March 25, 2025 • 24 mins
What if the microaggressions are windows into profound personal growth? This eye-opening exploration reveals how the subtle comments and behaviors that cause harm can become unexpected catalysts for self-awareness, emotional resilience, and spiritual refinement.
When someone directs a microaggression toward you, they're unknowingly offering a glimpse into their true beliefs. When a microaggression lands with force, it's often touching on something you're already sensitive about. This presents a valuable opportunity to strengthen your relationship with that part of yourself. Not to accept their judgment, but to own your narrative and do the inner work that helps you feel secure. Similarly, these moments can expose harmful socialized beliefs you might have unconsciously internalized, allowing you to break free from limiting expectations.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If this podcast has benefited you, imagine the value of a one-on-one meeting with me! Click below to schedule your FREE consultation. Discover solutions with no obligation.
https://www.islamiclifecoachschool.com/appointments
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Asar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Alhamdulillah, I'm very excitedfor the part 4 of this series.
We've discussed a lot aboutmicroaggressions, but I have to
(00:26):
say most of it for us to buildup to this point, the point I'm
going to make in this podcast.
It might be hard for you tobelieve, but these
microaggressions have benefits.
When someone directs amicroaggression at you, it
reveals a lot about their owninsecurities and their worldview
.
Whatever I'm going to teach youabout in this podcast is based
(00:49):
on somebody else'smicroaggression towards you, but
at any point, if you feel safeenough, you're welcome to turn
these questioning towardsyourself.
Meaning, how are yourmicroaggressions telling you the
truth about your hidden beliefs?
And this is the next level ofgrowth, which, of course, I'm
always constantly inviting youto do.
(01:10):
But this podcast is mostlygeared towards how you can take
benefit out of other people'smicroaggressions towards you.
When you begin to seemicroaggressions as a window
into somebody else's trueperspective, the entire
experience changes.
You stop looking at thesecomments and behaviors as random
.
You start looking for thelayers of hidden meaning behind
(01:33):
these Microaggressions.
Tell you what somebody reallybelieves about you.
They offer an unfilteredglimpse into the stories and
biases they carry, even ifeveryone tries to quote them
with politeness or humor.
If you can trust yourselfenough to read the
microaggression for what it is,you'll start to notice the
(01:53):
underlying message.
You'll start to see through thecover and realize what they
feel but aren't brave enough tosay directly.
This level of work is not alwayscomfortable, but this clarity
is an absolute gift.
Once you recognize what'sbehind their words, or what's
behind your words and yourmicroaggressions, you stop
(02:16):
taking them at face value and,instead of feeling attacked, you
can acknowledge the truththat's being revealed to you the
truth about them, not about you.
This kind of awareness allowsyou to respond from a place of
strength, and then you can holdup the mirror and decide how
much space you want to give tothis unspoken belief.
This way you become lessreactive and more strategic,
(02:39):
because now you know what you'rereally dealing with, and
becoming less reactive is thegoal after all.
So I'm going to pose a fewquestions to you and, like I
said before, the deeper level ofwork here is to turn these
questions around and ask themabout yourself.
But if you're not there yet,that's completely okay.
I just wanted to give you thisoption because I'm not going to
(03:01):
create a fifth podcast in thisseries.
That might be a little too much.
So the first question we'redealing with is is there a
kernel of truth orself-reflection hidden in this
microaggression, something thatcould spark your own personal
growth?
So we've discovered that notevery microaggression lands,
because it's true.
But when it does hit a nerve,it is worth pausing and
(03:24):
reflecting.
The reason certain commentssting more than others is
because they touch on somethingyou're already sensitive about.
If someone told you I hate yourblue hair and you don't have
blue hair, you'd laugh it offbecause it's irrelevant, it
doesn't apply to you, your brainwouldn't register it as hurtful
(03:44):
because there's no foundationfor it to land.
But when someone says, oh, youshould really exercise more, it
feels like it's a hit.
It's really because you'realready carrying some discomfort
or insecurity in that area.
So in that moment there's achoice you can dismiss it or you
can use it as a prompt toexplore your own self-perception
(04:07):
.
Does this comment reflect anarea where you need to grow or
heal?
Maybe it's your body image,maybe it's confidence, maybe
it's parenting.
Then the microaggressionbecomes an invitation to
strengthen your relationshipwith that part of yourself.
That does not mean that youaccept their yourself.
That does not mean that youaccept their judgment.
It does not mean that youcondone it or even allow it.
(04:29):
It just means that you'reowning your own narrative and
doing the inner work to feelwhole and secure in that area.
That way you can call out themicroaggression with the calling
in approach or the calling outapproach, without having to
absorb the damage that it causes.
The next question how domicroaggressions expose societal
(04:50):
expectations or cultural biasesthat you might have
internalized?
Microaggressions reveal otherpeople's beliefs, what they've
absorbed from the world aroundyou.
Microaggressions are theperfect opportunity for you to
reveal harmful socializedbeliefs that you might have
adopted for yourself.
