November 5, 2024 • 22 mins
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Plenty of research talks about how a parent's interaction with their child will affect that child's future. It's called attachment theory, which boils down to the consistency and the quality of a parent's interaction with their child. The research shows there are four primary outcomes in attachment theory, but the only positive one is secure attachment. Secure attachment means that the child will believe that mom and dad will always be there when they need them.
There are seven characteristics of strong families, the most important being quantity of time, not quality. The question is, what is most important to you? Financial stability is vital for any family, but is there a way to balance your work and family life?
Your Host: Kimberly Beam Holmes, Expert in Self-Improvement and Relationships
Kimberly Beam Holmes has applied her master's degree in psychology for over ten years, acting as the CEO of Marriage Helper & CEO and Creator of PIES University, being a wife and mother herself, and researching how attraction affects relationships. Her videos, podcasts, and following reach over 500,000 people a month who are making changes and becoming the best they can be.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Growing up I saw both sides of success, the good and
the bad.
You see, growing up I was neverreally in want for much of
anything.
My dad was a very successfulspeaker.
He was traveling all over theworld doing corporate sales
training, but also he was verysuccessful and well-known in the
(00:20):
church world as well and hewould go and he would do great
things.
He one year even worked with asmall division of Sears in their
sales training and he helpedthat division triple their sales
in one quarter, which wasfantastic.
I can only imagine if all ofSears had decided to work with
(00:41):
him then maybe they wouldn't bebankrupt today.
But he was good at what he didand when he would speak at
churches it moved people andencouraged them and influenced
them to change their life and todo better things.
And if any of the listenersknow my dad, dr Joe Beam, then
you know that he has a gift forspeaking and I admired my dad
(01:05):
for it All of my years growingup.
I really, really did, andbecause of his success I had
everything I could have everwanted, except for the credit
card that I started asking forat five years old, which I never
did get.
I had everything I could want,except for one thing.
(01:26):
It was at the height of my dad'sspeaking career that year.
He was traveling about 40 weeksof the year that is how busy he
was and I really spent most ofmy time with my dad when my mom
and I were either driving him tothe airport or picking him up
when he got home from some kindof speaking engagement that he
went to do.
(01:46):
And it was in that time, atthat year, that and even
probably the year that he maybeeven made the most money of his
life that one day he was gearingup to leave again for another
trip, I didn't know where, Ididn't know to who.
All I knew is that he was aboutto go and there were some
(02:09):
things that he forgot that hehad to go pack for his trip and
I needed to go to Walmart topick some things up.
And so I went with him, eagerto spend some time with him
before he flew out.
And as we were coming back fromWalmart late at night I was
about eight years old I lookedover at him and I said Dad, I
know why you love to travel somuch.
(02:30):
In later years we would talkabout this and he would recount
to me that his heart swelledwith pride as he was eager to
hear how, I would hopefully say,because of all the good he was
doing or because of all thelives that he was changing.
But his heart broke when,instead, my response was it's
(02:52):
because you don't want to spendtime with me.
My dad had a decision to make inthat moment.
Was he going to spend the restof my time living at home the
next 10 years, continuing thishigh-paced lifestyle and chasing
success?
Or was he going to admit thatperhaps, by doing what he loved,
(03:15):
he was sacrificing being withwho he loved?
Success success it's such astrange word because when you
actually look at the dictionarydefinition of it, it has nothing
to do with money, but it islaced with undertones of million
dollar mansions, sleek and sexycars and extraordinary
(03:41):
experiences, extravagantindulgences.
Surely success is somehow tiedto a paycheck or a promotion or
a title, because that's what somany people are chasing, and
it's not that any of thosethings are bad.
I think it is a great ambitionto want to provide nice things
(04:03):
and a great life for your familyand to want to be generous to
those around you.
I think it is honorable to wantto leave a legacy for your
future generations to come.
But my question to you today isat what cost?
