Hot & Grounded with Board Certified Sexologist | Dr. Diane Mueller

Want a relationship that lasts and still feels electric? We sat down with Dr. Diane Mueller, a board-certified sexologist with dual doctorates in Naturopathic Medicine and Acupuncture & Oriental Medicine, to unpack the science and practice of keeping monogamy hot and deeply connected. Her story starts with unexpected healing through pleasure and expands into a research-backed framework for building resilient intimacy without shame or guesswork.

We dig into desire mismatch and why the “meet in the middle” approach leaves both partners unsatisfied. You’ll learn a simple values-and-pie-chart exercise that exposes whether your calendar actually reflects what you claim to value. From there we make the case for scheduling intimacy once a week, not to kill spontaneity, but to protect it—because you already “scheduled” sex when you were dating. Dr. Diane clarifies a crucial distinction: desire is of the mind, arousal is of the body. Men often feel desire first; women frequently need arousal before the mind says “yes,” especially under stress. That insight reshapes foreplay, pacing, and expectations.

We explore hot and modern monogamy—keeping the stability of partnership while actively tending to emotional intimacy, physical touch, and sexual play. Expect practical tools: erotic reprogramming to rebuild safety after a lull, mindfulness techniques that anchor you in sensation, and a “name it, don’t shame it” script for sharing fantasies without getting shut down. We also break common myths: most women need clitoral stimulation to climax, men gain oxytocin bonding during foreplay, and both partners prefer 17 to 19 minutes of warm-up more than pop culture suggests. Novelty matters too; treat your sex life like learning new chords on a guitar to avoid repeating the same tired script.

If you’re ready to close the orgasm gap, defuse stress, and fall back in love with your own chemistry, this conversation delivers clear steps you can use tonight. Subscribe, share with a partner, and leave a review to tell us what you’ll try first.

Connect with Dr Diane Mueller :

- Through her book - Want to Want It / https://mylibidodoc.com/want-to-want-it/

- Or through her website - https://mylibidodoc.com/products/

Let's connect on social media! You can find me @ _journeytowell
Be sure to reach out and say hello 🤍

Book your Intro to Human Design Chart Reading here!
Ready to dive deep? Explore our signature 1:1 coaching experiences ALIGN or EMBODY here!

Craving guidance, expansion or growth? Let's connect.
https://journeytowell.net
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be well, my friend
xx Hannah

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (01:11):
Hello.
Welcome back to the podcastJourney to Well.
So I was just telling Dr.
Diane, I'm like, I am so excitedto talk to you.
I've been telling all of myfriends that this is gonna like
this is my favorite topic totalk about.
This is my favorite um topic toapproach because we don't talk
about sex enough.

(01:33):
And I've had a sex therapist onthe podcast before, which if you
haven't listened to that, golisten to Emma.
Um, but you are uh Dr.
Diane is a board-certifiedsexologist with dual doctorates
in naturopathic medicine andacupuncture and oriental
medicine.
And we are here to talk aboutyour book that's coming out,

(01:54):
probably already out by the timethis podcast airs.
Um and we are here to talk aboutthe conversation of sex and open
that up.
And and one of the things Ireally love about you is that
you really love to talk aboutsustainable monogamous
relationships, which I thinkwhen we talk about sex,

(02:17):
oftentimes it ends up being likemaybe exploring like polygamy or
or different things.
Um, so I really love the flavorof your what lights you up in in
your business.
Um, but before we get to all ofthat good stuff, let's do a
little introduction, let's heara little bit of you and what

(02:38):
brought you into this field,especially with your double
doctorate that has nothingseemingly to do with sex.
Um, thank you so much for comingon.
And yeah, I will hand the reinsover to you to introduce
yourself however you would like.

SPEAKER_01 (02:53):
Thank you.
I will introduce myself with acouple quick stories here.
And the first one is how I gotinterested in sex, and the
second one is how I decided totalk about this publicly because
very, two very different things.
So it was really interesting.
I first got interested in thetopic of sex long before I even

(03:14):
was in medical school, or years,I should say, before I was in
medical school, when I was about20 years old, and I was having
this really crazy vulvar pain,and it was like keeping me up at
night.
It was really um, reallyimpacting my health.
And like I said, this was beforeI went to medical school.
So I didn't know anything aboutmedicine.

(03:34):
I went to doctors, ran tests,everything was normal, but it
was just like, well, what isdriving me kind of baddie with
this pain?
And one day I started talking tomy roommate at the time, and she
handed me a book that shocked mebecause I had a very, very
religious upbringing in it.
Like self-pleasure was taught tome as like very, very bad and

(03:55):
wrong.
So she handed me this bookcalled Sex for One by Betty
Dodson.
And it was shocking to me,right?
Because this was like somethingthat I would never consider
doing.
But one night I'm reading thisin my Volvar Pain, and in the
book, Betty talks about how shewas finding that people, when
they self-pleasured, when theymasturbated, that pain was going

(04:16):
away.
So one desperate evening, Itried it for the first time
ever.
And oh my God, Hannah, like thepain totally went away.
Came back the next night, triedit again, pain went away.
And so I did this a few nightsin a row, and then the pain was
just totally gone, never cameback.
And so that was definitely likethe first thing that really

(04:36):
opened me up to something that Isay a lot through my book, which
is pleasure is not just aboutdesire, but something that we
require.
Because it really opened up thequestion for me of what it, what
it, why are we given this giftof pleasure?
Why do we have a clitoris aswomen that literally has zero
purpose other than pleasure?

(04:57):
So my study, my work, all ofthat with it was all has just
been for two and almost two anda half decades behind closed
doors.
Um, just being like, okay, thisis just like my hobby of what
I'm reading about for fun and myown life and to help me with my
relationship, that sort ofthing.
But uh a few years ago, when Iwent through a divorce and

(05:19):
really went through the traumaof that, and that was like uh
just after that, the Harvardstudy came out, and the Harvard
study showed it was an85-year-long study, and it
looked at water and exercise andfood and genetics and you know,
gut, microbiome, all thesedifferent factors, and looked at

(05:39):
what was the leading thing thatwould actually not just lead to
better, like to happier lives orto longer lives, but to happier,
better lives.
Out of everything they looked atover 85 years, the evidence was
conclusive and the answer wasrelationships.
And really having been fueled bydivorce and you know, and really

(06:00):
wanting to make a difference andhelp people prevent against that
and knowing the importance ofrelationships and knowing that
lack of intimacy is one of thetop five reasons why couples get
divorced.
That really is what started meon my mission.
And the mission now is toimprove a million relationships.
So that's what I'm doing.

(06:20):
That's why I'm here talking toyou.
That's why I wrote mywant-to-want it book.
And, you know, and that's reallywhy I do the work I do is to
just help couples have morepassion in their lives.
And, you know, with my medicalbackground, it's like really
primed me to, you know, be inresearch and to understand like
like what is the science andlook at like the science behind
desire and the science behindlibido and say, okay, how can we

(06:44):
do this from like a verytactile, pleasure-filled thing,
you know, way, because it isabout pleasure, but how can we
actually also look and like, youknow, kind of hack sex, so to
speak, from a scientific way aswell?

