Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to Islamic
Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Regulate your nervous systemand that will fix everything.
This is a big promise fortoday's podcast, but it is so
(00:26):
important and it sounds ratherdramatic like, okay, calm down,
surely can't fix everything, butit actually can fix everything,
because a dysregulated nervoussystem is the hidden root of
most of your chaos.
It's not your husband, it's notyour children.
It's not your husband, it's notyour children, it's not your
(00:46):
boss, it's not your past, it'snot even your trauma.
It's the state your body isstuck in while trying to make
decisions, while trying to dealwith all of these things, while
trying to set boundaries, whiletrying to love people more, even
while trying to answer emails.
Survive injustice.
Chase your goals, everythingfrom the minute details of your
(01:09):
life to the bigger, visionarygoals.
First, let's define a nervoussystem.
Your nervous system is far morethan just a collection of
nerves.
It's actually a convergence ofembodied thinking and mindful
embodiment, top-down andbottom-up approach and vice
versa.
It's where raw sensation meetscognition, body sensations meets
(01:33):
thinking.
Imagine every thought, everyemotion and every physical
sensation.
All of this intertwined, isyour embodied.
Thinking is your nervous system.
This is your visceral gut level, knowing the way your body
interprets and responds to thelife's subtle signals.
This happens without waitingfor the mind to catch up.
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This is the bottom-up approachand it also includes a mindful
embodiment, which is the art ofbeing fully present with your
body, acknowledging thesensations, the heartbeat, the
tremors, the chills, as it isinterpreted by your mind, which
contributes to the narrative ofwho you are.
Your nervous system is bothyour mind and body narrative
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sentences, meaning making andsensations, experiences, living
and emotions.
And the way I would describe adysregulated nervous system is
this is a hijacked controlcenter.
This is when your body's threatdetection system is stuck in
overdrive, firing alarms forthings that aren't fires.
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You're reacting to a criticalemail as if you're being chased
by a lion.
This way you lose the abilityto tell the difference between
discomfort and danger, becausediscomfort sometimes is
necessary for growth.
Danger never is.
When you're stuck in thisoverdrive, everything feels like
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too much, even the things youprayed for, because they ask for
your expansion.
A dysregulated nervous systemis a biased narrator of your
life.
This is your internal voice,which is always suspicious,
cynical, hypervigilant,interpreting everything through
the lens of something's wrongwith me or with them, or with
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this situation.
You walk in the room and assumethat everyone hates you.
Your spouse is quiet and youassume that they've stopped
loving you.
You're not reading reality.
You are reading your ownnervous system's script, which,
again, is dysregulated.
Another way I'll describe adysregulated nervous system is
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an inconsistent power supply.
You're either frozen or numb.
You're either charged up andexplosive and you can't stay
grounded in your own body, oreverything feels overwhelming
that you shut down.
Conversations feel likeconfrontations.
Simple rest feels like anindulgence.
Even your joy feels unsafebecause your body is just
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bracing for it to end.
In a dysregulated nervous systemthere's an absolute end to
nuance.
It kills your ability to seethe gray areas.
You're either a failure or aperfectionist.
You're either safe or unsafe.
It's all or none phenomenon.
It's either all on me or noneof this is my fault.
(04:31):
Classic black and whitethinking.
A dysregulated nervous systemis where you've outsourced your
worth.
The self-worth gets handed overto external cues
accomplishments.
You only feel okay wheneveryone else is okay with you.
Any look from somebody, a wordfrom somebody an email reply.
(04:52):
All of that decides your peace.
You're not living from thecenter of your knowing, you're
living from the center ofsurvival.
This is the differentiation Imake in my Empowered Muslim
Woman program, where I talkabout your soulful intelligence,
which is your inner knowing,and the center of survival,
which is the Qarin-based primalbrain.
(05:13):
Okay, so now let me give you alittle bit of nuance and detail
about what a regulated nervoussystem is supposed to look like.
Being regulated does not meanthat you walk around like some
sort of Zen monk all the time.
It does not mean that you'reimmune to anger or jealousy or
sadness, shame or despair allvery basic human emotions.
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You still feel all of that witha regulated nervous system.
You will still have the urge toscream when your opinion is
dismissed.
You'll still feel jealousy whenyour friend buys a second
investment property and yourfinances are barely hanging on.
You still feel shame rise whenyour in-laws talk over you or
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when you snap at your child andyou instantly regret it.
But the difference when you doall of that with a regulated
nervous system is that it allowsyou to feel the emotion without
becoming it.
You notice the wave rising,sort of, and you ride it and you
choose your response, thatmoment of pause where you catch
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the first thought and you don'tlet it run the show.
That's the regulated nervoussystem.
You don't avoid pain.
You don't become universallypeaceful.
With a regulated nervous system.
You do feel the negativeemotions.
You just alchemize them.
Anger becomes a boundary.
A regulated nervous system doesnot act from anger, it
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alchemizes it.
It says I am not available forthis kind of conversation with
you anymore.
Jealousy becomes motivation.
A regulated nervous systemalchemizes it to say what if
this was also possible for me?
Shame becomes insight.
It says what part of me stillbelieves I'm unworthy.
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Part of me still believes I'munworthy.
Fear becomes focus.
It says this matters to me.
That's why I'm scared.
Sadness becomes clarity.
It says something here needsgrieving so I can move forward.
Something here needs myattention.
A regulated nervous system givesyou created power over your
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negative emotions.
You make something from them.
The contrast with all of theseand a dysregulated nervous
system is there's no pause,there's no creativity.
You are the emotion.
You don't feel anger, youbecome rage.
You don't feel shame.
You become unworthy.
You don't feel fear.
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You become paralyzed.
