April 8, 2025 • 67 mins
What happens when we approach our emotional wounds with genuine curiosity instead of judgment? In this soul-stirring conversation with licensed therapist Ruth Tessema, we journey through the landscape of complex trauma and discover powerful paths toward healing and transformation.
Ruth, a trauma specialist whose work blends traditional therapy with holistic approaches like somatic healing and breathwork, shares profound insights about how our bodies store memories that our minds have forgotten. When Ruth reveals that her own work in school settings triggered her nervous system without her conscious awareness, we witness the mysterious ways trauma operates beneath the surface of our daily lives.
The conversation takes a deeply personal turn as we explore morning anxiety, vivid dreams, and physical symptoms of CPTSD. Ruth explains how the body's fight-or-flight responses continue long after traumatic experiences end, creating patterns that feel impossible to escape. Yet within this challenge lies remarkable hope—our neurological systems can be rewired through compassionate attention and consistent safety-building practices.
Perhaps most revealing is our exploration of blended family dynamics and how they can activate our deepest childhood wounds. When stepchildren trigger unexpected jealousy or resentment, it's often our own inner child crying out for nurturing. The breakthrough comes in recognizing these moments as opportunities for healing rather than sources of shame.
"What's familiar about this situation?" emerges as the golden question—a doorway into understanding our triggers through the lens of compassionate curiosity. By embracing both gentleness and firm boundaries with ourselves, we can parent the wounded parts that still live within us.
If you've ever felt overwhelmed by emotional responses that seem disproportionate, struggled with anxiety that hijacks your mornings, or found yourself reacting to loved ones in ways you don't understand, this conversation offers not just insight but a roadmap for transformation. Your capacity for healing isn't just possible—it's already wired within you, waiting to be awakened.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
A lot of the times it is like, okay, let's look in
ourselves, like what is what islike?
My favorite question to ask,like this realm of curiosity is
what's familiar about thissituation?
You know, like is it?
You know what's familiar aboutthis?
That's activating me.
Where do I feel it in my body?
I think it's really interesting,like when we feel things in our
(00:21):
throat, you know, it's like Iwasn't able to say something, or
I want to say something and Ican't, or I fear like being
judged, or I was crying out andI wanted to say something and it
wasn't heard, or I'm not seen.
That's the heart space.
It's like all that love butit's all pain, you know, and so
(00:44):
I it's like, what is familiarabout this?
And I always have clients ask,like in any situation that's
coming up, like so this happenedat work or this happened when
so-and-so said this.
Well, it's familiar about that,you know, and we process it and
we go down this curious rabbithole of compassionate you know,
compassionate curiosity and justasking like what are those
(01:07):
unexpressed wounds, unexpressedparts of ourselves that couldn't
quite feel like it could be outin the open, or it's exiled
away in this castle so far away?
And then something triggered itand protectors within our body
is like, oh no, you're gettingclose, let's not, let's cover it
up and blame this person, orlike we're going to, you know,
(01:31):
show up in this like judgment.
It's about them, it's not aboutus, you know, but really
sometimes it's kind of like theother way around too, and that's
okay, ladies and gentlemen.
(02:11):
Ladies and gentlemen, you're insuch a sunny day where you are
and oh, your little dog.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is my.
This is where I like spend allmy time.
I have some patio furniture andI live in Mississippi, so it
like, even on a, even on a coldday, if I just bring like a
heated blanket out, I'm good togo perfect, that is perfect.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
What's your dog's name?
Speaker 2 (02:34):
her name is Shiloh, come here.
Shiloh, oh my goodness so cute,she's my, my little emotional
support animal, for sure yeah, Ilove that.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
She just popped up right when we started, right.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
Let me get my clothes .
Yeah, she likes the attention,for sure.
Well, how are you?
I'm doing well.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
I'm doing well I'm, I'm excited for this.
I also appreciate, like, yeah,the scheduling thing.
I'm just like, oh my goodness,I think, because, uh, we wanted
to do this like in November.
Um, yeah, it was.
It was a tough month.
There was a lot happening inNovember, I'm sure everyone
knows.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
I so feel that yeah felt awkwardly good.
Oh, you know what it is.
You know what it is.
That's lotion.
She's.
Oh yeah, I'm like, why are webeing so, oh so affectionate?
Yeah, you smell like food.
Oh yeah, so well, maybe.
(03:43):
Maybe that's a good startingpoint for us, because I was
reading the notes and you're anLPC you help people with
wellness.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
I'm specialize in working with folks who have
trauma history developmentaltrauma, some emotional injuries,
(04:11):
depression, anxiety is kind oflike something that comes with
it.
So that comes up a lot tooRelationship, communication,
boundaries, all that good stuffthat comes with having some
trauma and how the body storesall of that.
So a lot of the work that I dois online, sometimes in person,
(04:34):
and yeah, so I also haveworkshops.
I host workshops around innerchild work parts work, workshops
around inner child work partswork, somatic healing, anxiety
(04:54):
and also breath work and soundbath facilitator as well.
So, yeah, it's a couple ofthings there, but like the
modality is really just aholistic approach to mental
health and wellness.
You know decolonizing as muchas I can and you know tending to
the body, especially when itcomes to complex trauma
survivors, because I think a lotof it is like head heavy and so
(05:18):
bottom up approaches and it'skind of getting, you know,
pretty popular now, but it'sjust such a different way of
working with people and workingwith the body first.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
So you mentioned the complex, the complexity.
So CPTSD I didn't know whatthat was until I started on my
own mental health journey, andyou know.
So I don't know how much youknow about me, um, but my story
is childhood neglect uh, leftalone a lot, had to essentially
(05:53):
raise my siblings.
So domestic violence uh, lotsof drug abuse around me, uh,
physical, well, that is domesticviolence, but physical abuse,
uh, just not a fosteringenvironment for, you know, a
young, fragile mind, and so, uh,to this day, like this morning,
even now, I have my good days.
(06:13):
I'm still trying to figure outwhat is prompting those good
days.
But whenever I was trying tofigure out, so let's say like,
and I remember in 2019, um, in2019, I remember waking up one
(06:34):
morning and just feel I thoughtI was going to die because my I
didn't know at the time myanxiety was so bad that it makes
sure it was making my heartfeel as if I was like it was
going to like too fast, almost,and and then I was physically
vomiting, my body was showing me, like you know, and so, anyway,
this has been going on forseveral years of my life and I
(06:56):
still deal with this.
So I started trying to figureit out and I noticed that the
times I get the most anxious, orit's like right before bed I
don't want to go to bed, it'salmost like I'm missing out on
something, or I'm afraid tosleep because I don't enjoy
sleep.
My dreams are very vivid.
I revisit a lot of likechildhood memories and things
that I guess, probably some ofthose core memories, some of
(07:21):
that core trauma probably and Irevisit that, I still revisit
houses and I have super luciddreams and.
But the worst is waking up andthe way I describe it to people
and the way I've described it tomy husband and we're figuring
it out throughout the years, isthat it makes sense.
It makes sense, jacqueline One.
You're a kid that's supposed tobe getting sleep and going to
(07:41):
school and you're like raisingbabies and staying up all night
wondering where your parents areand then and then, when you
wake up, either you're gettingyelled at or there's a screaming
child that you're worried aboutprotecting, or like there are
people in your house thatshouldn't be there rummaging
through things, and it's like nofucking wonder.
So to this 35 years old Ruth, Istill wake.
(08:02):
I woke up this morning and I'mjust and I my husband knows I
just go into fetal position andI hum and it's just yeah.
So, with that being said,that's how I found out about
complex Um, and so we're sayingthat November was a really hard
month.
Uh, if you want to share that,go for it, or there was a lot
going on.
But what I find is that forsome of us who have CPTSD, who
(08:28):
have had really rough likeupbringings, it's really hard
that time of the year, likeholidays.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
It wasn't until my 30s that I really.
It wasn't until I had a childof my own.
I think that I started enjoyingthe holiday Because, ultimately
, at least what I've found withmy clients is that those who
have the CPTSD um holidays arekind of a trigger because they
weren't, they didn't feel loved,they felt alone.
Yeah, anyway, I'd love to hearyour thoughts on everything that
(08:58):
I just dumped on you.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
Yeah, no, no, not at all.
Not a dumping like this is.
Um, oh no, not at all.
Not a dumping Like this is.
Yeah, this I actually relate alot to you and your story and
we're the same age too and, youknow, just like around 2019,
which I was already working atthat time too but I noticed like
(09:19):
a complete burnout and Inoticed a lot of the symptoms
that I thought were, you know,dealt with.
I think I did my work, I'm readyto go out in the world and
stuff, and that is when itshowed up for me the most, right
before the pandemic.
And then the pandemic in itsown was just a nightmare I did.
(09:42):
I forgot to mention I startedout as a school counselor and so
, interestingly enough, schoolwas a triggering environment and
as an elementary schoolcounselor I am, you know,
talking with these preciouschildren and working with
teachers and the parents andgoing in classrooms, and I
(10:08):
didn't know it, my consciousawareness didn't know what was
happening, but my body was likein alarm state almost all the
time and it did get worse andworse.
And when the pandemic hit and Iwas starting to work virtually
and deliver these social,emotional lessons, that is when
I felt better because I'mvirtual and I'm not in the
(10:31):
school, but I'm still workingwith the same kids and it was
pretty jarring to know how muchthe body stores, how much is
really hidden in thesubconscious and how much how
disconnected our body can bewith you know, our thinking
(10:52):
brain.
You know, and like you weretalking about going to bed, and
that's a very common thing, likein my experience as well, and
like clients that I see going tobed, our most vulnerable state,
right, like we are supposed tobe out for several hours.
But if our bodies are still inthis fight flight and because of
(11:13):
the stored, whatever it may be,the pain, the trauma, the
memories it's not going to wantto rest and there's a lot of
repatterning that needs tohappen in a loving,
compassionate way.
And man, is it hard, and I knowyou know that too.
It is hard work.
It's always ongoing too.
It doesn't really stop.
(11:33):
The amazing piece of CPTSD Ithink there are many, to be
honest.
But one thing that I really holddear to my heart is that a lot
of this is rewirable, if thatmakes sense.
It doesn't quite feel likewe're ever going to get close to
(11:54):
that point, but these smallchanges of building safety, like
you're talking about, like yourhusband, just like holding you
when you're having the highsymptoms, right, like waking up
whenever it is, like thoseelements of safety sprinkled
throughout our day can really doso much to the nervous system
(12:14):
as it repatterns and it createssafety in the body and hopefully
connects the parts that are inthis busy thinking, managing,
protecting role, um, and thenthe body wanting to just shut
things down or freeze up or yellor scream, um, kind of working
together and so, um, yeah, it's,it's, it's something that can
(12:37):
you know.
Post-traumatic growth if you'veever heard that is such an
amazing thing.
Um's studies out there thatshow that.
I can't remember where the studyis from, but several studies
that show that people who havesuffered from PTSD, complex PTSD
, and then have treatment plans,depending on I don't know like
(13:01):
what they are, but mostlybody-centered treatment plans
can live happy, successful livesand actually even more
successful than those who didn'teven experience the traumas you
know, compared to our peers whodidn't have, you know, these
type of developmental traumasgrowing up.
So it's pretty fascinating.
(13:23):
It's different from any othermental health disorder but, or
like personality disorders,things like that.
But yeah, that that's somethingthat I, you know, really hold
dear to my heart in my ownjourney.
But yeah, I can go on aboutlike some specific stories too,
if you want, but I just want, Iwant to pause here for a sec.
(13:45):
But man, like I do, I just want, but I just want, I want to
pause here for a sec, but man,like I do.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
I just want to say, jacqueline, I relate a lot to
your story, like a lot.
Yeah, it's really weird how soit's.
You know how hard it is toshare your story in the
beginning, right?
Yeah, definitely it's so scary.
And then I think just hearingyou say something like I relate
to that is so, in a sense,gratifying, because I have you
(14:18):
know as a person, you feel alonefor a long time, like so anyway
, thank you, thank you for beinghere.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
Thank you for making this happen.
Like I think I saw you onInstagram around the time that I
was doing like a rage event, asacred rage event.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yeah, and Isaw some of your posts and I
was like this is like I don'tknow.
The algorithm is algorithming.
I love it.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
Can I tell you what it was?
Yeah, actually, so earlier thisyear.
So I have she's become like oneof my best friends and I
finally get to meet her inJanuary in Chicago.
But my best friend, who is alsomy business coach, she really
got me on track this year andshe was like Jacqueline, what's
(15:05):
your next goal with the podcast?
And me, I'm a fly by the seat ofmy pants kind of gal.
You know all that trauma, likealways gotta go, you can't hold
me down and so.
But she got me in shape and shewas like we just can, let's get
an outline together and let'sstart like making sense of these
episodes and getting someprofessionals on and it.
(15:29):
I think it was just a God thing, ruth, because I didn't know
who you were.
