April 15, 2025 • 19 mins
For generations, women have been systematically taught to forget their inner intelligence. Patriarchal systems have consistently reinforced the notion that the male perspective is inherently correct. This disconnection from our own wisdom has profound consequences: we mistake silence for righteousness, shrink ourselves and call it humility, endure emotional pain and label it patience. When opportunities pass us by because of these learned limitations, it appears to validate the oppressor's claim that women are somehow less capable.
The painful truth is that patriarchy thrives on hierarchy. It's built on the belief that someone must occupy the top position while another remains beneath—a dynamic that contradicts the Islamic vision of marriage as a mutual agreement and source of peace. When we're told repeatedly that our worth is connected to having successful relationships or bearing children, we begin to believe our value exists only in relation to others. But your worth remains 100% whole whether you're married, single, divorced, or childless. You are worthy because Allah created you worthy—no hierarchy can add to that, no relationship can validate it, no absence of a partner can diminish it.
Healing begins with awareness and giving your experiences language. It requires recognizing this isn't about your personality flaws, but about socialized patterns. My work isn't about convincing anyone of their worth, but helping them remember what they've always been. Whether through coaching, reading, journaling, or whatever tools speak to you, don't wait for someone else's growth before reclaiming your power.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If this podcast has benefited you, imagine the value of a one-on-one meeting with me! Click below to schedule your FREE consultation. Discover solutions with no obligation.
https://www.islamiclifecoachschool.com/appointments
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today's podcast is not a typicalstep-by-step coaching guide,
maybe not a lot of practicaladvice, but it's more of a
(00:27):
soapbox, a soul-led reflection,because this is a deep breath
that I needed.
Our family recently experienceda tragedy we lost a young
mother.
May Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala,grant her jannah.
She passed away fromcomplications of pregnancy and
childbirth, and in all of themoments that followed, I've been
sitting with so many questionsabout womanhood, about sacrifice
(00:50):
, about what we currently callstrength and what we ignore in
the name of weakness.
And this episode is born fromthat place a space of grief,
reflection and a lot of hardtruths.
For a long time now, I've beenon a journey to reclaim a
balanced feminism definition Notthe version that's loud for the
sake of rebellion, not the onethat calls for silence in the
(01:13):
name of faith, but somethingthat's rooted in the divine and
is a balance, one thatrecognizes the sacredness of a
woman's voice, body and soul,one that recognizes the cultural
, religious and generationalsignificance of women, and I've
been trying to distill what'sreal, what's loving, what's just
.
Between the contemplation ofall of these deep questions,
(01:35):
what came up for me washierarchy.
If you've been someone who feltthe weight of imbalance in your
relationship, especially inyour marriage, this episode is
for you.
If you have ever questionedwhether your silence was piety
or self-abandonment, if you'veever wondered if your pain was
normal, if you ever questionedhow long it was going to go on,
(01:56):
if you ever tried to figure outhow many generations before you
endured it, if you've ever beengaslit into believing your worth
is tied to how well you serveothers, your questions lie on
the foundation of hierarchy andyou're not alone.
And I'm not going to be able togive you a clean list of
solutions today, but I am goingto create space, space to
acknowledge name and givelanguage to what's been long
(02:19):
unnamed and alhamdulillah.
It's not lost on me that justbeing able to ask these
questions is a privilege, and Ialso don't take it lightly that
I have this platform to be ableto voice my opinions and be able
to ask these questions andanswer them.
Culturally, women have beentaught to forget their inner
intelligence.
It's not that it doesn't exist.
(02:40):
It's not that it's less thanany other.
Not because you weren't capable, but because you were raised
inside a system that insistedthat male point of view is the
correct one.
And the explanation ofpatriarchy that I'm providing
right now is not directly linkedto the recent tragedy that I
described but, like I said, inthe deep reflection of the
questions that arose from thetragic death, I was called to
(03:02):
shed light on hierarchy.
So this is why I'm bringing uppatriarchy now.
So patriarchy itself didn't justtake your opportunities.
