April 1, 2025 • 29 mins
Birthday reflections hit differently when you're staring down 36 years of life experiences, complete with all the messy, beautiful, and sometimes downright painful moments that shape who we become.
My journey has been anything but straightforward. I've navigated divorce, blended family dynamics, pregnancy loss, and the death of my daughter's father—all while battling anxiety, CPTSD, and coming to terms with being neurodivergent. The constant struggle between wanting acceptance and needing to be authentically myself has finally reached a tipping point where I'm choosing the latter, even when it's uncomfortable.
Through the chaos, I've somehow managed to create a podcast, meet fascinating people from Olympians to professional fighters, write a book, buy a camper, and raise amazing children. These achievements didn't happen because life was perfect—they happened despite life being imperfect. That's what I want you to take away from this episode: you're still here, still fighting, still creating, and that alone makes you a warrior.
As I enter this new year of life, I'm setting my sights on performing stand-up comedy, finishing my memoir, recording music, and traveling in our camper while homeschooling the kids. It's a tall order, but if there's anything these 36 years have taught me, it's that life is just a set of experiences—and I'm determined to make each one count.
Join me in this raw, unfiltered birthday reflection where I peel back the layers of social media perfection to show you the real, sometimes struggling, but always determined person behind the microphone. Because in a world full of fake shit, couldn't we all use a little more authenticity?
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Ladies and gentlemen, you're listening to Just Women
Talking Shit with your host,jacqueline Cotton.
Hello, it's Jacqueline, yourhost of Just Women Talking Shit.
(00:25):
And well, actually today isMarch 31st.
But today, when this isreleased, if you're listening to
it on the day that it'sactually released, will be April
1st, tuesday.
And 36 years ago the world wasgifted with me At 3.22 pm.
Actually, april 1st was when Iwas born and I just gotta say
(00:48):
that my life has been a fuckingwild ride.
The older you get, the more youreflect and you're like man,
none of that made sense at thattime.
You know I was acting crazy, orI had these certain types of
emotions, or I had thisperspective on life and I
thought I knew this.
And look back and you're likeoh, look at that little baby
human.
She thought she knew it all.
(01:08):
You know young enough to knoweverything Right.
And just older I get, the moreI realize man, life has a funny
way of teaching you things Right.
So I just put together a reel.
Every you know sit, and I thinkwe tend to do that as humans,
especially as anxious humans.
You know what I'm saying andfor me, I am overly anxious.
(01:32):
Everyone near and dear to meknows this, and I've gotten a
bit more verbal about it onlineand different versions of me are
starting to come out of thewoodworks.
Okay, this podcast and I'm veryopen about my mental health and
how it is all over the place and, as of recently, my anxiety is
(01:52):
through the roof, even though Ifeel like it shouldn't be.
So I bought a camper thinking,you know, I just need to travel
more.
So we're about to do that and Ijust started really coming into
my own.
But with coming into my own isowning all of the shit, and I've
got some shitty bits about me,like things I accept, but like I
have a certain type of way.
(02:13):
So something that I want to Iwant to reflect on for a second
is I always get a hoot out ofyou know, on online or people
getting like online on you,right, because if, if dudes
could see how I am in real life,like I try to convey who I am,
but like you're seeing all thelike icky habits or, like you
(02:36):
know, smell my breath in themorning, shit like that.
So it's just going into thislike unapologeticness and a wild
ride for me, and the moreunapologetic I get, the more
variations of me that I amletting out into the open.
For instance, shady Cheryl.
I just introduced to the worldthis funny bitch that I call
(03:01):
Shady Cheryl.
I don't know where she comesfrom, but she just gets real
weird and she gets judgy andshe's funny and she's also not
afraid to say what's on her mindand like she thinks in a weird
way.
I'm neurodivergent, somethingthat I didn't quite understand
until I heard whatneurodivergent meant.
And you pair all this withcreativity and a really
(03:23):
interesting and weird life.
A lot of struggle, a lot ofhardship, right, and that's what
makes a person like thestruggle, the grind, the
uniqueness, the hurdles right.
And it's just been a reallyinteresting past.
I would say 36 months ingeneral.
Life has happened, life haslifed.
You know what I'm saying.
(03:44):
And here we are again.
I'm a whole year older, myspirit still feels so young and
free, and I'm having a reallyhard time accepting things like
and going from being funny tonow I'm going to be like really
honest with you all, becauseit's something that's really
(04:05):
hard to internalize and keep tomyself, but it's kind of.
You know, I'm 36.
My husband is 40.
Um, oh God, he's going to be 45, nine year age gap, right, and
so in the beginning it didn'tseem like anything, it didn't
seem like a fucking thing.
I was like, yes, I'm ready forsome maturity.
Thank you, wham bam, thank you,ma'am.
(04:26):
Okay, but there are just things,you know, time it's it, it, I
guess it does make a difference.
And so, for instance, um, he,he's, he's in his mid forties.
He had three children before mewhen we met he told me he was
done with kids, not gonna happen, right, and that was really
(04:47):
hard for me to swallow because Ionly had one kid.
I got one baby out of him,right, and I'm so beyond
grateful.
And even though he is achallenge, and now that I'm
older I don't have quite as muchpatience.
And then you tag on three kidsthat I'm not my biological
offspring.
So it's difficult to have thatrelationship and no boundaries.
(05:09):
And like it's difficult themore we get into it,
understanding how to balanceparenting whenever it's a
blended family, right.
So, and are just these momentswhere you know she has three
babies and she always said shewas to have no babies, and so
it's not a competition thing,it's just that like since little
(05:29):
girl, I was like I'm going tohave four or five kids like a
mom, right.
And there was just this time inmy life where I felt like I
wasn't going to get any morebabies.
So I'd accepted that and Iapplied to be a foster mom and I
made it through the process andthey were doing my home check
and then I was dating my husbandand we weren't engaged or
anything like that yet, but Iwas laid off of work right
(05:53):
before the pandemic.