What I did was is I wentthrough and I made an outline in
my spreadsheets and I'll behonest, I use a little Chad GPT
and I was like help me form theperfect podcast schedule to 100
episodes and I want it toinvolve trauma.
I gave it all these things Iwanted it to be and I wanted to
(15:49):
map out, um, my episodes to the100th episode.
So you're part of that, by theway.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
It's like yes so huge , so special, that's so special
right and so she was getting mefamiliar with.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
She was like get in there, get an instagram and find
some people and just see whoyou're drawn to, and so chat
with gpt was like let's get youa therapist or a licensed
professional or something likethat.
And I was like that sounds sogood because I talk about this
stuff all the time, but I'mtrying to like go, mel robbins
big and get some really amazing,inspiring wizards on here like
(16:29):
yourself that are just sointelligent and in your zone of
genius.
And so, anyway, I just trustedand I said, okay, let's go and
let's look.
And I was looking up therapyand holistic wellness and I
found you and I literally wentin my little spreadsheet and I
went this is my first choice.
I don't even think I had asecond choice.
(16:51):
I was just gravitated towardsyou and I wrote you and you.
So it was basically like I'mgoing to be my audience knows I
felt like a little, uh, I willsay a wussy with a P, we'll say
that.
I will say a wussy with a P,we'll say that A wussy with a P,
a wussy with a P, just in casethere are kids nearby listening.
(17:12):
Like you said, it's a beautifulday they could be like right
around the corner.
Yep, got to be careful, don'twant to cause them any trauma.
But no, you were just, you wereon my list and I reached out
and I think you were like, Ithink you pretty much were like
(17:33):
thank you for your interest, Ineed to go listen to this to see
if it's aligned.
And then you did, and you cameback and you're like okay, I
kind of love you, yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:41):
I'm here for it.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
I'm totally for it, yeah, yeah and that's how we so
it's just kismet.
It's, yeah, the little uhbreadcrumbs that we were
supposed to find.
I think, yeah, yeah it's, it'sreally cool.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
I think you know so I'm assuming you're you know
that yeah, that is like such ahuge part in this work, in this
healing, in our own personaljourneys, um, connection to
(18:16):
earth, you know, mother nature,timing, uh, if we're, if we're
connected to numbers,synchronicities, things like
that.
Like that usually is a hugeindicator to help me know that
I'm on the right path.
You know, and I have so manydifferent practices.
Sometimes it's faith-based,most times it's not at all, and
(18:39):
I think people sometimes getconfused.
You know spirituality and youknow faith and things like that
too.
But I think for people on theirhealing journeys, like it is so
important to have rituals andtechniques that help you align
with, like you know, things thatmaybe like energy that you
can't quite see but you know andyou can feel.
And that's going to involveother people in your path as
(19:02):
teachers, as helpers, asinfluencers, as people that
actually kind of you know, evendo the harm too to, like you
know, help you.
Not that you have to learn fromthe harm, like in that way, but
kind of help you evolve andgrow so you can work towards
that post-traumatic growth.
(19:23):
It's I can, I can.
That's like another, maybeanother episode, cause I I see
my brain kind of going into this, like that dimension there, and
I want to be careful.
Speaker 2 (19:35):
I love that so much though, because, no, I'm we call
it squirrel brain or shinyobject.
I go off on tangents, and it'sso funny, I love it.
I love it, though, well.
So you said something and Iwant to bring it back because
I'm curious about it.
It's so interesting.
You said something about youwere talking about, like the
(19:57):
PTSD and CPTSD recovery processand how, once, with the right we
say treatment um or yeah, we'lljust say treatment that you can
go on to be way more successfulthan the average person who has
had what I would say is like aa normal life.
(20:18):
Yeah, you know, a kind of asheltered life is what my brain
sees it as, because I was outthere like struggling.
So, in my mind, like with myown kids too.
So, quick backtrack, I have adaughter she's going on 12.
And then I have a son with myhusband now, and he has three
(20:44):
boys from his previous marriage.
So we've got a big family, bigblended family, and it's been
really yeah, it's been reallyinteresting to navigate too,
though, like it's a lot offeelings that come out and I've
learned a lot about myself.
Like that I do.
And you, you mentionedsomething about being in the
school being triggered.
I didn't realize how triggeredI would be by my husband's kids.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
Yeah, oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:10):
That's really rough.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
Did you have siblings ?
Yeah, yeah, you were evil.
Yeah, you said you were thecaretaker.
Yeah, I was the oldest of six.
Speaker 2 (21:19):
Yeah, so I think, you know, I'd get mad at my
siblings a lot too, and it wasmore of the because I was pushed
into the mother role and I'mjust, I think what it is is.
I feel like as a child I knewmy place, like I knew my place
right.
I knew what I was supposed todo, what I wasn't supposed to do
.
I was on guard.
I had to, like I call it,transform for whoever came into
(21:43):
the room.
How do I transform?
Speaker 1 (21:44):
for them.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
So I think that a lot of the trauma start coming out
as a stepmom because there's somany boundaries there.
But what I'm seeing and what'sinteresting is you said you were
triggered by it being in theschool You're doing a lot better
by doing the virtual thing.
I'm very much the same.
The thought of going back tolike having to work in person
really freaks me out.
I host a retreat once a year.
I do VIP days.
I am really, I guess, budgetingmy energy and whatnot.
(22:16):
What I find so interesting is apoint that you made that, with
the right love and nurtureprocess, after having PTSD or
CPTSD, that you go on to livesuch a productive life, which is
, I say, every single day.
It fucking sucks what I had togo through.
(22:36):
Would I trade it now?
Because I yeah, like really,because I find myself and it's
not that I'm insensitive, but Ithink it makes me such a great
leader that, having had to gothrough all that I've been
homeless, I've been a sex worker, I've I've done anything and
everything to try to fill thatvoid.
Yeah, you can't come to me andmake excuses anymore, like I
(23:00):
know what people are capable of.
And so we're getting to thepoint.
I promise we're getting there.
What are you?
I mean, what is yourperspective on all of that?
You know it, it's so funny,Like it's I call it like the
preacher's daughter effect.
The kids who have it reallygood and have a sheltered life
(23:21):
and have parents that like theyhave their life kind of planned
out for them and like theyreally they don't they're first
world problems.
You know, like is what I cansay not to say that their
feelings are inadequate or thatthey don't feel alone or
something like that.
But and then I see people whohave grown up around addiction
or have fallen into addictionpretty much followed the
(23:42):
footsteps, trying to break thegenerational curses, which I did
.
That too, I became an addict.
I became you know, I justmentioned the webcam, the sex
work and all that I became analcoholic.
Swore I wouldn't do that.
You know I have been withnumerous narcissist men swore I
wouldn't do that.
Yeah, what do you?
What do you?
What are your thoughts there?
(24:03):
Like, why is that?
Do you get what I'm trying tosay?
Yeah, yeah, I yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
So what is that about , like, like, what is it about
kind of having those samepatterns?
Speaker 2 (24:16):
Well, it's just like how?
So it's probably the mom in meand where our we're not going to
get into politics, I'm not apolitical person, but we're like
where our country is at as awhole.
I just look and I'm like how isit that we have it so good in
today's society and yet peopleare still creating problems?
And but so like the people whoI would expect to be doing well
(24:37):
and not be so entitled are, andthen the people who have, I mean
, fucking had absolutely nothing, are like the ones out there
killing it, yeah, trying to helpthe people who are in their
heads and going, or like stuckon autopilot in a sense.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
Yeah, like the people without the traumas.
There you go, there you go, yes, okay, yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:01):
Yeah, you're piecing it together, sorry.
No, you're good.
No, you're good.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
You know, I I think about that too.
I think about that too.
I think about that with thechildren, um, children that I
worked with in the schools, Ithink, and their parents, and
not to analyze anything likethat, but it's not always what
it seems, for lack of a betterway, I like to think about
(25:30):
reparenting, and I see the tiehere reparenting and I see the
tie here reparenting as like acombination of gentleness and
firmness, and I feel like, youknow, we're gentle, gentle,
we'll have anxious children.
We'll like formula, anxiouschildren, we're firm, firm,
we'll develop anxious children.
(25:50):
If we have, you know, oneparent that's this, and then the
other parent that's this.
It's very confusing.
And then it's like, well, youknow.
So I wonder, like, with thepeople that are growing up, in a
little bit of both, I wonderwhat will happen after they've.
(26:10):
You know, if you think about,like, the hero's journey, are
you familiar with that?
Like we go through these trialsand tribulations and then we go
through this like catalysticsituation, we meet our teachers
and then, like it sheds certainparts of us to come to light, so
that we can find, like, maybetowards self-actualization or
(26:34):
something like that.
I don't know if this isconnecting to what you're saying
about, like, how people are, umare different.
I don't know about, like,what's going on with that.
I mean, maybe if you canclarify a little bit more before
I go into that, Well, so you?
Speaker 2 (26:49):
yeah, I was on track with what you're saying.
You are, I was, I was, I don't.
Okay, you were on point traumaversus no trauma.
Yet the people with trauma aregoing on to, after they get
through all it, like it's makingthem stronger people.
You know what I mean and itseems like the one like.
My goal as a parent is toreduce, like, have as minimal
(27:16):
amount of trauma my children aspossible, right, but I also
don't want to produce soft,entitled assholes, yes, yes, so
it's like I.
That's probably where theresentment comes from.
Whenever I see it's not just mystepchildren, it's my children,
too, that are acting entitled,but it's but like you're,
(27:36):
literally.
You wanted your children tohave the best life, and so it's
like a double edged sword, likeI'm worried we're raising bricks
.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
OK, gotcha.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
But I don't want them to go through a fraction of
what I had to go through to be asolid human being.
Does that make more sense?
Speaker 1 (27:56):
Oh yeah, yeah, that definitely makes sense.
I literally was talking aboutthis with a client.
You know she also has CPDSD andwants to have children and is
just so worried about, you know,the mother wounds, you know the
ancestral traumas, the all thethings in the bloodline that
(28:19):
she's trying to repattern, andthen like very anxious, like if
I have kids, like well, what amI going to do?
And then I have other peoplewho already have children and
are worried, you know, asthey're embarking on, you know
school age, you know what willhappen to them if you know the
parents are still trying to workon developing a sense of safety
(28:42):
in the home and teaching themand preventing.
You know all these other things.
Honestly, I think, going back tosafety and the balance between
being gentle and loving andcompassionate and curious, with
the other area of firmness,which includes boundaries and
(29:05):
discipline, consequences thatare very reasonable and can
instill a lot of responsibilityat developmentally healthy.
You know stages that can do somuch and it sounds like it's a
lot, but it's really as simpleas developing the safety in the
(29:26):
home and within yourrelationship with them and then
within yourself also as a, as a,as a you know I relate to that
caretaker part of you as well,and then, just, you know, being
like a maternal figure in the,in our families as well.
So it's a combination of that.
But I think we can kind ofsometimes feel like we can
(29:50):
control everything and all of it, and you know their, their own
individuals, and we can only doso much and a lot of it isn't
something that you know we can.
Even.
You know control over someinfluence and so, yeah, I hope
that kind of brings like maybe adifferent direction to it or a
different perspective to it inthe light of like safety within
(30:15):
our own sense of self.
And then being curious againwith ourselves.
Our shadow parts get curiousabout that, compassionate about
that, challenging that as well.
So, being gentle and firm withourself firm with ourself, you
(30:39):
know, in our experiences to healemotional pain, and then that
can absolutely transcend intothe circles that you're in in
your home.
You know the people you workwith and can relieve some
pressure and burden.
That as that caretaker.
I think it's kind of interesting.
We're talking about caretakers.
You know feeling that we needto.
You know control or protect.
You know as much as possiblebecause we saw, we saw so much
(31:04):
that we shouldn't have seen orexperienced so much that we
shouldn't have experienced.
So yeah, I mean, children arevery interesting, right, they're
sponges, you know they could beinteresting gems.
You know what I mean by gems,you know and like, but yeah, I
can.
It feels it makes sense torelieve a lot of that pressure
(31:26):
from ourselves, especially ifwe've had experiences that felt
like we kind of were responsiblefor someone's whole journey in
their life.
You know, I know it's precioustimes, but yeah, I don't know.
What do you think about that?
Speaker 2 (31:44):
I find it all very interesting because the word
that keeps coming up for you twois safety.
And yeah, no, that all makessense.
It was.
It was kind of a kick in theface.
I like I had to come out andadmit that Like I was literally
(32:04):
I didn't realize this and thisis going to make me sound bad,
but I really don't give a shitbecause I think that it's
something that a lot of likestep-parents don't speak on.
It's been very interestingbecause it's a different kind of
love.
It's just a different.
It's not that I don't love mylike.
I call them all my kids.
They're all my kids, right?
(32:25):
My husband and I have beentogether I think five years now,
so it's and getting togetherwas like another traumatic event
because right around then I was, I lost, we lost.