SPEAKER_00 (06:56):
Interesting conversation topic.
And I love one of the thingsthat we kind of talked about
when we first chatted was thisdesire mismatch and exploring
that.
And I'm curious if you can kindof expound upon that for us.

SPEAKER_01 (07:14):
Yeah, absolutely.
And it's a really important, youknow, conversation, which is why
it came up last time we chatted,because it's one of the number
one things that couples thatwill actually drive couples to
have problems with theirintimacy life.
It's one couple is way moreinterested, or one partner is
way more interested in the otherpartner.
Um, you know, and sometimes it'ssometimes it's the one,

(07:36):
sometimes the other.
It can flip through at lifetime.
And the way couples are often,you know, try to navigate this
is something like, well, okay,well, I want it, you know, every
day or I want it every week, andyou want it three times a year.
So we're gonna meet in themiddle and have it like once a
month.
And what winds up happening whencouples try to do that is like
one partner is always having,like, or most of the time having

(07:58):
like obligatory sex, you know,just like having it because
they're trying to like, youknow, feed the relationship and
and do that.
And the other person is alsolike not getting their needs
met.
So it's like, while I do verymuch agree with people when they
say that like compromise is avery important skill to have in
relationships, when it comes tothe way that's applied to desire

(08:20):
mismatch, oftentimes it reallyleaves this kind of problem with
you know, with what I'm I'msharing here.
So there's lots to be said here.
But one of the first things thatreally helps couples, and like I
have a six-week course on this.
And the first step that Ioftentimes give people is that

(08:40):
helps kind of with like thatmotivation to even take a
further step is to do this, isto actually write out a values
list of the top things that youvalue the most in your life.
And any relationship expert willsay that, you know, right at the
top should be you, your partner,and any sort of spiritual, you

(09:01):
know, God, energy, universe, anysort of spiritual thing that you
believe in.
And those are the three thatshould be at the top.
And then children and work andall those other things should
fall right under that, right?
And so write out your valueslist and then make a pie chart.
And in the pie chart, put 24pieces of pie representing the
24 hours of the day.

(09:22):
And hopefully seven to nine ofthem are sleeping.
And then what you're doing isyou're filling in the rest of
the pie with what you're doing,and you're looking to see, first
of all, if your partner even hasa piece of the pie.
So before we even get intofixing the desire, before we
even do that, and there's a lotwe can do there.
But the first fundamental stepis saying, like, kind of like

(09:44):
that awareness of like, Houston,we've got a problem, kind of
thing, right?
Like that awareness of do I evenhave and am I even creating
space for my partner to exist inlife?
And what I see is like just likewith our Fitbits, just like, you
know, these data trackingdevices, there's even a great
data tracking device for orgasmsthat okay, and that makes this

(10:08):
data tracking device is reallycool.
And I'm gonna circle back to thequestion here.
Um, but this data trackingdevice is shown, it's a vibrator
and it actually tracks arousaland orgasm.
You can see it on an app on yourphone.
And what they're finding withthe research with this is when
we look at it, when we'retracking it, orgasm quality goes

(10:28):
up and orgasm frequency goes up.
So we're kind of taking thatwith this initial desire
mismatch, like, you know, stufflike that, your Fitbit, your
steps.
Like when we track things, theyimprove.
So it's kind of that first stepwith saying, okay, I have a
problem.
I am saying I value this personthe most, but yet am I actually

(10:49):
allowing them a space into myfield?
Do they have a space in my day?
And that's kind of that initial,like, oh, aha.
Maybe I don't feel like it, butmaybe it is worth putting time
learning how to feel like it,learning how to have this
intimate time with my partnerbecause I'm not even giving them
space in my day.
And I'm saying that I value themthe most.

(11:09):
So that's a good intro step forpeople.

SPEAKER_00 (11:12):
Yeah, that was my question.
So it's it's kind of reflectingon like how much time you're
actually giving them, not howmuch time that you would wish or
would desire to be giving them.

SPEAKER_01 (11:22):
Bingo, exactly, exactly.
And it's like it's one of thosethings, right?
Where it's like an I talk a lotto people about scheduling sex
and scheduling intimacy.
And it's very, you know, somepeople love it, but I get a lot
of pushback on it because thebiggest level of pushback, the
biggest reason is people willsay, like, but I just want it to

(11:43):
be spontaneous.

SPEAKER_00 (11:45):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (11:45):
And, you know, and there's two things I say to
that.
And the first is when we aredating in the beginning, when
things are hot and we're all inthat new relationship energy
fire, that we actually alwaysschedule sex.
We always schedule our intimacybecause we have a date Friday
night, and maybe it's the firsttime we might do it.
And we're like, okay, well, gotto put on the, you know, the

(12:07):
special panties and you know,the great boxers or whatever
they are.
And then we're gonna see themagain in three days.
And like, are we gonna have sexagain?
Like, okay, like my leg shavedor whatever, right?
So we're constantly actuallylargely scheduling it and
scheduling these dates where itwill highly likely happen and
we're kind of planning likethat.
And then when we combine ourlives, we share keys, we move

(12:28):
in, we had buy houses, havekids, all the things.
Then oftentimes that's actuallywhen we stop scheduling it
because it's finally nowsupposed to be spontaneous when
it never was.
Um, and then the second thing iseven if you schedule it, you
know, if you schedule it likeonce a week, which is where we
see in research that couples saythat say they are the like

(12:49):
happiest in their relationship,they tend to have sex on average
about once a week.
And so, you know, so if we'resaying, okay, well, we're gonna
schedule it once a week so wemake sure we get it in, you can
still have all the spontaneoussex you want.
It's not to say like the onedoesn't allow for the other, but
it's to say that if this isn'thappening regularly, then that

(13:10):
is allowing, then you'recreating the space for it, just
like, hey, like I know every daywhen I'm gonna get exercise for
the day.
Like that is in my schedule,right?
And if it's not in my schedule,it's probably not gonna get
done.
And so it's, you know, kind of atwo-part answer is we like the
first thing with the pie chartis really about bringing that
awareness to people of like, ohmy goodness, we have a problem.

(13:32):
Like I say, I value you, but yetI'm not actually attending to
you, that sort of thing.
I'm not attending to us, right?
And then the second phase ishey, okay, well, here's how we I
may start making space for this.
And that's how we, you know,then start bringing up at least
creating the time to work on thedesire and the intimacy.

SPEAKER_00 (13:53):
Yeah, and I'm curious because I I love uh
defining the differences.
I'm curious how you would definethe difference between intimacy
and sex.

