September 8, 2025 • 20 mins
What happens when Christian dating expectations collide with reality? Join hosts Jess and Steph for a candid, no-holds-barred conversation about navigating relationships as believers in today's world.
From opposite sides of the relationship spectrum – Jess as a divorced single woman approaching 50 and Steph as a newlywed in her 40s – they share raw truths about their journeys. Jess opens up about the surprising challenges of Christian dating, including the uncomfortable reality that some of her strongest pressure to compromise values has come from professing Christian men. Meanwhile, Steph reveals the ongoing work of marriage, especially maintaining romance beyond the honeymoon phase and balancing independence with biblical partnership.
Whether you're single, dating, married, or divorced, this episode offers wisdom, solidarity, and a healthy dose of humor about doing relationships with faith and honesty. Got relationship questions or stories to share? Connect with us on social media – we'd love to continue the conversation!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Jess (00:02):
Hey, welcome back, or welcome to the Jesus Fix it
podcast, the show where we talkabout life, the ups, the downs,
a little pop culture andeverything in between.
Steph (00:12):
I'm Jess and I'm Steph, every other week we dive into
the things we're asking Jesus tofix.
And let's be real, there's alot.
You can always count on us tokeep it real.
Jess (00:24):
Share some laughs with us, and maybe a few tears, as we
tackle the big and small stuffwith faith and honesty.
So grab your coffee and let'sget into it.
You're married.
I am single.
Steph (00:36):
Statements, facts yes.
Jess (00:40):
Okay, so this is the thing .
First of all, if you arelistening with younger ears, you
may want to listen to thisepisode with just the adults,
because we're going to betalking about adult things.
Right, we're talking aboutdating, we're talking about
marriage, we're talking aboutrelationships, navigating it as
(01:03):
Christians what does it looklike?
Steph (01:05):
But we're not keeping topics off the table.
Jess (01:09):
Right, yeah, so as always, it's clean, of course, but
there may be some topics wediscuss that you don't want your
young ears listening to, sojust wanted to preface that, and
now that the housekeeping isout the way, let's continue the
conversation.
Okay so most of my friends whoare married have said this
(01:30):
statement to me Jess, be gladyou're single, I love my husband
, but you have this freedom.
And I've said to them hey, beenthere, done that, but I do miss
being married Because I do myhusband.
We are both glad we are nolonger married to each other.
Your ex, my ex yeah, weco-parent very well, he is
(01:55):
actually one of my great friends.
We love our boys, but we are sothankful we are no longer
married.
Let me just say that.
But one day I would like to bemarried again one day.
(02:15):
Okay, I prayed about it you arestruggling to spit this out
Because I wondered if I wantedto get married again one day.
Because at first, once I gotdivorced, I did not like being
divorced, because, of course,that's not where I saw myself.
Because you get married and youhave all of these hopes and
(02:37):
dreams, you have what you prayedfor.
I got married, I had my family,I had my home, I had it all I
thought, and so, of course, whenI got divorced, I was like,
lord, this wasn't the plan.
What in the world?
I know this ain't the story.
You wrote what in the world?
And so, of course that's notwhat I wanted.
But then I've been divorced forso long.
(02:59):
I'm an empty nester now and I'mjust like, okay, I'm comfy, I'm
good, but you know, I'm almost50.
So I'm like, you know, it mightbe nice to sit on the porch in
the rocking chair with somebody.
You know, I got a bad knee.
All I can do is rock back andforth now.
So you know, it might be greatto be married again one day.
(03:21):
But this date in life listen,it is not for the weak, it is
not.
It is tough out here.
And so when some of my marriedfriends have come to me and said
, oh just, you don't have topick up, you don't have to do
this, you're not obligated to dothat, I'm just like girl, pray
(03:46):
over your husband, pray overyour marriage and be thankful
that you know you have somebodyto do life with, because you
don't want to be alone foreveryou know, right, yeah, and you
know you as a married person, Ido.
Steph (04:01):
I have somebody to do life with and my husband, mike.
Mike and I we've only beenmarried two years, just barely.
