August 26, 2025 • 22 mins
When you’re stressed, joy can feel out of reach. Everything feels flat. Even the things you used to love feel like effort. But here’s the truth: joy isn’t gone—it’s just buried beneath exhaustion, overextension, and conditioning.
In this episode of Joyfully Unstoppable, we explore the science behind how you can reconnect with joy, without overhauling your life or adding one more thing to your to-do list.
You’ll learn:
- What neuroscience reveals about how we condition ourselves for joy (or frustration!)
- Why you don’t have to “fix yourself first” to feel good again
- What micro-moments of joy can do for your nervous system
- How to create a low-pressure “joy menu” that meets you where you are
This episode is an invitation to stop waiting for perfect conditions—and start choosing joy in small, sustainable ways. Because you don't have to wait to enjoy your life -- no matter your circumstances.
Joyfully Unstoppable—helping women reconnect with what matters most.
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✨ Let’s stay connected
Want more support as you lead with clarity, confidence, and joy? Here’s how we can keep growing together:
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💼 Coaching for Women Leaders – Ready for personalized support? Explore 1:1 coaching
📚 Free Leadership Resources – Practical tools to help you lead (and live) well
🏡 Explore Women Lead Well – Learn more about Women Lead Well and everything we offer
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:06):
Welcome to Joyfully Unstoppable,the podcast for women who are
ready to lead boldly, livelightly, and reclaim their joy.
Whether you're leading a team, aclassroom, a boardroom, or your
own big, beautiful life, I am soglad you found us.
I'm your host, Becky Ham,leadership coach, speaker and
(00:26):
founder of Women Lead Well.
After years of high levelleadership, I discovered that
success doesn't have to come atthe cost of your peace, your
values, or your wellbeing.
Each week, we'll explore what itmeans to lead with clarity,
confidence, and authenticity.
Even in a world that tells youto hustle harder and prove your
(00:47):
worth, you carry a lot.
Let's help it feel lighter.
Friends fall is coming where welive in Virginia.
The kids are already back inschool.
We have had Canada Geese campedout in our front yard the past
few days on their way south.
Uh, a bit stressful to myhusband because Canada Geese,
(01:08):
um, leave a lot behind and it'sa little gross, but the season
is changing.
And I am mindful that 2025 hasbeen a rough year for so many of
the women I coach, particularlyfor women who used to serve in
the federal government, who losttheir jobs as part of the
federal restructuring.
(01:29):
And it's additionallychallenging many of the federal
workers who lost their jobsreceive severance packages that
expire at the end of the fiscalyear, which is a short five
weeks away.
Compounding that is, that 2025wasn't just tough for federal
employees.
Folks in tech, higher ed, otherindustries have all taken a hit
(01:50):
this year with layoffs across anumber of those sectors, making
it even harder for people tofind jobs because there are so
many jobs seekers out thereright now.
And so I wanted us to spend sometime today.
Talking about joy.
I know it's counterintuitive,but just ride the ride with me
for a few minutes and see if youdon't understand.
(02:11):
I want us to talk about how wecan find joy even in the midst
of hardship, and we're gonnastart the conversation in
neuroscience.
So as humans, this isphenomenal.
Like it blew my mind when Ilearned this as humans.
All of our sensory systems, oureyes, our ears, our touch, you
know, the functions in our body,all of our sensory sys systems
(02:35):
receive about 11 million bits ofinformation per second.
Every second our brains canprocess about 10.
So, uh.
11 million bits of informationper second.
(02:56):
Our brains.
Can deal with 10.
The way we process thatinformation is through what's
called the reticular activatingsystem or RAS.
This is that thing that part ofus that if I say Red Honda
Civics, next time you get outinto the world and you're going
down, you're gonna see Red HondaCivics.
Why?
Because I have now told you, redHonda Civics, your brain has
(03:17):
picked up on Red Honda Civics.
So for the next couple of weeksyou're gonna see a lot of red
Honda Civics.
Hi Social Experiment Fund DM meto let me know.
But it's true, you will.
So the reticular activatingsystem or RAS focuses on the
things that the mind thinks isimportant, and so it filters
out, it mutes 10,999,990 bits ofinformation each and every
(03:44):
second to focus on the 10 thatare most likely to keep us alive
and red.
Honda Civics.
I'm so sorry, but so it goes.
How does your brain decide?
How does a reticular activatingsystem decide which 10 will keep
us alive?
Which 10 bits of information tofocus on.
Some of it is biological, right?
And so elevated heart rate,you're probably gonna notice
(04:06):
that, right?
Difficulty breathing, you'regonna key in on that.
You might not key in on, oh my,my tooth is sore.
If it's been sore for six weeks,right?
Your brain will filter thatinformation out or this is a
huge one, right?
If you stub your toe and thenbreak your arm, you're probably
(04:27):
gonna feel your arm hurting, notyour toe.
