March 18, 2025 • 21 mins
Recognizing microaggressions is one thing—responding to them is another. In this episode, we break down the art of addressing microaggressions with assertiveness, wisdom, and emotional control. Whether you gently correct someone (call-in) or firmly set a boundary (call-out), the goal isn’t to prove a point—it’s to protect your peace.
The 3-Step Framework for Responding to Microaggressions:
Emotional Regulation – How to ground yourself before responding
Choosing Your Approach – The difference between calling in and calling out
Holding Your Ground – Maintaining dignity, self-respect, and clarity
Every response you give teaches people how to treat you. The way you hold yourself in these moments determines whether you stay in cycles of silent harm or step into self-respect and empowerment.
This isn’t easy work. You’ll have moments of doubt, but your voice matters, and your boundaries are valid. In this episode, we share real-life examples of firm yet compassionate responses and explore the balance between strength and empathy.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Alhamdulillah, this is partthree of the four-part series
about microaggressions, and weare well into our Ramadan
(00:26):
schedules.
Insha'allah, you guys arebenefiting from this blessed
month.
This episode, like every other,is about creating a change in
your life that benefits you, andevery change in your life
starts with a change in you.
And while that sounds beautifulin theory, it's not always
available to you in the moment.
And while that sounds beautifulin theory, it's not always
(00:47):
available to you in the moment.
You might be wiped out,physically and emotionally spent
, where your nervous system isin overdrive and you're
constantly managing crises, bigor small.
So the thought of lovinglyturning inwards and trying to
correct your ownmicroaggressions will feel like
asking for too much.
To correct your ownmicroaggressions will feel like
(01:07):
asking for too much, and that'sokay, because my next invitation
to you as a part of thispodcast is to turn inward, to
see where you are responsiblefor microaggressions towards
others and self-correct in themost gentle and self-loving way
If this process is not availableto you right now.
That's completely okay.
But this whole process alsoisn't linear.
It's not a checklist that'ssupposed to be completed in a
(01:28):
specific order.
If you're in survival modeafter a microaggression and you
responded with a microaggression, or you were the perpetrator of
it by mistake, being insurvival mode means that you're
not having the capability ofturning inwards and gently
correcting yourself.
That's not the right moment todo that.
So give yourself space and timeand come back to it later.
(01:50):
But do come back to it and findout where you might have been
responsible for microaggressions.
And I placed this topic as apart of this series here because
, in my own journey, this iswhere it naturally fell.
I started recognizingmicroaggressions around me and
during learning how to spot themcoming at me.
The next step was for me toturn inwards, and I noticed that
(02:14):
once I began looking at how Iwas contributing to this dynamic
especially looking withoutshame, without self-blame it
opened up a whole new layer ofgrowth and healing for me.
And that was my path, butyou're welcome to yours.
The reason I emphasize turninginwards and looking for where
you might be contributingtowards microaggressions,
(02:37):
towards others, is becausethrough this process, you
develop a solid foundation ofunconditional self-acceptance
and self-love.
You can't begin to gentlyaddress your own
microaggressions until youbelieve deep down in your bones
that you're still lovable evenwhen you fall short, and you
will fall short because you're ahuman.
(02:58):
The beauty of this work is thatit draws you into a more
compassionate relationship withyourself, a relationship that
reflects Allah's boundless mercyon you.
His mercy isn't abstract ordistant.
It's for you specifically andit's very near to you in every
(03:22):
messy, complicated part of yourjourney, even when you might
have been responsible formicroaggressions.
When you approach thisself-correction process with
love instead of judgment,everything shifts.
It stops being aboutself-criticism and becomes about
self-clarity.
And without thatself-acceptance, without that
(03:44):
gentle, honest love for yourself, you'll continue to disregard
microaggressions, both the onesyou give to the world and the
ones you receive.
You'll disregard them as it'snot a big deal.
That's not what happened.
But once you believe you'reworthy of living a life free of
harm, internally and externally,you'll realize that every
microaggression, no matter howsmall, matters.
(04:04):
And in yourself, it's notbecause you're aiming for
perfection, but because you'rechoosing to honor yourself at a
higher standard every day, andthis choice will transform
everything.
So in the beginning of thispodcast, I wanted to invite you
to turn inwards to create thechange, because once you become
aware of these dynamics, youwill have the opportunity to
(04:26):
change both yourself and yourrelationships.