So we're still considerednewlyweds and we are still
trying to navigate.
What does marriage look like?
I mean, we got married later inlife compared to.
I mean, share your age if youdon't mind.
Jess (04:21):
Yeah, no, I have to think about that Y'all.
She is looking at the ceilingshe has on glasses.
She's actually looking over topof her glasses.
I'm older than her and shecan't remember her age All
(04:42):
together.
Now, jesus, fix it.
Steph (04:48):
Oh my gosh, I'm 44.
Because I had a birthday thissummer, so I have to think about
that.
Yeah, I was born in 81.
So you do the math, I don'tmath.
Jess (04:59):
I'm going to text her husband and ask him when your
birthday is.
Steph (05:03):
He better know, because it's three days after his.
Oh my gosh, I'm crying.
This is hilarious.
Jess (05:09):
Wow, yeah, so all right, so I'm.
If this didn't happen when wewere recording, nobody would
believe me.
Okay, we digress.
Yes, yes, never going to letyou forget this.
Steph (05:23):
No that's fair, totally fair.
Okay, yes, I'm 44.
Okay, met my husband on my 40thbirthday.
We had been talking, just quickoverview.
We dated, we met online througha dating app.
Shameless plug.
Jess (05:40):
If you listen to the episode 35 in Undateable, you'll
get this story.
Okay, go ahead.
A little more detail.
Steph (05:45):
Yes, so go back and listen to it.
But real quick.
So we met online on a datingapp, then talked for about a
month, met in person.
He came to visit me longdistance dating came to visit me
on my 40th birthday he had justturned 40.
So then we dated.
I moved out to where he was.
We got married August of 23.
(06:06):
That's the quick overview of it.
So just barely over two yearsnow that we've been married.
But in that span of time wehave gone through four different
job changes, moving twice,losing a pet, which we don't
have human kids, we have furbaby kids.
So that was very difficult.
So a lot of things that we'venavigated.
(06:26):
So when I have friends who areunmarried and they're just like,
oh girl, be so happy thatyou've got somebody to do life
with.
Jess (06:36):
sure, but I am stressed out well, what make what makes
you stressed and married what?
What makes what makes that sofor you?
Expectations?
Steph (06:48):
Were they not given we went through premarital they
wouldn't call it counseling butconversations for like a 12-week
session with this couple.
They were amazing and we talkedthrough everything and talked
about what expectations fordifferent things are.
And even after we've beenmarried I keep having a
(07:09):
conversation.
It's like hey, I still want youto date me.
Jess (07:13):
That's a big See.
That's the biggest thing I hearfrom my other married friends.
It's like I love him, I loveher, but the expectations were
given but they're not being met.
And one of those is hey, westill wanna go on dates.
I got your representative whenwe were dating.
We're married now.
Don't stop doing all the things.
Steph (07:36):
Yeah, so I have that conversation with Mike and it's
like I would love if you wouldjust, on a Friday night, say,
hey, I laid out some clothes foryou to change into, we're going
out and it's all planned.
Jess (07:49):
Do you think it's a comfort thing because you're
married now and you've justgotten so comfortable with that
person, which it's flatteringand it's you love me so much.
We are so comfortable, we're socompatible with each other,
you're my safe place.
But also I want you to be sosafe and comfortable with me,
(08:12):
but also I want you to notforget why you fell in love with
me.
Steph (08:17):
Yeah, that wooing.
Jess (08:18):
Yeah, courting is what it's, courting is what.
Yeah, yeah.
Steph (08:22):
That's a great.
That's what the old folks sayCourting.
Jess (08:24):
No, it's a great old school.
I love it.
I love the whole idea ofcourting.
Yeah, I don't want it to stop.
Steph (08:31):
But not having a chaper.
The whole idea of courting, yes, and I don't want it to stop,
but not having a chaperone whenyou're courting no, don't get me
.
No, not a chaperone, that's awhole different.
Jess (08:38):
Yeah, when I was in high school, my mom actually gave me
quarters to keep in my purse.
She chaperoned up until I waslike 15.