It stole your education, andnot just the academic kind with
degrees, diplomas and exams, butthe kind of education that
teaches you who you really arethrough your own lens, the kind
(03:22):
that includes spiritualknowledge, emotional literacy
and understanding of your rightsas a Muslim woman, that centers
you, not just the men aroundyou.
And when you grow up withoutthat kind of education, you
don't even know what you'remissing.
You become disconnected fromyour own voice, you confuse
silence with righteousness, youshrink yourself and you call it
(03:44):
humility.
You endure emotional pain andyou call it sabr.
And when you're unaware of yourown power, you can't see your
possibilities.
You don't apply for the job,you don't leave the unsafe
marriage, you don't speak in themasjid meeting, you don't
challenge the injustice in yourhome, not because you're weak,
(04:05):
but because you've been trainedto believe that you're not
allowed to want any of thesethings.
And the painful irony is thatwhen all of that happens, when
the opportunities pass you by,you end up proving the
oppressor's point that you'rebehind, that you're undefined,
uneducated, that you're not withthe times, that you're less
intelligent.
But this illusion isn't theresult of your failure.
(04:26):
It's a result of the sustaineddiscrimination.
It's a result of having yourintelligence measured by a
system that's designed to favoronly logical intelligence.
While that kind of intelligencecarries a lot of credibility, it
is not an all-or-nonephenomenon.
You have always had wisdom,maybe not the kind that gets you
a medical license or a lawdegree, at least yet, but you've
(04:49):
always had the kind of wisdomthat's all-encompassing, but the
kind that, if you were givenaccess to education and space to
grow, your wisdom would grow tomeet the challenge.
There is a kind of knowinginside you that doesn't need to
be proven with research, studiesor exams.
It's not easy for me to explainit or translate into a bullet
(05:09):
point, but it is absolutely real.
It's the wisdom that lives inyour body, the voice that you've
been trained to ignore, andthat wisdom is your birthright,
the feminine, the intuitive, theright brain, dominant
intelligence that's beendevalued ever since that written
word became the standard ofcredibility, linear logical
thinking, the kind mostcelebrated in the modern
(05:31):
educational system, and thisjust happens to align with the
male dominant cognitive leftbrain hemisphere strengths.
So when society began toprioritize what could be
measured, validated, explained,it also began to quietly label
everything else, like intuition,empathy, embodiment, emotion,
(05:53):
as irrational, weak and evenuseless.
And that's how misogyny becameintellectualized.
But in the wake of all of this,your inner intelligence never
left, it's just been dismissedand diminished.
And once you remember it, onceyou stop outsourcing your worth
and start listening to your ownvoice, you will see that it's
(06:14):
been there all along.
You may not have had a chanceto pass the MCAT or the bar exam
, but if you had the educationand the safety, you absolutely
could.
And some of you have passedreally difficult certification
exams.
So you do carry the linearintelligence as well.
And this is not arrogance, it'struth.
When women are resourced andrespected, we rise.
(06:35):
So, alhamdulillah.
Part of this reasoning is why Icreated the Empowered Muslim
Women program, not to give yousomething you're missing, but to
reconnect you with what youalready have.
You don't need fixing, you justneed witnessing.
You need a space that believesin your divine intelligence
before you even know that youhave it fully yourself.
(06:56):
Emw does not prove yourselfthrough someone else's framework
.
It helps you come back to yourown intelligence, because Allah
SWT never created a soul withoutan ability to heal, without its
own inner intelligence.
That includes you.
Patriarchy thrives on hierarchy.
It's built on a belief thatsomeone must be on top and
(07:19):
someone else beneath, and then,very often, woman is the one
expected to occupy the beneathposition, quietly, respectfully,
without questioning, and thisshows up in all sorts of subtle
and overt ways.
Let me supervise your spendingto make sure that you're not
doing it wrong.
While it might sound likeprotection, but it's really a
(07:40):
statement about power.
It says you don't get fullaccess to this resource until I
approve it, and that mindsetextends way beyond money.
It shows up in restrictionslike you can't be trusted to go
out unless you wear hijab orniqab, that women cannot be
trusted to carry their owndignity.
That is not why hijab wasordained.
And none of this is about faith.
(08:01):
This is all about control, andcontrol always feeds the power.
