May 20, 2025 • 18 mins
While women's gatherings offer beautiful opportunities for sisterhood, laughter, and validation, they can unwittingly become breeding grounds for negative thought patterns. Each time we share our struggles, about parenting difficulties, business challenges, or relationship problems, without the intention to think differently, we strengthen neural pathways attached to those limiting stories. What begins as validation transforms into an emotional quicksand where our pain becomes our personality.
The difference between healing and habitual reliving is subtle but profound: healing happens when you hear something unfamiliar and let it land, while habitual reliving just replays the same painful narrative. One expands your emotional bandwidth; the other contracts it.
This episode contains practical guidance for transforming validation from mere comfort into a catalyst for change. By asking yourself "Am I building a bridge out of this experience or digging myself deeper into it?" before sharing, you can harness the true power of connection. Your friendships can either reinforce your limitations or inspire your growth, the choice lies in your intention.
Take a moment to reflect on how you're using your conversations. Are you training your brain to love your story more than the solution? The path to transformation begins with allowing yourself to be not just seen but also challenged, not just validated but truly changed.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
The topic of today's podcast issomething I revisit frequently,
and it has to do with yourfriendships and how you're using
(00:26):
them.
I love women's gatherings, allthe friendships, the connection,
the laughter, the sharing.
I love the idea of sisterhood,and I've made that abundantly
clear.
I absolutely love people aroundme and I choose to be with them
when I share and when theyshare.
I love the exchange, the energy, the trust and the humanness,
(00:46):
and Alhamdulillah for that.
I don't think I say that enough, even though I have multiple
episodes on this topic.
I think it can be said manymore times and differently.
Something that I want you guysto be aware of, though, that I
want to bring your attention toin this podcast, is, while
there's healing and growth insharing of ideas and networking
and the whole web ofinterconnectedness, which is an
(01:09):
incredible tool, it is anamazing resource, there are also
some dangers to it.
That is the danger ofcommiseration, commiseration of
pain, validation of yournegative thought patterns, and I
want to bring your attention tosomething that's happening
behind the scenes.
Every time you share your storyin a gathering or in a virtual
(01:29):
group without the intention tothink differently, as an outcome
of that conversation, youstrengthen the neural pathways
attached to that story.
This is, of course,neuroplasticity.
The neuroplasticity can be bothnegative and positive, while
the concept of neuroplasticitythe neuroplasticity can be both
negative and positive.
While the concept ofneuroplasticity is mostly used
in a positive way, it can, andusually does, end up being
(01:53):
negative as well.
Meaning, every time you'resharing a difficulty with a
group and you get validatingfeedback, then your story gets
ingrained further in your mind.
This is the negative use ofneuroplasticity, and all of this
takes a very heavy toll on yourpsyche.
It keeps you in difficultemotions and it doesn't let you
achieve the positive outcomes inyour life that you want.
(02:15):
So every time you gathered in agroup or just sharing it with
one more person where theconversation's flowing, it feels
warm, connected and you'refeeling comforted.
And let's say you're sharingstories about how hard parenting
is, how exhausting it is tobuild a business or how
impossible it feels to find agood Muslim man as a single
(02:35):
woman, and it feels validatingbecause the other person's
sharing their story, and ittotally proves your point.
But I want to get very nuancedand very detailed here.
There is a very big danger thatgets overlooked, and that is
that your brain uses thisvalidation, this comfortable
connection, to gather evidencefor your limited beliefs.
(02:57):
You start off by needing aconnection, but without
direction, that connection turnsinto commiseration and this
turns into emotional quicksandthat keeps you trapped.
You get stuck in the same loop,saying the same thing to maybe
different people, waiting for anew outcome that doesn't come.
(03:17):
While it feels like you mighthave gone into the conversation
with the intention of healing,healing doesn't happen.
Instead, you start looping andwhen other people start
mirroring back the same strugglewithout offering any shift, you
start to mistake your pain foryour personality.
You don't just feel overwhelmedand distressed and overlooked,
(03:41):
you become the overwhelmed oneand the distressed one.
You don't just feel the hurt,you become the one who's hurt.
Your identity gets hijackedwith this negative thought
looping of neuroplasticity.
And this all happens whileeveryone else is nodding in
agreement and you feeling likethis is a good thing.
(04:01):
Let's say, your teenager is areckless driver and it's very
difficult for you to calm herdown and at the same time
another mom says I know exactlywhat you mean.
