,you were probably told that if
you could just stay calm, if youcould just feel calm, if you can
flatten your emotions, then yourbehavior would automatically
follow.
You'd be steady, composed,unbothered.
But initially that's not how itworks.
Your thoughts create youremotions, and the emotions is
(06:16):
what creates actions.
Which means it is a possibilitythat you'll feel high and low of
the emotions as a part of beinghuman.
You can't and you shouldn't tryto erase that spectrum, but you
don't need to suppress youremotions to show up as steady.
What matters is what you do withthose emotions, if you qualify
(06:38):
them as justifiable andprofitable in a given situation,
or if you disqualify aheightened emotion if that's not
what the situation calls for,and it calls for you to stay
calm.
Practicing equanimity in yourbehavior doesn't require for you
to stop feeling, requires foryou to stop reacting from the
(06:59):
feeling.
And this is the biggestdifference in the beginning.
You're not aiming for numbnessand flatness, you're aiming for
choice in what emotions to actfrom.
You're aiming for self-command,for the ability to feel an
emotion fully and still decide,okay, how do I want to act right
(07:19):
now?
You're aiming to create a gapbetween your emotions and
choosing an action.
Being even keel in your behavioris something you can do right
now, immediately, and thisshould be the very first step
before you even try to masterbeing even keel in your
emotions.
And defining equanimity aspurely an emotional state, calm,
(07:42):
steady, balanced on the inside.
And yes, that's beautiful, thatmost likely is the perfect
definition, and eventually youwill get there, that's where
we're headed.
But practically speaking, thefaster, more manageable way to
get there is to start with youractions.
Think of it as a series ofintentional moves.
(08:03):
Your actions are something youchoose to take.
Just as importantly, there areactions you choose not to take,
all being in alignment with yourvalue of being composed.
And that's how you begintraining your nervous system.
For example, if you feel a heatof anger rising, but you don't
want to raise your voice, youcan feel that, but you don't
(08:26):
have to clap back with the sameenergy.
These are little behavioralchoices.
Pausing and softening your tonebefore reacting from the emotion
of anger.
Maybe it requires for you tostep away from the situation for
a time being.
Or maybe your choice is silence.
These are all like repetitionsat the gym.
(08:48):
You're trying to lift a weightthat you haven't lifted before.
Each time you practice, you'restrengthening your capacity to
create a gap between emotionsand reactivity.
You're aligning more and morewith equanimity, starting with
your actions.
So what will start to happen inthis case is when your behavior
is consistently lined up withcomposure, your emotions will
(09:11):
eventually follow.
Your mind will learn a newpattern.
And instead of spiraling intoregret after a reaction, your
mind will start to associatechallenging emotions with
steadiness, with strength, withdignity, with composure.
And that's what will eventuallylead to an inner calm state.
(09:31):
Equanimity in your emotions.
This is when you're gonna startto settle in your nervous system
more calmly.
So I don't believe there is asingle person in the entire
world who doesn't feel emotions.
Even though sometimes you'retold or even believe that you
don't feel your emotions.
What really happens is somepeople get very skilled at
(09:53):
masking their emotions ordiverting them into something
else.
But everyone, every single oneof you feels the full spectrum,
the highs, the lows, the peaks,and the shallows.
So if your goal is to appeareven keel, and I personally feel
that is a very worthy goal, youdon't get there by shutting off
(10:14):
these highs and lows.
You don't get there throughnumbness.
You get there by recognizing theemotions that are going to rise
and fall and then choosing notto react to every single one of
them.
So for example, if somebodyspeaks to you disrespectfully,
that's going to stir up a highenergy emotion, maybe anger,
(10:34):
frustration, maybe indignation,and that's normal.
But feeling that emotion doesn'tmean that you have to speak it.
You don't have to retaliate orlet the emotion be the driver of
your behavior.
Living with equanimity does notmean you don't feel.
It just means you're not lettingevery feeling dictate your next
(10:54):
move.
