April 29, 2025 • 12 mins
Ready for some unfiltered truth about self-love? Forget the Instagram-worthy bubble baths and calming candles—this episode tears down the facade of performative self-care to reveal what loving yourself actually requires.
Self-love isn't a vibe or an aesthetic—it's a practice built on radical honesty and keeping promises to yourself. When you post about "boundaries" but still answer texts from people who drain you, when you claim to deserve better but continue settling, you're not practicing self-love—you're lying to yourself.
True self-respect requires four essential elements: radical honesty about your habits and choices, keeping your word to yourself (because if you don't trust you, why should anyone else?), knowing when to walk away even from people you love, and creating internal safety rather than seeking validation from outside sources. These aren't comfortable practices, but they build the foundation for genuine confidence.
The episode provides practical habits you can implement immediately, including making a daily non-negotiable list (pick just one promise and keep it), speaking to yourself with respect, doing something inconvenient that honors your future self, and tracking the gap between what you want versus what you tolerate. Self-love isn't built on dopamine hits—it's forged in moments of discomfort and difficult choices.
Your new mantra? "I am no longer abandoning myself just to make other people comfortable. I trust myself to keep my word. I will stop shrinking into smaller spaces that I've outgrown." Because genuine self-love isn't soft—it's fierce, and it's about choosing yourself over and over until it becomes second nature. Ready to stop abandoning yourself? This episode shows you how.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Ladies and gentlemen, you're listening to Just Women
Talking Shit with your host,jacqueline Cotton.
Welcome back to Just WomenTalking Shit.
Today we're going to go overthe no bullshit guide to
(00:27):
self-love your blunt, practicaland radically honest look at
what it really takes to loveyourself.
So if you're new here, welcome,welcome, welcome.
You should just go ahead andknow that on Just Women Talking
Shit, the sugarcoating gets leftat the door.
And today's episode, a nobullshit guide to self-love.
It's not the pinterest boardversion, okay, it's not the just
(00:51):
take a bath and light a candleversion.
I'm talking radicalself-respect, emotional honesty
and actions that build real assconfidence.
This is self-love with grit,with edge, with guts.
So if you're tired of feelinglike you're performing for the
world while abandoning yourselfbehind the scenes, this is your
episode.
(01:11):
Let's talk about what self-loveisn't and take a moment to send
this episode to somebody thatis near and dear to you or just
comes to mind, because that'sgoing to let them know that you
care about them and that youwant them to love themselves
more.
This would be a good time tosend it to that person you care
about.
But let's talk about whatself-love is and let's just go
(01:32):
ahead and rip off the band-aid.
Self-love is not a vibe, honestto God, it is a practice.
It's not about being positiveall the time and it's not about
always being comfortable.
It's about being honest.
Ok, if your self-love is onlyshowing up when you're posting
selfies, that is not self-love,that is branding.
If you're calling it air quotes, boundaries, but you're still
(01:57):
answering calls from people whodrain you, then you're lying to
yourself.
And if you're saying I deservebetter, but still settling, then
you don't believe in yourselfyet.
So self-love isn't aboutprotecting your peace, it's
about earning it.
Okay, let's talk about somereal stuff.
Like I don't know whatself-love is.
(02:22):
First up, we've got radicalhonesty.
I cannot express to you howimportant it is that you stop
lying to yourself.
You got to stop lying aboutyour habits, stop lying about
your relationships, stop lyingabout your choices, and you've
got to stop blaming your past,your ex, your job, whatever it
is that is coming in in intoyour forefront of your mind as
(02:45):
to being the excuse as to whyyou are stuck and not loving
yourself fully.
You've got to set, take a stepback and just look into like,
look in the mirror, right, likewe can't keep falling back on
old excuses.
So self-love really is likesaying I see what's broken and
I'm not scared to rebuild, whichcan be really scary.
(03:06):
Right, it's scary to be scared,it's scary to have to start
over.
It's scary to look in themirror and say, oh actually, so
yeah, kind of, I kind of got totake responsibility for this.
