November 25, 2025 • 24 mins
Feeling buried under patriarchy, debt, burnout, or a broken marriage market? We unpack why the brain loves dramatic, unsolvable questions and how a simple shift to better, smaller questions gives you leverage today. Instead of spiraling at the scale of the system, we move to the smallest useful unit of change: one thought, one boundary, one action. Along the way, we challenge the default brain’s obsession with efficiency that recycles fear, and we offer a faith-rooted, practical path back to agency.
We explore how financial literacy breaks scarcity loops, how small investments and savings strategies reduce emotional dependence on policy or news cycles, and how fear-based money choices keep us stuck. We examine healthcare’s treatment-over-prevention bias and outline how regulating your nervous system, protecting sleep, and honoring early body signals quietly undermine a sick-care economy. We reframe racism and sexism by asking questions that preserve dignity and safety...what response aligns with who I want to be, what boundary keeps me safe so your day-to-day experience changes even before the system does.
For those navigating marriage fears, we trade generalizations for criteria: clear red flags, green flags, emotional safety markers, and non-negotiables. We connect all of this with a simple engine of change: thoughts shape emotions, emotions drive actions, actions build outcomes. Leaders will recognize the same mechanics at scale: one decision, one team, one metric at a time. The theme stays steady...systems don’t shift because we obsess over them; they shift when we stop participating unknowingly and start acting with skill, clarity, and faith.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:04):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, Dr.
Donald After.
SPEAKER_01 (00:15):
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today I want to talk to you guysabout a pattern that I see very
commonly in my coaching that hasto do with the hyperbole of the
brain.
Meaning the brain makingelaborate stories around the
unsolvable.
Our default brain likes topresent problems in an
(00:36):
unsolvable way, which makes nosense if you think about it
because neuroscience also says,and I also tell you guys, that
it's the brain's primary job tosolve problems and to make
meaning.
But the distinction I'm tryingto make here is that the nupti
self, the primal default self,is different than the higher
primordial self, and this lowerself likes to recycle problems
(01:01):
in the same way in the name ofefficiency.
If you've ever faced a problemand ask yourself why can't I
seem to get a grip on this?
Then the lower brain will usethis as permission and ask you
the same unsolvable questions ina hyperbole.
It will continue to create theproblem bigger and bigger in
your mind because you've givenit permission to do so once.
(01:25):
If you think about themotivational triad that the
default brain operates from, oneof the three pillars of the
triad include conserving energy,meaning keeping things the same
and as efficient as possible.
That means if you're facing aproblem and your brain once
asked an unhelpful question andsaid why does this economy have
(01:46):
to be so bad?
Why can't I start a business?
Or things like that, then itgets easier for the brain to ask
the same or similar question thenext time.
Similar questions along thoselines that the brain will
present to you in the name ofefficiency, in the name of it
performing its job to thehighest capacity, meaning we're
(02:07):
talking about the default brain,and the highest capacity being
efficiency.
It will say things like why doesthis always happen to me?
Why don't things work out forme?
Why didn't my parents createfinancial independence?
Default brain will continue torecycle the same old emotional
patterns, making the problembigger in the mind, without
(02:28):
really offering any solutions.
And this is nothing new, I'vetalked about this concept in my
podcast in detail, but what I'mtrying to allude to today is
when I run workshops or when I'mdoing my live trainings or Zoom
webinars, one of the most commonways that this question gets
asked is at the systemic level.
Meaning women ask me, what am Isupposed to do when patriarchy
(02:52):
and misogyny is so common?
How am I supposed to get out ofdebt when American economy is
built on loans and interests?
How are we supposed to create ahealed nervous system when we
have generational trauma?
How am I supposed to feel safein saying yes to a marriage when
culture doesn't teach a womanhow to be confident?
(03:12):
Women asking these questionsthat are applied to the big
systemic problem.
The pattern behind thesequestions being the big systemic
problems of patriarchy, Americaneconomy, generational trauma,
culture, and on and on it goes.
The question is being asked in amanner of hyperbole by the
(03:34):
brain.
Where for me to even startanswering that question, I would
have to start at the systemiclevel, which I can at the
theoretical level, but systemsare only in any one person's
control at a time.
So then how do we solve thesebig systemic problems?
Children being addicted toscreens these days, more and
(03:55):
more Muslims being diagnosedwith mental health problems.
And the way you solve all ofthese systemic problems is at an
individual level.
And I want this to sink in, Iwant this to become a part of
the fiber of your being.
All systemic problems are solvedat an individual level.