The true evenness starts to showup in your behavior first, not
in the absence of emotionalexperience.
Because there are somesituations that are going to
call for heightened emotions,positive or negative.
There's joy, love, awe.
There are situations thatdeserve all of that full
(11:15):
intensity.
There are situations that aregoing to call for anger and
grief, and those emotions willvisit you too.
But you still get to decide, doI let this emotion run the show
or do I choose to stay steadyand choose how I act?
And this is where the power ofcomposure lives.
If somebody cuts you off intraffic and instantly your body
(11:38):
shoots up into anger, if you letthat anger spill out with
yelling, honking, tailgating,now you're known as somebody who
has road rage, but if your goalis not to act from that surge,
you have to start with allowingthat anger, recognizing it, and
choosing not to act from it.
(11:59):
The emotion of anger itself doesnot come from the erratic
driver.
It comes from the thought yourbrain attached to their actions.
That is dangerous, that driversshouldn't drive like this, they
should care about other people.
Those thoughts about the driveris what generates anger in your
body.
So if you don't want to ridethat wave every time, the work
(12:21):
is to rewrite that thought, toshift the meaning.
Maybe they're in a hurry, maybeI don't have to join them in
their chaos.
Or their driving has nothing todo with my safety, because I'm
in control of my car.
When you change your thought,you literally change the
chemical response in your body.
Your nervous system can learn tostay even keel.
(12:43):
And this is what happens whenyou're feeling equanimity even
in your emotions.
So this was an example of asituation where you might be
experiencing heightened emotionswhen you don't need to, in which
case you can just change yourthoughts.
But then again, there aresituations that really do call
for heightened emotions, butjust not a heightened reaction.
(13:06):
One time somebody said somethingvery degrading to one of my
former employees.
She wanted me to just let it go.
And I knew in that moment thatletting it slide would send the
wrong message.
So I stood up for her.
I said directly to that person,This is not appropriate, you
don't talk to anybody like that.
And this colleague that had saidthis about my employee didn't
(13:28):
like that.
He pushed back and said, Well,she doesn't have a problem with
it, so why do you?
And I told him that she canrespond to her disrespect
however she wants, but I'mresponding to the disrespect of
my employee, and that's mychoice.
Now, did I feel anger?
Yes.
Did I feel frustration?
Absolutely.
But the difference is I didn'tlet those emotions hijack the
(13:51):
way I spoke.
If I had reacted straight out ofmy frustration, it would have
turned into a yelling match.
And to me, that's notprofessional and not productive.
If I had gone down the road ofreacting from my frustration, it
would not have accomplished mygoal, which was to protect my
employee and show her that shewas safe and respected in her
(14:14):
work environment the way Icreated it.
If I reacted from my anger, Imight have embarrassed her more
by creating a bigger scene andattractive more negative
attention.
So what I did was I held theemotion, but I chose my
delivery.
I kept calm in my tone.
I said clear words, I said itwith equanimity in my actions
(14:36):
and steadiness.
Even though inside I could feelthe burn.
That's what even keel in actionlooks like.
Not denying the frustration, butchanneling it in a way that
aligns with your values and itprotects the people that are
around you.
So I'm gonna make it verynuanced and very simple, because
this is exactly where yourchange is going to start.
(14:59):
The core distinction is evenkeel emotions that will
eventually happen, but is not agoal for you as a beginner.
You will and can still feel thehighs and the lows.
Right now being even keel inyour actions is the goal.
Choose steadiness, choose valuealigned behavior regardless of
(15:20):
the emotional waves.
And a lot of times slowing down,recalibrating, attuning to your
body is something that createsthe gap between emotions and
reactivity from them.
If you think your reaction isdisproportionate, you can
recalibrate.
Stay with your body, exhale,stay calm, label the emotion,
(15:42):
the annoyance, the anger,reframe.
Meaning you can change yourthoughts.
My value is safety, not scorekeeping.
I can think about the situationdifferently.
This will neutralize theemotion, then you can behave
accordingly as well.
