December 31, 2024 • 40 mins
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One of my favorite weeks of the year every year is the week between Christmas and New Years. I sit down and reflect on the last year and plan out my goals and dreams for the new year.
In this episode, I’ll guide you through how to set attainable goals. Let’s go into the new year striving to be the best versions of ourselves… Let’s dive in!
Your Host: Kimberly Beam Holmes, Expert in Self-Improvement and Relationships
Kimberly Beam Holmes has applied her master's degree in psychology for over ten years, acting as the CEO of Marriage Helper & CEO and Creator of PIES University, being a wife and mother herself, and researching how attraction affects relationships. Her videos, podcasts, and following reach over 500,000 people a month who are making changes and becoming the best they can be.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
In this week's episode, I take you through one
of my favorite things that I doevery single year, which is goal
setting.
I take you through the processthat I go through every year to
think back to what happened thispast year what are the things
that I would love to see happenin the next year, and then
actually plan out what that'sgoing to look like.
(00:20):
In this episode, I'll beencouraging you to write things
down, to actually do this, sothat you have a plan for working
on becoming your best self in2025.
Also, stay tuned for nextweek's episode because we drop
something brand new.
There's going to be some funchanges to the it Starts With
Attraction podcast, so make surethat you're following us on
(00:42):
Apple Podcasts or wherever youlisten to your podcast.
Or, if you're watching us onYouTube, be sure that you're
subscribed so that you don'tmiss the new and exciting
changes coming to it Starts WithAttraction.
Let's dive in to this week'sepisode.
One of my favorite weeks of theentire year is the week after
Christmas and before New Year's,and the reason this is one of
(01:04):
my favorite weeks is because,over the past two to three years
, I've become very intentionalwith taking this week as a time
that I set aside for reflection,looking backwards as to what
has happened over the past year,but also as planning, where I'm
looking forward to the nextyear and outlining the plans and
(01:25):
the goals and the dreams that Ihave for what I would love to
see happen in that followingyear.
You see, for me what I used todo is I used to do the whole New
Year's resolution thing whereon January 1st I would think of
something I wanted to dodifferent that year, and one
year it was that I was going toread a book, I think.
At first it was a book everyweek and I realized real quick
(01:48):
that reading 52 books a year isquite difficult.
So I think I changed it to twobooks a month.
But even then it was somethingthat I really only stuck with
for January, february and thenkind of just got off the
bandwagon.
Life got in the way.
I stopped focusing on it and Istopped reading and therefore,
(02:09):
come summertime I lookedbackward and realized that was
not a New Year's resolution thatI could ever follow through
with.
Well, I take that back.
I could have followed throughwith it, but I didn't set myself
up for success in being able tofollow through with it, because
I didn't do the process thatI'm going to share with you in
today's podcast.
Now, I'm not saying you have todo New Year's resolutions.
(02:31):
My husband is very much againstNew Year's resolutions for that
exact reason.
He doesn't want to just setsomething or say that he's going
to do something and then notfollow through with it.
He wants to be intentionalabout what he says and what he
does, which is smart, and I wantyou to do the same, which is
why, three years ago, I decidedthat if I wanted to actually
(02:53):
meet my goals and achieve thethings that I wanted to achieve
in my life, then it was worth metaking a week of my time,
putting most everything else Icould off my plate, taking time
off of work Kids were alreadyhome, so maybe finding a
babysitter or taking them to thegrandparents' house during the
day for a couple of days andallowing me to have the silence,
(03:16):
the time and the space to think.
How often in our daily lives dowe drown out the noise, silence
the noise and put ourselves ina position where we can think
about what we really want to dowith our lives, and that's
probably one of the mostimportant things we need to do.
(03:39):
So what I want to encourage youwith is to become intentional
this year in looking backwardand planning forward so that you
can get the most out of yourgoal planning, your goal setting
and achieving the things thatyou so deeply desire to do with
your life.
I call this my time of planningforward, thinking forward,
(04:03):
dreaming forward, lookingforward and making a plan to
succeed.
So here is how it works.
During this time, I typicallytake two or three days where,
for four or five, six hours eachof those days, I'm turning off
my phone, getting away from mycomputer, taking an actual
notebook and pen and maybegetting out of my house, either
(04:25):
going on a hike or going to acoffee shop, and I'm just
getting away from my normalroutine so that my brain has the
ability to disconnect from allof the things that my brain is
going to say I need to do, Ineed to unload the dishwasher, I
need to check Instagram, I needto check my email.
No, I don't need any of thosedistractions during this time.
This is my time.
(04:46):
For me, I view this as theultimate form of self-care,
because I'm taking time formyself and really, really
narrowing down and narrowing inon what's important to me and
where I want to spend my timeover the next year, so that I
can be in control of my scheduleand where I'm putting my eyes,
(05:09):
where I'm putting my time, whatis getting my attention
throughout the year, as opposedto other things getting control
of me.
That's not the way I want tolive my life.
See, the struggle is we getcaught in this hamster wheel of
life and we keep doing thingsthe way we have always done it,
because it's easy or becausewe're busy, or because we don't
know where to start to do thingsdifferently in order for our
(05:30):
life to look different.
What I have found is thattaking this time, a couple of
days at the end of every year,really helps me to reset and
recharge so that I know where tofocus and what to do in the
coming year.
I found that the best way tostart doing new things and
creating change in my life isthrough this special time that
(05:53):
is my end of year planning.
So here's what I do I get tothe silent spot, I pull out my
notebook and my pen because I'msuper old school and I start
with looking back.
So I look back to the entireyear, that has already happened.
So in this year, when I'mrecording this, this year has
been 2020.
And I'm actually in the processthis week of doing this
(06:17):
exercise that I'm talking about,and so, as I'm looking back
into 2020, the first thing Istart with is what are my
favorite parts of the year, whathave been the best things that
have happened, what have beenmajor successes or things that I
wasn't even planning for,couldn't have planned for, but
ended up happening anyway?
And, of course, in 2020, whenwe look back at the things we
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couldn't have planned for,that's probably going to be the
majority of it.
But in this first part, I'mreally focusing on what am I
grateful for and you know what,even with all of the craziness
of this year, I have so much tobe grateful for.
So, as I'm writing, I amwriting out how I am grateful
(07:01):
that I have been able to spendmore time with my children than
I ever thought possible and, yes, while that has been a struggle
and very draining at times, ithas also been something that has
really brought me and mychildren and my husband closer
together more times than not,because we've actually been
together Real quick.
(07:22):
Just as a side note, when welook at the research of what
makes strong families, it's notquality time, it's quantity time
.
So this year, even though itmight have been stressful many
times, you can rejoice and begrateful for the fact that if
you have spent more time withyour spouse or your children
because of the circumstances ofthis year, then it is creating a
stronger family, so alwayssomething to be grateful for.
(07:47):
When I look back at 2020, I alsosee that with my company that
I'm the CEO of, with Pies, andwith Marriage Helper, with
Marriage Helper, we were able tomove so many things online that
we never would have doneotherwise Our workshops, all of
those things.
Also, the time this year that Iwas able to be out of the
office and have more time tothink and to write and to
(08:08):
journal also led to thebeginning of this podcast.
It was something I alwayswanted to do, or at least for
the past year, it's really beenon my heart to do it.
Like in 2019, it started beingon my heart that I wanted to do
it, but 2020 allowed me thespace to do it and it ended up
looking different and being in adifferent location than I
thought it would be.
But because of the events ofthis year.
(08:31):
I was able to start thispodcast, which is something I'm
grateful for.
I also look back and I can begrateful that we have been safe,
that God has provided.
There's just there's so manythings I could write here, and I
want to encourage you to do thesame.
Think back to some of yourfavorite parts of this year,
(08:53):
some of the best parts of thisyear, and just let your mind go
as to what you're grateful for,and if this fills up 15 pages,
then that's amazing.
There's definitely no limit,because this is one of the most
important parts of what you'redoing, because you're really
going to see.
After you do this and look back, you're going to start seeing a
(09:16):
theme of the things that makeyou happy, that brought you joy
and that brought you gratitude.
