Life's Curriculum

Have you ever considered that what was missing from your childhood might be the key to your healing journey? This episode explores the powerful concept of your "invisible life curriculum"  the lessons we absorb not through what was present in our upbringing, but through what was absent.

I share a transformative three-step process to help you identify patterns, connect them to what was missing in your past, and begin the healing work of self-parenting. Whether you struggle with setting boundaries, expressing emotions, resting without guilt, or communicating during conflict, these challenges point to specific gaps in your emotional education that you can now fill as an adult.

 Your journey to emotional health begins with awareness – and this episode is your first step.

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Wisdom Wednesdays is your chance to apply what you learn in this podcast. It is my weekly coaching program that will create real time change based on everything you learn here. 

https://www.islamiclifecoachschool.com/wisdom-wednesdays

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
I hope you guys are ready tolearn something, because today
we're going to be talking aboutcurriculums, and not the one
that you learn in university orschool, but your life's

(00:26):
curriculum.
I heard something powerful theother day, and it was just one
sentence and honestly I can'teven remember the exact sentence
or the context, but the messagewas so powerful that it stuck
with me, or at least the essenceof the message stuck with me,
and that was that the past onlyadds to your growth if you're
able to reframe it, meaning yourdifficult past might always

(00:47):
weigh you down unless you'reable to think differently about
it, and that differently doesnot have to go from I had a
tough childhood to I had thebest childhood, or going from I
had a horrible past to I had itbest.
When I talk about reframing thepast, that's what usually comes
up for clients, because at thedefault setting, the brain only

(01:08):
offers black and white, theextremes of a possibility.
It was the worst and I meant tomake it the best.
But when I talk about reframing, what I mean is you have to
find meaning somewhere inbetween.
You have to look for the grayarea.
It makes a huge differencewhere you can see what was
missing in your past rather thanwhat was present.

(01:29):
So this invisible lifecurriculum elaborates on how
children absorbs lessons notjust through what's said or done
to them, but also through whatwas absent in their life.
So examples like if no one saidI'm proud of you without an
award attached, you may still bechasing achievements just to
feel love and belonging.

(01:50):
If you always saw the adults inyour life fight a lot and you
had a lot of examples ofunhealthy conflict and you were
missing all of the examples ofhealthy conflict resolution,
then how would you ever know howto do that?
So if your past only works inyour favor, if you're able to
reframe it and not only reframeit but you see the gray area in

(02:11):
it and for recognizing that grayarea you have to see what was
missing in your past so that youcan give it to yourself as an
adult then it only makes sensefor me to give you a framework
on how to do that exactly.
So this is what this podcast isabout.
So step number one in this wholeprocess is that you name the
pattern.
What do you struggle with now?

(02:33):
Find out, name it, label it.
Step two you spot it in yourpast where you think it was
missing, where it wasn't modeled, where you weren't validated,
where your feelings weren'tallowed.
Step three is that you give itto yourself now.
Learn it, get coaching on it,obtain it from self-help books.

(02:54):
How you're going to choose topractice that today, that's step
three.
So, for example, if you don'tknow how to ask for help, that's
your pattern.
That's step one.
Then step two is you're goingto try and identify where in the
past it wasn't modeled for you,where you were never taught to
ask for help with dignity, andthen you're going to start to

(03:14):
practice it for yourself.
That's a self-parentingphenomena.
You start by practicing smallasks and letting people say yes
or no without making it meananything about yourself.
And this absolutely has tohappen for you to not perpetuate
generational trauma.
For you to break that link, youhave to change your
relationship with the past.

(03:34):
You have to see it in a waythat provides you healing.
Well, you don't have to, butyou might want to, because
that's what studies show is mosthelpful.
Otherwise, you'll be stuck inblaming the world, the marriage,
the economy, your diagnosis,your in-laws, your children or
your business.
And the worst part is you'renot going to know that you're
stuck in blaming these things.

(03:56):
You're not going to know thatyou're in a victim mentality.
And if you're unaware of thisvictim mentality, then chances
are that you're not looking forsolutions because you're unaware
of the problem to begin with,and that you're not going to be
listening to this podcast andyou're just existing in your
victimhood like it's some sortof unchangeable reality.
But for those of you where thisvictimhood is present and

(04:18):
you're aware of it withoutself-blame, this podcast will
serve as the healthiestlaunchpad for change.
Generational emotionaldeprivation, especially in the
absence of healthy emotionalmodeling, and the resulting
unlearning of the healthypatterns.
All of this is your curriculum.
This means that you get torelearn as an adult and you must

(04:42):
face this reality to becomeemotionally healthy.
When you were never taught howto set healthy boundaries as a
child or resting without guiltor trust your intuition, then
this is your curriculum as anadult to learn for yourself the
cost of never having had a modeland the radical possibility of
becoming that model.

(05:02):
Now, the difference betweenthese two possibilities is your
ability to learn.
Is your ability to learn?
If you're at a point in yourlife where you have an awareness
that you're unable to holdboundaries, you might have seen
modeled that the only way toexist as a woman is to be a
doormat.
Then, instead of blaming thatpast, see that it was missing.

