March 11, 2025 • 20 mins
Microaggressions might seem small and insignificant in isolation, but they function as seeds of harm that, when left unchecked, will grow into deeper patterns of emotional distress and damaged relationships. This episode builds on our previous discussion by providing a comprehensive framework for identifying distinct categories of microaggressions that might be affecting your life.
The power of recognition cannot be overstated. When you develop awareness of these patterns, you begin to see where you've been allowing harm into your lives and relationships.
This episode offers specific examples within each category, from the invasive questioning so common in Muslim communities .
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Atar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Inshallah, this podcast findsyou in good spirits through this
Ramadan, and today we'recontinuing on the topic that we
(00:26):
picked up on last week and thathas to do with microaggressions.
Last time we talked about theimportance of recognition,
awareness.
Today we're going to talk aboutexact, specific examples to
help you recognize it better inreal time so you can create real
change.
Mostly, we're going to betalking about the categories of
(00:46):
microaggressions and where youusually find them in your life.
I'm going to label it for thatreason to the best of my ability
, so it's easy for you torecognize when it's actually
transpiring around you, and thenI'm going to give you examples.
Okay, so the first categorycould be around emotional
dismissal, where your emotionsand feelings are downplayed,
(01:08):
implying that you areoverreacting, too sensitive,
dramatic, or simply yourfeelings don't matter.
And in this case, you as aperson, if you're the victim of
this microaggression, will feelunheard, invalidated and in the
future you'll feel hesitant toexpress any emotions.
For example, you might be toldyou're too sensitive.
It was just a joke.
(01:29):
Why are you overreacting?
It's not a big deal.
How come you're tired?
You've been home all day.
Why don't you want to go outand do something?
It's not like you work reallyhard.
You've sat on a computer allday.
These are all examples ofdismissal of your emotional
experience.
You feel small and thatconnection with the relationship
starts to feel unsafe.
(01:49):
One of the very classic andvery common example of
microaggression.
Now, while I'm giving you ashort list of examples, this is
by no means all-inclusive, soyour responsibility here is to
find out, using these examples,where else you've been
emotionally dismissed in yourprofessional life, in your
spiritual life, in yourtransactional relationship or in
(02:12):
your family's relationships.
The next one I'm going to talkabout is your effort or
competence being undermined.
This type of microaggressionquestions your ability as a
person, minimizing your work ordismissing your contribution,
especially if it's traditionallyundervalued role like a
caregiving role or a creativework role.
(02:34):
Some examples can be.
I think you're overcomplicatingit.
Leave it to someone with moreexperience.
It must be nice.
You work part-time and stillcall it a career.
You've been home all day.
Why are you so tired?
What have you done so how thiswould land on you is you feel
like you need to constantly bedefending your worth and your
(02:55):
work, and then, over time, thistype of microaggression creates
exhaustion and self-doubt as aside note, but a very important
side note is, when I talk aboutthese microaggressions, the
possibility of them landing onyour nervous system.
This way is entirely your call,and all of these
microaggressions might behappening subconsciously around
(03:18):
you, to you.
But if, at any moment, youchoose not to believe another
person's opinion about you,you're welcome to do so, and I
do have to say that for mepersonally, that's the method
that works best and it is a veryeffective method.
But that does not mean that wedon't go on to recognize these
microaggressions, which isexactly what we're doing through
(03:39):
these podcast series.
Okay, so the next example couldbe on your appearance or your
choices, like comments on yourphysical appearance, weight,
skin color, clothing choice, andthen most of the time, they're
disguised as compliments orconcerns, but the impact these
compliments have is that theyfeed insecurity and shame and
(04:02):
guilt, especially if they'reframed as trying to be helpful.
So examples include wow, itlooks like you've gotten some
sun this weekend.
Now, if you're a person with afairer skin, this might not land
as a microaggression.
For you, this might actuallyfeel like a compliment, and of
course that's valid, also basedon your experience.