Differential and patriarchy initself creates a system that
pretends to educate women butwhile quietly limiting them at
the same time.
Instead of offering womenaccess to real wealth-building
knowledge, women are givenbudgeting tips.
(08:21):
Instead of being taught aboutinvestments, land ownership,
business strategy, retirementplanning, women are told to cut
coupons and track groceryspending.
It's a deliberate downshiftingof financial empowerment, and
that's just one example.
If you look around, you'll seedozens of normalized examples of
unequal access to resources,all disguised as tradition,
(08:44):
protection and even piety.
Examples like inheritance lawsthat are misspelled or distorted
to favor male relatives in away that ignores context or
fairness.
But what if, in 2025, thedaughter is the one who's been
caring and providing for theelderly parents?
What happens to the inheritancelaw then?
Or other examples like menbeing favored for religious
(09:08):
scholarships, speakingengagements and positions of
influence, while women arerelegated to children's halaqas,
women's halaqas or cooking forfundraisers.
Or women discouraged fromtraveling for education,
business or personal growth inthe guise of modesty and safety.
I will argue that currently,we're living in a society when
it's been the safest to travelas a woman, and examples like
(09:32):
healthcare decisions made bymale family members or a woman
being ashamed for prioritizingher own mental, physical and
sexual health, or women notbeing given education about
marital contracts, of nikah,that being treated as just
one-sided document.
Women's conditions aredismissed, overlooked, because
man's preference is what counts.
(09:53):
How much education does a youngMuslim girl get about what she
can put in her nikah contract?
I will argue that most littlegirls don't even learn that they
have a right to have somethingput in a nikah contract.
And these are all collective,not isolated incidents.
These are patterns, things thatinfluence the power structure,
patterns that ingrain in women asubconscious belief that you
(10:16):
exist in relation to someoneelse's authority, when, if you
study Islam, you will know thatrelationships are not meant to
be about hierarchy, not infriendship, not in parenting and
especially not in a marriage.
Marriage was designed to be amutual agreement, a place of
shared growth, shareddecision-making, mutual benefit
(10:38):
and a source of peace, above all, and in any relationship that
thrives only when one person hasthe higher power while the
other one submits, that's not apartnership, that's pure
imbalance.
So when you're told over andover again that your worth is
connected to having successfulrelationships, that you're more
valuable if you're married, morerespected if you're partnered,
(11:01):
more complete if you can bearand raise children.
More and more you don't callout these types of cultural
contexts, the more you start tobelieve that your worth is only
intact when you're with someone.
But the reality is, your worthis 100% whole, with or without a
man in your life.
It is untouched whether you'remarried, divorced, never married
(11:23):
.
You're not less because you'rea single parent.
You're not more because younurture children flawlessly.
You're not more because youhave a very high net worth.
None of this adds or takes awayfrom your worth.
If you can't have children, orhaven't found the right spouse,
or not choose to do any of that,that does not take away from
(11:45):
your divinely ordained value,the one that men also have, the
one that is measured only on thebasis of taqwa, belief in Allah
and nothing else.
You are worthy because Allahcreated you worthy.
No hierarchy can add to that,no relationship can validate it,
no absence of a partner cansubtract from it.
(12:08):
The system may be unequal, butyou are not.
And these hierarchical powerdynamics don't just happen.
They settle into your lifeslowly, subtly, when you forget
the balance and you trade it infor the belief that his way must
be the right way, that theman's logic, his tone, his order
(12:29):
, his decisions are more validthan yours.
That's what patriarchy trainsall of you to believe.
And when you buy into thatbelief, even if a little bit,
you unknowingly participate inyour own disempowerment.
And the solution while I mighthave promised you in the
beginning of the podcast that Imight not be able to give you
any.
But solution starts withawareness.
(12:51):
It starts with education.
It starts when you finally giveyourself language to describe
what you've been feeling foryears, language that reminds you
it's not your personality, it'sa socialized pattern.
It's not just you beingconfused, it's a consequence of
being raised in a world thatdevalues your kind of
intelligence.
(13:12):
So let me be clear about onething what I'm saying here is
not the toxic brand of feminismthat demands women to rise by
tearing men down.