A lot of mine, when I look backat it, end up being that, while
I would have never wanted towork from home, I'm really
grateful for the fact that Ihave the time with my family,
that I have more control over myown schedule and that is going
(09:37):
to inform me about decisions Iwant to make going into the next
year, because I can see thethings that worked for me,
whereas if I didn't take thetime to, because I can see the
things that worked for me,whereas if I didn't take the
time to look back and see thethings I was grateful for or the
favorite parts of the year,then I might miss including
those things in 2021, which isthe year after when I'm
(09:57):
recording this episode.
Another thing that reallyworked amazingly and I loved
this year was my husband and Itook a three-day weekend for my
birthday.
The kids went to grandparents'house, we went and stayed at a
hotel in Nashville, so we didn'tgo super far, but we did a full
spa day.
We did all the works because,oh my goodness, did we need it?
(10:20):
Because we had not been out ofour house for what?
Six months.
But that was something I endedup loving and definitely a
tradition I want to keep with myhusband in the years going
forward, where we have for mybirthday weekend, a weekend of
pampering, a weekend of beingtogether and a weekend of eating
delicious food, because, let'sbe real, it's kind of my
favorite thing in the world.
(10:40):
But looking back and seeingthose things are going to be
helpful to you After that.
Then look back and think of thestruggles that you've went
through this year and how youovercame them or are overcoming
them, and ask yourself whatlessons have I learned in the
struggles that I've encountered?
I've shared some of this in thepodcast, but one of the biggest
(11:04):
struggles that I haveencountered this year has
actually been a health strugglewhere, at the beginning of this
year, my doctor did a hormonetest a lot of hormone testing on
me and found that my body isaccumulating cortisone
metabolized cortisone, which isbasically after cortisol goes
into your body, and I'm surethis isn't 100% accurate.
So any medical professionalsyou'll be able to.
Cortisone metabolized cortisone, which is basically after
cortisol goes into your body,and I'm sure this isn't 100%
(11:27):
accurate.
So any medical professionalsyou'll be able to understand
this or help me say it evenbetter.
But basically it's like whencortisol occurs in our bodies,
then our body needs to get ridof it and my body basically just
takes the cortisol that hashappened and kind of puts it in
trash bags, so to say, and putsit out to the curb so that the
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trash service can come and getit.
But the trash service is nevercoming.
So there's just thisaccumulation of stress in my
body and up until this year Ijust thought this was normal,
that the impatience that I hador how quickly I would get
stressed out, or the anxietythat I struggle with, that this
was just how I was, this is howit had to be.
(12:12):
And it wasn't until this yearwhere, first of all, I realized
I wasn't crazy and I actuallydid have something medically
going on that was leading tothis enormous amount of stress
that I would feel, that wasleading to this enormous amount
of stress that I would feel.
But also, it was this year thatI had to realize that I had to
make changes in my life in orderto reduce stress, and stress is
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one of the leading causes ofhealth problems.
And it's easy to think, no,it's fine, this is just how it
is.
I just need to work harder, Ijust need to, you know, not get
as much sleep so I can geteverything done, and we don't
think about the fact that we'regoing to pay for it later
because it doesn't seem asimminent as a current medical
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diagnosis.
But if these are the thingsthat lead to that in my future,
then I want to fix it now.
So that has been a struggle forme redoing my life being a
person, me being a person who, Iguess, apparently, is a type A
person.
I love to get stuff done.
I love to always be working.
I'm not a person who rests.
I hate to rest.
(13:16):
This year I had to learn how torest and that might sound
ridiculous to some of you thatthat's been a struggle, but you
have to realize that I have tiedmy worth into what I do and so
it's actually very difficult forme to not work, to stop, to not
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even work out on a day, becauseI'm tying my self-worth to it
and that has not been healthy.
This year I've overcome a lot ofmy disordered eating thoughts
of how I would have fear I meanpanic attacks, thinking about
even eating a pizza which isn'thealthy and I've had to overcome
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how I view my body and how Ilove myself and the way I talk
about myself and the way I thinkabout myself, and that has been
difficult, but it's been sofreeing.
I've had a lot of strugglesthis year because of what's been
happening in 2020 with myanxiety.
I've struggled with generalanxiety disorder for at least a
(14:24):
decade now and this year has notmade it easier and I've had to
really, really pause and pointand call out the things in my
life that aren't true, that arefear-based, that I've had to
stop my mind from ruminating onthoughts that are destructive,
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and that's been difficult, butI've been working to overcome
them through relationships,through prayer, through
journaling, through meditation,through taking more rest days,
through emphasizing sleep,through getting rid of coffee,
and many of those things haveworked for me.
So, as I'm journaling andthinking about this past year,
I'm going to write what mystruggles have been.
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My husband and I we've hadstruggles even in our
relationship this year, as we'vebeen at home together more than
we ever have before, and thestress of the year leads to more
tension in our conversations,even with political differences
and things that are happeningand ways that we see things
differently.
We've had to learn how tonavigate those conversations by
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listening to each other withrespect and remembering that we
are on each other's team and, atthe end of the day, we love
each other.
Those are the things that Iwant to remember how we overcame
those or are overcoming thoseeither me personally or things
with my family.
It's going to help me see whatI want to continue to do next
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year, and then the next thingthat I ask myself is what was
something I wanted to do thisyear but I didn't get a chance,
and is it something I still wantto do?
Going forward, or have mypriorities changed this year?
I had grandiose ideas of so manythings happening with our
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office, with things that I'mdoing with.
It Starts With Attraction andPies University, and a lot of
those ended up getting put onhold because my attention was
needed other places.
My attention was needed with myfamily, my attention was needed
with my husband or with my kidsand I needed a break.
I needed a mental break.
(16:34):
So now I look forward and I sayare those things that are still
priorities for me?
And a lot of those things aredifficult for me to give up,
because part of it kind of makesme feel like I'm giving up on
myself.
Maybe when I went off socialmedia three and a half months
ago now, that was a verydifficult thing for me, because
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one of the priorities that I hadfor this year was to really do
more on Instagram, connect morewith others, grow the audience.
So that I had for this year wasto really do more on Instagram,
connect more with others, growthe audience so that I could be
a voice of hope and truth forother people.
But in September I was burntout.
I had started my PhD, plus myfamily, plus the businesses that
I run, and it was too much.
But, honestly, it wasn't out ofthis place of courage and
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confidence that I left socialmedia.
It was from a place of I'mscared that I have tied a lot of
my worth into what I'm doingthere and how people are
interacting with me, and so itwas scary for me to leave.
But I knew I needed to for mymental health, for my family's
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health, for a lot of reasons.
And now that I've had three anda half months of being off,
there's definitely part of methat, when I'm looking forward,
I'm asking myself is itsomething that I want to go back
to?
And I do, but I'm going to beway smarter about how I do it.
Going forward, but think aboutall of these things for you.
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What are the things you havebeen grateful for, what are the
struggles that you have had andovercome or are in the process
of overcoming, and what are thethings you wanted to do but
didn't get a chance?
And then the next part of thisis you begin to look forward.
So it may take you a day or two, just in looking backwards.
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It may only take you an hour,and that's totally fine as well.
The point is that you're takingthe time and you're being
intentional about reallyfocusing on this, and then, when
you start to look forward, thisis where things get exciting.
Now you are primed in your mindof the things that you have
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appreciated and found joy in inthis past year, things that you
are proud of yourself for doing,things that you are viewing as
accomplishments and successes,and so this is the perfect time
for you to begin thinking ofwhat you want to do next year.
So one way you can do this issimply by starting a list of
things you want to do next yearand just write down what comes
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to your mind.
I had a friend ask me this acouple of weeks ago.
He said, kimberly, what areyour goals for next year?
And he had just told me abouthis goals that he had made for
himself, and I was loving thethings.
He said Kimberly, what are yourgoals for next year?
And he had just told me abouthis goals that he had made for
himself, and I was loving thethings that he said.
And when he said, what are thegoals that you have for next
year.
I honestly hadn't yet thoughtabout it because I wasn't at my
end of the year yet, so I hadn'tput too much thought into it,
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although I had general ideas andI just started listing things.
The first thing I said was Iwant to invest in more
friendships in the Nashvillearea.
One of the things I've realized, especially this year, is that
I have friends in Alabama or inCalifornia or in New York, but I
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don't have a ton of friends, orat least good, close friends
that live in my area that I canget together with for lunch or
go to coffee with or go for ahike with, and that's something
that I know that I need.
