August 19, 2024 • 43 mins
Selena talks about losing both her security and son, how the power of her spirit is more than one shade of celestial hue, and what it means to be a recovering addict.
Music by Guilherme Silva (On Fiverr: https://www.fiverr.com/guimoraes)
Official Intro by Suzana J (Her website: https://www.suzanasvoice.com/)
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
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Before we start this podcast, I want to say that every project I have pretty much has
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a village behind it, and this one is no exception.
I want to thank the patrons who stepped in on my Kickstarter to really make sure that
this got off the ground.
Denise Grady, Caden White-Wattam, Amanda Peake, Todd A. Davis, Jay Grant, and Corey Watson.
Without you guys, I wouldn't be sitting here talking with the awesome guest that I'm
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about to talk to.
Thank you so much.
What's your book about?
You said it's poetry.
It's a time capsule, and it's basically all of my poetry from ages 16 and 19 that my
dad pushed me to basically self-publish on Lulu.
And as I've gotten older, I ordered a copy for myself, and I'm rereading it.
I'm like, oh my God, this really is a time capsule.
I was giving myself advice, essentially, but it's a whole rabbit hole.
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I won't go into it too much.
Welcome to It's Your Lost podcast, where raw stories of resilience and healing are told,
all while uncovering and destigmatizing the diverse symptoms of loss.
Welcome back to the podcast.
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If you missed last month's episode, well, it's your loss.
I'm your host, Michael LeBlanc, and I am here with Celine Wolf, who I'd like to say I know
this person very well, but they saw what I was doing on Facebook and decided that they
had to get a part of this.
Celine, how are you doing today?
I am doing really well.
I'm actually just really honored and blessed to be here and be able to appear on my first
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ever podcast.
And I'm hoping to be able to expand my talents and gifts and just kind of grow alongside
others of like minds.
The best way to do it is to just get invited or to find somebody and just kind of like
vibe with them.
That's how I got started on my first podcast appearance with this really chill dude named
Steven Rhodes.
(01:56):
The Doll?
No, no, no, no.
That's Steven Seagal.
Nobody, nobody famous, famous.
Steven Rhodes, he's got a wonderful podcast that I'm going to actually be interviewing
him tomorrow.
I don't know when his is going to come out, but it was, it was such a ramshackle thing.
There was no ads.
It was just a conversation.
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There was no real subject except for we were both on TikTok at the time and we were just
trying to connect, you know, talk about the experience.
And then from there, I've been on a Star Trek podcast.
I was on this one podcast that mostly brings people who are feminists and against the patriarchy.
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And I had no idea what I was going to talk about because I was like, if you go a bunch
of ways, like I'm not, I am very, I'm actually relatively a pretty neutral guy, but as much
as fighting for, you know, the rights of humanity on all different, you know, subjects and platforms.
And so, I don't know, we just had a really good conversation.
So yeah, I'm hoping, you know, you get comfortable, if you're comfortable with this, you know,
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if there's ever anything else that you want to come back on and you're like, Hey, I don't
feel like I talked enough about the deep dark things that have happened to me in my life.
I need to talk to you more.
If you feel that way, it's a trilogy.
It's a trilogy.
That's what I mean.
It's going to be a book.
It's going to be a lot of things right now.
I'm just trying to get to college.
That's like all the full sales and might have to push it back, but I'm going to get there.
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Promise.
Well, I like the optimism that we're starting off here.
That's nice.
So, let's just completely destroy that.
And let me ask you, Celine, what have you lost?
My will to live, my self-respect, my family, my car, my job, my self-esteem.
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I went, haven't I lost?
I took an ID, constructed my life to the very words and the very bare essentials.
I was never homeless, and yet last year I went on the spirit journey, very depths of
my darkness to find what was left after I lost it all.
And at the end of it all, I found God.
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And I did not expect to come full circle to be like, man, I'm a hippie Christian, but
maybe there are aspects of me.
There's three aspects, but maybe that aspect is what saved me more than anything else.
Wow.
Okay.
That's a great sentence to start with.
I mean, it's multi-layered, obviously.
Okay.
So, one of the things that I'll just read a little quick snippet of what you shared with
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me, and it's got pieces and parts of what you were saying, you know, family members,
and uncle, grandpa, jobs.
It says in here that you were lost in addiction, and it says spiritually, which it sounds like
that you lost something and then you came back to it in the vacuum that you were like
creating for yourself.
(04:49):
Is that what I'm hearing?
Yeah.
Okay.
All right, we'll share this.
It's the essence of being the number 333.
My mom, I'm a proud Christian on, I guess, my right side.
My father, he's an old goat, and I won't go into detail right now, but I was with the
duality of Christianity.
You're supposed to honor both sides, and it was like I was being ripped in half, and
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I could never choose a path fully.
I had to forge my own, which is what I've done.
Okay.
That's great.
So, let's figure it out.
Let's hear about that story.
So, let's, out of the things that we've mentioned, we've got the family members, the job, you
said yourself respect.
Where do you feel like your first big loss was that started you on the road of where
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you thought you needed to start reconstruction?
The night that I, after 15 years, went out to a bar to go meet up with my high school
sweetheart, and he's making $100,000 a year, he shows up in a denulment, he's lost about
75 pounds.
I'm the biggest I've ever been.
My son's on disability, and I'm working at McDonald's at the time with purple hair,
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and he pursues to make fun of me for my backpack curse.
We have two drinks, and he's like, well, I'm going to dip out, and I'm like, yeah, I
hate myself.
That realization alone is what led me that night to my first relapse after 15 years on
my DOC.
Okay.
So, a lot of people go to self-medication and drugs when it comes to dealing with sudden
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changes in life, loss, especially if they've, it's kind of like the thing where they say
that if you have a weak spot and a balloon, and you squeeze on the balloon, it's going
to be the weak spot that always pops out first.
It's kind of the same thing.
Like if you've done that before, if you've leaned on that as a crush before, it's really
easy to go back.
What were you feeling around that time?
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Like, you know, because obviously the five stages exist in pretty much all sorts of loss.
It just varies depending on how deep you are in before the thing got lost.
So, denial, all that.
Yeah.
So, which one do you think was hitting you the hardest that made you relapse?
I was in denial to the very fact that my entire life was of my creation.
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Everything that I tolerated and put up with, it was all my doing, and I did not want to
face that.
So, I thought, hey, I want to go have as much fun as I can tonight at the expense of basically
everybody around me.
That was when I started to embrace the left-hand side of myself fully and downhill.
But very quickly, it was a, it was a not a slow-moving trainwreck.
I'll put it that way.
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Right.
There's something you said there.
I'm curious about that because I don't know exactly what kind of philosophy that is, or
maybe I do.
I just don't know the actual term of it.
You said the left-hand side of you.
I have a lot of practice and experience.
I was kind of brought in her editorially.
My dad kind of came out of the proverbial broom closet whenever I was about 15.
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And I studied many paths.
I practiced many paths and I kind of became well-rounded.
And left-hand approach would be more self-serving.
I don't know if you can imagine the Tree of Life at the Kebala.
There's also a right-hand side, which would be more Christianity terms like mercy, stuff
like that.
And I kind of strive for what I call the Israel-Ribardy Middle-Pollock and very passionate
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about my beliefs and what I call a subjective synthesis that I form.
And it's kind of, I put it into practice, all sides, to fully know thyself.
And that's the three aspects.
Okay.
All right.
So, it sounds like you're very much aware of balance, which is, which is ideal, especially
if you want to keep mindfulness.
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So I am not the world's best practicing Buddhist, but that's what I consider myself as.
I started off in Christianity while I was in the military.
Became very aware that my beliefs were bringing me anxiety day to day.
Maybe it just hadn't been explained to me right or just wasn't fitting me anymore because
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everybody changes.
But I eventually came to feel that, you know, Buddhism was the thing that made me feel at
peace with this world and I feel like it started like making me kind of a better person and
leaning less on sarcasm and tearing everybody down, which, which is huge.
So was your relapse after, you know, you just kind of looked at your, your boyfriend and
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went to a bigger picture.
September 4th, 2012, I almost died.
Aggravated assault, deadly weapon, knife to my throat.
I was in a six month living in a situation with my son, which ended in the cops kicking
in the door and me in a fetal position.
And they gave me a 10 month CPS case for it happening in front of my son.
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So not only did I almost lose my life, but then I got, in my opinion, punished for it
for 10 months because they thought I'd go back to that.
Because apparently a lot of people do.
And I was like, wow, no, like when you almost die, like I promise you, I'm not going back
to that.
I showed this man mercy and I didn't want to testify.
I told the assistant DA that as long as he's on his medications, I'm not worried and they
can reduce charges and release him.
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After 90 days, he got reduced from a felony and released and he proceeded to stop me for
two years.
And then about four years after that, I'm working at mental health hospital.
I'm working at group homes to help my son because he's also on disability.
And then I come home one day and my stepdad says, I'm going to talk to you.
Same house I'm in right now.
Step into the laundry room and my son proceeds to tell me that he was molested by the same
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man that I showed Marcy to that stopped me.
And so I hold it all in for as long as I can and I'm just continuing to like a mental
health technician for others while containing this very dark thing that's killing me.
And the longer I hold on to it, the resentment and the rage, you can suppress it, but it's
going to come out one way or another.
So after sitting on that, of course, I did all the things that reported it to the all
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the authorities that were needed to them.