When I got pregnant, we lostour first baby.
My daughter's dad had just died.
It was a whole thing.
I was in the middle of acustody battle, all kinds of
(32:45):
things, and so finding figuringout how to become a blended
family overnight was superinteresting because it was just
the two of us, my daughter,myself, and then I get pregnant
and then we get married and wego from just the two of us to
once her brother's born anovernight family of seven, Right
?
So, and I was so over them.
(33:08):
I was like I found, because Ihave, I'm the oldest of six,
right, I always thought I wasgoing to have this huge family
and I was going to redo it anddo it the right way.
That's what I said.
And but then I was faced withthis whole new set of challenges
Like how do I figure out how toshow them all that I love them
and that they I don't see any ofthem differently.
And then what was reallyinteresting for me is when I
(33:31):
found myself and this is thepart that I'm like this is gonna
sound bad, but I was jealous ofmy husband's youngest for
probably the first three or fouryears, Because what I found was
that so, first off and I thinkthat some people can probably
relate with this, especially ifyou live down south but my
(33:53):
husband's nine years older thanme, so we're, it's different
generations, you know, like theway that we communicate, I like
to text, he likes to, he's callme like I'm going to talk to you
about it.
So a lot of things are different.
But, like, personality wise,he's not emotional, he will go
(34:16):
out of his way to show emotion.
And then you get his little boyover here and he's cuddling and
scratching his back and I'mjust, and it finally hit me.
It finally hit me.
I'm so much like his son.
He's like a little grumpy,grumpy old man.
All he wants to do is like withhis blanket, sit there and
watch his programs.
So I finally figured out it wasmy inner child, so wounded, and
(34:37):
then I didn't have a dad growingup.
So here I see my husband whodoes not show me that kind of
affection on her Like unless Iask for it going out of his way.
And how shitty of that is.
I felt so shitty.
I'm like because and but italways took me putting myself in
in his shoes, Like that's hisfucking look, Like what?
(34:58):
And I realized so quickly thatit was because of all of that I
went without as a kid.
And now we are giving ourchildren all that we wanted and
my little girl is like but whatabout me?
Yeah, get all that.
And so what are your uh, maybe,thoughts on?
(35:20):
Because those are, those are,these are real problems, these
are real feelings that peoplehave, that they're keeping to
themselves, that they, yeah.
And what happens is when wedon't talk about it, like we
will wind up resenting thefamily we've built.
It's really insane, yeah, and Ijust we're over that.
I've worked through that andthis little dude is like my best
(35:43):
friend and I love my family somuch, so freaking much, and it
would kill me.
I just had a conversation withthem the other day and this may
hopefully this didn't create anytrauma, Ruth.
I just had a conversation withthem the other day and this may
hopefully this didn't create anytrauma, Ruth, but the fighting
and the disrespect and I justthey made mama cry and I cried
(36:05):
in the car, in the van, and Ididn't yell at them, but I cried
with compassion and I said Ineed you all to please start
getting along.
We've got to start gettingalong.
I'm working so hard and to seeyou guys not happy when you have
everything you need.
I'm not saying that yourfeelings are invalid, but like I
had to be real with my oldestbecause we got two 11s that are
(36:26):
about to be 12.
We got a 15 year old.
The other two are six and three, but I had to tell them.
I'm like I need you guys tounderstand like the impact of
our family unit and that if wecan't make it work, they've been
through a divorce before.
I don't want that to happen,but I'm worried that I don't
(36:51):
want a wedge to come between usand I don't want to lose my
family again.
But the older they get, Inoticed that they kind of pit us
against each other.
You've got, you've got, youknow his ex-wife and they've got
their family, and then you'vegot us over here and it's just,
and then so it's like it's not.
It's not like unrealistic tosay that we could get divorced
(37:16):
one day because it's just notworking out.
The blend is not blending.
So what is your perspective onthat?
Because I know this is this isa real life problem and people
stay in relationships trying tomake it work.
But like, what are your?
What's your perspective there?
Any, any tips, any tricks onhow to for the blended people
out there?
Speaker 1 (37:33):
Oh yeah, well, first of all, thank you for naming
that, because you're right.
Like I don't think a lot ofpeople do talk about.
Yeah, we're not talking aboutthat.
Yeah, the intricate aspects ofblended families and with
littles, and then, on top ofthat, our own complex or
developmental inner child woundsright, those wounds coming up.
(37:55):
And then we've got theselittles that are around the same
age where we had a completelydifferent kind of life and we're
feeling like we're doing somuch for them and it doesn't
feel like it's maybeappreciative or it doesn't feel
like they're even like gettingalong.
It doesn't feel like they'redoing anything to like make some
, like be part of the familythat is like cohesive and calm
(38:19):
and stuff.
I think like the, the retraumatization piece I think is
is a big element that I don'tknow if people are experiencing
to the point where they areaware of it, like you're saying
like I discovered this little,where they are aware of it.
Like you're saying like Idiscovered this little, this
little girl that was beingactivated and showing up more.
(38:40):
When this kind of dynamic ishappening, you know, I honestly
like I think it's just hard.
I think it's hard Like familytherapy is like one thing that
can help Play therapy with thekids.
There's also like theirperspective of it too.
(39:00):
I can imagine around being theage that they are the parental
figures in their life and maybeeither getting influenced by the
other you know, maybe their mom, and like what she's going
through, or maybe just liketrying to figure out, like what,
how they're supposed to bewhile they're the age that they
(39:23):
are.
And but I guess I'm also moreconcerned about your parts,
right, cause your parts arefeeling all of this and to the
point where you're like all ofthis and to the point where
you're like all I want you to dois just get along, you know.
So family therapy is one aspectof it too, but I guess, like
you know, bringing in thisaspect of inner child work and
(39:50):
that shadow work of like beingcompassionate and curious about
her, and bringing in umwitnessing her and hearing her
story.
So I don't know how much of umlike individual therapy and
community therapy and you knowall those things that you're
doing.
I'm sure you're doing a lot ofthat, but you know, bringing
that in a little bit more toincrease some of that curious
(40:13):
compassion for her.
I also wonder about, you know,his involvement to your husband
and seeing, like you know, theemotional piece is something
that you, your parts, arewanting more.
And if it's not quite there.
You know what kind of what kindof strategies or conversations
(40:36):
can we have to increase some ofthat for you?
Yeah, there's, there's a lot ofthings that I'm thinking about,
but I, I, I mean, I'd love tolike hear a little bit about any
of those things that arelanding.
I don't want to assume, butyeah.
Speaker 2 (40:52):
Yeah, so yeah, no, all that.
So you spoke to all that and I,I went, yeah, I experienced all
that.
That's when, so the jealousywas evidence of something that I
desired, right, and yeah, likeI was saying, you keep
mentioning inner child andgetting curious, the word is
(41:13):
curious, and then that's safety,that word.
Speaker 1 (41:18):
Compassion and curiosity.
Speaker 2 (41:20):
I don't know.
I don't know what it was.
One day I know what it was.
And again, I say things thatmake me sound shitty, but
they're real thoughts.
They're real and they're notwilling to admit to.
Speaker 1 (41:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (41:38):
But I was.
I was, oh, I know what it was.
When my husband and I starteddating, the agreement what I?
I broke up with him in thebeginning.
We were together for about Idon't know two or three weeks.
I broke up with him because Ihad a realistic conversation.
You know, I'm almost 30.
I want more kids.
You've got three.
Is that a possibility?
And he said no, and so I waslike okay, bye.
(41:58):
We wound it back together.
He fell in love with me, gave mea baby, obviously, but before
that it was the spiritualwarfare for me, what like?
I felt like I was settling, butI also didn't want him to feel
like he was settling likethere's no, there should never.
Like this should be somethingthat we both want to do.
It shouldn't be an accident,none of that.
And um, and all of a sudden ithit me one day, some resentment
(42:22):
that I'd had built up and I waslike why?
Why do I feel that way, otherthan I feel, like some, that I'm
not getting what I deserve.
Getting what I deserve and thisis the part that sounds shitty.
His, his ex-wife, is what Iwould consider.
(42:42):
She is like a trophy.
Okay, she, she's got it goingon.
She's beautiful, she is justwell known in the community, big
heart.
I have nothing ill to say andso so, but I can't help but
compare yourself to that.
Sure, yeah, but it hit me thathis youngest would only ever see
(43:06):
us together.
And that just hit different forme Because, again, it was this
sense of jealousy.
I'm not going to, he's notgoing to give me a baby, but
they have a baby and I have towatch them raise this baby
together.
And it was really hard.
And then there was thisoverwhelming sense of like
acceptance one day and I said,yeah, but when he sees his dad
(43:29):
with somebody, it's you, soyou'd still get to be his mom,
in a sense, like I'm never goingto claim that title, but I get
to nurture him and, you know,help raise him.
And so that started to reallyshift.
And that's when I got realcurious about like, why are you
so jealous?
And it, yeah, it went back tothat inner child and I did all
this.
My biggest breakthrough was Ihad this meditation, this deep
(43:53):
meditation, at a retreat that,uh, I facilitated and someone my
co-host, she ran thismeditation.
I still got massive pages ofshit that I wrote, and that was
for the first time ever that Ididn't wake up for about the
next six to eight months withthat, that feeling in the
(44:14):
morning, the vomiting, the, andit was through that inner child.
I didn't realize it was goingto be an inner child meditation,
but I swear to God, I met.
I got to go back and read thisthis has been sitting around for
a few days, open it and I thinkit's time.
But I, the meditation wasintense, it was.
I was floating down a river onmy back as child Jacqueline, and
(44:38):
to my right I saw my ancestors,native Americans, and they were
just like seeing me off and Iwas floating on this raft, on my
back and naked.
It was so innocent and just sobeautiful.
And I saw, I saw her and shewas just like you can go, it's
fine, we're safe now, and it wasalmost.
And then she took me up to thiscloud and she told me like that
(44:59):
she was all, she was happy togo there, she felt free finally,
and life just got so muchbetter after that.
But to go back to what you'resaying, I don't want to make
this about me.
I want it to go back to theaudience because I'm doing the
work and you're right on pointthat this is the path I took and
(45:20):
it was so cool how it unfoldedI couldn't have forced it by any
means.
But for the person listening itgoes back to what you said.
Like, do they even know that'sa?
Are they even problem awarethat that's going on?
Might not be so that that plugin point is definitely the
(45:40):
curiosity and curiosity I've got.
I'm like too curious.
Yeah, once I had, once I had therealization I was like, okay,
why, why are we doing this?
Why are we self-projecting onthis innocent child who is
literally depending on you tomake him a good human?
(46:01):
Like it was a, it was a wake upcall for sure.
But you see it, you know, yousee it and I see it in my
husband.
He doesn't even realize thathe's passive, aggressive as fuck
with my daughter.
There is this whole stepchildsyndrome thing that happens.
And so why why do we do that?
Unless we're, unless there'ssomething we haven't resolved
(46:22):
within ourselves, unless there'ssome sense of jealousy like
what is that?
Can we speak on that?
Yeah, I mean awareness.
Speaker 1 (46:30):
Yeah, it could be a combination of that too, right?
Speaker 2 (46:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (46:35):
When I, when I think about this idea of shadow work
and I'm I'm using it as likeit's it's a modern terminology,
but it's not a modern thing,right, like you know, like we've
got yeah I mean, I can go onand on about that it's it's
ancient, um, but it'sunderstanding, like, yeah,
(46:57):
sometimes I'm going to belooking in the mirror towards my
triggers or the things that areactivating to me like meaning,
um, maybe I see myself in thissituation and that's causing
some of this.
You know, judgmental feelingsor or or blame, or shame, or you
know this like criticism orwhatever it may be a rejection.
(47:19):
So a lot of the times it islike, okay, let's look in
ourselves, like what is what islike?
My favorite question to ask,like this realm of curiosity is
what's familiar about thissituation?
You know, like, is it?
You know what's familiar aboutthis that's activating me?
Where do I feel it in my body?
I think it's really interesting, like when we feel things in
(47:42):
our throat.
You know, it's like I wasn'table to say something, or I want
to say something and I can't,or fear of like being judged.
Or I was crying out and Iwanted to say something and I
can't, or fear of, like, beingjudged, or I was crying out and
I wanted to say something and itwasn't heard, or I'm not seen.
That's the heart space.
It's like all that love butit's all pain, you know, and so
(48:05):
I it's like, what is familiarabout this?
And I always have clients ask,like, in any situation that's
coming up, like so this happenedat work or this happened
so-and-so said this well, it'sfamiliar about that, you know,
and we process it and we go downthis curious rabbit hole of
compassionate, you know,curiosity and just asking, like,
(48:27):
what are those unexpressedwounds, unexpressed parts of
ourselves that couldn't quitefeel, like it could be out in
the open, or it's exiled away inthis castle, so far away, and
then something triggered it andprotectors within our body is
like, oh no, you're gettingclose, let's not, let's cover it
(48:48):
up and blame this person, orlike, like we're going to, you
know, show up in this likejudgment.
