June 10, 2025 • 20 mins
Do you ever sense something's wrong but can't quite grasp what it is? That foggy feeling might be evidence of internal gaslighting – a psychological phenomenon where your personal qareen (the Islamic concept of an individual's shaitan) subtly manipulates your perception of reality.
This podcast explores how this spiritual gaslighter operates with Oscar-worthy precision, creating emotional confusion without ever being detected. Rather than making overtly negative statements, your qareen plants doubt through implications: "I'm not saying I'm a bad mom, but..." followed by evidence that leads to exactly that conclusion. The brilliance of this tactic is that it bypasses your conscious defenses, making the real problem always feel just beyond your reach.
For high-functioning Muslim women, this manifests in constantly denying what's truly bothering them. You might hear yourself saying "I don't care what others think" while secretly ruminating on criticism, or "I'm not judging" while comparison steals your joy. These contradictions aren't moral failings but protection strategies that shaitan weaponizes. The tragedy isn't in experiencing negative emotions – jealousy, judgment, or anger – but in being unable to recognize them. When emotions remain unnamed, they can't be transformed through dua, self-reflection, or conscious redirection.
The path to freedom begins with radical honesty – telling yourself the unfiltered truth about what you're feeling. This isn't contrary to Islamic teachings; rather, it embodies true tawakkul, trusting that Allah's mercy encompasses even your most uncomfortable emotions. When you bring your whole, unsanitized experience to Allah, you create the spiritual intimacy that leads to genuine transformation. Join me in the Empowered Muslim Women Coaching Program where we learn to unmask the internal gaslighter and reclaim our emotional clarity through Islamic psychology.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today I come to you with anamazingly fascinating subject.
This has to do with internalgaslighting and how you're doing
(00:26):
it to yourself.
We all have a professional,deliberate internal gaslighter
whose job it is to make youmistrust your thoughts and your
emotions.
Everyone has this gaslighterand that's your inner Kareen,
the voice of mischief, theShaitan.
This Shaitan is yourprofessional internal gaslight
lighter.
Now, this is an incrediblylife-changing concept.
(00:48):
Inshallah, it's going to createa huge effect in your life and
all you have to do is payattention and internalize
lessons in this podcast.
So in my AMW program, I have apowerful framework that takes
into account the negativecognitions through the lens of
Islamic psychology, and at thecenter of this concept is our
true, inherent, primordial self,the soul that's pure and
(01:11):
connected to Allah, that isalways seeking Allah and that
shows up in our behaviors,aspirations, thoughts and our
dispositions.
All of us have that as wellThrough the Islamic lens of ruh.
All of us have that as wellThrough the Islamic lens of ruh.
This is the battery of life,battery for your body.
Without it, your body islifeless, and this ruh is what
(01:33):
is always connected to Allah.
Now, in this podcast, I'm goingto use the term ruh and soul
interchangeably, and this is forthe sake of simplicity, but
there are a lot of moreimportant details that we go
through in the program that I'mnot going to mention here,
because I want to deliver anincredible and a simple message
that makes a change in your life.
So this ruh is pure and it's100% worthy through the factor
(01:56):
of creation by Allah.
So then, why is there so muchmischief in our minds and in our
lives?
Because, then, on top of thatruh is the nafs and shaitan.
More specifically, our personalshaitan, or the qareen, uses
this nafs as a seat to anchorhimself into our psyche and, by
extension, he anchors himself inour daily lives.
(02:18):
This shaitan, as a professionalgaslighter, is so well-versed
and knowledgeable about you thathe could literally win an Oscar
for emotional misdirection, andhe does it very subtly, very
swiftly, and he does it soproficiently that you don't
recognize that this is happening.
(02:39):
He will leave you with completedisillusion and confusion if
you don't slow down to recognizewhat I'm about to teach you.
What the voice actually says isI'm not saying I'm a bad mom,
but I am saying that I don'tusually remember appointments, I
forget to pack their snacks andI don't stay calm when it
(02:59):
counts.
And this is exactly what thetrick is.
It doesn't call you a bad momthat would be too obvious and
your conscious mind would catchit.
Instead, it lets you believethat you're not calling yourself
a bad mom or any other meannames, while it's sneakily
planting those conclusions rightunder your skin.
It gives you a feeling of thefailure without being able to
(03:23):
recognize the language of it.