I don't believe women need toburn men at the stake to reclaim
their power.
This is not what this is about.
I believe men and women werecreated equally.
(13:33):
Their difference is not intheir worth, and currently, if
you look at the world, the truthis men aren't given any
emotional intelligence education.
The same way, many women aren'tgiven any financial, legal or
academic education access Ifemotional intelligence doesn't
come naturally to some men, justlike linear logic-based
(13:55):
thinking might not comenaturally to some women, then
that means that we have toelevate men so they can come up
to par with the emotionalintelligence that women possess.
It does not mean one is better,it just means both are needed.
So in my approach and this ismy personal perspective I choose
to help men rise in theiremotional intelligence, not
(14:16):
because it's my job, but becauseI can, because I have tools
that they didn't even knowexisted and that they needed.
And if I love someone, whywouldn't I want them to meet me
where I'm growing?
Why wouldn't I want them tomeet me where I already have
strengths?
That being said, I also want tobe clear that it is not your
responsibility to educatesomeone who doesn't want to
(14:36):
learn, especially if they don'tsee the problem, especially if
his blind spots are hurting you.
You're not obligated to handout emotional development like
charity work, but you areresponsible for knowing this.
If you ever want to stop givingyour power away to a man who
thinks he knows better, not justabout his life, but also your
(14:57):
life, you have to start byknowing your own worth, deeply,
viscerally, at a cellular level,so you can stand up against
that injustice.
Because if you truly don'tbelieve there is no inherent
difference in worth between aman and a woman, you will
continue to keep handing overyour decisions.
You will defer to him whetheror not you should work, whether
(15:19):
or not you should go to school,whether you should marry inside
or outside your family, whetherto move across the world for a
marriage or to stay near yourfamily.
You will hand over your powerto a man in your life in name of
tradition, in the name of peace, in the name of respect.
But underneath all of this isan unspoken belief which is
(15:39):
maybe he really knows better.
That's the trap that patriarchycreates in your mind.
So, yes, you might feel stubborn, even defiant, about not
wanting to educate men onemotional intelligence, and I
totally get it.
I totally respect that thisinstinct is valid.
It should be his responsibilityto learn the skills he was
(16:00):
never taught.
He should care enough to grow,to stretch, to embody compassion
instead of control, to lead byexample rather than force.
He should do the work touncover his own blind spots and
biases.
So while I agree with thispoint of view wholeheartedly,
that it is his responsibility,you have to measure yourself
(16:20):
with the same measuring stick.
You have to hold yourselfaccountable for what is your
responsibility.
While you're holding himaccountable for his blind spot,
you must also hold yourselfaccountable for your own.
Your job and your responsibilityhere is to actively learn what
you were taught, to ignore.
You unlearn what's keeping yousmall.
You stop passively absorbingthe belief that someone else
(16:43):
should lead because they knowbetter.
Your job is to wake up to yourown mind, your own patterns,
your own internalized hierarchyand to create the change from
the inside out.
And yes, that is exactly why Icoach, not because I think
you're broken, but because Iknow the system has trained you
to forget how whole you alreadyare.
Coaching just happens to be theway I help women remember.
(17:07):
But you're free to create yourown transformation with whatever
tools that speak to you Read,reflect, create, speak, move, do
embodiment exercises, journal.
Whatever you do, do not wait,because your power is not
pending someone else's growth.
I do not coach to convinceanyone of their worth, but I do
(17:28):
work really hard to help themremember it.
Power imbalance in relationshipsbegins when women unconsciously
accept the patriarchal beliefthat the man's way is the right
way.
This creates hierarchy wherehis logic, his decisions, his
control over your finances, hislife choices are seen as more
valid.
True healing starts with justthis awareness giving your
(17:51):
experience more language andreclaiming your worth.
Not by blaming men not at allbut by recognizing your own
blind spots and activelychoosing change.
While it's not your job toeducate men who don't want to
learn, it is your responsibilityto know deeply and consistently
that your worth is equal.
(18:12):
It's your responsibility toknow what your blind spots are
and where you need growth andhealing.