Why?
Because the arm is a bigger dealin terms of your life and
wellbeing than the toe is atthat moment.
If you hadn't broken your arm,you'd probably feel your toe.
Right, so some of it isbiological.
And some of it is what getsprimed by, where our brain has
put its energy and focus in thepast, this is why I'm saying Red
(04:50):
Honda, you're gonna see a bunchof red Honda Civics.
Why?
Because I've primed your brainto look for them, to notice them
when it sees them.
'cause again, 11 million bits ofinformation per second.
You already are saying a lot ofred Honda Civics.
It's just your RAS has mutedthat, so you don't notice that
it's in your line of sight.
You're gonna notice it now, Andthis logic of the thing that
(05:13):
you, you see what you expect tosee, or you see what you have
seen.
This is the source of theconfirmation bias, We see what
we expect to see.
Now let me bring it back to joy.
If we expect to see joy, we willsee joy.
If we expect to see stress,we're gonna find ourselves in a
(05:36):
heap load of stress.
Our objective circumstancesmight not change, but if we
focus on joy with intention forjust little bits at a time, if
we focus on joy with intention,then joy becomes more available
to us because our brain isn'tmuting it.
(05:56):
The reticular activating system,our RAS isn't turning the volume
down on joy to turn the volumeup on something else.
We have signaled to our brainsthat we wanna see more joy.
And so our brain shows us moreof it, Think of your brain as
like the super sweet Labradorretriever.
You say, Hey, go fetch.
It will go fetch.
But my friend, this is my point,you say, oh, this is awful.
(06:18):
Oh, I'm never gonna get anotherjob.
The market is so bad.
Your brain is gonna send youlots of confirming information.
And if you tell your brain,well, it sucks that I'm outta
work right now, but do you knowthis one little thing I'm gonna
do today.
I'm gonna find the joy in themoment, then your brain is gonna
bring you more of that.
And I wanna be super clear here.
(06:38):
I wanted to to take a moment andclarify.
This is not some like woo woomanifestation, good vibes only
nonsense.
Uh, that one, that ain't me.
Two, it doesn't, that's noright.
If you have listened to thispodcast for any length of time,
you will know that I am thefirst person to tell you to
always feel your actualfeelings, even when those
(07:01):
feelings are big and scary.
Right?
I'm gonna tell you to feel yourfeelings after you regulate your
nervous system, but this is notgood vibes only mumbo jumbo.
It is simply neuroscience.
Our brains cannot handle all thesensory data they receive in any
moment, and so our brainsfilter.
(07:21):
The beauty is that we have theability to shape that filter.
So if you're looking for a job,you will still be looking for a
job if you have a toxic boss.
For the moment, you're stillgonna have a toxic boss.
And I'm sorry that those, thatsucks, but you can still
experience joy in the midst ofthose circumstances.
(07:45):
And friend, like, why wouldn'tyou?
You are not gonna be unemployedforever.
That is just the fact.
And you won't work for a toxicboss forever either.
So why would you let atransitory set of circumstances
drag you down?
Especially when it is reallypretty easy to train your brain,
to bring you more joy.
So let's get into it.
(08:06):
Here are four actions you cantake this week to find joy
without your circumstanceschanging one bit.
Step one or thing one, I wantyou to release the pressure to
quote unquote, fix yourselffirst.
Setbacks often come with a sidedish of shame, right?
(08:28):
You think to yourself, I shouldbe grateful.
I should be able to handle this.
I just need to get through thisseason and then I can rest,
right?
I just need to send a hundredapplications a day and that
you're not but a week, right?
A hundred applications a week,right?
People do it and then I canfocus on the good, but those
(08:51):
beliefs, they only tighten thetrap.
Why?
Because you're putting yourfocus and your energy on the
negative.
On the absence of joy, you'retelling your brain, bring me
more of the yuckiness, right?
Because that's where you'reputting your attention.
And there is this, this myth.
Myth.
It is a lie, but it is one ofthe most damaging myths that we
(09:12):
carry, particularly as women, isthis idea that we have to be
like fully healed or we have tohave everything together before
we're allowed to feel good.
Right?
We treat joy like it's a rewardfor some kind of an
accomplishment.
And what I'm gonna say is thatjoy is not a reward.
(09:32):
Joy is a resource.
Joy is a source of energy andgoodness that allows us to
sustain through difficultperiods and allows us to sustain
through wonderful periods.
'cause you can wear yourself outduring a beautiful season of
life too, But Joy is one ofthose resources that helps build
us up and keep us sustained andkeep our lives sustainable
(09:55):
regardless of the circumstances.
And joy, especially when it'sexperienced in these small
frequent doses that we're gonnatalk about here in a second, it
can actually buffer the effectof stress.
So it can help with yourresilience through the difficult
periods.