You start by noticing your ownlanguage and reflecting on
whether your words uplift othersor harm.
If you catch yourself in amicroaggression, pause,
apologize, rephrase with moreintention and love, and if
apology to another person is notwarranted or you're too
(04:47):
dysregulated to provide it, thenjust internally apologize.
All of this is a part of agreater spiritual refinement
that Islam calls us to embody.
It's not surface-level exerciseabout being polite and avoiding
hurt feelings.
It's the purification of theheart, a commitment to pruning
away the behaviors that quietlychip away at your connections.
(05:10):
It's choosing to honor yourselfand the people around you by
aligning your words and actionswith the values of compassion,
mercy, justice that Islam sobeautifully teaches.
And Ramadan is the perfect timeto begin this work.
While in this month we'reabstaining from food and drink,
(05:31):
and it's a sacred reset, it'salso a time to reflect on how
you show up in the world, inyour families, with your friends
, in your communities.
It's an invitation to clear outany harmful patterns you've
picked up along the way,consciously or subconsciously.
Ramadan reset is about pruningaway harmful, obvious sins, but
(05:55):
it also means becoming aware ofthe subtle ways you might be
causing harm to others with yourwords or actions, especially
when you don't intend to.
Whenever you give yourselfpermission to reflect on your
words with loving kindness, justask yourself does this comment
bring light into my relationship?
Does this act reflect thekindness and mercy that I want
(06:16):
to embody?
Does this build connection orcreate a distance?
This is a deeply spiritualpractice, because every word is
an opportunity to chooseconnection, to choose love, to
choose sincerity, and when youconsistently choose those things
, you strengthen yourrelationships personally and
your relationship with Allah SWT, and this draws you into a
(06:39):
state of emotional clarity and aspiritual presence where your
connections with both peoplearound you and the creator
himself feel stronger.
It feels lighter and morealigned.
Ramadan offers you a rareopportunity to do this work
intentionally and with focus.
Every moment is an invitationfor a chance to reflect, to
(07:01):
soften, to replace the sharpedges with gentle grace, and
when you commit to this level ofrefinement, inshallah, you're
purifying your heart and yoursoul in a way that transforms
your life, and it happens oneconversation at a time, During
this four-part series aboutmicroaggressions, we've come to
a good understanding of whatmicroaggressions are, how to
(07:24):
define them, how to recognizethem.
But so microaggressions are howto define them, how to recognize
them, but so far we have notcovered how to actually deal
with them.
And in this podcast so far, Iwanted to give you a foundation
of how to empathically deal withmicroaggressions, if that's
what you choose to do.
But I'm going to exactlydescribe to you what the
stepwise process is.
I introduced compassionateself-inquiry about
(07:47):
microaggressions just so youknow that it's available to you
and you can turn it outwards topeople in your life if the time
and the place calls for it.
There are two ways I'm going todescribe to deal with
microaggressions, and I do thatfor simplicity's sake, because I
believe that we live in a worldof complex knowledge.
Starting with simplicity movesthe needle for the most
(08:10):
impactful change.
So, for simplicity's sake, Iwill say there are two ways to
deal with microaggressionsAssertively, in a no-nonsense,
strength-based way, approachingwith aggressiveness if that's
what the situation requires forself-defense, or the other way
is empathically, gently,compassionately.
(08:30):
But, as always, no situationwill transpire around you where
either one of these is used, inseclusion in purity.
There always will be acombination of the two.
There will be one more than theother.
Be a combination of the two.
There will be one more than theother.
When calling outmicroaggressions, the goal will
be to combine a firm yetrespectful, direct and
(08:53):
aggressive, or direct yet notaggressive, and clear approach
without being defensive.
Assertiveness in this sense isprotecting your boundaries and
values, but in relationshipsclose to you, you might want to
leave space for the other personto reflect and grow and
approach the situation withcompassion.
Whatever combination you chooseis your call, and how you get
(09:17):
better at this art is what thisepisode is about Pick and choose
the combination, an approachthat helps you, that helps
maintain your dignity, powerwithout shaming or escalating
the situation.
So this is a three-step process, a paradigm that's rooted in
clarity, emotional intelligence,emotional regulation and
(09:38):
language that centers yourexperience while also
challenging harmful behavior.
Step one of this approach isgoing to be awareness and
emotional regulation.