(05:10):
If, for the very first timeafter listening to this series,
you're starting to call out amicroaggression that you didn't
recognize before, this isactually an invite for you to
understand that a societal and acultural expectation has taken
a root in you, a damaging,harmful belief that you
otherwise want to uproot.
This recognition is the firststep towards protecting yourself
(05:33):
and breaking free from thelimiting beliefs you've
unconsciously carried for years.
So, for example, if you don'teven blink when someone implies
that a woman's primary role isat home, but in the background
you want to work for money, youwant to be financially dependent
then this internalized beliefmight not be helping you.
(05:58):
Have you unknowingly built yourlife around it and you're
welcome to continue to carrythis belief if it is serving you
.
But what if it's no longerserving you?
Recognizing these subtlepatterns open a door for
profound change.
It allows you to challenge whatyou once accepted as truth.
It allows you to begin buildingyour identity on something that
is more authentic andintentional for you and your
goals.
(06:18):
The next question I want to askis how can you reframe a
microaggression into anopportunity to assert your
values or set a healthy boundary?
Every microaggression is anopportunity.
It's an opportunity for you todraw a line, clarify your worth
and define what you will andwill not accept.
(06:38):
It is an opportunity for you toexercise your boundary muscles
when you encounter a dismissiveor a demeaning comment about
your work, your personal choices.
It's an invitation for you totake a deep breath, see it for
what it is and assert your value, instead of absorbing it
quietly, which you might havebeen doing up until now, or
(07:01):
instead of reacting to it withanger, you can use it to clarify
your boundary with strength andgrace.
An example I'll give you forthis is if somebody makes a
dismissive remark about yourcareer, you can see it as a
chance to ground yourself moredeeply in your purpose and your
value of your work.
Remind yourself first of yourworth, contribution, and then
(07:24):
state it clearly to others.
It does not matter what theybelieve, as long as you don't
believe what they believe andyou're not doing this to seek
their approval, but you're doingit to stand firm in what you
already know to be true.
This reframing, this setting upof boundaries, turns a moment
of harm into a moment ofself-empowerment.
(07:45):
This reframing ofmicroaggressions turns them into
a weight in the gym, and you'reusing this weight to strengthen
your mental muscles ofboundaries.
If previously, as a result of amicroaggression, you were
either shrinking or snappingback, this gives you an
opportunity to use it as aweight in your favor.
(08:08):
Okay, so the next question Iwant to pose for your brain is
can you transform these momentsof microaggressions into a
teachable moment for others?
And if so, how do you do itwithout exhausting yourself?
And the answer is absolutelyyes.
You can and should turnmicroaggressions as powerful
teachable moments for others,but only when you're doing it
(08:29):
from a place of calm, groundedintention.
And a lot of times you might betoo exhausted from this
teaching and you don't have toadapt this.
Their learning is theirresponsibility.
But a less exhausting way ofdealing with these
microaggressions is that you cansee these moments as an
opportunity to guide rather thanbattles to win, and the goal
(08:52):
here isn't for somebody else tochange in one conversation or
for them to agree with you.
The goal is to plant a seed ofawareness, and most of the time
when they see the truth, theirbrain does the rest of the work
of self-correction.
But one thing I do want toemphasize here when you're
choosing to use amicroaggression into a teachable
(09:14):
moment to avoid burnout in thissetting is to let go of urgency
for immediate change.
You are not responsible for howquickly they learn the lesson.
You're just offering them amirror.
You can teach them withsoftness, curiosity, grace,
strength, knowing that it mighttake multiple conversations for
(09:34):
the other person to catch on, orknowing full well that they
might not catch on, but you aredoing what you think is right.
Someone might get it right away, others might resist.
That is not your burden.
Approach it with patience andthe mindset of I'll offer it as
many times as it takes.
I'll offer it as many times asmy mind and body allows it to.
(09:56):
And then, all of a sudden, thisteaching is not going to feel
draining, it's going to feelgenerous and freeing.
Okay, so then the next questionis how might responding to
microaggressions with strengthand grace help you build deeper
trust and respect with certainpeople?
So imagine the power that itholds when you respond to
(10:17):
microaggressions with bothstrength and grace, not from
place of anger or hurt.
When you do this, a lot ofmagical things happen.
People closest to you start tosee you differently, even if
they don't want to admit it.
They start to respect yourboundaries, they think twice
about the aggression in theirinteractions with you, and that
(10:37):
strength becomes attractive.
That grace is magnetic.
And that strength becomesattractive, that grace is
magnetic.
You become the person thatothers will trust to be real,
fair and firm.
In the best way, respondingwith strength turns
surface-level relationships intodeeper, more meaningful ones.
You no longer allow goingthrough the motions in your
(10:58):
relationship or letting tensionsimmer below the surface.
Instead, you create the spacewhere honesty and respect
thrives, and the people who areattracted to that will grow and
rise to meet you All.
In the meanwhile, you aredeveloping an unshakable
foundation within yourself, andthen there's no microaggression
that can chip that away.