And that's, if you don't havean income, but not just an
income, you don't have a job,then you can't foster.
So I was immediatelydisqualified.
But shortly after that and Iwas really torn up about this
y'all because, like, I've calledby God to foster children, like
it, like it was the nextnatural step for me, because I
(06:17):
wanted children so badly and mydaughter was lonely and she
always begged me for a siblingand it was just really fucking
hard for me to accept that.
I was like, that's okay, I'mgoing to be single and I'm not
going to have any more kids,that's okay, but that's God's
will, right.
And then I meet my husband andless than a year into being, you
know, in relationship, I getpregnant and it really opens
(06:42):
both of our eyes and it reallyopens both of our eyes.
On the day of that followingmonth I miscarried.
So I spent Mother's Daymiscarrying our baby and really
(07:05):
another hard pill to swallow,because I thought to myself this
baby was an accident If we wereto go by the standards of
getting married and planning andyou know things.
So I thought, man, I was reallyexcited about that baby and I
had no idea how excited I couldbe about something like that
again.
And it turns out he was reallyexcited too.
So I had the conversation withhim.
I was like, would you ever wantto, you know, have a baby down
the line?
And he was open to the idea.
So, lo and behold, I'm pregnantand I'm pregnant with a boy.
(07:32):
But the whole pregnancy wasspent throughout the pandemic
and so he got to go to zerovisits, including the one where
I miscarried our baby.
And that was the most difficultnews to receive by myself ever,
because shortly and thenshortly after that, I got this.
I got, you know, my daughter'sdad dying too.
So, lost a baby, lost her dadwent through the whole pregnancy
(07:56):
, really stressed out, trying tobe happy, trying to get my
husband's family to accept me,really wanting to.
You know worth in the world ofnew family, because you know
sure, and y'all know a goodbrunt of you know, had a really
hard life and and mom had areally hard life.
(08:16):
So it's no wonder that it'sgetting a little bit better with
each generation, because wedon't want our children to
relive all these generationalcurses right.
And so I thought for sure thatI would come into this family
and it would just be smooth,smooth butter.
And, honestly, the past fewyears have been really hard for
(08:36):
me.
35 was a really hard year forme.
I'm coming to terms with thefact that mental illness does in
some sense rule my life.
I don't 100% know how tofunction in front of people in
social settings.
I'm learning a lot about beingneurodivergent.
(08:58):
I'm learning a lot about mychronic illnesses chronic
illnesses but the constantpressure of wanting to be
accepted has really had more ofan effect on me than I think I
was willing to admit.
And so the past few years havebeen really hard.
I've showed up to certainpeople like a certain person
(09:19):
hoping to be accepted.
I thought that he would bringthis family together, and he has
in a sense, but like there'ssituations where you know now
he's left completely out.
I feel like the past few yearshave really shown me who's our
side and who is there when it'sconvenient for them or they want
(09:41):
to snap a picture for socialmedia.
And so I think that year 36 isgoing to be a lot of hard truths
and I'm afraid of losing a lotbecause I'm just becoming so
concrete in who I am andaccepting that I do suffer
tremendously and that the CPTSDis really, it's got a grip on me
, and that I don't know how tohold a relationship together for
(10:04):
very long before I try toself-implode, self-destruct.
I'm learning so much aboutmyself.
I'm learning so much about whatit's like to be a partner.
You know, been married, trulymarried.
The marriage I had before thiswas a total sham.
Had before this was a totalsham.
(10:26):
I mean interviewed.
They never published it, butlike I was interviewed by a big
publication in the UK about myhusband, my first husband, being
a serial husband.
He married three women withinless than like three.
Every time I needed somewhereto live pretty much and restart
his life, he would jump intorelationship and I truly feel
like I was a victim to thatbecause I was so naive, so
(10:47):
fucking damaged.
So figuring out, you know am,and so this is like what we call
a starter marriage.
You know, it was a dumpsterfire.
I was so naive and wanting tojust be loved and once again
accepted, and trying to besomeone I wasn't, so that
somebody would love me and holdme and appreciate me and just
(11:07):
tell me I was good enough.
You know, relationship ingeneral got me in so much
trouble.
It onset, you know, dad, youknow sanity, because I was so
convinced he was the one that Imade irrational decisions which,
looking back now, dude, I wouldhave done the same fucking
thing Most likely.
(11:27):
You know, this is like my realmarriage and it's hard, it's
really hard.
It's hard considering thecircumstances, considering, you
know, we were in the middle ofthe pandemic.
We had just lost a baby, he wasfreshly divorced, I was freshly
divorced, we had a legalobligation to get married, to
live with each other.
Not saying that we never wouldhave gotten married, but it was
(11:49):
a lot of pressure and it almostfeels as though it's been held
against us, like my son notbeing involved with some certain
family situations and justfeeling left out, and I feel
like I'm punished by this lifethat I've built in a way.
And so this past year has beenreally rough, trying to figure
(12:11):
out how can you be happy whenyou're not always happy, when
it's hard to be happy because ofmental illness, how can you be
happy?
And I've tried, you know, andanxiety medicine and things of
that nature.
And I smoke marijuana, cannabis, I'm sorry, medical cannabis,
right, and even that I'm pullingback from and figuring out how
(12:33):
to function without relying onsomething to calm me down.
But it's hard, hard, becauseI've been in such denial.
I want to say that I'vehonestly been like toxic to a
certain extent throughout thepast few years.
You know, I could just likefuck, fake it till I make it.
If I just kept appearing to bestrong, nobody would question my
(12:59):
strength.
And now I find myself most dayscornered on a couch If I'm not
being active, walking, you know,doing things with the kids or
running errands or working outat the gym, which is like you
know.
And fitness has taken on a hugepart of my life.
I cannot function without it.