Like her or my dad was in a carsomewhere nearby.
But then when I startedcomplaining y'all can't go on a
date with me forever and everThen they started giving me
(08:58):
quarters for payphone.
Remember that.
Oh yeah, if he gets fresh, yep,you take this quarter and you
find a payphone.
Okay, I digress.
Steph (09:08):
But yeah, there is that courting, that dating, the
wooing.
You know it doesn't have to bethis big elaborate, you know,
steak dinner out, you know, tothe nines with dancing and all
that.
Now, that wouldn't be a badidea, every once in a while
maybe, yeah, for somethingspecial, anniversary, whatever,
(09:31):
but it's it's.
It's a struggle, and I thinkanother piece for us is being in
a new house to us, and there'sso many house projects there are
.
I mean it's so easy for for bothof us, that in within our just
four walls, we look around andit's like there's all these
(09:52):
projects that need to be done.
So by the time you know I gethome from work, or it's a
weekend or whatever it isthere's not that energy.
Yeah, to want to go out andthat can be a struggle.
Yeah, that can be a struggle.
Jess (10:14):
I just don't know.
I don't know.
I'm so conflicted because Idon't think.
I know I still want it, but Ifeel like hearing this from you
and hearing it from my marriedfriends too.
I feel like there's a lot ofpressure, though, because I feel
(10:35):
like that makes my list growlonger.
Steph (10:39):
Your standard.
Jess (10:41):
Yes, because dating as a Christian, you already have this
list, like you already have along list of things Do you love
Jesus?
Do you go to church?
How weird are you?
Everybody's weird Christian ornot?
Everybody is just so stinkingweird.
(11:01):
I mean, I'm weird too, I get it, but it's just I didn't realize
it was going to be this hardand it's like the older I get,
the harder it gets.
Steph (11:17):
Let me ask you this Do you think that some of that hard
is because you're socomfortable in your own
lifestyle?
Jess (11:26):
Yes, I know, I know, and it's because I have standards
and we've talked about this inthe other episode again, listen
to 35 and Undateable and I neverknew having standards was going
to be such a hindrance,especially when you're a
Christian.
And I'm going to say this andplease don't come for me, but
(11:48):
this is my truth the hardest arecoming from the Christians that
I'm dating.
I have had more pressure tohave sex from the men who are
supposed to be Christians.
I have had more pressure tojust do things that are way
(12:15):
outside of my comfort zone, likehey, we have been dating for
two weeks, let's talk marriage.
Steph (12:22):
Whoa.
Jess (12:23):
Like what?
What are you even talking about?
Okay, like the craziest,wildest thing, the stalkerish
types, the love bombing, thelove bombing, oh my gosh, it's
so.
The narcissistic behavior, allof it.
It's so crazy and I just Idon't know.
(12:48):
I just I don't know.
And so, you know, I try not tocomplain and I just come up with
this list and I prayspecifically to God what I want
and I just imagine God sayingokay, jess.
Steph (13:09):
That's great, jess, that that's what you want, but I know
what I have for you, becausethat's what you need.
Yes, that's great, jess, thatthat's what you want, but I know
what I have for you, becausethat's what you need.
Jess (13:15):
Yes, yeah and yeah.
But it's still so funny, though, that I sit here and I listen
to you and I listen to my othermarried friends, and then I just
don't know other marriedfriends, and then I just don't
(13:37):
know, are any of us like really,really going to be satisfied or
happy?
Steph (13:39):
I think that you absolutely can.
I think where it comes from,where your standards are.
You have standards, you haveexpectations, and where do those
meet together?
You know, obviously there arebiblical standards.
You are not going to compromiseon.
No compromise, no give.
Jess (13:58):
That's just what it is, and that's probably why I'm
single right now, honestly, yeah.
Steph (14:04):
You know.
But then what are thoseexpectations?
For me, there are things that Iwatched 1,000 too many hallmark
movies to have someexpectations.
Yeah, or you and I, we loveanna green gables.
A gilbert so kindred, oh mygosh.
Yes, we are not getting agilbert blind.