No one is inherently morecapable of decision-making,
leadership or logic.
When you believe that you stophanding your power away, you
become a conscious participantin your life, regardless of the
system you were raised in.
(18:32):
With that I pray to Allah SWT.
Ya Allah, help me see my worththrough your eyes alone, not
through the lens of the culture,power or fear.
O Allah, anchor me in the truththat I was created, with wisdom
, with strength, with purpose.
Protect me from beliefs thatshrink me.
Guide me to choose what honorsmy soul.
(18:54):
Grant me the courage to hold myvoice sacred and the humility
to grow where I still cannot see.
Ameen, ya Rabbul Ameen, pleasekeep me in your du'as.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today's podcast is not a typicalstep-by-step coaching guide,
maybe not a lot of practicaladvice, but it's more of a
(00:27):
soapbox, a soul-led reflection,because this is a deep breath
that I needed.
Our family recently experienceda tragedy we lost a young
mother.
May Allah, subhanahu wa ta'ala,grant her jannah.
She passed away fromcomplications of pregnancy and
childbirth, and in all of themoments that followed, I've been
sitting with so many questionsabout womanhood, about sacrifice
(00:50):
, about what we currently callstrength and what we ignore in
the name of weakness.
And this episode is born fromthat place a space of grief,
reflection and a lot of hardtruths.
For a long time now, I've beenon a journey to reclaim a
balanced feminism definition Notthe version that's loud for the
sake of rebellion, not the onethat calls for silence in the
(01:13):
name of faith, but somethingthat's rooted in the divine and
is a balance, one thatrecognizes the sacredness of a
woman's voice, body and soul,one that recognizes the cultural
, religious and generationalsignificance of women, and I've
been trying to distill what'sreal, what's loving, what's just
.
Between the contemplation ofall of these deep questions,
(01:35):
what came up for me washierarchy.
If you've been someone who feltthe weight of imbalance in your
relationship, especially inyour marriage, this episode is
for you.
If you have ever questionedwhether your silence was piety
or self-abandonment, if you'veever wondered if your pain was
normal, if you ever questionedhow long it was going to go on,
(01:56):
if you ever tried to figure outhow many generations before you
endured it, if you've ever beengaslit into believing your worth
is tied to how well you serveothers, your questions lie on
the foundation of hierarchy andyou're not alone.
And I'm not going to be able togive you a clean list of
solutions today, but I am goingto create space, space to
acknowledge name and givelanguage to what's been long
(02:19):
unnamed and alhamdulillah.
It's not lost on me that justbeing able to ask these
questions is a privilege, and Ialso don't take it lightly that
I have this platform to be ableto voice my opinions and be able
to ask these questions andanswer them.
Culturally, women have beentaught to forget their inner
intelligence.
It's not that it doesn't exist.
(02:40):
It's not that it's less thanany other.
Not because you weren't capable, but because you were raised
inside a system that insistedthat male point of view is the
correct one.
And the explanation ofpatriarchy that I'm providing
right now is not directly linkedto the recent tragedy that I
described but, like I said, inthe deep reflection of the
questions that arose from thetragic death, I was called to
(03:02):
shed light on hierarchy.
So this is why I'm bringing uppatriarchy now.
So patriarchy itself didn't justtake your opportunities.
It stole your education, andnot just the academic kind with
degrees, diplomas and exams, butthe kind of education that
teaches you who you really arethrough your own lens, the kind
(03:22):
that includes spiritualknowledge, emotional literacy
and understanding of your rightsas a Muslim woman, that centers
you, not just the men aroundyou.
And when you grow up withoutthat kind of education, you
don't even know what you'remissing.
You become disconnected fromyour own voice, you confuse
silence with righteousness, youshrink yourself and you call it
(03:44):
humility.
You endure emotional pain andyou call it sabr.
And when you're unaware of yourown power, you can't see your
possibilities.
You don't apply for the job,you don't leave the unsafe
marriage, you don't speak in themasjid meeting, you don't
challenge the injustice in yourhome, not because you're weak,
(04:05):
but because you've been trainedto believe that you're not
allowed to want any of thesethings.