SPEAKER_01 (14:08):
I use intimacy um definitely way broadly.
I mean, intimacy we can, youknow, we can talk about
physical, like physicalintimacy, sexual intimacy,
emotional intimacy.
We could even throw mentalintimacy in there.
You know, so I am speaking verybroadly about it.
And initially, like when we workwith things like um like erotic

(14:29):
reprogramming, right?
When we're talking about, okay,well, maybe a couple has not had
sex in months or even years,oftentimes we will start with
more like emotional, physicalintimacy on, you know, kind of
our scheduled intimacy nightsand not even the sexual intimacy
yet, and just kind of take thatoff the table and help couples
just like get used to like whatis it like to be laying naked,

(14:51):
giving each other massageswithout any expectations, right?
And just kind of building upthat safety around that physical
and sensual touch.
So, I mean, there's definitely adifference.
I look at intimacy as like waybroader than just sex.
Yeah.
And so whether, say, a scheduledsex night or a scheduled

(15:11):
intimacy night would be, hey,we're more focusing on one area
of intimacy versus another, inpart is going to be dependent
upon like where the couple is.
I do really see with what I seein surveys around when couples
are reporting to be the happiestin their lives, and what we see
on like the Harvard study on,you know, longevity in

(15:31):
relationships, that from astandpoint of like a good goal
to maintain the relationship formost people, I think is really a
minimum of once a week as a goalfor sex, you know, for true
sexual intimacy.
But that being said, dependingupon where people are, it might
not start there.
It might start as, hey, let'sstart our intimacy date nights
with just like emotionallyconnecting and you know, getting

(15:54):
to know each other, feeling safetogether.
Um, let's move from there intophysical intimacy and and work
on sensual massage andeventually maybe sensual massage
with happy endings.
And we kind of build up thatintimacy back to sexual
intimacy.
But it to me, the word intimacyis definitely way more broad
than just sex.
So I appreciate the question.

SPEAKER_00 (16:14):
Yeah, it's such an interesting conversation topic
because I've definitely metpeople that like they they kind
of just equate intimacy with sexand having that conversation of
there's so many different waysthat we can be intimate, and
there's so many different formsof intimacy, and almost like
inviting that invitation toexplore different kinds without,

(16:37):
like you said, I think that wasreally important, without the
expectation of sex.
Because the other thing that Iwant to touch on here, and then
I do want to get to like myquestions that I had reading
your book, but the other thingthat I want to touch on is that
conversation topic of like I'mtoo stressed out, or I don't

(16:59):
feel like maybe I don't have thedesire to have sex.
I'm not sure that I've everreally heard the conversation
topic of like I don't have thedesire to be intimate or like
have like explore intimacy, butlike to actually have sex, um,
whether that's coming from theman or the woman, but I would
also love to like maybe get yourtake on how women tend to have

(17:22):
more of that or need more ofthat emotional connection.
So, and I know for me, ofcourse, when I'm super busy,
like it's just not really thefirst thing on my mind.
Um and it's yeah, it's it's beenmore difficult in the past, like
with different partners, ifthey're not the ones that are

(17:42):
kind of to initiate it when whenI am in a very like stressful
season or stretch of of myschedule.

SPEAKER_01 (17:51):
Yeah, it's it's the point that I think is super
important to bring up here isthere is like what you're saying
is so common, right?
And it is tends to be morecommon for women that when women
get overwhelmed and stressed,and that we like the way
estrogen works in the brain isdoes not allow for the same
level of compartmentalizationthat a testosterone-dominant

(18:13):
brain has.
So it is a lot easier for men,largely when they are busy and
when they have a long to-dolist, to be like, okay, to-do
list here on the shelf, focus onmy beautiful goddess walking
across the kitchen.
That is just so beautiful.
And yes, I want to have sex withher.
Like that, not saying thatstress doesn't affect them too.
It definitely can.
And we can see things like umlike erectile dysfunction happen

(18:36):
for some men with stress.
So it can definitely impact, butthat kind of desire of I am
interested, stress has tends tohave a much less impact more
commonly on men than women.
And part of the reason for thisis very commonly for men, desire
happens first before arousal.
And for women, arousal happensbefore desire.

(19:00):
So since you are um loving todefine things as I do, let's
talk about what I mean by thesewords.

SPEAKER_00 (19:07):
Yes, please.

SPEAKER_01 (19:09):
So desire, when we're talking about desire,
we're talking about of the mind.
We're talking about arousal,we're talking about of the body.
So I'll give you the maleexample and then I'll give you
the female example.
So the male example is wow, mybabe is walking across the
kitchen, she looks so beautiful.
Oh, wow.
I am kind of turned on.

(19:30):
Okay, that's what he's thinking.
That's in the mind, that isdesire, desires of the mind.
And then he has a, ifeverything's working correctly,
a fast response of his blood tohis penile tissue.
He gets an erection.
Now he's feeling his body.
Now he's aroused.
So the mind, the desire ishappening before the body gets
aroused.
And so often with like thingslike desire mismatch, when you

(19:53):
know, when somebody isoverwhelmed, especially when the
female is overwhelmed, one ofthe biggest problems is they and
she are oftentimes waiting forthe mind to kick on and say, I'm
horny, I want you.
But even in non-stressful times,more commonly for the woman,
arousal kicks on first.
It doesn't always, right?

(20:13):
Women have a much more diverseway that they can actually kind
of get turned on.
But many times for women, thearousal happens first.
And so this is like, well, I'mnot in the mood.
I have 17,000 things to do on myto-do list.
Like, I can't even feel my bodyright now.
Like, you know, like, are youkidding me?
But this is where if he sayssomething like, honey, go lay

(20:35):
down, do some breath work.
I'm gonna do the dishes, just golay in bed and just relax.
I'm gonna come up and I'm justgonna give you a massage.
And now she's like getting it,she's breathing now she's
getting a massage and it's goingon, and she's just breathing and
relaxing.
And then all of a sudden, maybehe strokes his hand and it like
goes over her butt.

(20:56):
And all of a sudden, she mighthave this feeling of like, or
this thought in her mind aroundlike, oh wow, that actually
feels kind of good.
So, what's happening there isher body is getting aroused, and
as her body is feeling thesensations, then the desire
kicks on.
And this can even go furthersometimes for women.
Like this is this has happenedto me.

(21:17):
Um, I am definitely aproductivity woman, so I'm
really glad I know this stuff.
Because what can happen for awoman to even take it further is
she starts to have sex and she'slike not really that into it,
but she's just like, I'm gonnashow up and and do this.
And you know, some minutes aregoing by, she's still not fully
in her body, and then all of asudden, actually, like she's
realizing it like feels good,and that's when she's starting

(21:41):
to get aroused.
And then towards the end, shemight even say something to him,
like, that was actually reallygreat.
Why don't we do that more often?
And that's like, because at thatend, that desire is kind of
that's when that desire'skicking in.
So for women, especially when weare stressed out, oftentimes,
and again, this isgeneralization, so there are

(22:01):
exceptions, of course, butoftentimes, like if they're
going to engage intimately,which actually can really help
her with her stress, what shemight need is 20, 30, 40 minutes
of touch without anypenetration, anything like that,
to just help her drop into herbody and actually let go of all
that stuff and feel thesensations of her body, because

(22:23):
she is not going to respond asquickly, especially since her
desire map is very, verydifferent than his.