(04:23):
But for darker skinned peoplecoming from cultures where
there's a bias against that skincolor, this is not going to
land as a compliment.
This will land as amicroaggression.
Another example could be aboutyour weight, or somebody saying
you're strong for a woman, andall of this will make you feel
like you're strong for a womanand all of this will make you
feel like you're under amagnifying glass where your body
(04:46):
is constantly being evaluatedand judged.
The next example is aroundcultural and religious
manipulation, and in this case,religious teachings or
beneficial cultural practicesare taken out of context just to
control, criticize ormanipulate people, and some
(05:07):
examples could be Islam allowsme to take four wives, I'm just
reminding you.
A real woman wouldn't need helpwith her kids or examples like
it's just culture, it's notIslam that can be used to
dismiss your personal practice,and in cases like this, it will
feel like your faith is beingweaponized against you and it
(05:27):
creates fear and emotionalconfusion.
All are a result ofmicroaggressions.
The next category is aroundpublic undermining or critique,
where a form of microaggressionhappens in front of others and
it's disguised as humor or beinghonest, but it's very subtly
humiliating, like your husbandsaying to your children mom is
(05:52):
too soft on you just toundermine your effort.
Or somebody says at the dinnertable wow, your cooking has
improved since last time.
Notice how it's disguised as acompliment, but it might not
feel like that to you.
And an invite while I'm givingyou these specific examples, is
that I want you to notice how itfeels for you and validate that
(06:16):
experience.
Or some professional example issomebody says in a meeting that
let's hear from somebody withmore talent, or somebody who's
been at the job longer.
All of these can bemicroaggressions if they feel
embarrassing and belittlingtowards you, especially if it
catches you off guard and if youdon't have a chance to respond.
(06:39):
The next category is aroundcontrolling or dismissive
language.
Examples like just because Isaid no, trust me, I know what's
best for you.
Or this isn't up for discussion.
It leaves you feelingdisempowered.
It reinforces the idea thatyour voice and your perspective
does not matter.
It shuts down conversation,creates an imbalance of power in
(07:03):
relationships.
The next category I want tomention is judgment in a form of
concern which I've already kindof alluded to, but I want to
expand on this more.
These types of microaggressionssound like caring advice, but
they carry hidden judgment andthey aim to control or change
your behavior without directlystating it.
(07:25):
These types of microaggressionswill feel like somebody's
packaging a judgment in a boxlabeled love and concern.
The next category has to do withtokenizing or stereotyping, and
this is where somebodyhighlights your identity in a
way that makes you feel anoutsider or like a novelty,
(07:46):
because it reduces your fullhumanity to a single trait or a
stereotype.
And how it would often feel isit would leave you feel
objectified or seen through onedimension only.
Examples like you're soarticulate for somebody from
your background, you're veryarticulate for a black woman, or
(08:07):
I can't believe you're a Muslim.
You're so peaceful andfun-loving.
What that might feel like isyou're being put on display,
stripped of complexity andreduced to a stereotype.
The next category is comparison, and that's comparison
disguised as a praise.
(08:32):
Examples like you're so muchbetter at taking care of your
household than your sister.
Examples like this creates anotherness from you and the rest
of the population you're beingcompared to, creates division,
insecurity, makes you feel likeyou need to uphold an image that
doesn't necessarily reflect whoyou are.
It sounds complimentary on thesurface but carries a deeper
(08:57):
pain.
It reinforces for yoursubconscious mind that it's
normal to judge and create anunhealthy competition, because
these types of microaggressionsare using compliments at the
expense of another.
The next category is gaslighting, and this is a form of
manipulation that makes youdoubt your reality.
It makes you doubt your feeling, your experience, your emotions
.
It involves denying ordismissing your truth, leaves
(09:21):
you questioning yourself, leavesyou in self-doubt.
It erodes your confidence,emotional stability and
self-trust.
Examples like no, I never saidthat or that never happened.