But more than that I reallywant.
I want those, I want thatcamaraderie, I want those people
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that I can call on a day whereI'm feeling down and just go
meet with them.
That's something I think we'veall missed a little bit in this
year.
So I said I want to invest inreally focusing and being
intentional on developing threefriendships in the Nashville
area people that I can be closewith and then I continued on
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from there.
I said I want to really beintentional next year about
every quarter, taking a four-dayweekend with my family and
going somewhere, and it doesn'teven have to be extravagant, it
can even be a staycation whereeach day we're going hiking at a
new place or going to the zoo,or maybe we do go somewhere
closer or maybe we go to thebeach, which would be amazing.
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But I also want to take twoweeks out of the year next year
to do a bigger trip with myfamily, or even with just me and
my husband, depending on wherewe want to go.
And the reason that isimportant to me which I'll
explain the importance ofknowing this later is because I
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crave adventure, I cravespontaneity, I love new
experiences.
These are things thatrejuvenate me.
This is a way of relaxation forme being able to see the world
in a new way, see new things.
I love this Eat new foodfavorite thing in the world.
So that's something that Ireally want to focus on
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prioritizing as I go into nextyear and taking the time to be
intentional about doing it withmy family as well.
When I was young, my dad was avery well-known speaker,
traveled all over the world andall over America speaking, and
one of my favorite memories as achild I mean a young child,
four, five, six, seven years oldwas going with my parents when
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my dad would be speaking inColorado and New Mexico and
Hawaii, california.
I went to so many places withmy family and that really
instilled this love of travel inme and new experiences, and
it's something I want to give tomy children as well.
So all of these things areimportant to me.
So when I'm looking forwardinto next year, these are the
things I'm thinking of.
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Another huge one that I had isI really want to start
volunteering.
I really, at least one time amonth, want to go somewhere and
see people connect with them, dosomething to help the community
, my local community.
That's something that's reallyimportant to me.
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It has been for many years, butit's something that I've gotten
out of the habit of doing and Ireally want to be intentional
about doing it again next year.
Another way that you can lookforward and begin planning to
the things that you want tohappen next year is view it in
terms of the pies, so you canbegin asking yourself physically
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, intellectually, emotionallyand spiritually, where would I
like to be at the end of theyear If I get to December 31st
2021, which is this next year.
So, depending on when youlisten to this, just change the
dates.
But if I get to this last dayof the year, what would I love
to look back and haveaccomplished physically or
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intellectually or emotionally orspiritually?
And maybe you fill in all ofthose, or maybe you just focus
on one of those areas, and itcould be whichever one you feel
most strongly about going intothe year.
If you have an intuition or youfeel like you're being guided
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into really focusing on one area, then don't force yourself to
do all four right now.
Listen to yourself and reallyfocus on that one.
Maybe you look at the emotionalpart and you say you know what
it's all about connection withother people, evoking emotions
within others.
They enjoy feeling, beingself-aware of myself.
So how can I be moreemotionally attractive?
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What are some things I can do?
If I get to December 31st andlook backward, what would I like
to have seen happen?
And maybe you begin saying youknow, I want to see that I spent
more time with my children.
Or maybe you're saying I wantto see that I spent more time
with my children.
Or maybe you're saying I wantto see that I dealt with my
anger issues, or I dealt with myaddiction, or that I did some
deep work and got therapy for apast trauma that I've gone
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through, or I've forgivensomeone who's really hurt me.
Whatever that is for you andonly you know.
You begin to write that down,and right now we're not going to
get into the specifics of howyou're going to do it.
We'll do that in just a minute,but at least get the big idea
out there.
If it's physically, then beginasking yourself what that looks
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like At the end of the year.
What do you want to haveaccomplished?
Is it that you want to gainweight, that you want to lose
weight?
Is it that you want to haveaccomplished?
Is it that you want to gainweight, that you want to lose
weight?
Is it that you want to haveeliminated things from your diet
that don't make you feel good?
Or you want to get your bloodsugar better, or you want to
have less chronic pain, or youwant to sleep eight hours a
night and have good, restfulsleep.
Whatever it is that you want toaccomplish physically, write
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those things down, and if youhave 20 things at the end of
writing it down, then we'regoing to need to narrow some
things down or at least compilethem to make the list shorter,
but right now there's no limits.
Just start writing down what iscoming to mind and is important
to you and that is the mostimportant part of this when you
begin looking forward into thedreams and goals that you want
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to achieve in your life.
If it's not important to you,then you don't need to do it.
You don't need to writesomething down because you've
heard other people say it, orbecause it's what your parents
wanted you to do, or it'sbecause it's what you feel like
others are expecting of you.
No, you only focus on thethings that you have a strong
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passion for.
Why?
Because if you are notcommitted to, then you won't
stay committed.
If you don't have a passion ora drive to actually do any of
the things that you have listed,then you're not going to follow
through with them.
And then you're going to get tothe end of the year, look back
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and you're going to feel bad.
You're going to feel like afailure.
But you didn't fail, you justchose the wrong goals.
But it can easily put you intothat negative cycle of saying
see, I can't do anything, but inthe grand reality, you were
letting other people tell youwhat you needed to do, or at
least the voice in your mind ofother people telling you what
(26:45):
you needed to do, instead ofdoing what you wanted to do.
Going forward Now, caveat here,of course, I am trusting that
you are self-aware people whoare not completely selfish and
prideful and are just going tobe doing things to make you
wealthier or greater or moresuccessful at the expense of the
other people in your lifebecause that is not something I
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would ever condone but thatyou're looking to become a more
attractive person in all of theareas that we talk about, in all
of the pies physically,intellectually, emotionally and
spiritually.
And if you're doing that, thenyou're focusing on other people,
on how you can do greater goodfor the world, on how you can
love people better, on how youcan show up and be a more
present and active part of therelationships in your life.
(27:31):
And so when that is what'sguiding you, then I believe that
your desires and your intuitionis going to be better than if
you're simply focused on allabout you.
And if you're saying well,right now I do feel like I am
focused on all about me.
Maybe you're trying to grow abusiness, or maybe you just know
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that you struggle with prideand ego.
Then that might be one of thethings that you want to work on
changing in the next year.
But, all of this being said,you need to have a strong why
associated with each thing thatyou want to do.
It's easy to say I want to lose10 pounds, or I want to go back
to school and finish my degree,but why are you saying it?
(28:14):
Is it because you feel likeit's low-hanging fruit?
Everyone says it.
It's January, of course it'sthe time I need to say that I
need to lose a certain amount ofweight.
But do you really want to?
Do you really care?
And it's okay for you to not.
You might be saying I need togo back and finish my degree.
Okay.
Why do you want to?
Is it because you know if youhave that degree, you're going
(28:37):
to have better opportunities?
Is it because you really have astrong desire to learn?
Is it even just because youwant to show yourself you can do
it?
Those are all great reasons,but it needs to be important to
you, because if you're onlydoing it to make someone else
happy, or if you're only doingit because you feel like then
you'll love yourself, else happy, or if you're only doing it
(28:58):
because you feel like thenyou'll love yourself.
Those are not the reasons to doit.
It's okay to not finish adegree.
It's okay to not lose weight.
If you don't want to do it, youneed to do the things that are
going to make you the healthiestthat you can be.
Of course, I advocate forpeople to continue to learn and
to be the healthiest that theycan for their age and situation
(29:18):
in their body and to take careof yourself.
But at the end of the day, youmight have a warped view of what
your body should look like andyou might be chasing something
that, honestly, isn't evenattainable.
Nor should it be, because maybeit's not even healthy for you
to be what you think in yourmind that you need to be chasing
.
And if you're the person who isconstantly doing the yo-yo
(29:41):
dieting, or you're trying andit's not working and you just
don't know what to do, thenmaybe you need to take it off of
your list that you need to loseweight and maybe instead you
need to focus on you want tosleep more, you want to feel
better, you want to eat foodsthat make you feel good.
All just suggestions.
Of course, you have to do whatyou are excited to do.
(30:08):
So after you've listed all ofthese things out what your goals
are, what you would like toaccomplish then you go back
through and you make themspecific.
So you don't want to just say Iwant to feel better emotionally
.
