June 24, 2025 • 23 mins
The flood of emotions you experience when someone you love is hurting? It's not just empathy; it might be toxic empathy that's destroying your peace.
Toxic empathy occurs when you become so entangled in others' emotions that you can't distinguish where their feelings end and yours begin. For many Muslim women especially it's a learned survival strategy born from cultural expectations to carry emotional labor without complaint.
The solution is learning to build gates, not barriers. Through the soulful intelligence paradigm, you can develop the ability to feel with someone without drowning in their experience. You can offer genuine support without making their healing your responsibility. This transformation begins by recognizing that empathy should be a momentary connection, not a constant burden.
Whether you're dealing with a frustrated spouse, a child's meltdown, or difficult workplace conversations, regulated empathy lets you stay connected without getting consumed.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizable.
Successful Now your host, drKamal Aftar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today's topic again extremelypowerful, extremely near and
dear to my heart and, I think,is going to create a huge
difference in your life,especially if you implement it.
(00:27):
We're going to be talking aboutempathy today, and I have
talked about it previously, butthis is a different take.
Today, we're going to betalking about empathy and how it
turns toxic.
Women who have a very highlikelihood of being an empathic
person in a relationship, havealso a very high likelihood of
living in toxic empathy,something that's actually
(00:49):
harmful to you.
Toxic empathy is a form ofemotional entanglement that
feels like love but functionslike control.
It happens, when you becomeover-identified with somebody
else's emotions, that you can'ttell where their pain ends and
your nervous system's painbegins.
You convince yourself that it'scompassion, but it's not.
(01:10):
It's toxic empathy.
Empathy is supposed to stay inyour system for a flash of a
moment until you're able togather information from the
people around you what they'reexperiencing and how, if
possibly, you can help them.
Toxic empathy keeps youentangled with their emotions
constantly, which is extremelyburdensome and very
(01:31):
metabolically and mentallytolling.
And to get over that emotionalturmoil that you're constantly
feeling, in the name of empathy,you attempt to control other
people just so your internalchaos calms down.
Your attempt to soothe yourselfcomes by trying to manage
everyone else's choices.
You don't want them to spiral,just so that you don't spiral,
(01:55):
because if they spiral, thenthat means that your emotional
safety is threatened.
So you try to preempt theirpain.
You try to control theirchoices.
You offer advice that theymight not have asked for.
You subtly or not so subtly,try to get them into making
decisions that would bring yourelief.
It looks like support, but it'snot.
(02:15):
Underneath all of that there'sa subconscious avoidance of your
own discomfort.
So instead of sitting with youranxiety, your helplessness that
you're feeling on account ofothers, from the fear of
watching yourself suffer, youexternalize all of it and you
try to control others so youdon't have to feel their
emotions.
You make their healing yourproject.
(02:38):
You make their journey yourresponsibility.
And for many Muslim women it'smore than a tendency, it's a
learned survival strategy.
As Muslim women, you might havebeen raised to carry emotional
labor without complaint toanticipate other people's needs
before they're spoken, andthrough toxic empathy, this
(02:58):
comes at an expense of your ownsanity.
So when someone you love ishurting, instead of pausing to
ask, is this pain mine to carry,is it even my responsibility,
you dive in headfirst trying tofix other people just because
you think that you're doing therighteous thing.
But in these cases you'reavoiding your pain that toxic
(03:18):
empathy is creating that youdon't have to live in and you're
over-functioning trying tocontrol other people.
This is definitely not empathy,not the healthy kind at least.
This is emotional codependencyand it leaves you and your
relationships worse off.
Toxic empathy is when your carebecomes control.
(03:39):
It starts with over-identifyingwith someone else's emotions
deeply and completely that youlose the ability to separate
their experience from your own.
Not only do you feel with them,you feel responsible for them
and because of their sadness,anger, anxiety.
When they're feeling it, you'refeeling it in your body and at
(04:02):
times it becomes unbearable.
So you start to fix things, notout of love but out of your
discomfort.
You think if they would justcalm down, if they make the
right decision, then we couldboth stop spiraling and I could
finally breathe again.
That is a trap of control.
And in this trap you're notresponding from compassion,
(04:24):
you're reacting from your ownemotional dysregulation and from
this trap you're not respondingfrom compassion, you're
reacting from your own emotionaldysregulation and from this
place.
When you try to manipulateothers, you're trying to manage
everyone else, to attempt tocontrol your nervous system.
Spiral contagion is what happenswhen someone else's breakdown
becomes yours.
Their frustration becomes yours.
(04:45):
It might look like you'retrying to be supportive, that
you're feeling what they'refeeling, but you're not in a
place of where you can controlhow you're feeling.