You're remembering it wrong oryou're imagining things.
You're just being dramatic.
This is very disorienting,destabilizing.
(09:44):
It leaves you questioning yourown perception and your reality.
Classic of gaslighting.
The next one is conditionalsupport or love.
This is where someone'soffering support and love,
approval, but with stringsattached.
The message is I will respectyou if you meet my expectations,
and this creates an invisiblepressure, a fear of rejection,
(10:08):
and it limits an authenticself-expression.
The examples might be I'llrespect your work once it starts
to make more money.
I'll be more proud of you onceyou've taken care of the weight
problem.
I'll support your career, aslong as it doesn't affect your
home life.
How it lands for you is that itwill make you feel like you're
never enough.
(10:28):
You might be living with aconstant sense of anxiety.
If you're living under thistype of microaggression, you
will have a lot of performanceanxiety and pressure towards
performance.
And this type ofmicroaggression is especially
harmful to children that arelooking for unconditional
acceptance because that's howthey feel loved and connected.
(10:49):
That are looking forunconditional acceptance because
that's how they feel loved andconnected.
Next one is withholdingacknowledgement or validation,
and this type of microaggressionis about what isn't said or
done, like failing toacknowledge someone's effort,
not recognizing contribution orsomebody's success, and this can
be especially difficult tonotice because this is an error
(11:11):
or omission, recognizingsomething that never existed,
but some easy ways to recognizeit that it might leave you feel
unseen, undervalued or unworthy.
Examples like everyone in theoffice congratulated you for a
big achievement except for oneperson, or everyone else's
success got acknowledged, butyours.
(11:31):
The next category is one of mypersonal favorites is invasive
or personal questioning, and alot of times it's very common
for older aunties in ourcultures, especially since they
think that it's their form oflove and advice giving.
This category is all aboutintrusive questions about
(11:51):
personal matters that cross allsorts of boundaries, and again,
it's presented to you ascuriosity, but it's a form of
control and judgment For you.
It will create discomfort.
It will feel like someone'spoking around your personal life
, ignoring your right to privacy.
And examples like when are youhaving kids?
(12:12):
You've been married two years,you don't have any children yet.
Or if you're single, why aren'tyou married yet?
Or how much do you make?
Why do you work so little?
Why do you work so much?
Okay, so especially be mindfulof this level of invasive and
personal questioning, because itis extremely pervasive in
Muslim cultures.
(12:32):
And so is the next one, which isunsolidated advice, very, very
common as well.
Again, feels controlling,invalidating is usually followed
by invasive and personalquestioning, and it always
implies that the other personknows what's best for you.
It is a microaggression in away that it diminishes your
(12:53):
ability to make your owndecisions, but it won't land as
a microaggression if you arelooking for advice and wisdom.
If an advice leaves you feeldisempowered and it frustrates
you, then it was unsolicited.
If you're actually seekingadvice, then of course this is
not a form of microaggression.
(13:13):
Some examples that ring true tomothers is you should really
sleep, train your baby this way,or you should focus on being a
stay-at-home mom.
It's better for the kids.
Or if I was you, I would workthis many hours because family
should come first.
It will make you feel like yourchoices are under scrutiny and,
(13:33):
again, if you want to take someadvice into consideration, then
you're welcome to do that, butdon't accept the judgment that
comes with it.
The next category has to do withsarcasm or passive-aggressive
behavior.
This microaggressioncommunicates hostility
indirectly.
Examples like oh, you'refinally on time for once.
(13:54):
Oh, wow, look at who's in thekitchen tonight.
Impressive, or must be nice tohave time for self-care.
The rest of us are so busy.
A lot of times this isdisguised as humor, but it is
microaggression.
I think I've said a lot aboutthese verbal categories, but a
lot more can be said aboutnon-verbal behavior.
(14:18):
Around microaggressions.
That's like eye rolling orsighing or ignoring someone's
presence, implying that yourinput, your existence isn't
valuable.