My daughter does the same thing.
She goes to pick up her friendsand they're all riling each
other up.
I'm so afraid for their safety.
You feel so validated thatyou're not alone in thinking
that your teenager behaviorneeds to change, that your fear
(04:24):
for her safety is valid and allof that is true.
Your teenager behavior mightneed to change and your fear is
valid.
But if, beyond the validation,no alternative was provided,
then it becomes a negativethought loop.
Same thing happens if you'retrying to find a spouse and you
say to somebody there's no goodmen left, and then maybe in the
(04:46):
gathering you have seven otherwomen agreeing with you that
yeah, you're right.
It's so hard to find a good guy.
So this validation is healthyand it can be healthy to an
extent, but not when you'retrying to create the outcome of
finding a well-adjusted Muslimguy to marry.
If you want the outcome to bedifferent, it is not in your
favor to continue to tell thesame limiting story.
(05:08):
This commiseration does nothelp you.
Same thing if you're trying tobuild a business and you think
to yourself nobody wants tospend money, it's so hard.
And in a gathering of otherentrepreneurs, they say the same
thing how hard it is to work asa businesswoman and how hard it
is to make a profit in thiseconomy.
Validating your experience,which seems innocent and even
(05:32):
therapeutic, but at the sametime, it is also gathering more
evidence against the change thatyour life needs, against the
change that your business needsin order for it to be successful
.
If you want a different outcome,you have to go beyond
commiseration.
Your brain absolutely lovesvalidation, because it gives you
dopamine, it gives youconnection.
(05:54):
It says see, I'm not crazy.
But just because someone elseagrees with your pain does not
mean you're making progresstowards change.
You may just be cementing in anold story.
That's keeping you stuck.
That's the danger that I wantto bring your attention to.
This is the danger of repeatingvalidation without intentional
(06:16):
change.
And if I haven't already said it, I'm going to say it again.
I'm not saying don't speak yourpain.
I'm not saying don't gather insisterhood.
I'm saying just go withintention about what you're
doing.
Know the difference between I'mspeaking this to process it or
I'm speaking this to prove it tomyself and to others.
(06:37):
One is a mindset that opens thedoor to something new.
The other one locks you insidethe same emotional room with no
doors and no exits.
You can validate yourself andalso stay open to a completely
different interpretation.
That's what's going to create adifferent result.
Validation alone does not createchange.
(06:58):
It might create closeness, itmight create trust, it might
help you exhale and feel seen,which are all of the preliminary
, foundational things that youmight need to be able to create
change.
So please do share if itmatters to you, if it calms your
nervous system down, if ithelps you process.
But if that's where you stop,if your only goal is I just want
(07:21):
someone else to see what I see,then your brain will continue
to keep collecting proof thatthe pain is permanent.
It will reinforce every beliefthat's already keeping you small
.
And this does not happenbecause you're a weak human
being.
This happens to every humanbeing.
The brain loves patterns andmore than that, it loves to
(07:42):
prove those patterns.
And once that pattern is thereimbursement of that pain and
it becomes familiar, it becomesa part of your emotional
blueprint.
While validation soothes andconnects, in the long run it
works as a sugary dessert thatis delicious in the moment but
offers zero nourishment.
(08:03):
It's just empty emotionalcalories.
That's harmful for your healthand when consumed over and over
again, it contributes to thevery problem you're trying to
heal from.
In unchecked commiseration, youdevelop a procedural memory of
relating to certain experiencesin your life let's say a
relationship with your father,that you develop a procedural
memory of relating to certainexperiences in your life let's
say a relationship with yourfather that provokes a certain
(08:24):
set of memories and that in turncorrelates with the habitual
set of emotions that you'refamiliar with.
When you talk about thisexperience just for the sake of
validation, it will furtheringrain that procedural memory
and it hardwires even more andmore.
And when you hear other women'sexperience of their
relationships with their fathersand if they were not ideal then
(08:46):
your brain just seals the deal.
It says this was horrible andhow your life is just screwed up
and nothing good can come outof it.
In this negative loop ofneuroplasticity, the rewiring is
going against you.
It's being used to tellyourself self-deprecating
stories that relational traumawith your father has no good
(09:07):
outcomes.
So by all means share yourexperience and listen to other
women, share their experience.
But what I'm also saying thatit does not constitute the
entire reality.
There's a lot more that ishappening outside of what your
brain is allowing to filter in.