So that way you can't controlit directly, you can't change it
and you can't even coachyourself out of it, because
you're not aware of what'shappening.
This is internal gaslighting.
It's what happens when the realproblem keeps slipping through
your fingers like fog.
You know something's off, yousense it, but every time you
(03:43):
reach for it to try and explainit and help yourself, it
evaporates.
In my coaching, very frequentlyit sounds something like this I
don't think I'm being too hardon myself, I'm just trying to
hold myself accountable, or I'mnot avoiding conflict, I just
prefer peace, or I don't knowwhat I'm feeling right now.
It's not a big deal anyways.
(04:04):
When I hear these sentences inmy practice that start with I
don't think I'm doing this, orthis is not what's happening.
Or women telling me I don't letanyone's opinion bother me, I
don't care what he says about me.
But all of these sentences arealways followed by a pain point,
something that the client'sgoing through.
I know exactly what the problemis as soon as these words start
(04:28):
to come out of her mouth.
The problem is that his opinionis bothering her and she does
care enough.
But all of that is happening atthe subconscious level.
When, as a coach, I reflectsomething back to you as a
client and your first instinctis confusion, dismissal, denial,
defensiveness.
Not because my reflection iswrong, I mean.
(04:51):
It certainly can be and ithappens at times, but majority
of the time, if I point out thatyou were saying something that
is not bothering you, is exactlywhat's bothering you.
You might not see it the firsttime and that's okay.
That phenomenon happens to meall the time as a client.
My coach points out somethingto me and I would be like what
(05:12):
are you talking about?
That's absolutely not true.
That's obviously not happening.
But when we approach the topicfrom a different direction, it
turns out it is true and it'sbeen true, and that is usually
the core of the problem to beginwith.
This happens not because you orme, as clients, are deflecting
or we're avoidant, but becausewe genuinely can't see it.
(05:35):
What's happening is that you'vebeen gaslit by what seems like
your own self, seems like a partof your own nervous system, but
it's actually shaitan's trick.
That doesn't mean that yourcoach is always right.
That does not mean that there'ssomething wrong with you for
not being able to recognize this.
It just means that shaitan isediting your awareness.
(05:56):
No, there is a part of yourinner healing intelligence, a
part of your mind that isprotective and it keeps you from
uncovering things that youmight not be able to handle
currently, and that is a verysmart design.
But if the problem keepsevading you, even when you're
trying to actively heal it onyour journey, even when you're
(06:17):
resourced enough to hold yourpain and awareness, especially
when you're working with aprofessional, and even in those
circumstances, the truth stillkeeps escaping you, this is the
work of the internal gaslighter,shaitan.
The protective part of yournervous system works to save you
from the discomfort of noticingsomething painful, especially
(06:38):
if you're not equipped to handlethat in your awareness and if
there's a risk that with thatawareness, your nervous system
might get overloaded and floodedwith an open memory.
This is a super smart design.
It's designed to protect you.
But if any of those beliefs areoutdated and need to change and
you have the correct supportsystem and still you're unable
(06:58):
to recognize the problem, thenit is the internal gas lighter
and it's time to bring them tolight.
A lot of times this level ofavoidance is trauma-based and
when that's the case it'sessential to work with a
licensed therapist ortrauma-informed clinician.
But a lot of other times it'sjust uncomfort, mild, moderate,
manageable, and even then yourbrain will do everything to
(07:22):
protect you and eject thatinsight out of your conscious
awareness.
You'll scroll past it, you'llforget what the coach said,
you'll start cleaning thekitchen or replying to the
emails or scrolling throughsocial media whatever it is that
you do for escaping and insteadyou'll tell yourself that's not
me, that's not what's happeningwith me.
What I'm talking about is awhole different level of
(07:45):
psychological escape artistry.
Shaitan doesn't need to shout.
All it needs is for you todoubt, to second guess, to stay
foggy just long enough that youdon't recognize where the change
needs to happen.
The invitation in my coachingis not to fight that voice but
(08:05):
to notice it.
Not to shame yourself for thatvoice being present, but to name
it.
To slow down long enough toallow yourself to ask what am I
not willing to feel right now?
Are these thoughts mine or isthis the internal gaslighter
writing the script for me?
With that awareness, start yourawudu billah.
(08:26):
This is the case of the slipperybrain that I talked about in
the previous podcast.
It pulls the disappearing actwhere the psyche is unable to
recognize the problem.