Some of the self-talk lines thatI use that you can steal are I
(16:02):
don't outsource my nervoussystem to strangers.
While this is inconvenient, thisis not catastrophic.
I choose safety over story.
This is you choosing to trainyour nervous system to lower the
unnecessary amplitude.
You will still feel the things,but you don't let the feelings
run the show.
(16:24):
So path A moments are the latetext response or the spilled
Jews or the coworker's passiveaggressive emoji text.
Unknowing?
Yes.
Worth a dysregulated nervoussystem?
No.
So now we come to path B, whichis where you channel, where the
emotion is proportionate andpoints to a value of yours that
(16:47):
matters dignity, safety,justice.
The same applies where you holdthe heightened emotion in your
body and you stay calm andattuned to it.
You name the language thatcreated that emotion, meaning
that was very disrespectful.
He shouldn't have spoken likethat.
But your delivery based on thatheightened emotion is what
(17:08):
counts as behavior.
You create the pause between thefeeling and the action.
You can say things like if yourtone stays disrespectful like
that, I'm going to end themeeting now.
You can say you can address theissue, you don't have to attack
the other person.
What I'm getting at is that youkeep the energy of anger as
(17:28):
information, but you deliver itwith leadership, clear and
steady, focused on your values.
This is the true use ofbeginning of equanimity.
With some practice, it'll takeyou about ten seconds to
understand if your response wereproportionate or
disproportionate to a situation.
And it's really just a quickdecision check.
(17:49):
Is it about my safety, dignity,or core value?
If yes, then you take path B?
Is it my nervous system makingthe intensity bigger than the
impact is?
Is my nervous system heighteningmy response for reasons that are
not related to my safety or corevalues?
If yes, then take path A.
(18:10):
A very good question that helpsme determine this is I ask
myself, will this mattertomorrow?
Well, will I hold the sameintensity about this issue in
twenty four hours?
That usually helps me determineif I need to change the thoughts
about my situation or mythoughts are correct and I need
to respond with equanimity.
(18:31):
The reason we're doing all ofthis is because when your
behavior consistently lines upwith composure, your nervous
system will learn the newpattern.
Your urges are going to quietfaster, and your emotions are
going to become clearer to you.
Over time the inside will catchup with your outside.
Recalibration is at the level ofyour thinking, adjusting to
(18:55):
think properly.
This channeling works at thelevels of thinking and emotions,
meaning your thinking didn'tquite pass the checkpoint.
And this is where you're gonnagently redirect the language in
your mind to create aproportionate appropriate
response.
Then there's channeling, whereyou have a heightened response
(19:16):
in your thinking and in youremotions, and that is exactly
what's called for in thesituation, but you decide to act
calmly.
The skill is vigilance,understanding the difference
where you know where yourfrustration is speaking or your
higher self is speaking.
This is the gift of discernment.
I feel angry, but what's themost effective way for me to use
(19:38):
it here?
And this composure is going tokeep your higher brain intact
and it's going to allow you toact calmly.
When you practice this, when youconsistently pause, observe, and
choose, you build this muscle ofequanimity.
That's what makes you look calmand steady to the outside world,
(20:00):
and over time that's how youbecome on the inside as well.
With that I pray to AllahSubhanahu wa Ta'ala, O Allah,
grant me steadiness in my heart,clarity in my mind, and
composure in my actions.
Help me notice my emotionswithout being ruled by them, and
guide me to choose responsesthat reflect dignity, wisdom,
(20:22):
and patience.
Amin Yarbul Al Amin.
Please keep me in your daras, Iwill talk to you guys next time.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, Dr.
Tamil After.
SPEAKER_01 (00:15):
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
The topic of today's podcastcame out of a theme I hear over
and over again in my coachingsessions.
Women will come to me and say, Idon't want to be bothered by
every little thing.
I don't want to snap and thenjust sit there and regret how I
reacted.
And when I hear this in mycoaching sessions, the word that
(00:36):
comes to mind is equanimity.