It's not easy, it's not, youknow, always comfortable, but
it's necessary.
So, outside of radical honesty,you've got keeping your own word
(03:29):
.
So, for instance, if you sayyou're going to go to the gym,
then go.
If you say you're going to stoptexting somebody because
they're no good for you, they'retoxic, they hurt your heart,
you can't be yourself aroundthem or they bring you down,
your vibration is so low Sayyou're going to stop texting
them, then stop.
(03:49):
You've got to keep your ownword, because if you don't have
your word, what do you have?
If you don't trust you, nobodyelse will.
It goes back to keeping yourown word.
If you can't keep your own word, why should anyone else hold
you to your word?
Why should they put you up on apedestal?
Why should they trust you?
Because you don't trust you.
(04:10):
You won't even keep the word toyourself.
You don't keep your ownpromises.
Number three walking away.
You've got to know when to walkaway.
You got to be able to walk awayeven when it's hard, even when
you love them, because lovedoesn't always mean staying, but
love means choosing you right.
And then number four creatingsafety within.
(04:31):
This is something I'vestruggled with for a long time.
No one else should have to makeyou feel valid, worthy or
lovable and we do this withpeople, we do this with
resources, we do this withactivities.
We do this with going places,with spending money, with words
of affirmation, right, withmindless scrolling activities,
stuff like that.
(04:51):
But you've got to be able tocreate safety within, meaning
that you know you're valid, youknow you're worthy, you know
you're lovable.
You don't need outside orexternal resources to tell you
that you build that shit.
You build safety inside first,every day, but we tend to go
(05:11):
outside ourselves to find allthat.
So this is shit that I wish Iwould have known a long time ago
.
Let's do like a little self-loveaudit and I want you to ask
yourself these questions.
Let's start with number one.
Where am I abandoning myselffor comfort or approval?
Might be a good opportunity foryou to write this stuff down.
You could say it out loud, youcould say it in your head.
But where am I abandoningmyself for comfort or approval?
(05:36):
Where are you dimming yourshine?
Where are you not using yourvoice?
Where are you just kind oftaking the back burner in life?
Number two what boundary do Ikeep breaking with myself?
For me, it can be food man.
I, I'm not gonna eat thatcookie.
I'm gonna eat eight of them.
(06:00):
It's a boundary.
It's a boundary that I cross.
I gotta, I gotta keep my wordto myself, right.
But what are some boundariesmaybe in relationships and
friendships and co-workingrelationships that you keep
saying you're going to keep?
You know, maybe I'm not goingto text him because we broke up,
(06:20):
but you text him when you'relonely.
What lie?
This is number three.
What lie am I tired of tellingabout who I am or what I want?
That's really deep.
I would love to hear what comesout whenever you ask yourself
these questions.
You can write me in the DMs atJacqueline Cotton.
(06:42):
You can write us on the show'saccount at Just Women Talking
Shit Both of these are onInstagram.
Or you can even send us anemail at jwtspodcast at gmailcom
.
You can even send us a voicemessage when you go to our
podcast website, if you go tojustwomantalkingshitcom, you now
(07:04):
have the option to send voicememos, or you can record a voice
through Instagram or email aswell.
Number four where am Ioutsourcing my peace?
Oh, where am I outsourcing mypeace?
And the number five if I actedlike I was already enough, what
(07:26):
would I stop doing today?
I love that one so much.
Where are you over giving?
Where are you seeking approval?
Where are you feeling likeyou're not enough?
And if you were enough, wouldyou send that text message?
Would you keep going to thatjob?
Would you keep whatever,whatever, whatever.
(07:49):
I would quit worrying aboutmoney, I would quit trying to
chase it so much, which I coulddo that at any time, right?
So, basically, awareness is thestarting line.
It's not the finish.
Let's talk about self-love inreal life.
Five practical habits One stopnegotiating with chaos.
(08:13):
Two, make a dailynon-negotiable list.
Three, speak to yourself likesomeone you deeply respect.
Four do something inconvenientthat honors your future self.
