October 15, 2024 • 16 mins
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Could the secret to a thriving marriage lie in the simple act of intentionally spending time together? Join me and my husband, Rob, as we recount our own experiences of navigating the demanding world of military life while keeping our relationship a top priority. We share candid stories and insights, emphasizing the importance of consciously setting aside time for each other amidst the chaos of family and work commitments. Discover how neglecting these moments can lead to a loss of intimacy and even jeopardize family dynamics, offering a cautionary tale to those who may be caught up in the whirlwind of everyday life.
In this episode, we uncover simple yet powerful techniques for rekindling intimacy and passion through spending time with your partner. From morning coffee chats to 15-minute daily check-ins, these seemingly small gestures can make all the difference. We also discuss the balance between nurturing your relationship and spending time as a family, highlighting the need to keep these interactions separate and distinct. The message is clear: be proactive, take ownership, and prioritize these moments to ensure your marriage not only survives but thrives in the face of life's pressures. Whether you're juggling hectic schedules or just looking to strengthen your bond, tune in for practical advice and inspiration to enrich your relationship.
Your Host: Kimberly Beam Holmes, Expert in Self-Improvement and Relationships
Kimberly Beam Holmes has applied her master's degree in psychology for over ten years, acting as the CEO of Marriage Helper & CEO and Creator of PIES University, being a wife and mother herself, and researching how attraction affects relationships. Her videos, podcasts, and following reach over 500,000 people a month who are making changes and becoming the best they can be.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
One of the things that listeners have been asking
about a lot lately is how do youintentionally spend more time
with your husband or with yourwife?
What are some ways that we cando that?
How can we actually do that?
And so for this episode today,I've asked my husband, rob, to
join me as we have thisconversation, because in some
(00:21):
ways, you could look at our lifeand say that we've spent a lot
of time together.
We were married eight yearsbefore we ever had kids.
It was just the two of us.
We traveled a lot, but we werealso separated a lot during
those first eight years of ourmarriage, with you being in the
military and being gone fortrainings and things like that.
So we actually have probably abit of a different perspective
(00:44):
about spending time togetherthan maybe some people do.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
I agree, yeah, so you know, intentionally creating
time to spend together is thetopic of the podcast today how
and why and the most importantthing about accomplishing
intentionally creating time tospend together is go, do it,
just just do it.
(01:09):
That's it, that's, that's mywhole speech.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
People have so many reasons as to why they can't.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
Thank you for attending my Ted talk, but no,
you raise a very good point andand that is kind of what I need
to address here Um, let's sayyou're listening to this podcast
and you're thinking to myselfyeah, okay, I get it.
I need to intentionally createtime to spend with my spouse, uh
(01:39):
, but you know, the kids and Ihave work and this and I I have
that and I've got book club andI have.
So what I want you to do ifyou're a listener is I want you
to go make that, that list, andwe're going to talk about it.
Go make a list on paper.
(02:01):
As long as you need, usemultiple pieces, everything,
keeping you yes.
And pause this podcast and gomake that list.
Okay, unpause, I hope you madethe list.
Now we're going to talk aboutit, take it, crumple it up into
(02:22):
a ball and throw it in the trash.
I'm being for real, and thereason I say that is because I
there are so many people I willtry to talk to about something
like this, and the fact is, Ican come up with a hundred ideas
.
What you can do tointentionally create time to
(02:42):
spend with your spouse Okay.
Well, that doesn't work.
Okay, we'll go try this, but atthe end of the day, I'm not
your personal problem solver, I.
That doesn't work.
Okay, we'll go try this, but atthe end of the day, I'm not
your personal problem solver.
I certainly couldn't do it hereon this podcast.
We all have to take ownership ofthe fact that we can solve our
own problems.
We can work through what thebarriers are.
We're adults.
If you're smart enough to goget a job and stay hired at that
(03:02):
job for any length of time,you're smart enough to go get a
job and stay hired at that jobfor any length of time.
You're smart enough to get withyour spouse and both of you put
your heads together and figureout what it's going to take to
intentionally spend timetogether, and you have to take
your excuses and throw them inthe trash.
I could sit here and spit out ahundred different ideas on what
(03:24):
to do for child care, or what todo if you have different
schedules.
You know he works a night shift, you work the day shift, or all
these different things.
You know, at the end of the day, you have to solve your own
problems and you have to make itwork and you have to make it
happen.
What I would rather talk aboutand I know this is a bit doom
(03:45):
and gloom are the consequencesof not doing it.