SPEAKER_00 (22:29):
Hmm.
That I've never actually heardthat explained in that way.
And that makes so much sensebecause I've done, I do a lot of
somatic work in my business andobviously personally as well.
And whenever I haveconsistently, even just a couple
minutes a day tuned into mybody, I find that like because

(22:50):
pleasure, and I know that I'msure you have a much more
eloquent way to describe it, butum pleasure is not just like the
feelings that you have duringsex.
So anytime that I've had aconsistent somatic practice or
like a way to drop into my body,I feel that I just feel more

(23:10):
pleasure in different wavesthroughout the whole day.
And that really makes sense,even how you just explain that
of women have the arousal firstand then the desire.
I'm curious though, like everytime, and this is just me kind
of playing devil's advocate, butevery time I hear somebody say,
like, oh yeah, it might takelike 20, 30, 40 minutes for a

(23:32):
woman to get warmed up, as theymight call it.
Um I know that I've hadconversations with males that
are like, there's no way, like,like, oh, I everyone else that
I've ever had sex with just likecomes in like five minutes or
like just comes from like fiveminutes of stimulation and then

(23:52):
I can just stick it in.
Or um, even with females too,like again, going back to when
you're feeling really busy, whenyou're feeling really stressed,
like, oh my god, 40 minutes justto get to the place where I
might be able to climax, that'sa big time commitment.
What are some things that youkind of share and and exercise

(24:14):
through there?

SPEAKER_01 (24:15):
Oh, I want I'm gonna say something and I might uh I
might get a rise out of some ofyour audience members for what
I'm gonna say.
So I hope this is okay.
Um honestly, so what we see alsoin sex studies is that only 18
to 30 percent of women can evenorgasm vaginally only.

SPEAKER_00 (24:36):
Yeah, right?

SPEAKER_01 (24:38):
Yeah so if women are saying they are orgasming in
five minutes or less, I'm notsaying it can't happen, but I am
saying a lot of them areprobably faking it.
Wow, and and that's what is Iknow is gonna get some pushback.
Yeah, but um, because I it is ahard thing for people to wrap
their head around.
But here's the thing this isalso one of the reasons why so

(25:02):
many women stop becominginterested in sex.
And I was just interviewing aman on my podcast about this,
you know, and from the maleperspective, I asked him the
same question, and he actuallysaid the same thing that I do,
which is that if you're findingthat the woman is not as
interested in sex and like whyis it going away?
It's because you do this enoughtimes and she's actually not

(25:22):
getting her needs met and she'snot having these amazing
orgasms.
Like we even see research, likewhen a woman has really profound
orgasms, the oxytocin goes up inher brain and the oxytocin goes
up to a level that the brainactually says, I want more of
that.
But if she's faking the orgasmsand she's not getting that level
of oxytocin, she's not gonnacome back and say, I want more

(25:43):
of it because she's not havingher brain changed that way.
So I'm not, you know, it's like,yes, of course, women can get
off with quickies.
Of course, that can happen,right?
I'm not gonna like say by anymeans that it doesn't, but we've
been too long programmed bymovies and porn.
And a lot of women wind upfaking it because one, they know
their partner will feel like amore of a man if she gets off.

(26:07):
And because we've seen so manymovies that say we're supposed
to get off in two to fiveminutes, that we think that if
we don't, oftentimes peoplethink there's something wrong
with them and they don't want toadmit that.
So it's just like, well, okay,well, he's about done.
Let's just wrap this up and moveon.
And so I do, I really, and I saythis in my book too, uh, and you

(26:28):
know, with grand apologies,because I know it will, you
know, you know, definitely pisspeople off.
But I'm okay with ruffling somefeathers because my goal is to
help people get closer.
And we have to, it's like, wehave to get over this.
Hey, there's a a you know, threeto five minute goal for this,
because the way she's gonna comeback and want it more and more

(26:50):
is if it's like the one of themost profound things.
And she's like, wow, thischanges my life, right?
This is making me a betterhuman.
This is making me moreresilient, this is making me
less stressed out, this ishelping me think better, this is
building my bones.
Like we see that oxytocin forwomen prevents osteoporosis, it
can help build our bones.

(27:10):
So there's so many healthbenefits that she's missing out
on by not actually, you know,getting to that point.
And and so I think it's worth,you know, taking the risk.
And I hope uh, you know, if youget any backlash, you can just
direct it to me.
Um I don't want it to be on you,but I but I do think it's just
important to mention because Ithink there's so many men that

(27:31):
are thinking that and reallyit's doing a disservice not only
to women, but it's doing adisservice to them too, because
they, if they want her comingback more and more, the thing to
learn is to have like, you know,our clitoris, for example, like
this is my clitoris picture.
And so for those of you that areum listening and not watching, I

(27:52):
encourage you to come back andwatch the video so you can see
this because we think of it asthis little nub, right?
Which is just that part that wecan see, but it's like a
wishbone.
So it extends all the way down,like and runs um in our vulva in
part uh just below our innerlabia.
And and so we're missing if wethis is like some of the area

(28:13):
that will turn a woman on themost, and oftentimes we're
missing it because we're just soexcited about intercourse and
that penetration.
So, in order to become a betterlover, which is I'm, you know,
what I'm interested in helpingpeople do, we have to get around
this penile, you know, onlything.
I mean, you know, that's stillgreat, you know, penile sex is
still great, but it's really alot broader than that.

(28:35):
And um, the other thing withthat is that when it comes to
like, oh, okay, well, how do Ihave time for this?
Which was the other part of yourquestion, that's another reason
to schedule it.
You know, that's another reasonto say, hey, one day a week, I
am putting this on my schedule.
We're blocking an hour and weare just taking it slow and we

(28:57):
are just enjoying each other'sbodies and we are just learning
and we are deeply, I mean,that's really what making love
is.
And if a man's like, okay, well,how, you know, how long, how can
I last that long?
comes up a lot too.
Like, how can I last that long?
And the average man lasts aboutfive minutes long.
Um, but there are manytechniques, some of which I

(29:19):
teach on how to actually lastlonger, where it's very, very
possible, and I know this soundscrazy to some men, but it's very
possible to train your body tolast 40 minutes, 50 minutes, 60
minutes.
Um, and women can help with thattoo.
Like we can help our men dothat.
And so it can last that long.
And it's, you know, it's likecalculated.
There are times where it's like,okay, we're slowing it down,

(29:42):
we're breathing, we're taking abreak, we're relaxing, right?
So it's not, we're not just likepushing straight to the finish
line.
But if we don't schedule it, youknow, when it's 10 o'clock at
night and we're throwingourselves in bed or later and we
got to get out up and you know,it feels like not that many
hours and we're exhausted fromour day, yeah, of course at that
point, like we're not going tohave sex like that.

(30:04):
Like it's it's a lot easier tosay, okay, well, it's 10 a.m.
Saturday morning or it's 8 a.m.
Saturday morning before kids getout of bed or five o'clock, you
know, Friday night, have ababysitter come over and we're
gonna spend an hour doing thisbefore we go out, right?
And and and doing that.
And that's the benefit ofscheduling it.

SPEAKER_00 (30:22):
I love that.
And just another way to approachthat scheduling feels like not
fun or not spontaneous.
And I also loved what you saidabout like we always used to,
like in the beginning of therelationship, we're actually
scheduling sex.
I never thought about thatperspective either.
Yeah.
Um, so let's get into your booka little bit.
So, what I did, just solisteners kind of know, because

(30:45):
it's gonna be maybe a little bitchoppy, I don't know, maybe
it'll be very eloquent.
But um, I read your book and Ijust went through and kind of
made some notes that reallystood out to me.
There's a quote that I want toread eventually.
Um, but one of the beginningpieces of your book, you're
talking, of course, aboutmonogamy, and you have this
really fun term called hot andmodern monogamy.