Maybe there are women out therewho have relational trauma
(09:28):
similar to yours, with difficultrelationships with their
fathers, but that has helpedthem heal tremendously.
That has helped them becomeexcellent parents and break
generational trauma, and thathas helped them how to become
productive human beings and howto love their fathers despite of
their relational ruptures.
If you only go in a conversationto validate yourself, you're
(09:51):
going to miss out on all of thislearning, the learning from the
experience that the otherperson is sharing with you.
Your brain is simply going toemit this information and you
will never get the benefit ofpositive neuroplasticity that
this conversation has to offer.
And if, as usual, women aregathering to talk about how
difficult life is, how difficultearning money is, how
(10:15):
challenging parenting, marriage,life as a Muslim is, how
difficult it is to establishhealthy communication, how
difficult education in publicschools is, allow yourself a
healthy dose of validation if itheals your nervous system.
But when you see that yourbrain is using that validation
for data gathering to prove thepoint of how your life is
(10:38):
particularly screwed up, that'swhen I'm asking you to pause.
That's when I'm asking you tocreate a difference.
The habitual reliving of yourprevious painful experiences
validates your distress, but itdoes not change it.
If you're trying to createchange, you have to go from
constant validation to findingalternative explanations for the
(11:00):
events.
So next time you sit in acircle to start to share, just
ask yourself am I building abridge out of this experience or
am I digging myself more intoit?
Your brain will follow theintention you set behind the
scenes, and if you want to heal,not to just feel seen, you will
need to let your story stretcha little bit.
(11:22):
You will need to let it breathe.
You will need to be flexiblewith it.
That's the difference betweenvalidation that comforts and the
validation that transforms.
Every time you tell your storyjust to feel better, without the
intention to think differently,you're training your brain to
love the story more than thesolution.
You're getting a high of thedopamine of me too while your
(11:46):
goals and change suffocatesquietly.
Without intention, validationbecomes a cage, and this is what
I want you guys to be extremelycareful about.
While you're venting about howdifficult everything is, how
impossible it is for you totrust yourself, or how no one
listens to you, you'rehardwiring your struggle, there
(12:08):
is a danger of only repeatedvalidation.
While it might start as healing, it doesn't always end there.
You'll feel heard, you willfeel seen, but don't cut
yourself short in this deal.
Also, allow yourself to gatherevidence of the success stories
that are out there.
One is healing, the other oneis habitual reliving.
(12:28):
The difference is healinghappens when you hear something
that you don't yet believe andyou let it land, even if it's a
little bit.
Healing creates expansionualreliving contracts your
emotional bandwidth.
Healing introduces nuance andflexibility.
Habitual reliving just replaysthe same story.
(12:51):
Healing will soften yourjudgment towards yourself and
others.
It involves openness to youbeing wrong, openness to you
allowing yourself to let go ofyour story a little bit.
Habitual reliving willadamantly guard your current
belief.
It will not let it change.
Change requires intentionalopenness, not just passive
(13:15):
listening and sharing.
You can actively choose toexpose your brain to something
unfamiliar, something that mightfeel difficult for you in the
beginning.
If you walk into a conversationalready decided on what you
want to believe, your brain willfilter out everything that
doesn't match.
This is not discernment, thisis pre-programming.
(13:35):
So let go of these glasses, forI just want to be heard.
So let go of these glasses, forI just want to be heard.
While that is true, you alsowant change, otherwise you
wouldn't be sharing.
When you enter a space in aconversation with the intention
to truly hear somethingdifferent, something radical
happens in your brain.
It starts to tell you that thestory that you've been living
(13:58):
isn't sick.
Your pain is real, but it's notthe only reality.
It tells you that you're opento more and maybe better
interpretations.
And with all of that, suddenlychange becomes available in the
same exact circles, the sameexact people that you're hanging
out with, same women sharingtheir stories, but now you also
look for how they do thingsdifferently, how women create
(14:21):
successful businesses in thesame economy, living in the same
world as you.
How does somebody else raiseher level of consciousness,
raise children strong in theirIslamic identities, also while
sending them to public schools?
How does she get a degree whilebeing a mother?
What is the difference in herstory that she's telling herself
compared to yours?
(14:41):
This information has alwaysbeen around you.
It's just not been filtering in.
Pick an area in your life whereyou want a different outcome,
something that you haven't beenable to create yet.