Before you respond, after you'verecognized a microaggression,
is take a breath, create somemental, physical space or
(09:58):
time-bound space to groundyourself.
If you are activated, it isvery easy to slip into
reactivity and in reactivity youwill not see a choice of
assertive combinations versuscompassionate response.
In reactivity, you will becomeaggressive or retreat into
silence by default, and neitherone will help the situation.
(10:20):
Reactivity does not let youchoose aggression.
If you choose aggression asyour response, it's not the same
as reacting from it.
So, as a part of grounding, askyourself these reflective
questions, especially after thesituation what was the impact or
this comment on me?
What was the effect of thisaction on me?
(10:42):
What do I want to achieve withmy response?
What actually did I achievewith my response?
Did I speak from hurt or angeror did I speak from clarity and
truth?
And these sound likepost-incident reflection
questions that you have to waitfor a microaggression to happen
for you to engage in this step.
But trust me, you have a lot ofexperience with
(11:04):
microaggressions and a bigdatabase to engage in this step.
But trust me, you have a lot ofexperience with
microaggressions and a bigdatabase already built in your
mind so you can tap into any ofthose incidences and trace back
and look at that situationthrough the lens of these
questions.
So the first step is aboutawareness and emotional
regulation around themicroaggression.
Step is about awareness andemotional regulation around the
(11:27):
microaggression, stayinggrounded in your response.
The second step is to decide ifyou want to use the call-in or
call-out approach and, dependingon the situation, like we
discussed before, you can choosegentle correction that is,
calling in or directconfrontation, and assertiveness
, which is calling out.
Both are valid and your choicewill depend on the context.
(11:47):
It will depend on whatrelationship you're calling the
microaggression out in and whatyour emotional safety demands.
The calling in, gentlecorrection approach is what you
use when your relationship isimportant to you and you believe
that the person is open tolearning.
Calling out or a directconfrontation is when the
(12:09):
behavior is repeatedly harmfuland it's very important to set a
firm boundary in close oracquaintance type of
relationships or with completestrangers.
I'm going to give you someexamples of this step and,
inshallah, it will be more clear.
I'm going to give you someexamples of this step and,
inshallah, it will be more clear.
Some gentle correction approachwould be if somebody says you've
(12:29):
been home all day, what haveyou done?
You reply back it feltdismissive of my work.
I know that might not have beenyour intention, but it hurt.
I want us to acknowledge eachother's contributions more
intentionally.
Or direct, confrontationalapproach is what you're saying
is hurtful.
It reduces our sacredrelationship to a power play.
(12:52):
I expect our conversations tohonor our values, not distort
them.
But here's the ironic thingabout what you say you can be
saying the same thing and itwill feel to you as if you're
calling in or calling somebodyout, depending on your intention
to do so.
And that's how they willreceive it too.
What I mean by that is youractions are bound by your
(13:14):
thoughts and your feelings.
So, depending on what you'rethinking and feeling when you
say, these words will lay thegroundwork for an aggressive
response to a microaggression ora gentle response to it.
It's not so much the words yousay, because your intention will
reflect in the tone and thenonverbal cues.
(13:35):
So, overall, the breakdown ofthis step, the paradigm of
responding to microaggressions,is simple.
It's you state the behavior.
Microaggressions is simple.
It's you state the behavior,you describe the impact on you,
you clarify your expectationsand boundaries and you invite a
dialogue or reflection.
The last part is if you wantthe communication to be gentle.
(14:00):
So what it looks like is whenyou commented on my weight,
stating the behavior I felt,judged and self-conscious,
describing the impact on you.
I expect our conversations tofocus on encouragement and not
criticism, your expectation andyour boundary, and I'd like us
to talk about how we cancommunicate more supportively in
the future.
Invitation to dialogue andreflect.
(14:22):
The last part is optional,depending on the situation, and
if you insert that part or notwill depend on if you're
choosing assertiveness orempathy, based on what the
situation calls for.
As the most important point tothis step, I want you guys to
reflect on how you feel beforeyou address the microaggression.
(14:42):
The words you choose are notgoing to be as important as how
you're feeling, because howyou're feeling is going to
reflect of if you come off asaggressive or gentle.
So some examples here are goingto include, let's say, the
microaggression is you'reoverreacting, it's no big deal.
Your response might be when yousay I'm overreacting, it feels
(15:04):
like my feelings are beingdismissed.
I need you to listen withoutjudgment when I share something
that's important to me.