Yeah you will grow apart.
It's not an if, it's a when,and the when will be sooner
rather than later.
You will grow apart.
Your intimacy with one anotherwill fade.
(04:08):
When intimacy fades, passionfades.
And when we're talking aboutthe triangulation of love if you
know what that's, that's areference to the only thing
that'll then be keeping you twohanging on is just a commitment
which is empty love which isempty.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
Love is commitment.
It's empty.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
You both are like.
Well, we're committed to eachother.
That's it.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
We don't like each other.
We don't like each other.
That's it.
We don't like each other.
We don't like each other, nope.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
And it's like well, we're together for the kids,
right, I've seen that, and assoon as the kids go off to
college, the parents divorce.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:50):
And it affects them even when they're in college, by
the way.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
Just so we're clear.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
My best friend too Multiple best friends and so, um
, I actually saw it throw one ofmy best buddies career
trajectory off.
He had a a level of careerahead of him that he was very
much on track to achieve and hisparents divorced through him
(05:15):
for an emotional and mental loopthat threw that off really bad
and it took him years to recovercircle back around and be
successful.
So I saw a guy who Vanderbilt sosmart you gotta be smart to get
into Vanderbilt.
He was like a.
He was a very high GPA, highachieving individual and it was
(05:39):
his senior year of college.
His parents started theirdivorce at some point and then
over the summer it escalated andthen come fall, he had a 0.0
GPA.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
He was, I think, academically like expelled from
school.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
Do you think that may have affected his future career
?
100% so.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
Probably got kicked out of Vanderbilt.
Yeah, you just said he gotexpelled.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Yeah, for academics.
So when we talk aboutintentionally creating time to
spend together, you have tosolve the problems together, and
it can be an even biggerchallenge if the other person
doesn't want to.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
And that stinks.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
So for us, one of the things that you've said a lot
is we've been to, we've beenapart so much when we couldn't
control it, so we should.
How do you say it?
You say it better than this.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
No, I think you're on the right track.
We should not spend more timeapart from one another than what
we absolutely must.
When we were in the.
When I say we were in themilitary, when I was in the
military, it was.
If the army is not forcing usto be apart from one another,
let us not voluntarily be apartfrom one another.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
Now it's if you don't absolutely have to go somewhere
by yourself for work, let's notvoluntarily do that.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
Yeah, absolutely.
And so even when we brought ourkids home I mean before the
kids, of course, you know everynight could be date night.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
It was easier.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
It makes it a lot easier and it's cheaper because
you don't have to findbabysitters and logistically and
all of those things.
But even then there would stillbe times where I would say, oh,
I'm just so tired, like I'mtired from work or I'm tired for
whatever, and you would justnever let me take away, like you
would never let me get by withthose excuses.
(07:50):
You would always say, no, we'regoing to do this.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
It's very important that we do.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
And so you've really been more of the spearhead of
making sure our date nightshappen.
I've probably been more of thespearhead of okay, well, if
we're going to do them so often,then I want them to be fun and
not the same thing every time,Because our standard is, you
know, dinner and a movie.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
It's a different movie every time.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
You love the movie part, I love the dinner part.
So we've made kind of the thecompromise of I'll pick a new
place each time we go and that'smy favorite part of date night
and you'll pick the movie.
Or sometimes we'll go and dosomething completely different,
like Valentine's day this yearwe went and did painting or
we've done dance classes in thepast and things like that.
(08:38):
But it also doesn't just haveto be date nights.
I think people hereintentionally create time
together and they think, oh,like planning and yes logistic.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
It doesn't have to be fancy.
Spending time together is inthe evening.
Go for a walk.
The kids are old enough to justsit there and babysit themselves
for a minute.
Yeah, go for a walk around theneighborhood for an hour.
I promise you you'll both talk.
People naturally talk way morewhen they're walking.
(09:11):
It will build intimacy.
It will help keep the flamealive.
Some people like almost all theydo is go on walks together and
those people have pretty goodmarriages.
So when I say spend timetogether and throw away your
excuses, I mean that.
(09:33):
And it doesn't have to be afancy date night, it doesn't
have to be a fancy restaurant,it doesn't have to be fancy
plans.
You don't have to go skydiving,bungee jumping, ax throwing,
whatever it is.
You don't have to do some cool,unique activity every time,
even if you're both veryadventurous people.
If you can manage that, great.