The problems of economic greed,when the profit flows one way,
(04:20):
tax breaks favor billionaires,structural inequities that you
and I feel in our daily livesare always ultimately solved at
an individual level.
System is not going to becomemagically fair overnight, but
I'm asking you to stop askingquestions with the hyperbole of
(04:40):
the lower brain, which itpresents to you in an unsolvable
manner.
What we're doing by posing thesequestions at an individual level
is we're making your nervoussystem strong enough so it
doesn't collapse under theweight of this system, this huge
problem.
We expose the flaws at thesystemic level, but we solve
(05:03):
them at an individual level.
When you as an individual gainsenough clarity and confidence or
enough economic intelligence andfinancial literacy, you will
stop participating in the oldpattern, even if it is huge and
systemic.
When you study financialliteracy, when you build savings
(05:25):
strategy, when you invest evenfifty dollars a month, when you
stop making fear baseddecisions, you break the profit
cycle for the system.
When you learn how money works,suddenly the same billionaire's
tax break is no longer thecenter of your emotional life.
When you build a second passiveincome stream, the one way
(05:48):
profit flow that you were soworried about doesn't have the
same grip on you.
When you teach your child how tomanage scarcity without
internalizing it, you'redisrupting the generational
patterns that entire governmentsrely on.
This is why I keep saying and Iwill keep saying throughout this
podcast is you don't fix asystemic problem by obsessing
(06:12):
over the system.
Even though that's what yourmind continues to insist on.
You fix the systemic problem bystrengthening the individual who
is living inside the system.
Your skill is the antidote tothis big picture problem.
And one emotionally regulated,financially literate woman has
(06:33):
the power to shift the system.
This is how change begins insideone nervous system at a time.
Let's say it's the crisis ofhealthcare and there's burden of
chronic disease and a completeomission of preventative care by
your primary care providers.
These are real systemicfailures.
(06:53):
Billions of dollars are pouredinto managing illness instead of
preventing it.
Entire industries are built onkeeping people dependent on
pharmaceuticals.
But even these massive, deeplylayered systemic problems get
solved at an individual level.
You as one individual personwill strengthen their
(07:15):
relationship with their ownbody.
When you regulate your nervoussystem, when you understand your
stress response, when you stopnormalizing burnout, when you
learn the early signals thatbody gives you that might hint
illness, and when you starttaking preventative care
seriously, you are alreadyworking against the system that
(07:35):
you thought was otherwise strongand so overwhelming.
This way after identifying thesystemic problem, you're gonna
come out of complaining aboutit.
Chronic disease thrives indysregulated bodies.
Illness accelerates when stressbecomes a personality.
So the more you reconnect withyour own physiology, the more
(07:56):
you sleep well, eat well, restwell, the more you're gonna
think well, and the more yourbody is gonna respond well.
And by extension, this wayyou're participating less and
less in the system that benefitsoff of your illness.
The system problem is notmagically disappearing.
All it's happening here is it'slosing its power over you as an
(08:20):
individual, who is becoming moreself-attuned, more emotionally
intelligent, more skilled atself-advocacy and preventative
care.
The system is no longer able torely on your ignorance to
sustain itself.
This is what I mean when I saysolution begins inside one
individual mind and body.
(08:41):
If you want to solve the problemof systemic racism, you might
find yourself saying things likewhy are people like this?
Why is a society so hateful?
And while you might be thinkingthat you're posing harmless
questions, your brain will go towork in answering these
questions because again, it'sthe brain's primary job to
answer questions.
(09:02):
It will answer you by presentingthe evidence of how hateful
people are and how cruel theworld is.
But these questions and theiranswers will not move you
forward.
They will not help you come outof systemic racism.
This will only reinforce yourhelplessness as a minority.
But when you shift to yourindividual capacity, you ask
(09:25):
questions in a powerful way.
Things like how do I keep mydignity in the system?
What response aligns with who Iwant to be?
What boundaries will keep mesafe?
The way you answer thesequestions at an individual
level, you access solutions thatwill change your day to day
experience, and they will putyou on a path to success with
(09:48):
the same minority identity thatyou've always carried.
You are not fixing racismitself.
You're fixing its impact on yourmind, on your heart, on your
nervous system.
And when enough individualsstrengthen themselves at this
level, racism will have no placeto go.
Racist systems only change withone emotionally empowered human
(10:11):
being at a time.
If you are worried that you'renot going to be able to find a
righteous spouse because ofnarcissism and how it feels like
a systemic problem nowadaysamong Muslim men, then the way
to come out of this fear is notasking bigger and impossible
questions about the system.