So while it might look likesupport from the outside, it's
emotional chaos that'sactivating inside of you.
And for many Muslim women,especially those raised with
high emotional attunement butlow emotional boundaries, this
(05:08):
becomes a patterned response.
You're taught to care to give,to anticipate, but not to
regulate yourself.
So when this faucet of empathyturns on, it gushes like a fire
hose.
There's no gate, there's nofilter, there's no control, just
emotional flood.
And in your attempt to notdrown yourself, you swing to
(05:30):
extremes.
You either fuse with the otherperson's experience and lose
yourself in the pain, or youslam the door shut on the
relationship and you cut offthat connection and you call it
boundaries and protecting yourpeace, but both of these
extremes are hurtful.
Over enmeshment burns you out.
Emotional cutoff leaves youisolated.
(05:51):
The problem isn't empathy, it'sunregulated empathy.
It's toxic empathy, especiallywhen you haven't learned the
basics of emotional regulationyourself.
And coaching is one way how youlearn how to dial that in not
to completely disable it, but toengage in it in a controlled
(06:11):
manner.
So I've told you about mysoulful intelligence paradigm in
my program.
That changes everything in thisregard.
It teaches you that thesolution isn't to shut yourself
off or to blame empathy.
The solution is to build gates,not barriers, but gates that
you can open and close at yourdiscernment, gates that respond
(06:34):
to how resourced you are, nothow guilty you feel.
With soulful intelligence,you'll realize that you don't
have to carry someone else'spain to prove that you care.
You offer presence withoutabsorption of their pain.
You can say to yourself thisisn't mine to carry, and you
still show up with compassion.
(06:56):
The toxic empathy does not floodyou.
You're able to control it withresources and healthy boundaries
.
This is the ability for you tostay connected without being
consumed.
This is empathy with regulationand this is a radical shift
from how most of us are engagingwith empathy, especially the
(07:16):
high-functioning, heart-centeredMuslim women.
You're taught to love andyou're taught to give, but
instead of rescuing others tofeel safe, in this case, you
root yourself in your ownnervous system and then you
offer help.
You stay regulated and then youprovide empathy, and then you
provide the nurturing and thecare that everyone else might
(07:39):
need.
So, like this, instead ofdrowning in the flood, you start
to flow with the water and itbecomes much more natural and it
keeps your peace much better.
You choose when to step in andwhen to step back, not because
you fear your burnout or youwant to control others, but
because, out of respect for bothof your capacities, a deeply
(08:02):
empath, empathic Muslim womanholds a lot of power, like a
raging river, powerful,instinctive and, a lot of times,
god-given.
When that empathy rushes in themoment of somebody else's pain,
it wants to soothe, it wants tofix, it wants to absorb, it
wants to carry.
And if all of us are notattuned to the power that
(08:25):
empathy can carry, the riverwill start to flow unchecked.
But building soulfulintelligence through coaching
helps you build floodgates, andthis is not just so you can
drown gracefully, but how youcan control the energy behind
your empathy and the ragingriver being in your soulful
(08:45):
intelligence and beingresourceful.
That doesn't make you dam upyour river and pretend you don't
care.
It teaches you how to buildgates, intentional openings that
regulate how much of empathyyou want to allow to flow in any
given moment to a relationship.
You still care, you still feel.
You just don't get washed awaywith the current Gated empathy
(09:09):
means you can stand besidesomeone in their suffering
without taking it into your bodylike it's your responsibility.
You can hold space for theirpain.
You can understand it withoutmaking their healing your
responsibility.
You carry care, but not theweight and the burnout of their
experience.
And this distinction changeseverything, because now your
(09:34):
decision to lean in or lovinglystep back comes from a place of
wisdom, love, resourcefulness,and you don't do any of this to
avoid, and you have a lot ofyour own energy available to be
able to provide the empathiccare that everyone else might
need.
In this case, you honor whatyour nervous system can hold in
(09:56):
a day and you stay present withboundaries.
This level of wisdom and innerstrength makes your empathy
sustainable.
It makes it safe for you andyour loved ones.
Okay, so, besides the learningto manage the floodgates of
empathy.
There's a second, equallyimportant shift that's very
(10:17):
often overlooked, and that'slearning to turn empathy on its
head and using it to connectwith others through positive
emotional states, not throughjust their pain and negative
emotional states.
So since in human beings ournervous system has more of a
propensity to attach to pain, weforget that empathy can be used
(10:38):
to attune to other people'spositive emotions, and that is a
huge gift.
If you're a kind of woman whocan notice a slightest change in
tone, if you're a kind of womanwho can notice the slightest
change in tone, shift inexpression, you're accurately
responding to other people'sfeelings and energies.