It was, at the same time that Iwas asking my dad the question
(04:27):
of why he loved to travel somuch and would he consider being
home with me that there was avery successful realtor in the
state that I grew up in inGeorgia.
He was the top realtor in theentire state, so you can imagine
how much money he was making.
And he was speaking at aconvention, at a sales
conference, and he got up onstage and he said to the people
(04:48):
you know, sometimes my kidscomplain because I'm not there
for them.
They whine, they talk about it.
And so what I decided to do wasI put them in the car and I
drove them over to the projectsand we just spent some time
watching the people who livedthere, where they lived, what
(05:12):
they wore, what kind of car theydrove.
And so I turned to my kids andI said I could stop working and
we could live here, or I cankeep working and you can keep
your private schools and yournice cars and your spending
allowance.
Which one would you choose?
(05:33):
They were teenagers.
What were they supposed to say?
And, even worse, what were thevalues that he was teaching them
in that moment?
So they responded you work,keep working.
(05:58):
There's ample research out therethat talks about how, based on
a parent's interaction withtheir child, it will affect that
child's future for the rest oftheir life.
It's called attachment theory.
Many of you may have heard ofit I'm sure many of you have,
knowing the audacity of mylisteners to know about
relationship theories andrelationship psychology.
But in attachment theory itreally boils down to based on
(06:20):
the consistency and the qualityof a parent's interaction with
their child.
One out of four outcomes thatare kind of on a spectrum will
be the outcome.
Either a child will be anxiouswhen a parent is inconsistent in
their giving of what the childneeds, or if a parent is
(06:42):
completely disengaged and notgiving of what the child needs,
or if a parent is completelydisengaged and not giving of
what a child needs, then thatchild could end up being more on
the avoidant or anywhere inbetween on the spectrum of
anxious and avoidant.
But there's only one outcomethat you want for your child and
it's that secure attachment.
(07:02):
And if you boil all of theresearch down, secure attachment
really boils down to one thingit's a child believing that my
mom or my dad is going to bethere for me when I need them.
It's all about being there andnot just being there, in
(07:26):
sometimes not just being thereand in wanting to have quality
time with the short amount oftime that you're there, but it's
about the quantity time.
My dad actually was involved ina longitudinal research study
of what makes strong families atthe date that it was done it's
a book called Fantastic Familiesand at that date it was done I
believe it was the longestlongitudinal research study that
(07:49):
had been conducted on familiesReally fascinating, and what
they found was there's sevencharacteristics of strong
families.
One of those is not qualitytime.
It's not about taking one nighta week or one day a month or
heavens forbid one week a year.
It's not about only taking ashort time and trying to make
(08:11):
the most of it by filling itwith activities and hugs and all
the things you can do in theshort time.
No, it's not quality time, itis quantity time.
Quantity time according to theresearch, the more time that
you're with your family, thestronger your family will be,
(08:34):
and we see the same thing withattachment theory at the
workshops that we do at marriagehelper.
I can tell you story after storyof when people share at those
workshops about their experiencefrom their childhood, how that
(08:55):
experience has absolutelyimpacted and affected the
relationship that they're intoday.
Many of you probably feel this.
Maybe you already know you're abit more anxious or a bit more
avoidant, and it's based on anexperience you had either with
your parents in childhood.
But attachment theory can alsobe based off of a serious
(09:16):
romantic relationship.
It could be a first seriousromantic relationship or it
could be a recent seriousromantic relationship that has
led you to feel abandoned orinconsistently having needs met,
all of those things.
But it all boils down to thisyou build attachment, you build
strong relationships, you buildstrong families by being there.
(09:41):
There is no replacement for it.
You could give your family allof the things, but what your
family wants is you.
What I wanted was my dad, and Ithank God that he chose his
(10:05):
family.
What did he do?
He did not move us all to afarmstead to live off the land
in the countryside.
Thank Jesus.
We would all be dead, Iguarantee it To this day.
My family would considerroughing it to be a slow door
dash delivery.
But he did make some majorchanges.