You really need to get specificof what that means.
Where do you not feel goodemotionally now?
I've seen it a lot of timesthis way, where a husband will
say I want to be a betterhusband.
Great, I support this 110%.
(30:32):
What do you need to do in orderto be a better husband?
Specifically, why do you feellike you're not doing it now?
Is it because you're notspending enough time with your
wife?
Is it because you and your wifeare fighting a lot?
Is it because you haven't goneon a date night in five years?
What is it specifically you'relooking to change?
Because then you know whatactions to take only after you
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know the specific things youneed to do.
So if it's, I feel like my wifeand I fight every time we talk.
We just can't seem to get along.
Okay, great, now you at leasthave an idea of where to start.
You want to have betterconversations with your spouse,
so what can you do in order toget to that end goal?
You could begin by starting theyear saying hey, babe, listen,
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I know that we tend to fight alot and I apologize for what I
have done in that happening.
I don't want that to be the waythat we communicate with each
other.
I love you, I respect you and Ireally want to do my part in
letting us and helping us tohave better conversations where
we don't fight as much in thefuture but we listen to each
(31:40):
other and can really learn tocompromise and agree.
So what are some things I cando to help that happen?
That might be a place you startwhere you simply ask your wife.
You could also become moremindful of when you begin to get
angry, what things aretriggering you and becoming very
intentional about stopping thefight before it starts.
If you feel yourself gettingangry, if you know you're about
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to say something that is goingto just get on her nerves, be
aware of that and stop yourself.
You may even decide that youwant to be very proactive in
this and you want to get insomething that's going to help
you change your behavior.
I encourage all of the peoplewho are listening who are
married, to try and attend oneof the workshops that Marriage
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Helper has that is so amazing athelping to reset conversations,
communication, understand howto communicate in a better way
Three days of amazing contentthat I guarantee you will change
the way that you interact withyour spouse going forward.
But begin to do somethingthat's going to change that.
If you know you need to work onyourself and your anger, then
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begin to do that.
There's some ways to do it witha great counselor, or you can
even begin doing that by findinga mentor, finding a friend who
you believe can help you.
If you go to coffee with themand you can start sharing the
things you're struggling with.
A lot of times, we can begin tochange even just by having a
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close friend who can be anaccountability partner.
Journaling and meditation helpas well.
But whatever you decide you wantto focus on, then get specific
about what that outcome is.
If it's that you want to sleepbetter, how are you going to do
that?
Are you going to start settinga bedtime?
Are you going to change theenvironment in your bedroom?
Are you going to get an auraring, which is something I
(33:31):
recently purchased and I've hadit for three weeks now and it
has been amazing looking at theinsight of my sleep patterns and
how I'm sleeping through thenight.
Not sponsored, but I recommendit.
I've really liked my aura ringso far.
It's a ring that you wear onyour finger and it tracks your
heart rate and all of thesethings, so it can show you your
activity level through the night, through the day.
(33:52):
Very interesting stuff.
But get specific about what youwant to do and then from there,
once you know what you want todo, once you understand your end
goal, once you realize theactions you need to take to get
there, once you realize thespecific things that you need to
do to get to that goal, thenyou begin to work backward and
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say so what do I need to do on amonthly, weekly or daily basis
to get me there?
One of the things that Imentioned earlier was I want to
be more intentional aboutinvesting in three friendships
in the Nashville area.
So if I look to December 31stand I say by December 31st of
next year I want to have threepeople where I would feel
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comfortable calling them on thephone at any time where I would
feel comfortable going to lunchwith them once a month and I am
actually making the time to dothat Then I can begin looking
backward and saying so what do Ineed to do on a monthly basis
in order to get there?
Well, first I need to findthese friends.
(35:00):
This might sound ridiculous.
I need to identify thesefriends, and so I have some
people in my mind who I think Iwould want to start with and
just and just begin to call themor ask them to go to coffee or
ask them to go on a walk, andthen finding those times to
connect, being intentional aboutit, putting it in my schedule
(35:24):
and scheduling.
Every month, this is a day thatI'm going to spend time with a
friend, so I need to find whothat's going to be and begin to
invite them and justintentionally invest in the
relationship.
And it's the same with.
One of the other things that Ihad was I want to do a better
job meal planning next year,because I know for me that if I
(35:44):
can eat in a way that I feelgood, if the food that I'm
eating makes me feel good, thenI will be a much better person
throughout the day, and if Idon't have something easy to
make on hand, then, especiallyworking from home, it's super
easy to grab the chocolate orgoodness, whatever else is in
the fridge who knows what itmight be leftovers from my kids,
(36:06):
food which is not things thattypically make me feel good.
So I need to have meals thatare quick and ready and easy to
eat, but also delicious, because, you guys, I love food.
So what can I do?
If I'm looking at December 31stand looking back, then at that
time I want to be able to say Iam in a habit of every Sunday I
(36:28):
am getting my groceries, I amprepping food, I am meal
prepping so that throughout theweek, I am reaching for food
that is healthy, I know what'sgoing to be made each night of
the week, so that I, the week Iam reaching for food that is
healthy.
I know what's going to be madeeach night of the week, so that
I don't have to worry about itevery single day.
It frees up my mind fordecision-making.
So then, how can I workbackwards and start changing my
life in order to do that?
(36:48):
Well, part of this is justbeginning to schedule it and
making the effort, knowingthat's what I'm going to do on
Sundays, and getting into thatpractice of doing it on a
nightly basis.
Some of these can be a littlemore difficult, so one that
might be harder to wrap ourminds around is is that one of I
want to be a better wife?
How specifically at the end ofnext year, would I want to look
(37:10):
back and believe that I haveworked on becoming a better wife
?
For me, man, this is aninteresting one to talk about.
So for me, I would have to lookback into 2021 and say that I
want to feel like I've doneeverything I can to support my
husband.
He has.
(37:31):
When my husband got out of themilitary four years ago, it was
a very difficult transition forhim into the civilian world, as
it is for many, and when I lookback, especially on those first,
that first year or two once hegot out, I do not believe I was
supportive.
I do not believe I understoodhow he was feeling or where he
was coming from, and I wasviewing what he was going
(37:53):
through from my very type Apersonality of just go, do
something like I don't care whatit is, just go.
I don't think I was supportiveof him and I don't know.
I think if I were to ask himnow, he would feel like I am
supportive of him.
But I personally don't feellike I have been as supportive
(38:16):
towards and to my husband as Ican be and as I should be.
So when I look backwards fromnext year, I want to look back
and see that I was his biggestcheerleader.
So how does that look?
What would I have to do?
So how does that look?
What would I have to do?
(38:36):
This could be that Iintentionally, every week, go
out of my way to say somethingencouraging and nice to him,
that when he comes to me withideas or thoughts that I
encourage, before sayinganything about how it may not
work or has he thought of this?
But instead I'm supporting him.
I want him to see me as themost supportive wife in the
(39:00):
world.
So what can I do on a monthly,daily, weekly basis in order to
make that happen?
How can I go out of my way togive him more hugs, to give him
more human touch, so that hephysically knows I'm supporting
him?
Hugs to give him more humantouch, so that he physically
knows I'm supporting him.
And those are the ways that Ican begin to make my goals, set
(39:26):
my calendar and set mypriorities for things that I
want to do next year, in orderto look back and have achieved
the goals that I had andultimately become the person
that I want to be Now.
I want to encourage you to notoverload yourself, and if this
is something you are new to,then I want to encourage you to
do less than more until you geta hang of how this process works
(39:48):
.
You can always do this inFebruary, march, july, october.
It doesn't matter when you doit March, july, october.
It doesn't matter when you doit.
The point is that you becomeintentional about looking
forward and begin to plan yourlife so that one day you don't
look back and feel like yourlife is gone and you don't know
what you did with that time.
(40:09):
We want to get on the forefrontof that, be proactive rather
than reactive, and really becomeintentional about what our
priorities are, how we spend ourtime, who we spend it with, how
we spend our money, what impactwe make and what legacy we want
to leave in the long run.
I hope that this has beenencouraging to you, and I hope
(40:31):
this is a practice that youbegin to implement every year,
whether it's at the end,beginning, or somewhere smack
dab in the middle, wherever youdo it doesn't matter, as long as
you begin to do somethingthat's moving you towards being
the person that you want to be.