This is a powerful gift, but itonly feels like a burden if you
don't use this attunement powerto borrow other people's joy,
(11:02):
happiness, peace.
Most of you are only using thissensitivity to track pain,
stress and instability.
When you train yourself toanticipate tension, conflict,
disappointment, that's the onlything you're going to see.
I'm asking you, through thispodcast, to start practicing
(11:23):
training yourself into attuninginto laughter, joy, awe, a lot
of love.
When you mirror other people'slow states but not their high
states, then you're not usingyour empathy correctly.
Then no wonder that you'refeeling drained all the time.
But the beautiful design hereis that you're actually not
(11:46):
absorbing someone else's emotiondirectly.
You're responding to themthrough your own nervous system.
That means that when someonearound you is stressed, your
brain predicts their emotionalstate very effectively and your
body begins to stimulate it.
But the same thing can be donewhen the other person is
experiencing happiness andexcitement and connection.
(12:10):
Since your thoughts throughyour nervous system is what's
creating the emotionalexperience in your body, then
you can consciously choose toshift them towards the good.
If you believe someone is in amoment of gratitude or calm, you
can allow that state to echo inyour body and your nervous
system as well.
The same neural pathway thatmirrors other people's fear or
(12:34):
frustration can also help youattune to their peace, their
delight, their appreciation,their deep gratitude, and this
is a powerful attribute ofempathy.
Think about the last time whenyou saw somebody laughing so
hard that they were in tears andyou were laughing because they
are laughing.
This is emotional mirroring.
(12:54):
Your nervous system alreadyknows how to do it.
You just have to direct it todo it so that you're not always
overwhelmed with negativeemotions, and in the beginning
this skill is going to requiresome redirection.
Just like you're on your way tolearning, control the
floodgates so you don't drown insomebody else's crisis, you can
(13:15):
now open the gates selectivelyto let in what feels nourishing
If somebody is in deep awe for asunset, or if they are in pure
joy for a dua that was answeredfor them, or anything small like
how they enjoy their baby'stouch or how their tea tastes
that day.
(13:36):
If your brain is alreadyscanning for other people's
emotional cues, then choose tonotice those moments as well.
Let them register, let themland in your body, anchor it
within yourself.
You will notice that after afew exercises of doing this, you
will feel so much better.
And this kind of approach makesyou so attuned to your empathy
(13:57):
and so proud of it, instead offeeling like it's always a
burden.
And you can do that with a fulldisclosure to your mind that
right now I'm attuning to theirpositive emotions, because the
more you practice attuning tosomebody's joy, the less likely
you are that you'll collapsewhen they're in pain.
The less likely it is that youwill be completely dysregulated
(14:20):
when they're in anger orfrustrated.
This way, you're training yournervous system to recognize that
not every interaction needs tobe an emergency.
This way, you're buildingemotional resiliency with
empathy, not despite of it, notoutside of it.
This way, slowly but surely,the entire experience of being
(14:41):
an empathic human being shifts.
This way, empathy is not justsomething you give, but
something that fills you as well.
Empathy has always been aboutconnection.
That includes the full spectrumof human experience Pain, yes,
but also celebration,contentment.
You don't have to carry otherpeople's emotions if you don't
(15:05):
want to, but when you do noticethat choice, absorb and enjoy
the good emotions as well.
This is what makes your empathysustainable.
That's how you turn it from aconstant flood to a life-giving
river with strong gates, clearawareness and an ability to
decide moment to moment what youwant to let in.
(15:29):
If your spouse is tired after along day of work and you know he
tends to get irritable yourempathy will start predicting
his emotions before he evenwalks through the door.
Without realizing it, you'llspend your entire day mentally
and emotionally bracing for hisfrustration and, because your
empathy is so refined, your bodywill start feeling his emotion
(15:50):
and recoiling from it as if itwas your own.
This is classic toxic empathythat puts you into overdrive and
overfunctioning.
You can care that he has had ahard day at work without letting
his mood hijack yours.
You get to choose how much ofhis energy you want to allow
(16:11):
into your space.
Sometimes the most loving andthe empathic thing you can do is
giving him and yourself space.
And the same applies to yourchild.
Let's say you've decided to cutback on their screen time or
their sugar and they're having ameltdown about it.
Your nervous system willimmediately flare up.
I don't want them to feeldeprived.
(16:33):
I hate when they cry.
Maybe I could just give in alittle bit.
But your job isn't to avoidyour discomfort through their
discomfort just because you'refeeling it so intensely.
Your job is to tolerate yourdiscomfort while staying
anchored in what's best for them.
