March 19, 2025 • 23 mins
What do balance and perfectionism have in common? Nothing really, but interestingly, we often conflate the two. In this episode, we'll talk more about what balance (or equanimity) is and isn't while we debunk common myths about balance-- particularly as it relates to perfectionism. A key takeaway is that balance is not a static, end state but rather a dynamic process much like navigating a boat through ever-changing waves. We'll offer some practical, actionable strategies that you can take right now to embrace your balance.
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Sources and Notes:
- Joy Lab Program: Take the next leap in your wellbeing journey with step-by-step practices to help you build and maintain the elements of joy in your life.
Please remember that this content is for informational and educational purposes only. It is not intended to provide medical advice and is not a replacement for advice and treatment from a medical professional. Please consult your doctor or other qualified health professional before beginning any diet change, supplement, or lifestyle program. Please see our terms for more information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to the Joy Lab podcast,where we help you uncover and
(00:03):
foster your most joyful self.
Your hosts, Dr. Henry Emmons and Dr.Aimee Prasek, bring you the ideal mix of
soulful and scientifically sound tools tospark your joy, even when it feels dark.
When you're ready to experiment withmore joy, combine this podcast with the
full Joy Lab program over at JoyLab.coach
(00:27):
Hello, I'm Henry Emmons andwelcome back to Joy Lab.
And I am Aimee Prasek.
Hey Aimee.
Hang on a second.
Before we get any further, Ihave got to comment about our
wardrobe selections for today.
Oh no.
Look at, look at us.
So for those of you who are noton YouTube, here's, here's the,
(00:50):
I'll give you a quick description.
I am wearing all gray,along with my gray hair.
Aimee has got this bright,bold, flowery top on
It looks like a Victoriandrape is what I think of it.
You and I are balancingone another out perfectly.
(01:14):
I love that.
This, okay.
This is equanimity.
There you go
Thanks you go
for joining us, everybody.
We'll see.
Yeah, so we're talking aboutequanimity, our, March element of joy.
It comes in many forms and fashions.
But let's get into moreof what is equanimity.
(01:35):
So we can think of it as, Ithink a state of inner calm,
serenity, contentment, inner peace.
It's also described as aneven minded mental state.
I kind of like that.
Uh, lots of ways to describe it.
We might also just kind of usethis word balance, and that's
what we're gonna go with today.
(01:55):
Perhaps a more relatable word.
But balance is also maybe abit of an overused term, not
really understood either.
So I kinda wanna dig into that.
What does it mean to be inbalance, to be in equanimity?
So let's first get into a myth aboutbalance as a way of understanding maybe
(02:19):
what it means to not be in balance.
And the myth is that balance isa fixed state, like an end goal.
And I think we can probably all relateto a statement and a belief that
actually tricks us into the myth.
And it's, it's this, I just need to getmy life in balance and then I can fill
(02:43):
in the blank, start exercising, starttaking care of myself, take a break.
Is that a myth?
yeah.
I have said that to myself many a time.
I know it is it.
So we're gonna, we're gonna learnsomething new here about this 'cause it
is tricking us so deceivingly, constantly.
(03:03):
The underlying belief here is that onceyou've got balance, then the work is done.
But balance doesn't work that way.
'cause we do keep saying it.
Right.
So, which it just doesn't quitepan out yet we keep saying it.
Balance is not a static state.
So it's not like an island thatfunctions outside of ourselves.
(03:27):
You know, and it's something that wecan swim to and build a perfect life on.
Instead, I kind of think of balanceas a like a boat on an ocean.
There are waves, there are storms,there are sunny peaceful days.
There are sharks and narwals andmanatees and stingrays, whatever else.
(03:49):
So how can we navigate through all of it?
And I think that practice, thatactive practice is balance.
And until we come to terms withthat, that balance is not a permanent
state, then I think we can actuallycreate more balance in our lives.
I like using that word.
Balance.
I think you're right.
(04:09):
It is, it is more relatable.
Right.
I, I can't help but think abouthow that term is used with aging.
Uh, which I am.
But honestly, it's a, it's a termthat just comes up again and again.
for anybody who works with aging folksor people who are, you know, if you,
(04:30):
it's almost like it's a litmus test.