(14:26):
No, gilbert doesn't exist.
He does not, he doesn't exist,he does not, he doesn't.
Even though we don't need ourmarble sunbursts or halls.
I can't think of how the linegoes right now, but anyway, and
we are not in Avonlea, right,exactly, you know.
But having certain expectationsand communicating them well is
(14:50):
the big key where Mike and I areable to see more eye to eye and
set that up.
There's certain things that hesays to me, and it doesn't have
anything to do with the datingside of our marriage, but he's
like I wish that you would doand he would just fill in the
blank on a couple things.
Jess (15:10):
Okay.
Steph (15:11):
I think that's okay, that and I do too because it's like,
okay, that is a way that I'mshowing, like, respect to him
and showing romance to him insome ways, which it might just
be as simple as helping me foldthe laundry.
Yeah, I hate laundry, me toobut okay if that helps him feel
(15:31):
wanted and desired and gives himthe ooey-gooey, butterfly-y
feelings that somehow a guy getsin, whatever way.
Okay, you know, I want to dothat.
Yeah, on the flip side, mike, Iwould appreciate that every
once in a while you would justplan a random night out and do
not ask me a blessed questionabout it, because the decision
(15:57):
fatigue is real.
Yeah, and I just can't.
Jess (16:01):
It really is yeah, yeah, I , I get that and I wonder if, in
my singleness, that I havebecome so independent that I
need to release a little,because one of the best dates
(16:23):
that I've been on lately Ididn't have to do anything, I
didn't have to show up, I didn'thave to plan and I always
volunteered Like, yeah, any dateI have been on, even if he
suggests I'm like, oh well, letme help with, let me give you
some restaurant suggestions, letme da da, da, da da.
Well, this particular date.
(16:45):
He said this is the time.
You just need to be there.
Well, do you need me?
Uh-uh, well, let me.
For what?
And then I actually got a littlepushy and I had to catch myself
and I'm like could I beblocking my own blessings?
Because he had everythingplanned.
And I said, well, I'm justgoing to call.
(17:05):
And da da da.
He said why Are you paying foranything?
I said, oh, and I actually likeit wasn't aggressive and he
said it in a nice way, but Iactually had to catch myself and
I was like this man just toldyou to show up.
He had everything planned, everydetail.
(17:27):
I didn't have to do anything,didn't have to lift a finger.
Everything was done and I feltso comfortable, I felt at peace
and it actually felt good not tohave to be the planner.
You felt pursued.
I did, and that was pretty muchthe first time that had ever
(17:48):
happened in a long, long time,and I don't know if that's God's
way of saying okay, jess, youdon't have to be the planner all
the time, you don't have totake the lead all the time.
Let the man lead.
I don't know, but that's justso hard for me.
Once you've been the leader ofyour household, once you've been
the one doing all the things,once you've been so independent,
(18:11):
once you've been the one tohave to do all the things, it is
really hard to let go.
Steph (18:18):
Whether you're single or married.
It is very difficult because youand I are very similar in a lot
of ways and that's where in mymarriage, that's something I
have to work on is letting myhusband be the leader of the
household, letting him step intothe role that God has made him
(18:38):
for and step back, and, as Ihave so many friends that are in
similar situations, that youare single, want to be married,
trying to navigate this blesseddating life, dating life.
And one of my best friends toldme please do not, ever, ever,
(19:01):
say these words to me.
So I haven't said them to herand I'm not saying them to her
or you now, but I'm saying thisas maybe this is my Jesus.
Fix it that people who havewell-meaning intentions don't
say to single people be gladyou're still single.
Jess (19:23):
Yeah, don't say that and don't say that this is a wasted
season or don't consider thisseason of waiting wasted.
Yeah, like, even in your seasonof singleness, live, yes, live
it up, do the things.
(19:43):
Because I think I saw you inour work group post something
where, in your season ofsingleness, you did things.
You joined some groups atchurch, you went out and made
friends.
You did all the things in yourseason of singleness.
Steph (20:02):
And I still have that as a great community of friends,
even though I'm five, six hoursaway from them, Because
community, whether you're singleor married, so important.