While staying anchored in yourown regulation.
You can hold empathy for theirbig emotions without collapsing
(16:58):
into guilt of your own or tryingto rescue them for feeling
their discomfort.
Toxic empathy wants to controlother people's feelings.
It wants them to never feel anypain, especially if it's
somebody you love.
But their emotions are not yourresponsibility, or if you're in
a position where you manageother people or run a business.
(17:21):
This toxic empathy might showup every time you hesitate to
give honest feedback.
You worry that they'll take itpersonally and you feel
embarrassed for them.
You feel upset before you'veeven had a chance to give the
feedback, just because you'repredicting they're upset with
high accuracy.
When that happens, you softenyour language to a point where
(17:41):
your whole feedback message getslost or, worse, you avoid the
conversation altogether.
But here too, empathy withboundaries is what matters.
You can care about their growthand still say what needs to be
said.
You're not responsible for howthey feel.
You're responsible for how youcommunicate.
This is controlled empathy,where you're highly attuned to
(18:05):
what you have control overwithin yourself, and this is
what keeps your relationshipstrong without burning you out.
One of the most common patternsI see in my coaching, especially
in Muslim women, is thetendency to over-empathize to a
point of emotional entanglementand enmeshment.
Of course, as predicted, thisdynamic becomes unsustainable.
(18:28):
Empathy is not the problem.
It never has been.
Lack of regulation.
When you're feeling youremotions through, empathy is the
problem.
Most of you never learned howto dial empathy up and down.
Most of you either shut it downand adopt a version of toxic
individualism that soundssomething like what you feel is
(18:49):
not my problem.
I'm not responsible for it.
I'm out of here.
Or, on the other hand, you stayin the relationship but you try
to control the other person sothat when they finally feel
better, you can feel better.
But no one likes to becontrolled in relationships.
When that is happening, it doesnot feel good to either party.
You can't create a healthyrelationship this way.
(19:11):
So what you really need is notto kill your empathy, but to
refine it.
When used skillfully, empathyis a golden gift.
It's how you connect, it's howyou love, but it's only safe and
sustainable and it onlycontributes to your.
(19:33):
I can care deeply about whatsomeone else is going through
without carrying the weight oftheir experience inside my body.
This is a flash of empathy,what it's supposed to serve you.
I can honor someone's struggle,offer presence and even feel
moved by their pain, withoutmaking it my job to fix it.
(19:54):
And I know you want to fixtheir problems.
It sounds very honorable job tofix it, and I know you want to
fix their problems.
It sounds very honorable, buttheir problems are theirs to fix
.
That's the difference betweencarrying care and carrying
burden.
When I internalize somebodyelse's emotion to the point that
it costs me my own peace, Iknow I've entered toxic empathy.
(20:14):
Soulful empathy means I stayconnected and I stay rooted in
myself.
I say this matters to me and Ican offer help to the other
person if they're open toreceiving it.
This is not detachment, this isnot toxic individualism, this
is wise discernment.
And the kind of boundary youcreate through this discernment,
(20:36):
through this soulful empathy,does not create a disconnection
the way judgment does.
When you judge someone, whenthey're having an experience,
you pull away from them and youfeel superior just to stay safe.
But when you set an internalboundary with empathy, then you
understand why they're feelingthe way they're feeling and why
(20:57):
you are choosing to step back.
It actually deepens yourconnection with the other person
and yourself.
From this place ofself-awareness, connection to
the other person becomes veryhonest and very sustainable.
You're not pretending, you'renot rescuing, you're simply
honoring your limits and you'reable to see the other person for
(21:18):
who they are.
This happens only if you're nottoo enmeshed, only if your
empathy is not fusing verytightly with the other person's
experience, only if you can tellwhat's yours and what's theirs.
This way you can step away fromthe situation if you feel an
emotional flood coming.
Step away from the situation ifyou feel an emotional flood
(21:40):
coming, and once that level ofskill is developed, your nervous
system will thrive instead oftrying to control the situation.
So, like I showed you guys,while empathy can turn very
toxic, very easily, it can costyou your sanity and peace it can
also very easily be turned intoa golden currency that saves
you your relationships, empathythat you use to stay connected
(22:02):
to yourself and your loved ones.
If you are given a lot of thiscurrency of empathy, develop the
skill of how to spend it, howto use it.
Being able to absorb otherpeople's positive emotions like
joy, ecstatic experiences,excitement that is one of the
most important advantages ofempathy.
(22:23):
So use it, and use it wisely.
With that I pray to Allah SWT.
Ya Allah, you gave me a heartthat feels deeply.
Now teach me how to use itwisely.