But, most importantly andluckily, it's not your own
psyche that's trying to harm you.
It's takareen.
It's not happening because youare inherently evil.
It's happening because a thirdparty that wants to cause you
(08:48):
harm is creating this.
Your slippery brain issometimes just trying to protect
you, but the harm of ongoingnon-healing happens because of
shaitan.
And in that case, when yourecognize that, you ask Allah,
subhanahu wa ta'ala, to help youprotect from the effects of the
shaitan and to help you heal,the trick that the slippery
(09:10):
brain feeds on is that it's ableto pull off a successful
disappearing act.
This is especially exaggeratedin the society, where negative
emotions are socialized to neverbe felt and are considered that
it's the worst thing that canhappen to you.
So, as a child, you never getany training to carry your
(09:31):
emotions or to live through them.
You're only trained to burythem or avoid them or escape
them.
So, as a result of all of this,when a client starts off by
saying it's not like, I'mbothered by my mom's comment.
I'm the kind of person who letsthings roll off my back, but
the fact that we're even talkingabout this tells me that it
(09:53):
didn't roll off her back.
The story is still stuck in hermind and in her nervous system
and she keeps revisiting it,replaying it.
The slippery brain, theprofessional internal gaslighter
, causes the erasure ofemotional pain because we're not
taught how to deal with it in ahealthy way, and this is
shaitan's finest work.
(10:15):
So what you have to do is learnand allow yourself to have
emotional intelligence andrecognize that the most painful
of emotions frustration, anger,judgment, jealousy, emotions
themselves are not sinful.
There's no actual harm comingto you from feeling an emotion,
(10:36):
but from not recognizing them,from avoiding them, from
escaping them.
Harm actually does come to yourlife.
One of the most cunningemotional distortions that I see
happening in high-functioningMuslim women is the rebranding
of such negative emotions,especially judgment.
Because, as Muslims, as we arerightly taught to think highly
(10:59):
of other people, if there's asubconscious judgment present
for another person, it quicklyslips out of awareness because
recognizing it would make us abad Muslim, while that actually
is not true.
Same thing with jealousy.
Only not being able torecognize these emotions and
continuing to act on them isgoing to be sinful.
(11:20):
That's what's going to createharmful effects in your life.
This is not a moral failing.
It's a protection strategy andunfortunately, shaitan knows how
to weaponize it.
Because when you can't namewhat you feel, you can't
transform it, and when you'reconfused about what's happening
inside, you stay stuck in thecycle of constant low-key shame.
(11:45):
Shaitan doesn't win by makingyou sin overtly.
He wins by keeping you confusedso you continue to sin covertly
.
He wins when your pain iscamouflaged and confused with
piety.
He wins when your judgment iswrapped in a religious concern,
(12:05):
especially when you start toappear to be extremely
self-righteous.
The cost of misnaming orcompletely not recognizing
emotions is large.
It is extremely huge, becausenow you're not just feeling
something painful, but you'refeeling wrong for feeling it and
it continues to perpetuatebecause you're unable to
recognize it.
(12:26):
You're emotionally dysregulatedand spiritually guilty and, yes
, your emotional health mightneed to be uplifted and purified
.
But that can't happen unlessyou can identify it.
You need to understand theemotions you're going through,
but when you can't labeljealousy accurately or judgment
(12:46):
accurately, you can't turn thatinto dua, you can't turn that
into something constructive oreven ask for forgiveness for
having been in that state.
When you name your judgment forsomebody else, clearly you turn
it into self-awareness.
But when you deny thesefeelings, you don't become more
religious and righteous, youbecome more resentful, and
(13:08):
that's the real spiritual danger.
The negative emotion itself doesnot cause as much harm as not
recognizing it does.
What happens when the negativeemotion is denied, misnamed, is
shaitan comes in and completeshis trick.
The moment you name anuncomfortable emotion, the
moment you are able to recognizethat negative thought pattern,
(13:32):
what was previously veryslippery and was previously
escaping your awareness, whenthat happens, you unlock your
power to direct that energy.
When you name jealousy asjealousy, judgment as judgment,
it becomes material.
You can work with.
That's when transformationbegins.
One of my clients came to mysession saying I'm not judging
(13:54):
other moms I barely have time tolook at what anyone else is
doing but as we talked, sheconfessed that she felt inferior
when she saw other parents postabout their kids'
accomplishments.