How to stay unruffled, how tostay composed.
And equanimity happens to be oneof my favorite words these days.
And these are women that areasking the same thing coming
from different stages in life,different ages, different
careers, different familysituations.
And all of it goes to tell mesomething important, that it's
(00:57):
not just a me problem or a youproblem, it's a human problem.
Muslim women are struggling withthis, so I figured I'll make a
podcast out of it.
The consensus is what you'rereally craving is equanimity,
that steady, even keel statewhere no matter what's happening
around you, you remain composed.
(01:18):
Either kids fighting or husbandforgetting to do that one thing
or co-worker being rude, youstill stay steady, not flat or
numb, not heightened orreactive, but steady.
Here, with equanimity, whatMuslim women are asking for is
to get off the emotional rollercoaster or reactivity to every
(01:39):
bump in the road.
You don't want to feel hijackedby your anger one minute, your
anxiety the next, and then yourguilt about having anger and
anxiety.
What you want to do is that youwant to be balanced.
You want to be the kind of womanwho carries herself with calm
and steadiness, and there'scomposure, especially in the
(01:59):
middle of chaos.
And this desire of calmnessmight come off as weakness, but
it's actually this strength.
And it's not detachment either.
This concept of equanimity meansthat you value your own peace
enough not to hand it over toevery small annoyance in your
life.
And I'll tell you something, Ivalue that too.
(02:20):
I value that immensely becausethis is something I had to
actively grow into.
It didn't come naturally to me,and I definitely always wasn't
like this.
But if you're sitting therethinking, well, I don't know if
I can get there, trust me youwill, and you can if you want
to.
So when I say even keel, nonattached, I'm talking about
(02:43):
equanimity, which is a state ofemotional stability and balance.
And this state of feeling calmand composed comes with
practice.
In the beginning you might feelthe highs and lows, you might
not feel even keel in your body,but you don't have to react to
all of these emotions.
And this is what I'm going toexpand on in this podcast.
(03:05):
To achieve the consistency ofyour state of mind and the state
of your body, meaning trulyachieving equanimity, you have
to go through the process offeeling steady in your actions.
Because coming to a result of awell adjusted woman, this is the
journey you have to take.
If you want to walk in a roomwithout being on the edge,
(03:26):
without carrying the lastargument in your body, without
overthinking what happenedbefore, you want to be able to
respond with intention insteadof react out of habit.
I absolutely love cultivatingand growing that even keel
energy in my life.
And I slip every now and then,and that's okay.
(03:47):
It takes some inner work and alot of rewiring for some people,
and honestly a lot of humilityto admit that I want to grow in
this area.
So it's okay if you weren'thanded the perfect circumstances
and a perfect life.
We're gonna be talking aboutdeveloping the skill of
steadiness.
And while I'm gonna be talkingabout this in this podcast, I
(04:07):
invite you to join my coachingbecause that's all we talk about
and that's what we coach on.
And if you haven't joined sofar, what are you waiting for?
Like seriously, you have to doit.
It's absolutely life-changing.
And even when I share the toolslike I am in this podcast,
coaching has this way ofspeeding up your healing.
And I'm not talking about fasterresults, even though yes, you do
(04:30):
get faster results.
I'm talking about making thechanges that stick.
You're not just having a goodweek after getting coached and
falling back into the sametraps.
You're rewiring your brain sothe shift becomes permanent.
And that's the part I love aboutcoaching because while it's
about quick fixes, it's alsogoing to give you the kind of
(04:51):
internal stability that lasts.
So when you're facing thoseeveryday moments, a
disrespectful comment, a messyhouse, you're no longer
reacting, you're choosing.
And that choice is going to feelmuch lighter, much freer, much
more available instead of youbeing trapped in the cycle of
regret.
(05:12):
So what I want to start with isto tell you about you must have
heard composure that is about astate of emotions.
And yes, sure, that's what itis.
But what if initially you can'tget there?
But what if you do feel all ofyour high intensity emotions?