And the painful irony is thatwhen all of that happens, when
the opportunities pass you by,you end up proving the
oppressor's point that you'rebehind, that you're undefined,
uneducated, that you're not withthe times, that you're less
intelligent.
But this illusion isn't theresult of your failure.
(04:26):
It's a result of the sustaineddiscrimination.
It's a result of having yourintelligence measured by a
system that's designed to favoronly logical intelligence.
While that kind of intelligencecarries a lot of credibility, it
is not an all-or-nonephenomenon.
You have always had wisdom,maybe not the kind that gets you
a medical license or a lawdegree, at least yet, but you've
(04:49):
always had the kind of wisdomthat's all-encompassing, but the
kind that, if you were givenaccess to education and space to
grow, your wisdom would grow tomeet the challenge.
There is a kind of knowinginside you that doesn't need to
be proven with research, studiesor exams.
It's not easy for me to explainit or translate into a bullet
(05:09):
point, but it is absolutely real.
It's the wisdom that lives inyour body, the voice that you've
been trained to ignore, andthat wisdom is your birthright,
the feminine, the intuitive, theright brain, dominant
intelligence that's beendevalued ever since that written
word became the standard ofcredibility, linear logical
thinking, the kind mostcelebrated in the modern
(05:31):
educational system, and thisjust happens to align with the
male dominant cognitive leftbrain hemisphere strengths.
So when society began toprioritize what could be
measured, validated, explained,it also began to quietly label
everything else, like intuition,empathy, embodiment, emotion,
(05:53):
as irrational, weak and evenuseless.
And that's how misogyny becameintellectualized.
But in the wake of all of this,your inner intelligence never
left, it's just been dismissedand diminished.
And once you remember it, onceyou stop outsourcing your worth
and start listening to your ownvoice, you will see that it's
(06:14):
been there all along.
You may not have had a chanceto pass the MCAT or the bar exam
, but if you had the educationand the safety, you absolutely
could.
And some of you have passedreally difficult certification
exams.
So you do carry the linearintelligence as well.
And this is not arrogance, it'struth.
When women are resourced andrespected, we rise.
(06:35):
So, alhamdulillah.
Part of this reasoning is why Icreated the Empowered Muslim
Women program, not to give yousomething you're missing, but to
reconnect you with what youalready have.
You don't need fixing, you justneed witnessing.
You need a space that believesin your divine intelligence
before you even know that youhave it fully yourself.
(06:56):
Emw does not prove yourselfthrough someone else's framework
.
It helps you come back to yourown intelligence, because Allah
SWT never created a soul withoutan ability to heal, without its
own inner intelligence.
That includes you.
Patriarchy thrives on hierarchy.
It's built on a belief thatsomeone must be on top and
(07:19):
someone else beneath, and then,very often, woman is the one
expected to occupy the beneathposition, quietly, respectfully,
without questioning, and thisshows up in all sorts of subtle
and overt ways.
Let me supervise your spendingto make sure that you're not
doing it wrong.
While it might sound likeprotection, but it's really a
(07:40):
statement about power.
It says you don't get fullaccess to this resource until I
approve it, and that mindsetextends way beyond money.
It shows up in restrictionslike you can't be trusted to go
out unless you wear hijab orniqab, that women cannot be
trusted to carry their owndignity.
That is not why hijab wasordained.
And none of this is about faith.
(08:01):
This is all about control, andcontrol always feeds the power.
Differential and patriarchy initself creates a system that
pretends to educate women butwhile quietly limiting them at
the same time.
Instead of offering womenaccess to real wealth-building
knowledge, women are givenbudgeting tips.
(08:21):
Instead of being taught aboutinvestments, land ownership,
business strategy, retirementplanning, women are told to cut
coupons and track groceryspending.
It's a deliberate downshiftingof financial empowerment, and
that's just one example.
If you look around, you'll seedozens of normalized examples of
unequal access to resources,all disguised as tradition,
(08:44):
protection and even piety.
Examples like inheritance lawsthat are misspelled or distorted
to favor male relatives in away that ignores context or
fairness.
But what if, in 2025, thedaughter is the one who's been
caring and providing for theelderly parents?
What happens to the inheritancelaw then?