My mental health cannotfunction without it.
(13:21):
Age 36, I'm going to be in thebest shape of my life.
I hope to be.
I don't have a heart attack ora stroke before then.
But it's been such a wild rideand I just think back, you know,
I'm realizing so much aboutmyself and how I limit myself
through my chronic illness or Ifeel limited through chronic
illness and chronic mentalhealth crises.
(13:47):
I've been told that I underminemyself and I undercompensate
for my situations or I don'tgive myself enough credit, in a
sense.
And so I want to take a secondto toot my own horn, I guess,
back on how much I'veaccomplished throughout all the
(14:10):
heartache, you know, divorce,losing my child's father who,
regardless of the terms that weended on, and you know being in
the middle of a custody battleand just fighting for what we
each truly believed was rightman.
(14:32):
He was my best friend.
You know miss him, even thoughwe fought a lot like we had such
a common denominator ourdaughter and I miss him and I'm
still hurting from that.
I'm still hurting from losingthat baby um.
And so it's really cool to beable to, you know, say, oh well,
I made a whole new human.
I started a podcast in themiddle of a pandemic, when the
world needed connection morethan anything, and I met an
(14:54):
Olympian, I met a professionalfighter.
I met so many interestingpeople, so many interesting
women.
It's insane.
I've made some of the mostgenuine connections.
I feel like I could call onpeople all around the world and
they would have my back.
You know a book I've somehowmanaged to.
(15:20):
Even though we're notfinancially well we don't do
well, we are in such we'reovercompensating for debt
borrowing.
You know from over the pandemic.
I think a lot of us went intoheavy debt during the pandemic.
We're still trying to catch upfrom that.
So but but I've somehow beenable to stay home and and
(15:41):
nurture my anxiety and figureout how to.
To right, I was able to buy acamper even though I didn't get
to have a wedding.
I got married.
I got to have my miracle baby.
I was playing music again.
I got to travel to the Ozarksand not only go to the Ozarks
but pay for a friend, which itput me in debt and, looking back
now, I probably should havebeen smarter, but I just wanted
(16:03):
her to go so bad right.
I meet a client in the Ozarkswho I'm going next week to.
I get to go see her again.
I'm taking the camper and I'mtaking my kids, and just things
that I never would have doneyears ago.
I never would have been able topush myself, I never would have
been able to work up towards itand I just can't.
(16:25):
It's kind of wild to me.
Oh, I got to go to Chicago.
I went to meet, you know, mycoach and celebrate with her for
the 100th episode of Just WomenTalking Shit.
I obtained my first sponsor.
You know they send me freeproducts that I don't have to
pay money for.
So it's just like all thesethings after some really big
brands throughout the past, youknow half, and so all I'm saying
(16:48):
is like I'm sitting heretooting my own horn.
But I hope that you stop everyyear on your birthday and you
really reflect and think abouthow strong you are, how amazing
you are, how there is no oneelse out there like you Not a
fucking soul and how You've doneso much, even though some days
it feels like the world hasdealt you.
(17:10):
You know, hand of cards On thebad mental health days, when
you're feeling unwell.
You know, don't feel on top ofthe world.
I hope that you at least can onday when the day you were born,
the day that you took yourfirst breath, can go man, happy
birthday to me, like I'm,because we don't feel like that
(17:30):
all the time.
But then if you can sit andreflect and if on this birthday
you can just make the promise toyourself to push yourself out
of your comfort zone a littlebit more, you know, if you have
a big list of things that youwant to accomplish, just pick
one thing you know, work towardsthat.
Take like once every day maybe,like day one is just look into
it on the internet, and then daytwo is make a list of things
(17:51):
you need to do and on day threeit's just start working towards
that first thing on the list.
Like what I found, and I'm notthat fucking old.
I tell myself, oh, I'm gettingold as shit and I feel old as
shit some days, right, but myspirit is young.
But what I'm seeing and what Ithink I've known from a very
young age, even from a veryyoung age, even though it's
(18:16):
really hard to slow down, toappreciate this is that life is
just a set of experiences.
And if you want to go into thewhole matrix and the whole
illusion of life and you createyour own reality, then your
reality is based on yourperception reality, then then
your reality is based on yourperception and perceptions are
built off of beliefs.
Beliefs are built offrepetitive thoughts over time.
So if you can just just do yourbest to change your thoughts,
(18:41):
you know environment like justwe'll create a new reality is
what I found, and it's reallyhard to stop sometimes and just
slow the fuck down and go.
Yeah, life is set ofexperiences and, like I, just
stop and appreciate thisparticular experience for what
it is and be able to, in anyenvironment, any predicament,
(19:03):
any situation, any phase orseason of life, be able to just
go.
I appreciate this for what itis.
This is an experience.
What am I supposed toexperience?
What am I supposed to learn?
I think that a lot of us are sobusy talking, so busy trying to
distract ourselves, right Withthese phones, with podcasts,
(19:25):
with that we don't actually sitwith ourselves to get all the
answers.
So I think 36 is going to be alot of me sitting with myself
and with my children figuringout how to navigate so that we
can all be at our happiest.
You know we can be.
Is every day going to be afucking rainbow?
(19:47):
No, you know, it's not going tobe rainbows and unicorn
buttholes right, it's not alwaysgoing to be that beautiful Like
I imagine buttholes beingbeautiful, like I know buttholes
are really beautiful, but ifanybody's would be unicorn,
right, okay, Just so we're inagreement there.
But how can we feel the mostaligned in life so that we can
(20:11):
all greatly benefit from thisexperience called life?
You know, just going to sit herewith myself, do a little bit of
work, get this podcastscheduled, all the things, and
just remind you to take sometime, like I just did with you
all, to just stop and reflect,reflect yourself, give yourself
(20:32):
some grace, pat yourself on theback.
You're still alive.