Or if your husband says I havethe right to take another wife,
your response might be the wayyou're framing it feels like a
threat.
Our marriage is built on trustand not power play.
I will not accept anyconversation that distort the
(15:26):
beauty of our deen and switch itfor control.
Or, let's say, a friend passive,aggressively, says must be nice
that you're busy, you can'teven return a text.
Your response could be I noticea passive tone.
My schedule's been hecticlately, but I do care about our
friendship and let's find timeto reconnect.
You're stating the behavior,you're describing the impact on
(15:51):
you, you're clarifying yourexpectation and boundary and, as
a last, optional step, you'reinviting future dialogue and
reflection.
Depending on if you're using acall-in or call-out approach, a
gentle or an aggressive approach, whatever your intention is is
exactly how your communicationis going to come off.
(16:12):
Okay, and then step number threeself-validation and strength
towards emotional recovery.
You're going to have to holdyour ground with empathy and
strength, while responding tomicroaggressions means a balance
of choice between strength andcompression, with varying
percentages of each.
After you have stated yourboundary or you've corrected the
(16:35):
microaggression, hold space forreflection, microcorrections
for the future, if that's whatit needs.
If the other person respondsdismissively or defensively, you
will use a broken recordrepetition technique.
I've shared how this commentaffected me.
I'm asking for it to stop.
I understand you might not havemet harm, but the impact was
(16:59):
harmful.
I need this to be acknowledged.
The other person's response hasno bearing on how you continue
to show up.
You can lather, rinse andrepeat the same steps over and
over again until you'veaccomplished the goal of
deflecting that microaggression.
But the third step mostlyincludes this post-interaction
(17:19):
reflection.
Did I express myself withclarity and, if it's important
to me, did I use kindness or wasthere more assertiveness than
usual, or was there not enoughassertiveness?
Did I choose that intentionallyor did I fall into anger, hurt
and reactivity?
Did I remain true to my values?
What did I learn about myselfin this situation?
(17:42):
A very importantpost-interaction self-reflection
includes that after theinteraction you remind yourself
that speaking up is an act ofself-respect.
It is not because you're tryingto manage how the other person
responds.
That is not in your control.
Whether they accept or rejectyour feedback, your boundary is
(18:04):
valid and the self-validation isan extremely important part of
the post-interaction reflection.
With all of these three steps,this is a skill that you will
refine over time.
It's going to be an ongoingpractice of aligning your words
with your values.
With all of these three steps,this is a skill that you will
refine over time.
It's going to be an ongoingpractice of aligning your words
with your values and in thecontext of microaggressions,
(18:24):
especially in marriages.
It's about holding the spacefor the relationship to a higher
standard of love, trust,respect.
The goal is not perfection,it's ongoing progress.
Learn to enjoy the journey andyou will do exactly that.
You will enjoy the journey,incredibly, when you're
(18:44):
self-correcting with self-love.
Recognizing microaggressions isone thing.
Addressing them is completelydifferent altogether, and in
this episode, we focused on theart of responding to
microaggressions with acombination of assertiveness or
gentleness, but always withwisdom and emotional control.
Whether you choose a gentlecorrecting, calling in, or
(19:07):
firmly setting a boundary,calling out approach, the goal
is not to prove a point, but toprotect your peace.
We walked through a three-stepframework for dealing with
microaggressions effectively,because every response you give
teaches people how to treat you.
The way you hold yourself inthese moments determines exactly
(19:29):
whether you stay in the cyclesof silent harm or step into a
place of self-respect and growth.
It is not easy, but it issimple.
You'll have moments of doubt,moments where you wonder if your
speaking up is worth it, butremember, your voice matters and
(19:49):
your boundaries are valid.
And as you're strengtheningyour ability to recognize and
address microaggressions,something else happens.
You start to see the hiddenlessons within them, and the
biggest hidden lesson is how youcan learn to enjoy this journey
most.
In the next part, we'll takethis conversation even deeper.
We will learn how everythingcreated by Allah SWT holds a
(20:13):
lesson for us, and we will learnhow microaggressions are
valuable, how they revealsomething about the other person
or about yourself that couldmake you stronger, and that, to
me, is one of the most impactfulepisodes.
So please tune in next week,inshallah.
With that, I pray to Allah SWT.
(20:33):
O Allah, you are the source ofstrength and justice.
