December 17, 2024 • 43 mins
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Experiencing the highs and lows of marriage led me to a profound realization: attraction isn't just about the physical—it's a holistic process encompassing the Physical, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual aspects. Last week I was able to share with our Marriage Helper audience the PIES framework, designed to rejuvenate marital bonds by focusing on self-improvement. Through personal stories, I illustrate how embracing this multi-faceted approach can reignite passion and enhance well-being, helping you tackle insecurities and societal pressures surrounding attraction.
Expect to uncover the hidden layers of intellectual and emotional attraction that keep relationships thriving. Drawing from personal experiences with my husband, I emphasize the importance of engaging conversations and shared interests that spark intellectual attraction. Equally vital is fostering emotional attraction—creating environments that nurture positive emotions. I discuss practices like self-forgiveness and positive self-talk as cornerstones for personal growth and deeper connections with your partner, offering practical insights for enriching your marriage.
As we wrap up, the focus shifts to spiritual growth and transformation, urging you to embrace activities like journaling and volunteering that elevate your spiritual attraction and self-esteem. Personal transformation is not only key to saving a marriage but also to personal fulfillment. With the new year on the horizon, it's the perfect time to reflect and set actionable goals for a brighter future. I invite you to connect with our team for guidance on this transformative journey, so you can gift yourself the opportunity for growth and change.
Your Host: Kimberly Beam Holmes, Expert in Self-Improvement and Relationships
Kimberly Beam Holmes has applied her master's degree in psychology for over ten years, acting as the CEO of Marriage Helper & CEO and Creator of PIES University, being a wife and mother herself, and researching how attraction affects relationships. Her videos, podcasts, and following reach over 500,000 people a month who are making changes and becoming the best they can be.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
How to begin saving your marriage by working on
yourself.
The four-step framework.
We call it the pies, the piesof attraction.
If we want to be serious aboutit, y'all, I can't tell you how
much of a life-changingdifference this concept, this
four-part framework, has had inmy life.
(00:20):
It's why I'm so passionateabout it.
It's why I'm getting my PhD inperformance psychology, it's why
I this is what gives me passion.
I absolutely love seeingmarriages saved, but I know that
it's not just the marriage thatneeds the turnaround.
It is the people that make upthe marriage.
(00:41):
You cannot underline this.
If you're taking notes, youcannot have a healthy marriage
if you are an unhealthy person,and the pies is what gives us
the framework to become thehealthiest and best version of
ourselves that we can be, sothat we can have the best
relationships in our life.
(01:01):
Bar none hands down, this works.
So what are the pies?
Well, the first one we're goingto start with is physical.
It's actually actually likebacking up just before this the
pies of attraction.
I need to let you know this isthe first step on the love path.
There's a process to falling inlove.
We call it the love path hereat Marriage Helper, and there's
(01:23):
four steps to it.
It's attraction, acceptance,attachment and aspirations.
All four of those don't matterto you today, but what does
matter to you because it's whatwe're talking about is the part
of attraction.
Attraction is how peopleinitially fall in love.
When I first saw my husband well, when I first saw him, I was
three years old and he was fiveyears old and we were fighting
(01:45):
over the red Fisher price car.
I don't know if any of youremember that it's like a red
car with a yellow roof.
Our parents were friends.
He was over at my house playingwith me when we were young and
he wanted to play with my toys.
I remember specifically youwonder why we ended up having
marriage problems.
I remember specifically he wentinto my closet and got toys out
and every toy he got out thathe wanted to play with I would
(02:06):
take from him and put it on myside of the room where he
couldn't find it.
We would get it and he wantedto play in this car of mine.
I didn't want him to.
I flung myself on the roof andkicked and screamed until he got
out.
That's when I first met myhusband, but when we actually
got to the point in our lifewhere we began dating and
(02:26):
reconnected, which was incollege.
It wasn't one of those storieswhere we were like lifelong
lovers.
We didn't reconnect until hewas a senior in college and I
was a freshman and I saw him onFacebook.
And then I had friends who werein classes with him and knew
about him.
And when I saw him on FacebookI was like, oh my gosh, I
remember this guy.
(02:47):
He is so cute.
I was attracted to himphysically, but then my friends
started talking about him andthey said, oh Beam because
that's what they called me, thatwas my nickname in college oh
Beam, you've got to date thisguy.
He's such a great guy.
So then I started learningabout him from other people.
He and I started chatting andtalking on Facebook Messenger
(03:09):
back when you had to have acollege account to use Facebook.
This was way back in the dayand we just started talking and
we found out we had a lot incommon.
So I was intellectuallyattracted to him.
Then we started dating and Iremember on our first date he
came to my dorm to pick me upand he opened every single door
(03:30):
for me, including the door tohis pickup truck.
He, as we dated, he would sendme text messages, he would have
flowers delivered to my dorm.
He made me feel so cherishedand so loved, so I was
emotionally attracted to him.
He evoked emotions within me.
I enjoyed feeling and then,spiritually, I was incredibly
(03:51):
attracted to him because I feltlike being with him made me a
better person.
He had a heart for helping thehomeless.
He still does to this day.
He's a very generous person andI would see him do those things
and I just wanted to be morelike that.
Attraction is the beginning ofthe process of falling in love.
(04:12):
We fall in love with people weare attracted to, which then
helps us continue on in the lovepath, which we won't get into
those next steps today.
But here's what I want you toknow when you are first falling
in love, attraction is whatmatters.
But if you have fallen out oflove, if your relationship is in
the middle of a struggle or acrisis right now, the first
(04:33):
thing, the next thing, the bestthing for you to do is to go
back to the beginning of thelove path, which is attraction.
You focus on doing these things, number one because it's the
best thing that you can do foryou, but secondly, because if
anything works to bring yourspouse back, this will.
(04:53):
They fell in love with youbefore they can fall in love
with you again, and this is thepathway of making it happen.
The first one is physical.
This is, for some reason, mostpeople's least favorite part of
the pies.
For those of you who have beenworking on your pies I see you
in the chat.
You've been members for forever.
(05:14):
You're giving people advice andit's beautiful.
Which is your favorite part ofthe pies?
I would love to just hear fromsome of you.
And then, in thinking ofphysical, what are some things
that you did in your journey tofocus on becoming feeling the
best that you can physically foryourself?
I think the reason that peoplereally don't like physical
(05:36):
attraction is because there's anote of it or like an undertone
in physical attraction that justalways reeks of we aren't good
enough as we are Because there'sthe GQ and Esquire magazines or
Women's Health and Cosmopolitanthat always show people who
have completely not logicalbodies and we compare ourselves
(06:02):
to those.
But here's something that oneof my friends said years ago and
I just love it so much.
She said our bodies were notmade to be on the covers of
magazines.
Our bodies are made to help usdo life and to have energy and
to help us do the things that welove to do and to be active and
(06:23):
to be able to play with ourkids and play with our grandkids
, and to be able to keep usliving long and healthy lives
Like.
The physical part of attractionisn't just the makeup you wear,
how big your muscles are, howlittle body fat you have.
That's actually missing thepoint of it altogether.
The physical part of attractionis making sure that you are
(06:45):
doing what you can to look andfeel your best for your age and
situation in life.
I want to read some of thecomments that we have here.
A lot of people are sayingtheir favorite part of the pies
is emotional.
We're going to get to that.
But, joe, physical is theeasiest to make noticeable
difference.
This is so true.
(07:06):
You can see some big winspretty quickly by focusing on
your physical attraction, andwe're going to talk about more
of that in just a minute.
But and in fact let me justskip to the next slide and then
I'm going to go back through thecomments.
So in each of these, I'm goingto go through each of the four
(07:26):
areas and I'm going to give adefinition of what we just
talked about how it helps you,how it helps your marriage and
the practical application of it.
So physical attraction islooking and feeling the best
that you can for your age andyour situation in life.
So how does this help you?
It's because it gives youself-confidence when you begin
to go on a mile walk every day,like take small steps here.
(07:48):
If you are someone who's justcompletely sedentary, you have a
crazy busy life.
What is one thing that you canbegin to do to just feel better
for your age and your situationin life?
And there's some pillars here.
There are actually three keypillars that I always tell
people to focus on when it comesto physical attraction.
These are, if you're wantingthe best bang for your buck, the
(08:11):
ones that have the absolutemost research and the ones that
are just the most important.
It's going to be sleep,nutrition and exercise those
three things.
Getting enough sleep andexercise those three things.
Getting enough sleep I cannotbang the drum hard enough.
If you aren't getting enoughsleep, then you are not going to
(08:33):
be able.
Your brain, the processingpower of your brain, and
especially the part of yourbrain that's able to handle
emotional circumstances is notgoing to be working as well as
it could.