While you make dua for it,start to notice how you share
your story about that event, howyou talk about the difficulties
(15:02):
, the failures, the setbacks,and what stories are you only
allowing to filter in?
Give yourself permission torelease your stories for a short
period of time.
Give yourself a window of timewhere you're listening for
solutions as well.
Solution two how do I take careof my elderly parents?
Ask yourself, how does she takecare of aging parents that are
(15:25):
ordinary and agitated all thetime?
How does she create amillion-dollar business?
How does she memorize the Quran?
How does she become aprofessional outside the home?
All of the answers will filterin through the same gatherings
that have otherwise beenreinforcing your limited
identities, and all of theseanswers will create change in
the positive direction, positiveneuroplasticity In everyday
(15:49):
conversations.
For this pre-wiring to happen,set an intention.
I'm opening to hearingsomething that challenges me,
that is new to me.
Ask other people what works foryou in this situation.
Allow yourself to say your painout loud, to share, to validate
, to be seen and heard, but alsowonder what is it that I'm not
(16:13):
seeing?
Yet If you're not careful, thecomfy circle of friends becomes
breeding ground for procedural,negative memories.
This is how your brain beginsto associate certain
relationships and roles, like adaughter, a mother, an
entrepreneur, with fixedemotional patterns.
A lot of times, these patternsfilled with fear, resentment,
(16:36):
hopelessness.
But just a small shift in howyou allow information to come
into your mind With that rightintention, your brain will start
looking for change instead ofproving its pain.
You might feel a littleuncomfortable, but you will also
feel curious.
You will stop dismissingsomebody else's story just
(16:57):
because it doesn't match yours.
You will allow yourself to saywhat if I'm wrong about my story
?
In the best way possible.
Start by asking small questionsand shifting the conversation
without shaming your pain.
Am I repeating this to feelbetter or am I allowing myself
to see better?
What do I want people to sayback to me right now?
(17:18):
What am I looking for?
Is this helping me grow or isit just helping me cope?
What belief am I reinforcing bysaying this out loud?
If I want a different outcome,how will I share my story
differently?
This alone will take you fromvalidation only to change, from
commiseration to growth, fromnegative to positive
(17:41):
neuroplasticity, and just likethat, you will stop practicing
the pain you've been in.
With that, I pray to Allah SWT.
Ya Allah, let me speak not justto feel seen, but also to be
set free.
Let me share stories, that theybecome my new realities.
Ya Allah, keep my heart soft towhat I haven't seen yet.
(18:04):
Guide my tongue away fromreinforcing my pain.
Let the gatherings around me bea place of light.
Let me rewire towards rain, nottrauma.
Let my comfort seeking be asource of healing, not the one
that hides.
Ameen, ya Rabbul Ameen, pleasekeep me in your du'as.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
The topic of today's podcast issomething I revisit frequently,
and it has to do with yourfriendships and how you're using
(00:26):
them.
I love women's gatherings, allthe friendships, the connection,
the laughter, the sharing.
I love the idea of sisterhood,and I've made that abundantly
clear.
I absolutely love people aroundme and I choose to be with them
when I share and when theyshare.
I love the exchange, the energy, the trust and the humanness,
(00:46):
and Alhamdulillah for that.
I don't think I say that enough, even though I have multiple
episodes on this topic.
I think it can be said manymore times and differently.
Something that I want you guysto be aware of, though, that I
want to bring your attention toin this podcast, is, while
there's healing and growth insharing of ideas and networking
and the whole web ofinterconnectedness, which is an
(01:09):
incredible tool, it is anamazing resource, there are also
some dangers to it.
That is the danger ofcommiseration, commiseration of
pain, validation of yournegative thought patterns, and I
want to bring your attention tosomething that's happening
behind the scenes.
Every time you share your storyin a gathering or in a virtual
(01:29):
group without the intention tothink differently, as an outcome
of that conversation, youstrengthen the neural pathways
attached to that story.
This is, of course,neuroplasticity.
The neuroplasticity can be bothnegative and positive, while
the concept of neuroplasticitythe neuroplasticity can be both
negative and positive.
While the concept ofneuroplasticity is mostly used
in a positive way, it can, andusually does, end up being
(01:53):
negative as well.
Meaning, every time you'resharing a difficulty with a
group and you get validatingfeedback, then your story gets
ingrained further in your mind.
This is the negative use ofneuroplasticity, and all of this
takes a very heavy toll on yourpsyche.