(10:25):
He actually went from being inthat corporate world, that
high-paced lifestyle, to movingour family from Augusta, georgia
, up to Nashville, tennessee, sohe would have more local
opportunities.
When he would travel he wouldtake me and my family with him.
Me and my mom, my two oldersisters would go Sometimes.
(10:47):
My middle sister was in collegeso she didn't go all of the
time.
When he would travel.
She went some, and then myoldest sister is mentally
handicapped so she would go onsome of the trips but other
times she would stay with mygrandparents.
But overall we began to make ita family experience when he
would go speak every year in NewMexico or every year in
(11:08):
Colorado or out at PepperdineUniversity every year.
It was something that it becamea ritual of my family that we
would all just go with him andthat made so many memories To
this day.
I love travel because of thetravel experiences I got to have
(11:28):
with my dad and with my mom.
I so appreciate what he did andwhat he gave up.
But it wasn't always easy.
In fact, after we made the moveto Nashville and my dad even
further, well before we evenmade the move to Nashville, he
decided to leave the corporatelife and start an organization
(11:49):
called Marriage Helper.
That wasn't its name at thevery beginning, but that's what
it is now, because he and my momwanted to do something that
would have more impact in theworld, and also something that
would have more impact with hisfamily, with us, would allow him
to be with us more.
(12:10):
And so that's what he did.
He was starting to feelunfulfilled anyway with the
corporate world, even though itprovided a lot of money, did not
provide a lot of purpose, andso he switched.
He built this amazingorganization that I am blessed
today to be the CEO of, but itwasn't without its difficulties.
(12:33):
In fact, even a couple of yearsafter he originally started
Marriage Helper, he went frommaking the most money he had
ever made in his life to livingbelow the poverty line.
My parents could have qualifiedfor welfare, they could have
qualified for food stamps inthat time because they gave it
(12:54):
all up to start Marriage Helperand it was hard for several,
several years for them.
So, yes, there were times in mylife where, honestly, I was a
spoiled brat.
I had everything I could haveever wanted, and then there were
times in my life when I was theone helping support my family
(13:18):
because I was old enough at thattime to work.
I was paying for all of my ownthings, but I was more than
happy to do that because my dadwas there.
My mom was there.
I had a strong family and I amso thankful that, even though my
dad gave up some of thatfinancial success and there's no
(13:41):
way I will ever get a $10million inheritance, but I don't
care $10 million inheritance,but I don't care Would the
wealth be nice?
I guess so, but nothing couldever replace the relationship I
have with my family.
And I'm reminded.
Even now, as I'm in my thirtiesand I'm as the CEO of this
(14:02):
company and I'm doing all ofthese things, I'm constantly
having to ask myself but am Iputting my first priority first?
Even just this past week, I hadto go to a conference, or I was
invited to go to a conferencedown in Birmingham and give this
(14:23):
speech actually to a group oftech people and some amazing
tech organizations and privateequity groups.
I honestly don't know why I wasin the room, except I was able
to deliver this same message,which deeply impacted many of
the people that were at thatconference.
But even when I got home, whenI walked in that back door or
(14:44):
our back door and I saw my son,he was sitting on the couch.
When he saw me come in, he hepiped up and he kind of ran over
, not completely to me but towhere he could see me better,
and he paused.
My son for many of you who don'tknow, both of my children are
siblings and they are adoptedfrom India, but they are.
(15:05):
They are biological siblings.
For the first two years of myson's life he wasn't held.
He was in an orphanage and theydidn't want him to attach too
much to any of the workers atthe orphanage and so he was held
some, but he wasn't really held.
I remember the first videos andpictures that we got of him
when he was held some, but hewasn't really held.
I remember the first videos andpictures that we got of him
when he was about a year and ahalf old.
(15:28):
He was just sitting on thefloor alone, glazed look in his
eyes, not really involved, withthe world around him, not
smiling.
It's heartbreaking to thinkabout but because he was not
(15:50):
having his needs met by a mom ora caregiver or anyone when he
got home from India.