It's about them, it's not aboutus, you know, but really
sometimes it's kind of like theother way around too, and that's
okay, like, and that's okay andlike, like I said, I relate to
your story so much I really do,so I'm not saying anything that
(49:10):
I I mean again, I don't know,it's obviously not the same.
We're two different people.
But when it comes to like thiscaretaker role, I think people
don't even talk about that toomuch, Cause then you're, then
you're thinking about okay, howdoes my caretaker role growing
up with being a child of six,like the oldest, and then now
having this blended family andthen seeing these littles and
(49:34):
then this interaction from thislike father wound, like
interaction from dad to thelittle.
So going back to thoseunexpressed parts of us with
compassion.
So for me I do so much for myinner children and I say
children because there was thisrebellious teen, there's
(49:56):
five-year-old, there'sthree-year-old, I don't even
have a lot of memory aboutfive-year-old, but I know lots
of things happened because it'slike I feel it in my body and so
I do things for her my preteen,the one going into middle
school.
So I think of like this shadowwork as being playful and
(50:19):
nurturing and compassionate andI also try to be as objective as
much as possible, because Ialso relate to like the jealousy
I relate like the first thingthat comes to mind when I think
of my jealous part is seeinggrowing up, seeing other
children have these like reallyloving homes, especially when
(50:42):
the dads are there and they'represent and they like teach them
new soccer skills or volleyball, or like you know they're like
they can like hug them, what youknow, and you know it's just
like it's going to be triggering, it's going to be activating.
But what helps me is that I I,because of the, like you said,
(51:03):
that awareness and thatcuriosity, it's so important.
I'm aware that it's notnecessarily just me that's
feeling, that I'm curious to thelevel of there are those inner
children that are locked away inthat castle because of these
protectors kind of deflecting onI don't know what it is.
I just don't like hanging outwith that girl, you know,
(51:26):
because you know she has it alltogether.
She thinks she's all, shethinks she's great, she thinks
she's, you know, she's got itall together.
Whatever.
She thinks she's hot shit.
But you know, I know that's myinner child, like I want that, I
wanted that, you know.
Or you know seeing, you know, inmy present day, you know seeing
(51:47):
things that I know, that I wantand that I, that I don't have
yet or that I, you know,whatever it may be like
understanding, like, okay,compassionate curiosity about it
.
Oh, what is it?
What is it about that?
I'm literally talking to her.
You know I'm talking to her.
I'm talking to the protectorparts, telling tell me, like,
(52:08):
don't be suppressed anymore,don't be.
You know, I'm taking care ofyou now, right, like I'm
parenting you now.
I want to hear about yourdreams, your hopes, what made
you sad, what is reminding youof this pain.
I'm here to hold you and I'malso there to kind of instill
boundaries for her too.
Like you know, you aren't goingto be hanging out with this
(52:31):
person anymore because theyharmed you, like they, they
talked about you or they likesaid this really awful comment,
or they don't care about yourfeelings in this, in this way,
or whatever it was.
Or even a vibe check, like,okay, we don't have to suffer
through that, because maybe whenwe were kids we had to go
through things and we didn'tquite have agency of who we're
(52:52):
going to be around, who wastaking care of us, the friends
we didn't really know likewhat's healthy, uplifting
relationships?
We weren't taught it.
I speak for myself.
I wasn't taught it right.
I was not taught that.
So I'm doing a lot of thisrepatterning, reparenting,
repatterning now through acurious compassionate lens.
So to kind of go back to whatyou're saying, absolutely Like.
(53:16):
Yes, resentment can build upand jealousy and feeling
inadequate or not, like maybehelpless or whatever it may be
abandoned, you know, and justbeing curious about that and
supporting the parts of you helpseparate from what's happening
in the current world versuswhat's happened to my you know,
(53:38):
or our inner children andworking with them before we
address what's happening in ourcurrent life so that they don't
blend, blend and you know,through the lens of like
projection or like you know asbest as possible, but it's going
to happen.
We're human and we have complexhistories and lives right.
Speaker 2 (54:01):
So, yeah, oh, that was all so good.
You said that you talked toyour children and again, no
coincidences here, it's so funnythat that you say that after I
just began doing that for myself.
So those little god winks, yes,yes, they really are.
(54:29):
I was on the toilet the othermorning because for me it's GI.
It's GI, yes, right, yeah, yeah, gi and heart related for me.
So you were talking about theheart.
That, yeah, it makes sense.
I've never felt safe like itall makes sense, and the
abandonment, the rejection, allthe things, uh.
And then you were talking abouthow I mean, let's just be frank
(54:52):
, it's it pisses you off to seelike other kids have what you
don't have.
So, like you talking about, oh,they get to hug their dad, like
what the fuck yeah the way yousaid it, like I just I see
little ruth and yeah, like, andwe carry those things into
adulthood and and man, it's justpowerful.
(55:12):
But what I take away from allof it is the compassion, the
compassionate curiosity.
I really want to relay to myaudience that that does it
changes everything.
Looking at everything from alens of curiosity, because we're
so quick to judge ourselves,man, and it's just like why?
Why am I feeling that way?
(55:33):
And I love how you said what'sfamiliar.
I've never stopped to thinkabout that, like, what about
this is familiar?
And I noticed you don't saytrigger a lot, you say activate.
Yeah, I like that.
Speaker 1 (55:46):
I don't know where that came from, I don't, I'm not
really sure, but I do likeactivate or a little bit better
yeah, why am I on alert?
Speaker 2 (55:54):
yeah uh, man, I don't even just this has been awesome
, awesome, awesome, awesome, um,but what's coming through to me
is like, with all of this, it'suh, yeah, it's a spiritual, but
spirituality is so unique tothe person.
(56:16):
It just feels like, with all ofthis, if listeners only take
something away from me and Iwant to hear what they should
take away from you next whatwould be to get curious, get
curious about your identity.
You know, that was what reallyonset my whole personal
development journey, and I gotsuper curious about my brain.
(56:41):
That was it.
I was like my brain is holdingme back, like what the fuck is
going on.
And so the I finally figuredout like I'm just going to get
real curious about this.
I started doing research,reading books, finally figured
out like I'm just gonna get realcurious about this and start
doing research, reading books,discovered neuroscience,
neuroplasticity, re rewiring ofthe brain, um that's
post-traumatic growth.
By the way, that neuroplasticity, yeah, it's part of it uh, and
(57:03):
I just got super curious why thefuck am I like this?
And and it goes back to thatinner child thing I asked her.
I was like who do you want tobe Nobody?
Speaker 1 (57:14):
ever stopped to ask you that?
Speaker 2 (57:16):
Like, who would you be?
I'd put myself in thissituation where I was like, I
put myself in this deepmeditation.
I was like, let's just pretendyou were born in the wild.
No electronics, maybe we wereraised by wolves, I don't know.
But who would you be?
And it was so different thanwho I was being and that was
(57:42):
radical acceptance.
But also then I had to takeradical ownership, radical
responsibility and then figureout how to unbecome all of that.
And that's the journey.
But man, inner child, I hopesomebody listens to this and is
like I hope this is theirplug-in point, because that's
(58:07):
all you need.
Would you agree with that?
Once you're aware, it reallyfeels like the plugin point.
And then the rest is like justhow curious you get and how
consistent with that curiosityyou are, because it just that's
why I think that's why they callit.
You fall into the rabbit holeLike you can't get enough of it
Once you start seeing resultsand you see a change in yourself
(58:30):
.
And for me, what was the mostbeautiful thing was when people
started saying what are youdoing differently?
Like what's going on?
You're different?
And I was like, oh my God, isit working?
Speaker 1 (58:44):
Yeah, yeah, oh, and sometimes we can't see it.
But other people can't see thetransformation, all that hard
work that we're putting in.
Speaker 2 (58:56):
It's beautiful, beautiful, yeah For everyone.
I want to hear I caught.
Like you know, let's part withwhat is on your heart.
And one final message foreverybody, cause, again, you
know, this's all over the place,as you see, that's good, I love
it.
We bounce around, but that'swhat it means to talk shit, like
(59:18):
we're just talking about kindsof shit, whatever happens.
But like, what are your finalwords of wisdom, what's on your
heart?
And then, if you'll close itout with I didn't even introduce
you and your last name, I justsaid Ruth, I just assumed
everybody knew who you were.
And then, um, but if you'll,just, you know, tell them where
to find you, uh, how to workwith you, if you're accepting
(59:40):
clients or any events, anything,just all the Ruth things.
And then, um, your last wisdom,or your last nugget of wisdom
for everybody listening.
Speaker 1 (59:51):
It's so interesting.
You say wisdom, because that'skind of part of what I wanted to
bring up, because you said, youknow, like plugging in into
that, and what comes up for meis that we do have, every single
one of us, we have thatinternal, innate, ancestral,
spiritual, higher self wisdom.
(01:00:13):
You know, I'm using partslanguage as well because I use
it heavily in work with clientsand in my own journey too.
But we're born with it, we haveaccess to it.
Sometimes we feel like we havemore access, sometimes we don't
feel like we have any access toit, but it's there.
It's just kind of sometimesgets clouded by a lot of the
(01:00:34):
protector mechanisms that wehave the caretaker, the
perfectionist, the task maker,the inner critic or whatnot.
But compassionate curiosityhelps uncover and uncloud that
higher self, that deep innerwisdom that we all have and that
(01:00:56):
takes time and patience,confronting all the layers with
nonjudgmental curiosity.
Right, like I cannot say thatenough.
I think you're right, like thatis a catalyst to your journeys,
right To our journeys, but thatwe all have that power to do
that.
Healing, again, post-traumaticgrowth we have that innate
(01:01:18):
ability to do it.
We're all wired to do that.
We are complex human creaturesbut we and with that being said,
there's so much about what wecould do that I don't feel like
people you know hear enoughabout Um, and healing is one
part of it but like just theamount of of strength that we
(01:01:40):
have and resilience that we can.
You know, developing new skills, um, and a lot of it.
It's like healing our lineage.
The more we're doing now, we'rehealing our past lineage, the
mother wounds, the father wounds, ancestral wounds, and our
future as well.
And so, you know, I think thatthat's like.
(01:02:03):
The big takeaway for me is thatwe're all wired to have that
internal wisdom.
We're all wired to have that,that strength that can promote
healing and anyone has access toit.
You know, it just takespatience and um all that um
passionate curiosity.
Yeah, so I'll, I'll leave it atthat, um, but I I love what
(01:02:26):
you're saying too about themeditations um therapy, reading
books.
Yes, it is a lot, but sometimesit's the small little sprinkles
of slowing down, resting,giving ourself opportunity,
being community safety forourself, providing safety,
(01:02:48):
whether it's boundaries or it'ssafety in know um, safety in the
body, through breath work orthrough, you know, other
meditations, talking to ourparts, talking to our inner
children.
Um yeah, so I think that I'llleave it at that.
You know um for some seconds,yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:03:08):
I love that, uh, because I tell everybody like it
compounds, just do, just getcurious about something one
thing each day and can we justsay, like no shame.
I know we say judgment likethere's no shame, there's no
shame.
We judge ourselves entirely toomuch for things that we really
(01:03:28):
we just shouldn't.
So with that, that was abeautiful place to close.
How can they find you?
Speaker 1 (01:03:35):
Yeah, so uh, full name, ruth Tessima.
Um, you can find me onInstagram.
My handle is uh talk with Ruth.
Uh website is rising selfwellness and that's where you
can find um my info around umpsychotherapy services, um
holistic wellness workshops,sound bath, breath work.
(01:03:57):
Um, obviously, I'm in Oregon,so I see Oregon clients.
I'm licensed in Oregon.
However, um some of theworkshops I'm I'm really hoping,
within the next year, to startexpanding to uh virtual um
wellness workshops and so, likeI said earlier, like I have
(01:04:17):
workshops around parts work,somatic parts work, um inner
child healing, um boundaries, umvagus nerve reset, uh, and then
breath work and sound bathsobviously as well.
So, hopefully, you know, I cankind of bring in community
outside of Oregon, but that's inthe works.
(01:04:38):
But, yeah, rising Self Wellnesstalk with Ruth on Instagram.
Speaker 2 (01:04:49):
I swiped.
Oh, you swiped.
Okay, that's fine, I swiped itand I couldn't.
I didn't find you, oh no I'vedone that before.
Speaker 1 (01:04:57):
Oh, yeah, I was.
Speaker 2 (01:04:58):
I muted myself because I live by an airport and
I was like I don't want tointerrupt her.
And anyway, phil, it's all good.
Well, everybody go find missruth, and I can't wait for more
of the virtual stuff.
Uh, I just you should do aretreat at some point too.
Just gonna throw that out there, totally, totally.
Oh, this was awesome.
(01:05:19):
I'm so glad we finally got todo it.