It keeps you in difficultemotions and it doesn't let you
achieve the positive outcomes inyour life that you want.
(02:15):
So every time you gathered in agroup or just sharing it with
one more person where theconversation's flowing, it feels
warm, connected and you'refeeling comforted.
And let's say you're sharingstories about how hard parenting
is, how exhausting it is tobuild a business or how
impossible it feels to find agood Muslim man as a single
(02:35):
woman, and it feels validatingbecause the other person's
sharing their story, and ittotally proves your point.
But I want to get very nuancedand very detailed here.
There is a very big danger thatgets overlooked, and that is
that your brain uses thisvalidation, this comfortable
connection, to gather evidencefor your limited beliefs.
(02:57):
You start off by needing aconnection, but without
direction, that connection turnsinto commiseration and this
turns into emotional quicksandthat keeps you trapped.
You get stuck in the same loop,saying the same thing to maybe
different people, waiting for anew outcome that doesn't come.
(03:17):
While it feels like you mighthave gone into the conversation
with the intention of healing,healing doesn't happen.
Instead, you start looping andwhen other people start
mirroring back the same strugglewithout offering any shift, you
start to mistake your pain foryour personality.
You don't just feel overwhelmedand distressed and overlooked,
(03:41):
you become the overwhelmed oneand the distressed one.
You don't just feel the hurt,you become the one who's hurt.
Your identity gets hijackedwith this negative thought
looping of neuroplasticity.
And this all happens whileeveryone else is nodding in
agreement and you feeling likethis is a good thing.
(04:01):
Let's say, your teenager is areckless driver and it's very
difficult for you to calm herdown and at the same time
another mom says I know exactlywhat you mean.
My daughter does the same thing.
She goes to pick up her friendsand they're all riling each
other up.
I'm so afraid for their safety.
You feel so validated thatyou're not alone in thinking
that your teenager behaviorneeds to change, that your fear
(04:24):
for her safety is valid and allof that is true.
Your teenager behavior mightneed to change and your fear is
valid.
But if, beyond the validation,no alternative was provided,
then it becomes a negativethought loop.
Same thing happens if you'retrying to find a spouse and you
say to somebody there's no goodmen left, and then maybe in the
(04:46):
gathering you have seven otherwomen agreeing with you that
yeah, you're right.
It's so hard to find a good guy.
So this validation is healthyand it can be healthy to an
extent, but not when you'retrying to create the outcome of
finding a well-adjusted Muslimguy to marry.
If you want the outcome to bedifferent, it is not in your
favor to continue to tell thesame limiting story.
(05:08):
This commiseration does nothelp you.
Same thing if you're trying tobuild a business and you think
to yourself nobody wants tospend money, it's so hard.
And in a gathering of otherentrepreneurs, they say the same
thing how hard it is to work asa businesswoman and how hard it
is to make a profit in thiseconomy.
Validating your experience,which seems innocent and even
(05:32):
therapeutic, but at the sametime, it is also gathering more
evidence against the change thatyour life needs, against the
change that your business needsin order for it to be successful
.
If you want a different outcome,you have to go beyond
commiseration.
Your brain absolutely lovesvalidation, because it gives you
dopamine, it gives youconnection.
(05:54):
It says see, I'm not crazy.
But just because someone elseagrees with your pain does not
mean you're making progresstowards change.
You may just be cementing in anold story.
That's keeping you stuck.
That's the danger that I wantto bring your attention to.
This is the danger of repeatingvalidation without intentional
(06:16):
change.
And if I haven't already said it, I'm going to say it again.
I'm not saying don't speak yourpain.
I'm not saying don't gather insisterhood.
I'm saying just go withintention about what you're
doing.
Know the difference between I'mspeaking this to process it or
I'm speaking this to prove it tomyself and to others.
(06:37):
One is a mindset that opens thedoor to something new.
The other one locks you insidethe same emotional room with no
doors and no exits.
You can validate yourself andalso stay open to a completely
different interpretation.
That's what's going to create adifferent result.
Validation alone does not createchange.
(06:58):
It might create closeness, itmight create trust, it might
help you exhale and feel seen,which are all of the preliminary
, foundational things that youmight need to be able to create
change.
So please do share if itmatters to you, if it calms your
nervous system down, if ithelps you process.
But if that's where you stop,if your only goal is I just want
(07:21):
someone else to see what I see,then your brain will continue
to keep collecting proof thatthe pain is permanent.