But in my season of singlenessI didn't feel like I was missing
something because I was willingto be open to what God had for
(20:24):
me in these really richfriendships.
Jess (20:28):
That's because, whether you're married or single, god
doesn't waste anything.
Find hope and inspiration withJess's Daily Devotion.
Steph (20:37):
Check out jessdailydevocom or search
Jess's Daily Devotion whereveryou listen to podcasts.
Hey, welcome back, or welcome to the Jesus Fix it
podcast, the show where we talkabout life, the ups, the downs,
a little pop culture andeverything in between.
Steph (00:12):
I'm Jess and I'm Steph, every other week we dive into
the things we're asking Jesus tofix.
And let's be real, there's alot.
You can always count on us tokeep it real.
Jess (00:24):
Share some laughs with us, and maybe a few tears, as we
tackle the big and small stuffwith faith and honesty.
So grab your coffee and let'sget into it.
You're married.
I am single.
Steph (00:36):
Statements, facts yes.
Jess (00:40):
Okay, so this is the thing .
First of all, if you arelistening with younger ears, you
may want to listen to thisepisode with just the adults,
because we're going to betalking about adult things.
Right, we're talking aboutdating, we're talking about
marriage, we're talking aboutrelationships, navigating it as
(01:03):
Christians what does it looklike?
Steph (01:05):
But we're not keeping topics off the table.
Jess (01:09):
Right, yeah, so as always, it's clean, of course, but
there may be some topics wediscuss that you don't want your
young ears listening to, sojust wanted to preface that, and
now that the housekeeping isout the way, let's continue the
conversation.
Okay so most of my friends whoare married have said this
(01:30):
statement to me Jess, be gladyou're single, I love my husband
, but you have this freedom.
And I've said to them hey, beenthere, done that, but I do miss
being married Because I do myhusband.
We are both glad we are nolonger married to each other.
Your ex, my ex yeah, weco-parent very well, he is
(01:55):
actually one of my great friends.
We love our boys, but we are sothankful we are no longer
married.
Let me just say that.
But one day I would like to bemarried again one day.
(02:15):
Okay, I prayed about it you arestruggling to spit this out
Because I wondered if I wantedto get married again one day.
Because at first, once I gotdivorced, I did not like being
divorced, because, of course,that's not where I saw myself.
Because you get married and youhave all of these hopes and
(02:37):
dreams, you have what you prayedfor.
I got married, I had my family,I had my home, I had it all I
thought, and so, of course, whenI got divorced, I was like,
lord, this wasn't the plan.
What in the world?
I know this ain't the story.
You wrote what in the world?
And so, of course that's notwhat I wanted.
But then I've been divorced forso long.
(02:59):
I'm an empty nester now and I'mjust like, okay, I'm comfy, I'm
good, but you know, I'm almost50.
So I'm like, you know, it mightbe nice to sit on the porch in
the rocking chair with somebody.
You know, I got a bad knee.
All I can do is rock back andforth now.
So you know, it might be greatto be married again one day.
(03:21):
But this date in life listen,it is not for the weak, it is
not.
It is tough out here.
And so when some of my marriedfriends have come to me and said
, oh just, you don't have topick up, you don't have to do
this, you're not obligated to dothat, I'm just like girl, pray
(03:46):
over your husband, pray overyour marriage and be thankful
that you know you have somebodyto do life with, because you
don't want to be alone foreveryou know, right, yeah, and you
know you as a married person, Ido.
Steph (04:01):
I have somebody to do life with and my husband, mike.
Mike and I we've only beenmarried two years, just barely.
So we're still considerednewlyweds and we are still
trying to navigate.
What does marriage look like?
I mean, we got married later inlife compared to.
I mean, share your age if youdon't mind.
Jess (04:21):
Yeah, no, I have to think about that Y'all.
She is looking at the ceilingshe has on glasses.
She's actually looking over topof her glasses.
I'm older than her and shecan't remember her age All
(04:42):
together.
Now, jesus, fix it.