Or other examples like menbeing favored for religious
(09:08):
scholarships, speakingengagements and positions of
influence, while women arerelegated to children's halaqas,
women's halaqas or cooking forfundraisers.
Or women discouraged fromtraveling for education,
business or personal growth inthe guise of modesty and safety.
I will argue that currently,we're living in a society when
it's been the safest to travelas a woman, and examples like
(09:32):
healthcare decisions made bymale family members or a woman
being ashamed for prioritizingher own mental, physical and
sexual health, or women notbeing given education about
marital contracts, of nikah,that being treated as just
one-sided document.
Women's conditions aredismissed, overlooked, because
man's preference is what counts.
(09:53):
How much education does a youngMuslim girl get about what she
can put in her nikah contract?
I will argue that most littlegirls don't even learn that they
have a right to have somethingput in a nikah contract.
And these are all collective,not isolated incidents.
These are patterns, things thatinfluence the power structure,
patterns that ingrain in women asubconscious belief that you
(10:16):
exist in relation to someoneelse's authority, when, if you
study Islam, you will know thatrelationships are not meant to
be about hierarchy, not infriendship, not in parenting and
especially not in a marriage.
Marriage was designed to be amutual agreement, a place of
shared growth, shareddecision-making, mutual benefit
(10:38):
and a source of peace, above all, and in any relationship that
thrives only when one person hasthe higher power while the
other one submits, that's not apartnership, that's pure
imbalance.
So when you're told over andover again that your worth is
connected to having successfulrelationships, that you're more
valuable if you're married, morerespected if you're partnered,
(11:01):
more complete if you can bearand raise children.
More and more you don't callout these types of cultural
contexts, the more you start tobelieve that your worth is only
intact when you're with someone.
But the reality is, your worthis 100% whole, with or without a
man in your life.
It is untouched whether you'remarried, divorced, never married
(11:23):
.
You're not less because you'rea single parent.
You're not more because younurture children flawlessly.
You're not more because youhave a very high net worth.
None of this adds or takes awayfrom your worth.
If you can't have children, orhaven't found the right spouse,
or not choose to do any of that,that does not take away from
(11:45):
your divinely ordained value,the one that men also have, the
one that is measured only on thebasis of taqwa, belief in Allah
and nothing else.
You are worthy because Allahcreated you worthy.
No hierarchy can add to that,no relationship can validate it,
no absence of a partner cansubtract from it.
(12:08):
The system may be unequal, butyou are not.
And these hierarchical powerdynamics don't just happen.
They settle into your lifeslowly, subtly, when you forget
the balance and you trade it infor the belief that his way must
be the right way, that theman's logic, his tone, his order
(12:29):
, his decisions are more validthan yours.
That's what patriarchy trainsall of you to believe.
And when you buy into thatbelief, even if a little bit,
you unknowingly participate inyour own disempowerment.
And the solution while I mighthave promised you in the
beginning of the podcast that Imight not be able to give you
any.
But solution starts withawareness.
(12:51):
It starts with education.
It starts when you finally giveyourself language to describe
what you've been feeling foryears, language that reminds you
it's not your personality, it'sa socialized pattern.
It's not just you beingconfused, it's a consequence of
being raised in a world thatdevalues your kind of
intelligence.
(13:12):
So let me be clear about onething what I'm saying here is
not the toxic brand of feminismthat demands women to rise by
tearing men down.
I don't believe women need toburn men at the stake to reclaim
their power.
This is not what this is about.
I believe men and women werecreated equally.
(13:33):
Their difference is not intheir worth, and currently, if
you look at the world, the truthis men aren't given any
emotional intelligence education.
The same way, many women aren'tgiven any financial, legal or
academic education access Ifemotional intelligence doesn't
come naturally to some men, justlike linear logic-based
(13:55):
thinking might not comenaturally to some women, then
that means that we have toelevate men so they can come up
to par with the emotionalintelligence that women possess.
It does not mean one is better,it just means both are needed.
So in my approach and this ismy personal perspective I choose
to help men rise in theiremotional intelligence, not
(14:16):
because it's my job, but becauseI can, because I have tools
that they didn't even knowexisted and that they needed.