It's by asking higher qualityquestions about your individual
(10:34):
power.
The lower brain is going tocontinue to love asking
dramatic, unhelpful questions.
Why are Muslim men like this?
Why is the marriage market sobroken?
Why do women always have tosuffer?
Why can't men just beemotionally mature?
These questions will onlyhighlight more and more of the
(10:55):
systemic, unsolvable problemthat recycle fear.
They will not move your lifeforward.
Higher quality questions willput you back in the power, and
these are questions like whatsigns do I need to look for that
indicate emotional safety insomeone else?
What qualities matter most to mein the life I want to build?
(11:17):
What are my non negotiable redflags?
How do I strengthen my ownemotional boundaries so I can
stop normalizing unhealthybehavior?
These questions give you answersthat you can actually use today
because they apply to you at anindividual level.
And maybe one of the answers tothese questions is the two part
(11:39):
podcast series that I did onnarcissism.
I literally give you the redflags, the green flags, the
emotional patterns, and the selfprotection tools.
That's how systemic fears becomesolvable at an individual level.
The same pattern applies ifyou're worried about the
cultural problem of sexism,where majority of people,
(12:00):
including women, consider womenis inferior.
The lower brain immediatelyjumps to questions that will
make you feel tiny in front of agiant system.
Why is my culture so backwards?
Why do women have to suffer forgenerations?
Empowering questions will lookcompletely different.
Which will be how do I setboundaries in a way that honors
(12:22):
my Deen and my dignity?
What part of this culturalmessage is no longer aligning
with my womanhood?
How do I build confidence inmyself as a woman?
How do I strengthen myrelationship with Allah Swanalah
and the Deen so I feel supportedwhile challenging all of these
unhealthy norms?
(12:42):
You are solving a systemicproblem at your own individual
level.
You are asking questions thatgive you tools.
At this point I want to shiftgears a little bit.
I want to tell you guys that theproblem isn't that any of these
questions are invalid.
Both the primal default brainquestions are valid as well as
(13:04):
the higher quality questions.
Every question that arises inyour mind has truth to it, and
your brain is designed to provethat truth back to you.
Whatever question you ask, itwill prove it.
If you believe that the world isrigged against women trying to
rise out of poverty, your brainwill find fifty pieces of
(13:26):
evidence before breakfast tosupport that exact claim.
That is what your brain does.
It confirms whatever lens you'realready looking through.
And the point isn't whichquestion is true and which
question isn't.
All of them may carry certaintruths.
The point is that the part thatactually changes your life, are
(13:48):
you paying attention to that?
And which question moves youtowards your goal?
Which question here will helpyou rise out of poverty?
Which question here will helpyou raise righteous children?
Which question will help youstay emotionally intelligent and
connected to Allah?
The difference between the Napsiself, which recycles the same
(14:11):
dramatic questions in the nameof efficiency, and the
primordial self that is the Ruhthat is directly from Allah
Spanatala, which asks questionsthat build your capacity and
guide you towards solutions.
Your choice lies between thesetwo, not between asking a more
true question than any other.
(14:32):
You're choosing between aquestion that keeps you stuck
and a question that moves youforward, not a question that is
alive versus the truth.
Every expansive, overwhelmingproblem that your brain presents
about the systemic problem issolved at an individual level.
If your brain continues topresent to you that the problem
(14:54):
is big, then you will have nooption but to come up with a big
solution.
Even people who operate at ahigher, more influential level
in a society, like the CEOs,politicians, principals,
community leaders, businessowners, if you're operating at
that level, you're still solvingindividual problems.
(15:16):
You're not solving the system.
You are just solving the problemthat is currently in front of
you.
You're solving the problem thatis within your system.
It might look like to anoutsider that you're solving
huge systemic issues becauseyour scope of influence might be
bigger than anyone else.
Your decisions will affect morepeople in these powerful
(15:39):
positions, just like yourmistakes will affect more
people, and your wins willaffect more people.
But the mechanics of how you aresolving systemic problems is
only at your individual level.
You solve the individual issuethat is right in front of you
inside your immediate circle ofcontrol, inside your own
(15:59):
capacity, inside the domain thatyou've been entrusted with and
you've taken upon yourself.
As a CEO, you don't solve theeconomy.
You solve the question how do Ikeep my company as profitable as
possible this quarter?
As a school principal, you don'tsolve the education crisis.
