Not Settling

Lately we’ve found ourselves in some less than desirable situations and, after some self-reflection, we realized we have not been applying our own standards - even compromising some of our dealbreakers - because we wanted to “be open.” We opened ourselves up for sure, but the only thing that really got us was hurt.  So today we’re dropping some gems about not settling!

Settling is compromising on what you want, need, and desire in your life.  It's vital that you’re clear and solid in what your dealbreakers and standards are.  Upholding them should help you not settle although we know that can be challenging especially when chemistry is involved.  We talk about how we justify softening our boundaries and standards and why we do it.  And we also discuss settling for what the other person is willing to give (think situationship, FWB, hooking up) while hoping for more.  Reminder: when you do that, you’re also accepting less than what you want and ultimately de-valuing yourself.  You’re effectively saying, “I don’t deserve what I want and desire.”  Ouch.  

We get into what being open means, getting super clear on what you actually want, and upholding your boundaries.  If the evidence points to no, then why continue giving so many chances and trying to move forward?

We have an interesting conversation about compromise- how it goes both ways, what it means to truly compromise and what that conversation looks like.  It’s not about changing who you are, it’s about coming to an understanding on both sides.  When you don’t do this it most likely will lead to resentment which builds into contempt and that is not a good place to be. 

The biggest gem- saying no faster to people who aren’t a fit for you!  It’s so important to stay in your own integrity rather than holding on to someone who doesn’t meet your standards or respect your boundaries.  And this is not about throwing someone away for the next best thing.  This is about making a healthy assessment of your situation and what’s best for you.  If someone likes you and wants to be with you then they’ll make reasonable concessions.  Period!

 
The goodies:

Managing Conflict: Solvable vs. Perpetual Problems

https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-conflict-solvable-vs-perpetual-problems/

The Four Horsemen: Contempt

https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-contempt/

Shannon’s Dating & Relationship Coaching https://www.instagram.com/sagecoachingandhealing/ 

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