Does that mean that you'resentenced to having a
temperamental reaction toeverything?
(05:34):
It does not.
And the difference between beingeven keel in your emotions and
being even keel in your actionslies between you trusting your
emotional state and you actingfrom it, versus you creating a
break in your emotional stateand your actions.
And this is where most of us gettripped up.
(05:54):
On this journey of equanimity,you were probably told that if
you could just stay calm, if youcould just feel calm, if you can
flatten your emotions, then yourbehavior would automatically
follow.
You'd be steady, composed,unbothered.
But initially that's not how itworks.
Your thoughts create youremotions, and the emotions is
(06:16):
what creates actions.
Which means it is a possibilitythat you'll feel high and low of
the emotions as a part of beinghuman.
You can't and you shouldn't tryto erase that spectrum, but you
don't need to suppress youremotions to show up as steady.
What matters is what you do withthose emotions, if you qualify
(06:38):
them as justifiable andprofitable in a given situation,
or if you disqualify aheightened emotion if that's not
what the situation calls for,and it calls for you to stay
calm.
Practicing equanimity in yourbehavior doesn't require for you
to stop feeling, requires foryou to stop reacting from the
(06:59):
feeling.
And this is the biggestdifference in the beginning.
You're not aiming for numbnessand flatness, you're aiming for
choice in what emotions to actfrom.
You're aiming for self-command,for the ability to feel an
emotion fully and still decide,okay, how do I want to act right
(07:19):
now?
You're aiming to create a gapbetween your emotions and
choosing an action.
Being even keel in your behavioris something you can do right
now, immediately, and thisshould be the very first step
before you even try to masterbeing even keel in your
emotions.
And defining equanimity aspurely an emotional state, calm,
(07:42):
steady, balanced on the inside.
And yes, that's beautiful, thatmost likely is the perfect
definition, and eventually youwill get there, that's where
we're headed.
But practically speaking, thefaster, more manageable way to
get there is to start with youractions.
Think of it as a series ofintentional moves.
(08:03):
Your actions are something youchoose to take.
Just as importantly, there areactions you choose not to take,
all being in alignment with yourvalue of being composed.
And that's how you begintraining your nervous system.
For example, if you feel a heatof anger rising, but you don't
want to raise your voice, youcan feel that, but you don't
(08:26):
have to clap back with the sameenergy.
These are little behavioralchoices.
Pausing and softening your tonebefore reacting from the emotion
of anger.
Maybe it requires for you tostep away from the situation for
a time being.
Or maybe your choice is silence.
These are all like repetitionsat the gym.
(08:48):
You're trying to lift a weightthat you haven't lifted before.
Each time you practice, you'restrengthening your capacity to
create a gap between emotionsand reactivity.
You're aligning more and morewith equanimity, starting with
your actions.
So what will start to happen inthis case is when your behavior
is consistently lined up withcomposure, your emotions will
(09:11):
eventually follow.
Your mind will learn a newpattern.
And instead of spiraling intoregret after a reaction, your
mind will start to associatechallenging emotions with
steadiness, with strength, withdignity, with composure.
And that's what will eventuallylead to an inner calm state.
(09:31):
Equanimity in your emotions.
This is when you're gonna startto settle in your nervous system
more calmly.
So I don't believe there is asingle person in the entire
world who doesn't feel emotions.
Even though sometimes you'retold or even believe that you
don't feel your emotions.
What really happens is somepeople get very skilled at
(09:53):
masking their emotions ordiverting them into something
else.
But everyone, every single oneof you feels the full spectrum,
the highs, the lows, the peaks,and the shallows.
So if your goal is to appeareven keel, and I personally feel
that is a very worthy goal, youdon't get there by shutting off
(10:14):
these highs and lows.
You don't get there throughnumbness.
You get there by recognizing theemotions that are going to rise
and fall and then choosing notto react to every single one of
them.