And there's a psychologist,Barbara f Fredrickson, uh, she
(10:16):
has what's called the broadenand build theory that tells us
that positive emotions like joy,they don't just feel good, they
do, but they don't only feelgood, they also expand our
cognitive capacity.
This increases our resilience.
It promotes our long-termwellbeing.
So in other words, choosing joyisn't just selfish, and it's not
(10:37):
something you do after you'vealready gotten what you want.
Choosing joy is strategic.
It's the oxygen mask that helpsyou stay grounded while you
navigate leadership uncertaintyin your life.
Complexity, challenges,difficulty, setbacks.
So instead of waiting untileverything is perfect.
You just allow yourself a littleglimmer of joy today because
(11:01):
focusing on joy, especially thesmall joys, when you do that,
you're training that reticularactivating system.
You're training your brain to gofind you more of it.
And again, dutiful Labradorretriever, man, that brain's
gonna go out and it's gonna doit, and then you're on autopilot
and that's beautiful.
So.
Step one, you give yourselfpermission, joy now, not joy
(11:24):
later.
Joy is in the today.
Step two, you find your joy inthe micro moments.
You do not need a week longvacation or a six month
sabbatical to find joy.
And now please.
Do I want that for you?
Yes, of course I do.
Go find yourself a six.
Get a six month sabbatical.
Go take a two week vacation tosomeplace warm and relaxing or
(11:48):
cold and relaxing.
If you like to ski, whatever fi,follow your bliss, but you don't
wait for joy until thosemoments, Sometimes, all the
time.
What your nervous system reallyneeds is that three minute
reset.
Why?
Because those micro moments iswhere you signal to your nervous
(12:08):
system, to your body.
You are safe right now here inthis moment you are okay.
Maybe I don't like thecircumstances, but right now, in
this moment, we are okay.
Neuroscientists call theseglimmers.
They are small cues of safetythat regulate the nervous
(12:31):
system.
They spark calm and connection.
These moments help counteractthe fight, flight, freeze fawn
response, and they slowly buildour brain to have the capacity
it needs for joy.
It brings our brain online forjoy.
So here's some examples ofglimmers.
(12:53):
Again, this is highlyindividualized to the person.
I'm just giving you a few offthe top of my head.
You sit on your porch with yourmorning cup of coffee and you
let the, the sunshine, themorning light into your
eyeballs, right?
You just sit there and drinkyour coffee and watch the world
go by.
Watch those Canada geese outthere defying your front yard.
(13:15):
That might be a glimmer of joyto me.
I don't think it's a glimmer ofjoy to my husband.
The beauty of getting some ofthat morning light.
Is that the melatonin in youreyes?
I'm like looking at my eyes andpointing that, getting that
sunlight into your eyeballshelps with your melatonin
production to help, uh, you goto sleep at night.
It's a win-win, particularly forus.
Perimenopausal Ladies, anotherglimmer.
(13:37):
You listen to some music that,that you feel, right.
Maybe it's attached to a memory.
Maybe there's something aboutthe cadence, but that music that
stirs something in you,beautiful, right?
Light a candle.
I love this.
I light a candle with mycoaching calls, and so as I'm
coaching women that I have thislittle candle that burns for
about an hour and it just burnsdown, and it's just this, for
(14:00):
me, just this beautiful markerof the session, and there's
something that is so spiritual,I don't know about that candle
that it just, it keeps meanchored in the present.
It keeps me in that conversationand the, the, the sanctity of
that coaching call.
A glimmer might be sharing alaugh with someone you trust,
(14:23):
sending a silly meme to a friendand then you get one back,
right?
The moments themselves are notlife-changing moments, They're
everyday moments, but they bringyou joy.
They bring you back to thepresent.
They signal safety to your body,to your nervous system.
(14:43):
They are not throwaway moments.
They are the fuel, This is howyou find joy in the middle of a
difficult season by anchoringinto those small acts of
presence that reconnect you withyourself, Reconnect you with
safety and calm, even wheneverything feels heavy.
Now, this is number three.
(15:05):
Reconnect with what brings youto life, what lights you up.
Stress doesn't just empty yourenergy tank.
It can erase your sense of self.
You can stop asking What bringsme joy?
Because you're spending so muchtime asking, what do others need
from me right now?
What do I need to do to fix thissituation?
You externalize your sense ofself and you can alienate
(15:28):
yourself from yourself.
So a helpful way to startreconnecting with what brings
you to life is to revisit yourcore values.
Especially if there's some thatyou have maybe unintentionally
set aside, Research shows thatreconnecting with your values,
and that might be creativity, itmight be connection, it might be
(15:48):
autonomy.
Whatever matters most to you.
When you can reconnect withthose values, you increase your
resilience and you decrease theemotional impact of stress
because you're anchored intosomething of meaning for you.
And so quickly, I'm gonna giveyou three reflection questions
to explore.