(05:23):
Just acknowledge it and beaware of it.
What was missing is yourcurriculum.
Now you get to learn holdinghealthy boundaries, with respect
.
If the only resolution you eversaw was silence and cold
treatment, then you will notmagically know how to resolve
conflict calmly or withcommunication.
And instead of blaming thatpast, notice what was missing

(05:47):
and give yourself that education.
If you only received love whenyou were achieving, then of
course, slowing down does notfeel like rest.
It feels like there's somethingmissing, like you're doing
something wrong.
Through all of these events inthe past, you learned that your
value was tied to yourproductivity, that love had to
be earned, that your presencehad to be justified with

(06:08):
performance.
So even when your body begs forrest, your mind kicks in with
guilt.
When you recognize this pattern, you will know now that your
past only works in your favor ifyou're willing to reframe it.
And just like I said before,reframing is not about just
positive thinking.
It is also to see the gray inbetween, find out the hidden

(06:30):
message.
Work now is not to blame.
It's to name what was missing,because until you see what you
didn't get, you will not knowhow to give it to yourself.
If you didn't get love just forbeing, that's the missing piece
.
As an adult, that's what youget to give to yourself and to
reclaim it.
You get to create safety instillness.

(06:51):
You get to learn that rest isnot a risk.
Similarly, if there was nohealthy modeling of how to
express your emotions, you willnot know how to direct your
anger in a productive way.
If you were raised to believethat speaking up leads to
punishment when emotions weremet with eye rolls or lectures,

(07:12):
it makes sense that yousecond-guess every feeling that
rises up in you as an adult.
Now, if no one ever apologizedto you and actually meant it,
how would you be able torecognize what real repair looks
like?
If growing up peace meantpretending nothing was wrong, of
course any kind of discomfortis going to feel dangerous now.

(07:33):
All of these point to yourinvisible emotional life
curriculum.
What you learned?
Not through words, but throughwhat was absent Silence or
escapism instead of resolution,criticism instead of comfort,
celebration of achievementinstead of unconditional love,
self-abandonment instead ofboundaries.

(07:54):
You might freeze or fawn in aconflict, not because you're
weak or it's a personalitydefect, but because disagreement
in your past always came with acost.
This is your curriculum, whenyou had to guess what mood the
room was in, just to stay safe.
Asking directly now probablydoesn't feel natural.
That does not mean that youhave poor communication skills.

(08:16):
That just means that you needto relearn them.
If people around you fought,stormed off and never repaired,
then how would you know thatintimacy grows from relationship
ruptures?
What you always saw modeled wasthat the goal was to win an
argument, not to understand eachother.
It only makes sense thatlistening now feels like a

(08:37):
surrender.
That does not mean that youwere born to be a bad listener.
So use your past to create acurriculum and not blame
yourself.
Through the process, talk moreand more about your own healing
and reparenting yourself as anadult.
You're not erasing your past,you're just updating this
blueprint.
You can say things like Isoothe myself after conflict now

(09:00):
because I never saw peacefulrepair growing up, or I can
never rest without guilt becauseI was only praised for my
productivity.
If these are the realities foryou, talk and practice more
about this healing andreparenting yourself as an adult
.
Normalize the gray space, themissing links that you're
learning about, about your past.

(09:21):
So the three-step process, torecap all of that is number one
you name the pattern.
What is it that you'restruggling with now?
Number two spot where it wasmissing in your past.
It wasn't modeled, it wasn'tvalidated, it wasn't shown to
you and it wasn't taught.
Number three is you give it toyourself now, through some means
or another, without self-blame,because blame is what keeps

(09:45):
your nervous system on alert,looking for someone to punish
and more often than not, you'repunishing yourself.
Reframing will shift you into asolution mode where the nervous
system heals and softens, andthis curriculum is exceptionally
unique to each and every one ofyou, because legacy is not just
about what you leave behind.
It's more about what you stopfrom passing down.

(10:09):
Reframing your difficult pastonly adds to your success in
this world and the afterlife.
Your motivation to reframe yourpast, to create your healing
now, is going to be a powerfulmotivator for you to discover
this invisible life curriculum.
When you do it with a coach, ithappens much faster.
You can do it with yourself,but it's a slow and tedious

(10:32):
process and there are a lot ofmistakes that people make, which
is not a bad thing in itself ifthat's what you choose to do,
but with a coach it's a lotfaster and easier.
With that, I pray to Allah,subhanahu wa ta'ala.
Ya Allah, help me see my pastwith compassion.
Show me what was missing so Ican grow.
Grant me the wisdom to reframeand the strength to repair.

(10:55):
You are the one who sees whatno one else sees.
Let the invisible of the pastbe visible to me now, so I can
heal.
For the sake of this ummah, forthe sake of myself, ya Allah,
teach me how to nurture andparent myself.
Let this reparenting be an actof worship.
So I return to my fitrah.
Ameen, ya Rabbul A'lamin,please keep me in your duas.

(11:17):
I will talk to you guys nexttime.