You don't belong here.
Other nonverbal behaviors likeinterrupting or talking over
someone or excluding somebodyfrom your body language, or
(14:38):
smirking or smilingcondescendingly.
Other very powerful form ofmicroaggressions that are
nonverbal is withholdingphysical affection as a form of
punishment, or selectivelistening or closed off body
language.
Other very common nonverbalmicroaggressions include someone
(15:00):
excluding you from theirconversations, refusing to
acknowledge your effort, someoneelse looking at their phone
while you're speaking,exchanging glances or side looks
with someone else while you'respeaking to them and this might
happen at parties, because itusually does is not making space
for somebody to join a group,standing in a closed circle with
(15:23):
body language that makes itphysically difficult for you to
join them, or just closingchairs in around a table A very
subtle microaggression, but thenagain, all microaggressions are
subtle, which is why they'recalled that.
You will also noticemicroaggressions against
yourself as a woman in general,and again, I cannot include all
(15:45):
of it, but I do offer you thesecategories in hopes that it will
help you as a listener.
Inshallah, my hope is that youdevelop a sharper awareness and
begin to see patterns in yourdaily interaction.
But I also invite you to createmore refined awareness around
microaggressions in your lifespecifically, and I'll offer you
(16:08):
these questions Ask yourselfwhich of these categories show
up in your life, in yourmarriage, in your friendships,
in your spirituality, in yourprofessional life, and ask
yourself am I unintentionallyengaging in these behaviors.
I do have a future podcastdedicated to this question
specifically, but until then,just be aware of how
(16:31):
unintentionally you might beinvolved in these or ask
yourself the question where do Iexperience emotional dismissal?
We have two more podcasts lefton this topic, so I will
continue to offer you more andmore solutions, but until then,
I want you to recognize thesequestions and the categories
I've offered you in your life.
(16:53):
If you are allowing these small,subtle forms of harm in your
relationships, you'reunknowingly creating space for
something bigger to grow.
You're unknowingly creatingspace for something bigger to
grow, because thesemicroaggressions, like I've
already told you, are seeds.
When they are left unchecked,they grow into bigger and deeper
patterns of emotional harm.
And this is not about blamingyou for letting happen whatever
(17:17):
happened so far.
It's about giving you awarenessand tools to gently close the
door on behavior that does notserve you.
So abuse, whether it's subtleor overt, has nowhere to land.
You have the power to shift thislovingly and assertively, and
these shifts start with verysmall comments.
(17:38):
No, that's okay, I don't needyour help.
No, that's okay, I don't needthis advice.
If you pause to breathe beforeresponding, an honest
conversation about how a commentaffected.
You will absolutely belife-changing, because these
moments become your shield, notin a defensive way, but in a way
that honors your worth, andthen, over time, a cumulative
(18:01):
effect of these small shiftswill be that the space around
you will be filled with respect.
You'll find yourself inrelationships that have
connection, respect, kindness,where there's no harm being done
.
By becoming aware of thesepatterns, you start to see where
you've been allowing harm inyour life, where you've
(18:24):
tolerated small insults, ormaybe even where you've engaged
in microaggressions yourselfwithout realizing it.
This is not about guilt aboutthe past or about your behavior.
It's about breaking the cycle,and awareness alone might not be
enough.
The next step that we're goingto talk about in part 3 is
(18:44):
learning how to call thesemicroaggressions out with
clarity and confidence withoutlosing your emotional balance.
Inshallah, with that I pray toAllah.
Subhanahu wa ta'ala.
O Allah, you're the mostforgiving, the most loving.
Help me and all of us turninwards with kindness and
curiosity.
Grant us the courage to see ourmistakes and the grace to
(19:07):
correct them with love.
Ya Allah, let us stand firm inthe belief that your mercy is
greater than any flaw that I oranyone else has.
Teach me and all of us toaccept ourselves fully, just as
you have created us.