That balance kind of is, is agood indicator that you're aging
well, your body is aging well.
So anybody, my age or older knowswhat I'm talking about here.
Also, it's, it's something that weonce just took for granted because it
(04:51):
came so easily, so naturally, you know,you just didn't even have to think
about it until it becomes a challengesometime in life, often later in life.
But, you know, it could be becausethere's illness or injury that
affects your feet, your legs, ormaybe the brain or the nervous system.
(05:11):
And then.
We used to not even give a thought,could become a major effort and,
take a lot of focus and willpower.
Hmm.
So I think, that that, is somethingwe can apply to not just this
physical balance I'm referring to,but how we look at it in our lives.
(05:35):
So I am one of those peoplewho has never found it very
easy to maintain life balance.
Maybe that's why I keep sayingit to myself, And I think it's
because I repeatedly try tostuff too much in to my life.
I try to do too many things, and whetherit's work or play, it doesn't matter.
(05:58):
I'm still trying to do too much.
So I'm not sure I'm the right person toteach anybody about how to find balance.
But I think that.
You know anybody who has been throughsome sort of illness, you know, whether
that be anxiety or depression or physicalillness or anything that shakes your
(06:20):
confidence or anything that a period ofreally significant stress, so much that
it has drained your reserves what onceseemed doable, at least can then feels
insurmountable to get that sense ofbalance or equanimity back in your life.
So I'm thinking about a, adifferent metaphor that helps me
(06:44):
to see this in a, in a fresh way.
Twice a year on the planetearth, we experience an Equinox.
It's that brief moment where dayand night are perfectly balanced.
In the spring, many of us arelooking forward to this moment
(07:05):
and have been for a long time.
' cause it indicates that everythingis moving in the right direction.
Days are getting longer,it's getting warmer.
Summer's coming.
But even that moment, ofperfect balance is fleeting.
As soon as it arrives, we beginto tip into longer days or
(07:26):
longer nights, depending on whichEquinox we're talking about.
I think in many ways this is reallythe perfect metaphor for balance
in our lives because like thisEquinox balance is never static.
It's a moment.
It's not a permanent state, and Ithink it also reminds us to savor
(07:48):
the moments of calm when we find it.
Also to be prepared for the shiftsup ahead that are inevitable
for all of us.
Now, here's the real beauty of it.
I think that the Equinox doesn't fightthe change, nature does not fight this.
(08:10):
It just flows into thenext phase naturally.
It's just part of a greater rhythm.
I think that's, that's the kind of thingwe need to embrace in our own lives.
That there's this, this balance isa part of the ebb and flow of life.
It's not the end goal.
It takes a lot of the effort out ofit to, to think this way, that to let
(08:33):
life flow and it's natural rhythm.
And I think when we see this as simplypart of our nature, it can also take
away the frustration we feel when we doinevitably lose that perfect balance point
that we might have worked so hard to find.
Yeah, I, I love that metaphor andthe reminder that balance is in
(08:56):
those moments that we can savor.
Also thinking of balance in thatvery tangible physical sense like
it, I think of balancing on one foot.
I think we all understand that thebalance is actually in the balancing,
not really some rigid, one footedstance that doesn't move at all, but
(09:17):
that we're wobbling, we're reassessing,we're rebalancing all the time.
So maybe we're harder on ourselvestoo, of just this idea of not being
good at cultivating balance orputting too many things on our plate.
But there's also this confidence,I think, of being in a state that
maybe we've put too much on our platethat we have the awareness, but that
(09:37):
we can also navigate through that.
Like that's balance.
Don't be
so hard on yourself, Henry.
I'm trying.
I'm, I'm trying.
And you're
demonstrating balance.
Yeah.
So about balancing on one foot,and Equinox, whatever makes sense
for you as a way of re-imaginingbalance, I think, you know, as this
(10:01):
moving state can be very helpful.
And you noted that this is hard work too.
Perhaps the most obvious part.
I think this is hard for all of us.
There's just so much in ourworld and navigating is hard.
Let's be honest about it.
just thinking about, for us here atJoy Lab, we've had a lot of changes
(10:24):
in the last six months or so.
And the workload has been heavy.
I haven't felt particularly balancedlately, um, or for a good three
months of those six months probably.