And if I love someone, whywouldn't I want them to meet me
where I'm growing?
Why wouldn't I want them tomeet me where I already have
strengths?
That being said, I also want tobe clear that it is not your
responsibility to educatesomeone who doesn't want to
(14:36):
learn, especially if they don'tsee the problem, especially if
his blind spots are hurting you.
You're not obligated to handout emotional development like
charity work, but you areresponsible for knowing this.
If you ever want to stop givingyour power away to a man who
thinks he knows better, not justabout his life, but also your
(14:57):
life, you have to start byknowing your own worth, deeply,
viscerally, at a cellular level,so you can stand up against
that injustice.
Because if you truly don'tbelieve there is no inherent
difference in worth between aman and a woman, you will
continue to keep handing overyour decisions.
You will defer to him whetheror not you should work, whether
(15:19):
or not you should go to school,whether you should marry inside
or outside your family, whetherto move across the world for a
marriage or to stay near yourfamily.
You will hand over your powerto a man in your life in name of
tradition, in the name of peace, in the name of respect.
But underneath all of this isan unspoken belief which is
(15:39):
maybe he really knows better.
That's the trap that patriarchycreates in your mind.
So, yes, you might feel stubborn, even defiant, about not
wanting to educate men onemotional intelligence, and I
totally get it.
I totally respect that thisinstinct is valid.
It should be his responsibilityto learn the skills he was
(16:00):
never taught.
He should care enough to grow,to stretch, to embody compassion
instead of control, to lead byexample rather than force.
He should do the work touncover his own blind spots and
biases.
So while I agree with thispoint of view wholeheartedly,
that it is his responsibility,you have to measure yourself
(16:20):
with the same measuring stick.
You have to hold yourselfaccountable for what is your
responsibility.
While you're holding himaccountable for his blind spot,
you must also hold yourselfaccountable for your own.
Your job and your responsibilityhere is to actively learn what
you were taught, to ignore.
You unlearn what's keeping yousmall.
You stop passively absorbingthe belief that someone else
(16:43):
should lead because they knowbetter.
Your job is to wake up to yourown mind, your own patterns,
your own internalized hierarchyand to create the change from
the inside out.
And yes, that is exactly why Icoach, not because I think
you're broken, but because Iknow the system has trained you
to forget how whole you alreadyare.
Coaching just happens to be theway I help women remember.
(17:07):
But you're free to create yourown transformation with whatever
tools that speak to you Read,reflect, create, speak, move, do
embodiment exercises, journal.
Whatever you do, do not wait,because your power is not
pending someone else's growth.
I do not coach to convinceanyone of their worth, but I do
(17:28):
work really hard to help themremember it.
Power imbalance in relationshipsbegins when women unconsciously
accept the patriarchal beliefthat the man's way is the right
way.
This creates hierarchy wherehis logic, his decisions, his
control over your finances, hislife choices are seen as more
valid.
True healing starts with justthis awareness giving your
(17:51):
experience more language andreclaiming your worth.
Not by blaming men not at allbut by recognizing your own
blind spots and activelychoosing change.
While it's not your job toeducate men who don't want to
learn, it is your responsibilityto know deeply and consistently
that your worth is equal.
(18:12):
It's your responsibility toknow what your blind spots are
and where you need growth andhealing.
No one is inherently morecapable of decision-making,
leadership or logic.
When you believe that you stophanding your power away, you
become a conscious participantin your life, regardless of the
system you were raised in.
(18:32):
With that I pray to Allah SWT.
Ya Allah, help me see my worththrough your eyes alone, not
through the lens of the culture,power or fear.
O Allah, anchor me in the truththat I was created, with wisdom
, with strength, with purpose.
Protect me from beliefs thatshrink me.
Guide me to choose what honorsmy soul.
(18:54):
Grant me the courage to hold myvoice sacred and the humility
to grow where I still cannot see.
Ameen, ya Rabbul Ameen, pleasekeep me in your du'as.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
The Breakfast Club
The World's Most Dangerous Morning Show, The Breakfast Club, With DJ Envy And Charlamagne Tha God!
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.