(16:09):
Question one, when do I feelmost like myself?
Question two, what activities orenvironments give me energy
instead of draining it?
What are my energy engines?
And then what are my energyvampires, right?
You want more engines in yourlife than you've got vampires.
And then question number three,what did I love doing?
(16:33):
Before life got so difficult,This exercise is not about
reinventing yourself.
It's about remembering who youare, The version of you that
loved cooking, who lost track oftime, when you would write, who
felt deeply fulfilled mentoringothers, that woman is still
there.
Finding your joy starts withlistening to her voice again.
(16:55):
And if it would help, I've got afree values clarification
exercise that will let you getcrystal clear on your values so
you can reconnect more deeplywith those activities that light
you up.
And again, the more energy youput to that, the more your
training your brain to focusthere and bring you more of that
goodness every day, every day,even when you're not
(17:17):
intentionally trying to do it.
This is number four.
Build a daily joy practice thatdoesn't burn you out.
Once you begin to notice whatbrings you back to life, the
next step is to practice joyconsistently.
Now, I wanna be clear, this isnot one more thing on your to-do
list.
(17:37):
Think of it, it's so corny, andI'm sorry for it being so corny,
but think of it as like a joymenu, Just the simple, no
obligation list of the littlethings.
That you like to do, and you canchoose from this list every day
based on how much energy and howmuch time you have.
I just like having the listthere in place so you're not
wasting time brainstorming.
(17:58):
You can just look and say, oh,this one right now.
Right?
So you invest three, fourminutes on it.
Now you can do that on yourcommute.
You can do it while you're inthe shower.
You can think up the ideas,stick it in your smartphone, and
then it's always there for you.
The goal is that you don'tperform joy.
The goal is that you haveopportunities to experience joy.
(18:20):
So your joy menu might includefive minutes of movement with
your favorite playlist.
It might include steppingoutside to watch the clouds.
Those glimmers that I talkedabout a few minutes ago, those
glimmers are great things to puton your joy list.
Maybe on your joy list, youwanna read a few pages of a
novel.
(18:41):
That feels like an escape,right?
This isn't for work.
This isn't.
You should, this is, you get to,maybe it's journaling a few
sentences about what felt goodtoday, what you enjoyed about
the day you chronicle a win thatyou had for the day.
Maybe it's spending some timeweeding in the garden.
That is not a glimmer for me.
That is most definitely a chore,but they're people who love it,
(19:03):
right?
The point is, whatever is onyour list are not chores.
They're anchors.
Weaning the garden would not beon my joy list, but if it brings
you joy, put it on yours.
That's the point.
They're the things that bringyou joy.
You don't have to do'em all, Youjust pick when you've got a
(19:24):
moment or when you feel that thenegativity is taking over.
This is your anchor.
You say, okay, I'm gonna pickone right now and I'm gonna do
it right now, and then you justdo it.
And then tomorrow I'm gonna pickone right now.
I'm gonna do it right now.
I got 30 minutes for lunch.
I'm gonna do it in my lunchbreak.
I'm gonna do it during mycommute.
I'm gonna do it before I leavefor work.
(19:45):
Whatever you find, you find thetime you have it, stack it over
time.
It's the cumulation of the work.
It's the compound interest ofthe joy.
Over time, the small joys beginto rewire your brain.
They regulate your nervoussystem.
They rebuild your capacity.
(20:06):
That is how to find joy withoutoverwhelming yourself.
It is literally one moment at atime.
And so my friends, I'm gonnaleave you with this.
You deserve to feel good.
You deserve to experience joyevery single day.
You do not have to earn your wayinto joy.
You're allowed to feel good,even if you're still tired, even
(20:30):
if you're unsure, even if you'rehealing, even if your
circumstances.
Are difficult.
So if today feels heavy, askyourself what is one small thing
I can do to choose joy?
Not for anyone else.
Just for you.
And if I may make a suggestionfor today, let that one thing
(20:54):
that brings you joy.
Be making your joy menu.
'cause you're just gonna spendfive minutes and you're just
gonna write down all the thingsyou love.
And just thinking about allthose things that you love
doing.
We will bring you joy.
So step one, right?
Just get the early win and thenthat list is there for tomorrow
because my friend, finding yourjoy is not a luxury.
(21:16):
It's a lifeline, and it is notsomething you have to do alone.
If you are ready to find morejoy, if you would like to lock
in and really anchor in joy andtell your brain that you want
more of it, I would love toinvite you to join the Women
Lead Well Community over onFacebook.
In it, I share additionalleadership tips and
(21:36):
encouragement every week, and wework together as a community to
build each other up and helpeach other grow.
It is a strong signal to yourreticular activating system that
you are supported and committedto your growth as a leader.
I'll leave a link in the shownotes below for you, and if this
episode spoke to you, I wouldlove for you to share it with a
(21:59):
friend who's running on empty.