I had to be both Rob and I hadto be so intentional with
building that attachment withhim, and it could only be done
by me being there for him.
It was a little bit differentwith my daughter, eliana.
(16:11):
She was much quicker to attachto me, especially than than
Arrow was, and so I had to takethe Cheerios when I would feed
him and hold them in front of myeyes just so that he would
glance into my eyes for a second, so that he could begin to see
I'm meeting his needs, I'mgiving him food, I'm giving him
(16:34):
what he needs to survive.
I'm here, I'm here, I'm here,and I did that, meal after meal,
day after day, week after week.
I promise I fed him more thanCheerios, but that is what I did
in order to build his trustthat I was going to be there for
him.
And slowly he would hold eyecontact with me.
(16:56):
Before that he wouldn't evenlook me in the eye, which is a
sign of complete disattachment,but slowly he started looking me
in the eye.
Then he began to mimic myfacial expressions.
Then he began to feelcomfortable touching me and not
pushing me away.
We slowly built attachment, butit took time, it took
intentionality, it took me beingthere.
(17:18):
And here we are, three yearslater, and there's still a look
in his eye.
There's still a look in his eyeafter I've been gone for a
couple of days on a work trip.
And I see it.
I see the look in his eye thatsays why weren't you here for me
(17:46):
?
And it makes me emotional toeven think about, because even
I'm trying to balance this.
So the irony is not lost on methat I am giving a podcast,
giving speeches about theimportance of being there, while
I also am figuring out how tobe there.
(18:09):
After those couple of secondswhere Arrow was giving me that
look with his eye of why weren'tyou here?
Where have you been?
I just stood there, stayedthere, looking at him, smiling,
and after that couple of secondshe ran up to me, gave me this
(18:30):
huge hug and the rest of thenight was great.
So now that I'm home, it's evenmore important for me to double
down and be there for him forthe next couple of days.
I know that.
I know that because of pastexperience and I know that I
know that because of pastexperience and I know that
because I know it's what heneeds.
And this is the tension asparents, this is the tension as
(18:52):
spouses that we have things thatwe want to do, that we love to
do.
Maybe you are a working person,you have a career, you have
something you love to do, maybeyou are a stay at home parent,
but there's still things thatyou love to do, there's still
time that you need for yourself.
And we as parents, we asspouses, we are constantly
(19:13):
caught in this tension.
The question is what is mostimportant to you?
You may be thinking it's toolate, my kids are too old, my
marriage is too far gone.
My encouragement to you todayis that it's never too late to
(19:33):
give your children a happychildhood and it's never too
late to give your spouse andyourself a happy marriage.
I'm so blessed that my dad knewthe importance of being there.
He knew that strong familiesstarted with strong marriages
(19:55):
and strong marriages startedwith present people.
But even for those of you whomay be divorced and you are
parenting solo, you still havethis same encouragement for you
that strong families, strongattachment, starts with being
there.
And yes, it's a balance.
(20:15):
You can't and I don't know thatyou should go completely to the
other side, where you're alwaysby your children's side, never
let them go, never let them beaway from you.
But it's this balance a balanceof you're able to go away and
come back and your child or yourspouse because this never stops
being important in our livesunderstands that you will be
(20:39):
there for them when they needyou, that you will be there for
them when they need you.
The goal is you all get to aplace where you're strong and
interdependent Interdependentbeing that you're fine, you're
strong, you're capable to beaway from each other, but you
have a longing and an excitementto be able to come back
(21:00):
together, instead of there beinga void in your life where
you're needing to come backtogether or where you put a wall
up where you don't believe theother person is going to be
there for you.
But that's what all of thisboils down to Showing the other
person through your words andyour actions.
More importantly, your actions,words and your actions.
(21:23):
More importantly, your actionsthat you will be there for them
physically, to hold them, totouch them.