So when you have a fight withyour husband or a disagreement
with your wife or somethingcomes up that gives you a ton of
anxiety, you are not going tobe able to deal with it as well
(08:55):
as you could if you had beengetting enough sleep Seven to
eight hours a night.
I don't want to hear excuses.
You need to be getting seven toeight hours a night.
You can tell me all day longthat you can thrive just fine on
four to five, but every singlebit of data and research tells
me that you're lying.
So you need to be getting sevento eight hours of sleep.
You might be thinking how Ican't sleep.
(09:17):
Well, I don't know if this isgood or bad, but a lot of people
in our membership they say Ijust love putting on videos of
Dr Joe Bean's voice, which is mydad.
He has an amazing voice, if youhaven't heard it, and it just
calms me and it helps to put meto sleep.
It's not because he's boring,it's because he has a great
(09:37):
voice.
There are things that you can doto help you and the thing is
you may not get seven to eighthours tonight, but you can begin
to make a plan to work overtimeto start getting more sleep.
Change your schedule, changewhatever you do to prioritize
sleep.
What did I say?
Prioritize sleep.
If you're going to focus on anyof the three, start there.
If you're not getting seven toeight hours of sleep, begin
(09:59):
today.
Make small changes.
You don't have to go from fourhours tonight to eight hours
tonight.
You probably can't, but you canbegin doing 15 minute
increments over the next coupleof weeks, increasing it by 15
minutes every time.
Please start there, because itis going to change you.
Then we have exercise.
This is where you can begin tosee the biggest difference.
(10:21):
Exercise doesn't just help youlose weight.
In fact, exercise is nevermeant to help someone lose
weight.
Nutrition is the only way, orit is the key way, that
someone's actually going to loseweight.
But exercise does so much foryour body.
Your muscles do fascinatingthings.
When you exercise that releasebasically endorphins that help
you to feel better.
It helps you deal with stressand anxiety.
(10:43):
So if you're not doing anythingright now, start small, or
maybe, if you feel like youcould amp it up, then amp it up.
I can't, I cannot, I would.
I would, if I had all of thiswebinar to talk about exercise.
I absolutely would.
It's my favorite topic to talkabout, but be doing something
that is giving you exercise orhelping you to exercise, to just
(11:05):
move your body.
And then nutrition, eat healthyfoods.
It's really that easy.
When you do these things, ithelps you to sleep better, to
better handle your emotions,calm your anxiety, give you a
better quality of life.
It fills your cup.
It's not about looking acertain way, it's about feeling
a certain way.
So how does it help yourmarriage?
Certain way, it's about feelinga certain way.
(11:27):
So how does it help yourmarriage?
When you feel good aboutyourself, it comes across in
your relationship with yourspouse.
That's why.
So, just like what Joe wassaying earlier, physical is the
easiest to begin seeing anoticeable difference.
What we know about humanpsychology and motivation is
that feedback and the quickerthe feedback, the better
Feedback helps us to continuemoving towards something.
(11:48):
I mean, how many of you haveever tried a diet and you're
trying to lose 10 pounds and youstep on the scale and you see
nothing, no change, and you'vebeen working so hard.
Well, you're not going tocontinue that diet.
But if you begin to make somechanges and change some things
but you step on a scale a weekin and you see you've been
working so hard, well, you'renot going to continue that diet.
But if you begin to make somechanges and change some things
but you step on a scale a weekin and you see you've lost two
(12:09):
pounds, oh my gosh.
That is the positivereinforcement.
You need to keep going.
Pies the physical part of thepies is what can really begin to
give us that positivereinforcement quicker, to keep
us working on ourselves in allof the other areas.
Keep us working on ourselves inall of the other areas.
So the practical application getsleep, move your body, eat
healthy foods and then kind of abonus one here is get outside
(12:36):
and get some sunlight,especially in the winter time
where seasonal affectivedisorder is a very real thing.
Go for a walk during lunch orat some point.
Just try and get some sunlight.
It'll also help you sleepbetter, which is a huge one.
Lucy says physical for me isgetting enough sleep so I don't
look haggard.
That's perfect.
Joanne says that physical isthe easiest.
(12:56):
Claire shares that she walksher dog.
She lifts heavy bags of chickenfeed.
It doesn't have to be crazystuff that you do.
Scott does yoga at 530 in themorning.
All of these, like peopleeating healthy.
There are definitely ways thatyou can encourage each other,
and and Laura even says,drinking enough water, eating
nourishing food, gettingmovement and sleeping well all
(13:19):
of that is important.
So then let's talk aboutintellectual attraction.
I remember when my husband andI started dating and even now,
especially and especially, as wewere kind of rebuilding things
after our marriage had gonethrough that difficult point and
about 12 years ago was beingable to talk to each other about
(13:40):
things that weren't emotionallycharged, about things that
weren't emotionally charged,making sure that every
discussion we had wasn't justdrenched in how hurt I was or
how angry we were with eachother or the hurt that we had
gone through, because that isnot what people want to talk
about.
What we want, what we'reattracted to, is someone that we
(14:02):
love talking to, that we canhave fascinating conversations
with, and so intellectualattraction is being a
fascinating person to talk to.
And how does this help you?
It gives you somethingproductive to do with your
thoughts, first and foremost,with your thoughts and your
talents, instead of brooding orworrying about your situation.
(14:23):
How many of you feel like youspend 50 to 80% of your time
thinking about your currentmarriage situation, thinking
about how you wish things weredifferent?
Me, yes, several of you sayingme, me, me Right.
(14:46):
So the way that we can kill twobirds with one stone here is,
first of all, think about thethings that you are actually
interested in.
Think about the things you'repassionate about, what you're
curious about, and beginlearning more about those things
.
Take up a habit that you'vebeen interested in.
Go and take a course thatyou've been interested in.
(15:06):
Do something that is going tohelp you learn and continue to
be a fascinating person whereyou're learning and growing and
all of those things.
But the other thing that thisdoes for you is it helps your
mind not just linger and worryabout and be anxious about all
of the things that are happeningin your marriage.
(15:29):
How does it help your marriage?
We tend to find people moreattractive when we share common
interests and can have funtalking to them.
So when you grow and engageyour mind by doing new hobbies
and learning new things, it alsohelps to attract your spouse
back for a couple of reasons.
Number one now you have.
Now your spouse sees you asmore of an interesting and
(15:49):
fascinating person to talk to,like oh, they have depth to them
, they can carry on aconversation and it's not just
about the things that they'reangry about.
They actually have depth andbreadth and I enjoy talking to
them, and especially if you canhave a shared hobby or a shared
thing that you want to focus onand that you want to do with
(16:11):
each other, that helps too.
But the bottom line of this is Iknow, and one of the things I
love about my husband is thatwhen I come home at the end of a
hard day, he will listen to mevent, he'll listen to me
complain.
He will be there for me.
I can talk to him aboutabsolutely anything.
(16:32):
He can talk to me aboutabsolutely anything, and we
enjoy doing that.
We enjoy telling each otherabout new things that we've
learned.
We enjoy that part of ourmarriage and he is my best
friend.
He is 100% my best friend.
So intellectual attractionthat's how it helps your
(16:55):
marriage.
So think of three to fivethings that you're passionate
about, curious about orinterested in.
Go read a book about it.
Go to a class.
Learn a new hobby about thesethings.
Go read a book about it.
Go to a class, learn a newhobby about these things.
This is what can help get yourmind off of it and also this is
what helps you to be moreintellectually attractive.
Then we get to emotionalattraction, and I know this is a
(17:17):
lot of people's favorite partabout the pies, and this one is
all about evoking emotionswithin other people that they
enjoy feeling.
This is a key part ofattraction overall and when it
comes to relationships with ourspouse, our kids, best friends,
(17:38):
family members, this is the mostimportant part of attraction.
Most important part ofattraction, because you can be
the most well-slept, well-fed,well-exercised person in the
world that knows a whole bunchof things.
(17:58):
But at the end of the day, ifpeople don't like how you feel,
or if people don't like how theyfeel because of how you treat
them, no one's going to beattracted to you, and not just
romantically.
In any relationship in life,emotional attraction is
absolutely the key.
So what is emotional attraction?
It is evoking emotions withinothers that they enjoy feeling,
(18:21):
and that's the key here.
It's not emotions that youenjoy feeling.
It's not doing the things thatyou would want other people to
do for you.
Not that that's a bad thing todo.
But the viewpoint that we haveto have here is not what am I
going to love.
It has to be what is my spousegoing to appreciate?
And so for my husband he doesnot like surprises, he does not
(18:43):
like the spotlight.
He does not like surprises, hedoes not like the spotlight.
He honestly doesn't even lovegifts.
At Christmas time he would behappy with a pair of socks.
And I am dead serious.