Uh, I forgot to tell you I loveall the plants and books in the
background.
Oh, thank you such a vibe, sucha vibe, um, and I guess we'll
just stay connected throughinstagram and and thank you,
thank you.
I can't thank you enough foryour time, for your energy, for
your wisdom and just being theincredible human that you are.
(01:05:40):
Okay, that's really sweet.
Speaker 1 (01:05:43):
Thank you.
I appreciate you too.
This was lovely.
You got me fired up 8 am.
Speaker 2 (01:05:48):
I love, love it Good, good, good.
All right, go out there andtake on the day, and I will talk
with you soon.
Speaker 1 (01:05:55):
Talk soon, absolutely .
A lot of the times it is like, okay, let's look in
ourselves, like what is what islike?
My favorite question to ask,like this realm of curiosity is
what's familiar about thissituation?
You know, like is it?
You know what's familiar aboutthis?
That's activating me.
Where do I feel it in my body?
I think it's really interesting,like when we feel things in our
(00:21):
throat, you know, it's like Iwasn't able to say something, or
I want to say something and Ican't, or I fear like being
judged, or I was crying out andI wanted to say something and it
wasn't heard, or I'm not seen.
That's the heart space.
It's like all that love butit's all pain, you know, and so
(00:44):
I it's like, what is familiarabout this?
And I always have clients ask,like in any situation that's
coming up, like so this happenedat work or this happened when
so-and-so said this.
Well, it's familiar about that,you know, and we process it and
we go down this curious rabbithole of compassionate you know,
compassionate curiosity and justasking like what are those
(01:07):
unexpressed wounds, unexpressedparts of ourselves that couldn't
quite feel like it could be outin the open, or it's exiled
away in this castle so far away?
And then something triggered itand protectors within our body
is like, oh no, you're gettingclose, let's not, let's cover it
up and blame this person, orlike we're going to, you know,
(01:31):
show up in this like judgment.
It's about them, it's not aboutus, you know, but really
sometimes it's kind of like theother way around too, and that's
okay, ladies and gentlemen.
(02:11):
Ladies and gentlemen, you're insuch a sunny day where you are
and oh, your little dog.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, this is my.
This is where I like spend allmy time.
I have some patio furniture andI live in Mississippi, so it
like, even on a, even on a coldday, if I just bring like a
heated blanket out, I'm good togo perfect, that is perfect.
Speaker 1 (02:33):
What's your dog's name?
Speaker 2 (02:34):
her name is Shiloh, come here.
Shiloh, oh my goodness so cute,she's my, my little emotional
support animal, for sure yeah, Ilove that.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
She just popped up right when we started, right.
Speaker 2 (02:51):
Let me get my clothes .
Yeah, she likes the attention,for sure.
Well, how are you?
I'm doing well.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
I'm doing well I'm, I'm excited for this.
I also appreciate, like, yeah,the scheduling thing.
I'm just like, oh my goodness,I think, because, uh, we wanted
to do this like in November.
Um, yeah, it was.
It was a tough month.
There was a lot happening inNovember, I'm sure everyone
knows.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
I so feel that yeah felt awkwardly good.
Oh, you know what it is.
You know what it is.
That's lotion.
She's.
Oh yeah, I'm like, why are webeing so, oh so affectionate?
Yeah, you smell like food.
Oh yeah, so well, maybe.
(03:43):
Maybe that's a good startingpoint for us, because I was
reading the notes and you're anLPC you help people with
wellness.
Speaker 1 (03:50):
I'm specialize in working with folks who have
trauma history developmentaltrauma, some emotional injuries,
(04:11):
depression, anxiety is kind oflike something that comes with
it.
So that comes up a lot tooRelationship, communication,
boundaries, all that good stuffthat comes with having some
trauma and how the body storesall of that.
So a lot of the work that I dois online, sometimes in person,
(04:34):
and yeah, so I also haveworkshops.
I host workshops around innerchild work parts work, workshops
around inner child work partswork, somatic healing, anxiety
(04:54):
and also breath work and soundbath facilitator as well.
So, yeah, it's a couple ofthings there, but like the
modality is really just aholistic approach to mental
health and wellness.
You know decolonizing as muchas I can and you know tending to
the body, especially when itcomes to complex trauma
survivors, because I think a lotof it is like head heavy and so
(05:18):
bottom up approaches and it'skind of getting, you know,
pretty popular now, but it'sjust such a different way of
working with people and workingwith the body first.
Speaker 2 (05:31):
So you mentioned the complex, the complexity.
So CPTSD I didn't know whatthat was until I started on my
own mental health journey, andyou know.
So I don't know how much youknow about me, um, but my story
is childhood neglect uh, leftalone a lot, had to essentially
(05:53):
raise my siblings.
So domestic violence uh, lotsof drug abuse around me, uh,
physical, well, that is domesticviolence, but physical abuse,
uh, just not a fosteringenvironment for, you know, a
young, fragile mind, and so, uh,to this day, like this morning,
even now, I have my good days.
(06:13):
I'm still trying to figure outwhat is prompting those good
days.
But whenever I was trying tofigure out, so let's say like,
and I remember in 2019, um, in2019, I remember waking up one
(06:34):
morning and just feel I thoughtI was going to die because my I
didn't know at the time myanxiety was so bad that it makes
sure it was making my heartfeel as if I was like it was
going to like too fast, almost,and and then I was physically
vomiting, my body was showing me, like you know, and so, anyway,
this has been going on forseveral years of my life and I
(06:56):
still deal with this.
So I started trying to figureit out and I noticed that the
times I get the most anxious, orit's like right before bed I
don't want to go to bed, it'salmost like I'm missing out on
something, or I'm afraid tosleep because I don't enjoy
sleep.
My dreams are very vivid.
I revisit a lot of likechildhood memories and things
that I guess, probably some ofthose core memories, some of
(07:21):
that core trauma probably and Irevisit that, I still revisit
houses and I have super luciddreams and.
But the worst is waking up andthe way I describe it to people
and the way I've described it tomy husband and we're figuring
it out throughout the years, isthat it makes sense.
It makes sense, jacqueline One.
You're a kid that's supposed tobe getting sleep and going to
(07:41):
school and you're like raisingbabies and staying up all night
wondering where your parents areand then and then, when you
wake up, either you're gettingyelled at or there's a screaming
child that you're worried aboutprotecting, or like there are
people in your house thatshouldn't be there rummaging
through things, and it's like nofucking wonder.
So to this 35 years old Ruth, Istill wake.
(08:02):
I woke up this morning and I'mjust and I my husband knows I
just go into fetal position andI hum and it's just yeah.
So, with that being said,that's how I found out about
complex Um, and so we're sayingthat November was a really hard
month.
Uh, if you want to share that,go for it, or there was a lot
going on.
But what I find is that forsome of us who have CPTSD, who
(08:28):
have had really rough likeupbringings, it's really hard
that time of the year, likeholidays.
Speaker 1 (08:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:35):
It wasn't until my 30s that I really.
It wasn't until I had a childof my own.
I think that I started enjoyingthe holiday Because, ultimately
, at least what I've found withmy clients is that those who
have the CPTSD um holidays arekind of a trigger because they
weren't, they didn't feel loved,they felt alone.
Yeah, anyway, I'd love to hearyour thoughts on everything that
(08:58):
I just dumped on you.
Speaker 1 (08:59):
Yeah, no, no, not at all.
Not a dumping like this is.
Um, oh no, not at all.
Not a dumping Like this is.
Yeah, this I actually relate alot to you and your story and
we're the same age too and, youknow, just like around 2019,
which I was already working atthat time too but I noticed like
(09:19):
a complete burnout and Inoticed a lot of the symptoms
that I thought were, you know,dealt with.
I think I did my work, I'm readyto go out in the world and
stuff, and that is when itshowed up for me the most, right
before the pandemic.
And then the pandemic in itsown was just a nightmare I did.
(09:42):
I forgot to mention I startedout as a school counselor and so
, interestingly enough, schoolwas a triggering environment and
as an elementary schoolcounselor I am, you know,
talking with these preciouschildren and working with
teachers and the parents andgoing in classrooms, and I
(10:08):
didn't know it, my consciousawareness didn't know what was
happening, but my body was likein alarm state almost all the
time and it did get worse andworse.
And when the pandemic hit and Iwas starting to work virtually
and deliver these social,emotional lessons, that is when
I felt better because I'mvirtual and I'm not in the
(10:31):
school, but I'm still workingwith the same kids and it was
pretty jarring to know how muchthe body stores, how much is
really hidden in thesubconscious and how much how
disconnected our body can bewith you know, our thinking
(10:52):
brain.
You know, and like you weretalking about going to bed, and
that's a very common thing, likein my experience as well, and
like clients that I see going tobed, our most vulnerable state,
right, like we are supposed tobe out for several hours.
But if our bodies are still inthis fight flight and because of
(11:13):
the stored, whatever it may be,the pain, the trauma, the
memories it's not going to wantto rest and there's a lot of
repatterning that needs tohappen in a loving,
compassionate way.
And man, is it hard, and I knowyou know that too.
It is hard work.
It's always ongoing too.
It doesn't really stop.
(11:33):
The amazing piece of CPTSD Ithink there are many, to be
honest.
But one thing that I really holddear to my heart is that a lot
of this is rewirable, if thatmakes sense.
It doesn't quite feel likewe're ever going to get close to
(11:54):
that point, but these smallchanges of building safety, like
you're talking about, like yourhusband, just like holding you
when you're having the highsymptoms, right, like waking up
whenever it is, like thoseelements of safety sprinkled
throughout our day can really doso much to the nervous system
(12:14):
as it repatterns and it createssafety in the body and hopefully
connects the parts that are inthis busy thinking, managing,
protecting role, um, and thenthe body wanting to just shut
things down or freeze up or yellor scream, um, kind of working
together and so, um, yeah, it's,it's, it's something that can
(12:37):
you know.
Post-traumatic growth if you'veever heard that is such an
amazing thing.
Um's studies out there thatshow that.
I can't remember where the studyis from, but several studies
that show that people who havesuffered from PTSD, complex PTSD
, and then have treatment plans,depending on I don't know like
(13:01):
what they are, but mostlybody-centered treatment plans
can live happy, successful livesand actually even more
successful than those who didn'teven experience the traumas you
know, compared to our peers whodidn't have, you know, these
type of developmental traumasgrowing up.
So it's pretty fascinating.
(13:23):
It's different from any othermental health disorder but, or
like personality disorders,things like that.
But yeah, that that's somethingthat I, you know, really hold
dear to my heart in my ownjourney.
But yeah, I can go on aboutlike some specific stories too,
if you want, but I just want, Iwant to pause here for a sec.
(13:45):
But man, like I do, I just want, but I just want, I want to
pause here for a sec, but man,like I do.
Speaker 2 (13:54):
I just want to say, jacqueline, I relate a lot to
your story, like a lot.
Yeah, it's really weird how soit's.
You know how hard it is toshare your story in the
beginning, right?
Yeah, definitely it's so scary.
And then I think just hearingyou say something like I relate
to that is so, in a sense,gratifying, because I have you
(14:18):
know as a person, you feel alonefor a long time, like so anyway
, thank you, thank you for beinghere.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
Thank you for making this happen.
Like I think I saw you onInstagram around the time that I
was doing like a rage event, asacred rage event.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yeah, and Isaw some of your posts and I
was like this is like I don'tknow.
The algorithm is algorithming.
I love it.
Speaker 2 (14:44):
Can I tell you what it was?
Yeah, actually, so earlier thisyear.
So I have she's become like oneof my best friends and I
finally get to meet her inJanuary in Chicago.
But my best friend, who is alsomy business coach, she really
got me on track this year andshe was like Jacqueline, what's
(15:05):
your next goal with the podcast?
And me, I'm a fly by the seat ofmy pants kind of gal.
You know all that trauma, likealways gotta go, you can't hold
me down and so.
But she got me in shape and shewas like we just can, let's get
an outline together and let'sstart like making sense of these
episodes and getting someprofessionals on and it.
(15:29):
I think it was just a God thing, ruth, because I didn't know
who you were.
What I did was is I wentthrough and I made an outline in
my spreadsheets and I'll behonest, I use a little Chad GPT
and I was like help me form theperfect podcast schedule to 100
episodes and I want it toinvolve trauma.
I gave it all these things Iwanted it to be and I wanted to
(15:49):
map out, um, my episodes to the100th episode.
So you're part of that, by theway.
Speaker 1 (15:55):
It's like yes so huge , so special, that's so special
right and so she was getting mefamiliar with.
Speaker 2 (16:03):
She was like get in there, get an instagram and find
some people and just see whoyou're drawn to, and so chat
with gpt was like let's get youa therapist or a licensed
professional or something likethat.
And I was like that sounds sogood because I talk about this
stuff all the time, but I'mtrying to like go, mel robbins
big and get some really amazing,inspiring wizards on here like
(16:29):
yourself that are just sointelligent and in your zone of
genius.