That in itself is anaccomplishment if you really
stop and think about it.
You're still alive.
So that's pretty fucking cool.
You're a badass for still beinghere.
That means you're a warrior.
Yeah, we might have bears orlions chasing us, but like the
(20:53):
way crazy.
But you're still here, I'mstill here.
So that's an accomplishment.
I just want you to know that Ilove you.
I love all of you so much, Iappreciate you all so much.
I don't know when this podcastwill you know off, but this is
the year that I completely justrelease, release and just show
(21:17):
up the best I can be, even whenit's messy, and be as real as I
can be with all of you.
I think that is the key tosuccess is being able to truly
capture my authenticity andrealness with all of you,
because the world is full of toomuch fake shit, too much scary
(21:38):
shit, too much fluff Right, andI want this to be like the place
you can go and go.
You know what I don't feeljudged.
I feel like I'm always going tobe able to see a fresh
perspective.
I can write in I can you knowwhat I don't feel judged.
I feel like I'm always going tobe able to see a fresh
perspective.
I can write in.
I can you know I can getanswers and I feel included.
I feel loved, accepted,appreciated, even if they don't
(22:00):
know me, because it's just goingto be a constant rotation of
beautiful minds, experts andjust so much wisdom.
I've got some really greatepisodes coming up.
I can't wait and wait, because Idon't want to get too much
older, or at least I don't wantto speed up the process.
You know, I want to live in thepresent more.
That is really age 36.
(22:22):
That's my thing is figuring outhow to relax.
I feel like I don't know how torelax, and so learn how to
relax and be present and somehowstill capture, through vlogs
and content, our road trips.
You know, be on the road.
I'm going to be renting thecamper out.
I'm starting a business withthat.
I'm going to be working onpassive income streams.
(22:43):
I'm music again, so I'll be,you know, together putting an
album together, touring allthose things.
I'll be, you know, togetherputting an album together,
touring all those things.
Shady Cheryl has made herappearance.
I'm working on my comedy skitright now and I plan to be
performing within the next year.
By age 37, I want to have mydebut stand up and I want to
(23:03):
have my book done by 37, too, mymemoir, and so lots of things
coming up.
I'm getting older.
The older you get, the more yourealize how every day is a
fucking blessing, and I'm so,even though you know days where
I, like you, don't want to exist.
It's not that I want to hurtmyself, it's just that I, that's
(23:25):
feeling sometimes the mentalillness gives you is like what
would it be like to just notexist?
It's not a kill me or anythinglike that, it's just straight up
, I don't want anybody to touchme, I just want to to, and for
me that's sometimes like I'dimagine being in the middle of a
field of flowers and like justknowing what day it is, not
(23:47):
having anything to worry about,money not being a thing, having
no pressure, no expectations,like nothing.
I want to exist.
I want to take me about thebeach and give me a book and
throw me some coconuts.
Like I want to unplug from thematrix, right so?
But I'm still so grateful to behere because just in voicing
(24:08):
this, I feel so much moreempowered to get all these
things done.
That's a tall order.
That's a tall fucking order.
And if I can do it, you'regoing to be like what the fuck
is she taking and what is she on?
And I'm going to be telling youif I'm still smoking cannabis,
cannabis Life.
I'm on law and life Because Idon't know.
(24:32):
I just can't help but feel likethere's so many more people I
need to have discussions with.
Somebody needs to talk to me,or I need to talk to somebody
and I'm ready to connect.
I'm ready to have those heartto soul conversations.
I want to look inside the nittygritty and I want to change the
world.
The joke is is this podcast ismy version of you know that
(24:53):
Ricky Lake was the coolest bitchever when I was a kid and I'd
watch her show and I was likeI'm going to be like Ricky Lake.
I was afraid to talk to peoplebut I was like I might be like
Ricky Lake.
That was before the world reallygot me down, really made me
think I couldn't do somethinglike this, and so I started with
the podcast and it was made methink I couldn't do something
like this, and so I started withthe podcast and it was all
voice.
I wasn't showing videos andI've just recently started
(25:14):
putting videos out and now I'mgetting a set together and I'm
going to be taking it on theroad and interviewing people on
our homeschool trips and stuff.
You know it's coming together.
It's weird seeing it cometogether and I knew it could
come together and I wasn't surehow it come together, but it's
coming together and so if I canpull this off which I think I
(25:35):
can I will have the life thatI've always wanted and that's
just entertaining people, makingpeople laugh, making people
feel loved, getting to show myart traveling, getting to show
my art traveling.
I don't want to meet a stranger, I want to be able to hug
everybody.
That's the world I want to livein and I'm 36.
(26:00):
Whoa, close to 40.
And they say Tina Fey got herstart around 40.
So 36, here we come.
It's going to be a banger.
I don't know what I was talkingabout five minutes ago, but I'm
pretty sure I got off topic andso we're getting older that
dementia could be setting in.
So bear with me, but I'm done.
(26:21):
I love y'all so much I'm goingto go.
I was trying to get this episodedone real quick because my
daughter Finley and my son Campwell, he wants to be called
Phillip, his name is PhillipCamp, but went with my husband
because it's really important toFinley that she feels like she
makes me feel special tomorrowbecause she sees how I go above
(26:43):
and beyond for everybody else'sbirthdays right, and part of
that mental illness is like sheand she suffers too, especially
with her dad dying.
But she's able to identifyreally quickly when I'm really
sad and some days she'll justlike tell me everything and I'll
just, ah, I feel especially so.
She knows and she listens andshe takes notes.
She literally takes notes inher phone.
(27:04):
She's been asking me for acouple weeks now what's your
favorite breakfast, what's yourfavorite snack, and so I was
trying to get this episode donebefore they get home and I'm
going to go now because I canlike.
I know mommy sense is going off.
It's like four o'clock.
They should be home right now,so I'm hoping to get out before
they got home so that I didn'thave any big interruptions.