They said at the time there was a statute of limitations.
Because since it was not told to me until after that statute, it was however I wanted
to proceed.
So I carried my son through over seven mental health hospital stays of his own.
I took him to therapy.
I went to therapy.
I tried medications for three years.
I also had to carry him to probation.
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I had to take him to and from because he did assault and violence to my mom, like holes
in the wall, classic Kyle.
And I get it.
I carried him to the best of my ability till he had about 15, got him through that probation.
I helped him, I took him to the summer school so he could graduate and he could go to ninth
grade, which is where he's at now.
And then I stuffed away.
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I did construct.
My mom had him.
I signed over, he gets SSI.
I willingly signed over the payee rights because I knew that I wasn't doing the right things
and I knew that I had to deal with and I didn't know how to, but I had to deal with what I
had suppressed for so long.
Right.
So that's where I was at.
Okay.
I don't know if that answers the question right.
No, that actually goes down just a different road, general.
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And that's perfectly fine.
For somebody who, you know, came off the bat and mentioned so much, we could sit here and
talk about everything that you've ever lost.
But I mean, it sounds like it was that this right here is, is the story.
To keep the conversation, you know, rolling like maybe like right after the ad read or
something, which the ad read is me talking about my own book.
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But you know, one day, maybe there will be a book.
I have a book, I have a poetry book.
I'm self published.
I am also self published.
My book is called Dink, D&D in the Coffin Hold of the USS Enterprise.
It's available on my link tree, which I need to get your link tree before we leave.
That's right.
I wrote a book, Dink, spelled D-I-N-Q, D&D in the Coffin Hold of the USS Enterprise.
(12:30):
And it's available on Amazon as either a paperback or on Kindle.
It's a little bit of fantasy, a whole lot of memoir, and it serves as a stark examination
on how being a nerd can save your sanity.
Check it out.
Leave me a review.
So you said you enjoyed to play Paladins, right?
Yes.
And I found this on paladins.com.
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I don't know if you've seen this or not.
Perhaps maybe you have.
This website uses cookies.
That's good to know.
All right.
So how deep are you into the Paladins mythos?
Like do you know the story?
I mean, Atlas, and I think Atlas was that shooter guy.
Yeah, I know a lot about it.
Drop names, I'll link them.
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Promise you.
Okay.
I really like stills.
Yeah.
Well, good, because I only just started looking into it because I kind of want to know what
my guest's interests are.
And I saw that this came before Overwatch.
This came before Overwatch.
Yeah, this came up before Overwatch.
Still carries a lot of serious Overwatch vibes, but adds a lot more characters.
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I enjoy it more than Overwatch.
It was good.
I see that way.
Okay.
Well, because there are so many characters, Paladins thought that this would be important
to have a quiz to find out who you were going to be bringing with you into every fight.
Who's going to be your love, your romance.
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And I figure since we're almost towards Valentine's Day, which will not be the time that this
gets released, but still, you know, we could find that out, you know, for...
That's awesome.
Yeah, for you, for me, for the audience.
So when opening a fresh game of Paladins, what class are you playing at?
Usually healer.
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Usually what?
A healer.
I go for healer first, but I wait for everybody else to choose.
So read them to me.
So well, that would make, I would put as support because I would do anything to save someone
I care about.
There you go.
Perfect.
All right.
What kind of hobbies do you enjoy?
Darkness and destruction, shooting range, meditation, studying the depths of space and time, or
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skateboarding and snowboarding.
Definitely studying the depths of space and time.
As one does.
If your Valentine could paint you a picture, what would it be of?
Something with fire to send chills to my heart, something cute but fierce.
They recreate the starry night by van Gogh, something dark and filled with pain, something
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explosive, or they recreate the persistence of memory by Salvador Dali.
Oh, definitely Dali.
I was kind of with a Wally and Dali.
I'm all about that.
Obviously.
And Dali's a trip, whether it's video or painting, right?
What books of these would you read?
Good Omens, A Song of Fire and Ice, The Jungle Book, A Wrinkle in Time, The Stars, My Destination,
(15:27):
The Art of War, Good Night Moon, and I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream.
These are really good choices.
I'm torn between A Song of Fire and Ice.
It actually reminds me of Nora Roberts, or A Wrinkle in Time, or The Art of War.
So I'm going to go Sun-Zoo, The Art of War, because I'm really about the philosophy.
I like that.
Okay.
Where would you take your Valentine on your first date?
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The Zoo.
I love animals.
I'm going to go laser tag into the darkness and chaos.
It's quite lovely this time of year.
The Planetarium.
I'd have to check to see if I have time before committing to a date.
The Medieval Fair and Love, Love, Love, Love.
I don't know what that last one means.
Okay, so again, porn.
I've done laser tag as the first date before.
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Super fun.
Or darkness of chaos.
I am infinite chaos, depending on the day.
And then I've been to Scarborough Fair in Texas.
So I'm going to go, I'm going to switch it up, and I'm going to say the Medieval Fair.
Alright, Medieval Fair.
I have no idea how many questions there are.
I'm going into this blind.
When it comes to deciding where your loyalties lie, who do you side with in the realm?
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The Magistrate is on this side of the coin.
Paladins have the best goals for the realm's future.
Destroy it all.
Or I only align with those who follow love.
Period.
That last one.
There you go.
You've just come home after a day of battling for the realm.
What do you do to relax?
Lie outside and stay at a star.
Stare up at the stars.
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Relax in the living room with my pets.
Work on improvements to my equipment.
Listen to heavy metal music in my room.
And take a nap and dream about love.
Not in select all.
I know.
I'm going to say living room with my pets.
There you go.
That's pretty good.
I've been doing that a lot here recently.
My cat just got out of surgery and he's just all about like comfort right now.
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So you and your Valentine go out for a drink.
What are you having?
A nice coffee.
A hot one.
Milkshake with a cherry on top.
A unicorn frappuccino.
Wow.
That's branded answer right there.
Water.
It's...
Tiny tea.
Water.
It's for...
For its eternal energy drink or the blood of my enemies.
I don't know.
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The blood of my enemies sounds tasty but I'm going to go with water.
It's eternal.
It is.
It is.
I've got three bottles of it next to me here.
It's also kind of warm up here.
So it's for my health and survival.
Okay.
Here we go.
All right.
Your Valentine is Imani.
While her temperature is something...
She's a good one.
... is subject to change, she's always got your back dragon and all.
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I get behind dragons.
Do you...
Do you ever play as Imani?
Is...
I absolutely love Imani.
I've not mastered her yet.
I think level 30 is like the mastery but she does fire ice and she...
Her special, her ultimate is turning into a dragon and considering I'm near of the dragon,
it's super fitting.
Love it.
That's very fitting.
But there also, I'm a kind of a Pokemon Go nerd that has just recently came back into
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it because I just, I didn't have time before and they have just recently released a Pokemon
called Drampaw which is half dragon, half grandpa and he looks like he's made out of
cotton candy.
It's a good year at the dragon.
There's a lot...
Oh yeah.
A lot going on.
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So I feel like this is the story right here.
I mean, we can talk about all your other different losses like, you know, family and job and
whatnot but it sounds like to me that this is not just, this is one of those losses that
doesn't necessarily come with a physical loss.
This is, this is a loss of self-esteem.
(19:00):
This is a loss of security.
That's what we're talking about.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, which some people believe that emotional loss is something that we can just kind of
bolster up and just get over.
A lot of times they tell people what you were already doing.
Hold it inside.
Deal with it on your own.
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Go in the bathroom and cry.
We don't want to see it.
We don't want to hear it.
And that's some bullshit.
My goodness, Selena.
All right.
So how many jobs had you had gone through?
Last year?
Yeah.
Okay.
So that was the height of my downfall, I guess.
Originally started 2022 March.
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I was working at McDonald's the night that I relapsed.
Went to work the next day like nothing happened.
I was unhappy so I ended up getting, I wanted to switch it up so I went to a gas station
work there for a month.
Hated it.
Absolutely.
It was on the wrong side of town.
It doesn't matter where I live.
You know what the wrong side of town is.
I understand.
And then I tried to go back to healthcare.
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Caregiver.
Did that.
I mean, over seven.
I guess I say seven or eight jobs in the past year and a half.
And it just got to the point where I'm tired of trying.
I'm tired of going through the interview process.
If the company does not align.
And what I was proving the most was that the company, their mission statement should
be what they stand by.
And oftentimes it's not.
Like it doesn't matter where I work.
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But like when they push you to work over 16 hours and you know it's not right, but you
still do it.
You know what I mean?
You're not standing by your mission.
No.
I've been there.
Probably when people start looking at the amount of support that they have in their
business, they start thinking less about the mission statement, thinking about the bottom
lines and that starts hurting the crew and or whoever.
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Yeah.
Um, so out of all of those, just, just wondering, you just carry on the conversation.
What do you think?
What was the one job that you lost or you're like, I did not want to lose that job.
I don't even know if I should touch base on the actual name, but it was called.
I was trying to basically run, run a type of be the assistant.
(21:07):
I worked directly with the CEO.
I worked directly with the lady who ran and set everything up.
I was PRN.
I covered everything.
And from that I went to the opposite because I lost five clients in the matter of two months
to death for old, for elderly.
And I got really sad and I was like, I'm tired of that.
Let's go for something completely different.