It drives my mom crazy, becauseevery year Rob says I just want
socks.
So guess what, instead oftrying to make a big ordeal and
get him something crazy becausewe would feel better about it,
(19:05):
we just give him what he says hewants, and he is incredibly
happy with it.
It's about what the other personwill appreciate and evoking
emotions within them that theyenjoy feeling.
So how does this help you?
First, it starts with youevoking emotions within yourself
that you enjoy feeling.
Again, it's hard to give froman empty cup.
(19:25):
So if you are filled with angerand resentment, you need to
forgive.
If you are struggling withtelling yourself that you're
ugly, you're worthless, that noone's ever going to love you,
you need to change that.
You need to start truly givingyourself some positive self-talk
and there's so much psychologyand research behind that and, as
(19:47):
silly as it may sound it may beyou putting post-it notes on
your mirror so that you can saythree to five positive things
about yourself every morning.
You have to begin to think morepositively, because otherwise
it is going to be very difficultfor you to want to build other
people up, to evoke emotionswithin them that they enjoy
(20:08):
feeling, without just feelingresentful about it, and then
from there you can start showingothers in your life that you
care for them by practicing yourpulls.
Here is your chance to shine.
Here's your chance to show.
This pulls concept is you'redoing the things that pull other
(20:28):
people towards you by thisevoking emotions within them
that they enjoy feeling.
Because when we do the thingsthat evoke emotions within
others, they don't enjoy feeling.
It pushes them away.
I had a friend in high schoolwho was on the track team and
she was in great shape.
(20:50):
She wasn't the skinniest girlin eighth grade, but or so it
was middle school.
She wasn't the skinniest girlin eighth grade, but she
definitely was not obese.
But her mother, every singleday, would tell her how fat she
was and that she needed to runmore and that she needed to eat
less.
And so, as an eighth grade girl, she would have this tiny
(21:14):
little meal for lunch becauseher mom told her she had to lose
weight.
And there was never anythingloving or positive that her mom
would tell her.
Her mother was evoking emotionswithin her that she did not
enjoy feeling, and my friendwould take it what else is she
going to do?
And her mother was a niceperson.
She wasn't some terrible beast,she was enjoyable to be around,
(21:37):
and it wasn't that she was justsaying it, even in a harsh tone
, it would just come across aslike.
I don't want to say her name,I'll call her Amber.
Amber, you should really lose acouple of pounds before you get
into high school.
It was just very.
I'm sure her mother had goodintentions.
(21:59):
I'm sure her mother also hadsome demons of her own that she
hadn't dealt with, and it wastherefore coming across to her
daughter.
When we don't have emotionswithin ourselves that we enjoy
feeling, it trickles over intohow we come across to other
people.
My friend, whose name I willsay is Amber, but it's not by
(22:24):
the time she graduated highschool, she left home, left her
family, left her religion andnever turned back because her
mother pushed her out the door.
That is how important thisconcept of emotional attraction
is and, as Chris said, thisconcept of emotional attraction
(22:48):
is.
And, as Chris said, emotionalis the biggest struggle for a
lot of people.
It's the one that we all wantto get right, but it's the
hardest to perfect.
I don't think that any of us areever going to perfect being the
most emotionally attractiveperson in the world, and I don't
think that we should, because,honestly, I believe it's the
journey to figuring out, foreach person that we love, what
are the things that I can dothat show you I love you, that
(23:11):
you appreciate, that evokeemotions within you, that you
enjoy feeling.
That's part of what buildsrelationships.
We're not going to figure thisout and check it off our list
and be good to go.
This is a daily thing, it is adaily mindset, it is a daily
choice, it is a dailyresponsibility that each of us
have the opportunity to takeinto the relationships with the
(23:35):
people that we love.
How does it help your marriage?
Because if anything works tobring your spouse back, this
will, this will we like to sayat Marriage Helper that people
don't leave what they have,unless what they're going to is
better, so be the better.
(23:57):
Be the person where peopledon't feel like they're
handcuffed to stay to you, butto where you are the well.
What do I mean by that?
In Australia, there's placesfarms that have so many
thousands of acres that youcannot fence it in, but they
have cows, and so how do theykeep the cows from leaving?
(24:19):
Well, they put wells in thecenter of all of that land,
because the cow knows that thisis the place it gets its
nourishment, this is the placeit gets its refreshment.
It wants to stay close to thewell, because the well is what
makes it feel good, feel safe.
How can you be the well in yourmarriage?
(24:46):
You stop doing the things thatpush your spouse away and you
start doing the things to pullthem back.
So stop guilting andmanipulating and complaining and
whining and throwing in thoselittle remarks like Amber's mom
did.
If you would just lose a coupleof pounds If you would just say
something a little different.
If you would just lose a coupleof pounds if you would just say
(25:08):
something a little different.
If you would just like tryharder in your job and make a
little more money, if you wouldhave just taken the trash out.
If you would just be different,then things would be better.
People don't want to hear thatand stay in that kind of
relationship day in and day out.
And stay in that kind ofrelationship day in and day out.
Stop trying to get your way,pointing out all of their flaws.
(25:29):
Stop trying to fix and control.
Start listening, having empathy, being present and doing what
your spouse has asked them orasked you to do for them.
Maybe your spouse has alreadygiven you the blueprint.
I can't tell you how many timesthat we have typically men and
(25:52):
this is not supposed to begender specific, but this tends
to be the case Typically men whocome to us and say my wife left
and I have no idea why.
In fact, we just had one of oursolo spouse workshops here.
These are transformativeworkshops for the person who's
wanting to save their marriage.
When the spouse wants out andthis past weekend we had one of
(26:15):
all men and so many times, andmore now than maybe ever before,
men are feeling confused andblindsided by why their spouse
wants out.
Men, are any of you feelingthis way about your wife all of
a sudden falling in love withsomeone else.
You didn't see it coming.
Where did it go so wrong?
This is not uncommon.
(26:35):
Yes, I already see men sayingyes.
That is how I feel.
A lot of times women have beensaying things over the years
because women are not as likelyand if you look at the research,
men tend to make quickerdecisions and say that they want
out of their marriage.
Women tend to be way morelong-suffering and by the time
(26:57):
they say that they want out,they've given clues, but
typically the men haven't pickedup on those, and so women
typically have given you thelike, said over the years the
things that they were frustratedwith.
The men just typically weren'tlistening, they weren't attuned
to it, they weren't aware of it,and so many times your spouse
has actually given you theblueprint.
They've said things like why doyou work so much?
(27:19):
I wish you would be morepresent.
But we can push that aside, wecan push that down.
We can justify why we're doingeverything that we're doing
right now and justify it bysaying I'm doing this for the
family.
I'm always doing this for thefamily.
I had a business friend who,years ago, he said I always told
(27:41):
my wife that I was doing thisfor her, I was doing this for
the kids and at any time thatshe could say that she could
tell me otherwise, like if Iwasn't being present enough or
whatever that she could tell meotherwise.
Well, one day she did come andshe said you can keep doing what
you're doing, but don't pretendlike it's for us anymore,
(28:02):
because you're never here.
So clearly you're not doingthis for us, you're doing this
for you.
You stop doing the things thatare pushing your spouse away and
you start doing the things thatwill pull your spouse back and
you think back to what thosethings might be that are
(28:23):
important to your spouse andthat helps us have emotional
attraction.
And then our fourth and finalone is spiritual attraction.
Spiritual attraction is allabout living in line with your
beliefs and values and actuallystanding for something and
having something you'repassionate about caring for
(28:44):
others.
This can include faith, andmany times it does, and for me,
my faith was instrumental,absolutely instrumental, in what
changed my life and continuesto this day to change my life,
and it was instrumental in myhusband's change as well.
But you can also always focuson living out beliefs and values
(29:05):
, helping other people andrealizing that you're not in
control of everyone's life,including your own, when we
focus on spiritual attraction.
I would love to hear in thechat what others have when we
focus on spiritual attraction.
I would love to hear in the chatwhat others have done to focus
on spiritual attraction as well.
It's becoming a person of deepbeliefs and values that also
cares for others, how it helpsyou.
(29:26):
It helps you realize you aren'tin control of everything and to
lean on a power greater thanyourself.
And, of course, I believebecause the Bible tells me,
tells me and you from Psalm orin Psalm 34, that God is near to
the brokenhearted and herescues them from the pit of
despair.
Is that what you need today?
You have the ability to pray,to ask God for help, and I
(30:04):
believe 100% that he will movein powerful ways in your life.
Not immediately, and I know forme, my turnaround happened in me
first and foremost, and maybethat's what is going to happen
for you too.
So then, how does this helpyour marriage?
Because people are attracted tothose who stand for good things
, who love others and who livein line with their own beliefs
(30:26):
and values.