(27:24):
But thank you for listening tome.
I love y'all so much.
If you go to the website, youcan now send in vocal recordings
.
So if you have any questionsfor me, if you have any
questions in regards to aspecific topic, go ahead and
send those in.
You can also email us.
You can also send us a text.
(27:44):
We will take these questionsand ask them to the appropriate
kind of expert or theappropriate guest, and we'll get
you the answers that you need.
If you want your name to belisted, just put your first name
and your last initial, and ifyou want to be renamed anonymous
, you can do that too.
So that's all I got for y'all.
(28:06):
I'm 36, getting old as shit, 37, here we come, another whirl
around the sun, and I am justgetting started.
Ladies and gentlemen, you're listening to Just Women
Talking Shit with your host,jacqueline Cotton.
Hello, it's Jacqueline, yourhost of Just Women Talking Shit.
(00:25):
And well, actually today isMarch 31st.
But today, when this isreleased, if you're listening to
it on the day that it'sactually released, will be April
1st, tuesday.
And 36 years ago the world wasgifted with me At 3.22 pm.
Actually, april 1st was when Iwas born and I just gotta say
(00:48):
that my life has been a fuckingwild ride.
The older you get, the more youreflect and you're like man,
none of that made sense at thattime.
You know I was acting crazy, orI had these certain types of
emotions, or I had thisperspective on life and I
thought I knew this.
And look back and you're likeoh, look at that little baby
human.
She thought she knew it all.
(01:08):
You know young enough to knoweverything Right.
And just older I get, the moreI realize man, life has a funny
way of teaching you things Right.
So I just put together a reel.
Every you know sit, and I thinkwe tend to do that as humans,
especially as anxious humans.
You know what I'm saying andfor me, I am overly anxious.
(01:32):
Everyone near and dear to meknows this, and I've gotten a
bit more verbal about it onlineand different versions of me are
starting to come out of thewoodworks.
Okay, this podcast and I'm veryopen about my mental health and
how it is all over the place and, as of recently, my anxiety is
(01:52):
through the roof, even though Ifeel like it shouldn't be.
So I bought a camper thinking,you know, I just need to travel
more.
So we're about to do that and Ijust started really coming into
my own.
But with coming into my own isowning all of the shit, and I've
got some shitty bits about me,like things I accept, but like I
have a certain type of way.
(02:13):
So something that I want to Iwant to reflect on for a second
is I always get a hoot out ofyou know, on online or people
getting like online on you,right, because if, if dudes
could see how I am in real life,like I try to convey who I am,
but like you're seeing all thelike icky habits or, like you
(02:36):
know, smell my breath in themorning, shit like that.
So it's just going into thislike unapologeticness and a wild
ride for me, and the moreunapologetic I get, the more
variations of me that I amletting out into the open.
For instance, shady Cheryl.
I just introduced to the worldthis funny bitch that I call
(03:01):
Shady Cheryl.
I don't know where she comesfrom, but she just gets real
weird and she gets judgy andshe's funny and she's also not
afraid to say what's on her mindand like she thinks in a weird
way.
I'm neurodivergent, somethingthat I didn't quite understand
until I heard whatneurodivergent meant.
And you pair all this withcreativity and a really
(03:23):
interesting and weird life.
A lot of struggle, a lot ofhardship, right, and that's what
makes a person like thestruggle, the grind, the
uniqueness, the hurdles right.
And it's just been a reallyinteresting past.
I would say 36 months ingeneral.
Life has happened, life haslifed.
You know what I'm saying.
(03:44):
And here we are again.
I'm a whole year older, myspirit still feels so young and
free, and I'm having a reallyhard time accepting things like
and going from being funny tonow I'm going to be like really
honest with you all, becauseit's something that's really
(04:05):
hard to internalize and keep tomyself, but it's kind of.
You know, I'm 36.
My husband is 40.
Um, oh God, he's going to be 45, nine year age gap, right, and
so in the beginning it didn'tseem like anything, it didn't
seem like a fucking thing.
I was like, yes, I'm ready forsome maturity.
Thank you, wham bam, thank you,ma'am.
(04:26):
Okay, but there are just things,you know, time it's it, it, I
guess it does make a difference.
And so, for instance, um, he,he's, he's in his mid forties.
He had three children before mewhen we met he told me he was
done with kids, not gonna happen, right, and that was really
(04:47):
hard for me to swallow because Ionly had one kid.
I got one baby out of him,right, and I'm so beyond
grateful.
And even though he is achallenge, and now that I'm
older I don't have quite as muchpatience.
And then you tag on three kidsthat I'm not my biological
offspring.
So it's difficult to have thatrelationship and no boundaries.
(05:09):
And like it's difficult themore we get into it,
understanding how to balanceparenting whenever it's a
blended family, right.
So, and are just these momentswhere you know she has three
babies and she always said shewas to have no babies, and so
it's not a competition thing,it's just that like since little
(05:29):
girl, I was like I'm going tohave four or five kids like a
mom, right.
And there was just this time inmy life where I felt like I
wasn't going to get any morebabies.
So I'd accepted that and Iapplied to be a foster mom and I
made it through the process andthey were doing my home check
and then I was dating my husbandand we weren't engaged or
anything like that yet, but Iwas laid off of work right
(05:53):
before the pandemic.
And that's, if you don't havean income, but not just an
income, you don't have a job,then you can't foster.
So I was immediatelydisqualified.
But shortly after that and Iwas really torn up about this
y'all because, like, I've calledby God to foster children, like
it, like it was the nextnatural step for me, because I
(06:17):
wanted children so badly and mydaughter was lonely and she
always begged me for a siblingand it was just really fucking
hard for me to accept that.
I was like, that's okay, I'mgoing to be single and I'm not
going to have any more kids,that's okay, but that's God's
will, right.