Intellectually, to talk withthem, to have conversations when
they need to talk about thingsemotionally, to be there in the
good days to celebrate and onthe bad days to support them and
spiritually to teach them andlive out your beliefs and values
in front of them so that theyknow how to live in this world.
(21:46):
You use the pies to be therefor the people in your life.
It's important for yourchildren.
It's important for yourrelationships, your marriage.
It's important for you, foryour relationships, your
marriage, it's important for you.
(22:08):
So my question to you is whatabout you when the decision
comes and it will come what willyou choose?
Growing up I saw both sides of success, the good and
the bad.
You see, growing up I was neverreally in want for much of
anything.
My dad was a very successfulspeaker.
He was traveling all over theworld doing corporate sales
training, but also he was verysuccessful and well-known in the
(00:20):
church world as well and hewould go and he would do great
things.
He one year even worked with asmall division of Sears in their
sales training and he helpedthat division triple their sales
in one quarter, which wasfantastic.
I can only imagine if all ofSears had decided to work with
(00:41):
him then maybe they wouldn't bebankrupt today.
But he was good at what he didand when he would speak at
churches it moved people andencouraged them and influenced
them to change their life and todo better things.
And if any of the listenersknow my dad, dr Joe Beam, then
you know that he has a gift forspeaking and I admired my dad
(01:05):
for it All of my years growingup.
I really, really did, andbecause of his success I had
everything I could have everwanted, except for the credit
card that I started asking forat five years old, which I never
did get.
I had everything I could want,except for one thing.
(01:26):
It was at the height of my dad'sspeaking career that year.
He was traveling about 40 weeksof the year that is how busy he
was and I really spent most ofmy time with my dad when my mom
and I were either driving him tothe airport or picking him up
when he got home from some kindof speaking engagement that he
went to do.
(01:46):
And it was in that time, atthat year, that and even
probably the year that he maybeeven made the most money of his
life that one day he was gearingup to leave again for another
trip, I didn't know where, Ididn't know to who.
All I knew is that he was aboutto go and there were some
(02:09):
things that he forgot that hehad to go pack for his trip and
I needed to go to Walmart topick some things up.
And so I went with him, eagerto spend some time with him
before he flew out.
And as we were coming back fromWalmart late at night I was
about eight years old I lookedover at him and I said Dad, I
know why you love to travel somuch.
(02:30):
In later years we would talkabout this and he would recount
to me that his heart swelledwith pride as he was eager to
hear how, I would hopefully say,because of all the good he was
doing or because of all thelives that he was changing.
But his heart broke when,instead, my response was it's
(02:52):
because you don't want to spendtime with me.
My dad had a decision to make inthat moment.
Was he going to spend the restof my time living at home the
next 10 years, continuing thishigh-paced lifestyle and chasing
success?
Or was he going to admit thatperhaps, by doing what he loved,
(03:15):
he was sacrificing being withwho he loved?
Success success it's such astrange word because when you
actually look at the dictionarydefinition of it, it has nothing
to do with money, but it islaced with undertones of million
dollar mansions, sleek and sexycars and extraordinary
(03:41):
experiences, extravagantindulgences.
Surely success is somehow tiedto a paycheck or a promotion or
a title, because that's what somany people are chasing, and
it's not that any of thosethings are bad.
I think it is a great ambitionto want to provide nice things
(04:03):
and a great life for your familyand to want to be generous to
those around you.
I think it is honorable to wantto leave a legacy for your
future generations to come.
But my question to you today isat what cost?
It was, at the same time that Iwas asking my dad the question
(04:27):
of why he loved to travel somuch and would he consider being
home with me that there was avery successful realtor in the
state that I grew up in inGeorgia.
He was the top realtor in theentire state, so you can imagine
how much money he was making.
And he was speaking at aconvention, at a sales
conference, and he got up onstage and he said to the people
(04:48):
you know, sometimes my kidscomplain because I'm not there
for them.
They whine, they talk about it.