You're not using the emotion,the emotion is using you and the
outcomes become brokenconversations, confusion in
marriage, broken relationships,reactivity with your kids, awake
nights staring at the ceiling,unable to sleep, restlessness,
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anxiety.
Regulation does not make lifecompletely void of negative
emotions.
It just makes you stronger.
It gives your pain a job to do.
It transforms your reactioninto wisdom, your emotions into
movement, your life intosomething that you're building
instead of something you're justtrying to survive.
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And that is why a regulatednervous system changes
everything.
Trust me, it will fixeverything.
Regulation does not mean thatpeace replaces pain constantly.
It means that pain stopsdeciding your identity.
You cannot deal with traumafrom a dysregulated nervous
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system because the outcome willnever be in your favor.
Your body is trying to evolveout of survival mode while stuck
in survival mode, and this iswhere it becomes a cycle.
How are you supposed to respondto trauma from a regulated
nervous system when the traumais what dysregulated you in the
first place?
It's like asking for a drowningperson to build a boat.
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But there are answers, andanswers are that you build
regulation outside of the traumathrough safety, stillness,
relationship, breath, connection.
You heal around the woundbefore you touch it.
Sometimes you go side by side,resourcing yourself while
peeking gently towards what'swounded, what's hurt, trying to
address it along the way.
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And the powerful distinctionthat might change your entire
approach is while one definitionof trauma is a dysregulated
nervous system, anotherdefinition that serves you more
is that it sees trauma as itsown entity, something that's
separate.
The trauma is what happened.
The dysregulation is how yourbody responded, and that means
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you can change your relationshipwith the trauma.
You can come back to it laterwith steadier hands, a calmer
breath, a more regulated nervoussystem that knows how to stay
grounded, even while remembering.
And that's the difference.
That's where true healingbegins.
Healing is not in the traumaitself, but in the state you're
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in when you're finally turningback to face it, and that state
has to be regulated for you toface it successfully.
So, yes, put in the time andeffort to achieve a sustained,
regulated nervous system, notbecause you'll become immune to
emotion, but because you'llfinally stop being ruled by your
emotion.
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That don't serve your life.
Regulation does not mean youwon't feel anger.
It doesn't mean that you won'tcry or that you won't feel like
you have to be stoic or frozenat times.
It just means that you use youranger strategically.
It does not become blind ragethat burns your house down.
Regulated nervous system willturn the fire of anger into a
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righteous one that will lightyour way forward.
Your sadness and your tears andyour crying become a form of
clarity, not collapse.
Your stoic state becomesintentional, present and wise.
A regulated nervous systemdirects your intense negative
emotions towards a meaningfuloutcome, and I'll leave you with
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some examples, because this isvery important to imagine them
in real life and apply it toyour situations on a daily basis
.
If you get angry when yourhusband interrupts you in front
of others from a dysregulatedstate, you might scream or sulk
or shut down, but in a regulatedstate you will admit that that
bothered me and let's talk abouthow we can speak to each other
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in public next.
Now, anger has become aboundary, not a blow-up or a
relationship rupture.
If you feel sad because yourchild is struggling with
something in a dysregulatedstate, you'll sprint into trying
to fix everything, or you'llspiral into guilt for not being
a good enough mother or notbeing constantly present for him
.
In a regulated state, you sitwith the child, you validate
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their pain, you make space forthem.
You do all of that withoutrescuing, and the sadness all of
a sudden becomes connection,you feel an intense fear about
starting a new business.
In a dysregulated state, fearwill sound something like this
this is a sign for me to stop.
What if I fail?
What if nobody likes what I'mselling?
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I don't know what I'm doing.
In a regulated state, fearbecomes.
This matters to me.
Let me prepare well for successand move forward with
preparation.
Now fear has become a source ofyour focus.
If you feel excitement whensomething big and new and good
is about to happen because ofthe change you're implementing,
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in a dysregulated stateexcitement becomes cues for
panic.
You sabotage your joy before iteven begins.
But in a regulated state youstay grounded and present with
the excitement because it is ahigh energy emotion.
Joy will be an unfamiliaremotion.
If you haven't felt it that way, a dysregulated nervous system
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will flag it as danger.
A regulated nervous system willactually let you enjoy the
change and the progress you'remaking.
From that grounded state.
You'll let it build.
You'll move towards theexpansion and the abundance.
Now your excitement has becomemomentum evidence for your
success, evidence that your duasare being answered.
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So if you're living your lifewith a regulated nervous system,
it's not going to force you toleave a stoic, numb or quiet
life.
It's going to lead you tofinally live a meaningful life,
so that emotions don't hijackyour purpose.
They fuel it, because that'swhy Allah created all of the
emotions.
So, yes, I will stand by myoriginal statement Regulate your
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nervous system and it will fixeverything.
Inshallah, not because theworld becomes easier, but
because you deal with it easier.
You become the person whoresponds to the world instead of
reacting to it.
With that I pray to Allah,subhanahu wa ta'ala.
Ya Allah, settle my body whenit wants to panic.
Guide my breath when I forgethow to slow down.
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Quiet the noise in my mind thattells me it's not safe enough,
when it actually is.
Ya Allah, let my emotions serveme.
Let my anger build boundaries.
Let my sadness connect me.
Let my fear sharpen my focus.
Let my reaction turn intowisdom.
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Ya Rabbul Ameen, let everyfeeling move me closer to you.
Give me a nervous system thatremembers you in the middle of
stress, heartache, joy andluxury.
Ya Allah, regulate my nervoussystem so I can rise and use it
as a form of worship to you, soI can lead, so I can live with
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meaning.
Ameen, ya Rabbul Ameen, pleasekeep me in your daas.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.