I think everybody wishes theycould manage stuff like that,
(09:55):
and we've occasionally managedlike an axe throwing thing or
whatever.
But a lot of times we're luckyif we can pull off dinner in a
movie.
But that doesn't absolve us orexcuse us from even just sitting
on the couch together for 30minutes to an hour at the end of
(10:15):
the day, just talking.
Or sometimes it's even us, bothof us just laying in bed and,
as we're getting ready to fallasleep, talking.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
I mean that was last night.
We put the kids to bed a bitearly.
Eliana was wanting us to dostuff that's our daughter and
you and I said no, mommy anddaddy need to just go talk and
have time together.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
We did do that.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
Yeah, and so and that's the other part that I
think is key it can be reallyeasy to be distracted by the
kids.
When you're trying to have theintentional time together with
your spouse, you should alsohave intentional time as a
family.
But both of those are important, but you need.
But having intentional time asa family is not the same as
having intentional time withjust your husband or wife.
(11:03):
So making sure that the kidsaren't just easily interrupting,
taking your focus off of thatintentional time with your
spouse.
So put them to bed 30 minutesearly, an hour early.
There's no reason that youcan't do something like that, or
you wake both.
If you're both morning people,both of you wake up early
(11:25):
together and do something in themorning, but you find the time
because you have to make thetime.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
I would even go so far as to say that double dates,
as cool as they are, as fun asthey are, as much as we'd like
doing them on occasion not whatwe're talking about.
Parties, where the both of yougo to a party and socialize
again not what we're talking.
We're talking about time,correct Balls, where the both of
(11:57):
you go to a party and socializeagain.
Not, we're talking.
We're talking about workdinners, correct balls when we
used to go to the military ballstime, where it is just the two
of you locked together.
Your souls are interacting withone another.
That doesn't have to be talking.
It could be dancing.
That's a great way that peopledo it.
That's a lost art in the modernera.
I suck at it.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
You going to book dance classes for us?
Speaker 2 (12:14):
No, Well, maybe, maybe.
Speaker 1 (12:17):
You have to.
You said it on the podcast.
I have to now you have to.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
It can be a lot of things, but it needs to be the
two of you locked together, asif your souls are intertwining.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
And we're not just talking about sex either.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
No.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
So everything we're talking about is separate from
that.
Like this is actually likeCorrect Right.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
Yeah, time together and yeah, sexy time is great.
Not actually what I'm referringto Time where the two of you
engage Probably a good amount ofeye contact, like what we're
(13:03):
doing right here.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
I can feel the vibe.
Is this our intentional time?
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Yeah, this counts, no more date night this week.
I'm actually going to cancel itcause we're getting it right now
, uh, but it needs to be justthe two of you and, honestly, a
walk in the park, a walk in theneighborhood, dinner and a movie
those are great avenues toapproach it.
(13:27):
Um so um.
If I were to list takeaways, itwould be take your excuses and
throw them away.
Everybody's got excuses.
So tired of trying to talk topeople about something as
(13:48):
important as this and I'm justmet with a huge wall of excuses.
My message to folks is look,you're all adults, you've got to
figure it out, and it's veryimportant that you do so.
Overcome the excuses, and yourspouse may have excuses too.
(14:08):
This is one of those thingswhere I don't think it's
controlling to say this isimportant that we do, let's plan
it.
I insist.
The consequences are thatinevitably, you'll be in a dead
marriage.
The only thing keeping you guyshanging on is a commitment, and
that'll start fading.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
So we've taken a lot of those excuses off the table.
You don't have to worry aboutfinances, it can happen at home.
You don't have to worry aboutchild care it can happen at home
.
You can do both of those thingswhere you're going out.
But this is really just abouthow can you spend time together,
just the two of you, withoutdistractions.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
It doesn't have to be date night.
Speaker 1 (14:51):
It doesn't have to be date night.
So figure out a way to startdoing that together.
Even if it starts with 15minutes a night of just asking
each other about your day, thatcounts.
This doesn't have to be somegrand, expensive, elegant.
(15:13):
It can be.
You're in your pajamas, I wouldsay, drinking a glass of wine,
but that's terrible for yoursleep.
Don't do that.
Maybe it's in the morning,drinking a cup of coffee and
you're just connecting.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
You're just talking.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
It's literally that simple.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
Yes, and that will build intimacy, which I would
argue would likely build passionand keep your marriage from
being a dead shell of a marriage.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
So the biggest key takeaway from this week is just
do it.