(16:20):
You solve the question how do Isupport teachers in this
building so we can promotestudent learning?
As a politician, you don't fixthe entire nation.
You make one decision at a timebased on the information that
you have in front of you, withinyour role.
Even the Prophet SallallahuAlaihi Wasallam, who carried the
(16:42):
greatest leadership role inhistory, changed the world
through each individual problem,having conversations, individual
corrections, personal acts ofguidance.
And if you're a leader in yourindustry, a physician, a coach,
a school board member, anentrepreneur, and your brain
still gets stuck because you'retrying to solve a systemic
(17:04):
problem through unhelpful,dramatic questions, just come to
this awareness that you might beasking questions in a way that
collapse your capacity insteadof expanding it.
Just gently remind yourself thatthe system is always solved
through one regulated humanbeing at a time, through one
empowered decision at a time.
(17:26):
When you shift your focus fromthe overwhelming systemic
problem to one actionableindividual item that you can do,
your capacity opens.
You will suddenly have access tosolutions that were otherwise
invisible to you under theweight of the bigger question.
So when my brain asks anenormous question like how do I
(17:48):
fix the mental health crisis inour community?
Or how do I stop the burnoutculture that everyone seems to
be trapped in?
Or how do I protect my childrenwhen the entire digital world
feels unsafe?
My default brain just like anyother functions very well at
bringing up the systemic issues.
(18:09):
It tries to convince me that theproblem is too big, the world is
too messy, and my role as anindividual is too small.
But my highest self knows I onlyneed an individual solution.
I only need to ask one rightquestion about my life.
(18:29):
I only need to address whatsupports my mental health today.
How can I make a change in onewoman's life?
What do I need to do to pullmyself out of burnout?
What loving boundaries do I needto create to protect my children
from the harms of the internet?
You also only need to make yourstandards clear.
(18:52):
You need to choose how you willlead your home, your day, your
society.
Your entire contribution to thesystem comes from how you show
up at the micro level of yourown decisions.
And there is nothing morepowerful than that, not even the
systems.
Shame based religious educationis a cultural and systemic
(19:15):
problem.
Expectations of overworking inthe corporate and the healthcare
world is a systemic problem.
Lack of minority representationin leadership positions is a
systemic problem.
Scarcity of resources availablefor mothers towards childcare,
multigenerational enmeshment,wage gap and underpayment of
(19:37):
women, screen addiction andoverstimulation due to digital
media, stigmatization aroundtherapy, inflation that's
outpacing the income.
These are all systemic problems.
And your brain is going to wantto focus on the hyperbole of
these big, overwhelming issues.
(19:58):
It will keep presenting them toyou in a way that feels
unsolvable.
Your responsibility afterlistening to this podcast is
just to be curious about whereyour influence lies.
Be curious about what you can dofrom inside these systems that
help you today.
(20:18):
When you make the problemmanageable at an individual
level, your power will come intofocus, the power that you've
always had.
And this power is exertedthrough your thoughts.
Your thoughts are in yourcontrol, they shape your
emotions.
Your emotions drive youractions, your actions create
(20:40):
your life.
So by extension, every systemicproblem that you're worried
about is solved the same way,one thought at a time, one
boundary at a time, one decisionat a time.
That is how you not only riseinside a flawed system, you fix
it.
(21:00):
That is how the systemeventually changes through your
courage as an individual whostop being weighed down by the
weight of the unsolvablesystemic problem.
And I'm not even saying that youhave to take responsibility of
fixing anything.
I'm not saying you have tobecome the spokesperson for the
economic reform of the entiregeneration or the savior of the
(21:24):
marriage crisis.
I'm not even suggesting that youeven make changes.
I'm simply showing you themechanism of change in case you
do identify a problem thataffects your life and that you
want to influence.
If you feel a pull and aninclination towards something
that you want to change, I'mjust showing you how that change
(21:46):
actually happens.
Because when you understand thismechanism, you're gonna stop
waiting for the system tochange.
You're gonna stop waiting forthe economy to get better.
You will create success in thisvery economy.
You will stop waiting for thehealthcare system to prioritize
prevention, for your communityto suddenly become more open to
(22:08):
topics around mental health.
You will stop waiting for theworld to shift before you allow
yourself to shift.
If something matters to you, ifsomething touches your life,
limits you, frustrates you,hurts you, your path forward
will begin inside your own mind.
(22:28):
Your thoughts that create youremotional capacity that will
shape your actions that solvethe problem.
The reason I'm teaching you thisis because when you understand
that change starts with onethought, you will stop feeling
powerless immediately and youwill immediately feel better
about where your influence lies.