Let me stay connected withoutgetting consumed.
Let me care without takingcontrol.
Guide me to know what's mine tocarry and what's to let go.
(22:47):
Ya Allah, make my empathy asource of peace for me and
everyone, a means for love andnot over functioning, and let my
empathy be always a means tofind a way back to you.
Ameen, ya Rabbul Ameen, pleasekeep me in your duas.
I'll talk to you guys next time.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizable.
Successful Now your host, drKamal Aftar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today's topic again extremelypowerful, extremely near and
dear to my heart and, I think,is going to create a huge
difference in your life,especially if you implement it.
(00:27):
We're going to be talking aboutempathy today, and I have
talked about it previously, butthis is a different take.
Today, we're going to betalking about empathy and how it
turns toxic.
Women who have a very highlikelihood of being an empathic
person in a relationship, havealso a very high likelihood of
living in toxic empathy,something that's actually
(00:49):
harmful to you.
Toxic empathy is a form ofemotional entanglement that
feels like love but functionslike control.
It happens, when you becomeover-identified with somebody
else's emotions, that you can'ttell where their pain ends and
your nervous system's painbegins.
You convince yourself that it'scompassion, but it's not.
(01:10):
It's toxic empathy.
Empathy is supposed to stay inyour system for a flash of a
moment until you're able togather information from the
people around you what they'reexperiencing and how, if
possibly, you can help them.
Toxic empathy keeps youentangled with their emotions
constantly, which is extremelyburdensome and very
(01:31):
metabolically and mentallytolling.
And to get over that emotionalturmoil that you're constantly
feeling, in the name of empathy,you attempt to control other
people just so your internalchaos calms down.
Your attempt to soothe yourselfcomes by trying to manage
everyone else's choices.
You don't want them to spiral,just so that you don't spiral,
(01:55):
because if they spiral, thenthat means that your emotional
safety is threatened.
So you try to preempt theirpain.
You try to control theirchoices.
You offer advice that theymight not have asked for.
You subtly or not so subtly,try to get them into making
decisions that would bring yourelief.
It looks like support, but it'snot.
(02:15):
Underneath all of that there'sa subconscious avoidance of your
own discomfort.
So instead of sitting with youranxiety, your helplessness that
you're feeling on account ofothers, from the fear of
watching yourself suffer, youexternalize all of it and you
try to control others so youdon't have to feel their
emotions.
You make their healing yourproject.
(02:38):
You make their journey yourresponsibility.
And for many Muslim women it'smore than a tendency, it's a
learned survival strategy.
As Muslim women, you might havebeen raised to carry emotional
labor without complaint toanticipate other people's needs
before they're spoken, andthrough toxic empathy, this
(02:58):
comes at an expense of your ownsanity.
So when someone you love ishurting, instead of pausing to
ask, is this pain mine to carry,is it even my responsibility,
you dive in headfirst trying tofix other people just because
you think that you're doing therighteous thing.
But in these cases you'reavoiding your pain that toxic
(03:18):
empathy is creating that youdon't have to live in and you're
over-functioning trying tocontrol other people.
This is definitely not empathy,not the healthy kind at least.
This is emotional codependencyand it leaves you and your
relationships worse off.
Toxic empathy is when your carebecomes control.
(03:39):
It starts with over-identifyingwith someone else's emotions
deeply and completely that youlose the ability to separate
their experience from your own.
Not only do you feel with them,you feel responsible for them
and because of their sadness,anger, anxiety.
When they're feeling it, you'refeeling it in your body and at
(04:02):
times it becomes unbearable.
So you start to fix things, notout of love but out of your
discomfort.
You think if they would justcalm down, if they make the
right decision, then we couldboth stop spiraling and I could
finally breathe again.
That is a trap of control.
And in this trap you're notresponding from compassion,
(04:24):
you're reacting from your ownemotional dysregulation and from
this trap you're not respondingfrom compassion, you're
reacting from your own emotionaldysregulation and from this
place.
When you try to manipulateothers, you're trying to manage
everyone else, to attempt tocontrol your nervous system.
Spiral contagion is what happenswhen someone else's breakdown
becomes yours.
Their frustration becomes yours.
(04:45):
It might look like you'retrying to be supportive, that
you're feeling what they'refeeling, but you're not in a
place of where you can controlhow you're feeling.
So while it might look likesupport from the outside, it's
emotional chaos that'sactivating inside of you.
And for many Muslim women,especially those raised with
high emotional attunement butlow emotional boundaries, this
(05:08):
becomes a patterned response.
You're taught to care to give,to anticipate, but not to
regulate yourself.
So when this faucet of empathyturns on, it gushes like a fire
hose.