It's really hard to be aChristian and be a really crappy
spouse.
It's not a good witness.
In fact, I was in Kenya with anamazing group of people earlier
this year.
We were doing some marriagetraining for pastors and their
wives in Kenya and the mainpastor that we were staying with
his name is Pastor Peter and hesaid he was just so adamant and
(30:50):
so passionate about the factthat it is hard to tell the
world about the hope and thegoodness of God when we can't
even do it in our own marriages.
It's that important that wefocus on having a strong family
and a strong faith in and ofourselves as well.
So spiritual attraction you canwork on this by praying, by
(31:15):
talking to God, by journaling,by reading the Bible, by
volunteering.
You can do this as a way torealize that you're not alone,
that life is bigger than all ofthe current circumstances and
suffering that you're goingthrough, but that there is also
hope and help for you in theplace that you are.
(31:37):
Laura shared she said that shedoes meditation and yoga.
I will not allow my reluctantspouse's behaviors to affect my
behavior and that I willcontinue to live within my
beliefs and values, regardlessof what others say or what my
reluctant spouse does.
That is such a great point andI'm glad you brought it up,
laura, because, yes, like we canbe very tempted, when our
(32:02):
husbands or our wives are beingcomplete crap to us, to
retaliate, to seek revenge to.
Some people even go as far asmy spouse had an affair, well,
I'm going to go cheat on themwith a one night stand, but then
we're living outside of ourbeliefs and values and then when
we begin to do things like thatin order to seek revenge or get
(32:24):
back at our spouse, we begin tochange into people that we
don't like.
Alexandria says I try to goaround and encourage others
throughout my day as my ministryto them, even when I feel down.
That's a great way to work onspiritual attraction.
Kim says how does this work whenour reluctant spouse doesn't
believe?
Well, they don't have to,because the pies is about you.
(32:45):
It's about you becoming abetter person.
It's about you moving forwardand doing the next right thing.
It has nothing to do with yourspouse.
So, with the pies, a lot of youalso saying that you volunteer.
A lot of you saying that youjournal or you talk, you do
things to release your anger sothat you don't become angry.
(33:07):
All of that is incredibly,incredibly helpful, but the pies
of attraction.
It's an easy frameworkphysically, intellectually,
emotionally and spirituallybecause this is what helps you
to become the best that you canbe the pies of attraction number
(33:27):
one.
Here's your takeaways you workon your pies first and foremost
for you, not for your spouse,not to look a certain way.
You do it because it's the bestthing that you can do for you,
and consistency is key.
I saw someone as we first goton.
They said I've been working onmy pies and I'm about to give up
.
What's the alternative?
(33:50):
You stop working on becominghealthy in all four of these
areas, you become angry andsedentary and you stop learning
and growing and you stop helpingothers.
What's the alternative?
You don't do pies for anyoneelse.
(34:11):
You do it for you, andconsistency is key.
You keep doing it even whenyour husband doesn't notice.
You keep doing it even whenyour wife continues to ignore
you.
You just keep doing it becauseit's what you do for you.
There is literally noalternative.
And you're consistent becauseit's important to keep moving
(34:33):
and to keep moving forward andto keep growing in your pies so
that you don't become stagnant,because it's good for you and
then, if anything works, tobring your spouse back.
This will Not only like thepies is a huge part of the
initial part, but this fits inwith how you implement smart
(34:54):
contact.
This fits in with you actuallybeginning to change some of your
behaviors.
This fits in to the biggerprocess that we take people
through every single day atMarriage Helper in helping them
to save their marriage.
This helps.
Scott shared he said he wastalking to his coach, meredith,
about the pies.
They're not work and they'renot even hard.
(35:16):
They are just a new way to live, absolutely.
This is the new way that youapproach your day, that you
approach how you think aboutwhat you're going to do in the
next day.
If you do one thing each day tojust work on even just one area
of the pies, then this is goingto help you.
Aaron says pies, it works.
(35:37):
The pies work if you work yourpies.
It won't if you don't.
So work it because you areworth it.
I love that.
I think that's you should beour new spokesperson, aaron for
the pies.
Johnny says how can any of thishelp, even when there's no
contact and she's making up liesabout things that didn't happen
?
Again, you do this for youPeople who are saying I want to
(35:59):
teach this to my children.
I want them to work on theirpies.
Yes, like this is healthy.
This is what helps people havestrong self-esteem and to have
worth and belief and value inthemselves and in other people.
This is incredibly helpful.
(36:22):
So the next step for you if youwant to do even more to work on
your pies and to do the wholesystem, the whole process that
has had over a 70% success rateat Marriage Helper then speak
with someone on our team.
It's not just a three-dayworkshop.
We have a whole plan, a 90-dayplan that we take people through
.
That can get you to see.
That helps you to begin to seemajor results.
That helps you begin to reduceyour anxiety, to find community,
(36:46):
to know that you're not alone,to see true deep transformation
in the three-day workshop.
That is a huge part of theexperience and the process we
offer at Marriage Helper, butit's not the only part.
It's one part of a three-leggedstool which includes our
courses and community, which isin our membership, and your
dedicated coach who's going towalk alongside you with
(37:09):
assessments and with a plan thatthey guide you down so that you
can begin to see huge change inyourself, so that you can see
change in your marriage and youcan apply to speak with one of
our team members.
It's a zero-cost conversationwhere they just ask what's going
on in your marriage, what areyour goals, and does it make
(37:30):
sense for us to work alongsideof you and to help guide you
into the success that you wantto have for you?
I can also tell you becausethis is the biggest question,
let's be real.
This is the biggest questionthat people have, but is it
going to work for me?
If you've done it, I would loveto hear in the chat.
I see Anna responded and saidshe did the solo workshop and it
(37:51):
was incredibly beneficial.
I see Samantha saying thatshe's doing the online solo
workshop in January, which isawesome because our workshops
have caps, so we've had thispast one.
It had a wait list and so ifthere's like you have to get in,
you have to get in and makesure you can secure a spot,
because they are absolutelyfilling up.
(38:13):
But and even Lucy says itreally does change you from the
core you can go and look at someof the Google reviews where
people say this changed my life.
It's amazing how often our teamhears that and we have to
remind ourselves to not get numbto how often we hear that,
(38:34):
because every time someone saysthis changed my life, this
changed my children's future,this saved my life.
I was on the brink of notknowing what I was going to do
and this made everythingdifferent for my future.
Richard says the pies work.
My wife has even noticed.
(38:55):
Samantha says these marriagehelper coaches have been my
lifeline in the last three weeksafter the affair, disclosure
and so.
And then Wendy says yes, thesolo workshop was good for me to
realize what I needed to donext and listen like in in even
Nicholas.
He says I've done the three dayworkshop with my spouse, I'm
still struggling.
There's a process.
That's why we don't say inthree Nicholas, he says I've
done the three-day workshop withmy spouse, I'm still struggling
(39:16):
.
There's a process.
That's why we don't say inthree days, it's all going to
turn around In three days.
Seeds are planted In three days.
There's a lot of work done.
That lays the foundation wherepeople begin to see that the
future may be different than thepast, and that's what hope is.
So if you need hope, borrow someof mine, because hope is two
(39:46):
things.
It is a vision of how thingscan be different in the future
and it is a plan to get there.
I can tell you all day longabout the thousands of couples
we've worked with whosemarriages have been in
situations just like yours, andI can tell you all day long what
happened to them.
And it's not going to fullygive you hope because you're
always going to say, but what ifit doesn't work?
(40:06):
For me, what you need to see toactually have hope is a plan.
It is a plan of how things canbe different.
And isn't that what Christmasis?
We have hope, especially thoseof us who celebrate Christmas
and the birth of Christ.
The older we get, the more werealize that the hope that we
(40:30):
have like we can read or hearpeople talk about how one day
there will be a time wherethere's no more pain, there's no
more tears, every tear will bewiped away, that we will one day
be with God.
But that hope didn't make senseuntil there was a plan of how
to get there, which was Jesuscoming to earth and dying for
(40:51):
our sins and resurrecting, likeall of that gives us the plan.
We have hope.
Because of those two things,today you may not have hope,
because maybe you don't believethings can be different in the
future, or maybe you want so badfor things to be different in
the future, but you don't see aplan that works for you.
I'm telling you, our team has aplan that works for you.
(41:11):
If you are ready for adifference to be made in your
life, we are here with you.
We can help you.
I have hope for you.
I hope you can get some of thathope too, because that's the
beauty of Christmas it'srealizing there's hope even in
the midst of darkness.
(41:32):
And right now your life mayfeel very dark, your marriage
may feel very dark, but there ishope.
Scott shares.
I went through the solo workshopthree months ago.
It was 100% worth it for me.