Go and spend intentionalquality time with your husband,
with your wife, and bonus to goand spending quality time,
intentional quality time, withyour family as well.
But remember those aren't thesame things.
You need to do them differentlyand separately.
But I believe that you can.
(16:00):
You just have to prioritize itand make time to do it Until
next week.
Stay strong.
One of the things that listeners have been asking
about a lot lately is how do youintentionally spend more time
with your husband or with yourwife?
What are some ways that we cando that?
How can we actually do that?
And so for this episode today,I've asked my husband, rob, to
join me as we have thisconversation, because in some
(00:21):
ways, you could look at our lifeand say that we've spent a lot
of time together.
We were married eight yearsbefore we ever had kids.
It was just the two of us.
We traveled a lot, but we werealso separated a lot during
those first eight years of ourmarriage, with you being in the
military and being gone fortrainings and things like that.
So we actually have probably abit of a different perspective
(00:44):
about spending time togetherthan maybe some people do.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
I agree, yeah, so you know, intentionally creating
time to spend together is thetopic of the podcast today how
and why and the most importantthing about accomplishing
intentionally creating time tospend together is go, do it,
just just do it.
(01:09):
That's it, that's, that's mywhole speech.
Speaker 1 (01:14):
People have so many reasons as to why they can't.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
Thank you for attending my Ted talk, but no,
you raise a very good point andand that is kind of what I need
to address here Um, let's sayyou're listening to this podcast
and you're thinking to myselfyeah, okay, I get it.
I need to intentionally createtime to spend with my spouse, uh
(01:39):
, but you know, the kids and Ihave work and this and I I have
that and I've got book club andI have.
So what I want you to do ifyou're a listener is I want you
to go make that, that list, andwe're going to talk about it.
Go make a list on paper.
(02:01):
As long as you need, usemultiple pieces, everything,
keeping you yes.
And pause this podcast and gomake that list.
Okay, unpause, I hope you madethe list.
Now we're going to talk aboutit, take it, crumple it up into
(02:22):
a ball and throw it in the trash.
I'm being for real, and thereason I say that is because I
there are so many people I willtry to talk to about something
like this, and the fact is, Ican come up with a hundred ideas
.
What you can do tointentionally create time to
(02:42):
spend with your spouse Okay.
Well, that doesn't work.
Okay, we'll go try this, but atthe end of the day, I'm not
your personal problem solver, I.
That doesn't work.
Okay, we'll go try this, but atthe end of the day, I'm not
your personal problem solver.
I certainly couldn't do it hereon this podcast.
We all have to take ownership ofthe fact that we can solve our
own problems.
We can work through what thebarriers are.
We're adults.
If you're smart enough to goget a job and stay hired at that
(03:02):
job for any length of time,you're smart enough to go get a
job and stay hired at that jobfor any length of time.
You're smart enough to get withyour spouse and both of you put
your heads together and figureout what it's going to take to
intentionally spend timetogether, and you have to take
your excuses and throw them inthe trash.
I could sit here and spit out ahundred different ideas on what
(03:24):
to do for child care, or what todo if you have different
schedules.
You know he works a night shift, you work the day shift, or all
these different things.
You know, at the end of the day, you have to solve your own
problems and you have to make itwork and you have to make it
happen.
What I would rather talk aboutand I know this is a bit doom
(03:45):
and gloom are the consequencesof not doing it.
Yeah you will grow apart.
It's not an if, it's a when,and the when will be sooner
rather than later.
You will grow apart.
Your intimacy with one anotherwill fade.
(04:08):
When intimacy fades, passionfades.
And when we're talking aboutthe triangulation of love if you
know what that's, that's areference to the only thing
that'll then be keeping you twohanging on is just a commitment
which is empty love which isempty.
Speaker 1 (04:28):
Love is commitment.
It's empty.
Speaker 2 (04:30):
You both are like.
Well, we're committed to eachother.
That's it.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
We don't like each other.
We don't like each other.
That's it.
We don't like each other.
We don't like each other, nope.
Speaker 2 (04:39):
And it's like well, we're together for the kids,
right, I've seen that, and assoon as the kids go off to
college, the parents divorce.
Speaker 1 (04:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:50):
And it affects them even when they're in college, by
the way.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:53):
Just so we're clear.
Speaker 2 (04:55):
My best friend too Multiple best friends and so, um
, I actually saw it throw one ofmy best buddies career
trajectory off.