Steph (04:48):
Oh my gosh, I'm 44.
Because I had a birthday thissummer, so I have to think about
that.
Yeah, I was born in 81.
So you do the math, I don'tmath.
Jess (04:59):
I'm going to text her husband and ask him when your
birthday is.
Steph (05:03):
He better know, because it's three days after his.
Oh my gosh, I'm crying.
This is hilarious.
Jess (05:09):
Wow, yeah, so all right, so I'm.
If this didn't happen when wewere recording, nobody would
believe me.
Okay, we digress.
Yes, yes, never going to letyou forget this.
Steph (05:23):
No that's fair, totally fair.
Okay, yes, I'm 44.
Okay, met my husband on my 40thbirthday.
We had been talking, just quickoverview.
We dated, we met online througha dating app.
Shameless plug.
Jess (05:40):
If you listen to the episode 35 in Undateable, you'll
get this story.
Okay, go ahead.
A little more detail.
Steph (05:45):
Yes, so go back and listen to it.
But real quick.
So we met online on a datingapp, then talked for about a
month, met in person.
He came to visit me longdistance dating came to visit me
on my 40th birthday he had justturned 40.
So then we dated.
I moved out to where he was.
We got married August of 23.
(06:06):
That's the quick overview of it.
So just barely over two yearsnow that we've been married.
But in that span of time wehave gone through four different
job changes, moving twice,losing a pet, which we don't
have human kids, we have furbaby kids.
So that was very difficult.
So a lot of things that we'venavigated.
(06:26):
So when I have friends who areunmarried and they're just like,
oh girl, be so happy thatyou've got somebody to do life
with.
Jess (06:36):
sure, but I am stressed out well, what make what makes
you stressed and married what?
What makes what makes that sofor you?
Expectations?
Steph (06:48):
Were they not given we went through premarital they
wouldn't call it counseling butconversations for like a 12-week
session with this couple.
They were amazing and we talkedthrough everything and talked
about what expectations fordifferent things are.
And even after we've beenmarried I keep having a
(07:09):
conversation.
It's like hey, I still want youto date me.
Jess (07:13):
That's a big See.
That's the biggest thing I hearfrom my other married friends.
It's like I love him, I loveher, but the expectations were
given but they're not being met.
And one of those is hey, westill wanna go on dates.
I got your representative whenwe were dating.
We're married now.
Don't stop doing all the things.
Steph (07:36):
Yeah, so I have that conversation with Mike and it's
like I would love if you wouldjust, on a Friday night, say,
hey, I laid out some clothes foryou to change into, we're going
out and it's all planned.
Jess (07:49):
Do you think it's a comfort thing because you're
married now and you've justgotten so comfortable with that
person, which it's flatteringand it's you love me so much.
We are so comfortable, we're socompatible with each other,
you're my safe place.
But also I want you to be sosafe and comfortable with me,
(08:12):
but also I want you to notforget why you fell in love with
me.
Steph (08:17):
Yeah, that wooing.
Jess (08:18):
Yeah, courting is what it's, courting is what.
Yeah, yeah.
Steph (08:22):
That's a great.
That's what the old folks sayCourting.
Jess (08:24):
No, it's a great old school.
I love it.
I love the whole idea ofcourting.
Yeah, I don't want it to stop.
Steph (08:31):
But not having a chaper.
The whole idea of courting, yes, and I don't want it to stop,
but not having a chaperone whenyou're courting no, don't get me
.
No, not a chaperone, that's awhole different.
Jess (08:38):
Yeah, when I was in high school, my mom actually gave me
quarters to keep in my purse.
She chaperoned up until I waslike 15.
Like her or my dad was in a carsomewhere nearby.
But then when I startedcomplaining y'all can't go on a
date with me forever and everThen they started giving me
(08:58):
quarters for payphone.
Remember that.
Oh yeah, if he gets fresh, yep,you take this quarter and you
find a payphone.
Okay, I digress.
Steph (09:08):
But yeah, there is that courting, that dating, the
wooing.
You know it doesn't have to bethis big elaborate, you know,
steak dinner out, you know, tothe nines with dancing and all
that.