I've seen a shift in myrelationship with everyone, not
just my wife and kids, butmainly the best version of me is
(41:54):
starting to show up every day,life-changing.
Who wants that?
Do you want that?
Do you want your life to bedifferent in six months from
today?
Or do you have to do is decideif you are actually going to do
(42:24):
something different and so talkto our team.
Zero cost, no obligation.
We just want to help because webelieve that your marriage can
be saved.
I hope you all have a MerryChristmas.
Thank you for being with metoday.
(42:44):
I hope that this is helpful.
I would love for you to share,as we wrap up, what are some key
takeaways from today's lesson,from our webinar, from our time
together.
And book a call, speak withsomeone on our team.
Give yourself the gift of a newyou next year, as a gift for
yourself this Christmas, becauseyour future can be different
(43:06):
than your past, but you have todo something about it.
We'll see you next time.
How to begin saving your marriage by working on
yourself.
The four-step framework.
We call it the pies, the piesof attraction.
If we want to be serious aboutit, y'all, I can't tell you how
much of a life-changingdifference this concept, this
four-part framework, has had inmy life.
(00:20):
It's why I'm so passionateabout it.
It's why I'm getting my PhD inperformance psychology, it's why
I this is what gives me passion.
I absolutely love seeingmarriages saved, but I know that
it's not just the marriage thatneeds the turnaround.
It is the people that make upthe marriage.
(00:41):
You cannot underline this.
If you're taking notes, youcannot have a healthy marriage
if you are an unhealthy person,and the pies is what gives us
the framework to become thehealthiest and best version of
ourselves that we can be, sothat we can have the best
relationships in our life.
(01:01):
Bar none hands down, this works.
So what are the pies?
Well, the first one we're goingto start with is physical.
It's actually actually likebacking up just before this the
pies of attraction.
I need to let you know this isthe first step on the love path.
There's a process to falling inlove.
We call it the love path hereat Marriage Helper, and there's
(01:23):
four steps to it.
It's attraction, acceptance,attachment and aspirations.
All four of those don't matterto you today, but what does
matter to you because it's whatwe're talking about is the part
of attraction.
Attraction is how peopleinitially fall in love.
When I first saw my husband well, when I first saw him, I was
three years old and he was fiveyears old and we were fighting
(01:45):
over the red Fisher price car.
I don't know if any of youremember that it's like a red
car with a yellow roof.
Our parents were friends.
He was over at my house playingwith me when we were young and
he wanted to play with my toys.
I remember specifically youwonder why we ended up having
marriage problems.
I remember specifically he wentinto my closet and got toys out
and every toy he got out thathe wanted to play with I would
(02:06):
take from him and put it on myside of the room where he
couldn't find it.
We would get it and he wantedto play in this car of mine.
I didn't want him to.
I flung myself on the roof andkicked and screamed until he got
out.
That's when I first met myhusband, but when we actually
got to the point in our lifewhere we began dating and
(02:26):
reconnected, which was incollege.
It wasn't one of those storieswhere we were like lifelong
lovers.
We didn't reconnect until hewas a senior in college and I
was a freshman and I saw him onFacebook.
And then I had friends who werein classes with him and knew
about him.
And when I saw him on FacebookI was like, oh my gosh, I
remember this guy.
(02:47):
He is so cute.
I was attracted to himphysically, but then my friends
started talking about him andthey said, oh Beam because
that's what they called me, thatwas my nickname in college oh
Beam, you've got to date thisguy.
He's such a great guy.
So then I started learningabout him from other people.
He and I started chatting andtalking on Facebook Messenger
(03:09):
back when you had to have acollege account to use Facebook.
This was way back in the dayand we just started talking and
we found out we had a lot incommon.
So I was intellectuallyattracted to him.
Then we started dating and Iremember on our first date he
came to my dorm to pick me upand he opened every single door
(03:30):
for me, including the door tohis pickup truck.
He, as we dated, he would sendme text messages, he would have
flowers delivered to my dorm.
He made me feel so cherishedand so loved, so I was
emotionally attracted to him.
He evoked emotions within me.
I enjoyed feeling and then,spiritually, I was incredibly
(03:51):
attracted to him because I feltlike being with him made me a
better person.
He had a heart for helping thehomeless.
He still does to this day.
He's a very generous person andI would see him do those things
and I just wanted to be morelike that.
Attraction is the beginning ofthe process of falling in love.
(04:12):
We fall in love with people weare attracted to, which then
helps us continue on in the lovepath, which we won't get into
those next steps today.
But here's what I want you toknow when you are first falling
in love, attraction is whatmatters.
But if you have fallen out oflove, if your relationship is in
the middle of a struggle or acrisis right now, the first
(04:33):
thing, the next thing, the bestthing for you to do is to go
back to the beginning of thelove path, which is attraction.
You focus on doing these things, number one because it's the
best thing that you can do foryou, but secondly, because if
anything works to bring yourspouse back, this will.
(04:53):
They fell in love with youbefore they can fall in love
with you again, and this is thepathway of making it happen.
The first one is physical.
This is, for some reason, mostpeople's least favorite part of
the pies.
For those of you who have beenworking on your pies I see you
in the chat.
You've been members for forever.
(05:14):
You're giving people advice andit's beautiful.
Which is your favorite part ofthe pies?
I would love to just hear fromsome of you.
And then, in thinking ofphysical, what are some things
that you did in your journey tofocus on becoming feeling the
best that you can physically foryourself?
I think the reason that peoplereally don't like physical
(05:36):
attraction is because there's anote of it or like an undertone
in physical attraction that justalways reeks of we aren't good
enough as we are Because there'sthe GQ and Esquire magazines or
Women's Health and Cosmopolitanthat always show people who
have completely not logicalbodies and we compare ourselves
(06:02):
to those.
But here's something that oneof my friends said years ago and
I just love it so much.
She said our bodies were notmade to be on the covers of
magazines.
Our bodies are made to help usdo life and to have energy and
to help us do the things that welove to do and to be active and
(06:23):
to be able to play with ourkids and play with our grandkids
, and to be able to keep usliving long and healthy lives
Like.
The physical part of attractionisn't just the makeup you wear,
how big your muscles are, howlittle body fat you have.
That's actually missing thepoint of it altogether.
The physical part of attractionis making sure that you are
(06:45):
doing what you can to look andfeel your best for your age and
situation in life.
I want to read some of thecomments that we have here.
A lot of people are sayingtheir favorite part of the pies
is emotional.
We're going to get to that.
But, joe, physical is theeasiest to make noticeable
difference.
This is so true.
(07:06):
You can see some big winspretty quickly by focusing on
your physical attraction, andwe're going to talk about more
of that in just a minute.
But and in fact let me justskip to the next slide and then
I'm going to go back through thecomments.
So in each of these, I'm goingto go through each of the four
(07:26):
areas and I'm going to give adefinition of what we just
talked about how it helps you,how it helps your marriage and
the practical application of it.
So physical attraction islooking and feeling the best
that you can for your age andyour situation in life.
So how does this help you?
It's because it gives youself-confidence when you begin
to go on a mile walk every day,like take small steps here.
(07:48):
If you are someone who's justcompletely sedentary, you have a
crazy busy life.
What is one thing that you canbegin to do to just feel better
for your age and your situationin life?
And there's some pillars here.
There are actually three keypillars that I always tell
people to focus on when it comesto physical attraction.
These are, if you're wantingthe best bang for your buck, the
(08:11):
ones that have the absolutemost research and the ones that
are just the most important.
It's going to be sleep,nutrition and exercise those
three things.
Getting enough sleep andexercise those three things.
Getting enough sleep I cannotbang the drum hard enough.
If you aren't getting enoughsleep, then you are not going to
(08:33):
be able.
Your brain, the processingpower of your brain, and
especially the part of yourbrain that's able to handle
emotional circumstances is notgoing to be working as well as
it could.
So when you have a fight withyour husband or a disagreement
with your wife or somethingcomes up that gives you a ton of
anxiety, you are not going tobe able to deal with it as well
(08:55):
as you could if you had beengetting enough sleep Seven to
eight hours a night.
I don't want to hear excuses.
You need to be getting seven toeight hours a night.
You can tell me all day longthat you can thrive just fine on
four to five, but every singlebit of data and research tells
me that you're lying.
So you need to be getting sevento eight hours of sleep.
You might be thinking how Ican't sleep.
(09:17):
Well, I don't know if this isgood or bad, but a lot of people
in our membership they say Ijust love putting on videos of
Dr Joe Bean's voice, which is mydad.
He has an amazing voice, if youhaven't heard it, and it just
calms me and it helps to put meto sleep.
It's not because he's boring,it's because he has a great
(09:37):
voice.