In this week's episode, I take you through one
of my favorite things that I doevery single year, which is goal
setting.
I take you through the processthat I go through every year to
think back to what happened thispast year what are the things
that I would love to see happenin the next year, and then
actually plan out what that'sgoing to look like.
(00:20):
In this episode, I'll beencouraging you to write things
down, to actually do this, sothat you have a plan for working
on becoming your best self in2025.
Also, stay tuned for nextweek's episode because we drop
something brand new.
There's going to be some funchanges to the it Starts With
Attraction podcast, so make surethat you're following us on
(00:42):
Apple Podcasts or wherever youlisten to your podcast.
Or, if you're watching us onYouTube, be sure that you're
subscribed so that you don'tmiss the new and exciting
changes coming to it Starts WithAttraction.
Let's dive in to this week'sepisode.
One of my favorite weeks of theentire year is the week after
Christmas and before New Year's,and the reason this is one of
(01:04):
my favorite weeks is because,over the past two to three years
, I've become very intentionalwith taking this week as a time
that I set aside for reflection,looking backwards as to what
has happened over the past year,but also as planning, where I'm
looking forward to the nextyear and outlining the plans and
(01:25):
the goals and the dreams that Ihave for what I would love to
see happen in that followingyear.
You see, for me what I used todo is I used to do the whole New
Year's resolution thing whereon January 1st I would think of
something I wanted to dodifferent that year, and one
year it was that I was going toread a book, I think.
At first it was a book everyweek and I realized real quick
(01:48):
that reading 52 books a year isquite difficult.
So I think I changed it to twobooks a month.
But even then it was somethingthat I really only stuck with
for January, february and thenkind of just got off the
bandwagon.
Life got in the way.
I stopped focusing on it and Istopped reading and therefore,
(02:09):
come summertime I lookedbackward and realized that was
not a New Year's resolution thatI could ever follow through
with.
Well, I take that back.
I could have followed throughwith it, but I didn't set myself
up for success in being able tofollow through with it, because
I didn't do the process thatI'm going to share with you in
today's podcast.
Now, I'm not saying you have todo New Year's resolutions.
(02:31):
My husband is very much againstNew Year's resolutions for that
exact reason.
He doesn't want to just setsomething or say that he's going
to do something and then notfollow through with it.
He wants to be intentionalabout what he says and what he
does, which is smart, and I wantyou to do the same, which is
why, three years ago, I decidedthat if I wanted to actually
(02:53):
meet my goals and achieve thethings that I wanted to achieve
in my life, then it was worth metaking a week of my time,
putting most everything else Icould off my plate, taking time
off of work Kids were alreadyhome, so maybe finding a
babysitter or taking them to thegrandparents' house during the
day for a couple of days andallowing me to have the silence,
(03:16):
the time and the space to think.
How often in our daily lives dowe drown out the noise, silence
the noise and put ourselves ina position where we can think
about what we really want to dowith our lives, and that's
probably one of the mostimportant things we need to do.
(03:39):
So what I want to encourage youwith is to become intentional
this year in looking backwardand planning forward so that you
can get the most out of yourgoal planning, your goal setting
and achieving the things thatyou so deeply desire to do with
your life.
I call this my time of planningforward, thinking forward,
(04:03):
dreaming forward, lookingforward and making a plan to
succeed.
So here is how it works.
During this time, I typicallytake two or three days where,
for four or five, six hours eachof those days, I'm turning off
my phone, getting away from mycomputer, taking an actual
notebook and pen and maybegetting out of my house, either
(04:25):
going on a hike or going to acoffee shop, and I'm just
getting away from my normalroutine so that my brain has the
ability to disconnect from allof the things that my brain is
going to say I need to do, Ineed to unload the dishwasher, I
need to check Instagram, I needto check my email.
No, I don't need any of thosedistractions during this time.
This is my time.
(04:46):
For me, I view this as theultimate form of self-care,
because I'm taking time formyself and really, really
narrowing down and narrowing inon what's important to me and
where I want to spend my timeover the next year, so that I
can be in control of my scheduleand where I'm putting my eyes,
(05:09):
where I'm putting my time, whatis getting my attention
throughout the year, as opposedto other things getting control
of me.
That's not the way I want tolive my life.
See, the struggle is we getcaught in this hamster wheel of
life and we keep doing thingsthe way we have always done it,
because it's easy or becausewe're busy, or because we don't
know where to start to do thingsdifferently in order for our
(05:30):
life to look different.
What I have found is thattaking this time, a couple of
days at the end of every year,really helps me to reset and
recharge so that I know where tofocus and what to do in the
coming year.
I found that the best way tostart doing new things and
creating change in my life isthrough this special time that
(05:53):
is my end of year planning.
So here's what I do I get tothe silent spot, I pull out my
notebook and my pen because I'msuper old school and I start
with looking back.
So I look back to the entireyear, that has already happened.
So in this year, when I'mrecording this, this year has
been 2020.
And I'm actually in the processthis week of doing this
(06:17):
exercise that I'm talking about,and so, as I'm looking back
into 2020, the first thing Istart with is what are my
favorite parts of the year, whathave been the best things that
have happened, what have beenmajor successes or things that I
wasn't even planning for,couldn't have planned for, but
ended up happening anyway?
And, of course, in 2020, whenwe look back at the things we
(06:41):
couldn't have planned for,that's probably going to be the
majority of it.
But in this first part, I'mreally focusing on what am I
grateful for and you know what,even with all of the craziness
of this year, I have so much tobe grateful for.
So, as I'm writing, I amwriting out how I am grateful
(07:01):
that I have been able to spendmore time with my children than
I ever thought possible and, yes, while that has been a struggle
and very draining at times, ithas also been something that has
really brought me and mychildren and my husband closer
together more times than not,because we've actually been
together Real quick.
(07:22):
Just as a side note, when welook at the research of what
makes strong families, it's notquality time, it's quantity time
.
So this year, even though itmight have been stressful many
times, you can rejoice and begrateful for the fact that if
you have spent more time withyour spouse or your children
because of the circumstances ofthis year, then it is creating a
stronger family, so alwayssomething to be grateful for.
(07:47):
When I look back at 2020, I alsosee that with my company that
I'm the CEO of, with Pies, andwith Marriage Helper, with
Marriage Helper, we were able tomove so many things online that
we never would have doneotherwise Our workshops, all of
those things.
Also, the time this year that Iwas able to be out of the
office and have more time tothink and to write and to
(08:08):
journal also led to thebeginning of this podcast.
It was something I alwayswanted to do, or at least for
the past year, it's really beenon my heart to do it.
Like in 2019, it started beingon my heart that I wanted to do
it, but 2020 allowed me thespace to do it and it ended up
looking different and being in adifferent location than I
thought it would be.
But because of the events ofthis year.
(08:31):
I was able to start thispodcast, which is something I'm
grateful for.
I also look back and I can begrateful that we have been safe,
that God has provided.
There's just there's so manythings I could write here, and I
want to encourage you to do thesame.
Think back to some of yourfavorite parts of this year,
(08:53):
some of the best parts of thisyear, and just let your mind go
as to what you're grateful for,and if this fills up 15 pages,
then that's amazing.
There's definitely no limit,because this is one of the most
important parts of what you'redoing, because you're really
going to see.
After you do this and look back, you're going to start seeing a
(09:16):
theme of the things that makeyou happy, that brought you joy
and that brought you gratitude.
A lot of mine, when I look backat it, end up being that, while
I would have never wanted towork from home, I'm really
grateful for the fact that Ihave the time with my family,
that I have more control over myown schedule and that is going
(09:37):
to inform me about decisions Iwant to make going into the next
year, because I can see thethings that worked for me,
whereas if I didn't take thetime to, because I can see the
things that worked for me,whereas if I didn't take the
time to look back and see thethings I was grateful for or the
favorite parts of the year,then I might miss including
those things in 2021, which isthe year after when I'm
(09:57):
recording this episode.
Another thing that reallyworked amazingly and I loved
this year was my husband and Itook a three-day weekend for my
birthday.
The kids went to grandparents'house, we went and stayed at a
hotel in Nashville, so we didn'tgo super far, but we did a full
spa day.
We did all the works because,oh my goodness, did we need it?