(22:49):
All of this not because you'reaiming to fix the system, or
maybe you are, but my point isthe system will invariably
change because you're no longerletting the system determine
your possibility.
With that I pray to Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala, O Allah,
guide my mind towards thethoughts that strengthen me.
(23:11):
Show me the next step that arewithin my control and protect me
from feeling overwhelmed by theproblems of the world.
Ya Allah, anchor me in the smallactions that you have placed
within my capacity and grant mesteadiness towards them.
Grant me through my thoughts onepowerful solution at a time.
(23:31):
Amin Ya Rabul Alameen.
Please keep me in your du'as.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, Dr.
Donald After.
SPEAKER_01 (00:15):
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today I want to talk to you guysabout a pattern that I see very
commonly in my coaching that hasto do with the hyperbole of the
brain.
Meaning the brain makingelaborate stories around the
unsolvable.
Our default brain likes topresent problems in an
(00:36):
unsolvable way, which makes nosense if you think about it
because neuroscience also says,and I also tell you guys, that
it's the brain's primary job tosolve problems and to make
meaning.
But the distinction I'm tryingto make here is that the nupti
self, the primal default self,is different than the higher
primordial self, and this lowerself likes to recycle problems
(01:01):
in the same way in the name ofefficiency.
If you've ever faced a problemand ask yourself why can't I
seem to get a grip on this?
Then the lower brain will usethis as permission and ask you
the same unsolvable questions ina hyperbole.
It will continue to create theproblem bigger and bigger in
your mind because you've givenit permission to do so once.
(01:25):
If you think about themotivational triad that the
default brain operates from, oneof the three pillars of the
triad include conserving energy,meaning keeping things the same
and as efficient as possible.
That means if you're facing aproblem and your brain once
asked an unhelpful question andsaid why does this economy have
(01:46):
to be so bad?
Why can't I start a business?
Or things like that, then itgets easier for the brain to ask
the same or similar question thenext time.
Similar questions along thoselines that the brain will
present to you in the name ofefficiency, in the name of it
performing its job to thehighest capacity, meaning we're
(02:07):
talking about the default brain,and the highest capacity being
efficiency.
It will say things like why doesthis always happen to me?
Why don't things work out forme?
Why didn't my parents createfinancial independence?
Default brain will continue torecycle the same old emotional
patterns, making the problembigger in the mind, without
(02:28):
really offering any solutions.
And this is nothing new, I'vetalked about this concept in my
podcast in detail, but what I'mtrying to allude to today is
when I run workshops or when I'mdoing my live trainings or Zoom
webinars, one of the most commonways that this question gets
asked is at the systemic level.
Meaning women ask me, what am Isupposed to do when patriarchy
(02:52):
and misogyny is so common?
How am I supposed to get out ofdebt when American economy is
built on loans and interests?
How are we supposed to create ahealed nervous system when we
have generational trauma?
How am I supposed to feel safein saying yes to a marriage when
culture doesn't teach a womanhow to be confident?
(03:12):
Women asking these questionsthat are applied to the big
systemic problem.
The pattern behind thesequestions being the big systemic
problems of patriarchy, Americaneconomy, generational trauma,
culture, and on and on it goes.
The question is being asked in amanner of hyperbole by the
(03:34):
brain.
Where for me to even startanswering that question, I would
have to start at the systemiclevel, which I can at the
theoretical level, but systemsare only in any one person's
control at a time.
So then how do we solve thesebig systemic problems?
Children being addicted toscreens these days, more and
(03:55):
more Muslims being diagnosedwith mental health problems.
And the way you solve all ofthese systemic problems is at an
individual level.
And I want this to sink in, Iwant this to become a part of
the fiber of your being.
All systemic problems are solvedat an individual level.
The problems of economic greed,when the profit flows one way,
(04:20):
tax breaks favor billionaires,structural inequities that you
and I feel in our daily livesare always ultimately solved at
an individual level.
System is not going to becomemagically fair overnight, but
I'm asking you to stop askingquestions with the hyperbole of
(04:40):
the lower brain, which itpresents to you in an unsolvable
manner.
What we're doing by posing thesequestions at an individual level
is we're making your nervoussystem strong enough so it
doesn't collapse under theweight of this system, this huge
problem.
We expose the flaws at thesystemic level, but we solve
(05:03):
them at an individual level.
When you as an individual gainsenough clarity and confidence or
enough economic intelligence andfinancial literacy, you will
stop participating in the oldpattern, even if it is huge and
systemic.