(31:08):
So I really want you To touch onthat.
But my question then was do younot agree with polygamy then?
Like what are your stances onthat?
But first, please define what ishot and modern monogamy, because
that sounds like a drink that Idon't have.

SPEAKER_01 (31:25):
Yeah, I mean, it's if we look at like traditional
monogamy and how traditionalmonogamy is defined.
So from a contrast perspective,traditional monogamy and the way
it's talked about historicallyis all about structure.
It's all about stability.
It's all about both peoplehaving their place and their
role so they can come togetherand basically work together to

(31:47):
provide a stable and structuredfamily unit and you know,
division of jobs.
You look back into like whenmonogamy is talked about
historically, it doesn't sayanything about passion.
It is like monogamy and marriageand all of that is really just
about how can we raise the kids,how can we both co-work to like,

(32:08):
you know, raise the farm, do thehouse, whatever it was, and have
a sustainable life.
And that was the purpose ofmarriage, and that was the
purpose of monogamy.
And so I think there's beauty inthat, right?
I think there's beauty in um,you know, some of these values
around, hey, let's worktogether, let's be teammates,
let's, you know, co-createvalues, let's raise a family of

(32:32):
beautiful beings.
Like, so the idea of hot andmodern monogamy is like, okay,
let's take all of that, let'stake the good parts and let's
add on to it now, talking aboutkeeping the relationship alive.
So that looks at your emotionalhealth and the emotional
intimacy, that looks at thephysical intimacy and that looks
at the sexual intimacy andreally looks at some of the

(32:54):
things we're talking about todayto say what is actually driving
desire and to, you know, keepingthat passion alive while we are
also making sure that, you know,you're raising kids and doing
anything that the couple mightdecide they want to do.

SPEAKER_00 (33:07):
I do, yeah.
So one of the things that I havealways said in my relationships,
uh intimate relationships, is Iwant I like I want to be the one
that is exploring all of yourcuriosities or desires or
whatever you want to fetishes,kinks, whatever you want to call

(33:28):
them, but even just likecuriosities.
Um, and I want you to be able tocome to me and feel safe enough
to express that desire becausesometimes, again, depending on
like the information that weconsume, we think it's weird if
like we do anything with ourfeet, or we think it's weird if
we do something in the shower,whatever it is.

(33:50):
Um, and that's been reallyimportant in in my relationships
because I do really agree withthe idea of like we can
co-create this really fun andsexy and hot and modern uh
relationship that when that's Ifeel my perspective is that when

(34:12):
we don't feel that we cancommunicate with our partner and
have those explorations at leastconsidered or curiosities
considered, that's one of thethings that might lead to
cheating.
Um so how do we how do we buildthat foundation of honest

(34:33):
communication?
And you know, I'm imagining thishasn't necessarily really
happened to me, but I'm I knowthat this has happened.
Like I'm imagining like somebodyhas this like really maybe quote
wild desire, and however youwant to explore that in your
mind, fill in the blank, andthen they come to their partner,
right?
And like they're either laughedat or judged or like completely

(34:56):
shut down.
Um so how do we build thatstrong foundation of creating
that safety around you canreally come to me and and at
least be heard?

SPEAKER_01 (35:08):
It doesn't mean that it has to happen, but yeah, it's
a really important question,something I talk about in my
work, in my book, and and I'mgonna go into it in a lot more
detail in um this the firstsequel, so part two of the book,
um, which is what I call nameit, don't shame it.
And so the one of the biggestthings I advise people if you're

(35:30):
gonna share a fantasy, is tobefore you share it, have the
first conversation should besomething like, hey, I'm gonna
share something with you aboutmy inner world, my fantasy.
And if you're not into it,that's okay.
But if you don't like it, here'show I want you to respond.

(35:50):
So we actually cut that offbefore it even happens by
saying, Hey, if you don't likewhat I say, can you can you
respond what with somethinglike, you know, babe, I'm not
really that interested, but Ireally love that your fantasy
life is like so alive.
I don't know if it works for me,but you know, can you tell me a
little bit more about it?
And you have to make it likeagreed upon.

(36:11):
It has to, that's an example,and that might not be the
example that works for, youknow, any specific couple.
But as an example, it's like youtalk about that ahead of time.
So then the person that'slistening knows if they're
listening, they're listeningfrom a point of curiosity.
They are already given an out.
It's very clear that they theyknow, like, hey, I'm not, I

(36:31):
don't have to participate inthis.
And now they can just listenfrom a, oh, I'm just learning
more about my partner, and thisis how I need to respond in
order to respect them.
So that's usually how we want todo that.
Um, I have a yes, no, maybechecklist on my website.
It's I also mentioned in my bookas well.
It's at mysexdoc.com, which is aa kind of like a fantasy and

(36:56):
novelty checklist where peoplecan go through.
And it's like kind of a niceintro to these conversations
too, to be like, okay, you know,date night, let's do this
checklist and let's sit.
And like the whole idea of likethe yes, no, maybes is to see
where you have yeses that arelike, wow, you could be into
that, so could I.
And to be, you know, also seelike where you have maybes.

(37:18):
Cause sometimes with certainfantasies, it's like, well, I
don't know, but if theparameters were like X, Y, Z,
then maybe I would be willing toexplore that.
And I also want to name thatsome fantasies really should
exist in the fantasy world,right?
I think it's a really importantthing to realize that some
things that seem hot in the mindand might be great for turning

(37:40):
people on when they actuallythink when people actually say
play them out in real life, itmight not actually turn out to
be what they think.
Um, but that's usually the wayto do it is to start with like a
name it, don't shame it.
Here's how we're gonna have thisconversation.
Here's how you can reply to meif you're not into this.
And and you negotiate that aheadof time before you even share,

(38:00):
you know, the fantasy.

SPEAKER_00 (38:03):
And is this how we, when we're kind of talking about
creating sustainable monogamousrelationships, is this one of
the best ways to extend thelongevity of our sex lives is is
by exploring other things, liketo kind of get out of that?

(38:24):
Is it like to get out of a rutor to avoid the rut?

SPEAKER_01 (38:28):
Well, if it's to expand the sexual script, you
know, the way the way I like toexplain it is I use the analogy
of playing a guitar a lot whereit's like, okay, if somebody's
learning guitar and they learn aD chord for the first time and
they have it strumming justright where the chords sound
beautiful and it's like sounds,it's really exciting.
You can start a differentstrumming pattern and it feels
like wow, I'm doing something.
And then you throw in a G chordand then you throw in a C, and

(38:51):
now you have three basic chordsthat a lot of songs are based
upon, and you start feelinglike, wow, there's so much I can
do, and I can do all thesedifferent things.
But if that person, you know,that was really excited about
mastering these three chores anda few strumming patterns, and
while there's so much excitementabout that in the beginning, if
they basically that's like thesame thing, they're the same way

(39:13):
they're playing a guitar 20, 30,40 years later, it's gonna lose
kind of its thrill, right?
So what do we do?
We're expand and we say, okay,well, I'm gonna learn different
chords, I'm gonna learn minorchords, I'm gonna learn bar
chords, I'm gonna learn somefinger picking, and we expand,
you know, the way we areinteracting with this
instrument.
And so the same thing happens aslike we're creatures of habit,

(39:34):
you know, it's like we aredestined to the sexual script,
which is I kiss you this way,you kiss me that way, I do this
act, you do that act, we do thisposition, that position.
And every couple left to theirown devices generally goes into
this, and they might have two orthree sexual scripts, you know,
DCG, and they just do them onrepeat.
So part of keeping it hot andpart of hot and not a monogamy

(39:58):
is a level of exploration tosay, how do we bring in novelty
in a way that is both of ouragreements, that works for both
of us, that, you know, issomething we're talking about in
advance and is safe for bothpeople and is not pushing an
edge beyond what feels good toboth people, but still allows
for some level of novelty andexcitement to just get people

(40:19):
out of the C, the D, and the G.