He had a a level of careerahead of him that he was very
much on track to achieve and hisparents divorced through him
(05:15):
for an emotional and mental loopthat threw that off really bad
and it took him years to recovercircle back around and be
successful.
So I saw a guy who Vanderbilt sosmart you gotta be smart to get
into Vanderbilt.
He was like a.
He was a very high GPA, highachieving individual and it was
(05:39):
his senior year of college.
His parents started theirdivorce at some point and then
over the summer it escalated andthen come fall, he had a 0.0
GPA.
Speaker 1 (05:54):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (05:55):
He was, I think, academically like expelled from
school.
Speaker 1 (06:00):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (06:03):
Do you think that may have affected his future career
?
100% so.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
Probably got kicked out of Vanderbilt.
Yeah, you just said he gotexpelled.
Speaker 2 (06:10):
Yeah, for academics.
So when we talk aboutintentionally creating time to
spend together, you have tosolve the problems together, and
it can be an even biggerchallenge if the other person
doesn't want to.
Speaker 1 (06:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (06:25):
And that stinks.
Speaker 1 (06:27):
So for us, one of the things that you've said a lot
is we've been to, we've beenapart so much when we couldn't
control it, so we should.
How do you say it?
You say it better than this.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
No, I think you're on the right track.
We should not spend more timeapart from one another than what
we absolutely must.
When we were in the.
When I say we were in themilitary, when I was in the
military, it was.
If the army is not forcing usto be apart from one another,
let us not voluntarily be apartfrom one another.
Speaker 1 (07:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (07:07):
Now it's if you don't absolutely have to go somewhere
by yourself for work, let's notvoluntarily do that.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
Yeah, absolutely.
And so even when we brought ourkids home I mean before the
kids, of course, you know everynight could be date night.
Speaker 2 (07:27):
It was easier.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
It makes it a lot easier and it's cheaper because
you don't have to findbabysitters and logistically and
all of those things.
But even then there would stillbe times where I would say, oh,
I'm just so tired, like I'mtired from work or I'm tired for
whatever, and you would justnever let me take away, like you
would never let me get by withthose excuses.
(07:50):
You would always say, no, we'regoing to do this.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
It's very important that we do.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
And so you've really been more of the spearhead of
making sure our date nightshappen.
I've probably been more of thespearhead of okay, well, if
we're going to do them so often,then I want them to be fun and
not the same thing every time,Because our standard is, you
know, dinner and a movie.
Speaker 2 (08:14):
It's a different movie every time.
Speaker 1 (08:16):
You love the movie part, I love the dinner part.
So we've made kind of the thecompromise of I'll pick a new
place each time we go and that'smy favorite part of date night
and you'll pick the movie.
Or sometimes we'll go and dosomething completely different,
like Valentine's day this yearwe went and did painting or
we've done dance classes in thepast and things like that.
(08:38):
But it also doesn't just haveto be date nights.
I think people hereintentionally create time
together and they think, oh,like planning and yes logistic.
Speaker 2 (08:48):
It doesn't have to be fancy.
Spending time together is inthe evening.
Go for a walk.
The kids are old enough to justsit there and babysit themselves
for a minute.
Yeah, go for a walk around theneighborhood for an hour.
I promise you you'll both talk.
People naturally talk way morewhen they're walking.
(09:11):
It will build intimacy.
It will help keep the flamealive.
Some people like almost all theydo is go on walks together and
those people have pretty goodmarriages.
So when I say spend timetogether and throw away your
excuses, I mean that.
(09:33):
And it doesn't have to be afancy date night, it doesn't
have to be a fancy restaurant,it doesn't have to be fancy
plans.
You don't have to go skydiving,bungee jumping, ax throwing,
whatever it is.
You don't have to do some cool,unique activity every time,
even if you're both veryadventurous people.
If you can manage that, great.
I think everybody wishes theycould manage stuff like that,
(09:55):
and we've occasionally managedlike an axe throwing thing or
whatever.
But a lot of times we're luckyif we can pull off dinner in a
movie.
But that doesn't absolve us orexcuse us from even just sitting
on the couch together for 30minutes to an hour at the end of
(10:15):
the day, just talking.
Or sometimes it's even us, bothof us just laying in bed and,
as we're getting ready to fallasleep, talking.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
I mean that was last night.
We put the kids to bed a bitearly.
Eliana was wanting us to dostuff that's our daughter and
you and I said no, mommy anddaddy need to just go talk and
have time together.
Speaker 2 (10:39):
We did do that.