Help me and all of us speakwith clarity and courage.
Have us rooted in kindness andtruth when we need to.
O Allah, when I need to protectmyself, give me the words that
heal and the strength to holdfirm when I'm called to correct
(20:54):
someone.
Grant me the wisdom andgentleness, ya Allah, let my
words reflect your mercy and myactions reflect your justice.
Keep my heart soft andunshakable and make my
boundaries a protection, not awall.
Ameen, ya Rabbul Ameen, pleasekeep me in your du'as.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Alhamdulillah, this is partthree of the four-part series
about microaggressions, and weare well into our Ramadan
(00:26):
schedules.
Insha'allah, you guys arebenefiting from this blessed
month.
This episode, like every other,is about creating a change in
your life that benefits you, andevery change in your life
starts with a change in you.
And while that sounds beautifulin theory, it's not always
available to you in the moment.
And while that sounds beautifulin theory, it's not always
(00:47):
available to you in the moment.
You might be wiped out,physically and emotionally spent
, where your nervous system isin overdrive and you're
constantly managing crises, bigor small.
So the thought of lovinglyturning inwards and trying to
correct your ownmicroaggressions will feel like
asking for too much.
To correct your ownmicroaggressions will feel like
(01:07):
asking for too much, and that'sokay, because my next invitation
to you as a part of thispodcast is to turn inward, to
see where you are responsiblefor microaggressions towards
others and self-correct in themost gentle and self-loving way
If this process is not availableto you right now.
That's completely okay.
But this whole process alsoisn't linear.
It's not a checklist that'ssupposed to be completed in a
(01:28):
specific order.
If you're in survival modeafter a microaggression and you
responded with a microaggression, or you were the perpetrator of
it by mistake, being insurvival mode means that you're
not having the capability ofturning inwards and gently
correcting yourself.
That's not the right moment todo that.
So give yourself space and timeand come back to it later.
(01:50):
But do come back to it and findout where you might have been
responsible for microaggressions.
And I placed this topic as apart of this series here because
, in my own journey, this iswhere it naturally fell.
I started recognizingmicroaggressions around me and
during learning how to spot themcoming at me.
The next step was for me toturn inwards, and I noticed that
(02:14):
once I began looking at how Iwas contributing to this dynamic
especially looking withoutshame, without self-blame it
opened up a whole new layer ofgrowth and healing for me.
And that was my path, butyou're welcome to yours.
The reason I emphasize turninginwards and looking for where
you might be contributingtowards microaggressions,
(02:37):
towards others, is becausethrough this process, you
develop a solid foundation ofunconditional self-acceptance
and self-love.
You can't begin to gentlyaddress your own
microaggressions until youbelieve deep down in your bones
that you're still lovable evenwhen you fall short, and you
will fall short because you're ahuman.
(02:58):
The beauty of this work is thatit draws you into a more
compassionate relationship withyourself, a relationship that
reflects Allah's boundless mercyon you.
His mercy isn't abstract ordistant.
It's for you specifically andit's very near to you in every
(03:22):
messy, complicated part of yourjourney, even when you might
have been responsible formicroaggressions.
When you approach thisself-correction process with
love instead of judgment,everything shifts.
It stops being aboutself-criticism and becomes about
self-clarity.
And without thatself-acceptance, without that
(03:44):
gentle, honest love for yourself, you'll continue to disregard
microaggressions, both the onesyou give to the world and the
ones you receive.
You'll disregard them as it'snot a big deal.
That's not what happened.
But once you believe you'reworthy of living a life free of
harm, internally and externally,you'll realize that every
microaggression, no matter howsmall, matters.
(04:04):
And in yourself, it's notbecause you're aiming for
perfection, but because you'rechoosing to honor yourself at a
higher standard every day, andthis choice will transform
everything.
So in the beginning of thispodcast, I wanted to invite you
to turn inwards to create thechange, because once you become
aware of these dynamics, youwill have the opportunity to
(04:26):
change both yourself and yourrelationships.
You start by noticing your ownlanguage and reflecting on
whether your words uplift othersor harm.
If you catch yourself in amicroaggression, pause,
apologize, rephrase with moreintention and love, and if
apology to another person is notwarranted or you're too
(04:47):
dysregulated to provide it, thenjust internally apologize.
All of this is a part of agreater spiritual refinement
that Islam calls us to embody.
It's not surface-level exerciseabout being polite and avoiding
hurt feelings.