(11:19):
Okay, the next question how canthe experience of handling
microaggressions build emotionalresilience and sharpen your
communication skills?
Every time you handle amicroaggression thoughtfully,
you're strengthening the neuralpathways to your emotional
resilience.
This is an emotional workout.
This muscle building will helpyou navigate complex
(11:40):
interactions with ease in thefuture.
You're teaching your nervoussystem how to stay grounded in
discomfort, how to pause beforereacting, how to choose a
response that reflects yourhighest self.
And then enough of that doneover time, leads to it becoming
your second nature.
It leads to you responding withchoice, strength and grace,
(12:02):
naturally, without having towork towards it.
And with each experience, yourcommunication skills sharpen.
You become clearer, moreintentional with your words, you
become more grounded andarticulate your boundaries
without apology.
You respond without being harsh, you hold space for
conversations without losingyourself, and these are the very
(12:29):
skills that make you a powerfulleader, a partner, a friend.
Microaggressions, in that sense, are your training ground for
mastery in emotionalintelligence and communication.
Next question is is there a wayto track how you feel in the
face of microaggressions and usethose feelings as data points
to better understand your ownemotional triggers?
And the answer is yes.
Your emotions in the face ofmicroaggressions are data points
(12:53):
.
They hold invaluableinformation.
Tracking your feelings to traceback to why you felt triggered
will help you uncover patternsthat you are not going to see
otherwise.
When something hurts, pause,ask yourself why did this land
the way it did?
Why did it affect me the way itdid?
(13:15):
What emotions came up?
What is my body going through?
What am I being reminded of?
Over time, you'll start tonotice themes.
Maybe it's your fear of notbeing taken seriously or always
having to work to prove yourworth.
Maybe it's remarks aboutparenting that create a
dysregulation, because you'realready feeling vulnerable in
(13:36):
that area.
These triggers aren'tweaknesses, they're invitations.
They're the keys in the areasthat need attention and healing.
When it does come to yourattention, I am going to remind
you that whatever is revealed isnot the ultimate truth Meaning
if somebody else'smicroaggression towards your
parenting makes you feel like anincompetent mother and you
(14:00):
reveal to yourself that this isthe truth you've been trying to
run away from.
That does not mean that it isthe truth.
It is just another false belief.
You're not discovering anultimate truth about your
parenting.
You're not an incompetentmother.
It's just another false beliefthat your brain has been
(14:20):
painting.
In this case, themicroaggression has revealed to
you whatever false belief yourbrain was painting as truth to
you about your parenthood.
Same thing, if amicroaggression feels harsh
about you being a female bossand you can't be taken seriously
, and that reveals to you thatyou're sensitive about being
(14:41):
taken seriously and that revealsto you that you're sensitive
about being taken seriously, itis a possibility that your brain
is creating truth where thereisn't any Meaning.
People do take you seriously,but because of your
sensitivities, you don't seethat.
I mean microaggressions willteach you a whole book worth of
lessons in themselves.
They are full of teachingsabout yourself if you're willing
(15:02):
to accept them.
Okay, the next question iswhere identifying patterns in
microaggressions help you findout about the areas that call
for boundaries, growth andhealing.
So if you haven't gathered sofar, microaggressions are like
shining a flashlight into partsof your life that have been
(15:22):
quietly asking for yourattention.
The more you notice thesepatterns, the clearer it becomes
where these areas needboundaries, where you need to
heal.
All you have to do is stopseeing microaggressions as
somebody else overpowering youand start seeing them as
(15:42):
invitation to find out an areathat is more vulnerable and
feels unprotected.
Okay, next question how doesyour current level of response
to microaggressions reflect youremotional and spiritual
refinement?
Your response tomicroaggression is also an open
book of lessons for yourself, afree curriculum in your own
(16:06):
spiritual and emotionalrefinement and growth.
Are you reacting?
Are you ignoring?
Are you responding withintention?
Are you going back and forthbetween these categories?
Are you using one more than theother, while you always want to
respond with intention?
Are you quick to anger?
Do you freeze?
Are there more and more momentswhere you're able to stay calm
(16:28):
and grounded, building yourevidence for your brain as a
sign of deep refinement?
When you do feel reactive, it'snot failure, it's just another
data point.
When you do shrink and quietdown, that is also not a mistake
, just an opportunity,especially during these last 10
days of Ramadan, when spiritualrefinement is the ultimate
(16:51):
priority.
No-transcript.
The next question is how canthese moments of microaggression
be turned into spiritual tests,opportunities for embodying
greater patience andassertiveness, and all of that
(17:13):
is again a refinement in yourcommunication skills.
Maybe they're just teaching youabout practicing more of the
qualities of patience, mercy orjustice.
Not every situation calls forthe same response.
The power lies with what youchoose to do Not every
relationship and commentdeserves the same response and
(17:35):
your awareness between yourchoice of response is what's
going to bring clarity in yourlife which relationships are
worth handling with care andsoftness and which ones require
firm boundaries andassertiveness.