Fill our hearts with compassion, allow us to recognize these
(19:28):
microaggressions around us thatare directed towards us.
Help us protect against them,with a firm understanding of our
worth and remembering theself-compassion that you've
placed in all of us through yourmercy alone.
Please keep me in your doors.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Atar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Inshallah, this podcast findsyou in good spirits through this
Ramadan, and today we'recontinuing on the topic that we
(00:26):
picked up on last week and thathas to do with microaggressions.
Last time we talked about theimportance of recognition,
awareness.
Today we're going to talk aboutexact, specific examples to
help you recognize it better inreal time so you can create real
change.
Mostly, we're going to betalking about the categories of
(00:46):
microaggressions and where youusually find them in your life.
I'm going to label it for thatreason to the best of my ability
, so it's easy for you torecognize when it's actually
transpiring around you, and thenI'm going to give you examples.
Okay, so the first categorycould be around emotional
dismissal, where your emotionsand feelings are downplayed,
(01:08):
implying that you areoverreacting, too sensitive,
dramatic, or simply yourfeelings don't matter.
And in this case, you as aperson, if you're the victim of
this microaggression, will feelunheard, invalidated and in the
future you'll feel hesitant toexpress any emotions.
For example, you might be toldyou're too sensitive.
It was just a joke.
(01:29):
Why are you overreacting?
It's not a big deal.
How come you're tired?
You've been home all day.
Why don't you want to go outand do something?
It's not like you work reallyhard.
You've sat on a computer allday.
These are all examples ofdismissal of your emotional
experience.
You feel small and thatconnection with the relationship
starts to feel unsafe.
(01:49):
One of the very classic andvery common example of
microaggression.
Now, while I'm giving you ashort list of examples, this is
by no means all-inclusive, soyour responsibility here is to
find out, using these examples,where else you've been
emotionally dismissed in yourprofessional life, in your
spiritual life, in yourtransactional relationship or in
(02:12):
your family's relationships.
The next one I'm going to talkabout is your effort or
competence being undermined.
This type of microaggressionquestions your ability as a
person, minimizing your work ordismissing your contribution,
especially if it's traditionallyundervalued role like a
caregiving role or a creativework role.
(02:34):
Some examples can be.
I think you're overcomplicatingit.
Leave it to someone with moreexperience.
It must be nice.
You work part-time and stillcall it a career.
You've been home all day.
Why are you so tired?
What have you done so how thiswould land on you is you feel
like you need to constantly bedefending your worth and your
(02:55):
work, and then, over time, thistype of microaggression creates
exhaustion and self-doubt as aside note, but a very important
side note is, when I talk aboutthese microaggressions, the
possibility of them landing onyour nervous system.
This way is entirely your call,and all of these
microaggressions might behappening subconsciously around
(03:18):
you, to you.
But if, at any moment, youchoose not to believe another
person's opinion about you,you're welcome to do so, and I
do have to say that for mepersonally, that's the method
that works best and it is a veryeffective method.
But that does not mean that wedon't go on to recognize these
microaggressions, which isexactly what we're doing through
(03:39):
these podcast series.
Okay, so the next example couldbe on your appearance or your
choices, like comments on yourphysical appearance, weight,
skin color, clothing choice, andthen most of the time, they're
disguised as compliments orconcerns, but the impact these
compliments have is that theyfeed insecurity and shame and
(04:02):
guilt, especially if they'reframed as trying to be helpful.
So examples include wow, itlooks like you've gotten some
sun this weekend.
Now, if you're a person with afairer skin, this might not land
as a microaggression.
For you, this might actuallyfeel like a compliment, and of
course that's valid, also basedon your experience.
(04:23):
But for darker skinned peoplecoming from cultures where
there's a bias against that skincolor, this is not going to
land as a compliment.
This will land as amicroaggression.