There are things that you can doto help you and the thing is
you may not get seven to eighthours tonight, but you can begin
to make a plan to work overtimeto start getting more sleep.
Change your schedule, changewhatever you do to prioritize
sleep.
What did I say?
Prioritize sleep.
If you're going to focus on anyof the three, start there.
If you're not getting seven toeight hours of sleep, begin
(09:59):
today.
Make small changes.
You don't have to go from fourhours tonight to eight hours
tonight.
You probably can't, but you canbegin doing 15 minute
increments over the next coupleof weeks, increasing it by 15
minutes every time.
Please start there, because itis going to change you.
Then we have exercise.
This is where you can begin tosee the biggest difference.
(10:21):
Exercise doesn't just help youlose weight.
In fact, exercise is nevermeant to help someone lose
weight.
Nutrition is the only way, orit is the key way, that
someone's actually going to loseweight.
But exercise does so much foryour body.
Your muscles do fascinatingthings.
When you exercise that releasebasically endorphins that help
you to feel better.
It helps you deal with stressand anxiety.
(10:43):
So if you're not doing anythingright now, start small, or
maybe, if you feel like youcould amp it up, then amp it up.
I can't, I cannot, I would.
I would, if I had all of thiswebinar to talk about exercise.
I absolutely would.
It's my favorite topic to talkabout, but be doing something
that is giving you exercise orhelping you to exercise, to just
(11:05):
move your body.
And then nutrition, eat healthyfoods.
It's really that easy.
When you do these things, ithelps you to sleep better, to
better handle your emotions,calm your anxiety, give you a
better quality of life.
It fills your cup.
It's not about looking acertain way, it's about feeling
a certain way.
So how does it help yourmarriage?
Certain way, it's about feelinga certain way.
(11:27):
So how does it help yourmarriage?
When you feel good aboutyourself, it comes across in
your relationship with yourspouse.
That's why.
So, just like what Joe wassaying earlier, physical is the
easiest to begin seeing anoticeable difference.
What we know about humanpsychology and motivation is
that feedback and the quickerthe feedback, the better
Feedback helps us to continuemoving towards something.
(11:48):
I mean, how many of you haveever tried a diet and you're
trying to lose 10 pounds and youstep on the scale and you see
nothing, no change, and you'vebeen working so hard.
Well, you're not going tocontinue that diet.
But if you begin to make somechanges and change some things
but you step on a scale a weekin and you see you've been
working so hard, well, you'renot going to continue that diet.
But if you begin to make somechanges and change some things
but you step on a scale a weekin and you see you've lost two
(12:09):
pounds, oh my gosh.
That is the positivereinforcement.
You need to keep going.
Pies the physical part of thepies is what can really begin to
give us that positivereinforcement quicker, to keep
us working on ourselves in allof the other areas.
Keep us working on ourselves inall of the other areas.
So the practical application getsleep, move your body, eat
healthy foods and then kind of abonus one here is get outside
(12:36):
and get some sunlight,especially in the winter time
where seasonal affectivedisorder is a very real thing.
Go for a walk during lunch orat some point.
Just try and get some sunlight.
It'll also help you sleepbetter, which is a huge one.
Lucy says physical for me isgetting enough sleep so I don't
look haggard.
That's perfect.
Joanne says that physical isthe easiest.
(12:56):
Claire shares that she walksher dog.
She lifts heavy bags of chickenfeed.
It doesn't have to be crazystuff that you do.
Scott does yoga at 530 in themorning.
All of these, like peopleeating healthy.
There are definitely ways thatyou can encourage each other,
and and Laura even says,drinking enough water, eating
nourishing food, gettingmovement and sleeping well all
(13:19):
of that is important.
So then let's talk aboutintellectual attraction.
I remember when my husband andI started dating and even now,
especially and especially, as wewere kind of rebuilding things
after our marriage had gonethrough that difficult point and
about 12 years ago was beingable to talk to each other about
(13:40):
things that weren't emotionallycharged, about things that
weren't emotionally charged,making sure that every
discussion we had wasn't justdrenched in how hurt I was or
how angry we were with eachother or the hurt that we had
gone through, because that isnot what people want to talk
about.
What we want, what we'reattracted to, is someone that we
(14:02):
love talking to, that we canhave fascinating conversations
with, and so intellectualattraction is being a
fascinating person to talk to.
And how does this help you?
It gives you somethingproductive to do with your
thoughts, first and foremost,with your thoughts and your
talents, instead of brooding orworrying about your situation.
(14:23):
How many of you feel like youspend 50 to 80% of your time
thinking about your currentmarriage situation, thinking
about how you wish things weredifferent?
Me, yes, several of you sayingme, me, me Right.
(14:46):
So the way that we can kill twobirds with one stone here is,
first of all, think about thethings that you are actually
interested in.
Think about the things you'repassionate about, what you're
curious about, and beginlearning more about those things
.
Take up a habit that you'vebeen interested in.
Go and take a course thatyou've been interested in.
(15:06):
Do something that is going tohelp you learn and continue to
be a fascinating person whereyou're learning and growing and
all of those things.
But the other thing that thisdoes for you is it helps your
mind not just linger and worryabout and be anxious about all
of the things that are happeningin your marriage.
(15:29):
How does it help your marriage?
We tend to find people moreattractive when we share common
interests and can have funtalking to them.
So when you grow and engageyour mind by doing new hobbies
and learning new things, it alsohelps to attract your spouse
back for a couple of reasons.
Number one now you have.
Now your spouse sees you asmore of an interesting and
(15:49):
fascinating person to talk to,like oh, they have depth to them
, they can carry on aconversation and it's not just
about the things that they'reangry about.
They actually have depth andbreadth and I enjoy talking to
them, and especially if you canhave a shared hobby or a shared
thing that you want to focus onand that you want to do with
(16:11):
each other, that helps too.
But the bottom line of this is Iknow, and one of the things I
love about my husband is thatwhen I come home at the end of a
hard day, he will listen to mevent, he'll listen to me
complain.
He will be there for me.
I can talk to him aboutabsolutely anything.
(16:32):
He can talk to me aboutabsolutely anything, and we
enjoy doing that.
We enjoy telling each otherabout new things that we've
learned.
We enjoy that part of ourmarriage and he is my best
friend.
He is 100% my best friend.
So intellectual attractionthat's how it helps your
(16:55):
marriage.
So think of three to fivethings that you're passionate
about, curious about orinterested in.
Go read a book about it.
Go to a class.
Learn a new hobby about thesethings.
Go read a book about it.
Go to a class, learn a newhobby about these things.
This is what can help get yourmind off of it and also this is
what helps you to be moreintellectually attractive.
Then we get to emotionalattraction, and I know this is a
(17:17):
lot of people's favorite partabout the pies, and this one is
all about evoking emotionswithin other people that they
enjoy feeling.
This is a key part ofattraction overall and when it
comes to relationships with ourspouse, our kids, best friends,
(17:38):
family members, this is the mostimportant part of attraction.
Most important part ofattraction, because you can be
the most well-slept, well-fed,well-exercised person in the
world that knows a whole bunchof things.
(17:58):
But at the end of the day, ifpeople don't like how you feel,
or if people don't like how theyfeel because of how you treat
them, no one's going to beattracted to you, and not just
romantically.
In any relationship in life,emotional attraction is
absolutely the key.
So what is emotional attraction?
It is evoking emotions withinothers that they enjoy feeling,
(18:21):
and that's the key here.
It's not emotions that youenjoy feeling.
It's not doing the things thatyou would want other people to
do for you.
Not that that's a bad thing todo.
But the viewpoint that we haveto have here is not what am I
going to love.
It has to be what is my spousegoing to appreciate?
And so for my husband he doesnot like surprises, he does not
(18:43):
like the spotlight.
He does not like surprises, hedoes not like the spotlight.
He honestly doesn't even lovegifts.
At Christmas time he would behappy with a pair of socks.
And I am dead serious.
It drives my mom crazy, becauseevery year Rob says I just want
socks.
So guess what, instead oftrying to make a big ordeal and
get him something crazy becausewe would feel better about it,
(19:05):
we just give him what he says hewants, and he is incredibly
happy with it.
It's about what the other personwill appreciate and evoking
emotions within them that theyenjoy feeling.
So how does this help you?
First, it starts with youevoking emotions within yourself
that you enjoy feeling.
Again, it's hard to give froman empty cup.
(19:25):
So if you are filled with angerand resentment, you need to
forgive.
If you are struggling withtelling yourself that you're
ugly, you're worthless, that noone's ever going to love you,
you need to change that.
You need to start truly givingyourself some positive self-talk
and there's so much psychologyand research behind that and, as
(19:47):
silly as it may sound it may beyou putting post-it notes on
your mirror so that you can saythree to five positive things
about yourself every morning.