The next question what ifmicroaggressions were Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala's way ofbringing you towards greater
(17:56):
self-awareness?
How would you approach thatdifferently?
What if these were the tests inyour life that were set in
place, preordained to deepenyour self-awareness, to deepen
your spiritual refinement work?
What if every uncomfortableinteraction was an opportunity
for growth, hand delivered toyou by Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
, because he wants to see yougrow, he wants to see you get
(18:20):
closer to Him.
So then, instead of beingconstantly drained by these
moments, you become curious.
Why did this show up for metoday?
What is Allah trying to teachme through these interactions?
If you start to see eachexperience with this lens, it's
going to become purposeful, andthen there will be no wasted
interaction, no wasted time.
(18:41):
What if a feedback that ispackaged as a microaggression is
just something for you toadjust and sharpen your personal
strategy?
Because if somebody isdelivering you feedback in the
form of a microaggression,that's a shortcoming on their
part.
How are you going to takevaluable insight out of that
feedback?
This does not mean you'reexcusing the delivery method.
(19:04):
It just means that you'rerecognizing that all the lessons
are not delivered to you inkind and tidy conversations.
Maybe this is your way ofhashing out the message from the
messenger, because the harshestcomment might offer some
clarity.
So, in a professional setting,that's what this is going to
look like.
So, in a professional setting,that's what this is going to
(19:25):
look like.
It's going to be an opportunityfor you to refine your strategy
, your delivery method, the wayyou show up to your work, moving
forward.
Is anything being given to youin the feedback pointing to a
genuine blind spot for you?
And if that's the case, use it.
Adjust, create a differentcommunication style, strengthen
your leadership approach, comeback stronger.
(19:47):
After you've addressed thefeedback, addressed the
microaggression and I've alreadygiven you the ways to address
it you will move on from thatmicroaggression far more
effectively than otherwise evertaught to you.
The key here is not to lose thegrowth opportunity just because
it's delivered poorly.
Your growth is yours.
(20:08):
The other person's shortcomingdoes not change that.
After you recognize your growthopportunity, you can verbalize
it or not.
You can act on it immediatelyor not.
You have more of a window tocall out the microaggression
than anything else, and thechance of the other party
(20:28):
changing their behavior are muchhigher that way, all right.
Next question when is it worthstrategically ignoring a
microaggression?
Because not everymicroaggression needs to be
confronted.
Sometimes the most strategicmove is to let it slide, not out
of fear, not out of avoidance,but just because calling it out
(20:51):
would not serve your long-termgoal.
The question you're trying toanswer in the response to a
microaggression is not should Ialways call it out, but rather
ask yourself what outcome do Iwant here?
In some situations calling inor calling out helps.
In others it derails the biggerpicture.
Use your own discernment.
(21:13):
Maybe you're going to choose tolet go of a microaggression and
save your energy for biggerbattles.
Knowing when to speak and whento stay silent is an art, and
every art gets better withpractice.
You learn how to choose aresponse that best serves your
life, not just your immediatefeelings.
(21:33):
And the last question I want toask is what if?
Becoming an expert at spottingmicroaggressions makes you an
excellent leader, makes youexcellent at your communication
skills?
An excellent leader makes youexcellent at your communication
skills.
Looking out for microaggressions give you an
understanding of deep, unspokendynamics.
In every conversation, youbecome attuned to the subtext,
(21:57):
reading between the lines andseeing what others miss.
This is a skill that helps younavigate complex relationships.
This gives you an edge in yourleadership and, inshallah, when
you implement what I've taughtyou in this four-part series,
you become a person who cancreate emotionally safe spaces
(22:17):
where others feel heard andrespected, and people naturally
gravitate towards that kind ofpresence.
You will also know how torespond to microaggressions in
real time, calmly andconfidently, without being
thrown off course In business.
This is the level of awarenessthat makes you an unstoppable
negotiator, a trusted leader,someone who's always three steps
(22:40):
ahead in understandinginterpersonal dynamics.
So that brings me to the end ofall of the questions that I had
for you, and of course, Iprovided you with answers, but
it was more for you to open thedoor in your own mind so you can
come up with your own answersas well.
In this fourth episode of thefour-part series on
microaggressions, I tried toflip the script.
(23:02):
I tried to help you see thatmicroaggressions are not just
problems to endure.
They're opportunities forgrowth.
Each of these moments carryhidden information Information
about the person delivering it,about the person who's receiving
it, about the relationship inbetween and about your future
(23:22):
growth.
I want you to come back to thisseries as many times as you
need to and start usingmicroaggressions as a personal
tool, something to empower you.
And this language of awarenessis going to take you well beyond
Ramadan.
It's going to give you arenewed sense of self-respect
and emotional clarity.
Inshallah.
With that I pray to Allah.
(23:43):
Subhanahu wa ta'ala.
Clarity, inshallah.
With that I pray to Allah.
Subhanahu wa ta'ala.
O Allah, you are the one whochanges hearts and transforms
souls.