And so, anyway, I just trustedand I said, okay, let's go and
let's look.
And I was looking up therapyand holistic wellness and I
found you and I literally wentin my little spreadsheet and I
went this is my first choice.
I don't even think I had asecond choice.
(16:51):
I was just gravitated towardsyou and I wrote you and you.
So it was basically like I'mgoing to be my audience knows I
felt like a little, uh, I willsay a wussy with a P, we'll say
that.
I will say a wussy with a P,we'll say that A wussy with a P,
a wussy with a P, just in casethere are kids nearby listening.
(17:12):
Like you said, it's a beautifulday they could be like right
around the corner.
Yep, got to be careful, don'twant to cause them any trauma.
But no, you were just, you wereon my list and I reached out
and I think you were like, Ithink you pretty much were like
(17:33):
thank you for your interest, Ineed to go listen to this to see
if it's aligned.
And then you did, and you cameback and you're like okay, I
kind of love you, yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:41):
I'm here for it.
Speaker 2 (17:42):
I'm totally for it, yeah, yeah and that's how we so
it's just kismet.
It's, yeah, the little uhbreadcrumbs that we were
supposed to find.
I think, yeah, yeah it's, it'sreally cool.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
I think you know so I'm assuming you're you know
that yeah, that is like such ahuge part in this work, in this
healing, in our own personaljourneys, um, connection to
(18:16):
earth, you know, mother nature,timing, uh, if we're, if we're
connected to numbers,synchronicities, things like
that.
Like that usually is a hugeindicator to help me know that
I'm on the right path.
You know, and I have so manydifferent practices.
Sometimes it's faith-based,most times it's not at all, and
(18:39):
I think people sometimes getconfused.
You know spirituality and youknow faith and things like that
too.
But I think for people on theirhealing journeys, like it is so
important to have rituals andtechniques that help you align
with, like you know, things thatmaybe like energy that you
can't quite see but you know andyou can feel.
And that's going to involveother people in your path as
(19:02):
teachers, as helpers, asinfluencers, as people that
actually kind of you know, evendo the harm too to, like you
know, help you.
Not that you have to learn fromthe harm, like in that way, but
kind of help you evolve andgrow so you can work towards
that post-traumatic growth.
(19:23):
It's I can, I can.
That's like another, maybeanother episode, cause I I see
my brain kind of going into this, like that dimension there, and
I want to be careful.
Speaker 2 (19:35):
I love that so much though, because, no, I'm we call
it squirrel brain or shinyobject.
I go off on tangents, and it'sso funny, I love it.
I love it, though, well.
So you said something and Iwant to bring it back because
I'm curious about it.
It's so interesting.
You said something about youwere talking about, like the
(19:57):
PTSD and CPTSD recovery processand how, once, with the right we
say treatment um or yeah, we'lljust say treatment that you can
go on to be way more successfulthan the average person who has
had what I would say is like aa normal life.
(20:18):
Yeah, you know, a kind of asheltered life is what my brain
sees it as, because I was outthere like struggling.
So, in my mind, like with myown kids too.
So, quick backtrack, I have adaughter she's going on 12.
And then I have a son with myhusband now, and he has three
(20:44):
boys from his previous marriage.
So we've got a big family, bigblended family, and it's been
really yeah, it's been reallyinteresting to navigate too,
though, like it's a lot offeelings that come out and I've
learned a lot about myself.
Like that I do.
And you, you mentionedsomething about being in the
school being triggered.
I didn't realize how triggeredI would be by my husband's kids.
Speaker 1 (21:08):
Yeah, oh yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:10):
That's really rough.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
Did you have siblings ?
Yeah, yeah, you were evil.
Yeah, you said you were thecaretaker.
Yeah, I was the oldest of six.
Speaker 2 (21:19):
Yeah, so I think, you know, I'd get mad at my
siblings a lot too, and it wasmore of the because I was pushed
into the mother role and I'mjust, I think what it is is.
I feel like as a child I knewmy place, like I knew my place
right.
I knew what I was supposed todo, what I wasn't supposed to do
.
I was on guard.
I had to, like I call it,transform for whoever came into
(21:43):
the room.
How do I transform?
Speaker 1 (21:44):
for them.
Speaker 2 (21:52):
So I think that a lot of the trauma start coming out
as a stepmom because there's somany boundaries there.
But what I'm seeing and what'sinteresting is you said you were
triggered by it being in theschool You're doing a lot better
by doing the virtual thing.
I'm very much the same.
The thought of going back tolike having to work in person
really freaks me out.
I host a retreat once a year.
I do VIP days.
I am really, I guess, budgetingmy energy and whatnot.
(22:16):
What I find so interesting is apoint that you made that, with
the right love and nurtureprocess, after having PTSD or
CPTSD, that you go on to livesuch a productive life, which is
, I say, every single day.
It fucking sucks what I had togo through.
(22:36):
Would I trade it now?
Because I yeah, like really,because I find myself and it's
not that I'm insensitive, but Ithink it makes me such a great
leader that, having had to gothrough all that I've been
homeless, I've been a sex worker, I've I've done anything and
everything to try to fill thatvoid.
Yeah, you can't come to me andmake excuses anymore, like I
(23:00):
know what people are capable of.
And so we're getting to thepoint.
I promise we're getting there.
What are you?
I mean, what is yourperspective on all of that?
You know it, it's so funny,Like it's I call it like the
preacher's daughter effect.
The kids who have it reallygood and have a sheltered life
(23:21):
and have parents that like theyhave their life kind of planned
out for them and like theyreally they don't they're first
world problems.
You know, like is what I cansay not to say that their
feelings are inadequate or thatthey don't feel alone or
something like that.
But and then I see people whohave grown up around addiction
or have fallen into addictionpretty much followed the
(23:42):
footsteps, trying to break thegenerational curses, which I did
.
That too, I became an addict.
I became you know, I justmentioned the webcam, the sex
work and all that I became analcoholic.
Swore I wouldn't do that.
You know I have been withnumerous narcissist men swore I
wouldn't do that.
Yeah, what do you?
What do you?
What are your thoughts there?
(24:03):
Like, why is that?
Do you get what I'm trying tosay?
Yeah, yeah, I yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:10):
So what is that about , like, like, what is it about
kind of having those samepatterns?
Speaker 2 (24:16):
Well, it's just like how?
So it's probably the mom in meand where our we're not going to
get into politics, I'm not apolitical person, but we're like
where our country is at as awhole.
I just look and I'm like how isit that we have it so good in
today's society and yet peopleare still creating problems?
And but so like the people whoI would expect to be doing well
(24:37):
and not be so entitled are, andthen the people who have, I mean
, fucking had absolutely nothing, are like the ones out there
killing it, yeah, trying to helpthe people who are in their
heads and going, or like stuckon autopilot in a sense.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
Yeah, like the people without the traumas.
There you go, there you go, yes, okay, yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:01):
Yeah, you're piecing it together, sorry.
No, you're good.
No, you're good.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
You know, I I think about that too.
I think about that too.
I think about that with thechildren, um, children that I
worked with in the schools, Ithink, and their parents, and
not to analyze anything likethat, but it's not always what
it seems, for lack of a betterway, I like to think about
(25:30):
reparenting, and I see the tiehere reparenting and I see the
tie here reparenting as like acombination of gentleness and
firmness, and I feel like, youknow, we're gentle, gentle,
we'll have anxious children.
We'll like formula, anxiouschildren, we're firm, firm,
we'll develop anxious children.
(25:50):
If we have, you know, oneparent that's this, and then the
other parent that's this.
It's very confusing.
And then it's like, well, youknow.
So I wonder, like, with thepeople that are growing up, in a
little bit of both, I wonderwhat will happen after they've.
(26:10):
You know, if you think about,like, the hero's journey, are
you familiar with that?
Like we go through these trialsand tribulations and then we go
through this like catalysticsituation, we meet our teachers
and then, like it sheds certainparts of us to come to light, so
that we can find, like, maybetowards self-actualization or
(26:34):
something like that.
I don't know if this isconnecting to what you're saying
about, like, how people are, umare different.
I don't know about, like,what's going on with that.
I mean, maybe if you canclarify a little bit more before
I go into that, Well, so you?
Speaker 2 (26:49):
yeah, I was on track with what you're saying.
You are, I was, I was, I don't.
Okay, you were on point traumaversus no trauma.
Yet the people with trauma aregoing on to, after they get
through all it, like it's makingthem stronger people.
You know what I mean and itseems like the one like.
My goal as a parent is toreduce, like, have as minimal
(27:16):
amount of trauma my children aspossible, right, but I also
don't want to produce soft,entitled assholes, yes, yes, so
it's like I.
That's probably where theresentment comes from.
Whenever I see it's not just mystepchildren, it's my children,
too, that are acting entitled,but it's but like you're,
(27:36):
literally.
You wanted your children tohave the best life, and so it's
like a double edged sword, likeI'm worried we're raising bricks
.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
OK, gotcha.
Speaker 2 (27:47):
But I don't want them to go through a fraction of
what I had to go through to be asolid human being.
Does that make more sense?
Speaker 1 (27:56):
Oh yeah, yeah, that definitely makes sense.
I literally was talking aboutthis with a client.
You know she also has CPDSD andwants to have children and is
just so worried about, you know,the mother wounds, you know the
ancestral traumas, the all thethings in the bloodline that
(28:19):
she's trying to repattern, andthen like very anxious, like if
I have kids, like well, what amI going to do?
And then I have other peoplewho already have children and
are worried, you know, asthey're embarking on, you know
school age, you know what willhappen to them if you know the
parents are still trying to workon developing a sense of safety
(28:42):
in the home and teaching themand preventing.
You know all these other things.
Honestly, I think, going back tosafety and the balance between
being gentle and loving andcompassionate and curious, with
the other area of firmness,which includes boundaries and
(29:05):
discipline, consequences thatare very reasonable and can
instill a lot of responsibilityat developmentally healthy.
You know stages that can do somuch and it sounds like it's a
lot, but it's really as simpleas developing the safety in the
(29:26):
home and within yourrelationship with them and then
within yourself also as a, as a,as a you know I relate to that
caretaker part of you as well,and then, just, you know, being
like a maternal figure in the,in our families as well.
So it's a combination of that.
But I think we can kind ofsometimes feel like we can
(29:50):
control everything and all of it, and you know their, their own
individuals, and we can only doso much and a lot of it isn't
something that you know we can.
Even.
You know control over someinfluence and so, yeah, I hope
that kind of brings like maybe adifferent direction to it or a
different perspective to it inthe light of like safety within
(30:15):
our own sense of self.
And then being curious againwith ourselves.
Our shadow parts get curiousabout that, compassionate about
that, challenging that as well.
So, being gentle and firm withourself firm with ourself, you
(30:39):
know, in our experiences to healemotional pain, and then that
can absolutely transcend intothe circles that you're in in
your home.
You know the people you workwith and can relieve some
pressure and burden.
That as that caretaker.
I think it's kind of interesting.
We're talking about caretakers.
You know feeling that we needto.
You know control or protect.
You know as much as possiblebecause we saw, we saw so much
(31:04):
that we shouldn't have seen orexperienced so much that we
shouldn't have experienced.
So yeah, I mean, children arevery interesting, right, they're
sponges, you know they could beinteresting gems.
You know what I mean by gems,you know and like, but yeah, I
can.
It feels it makes sense torelieve a lot of that pressure
(31:26):
from ourselves, especially ifwe've had experiences that felt
like we kind of were responsiblefor someone's whole journey in
their life.
You know, I know it's precioustimes, but yeah, I don't know.
What do you think about that?
Speaker 2 (31:44):
I find it all very interesting because the word
that keeps coming up for you twois safety.
And yeah, no, that all makessense.
It was.
It was kind of a kick in theface.
I like I had to come out andadmit that Like I was literally
(32:04):
I didn't realize this and thisis going to make me sound bad,
but I really don't give a shitbecause I think that it's
something that a lot of likestep-parents don't speak on.
It's been very interestingbecause it's a different kind of
love.
It's just a different.
It's not that I don't love mylike.
I call them all my kids.
They're all my kids, right?
(32:25):
My husband and I have beentogether I think five years now,
so it's and getting togetherwas like another traumatic event
because right around then I was, I lost, we lost.
When I got pregnant, we lostour first baby.
My daughter's dad had just died.
It was a whole thing.
I was in the middle of acustody battle, all kinds of
(32:45):
things, and so finding figuringout how to become a blended
family overnight was superinteresting because it was just
the two of us, my daughter,myself, and then I get pregnant
and then we get married and wego from just the two of us to
once her brother's born anovernight family of seven, Right
?
So, and I was so over them.
(33:08):
I was like I found, because Ihave, I'm the oldest of six,
right, I always thought I wasgoing to have this huge family
and I was going to redo it anddo it the right way.
That's what I said.