And so what I decided to do wasI put them in the car and I
drove them over to the projectsand we just spent some time
watching the people who livedthere, where they lived, what
(05:12):
they wore, what kind of car theydrove.
And so I turned to my kids andI said I could stop working and
we could live here, or I cankeep working and you can keep
your private schools and yournice cars and your spending
allowance.
Which one would you choose?
(05:33):
They were teenagers.
What were they supposed to say?
And, even worse, what were thevalues that he was teaching them
in that moment?
So they responded you work,keep working.
(05:58):
There's ample research out therethat talks about how, based on
a parent's interaction withtheir child, it will affect that
child's future for the rest oftheir life.
It's called attachment theory.
Many of you may have heard ofit I'm sure many of you have,
knowing the audacity of mylisteners to know about
relationship theories andrelationship psychology.
But in attachment theory itreally boils down to based on
(06:20):
the consistency and the qualityof a parent's interaction with
their child.
One out of four outcomes thatare kind of on a spectrum will
be the outcome.
Either a child will be anxiouswhen a parent is inconsistent in
their giving of what the childneeds, or if a parent is
(06:42):
completely disengaged and notgiving of what the child needs,
or if a parent is completelydisengaged and not giving of
what a child needs, then thatchild could end up being more on
the avoidant or anywhere inbetween on the spectrum of
anxious and avoidant.
But there's only one outcomethat you want for your child and
it's that secure attachment.
(07:02):
And if you boil all of theresearch down, secure attachment
really boils down to one thingit's a child believing that my
mom or my dad is going to bethere for me when I need them.
It's all about being there andnot just being there, in
(07:26):
sometimes not just being thereand in wanting to have quality
time with the short amount oftime that you're there, but it's
about the quantity time.
My dad actually was involved ina longitudinal research study
of what makes strong families atthe date that it was done it's
a book called Fantastic Familiesand at that date it was done I
believe it was the longestlongitudinal research study that
(07:49):
had been conducted on familiesReally fascinating, and what
they found was there's sevencharacteristics of strong
families.
One of those is not qualitytime.
It's not about taking one nighta week or one day a month or
heavens forbid one week a year.
It's not about only taking ashort time and trying to make
(08:11):
the most of it by filling itwith activities and hugs and all
the things you can do in theshort time.
No, it's not quality time, itis quantity time.
Quantity time according to theresearch, the more time that
you're with your family, thestronger your family will be,
(08:34):
and we see the same thing withattachment theory at the
workshops that we do at marriagehelper.
I can tell you story after storyof when people share at those
workshops about their experiencefrom their childhood, how that
(08:55):
experience has absolutelyimpacted and affected the
relationship that they're intoday.
Many of you probably feel this.
Maybe you already know you're abit more anxious or a bit more
avoidant, and it's based on anexperience you had either with
your parents in childhood.
But attachment theory can alsobe based off of a serious
(09:16):
romantic relationship.
It could be a first seriousromantic relationship or it
could be a recent seriousromantic relationship that has
led you to feel abandoned orinconsistently having needs met,
all of those things.
But it all boils down to thisyou build attachment, you build
strong relationships, you buildstrong families by being there.
(09:41):
There is no replacement for it.
You could give your family allof the things, but what your
family wants is you.
What I wanted was my dad, and Ithank God that he chose his
(10:05):
family.
What did he do?
He did not move us all to afarmstead to live off the land
in the countryside.
Thank Jesus.
We would all be dead, Iguarantee it To this day.
My family would considerroughing it to be a slow door
dash delivery.
But he did make some majorchanges.
(10:25):
He actually went from being inthat corporate world, that
high-paced lifestyle, to movingour family from Augusta, georgia
, up to Nashville, tennessee, sohe would have more local
opportunities.
When he would travel he wouldtake me and my family with him.
Me and my mom, my two oldersisters would go Sometimes.
(10:47):
My middle sister was in collegeso she didn't go all of the
time.
When he would travel.
She went some, and then myoldest sister is mentally
handicapped so she would go onsome of the trips but other
times she would stay with mygrandparents.