And then I meet my husband andless than a year into being, you
know, in relationship, I getpregnant and it really opens
(06:42):
both of our eyes and it reallyopens both of our eyes.
On the day of that followingmonth I miscarried.
So I spent Mother's Daymiscarrying our baby and really
(07:05):
another hard pill to swallow,because I thought to myself this
baby was an accident If we wereto go by the standards of
getting married and planning andyou know things.
So I thought, man, I was reallyexcited about that baby and I
had no idea how excited I couldbe about something like that
again.
And it turns out he was reallyexcited too.
So I had the conversation withhim.
I was like, would you ever wantto, you know, have a baby down
the line?
And he was open to the idea.
So, lo and behold, I'm pregnantand I'm pregnant with a boy.
(07:32):
But the whole pregnancy wasspent throughout the pandemic
and so he got to go to zerovisits, including the one where
I miscarried our baby.
And that was the most difficultnews to receive by myself ever,
because shortly and thenshortly after that, I got this.
I got, you know, my daughter'sdad dying too.
So, lost a baby, lost her dadwent through the whole pregnancy
(07:56):
, really stressed out, trying tobe happy, trying to get my
husband's family to accept me,really wanting to.
You know worth in the world ofnew family, because you know
sure, and y'all know a goodbrunt of you know, had a really
hard life and and mom had areally hard life.
(08:16):
So it's no wonder that it'sgetting a little bit better with
each generation, because wedon't want our children to
relive all these generationalcurses right.
And so I thought for sure thatI would come into this family
and it would just be smooth,smooth butter.
And, honestly, the past fewyears have been really hard for
(08:36):
me.
35 was a really hard year forme.
I'm coming to terms with thefact that mental illness does in
some sense rule my life.
I don't 100% know how tofunction in front of people in
social settings.
I'm learning a lot about beingneurodivergent.
(08:58):
I'm learning a lot about mychronic illnesses chronic
illnesses but the constantpressure of wanting to be
accepted has really had more ofan effect on me than I think I
was willing to admit.
And so the past few years havebeen really hard.
I've showed up to certainpeople like a certain person
(09:19):
hoping to be accepted.
I thought that he would bringthis family together, and he has
in a sense, but like there'ssituations where you know now
he's left completely out.
I feel like the past few yearshave really shown me who's our
side and who is there when it'sconvenient for them or they want
(09:41):
to snap a picture for socialmedia.
And so I think that year 36 isgoing to be a lot of hard truths
and I'm afraid of losing a lotbecause I'm just becoming so
concrete in who I am andaccepting that I do suffer
tremendously and that the CPTSDis really, it's got a grip on me
, and that I don't know how tohold a relationship together for
(10:04):
very long before I try toself-implode, self-destruct.
I'm learning so much aboutmyself.
I'm learning so much about whatit's like to be a partner.
You know, been married, trulymarried.
The marriage I had before thiswas a total sham.
Had before this was a totalsham.
(10:26):
I mean interviewed.
They never published it, butlike I was interviewed by a big
publication in the UK about myhusband, my first husband, being
a serial husband.
He married three women withinless than like three.
Every time I needed somewhereto live pretty much and restart
his life, he would jump intorelationship and I truly feel
like I was a victim to thatbecause I was so naive, so
(10:47):
fucking damaged.
So figuring out, you know am,and so this is like what we call
a starter marriage.
You know, it was a dumpsterfire.
I was so naive and wanting tojust be loved and once again
accepted, and trying to besomeone I wasn't, so that
somebody would love me and holdme and appreciate me and just
(11:07):
tell me I was good enough.
You know, relationship ingeneral got me in so much
trouble.
It onset, you know, dad, youknow sanity, because I was so
convinced he was the one that Imade irrational decisions which,
looking back now, dude, I wouldhave done the same fucking
thing Most likely.
(11:27):
You know, this is like my realmarriage and it's hard, it's
really hard.
It's hard considering thecircumstances, considering, you
know, we were in the middle ofthe pandemic.
We had just lost a baby, he wasfreshly divorced, I was freshly
divorced, we had a legalobligation to get married, to
live with each other.
Not saying that we never wouldhave gotten married, but it was
(11:49):
a lot of pressure and it almostfeels as though it's been held
against us, like my son notbeing involved with some certain
family situations and justfeeling left out, and I feel
like I'm punished by this lifethat I've built in a way.
And so this past year has beenreally rough, trying to figure
(12:11):
out how can you be happy whenyou're not always happy, when
it's hard to be happy because ofmental illness, how can you be
happy?
And I've tried, you know, andanxiety medicine and things of
that nature.
And I smoke marijuana, cannabis, I'm sorry, medical cannabis,
right, and even that I'm pullingback from and figuring out how
(12:33):
to function without relying onsomething to calm me down.
But it's hard, hard, becauseI've been in such denial.
I want to say that I'vehonestly been like toxic to a
certain extent throughout thepast few years.
You know, I could just likefuck, fake it till I make it.
If I just kept appearing to bestrong, nobody would question my
(12:59):
strength.
And now I find myself most dayscornered on a couch If I'm not
being active, walking, you know,doing things with the kids or
running errands or working outat the gym, which is like you
know.
And fitness has taken on a hugepart of my life.
I cannot function without it.
My mental health cannotfunction without it.
(13:21):
Age 36, I'm going to be in thebest shape of my life.
I hope to be.
I don't have a heart attack ora stroke before then.
But it's been such a wild rideand I just think back, you know,
I'm realizing so much aboutmyself and how I limit myself
through my chronic illness or Ifeel limited through chronic
illness and chronic mentalhealth crises.
(13:47):
I've been told that I underminemyself and I undercompensate
for my situations or I don'tgive myself enough credit, in a
sense.
And so I want to take a secondto toot my own horn, I guess,
back on how much I'veaccomplished throughout all the
(14:10):
heartache, you know, divorce,losing my child's father who,
regardless of the terms that weended on, and you know being in
the middle of a custody battleand just fighting for what we
each truly believed was rightman.