We need more women leading fromalignment, not adrenaline.
And please don't forget to likeand subscribe.
It really helps a small littlepodcast like mine, be shown to
other people who maybe don'tknow about it yet.
Next week we're talking aboutnavigating the messy middle and
what to do when you feel stuck,so you won't wanna miss that
one.
(22:20):
You can also grab our freeresources, like the Values
Clarificationexercise@womenleadwell.net, and
LinkedIn, the show notes below.
Remember, joyful, sustainable,and authentic leadership is
possible and you deserve toenjoy every minute of it.
Until next time, I'm Becky Ham,and this is joyfully
(22:42):
Unstoppable.
Welcome to Joyfully Unstoppable,the podcast for women who are
ready to lead boldly, livelightly, and reclaim their joy.
Whether you're leading a team, aclassroom, a boardroom, or your
own big, beautiful life, I am soglad you found us.
I'm your host, Becky Ham,leadership coach, speaker and
(00:26):
founder of Women Lead Well.
After years of high levelleadership, I discovered that
success doesn't have to come atthe cost of your peace, your
values, or your wellbeing.
Each week, we'll explore what itmeans to lead with clarity,
confidence, and authenticity.
Even in a world that tells youto hustle harder and prove your
(00:47):
worth, you carry a lot.
Let's help it feel lighter.
Friends fall is coming where welive in Virginia.
The kids are already back inschool.
We have had Canada Geese campedout in our front yard the past
few days on their way south.
Uh, a bit stressful to myhusband because Canada Geese,
(01:08):
um, leave a lot behind and it'sa little gross, but the season
is changing.
And I am mindful that 2025 hasbeen a rough year for so many of
the women I coach, particularlyfor women who used to serve in
the federal government, who losttheir jobs as part of the
federal restructuring.
(01:29):
And it's additionallychallenging many of the federal
workers who lost their jobsreceive severance packages that
expire at the end of the fiscalyear, which is a short five
weeks away.
Compounding that is, that 2025wasn't just tough for federal
employees.
Folks in tech, higher ed, otherindustries have all taken a hit
(01:50):
this year with layoffs across anumber of those sectors, making
it even harder for people tofind jobs because there are so
many jobs seekers out thereright now.
And so I wanted us to spend sometime today.
Talking about joy.
I know it's counterintuitive,but just ride the ride with me
for a few minutes and see if youdon't understand.
(02:11):
I want us to talk about how wecan find joy even in the midst
of hardship, and we're gonnastart the conversation in
neuroscience.
So as humans, this isphenomenal.
Like it blew my mind when Ilearned this as humans.
All of our sensory systems, oureyes, our ears, our touch, you
know, the functions in our body,all of our sensory sys systems
(02:35):
receive about 11 million bits ofinformation per second.
Every second our brains canprocess about 10.
So, uh.
11 million bits of informationper second.
(02:56):
Our brains.
Can deal with 10.
The way we process thatinformation is through what's
called the reticular activatingsystem or RAS.
This is that thing that part ofus that if I say Red Honda
Civics, next time you get outinto the world and you're going
down, you're gonna see Red HondaCivics.
Why?
Because I have now told you, redHonda Civics, your brain has
(03:17):
picked up on Red Honda Civics.
So for the next couple of weeksyou're gonna see a lot of red
Honda Civics.
Hi Social Experiment Fund DM meto let me know.
But it's true, you will.
So the reticular activatingsystem or RAS focuses on the
things that the mind thinks isimportant, and so it filters
out, it mutes 10,999,990 bits ofinformation each and every
(03:44):
second to focus on the 10 thatare most likely to keep us alive
and red.
Honda Civics.
I'm so sorry, but so it goes.
How does your brain decide?
How does a reticular activatingsystem decide which 10 will keep
us alive?
Which 10 bits of information tofocus on.
Some of it is biological, right?
And so elevated heart rate,you're probably gonna notice
(04:06):
that, right?
Difficulty breathing, you'regonna key in on that.
You might not key in on, oh my,my tooth is sore.
If it's been sore for six weeks,right?
Your brain will filter thatinformation out or this is a
huge one, right?
If you stub your toe and thenbreak your arm, you're probably
(04:27):
gonna feel your arm hurting, notyour toe.
Why?
Because the arm is a bigger dealin terms of your life and
wellbeing than the toe is atthat moment.
If you hadn't broken your arm,you'd probably feel your toe.
Right, so some of it isbiological.
And some of it is what getsprimed by, where our brain has
put its energy and focus in thepast, this is why I'm saying Red
(04:50):
Honda, you're gonna see a bunchof red Honda Civics.
Why?
Because I've primed your brainto look for them, to notice them
when it sees them.
'cause again, 11 million bits ofinformation per second.
You already are saying a lot ofred Honda Civics.
It's just your RAS has mutedthat, so you don't notice that
it's in your line of sight.