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So I went and I worked at an adult bookstore for three weeks and I was going to become
a store manager.
And I was training and learning all that, but if I have an addictive personality, that
might not have been the best choice for me, which I found out quickly, less than a month
before I was asked to quit.
Oh man.
Um, so you're just kind of free falling, free falling, wheeling around, trying to grab
(21:49):
anything you could hold on to.
And people look at, give me the chance, like the fact that I could have ran a whole store
as a store manager, the fact that I could have, it's insane how much potential I have
and how terrible I applied it, you know?
Hey, there's got, there's something to be said for being honest with yourself at least,
you know, just saying, I was like, ah, man, better than that.
(22:11):
The first time, I know this is small cookies in comparison to your whole story, but like
the first time I ever ran into anything like that.
And this is seriously this pales in comparison, but I can't stop myself.
I, uh, failed my first ever class in high school and it was history.
Still hate history.
I, I'm not happy.
I'm upset.
I hate history, but I'm good at it.
(22:33):
Ah, well, you see, I was good at it too.
All I had to do was do the damn homework or actually do the work.
And so I had the same teacher again the next year, made all days and she just looked at
me in disappointment as she handed me my last grade.
She's like, why didn't you just do this the first time?
Mr. Laplac, you're so much better than this.
And she was like one of those like old school teachers, like if she could hit people with
(22:53):
rulers, she would have.
And I was just like, sorry, Dr. Green, but that was my, my first taste of ever realizing
that people actually watch you apply yourself.
You know, sometimes people think that you're not being watched or sometimes the opposite
people think they've been watched.
They people watch you too much.
Um, but paranoia and reality and like, the universe sees it all every, every stage.
(23:21):
Do you think that do you think at a certain point that you were like, you were having
blinders on to everybody else?
Like you were just thinking everybody else is seeing me try my best.
Nobody seeing the, the darker side of what's happening to me right now.
Not necessarily like that.
I think that people were only amplifying the darker aspects, you know, in some ways, in
(23:41):
some form or fashion, saw everything that I was doing, but they were manipulating it
to their own advantage and or what they could get out of it.
Yeah.
And that's kind of the nature of humans, the human condition.
And um, it hurts whenever you're an empath, which is what I kind of declare myself as.
I've reached the point where like I can kind of connect and make people feel things just
(24:02):
by talking to them just by being on the phone or being in video.
And it's really hard, but I've learned how to control that to a point where I've learned
a lot.
It's a lot of shocker work.
I'll just make you that way.
A lot of stuff.
Uh, well, what about support during those times where there was there anybody who was
constantly in your corner this entire time?
The people that actually are destroying your life are actually the ones also saving them
(24:25):
simultaneously.
And when you think that your family, they should have your back, sure they prayed for
you to get up off the streets, but that's the same family member that is now evicting
me, you know what I mean?
Contending me back to the streets that I was saved from.
So it's very ironic that the people that are actually there for me will bring me a pack
of cigarettes.
We'll be like, Hey, hang in there.
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Hey, got this.
Are the very people that I truly learned myself.
Right.
Um, you were telling me a little bit about your current situation before we're going
in here and have to say, you know, you're, you admit the fact that you, you got a problem
with addiction does and get a chance.
(25:06):
Know that I'm asking this after watching my parents do a whole bunch of stuff under their
own addictions.
And so at this point I'm asking out of curiosity because I'm never going to get the chance
to ask my own parents.
Um, how much of a pool.
When things get dark and down, how much of a pool and what does that pool feel like?
Does your addiction give on you in times of strife and stress?
(25:30):
It's like the abyss, doc and the cabalistic terms.
Like fully being aware that I could just literally fall backwards and go and the pull on it.
It's so strong that I have to literally practice grounding myself.
I have to literally stomp my foot on the ground, if they know to myself, like today, for instance,
(25:52):
it was a terrible day and, um, the universe had my back whenever I wasn't strong enough.
So I once again remain sober and clean and I am so much stronger for it.
The fact that I almost let somebody down to that very point where it's like I either feel
morbid or I'm going to do something about it.
And instead I'm here talking to somebody about it and it's like so therapeutic, way better
(26:15):
than getting high, way better than drinking.
And um, it's perfect.
What I'm going through right now sucks.
I don't know how many times I'm going to get a chance to say this.
It seems like it's happened.
This is my fifth podcast I've done so far for this season and um, it seems like this
comes up every time that anxiety and problems, the stuff that you're holding on in the inside
(26:37):
seem and look so much smaller once you finally get them out of your mouth and show them to
people.
You show them this little thing that has been eating you up inside.
And it doesn't necessarily, you know, it doesn't cure you.
God knows.
But sharing that with somebody, it's, it's as effective as therapy depending on how
good your therapist is.
(26:58):
I feel like my, I feel like my therapist is pretty good and she does more than just listen
to me.
But sometimes Jesus, that's all you need.
Well, I'm, I'm glad.
That advice that I got was actually from a cat kicked out of haunting reality shipping.
I paid $50 for this piece of ice, which then he refunded three weeks in.
He said that my critical failure was looking at the world or looking at others as if they
(27:20):
were broken.
My mindset, if I wanted to change my reality, we did the change because it's a reflection
of the self.
If I look at somebody else like they're broken, then obviously there's something wrong with
me for not being able to heal them.
So when I changed that mentality, my whole world, well, I might still be dealing with
problems.
My whole world has changed forever.
That sounds like that would be very much the thing that you would have to keep up, you
(27:41):
know, just through, you know, willpower and probably affirmations.
You seem like somebody who really believes in affirmations, like putting that out there
and living what you're putting out there.
Standing by what I do, even if it's cool.
Well, you know, you did mention earlier that you, you written, you've written a book of
poetry.
(28:02):
I'm sure that that's just a quality like example of the stuff that's in there as well.
I mean, think about it.
Who's a very ubiquitous word?
It could rhyme with a lot of different things.
All right.
So when I was writing these questions, I thought that it was a loss of spirituality that you
would found yourself on an agnostic plane or something different.
(28:23):
But you said it was actually a, it was a circle.
It was maybe, maybe not a perfect circle.
Probably.
Shout out to perfect circle, but.
Yeah.
A little purple circle.
Like it came across my Spotify the other day.
I was like, I totally forgot you existed.
Thank you for coming back.
A month or two ago.
That's.
Yeah.
(28:43):
Maybe maybe they're coming back.
We just don't know it.
So let's talk about spirituality for a second.
Would you call the way that you feel about God and the universe a role in coping or is
it a way of life that has spawned other coping mechanisms?
Tell me about what spirituality means to you.
(29:03):
And now it is transforming into basically a lifestyle.
I, as I stated, I've studied many different world religions and practices starting from,
you know, I was trying to be Buddhist when I was 15.
That was my goal.
That was actually my first time.
It's hard to do as a team.
I joined an open circle because of my dad and he did, I did, I dedicated myself for
a year and a day just studying as above so below principles.
(29:26):
Through that I watched as he giced through that I decided, wow, mind blown.
And then I started studying the hermetic principles, rebellion, red 1984 multiple times, brave new
world.
And I kind of developed my own, my dad played a devil's advocate by the way, because he's
an old goat and he would challenge me and we would have debates.
Not all of them were healthy, but debated because we wanted me to develop a really strong sense
(29:50):
of self and it's kind of Nordic in practice where it's a lifestyle.
Like you say that you better put your, put your money where your mouth is.
And so when I reached the point where I wanted to truly know myself internally in terms of
the darker aspects of shadow work, what I applied was over 17 years of mental preparation.
(30:10):
And so there are many times where I feel like I could have easily not been here today, but
because of my ability to think quick on my feet, I am here today and it's amazing.
And it only strengthens, however weak my application on life itself, it only strengthens my internal
bond with my spiritual side.
I think I'm, I think I'm doing really good.
(30:32):
I think on the right track, it took me doing a year and a day being a part of an open circle.
I was a part of a Coven, Wiccan, Gardenarian or Alexandrian and base.
I was taught by a fourth generation, third degree British traditional witch.
She was our Coven leader.
No doubt it was the high priest.
I lived with the open heart, open circle, high priest and high priestess.
(30:53):
I took care of them.
They were disabled.
I was the maid.
I would set up and break down.
I was a bard.
I could play guitar.
I could jump.
It was one of the best times in my life.
And when I lost that and where I moved now is like a Bible Belt of text, it's West Texas.
I can't apply that now.
That is such Christianity.
Christianity.
That is such a shift.
It's a movie that you would never believe.
(31:15):
It's a love story that might not ever get told of how I found God.
Wow.
That, that is amazing.
I mean, even I'm, I fully believe that what you see in religion in life, especially as
you get older becomes an amalgamation of all different types of things.
(31:35):
Makes the universe make sense to you.
And it's even more special if you realize that there's only a handful of people in the
world that may see it the same way as you do.
But for coming from those different layers, you know, from being the, the maiden, the
bard from being the parts of those circles and then coming back to, you said, Texas,
(31:56):
right?
Coming back to, coming back.
Born in the Middle East.
But yeah.
Okay.
I was, I was born in Oklahoma, but raised in the Carolinas.
But, but then coming back to that, obviously your relationship with, with God can't be
the exact same one as it was.
I mean, you've seen and done too much.
I tried to explore that entire duality.
(32:16):
Like I effectively did.
I watched my old go to the dad.
And you know what I mean?