Ya Allah, refine my words, myactions and my intentions so
they align with your light.
Let my every interaction be astep closer to you.
O Allah, keep me grounded inself-respect and trust in your
(24:04):
plan.
Allow me to build relationshipsthat are pure, strong and free
of harm.
Let this journey of growth be asource of lasting peace and
connection to you, o Allah,ameen, ya Rabbul, ameen, please
keep me in your du'as.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Asar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Alhamdulillah, I'm very excitedfor the part 4 of this series.
We've discussed a lot aboutmicroaggressions, but I have to
(00:26):
say most of it for us to buildup to this point, the point I'm
going to make in this podcast.
It might be hard for you tobelieve, but these
microaggressions have benefits.
When someone directs amicroaggression at you, it
reveals a lot about their owninsecurities and their worldview
.
Whatever I'm going to teach youabout in this podcast is based
(00:49):
on somebody else'smicroaggression towards you, but
at any point, if you feel safeenough, you're welcome to turn
these questioning towardsyourself.
Meaning, how are yourmicroaggressions telling you the
truth about your hidden beliefs?
And this is the next level ofgrowth, which, of course, I'm
always constantly inviting youto do.
(01:10):
But this podcast is mostlygeared towards how you can take
benefit out of other people'smicroaggressions towards you.
When you begin to seemicroaggressions as a window
into somebody else's trueperspective, the entire
experience changes.
You stop looking at thesecomments and behaviors as random
.
You start looking for thelayers of hidden meaning behind
(01:33):
these Microaggressions.
Tell you what somebody reallybelieves about you.
They offer an unfilteredglimpse into the stories and
biases they carry, even ifeveryone tries to quote them
with politeness or humor.
If you can trust yourselfenough to read the
microaggression for what it is,you'll start to notice the
(01:53):
underlying message.
You'll start to see through thecover and realize what they
feel but aren't brave enough tosay directly.
This level of work is not alwayscomfortable, but this clarity
is an absolute gift.
Once you recognize what'sbehind their words, or what's
behind your words and yourmicroaggressions, you stop
(02:16):
taking them at face value and,instead of feeling attacked, you
can acknowledge the truththat's being revealed to you the
truth about them, not about you.
This kind of awareness allowsyou to respond from a place of
strength, and then you can holdup the mirror and decide how
much space you want to give tothis unspoken belief.
This way you become lessreactive and more strategic,
(02:39):
because now you know what you'rereally dealing with, and
becoming less reactive is thegoal after all.
So I'm going to pose a fewquestions to you and, like I
said before, the deeper level ofwork here is to turn these
questions around and ask themabout yourself.
But if you're not there yet,that's completely okay.
I just wanted to give you thisoption because I'm not going to
(03:01):
create a fifth podcast in thisseries.
That might be a little too much.
So the first question we'redealing with is is there a
kernel of truth orself-reflection hidden in this
microaggression, something thatcould spark your own personal
growth?
So we've discovered that notevery microaggression lands,
because it's true.
But when it does hit a nerve,it is worth pausing and
(03:24):
reflecting.
The reason certain commentssting more than others is
because they touch on somethingyou're already sensitive about.
If someone told you I hate yourblue hair and you don't have
blue hair, you'd laugh it offbecause it's irrelevant, it
doesn't apply to you, your brainwouldn't register it as hurtful
(03:44):
because there's no foundationfor it to land.
But when someone says, oh, youshould really exercise more, it
feels like it's a hit.
It's really because you'realready carrying some discomfort
or insecurity in that area.
So in that moment there's achoice you can dismiss it or you
can use it as a prompt toexplore your own self-perception
(04:07):
.
Does this comment reflect anarea where you need to grow or
heal?
Maybe it's your body image,maybe it's confidence, maybe
it's parenting.
Then the microaggressionbecomes an invitation to
strengthen your relationshipwith that part of yourself.
That does not mean that youaccept their yourself.
That does not mean that youaccept their judgment.
It does not mean that youcondone it or even allow it.
(04:29):
It just means that you'reowning your own narrative and
doing the inner work to feelwhole and secure in that area.
That way you can call out themicroaggression with the calling
in approach or the calling outapproach, without having to
absorb the damage that it causes.
The next question how domicroaggressions expose societal
(04:50):
expectations or cultural biasesthat you might have
internalized?
Microaggressions reveal otherpeople's beliefs, what they've
absorbed from the world aroundyou.
Microaggressions are theperfect opportunity for you to
reveal harmful socializedbeliefs that you might have
adopted for yourself.
(05:10):
If, for the very first timeafter listening to this series,
you're starting to call out amicroaggression that you didn't
recognize before, this isactually an invite for you to
understand that a societal and acultural expectation has taken
a root in you, a damaging,harmful belief that you
otherwise want to uproot.
This recognition is the firststep towards protecting yourself
(05:33):
and breaking free from thelimiting beliefs you've
unconsciously carried for years.
So, for example, if you don'teven blink when someone implies
that a woman's primary role isat home, but in the background
you want to work for money, youwant to be financially dependent
then this internalized beliefmight not be helping you.