(10:20):
Because we had not been out ofour house for what?
Six months.
But that was something I endedup loving and definitely a
tradition I want to keep with myhusband in the years going
forward, where we have for mybirthday weekend, a weekend of
pampering, a weekend of beingtogether and a weekend of eating
delicious food, because, let'sbe real, it's kind of my
favorite thing in the world.
(10:40):
But looking back and seeingthose things are going to be
helpful to you After that.
Then look back and think of thestruggles that you've went
through this year and how youovercame them or are overcoming
them, and ask yourself whatlessons have I learned in the
struggles that I've encountered?
I've shared some of this in thepodcast, but one of the biggest
(11:04):
struggles that I haveencountered this year has
actually been a health strugglewhere, at the beginning of this
year, my doctor did a hormonetest a lot of hormone testing on
me and found that my body isaccumulating cortisone
metabolized cortisone, which isbasically after cortisol goes
into your body, and I'm surethis isn't 100% accurate.
So any medical professionalsyou'll be able to.
Cortisone metabolized cortisone, which is basically after
cortisol goes into your body,and I'm sure this isn't 100%
(11:27):
accurate.
So any medical professionalsyou'll be able to understand
this or help me say it evenbetter.
But basically it's like whencortisol occurs in our bodies,
then our body needs to get ridof it and my body basically just
takes the cortisol that hashappened and kind of puts it in
trash bags, so to say, and putsit out to the curb so that the
(11:50):
trash service can come and getit.
But the trash service is nevercoming.
So there's just thisaccumulation of stress in my
body and up until this year Ijust thought this was normal,
that the impatience that I hador how quickly I would get
stressed out, or the anxietythat I struggle with, that this
was just how I was, this is howit had to be.
(12:12):
And it wasn't until this yearwhere, first of all, I realized
I wasn't crazy and I actuallydid have something medically
going on that was leading tothis enormous amount of stress
that I would feel, that wasleading to this enormous amount
of stress that I would feel.
But also, it was this year thatI had to realize that I had to
make changes in my life in orderto reduce stress, and stress is
(12:35):
one of the leading causes ofhealth problems.
And it's easy to think, no,it's fine, this is just how it
is.
I just need to work harder, Ijust need to, you know, not get
as much sleep so I can geteverything done, and we don't
think about the fact that we'regoing to pay for it later
because it doesn't seem asimminent as a current medical
(12:55):
diagnosis.
But if these are the thingsthat lead to that in my future,
then I want to fix it now.
So that has been a struggle forme redoing my life being a
person, me being a person who, Iguess, apparently, is a type A
person.
I love to get stuff done.
I love to always be working.
I'm not a person who rests.
I hate to rest.
(13:16):
This year I had to learn how torest and that might sound
ridiculous to some of you thatthat's been a struggle, but you
have to realize that I have tiedmy worth into what I do and so
it's actually very difficult forme to not work, to stop, to not
(13:39):
even work out on a day, becauseI'm tying my self-worth to it
and that has not been healthy.
This year I've overcome a lot ofmy disordered eating thoughts
of how I would have fear I meanpanic attacks, thinking about
even eating a pizza which isn'thealthy and I've had to overcome
(14:03):
how I view my body and how Ilove myself and the way I talk
about myself and the way I thinkabout myself, and that has been
difficult, but it's been sofreeing.
I've had a lot of strugglesthis year because of what's been
happening in 2020 with myanxiety.
I've struggled with generalanxiety disorder for at least a
(14:24):
decade now and this year has notmade it easier and I've had to
really, really pause and pointand call out the things in my
life that aren't true, that arefear-based, that I've had to
stop my mind from ruminating onthoughts that are destructive,
(14:45):
and that's been difficult, butI've been working to overcome
them through relationships,through prayer, through
journaling, through meditation,through taking more rest days,
through emphasizing sleep,through getting rid of coffee,
and many of those things haveworked for me.
So, as I'm journaling andthinking about this past year,
I'm going to write what mystruggles have been.
(15:06):
My husband and I we've hadstruggles even in our
relationship this year, as we'vebeen at home together more than
we ever have before, and thestress of the year leads to more
tension in our conversations,even with political differences
and things that are happeningand ways that we see things
differently.
We've had to learn how tonavigate those conversations by
(15:29):
listening to each other withrespect and remembering that we
are on each other's team and, atthe end of the day, we love
each other.
Those are the things that Iwant to remember how we overcame
those or are overcoming thoseeither me personally or things
with my family.
It's going to help me see whatI want to continue to do next
(15:50):
year, and then the next thingthat I ask myself is what was
something I wanted to do thisyear but I didn't get a chance,
and is it something I still wantto do?
Going forward, or have mypriorities changed this year?
I had grandiose ideas of so manythings happening with our
(16:13):
office, with things that I'mdoing with.
It Starts With Attraction andPies University, and a lot of
those ended up getting put onhold because my attention was
needed other places.
My attention was needed with myfamily, my attention was needed
with my husband or with my kidsand I needed a break.
I needed a mental break.
(16:34):
So now I look forward and I sayare those things that are still
priorities for me?
And a lot of those things aredifficult for me to give up,
because part of it kind of makesme feel like I'm giving up on
myself.
Maybe when I went off socialmedia three and a half months
ago now, that was a verydifficult thing for me, because
(16:57):
one of the priorities that I hadfor this year was to really do
more on Instagram, connect morewith others, grow the audience.
So that I had for this year wasto really do more on Instagram,
connect more with others, growthe audience so that I could be
a voice of hope and truth forother people.
But in September I was burntout.
I had started my PhD, plus myfamily, plus the businesses that
I run, and it was too much.
But, honestly, it wasn't out ofthis place of courage and
(17:24):
confidence that I left socialmedia.
It was from a place of I'mscared that I have tied a lot of
my worth into what I'm doingthere and how people are
interacting with me, and so itwas scary for me to leave.
But I knew I needed to for mymental health, for my family's
(17:45):
health, for a lot of reasons.
And now that I've had three anda half months of being off,
there's definitely part of methat, when I'm looking forward,
I'm asking myself is itsomething that I want to go back
to?
And I do, but I'm going to beway smarter about how I do it.
Going forward, but think aboutall of these things for you.
(18:07):
What are the things you havebeen grateful for, what are the
struggles that you have had andovercome or are in the process
of overcoming, and what are thethings you wanted to do but
didn't get a chance?
And then the next part of thisis you begin to look forward.
So it may take you a day or two, just in looking backwards.
(18:28):
It may only take you an hour,and that's totally fine as well.
The point is that you're takingthe time and you're being
intentional about reallyfocusing on this, and then, when
you start to look forward, thisis where things get exciting.
Now you are primed in your mindof the things that you have
(18:51):
appreciated and found joy in inthis past year, things that you
are proud of yourself for doing,things that you are viewing as
accomplishments and successes,and so this is the perfect time
for you to begin thinking ofwhat you want to do next year.
So one way you can do this issimply by starting a list of
things you want to do next yearand just write down what comes
(19:14):
to your mind.
I had a friend ask me this acouple of weeks ago.
He said, kimberly, what areyour goals for next year?
And he had just told me abouthis goals that he had made for
himself, and I was loving thethings.
He said Kimberly, what are yourgoals for next year?
And he had just told me abouthis goals that he had made for
himself, and I was loving thethings that he said.
And when he said, what are thegoals that you have for next
year.
I honestly hadn't yet thoughtabout it because I wasn't at my
end of the year yet, so I hadn'tput too much thought into it,
(19:34):
although I had general ideas andI just started listing things.
The first thing I said was Iwant to invest in more
friendships in the Nashvillearea.
One of the things I've realized, especially this year, is that
I have friends in Alabama or inCalifornia or in New York, but I
(19:55):
don't have a ton of friends, orat least good, close friends
that live in my area that I canget together with for lunch or
go to coffee with or go for ahike with, and that's something
that I know that I need.
But more than that I reallywant.
I want those, I want thatcamaraderie, I want those people
(20:17):
that I can call on a day whereI'm feeling down and just go
meet with them.
That's something I think we'veall missed a little bit in this
year.
So I said I want to invest inreally focusing and being
intentional on developing threefriendships in the Nashville
area people that I can be closewith and then I continued on
(20:37):
from there.