It will reinforce every beliefthat's already keeping you small
.
And this does not happenbecause you're a weak human
being.
This happens to every humanbeing.
The brain loves patterns andmore than that, it loves to
(07:42):
prove those patterns.
And once that pattern is thereimbursement of that pain and
it becomes familiar, it becomesa part of your emotional
blueprint.
While validation soothes andconnects, in the long run it
works as a sugary dessert thatis delicious in the moment but
offers zero nourishment.
(08:03):
It's just empty emotionalcalories.
That's harmful for your healthand when consumed over and over
again, it contributes to thevery problem you're trying to
heal from.
In unchecked commiseration, youdevelop a procedural memory of
relating to certain experiencesin your life let's say a
relationship with your father,that you develop a procedural
memory of relating to certainexperiences in your life let's
say a relationship with yourfather that provokes a certain
(08:24):
set of memories and that in turncorrelates with the habitual
set of emotions that you'refamiliar with.
When you talk about thisexperience just for the sake of
validation, it will furtheringrain that procedural memory
and it hardwires even more andmore.
And when you hear other women'sexperience of their
relationships with their fathersand if they were not ideal then
(08:46):
your brain just seals the deal.
It says this was horrible andhow your life is just screwed up
and nothing good can come outof it.
In this negative loop ofneuroplasticity, the rewiring is
going against you.
It's being used to tellyourself self-deprecating
stories that relational traumawith your father has no good
(09:07):
outcomes.
So by all means share yourexperience and listen to other
women, share their experience.
But what I'm also saying thatit does not constitute the
entire reality.
There's a lot more that ishappening outside of what your
brain is allowing to filter in.
Maybe there are women out therewho have relational trauma
(09:28):
similar to yours, with difficultrelationships with their
fathers, but that has helpedthem heal tremendously.
That has helped them becomeexcellent parents and break
generational trauma, and thathas helped them how to become
productive human beings and howto love their fathers despite of
their relational ruptures.
If you only go in a conversationto validate yourself, you're
(09:51):
going to miss out on all of thislearning, the learning from the
experience that the otherperson is sharing with you.
Your brain is simply going toemit this information and you
will never get the benefit ofpositive neuroplasticity that
this conversation has to offer.
And if, as usual, women aregathering to talk about how
difficult life is, how difficultearning money is, how
(10:15):
challenging parenting, marriage,life as a Muslim is, how
difficult it is to establishhealthy communication, how
difficult education in publicschools is, allow yourself a
healthy dose of validation if itheals your nervous system.
But when you see that yourbrain is using that validation
for data gathering to prove thepoint of how your life is
(10:38):
particularly screwed up, that'swhen I'm asking you to pause.
That's when I'm asking you tocreate a difference.
The habitual reliving of yourprevious painful experiences
validates your distress, but itdoes not change it.
If you're trying to createchange, you have to go from
constant validation to findingalternative explanations for the
(11:00):
events.
So next time you sit in acircle to start to share, just
ask yourself am I building abridge out of this experience or
am I digging myself more intoit?
Your brain will follow theintention you set behind the
scenes, and if you want to heal,not to just feel seen, you will
need to let your story stretcha little bit.
(11:22):
You will need to let it breathe.
You will need to be flexiblewith it.
That's the difference betweenvalidation that comforts and the
validation that transforms.
Every time you tell your storyjust to feel better, without the
intention to think differently,you're training your brain to
love the story more than thesolution.
You're getting a high of thedopamine of me too while your
(11:46):
goals and change suffocatesquietly.
Without intention, validationbecomes a cage, and this is what
I want you guys to be extremelycareful about.
While you're venting about howdifficult everything is, how
impossible it is for you totrust yourself, or how no one
listens to you, you'rehardwiring your struggle, there
(12:08):
is a danger of only repeatedvalidation.
While it might start as healing, it doesn't always end there.
You'll feel heard, you willfeel seen, but don't cut
yourself short in this deal.
Also, allow yourself to gatherevidence of the success stories
that are out there.
One is healing, the other oneis habitual reliving.
(12:28):
The difference is healinghappens when you hear something
that you don't yet believe andyou let it land, even if it's a
little bit.
Healing creates expansionualreliving contracts your
emotional bandwidth.
Healing introduces nuance andflexibility.
Habitual reliving just replaysthe same story.
(12:51):
Healing will soften yourjudgment towards yourself and
others.