(05:58):
Have you unknowingly built yourlife around it and you're
welcome to continue to carrythis belief if it is serving you
.
But what if it's no longerserving you?
Recognizing these subtlepatterns open a door for
profound change.
It allows you to challenge whatyou once accepted as truth.
It allows you to begin buildingyour identity on something that
is more authentic andintentional for you and your
goals.
(06:18):
The next question I want to askis how can you reframe a
microaggression into anopportunity to assert your
values or set a healthy boundary?
Every microaggression is anopportunity.
It's an opportunity for you todraw a line, clarify your worth
and define what you will andwill not accept.
(06:38):
It is an opportunity for you toexercise your boundary muscles
when you encounter a dismissiveor a demeaning comment about
your work, your personal choices.
It's an invitation for you totake a deep breath, see it for
what it is and assert your value, instead of absorbing it
quietly, which you might havebeen doing up until now, or
(07:01):
instead of reacting to it withanger, you can use it to clarify
your boundary with strength andgrace.
An example I'll give you forthis is if somebody makes a
dismissive remark about yourcareer, you can see it as a
chance to ground yourself moredeeply in your purpose and your
value of your work.
Remind yourself first of yourworth, contribution, and then
(07:24):
state it clearly to others.
It does not matter what theybelieve, as long as you don't
believe what they believe andyou're not doing this to seek
their approval, but you're doingit to stand firm in what you
already know to be true.
This reframing, this setting upof boundaries, turns a moment
of harm into a moment ofself-empowerment.
(07:45):
This reframing ofmicroaggressions turns them into
a weight in the gym, and you'reusing this weight to strengthen
your mental muscles ofboundaries.
If previously, as a result of amicroaggression, you were
either shrinking or snappingback, this gives you an
opportunity to use it as aweight in your favor.
(08:08):
Okay, so the next question Iwant to pose for your brain is
can you transform these momentsof microaggressions into a
teachable moment for others?
And if so, how do you do itwithout exhausting yourself?
And the answer is absolutelyyes.
You can and should turnmicroaggressions as powerful
teachable moments for others,but only when you're doing it
(08:29):
from a place of calm, groundedintention.
And a lot of times you might betoo exhausted from this
teaching and you don't have toadapt this.
Their learning is theirresponsibility.
But a less exhausting way ofdealing with these
microaggressions is that you cansee these moments as an
opportunity to guide rather thanbattles to win, and the goal
(08:52):
here isn't for somebody else tochange in one conversation or
for them to agree with you.
The goal is to plant a seed ofawareness, and most of the time
when they see the truth, theirbrain does the rest of the work
of self-correction.
But one thing I do want toemphasize here when you're
choosing to use amicroaggression into a teachable
(09:14):
moment to avoid burnout in thissetting is to let go of urgency
for immediate change.
You are not responsible for howquickly they learn the lesson.
You're just offering them amirror.
You can teach them withsoftness, curiosity, grace,
strength, knowing that it mighttake multiple conversations for
(09:34):
the other person to catch on, orknowing full well that they
might not catch on, but you aredoing what you think is right.
Someone might get it right away, others might resist.
That is not your burden.
Approach it with patience andthe mindset of I'll offer it as
many times as it takes.
I'll offer it as many times asmy mind and body allows it to.
(09:56):
And then, all of a sudden, thisteaching is not going to feel
draining, it's going to feelgenerous and freeing.
Okay, so then the next questionis how might responding to
microaggressions with strengthand grace help you build deeper
trust and respect with certainpeople?
So imagine the power that itholds when you respond to
(10:17):
microaggressions with bothstrength and grace, not from
place of anger or hurt.
When you do this, a lot ofmagical things happen.
People closest to you start tosee you differently, even if
they don't want to admit it.
They start to respect yourboundaries, they think twice
about the aggression in theirinteractions with you, and that
(10:37):
strength becomes attractive.
That grace is magnetic.
And that strength becomesattractive, that grace is
magnetic.
You become the person thatothers will trust to be real,
fair and firm.
In the best way, respondingwith strength turns
surface-level relationships intodeeper, more meaningful ones.
You no longer allow goingthrough the motions in your
(10:58):
relationship or letting tensionsimmer below the surface.
Instead, you create the spacewhere honesty and respect
thrives, and the people who areattracted to that will grow and
rise to meet you All.
In the meanwhile, you aredeveloping an unshakable
foundation within yourself, andthen there's no microaggression
that can chip that away.
(11:19):
Okay, the next question how canthe experience of handling
microaggressions build emotionalresilience and sharpen your
communication skills?
Every time you handle amicroaggression thoughtfully,
you're strengthening the neuralpathways to your emotional
resilience.
This is an emotional workout.
This muscle building will helpyou navigate complex
(11:40):
interactions with ease in thefuture.
You're teaching your nervoussystem how to stay grounded in
discomfort, how to pause beforereacting, how to choose a
response that reflects yourhighest self.