I cannot, I'm not going to get into that because I don't want to, I don't want to twist it
into something where it's perceived negatively because it's not, it's all a part of truly
understanding that there's one source in my opinion and the religious paths are all branches
to that huge tree.
And however you visualize it is your thought form.
(32:37):
So the way I visualize and connect it to God whenever I found him, it, you know, it was
a Bob Marley one love and it was, it's a joke in my head.
You know, he doesn't look a thing like Jesus because he's Bob Marley dude.
It's hilarious.
I could subscribe to that actually.
I, I could totally see Jesus as a barb Bob Marley.
(32:58):
Eskos, I'll be honest with you.
I was not, even when I was younger, I was never completely down with white, brown hair,
blue eye Jesus.
Like I, I never, it doesn't, I, even when I was younger, I was like, he came, he came
from where and when was this and he was, he looked very Aryan evidently.
I, it didn't ever make sense.
He brown, he brown.
(33:19):
Okay.
Let's just get to brown, whatever he is.
Exactly.
He was not, yeah.
He was not an Adonis.
So, so these moments when, Adonis, that's great.
So many, so many different things come out in these conversations that I have and I will,
I will probably have, hopefully remember Michael, you need to remember this, have Adonis maybe
(33:43):
in the title.
I think that would actually grab some people.
Oh, I was a side joke.
It, for me, it's on a butt.
Don't just cut that part out.
We'll see.
We'll see what comes of it off the cutting room floor.
You're, you're like a DM.
You really are.
You have to be, you have to be.
You have religion.
(34:03):
You see as your, your religion, your experience, what other coping mechanisms do you have other
than, you know, speaking out loud, stomping your foot?
Like what else gets you through the times where everything just seems like it's full
of loss and shit?
Music, my lineage.
(34:24):
I cannot go into detail about this, but in my journey, and I was adopted, it was a closed
case classified and one of my goals was to find out the true lineage.
I'm not at liberty to talk about that just yet, but it's pretty magical and music, drumming
and guitar.
I'm curious.
So can you tell me after we stop recording?
Absolutely.
(34:44):
Fantastic.
It's a working progress.
It's a life's passion.
I will not talk about just yet.
Gotcha.
Gotcha.
Well, I will, I will hold it to myself and no one will ever know unless you give me the
go ahead to, or if you want to maybe do it on a future episode or something.
Music is, is huge for me as well.
And I'm one of those people who call music therapy.
(35:07):
I mean, a lot of people subscribe to that idea.
And I used to call it audio morphine when I was working as a restaurant manager for 14
years.
And they gave me the closing shift most of the time because I had a good eye for detail.
And I was also a department head.
So there was a lot of times where closing also meant handling the inventory.
(35:30):
But I would, I would tell people, it's like, all right, look, if you're going to listen
to your own music, put in earphones or ear, earphones yet.
That's not right.
Headphones.
Yeah.
Headphones at the time, earbuds weren't necessarily all that thing.
Apple pods were iPods, ear pods, whatever they were.
They were, they were a thing.
You can tell I'm not an Apple boy at all.
I'm not either.
(35:51):
Yeah.
Um, but I would take my stereo or Bluetooth speaker or whatever I had at the time and put
it in the office door facing out towards the kitchen and just blast whatever it was.
And the moment that the music started, I felt the anxiety not loosen, you know, just all
the stress and everything out of the day.
(36:12):
And I would go after my parents died, I would seek out the songs that would actively make
me a moat like there are times where I'm going to cry regardless because I'm, I got no problem
crying, but sometimes just, yeah, yeah.
Emotionally constipated, I think I called myself once because I was just like, I feel
it.
(36:32):
It just won't come out.
And then, um, uh, it was, I think a year after my dad passed and, uh, I was listening
to, uh, Blue October, Hate Me.
And yeah.
Yeah.
You know, you know, I could see the look on your face.
And you're face right now.
So I mean, that song, the song, it's, it doesn't even necessarily like accurately reflect the
(36:55):
pain of like my situation is not the same as the songs, but it, my God, the right, yeah,
the raw emotion just takes everything in here.
And then the next thing I know I'm screaming along, there's tears in my eyes.
God, I love, I love that song.
Every time it comes along, I re blog it or repost it wherever I happen to find it.
I'm like, everybody else needs to feel the pain I'm feeling right now.
(37:16):
I mean, I think that's a great story for what I'm hoping to be a first episode with you.
I mean, if you ever want to like talk more about like the times where like, I feel, I
feel like this was just like a 45 minute introduction to something that can just get packed later,
but we'll see.
We'll see.
Um, but there, there's so much I want to ask you, but there's so much time that I don't
(37:37):
have.
Sorry if I've overloaded you.
No, it's okay.
I barely even touched this.
Yeah.
I know, I know.
And, but no, I think this right here is a interesting enough story.
The fact that, you know, you have, you know, there's stories of loss and struggle and then
change.
You're not the first person to have changed their view on, on life in general and move
(38:00):
forward.
That's, that's in a different fashion than what they were.
I've come to see that a couple of times now, which is, I knew going into this podcast that
I was going to find so many different styles of humanity that I had just.
The way I framed it in my head, I think I posted it on my page.
I was like, it's not skid row, but it might've came close.
(38:20):
You know what I mean?
It's kind of like a documentary, but it's not, it's a conversation.
And what I like the most about it is that there's room for growth.
There's room for a continuation, a continuum.
And it doesn't have to be worse, whatever feels natural.
So whatever stopping point you get to is whatever stopping point I take.
Okay.
So my question for you would be, what made you want to create this podcast specifically?
(38:44):
If you care to share.
Yes.
God, I care to share.
It's only fair after asking so many people, so many other questions.
So quick lowdown.
I've told this story before, but not to you.
I lost my mom in 2016.
And from there, I started doing videos after I would take walks, clearing my mind and
just talk to people.
(39:04):
It was called sitting with Michael at the time.
And I went from there and decided to start doing YouTube videos and they were doing okay.
But then I wanted to figure out how I was doing better and somebody said you could do better
doing short form videos.
And I was like, all right, of course, this is around when TikTok was taken off around
2020.
And so I started doing those.
And yeah, it did take off.
(39:25):
I found a better audience that way, took that applied to other places, finally became
sitting with you because you go over my whole platform.
And then yeah, I think it was shortly after my dad died, which has been a couple of years,
two or three years now, I try not to put a noticeable pin on the calendar for that.
The days will come.
I try not to remember how long it was.
(39:46):
And I was talking to a lot of other people who were talking about loss.
And there was a lot of stress that wasn't being handled right.
And it was before I was in therapy that I started talking to other people and starting
hearing all of these different stories.
Because people want to commiserate or the horrible thing is like, I'm so sorry.
(40:09):
And then they just stare at you.
That's the worst.
But I knew that I wanted to do a podcast before then, but it was kind of aimless.
And then the more that I had these conversations, and then it was before I went to therapy,
I can say that, that I was just like, I want to talk to other people about how they're
dealing with it.
Because people kind of get uncomfortable with me when I make dead parent jokes.
(40:32):
But I'm in that club.
My parents die.
Other people are making dead parent jokes and their parents aren't dead.
That means that either A, their relationships are really messed up.
Or B, they just don't get two shits about death.
But for me, it was more along the lines of, it was my coping.
And then I realized that not everybody copes the same way.
And then I really wanted to find out how people are coping.
(40:55):
But coping and grief changes different people in so many different wild permutations.
And I want other people out of there, the more I thought about it, I was like, other
people out there are struggling, being told not to cry, being told to just shovel their
emotions in.
Or they're going through some really weird symptoms that people don't really necessarily
(41:17):
think about due to either self-medication or there was already an imbalance in their
life and the grief is coming out and say, like, I've heard of people just rhythmically
pulling out their hair or I wanted to know those stories.
And I want other people to hear those stories too, because it can't just be about my help,
about helping me if I'm going to.
(41:38):
But it's not about my opinion.
Okay.
I will take that.
I've got my shoes are humongous.
So that makes sense.
And then I got, I found out right before I started recording that, God, what's his name,
Anderson Cooper was doing a podcast about grief.
(41:59):
But his was about learning how to handle all the things that he hasn't handled, like what
grief, what, what, how that actually means and what how that's how that is shaping his
life and how it could be better.
I was like, okay, all right, it's different enough.
I'm not, I'm not stepping into the same places that other people are.
But even if he did, there are so many different stories.
It's a spectrum.
(42:19):
It's definitely a spectrum.
It is.
Um, well, Celine, this has been amazing.
Um, you know, we don't have to, we don't have to like hang up, hang up right now.
Because I've got, I've got a while before I've got to head home and I'd love to just
you know, talk with you in general, but this podcast can't keep running too long.
Again, thank you so much, Celine.
Where do you want people to find you?
(42:40):
Do you want to plug anything that you want to plug?
Um, Celine, Amber, Wolf, Christina, Ashley, Vansby or infinite chaos, depending on who
you get that day.
And you mind if I put your link tree in, in our, okay, I'll get my link tree from you.
It'll be in the description.
And I've been your host, Michael LeBlanc, even if you miss next month's episode, well,
(43:02):
still, it's your loss.
I'll talk to you guys later.
Bye-bye.
Before we start this podcast, I want to say that every project I have pretty much has
(00:04):
a village behind it, and this one is no exception.
I want to thank the patrons who stepped in on my Kickstarter to really make sure that
this got off the ground.