It's the purification of theheart, a commitment to pruning
away the behaviors that quietlychip away at your connections.
(05:10):
It's choosing to honor yourselfand the people around you by
aligning your words and actionswith the values of compassion,
mercy, justice that Islam sobeautifully teaches.
And Ramadan is the perfect timeto begin this work.
While in this month we'reabstaining from food and drink,
(05:31):
and it's a sacred reset, it'salso a time to reflect on how
you show up in the world, inyour families, with your friends
, in your communities.
It's an invitation to clear outany harmful patterns you've
picked up along the way,consciously or subconsciously.
Ramadan reset is about pruningaway harmful, obvious sins, but
(05:55):
it also means becoming aware ofthe subtle ways you might be
causing harm to others with yourwords or actions, especially
when you don't intend to.
Whenever you give yourselfpermission to reflect on your
words with loving kindness, justask yourself does this comment
bring light into my relationship?
Does this act reflect thekindness and mercy that I want
(06:16):
to embody?
Does this build connection orcreate a distance?
This is a deeply spiritualpractice, because every word is
an opportunity to chooseconnection, to choose love, to
choose sincerity, and when youconsistently choose those things
, you strengthen yourrelationships personally and
your relationship with Allah SWT, and this draws you into a
(06:39):
state of emotional clarity and aspiritual presence where your
connections with both peoplearound you and the creator
himself feel stronger.
It feels lighter and morealigned.
Ramadan offers you a rareopportunity to do this work
intentionally and with focus.
Every moment is an invitationfor a chance to reflect, to
(07:01):
soften, to replace the sharpedges with gentle grace, and
when you commit to this level ofrefinement, inshallah, you're
purifying your heart and yoursoul in a way that transforms
your life, and it happens oneconversation at a time, During
this four-part series aboutmicroaggressions, we've come to
a good understanding of whatmicroaggressions are, how to
(07:24):
define them, how to recognizethem.
But so microaggressions are howto define them, how to recognize
them, but so far we have notcovered how to actually deal
with them.
And in this podcast so far, Iwanted to give you a foundation
of how to empathically deal withmicroaggressions, if that's
what you choose to do.
But I'm going to exactlydescribe to you what the
stepwise process is.
I introduced compassionateself-inquiry about
(07:47):
microaggressions just so youknow that it's available to you
and you can turn it outwards topeople in your life if the time
and the place calls for it.
There are two ways I'm going todescribe to deal with
microaggressions, and I do thatfor simplicity's sake, because I
believe that we live in a worldof complex knowledge.
Starting with simplicity movesthe needle for the most
(08:10):
impactful change.
So, for simplicity's sake, Iwill say there are two ways to
deal with microaggressionsAssertively, in a no-nonsense,
strength-based way, approachingwith aggressiveness if that's
what the situation requires forself-defense, or the other way
is empathically, gently,compassionately.
(08:30):
But, as always, no situationwill transpire around you where
either one of these is used, inseclusion in purity.
There always will be acombination of the two.
There will be one more than theother.
Be a combination of the two.
There will be one more than theother.
When calling outmicroaggressions, the goal will
be to combine a firm yetrespectful, direct and
(08:53):
aggressive, or direct yet notaggressive, and clear approach
without being defensive.
Assertiveness in this sense isprotecting your boundaries and
values, but in relationshipsclose to you, you might want to
leave space for the other personto reflect and grow and
approach the situation withcompassion.
Whatever combination you chooseis your call, and how you get
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better at this art is what thisepisode is about Pick and choose
the combination, an approachthat helps you, that helps
maintain your dignity, powerwithout shaming or escalating
the situation.
So this is a three-step process, a paradigm that's rooted in
clarity, emotional intelligence,emotional regulation and
(09:38):
language that centers yourexperience while also
challenging harmful behavior.
Step one of this approach isgoing to be awareness and
emotional regulation.
Before you respond, after you'verecognized a microaggression,
is take a breath, create somemental, physical space or
(09:58):
time-bound space to groundyourself.
If you are activated, it isvery easy to slip into
reactivity and in reactivity youwill not see a choice of
assertive combinations versuscompassionate response.
In reactivity, you will becomeaggressive or retreat into
silence by default, and neitherone will help the situation.
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Reactivity does not let youchoose aggression.
If you choose aggression asyour response, it's not the same
as reacting from it.