Another example could be aboutyour weight, or somebody saying
you're strong for a woman, andall of this will make you feel
like you're strong for a womanand all of this will make you
feel like you're under amagnifying glass where your body
(04:46):
is constantly being evaluatedand judged.
The next example is aroundcultural and religious
manipulation, and in this case,religious teachings or
beneficial cultural practicesare taken out of context just to
control, criticize ormanipulate people, and some
(05:07):
examples could be Islam allowsme to take four wives, I'm just
reminding you.
A real woman wouldn't need helpwith her kids or examples like
it's just culture, it's notIslam that can be used to
dismiss your personal practice,and in cases like this, it will
feel like your faith is beingweaponized against you and it
(05:27):
creates fear and emotionalconfusion.
All are a result ofmicroaggressions.
The next category is aroundpublic undermining or critique,
where a form of microaggressionhappens in front of others and
it's disguised as humor or beinghonest, but it's very subtly
humiliating, like your husbandsaying to your children mom is
(05:52):
too soft on you just toundermine your effort.
Or somebody says at the dinnertable wow, your cooking has
improved since last time.
Notice how it's disguised as acompliment, but it might not
feel like that to you.
And an invite while I'm givingyou these specific examples, is
that I want you to notice how itfeels for you and validate that
(06:16):
experience.
Or some professional example issomebody says in a meeting that
let's hear from somebody withmore talent, or somebody who's
been at the job longer.
All of these can bemicroaggressions if they feel
embarrassing and belittlingtowards you, especially if it
catches you off guard and if youdon't have a chance to respond.
(06:39):
The next category is aroundcontrolling or dismissive
language.
Examples like just because Isaid no, trust me, I know what's
best for you.
Or this isn't up for discussion.
It leaves you feelingdisempowered.
It reinforces the idea thatyour voice and your perspective
does not matter.
It shuts down conversation,creates an imbalance of power in
(07:03):
relationships.
The next category I want tomention is judgment in a form of
concern which I've already kindof alluded to, but I want to
expand on this more.
These types of microaggressionssound like caring advice, but
they carry hidden judgment andthey aim to control or change
your behavior without directlystating it.
(07:25):
These types of microaggressionswill feel like somebody's
packaging a judgment in a boxlabeled love and concern.
The next category has to do withtokenizing or stereotyping, and
this is where somebodyhighlights your identity in a
way that makes you feel anoutsider or like a novelty,
(07:46):
because it reduces your fullhumanity to a single trait or a
stereotype.
And how it would often feel isit would leave you feel
objectified or seen through onedimension only.
Examples like you're soarticulate for somebody from
your background, you're veryarticulate for a black woman, or
(08:07):
I can't believe you're a Muslim.
You're so peaceful andfun-loving.
What that might feel like isyou're being put on display,
stripped of complexity andreduced to a stereotype.
The next category is comparison, and that's comparison
disguised as a praise.
(08:32):
Examples like you're so muchbetter at taking care of your
household than your sister.
Examples like this creates anotherness from you and the rest
of the population you're beingcompared to, creates division,
insecurity, makes you feel likeyou need to uphold an image that
doesn't necessarily reflect whoyou are.
It sounds complimentary on thesurface but carries a deeper
(08:57):
pain.
It reinforces for yoursubconscious mind that it's
normal to judge and create anunhealthy competition, because
these types of microaggressionsare using compliments at the
expense of another.
The next category is gaslighting, and this is a form of
manipulation that makes youdoubt your reality.
It makes you doubt your feeling, your experience, your emotions
.
It involves denying ordismissing your truth, leaves
(09:21):
you questioning yourself, leavesyou in self-doubt.
It erodes your confidence,emotional stability and
self-trust.
Examples like no, I never saidthat or that never happened.
You're remembering it wrong oryou're imagining things.
You're just being dramatic.
This is very disorienting,destabilizing.
(09:44):
It leaves you questioning yourown perception and your reality.
Classic of gaslighting.
The next one is conditionalsupport or love.