But overall we began to make ita family experience when he
would go speak every year in NewMexico or every year in
(11:08):
Colorado or out at PepperdineUniversity every year.
It was something that it becamea ritual of my family that we
would all just go with him andthat made so many memories To
this day.
I love travel because of thetravel experiences I got to have
(11:28):
with my dad and with my mom.
I so appreciate what he did andwhat he gave up.
But it wasn't always easy.
In fact, after we made the moveto Nashville and my dad even
further, well before we evenmade the move to Nashville, he
decided to leave the corporatelife and start an organization
(11:49):
called Marriage Helper.
That wasn't its name at thevery beginning, but that's what
it is now, because he and my momwanted to do something that
would have more impact in theworld, and also something that
would have more impact with hisfamily, with us, would allow him
to be with us more.
(12:10):
And so that's what he did.
He was starting to feelunfulfilled anyway with the
corporate world, even though itprovided a lot of money, did not
provide a lot of purpose, andso he switched.
He built this amazingorganization that I am blessed
today to be the CEO of, but itwasn't without its difficulties.
(12:33):
In fact, even a couple of yearsafter he originally started
Marriage Helper, he went frommaking the most money he had
ever made in his life to livingbelow the poverty line.
My parents could have qualifiedfor welfare, they could have
qualified for food stamps inthat time because they gave it
(12:54):
all up to start Marriage Helperand it was hard for several,
several years for them.
So, yes, there were times in mylife where, honestly, I was a
spoiled brat.
I had everything I could haveever wanted, and then there were
times in my life when I was theone helping support my family
(13:18):
because I was old enough at thattime to work.
I was paying for all of my ownthings, but I was more than
happy to do that because my dadwas there.
My mom was there.
I had a strong family and I amso thankful that, even though my
dad gave up some of thatfinancial success and there's no
(13:41):
way I will ever get a $10million inheritance, but I don't
care $10 million inheritance,but I don't care Would the
wealth be nice?
I guess so, but nothing couldever replace the relationship I
have with my family.
And I'm reminded.
Even now, as I'm in my thirtiesand I'm as the CEO of this
(14:02):
company and I'm doing all ofthese things, I'm constantly
having to ask myself but am Iputting my first priority first?
Even just this past week, I hadto go to a conference, or I was
invited to go to a conferencedown in Birmingham and give this
(14:23):
speech actually to a group oftech people and some amazing
tech organizations and privateequity groups.
I honestly don't know why I wasin the room, except I was able
to deliver this same message,which deeply impacted many of
the people that were at thatconference.
But even when I got home, whenI walked in that back door or
(14:44):
our back door and I saw my son,he was sitting on the couch.
When he saw me come in, he hepiped up and he kind of ran over
, not completely to me but towhere he could see me better,
and he paused.
My son for many of you who don'tknow, both of my children are
siblings and they are adoptedfrom India, but they are.
(15:05):
They are biological siblings.
For the first two years of myson's life he wasn't held.
He was in an orphanage and theydidn't want him to attach too
much to any of the workers atthe orphanage and so he was held
some, but he wasn't really held.
I remember the first videos andpictures that we got of him
when he was held some, but hewasn't really held.
I remember the first videos andpictures that we got of him
when he was about a year and ahalf old.
(15:28):
He was just sitting on thefloor alone, glazed look in his
eyes, not really involved, withthe world around him, not
smiling.
It's heartbreaking to thinkabout but because he was not
(15:50):
having his needs met by a mom ora caregiver or anyone when he
got home from India.
I had to be both Rob and I hadto be so intentional with
building that attachment withhim, and it could only be done
by me being there for him.
It was a little bit differentwith my daughter, eliana.
(16:11):
She was much quicker to attachto me, especially than than
Arrow was, and so I had to takethe Cheerios when I would feed
him and hold them in front of myeyes just so that he would
glance into my eyes for a second, so that he could begin to see
I'm meeting his needs, I'mgiving him food, I'm giving him
(16:34):
what he needs to survive.