When you study financialliteracy, when you build savings
(05:25):
strategy, when you invest evenfifty dollars a month, when you
stop making fear baseddecisions, you break the profit
cycle for the system.
When you learn how money works,suddenly the same billionaire's
tax break is no longer thecenter of your emotional life.
When you build a second passiveincome stream, the one way
(05:48):
profit flow that you were soworried about doesn't have the
same grip on you.
When you teach your child how tomanage scarcity without
internalizing it, you'redisrupting the generational
patterns that entire governmentsrely on.
This is why I keep saying and Iwill keep saying throughout this
podcast is you don't fix asystemic problem by obsessing
(06:12):
over the system.
Even though that's what yourmind continues to insist on.
You fix the systemic problem bystrengthening the individual who
is living inside the system.
Your skill is the antidote tothis big picture problem.
And one emotionally regulated,financially literate woman has
(06:33):
the power to shift the system.
This is how change begins insideone nervous system at a time.
Let's say it's the crisis ofhealthcare and there's burden of
chronic disease and a completeomission of preventative care by
your primary care providers.
These are real systemicfailures.
(06:53):
Billions of dollars are pouredinto managing illness instead of
preventing it.
Entire industries are built onkeeping people dependent on
pharmaceuticals.
But even these massive, deeplylayered systemic problems get
solved at an individual level.
You as one individual personwill strengthen their
(07:15):
relationship with their ownbody.
When you regulate your nervoussystem, when you understand your
stress response, when you stopnormalizing burnout, when you
learn the early signals thatbody gives you that might hint
illness, and when you starttaking preventative care
seriously, you are alreadyworking against the system that
(07:35):
you thought was otherwise strongand so overwhelming.
This way after identifying thesystemic problem, you're gonna
come out of complaining aboutit.
Chronic disease thrives indysregulated bodies.
Illness accelerates when stressbecomes a personality.
So the more you reconnect withyour own physiology, the more
(07:56):
you sleep well, eat well, restwell, the more you're gonna
think well, and the more yourbody is gonna respond well.
And by extension, this wayyou're participating less and
less in the system that benefitsoff of your illness.
The system problem is notmagically disappearing.
All it's happening here is it'slosing its power over you as an
(08:20):
individual, who is becoming moreself-attuned, more emotionally
intelligent, more skilled atself-advocacy and preventative
care.
The system is no longer able torely on your ignorance to
sustain itself.
This is what I mean when I saysolution begins inside one
individual mind and body.
(08:41):
If you want to solve the problemof systemic racism, you might
find yourself saying things likewhy are people like this?
Why is a society so hateful?
And while you might be thinkingthat you're posing harmless
questions, your brain will go towork in answering these
questions because again, it'sthe brain's primary job to
answer questions.
(09:02):
It will answer you by presentingthe evidence of how hateful
people are and how cruel theworld is.
But these questions and theiranswers will not move you
forward.
They will not help you come outof systemic racism.
This will only reinforce yourhelplessness as a minority.
But when you shift to yourindividual capacity, you ask
(09:25):
questions in a powerful way.
Things like how do I keep mydignity in the system?
What response aligns with who Iwant to be?
What boundaries will keep mesafe?
The way you answer thesequestions at an individual
level, you access solutions thatwill change your day to day
experience, and they will putyou on a path to success with
(09:48):
the same minority identity thatyou've always carried.
You are not fixing racismitself.
You're fixing its impact on yourmind, on your heart, on your
nervous system.
And when enough individualsstrengthen themselves at this
level, racism will have no placeto go.
Racist systems only change withone emotionally empowered human
(10:11):
being at a time.
If you are worried that you'renot going to be able to find a
righteous spouse because ofnarcissism and how it feels like
a systemic problem nowadaysamong Muslim men, then the way
to come out of this fear is notasking bigger and impossible
questions about the system.
It's by asking higher qualityquestions about your individual
(10:34):
power.
The lower brain is going tocontinue to love asking
dramatic, unhelpful questions.
Why are Muslim men like this?
Why is the marriage market sobroken?
Why do women always have tosuffer?
Why can't men just beemotionally mature?
These questions will onlyhighlight more and more of the
(10:55):
systemic, unsolvable problemthat recycle fear.
They will not move your lifeforward.
Higher quality questions willput you back in the power, and
these are questions like whatsigns do I need to look for that
indicate emotional safety insomeone else?
What qualities matter most to mein the life I want to build?