You're gonna notice it now, Andthis logic of the thing that
(05:13):
you, you see what you expect tosee, or you see what you have
seen.
This is the source of theconfirmation bias, We see what
we expect to see.
Now let me bring it back to joy.
If we expect to see joy, we willsee joy.
If we expect to see stress,we're gonna find ourselves in a
(05:36):
heap load of stress.
Our objective circumstancesmight not change, but if we
focus on joy with intention forjust little bits at a time, if
we focus on joy with intention,then joy becomes more available
to us because our brain isn'tmuting it.
(05:56):
The reticular activating system,our RAS isn't turning the volume
down on joy to turn the volumeup on something else.
We have signaled to our brainsthat we wanna see more joy.
And so our brain shows us moreof it, Think of your brain as
like the super sweet Labradorretriever.
You say, Hey, go fetch.
It will go fetch.
But my friend, this is my point,you say, oh, this is awful.
(06:18):
Oh, I'm never gonna get anotherjob.
The market is so bad.
Your brain is gonna send youlots of confirming information.
And if you tell your brain,well, it sucks that I'm outta
work right now, but do you knowthis one little thing I'm gonna
do today.
I'm gonna find the joy in themoment, then your brain is gonna
bring you more of that.
And I wanna be super clear here.
(06:38):
I wanted to to take a moment andclarify.
This is not some like woo woomanifestation, good vibes only
nonsense.
Uh, that one, that ain't me.
Two, it doesn't, that's noright.
If you have listened to thispodcast for any length of time,
you will know that I am thefirst person to tell you to
always feel your actualfeelings, even when those
(07:01):
feelings are big and scary.
Right?
I'm gonna tell you to feel yourfeelings after you regulate your
nervous system, but this is notgood vibes only mumbo jumbo.
It is simply neuroscience.
Our brains cannot handle all thesensory data they receive in any
moment, and so our brainsfilter.
(07:21):
The beauty is that we have theability to shape that filter.
So if you're looking for a job,you will still be looking for a
job if you have a toxic boss.
For the moment, you're stillgonna have a toxic boss.
And I'm sorry that those, thatsucks, but you can still
experience joy in the midst ofthose circumstances.
(07:45):
And friend, like, why wouldn'tyou?
You are not gonna be unemployedforever.
That is just the fact.
And you won't work for a toxicboss forever either.
So why would you let atransitory set of circumstances
drag you down?
Especially when it is reallypretty easy to train your brain,
to bring you more joy.
So let's get into it.
(08:06):
Here are four actions you cantake this week to find joy
without your circumstanceschanging one bit.
Step one or thing one, I wantyou to release the pressure to
quote unquote, fix yourselffirst.
Setbacks often come with a sidedish of shame, right?
(08:28):
You think to yourself, I shouldbe grateful.
I should be able to handle this.
I just need to get through thisseason and then I can rest,
right?
I just need to send a hundredapplications a day and that
you're not but a week, right?
A hundred applications a week,right?
People do it and then I canfocus on the good, but those
(08:51):
beliefs, they only tighten thetrap.
Why?
Because you're putting yourfocus and your energy on the
negative.
On the absence of joy, you'retelling your brain, bring me
more of the yuckiness, right?
Because that's where you'reputting your attention.
And there is this, this myth.
Myth.
It is a lie, but it is one ofthe most damaging myths that we
(09:12):
carry, particularly as women, isthis idea that we have to be
like fully healed or we have tohave everything together before
we're allowed to feel good.
Right?
We treat joy like it's a rewardfor some kind of an
accomplishment.
And what I'm gonna say is thatjoy is not a reward.
(09:32):
Joy is a resource.
Joy is a source of energy andgoodness that allows us to
sustain through difficultperiods and allows us to sustain
through wonderful periods.
'cause you can wear yourself outduring a beautiful season of
life too, But Joy is one ofthose resources that helps build
us up and keep us sustained andkeep our lives sustainable
(09:55):
regardless of the circumstances.
And joy, especially when it'sexperienced in these small
frequent doses that we're gonnatalk about here in a second, it
can actually buffer the effectof stress.
So it can help with yourresilience through the difficult
periods.
And there's a psychologist,Barbara f Fredrickson, uh, she
(10:16):
has what's called the broadenand build theory that tells us
that positive emotions like joy,they don't just feel good, they
do, but they don't only feelgood, they also expand our
cognitive capacity.
This increases our resilience.
It promotes our long-termwellbeing.
So in other words, choosing joyisn't just selfish, and it's not
(10:37):
something you do after you'vealready gotten what you want.
Choosing joy is strategic.
It's the oxygen mask that helpsyou stay grounded while you
navigate leadership uncertaintyin your life.
Complexity, challenges,difficulty, setbacks.
So instead of waiting untileverything is perfect.