She started saying things likehow everyone's child is in a
gifted program and mine isaverage, and again followed by
that famous line I'm not jealousor anything.
(14:15):
I'm just worried and that mightbe true for her and for you as
well that you are worriedbecause you're a mom and you
want the best for your kid andyou want what somebody else's
married life looks like onInstagram peaceful and loving.
You want all of that foryourself.
But not admitting that you wantall of that, not admitting that
you've fallen into comparisonand not inspiration, it will
(14:38):
never allow for you to have whatyou want.
You can't make dua for it, youcan't work towards it, because
you're unable to bring into yourawareness what you actually
want.
And that is why coachingsessions are so extremely
powerful.
And that mom, when sherecognized that she stopped
escaping her discomfort, shestopped being reactive around
(15:01):
her children, which was comingto her because she was trying to
suppress all of this discomfortand this worry.
When Muslim women mislabel theiremotions or are unable to
recognize them, they lose theopportunity to redirect them.
They miss the learningopportunity that teaches them
that next time I feel this way,this is what I'm going to do
(15:22):
with it.
And the fear that blocks thisprogress is exactly from shaitan
as well Fear of being a badwoman or a bad Muslim.
I'm not supposed to think thesethings, I'm not supposed to
admit to these things.
Islam, in reality, gives a farmore nuanced and detailed
response than don't feel that.
(15:42):
You're not supposed to thinkthat.
Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam never taught us to
suppress emotions.
He taught us to bringeverything to Allah, subhanahu
wa ta'ala.
And if you can't recognize whatyou need to bring to Allah in
dua, then bring it to a coach.
So now we have named theslippery brain, we've exposed
Shaitan's trick of emotionalrebranding.
(16:04):
What do we do about it?
How do we turn this fromspiritual gaslighting to
spiritual growth?
And the answer is very simple,but it might feel confronting.
You start by telling yourselfthe truth, not the polished,
presentable, socially acceptabletruth, the actual truth.
I felt jealous, I felt hurt,I'm judging this woman because I
(16:28):
might be insecure in this areaor that, and then you sit with
it because these are not yourthoughts.
Remember your pure, inherentpsyche.
The ruh, the soul, iscompletely pure when you are
sitting with these thoughts thatseem like yours are actually
shaitans.
When you join my program, itbecomes very easy for you to
(16:50):
separate yourself from theselevels of negative cognitions.
These are all simple, powerfulquestions that act like mirrors,
and if you're unable to holdthat mirror up for yourself,
allow me and my coaching programto do that.
In the Empowered Muslim WomenCoaching Program, we start with
the first month labeled forEmotional Fitness Clinic, and
(17:11):
that's where I use my SoulfulIntelligence Framework to rewire
all of this.
This is spiritual work.
This is not something separatefrom your deen.
Understanding this design,working on this design is not
self-indulgent, it is absolutelyessential.
It is self-honoring.
You are acknowledging thedesign of your heart, your nafs,
(17:33):
your nervous system, allcreated by Allah SWT.
If your emotions are constantlyplaying hide and seek, if you've
never learned to trust your ownjudgment, if you've always been
gaslighted by distortions, yourinner healing intelligence can
never come forward, and that'swhere shaitan thrives.
This is why community andcoaching is everything Most of
(17:56):
us don't realize.
We're gaslighting ourselvesuntil we hear another woman
speak the truth about her life.
There's immense power of women,healing in sisterhood and
community.
We help each other name what'shiding and once it's named, we
redirect it, we heal it, we getelevated.
Inshallah, bringing your wholeraw, unsanitized emotional
(18:19):
experience to Allah SWT is notspiritual failure.
It is the best example ofspiritual intimacy.
It is your declaration that youtrust His mercy more than your
own shame, that you believe thathe created your nervous system
on purpose, that even your mostunflattering feelings are worthy
(18:39):
to be seen, held and healed.
This is tawakkul.
This puts you on a life ofihsan, the path of
self-leadership grounded inAllah's rahmah.
And when you do this work, whenyou stop hiding from your own
emotional reality, the payoff ismassive.
It's spiritual, it's practical,it's life-changing.
(19:01):
You stop outsourcing, you startself-validating, you stop
spinning in confusion whileyou're feeling off all the time.
You're calmer, you're lighter,you go through life with much
more peace and sense ofstillness and kindness, not
because your life changed orthat your life is now perfect,
(19:22):
but because you're not fightingyourself anymore.