And then five track what youactually want versus what you
tolerate.
So let's start with number onenegotiating with chaos.
You don't owe anyone access toyour nervous system.
(08:36):
If it costs your inner peace,it's like it's way too expensive
, right?
Number two make a daily,non-negotiable list.
You can pick literally just onehabit, one boundary or one
promise.
Keep it simple, but just keepit.
I think that's what's importanthere.
(08:57):
Start showing up for yourselflike you do for everybody else.
That is true self-love.
When you start showing up foryourself like you do for
everybody else, that is trueself-love.
When you start showing up foryourself like you do for
everyone else around you.
Number three speak to yourselflike someone you deeply respect.
This one was really hard for mebecause I'd catch myself going
you know, I'm so stupid, I can'tdo this.
(09:19):
I'm always messing it up.
I can't do this, I'm alwaysmessing it up.
But the reality was what, like?
Who, who, who told me that?
Who made me believe that?
So replace it with you knowtruth, and maybe not fluff, but
truth like okay, instead of I'mstupid, I'm learning.
(09:42):
Instead of I can't do this, I'mtrying.
Instead of I always mess it up,I'm still in this.
So it's not necessarily aboutyou know, trying to be toxic,
positive with yourself, but justbeing honest, saying okay, no,
like I'm not stupid, I'mactually I'm learning.
Yeah, that makes sense.
It's not that I can't do this.
I'm trying, I'm still learningRight.
(10:04):
Number four do somethinginconvenient that honors your
future self.
This could be something assimple as waking up earlier,
moving your body or eatingsomething that's super good and
nourishing, instead of makingpoorer choices that are not
going to support your futureself.
Self-love is built indiscomfort.
(10:24):
It is not built in dopamine.
And then, number five trackwhat you actually want versus
what you tolerate.
Do your actions match yourvalues Really?
Stop and think about it.
Do your habits support yourvision?
Do you feel proud of how youtreat yourself?
(10:44):
And here's the hardest pill toswallow If you don't love
yourself, it's your job tochange it.
Because here's the thingnobody's coming to save you.
Self-love is not just soft, it'sfierce, okay.
It's not all about the bubblebaths and the getting your toes
(11:06):
done and the massages, and no,it's about choosing yourself
over and over again until itbecomes second nature.
It's saying this isn't workingand I'm brave enough to fucking
do something about it, right?
So here's your new self-lovemantra.
(11:27):
Babes, Are you ready for it?
Are you ready for it?
Okay, you ready for it?
All right, here it is you ready?
I am no longer abandoningmyself just to make other people
comfortable.
I trust myself to keep my word.
I will stop shrinking intosmaller spaces that I've
(11:47):
outgrown.
Say that shit like you.
Mean it every single day.
Ladies and gentlemen, you're listening to Just Women
Talking Shit with your host,jacqueline Cotton.
Welcome back to Just WomenTalking Shit.
Today we're going to go overthe no bullshit guide to
(00:27):
self-love your blunt, practicaland radically honest look at
what it really takes to loveyourself.
So if you're new here, welcome,welcome, welcome.
You should just go ahead andknow that on Just Women Talking
Shit, the sugarcoating gets leftat the door.
And today's episode, a nobullshit guide to self-love.
It's not the pinterest boardversion, okay, it's not the just
(00:51):
take a bath and light a candleversion.
I'm talking radicalself-respect, emotional honesty
and actions that build real assconfidence.
This is self-love with grit,with edge, with guts.
So if you're tired of feelinglike you're performing for the
world while abandoning yourselfbehind the scenes, this is your
episode.
(01:11):
Let's talk about what self-loveisn't and take a moment to send
this episode to somebody thatis near and dear to you or just
comes to mind, because that'sgoing to let them know that you
care about them and that youwant them to love themselves
more.
This would be a good time tosend it to that person you care
about.
But let's talk about whatself-love is and let's just go
(01:32):
ahead and rip off the band-aid.
Self-love is not a vibe, honestto God, it is a practice.
It's not about being positiveall the time and it's not about
always being comfortable.