(11:17):
What are my non negotiable redflags?
How do I strengthen my ownemotional boundaries so I can
stop normalizing unhealthybehavior?
These questions give you answersthat you can actually use today
because they apply to you at anindividual level.
And maybe one of the answers tothese questions is the two part
(11:39):
podcast series that I did onnarcissism.
I literally give you the redflags, the green flags, the
emotional patterns, and the selfprotection tools.
That's how systemic fears becomesolvable at an individual level.
The same pattern applies ifyou're worried about the
cultural problem of sexism,where majority of people,
(12:00):
including women, consider womenis inferior.
The lower brain immediatelyjumps to questions that will
make you feel tiny in front of agiant system.
Why is my culture so backwards?
Why do women have to suffer forgenerations?
Empowering questions will lookcompletely different.
Which will be how do I setboundaries in a way that honors
(12:22):
my Deen and my dignity?
What part of this culturalmessage is no longer aligning
with my womanhood?
How do I build confidence inmyself as a woman?
How do I strengthen myrelationship with Allah Swanalah
and the Deen so I feel supportedwhile challenging all of these
unhealthy norms?
(12:42):
You are solving a systemicproblem at your own individual
level.
You are asking questions thatgive you tools.
At this point I want to shiftgears a little bit.
I want to tell you guys that theproblem isn't that any of these
questions are invalid.
Both the primal default brainquestions are valid as well as
(13:04):
the higher quality questions.
Every question that arises inyour mind has truth to it, and
your brain is designed to provethat truth back to you.
Whatever question you ask, itwill prove it.
If you believe that the world isrigged against women trying to
rise out of poverty, your brainwill find fifty pieces of
(13:26):
evidence before breakfast tosupport that exact claim.
That is what your brain does.
It confirms whatever lens you'realready looking through.
And the point isn't whichquestion is true and which
question isn't.
All of them may carry certaintruths.
The point is that the part thatactually changes your life, are
(13:48):
you paying attention to that?
And which question moves youtowards your goal?
Which question here will helpyou rise out of poverty?
Which question here will helpyou raise righteous children?
Which question will help youstay emotionally intelligent and
connected to Allah?
The difference between the Napsiself, which recycles the same
(14:11):
dramatic questions in the nameof efficiency, and the
primordial self that is the Ruhthat is directly from Allah
Spanatala, which asks questionsthat build your capacity and
guide you towards solutions.
Your choice lies between thesetwo, not between asking a more
true question than any other.
(14:32):
You're choosing between aquestion that keeps you stuck
and a question that moves youforward, not a question that is
alive versus the truth.
Every expansive, overwhelmingproblem that your brain presents
about the systemic problem issolved at an individual level.
If your brain continues topresent to you that the problem
(14:54):
is big, then you will have nooption but to come up with a big
solution.
Even people who operate at ahigher, more influential level
in a society, like the CEOs,politicians, principals,
community leaders, businessowners, if you're operating at
that level, you're still solvingindividual problems.
(15:16):
You're not solving the system.
You are just solving the problemthat is currently in front of
you.
You're solving the problem thatis within your system.
It might look like to anoutsider that you're solving
huge systemic issues becauseyour scope of influence might be
bigger than anyone else.
Your decisions will affect morepeople in these powerful
(15:39):
positions, just like yourmistakes will affect more
people, and your wins willaffect more people.
But the mechanics of how you aresolving systemic problems is
only at your individual level.
You solve the individual issuethat is right in front of you
inside your immediate circle ofcontrol, inside your own
(15:59):
capacity, inside the domain thatyou've been entrusted with and
you've taken upon yourself.
As a CEO, you don't solve theeconomy.
You solve the question how do Ikeep my company as profitable as
possible this quarter?
As a school principal, you don'tsolve the education crisis.
(16:20):
You solve the question how do Isupport teachers in this
building so we can promotestudent learning?
As a politician, you don't fixthe entire nation.
You make one decision at a timebased on the information that
you have in front of you, withinyour role.
Even the Prophet SallallahuAlaihi Wasallam, who carried the
(16:42):
greatest leadership role inhistory, changed the world
through each individual problem,having conversations, individual
corrections, personal acts ofguidance.
And if you're a leader in yourindustry, a physician, a coach,
a school board member, anentrepreneur, and your brain
still gets stuck because you'retrying to solve a systemic
(17:04):
problem through unhelpful,dramatic questions, just come to
this awareness that you might beasking questions in a way that
collapse your capacity insteadof expanding it.