There's no gate, there's nofilter, there's no control, just
emotional flood.
And in your attempt to notdrown yourself, you swing to
(05:30):
extremes.
You either fuse with the otherperson's experience and lose
yourself in the pain, or youslam the door shut on the
relationship and you cut offthat connection and you call it
boundaries and protecting yourpeace, but both of these
extremes are hurtful.
Over enmeshment burns you out.
Emotional cutoff leaves youisolated.
(05:51):
The problem isn't empathy, it'sunregulated empathy.
It's toxic empathy, especiallywhen you haven't learned the
basics of emotional regulationyourself.
And coaching is one way how youlearn how to dial that in not
to completely disable it, but toengage in it in a controlled
(06:11):
manner.
So I've told you about mysoulful intelligence paradigm in
my program.
That changes everything in thisregard.
It teaches you that thesolution isn't to shut yourself
off or to blame empathy.
The solution is to build gates,not barriers, but gates that
you can open and close at yourdiscernment, gates that respond
(06:34):
to how resourced you are, nothow guilty you feel.
With soulful intelligence,you'll realize that you don't
have to carry someone else'spain to prove that you care.
You offer presence withoutabsorption of their pain.
You can say to yourself thisisn't mine to carry, and you
still show up with compassion.
(06:56):
The toxic empathy does not floodyou.
You're able to control it withresources and healthy boundaries
.
This is the ability for you tostay connected without being
consumed.
This is empathy with regulationand this is a radical shift
from how most of us are engagingwith empathy, especially the
(07:16):
high-functioning, heart-centeredMuslim women.
You're taught to love andyou're taught to give, but
instead of rescuing others tofeel safe, in this case, you
root yourself in your ownnervous system and then you
offer help.
You stay regulated and then youprovide empathy, and then you
provide the nurturing and thecare that everyone else might
(07:39):
need.
So, like this, instead ofdrowning in the flood, you start
to flow with the water and itbecomes much more natural and it
keeps your peace much better.
You choose when to step in andwhen to step back, not because
you fear your burnout or youwant to control others, but
because, out of respect for bothof your capacities, a deeply
(08:02):
empath, empathic Muslim womanholds a lot of power, like a
raging river, powerful,instinctive and, a lot of times,
god-given.
When that empathy rushes in themoment of somebody else's pain,
it wants to soothe, it wants tofix, it wants to absorb, it
wants to carry.
And if all of us are notattuned to the power that
(08:25):
empathy can carry, the riverwill start to flow unchecked.
But building soulfulintelligence through coaching
helps you build floodgates, andthis is not just so you can
drown gracefully, but how youcan control the energy behind
your empathy and the ragingriver being in your soulful
(08:45):
intelligence and beingresourceful.
That doesn't make you dam upyour river and pretend you don't
care.
It teaches you how to buildgates, intentional openings that
regulate how much of empathyyou want to allow to flow in any
given moment to a relationship.
You still care, you still feel.
You just don't get washed awaywith the current Gated empathy
(09:09):
means you can stand besidesomeone in their suffering
without taking it into your bodylike it's your responsibility.
You can hold space for theirpain.
You can understand it withoutmaking their healing your
responsibility.
You carry care, but not theweight and the burnout of their
experience.
And this distinction changeseverything, because now your
(09:34):
decision to lean in or lovinglystep back comes from a place of
wisdom, love, resourcefulness,and you don't do any of this to
avoid, and you have a lot ofyour own energy available to be
able to provide the empathiccare that everyone else might
need.
In this case, you honor whatyour nervous system can hold in
(09:56):
a day and you stay present withboundaries.
This level of wisdom and innerstrength makes your empathy
sustainable.
It makes it safe for you andyour loved ones.
Okay, so, besides the learningto manage the floodgates of
empathy.
There's a second, equallyimportant shift that's very
(10:17):
often overlooked, and that'slearning to turn empathy on its
head and using it to connectwith others through positive
emotional states, not throughjust their pain and negative
emotional states.
So since in human beings ournervous system has more of a
propensity to attach to pain, weforget that empathy can be used
(10:38):
to attune to other people'spositive emotions, and that is a
huge gift.
If you're a kind of woman whocan notice a slightest change in
tone, if you're a kind of womanwho can notice the slightest
change in tone, shift inexpression, you're accurately
responding to other people'sfeelings and energies.
This is a powerful gift, but itonly feels like a burden if you
don't use this attunement powerto borrow other people's joy,
(11:02):
happiness, peace.
Most of you are only using thissensitivity to track pain,
stress and instability.
When you train yourself toanticipate tension, conflict,
disappointment, that's the onlything you're going to see.