Denise Grady, Caden White-Wattam, Amanda Peake, Todd A. Davis, Jay Grant, and Corey Watson.
Without you guys, I wouldn't be sitting here talking with the awesome guest that I'm
(00:28):
about to talk to.
Thank you so much.
What's your book about?
You said it's poetry.
It's a time capsule, and it's basically all of my poetry from ages 16 and 19 that my
dad pushed me to basically self-publish on Lulu.
And as I've gotten older, I ordered a copy for myself, and I'm rereading it.
I'm like, oh my God, this really is a time capsule.
I was giving myself advice, essentially, but it's a whole rabbit hole.
(00:51):
I won't go into it too much.
Welcome to It's Your Lost podcast, where raw stories of resilience and healing are told,
all while uncovering and destigmatizing the diverse symptoms of loss.
Welcome back to the podcast.
(01:11):
If you missed last month's episode, well, it's your loss.
I'm your host, Michael LeBlanc, and I am here with Celine Wolf, who I'd like to say I know
this person very well, but they saw what I was doing on Facebook and decided that they
had to get a part of this.
Celine, how are you doing today?
I am doing really well.
I'm actually just really honored and blessed to be here and be able to appear on my first
(01:35):
ever podcast.
And I'm hoping to be able to expand my talents and gifts and just kind of grow alongside
others of like minds.
The best way to do it is to just get invited or to find somebody and just kind of like
vibe with them.
That's how I got started on my first podcast appearance with this really chill dude named
Steven Rhodes.
(01:56):
The Doll?
No, no, no, no.
That's Steven Seagal.
Nobody, nobody famous, famous.
Steven Rhodes, he's got a wonderful podcast that I'm going to actually be interviewing
him tomorrow.
I don't know when his is going to come out, but it was, it was such a ramshackle thing.
There was no ads.
It was just a conversation.
(02:16):
There was no real subject except for we were both on TikTok at the time and we were just
trying to connect, you know, talk about the experience.
And then from there, I've been on a Star Trek podcast.
I was on this one podcast that mostly brings people who are feminists and against the patriarchy.
(02:36):
And I had no idea what I was going to talk about because I was like, if you go a bunch
of ways, like I'm not, I am very, I'm actually relatively a pretty neutral guy, but as much
as fighting for, you know, the rights of humanity on all different, you know, subjects and platforms.
And so, I don't know, we just had a really good conversation.
So yeah, I'm hoping, you know, you get comfortable, if you're comfortable with this, you know,
(02:59):
if there's ever anything else that you want to come back on and you're like, Hey, I don't
feel like I talked enough about the deep dark things that have happened to me in my life.
I need to talk to you more.
If you feel that way, it's a trilogy.
It's a trilogy.
That's what I mean.
It's going to be a book.
It's going to be a lot of things right now.
I'm just trying to get to college.
That's like all the full sales and might have to push it back, but I'm going to get there.
(03:21):
Promise.
Well, I like the optimism that we're starting off here.
That's nice.
So, let's just completely destroy that.
And let me ask you, Celine, what have you lost?
My will to live, my self-respect, my family, my car, my job, my self-esteem.
(03:44):
I went, haven't I lost?
I took an ID, constructed my life to the very words and the very bare essentials.
I was never homeless, and yet last year I went on the spirit journey, very depths of
my darkness to find what was left after I lost it all.
And at the end of it all, I found God.
(04:04):
And I did not expect to come full circle to be like, man, I'm a hippie Christian, but
maybe there are aspects of me.
There's three aspects, but maybe that aspect is what saved me more than anything else.
Wow.
Okay.
That's a great sentence to start with.
I mean, it's multi-layered, obviously.
Okay.
So, one of the things that I'll just read a little quick snippet of what you shared with
(04:28):
me, and it's got pieces and parts of what you were saying, you know, family members,
and uncle, grandpa, jobs.
It says in here that you were lost in addiction, and it says spiritually, which it sounds like
that you lost something and then you came back to it in the vacuum that you were like
creating for yourself.
(04:49):
Is that what I'm hearing?
Yeah.
Okay.
All right, we'll share this.
It's the essence of being the number 333.
My mom, I'm a proud Christian on, I guess, my right side.
My father, he's an old goat, and I won't go into detail right now, but I was with the
duality of Christianity.
You're supposed to honor both sides, and it was like I was being ripped in half, and
(05:10):
I could never choose a path fully.
I had to forge my own, which is what I've done.
Okay.
That's great.
So, let's figure it out.
Let's hear about that story.
So, let's, out of the things that we've mentioned, we've got the family members, the job, you
said yourself respect.
Where do you feel like your first big loss was that started you on the road of where
(05:32):
you thought you needed to start reconstruction?
The night that I, after 15 years, went out to a bar to go meet up with my high school
sweetheart, and he's making $100,000 a year, he shows up in a denulment, he's lost about
75 pounds.
I'm the biggest I've ever been.
My son's on disability, and I'm working at McDonald's at the time with purple hair,
(05:54):
and he pursues to make fun of me for my backpack curse.
We have two drinks, and he's like, well, I'm going to dip out, and I'm like, yeah, I
hate myself.
That realization alone is what led me that night to my first relapse after 15 years on
my DOC.
Okay.
So, a lot of people go to self-medication and drugs when it comes to dealing with sudden
(06:15):
changes in life, loss, especially if they've, it's kind of like the thing where they say
that if you have a weak spot and a balloon, and you squeeze on the balloon, it's going
to be the weak spot that always pops out first.
It's kind of the same thing.
Like if you've done that before, if you've leaned on that as a crush before, it's really
easy to go back.
What were you feeling around that time?
(06:36):
Like, you know, because obviously the five stages exist in pretty much all sorts of loss.
It just varies depending on how deep you are in before the thing got lost.
So, denial, all that.
Yeah.
So, which one do you think was hitting you the hardest that made you relapse?
I was in denial to the very fact that my entire life was of my creation.
(07:01):
Everything that I tolerated and put up with, it was all my doing, and I did not want to
face that.
So, I thought, hey, I want to go have as much fun as I can tonight at the expense of basically
everybody around me.
That was when I started to embrace the left-hand side of myself fully and downhill.
But very quickly, it was a, it was a not a slow-moving trainwreck.
I'll put it that way.
(07:22):
Right.
There's something you said there.
I'm curious about that because I don't know exactly what kind of philosophy that is, or
maybe I do.
I just don't know the actual term of it.
You said the left-hand side of you.
I have a lot of practice and experience.
I was kind of brought in her editorially.
My dad kind of came out of the proverbial broom closet whenever I was about 15.
(07:43):
And I studied many paths.
I practiced many paths and I kind of became well-rounded.
And left-hand approach would be more self-serving.
I don't know if you can imagine the Tree of Life at the Kebala.
There's also a right-hand side, which would be more Christianity terms like mercy, stuff
like that.
And I kind of strive for what I call the Israel-Ribardy Middle-Pollock and very passionate
(08:05):
about my beliefs and what I call a subjective synthesis that I form.
And it's kind of, I put it into practice, all sides, to fully know thyself.
And that's the three aspects.
Okay.
All right.
So, it sounds like you're very much aware of balance, which is, which is ideal, especially
if you want to keep mindfulness.
(08:25):
So I am not the world's best practicing Buddhist, but that's what I consider myself as.
I started off in Christianity while I was in the military.
Became very aware that my beliefs were bringing me anxiety day to day.
Maybe it just hadn't been explained to me right or just wasn't fitting me anymore because
(08:45):
everybody changes.
But I eventually came to feel that, you know, Buddhism was the thing that made me feel at
peace with this world and I feel like it started like making me kind of a better person and
leaning less on sarcasm and tearing everybody down, which, which is huge.
So was your relapse after, you know, you just kind of looked at your, your boyfriend and
(09:07):
went to a bigger picture.
September 4th, 2012, I almost died.
Aggravated assault, deadly weapon, knife to my throat.
I was in a six month living in a situation with my son, which ended in the cops kicking
in the door and me in a fetal position.
And they gave me a 10 month CPS case for it happening in front of my son.
(09:28):
So not only did I almost lose my life, but then I got, in my opinion, punished for it
for 10 months because they thought I'd go back to that.
Because apparently a lot of people do.
And I was like, wow, no, like when you almost die, like I promise you, I'm not going back
to that.
I showed this man mercy and I didn't want to testify.
I told the assistant DA that as long as he's on his medications, I'm not worried and they
can reduce charges and release him.
(09:49):
After 90 days, he got reduced from a felony and released and he proceeded to stop me for
two years.
And then about four years after that, I'm working at mental health hospital.
I'm working at group homes to help my son because he's also on disability.
And then I come home one day and my stepdad says, I'm going to talk to you.
Same house I'm in right now.
Step into the laundry room and my son proceeds to tell me that he was molested by the same
(10:12):
man that I showed Marcy to that stopped me.
And so I hold it all in for as long as I can and I'm just continuing to like a mental
health technician for others while containing this very dark thing that's killing me.
And the longer I hold on to it, the resentment and the rage, you can suppress it, but it's
going to come out one way or another.
So after sitting on that, of course, I did all the things that reported it to the all
(10:37):
the authorities that were needed to them.
They said at the time there was a statute of limitations.
Because since it was not told to me until after that statute, it was however I wanted
to proceed.
So I carried my son through over seven mental health hospital stays of his own.