And but then I was faced withthis whole new set of challenges
Like how do I figure out how toshow them all that I love them
and that they I don't see any ofthem differently.
And then what was reallyinteresting for me is when I
(33:31):
found myself and this is thepart that I'm like this is gonna
sound bad, but I was jealous ofmy husband's youngest for
probably the first three or fouryears, Because what I found was
that so, first off and I thinkthat some people can probably
relate with this, especially ifyou live down south but my
(33:53):
husband's nine years older thanme, so we're, it's different
generations, you know, like theway that we communicate, I like
to text, he likes to, he's callme like I'm going to talk to you
about it.
So a lot of things are different.
But, like, personality wise,he's not emotional, he will go
(34:16):
out of his way to show emotion.
And then you get his little boyover here and he's cuddling and
scratching his back and I'mjust, and it finally hit me.
It finally hit me.
I'm so much like his son.
He's like a little grumpy,grumpy old man.
All he wants to do is like withhis blanket, sit there and
watch his programs.
So I finally figured out it wasmy inner child, so wounded, and
(34:37):
then I didn't have a dad growingup.
So here I see my husband whodoes not show me that kind of
affection on her Like unless Iask for it going out of his way.
And how shitty of that is.
I felt so shitty.
I'm like because and but italways took me putting myself in
in his shoes, Like that's hisfucking look, Like what?
(34:58):
And I realized so quickly thatit was because of all of that I
went without as a kid.
And now we are giving ourchildren all that we wanted and
my little girl is like but whatabout me?
Yeah, get all that.
And so what are your uh, maybe,thoughts on?
(35:20):
Because those are, those are,these are real problems, these
are real feelings that peoplehave, that they're keeping to
themselves, that they, yeah.
And what happens is when wedon't talk about it, like we
will wind up resenting thefamily we've built.
It's really insane, yeah, and Ijust we're over that.
I've worked through that andthis little dude is like my best
(35:43):
friend and I love my family somuch, so freaking much, and it
would kill me.
I just had a conversation withthem the other day and this may
hopefully this didn't create anytrauma, Ruth.
I just had a conversation withthem the other day and this may
hopefully this didn't create anytrauma, Ruth, but the fighting
and the disrespect and I justthey made mama cry and I cried
(36:05):
in the car, in the van, and Ididn't yell at them, but I cried
with compassion and I said Ineed you all to please start
getting along.
We've got to start gettingalong.
I'm working so hard and to seeyou guys not happy when you have
everything you need.
I'm not saying that yourfeelings are invalid, but like I
had to be real with my oldestbecause we got two 11s that are
(36:26):
about to be 12.
We got a 15 year old.
The other two are six and three, but I had to tell them.
I'm like I need you guys tounderstand like the impact of
our family unit and that if wecan't make it work, they've been
through a divorce before.
I don't want that to happen,but I'm worried that I don't
(36:51):
want a wedge to come between usand I don't want to lose my
family again.
But the older they get, Inoticed that they kind of pit us
against each other.
You've got, you've got, youknow his ex-wife and they've got
their family, and then you'vegot us over here and it's just,
and then so it's like it's not.
It's not like unrealistic tosay that we could get divorced
(37:16):
one day because it's just notworking out.
The blend is not blending.
So what is your perspective onthat?
Because I know this is this isa real life problem and people
stay in relationships trying tomake it work.
But like, what are your?
What's your perspective there?
Any, any tips, any tricks onhow to for the blended people
out there?
Speaker 1 (37:33):
Oh yeah, well, first of all, thank you for naming
that, because you're right.
Like I don't think a lot ofpeople do talk about.
Yeah, we're not talking aboutthat.
Yeah, the intricate aspects ofblended families and with
littles, and then, on top ofthat, our own complex or
developmental inner child woundsright, those wounds coming up.
(37:55):
And then we've got theselittles that are around the same
age where we had a completelydifferent kind of life and we're
feeling like we're doing somuch for them and it doesn't
feel like it's maybeappreciative or it doesn't feel
like they're even like gettingalong.
It doesn't feel like they'redoing anything to like make some
, like be part of the familythat is like cohesive and calm
(38:19):
and stuff.
I think like the, the retraumatization piece I think is
is a big element that I don'tknow if people are experiencing
to the point where they areaware of it, like you're saying
like I discovered this little,where they are aware of it.
Like you're saying like Idiscovered this little, this
little girl that was beingactivated and showing up more.
(38:40):
When this kind of dynamic ishappening, you know, I honestly
like I think it's just hard.
I think it's hard Like familytherapy is like one thing that
can help Play therapy with thekids.
There's also like theirperspective of it too.
(39:00):
I can imagine around being theage that they are the parental
figures in their life and maybeeither getting influenced by the
other you know, maybe their mom, and like what she's going
through, or maybe just liketrying to figure out, like what,
how they're supposed to bewhile they're the age that they
(39:23):
are.
And but I guess I'm also moreconcerned about your parts,
right, cause your parts arefeeling all of this and to the
point where you're like all ofthis and to the point where
you're like all I want you to dois just get along, you know.
So family therapy is one aspectof it too, but I guess, like
you know, bringing in thisaspect of inner child work and
(39:50):
that shadow work of like beingcompassionate and curious about
her, and bringing in umwitnessing her and hearing her
story.
So I don't know how much of umlike individual therapy and
community therapy and you knowall those things that you're
doing.
I'm sure you're doing a lot ofthat, but you know, bringing
that in a little bit more toincrease some of that curious
(40:13):
compassion for her.
I also wonder about, you know,his involvement to your husband
and seeing, like you know, theemotional piece is something
that you, your parts, arewanting more.
And if it's not quite there.
You know what kind of what kindof strategies or conversations
(40:36):
can we have to increase some ofthat for you?
Yeah, there's, there's a lot ofthings that I'm thinking about,
but I, I, I mean, I'd love tolike hear a little bit about any
of those things that arelanding.
I don't want to assume, butyeah.
Speaker 2 (40:52):
Yeah, so yeah, no, all that.
So you spoke to all that and I,I went, yeah, I experienced all
that.
That's when, so the jealousywas evidence of something that I
desired, right, and yeah, likeI was saying, you keep
mentioning inner child andgetting curious, the word is
(41:13):
curious, and then that's safety,that word.
Speaker 1 (41:18):
Compassion and curiosity.
Speaker 2 (41:20):
I don't know.
I don't know what it was.
One day I know what it was.
And again, I say things thatmake me sound shitty, but
they're real thoughts.
They're real and they're notwilling to admit to.
Speaker 1 (41:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (41:38):
But I was.
I was, oh, I know what it was.
When my husband and I starteddating, the agreement what I?
I broke up with him in thebeginning.
We were together for about Idon't know two or three weeks.
I broke up with him because Ihad a realistic conversation.
You know, I'm almost 30.
I want more kids.
You've got three.
Is that a possibility?
And he said no, and so I waslike okay, bye.
(41:58):
We wound it back together.
He fell in love with me, gave mea baby, obviously, but before
that it was the spiritualwarfare for me, what like?
I felt like I was settling, butI also didn't want him to feel
like he was settling likethere's no, there should never.
Like this should be somethingthat we both want to do.
It shouldn't be an accident,none of that.
And um, and all of a sudden ithit me one day, some resentment
(42:22):
that I'd had built up and I waslike why?
Why do I feel that way, otherthan I feel, like some, that I'm
not getting what I deserve.
Getting what I deserve and thisis the part that sounds shitty.
His, his ex-wife, is what Iwould consider.
(42:42):
She is like a trophy.
Okay, she, she's got it goingon.
She's beautiful, she is justwell known in the community, big
heart.
I have nothing ill to say andso so, but I can't help but
compare yourself to that.
Sure, yeah, but it hit me thathis youngest would only ever see
(43:06):
us together.
And that just hit different forme Because, again, it was this
sense of jealousy.
I'm not going to, he's notgoing to give me a baby, but
they have a baby and I have towatch them raise this baby
together.
And it was really hard.
And then there was thisoverwhelming sense of like
acceptance one day and I said,yeah, but when he sees his dad
(43:29):
with somebody, it's you, soyou'd still get to be his mom,
in a sense, like I'm never goingto claim that title, but I get
to nurture him and, you know,help raise him.
And so that started to reallyshift.
And that's when I got realcurious about like, why are you
so jealous?
And it, yeah, it went back tothat inner child and I did all
this.
My biggest breakthrough was Ihad this meditation, this deep
(43:53):
meditation, at a retreat that,uh, I facilitated and someone my
co-host, she ran thismeditation.
I still got massive pages ofshit that I wrote, and that was
for the first time ever that Ididn't wake up for about the
next six to eight months withthat, that feeling in the
(44:14):
morning, the vomiting, the, andit was through that inner child.
I didn't realize it was goingto be an inner child meditation,
but I swear to God, I met.
I got to go back and read thisthis has been sitting around for
a few days, open it and I thinkit's time.
But I, the meditation wasintense, it was.
I was floating down a river onmy back as child Jacqueline, and
(44:38):
to my right I saw my ancestors,native Americans, and they were
just like seeing me off and Iwas floating on this raft, on my
back and naked.
It was so innocent and just sobeautiful.
And I saw, I saw her and shewas just like you can go, it's
fine, we're safe now, and it wasalmost.
And then she took me up to thiscloud and she told me like that
(44:59):
she was all, she was happy togo there, she felt free finally,
and life just got so muchbetter after that.
But to go back to what you'resaying, I don't want to make
this about me.
I want it to go back to theaudience because I'm doing the
work and you're right on pointthat this is the path I took and
(45:20):
it was so cool how it unfoldedI couldn't have forced it by any
means.
But for the person listening itgoes back to what you said.
Like, do they even know that'sa?
Are they even problem awarethat that's going on?
Might not be so that that plugin point is definitely the
(45:40):
curiosity and curiosity I've got.
I'm like too curious.
Yeah, once I had, once I had therealization I was like, okay,
why, why are we doing this?
Why are we self-projecting onthis innocent child who is
literally depending on you tomake him a good human?
(46:01):
Like it was a, it was a wake upcall for sure.
But you see it, you know, yousee it and I see it in my
husband.
He doesn't even realize thathe's passive, aggressive as fuck
with my daughter.
There is this whole stepchildsyndrome thing that happens.
And so why why do we do that?
Unless we're, unless there'ssomething we haven't resolved
(46:22):
within ourselves, unless there'ssome sense of jealousy like
what is that?
Can we speak on that?
Yeah, I mean awareness.
Speaker 1 (46:30):
Yeah, it could be a combination of that too, right?
Speaker 2 (46:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (46:35):
When I, when I think about this idea of shadow work
and I'm I'm using it as likeit's it's a modern terminology,
but it's not a modern thing,right, like you know, like we've
got yeah I mean, I can go onand on about that it's it's
ancient, um, but it'sunderstanding, like, yeah,
(46:57):
sometimes I'm going to belooking in the mirror towards my
triggers or the things that areactivating to me like meaning,
um, maybe I see myself in thissituation and that's causing
some of this.
You know, judgmental feelingsor or or blame, or shame, or you
know this like criticism orwhatever it may be a rejection.
(47:19):
So a lot of the times it islike, okay, let's look in
ourselves, like what is what islike?
My favorite question to ask,like this realm of curiosity is
what's familiar about thissituation?
You know, like, is it?
You know what's familiar aboutthis that's activating me?
Where do I feel it in my body?
I think it's really interesting, like when we feel things in
(47:42):
our throat.
You know, it's like I wasn'table to say something, or I want
to say something and I can't,or fear of like being judged.
Or I was crying out and Iwanted to say something and I
can't, or fear of, like, beingjudged, or I was crying out and
I wanted to say something and itwasn't heard, or I'm not seen.
That's the heart space.
It's like all that love butit's all pain, you know, and so
(48:05):
I it's like, what is familiarabout this?
And I always have clients ask,like, in any situation that's
coming up, like so this happenedat work or this happened
so-and-so said this well, it'sfamiliar about that, you know,
and we process it and we go downthis curious rabbit hole of
compassionate, you know,curiosity and just asking, like,
(48:27):
what are those unexpressedwounds, unexpressed parts of
ourselves that couldn't quitefeel, like it could be out in
the open, or it's exiled away inthis castle, so far away, and
then something triggered it andprotectors within our body is
like, oh no, you're gettingclose, let's not, let's cover it
(48:48):
up and blame this person, orlike, like we're going to, you
know, show up in this likejudgment.
It's about them, it's not aboutus, you know, but really
sometimes it's kind of like theother way around too, and that's
okay, like, and that's okay andlike, like I said, I relate to
your story so much I really do,so I'm not saying anything that
(49:10):
I I mean again, I don't know,it's obviously not the same.
We're two different people.
But when it comes to like thiscaretaker role, I think people
don't even talk about that toomuch, Cause then you're, then
you're thinking about okay, howdoes my caretaker role growing
up with being a child of six,like the oldest, and then now
having this blended family andthen seeing these littles and
(49:34):
then this interaction from thislike father wound, like
interaction from dad to thelittle.