So, as a part of grounding, askyourself these reflective
questions, especially after thesituation what was the impact or
this comment on me?
What was the effect of thisaction on me?
(10:42):
What do I want to achieve withmy response?
What actually did I achievewith my response?
Did I speak from hurt or angeror did I speak from clarity and
truth?
And these sound likepost-incident reflection
questions that you have to waitfor a microaggression to happen
for you to engage in this step.
But trust me, you have a lot ofexperience with
(11:04):
microaggressions and a bigdatabase to engage in this step.
But trust me, you have a lot ofexperience with
microaggressions and a bigdatabase already built in your
mind so you can tap into any ofthose incidences and trace back
and look at that situationthrough the lens of these
questions.
So the first step is aboutawareness and emotional
regulation around themicroaggression.
Step is about awareness andemotional regulation around the
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microaggression, stayinggrounded in your response.
The second step is to decide ifyou want to use the call-in or
call-out approach and, dependingon the situation, like we
discussed before, you can choosegentle correction that is,
calling in or directconfrontation, and assertiveness
, which is calling out.
Both are valid and your choicewill depend on the context.
(11:47):
It will depend on whatrelationship you're calling the
microaggression out in and whatyour emotional safety demands.
The calling in, gentlecorrection approach is what you
use when your relationship isimportant to you and you believe
that the person is open tolearning.
Calling out or a directconfrontation is when the
(12:09):
behavior is repeatedly harmfuland it's very important to set a
firm boundary in close oracquaintance type of
relationships or with completestrangers.
I'm going to give you someexamples of this step and,
inshallah, it will be more clear.
I'm going to give you someexamples of this step and,
inshallah, it will be more clear.
Some gentle correction approachwould be if somebody says you've
(12:29):
been home all day, what haveyou done?
You reply back it feltdismissive of my work.
I know that might not have beenyour intention, but it hurt.
I want us to acknowledge eachother's contributions more
intentionally.
Or direct, confrontationalapproach is what you're saying
is hurtful.
It reduces our sacredrelationship to a power play.
(12:52):
I expect our conversations tohonor our values, not distort
them.
But here's the ironic thingabout what you say you can be
saying the same thing and itwill feel to you as if you're
calling in or calling somebodyout, depending on your intention
to do so.
And that's how they willreceive it too.
What I mean by that is youractions are bound by your
(13:14):
thoughts and your feelings.
So, depending on what you'rethinking and feeling when you
say, these words will lay thegroundwork for an aggressive
response to a microaggression ora gentle response to it.
It's not so much the words yousay, because your intention will
reflect in the tone and thenonverbal cues.
(13:35):
So, overall, the breakdown ofthis step, the paradigm of
responding to microaggressions,is simple.
It's you state the behavior.
Microaggressions is simple.
It's you state the behavior,you describe the impact on you,
you clarify your expectationsand boundaries and you invite a
dialogue or reflection.
The last part is if you wantthe communication to be gentle.
(14:00):
So what it looks like is whenyou commented on my weight,
stating the behavior I felt,judged and self-conscious,
describing the impact on you.
I expect our conversations tofocus on encouragement and not
criticism, your expectation andyour boundary, and I'd like us
to talk about how we cancommunicate more supportively in
the future.
Invitation to dialogue andreflect.
(14:22):
The last part is optional,depending on the situation, and
if you insert that part or notwill depend on if you're
choosing assertiveness orempathy, based on what the
situation calls for.
As the most important point tothis step, I want you guys to
reflect on how you feel beforeyou address the microaggression.
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The words you choose are notgoing to be as important as how
you're feeling, because howyou're feeling is going to
reflect of if you come off asaggressive or gentle.
So some examples here are goingto include, let's say, the
microaggression is you'reoverreacting, it's no big deal.
Your response might be when yousay I'm overreacting, it feels
(15:04):
like my feelings are beingdismissed.
I need you to listen withoutjudgment when I share something
that's important to me.
Or if your husband says I havethe right to take another wife,
your response might be the wayyou're framing it feels like a
threat.
Our marriage is built on trustand not power play.
I will not accept anyconversation that distort the
(15:26):
beauty of our deen and switch itfor control.
Or, let's say, a friend passive,aggressively, says must be nice
that you're busy, you can'teven return a text.
Your response could be I noticea passive tone.
My schedule's been hecticlately, but I do care about our
friendship and let's find timeto reconnect.