Just gently remind yourself thatthe system is always solved
through one regulated humanbeing at a time, through one
empowered decision at a time.
(17:26):
When you shift your focus fromthe overwhelming systemic
problem to one actionableindividual item that you can do,
your capacity opens.
You will suddenly have access tosolutions that were otherwise
invisible to you under theweight of the bigger question.
So when my brain asks anenormous question like how do I
(17:48):
fix the mental health crisis inour community?
Or how do I stop the burnoutculture that everyone seems to
be trapped in?
Or how do I protect my childrenwhen the entire digital world
feels unsafe?
My default brain just like anyother functions very well at
bringing up the systemic issues.
(18:09):
It tries to convince me that theproblem is too big, the world is
too messy, and my role as anindividual is too small.
But my highest self knows I onlyneed an individual solution.
I only need to ask one rightquestion about my life.
(18:29):
I only need to address whatsupports my mental health today.
How can I make a change in onewoman's life?
What do I need to do to pullmyself out of burnout?
What loving boundaries do I needto create to protect my children
from the harms of the internet?
You also only need to make yourstandards clear.
(18:52):
You need to choose how you willlead your home, your day, your
society.
Your entire contribution to thesystem comes from how you show
up at the micro level of yourown decisions.
And there is nothing morepowerful than that, not even the
systems.
Shame based religious educationis a cultural and systemic
(19:15):
problem.
Expectations of overworking inthe corporate and the healthcare
world is a systemic problem.
Lack of minority representationin leadership positions is a
systemic problem.
Scarcity of resources availablefor mothers towards childcare,
multigenerational enmeshment,wage gap and underpayment of
(19:37):
women, screen addiction andoverstimulation due to digital
media, stigmatization aroundtherapy, inflation that's
outpacing the income.
These are all systemic problems.
And your brain is going to wantto focus on the hyperbole of
these big, overwhelming issues.
(19:58):
It will keep presenting them toyou in a way that feels
unsolvable.
Your responsibility afterlistening to this podcast is
just to be curious about whereyour influence lies.
Be curious about what you can dofrom inside these systems that
help you today.
(20:18):
When you make the problemmanageable at an individual
level, your power will come intofocus, the power that you've
always had.
And this power is exertedthrough your thoughts.
Your thoughts are in yourcontrol, they shape your
emotions.
Your emotions drive youractions, your actions create
(20:40):
your life.
So by extension, every systemicproblem that you're worried
about is solved the same way,one thought at a time, one
boundary at a time, one decisionat a time.
That is how you not only riseinside a flawed system, you fix
it.
(21:00):
That is how the systemeventually changes through your
courage as an individual whostop being weighed down by the
weight of the unsolvablesystemic problem.
And I'm not even saying that youhave to take responsibility of
fixing anything.
I'm not saying you have tobecome the spokesperson for the
economic reform of the entiregeneration or the savior of the
(21:24):
marriage crisis.
I'm not even suggesting that youeven make changes.
I'm simply showing you themechanism of change in case you
do identify a problem thataffects your life and that you
want to influence.
If you feel a pull and aninclination towards something
that you want to change, I'mjust showing you how that change
(21:46):
actually happens.
Because when you understand thismechanism, you're gonna stop
waiting for the system tochange.
You're gonna stop waiting forthe economy to get better.
You will create success in thisvery economy.
You will stop waiting for thehealthcare system to prioritize
prevention, for your communityto suddenly become more open to
(22:08):
topics around mental health.
You will stop waiting for theworld to shift before you allow
yourself to shift.
If something matters to you, ifsomething touches your life,
limits you, frustrates you,hurts you, your path forward
will begin inside your own mind.
(22:28):
Your thoughts that create youremotional capacity that will
shape your actions that solvethe problem.
The reason I'm teaching you thisis because when you understand
that change starts with onethought, you will stop feeling
powerless immediately and youwill immediately feel better
about where your influence lies.
(22:49):
All of this not because you'reaiming to fix the system, or
maybe you are, but my point isthe system will invariably
change because you're no longerletting the system determine
your possibility.
With that I pray to Allahsubhanahu wa ta'ala, O Allah,
guide my mind towards thethoughts that strengthen me.
(23:11):
Show me the next step that arewithin my control and protect me
from feeling overwhelmed by theproblems of the world.
Ya Allah, anchor me in the smallactions that you have placed
within my capacity and grant mesteadiness towards them.
Grant me through my thoughts onepowerful solution at a time.
(23:31):
Amin Ya Rabul Alameen.
Please keep me in your du'as.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
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