But I also felt confident that I canrecalibrate, which is maybe what I
(10:45):
was saying just a moment earlier.
So it's not that I was out of balanceper se, but this confidence that I can
recalibrate into a more balanced state.
But I think sometimes that's the bestwe can do, that we can feel confident
that we can recalibrate, that we canweather through some of those points
where we feel like the waves arecrashing in, but we know the storm
(11:06):
will let up, or we are optimistic.
We are hopeful that the storm will let up.
We know we have the skills to makeit through and make it out with our
heads above water, for the most part.
That matters.
So balance doesn't, it'snot pretty all the time.
Um, it's not permanent as we're saying.
So let's get into more of that.
How can we do it?
How can we savor some of thosemoments, like you said, and
(11:29):
navigate these obstacles?
Let's focus on two strategies.
I'll start with one, and then Henry,why don't you give us another.
So this one is gonna flow perfectly, fromwhat we've just spoke about here it is.
Perfection and balancedo not exist together.
I think this has been one of themost powerful realizations for me.
(11:53):
We work on this a lotin the Joy Lab program.
Uh, and letting go of perfection mightsound obvious, but I think when we
really dig into how we see balancetaking shape in our lives, what we're
imagining balance as is often impossible
Perfect, perfect balance.
(12:13):
Right.
Yeah, we see it as serene.
Relationships are smooth, the weatheris great, you're owning it at work.
Your home is in perfectcondition, perfectly clean.
If you have kids, they're listeningto every little word you have to say.
It's ridiculous, right?
When we think about it, and I catchmyself doing this, I cannot tell
(12:35):
you how many years I spent delayingmy own self-care until I reached
a more balanced state in my life.
Back to that myth thatwe noted at the top here.
It's anchored in that perfectionism,I think is so common we stop doing
the things that can help us be inthis flexible state of balance until
(12:59):
this impossible state of perfectionis achieved, and we will wait
forever to get to that perfect state.
It just never comes.
There will always be waves andstorms and moments that we get thrown
around , and so, it's not that weshould let go of our goals or working
to improve conditions in our lives.
I'm not saying that, but I thinkthis is an invitation to really
(13:22):
check in, to see where you might beholding impossible expectations up
for what balance looks like for you,and that perhaps you're delaying
your life or your wellbeing until youreach that perfectly balanced state.
So you know, where in that spaceare you holding expectations
(13:43):
that are unfair for you.
I think this is an invitation alsoto just give yourself the grace and
acceptance of the reality of imperfectionto let go of the rigidity so that you
can navigate more balance and savormore balance in the present moment.
Well, as you know, Aimee, I'vealso got that perfectionism
(14:08):
I am not calling you outin this episode, Henry.
Yeah, maybe there's a reason whythis keeps showing up in, in Joy Lab.
We're, we're getting there though.
Yeah.
getting there.
So earlier I said that my own trap,which I fall into over and over again,
it's really been a lifelong thing,is thinking that I can do too much.
(14:32):
So everything I want to do and everythingI think that I need to do, all combined
with my perfectionism to make lifeharder, harder than it needs to be.
Yeah.
So there's another term forequanimity that I also really
like, which is stillness.
(14:53):
And by that I mean inner stillness.
Where you feel as if your mind iscalm and your emotions can be, you
know, more or less unperturbed, nomatter what is going on around you,
like that image of the still pond.
Um, meditation I think is just obviouslya great way to work toward that.
(15:18):
But even though we're talkingabout inner stillness here, I think
you can get there to some degreeby cultivating outer stillness.
In other words, by not moving so much.
Just not doing so much.
So this is something I'm working on withsome really good results, I have to say.
(15:42):
Yeah.
Now I think this runs counter to alot of what we are exposed to from
self-help and lifestyle approaches,you know, and this is constant.
We have talked about this beforeabout how this can really feed
into perfectionism, I think.
And I, I think it can also feed intowhat I'm calling do-too-much-ism,
(16:08):
Yeah,
is.
which makes sense.
It's a real thing.
Yes.
So I don't know if you've noticed this,but every day on the news feeds that I,
I look at, there are articles like this.
"Five Things Highly Productive People DoIn the Morning," "Top 10 Wellness Trends",
(16:32):
"Seven Tips for Living Your Best Life".