Your inside starts to matchyour outside.
With that I pray to Allah SWT.
Ya Allah, let me see what istrue inside of me.
Let me uncover what isshaytan's trick and what it's
not letting me recognize,uncover what shaitan has buried
(19:42):
for me, not to shame me, but tofree me.
Protect me from shaitan'swhispers that confuse my
emotions and silence my heart.
Help me name what I feel withcourage and bring it to you with
sincerity.
Make my awareness a doorway tohealing, not self-blame, and
turn every emotion into a meansto come near to you.
(20:05):
Ya Allah, ameen, ya RabbulAlameen, please keep me in your
du'as.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
Welcome to Islamic Life Coach School Podcast.
Apply tools that you learn inthis podcast and your life will
be unrecognizably successful.
Now your host, dr Kamal Aftar.
Hello, hello, hello everyone.
Peace and blessings be upon allof you.
Today I come to you with anamazingly fascinating subject.
This has to do with internalgaslighting and how you're doing
(00:26):
it to yourself.
We all have a professional,deliberate internal gaslighter
whose job it is to make youmistrust your thoughts and your
emotions.
Everyone has this gaslighterand that's your inner Kareen,
the voice of mischief, theShaitan.
This Shaitan is yourprofessional internal gaslight
lighter.
Now, this is an incrediblylife-changing concept.
(00:48):
Inshallah, it's going to createa huge effect in your life and
all you have to do is payattention and internalize
lessons in this podcast.
So in my AMW program, I have apowerful framework that takes
into account the negativecognitions through the lens of
Islamic psychology, and at thecenter of this concept is our
true, inherent, primordial self,the soul that's pure and
(01:11):
connected to Allah, that isalways seeking Allah and that
shows up in our behaviors,aspirations, thoughts and our
dispositions.
All of us have that as wellThrough the Islamic lens of ruh.
All of us have that as wellThrough the Islamic lens of ruh.
This is the battery of life,battery for your body.
Without it, your body islifeless, and this ruh is what
(01:33):
is always connected to Allah.
Now, in this podcast, I'm goingto use the term ruh and soul
interchangeably, and this is forthe sake of simplicity, but
there are a lot of moreimportant details that we go
through in the program that I'mnot going to mention here,
because I want to deliver anincredible and a simple message
that makes a change in your life.
So this ruh is pure and it's100% worthy through the factor
(01:56):
of creation by Allah.
So then, why is there so muchmischief in our minds and in our
lives?
Because, then, on top of thatruh is the nafs and shaitan.
More specifically, our personalshaitan, or the qareen, uses
this nafs as a seat to anchorhimself into our psyche and, by
extension, he anchors himself inour daily lives.
(02:18):
This shaitan, as a professionalgaslighter, is so well-versed
and knowledgeable about you thathe could literally win an Oscar
for emotional misdirection, andhe does it very subtly, very
swiftly, and he does it soproficiently that you don't
recognize that this is happening.
(02:39):
He will leave you with completedisillusion and confusion if
you don't slow down to recognizewhat I'm about to teach you.
What the voice actually says isI'm not saying I'm a bad mom,
but I am saying that I don'tusually remember appointments, I
forget to pack their snacks andI don't stay calm when it
(02:59):
counts.
And this is exactly what thetrick is.
It doesn't call you a bad momthat would be too obvious and
your conscious mind would catchit.
Instead, it lets you believethat you're not calling yourself
a bad mom or any other meannames, while it's sneakily
planting those conclusions rightunder your skin.
It gives you a feeling of thefailure without being able to
(03:23):
recognize the language of it.
So that way you can't controlit directly, you can't change it
and you can't even coachyourself out of it, because
you're not aware of what'shappening.
This is internal gaslighting.
It's what happens when the realproblem keeps slipping through
your fingers like fog.
You know something's off, yousense it, but every time you
(03:43):
reach for it to try and explainit and help yourself, it
evaporates.
In my coaching, very frequentlyit sounds something like this I
don't think I'm being too hardon myself, I'm just trying to
hold myself accountable, or I'mnot avoiding conflict, I just
prefer peace, or I don't knowwhat I'm feeling right now.
It's not a big deal anyways.
(04:04):
When I hear these sentences inmy practice that start with I
don't think I'm doing this, orthis is not what's happening.