I took him to therapy.
I went to therapy.
I tried medications for three years.
I also had to carry him to probation.
(10:59):
I had to take him to and from because he did assault and violence to my mom, like holes
in the wall, classic Kyle.
And I get it.
I carried him to the best of my ability till he had about 15, got him through that probation.
I helped him, I took him to the summer school so he could graduate and he could go to ninth
grade, which is where he's at now.
And then I stuffed away.
(11:19):
I did construct.
My mom had him.
I signed over, he gets SSI.
I willingly signed over the payee rights because I knew that I wasn't doing the right things
and I knew that I had to deal with and I didn't know how to, but I had to deal with what I
had suppressed for so long.
Right.
So that's where I was at.
Okay.
I don't know if that answers the question right.
No, that actually goes down just a different road, general.
(11:42):
And that's perfectly fine.
For somebody who, you know, came off the bat and mentioned so much, we could sit here and
talk about everything that you've ever lost.
But I mean, it sounds like it was that this right here is, is the story.
To keep the conversation, you know, rolling like maybe like right after the ad read or
something, which the ad read is me talking about my own book.
(12:05):
But you know, one day, maybe there will be a book.
I have a book, I have a poetry book.
I'm self published.
I am also self published.
My book is called Dink, D&D in the Coffin Hold of the USS Enterprise.
It's available on my link tree, which I need to get your link tree before we leave.
That's right.
I wrote a book, Dink, spelled D-I-N-Q, D&D in the Coffin Hold of the USS Enterprise.
(12:30):
And it's available on Amazon as either a paperback or on Kindle.
It's a little bit of fantasy, a whole lot of memoir, and it serves as a stark examination
on how being a nerd can save your sanity.
Check it out.
Leave me a review.
So you said you enjoyed to play Paladins, right?
Yes.
And I found this on paladins.com.
(12:52):
I don't know if you've seen this or not.
Perhaps maybe you have.
This website uses cookies.
That's good to know.
All right.
So how deep are you into the Paladins mythos?
Like do you know the story?
I mean, Atlas, and I think Atlas was that shooter guy.
Yeah, I know a lot about it.
Drop names, I'll link them.
(13:13):
Promise you.
Okay.
I really like stills.
Yeah.
Well, good, because I only just started looking into it because I kind of want to know what
my guest's interests are.
And I saw that this came before Overwatch.
This came before Overwatch.
Yeah, this came up before Overwatch.
Still carries a lot of serious Overwatch vibes, but adds a lot more characters.
(13:35):
I enjoy it more than Overwatch.
It was good.
I see that way.
Okay.
Well, because there are so many characters, Paladins thought that this would be important
to have a quiz to find out who you were going to be bringing with you into every fight.
Who's going to be your love, your romance.
(13:57):
And I figure since we're almost towards Valentine's Day, which will not be the time that this
gets released, but still, you know, we could find that out, you know, for...
That's awesome.
Yeah, for you, for me, for the audience.
So when opening a fresh game of Paladins, what class are you playing at?
Usually healer.
(14:18):
Usually what?
A healer.
I go for healer first, but I wait for everybody else to choose.
So read them to me.
So well, that would make, I would put as support because I would do anything to save someone
I care about.
There you go.
Perfect.
All right.
What kind of hobbies do you enjoy?
Darkness and destruction, shooting range, meditation, studying the depths of space and time, or
(14:41):
skateboarding and snowboarding.
Definitely studying the depths of space and time.
As one does.
If your Valentine could paint you a picture, what would it be of?
Something with fire to send chills to my heart, something cute but fierce.
They recreate the starry night by van Gogh, something dark and filled with pain, something
(15:01):
explosive, or they recreate the persistence of memory by Salvador Dali.
Oh, definitely Dali.
I was kind of with a Wally and Dali.
I'm all about that.
Obviously.
And Dali's a trip, whether it's video or painting, right?
What books of these would you read?
Good Omens, A Song of Fire and Ice, The Jungle Book, A Wrinkle in Time, The Stars, My Destination,
(15:27):
The Art of War, Good Night Moon, and I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream.
These are really good choices.
I'm torn between A Song of Fire and Ice.
It actually reminds me of Nora Roberts, or A Wrinkle in Time, or The Art of War.
So I'm going to go Sun-Zoo, The Art of War, because I'm really about the philosophy.
I like that.
Okay.
Where would you take your Valentine on your first date?
(15:48):
The Zoo.
I love animals.
I'm going to go laser tag into the darkness and chaos.
It's quite lovely this time of year.
The Planetarium.
I'd have to check to see if I have time before committing to a date.
The Medieval Fair and Love, Love, Love, Love.
I don't know what that last one means.
Okay, so again, porn.
I've done laser tag as the first date before.
(16:09):
Super fun.
Or darkness of chaos.
I am infinite chaos, depending on the day.
And then I've been to Scarborough Fair in Texas.
So I'm going to go, I'm going to switch it up, and I'm going to say the Medieval Fair.
Alright, Medieval Fair.
I have no idea how many questions there are.
I'm going into this blind.
When it comes to deciding where your loyalties lie, who do you side with in the realm?
(16:30):
The Magistrate is on this side of the coin.
Paladins have the best goals for the realm's future.
Destroy it all.
Or I only align with those who follow love.
Period.
That last one.
There you go.
You've just come home after a day of battling for the realm.
What do you do to relax?
Lie outside and stay at a star.
Stare up at the stars.
(16:50):
Relax in the living room with my pets.
Work on improvements to my equipment.
Listen to heavy metal music in my room.
And take a nap and dream about love.
Not in select all.
I know.
I'm going to say living room with my pets.
There you go.
That's pretty good.
I've been doing that a lot here recently.
My cat just got out of surgery and he's just all about like comfort right now.
(17:10):
So you and your Valentine go out for a drink.
What are you having?
A nice coffee.
A hot one.
Milkshake with a cherry on top.
A unicorn frappuccino.
Wow.
That's branded answer right there.
Water.
It's...
Tiny tea.
Water.
It's for...
For its eternal energy drink or the blood of my enemies.
I don't know.
(17:31):
The blood of my enemies sounds tasty but I'm going to go with water.
It's eternal.
It is.
It is.
I've got three bottles of it next to me here.
It's also kind of warm up here.
So it's for my health and survival.
Okay.
Here we go.
All right.
Your Valentine is Imani.
While her temperature is something...
She's a good one.
... is subject to change, she's always got your back dragon and all.
(17:52):
I get behind dragons.
Do you...
Do you ever play as Imani?
Is...
I absolutely love Imani.
I've not mastered her yet.
I think level 30 is like the mastery but she does fire ice and she...
Her special, her ultimate is turning into a dragon and considering I'm near of the dragon,
it's super fitting.
Love it.
That's very fitting.
But there also, I'm a kind of a Pokemon Go nerd that has just recently came back into
(18:15):
it because I just, I didn't have time before and they have just recently released a Pokemon
called Drampaw which is half dragon, half grandpa and he looks like he's made out of
cotton candy.
It's a good year at the dragon.
There's a lot...
Oh yeah.
A lot going on.
(18:38):
So I feel like this is the story right here.
I mean, we can talk about all your other different losses like, you know, family and job and
whatnot but it sounds like to me that this is not just, this is one of those losses that
doesn't necessarily come with a physical loss.
This is, this is a loss of self-esteem.
(19:00):
This is a loss of security.
That's what we're talking about.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So, which some people believe that emotional loss is something that we can just kind of
bolster up and just get over.
A lot of times they tell people what you were already doing.
Hold it inside.
Deal with it on your own.
(19:21):
Go in the bathroom and cry.
We don't want to see it.
We don't want to hear it.
And that's some bullshit.
My goodness, Selena.
All right.
So how many jobs had you had gone through?
Last year?
Yeah.
Okay.
So that was the height of my downfall, I guess.
Originally started 2022 March.
(19:42):
I was working at McDonald's the night that I relapsed.
Went to work the next day like nothing happened.
I was unhappy so I ended up getting, I wanted to switch it up so I went to a gas station
work there for a month.
Hated it.
Absolutely.
It was on the wrong side of town.
It doesn't matter where I live.
You know what the wrong side of town is.
I understand.
And then I tried to go back to healthcare.
(20:03):
Caregiver.
Did that.
I mean, over seven.
I guess I say seven or eight jobs in the past year and a half.
And it just got to the point where I'm tired of trying.
I'm tired of going through the interview process.
If the company does not align.
And what I was proving the most was that the company, their mission statement should
be what they stand by.
And oftentimes it's not.
Like it doesn't matter where I work.
(20:24):
But like when they push you to work over 16 hours and you know it's not right, but you
still do it.
You know what I mean?
You're not standing by your mission.
No.
I've been there.
Probably when people start looking at the amount of support that they have in their
business, they start thinking less about the mission statement, thinking about the bottom
lines and that starts hurting the crew and or whoever.
(20:47):
Yeah.
Um, so out of all of those, just, just wondering, you just carry on the conversation.
What do you think?
What was the one job that you lost or you're like, I did not want to lose that job.
I don't even know if I should touch base on the actual name, but it was called.
I was trying to basically run, run a type of be the assistant.
(21:07):
I worked directly with the CEO.
I worked directly with the lady who ran and set everything up.
I was PRN.
I covered everything.
And from that I went to the opposite because I lost five clients in the matter of two months
to death for old, for elderly.