Now, that wouldn't be a badidea, every once in a while
maybe, yeah, for somethingspecial, anniversary, whatever,
(09:31):
but it's it's.
It's a struggle, and I thinkanother piece for us is being in
a new house to us, and there'sso many house projects there are
.
I mean it's so easy for for bothof us, that in within our just
four walls, we look around andit's like there's all these
(09:52):
projects that need to be done.
So by the time you know I gethome from work, or it's a
weekend or whatever it isthere's not that energy.
Yeah, to want to go out andthat can be a struggle.
Yeah, that can be a struggle.
Jess (10:14):
I just don't know.
I don't know.
I'm so conflicted because Idon't think.
I know I still want it, but Ifeel like hearing this from you
and hearing it from my marriedfriends too.
I feel like there's a lot ofpressure, though, because I feel
(10:35):
like that makes my list growlonger.
Steph (10:39):
Your standard.
Jess (10:41):
Yes, because dating as a Christian, you already have this
list, like you already have along list of things Do you love
Jesus?
Do you go to church?
How weird are you?
Everybody's weird Christian ornot?
Everybody is just so stinkingweird.
(11:01):
I mean, I'm weird too, I get it, but it's just I didn't realize
it was going to be this hardand it's like the older I get,
the harder it gets.
Steph (11:17):
Let me ask you this Do you think that some of that hard
is because you're socomfortable in your own
lifestyle?
Jess (11:26):
Yes, I know, I know, and it's because I have standards
and we've talked about this inthe other episode again, listen
to 35 and Undateable and I neverknew having standards was going
to be such a hindrance,especially when you're a
Christian.
And I'm going to say this andplease don't come for me, but
(11:48):
this is my truth the hardest arecoming from the Christians that
I'm dating.
I have had more pressure tohave sex from the men who are
supposed to be Christians.
I have had more pressure tojust do things that are way
(12:15):
outside of my comfort zone, likehey, we have been dating for
two weeks, let's talk marriage.
Steph (12:22):
Whoa.
Jess (12:23):
Like what?
What are you even talking about?
Okay, like the craziest,wildest thing, the stalkerish
types, the love bombing, thelove bombing, oh my gosh, it's
so.
The narcissistic behavior, allof it.
It's so crazy and I just Idon't know.
(12:48):
I just I don't know.
And so, you know, I try not tocomplain and I just come up with
this list and I prayspecifically to God what I want
and I just imagine God sayingokay, jess.
Steph (13:09):
That's great, jess, that that's what you want, but I know
what I have for you, becausethat's what you need.
Yes, that's great, jess, thatthat's what you want, but I know
what I have for you, becausethat's what you need.
Jess (13:15):
Yes, yeah and yeah.
But it's still so funny, though, that I sit here and I listen
to you and I listen to my othermarried friends, and then I just
don't know other marriedfriends, and then I just don't
(13:37):
know, are any of us like really,really going to be satisfied or
happy?
Steph (13:39):
I think that you absolutely can.
I think where it comes from,where your standards are.
You have standards, you haveexpectations, and where do those
meet together?
You know, obviously there arebiblical standards.
You are not going to compromiseon.
No compromise, no give.
Jess (13:58):
That's just what it is, and that's probably why I'm
single right now, honestly, yeah.
Steph (14:04):
You know.
But then what are thoseexpectations?
For me, there are things that Iwatched 1,000 too many hallmark
movies to have someexpectations.
Yeah, or you and I, we loveanna green gables.
A gilbert so kindred, oh mygosh.
Yes, we are not getting agilbert blind.
(14:26):
No, gilbert doesn't exist.
He does not, he doesn't exist,he does not, he doesn't.
Even though we don't need ourmarble sunbursts or halls.
I can't think of how the linegoes right now, but anyway, and
we are not in Avonlea, right,exactly, you know.
But having certain expectationsand communicating them well is
(14:50):
the big key where Mike and I areable to see more eye to eye and
set that up.