SPEAKER_00 (40:22):
Yeah, I love that.
So this is going back a littlebit more to um exploring
intimacy and not just having tojump right into the act of like
penetrative sex.
Um, but you talk a lot about inyour book uh the experience of
practicing mindfulness duringsex and intimacy.

(40:43):
Can you explain that and thenshare a little bit of your
experience with that?

SPEAKER_01 (40:48):
Yeah, I mean, you already kind of set us up well
for this answer with what youwere saying about just kind of
um going through it the day andand experiencing pleasure and
other things.
So pleasure is that the practiceof pleasure is directly
connected to the practice ofbeing present.
And so if I'm, you know, theeasy answer example for people

(41:11):
to understand is food, right?
So if we're sitting down andlet's say we're driving and
eating, and we're rushed to ourmeeting and there's traffic and
there's stoplights and we'rejust trying to eat as fast as we
can, and like all of a suddenthe food's gone and we're on
with our day.
You know, oftentimes people,that's like the example of like,
I don't even remember eating.
Like it's like people like, youknow, sit down and do this, they

(41:31):
look at their plate, and I'vedone it, I get this.
And it's like, where'd my foodgo?
Right.
It's not mindful eating.
And so there's no, there's notlike the pleasure in that.
That's not a pleasure-filledexperience.
But if I and so sex is the sameway, like it is literally
impossible to have an orgasm.
In fact, a great way for a manto last longer, and a technique

(41:52):
that a lot of men have taught mewhen I've interviewed them, um,
that last a long time is tochange the focus.
So it's like, okay, like, youknow, you're so hot, you're so
hot, you're so hot, and likegetting closer, and then you
change the focus to somethingthat is like, I'm gonna stare at
that picture over there for asecond and like break state,
right?

(42:12):
Um, and so that's like one thingthat can help a man last longer,
right?
Because the practice of pleasureis connected to the packed
practice of presence.
So we go outside, you know, thepresent moment, and all of a
sudden the pleasure drops andand men can sustain longer.
And so the idea with sex is likeif the mind is constantly

(42:33):
wandering to the list, to thejobs, like, you know, sometimes
when I've done live events and Iask, you know, people to, you
know, raise their hand or typein the chat if they've um ever
uh thought about the grocerylist during sex and like the
large amount of people, right?
It is, and it's like, and soit's important to like realize

(42:55):
that this is normal, right?
And that the whole practice ofthis is just like just like
meditation.
It's like like people when I'velike taught, I actually have a
certificate in meditation.
I've meditated for many, many,many years.
And when we're, you know, peoplewill will um say to me when I've
taught meditation things like,well, I can't meditate.
And it's like, well, why?

(43:16):
And they'll say, like, well,because my mind wanders.
And then the question is like,do you notice your mind
wandering?
And they're like, Yeah.
And if you're noticing your mindwandering, you're actually
meditating because the practiceis noticing.
And even if it takes you fiveminutes, 10 minutes, 20 minutes,
and like, oh wow, my mind'swandering.
Okay, back to my breath.
And the same thing's true withsex.
It's like, oh, it's like, okay,it's just a practice of presence

(43:38):
as a mindfulness activity.
So the mind wanders and it'sthinking about the list.
Okay, I'm gonna actively noticethat.
As soon as I notice it, I'mgonna come back and just feel my
partner's touch.
And the more we do that, themore we actually are attuned to
our body and the faster we getback and the less, I mean, our
mind wanders.
But it's in my my mind, it'slike the best mindfulness-based

(44:01):
activity because you can't enjoypleasure.
You can't enjoy that meal, thatchocolate cake, sex, any of it
if you're not present.

SPEAKER_00 (44:09):
Hmm.
I have such a random question,but I've always thought about
this when we're talking aboutpresence because again, I I I
deeply study and resonate beingin the present moment and
mindfulness and all of thisstuff.
So when we are having sex andormasturbating, and we are
fantasizing or like thinkingback to a really hot like sex

(44:35):
encounter that you had, oryou're fantasizing something
else when you're experiencingthat pleasure.
To me, I'm like, is this bad?
Because I'm not in the presentmoment anymore, technically,
because I'm back in my mind andI'm thinking about that thing or
that encounter.
So, what are your thoughts onthat?

SPEAKER_01 (44:56):
My thoughts is it's not totally black and white.
You know, there's definitelymoments where we're making love.
And if like we're making loveand all of a sudden a flashback
is going like all of a sudden toor with our current partner to
another time, it's like, oh,that was beautiful.
Like that can actually be likewe're still kind of in the
moment with that person, right?
So that's very, very differentthan being like, I'm thinking

(45:19):
about the grocery list.
And you know, this is myopinion, right?
This is like, this is it's notlike there's a scientific rule
on what's right or wrong.
So I just want to name that thisis like my opinion around like,
like some of how I I base myopinion on this is this making
the moment and my connectionwith my partner?
Am I is it bringing my heart, isit bringing my connection deeper

(45:42):
with my partner, or is itactually taking me out of the
present moment?
And that I like that to me isone of like the biggest
distinctions.
And it's like, oh, a flash oflike a memory of like this other
moment with my partner comes inmy mind while we're making love.
And it's like, oh man, like thisis he's so sexy and like and
like all these things, and it'smaking me like like want him

(46:03):
even more, right?
That's beautiful in my mind.
But if it's like one of thosethings where it's like now I'm
out in la la land and I'mdisconnected from him, that to
me is a different thing.
So, you know, I think we allhave to come up with like our
own value system here and likewhat is important to us.
But from my value system andlike what I really like to teach

(46:24):
is that like any of this,because my work is really how
can we be closer together?
How can we grow closer on ourlove, our intimacy, and all of
that?
And if I'm checking out andbeing like, okay, well, I'm not
even present, I'm not even likefocused on him, then that to me
is like a disconnect versus ifit's you know, if it's bringing
us closer, then it's like, oh,that's the that's actually the

(46:45):
connection.

SPEAKER_00 (46:46):
That's beautiful.
Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 (46:49):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (46:49):
So I have a I have a quote from the book that um
really again just ties back intothat intimacy and um and and
exploring other ways to beintimate besides just again, I
guess the the penetrative sex.
So um page 44, if anyone has thebook or is getting the book, uh,
this is very interestinginformation to me because

(47:12):
there's a belief oftentimes thatforeplay is more important to
females.
While females do need more timefor arousal, as we talked about.
Um, most men get the oxytocinreleased during this foreplay
stage.
Therefore, the use of thischemical for health and stress
reduction is obtained moreduring foreplay than orgasm for

(47:33):
men.
Foreplay is something that isgreat for both women and men.
So interesting.
I had never heard that before.
I have heard some fun factsabout like yeah, chemicals being
released at different times formen and women, but that that men
have more oxytocin releasedduring foreplay.