You have to begin to think morepositively, because otherwise
it is going to be very difficultfor you to want to build other
people up, to evoke emotionswithin them that they enjoy
(20:08):
feeling, without just feelingresentful about it, and then
from there you can start showingothers in your life that you
care for them by practicing yourpulls.
Here is your chance to shine.
Here's your chance to show.
This pulls concept is you'redoing the things that pull other
(20:28):
people towards you by thisevoking emotions within them
that they enjoy feeling.
Because when we do the thingsthat evoke emotions within
others, they don't enjoy feeling.
It pushes them away.
I had a friend in high schoolwho was on the track team and
she was in great shape.
(20:50):
She wasn't the skinniest girlin eighth grade, but or so it
was middle school.
She wasn't the skinniest girlin eighth grade, but she
definitely was not obese.
But her mother, every singleday, would tell her how fat she
was and that she needed to runmore and that she needed to eat
less.
And so, as an eighth grade girl, she would have this tiny
(21:14):
little meal for lunch becauseher mom told her she had to lose
weight.
And there was never anythingloving or positive that her mom
would tell her.
Her mother was evoking emotionswithin her that she did not
enjoy feeling, and my friendwould take it what else is she
going to do?
And her mother was a niceperson.
She wasn't some terrible beast,she was enjoyable to be around,
(21:37):
and it wasn't that she was justsaying it, even in a harsh tone
, it would just come across aslike.
I don't want to say her name,I'll call her Amber.
Amber, you should really lose acouple of pounds before you get
into high school.
It was just very.
I'm sure her mother had goodintentions.
(21:59):
I'm sure her mother also hadsome demons of her own that she
hadn't dealt with, and it wastherefore coming across to her
daughter.
When we don't have emotionswithin ourselves that we enjoy
feeling, it trickles over intohow we come across to other
people.
My friend, whose name I willsay is Amber, but it's not by
(22:24):
the time she graduated highschool, she left home, left her
family, left her religion andnever turned back because her
mother pushed her out the door.
That is how important thisconcept of emotional attraction
is and, as Chris said, thisconcept of emotional attraction
(22:48):
is.
And, as Chris said, emotionalis the biggest struggle for a
lot of people.
It's the one that we all wantto get right, but it's the
hardest to perfect.
I don't think that any of us areever going to perfect being the
most emotionally attractiveperson in the world, and I don't
think that we should, because,honestly, I believe it's the
journey to figuring out, foreach person that we love, what
are the things that I can dothat show you I love you, that
(23:11):
you appreciate, that evokeemotions within you, that you
enjoy feeling.
That's part of what buildsrelationships.
We're not going to figure thisout and check it off our list
and be good to go.
This is a daily thing, it is adaily mindset, it is a daily
choice, it is a dailyresponsibility that each of us
have the opportunity to takeinto the relationships with the
(23:35):
people that we love.
How does it help your marriage?
Because if anything works tobring your spouse back, this
will, this will we like to sayat Marriage Helper that people
don't leave what they have,unless what they're going to is
better, so be the better.
(23:57):
Be the person where peopledon't feel like they're
handcuffed to stay to you, butto where you are the well.
What do I mean by that?
In Australia, there's placesfarms that have so many
thousands of acres that youcannot fence it in, but they
have cows, and so how do theykeep the cows from leaving?
(24:19):
Well, they put wells in thecenter of all of that land,
because the cow knows that thisis the place it gets its
nourishment, this is the placeit gets its refreshment.
It wants to stay close to thewell, because the well is what
makes it feel good, feel safe.
How can you be the well in yourmarriage?
(24:46):
You stop doing the things thatpush your spouse away and you
start doing the things to pullthem back.
So stop guilting andmanipulating and complaining and
whining and throwing in thoselittle remarks like Amber's mom
did.
If you would just lose a coupleof pounds If you would just say
something a little different.
If you would just lose a coupleof pounds if you would just say
(25:08):
something a little different.
If you would just like tryharder in your job and make a
little more money, if you wouldhave just taken the trash out.
If you would just be different,then things would be better.
People don't want to hear thatand stay in that kind of
relationship day in and day out.
And stay in that kind ofrelationship day in and day out.
Stop trying to get your way,pointing out all of their flaws.
(25:29):
Stop trying to fix and control.
Start listening, having empathy, being present and doing what
your spouse has asked them orasked you to do for them.
Maybe your spouse has alreadygiven you the blueprint.
I can't tell you how many timesthat we have typically men and
(25:52):
this is not supposed to begender specific, but this tends
to be the case Typically men whocome to us and say my wife left
and I have no idea why.
In fact, we just had one of oursolo spouse workshops here.
These are transformativeworkshops for the person who's
wanting to save their marriage.
When the spouse wants out andthis past weekend we had one of
(26:15):
all men and so many times, andmore now than maybe ever before,
men are feeling confused andblindsided by why their spouse
wants out.
Men, are any of you feelingthis way about your wife all of
a sudden falling in love withsomeone else.
You didn't see it coming.
Where did it go so wrong?
This is not uncommon.
(26:35):
Yes, I already see men sayingyes.
That is how I feel.
A lot of times women have beensaying things over the years
because women are not as likelyand if you look at the research,
men tend to make quickerdecisions and say that they want
out of their marriage.
Women tend to be way morelong-suffering and by the time
(26:57):
they say that they want out,they've given clues, but
typically the men haven't pickedup on those, and so women
typically have given you thelike, said over the years the
things that they were frustratedwith.
The men just typically weren'tlistening, they weren't attuned
to it, they weren't aware of it,and so many times your spouse
has actually given you theblueprint.
They've said things like why doyou work so much?
(27:19):
I wish you would be morepresent.
But we can push that aside, wecan push that down.
We can justify why we're doingeverything that we're doing
right now and justify it bysaying I'm doing this for the
family.
I'm always doing this for thefamily.
I had a business friend who,years ago, he said I always told
(27:41):
my wife that I was doing thisfor her, I was doing this for
the kids and at any time thatshe could say that she could
tell me otherwise, like if Iwasn't being present enough or
whatever that she could tell meotherwise.
Well, one day she did come andshe said you can keep doing what
you're doing, but don't pretendlike it's for us anymore,
(28:02):
because you're never here.
So clearly you're not doingthis for us, you're doing this
for you.
You stop doing the things thatare pushing your spouse away and
you start doing the things thatwill pull your spouse back and
you think back to what thosethings might be that are
(28:23):
important to your spouse andthat helps us have emotional
attraction.
And then our fourth and finalone is spiritual attraction.
Spiritual attraction is allabout living in line with your
beliefs and values and actuallystanding for something and
having something you'repassionate about caring for
(28:44):
others.
This can include faith, andmany times it does, and for me,
my faith was instrumental,absolutely instrumental, in what
changed my life and continuesto this day to change my life,
and it was instrumental in myhusband's change as well.
But you can also always focuson living out beliefs and values
(29:05):
, helping other people andrealizing that you're not in
control of everyone's life,including your own, when we
focus on spiritual attraction.
I would love to hear in thechat what others have when we
focus on spiritual attraction.
I would love to hear in the chatwhat others have done to focus
on spiritual attraction as well.
It's becoming a person of deepbeliefs and values that also
cares for others, how it helpsyou.
(29:26):
It helps you realize you aren'tin control of everything and to
lean on a power greater thanyourself.
And, of course, I believebecause the Bible tells me,
tells me and you from Psalm orin Psalm 34, that God is near to
the brokenhearted and herescues them from the pit of
despair.
Is that what you need today?
You have the ability to pray,to ask God for help, and I
(30:04):
believe 100% that he will movein powerful ways in your life.
Not immediately, and I know forme, my turnaround happened in me
first and foremost, and maybethat's what is going to happen
for you too.
So then, how does this helpyour marriage?
Because people are attracted tothose who stand for good things
, who love others and who livein line with their own beliefs
(30:26):
and values.
It's really hard to be aChristian and be a really crappy
spouse.
It's not a good witness.
In fact, I was in Kenya with anamazing group of people earlier
this year.
We were doing some marriagetraining for pastors and their
wives in Kenya and the mainpastor that we were staying with
his name is Pastor Peter and hesaid he was just so adamant and
(30:50):
so passionate about the factthat it is hard to tell the
world about the hope and thegoodness of God when we can't
even do it in our own marriages.
It's that important that wefocus on having a strong family
and a strong faith in and ofourselves as well.
So spiritual attraction you canwork on this by praying, by
(31:15):
talking to God, by journaling,by reading the Bible, by
volunteering.
You can do this as a way torealize that you're not alone,
that life is bigger than all ofthe current circumstances and
suffering that you're goingthrough, but that there is also
hope and help for you in theplace that you are.