This is where someone'soffering support and love,
approval, but with stringsattached.
The message is I will respectyou if you meet my expectations,
and this creates an invisiblepressure, a fear of rejection,
(10:08):
and it limits an authenticself-expression.
The examples might be I'llrespect your work once it starts
to make more money.
I'll be more proud of you onceyou've taken care of the weight
problem.
I'll support your career, aslong as it doesn't affect your
home life.
How it lands for you is that itwill make you feel like you're
never enough.
(10:28):
You might be living with aconstant sense of anxiety.
If you're living under thistype of microaggression, you
will have a lot of performanceanxiety and pressure towards
performance.
And this type ofmicroaggression is especially
harmful to children that arelooking for unconditional
acceptance because that's howthey feel loved and connected.
(10:49):
That are looking forunconditional acceptance because
that's how they feel loved andconnected.
Next one is withholdingacknowledgement or validation,
and this type of microaggressionis about what isn't said or
done, like failing toacknowledge someone's effort,
not recognizing contribution orsomebody's success, and this can
be especially difficult tonotice because this is an error
(11:11):
or omission, recognizingsomething that never existed,
but some easy ways to recognizeit that it might leave you feel
unseen, undervalued or unworthy.
Examples like everyone in theoffice congratulated you for a
big achievement except for oneperson, or everyone else's
success got acknowledged, butyours.
(11:31):
The next category is one of mypersonal favorites is invasive
or personal questioning, and alot of times it's very common
for older aunties in ourcultures, especially since they
think that it's their form oflove and advice giving.
This category is all aboutintrusive questions about
(11:51):
personal matters that cross allsorts of boundaries, and again,
it's presented to you ascuriosity, but it's a form of
control and judgment For you.
It will create discomfort.
It will feel like someone'spoking around your personal life
, ignoring your right to privacy.
And examples like when are youhaving kids?
(12:12):
You've been married two years,you don't have any children yet.
Or if you're single, why aren'tyou married yet?
Or how much do you make?
Why do you work so little?
Why do you work so much?
Okay, so especially be mindfulof this level of invasive and
personal questioning, because itis extremely pervasive in
Muslim cultures.
(12:32):
And so is the next one, which isunsolidated advice, very, very
common as well.
Again, feels controlling,invalidating is usually followed
by invasive and personalquestioning, and it always
implies that the other personknows what's best for you.
It is a microaggression in away that it diminishes your
(12:53):
ability to make your owndecisions, but it won't land as
a microaggression if you arelooking for advice and wisdom.
If an advice leaves you feeldisempowered and it frustrates
you, then it was unsolicited.
If you're actually seekingadvice, then of course this is
not a form of microaggression.
(13:13):
Some examples that ring true tomothers is you should really
sleep, train your baby this way,or you should focus on being a
stay-at-home mom.
It's better for the kids.
Or if I was you, I would workthis many hours because family
should come first.
It will make you feel like yourchoices are under scrutiny and,
(13:33):
again, if you want to take someadvice into consideration, then
you're welcome to do that, butdon't accept the judgment that
comes with it.
The next category has to do withsarcasm or passive-aggressive
behavior.
This microaggressioncommunicates hostility
indirectly.
Examples like oh, you'refinally on time for once.
(13:54):
Oh, wow, look at who's in thekitchen tonight.
Impressive, or must be nice tohave time for self-care.
The rest of us are so busy.
A lot of times this isdisguised as humor, but it is
microaggression.
I think I've said a lot aboutthese verbal categories, but a
lot more can be said aboutnon-verbal behavior.
(14:18):
Around microaggressions.
That's like eye rolling orsighing or ignoring someone's
presence, implying that yourinput, your existence isn't
valuable.
You don't belong here.
Other nonverbal behaviors likeinterrupting or talking over
someone or excluding somebodyfrom your body language, or
(14:38):
smirking or smilingcondescendingly.