And then enough of that doneover time, leads to it becoming
your second nature.
It leads to you responding withchoice, strength and grace,
(12:02):
naturally, without having towork towards it.
And with each experience, yourcommunication skills sharpen.
You become clearer, moreintentional with your words, you
become more grounded andarticulate your boundaries
without apology.
You respond without being harsh, you hold space for
conversations without losingyourself, and these are the very
(12:29):
skills that make you a powerfulleader, a partner, a friend.
Microaggressions, in that sense, are your training ground for
mastery in emotionalintelligence and communication.
Next question is is there a wayto track how you feel in the
face of microaggressions and usethose feelings as data points
to better understand your ownemotional triggers?
And the answer is yes.
Your emotions in the face ofmicroaggressions are data points
(12:53):
.
They hold invaluableinformation.
Tracking your feelings to traceback to why you felt triggered
will help you uncover patternsthat you are not going to see
otherwise.
When something hurts, pause,ask yourself why did this land
the way it did?
Why did it affect me the way itdid?
(13:15):
What emotions came up?
What is my body going through?
What am I being reminded of?
Over time, you'll start tonotice themes.
Maybe it's your fear of notbeing taken seriously or always
having to work to prove yourworth.
Maybe it's remarks aboutparenting that create a
dysregulation, because you'realready feeling vulnerable in
(13:36):
that area.
These triggers aren'tweaknesses, they're invitations.
They're the keys in the areasthat need attention and healing.
When it does come to yourattention, I am going to remind
you that whatever is revealed isnot the ultimate truth Meaning
if somebody else'smicroaggression towards your
parenting makes you feel like anincompetent mother and you
(14:00):
reveal to yourself that this isthe truth you've been trying to
run away from.
That does not mean that it isthe truth.
It is just another false belief.
You're not discovering anultimate truth about your
parenting.
You're not an incompetentmother.
It's just another false beliefthat your brain has been
(14:20):
painting.
In this case, themicroaggression has revealed to
you whatever false belief yourbrain was painting as truth to
you about your parenthood.
Same thing, if amicroaggression feels harsh
about you being a female bossand you can't be taken seriously
, and that reveals to you thatyou're sensitive about being
(14:41):
taken seriously and that revealsto you that you're sensitive
about being taken seriously, itis a possibility that your brain
is creating truth where thereisn't any Meaning.
People do take you seriously,but because of your
sensitivities, you don't seethat.
I mean microaggressions willteach you a whole book worth of
lessons in themselves.
They are full of teachingsabout yourself if you're willing
(15:02):
to accept them.
Okay, the next question iswhere identifying patterns in
microaggressions help you findout about the areas that call
for boundaries, growth andhealing.
So if you haven't gathered sofar, microaggressions are like
shining a flashlight into partsof your life that have been
(15:22):
quietly asking for yourattention.
The more you notice thesepatterns, the clearer it becomes
where these areas needboundaries, where you need to
heal.
All you have to do is stopseeing microaggressions as
somebody else overpowering youand start seeing them as
(15:42):
invitation to find out an areathat is more vulnerable and
feels unprotected.
Okay, next question how doesyour current level of response
to microaggressions reflect youremotional and spiritual
refinement?
Your response tomicroaggression is also an open
book of lessons for yourself, afree curriculum in your own
(16:06):
spiritual and emotionalrefinement and growth.
Are you reacting?
Are you ignoring?
Are you responding withintention?
Are you going back and forthbetween these categories?
Are you using one more than theother, while you always want to
respond with intention?
Are you quick to anger?
Do you freeze?
Are there more and more momentswhere you're able to stay calm
(16:28):
and grounded, building yourevidence for your brain as a
sign of deep refinement?
When you do feel reactive, it'snot failure, it's just another
data point.
When you do shrink and quietdown, that is also not a mistake
, just an opportunity,especially during these last 10
days of Ramadan, when spiritualrefinement is the ultimate
(16:51):
priority.
No-transcript.
The next question is how canthese moments of microaggression
be turned into spiritual tests,opportunities for embodying
greater patience andassertiveness, and all of that
(17:13):
is again a refinement in yourcommunication skills.
Maybe they're just teaching youabout practicing more of the
qualities of patience, mercy orjustice.
Not every situation calls forthe same response.
The power lies with what youchoose to do Not every
relationship and commentdeserves the same response and
(17:35):
your awareness between yourchoice of response is what's
going to bring clarity in yourlife which relationships are
worth handling with care andsoftness and which ones require
firm boundaries andassertiveness.
The next question what ifmicroaggressions were Allah
subhanahu wa ta'ala's way ofbringing you towards greater
(17:56):
self-awareness?
How would you approach thatdifferently?
What if these were the tests inyour life that were set in
place, preordained to deepenyour self-awareness, to deepen
your spiritual refinement work?
What if every uncomfortableinteraction was an opportunity
for growth, hand delivered toyou by Allah subhanahu wa ta'ala
, because he wants to see yougrow, he wants to see you get
(18:20):
closer to Him.