These are not made up.
These are things I actuallypulled from, you know, recent
headlines and these newsfeeds.
So, and I'm not saying that these thingsare not helpful, believe me, they, I
think they, they have some really goodideas and, and tips, but for my own inner
stillness, doing less beats, doing more.
(16:55):
Yeah.
In a weird sort of way, thestart of the pandemic helped me
quite a bit to make this shift.
So much of life was just stripped away.
Obviously there were justa ton of downsides to that
time as well.
But I think for me it, it really helpedme see that my life could be really
(17:21):
rich without packing so much into it.
You know, I was forced to slow downwhile we all were more or less, which
the fact everybody else was doingit, I think gave me a little more
freedom to just experience this outerstillness and I found out I like it.
(17:44):
So I also like the
strategy of doing less becausethere's not really anything to do.
You don't have to add to your listof ways to make yourself better
because it's about non-doing.
So it takes no additional time.
(18:04):
There's no effort that you have to expendand there's no hook for perfectionism
because there's nothing to strive for.
Here's what it does take just a littlebit of awareness, which is quite
easy if you learn simply to tuneinto what does your body feel like
(18:28):
when you feel pressured and rushed.
It's a, it's a very easy feeling torecognize once you just get teeniest,
bit of, of awareness planted on that.
And then, you know, if, if you've donethat, you can use that feeling as a
signal that you're doing too much.
(18:51):
I think of it like using a navigationapp on your, in your car if you
have the volume on the app turnedon, you can't miss the warning
that you have to change course.
And if you, if you've got thatability to tune into the sense of
feeling rushed and pressured, youcan't, you really can't miss it.
(19:13):
So it's just really being able to seethat I'm overscheduled and then to
accept that, okay, I've, I've done thisagain without beating myself up for it.
Then to make a choiceto say no to something.
For me, that's the hardest part thatthe saying no is the hardest part, but
(19:38):
it's become so much easier because I'mlearning to love the spaces between
the music and to recognize that'swhat makes the music so beautiful.
I really.
I'm resonating with this ideaof checking in with your body
too, as a metric for balance.
(20:02):
I know I feel it right in my stomach.
It gets tight, gets a little nervous.
That's where my tension, that's where my,my, it, that's where I can tune in for a
good measure of if I'm stretching too far.
And I love thinking of that as opposedto opening up a magazine or an online
(20:27):
article that is giving me 10 more thingsto do when I'm feeling stretched and
overwhelmed, which is so interestingthat we go that direction, that there
must be something I'm not doing.
I'm insufficient in some waythat I need to add something
to cultivate balance.
Whereas it's more, as you're saying,Henry, that we can come back to our
natural rhythms and embrace the wisdomthat will tell us where we can maybe
(20:53):
say no 'cause we'll say yes when we'rereally in our rhythms, I think we will
move, we will work, we will sleep, wewill, we will do all the things that
nurture ourselves and those around uswhen we're in a balanced state that
is flexible and fluid and not static.
So what a relief.
(21:14):
It's not about biohacking, lifehacking or gadgets or concoctions.
It's about inner stillness and innerwisdom that we all have this in us.
We are balanced creatureswhen we allow ourselves to be.
So these are skills we can allpractice, we can get better at them.
It's what we do every weekhere on the Joy Lab podcast.
(21:38):
As an imperfect community with twoimperfect people trying our best
to be part of this, uh, work thatwe do, to embrace our balance, to
embrace our joy, all of the elementsof joy that we work on together.
So join us in the Joy Lab program as wellas we dive even deeper to do that work.
(22:03):
And when you join us at the program, you
keep the podcast going.
I wanna just remind people that,that we are community supported.
We are community focused on creating morebalance as I said, more joy in this world.
It really matters.
So it's really cool thatwe can do that together.
Well, to close our time today, I wannashare some insight from journalist
(22:26):
Anna Quinlan, here's whatshe had to say about balance:
"I wish I had not been in a hurryto get on to the next things dinner,
bath, book, bed. I wish I hadtreasured the doing a little more and
the getting it done a little less."
(22:48):
Thank you for listeningto the Joy Lab podcast.