(14:32):
He was my best friend.
You know miss him, even thoughwe fought a lot like we had such
a common denominator ourdaughter and I miss him and I'm
still hurting from that.
I'm still hurting from losingthat baby um.
And so it's really cool to beable to, you know, say, oh well,
I made a whole new human.
I started a podcast in themiddle of a pandemic, when the
world needed connection morethan anything, and I met an
(14:54):
Olympian, I met a professionalfighter.
I met so many interestingpeople, so many interesting
women.
It's insane.
I've made some of the mostgenuine connections.
I feel like I could call onpeople all around the world and
they would have my back.
You know a book I've somehowmanaged to.
(15:20):
Even though we're notfinancially well we don't do
well, we are in such we'reovercompensating for debt
borrowing.
You know from over the pandemic.
I think a lot of us went intoheavy debt during the pandemic.
We're still trying to catch upfrom that.
So but but I've somehow beenable to stay home and and
(15:41):
nurture my anxiety and figureout how to.
To right, I was able to buy acamper even though I didn't get
to have a wedding.
I got married.
I got to have my miracle baby.
I was playing music again.
I got to travel to the Ozarksand not only go to the Ozarks
but pay for a friend, which itput me in debt and, looking back
now, I probably should havebeen smarter, but I just wanted
(16:03):
her to go so bad right.
I meet a client in the Ozarkswho I'm going next week to.
I get to go see her again.
I'm taking the camper and I'mtaking my kids, and just things
that I never would have doneyears ago.
I never would have been able topush myself, I never would have
been able to work up towards itand I just can't.
(16:25):
It's kind of wild to me.
Oh, I got to go to Chicago.
I went to meet, you know, mycoach and celebrate with her for
the 100th episode of Just WomenTalking Shit.
I obtained my first sponsor.
You know they send me freeproducts that I don't have to
pay money for.
So it's just like all thesethings after some really big
brands throughout the past, youknow half, and so all I'm saying
(16:48):
is like I'm sitting heretooting my own horn.
But I hope that you stop everyyear on your birthday and you
really reflect and think abouthow strong you are, how amazing
you are, how there is no oneelse out there like you Not a
fucking soul and how You've doneso much, even though some days
it feels like the world hasdealt you.
(17:10):
You know, hand of cards On thebad mental health days, when
you're feeling unwell.
You know, don't feel on top ofthe world.
I hope that you at least can onday when the day you were born,
the day that you took yourfirst breath, can go man, happy
birthday to me, like I'm,because we don't feel like that
(17:30):
all the time.
But then if you can sit andreflect and if on this birthday
you can just make the promise toyourself to push yourself out
of your comfort zone a littlebit more, you know, if you have
a big list of things that youwant to accomplish, just pick
one thing you know, work towardsthat.
Take like once every day maybe,like day one is just look into
it on the internet, and then daytwo is make a list of things
(17:51):
you need to do and on day threeit's just start working towards
that first thing on the list.
Like what I found, and I'm notthat fucking old.
I tell myself, oh, I'm gettingold as shit and I feel old as
shit some days, right, but myspirit is young.
But what I'm seeing and what Ithink I've known from a very
young age, even from a veryyoung age, even though it's
(18:16):
really hard to slow down, toappreciate this is that life is
just a set of experiences.
And if you want to go into thewhole matrix and the whole
illusion of life and you createyour own reality, then your
reality is based on yourperception reality, then then
your reality is based on yourperception and perceptions are
built off of beliefs.
Beliefs are built offrepetitive thoughts over time.
So if you can just just do yourbest to change your thoughts,
(18:41):
you know environment like justwe'll create a new reality is
what I found, and it's reallyhard to stop sometimes and just
slow the fuck down and go.
Yeah, life is set ofexperiences and, like I, just
stop and appreciate thisparticular experience for what
it is and be able to, in anyenvironment, any predicament,
(19:03):
any situation, any phase orseason of life, be able to just
go.
I appreciate this for what itis.
This is an experience.
What am I supposed toexperience?
What am I supposed to learn?
I think that a lot of us are sobusy talking, so busy trying to
distract ourselves, right Withthese phones, with podcasts,
(19:25):
with that we don't actually sitwith ourselves to get all the
answers.
So I think 36 is going to be alot of me sitting with myself
and with my children figuringout how to navigate so that we
can all be at our happiest.
You know we can be.
Is every day going to be afucking rainbow?
(19:47):
No, you know, it's not going tobe rainbows and unicorn
buttholes right, it's not alwaysgoing to be that beautiful Like
I imagine buttholes beingbeautiful, like I know buttholes
are really beautiful, but ifanybody's would be unicorn,
right, okay, Just so we're inagreement there.
But how can we feel the mostaligned in life so that we can
(20:11):
all greatly benefit from thisexperience called life?
You know, just going to sit herewith myself, do a little bit of
work, get this podcastscheduled, all the things, and
just remind you to take sometime, like I just did with you
all, to just stop and reflect,reflect yourself, give yourself
(20:32):
some grace, pat yourself on theback.
You're still alive.
That in itself is anaccomplishment if you really
stop and think about it.
You're still alive.
So that's pretty fucking cool.
You're a badass for still beinghere.
That means you're a warrior.
Yeah, we might have bears orlions chasing us, but like the
(20:53):
way crazy.
But you're still here, I'mstill here.
So that's an accomplishment.
I just want you to know that Ilove you.
I love all of you so much, Iappreciate you all so much.
I don't know when this podcastwill you know off, but this is
the year that I completely justrelease, release and just show
(21:17):
up the best I can be, even whenit's messy, and be as real as I
can be with all of you.
I think that is the key tosuccess is being able to truly
capture my authenticity andrealness with all of you,
because the world is full of toomuch fake shit, too much scary
(21:38):
shit, too much fluff Right, andI want this to be like the place
you can go and go.