I'm asking you, through thispodcast, to start practicing
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training yourself into attuninginto laughter, joy, awe, a lot
of love.
When you mirror other people'slow states but not their high
states, then you're not usingyour empathy correctly.
Then no wonder that you'refeeling drained all the time.
But the beautiful design hereis that you're actually not
(11:46):
absorbing someone else's emotiondirectly.
You're responding to themthrough your own nervous system.
That means that when someonearound you is stressed, your
brain predicts their emotionalstate very effectively and your
body begins to stimulate it.
But the same thing can be donewhen the other person is
experiencing happiness andexcitement and connection.
(12:10):
Since your thoughts throughyour nervous system is what's
creating the emotionalexperience in your body, then
you can consciously choose toshift them towards the good.
If you believe someone is in amoment of gratitude or calm, you
can allow that state to echo inyour body and your nervous
system as well.
The same neural pathway thatmirrors other people's fear or
(12:34):
frustration can also help youattune to their peace, their
delight, their appreciation,their deep gratitude, and this
is a powerful attribute ofempathy.
Think about the last time whenyou saw somebody laughing so
hard that they were in tears andyou were laughing because they
are laughing.
This is emotional mirroring.
(12:54):
Your nervous system alreadyknows how to do it.
You just have to direct it todo it so that you're not always
overwhelmed with negativeemotions, and in the beginning
this skill is going to requiresome redirection.
Just like you're on your way tolearning, control the
floodgates so you don't drown insomebody else's crisis, you can
(13:15):
now open the gates selectivelyto let in what feels nourishing
If somebody is in deep awe for asunset, or if they are in pure
joy for a dua that was answeredfor them, or anything small like
how they enjoy their baby'stouch or how their tea tastes
that day.
(13:36):
If your brain is alreadyscanning for other people's
emotional cues, then choose tonotice those moments as well.
Let them register, let themland in your body, anchor it
within yourself.
You will notice that after afew exercises of doing this, you
will feel so much better.
And this kind of approach makesyou so attuned to your empathy
(13:57):
and so proud of it, instead offeeling like it's always a
burden.
And you can do that with a fulldisclosure to your mind that
right now I'm attuning to theirpositive emotions, because the
more you practice attuning tosomebody's joy, the less likely
you are that you'll collapsewhen they're in pain.
The less likely it is that youwill be completely dysregulated
(14:20):
when they're in anger orfrustrated.
This way, you're training yournervous system to recognize that
not every interaction needs tobe an emergency.
This way, you're buildingemotional resiliency with
empathy, not despite of it, notoutside of it.
This way, slowly but surely,the entire experience of being
(14:41):
an empathic human being shifts.
This way, empathy is not justsomething you give, but
something that fills you as well.
Empathy has always been aboutconnection.
That includes the full spectrumof human experience Pain, yes,
but also celebration,contentment.
You don't have to carry otherpeople's emotions if you don't
(15:05):
want to, but when you do noticethat choice, absorb and enjoy
the good emotions as well.
This is what makes your empathysustainable.
That's how you turn it from aconstant flood to a life-giving
river with strong gates, clearawareness and an ability to
decide moment to moment what youwant to let in.
(15:29):
If your spouse is tired after along day of work and you know he
tends to get irritable yourempathy will start predicting
his emotions before he evenwalks through the door.
Without realizing it, you'llspend your entire day mentally
and emotionally bracing for hisfrustration and, because your
empathy is so refined, your bodywill start feeling his emotion
(15:50):
and recoiling from it as if itwas your own.
This is classic toxic empathythat puts you into overdrive and
overfunctioning.
You can care that he has had ahard day at work without letting
his mood hijack yours.
You get to choose how much ofhis energy you want to allow
(16:11):
into your space.
Sometimes the most loving andthe empathic thing you can do is
giving him and yourself space.
And the same applies to yourchild.
Let's say you've decided to cutback on their screen time or
their sugar and they're having ameltdown about it.
Your nervous system willimmediately flare up.
I don't want them to feeldeprived.
(16:33):
I hate when they cry.
Maybe I could just give in alittle bit.
But your job isn't to avoidyour discomfort through their
discomfort just because you'refeeling it so intensely.
Your job is to tolerate yourdiscomfort while staying
anchored in what's best for them.
While staying anchored in yourown regulation.
You can hold empathy for theirbig emotions without collapsing
(16:58):
into guilt of your own or tryingto rescue them for feeling
their discomfort.
Toxic empathy wants to controlother people's feelings.
It wants them to never feel anypain, especially if it's
somebody you love.
But their emotions are not yourresponsibility, or if you're in
a position where you manageother people or run a business.