If you enjoy today's show, visitJoyLab.coach to learn more
about the full Joy Lab program.
Be sure to rate and review us whereveryou listen to your favorite podcasts.
Please remember that thiscontent is for informational
and educational purposes only.
It is not intended to provide medicaladvice and is not a replacement for advice
(23:11):
and treatment from a medical professional.
Please consult your doctor orother qualified health professional
before beginning any diet change,supplement, or lifestyle program.
Please see our terms for more information.
Welcome to the Joy Lab podcast,where we help you uncover and
(00:03):
foster your most joyful self.
Your hosts, Dr. Henry Emmons and Dr.Aimee Prasek, bring you the ideal mix of
soulful and scientifically sound tools tospark your joy, even when it feels dark.
When you're ready to experiment withmore joy, combine this podcast with the
full Joy Lab program over at JoyLab.coach
(00:27):
Hello, I'm Henry Emmons andwelcome back to Joy Lab.
And I am Aimee Prasek.
Hey Aimee.
Hang on a second.
Before we get any further, Ihave got to comment about our
wardrobe selections for today.
Oh no.
Look at, look at us.
So for those of you who are noton YouTube, here's, here's the,
(00:50):
I'll give you a quick description.
I am wearing all gray,along with my gray hair.
Aimee has got this bright,bold, flowery top on
It looks like a Victoriandrape is what I think of it.
You and I are balancingone another out perfectly.
(01:14):
I love that.
This, okay.
This is equanimity.
There you go
Thanks you go
for joining us, everybody.
We'll see.
Yeah, so we're talking aboutequanimity, our, March element of joy.
It comes in many forms and fashions.
But let's get into moreof what is equanimity.
(01:35):
So we can think of it as, Ithink a state of inner calm,
serenity, contentment, inner peace.
It's also described as aneven minded mental state.
I kind of like that.
Uh, lots of ways to describe it.
We might also just kind of usethis word balance, and that's
what we're gonna go with today.
(01:55):
Perhaps a more relatable word.
But balance is also maybe abit of an overused term, not
really understood either.
So I kinda wanna dig into that.
What does it mean to be inbalance, to be in equanimity?
So let's first get into a myth aboutbalance as a way of understanding maybe
(02:19):
what it means to not be in balance.
And the myth is that balance isa fixed state, like an end goal.
And I think we can probably all relateto a statement and a belief that
actually tricks us into the myth.
And it's, it's this, I just need to getmy life in balance and then I can fill
(02:43):
in the blank, start exercising, starttaking care of myself, take a break.
Is that a myth?
yeah.
I have said that to myself many a time.
I know it is it.
So we're gonna, we're gonna learnsomething new here about this 'cause it
is tricking us so deceivingly, constantly.
(03:03):
The underlying belief here is that onceyou've got balance, then the work is done.
But balance doesn't work that way.
'cause we do keep saying it.
Right.
So, which it just doesn't quitepan out yet we keep saying it.
Balance is not a static state.
So it's not like an island thatfunctions outside of ourselves.
(03:27):
You know, and it's something that wecan swim to and build a perfect life on.
Instead, I kind of think of balanceas a like a boat on an ocean.
There are waves, there are storms,there are sunny peaceful days.
There are sharks and narwals andmanatees and stingrays, whatever else.
(03:49):
So how can we navigate through all of it?
And I think that practice, thatactive practice is balance.
And until we come to terms withthat, that balance is not a permanent
state, then I think we can actuallycreate more balance in our lives.
I like using that word.
Balance.
I think you're right.
(04:09):
It is, it is more relatable.
Right.
I, I can't help but think abouthow that term is used with aging.
Uh, which I am.
But honestly, it's a, it's a termthat just comes up again and again.
for anybody who works with aging folksor people who are, you know, if you,
(04:30):
it's almost like it's a litmus test.
That balance kind of is, is agood indicator that you're aging
well, your body is aging well.
So anybody, my age or older knowswhat I'm talking about here.
Also, it's, it's something that weonce just took for granted because it
(04:51):
came so easily, so naturally, you know,you just didn't even have to think
about it until it becomes a challengesometime in life, often later in life.
But, you know, it could be becausethere's illness or injury that
affects your feet, your legs, ormaybe the brain or the nervous system.