So going back to thoseunexpressed parts of us with
compassion.
So for me I do so much for myinner children and I say
children because there was thisrebellious teen, there's
(49:56):
five-year-old, there'sthree-year-old, I don't even
have a lot of memory aboutfive-year-old, but I know lots
of things happened because it'slike I feel it in my body and so
I do things for her my preteen,the one going into middle
school.
So I think of like this shadowwork as being playful and
(50:19):
nurturing and compassionate andI also try to be as objective as
much as possible, because Ialso relate to like the jealousy
I relate like the first thingthat comes to mind when I think
of my jealous part is seeinggrowing up, seeing other
children have these like reallyloving homes, especially when
(50:42):
the dads are there and they'represent and they like teach them
new soccer skills or volleyball, or like you know they're like
they can like hug them, what youknow, and you know it's just
like it's going to be triggering, it's going to be activating.
But what helps me is that I I,because of the, like you said,
(51:03):
that awareness and thatcuriosity, it's so important.
I'm aware that it's notnecessarily just me that's
feeling, that I'm curious to thelevel of there are those inner
children that are locked away inthat castle because of these
protectors kind of deflecting onI don't know what it is.
I just don't like hanging outwith that girl, you know,
(51:26):
because you know she has it alltogether.
She thinks she's all, shethinks she's great, she thinks
she's, you know, she's got itall together.
Whatever.
She thinks she's hot shit.
But you know, I know that's myinner child, like I want that, I
wanted that, you know.
Or you know seeing, you know, inmy present day, you know seeing
(51:47):
things that I know, that I wantand that I, that I don't have
yet or that I, you know,whatever it may be like
understanding, like, okay,compassionate curiosity about it
.
Oh, what is it?
What is it about that?
I'm literally talking to her.
You know I'm talking to her.
I'm talking to the protectorparts, telling tell me, like,
(52:08):
don't be suppressed anymore,don't be.
You know, I'm taking care ofyou now, right, like I'm
parenting you now.
I want to hear about yourdreams, your hopes, what made
you sad, what is reminding youof this pain.
I'm here to hold you and I'malso there to kind of instill
boundaries for her too.
Like you know, you aren't goingto be hanging out with this
(52:31):
person anymore because theyharmed you, like they, they
talked about you or they likesaid this really awful comment,
or they don't care about yourfeelings in this, in this way,
or whatever it was.
Or even a vibe check, like,okay, we don't have to suffer
through that, because maybe whenwe were kids we had to go
through things and we didn'tquite have agency of who we're
(52:52):
going to be around, who wastaking care of us, the friends
we didn't really know likewhat's healthy, uplifting
relationships?
We weren't taught it.
I speak for myself.
I wasn't taught it right.
I was not taught that.
So I'm doing a lot of thisrepatterning, reparenting,
repatterning now through acurious compassionate lens.
So to kind of go back to whatyou're saying, absolutely Like.
(53:16):
Yes, resentment can build upand jealousy and feeling
inadequate or not, like maybehelpless or whatever it may be
abandoned, you know, and justbeing curious about that and
supporting the parts of you helpseparate from what's happening
in the current world versuswhat's happened to my you know,
(53:38):
or our inner children andworking with them before we
address what's happening in ourcurrent life so that they don't
blend, blend and you know,through the lens of like
projection or like you know asbest as possible, but it's going
to happen.
We're human and we have complexhistories and lives right.
Speaker 2 (54:01):
So, yeah, oh, that was all so good.
You said that you talked toyour children and again, no
coincidences here, it's so funnythat that you say that after I
just began doing that for myself.
So those little god winks, yes,yes, they really are.
(54:29):
I was on the toilet the othermorning because for me it's GI.
It's GI, yes, right, yeah, yeah, gi and heart related for me.
So you were talking about theheart.
That, yeah, it makes sense.
I've never felt safe like itall makes sense, and the
abandonment, the rejection, allthe things, uh.
And then you were talking abouthow I mean, let's just be frank
(54:52):
, it's it pisses you off to seelike other kids have what you
don't have.
So, like you talking about, oh,they get to hug their dad, like
what the fuck yeah the way yousaid it, like I just I see
little ruth and yeah, like, andwe carry those things into
adulthood and and man, it's justpowerful.
(55:12):
But what I take away from allof it is the compassion, the
compassionate curiosity.
I really want to relay to myaudience that that does it
changes everything.
Looking at everything from alens of curiosity, because we're
so quick to judge ourselves,man, and it's just like why?
Why am I feeling that way?
(55:33):
And I love how you said what'sfamiliar.
I've never stopped to thinkabout that, like, what about
this is familiar?
And I noticed you don't saytrigger a lot, you say activate.
Yeah, I like that.
Speaker 1 (55:46):
I don't know where that came from, I don't, I'm not
really sure, but I do likeactivate or a little bit better
yeah, why am I on alert?
Speaker 2 (55:54):
yeah uh, man, I don't even just this has been awesome
, awesome, awesome, awesome, um,but what's coming through to me
is like, with all of this, it'suh, yeah, it's a spiritual, but
spirituality is so unique tothe person.
(56:16):
It just feels like, with all ofthis, if listeners only take
something away from me and Iwant to hear what they should
take away from you next whatwould be to get curious, get
curious about your identity.
You know, that was what reallyonset my whole personal
development journey, and I gotsuper curious about my brain.
(56:41):
That was it.
I was like my brain is holdingme back, like what the fuck is
going on.
And so the I finally figuredout like I'm just going to get
real curious about this.
I started doing research,reading books, finally figured
out like I'm just gonna get realcurious about this and start
doing research, reading books,discovered neuroscience,
neuroplasticity, re rewiring ofthe brain, um that's
post-traumatic growth.
By the way, that neuroplasticity, yeah, it's part of it uh, and
(57:03):
I just got super curious why thefuck am I like this?
And and it goes back to thatinner child thing I asked her.
I was like who do you want tobe Nobody?
Speaker 1 (57:14):
ever stopped to ask you that?
Speaker 2 (57:16):
Like, who would you be?
I'd put myself in thissituation where I was like, I
put myself in this deepmeditation.
I was like, let's just pretendyou were born in the wild.
No electronics, maybe we wereraised by wolves, I don't know.
But who would you be?
And it was so different thanwho I was being and that was
(57:42):
radical acceptance.
But also then I had to takeradical ownership, radical
responsibility and then figureout how to unbecome all of that.
And that's the journey.
But man, inner child, I hopesomebody listens to this and is
like I hope this is theirplug-in point, because that's
(58:07):
all you need.
Would you agree with that?
Once you're aware, it reallyfeels like the plugin point.
And then the rest is like justhow curious you get and how
consistent with that curiosityyou are, because it just that's
why I think that's why they callit.
You fall into the rabbit holeLike you can't get enough of it
Once you start seeing resultsand you see a change in yourself
(58:30):
.
And for me, what was the mostbeautiful thing was when people
started saying what are youdoing differently?
Like what's going on?
You're different?
And I was like, oh my God, isit working?
Speaker 1 (58:44):
Yeah, yeah, oh, and sometimes we can't see it.
But other people can't see thetransformation, all that hard
work that we're putting in.
Speaker 2 (58:56):
It's beautiful, beautiful, yeah For everyone.
I want to hear I caught.
Like you know, let's part withwhat is on your heart.
And one final message foreverybody, cause, again, you
know, this's all over the place,as you see, that's good, I love
it.
We bounce around, but that'swhat it means to talk shit, like
(59:18):
we're just talking about kindsof shit, whatever happens.
But like, what are your finalwords of wisdom, what's on your
heart?
And then, if you'll close itout with I didn't even introduce
you and your last name, I justsaid Ruth, I just assumed
everybody knew who you were.
And then, um, but if you'll,just, you know, tell them where
to find you, uh, how to workwith you, if you're accepting
(59:40):
clients or any events, anything,just all the Ruth things.
And then, um, your last wisdom,or your last nugget of wisdom
for everybody listening.
Speaker 1 (59:51):
It's so interesting.
You say wisdom, because that'skind of part of what I wanted to
bring up, because you said, youknow, like plugging in into
that, and what comes up for meis that we do have, every single
one of us, we have thatinternal, innate, ancestral,
spiritual, higher self wisdom.
(01:00:13):
You know, I'm using partslanguage as well because I use
it heavily in work with clientsand in my own journey too.
But we're born with it, we haveaccess to it.
Sometimes we feel like we havemore access, sometimes we don't
feel like we have any access toit, but it's there.
It's just kind of sometimesgets clouded by a lot of the
(01:00:34):
protector mechanisms that wehave the caretaker, the
perfectionist, the task maker,the inner critic or whatnot.
But compassionate curiosityhelps uncover and uncloud that
higher self, that deep innerwisdom that we all have and that
(01:00:56):
takes time and patience,confronting all the layers with
nonjudgmental curiosity.
Right, like I cannot say thatenough.
I think you're right, like thatis a catalyst to your journeys,
right To our journeys, but thatwe all have that power to do
that.
Healing, again, post-traumaticgrowth we have that innate
(01:01:18):
ability to do it.
We're all wired to do that.
We are complex human creaturesbut we and with that being said,
there's so much about what wecould do that I don't feel like
people you know hear enoughabout Um, and healing is one
part of it but like just theamount of of strength that we
(01:01:40):
have and resilience that we can.
You know, developing new skills, um, and a lot of it.
It's like healing our lineage.
The more we're doing now, we'rehealing our past lineage, the
mother wounds, the father wounds, ancestral wounds, and our
future as well.
And so, you know, I think thatthat's like.
(01:02:03):
The big takeaway for me is thatwe're all wired to have that
internal wisdom.
We're all wired to have that,that strength that can promote
healing and anyone has access toit.
You know, it just takespatience and um all that um
passionate curiosity.
Yeah, so I'll, I'll leave it atthat, um, but I I love what
(01:02:26):
you're saying too about themeditations um therapy, reading
books.
Yes, it is a lot, but sometimesit's the small little sprinkles
of slowing down, resting,giving ourself opportunity,
being community safety forourself, providing safety,
(01:02:48):
whether it's boundaries or it'ssafety in know um, safety in the
body, through breath work orthrough, you know, other
meditations, talking to ourparts, talking to our inner
children.
Um yeah, so I think that I'llleave it at that.
You know um for some seconds,yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:03:08):
I love that, uh, because I tell everybody like it
compounds, just do, just getcurious about something one
thing each day and can we justsay, like no shame.
I know we say judgment likethere's no shame, there's no
shame.
We judge ourselves entirely toomuch for things that we really
(01:03:28):
we just shouldn't.
So with that, that was abeautiful place to close.
How can they find you?
Speaker 1 (01:03:35):
Yeah, so uh, full name, ruth Tessima.
Um, you can find me onInstagram.
My handle is uh talk with Ruth.
Uh website is rising selfwellness and that's where you
can find um my info around umpsychotherapy services, um
holistic wellness workshops,sound bath, breath work.
(01:03:57):
Um, obviously, I'm in Oregon,so I see Oregon clients.
I'm licensed in Oregon.
However, um some of theworkshops I'm I'm really hoping,
within the next year, to startexpanding to uh virtual um
wellness workshops and so, likeI said earlier, like I have
(01:04:17):
workshops around parts work,somatic parts work, um inner
child healing, um boundaries, umvagus nerve reset, uh, and then
breath work and sound bathsobviously as well.
So, hopefully, you know, I cankind of bring in community
outside of Oregon, but that's inthe works.
(01:04:38):
But, yeah, rising Self Wellnesstalk with Ruth on Instagram.
Speaker 2 (01:04:49):
I swiped.
Oh, you swiped.
Okay, that's fine, I swiped itand I couldn't.
I didn't find you, oh no I'vedone that before.
Speaker 1 (01:04:57):
Oh, yeah, I was.
Speaker 2 (01:04:58):
I muted myself because I live by an airport and
I was like I don't want tointerrupt her.
And anyway, phil, it's all good.
Well, everybody go find missruth, and I can't wait for more
of the virtual stuff.
Uh, I just you should do aretreat at some point too.
Just gonna throw that out there, totally, totally.
Oh, this was awesome.
(01:05:19):
I'm so glad we finally got todo it.
Uh, I forgot to tell you I loveall the plants and books in the
background.
Oh, thank you such a vibe, sucha vibe, um, and I guess we'll
just stay connected throughinstagram and and thank you,
thank you.
I can't thank you enough foryour time, for your energy, for
your wisdom and just being theincredible human that you are.
(01:05:40):
Okay, that's really sweet.
Speaker 1 (01:05:43):
Thank you.
I appreciate you too.
This was lovely.
You got me fired up 8 am.
Speaker 2 (01:05:48):
I love, love it Good, good, good.
All right, go out there andtake on the day, and I will talk
with you soon.
Speaker 1 (01:05:55):
Talk soon, absolutely .
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