So for example, if somebodyspeaks to you disrespectfully,
that's going to stir up a highenergy emotion, maybe anger,
(10:34):
frustration, maybe indignation,and that's normal.
But feeling that emotion doesn'tmean that you have to speak it.
You don't have to retaliate orlet the emotion be the driver of
your behavior.
Living with equanimity does notmean you don't feel.
It just means you're not lettingevery feeling dictate your next
(10:54):
move.
The true evenness starts to showup in your behavior first, not
in the absence of emotionalexperience.
Because there are somesituations that are going to
call for heightened emotions,positive or negative.
There's joy, love, awe.
There are situations thatdeserve all of that full
(11:15):
intensity.
There are situations that aregoing to call for anger and
grief, and those emotions willvisit you too.
But you still get to decide, doI let this emotion run the show
or do I choose to stay steadyand choose how I act?
And this is where the power ofcomposure lives.
If somebody cuts you off intraffic and instantly your body
(11:38):
shoots up into anger, if you letthat anger spill out with
yelling, honking, tailgating,now you're known as somebody who
has road rage, but if your goalis not to act from that surge,
you have to start with allowingthat anger, recognizing it, and
choosing not to act from it.
(11:59):
The emotion of anger itself doesnot come from the erratic
driver.
It comes from the thought yourbrain attached to their actions.
That is dangerous, that driversshouldn't drive like this, they
should care about other people.
Those thoughts about the driveris what generates anger in your
body.
So if you don't want to ridethat wave every time, the work
(12:21):
is to rewrite that thought, toshift the meaning.
Maybe they're in a hurry, maybeI don't have to join them in
their chaos.
Or their driving has nothing todo with my safety, because I'm
in control of my car.
When you change your thought,you literally change the
chemical response in your body.
Your nervous system can learn tostay even keel.
(12:43):
And this is what happens whenyou're feeling equanimity even
in your emotions.
So this was an example of asituation where you might be
experiencing heightened emotionswhen you don't need to, in which
case you can just change yourthoughts.
But then again, there aresituations that really do call
for heightened emotions, butjust not a heightened reaction.
(13:06):
One time somebody said somethingvery degrading to one of my
former employees.
She wanted me to just let it go.
And I knew in that moment thatletting it slide would send the
wrong message.
So I stood up for her.
I said directly to that person,This is not appropriate, you
don't talk to anybody like that.
And this colleague that had saidthis about my employee didn't
(13:28):
like that.
He pushed back and said, Well,she doesn't have a problem with
it, so why do you?
And I told him that she canrespond to her disrespect
however she wants, but I'mresponding to the disrespect of
my employee, and that's mychoice.
Now, did I feel anger?
Yes.
Did I feel frustration?
Absolutely.
But the difference is I didn'tlet those emotions hijack the
(13:51):
way I spoke.
If I had reacted straight out ofmy frustration, it would have
turned into a yelling match.
And to me, that's notprofessional and not productive.
If I had gone down the road ofreacting from my frustration, it
would not have accomplished mygoal, which was to protect my
employee and show her that shewas safe and respected in her
(14:14):
work environment the way Icreated it.
If I reacted from my anger, Imight have embarrassed her more
by creating a bigger scene andattractive more negative
attention.
So what I did was I held theemotion, but I chose my
delivery.
I kept calm in my tone.
I said clear words, I said itwith equanimity in my actions
(14:36):
and steadiness.
Even though inside I could feelthe burn.
That's what even keel in actionlooks like.
Not denying the frustration, butchanneling it in a way that
aligns with your values and itprotects the people that are
around you.
So I'm gonna make it verynuanced and very simple, because
this is exactly where yourchange is going to start.
(14:59):
The core distinction is evenkeel emotions that will
eventually happen, but is not agoal for you as a beginner.
You will and can still feel thehighs and the lows.
Right now being even keel inyour actions is the goal.
Choose steadiness, choose valuealigned behavior regardless of
(15:20):
the emotional waves.
And a lot of times slowing down,recalibrating, attuning to your
body is something that createsthe gap between emotions and
reactivity from them.