And I got really sad and I was like, I'm tired of that.
Let's go for something completely different.
(21:28):
So I went and I worked at an adult bookstore for three weeks and I was going to become
a store manager.
And I was training and learning all that, but if I have an addictive personality, that
might not have been the best choice for me, which I found out quickly, less than a month
before I was asked to quit.
Oh man.
Um, so you're just kind of free falling, free falling, wheeling around, trying to grab
(21:49):
anything you could hold on to.
And people look at, give me the chance, like the fact that I could have ran a whole store
as a store manager, the fact that I could have, it's insane how much potential I have
and how terrible I applied it, you know?
Hey, there's got, there's something to be said for being honest with yourself at least,
you know, just saying, I was like, ah, man, better than that.
(22:11):
The first time, I know this is small cookies in comparison to your whole story, but like
the first time I ever ran into anything like that.
And this is seriously this pales in comparison, but I can't stop myself.
I, uh, failed my first ever class in high school and it was history.
Still hate history.
I, I'm not happy.
I'm upset.
I hate history, but I'm good at it.
(22:33):
Ah, well, you see, I was good at it too.
All I had to do was do the damn homework or actually do the work.
And so I had the same teacher again the next year, made all days and she just looked at
me in disappointment as she handed me my last grade.
She's like, why didn't you just do this the first time?
Mr. Laplac, you're so much better than this.
And she was like one of those like old school teachers, like if she could hit people with
(22:53):
rulers, she would have.
And I was just like, sorry, Dr. Green, but that was my, my first taste of ever realizing
that people actually watch you apply yourself.
You know, sometimes people think that you're not being watched or sometimes the opposite
people think they've been watched.
They people watch you too much.
Um, but paranoia and reality and like, the universe sees it all every, every stage.
(23:21):
Do you think that do you think at a certain point that you were like, you were having
blinders on to everybody else?
Like you were just thinking everybody else is seeing me try my best.
Nobody seeing the, the darker side of what's happening to me right now.
Not necessarily like that.
I think that people were only amplifying the darker aspects, you know, in some ways, in
(23:41):
some form or fashion, saw everything that I was doing, but they were manipulating it
to their own advantage and or what they could get out of it.
Yeah.
And that's kind of the nature of humans, the human condition.
And um, it hurts whenever you're an empath, which is what I kind of declare myself as.
I've reached the point where like I can kind of connect and make people feel things just
(24:02):
by talking to them just by being on the phone or being in video.
And it's really hard, but I've learned how to control that to a point where I've learned
a lot.
It's a lot of shocker work.
I'll just make you that way.
A lot of stuff.
Uh, well, what about support during those times where there was there anybody who was
constantly in your corner this entire time?
The people that actually are destroying your life are actually the ones also saving them
(24:25):
simultaneously.
And when you think that your family, they should have your back, sure they prayed for
you to get up off the streets, but that's the same family member that is now evicting
me, you know what I mean?
Contending me back to the streets that I was saved from.
So it's very ironic that the people that are actually there for me will bring me a pack
of cigarettes.
We'll be like, Hey, hang in there.
(24:45):
Hey, got this.
Are the very people that I truly learned myself.
Right.
Um, you were telling me a little bit about your current situation before we're going
in here and have to say, you know, you're, you admit the fact that you, you got a problem
with addiction does and get a chance.
(25:06):
Know that I'm asking this after watching my parents do a whole bunch of stuff under their
own addictions.
And so at this point I'm asking out of curiosity because I'm never going to get the chance
to ask my own parents.
Um, how much of a pool.
When things get dark and down, how much of a pool and what does that pool feel like?
Does your addiction give on you in times of strife and stress?
(25:30):
It's like the abyss, doc and the cabalistic terms.
Like fully being aware that I could just literally fall backwards and go and the pull on it.
It's so strong that I have to literally practice grounding myself.
I have to literally stomp my foot on the ground, if they know to myself, like today, for instance,
(25:52):
it was a terrible day and, um, the universe had my back whenever I wasn't strong enough.
So I once again remain sober and clean and I am so much stronger for it.
The fact that I almost let somebody down to that very point where it's like I either feel
morbid or I'm going to do something about it.
And instead I'm here talking to somebody about it and it's like so therapeutic, way better
(26:15):
than getting high, way better than drinking.
And um, it's perfect.
What I'm going through right now sucks.
I don't know how many times I'm going to get a chance to say this.
It seems like it's happened.
This is my fifth podcast I've done so far for this season and um, it seems like this
comes up every time that anxiety and problems, the stuff that you're holding on in the inside
(26:37):
seem and look so much smaller once you finally get them out of your mouth and show them to
people.
You show them this little thing that has been eating you up inside.
And it doesn't necessarily, you know, it doesn't cure you.
God knows.
But sharing that with somebody, it's, it's as effective as therapy depending on how
good your therapist is.
(26:58):
I feel like my, I feel like my therapist is pretty good and she does more than just listen
to me.
But sometimes Jesus, that's all you need.
Well, I'm, I'm glad.
That advice that I got was actually from a cat kicked out of haunting reality shipping.
I paid $50 for this piece of ice, which then he refunded three weeks in.
He said that my critical failure was looking at the world or looking at others as if they
(27:20):
were broken.
My mindset, if I wanted to change my reality, we did the change because it's a reflection
of the self.
If I look at somebody else like they're broken, then obviously there's something wrong with
me for not being able to heal them.
So when I changed that mentality, my whole world, well, I might still be dealing with
problems.
My whole world has changed forever.
That sounds like that would be very much the thing that you would have to keep up, you
(27:41):
know, just through, you know, willpower and probably affirmations.
You seem like somebody who really believes in affirmations, like putting that out there
and living what you're putting out there.
Standing by what I do, even if it's cool.
Well, you know, you did mention earlier that you, you written, you've written a book of
poetry.
(28:02):
I'm sure that that's just a quality like example of the stuff that's in there as well.
I mean, think about it.
Who's a very ubiquitous word?
It could rhyme with a lot of different things.
All right.
So when I was writing these questions, I thought that it was a loss of spirituality that you
would found yourself on an agnostic plane or something different.
(28:23):
But you said it was actually a, it was a circle.
It was maybe, maybe not a perfect circle.
Probably.
Shout out to perfect circle, but.
Yeah.
A little purple circle.
Like it came across my Spotify the other day.
I was like, I totally forgot you existed.
Thank you for coming back.
A month or two ago.
That's.
Yeah.
(28:43):
Maybe maybe they're coming back.
We just don't know it.
So let's talk about spirituality for a second.
Would you call the way that you feel about God and the universe a role in coping or is
it a way of life that has spawned other coping mechanisms?
Tell me about what spirituality means to you.
(29:03):
And now it is transforming into basically a lifestyle.
I, as I stated, I've studied many different world religions and practices starting from,
you know, I was trying to be Buddhist when I was 15.
That was my goal.
That was actually my first time.
It's hard to do as a team.
I joined an open circle because of my dad and he did, I did, I dedicated myself for
a year and a day just studying as above so below principles.
(29:26):
Through that I watched as he giced through that I decided, wow, mind blown.
And then I started studying the hermetic principles, rebellion, red 1984 multiple times, brave new
world.
And I kind of developed my own, my dad played a devil's advocate by the way, because he's
an old goat and he would challenge me and we would have debates.
Not all of them were healthy, but debated because we wanted me to develop a really strong sense
(29:50):
of self and it's kind of Nordic in practice where it's a lifestyle.
Like you say that you better put your, put your money where your mouth is.
And so when I reached the point where I wanted to truly know myself internally in terms of
the darker aspects of shadow work, what I applied was over 17 years of mental preparation.
(30:10):
And so there are many times where I feel like I could have easily not been here today, but
because of my ability to think quick on my feet, I am here today and it's amazing.
And it only strengthens, however weak my application on life itself, it only strengthens my internal
bond with my spiritual side.
I think I'm, I think I'm doing really good.
(30:32):
I think on the right track, it took me doing a year and a day being a part of an open circle.
I was a part of a Coven, Wiccan, Gardenarian or Alexandrian and base.
I was taught by a fourth generation, third degree British traditional witch.
She was our Coven leader.
No doubt it was the high priest.
I lived with the open heart, open circle, high priest and high priestess.
(30:53):
I took care of them.
They were disabled.
I was the maid.
I would set up and break down.
I was a bard.
I could play guitar.
I could jump.
It was one of the best times in my life.
And when I lost that and where I moved now is like a Bible Belt of text, it's West Texas.
I can't apply that now.
That is such Christianity.
Christianity.
That is such a shift.
It's a movie that you would never believe.
(31:15):
It's a love story that might not ever get told of how I found God.
Wow.
That, that is amazing.
I mean, even I'm, I fully believe that what you see in religion in life, especially as
you get older becomes an amalgamation of all different types of things.
(31:35):
Makes the universe make sense to you.
And it's even more special if you realize that there's only a handful of people in the
world that may see it the same way as you do.
But for coming from those different layers, you know, from being the, the maiden, the
bard from being the parts of those circles and then coming back to, you said, Texas,
(31:56):
right?
Coming back to, coming back.
Born in the Middle East.
But yeah.
Okay.
I was, I was born in Oklahoma, but raised in the Carolinas.
But, but then coming back to that, obviously your relationship with, with God can't be
the exact same one as it was.