I said I want to really beintentional next year about
every quarter, taking a four-dayweekend with my family and
going somewhere, and it doesn'teven have to be extravagant, it
can even be a staycation whereeach day we're going hiking at a
new place or going to the zoo,or maybe we do go somewhere
closer or maybe we go to thebeach, which would be amazing.
(20:58):
But I also want to take twoweeks out of the year next year
to do a bigger trip with myfamily, or even with just me and
my husband, depending on wherewe want to go.
And the reason that isimportant to me which I'll
explain the importance ofknowing this later is because I
(21:20):
crave adventure, I cravespontaneity, I love new
experiences.
These are things thatrejuvenate me.
This is a way of relaxation forme being able to see the world
in a new way, see new things.
I love this Eat new foodfavorite thing in the world.
So that's something that Ireally want to focus on
(21:42):
prioritizing as I go into nextyear and taking the time to be
intentional about doing it withmy family as well.
When I was young, my dad was avery well-known speaker,
traveled all over the world andall over America speaking, and
one of my favorite memories as achild I mean a young child,
four, five, six, seven years oldwas going with my parents when
(22:05):
my dad would be speaking inColorado and New Mexico and
Hawaii, california.
I went to so many places withmy family and that really
instilled this love of travel inme and new experiences, and
it's something I want to give tomy children as well.
So all of these things areimportant to me.
So when I'm looking forwardinto next year, these are the
things I'm thinking of.
(22:26):
Another huge one that I had isI really want to start
volunteering.
I really, at least one time amonth, want to go somewhere and
see people connect with them, dosomething to help the community
, my local community.
That's something that's reallyimportant to me.
(22:46):
It has been for many years, butit's something that I've gotten
out of the habit of doing and Ireally want to be intentional
about doing it again next year.
Another way that you can lookforward and begin planning to
the things that you want tohappen next year is view it in
terms of the pies, so you canbegin asking yourself physically
(23:07):
, intellectually, emotionallyand spiritually, where would I
like to be at the end of theyear If I get to December 31st
2021, which is this next year.
So, depending on when youlisten to this, just change the
dates.
But if I get to this last dayof the year, what would I love
to look back and haveaccomplished physically or
(23:28):
intellectually or emotionally orspiritually?
And maybe you fill in all ofthose, or maybe you just focus
on one of those areas, and itcould be whichever one you feel
most strongly about going intothe year.
If you have an intuition or youfeel like you're being guided
(23:49):
into really focusing on one area, then don't force yourself to
do all four right now.
Listen to yourself and reallyfocus on that one.
Maybe you look at the emotionalpart and you say you know what
it's all about connection withother people, evoking emotions
within others.
They enjoy feeling, beingself-aware of myself.
So how can I be moreemotionally attractive?
(24:11):
What are some things I can do?
If I get to December 31st andlook backward, what would I like
to have seen happen?
And maybe you begin saying youknow, I want to see that I spent
more time with my children.
Or maybe you're saying I wantto see that I spent more time
with my children.
Or maybe you're saying I wantto see that I dealt with my
anger issues, or I dealt with myaddiction, or that I did some
deep work and got therapy for apast trauma that I've gone
(24:32):
through, or I've forgivensomeone who's really hurt me.
Whatever that is for you andonly you know.
You begin to write that down,and right now we're not going to
get into the specifics of howyou're going to do it.
We'll do that in just a minute,but at least get the big idea
out there.
If it's physically, then beginasking yourself what that looks
(24:56):
like At the end of the year.
What do you want to haveaccomplished?
Is it that you want to gainweight, that you want to lose
weight?
Is it that you want to haveaccomplished?
Is it that you want to gainweight, that you want to lose
weight?
Is it that you want to haveeliminated things from your diet
that don't make you feel good?
Or you want to get your bloodsugar better, or you want to
have less chronic pain, or youwant to sleep eight hours a
night and have good, restfulsleep.
Whatever it is that you want toaccomplish physically, write
(25:19):
those things down, and if youhave 20 things at the end of
writing it down, then we'regoing to need to narrow some
things down or at least compilethem to make the list shorter,
but right now there's no limits.
Just start writing down what iscoming to mind and is important
to you and that is the mostimportant part of this when you
begin looking forward into thedreams and goals that you want
(25:44):
to achieve in your life.
If it's not important to you,then you don't need to do it.
You don't need to writesomething down because you've
heard other people say it, orbecause it's what your parents
wanted you to do, or it'sbecause it's what you feel like
others are expecting of you.
No, you only focus on thethings that you have a strong
(26:05):
passion for.
Why?
Because if you are notcommitted to, then you won't
stay committed.
If you don't have a passion ora drive to actually do any of
the things that you have listed,then you're not going to follow
through with them.
And then you're going to get tothe end of the year, look back
(26:25):
and you're going to feel bad.
You're going to feel like afailure.
But you didn't fail, you justchose the wrong goals.
But it can easily put you intothat negative cycle of saying
see, I can't do anything, but inthe grand reality, you were
letting other people tell youwhat you needed to do, or at
least the voice in your mind ofother people telling you what
(26:45):
you needed to do, instead ofdoing what you wanted to do.
Going forward Now, caveat here,of course, I am trusting that
you are self-aware people whoare not completely selfish and
prideful and are just going tobe doing things to make you
wealthier or greater or moresuccessful at the expense of the
other people in your lifebecause that is not something I
(27:08):
would ever condone but thatyou're looking to become a more
attractive person in all of theareas that we talk about, in all
of the pies physically,intellectually, emotionally and
spiritually.
And if you're doing that, thenyou're focusing on other people,
on how you can do greater goodfor the world, on how you can
love people better, on how youcan show up and be a more
present and active part of therelationships in your life.
(27:31):
And so when that is what'sguiding you, then I believe that
your desires and your intuitionis going to be better than if
you're simply focused on allabout you.
And if you're saying well,right now I do feel like I am
focused on all about me.
Maybe you're trying to grow abusiness, or maybe you just know
(27:52):
that you struggle with prideand ego.
Then that might be one of thethings that you want to work on
changing in the next year.
But, all of this being said,you need to have a strong why
associated with each thing thatyou want to do.
It's easy to say I want to lose10 pounds, or I want to go back
to school and finish my degree,but why are you saying it?
(28:14):
Is it because you feel likeit's low-hanging fruit?
Everyone says it.
It's January, of course it'sthe time I need to say that I
need to lose a certain amount ofweight.
But do you really want to?
Do you really care?
And it's okay for you to not.
You might be saying I need togo back and finish my degree.
Okay.
Why do you want to?
Is it because you know if youhave that degree, you're going
(28:37):
to have better opportunities?
Is it because you really have astrong desire to learn?
Is it even just because youwant to show yourself you can do
it?
Those are all great reasons,but it needs to be important to
you, because if you're onlydoing it to make someone else
happy, or if you're only doingit because you feel like then
you'll love yourself, else happy, or if you're only doing it
(28:58):
because you feel like thenyou'll love yourself.
Those are not the reasons to doit.
It's okay to not finish adegree.
It's okay to not lose weight.
If you don't want to do it, youneed to do the things that are
going to make you the healthiestthat you can be.
Of course, I advocate forpeople to continue to learn and
to be the healthiest that theycan for their age and situation
(29:18):
in their body and to take careof yourself.
But at the end of the day, youmight have a warped view of what
your body should look like andyou might be chasing something
that, honestly, isn't evenattainable.
Nor should it be, because maybeit's not even healthy for you
to be what you think in yourmind that you need to be chasing
.
And if you're the person who isconstantly doing the yo-yo
(29:41):
dieting, or you're trying andit's not working and you just
don't know what to do, thenmaybe you need to take it off of
your list that you need to loseweight and maybe instead you
need to focus on you want tosleep more, you want to feel
better, you want to eat foodsthat make you feel good.
All just suggestions.
Of course, you have to do whatyou are excited to do.
(30:08):
So after you've listed all ofthese things out what your goals
are, what you would like toaccomplish then you go back
through and you make themspecific.
So you don't want to just say Iwant to feel better emotionally
.
You really need to get specificof what that means.
Where do you not feel goodemotionally now?
I've seen it a lot of timesthis way, where a husband will
say I want to be a betterhusband.