I'm here, I'm here, I'm here,and I did that, meal after meal,
day after day, week after week.
I promise I fed him more thanCheerios, but that is what I did
in order to build his trustthat I was going to be there for
him.
And slowly he would hold eyecontact with me.
(16:56):
Before that he wouldn't evenlook me in the eye, which is a
sign of complete disattachment,but slowly he started looking me
in the eye.
Then he began to mimic myfacial expressions.
Then he began to feelcomfortable touching me and not
pushing me away.
We slowly built attachment, butit took time, it took
intentionality, it took me beingthere.
(17:18):
And here we are, three yearslater, and there's still a look
in his eye.
There's still a look in his eyeafter I've been gone for a
couple of days on a work trip.
And I see it.
I see the look in his eye thatsays why weren't you here for me
(17:46):
?
And it makes me emotional toeven think about, because even
I'm trying to balance this.
So the irony is not lost on methat I am giving a podcast,
giving speeches about theimportance of being there, while
I also am figuring out how tobe there.
(18:09):
After those couple of secondswhere Arrow was giving me that
look with his eye of why weren'tyou here?
Where have you been?
I just stood there, stayedthere, looking at him, smiling,
and after that couple of secondshe ran up to me, gave me this
(18:30):
huge hug and the rest of thenight was great.
So now that I'm home, it's evenmore important for me to double
down and be there for him forthe next couple of days.
I know that.
I know that because of pastexperience and I know that I
know that because of pastexperience and I know that
because I know it's what heneeds.
And this is the tension asparents, this is the tension as
(18:52):
spouses that we have things thatwe want to do, that we love to
do.
Maybe you are a working person,you have a career, you have
something you love to do, maybeyou are a stay at home parent,
but there's still things thatyou love to do, there's still
time that you need for yourself.
And we as parents, we asspouses, we are constantly
(19:13):
caught in this tension.
The question is what is mostimportant to you?
You may be thinking it's toolate, my kids are too old, my
marriage is too far gone.
My encouragement to you todayis that it's never too late to
(19:33):
give your children a happychildhood and it's never too
late to give your spouse andyourself a happy marriage.
I'm so blessed that my dad knewthe importance of being there.
He knew that strong familiesstarted with strong marriages
(19:55):
and strong marriages startedwith present people.
But even for those of you whomay be divorced and you are
parenting solo, you still havethis same encouragement for you
that strong families, strongattachment, starts with being
there.
And yes, it's a balance.
(20:15):
You can't and I don't know thatyou should go completely to the
other side, where you're alwaysby your children's side, never
let them go, never let them beaway from you.
But it's this balance a balanceof you're able to go away and
come back and your child or yourspouse because this never stops
being important in our livesunderstands that you will be
(20:39):
there for them when they needyou, that you will be there for
them when they need you.
The goal is you all get to aplace where you're strong and
interdependent Interdependentbeing that you're fine, you're
strong, you're capable to beaway from each other, but you
have a longing and an excitementto be able to come back
(21:00):
together, instead of there beinga void in your life where
you're needing to come backtogether or where you put a wall
up where you don't believe theother person is going to be
there for you.
But that's what all of thisboils down to Showing the other
person through your words andyour actions.
More importantly, your actions,words and your actions.
(21:23):
More importantly, your actionsthat you will be there for them
physically, to hold them, totouch them.
Intellectually, to talk withthem, to have conversations when
they need to talk about thingsemotionally, to be there in the
good days to celebrate and onthe bad days to support them and
spiritually to teach them andlive out your beliefs and values
in front of them so that theyknow how to live in this world.
(21:46):
You use the pies to be therefor the people in your life.
It's important for yourchildren.
It's important for yourrelationships, your marriage.
It's important for you, foryour relationships, your
marriage, it's important for you.
(22:08):
So my question to you is whatabout you when the decision
comes and it will come what willyou choose?
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