It involves openness to youbeing wrong, openness to you
allowing yourself to let go ofyour story a little bit.
Habitual reliving willadamantly guard your current
belief.
It will not let it change.
Change requires intentionalopenness, not just passive
(13:15):
listening and sharing.
You can actively choose toexpose your brain to something
unfamiliar, something that mightfeel difficult for you in the
beginning.
If you walk into a conversationalready decided on what you
want to believe, your brain willfilter out everything that
doesn't match.
This is not discernment, thisis pre-programming.
(13:35):
So let go of these glasses, forI just want to be heard.
So let go of these glasses, forI just want to be heard.
While that is true, you alsowant change, otherwise you
wouldn't be sharing.
When you enter a space in aconversation with the intention
to truly hear somethingdifferent, something radical
happens in your brain.
It starts to tell you that thestory that you've been living
(13:58):
isn't sick.
Your pain is real, but it's notthe only reality.
It tells you that you're opento more and maybe better
interpretations.
And with all of that, suddenlychange becomes available in the
same exact circles, the sameexact people that you're hanging
out with, same women sharingtheir stories, but now you also
look for how they do thingsdifferently, how women create
(14:21):
successful businesses in thesame economy, living in the same
world as you.
How does somebody else raiseher level of consciousness,
raise children strong in theirIslamic identities, also while
sending them to public schools?
How does she get a degree whilebeing a mother?
What is the difference in herstory that she's telling herself
compared to yours?
(14:41):
This information has alwaysbeen around you.
It's just not been filtering in.
Pick an area in your life whereyou want a different outcome,
something that you haven't beenable to create yet.
While you make dua for it,start to notice how you share
your story about that event, howyou talk about the difficulties
(15:02):
, the failures, the setbacks,and what stories are you only
allowing to filter in?
Give yourself permission torelease your stories for a short
period of time.
Give yourself a window of timewhere you're listening for
solutions as well.
Solution two how do I take careof my elderly parents?
Ask yourself, how does she takecare of aging parents that are
(15:25):
ordinary and agitated all thetime?
How does she create amillion-dollar business?
How does she memorize the Quran?
How does she become aprofessional outside the home?
All of the answers will filterin through the same gatherings
that have otherwise beenreinforcing your limited
identities, and all of theseanswers will create change in
the positive direction, positiveneuroplasticity In everyday
(15:49):
conversations.
For this pre-wiring to happen,set an intention.
I'm opening to hearingsomething that challenges me,
that is new to me.
Ask other people what works foryou in this situation.
Allow yourself to say your painout loud, to share, to validate
, to be seen and heard, but alsowonder what is it that I'm not
(16:13):
seeing?
Yet If you're not careful, thecomfy circle of friends becomes
breeding ground for procedural,negative memories.
This is how your brain beginsto associate certain
relationships and roles, like adaughter, a mother, an
entrepreneur, with fixedemotional patterns.
A lot of times, these patternsfilled with fear, resentment,
(16:36):
hopelessness.
But just a small shift in howyou allow information to come
into your mind With that rightintention, your brain will start
looking for change instead ofproving its pain.
You might feel a littleuncomfortable, but you will also
feel curious.
You will stop dismissingsomebody else's story just
(16:57):
because it doesn't match yours.
You will allow yourself to saywhat if I'm wrong about my story
?
In the best way possible.
Start by asking small questionsand shifting the conversation
without shaming your pain.
Am I repeating this to feelbetter or am I allowing myself
to see better?
What do I want people to sayback to me right now?
(17:18):
What am I looking for?
Is this helping me grow or isit just helping me cope?
What belief am I reinforcing bysaying this out loud?
If I want a different outcome,how will I share my story
differently?
This alone will take you fromvalidation only to change, from
commiseration to growth, fromnegative to positive
(17:41):
neuroplasticity, and just likethat, you will stop practicing
the pain you've been in.
With that, I pray to Allah SWT.
Ya Allah, let me speak not justto feel seen, but also to be
set free.
Let me share stories, that theybecome my new realities.
Ya Allah, keep my heart soft towhat I haven't seen yet.
(18:04):
Guide my tongue away fromreinforcing my pain.
Let the gatherings around me bea place of light.
Let me rewire towards rain, nottrauma.
Let my comfort seeking be asource of healing, not the one
that hides.
Ameen, ya Rabbul Ameen, pleasekeep me in your du'as.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
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