(05:11):
And then.
We used to not even give a thought,could become a major effort and,
take a lot of focus and willpower.
Hmm.
So I think, that that, is somethingwe can apply to not just this
physical balance I'm referring to,but how we look at it in our lives.
(05:35):
So I am one of those peoplewho has never found it very
easy to maintain life balance.
Maybe that's why I keep sayingit to myself, And I think it's
because I repeatedly try tostuff too much in to my life.
I try to do too many things, and whetherit's work or play, it doesn't matter.
(05:58):
I'm still trying to do too much.
So I'm not sure I'm the right person toteach anybody about how to find balance.
But I think that.
You know anybody who has been throughsome sort of illness, you know, whether
that be anxiety or depression or physicalillness or anything that shakes your
(06:20):
confidence or anything that a period ofreally significant stress, so much that
it has drained your reserves what onceseemed doable, at least can then feels
insurmountable to get that sense ofbalance or equanimity back in your life.
So I'm thinking about a, adifferent metaphor that helps me
(06:44):
to see this in a, in a fresh way.
Twice a year on the planetearth, we experience an Equinox.
It's that brief moment where dayand night are perfectly balanced.
In the spring, many of us arelooking forward to this moment
(07:05):
and have been for a long time.
' cause it indicates that everythingis moving in the right direction.
Days are getting longer,it's getting warmer.
Summer's coming.
But even that moment, ofperfect balance is fleeting.
As soon as it arrives, we beginto tip into longer days or
(07:26):
longer nights, depending on whichEquinox we're talking about.
I think in many ways this is reallythe perfect metaphor for balance
in our lives because like thisEquinox balance is never static.
It's a moment.
It's not a permanent state, and Ithink it also reminds us to savor
(07:48):
the moments of calm when we find it.
Also to be prepared for the shiftsup ahead that are inevitable
for all of us.
Now, here's the real beauty of it.
I think that the Equinox doesn't fightthe change, nature does not fight this.
(08:10):
It just flows into thenext phase naturally.
It's just part of a greater rhythm.
I think that's, that's the kind of thingwe need to embrace in our own lives.
That there's this, this balance isa part of the ebb and flow of life.
It's not the end goal.
It takes a lot of the effort out ofit to, to think this way, that to let
(08:33):
life flow and it's natural rhythm.
And I think when we see this as simplypart of our nature, it can also take
away the frustration we feel when we doinevitably lose that perfect balance point
that we might have worked so hard to find.
Yeah, I, I love that metaphor andthe reminder that balance is in
(08:56):
those moments that we can savor.
Also thinking of balance in thatvery tangible physical sense like
it, I think of balancing on one foot.
I think we all understand that thebalance is actually in the balancing,
not really some rigid, one footedstance that doesn't move at all, but
(09:17):
that we're wobbling, we're reassessing,we're rebalancing all the time.
So maybe we're harder on ourselvestoo, of just this idea of not being
good at cultivating balance orputting too many things on our plate.
But there's also this confidence,I think, of being in a state that
maybe we've put too much on our platethat we have the awareness, but that
(09:37):
we can also navigate through that.
Like that's balance.
Don't be
so hard on yourself, Henry.
I'm trying.
I'm, I'm trying.
And you're
demonstrating balance.
Yeah.
So about balancing on one foot,and Equinox, whatever makes sense
for you as a way of re-imaginingbalance, I think, you know, as this
(10:01):
moving state can be very helpful.
And you noted that this is hard work too.
Perhaps the most obvious part.
I think this is hard for all of us.
There's just so much in ourworld and navigating is hard.
Let's be honest about it.
just thinking about, for us here atJoy Lab, we've had a lot of changes
(10:24):
in the last six months or so.
And the workload has been heavy.
I haven't felt particularly balancedlately, um, or for a good three
months of those six months probably.
But I also felt confident that I canrecalibrate, which is maybe what I
(10:45):
was saying just a moment earlier.
So it's not that I was out of balanceper se, but this confidence that I can
recalibrate into a more balanced state.
But I think sometimes that's the bestwe can do, that we can feel confident
that we can recalibrate, that we canweather through some of those points
where we feel like the waves arecrashing in, but we know the storm
(11:06):
will let up, or we are optimistic.