Or women telling me I don't letanyone's opinion bother me, I
don't care what he says about me.
But all of these sentences arealways followed by a pain point,
something that the client'sgoing through.
I know exactly what the problemis as soon as these words start
(04:28):
to come out of her mouth.
The problem is that his opinionis bothering her and she does
care enough.
But all of that is happening atthe subconscious level.
When, as a coach, I reflectsomething back to you as a
client and your first instinctis confusion, dismissal, denial,
defensiveness.
Not because my reflection iswrong, I mean.
(04:51):
It certainly can be and ithappens at times, but majority
of the time, if I point out thatyou were saying something that
is not bothering you, is exactlywhat's bothering you.
You might not see it the firsttime and that's okay.
That phenomenon happens to meall the time as a client.
My coach points out somethingto me and I would be like what
(05:12):
are you talking about?
That's absolutely not true.
That's obviously not happening.
But when we approach the topicfrom a different direction, it
turns out it is true and it'sbeen true, and that is usually
the core of the problem to beginwith.
This happens not because you orme, as clients, are deflecting
or we're avoidant, but becausewe genuinely can't see it.
(05:35):
What's happening is that you'vebeen gaslit by what seems like
your own self, seems like a partof your own nervous system, but
it's actually shaitan's trick.
That doesn't mean that yourcoach is always right.
That does not mean that there'ssomething wrong with you for
not being able to recognize this.
It just means that shaitan isediting your awareness.
(05:56):
No, there is a part of yourinner healing intelligence, a
part of your mind that isprotective and it keeps you from
uncovering things that youmight not be able to handle
currently, and that is a verysmart design.
But if the problem keepsevading you, even when you're
trying to actively heal it onyour journey, even when you're
(06:17):
resourced enough to hold yourpain and awareness, especially
when you're working with aprofessional, and even in those
circumstances, the truth stillkeeps escaping you, this is the
work of the internal gaslighter,shaitan.
The protective part of yournervous system works to save you
from the discomfort of noticingsomething painful, especially
(06:38):
if you're not equipped to handlethat in your awareness and if
there's a risk that with thatawareness, your nervous system
might get overloaded and floodedwith an open memory.
This is a super smart design.
It's designed to protect you.
But if any of those beliefs areoutdated and need to change and
you have the correct supportsystem and still you're unable
(06:58):
to recognize the problem, thenit is the internal gas lighter
and it's time to bring them tolight.
A lot of times this level ofavoidance is trauma-based and
when that's the case it'sessential to work with a
licensed therapist ortrauma-informed clinician.
But a lot of other times it'sjust uncomfort, mild, moderate,
manageable, and even then yourbrain will do everything to
(07:22):
protect you and eject thatinsight out of your conscious
awareness.
You'll scroll past it, you'llforget what the coach said,
you'll start cleaning thekitchen or replying to the
emails or scrolling throughsocial media whatever it is that
you do for escaping and insteadyou'll tell yourself that's not
me, that's not what's happeningwith me.
What I'm talking about is awhole different level of
(07:45):
psychological escape artistry.
Shaitan doesn't need to shout.
All it needs is for you todoubt, to second guess, to stay
foggy just long enough that youdon't recognize where the change
needs to happen.
The invitation in my coachingis not to fight that voice but
(08:05):
to notice it.
Not to shame yourself for thatvoice being present, but to name
it.
To slow down long enough toallow yourself to ask what am I
not willing to feel right now?
Are these thoughts mine or isthis the internal gaslighter
writing the script for me?
With that awareness, start yourawudu billah.
(08:26):
This is the case of the slipperybrain that I talked about in
the previous podcast.
It pulls the disappearing actwhere the psyche is unable to
recognize the problem.
But, most importantly andluckily, it's not your own
psyche that's trying to harm you.
It's takareen.
It's not happening because youare inherently evil.
It's happening because a thirdparty that wants to cause you
(08:48):
harm is creating this.
Your slippery brain issometimes just trying to protect
you, but the harm of ongoingnon-healing happens because of
shaitan.
And in that case, when yourecognize that, you ask Allah,
subhanahu wa ta'ala, to help youprotect from the effects of the
shaitan and to help you heal,the trick that the slippery
(09:10):
brain feeds on is that it's ableto pull off a successful
disappearing act.
This is especially exaggeratedin the society, where negative
emotions are socialized to neverbe felt and are considered that
it's the worst thing that canhappen to you.