You know what I don't feeljudged.
I feel like I'm always going tobe able to see a fresh
perspective.
I can write in I can you knowwhat I don't feel judged.
I feel like I'm always going tobe able to see a fresh
perspective.
I can write in.
I can you know I can getanswers and I feel included.
I feel loved, accepted,appreciated, even if they don't
(22:00):
know me, because it's just goingto be a constant rotation of
beautiful minds, experts andjust so much wisdom.
I've got some really greatepisodes coming up.
I can't wait and wait, because Idon't want to get too much
older, or at least I don't wantto speed up the process.
You know, I want to live in thepresent more.
That is really age 36.
(22:22):
That's my thing is figuring outhow to relax.
I feel like I don't know how torelax, and so learn how to
relax and be present and somehowstill capture, through vlogs
and content, our road trips.
You know, be on the road.
I'm going to be renting thecamper out.
I'm starting a business withthat.
I'm going to be working onpassive income streams.
(22:43):
I'm music again, so I'll be,you know, together putting an
album together, touring allthose things.
I'll be, you know, togetherputting an album together,
touring all those things.
Shady Cheryl has made herappearance.
I'm working on my comedy skitright now and I plan to be
performing within the next year.
By age 37, I want to have mydebut stand up and I want to
(23:03):
have my book done by 37, too, mymemoir, and so lots of things
coming up.
I'm getting older.
The older you get, the more yourealize how every day is a
fucking blessing, and I'm so,even though you know days where
I, like you, don't want to exist.
It's not that I want to hurtmyself, it's just that I, that's
(23:25):
feeling sometimes the mentalillness gives you is like what
would it be like to just notexist?
It's not a kill me or anythinglike that, it's just straight up
, I don't want anybody to touchme, I just want to to, and for
me that's sometimes like I'dimagine being in the middle of a
field of flowers and like justknowing what day it is, not
(23:47):
having anything to worry about,money not being a thing, having
no pressure, no expectations,like nothing.
I want to exist.
I want to take me about thebeach and give me a book and
throw me some coconuts.
Like I want to unplug from thematrix, right so?
But I'm still so grateful to behere because just in voicing
(24:08):
this, I feel so much moreempowered to get all these
things done.
That's a tall order.
That's a tall fucking order.
And if I can do it, you'regoing to be like what the fuck
is she taking and what is she on?
And I'm going to be telling youif I'm still smoking cannabis,
cannabis Life.
I'm on law and life Because Idon't know.
(24:32):
I just can't help but feel likethere's so many more people I
need to have discussions with.
Somebody needs to talk to me,or I need to talk to somebody
and I'm ready to connect.
I'm ready to have those heartto soul conversations.
I want to look inside the nittygritty and I want to change the
world.
The joke is is this podcast ismy version of you know that
(24:53):
Ricky Lake was the coolest bitchever when I was a kid and I'd
watch her show and I was likeI'm going to be like Ricky Lake.
I was afraid to talk to peoplebut I was like I might be like
Ricky Lake.
That was before the world reallygot me down, really made me
think I couldn't do somethinglike this, and so I started with
the podcast and it was made methink I couldn't do something
like this, and so I started withthe podcast and it was all
voice.
I wasn't showing videos andI've just recently started
(25:14):
putting videos out and now I'mgetting a set together and I'm
going to be taking it on theroad and interviewing people on
our homeschool trips and stuff.
You know it's coming together.
It's weird seeing it cometogether and I knew it could
come together and I wasn't surehow it come together, but it's
coming together and so if I canpull this off which I think I
(25:35):
can I will have the life thatI've always wanted and that's
just entertaining people, makingpeople laugh, making people
feel loved, getting to show myart traveling, getting to show
my art traveling.
I don't want to meet a stranger, I want to be able to hug
everybody.
That's the world I want to livein and I'm 36.
(26:00):
Whoa, close to 40.
And they say Tina Fey got herstart around 40.
So 36, here we come.
It's going to be a banger.
I don't know what I was talkingabout five minutes ago, but I'm
pretty sure I got off topic andso we're getting older that
dementia could be setting in.
So bear with me, but I'm done.
(26:21):
I love y'all so much I'm goingto go.
I was trying to get this episodedone real quick because my
daughter Finley and my son Campwell, he wants to be called
Phillip, his name is PhillipCamp, but went with my husband
because it's really important toFinley that she feels like she
makes me feel special tomorrowbecause she sees how I go above
(26:43):
and beyond for everybody else'sbirthdays right, and part of
that mental illness is like sheand she suffers too, especially
with her dad dying.
But she's able to identifyreally quickly when I'm really
sad and some days she'll justlike tell me everything and I'll
just, ah, I feel especially so.
She knows and she listens andshe takes notes.
She literally takes notes inher phone.
(27:04):
She's been asking me for acouple weeks now what's your
favorite breakfast, what's yourfavorite snack, and so I was
trying to get this episode donebefore they get home and I'm
going to go now because I canlike.
I know mommy sense is going off.
It's like four o'clock.
They should be home right now,so I'm hoping to get out before
they got home so that I didn'thave any big interruptions.
(27:24):
But thank you for listening tome.
I love y'all so much.
If you go to the website, youcan now send in vocal recordings
.
So if you have any questionsfor me, if you have any
questions in regards to aspecific topic, go ahead and
send those in.
You can also email us.
You can also send us a text.
(27:44):
We will take these questionsand ask them to the appropriate
kind of expert or theappropriate guest, and we'll get
you the answers that you need.
If you want your name to belisted, just put your first name
and your last initial, and ifyou want to be renamed anonymous
, you can do that too.
So that's all I got for y'all.
(28:06):
I'm 36, getting old as shit, 37, here we come, another whirl
around the sun, and I am justgetting started.
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