(47:54):
So are do women have moreoxytocin released during the
orgasm, like we talked aboutbefore?

SPEAKER_01 (48:00):
Correct.
Yeah, yeah.
Men actually during orgasm, theyhave a lot more of a chemical
vasopressin release.
Vasopressin also releases formen when they do like they
conquer things together.
So, like that's like thought tobe one of the things in like
team sports for men, like thebonding might be also like a

(48:22):
vasopressin bond, but they theydo get some oxytocin, but they
have a huge amount ofvasopressin released at orgasm.
Yeah.
And the other thing that's sointeresting about foreplay that
you probably saw in there isthat that, you know, with like
what you said, where it's likethought that women want it
longer, that's also a mythaccording to surveys.
Like when surveys are donearound for men and women around

(48:45):
how much they like how long theyactually want foreplay, it's
about 17 to 19 minutes for bothgenders.
So we're actually more overlapthere than we think.
But I think this is anotherexample of like, you know, I
think there's a lot ofassumptions that we make because
of movies and these sorts ofthings around like, oh, we got
to move it along quicker, got tomove it along quicker.

(49:06):
And I think sometimes, and I'veseen this in my own life, like
historically before I know whatI know now, of like feeling like
I should rush it because we gotto get to the big act, and he's
probably not that interested.
And every person's different,right?
And so this is not gonna speakto every person, but in at least
the the research on this, menmost typically want to very
simply also love this part ofit, and it might be the oxytocin

(49:30):
and the bonding component as areason for it.

SPEAKER_00 (49:33):
Hmm.
So interesting.
Yeah, and I and I definitelyhave met both sides of the coin
of people that have reallyenjoyed and really enjoy the
four play stage, and then menwho seem to, yeah, just want
want the five minutes of it.

SPEAKER_01 (49:50):
Right, exactly.
And and women too, right?
And so all of this is like, youknow, all of these are
commonalities andgeneralizations that I use for
teaching purpose.
But the most important thing,and if people are gonna get one
thing out of this, you know,this interview and one thing out
of my book, I think the mostimportant thing really is your
relationship is unique.

(50:11):
And like talking to your partnerabout sex and about foreplay and
about your rules of you know,fantasy and and flirting and
whatever it is, like like allyour needs, wants, preferences,
and desires are unique.
So I tell you averages just togive you a sense, but in in like
the actuality, this is why thatcommunication is so important

(50:33):
because we can have averages atall we want, and nobody's gonna
fall in the average with all thethings.
And, you know, and also just toname real fast, just because I I
don't want to piss off youraudience, you know, when I talk
about the faking it thing, I dowant to name that I'm not saying
that to like make anybody feelbad.
Like, like I'm not saying thatevery person has ever done this
by any means.
All I'm saying when I bring thatup is just trying to bring

(50:57):
awareness to help um both menand women understand like how
much benefit it is to put thistime in and how much it benefits
the woman and how much of thetime she will actually come back
and be more interested in sexand more interested in intimacy,
which benefits both people.
But if this is something thathas happened to anybody, you

(51:20):
know, there's ever, but ifyou've ever faked it, if
somebody has ever faked it foryou, I do not want anybody to
feel any shame around thisbecause it is not anybody doing
anything wrong.
Like it is simply that we arenot talking about this.
And so people don't know.
So I just want to come back tothat too to say, like, whatever
we're saying here, anothermessage is like, please don't

(51:41):
feel shame about anything aroundthis.
Like the biggest thing is like,hey, get the knowledge and learn
how to improve and grow and havebetter sex and be more
communicative with your partner,be better lovers.
But just know that anywhere youare working with, you were
working with the knowledge youhave.
And sadly, this is just not acommon place to talk about.
So, how does anybody know thatit's supposed to be any

(52:03):
different?
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (52:05):
Yeah, and that's really, I think that's the the
huge invitation here.
One of the things that has beenthe most beneficial for me, and
that's just, you know, again,like my opinion, my experience
is is sharing that.
Like, because I have been met inthe past of like, oh, like the

(52:26):
all of the people that I've beenwith in the past, like they've
come this way or they've come inthis amount of time.
And and I talked about this onthe last podcast that I had with
with a sex therapist.
I touched on it, but um, ofcourse, that first of all
creates a lot of shame inyourself.
So that's hard, but that'sthat's somebody else saying it
to you.
You don't have control of that.

(52:48):
What you do have control of, andwhat's really supported me in
this whole process is saying,okay, well, that's them.
Like that, it doesn't evenmatter.
Those are the those are the pastpeople that you've been with.
Everyone is different, just likeeveryone has different hair and
everyone has a different bodytype.
Like, I just don't, whatever,like I don't finish that way, I

(53:10):
don't enjoy it that way, orwhatever it is, like that's just
not me.
And now our invitation is tolearn each other, not
necessarily like, okay, coolthat we all have this past
experience that we come in with,which is awesome.
But that's been reallysupportive for me in kind of
breaking that um that shame orthat judgment.

(53:32):
And yeah, I mean, exactly withthe with the faking it, like you
don't know what you don't know.
And that's why I love havingthese conversations because
again, in my past too, and Ithink we kind of have a similar
because you were you were raisedCatholic, right?

SPEAKER_01 (53:48):
I was, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (53:49):
Okay, so we have a little bit of a similar
background where I I grew uparound a lot of Catholicism and
like same thing, like it's justnot talked about, it's and it's
shamed, and uh the answer isjust not to have sex at all, and
instead of like talking aboutit, and so that's definitely why
I I love having theseconversations is to again, like

(54:13):
you said, not share these umnorms and and have the
expectation of like, okay, it'sbeen past 19 minutes.
I have to like get off thisforeplay.
Like it's not these parameters,it's just sharing kind of what
the research has shown, and thenyou have the opportunity to

(54:33):
explore what feels good to youand what feels good within your
partnership and yourrelationship.
So thank you for all of that.
Um very, very well said.
Oh yeah, no, I think it's reallyimportant.
It's it's important to likereiterate and then reiterate
again.

SPEAKER_01 (54:49):
It is, it is, it's true.

SPEAKER_00 (54:52):
So I have I have a last question, but before I have
the last question, um, ofcourse, please share where
people can connect with you,where people can get your book.
At the time this comes out, yourbook has already been released.
I'm anticipating.
So um actually, okay, so you'relistening to it, her book's
already come out.

(55:12):
Um so where can we get yourbook?
And honestly, it was a very funread for me.
I actually, despite all of theconversations I have about sex,
I don't read books about sexoften.
Um, so it's not like I have, youknow, like this entire pedigree,
but it was really fun and easyand lighthearted and like a lot

(55:34):
of fun invitations.
So highly recommend reading thebook.
Um, but where can listeners alsoconnect with you and find your
other fun content?