So, as a child, you never getany training to carry your
(09:31):
emotions or to live through them.
You're only trained to burythem or avoid them or escape
them.
So, as a result of all of this,when a client starts off by
saying it's not like, I'mbothered by my mom's comment.
I'm the kind of person who letsthings roll off my back, but
the fact that we're even talkingabout this tells me that it
(09:53):
didn't roll off her back.
The story is still stuck in hermind and in her nervous system
and she keeps revisiting it,replaying it.
The slippery brain, theprofessional internal gaslighter
, causes the erasure ofemotional pain because we're not
taught how to deal with it in ahealthy way, and this is
shaitan's finest work.
(10:15):
So what you have to do is learnand allow yourself to have
emotional intelligence andrecognize that the most painful
of emotions frustration, anger,judgment, jealousy, emotions
themselves are not sinful.
There's no actual harm comingto you from feeling an emotion,
(10:36):
but from not recognizing them,from avoiding them, from
escaping them.
Harm actually does come to yourlife.
One of the most cunningemotional distortions that I see
happening in high-functioningMuslim women is the rebranding
of such negative emotions,especially judgment.
Because, as Muslims, as we arerightly taught to think highly
(10:59):
of other people, if there's asubconscious judgment present
for another person, it quicklyslips out of awareness because
recognizing it would make us abad Muslim, while that actually
is not true.
Same thing with jealousy.
Only not being able torecognize these emotions and
continuing to act on them isgoing to be sinful.
(11:20):
That's what's going to createharmful effects in your life.
This is not a moral failing.
It's a protection strategy andunfortunately, shaitan knows how
to weaponize it.
Because when you can't namewhat you feel, you can't
transform it, and when you'reconfused about what's happening
inside, you stay stuck in thecycle of constant low-key shame.
(11:45):
Shaitan doesn't win by makingyou sin overtly.
He wins by keeping you confusedso you continue to sin covertly
.
He wins when your pain iscamouflaged and confused with
piety.
He wins when your judgment iswrapped in a religious concern,
(12:05):
especially when you start toappear to be extremely
self-righteous.
The cost of misnaming orcompletely not recognizing
emotions is large.
It is extremely huge, becausenow you're not just feeling
something painful, but you'refeeling wrong for feeling it and
it continues to perpetuatebecause you're unable to
recognize it.
(12:26):
You're emotionally dysregulatedand spiritually guilty and, yes
, your emotional health mightneed to be uplifted and purified
.
But that can't happen unlessyou can identify it.
You need to understand theemotions you're going through,
but when you can't labeljealousy accurately or judgment
(12:46):
accurately, you can't turn thatinto dua, you can't turn that
into something constructive oreven ask for forgiveness for
having been in that state.
When you name your judgment forsomebody else, clearly you turn
it into self-awareness.
But when you deny thesefeelings, you don't become more
religious and righteous, youbecome more resentful, and
(13:08):
that's the real spiritual danger.
The negative emotion itself doesnot cause as much harm as not
recognizing it does.
What happens when the negativeemotion is denied, misnamed, is
shaitan comes in and completeshis trick.
The moment you name anuncomfortable emotion, the
moment you are able to recognizethat negative thought pattern,
(13:32):
what was previously veryslippery and was previously
escaping your awareness, whenthat happens, you unlock your
power to direct that energy.
When you name jealousy asjealousy, judgment as judgment,
it becomes material.
You can work with.
That's when transformationbegins.
One of my clients came to mysession saying I'm not judging
(13:54):
other moms I barely have time tolook at what anyone else is
doing but as we talked, sheconfessed that she felt inferior
when she saw other parents postabout their kids'
accomplishments.
She started saying things likehow everyone's child is in a
gifted program and mine isaverage, and again followed by
that famous line I'm not jealousor anything.
(14:15):
I'm just worried and that mightbe true for her and for you as
well that you are worriedbecause you're a mom and you
want the best for your kid andyou want what somebody else's
married life looks like onInstagram peaceful and loving.
You want all of that foryourself.
But not admitting that you wantall of that, not admitting that
you've fallen into comparisonand not inspiration, it will
(14:38):
never allow for you to have whatyou want.
You can't make dua for it, youcan't work towards it, because
you're unable to bring into yourawareness what you actually
want.
And that is why coachingsessions are so extremely
powerful.