Other very powerful form ofmicroaggressions that are
nonverbal is withholdingphysical affection as a form of
punishment, or selectivelistening or closed off body
language.
Other very common nonverbalmicroaggressions include someone
(15:00):
excluding you from theirconversations, refusing to
acknowledge your effort, someoneelse looking at their phone
while you're speaking,exchanging glances or side looks
with someone else while you'respeaking to them and this might
happen at parties, because itusually does is not making space
for somebody to join a group,standing in a closed circle with
(15:23):
body language that makes itphysically difficult for you to
join them, or just closingchairs in around a table A very
subtle microaggression, but thenagain, all microaggressions are
subtle, which is why they'recalled that.
You will also noticemicroaggressions against
yourself as a woman in general,and again, I cannot include all
(15:45):
of it, but I do offer you thesecategories in hopes that it will
help you as a listener.
Inshallah, my hope is that youdevelop a sharper awareness and
begin to see patterns in yourdaily interaction.
But I also invite you to createmore refined awareness around
microaggressions in your lifespecifically, and I'll offer you
(16:08):
these questions Ask yourselfwhich of these categories show
up in your life, in yourmarriage, in your friendships,
in your spirituality, in yourprofessional life, and ask
yourself am I unintentionallyengaging in these behaviors.
I do have a future podcastdedicated to this question
specifically, but until then,just be aware of how
(16:31):
unintentionally you might beinvolved in these or ask
yourself the question where do Iexperience emotional dismissal?
We have two more podcasts lefton this topic, so I will
continue to offer you more andmore solutions, but until then,
I want you to recognize thesequestions and the categories
I've offered you in your life.
(16:53):
If you are allowing these small,subtle forms of harm in your
relationships, you'reunknowingly creating space for
something bigger to grow.
You're unknowingly creatingspace for something bigger to
grow, because thesemicroaggressions, like I've
already told you, are seeds.
When they are left unchecked,they grow into bigger and deeper
patterns of emotional harm.
And this is not about blamingyou for letting happen whatever
(17:17):
happened so far.
It's about giving you awarenessand tools to gently close the
door on behavior that does notserve you.
So abuse, whether it's subtleor overt, has nowhere to land.
You have the power to shift thislovingly and assertively, and
these shifts start with verysmall comments.
(17:38):
No, that's okay, I don't needyour help.
No, that's okay, I don't needthis advice.
If you pause to breathe beforeresponding, an honest
conversation about how a commentaffected.
You will absolutely belife-changing, because these
moments become your shield, notin a defensive way, but in a way
that honors your worth, andthen, over time, a cumulative
(18:01):
effect of these small shiftswill be that the space around
you will be filled with respect.
You'll find yourself inrelationships that have
connection, respect, kindness,where there's no harm being done
.
By becoming aware of thesepatterns, you start to see where
you've been allowing harm inyour life, where you've
(18:24):
tolerated small insults, ormaybe even where you've engaged
in microaggressions yourselfwithout realizing it.
This is not about guilt aboutthe past or about your behavior.
It's about breaking the cycle,and awareness alone might not be
enough.
The next step that we're goingto talk about in part 3 is
(18:44):
learning how to call thesemicroaggressions out with
clarity and confidence withoutlosing your emotional balance.
Inshallah, with that I pray toAllah.
Subhanahu wa ta'ala.
O Allah, you're the mostforgiving, the most loving.
Help me and all of us turninwards with kindness and
curiosity.
Grant us the courage to see ourmistakes and the grace to
(19:07):
correct them with love.
Ya Allah, let us stand firm inthe belief that your mercy is
greater than any flaw that I oranyone else has.
Teach me and all of us toaccept ourselves fully, just as
you have created us.
Fill our hearts with compassion, allow us to recognize these
(19:28):
microaggressions around us thatare directed towards us.
Help us protect against them,with a firm understanding of our
worth and remembering theself-compassion that you've
placed in all of us through yourmercy alone.
Please keep me in your doors.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
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