So then, instead of beingconstantly drained by these
moments, you become curious.
Why did this show up for metoday?
What is Allah trying to teachme through these interactions?
If you start to see eachexperience with this lens, it's
going to become purposeful, andthen there will be no wasted
interaction, no wasted time.
(18:41):
What if a feedback that ispackaged as a microaggression is
just something for you toadjust and sharpen your personal
strategy?
Because if somebody isdelivering you feedback in the
form of a microaggression,that's a shortcoming on their
part.
How are you going to takevaluable insight out of that
feedback?
This does not mean you'reexcusing the delivery method.
(19:04):
It just means that you'rerecognizing that all the lessons
are not delivered to you inkind and tidy conversations.
Maybe this is your way ofhashing out the message from the
messenger, because the harshestcomment might offer some
clarity.
So, in a professional setting,that's what this is going to
look like.
So, in a professional setting,that's what this is going to
(19:25):
look like.
It's going to be an opportunityfor you to refine your strategy
, your delivery method, the wayyou show up to your work, moving
forward.
Is anything being given to youin the feedback pointing to a
genuine blind spot for you?
And if that's the case, use it.
Adjust, create a differentcommunication style, strengthen
your leadership approach, comeback stronger.
(19:47):
After you've addressed thefeedback, addressed the
microaggression and I've alreadygiven you the ways to address
it you will move on from thatmicroaggression far more
effectively than otherwise evertaught to you.
The key here is not to lose thegrowth opportunity just because
it's delivered poorly.
Your growth is yours.
(20:08):
The other person's shortcomingdoes not change that.
After you recognize your growthopportunity, you can verbalize
it or not.
You can act on it immediatelyor not.
You have more of a window tocall out the microaggression
than anything else, and thechance of the other party
(20:28):
changing their behavior are muchhigher that way, all right.
Next question when is it worthstrategically ignoring a
microaggression?
Because not everymicroaggression needs to be
confronted.
Sometimes the most strategicmove is to let it slide, not out
of fear, not out of avoidance,but just because calling it out
(20:51):
would not serve your long-termgoal.
The question you're trying toanswer in the response to a
microaggression is not should Ialways call it out, but rather
ask yourself what outcome do Iwant here?
In some situations calling inor calling out helps.
In others it derails the biggerpicture.
Use your own discernment.
(21:13):
Maybe you're going to choose tolet go of a microaggression and
save your energy for biggerbattles.
Knowing when to speak and whento stay silent is an art, and
every art gets better withpractice.
You learn how to choose aresponse that best serves your
life, not just your immediatefeelings.
(21:33):
And the last question I want toask is what if?
Becoming an expert at spottingmicroaggressions makes you an
excellent leader, makes youexcellent at your communication
skills?
An excellent leader makes youexcellent at your communication
skills.
Looking out for microaggressions give you an
understanding of deep, unspokendynamics.
In every conversation, youbecome attuned to the subtext,
(21:57):
reading between the lines andseeing what others miss.
This is a skill that helps younavigate complex relationships.
This gives you an edge in yourleadership and, inshallah, when
you implement what I've taughtyou in this four-part series,
you become a person who cancreate emotionally safe spaces
(22:17):
where others feel heard andrespected, and people naturally
gravitate towards that kind ofpresence.
You will also know how torespond to microaggressions in
real time, calmly andconfidently, without being
thrown off course In business.
This is the level of awarenessthat makes you an unstoppable
negotiator, a trusted leader,someone who's always three steps
(22:40):
ahead in understandinginterpersonal dynamics.
So that brings me to the end ofall of the questions that I had
for you, and of course, Iprovided you with answers, but
it was more for you to open thedoor in your own mind so you can
come up with your own answersas well.
In this fourth episode of thefour-part series on
microaggressions, I tried toflip the script.
(23:02):
I tried to help you see thatmicroaggressions are not just
problems to endure.
They're opportunities forgrowth.
Each of these moments carryhidden information Information
about the person delivering it,about the person who's receiving
it, about the relationship inbetween and about your future
(23:22):
growth.
I want you to come back to thisseries as many times as you
need to and start usingmicroaggressions as a personal
tool, something to empower you.
And this language of awarenessis going to take you well beyond
Ramadan.
It's going to give you arenewed sense of self-respect
and emotional clarity.
Inshallah.
With that I pray to Allah.
(23:43):
Subhanahu wa ta'ala.
Clarity, inshallah.
With that I pray to Allah.
Subhanahu wa ta'ala.
O Allah, you are the one whochanges hearts and transforms
souls.
Ya Allah, refine my words, myactions and my intentions so
they align with your light.
Let my every interaction be astep closer to you.
O Allah, keep me grounded inself-respect and trust in your
(24:04):
plan.
Allow me to build relationshipsthat are pure, strong and free
of harm.
Let this journey of growth be asource of lasting peace and
connection to you, o Allah,ameen, ya Rabbul, ameen, please
keep me in your du'as.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy And Charlamagne Tha God!
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.