It's about being honest.
Ok, if your self-love is onlyshowing up when you're posting
selfies, that is not self-love,that is branding.
If you're calling it air quotes, boundaries, but you're still
(01:57):
answering calls from people whodrain you, then you're lying to
yourself.
And if you're saying I deservebetter, but still settling, then
you don't believe in yourselfyet.
So self-love isn't aboutprotecting your peace, it's
about earning it.
Okay, let's talk about somereal stuff.
Like I don't know whatself-love is.
(02:22):
First up, we've got radicalhonesty.
I cannot express to you howimportant it is that you stop
lying to yourself.
You got to stop lying aboutyour habits, stop lying about
your relationships, stop lyingabout your choices, and you've
got to stop blaming your past,your ex, your job, whatever it
is that is coming in in intoyour forefront of your mind as
(02:45):
to being the excuse as to whyyou are stuck and not loving
yourself fully.
You've got to set, take a stepback and just look into like,
look in the mirror, right, likewe can't keep falling back on
old excuses.
So self-love really is likesaying I see what's broken and
I'm not scared to rebuild, whichcan be really scary.
(03:06):
Right, it's scary to be scared,it's scary to have to start
over.
It's scary to look in themirror and say, oh actually, so
yeah, kind of, I kind of got totake responsibility for this.
It's not easy, it's not, youknow, always comfortable, but
it's necessary.
So, outside of radical honesty,you've got keeping your own word
(03:29):
.
So, for instance, if you sayyou're going to go to the gym,
then go.
If you say you're going to stoptexting somebody because
they're no good for you, they'retoxic, they hurt your heart,
you can't be yourself aroundthem or they bring you down,
your vibration is so low Sayyou're going to stop texting
them, then stop.
(03:49):
You've got to keep your ownword, because if you don't have
your word, what do you have?
If you don't trust you, nobodyelse will.
It goes back to keeping yourown word.
If you can't keep your own word, why should anyone else hold
you to your word?
Why should they put you up on apedestal?
Why should they trust you?
Because you don't trust you.
(04:10):
You won't even keep the word toyourself.
You don't keep your ownpromises.
Number three walking away.
You've got to know when to walkaway.
You got to be able to walk awayeven when it's hard, even when
you love them, because lovedoesn't always mean staying, but
love means choosing you right.
And then number four creatingsafety within.
(04:31):
This is something I'vestruggled with for a long time.
No one else should have to makeyou feel valid, worthy or
lovable and we do this withpeople, we do this with
resources, we do this withactivities.
We do this with going places,with spending money, with words
of affirmation, right, withmindless scrolling activities,
stuff like that.
(04:51):
But you've got to be able tocreate safety within, meaning
that you know you're valid, youknow you're worthy, you know
you're lovable.
You don't need outside orexternal resources to tell you
that you build that shit.
You build safety inside first,every day, but we tend to go
(05:11):
outside ourselves to find allthat.
So this is shit that I wish Iwould have known a long time ago
.
Let's do like a little self-loveaudit and I want you to ask
yourself these questions.
Let's start with number one.
Where am I abandoning myselffor comfort or approval?
Might be a good opportunity foryou to write this stuff down.
You could say it out loud, youcould say it in your head.
But where am I abandoningmyself for comfort or approval?
(05:36):
Where are you dimming yourshine?
Where are you not using yourvoice?
Where are you just kind oftaking the back burner in life?
Number two what boundary do Ikeep breaking with myself?
For me, it can be food man.
I, I'm not gonna eat thatcookie.
I'm gonna eat eight of them.
(06:00):
It's a boundary.
It's a boundary that I cross.
I gotta, I gotta keep my wordto myself, right.
But what are some boundariesmaybe in relationships and
friendships and co-workingrelationships that you keep
saying you're going to keep?
You know, maybe I'm not goingto text him because we broke up,
(06:20):
but you text him when you'relonely.
What lie?
This is number three.
What lie am I tired of tellingabout who I am or what I want?
That's really deep.