You're stating the behavior,you're describing the impact on
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you, you're clarifying yourexpectation and boundary and, as
a last, optional step, you'reinviting future dialogue and
reflection.
Depending on if you're using acall-in or call-out approach, a
gentle or an aggressive approach, whatever your intention is is
exactly how your communicationis going to come off.
(16:12):
Okay, and then step number threeself-validation and strength
towards emotional recovery.
You're going to have to holdyour ground with empathy and
strength, while responding tomicroaggressions means a balance
of choice between strength andcompression, with varying
percentages of each.
After you have stated yourboundary or you've corrected the
(16:35):
microaggression, hold space forreflection, microcorrections
for the future, if that's whatit needs.
If the other person respondsdismissively or defensively, you
will use a broken recordrepetition technique.
I've shared how this commentaffected me.
I'm asking for it to stop.
I understand you might not havemet harm, but the impact was
(16:59):
harmful.
I need this to be acknowledged.
The other person's response hasno bearing on how you continue
to show up.
You can lather, rinse andrepeat the same steps over and
over again until you'veaccomplished the goal of
deflecting that microaggression.
But the third step mostlyincludes this post-interaction
(17:19):
reflection.
Did I express myself withclarity and, if it's important
to me, did I use kindness or wasthere more assertiveness than
usual, or was there not enoughassertiveness?
Did I choose that intentionallyor did I fall into anger, hurt
and reactivity?
Did I remain true to my values?
What did I learn about myselfin this situation?
(17:42):
A very importantpost-interaction self-reflection
includes that after theinteraction you remind yourself
that speaking up is an act ofself-respect.
It is not because you're tryingto manage how the other person
responds.
That is not in your control.
Whether they accept or rejectyour feedback, your boundary is
(18:04):
valid and the self-validation isan extremely important part of
the post-interaction reflection.
With all of these three steps,this is a skill that you will
refine over time.
It's going to be an ongoingpractice of aligning your words
with your values.
With all of these three steps,this is a skill that you will
refine over time.
It's going to be an ongoingpractice of aligning your words
with your values and in thecontext of microaggressions,
(18:24):
especially in marriages.
It's about holding the spacefor the relationship to a higher
standard of love, trust,respect.
The goal is not perfection,it's ongoing progress.
Learn to enjoy the journey andyou will do exactly that.
You will enjoy the journey,incredibly, when you're
(18:44):
self-correcting with self-love.
Recognizing microaggressions isone thing.
Addressing them is completelydifferent altogether, and in
this episode, we focused on theart of responding to
microaggressions with acombination of assertiveness or
gentleness, but always withwisdom and emotional control.
Whether you choose a gentlecorrecting, calling in, or
(19:07):
firmly setting a boundary,calling out approach, the goal
is not to prove a point, but toprotect your peace.
We walked through a three-stepframework for dealing with
microaggressions effectively,because every response you give
teaches people how to treat you.
The way you hold yourself inthese moments determines exactly
(19:29):
whether you stay in the cyclesof silent harm or step into a
place of self-respect and growth.
It is not easy, but it issimple.
You'll have moments of doubt,moments where you wonder if your
speaking up is worth it, butremember, your voice matters and
(19:49):
your boundaries are valid.
And as you're strengtheningyour ability to recognize and
address microaggressions,something else happens.
You start to see the hiddenlessons within them, and the
biggest hidden lesson is how youcan learn to enjoy this journey
most.
In the next part, we'll takethis conversation even deeper.
We will learn how everythingcreated by Allah SWT holds a
(20:13):
lesson for us, and we will learnhow microaggressions are
valuable, how they revealsomething about the other person
or about yourself that couldmake you stronger, and that, to
me, is one of the most impactfulepisodes.
So please tune in next week,inshallah.
With that, I pray to Allah SWT.
(20:33):
O Allah, you are the source ofstrength and justice.
Help me and all of us speakwith clarity and courage.
Have us rooted in kindness andtruth when we need to.
O Allah, when I need to protectmyself, give me the words that
heal and the strength to holdfirm when I'm called to correct
(20:54):
someone.
Grant me the wisdom andgentleness, ya Allah, let my
words reflect your mercy and myactions reflect your justice.
Keep my heart soft andunshakable and make my
boundaries a protection, not awall.
Ameen, ya Rabbul Ameen, pleasekeep me in your du'as.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
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