Speaker 1 (10:40):
Yeah, and so and that's the other part that I
think is key it can be reallyeasy to be distracted by the
kids.
When you're trying to have theintentional time together with
your spouse, you should alsohave intentional time as a
family.
But both of those are important, but you need.
But having intentional time asa family is not the same as
having intentional time withjust your husband or wife.
(11:03):
So making sure that the kidsaren't just easily interrupting,
taking your focus off of thatintentional time with your
spouse.
So put them to bed 30 minutesearly, an hour early.
There's no reason that youcan't do something like that, or
you wake both.
If you're both morning people,both of you wake up early
(11:25):
together and do something in themorning, but you find the time
because you have to make thetime.
Speaker 2 (11:33):
I would even go so far as to say that double dates,
as cool as they are, as fun asthey are, as much as we'd like
doing them on occasion not whatwe're talking about.
Parties, where the both of yougo to a party and socialize
again not what we're talking.
We're talking about time,correct Balls, where the both of
(11:57):
you go to a party and socializeagain.
Not, we're talking.
We're talking about workdinners, correct balls when we
used to go to the military ballstime, where it is just the two
of you locked together.
Your souls are interacting withone another.
That doesn't have to be talking.
It could be dancing.
That's a great way that peopledo it.
That's a lost art in the modernera.
I suck at it.
Speaker 1 (12:13):
You going to book dance classes for us?
Speaker 2 (12:14):
No, Well, maybe, maybe.
Speaker 1 (12:17):
You have to.
You said it on the podcast.
I have to now you have to.
Speaker 2 (12:21):
It can be a lot of things, but it needs to be the
two of you locked together, asif your souls are intertwining.
Speaker 1 (12:32):
And we're not just talking about sex either.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
No.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
So everything we're talking about is separate from
that.
Like this is actually likeCorrect Right.
Speaker 2 (12:43):
Yeah, time together and yeah, sexy time is great.
Not actually what I'm referringto Time where the two of you
engage Probably a good amount ofeye contact, like what we're
(13:03):
doing right here.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
I can feel the vibe.
Is this our intentional time?
Speaker 2 (13:07):
Yeah, this counts, no more date night this week.
I'm actually going to cancel itcause we're getting it right now
, uh, but it needs to be justthe two of you and, honestly, a
walk in the park, a walk in theneighborhood, dinner and a movie
those are great avenues toapproach it.
(13:27):
Um so um.
If I were to list takeaways, itwould be take your excuses and
throw them away.
Everybody's got excuses.
So tired of trying to talk topeople about something as
(13:48):
important as this and I'm justmet with a huge wall of excuses.
My message to folks is look,you're all adults, you've got to
figure it out, and it's veryimportant that you do so.
Overcome the excuses, and yourspouse may have excuses too.
(14:08):
This is one of those thingswhere I don't think it's
controlling to say this isimportant that we do, let's plan
it.
I insist.
The consequences are thatinevitably, you'll be in a dead
marriage.
The only thing keeping you guyshanging on is a commitment, and
that'll start fading.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
So we've taken a lot of those excuses off the table.
You don't have to worry aboutfinances, it can happen at home.
You don't have to worry aboutchild care it can happen at home
.
You can do both of those thingswhere you're going out.
But this is really just abouthow can you spend time together,
just the two of you, withoutdistractions.
Speaker 2 (14:49):
It doesn't have to be date night.
Speaker 1 (14:51):
It doesn't have to be date night.
So figure out a way to startdoing that together.
Even if it starts with 15minutes a night of just asking
each other about your day, thatcounts.
This doesn't have to be somegrand, expensive, elegant.
(15:13):
It can be.
You're in your pajamas, I wouldsay, drinking a glass of wine,
but that's terrible for yoursleep.
Don't do that.
Maybe it's in the morning,drinking a cup of coffee and
you're just connecting.
Speaker 2 (15:25):
You're just talking.
Speaker 1 (15:26):
It's literally that simple.
Speaker 2 (15:29):
Yes, and that will build intimacy, which I would
argue would likely build passionand keep your marriage from
being a dead shell of a marriage.
Speaker 1 (15:39):
So the biggest key takeaway from this week is just
do it.
Go and spend intentionalquality time with your husband,
with your wife, and bonus to goand spending quality time,
intentional quality time, withyour family as well.
But remember those aren't thesame things.
You need to do them differentlyand separately.
But I believe that you can.
(16:00):
You just have to prioritize itand make time to do it Until
next week.
Stay strong.
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