I would love to hear what comesout whenever you ask yourself
these questions.
You can write me in the DMs atJacqueline Cotton.
(06:42):
You can write us on the show'saccount at Just Women Talking
Shit Both of these are onInstagram.
Or you can even send us anemail at jwtspodcast at gmailcom
.
You can even send us a voicemessage when you go to our
podcast website, if you go tojustwomantalkingshitcom, you now
(07:04):
have the option to send voicememos, or you can record a voice
through Instagram or email aswell.
Number four where am Ioutsourcing my peace?
Oh, where am I outsourcing mypeace?
And the number five if I actedlike I was already enough, what
(07:26):
would I stop doing today?
I love that one so much.
Where are you over giving?
Where are you seeking approval?
Where are you feeling likeyou're not enough?
And if you were enough, wouldyou send that text message?
Would you keep going to thatjob?
Would you keep whatever,whatever, whatever.
(07:49):
I would quit worrying aboutmoney, I would quit trying to
chase it so much, which I coulddo that at any time, right?
So, basically, awareness is thestarting line.
It's not the finish.
Let's talk about self-love inreal life.
Five practical habits One stopnegotiating with chaos.
(08:13):
Two, make a dailynon-negotiable list.
Three, speak to yourself likesomeone you deeply respect.
Four do something inconvenientthat honors your future self.
And then five track what youactually want versus what you
tolerate.
So let's start with number onenegotiating with chaos.
You don't owe anyone access toyour nervous system.
(08:36):
If it costs your inner peace,it's like it's way too expensive
, right?
Number two make a daily,non-negotiable list.
You can pick literally just onehabit, one boundary or one
promise.
Keep it simple, but just keepit.
I think that's what's importanthere.
(08:57):
Start showing up for yourselflike you do for everybody else.
That is true self-love.
When you start showing up foryourself like you do for
everybody else, that is trueself-love.
When you start showing up foryourself like you do for
everyone else around you.
Number three speak to yourselflike someone you deeply respect.
This one was really hard for mebecause I'd catch myself going
you know, I'm so stupid, I can'tdo this.
(09:19):
I'm always messing it up.
I can't do this, I'm alwaysmessing it up.
But the reality was what, like?
Who, who, who told me that?
Who made me believe that?
So replace it with you knowtruth, and maybe not fluff, but
truth like okay, instead of I'mstupid, I'm learning.
(09:42):
Instead of I can't do this, I'mtrying.
Instead of I always mess it up,I'm still in this.
So it's not necessarily aboutyou know, trying to be toxic,
positive with yourself, but justbeing honest, saying okay, no,
like I'm not stupid, I'mactually I'm learning.
Yeah, that makes sense.
It's not that I can't do this.
I'm trying, I'm still learningRight.
(10:04):
Number four do somethinginconvenient that honors your
future self.
This could be something assimple as waking up earlier,
moving your body or eatingsomething that's super good and
nourishing, instead of makingpoorer choices that are not
going to support your futureself.
Self-love is built indiscomfort.
(10:24):
It is not built in dopamine.
And then, number five trackwhat you actually want versus
what you tolerate.
Do your actions match yourvalues Really?
Stop and think about it.
Do your habits support yourvision?
Do you feel proud of how youtreat yourself?
(10:44):
And here's the hardest pill toswallow If you don't love
yourself, it's your job tochange it.
Because here's the thingnobody's coming to save you.
Self-love is not just soft, it'sfierce, okay.
It's not all about the bubblebaths and the getting your toes
(11:06):
done and the massages, and no,it's about choosing yourself
over and over again until itbecomes second nature.
It's saying this isn't workingand I'm brave enough to fucking
do something about it, right?
So here's your new self-lovemantra.
(11:27):
Babes, Are you ready for it?
Are you ready for it?
Okay, you ready for it?
All right, here it is you ready?
I am no longer abandoningmyself just to make other people
comfortable.
I trust myself to keep my word.
I will stop shrinking intosmaller spaces that I've
(11:47):
outgrown.
Say that shit like you.
Mean it every single day.
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