(17:21):
This toxic empathy might showup every time you hesitate to
give honest feedback.
You worry that they'll take itpersonally and you feel
embarrassed for them.
You feel upset before you'veeven had a chance to give the
feedback, just because you'repredicting they're upset with
high accuracy.
When that happens, you softenyour language to a point where
(17:41):
your whole feedback message getslost or, worse, you avoid the
conversation altogether.
But here too, empathy withboundaries is what matters.
You can care about their growthand still say what needs to be
said.
You're not responsible for howthey feel.
You're responsible for how youcommunicate.
This is controlled empathy,where you're highly attuned to
(18:05):
what you have control overwithin yourself, and this is
what keeps your relationshipstrong without burning you out.
One of the most common patternsI see in my coaching, especially
in Muslim women, is thetendency to over-empathize to a
point of emotional entanglementand enmeshment.
Of course, as predicted, thisdynamic becomes unsustainable.
(18:28):
Empathy is not the problem.
It never has been.
Lack of regulation.
When you're feeling youremotions through, empathy is the
problem.
Most of you never learned howto dial empathy up and down.
Most of you either shut it downand adopt a version of toxic
individualism that soundssomething like what you feel is
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not my problem.
I'm not responsible for it.
I'm out of here.
Or, on the other hand, you stayin the relationship but you try
to control the other person sothat when they finally feel
better, you can feel better.
But no one likes to becontrolled in relationships.
When that is happening, it doesnot feel good to either party.
You can't create a healthyrelationship this way.
(19:11):
So what you really need is notto kill your empathy, but to
refine it.
When used skillfully, empathyis a golden gift.
It's how you connect, it's howyou love, but it's only safe and
sustainable and it onlycontributes to your.
(19:33):
I can care deeply about whatsomeone else is going through
without carrying the weight oftheir experience inside my body.
This is a flash of empathy,what it's supposed to serve you.
I can honor someone's struggle,offer presence and even feel
moved by their pain, withoutmaking it my job to fix it.
(19:54):
And I know you want to fixtheir problems.
It sounds very honorable job tofix it, and I know you want to
fix their problems.
It sounds very honorable, buttheir problems are theirs to fix
.
That's the difference betweencarrying care and carrying
burden.
When I internalize somebodyelse's emotion to the point that
it costs me my own peace, Iknow I've entered toxic empathy.
(20:14):
Soulful empathy means I stayconnected and I stay rooted in
myself.
I say this matters to me and Ican offer help to the other
person if they're open toreceiving it.
This is not detachment, this isnot toxic individualism, this
is wise discernment.
And the kind of boundary youcreate through this discernment,
(20:36):
through this soulful empathy,does not create a disconnection
the way judgment does.
When you judge someone, whenthey're having an experience,
you pull away from them and youfeel superior just to stay safe.
But when you set an internalboundary with empathy, then you
understand why they're feelingthe way they're feeling and why
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you are choosing to step back.
It actually deepens yourconnection with the other person
and yourself.
From this place ofself-awareness, connection to
the other person becomes veryhonest and very sustainable.
You're not pretending, you'renot rescuing, you're simply
honoring your limits and you'reable to see the other person for
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who they are.
This happens only if you're nottoo enmeshed, only if your
empathy is not fusing verytightly with the other person's
experience, only if you can tellwhat's yours and what's theirs.
This way you can step away fromthe situation if you feel an
emotional flood coming.
Step away from the situation ifyou feel an emotional flood
(21:40):
coming, and once that level ofskill is developed, your nervous
system will thrive instead oftrying to control the situation.
So, like I showed you guys,while empathy can turn very
toxic, very easily, it can costyou your sanity and peace it can
also very easily be turned intoa golden currency that saves
you your relationships, empathythat you use to stay connected
(22:02):
to yourself and your loved ones.
If you are given a lot of thiscurrency of empathy, develop the
skill of how to spend it, howto use it.
Being able to absorb otherpeople's positive emotions like
joy, ecstatic experiences,excitement that is one of the
most important advantages ofempathy.
(22:23):
So use it, and use it wisely.
With that I pray to Allah SWT.
Ya Allah, you gave me a heartthat feels deeply.
Now teach me how to use itwisely.
Let me stay connected withoutgetting consumed.
Let me care without takingcontrol.
Guide me to know what's mine tocarry and what's to let go.
(22:47):
Ya Allah, make my empathy asource of peace for me and
everyone, a means for love andnot over functioning, and let my
empathy be always a means tofind a way back to you.
Ameen, ya Rabbul Ameen, pleasekeep me in your duas.
I'll talk to you guys next time.
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