Great, I support this 110%.
(30:32):
What do you need to do in orderto be a better husband?
Specifically, why do you feellike you're not doing it now?
Is it because you're notspending enough time with your
wife?
Is it because you and your wifeare fighting a lot?
Is it because you haven't goneon a date night in five years?
What is it specifically you'relooking to change?
Because then you know whatactions to take only after you
(30:56):
know the specific things youneed to do.
So if it's, I feel like my wifeand I fight every time we talk.
We just can't seem to get along.
Okay, great, now you at leasthave an idea of where to start.
You want to have betterconversations with your spouse,
so what can you do in order toget to that end goal?
You could begin by starting theyear saying hey, babe, listen,
(31:20):
I know that we tend to fight alot and I apologize for what I
have done in that happening.
I don't want that to be the waythat we communicate with each
other.
I love you, I respect you and Ireally want to do my part in
letting us and helping us tohave better conversations where
we don't fight as much in thefuture but we listen to each
(31:40):
other and can really learn tocompromise and agree.
So what are some things I cando to help that happen?
That might be a place you startwhere you simply ask your wife.
You could also become moremindful of when you begin to get
angry, what things aretriggering you and becoming very
intentional about stopping thefight before it starts.
If you feel yourself gettingangry, if you know you're about
(32:03):
to say something that is goingto just get on her nerves, be
aware of that and stop yourself.
You may even decide that youwant to be very proactive in
this and you want to get insomething that's going to help
you change your behavior.
I encourage all of the peoplewho are listening who are
married, to try and attend oneof the workshops that Marriage
(32:24):
Helper has that is so amazing athelping to reset conversations,
communication, understand howto communicate in a better way
Three days of amazing contentthat I guarantee you will change
the way that you interact withyour spouse going forward.
But begin to do somethingthat's going to change that.
If you know you need to work onyourself and your anger, then
(32:46):
begin to do that.
There's some ways to do it witha great counselor, or you can
even begin doing that by findinga mentor, finding a friend who
you believe can help you.
If you go to coffee with themand you can start sharing the
things you're struggling with.
A lot of times, we can begin tochange even just by having a
(33:07):
close friend who can be anaccountability partner.
Journaling and meditation helpas well.
But whatever you decide you wantto focus on, then get specific
about what that outcome is.
If it's that you want to sleepbetter, how are you going to do
that?
Are you going to start settinga bedtime?
Are you going to change theenvironment in your bedroom?
Are you going to get an auraring, which is something I
(33:31):
recently purchased and I've hadit for three weeks now and it
has been amazing looking at theinsight of my sleep patterns and
how I'm sleeping through thenight.
Not sponsored, but I recommendit.
I've really liked my aura ringso far.
It's a ring that you wear onyour finger and it tracks your
heart rate and all of thesethings, so it can show you your
activity level through the night, through the day.
(33:52):
Very interesting stuff.
But get specific about what youwant to do and then from there,
once you know what you want todo, once you understand your end
goal, once you realize theactions you need to take to get
there, once you realize thespecific things that you need to
do to get to that goal, thenyou begin to work backward and
(34:12):
say so what do I need to do on amonthly, weekly or daily basis
to get me there?
One of the things that Imentioned earlier was I want to
be more intentional aboutinvesting in three friendships
in the Nashville area.
So if I look to December 31stand I say by December 31st of
next year I want to have threepeople where I would feel
(34:39):
comfortable calling them on thephone at any time where I would
feel comfortable going to lunchwith them once a month and I am
actually making the time to dothat Then I can begin looking
backward and saying so what do Ineed to do on a monthly basis
in order to get there?
Well, first I need to findthese friends.
(35:00):
This might sound ridiculous.
I need to identify thesefriends, and so I have some
people in my mind who I think Iwould want to start with and
just and just begin to call themor ask them to go to coffee or
ask them to go on a walk, andthen finding those times to
connect, being intentional aboutit, putting it in my schedule
(35:24):
and scheduling.
Every month, this is a day thatI'm going to spend time with a
friend, so I need to find whothat's going to be and begin to
invite them and justintentionally invest in the
relationship.
And it's the same with.
One of the other things that Ihad was I want to do a better
job meal planning next year,because I know for me that if I
(35:44):
can eat in a way that I feelgood, if the food that I'm
eating makes me feel good, thenI will be a much better person
throughout the day, and if Idon't have something easy to
make on hand, then, especiallyworking from home, it's super
easy to grab the chocolate orgoodness, whatever else is in
the fridge who knows what itmight be leftovers from my kids,
(36:06):
food which is not things thattypically make me feel good.
So I need to have meals thatare quick and ready and easy to
eat, but also delicious, because, you guys, I love food.
So what can I do?
If I'm looking at December 31stand looking back, then at that
time I want to be able to say Iam in a habit of every Sunday I
(36:28):
am getting my groceries, I amprepping food, I am meal
prepping so that throughout theweek, I am reaching for food
that is healthy, I know what'sgoing to be made each night of
the week, so that I, the week Iam reaching for food that is
healthy.
I know what's going to be madeeach night of the week, so that
I don't have to worry about itevery single day.
It frees up my mind fordecision-making.
So then, how can I workbackwards and start changing my
life in order to do that?
(36:48):
Well, part of this is justbeginning to schedule it and
making the effort, knowingthat's what I'm going to do on
Sundays, and getting into thatpractice of doing it on a
nightly basis.
Some of these can be a littlemore difficult, so one that
might be harder to wrap ourminds around is is that one of I
want to be a better wife?
How specifically at the end ofnext year, would I want to look
(37:10):
back and believe that I haveworked on becoming a better wife
?
For me, man, this is aninteresting one to talk about.
So for me, I would have to lookback into 2021 and say that I
want to feel like I've doneeverything I can to support my
husband.
He has.
(37:31):
When my husband got out of themilitary four years ago, it was
a very difficult transition forhim into the civilian world, as
it is for many, and when I lookback, especially on those first,
that first year or two once hegot out, I do not believe I was
supportive.
I do not believe I understoodhow he was feeling or where he
was coming from, and I wasviewing what he was going
(37:53):
through from my very type Apersonality of just go, do
something like I don't care whatit is, just go.
I don't think I was supportiveof him and I don't know.
I think if I were to ask himnow, he would feel like I am
supportive of him.
But I personally don't feellike I have been as supportive
(38:16):
towards and to my husband as Ican be and as I should be.
So when I look backwards fromnext year, I want to look back
and see that I was his biggestcheerleader.
So how does that look?
What would I have to do?
So how does that look?
What would I have to do?
(38:36):
This could be that Iintentionally, every week, go
out of my way to say somethingencouraging and nice to him,
that when he comes to me withideas or thoughts that I
encourage, before sayinganything about how it may not
work or has he thought of this?
But instead I'm supporting him.
I want him to see me as themost supportive wife in the
(39:00):
world.
So what can I do on a monthly,daily, weekly basis in order to
make that happen?
How can I go out of my way togive him more hugs, to give him
more human touch, so that hephysically knows I'm supporting
him?
Hugs to give him more humantouch, so that he physically
knows I'm supporting him.
And those are the ways that Ican begin to make my goals, set
(39:26):
my calendar and set mypriorities for things that I
want to do next year, in orderto look back and have achieved
the goals that I had andultimately become the person
that I want to be Now.
I want to encourage you to notoverload yourself, and if this
is something you are new to,then I want to encourage you to
do less than more until you geta hang of how this process works
(39:48):
.
You can always do this inFebruary, march, july, october.
It doesn't matter when you doit March, july, october.
It doesn't matter when you doit.
The point is that you becomeintentional about looking
forward and begin to plan yourlife so that one day you don't
look back and feel like yourlife is gone and you don't know
what you did with that time.
(40:09):
We want to get on the forefrontof that, be proactive rather
than reactive, and really becomeintentional about what our
priorities are, how we spend ourtime, who we spend it with, how
we spend our money, what impactwe make and what legacy we want
to leave in the long run.
I hope that this has beenencouraging to you, and I hope
(40:31):
this is a practice that youbegin to implement every year,
whether it's at the end,beginning, or somewhere smack
dab in the middle, wherever youdo it doesn't matter, as long as
you begin to do somethingthat's moving you towards being
the person that you want to be.
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