We are hopeful that the storm will let up.
We know we have the skills to makeit through and make it out with our
heads above water, for the most part.
That matters.
So balance doesn't, it'snot pretty all the time.
Um, it's not permanent as we're saying.
So let's get into more of that.
How can we do it?
How can we savor some of thosemoments, like you said, and
(11:29):
navigate these obstacles?
Let's focus on two strategies.
I'll start with one, and then Henry,why don't you give us another.
So this one is gonna flow perfectly, fromwhat we've just spoke about here it is.
Perfection and balancedo not exist together.
I think this has been one of themost powerful realizations for me.
(11:53):
We work on this a lotin the Joy Lab program.
Uh, and letting go of perfection mightsound obvious, but I think when we
really dig into how we see balancetaking shape in our lives, what we're
imagining balance as is often impossible
Perfect, perfect balance.
(12:13):
Right.
Yeah, we see it as serene.
Relationships are smooth, the weatheris great, you're owning it at work.
Your home is in perfectcondition, perfectly clean.
If you have kids, they're listeningto every little word you have to say.
It's ridiculous, right?
When we think about it, and I catchmyself doing this, I cannot tell
(12:35):
you how many years I spent delayingmy own self-care until I reached
a more balanced state in my life.
Back to that myth thatwe noted at the top here.
It's anchored in that perfectionism,I think is so common we stop doing
the things that can help us be inthis flexible state of balance until
(12:59):
this impossible state of perfectionis achieved, and we will wait
forever to get to that perfect state.
It just never comes.
There will always be waves andstorms and moments that we get thrown
around , and so, it's not that weshould let go of our goals or working
to improve conditions in our lives.
I'm not saying that, but I thinkthis is an invitation to really
(13:22):
check in, to see where you might beholding impossible expectations up
for what balance looks like for you,and that perhaps you're delaying
your life or your wellbeing until youreach that perfectly balanced state.
So you know, where in that spaceare you holding expectations
(13:43):
that are unfair for you.
I think this is an invitation alsoto just give yourself the grace and
acceptance of the reality of imperfectionto let go of the rigidity so that you
can navigate more balance and savormore balance in the present moment.
Well, as you know, Aimee, I'vealso got that perfectionism
(14:08):
I am not calling you outin this episode, Henry.
Yeah, maybe there's a reason whythis keeps showing up in, in Joy Lab.
We're, we're getting there though.
Yeah.
getting there.
So earlier I said that my own trap,which I fall into over and over again,
it's really been a lifelong thing,is thinking that I can do too much.
(14:32):
So everything I want to do and everythingI think that I need to do, all combined
with my perfectionism to make lifeharder, harder than it needs to be.
Yeah.
So there's another term forequanimity that I also really
like, which is stillness.
(14:53):
And by that I mean inner stillness.
Where you feel as if your mind iscalm and your emotions can be, you
know, more or less unperturbed, nomatter what is going on around you,
like that image of the still pond.
Um, meditation I think is just obviouslya great way to work toward that.
(15:18):
But even though we're talkingabout inner stillness here, I think
you can get there to some degreeby cultivating outer stillness.
In other words, by not moving so much.
Just not doing so much.
So this is something I'm working on withsome really good results, I have to say.
(15:42):
Yeah.
Now I think this runs counter to alot of what we are exposed to from
self-help and lifestyle approaches,you know, and this is constant.
We have talked about this beforeabout how this can really feed
into perfectionism, I think.
And I, I think it can also feed intowhat I'm calling do-too-much-ism,
(16:08):
Yeah,
is.
which makes sense.
It's a real thing.
Yes.
So I don't know if you've noticed this,but every day on the news feeds that I,
I look at, there are articles like this.
"Five Things Highly Productive People DoIn the Morning," "Top 10 Wellness Trends",
(16:32):
"Seven Tips for Living Your Best Life".
These are not made up.
These are things I actuallypulled from, you know, recent
headlines and these newsfeeds.
So, and I'm not saying that these thingsare not helpful, believe me, they, I
think they, they have some really goodideas and, and tips, but for my own inner
stillness, doing less beats, doing more.
(16:55):
Yeah.
In a weird sort of way, thestart of the pandemic helped me
quite a bit to make this shift.