There's certain things that hesays to me, and it doesn't have
anything to do with the datingside of our marriage, but he's
like I wish that you would doand he would just fill in the
blank on a couple things.
Jess (15:10):
Okay.
Steph (15:11):
I think that's okay, that and I do too because it's like,
okay, that is a way that I'mshowing, like, respect to him
and showing romance to him insome ways, which it might just
be as simple as helping me foldthe laundry.
Yeah, I hate laundry, me toobut okay if that helps him feel
(15:31):
wanted and desired and gives himthe ooey-gooey, butterfly-y
feelings that somehow a guy getsin, whatever way.
Okay, you know, I want to dothat.
Yeah, on the flip side, mike, Iwould appreciate that every
once in a while you would justplan a random night out and do
not ask me a blessed questionabout it, because the decision
(15:57):
fatigue is real.
Yeah, and I just can't.
Jess (16:01):
It really is yeah, yeah, I , I get that and I wonder if, in
my singleness, that I havebecome so independent that I
need to release a little,because one of the best dates
(16:23):
that I've been on lately Ididn't have to do anything, I
didn't have to show up, I didn'thave to plan and I always
volunteered Like, yeah, any dateI have been on, even if he
suggests I'm like, oh well, letme help with, let me give you
some restaurant suggestions, letme da da, da, da da.
Well, this particular date.
(16:45):
He said this is the time.
You just need to be there.
Well, do you need me?
Uh-uh, well, let me.
For what?
And then I actually got a littlepushy and I had to catch myself
and I'm like could I beblocking my own blessings?
Because he had everythingplanned.
And I said, well, I'm justgoing to call.
(17:05):
And da da da.
He said why Are you paying foranything?
I said, oh, and I actually likeit wasn't aggressive and he
said it in a nice way, but Iactually had to catch myself and
I was like this man just toldyou to show up.
He had everything planned, everydetail.
(17:27):
I didn't have to do anything,didn't have to lift a finger.
Everything was done and I feltso comfortable, I felt at peace
and it actually felt good not tohave to be the planner.
You felt pursued.
I did, and that was pretty muchthe first time that had ever
(17:48):
happened in a long, long time,and I don't know if that's God's
way of saying okay, jess, youdon't have to be the planner all
the time, you don't have totake the lead all the time.
Let the man lead.
I don't know, but that's justso hard for me.
Once you've been the leader ofyour household, once you've been
the one doing all the things,once you've been so independent,
(18:11):
once you've been the one tohave to do all the things, it is
really hard to let go.
Steph (18:18):
Whether you're single or married.
It is very difficult because youand I are very similar in a lot
of ways and that's where in mymarriage, that's something I
have to work on is letting myhusband be the leader of the
household, letting him step intothe role that God has made him
(18:38):
for and step back, and, as Ihave so many friends that are in
similar situations, that youare single, want to be married,
trying to navigate this blesseddating life, dating life.
And one of my best friends toldme please do not, ever, ever,
(19:01):
say these words to me.
So I haven't said them to herand I'm not saying them to her
or you now, but I'm saying thisas maybe this is my Jesus.
Fix it that people who havewell-meaning intentions don't
say to single people be gladyou're still single.
Jess (19:23):
Yeah, don't say that and don't say that this is a wasted
season or don't consider thisseason of waiting wasted.
Yeah, like, even in your seasonof singleness, live, yes, live
it up, do the things.
(19:43):
Because I think I saw you inour work group post something
where, in your season ofsingleness, you did things.
You joined some groups atchurch, you went out and made
friends.
You did all the things in yourseason of singleness.
Steph (20:02):
And I still have that as a great community of friends,
even though I'm five, six hoursaway from them, Because
community, whether you're singleor married, so important.
But in my season of singlenessI didn't feel like I was missing
something because I was willingto be open to what God had for
(20:24):
me in these really richfriendships.
Jess (20:28):
That's because, whether you're married or single, god
doesn't waste anything.
Find hope and inspiration withJess's Daily Devotion.
Steph (20:37):
Check out jessdailydevocom or search
Jess's Daily Devotion whereveryou listen to podcasts.
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