I mean, you've seen and done too much.
I tried to explore that entire duality.
(32:16):
Like I effectively did.
I watched my old go to the dad.
And you know what I mean?
I cannot, I'm not going to get into that because I don't want to, I don't want to twist it
into something where it's perceived negatively because it's not, it's all a part of truly
understanding that there's one source in my opinion and the religious paths are all branches
to that huge tree.
And however you visualize it is your thought form.
(32:37):
So the way I visualize and connect it to God whenever I found him, it, you know, it was
a Bob Marley one love and it was, it's a joke in my head.
You know, he doesn't look a thing like Jesus because he's Bob Marley dude.
It's hilarious.
I could subscribe to that actually.
I, I could totally see Jesus as a barb Bob Marley.
(32:58):
Eskos, I'll be honest with you.
I was not, even when I was younger, I was never completely down with white, brown hair,
blue eye Jesus.
Like I, I never, it doesn't, I, even when I was younger, I was like, he came, he came
from where and when was this and he was, he looked very Aryan evidently.
I, it didn't ever make sense.
He brown, he brown.
(33:19):
Okay.
Let's just get to brown, whatever he is.
Exactly.
He was not, yeah.
He was not an Adonis.
So, so these moments when, Adonis, that's great.
So many, so many different things come out in these conversations that I have and I will,
I will probably have, hopefully remember Michael, you need to remember this, have Adonis maybe
(33:43):
in the title.
I think that would actually grab some people.
Oh, I was a side joke.
It, for me, it's on a butt.
Don't just cut that part out.
We'll see.
We'll see what comes of it off the cutting room floor.
You're, you're like a DM.
You really are.
You have to be, you have to be.
You have religion.
(34:03):
You see as your, your religion, your experience, what other coping mechanisms do you have other
than, you know, speaking out loud, stomping your foot?
Like what else gets you through the times where everything just seems like it's full
of loss and shit?
Music, my lineage.
(34:24):
I cannot go into detail about this, but in my journey, and I was adopted, it was a closed
case classified and one of my goals was to find out the true lineage.
I'm not at liberty to talk about that just yet, but it's pretty magical and music, drumming
and guitar.
I'm curious.
So can you tell me after we stop recording?
Absolutely.
(34:44):
Fantastic.
It's a working progress.
It's a life's passion.
I will not talk about just yet.
Gotcha.
Gotcha.
Well, I will, I will hold it to myself and no one will ever know unless you give me the
go ahead to, or if you want to maybe do it on a future episode or something.
Music is, is huge for me as well.
And I'm one of those people who call music therapy.
(35:07):
I mean, a lot of people subscribe to that idea.
And I used to call it audio morphine when I was working as a restaurant manager for 14
years.
And they gave me the closing shift most of the time because I had a good eye for detail.
And I was also a department head.
So there was a lot of times where closing also meant handling the inventory.
(35:30):
But I would, I would tell people, it's like, all right, look, if you're going to listen
to your own music, put in earphones or ear, earphones yet.
That's not right.
Headphones.
Yeah.
Headphones at the time, earbuds weren't necessarily all that thing.
Apple pods were iPods, ear pods, whatever they were.
They were, they were a thing.
You can tell I'm not an Apple boy at all.
I'm not either.
(35:51):
Yeah.
Um, but I would take my stereo or Bluetooth speaker or whatever I had at the time and put
it in the office door facing out towards the kitchen and just blast whatever it was.
And the moment that the music started, I felt the anxiety not loosen, you know, just all
the stress and everything out of the day.
(36:12):
And I would go after my parents died, I would seek out the songs that would actively make
me a moat like there are times where I'm going to cry regardless because I'm, I got no problem
crying, but sometimes just, yeah, yeah.
Emotionally constipated, I think I called myself once because I was just like, I feel
it.
(36:32):
It just won't come out.
And then, um, uh, it was, I think a year after my dad passed and, uh, I was listening
to, uh, Blue October, Hate Me.
And yeah.
Yeah.
You know, you know, I could see the look on your face.
And you're face right now.
So I mean, that song, the song, it's, it doesn't even necessarily like accurately reflect the
(36:55):
pain of like my situation is not the same as the songs, but it, my God, the right, yeah,
the raw emotion just takes everything in here.
And then the next thing I know I'm screaming along, there's tears in my eyes.
God, I love, I love that song.
Every time it comes along, I re blog it or repost it wherever I happen to find it.
I'm like, everybody else needs to feel the pain I'm feeling right now.
(37:16):
I mean, I think that's a great story for what I'm hoping to be a first episode with you.
I mean, if you ever want to like talk more about like the times where like, I feel, I
feel like this was just like a 45 minute introduction to something that can just get packed later,
but we'll see.
We'll see.
Um, but there, there's so much I want to ask you, but there's so much time that I don't
(37:37):
have.
Sorry if I've overloaded you.
No, it's okay.
I barely even touched this.
Yeah.
I know, I know.
And, but no, I think this right here is a interesting enough story.
The fact that, you know, you have, you know, there's stories of loss and struggle and then
change.
You're not the first person to have changed their view on, on life in general and move
(38:00):
forward.
That's, that's in a different fashion than what they were.
I've come to see that a couple of times now, which is, I knew going into this podcast that
I was going to find so many different styles of humanity that I had just.
The way I framed it in my head, I think I posted it on my page.
I was like, it's not skid row, but it might've came close.
(38:20):
You know what I mean?
It's kind of like a documentary, but it's not, it's a conversation.
And what I like the most about it is that there's room for growth.
There's room for a continuation, a continuum.
And it doesn't have to be worse, whatever feels natural.
So whatever stopping point you get to is whatever stopping point I take.
Okay.
So my question for you would be, what made you want to create this podcast specifically?
(38:44):
If you care to share.
Yes.
God, I care to share.
It's only fair after asking so many people, so many other questions.
So quick lowdown.
I've told this story before, but not to you.
I lost my mom in 2016.
And from there, I started doing videos after I would take walks, clearing my mind and
just talk to people.
(39:04):
It was called sitting with Michael at the time.
And I went from there and decided to start doing YouTube videos and they were doing okay.
But then I wanted to figure out how I was doing better and somebody said you could do better
doing short form videos.
And I was like, all right, of course, this is around when TikTok was taken off around
2020.
And so I started doing those.
And yeah, it did take off.
(39:25):
I found a better audience that way, took that applied to other places, finally became
sitting with you because you go over my whole platform.
And then yeah, I think it was shortly after my dad died, which has been a couple of years,
two or three years now, I try not to put a noticeable pin on the calendar for that.
The days will come.
I try not to remember how long it was.
(39:46):
And I was talking to a lot of other people who were talking about loss.
And there was a lot of stress that wasn't being handled right.
And it was before I was in therapy that I started talking to other people and starting
hearing all of these different stories.
Because people want to commiserate or the horrible thing is like, I'm so sorry.
(40:09):
And then they just stare at you.
That's the worst.
But I knew that I wanted to do a podcast before then, but it was kind of aimless.
And then the more that I had these conversations, and then it was before I went to therapy,
I can say that, that I was just like, I want to talk to other people about how they're
dealing with it.
Because people kind of get uncomfortable with me when I make dead parent jokes.
(40:32):
But I'm in that club.
My parents die.
Other people are making dead parent jokes and their parents aren't dead.
That means that either A, their relationships are really messed up.
Or B, they just don't get two shits about death.
But for me, it was more along the lines of, it was my coping.
And then I realized that not everybody copes the same way.
And then I really wanted to find out how people are coping.
(40:55):
But coping and grief changes different people in so many different wild permutations.
And I want other people out of there, the more I thought about it, I was like, other
people out there are struggling, being told not to cry, being told to just shovel their
emotions in.
Or they're going through some really weird symptoms that people don't really necessarily
(41:17):
think about due to either self-medication or there was already an imbalance in their
life and the grief is coming out and say, like, I've heard of people just rhythmically
pulling out their hair or I wanted to know those stories.
And I want other people to hear those stories too, because it can't just be about my help,
about helping me if I'm going to.
(41:38):
But it's not about my opinion.
Okay.
I will take that.
I've got my shoes are humongous.
So that makes sense.
And then I got, I found out right before I started recording that, God, what's his name,
Anderson Cooper was doing a podcast about grief.
(41:59):
But his was about learning how to handle all the things that he hasn't handled, like what
grief, what, what, how that actually means and what how that's how that is shaping his
life and how it could be better.
I was like, okay, all right, it's different enough.
I'm not, I'm not stepping into the same places that other people are.
But even if he did, there are so many different stories.
It's a spectrum.
(42:19):
It's definitely a spectrum.
It is.
Um, well, Celine, this has been amazing.
Um, you know, we don't have to, we don't have to like hang up, hang up right now.
Because I've got, I've got a while before I've got to head home and I'd love to just
you know, talk with you in general, but this podcast can't keep running too long.
Again, thank you so much, Celine.
Where do you want people to find you?
(42:40):
Do you want to plug anything that you want to plug?
Um, Celine, Amber, Wolf, Christina, Ashley, Vansby or infinite chaos, depending on who
you get that day.
And you mind if I put your link tree in, in our, okay, I'll get my link tree from you.
It'll be in the description.
And I've been your host, Michael LeBlanc, even if you miss next month's episode, well,
(43:02):
still, it's your loss.
I'll talk to you guys later.
Bye-bye.
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