SPEAKER_01 (55:43):
Thank you, Hannah.
And thank you so much for theendorsement.
I really appreciate it.
It was really my goal, and thatis continually my goal is like
having these conversationswithout shame, right?
And bringing bringing pleasurein with joy and with ease and um
and working together, gettingback on the same team.
So if you go towanttowantit.com, that is where

(56:04):
you can find my book.
And um, it is on Amazon, butwanttowant.com is where you'll
find all the information and thegoodies about it.
And then I mentioned thevibrator about uh about orgasms,
about orgasm tracking.
That's called the lioness.
And I mentioned my um my yes,no, maybe checklist.

(56:24):
Um, I have other free giveaways.
Like in the book, I talk a lotabout hormones, for example.
And so I have a free libido quizwhere people can uh take this
quiz and get a sense of the rootcauses of their low libido as
well as action steps.
Like in my book and all my work,I'm very into action steps
because nothing changes withthat action.
So the easiest place I havelike, you know, information on

(56:47):
products I recommend, plus a tonof free downloadable content for
people.
And so you can find that athavehotsex.com.
So two easy URLs to rememberwanttowantit.com and
havehotsex.com.

SPEAKER_00 (57:02):
Love it, love it.
And all of those links will ofcourse be in the bottom
description below as well.
So, last question, you and Iwere talking.
Um, you've been on kind of thisPR trip the past couple weeks or
months, and obviously talkingabout your book that is now
released and having a lot of funconversations.
So I'm curious if you can andtake your time kind of

(57:25):
reflecting, but is there onequestion or one topic that you
wish that some of these podcastguests would have or podcast
hosts would have asked you andcoming kind of towards the end
of your of your trip?
Um, what's one thing that you'relike, man, I wish somebody asked
me this?
That would be fun to talk about.

SPEAKER_01 (57:47):
That is such a great question.
Um you know, I think I think inmy mind the question is like,
okay, how personal, because likethere's definitely topics I'm
like, that'd be personal to likefun to talk about, but I also
have agreements with my partnerabout what I say about our
personal life.
Yeah.
So maybe I'll leave that out.

(58:08):
Um you know, one of one of thethings that I think is would be
a really cool question of likeof any novel thing out there,
what is my personal favorite?
And surprisingly, nobody hasasked me that.
And like that is a little bitpersonal, but it doesn't go too

(58:28):
personal.
So um I can answer that.
And that is this crazy device.
Um, this is, I think, the mostgenius thing on the market.
I'm gonna show you guys.
So this is called the Luxus.
I also have it on the um havehot sex website, and I have
coupon codes for a lot of thesethings I talk about.
But what it is, it's this um,it's this tiny little, you can

(58:51):
see how slim it is.
This part goes on the clitoris,and this is like a harness.
So there's one for each side, soit goes on the legs.
And so this is a vibrator, andyou can see how it's like curved
right here, so it like matchesthe body.
But then men wear this cockring, and this cock ring has a
magnet in it.
So she has a vibrator, it worksin like every position, which is

(59:14):
super hard.
Um, because oftentimes, ifyou're bringing a sex toy and
it's like, how do you hold itand how do you do this and how
do you navigate it?
This stays where you want, andbecause it's so sleek and
because it matches her ownbody's pelvis, he can lay on her
and she can move into anyposition and it's comfortable.
And this thing that's a cockring, not only does it make him
harder, last longer, all ofthat, it has a magnet in it, and

(59:38):
the magnet connects to her part.
And when he moves closer to her,it and he goes faster, it
actually makes this vibratemore.
So he has a way with histhrusting that he can actually
control a different level ofpleasure.
So it's just like he gets tostay in this immense amount of
control.

(59:59):
Now she gets all of this extraexcitement.
Now they're still havingpenetrative sex, but she gets
all of these 8,000 nerve endingsstarting to wake up that take on
the clitoris.
And then they can do all ofthese other positions.
It's like it eliminates so manythings like bringing in the
clitoris, the orgasm gap whereit's like, how do we get closer
to climaxing in the more similartime?

(01:00:20):
Um, you know, positions thatwork with this.
It is just, I just think this isthe most genius toy ever.
The company took um almost 10years to develop this.
They did so many trials to getit right.
And um, and I'm just so I justthink it's the best novelty toy
ever.
I am a huge fan.

SPEAKER_00 (01:00:39):
I'm that sounds so fun.
I I mean it, yeah, it soundslike it would eliminate so many
complications of like trying tohold like a finger vibrator or
something when even like I'vewell I think I can share this.
This is a past partner.
Um, like a cochrane that likehas the vibrator on it, but then
it's like sometimes you're justnot getting stimulated,

(01:01:01):
sometimes like it's too much forthem.
Yeah, it sounds exactlyinteresting.

SPEAKER_01 (01:01:06):
Cause they're not getting vibrated much with that,
because that is the problem.
Like men don't always like thatvibration, but they get to have
the cockery and vibrate you.
But since it's just a magnet ontheirs, they might feel like the
tiniest little vibration whenthey get close to you, but it's
extremely minimal.
And so they're not getting allthe vibration, you know, on
their penis, which, you know, ifyou want that, you can go and
get a toy for that, of course.

(01:01:27):
But a lot of men I find that arelike way less interested in
that.
And so that's a way that it canwork for both people.

SPEAKER_00 (01:01:35):
Thank you for sharing that.
And then sharing also, ofcourse, in the beginning, the
app and tracking all of that.
And of course, I'll link thatbelow.
And I'm I'm sure it's you saidit's on your website too.
But it's so interesting too.
I mean, I feel like we couldhave a whole nother podcast just
talking about toys or or noveltyitems, like you said, because we

(01:01:56):
should, because I went to, I wasin New York last weekend and I
went to the Museum of Sex.
And it's actually a very, verycool museum, and it's not all
about sex toys.
But of course, in the beginning,their gift, um, their gift room
is like all of these sex toys.
And some of them, I mean, someof them, most of them are just
the boring ones, but some ofthem I'm like, oh, I didn't even
know there was like a sex toylike that.

(01:02:17):
So again, one of those thingsthat we just don't talk about
and we don't explore.
And even like, I mean, I've beenon like Adam and Eve or like
those sex toys things, and likeI've never seen anything like
that.
Not that I've done a ton ofresearch, but how do you find
these things?
Yeah, maybe we should haveanother.
Yeah, yeah, that would be reallyfun, I think, because it's

(01:02:40):
again, and also kind of breakingdown those barriers of of um
shame and guilt around using atoy.
I I think that's a whole notherconversation.

SPEAKER_01 (01:02:50):
So exactly.
Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 (01:02:52):
Well, we'll leave that as a little teaser.
TBD to uh to TBC to wecontinued.
I don't know what that acronymis.
Um yeah, more to come.
I think that would be reallycool to talk about.
But thank you so much for comingon the podcast.
This is a really funconversation.
Thank you for all of thebeautiful work that you're doing
in this world and to improverelationships.

(01:03:14):
And you're just such a fun andeasy person to talk to, too.
So I really appreciate you.

SPEAKER_01 (01:03:19):
Oh, same, Hannah.
Thank you.
Thank you for the vulnerabilityof this topic and having me.
And thank you, everybody, forlistening with such open hearts.
I appreciate you all.