(31:37):
Laura shared she said that shedoes meditation and yoga.
I will not allow my reluctantspouse's behaviors to affect my
behavior and that I willcontinue to live within my
beliefs and values, regardlessof what others say or what my
reluctant spouse does.
That is such a great point andI'm glad you brought it up,
laura, because, yes, like we canbe very tempted, when our
(32:02):
husbands or our wives are beingcomplete crap to us, to
retaliate, to seek revenge to.
Some people even go as far asmy spouse had an affair, well,
I'm going to go cheat on themwith a one night stand, but then
we're living outside of ourbeliefs and values and then when
we begin to do things like thatin order to seek revenge or get
(32:24):
back at our spouse, we begin tochange into people that we
don't like.
Alexandria says I try to goaround and encourage others
throughout my day as my ministryto them, even when I feel down.
That's a great way to work onspiritual attraction.
Kim says how does this work whenour reluctant spouse doesn't
believe?
Well, they don't have to,because the pies is about you.
(32:45):
It's about you becoming abetter person.
It's about you moving forwardand doing the next right thing.
It has nothing to do with yourspouse.
So, with the pies, a lot of youalso saying that you volunteer.
A lot of you saying that youjournal or you talk, you do
things to release your anger sothat you don't become angry.
(33:07):
All of that is incredibly,incredibly helpful, but the pies
of attraction.
It's an easy frameworkphysically, intellectually,
emotionally and spirituallybecause this is what helps you
to become the best that you canbe the pies of attraction number
(33:27):
one.
Here's your takeaways you workon your pies first and foremost
for you, not for your spouse,not to look a certain way.
You do it because it's the bestthing that you can do for you,
and consistency is key.
I saw someone as we first goton.
They said I've been working onmy pies and I'm about to give up
.
What's the alternative?
(33:50):
You stop working on becominghealthy in all four of these
areas, you become angry andsedentary and you stop learning
and growing and you stop helpingothers.
What's the alternative?
You don't do pies for anyoneelse.
(34:11):
You do it for you, andconsistency is key.
You keep doing it even whenyour husband doesn't notice.
You keep doing it even whenyour wife continues to ignore
you.
You just keep doing it becauseit's what you do for you.
There is literally noalternative.
And you're consistent becauseit's important to keep moving
(34:33):
and to keep moving forward andto keep growing in your pies so
that you don't become stagnant,because it's good for you and
then, if anything works, tobring your spouse back.
This will Not only like thepies is a huge part of the
initial part, but this fits inwith how you implement smart
(34:54):
contact.
This fits in with you actuallybeginning to change some of your
behaviors.
This fits in to the biggerprocess that we take people
through every single day atMarriage Helper in helping them
to save their marriage.
This helps.
Scott shared he said he wastalking to his coach, meredith,
about the pies.
They're not work and they'renot even hard.
(35:16):
They are just a new way to live, absolutely.
This is the new way that youapproach your day, that you
approach how you think aboutwhat you're going to do in the
next day.
If you do one thing each day tojust work on even just one area
of the pies, then this is goingto help you.
Aaron says pies, it works.
(35:37):
The pies work if you work yourpies.
It won't if you don't.
So work it because you areworth it.
I love that.
I think that's you should beour new spokesperson, aaron for
the pies.
Johnny says how can any of thishelp, even when there's no
contact and she's making up liesabout things that didn't happen
?
Again, you do this for youPeople who are saying I want to
(35:59):
teach this to my children.
I want them to work on theirpies.
Yes, like this is healthy.
This is what helps people havestrong self-esteem and to have
worth and belief and value inthemselves and in other people.
This is incredibly helpful.
(36:22):
So the next step for you if youwant to do even more to work on
your pies and to do the wholesystem, the whole process that
has had over a 70% success rateat Marriage Helper then speak
with someone on our team.
It's not just a three-dayworkshop.
We have a whole plan, a 90-dayplan that we take people through
.
That can get you to see.
That helps you to begin to seemajor results.
That helps you begin to reduceyour anxiety, to find community,
(36:46):
to know that you're not alone,to see true deep transformation
in the three-day workshop.
That is a huge part of theexperience and the process we
offer at Marriage Helper, butit's not the only part.
It's one part of a three-leggedstool which includes our
courses and community, which isin our membership, and your
dedicated coach who's going towalk alongside you with
(37:09):
assessments and with a plan thatthey guide you down so that you
can begin to see huge change inyourself, so that you can see
change in your marriage and youcan apply to speak with one of
our team members.
It's a zero-cost conversationwhere they just ask what's going
on in your marriage, what areyour goals, and does it make
(37:30):
sense for us to work alongsideof you and to help guide you
into the success that you wantto have for you?
I can also tell you becausethis is the biggest question,
let's be real.
This is the biggest questionthat people have, but is it
going to work for me?
If you've done it, I would loveto hear in the chat.
I see Anna responded and saidshe did the solo workshop and it
(37:51):
was incredibly beneficial.
I see Samantha saying thatshe's doing the online solo
workshop in January, which isawesome because our workshops
have caps, so we've had thispast one.
It had a wait list and so ifthere's like you have to get in,
you have to get in and makesure you can secure a spot,
because they are absolutelyfilling up.
(38:13):
But and even Lucy says itreally does change you from the
core you can go and look at someof the Google reviews where
people say this changed my life.
It's amazing how often our teamhears that and we have to
remind ourselves to not get numbto how often we hear that,
(38:34):
because every time someone saysthis changed my life, this
changed my children's future,this saved my life.
I was on the brink of notknowing what I was going to do
and this made everythingdifferent for my future.
Richard says the pies work.
My wife has even noticed.
(38:55):
Samantha says these marriagehelper coaches have been my
lifeline in the last three weeksafter the affair, disclosure
and so.
And then Wendy says yes, thesolo workshop was good for me to
realize what I needed to donext and listen like in in even
Nicholas.
He says I've done the three dayworkshop with my spouse, I'm
still struggling.
There's a process.
That's why we don't say inthree Nicholas, he says I've
done the three-day workshop withmy spouse, I'm still struggling
(39:16):
.
There's a process.
That's why we don't say inthree days, it's all going to
turn around In three days.
Seeds are planted In three days.
There's a lot of work done.
That lays the foundation wherepeople begin to see that the
future may be different than thepast, and that's what hope is.
So if you need hope, borrow someof mine, because hope is two
(39:46):
things.
It is a vision of how thingscan be different in the future
and it is a plan to get there.
I can tell you all day longabout the thousands of couples
we've worked with whosemarriages have been in
situations just like yours, andI can tell you all day long what
happened to them.
And it's not going to fullygive you hope because you're
always going to say, but what ifit doesn't work?
(40:06):
For me, what you need to see toactually have hope is a plan.
It is a plan of how things canbe different.
And isn't that what Christmasis?
We have hope, especially thoseof us who celebrate Christmas
and the birth of Christ.
The older we get, the more werealize that the hope that we
(40:30):
have like we can read or hearpeople talk about how one day
there will be a time wherethere's no more pain, there's no
more tears, every tear will bewiped away, that we will one day
be with God.
But that hope didn't make senseuntil there was a plan of how
to get there, which was Jesuscoming to earth and dying for
(40:51):
our sins and resurrecting, likeall of that gives us the plan.
We have hope.
Because of those two things,today you may not have hope,
because maybe you don't believethings can be different in the
future, or maybe you want so badfor things to be different in
the future, but you don't see aplan that works for you.
I'm telling you, our team has aplan that works for you.
(41:11):
If you are ready for adifference to be made in your
life, we are here with you.
We can help you.
I have hope for you.
I hope you can get some of thathope too, because that's the
beauty of Christmas it'srealizing there's hope even in
the midst of darkness.
(41:32):
And right now your life mayfeel very dark, your marriage
may feel very dark, but there ishope.
Scott shares.
I went through the solo workshopthree months ago.
It was 100% worth it for me.
I've seen a shift in myrelationship with everyone, not
just my wife and kids, butmainly the best version of me is
(41:54):
starting to show up every day,life-changing.
Who wants that?
Do you want that?
Do you want your life to bedifferent in six months from
today?
Or do you have to do is decideif you are actually going to do
(42:24):
something different and so talkto our team.
Zero cost, no obligation.
We just want to help because webelieve that your marriage can
be saved.
I hope you all have a MerryChristmas.
Thank you for being with metoday.
(42:44):
I hope that this is helpful.
I would love for you to share,as we wrap up, what are some key
takeaways from today's lesson,from our webinar, from our time
together.
And book a call, speak withsomeone on our team.
Give yourself the gift of a newyou next year, as a gift for
yourself this Christmas, becauseyour future can be different
(43:06):
than your past, but you have todo something about it.
We'll see you next time.
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