You just allow yourself a littleglimmer of joy today because
(11:01):
focusing on joy, especially thesmall joys, when you do that,
you're training that reticularactivating system.
You're training your brain to gofind you more of it.
And again, dutiful Labradorretriever, man, that brain's
gonna go out and it's gonna doit, and then you're on autopilot
and that's beautiful.
So.
Step one, you give yourselfpermission, joy now, not joy
(11:24):
later.
Joy is in the today.
Step two, you find your joy inthe micro moments.
You do not need a week longvacation or a six month
sabbatical to find joy.
And now please.
Do I want that for you?
Yes, of course I do.
Go find yourself a six.
Get a six month sabbatical.
Go take a two week vacation tosomeplace warm and relaxing or
(11:48):
cold and relaxing.
If you like to ski, whatever fi,follow your bliss, but you don't
wait for joy until thosemoments, Sometimes, all the
time.
What your nervous system reallyneeds is that three minute
reset.
Why?
Because those micro moments iswhere you signal to your nervous
(12:08):
system, to your body.
You are safe right now here inthis moment you are okay.
Maybe I don't like thecircumstances, but right now, in
this moment, we are okay.
Neuroscientists call theseglimmers.
They are small cues of safetythat regulate the nervous
(12:31):
system.
They spark calm and connection.
These moments help counteractthe fight, flight, freeze fawn
response, and they slowly buildour brain to have the capacity
it needs for joy.
It brings our brain online forjoy.
So here's some examples ofglimmers.
(12:53):
Again, this is highlyindividualized to the person.
I'm just giving you a few offthe top of my head.
You sit on your porch with yourmorning cup of coffee and you
let the, the sunshine, themorning light into your
eyeballs, right?
You just sit there and drinkyour coffee and watch the world
go by.
Watch those Canada geese outthere defying your front yard.
(13:15):
That might be a glimmer of joyto me.
I don't think it's a glimmer ofjoy to my husband.
The beauty of getting some ofthat morning light.
Is that the melatonin in youreyes?
I'm like looking at my eyes andpointing that, getting that
sunlight into your eyeballshelps with your melatonin
production to help, uh, you goto sleep at night.
It's a win-win, particularly forus.
Perimenopausal Ladies, anotherglimmer.
(13:37):
You listen to some music that,that you feel, right.
Maybe it's attached to a memory.
Maybe there's something aboutthe cadence, but that music that
stirs something in you,beautiful, right?
Light a candle.
I love this.
I light a candle with mycoaching calls, and so as I'm
coaching women that I have thislittle candle that burns for
about an hour and it just burnsdown, and it's just this, for
(14:00):
me, just this beautiful markerof the session, and there's
something that is so spiritual,I don't know about that candle
that it just, it keeps meanchored in the present.
It keeps me in that conversationand the, the, the sanctity of
that coaching call.
A glimmer might be sharing alaugh with someone you trust,
(14:23):
sending a silly meme to a friendand then you get one back,
right?
The moments themselves are notlife-changing moments, They're
everyday moments, but they bringyou joy.
They bring you back to thepresent.
They signal safety to your body,to your nervous system.
(14:43):
They are not throwaway moments.
They are the fuel, This is howyou find joy in the middle of a
difficult season by anchoringinto those small acts of
presence that reconnect you withyourself, Reconnect you with
safety and calm, even wheneverything feels heavy.
Now, this is number three.
(15:05):
Reconnect with what brings youto life, what lights you up.
Stress doesn't just empty yourenergy tank.
It can erase your sense of self.
You can stop asking What bringsme joy?
Because you're spending so muchtime asking, what do others need
from me right now?
What do I need to do to fix thissituation?
You externalize your sense ofself and you can alienate
(15:28):
yourself from yourself.
So a helpful way to startreconnecting with what brings
you to life is to revisit yourcore values.
Especially if there's some thatyou have maybe unintentionally
set aside, Research shows thatreconnecting with your values,
and that might be creativity, itmight be connection, it might be
(15:48):
autonomy.
Whatever matters most to you.
When you can reconnect withthose values, you increase your
resilience and you decrease theemotional impact of stress
because you're anchored intosomething of meaning for you.
And so quickly, I'm gonna giveyou three reflection questions
to explore.
(16:09):
Question one, when do I feelmost like myself?
Question two, what activities orenvironments give me energy
instead of draining it?
What are my energy engines?
And then what are my energyvampires, right?
You want more engines in yourlife than you've got vampires.
And then question number three,what did I love doing?
(16:33):
Before life got so difficult,This exercise is not about
reinventing yourself.
It's about remembering who youare, The version of you that
loved cooking, who lost track oftime, when you would write, who
felt deeply fulfilled mentoringothers, that woman is still
there.
Finding your joy starts withlistening to her voice again.
(16:55):
And if it would help, I've got afree values clarification
exercise that will let you getcrystal clear on your values so
you can reconnect more deeplywith those activities that light
you up.