If you think your reaction isdisproportionate, you can
recalibrate.
Stay with your body, exhale,stay calm, label the emotion,
(15:42):
the annoyance, the anger,reframe.
Meaning you can change yourthoughts.
My value is safety, not scorekeeping.
I can think about the situationdifferently.
This will neutralize theemotion, then you can behave
accordingly as well.
Some of the self-talk lines thatI use that you can steal are I
(16:02):
don't outsource my nervoussystem to strangers.
While this is inconvenient, thisis not catastrophic.
I choose safety over story.
This is you choosing to trainyour nervous system to lower the
unnecessary amplitude.
You will still feel the things,but you don't let the feelings
run the show.
(16:24):
So path A moments are the latetext response or the spilled
Jews or the coworker's passiveaggressive emoji text.
Unknowing?
Yes.
Worth a dysregulated nervoussystem?
No.
So now we come to path B, whichis where you channel, where the
emotion is proportionate andpoints to a value of yours that
(16:47):
matters dignity, safety,justice.
The same applies where you holdthe heightened emotion in your
body and you stay calm andattuned to it.
You name the language thatcreated that emotion, meaning
that was very disrespectful.
He shouldn't have spoken likethat.
But your delivery based on thatheightened emotion is what
(17:08):
counts as behavior.
You create the pause between thefeeling and the action.
You can say things like if yourtone stays disrespectful like
that, I'm going to end themeeting now.
You can say you can address theissue, you don't have to attack
the other person.
What I'm getting at is that youkeep the energy of anger as
(17:28):
information, but you deliver itwith leadership, clear and
steady, focused on your values.
This is the true use ofbeginning of equanimity.
With some practice, it'll takeyou about ten seconds to
understand if your response wereproportionate or
disproportionate to a situation.
And it's really just a quickdecision check.
(17:49):
Is it about my safety, dignity,or core value?
If yes, then you take path B?
Is it my nervous system makingthe intensity bigger than the
impact is?
Is my nervous system heighteningmy response for reasons that are
not related to my safety or corevalues?
If yes, then take path A.
(18:10):
A very good question that helpsme determine this is I ask
myself, will this mattertomorrow?
Well, will I hold the sameintensity about this issue in
twenty four hours?
That usually helps me determineif I need to change the thoughts
about my situation or mythoughts are correct and I need
to respond with equanimity.
(18:31):
The reason we're doing all ofthis is because when your
behavior consistently lines upwith composure, your nervous
system will learn the newpattern.
Your urges are going to quietfaster, and your emotions are
going to become clearer to you.
Over time the inside will catchup with your outside.
Recalibration is at the level ofyour thinking, adjusting to
(18:55):
think properly.
This channeling works at thelevels of thinking and emotions,
meaning your thinking didn'tquite pass the checkpoint.
And this is where you're gonnagently redirect the language in
your mind to create aproportionate appropriate
response.
Then there's channeling, whereyou have a heightened response
(19:16):
in your thinking and in youremotions, and that is exactly
what's called for in thesituation, but you decide to act
calmly.
The skill is vigilance,understanding the difference
where you know where yourfrustration is speaking or your
higher self is speaking.
This is the gift of discernment.
I feel angry, but what's themost effective way for me to use
(19:38):
it here?
And this composure is going tokeep your higher brain intact
and it's going to allow you toact calmly.
When you practice this, when youconsistently pause, observe, and
choose, you build this muscle ofequanimity.
That's what makes you look calmand steady to the outside world,
(20:00):
and over time that's how youbecome on the inside as well.
With that I pray to AllahSubhanahu wa Ta'ala, O Allah,
grant me steadiness in my heart,clarity in my mind, and
composure in my actions.
Help me notice my emotionswithout being ruled by them, and
guide me to choose responsesthat reflect dignity, wisdom,
(20:22):
and patience.
Amin Yarbul Al Amin.
Please keep me in your daras, Iwill talk to you guys next time.
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