And that mom, when sherecognized that she stopped
escaping her discomfort, shestopped being reactive around
(15:01):
her children, which was comingto her because she was trying to
suppress all of this discomfortand this worry.
When Muslim women mislabel theiremotions or are unable to
recognize them, they lose theopportunity to redirect them.
They miss the learningopportunity that teaches them
that next time I feel this way,this is what I'm going to do
(15:22):
with it.
And the fear that blocks thisprogress is exactly from shaitan
as well Fear of being a badwoman or a bad Muslim.
I'm not supposed to think thesethings, I'm not supposed to
admit to these things.
Islam, in reality, gives a farmore nuanced and detailed
response than don't feel that.
(15:42):
You're not supposed to thinkthat.
Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam never taught us to
suppress emotions.
He taught us to bringeverything to Allah, subhanahu
wa ta'ala.
And if you can't recognize whatyou need to bring to Allah in
dua, then bring it to a coach.
So now we have named theslippery brain, we've exposed
Shaitan's trick of emotionalrebranding.
(16:04):
What do we do about it?
How do we turn this fromspiritual gaslighting to
spiritual growth?
And the answer is very simple,but it might feel confronting.
You start by telling yourselfthe truth, not the polished,
presentable, socially acceptabletruth, the actual truth.
I felt jealous, I felt hurt,I'm judging this woman because I
(16:28):
might be insecure in this areaor that, and then you sit with
it because these are not yourthoughts.
Remember your pure, inherentpsyche.
The ruh, the soul, iscompletely pure when you are
sitting with these thoughts thatseem like yours are actually
shaitans.
When you join my program, itbecomes very easy for you to
(16:50):
separate yourself from theselevels of negative cognitions.
These are all simple, powerfulquestions that act like mirrors,
and if you're unable to holdthat mirror up for yourself,
allow me and my coaching programto do that.
In the Empowered Muslim WomenCoaching Program, we start with
the first month labeled forEmotional Fitness Clinic, and
(17:11):
that's where I use my SoulfulIntelligence Framework to rewire
all of this.
This is spiritual work.
This is not something separatefrom your deen.
Understanding this design,working on this design is not
self-indulgent, it is absolutelyessential.
It is self-honoring.
You are acknowledging thedesign of your heart, your nafs,
(17:33):
your nervous system, allcreated by Allah SWT.
If your emotions are constantlyplaying hide and seek, if you've
never learned to trust your ownjudgment, if you've always been
gaslighted by distortions, yourinner healing intelligence can
never come forward, and that'swhere shaitan thrives.
This is why community andcoaching is everything Most of
(17:56):
us don't realize.
We're gaslighting ourselvesuntil we hear another woman
speak the truth about her life.
There's immense power of women,healing in sisterhood and
community.
We help each other name what'shiding and once it's named, we
redirect it, we heal it, we getelevated.
Inshallah, bringing your wholeraw, unsanitized emotional
(18:19):
experience to Allah SWT is notspiritual failure.
It is the best example ofspiritual intimacy.
It is your declaration that youtrust His mercy more than your
own shame, that you believe thathe created your nervous system
on purpose, that even your mostunflattering feelings are worthy
(18:39):
to be seen, held and healed.
This is tawakkul.
This puts you on a life ofihsan, the path of
self-leadership grounded inAllah's rahmah.
And when you do this work, whenyou stop hiding from your own
emotional reality, the payoff ismassive.
It's spiritual, it's practical,it's life-changing.
(19:01):
You stop outsourcing, you startself-validating, you stop
spinning in confusion whileyou're feeling off all the time.
You're calmer, you're lighter,you go through life with much
more peace and sense ofstillness and kindness, not
because your life changed orthat your life is now perfect,
(19:22):
but because you're not fightingyourself anymore.
Your inside starts to matchyour outside.
With that I pray to Allah SWT.
Ya Allah, let me see what istrue inside of me.
Let me uncover what isshaytan's trick and what it's
not letting me recognize,uncover what shaitan has buried
(19:42):
for me, not to shame me, but tofree me.
Protect me from shaitan'swhispers that confuse my
emotions and silence my heart.
Help me name what I feel withcourage and bring it to you with
sincerity.
Make my awareness a doorway tohealing, not self-blame, and
turn every emotion into a meansto come near to you.
(20:05):
Ya Allah, ameen, ya RabbulAlameen, please keep me in your
du'as.
I will talk to you guys nexttime.
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