And again, the more energy youput to that, the more your
training your brain to focusthere and bring you more of that
goodness every day, every day,even when you're not
(17:17):
intentionally trying to do it.
This is number four.
Build a daily joy practice thatdoesn't burn you out.
Once you begin to notice whatbrings you back to life, the
next step is to practice joyconsistently.
Now, I wanna be clear, this isnot one more thing on your to-do
list.
(17:37):
Think of it, it's so corny, andI'm sorry for it being so corny,
but think of it as like a joymenu, Just the simple, no
obligation list of the littlethings.
That you like to do, and you canchoose from this list every day
based on how much energy and howmuch time you have.
I just like having the listthere in place so you're not
wasting time brainstorming.
(17:58):
You can just look and say, oh,this one right now.
Right?
So you invest three, fourminutes on it.
Now you can do that on yourcommute.
You can do it while you're inthe shower.
You can think up the ideas,stick it in your smartphone, and
then it's always there for you.
The goal is that you don'tperform joy.
The goal is that you haveopportunities to experience joy.
(18:20):
So your joy menu might includefive minutes of movement with
your favorite playlist.
It might include steppingoutside to watch the clouds.
Those glimmers that I talkedabout a few minutes ago, those
glimmers are great things to puton your joy list.
Maybe on your joy list, youwanna read a few pages of a
novel.
(18:41):
That feels like an escape,right?
This isn't for work.
This isn't.
You should, this is, you get to,maybe it's journaling a few
sentences about what felt goodtoday, what you enjoyed about
the day you chronicle a win thatyou had for the day.
Maybe it's spending some timeweeding in the garden.
That is not a glimmer for me.
That is most definitely a chore,but they're people who love it,
(19:03):
right?
The point is, whatever is onyour list are not chores.
They're anchors.
Weaning the garden would not beon my joy list, but if it brings
you joy, put it on yours.
That's the point.
They're the things that bringyou joy.
You don't have to do'em all, Youjust pick when you've got a
(19:24):
moment or when you feel that thenegativity is taking over.
This is your anchor.
You say, okay, I'm gonna pickone right now and I'm gonna do
it right now, and then you justdo it.
And then tomorrow I'm gonna pickone right now.
I'm gonna do it right now.
I got 30 minutes for lunch.
I'm gonna do it in my lunchbreak.
I'm gonna do it during mycommute.
I'm gonna do it before I leavefor work.
(19:45):
Whatever you find, you find thetime you have it, stack it over
time.
It's the cumulation of the work.
It's the compound interest ofthe joy.
Over time, the small joys beginto rewire your brain.
They regulate your nervoussystem.
They rebuild your capacity.
(20:06):
That is how to find joy withoutoverwhelming yourself.
It is literally one moment at atime.
And so my friends, I'm gonnaleave you with this.
You deserve to feel good.
You deserve to experience joyevery single day.
You do not have to earn your wayinto joy.
You're allowed to feel good,even if you're still tired, even
(20:30):
if you're unsure, even if you'rehealing, even if your
circumstances.
Are difficult.
So if today feels heavy, askyourself what is one small thing
I can do to choose joy?
Not for anyone else.
Just for you.
And if I may make a suggestionfor today, let that one thing
(20:54):
that brings you joy.
Be making your joy menu.
'cause you're just gonna spendfive minutes and you're just
gonna write down all the thingsyou love.
And just thinking about allthose things that you love
doing.
We will bring you joy.
So step one, right?
Just get the early win and thenthat list is there for tomorrow
because my friend, finding yourjoy is not a luxury.
(21:16):
It's a lifeline, and it is notsomething you have to do alone.
If you are ready to find morejoy, if you would like to lock
in and really anchor in joy andtell your brain that you want
more of it, I would love toinvite you to join the Women
Lead Well Community over onFacebook.
In it, I share additionalleadership tips and
(21:36):
encouragement every week, and wework together as a community to
build each other up and helpeach other grow.
It is a strong signal to yourreticular activating system that
you are supported and committedto your growth as a leader.
I'll leave a link in the shownotes below for you, and if this
episode spoke to you, I wouldlove for you to share it with a
(21:59):
friend who's running on empty.
We need more women leading fromalignment, not adrenaline.
And please don't forget to likeand subscribe.
It really helps a small littlepodcast like mine, be shown to
other people who maybe don'tknow about it yet.
Next week we're talking aboutnavigating the messy middle and
what to do when you feel stuck,so you won't wanna miss that
one.
(22:20):
You can also grab our freeresources, like the Values
Clarificationexercise@womenleadwell.net, and
LinkedIn, the show notes below.
Remember, joyful, sustainable,and authentic leadership is
possible and you deserve toenjoy every minute of it.
Until next time, I'm Becky Ham,and this is joyfully
(22:42):
Unstoppable.
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