So much of life was just stripped away.
Obviously there were justa ton of downsides to that
time as well.
But I think for me it, it really helpedme see that my life could be really
(17:21):
rich without packing so much into it.
You know, I was forced to slow downwhile we all were more or less, which
the fact everybody else was doingit, I think gave me a little more
freedom to just experience this outerstillness and I found out I like it.
(17:44):
So I also like the
strategy of doing less becausethere's not really anything to do.
You don't have to add to your listof ways to make yourself better
because it's about non-doing.
So it takes no additional time.
(18:04):
There's no effort that you have to expendand there's no hook for perfectionism
because there's nothing to strive for.
Here's what it does take just a littlebit of awareness, which is quite
easy if you learn simply to tuneinto what does your body feel like
(18:28):
when you feel pressured and rushed.
It's a, it's a very easy feeling torecognize once you just get teeniest,
bit of, of awareness planted on that.
And then, you know, if, if you've donethat, you can use that feeling as a
signal that you're doing too much.
(18:51):
I think of it like using a navigationapp on your, in your car if you
have the volume on the app turnedon, you can't miss the warning
that you have to change course.
And if you, if you've got thatability to tune into the sense of
feeling rushed and pressured, youcan't, you really can't miss it.
(19:13):
So it's just really being able to seethat I'm overscheduled and then to
accept that, okay, I've, I've done thisagain without beating myself up for it.
Then to make a choiceto say no to something.
For me, that's the hardest part thatthe saying no is the hardest part, but
(19:38):
it's become so much easier because I'mlearning to love the spaces between
the music and to recognize that'swhat makes the music so beautiful.
I really.
I'm resonating with this ideaof checking in with your body
too, as a metric for balance.
(20:02):
I know I feel it right in my stomach.
It gets tight, gets a little nervous.
That's where my tension, that's where my,my, it, that's where I can tune in for a
good measure of if I'm stretching too far.
And I love thinking of that as opposedto opening up a magazine or an online
(20:27):
article that is giving me 10 more thingsto do when I'm feeling stretched and
overwhelmed, which is so interestingthat we go that direction, that there
must be something I'm not doing.
I'm insufficient in some waythat I need to add something
to cultivate balance.
Whereas it's more, as you're saying,Henry, that we can come back to our
natural rhythms and embrace the wisdomthat will tell us where we can maybe
(20:53):
say no 'cause we'll say yes when we'rereally in our rhythms, I think we will
move, we will work, we will sleep, wewill, we will do all the things that
nurture ourselves and those around uswhen we're in a balanced state that
is flexible and fluid and not static.
So what a relief.
(21:14):
It's not about biohacking, lifehacking or gadgets or concoctions.
It's about inner stillness and innerwisdom that we all have this in us.
We are balanced creatureswhen we allow ourselves to be.
So these are skills we can allpractice, we can get better at them.
It's what we do every weekhere on the Joy Lab podcast.
(21:38):
As an imperfect community with twoimperfect people trying our best
to be part of this, uh, work thatwe do, to embrace our balance, to
embrace our joy, all of the elementsof joy that we work on together.
So join us in the Joy Lab program as wellas we dive even deeper to do that work.
(22:03):
And when you join us at the program, you
keep the podcast going.
I wanna just remind people that,that we are community supported.
We are community focused on creating morebalance as I said, more joy in this world.
It really matters.
So it's really cool thatwe can do that together.
Well, to close our time today, I wannashare some insight from journalist
(22:26):
Anna Quinlan, here's whatshe had to say about balance:
"I wish I had not been in a hurryto get on to the next things dinner,
bath, book, bed. I wish I hadtreasured the doing a little more and
the getting it done a little less."
(22:48):
Thank you for listeningto the Joy Lab podcast.
If you enjoy today's show, visitJoyLab.coach to learn more
about the full Joy Lab program.
Be sure to rate and review us whereveryou listen to your favorite podcasts.
Please remember that thiscontent is for informational
and educational purposes only.
It is not intended to provide medicaladvice and is not a replacement for advice
(23:11):
and treatment from a medical professional.
Please consult your doctor orother qualified health professional
before beginning any diet change,supplement, or lifestyle program.
Please see our terms for more information.
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