What if divorce could be positive? What if unconventional choices could save your family? Allie Casazza shatters expectations in this raw, emotional conversation that will leave you questioning everything you thought you knew about relationships.
Allie opens up about how she went from a religious upbringing and young marriage at 20 to building a thriving online empire that began with simple decluttering tips on a mommy blog. Her viral success in 2016 launched her into the spotlight, but it's her approach to personal evolution that truly captivates. Now certified in neurolinguistic programming, emotional freedom technique, and hypnotherapy, she helps women break free from subconscious limitations.
The heart of this episode explores Allie's revolutionary approach to divorce and co-parenting. She and her ex-husband maintain a beautiful relationship where he still works in her business, makes dinner for the family, and gives her pep talks when needed. Their story challenges the belief that divorce must be contentious, revealing how two people can "graduate" to a different version of partnership that serves them better.
This conversation goes deep into the struggles of blended families, the importance of prioritizing children's mental health, and the courage to make unconventional choices when traditional paths aren't working. Allie shares how turning 35 marked her transformation into becoming "unfuckwithable" – finally embracing her authentic self after years of hiding books from visiting parents and maintaining a vanilla persona to please others.
Whether you're questioning your relationship, navigating co-parenting, or simply trying to live more authentically, Allie's wisdom offers a refreshing perspective: "You get to decide. You get to write your own story." Her parting advice? The relationships most showcased on social media are often the emptiest – true connection thrives in privacy and genuine care.
Visit www.AllieCasazza.com to discover how you can make your life lighter in every way or connect with her on Instagram @allie_thatsme.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
We never had to have a discussion of if this was
going to be okay or not, even inour decision to get a divorce.
I remember exactly where wewere sitting on the porch at an
Airbnb in our favorite city,carlsbad, california, and I just
looked at him and I was like Ireally feel like it's time, I
really feel like it's time toshift.
And he was like, I know, andthat was it.
(00:23):
We talked about it, we cried,we, I know, and that was it.
We talked about it there, wecried, we hugged and then I went
on my book tour.
Ladies and gentlemen, ladiesand gentlemen, you're listening
to just women talking shit withyour host, Jacqueline.
Cotton.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Jacqueline Cotton.
How are you doing?
Speaker 1 (00:53):
today I'm doing good, I'm so ready.
I have like fun plans thisweekend and it's been one of
those weeks where it's likenonstop like back to back to
back everything, and I'm soready to just unplug after today
and have a good time.
But I haven't done any likepress at all and so seeing this
(01:14):
on my calendar at the beginningof the week, I was like, okay,
I'm so looking forward to that.
I love this stuff.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Oh, good, good, good, good.
You just made me think about apiece of content that I saw from
you and I was going through theother day, because I'm that
person.
I'm like save, save, save Everytime I have some gold.
And I remember a reel that youposted and first off it tickled
me paint, because I'm like Ilove how bossy she is.
But it was that reel where youwere like okay, I've got your
(01:43):
whole weekend plans laid out.
And you went through and you'relike this is what you're going
to do on Friday, this is whatyou're going to do on Saturday,
and by Sunday it was like you'regoing to have oil in your hair
and you're going to go shopping.
And I was like this bitch is agenius.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
It's a good weekend.
I like take my weekends veryseriously.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
I love it.
But, allie, first off, thankyou so much for being here.
You, you were one of thosepeople that were on my list.
Like I had a spreadsheet andwhenever my business coach she
earlier this year it was likeSeptember, I think she's like
okay, jacqueline, you keepsaying you're gonna, you're,
we're like 2025 is like your bigyear.
(02:20):
So like what are you fuckingdoing about that?
So she made me get organizedand I put this whole spreadsheet
together and she's like therehas to be purpose in each
podcast episode and like we needto find people that are online,
that like they have this, likeexpertise and dah, dah, dah
Anyway.
So one of the people I wantedto speak to was like a really
what I feel like powerful lifecoach or someone in that realm,
(02:45):
anyways.
So I was nerding out and I waslooking at hashtags and I'm like
chat, gpt, what do I look up tofind the perfect da, da, da da.
Anyway.
And I stumbled upon you and Iremember being so nervous I was
like okay, Allie.
I didn't know how to pitch toyou or anything.
And then you, you like dayslater wrote me back I think I
(03:06):
probably got buried, and youwere like, okay, Allie, I didn't
know how to pitch to you oranything.
And then you like days laterwrote me back I think I probably
got buried, and you were likewhat?
Yeah, what does that entail?
And you were so nice about itand it was just one of those
moments where I was like Itotally got my head about that.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
I know we do that and it's so, it's so silly because,
like, we're all just women likebehind the account, just trying
to get our voice out there andhelp people or sell our product
or whatever it is.
So I do the same thing, though,and then every time I meet
someone that I thought like ohmy gosh, I could never, it's
(03:36):
always like the realest exchangeand just so relaxed and ends up
being a friend.
So I always hope that that'sthe experience that I leave
people with.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Oh for sure Already, I'm like well, I'm not, ever
since you responded, especially,I'm like I'm geeking out over
here, and then you, youdisappeared on us for a minute,
which is oh, yeah, so like twomonths away from awesome.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Yeah, I do that a lot .
Speaker 2 (04:01):
Good yeah, good yeah, I do that a lot.
Good yeah, good.
But it's just I just wanted toput that out there because I
know I get like I'm like whensomebody comes to me and they're
like oh, I've been followingyou or you really inspire me, or
it always takes me back and I'mlike I'm so freaking glad you
told me, because I'm over herein $2 socks Right, Just trying
(04:26):
to.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
I feel like, especially lately in my business
I've just been like behind mydesk, like doing so much behind
the scenes work.
So when someone sends me a nicemessage or says like they watch
something, I'm like, oh yeah,there's stuff going out of the
front too.
Thank you for watching, Thankyou for telling me.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
Yeah, oh, that's great, okay, well, my interviews
are super informal.
Okay, it's already started, incase you don't know.
I do this Like I just hit recordand then I'm just like we can
cut out whatever, but like Ijust want the authentic like
hello instead of the like wantthe authentic, like hello
(05:10):
instead of the like, and nowwe're starting hallelujah, and
for me it's awkward because Ilike I have a bunch of social
anxiety and so I'm like me beinghere is a thing to begin with,
but then you add structure to it, like too much structure, and
it's just like.
That's not me at all at all.
So I didn't know.
You do.
I love that so much.
Some people, though, do you getthis a lot with your podcast,
like.
So the intake form for me youdidn't do one, but I usually
(05:33):
have an intake form for people Idon't like, I haven't been
following and I don't know well,I don't know their integrity
and all that, but, like theintake form is it?
It's like who are you, what doyou do?
What would you talk about?
And pop me your links andeverybody's always so
dumbfounded They'll write me andI'm talking about like I've
(05:54):
gotten some.
I've got some really goodinterviews coming up with some I
would consider like in my worldfamous people, and they're all
just like okay, so will youplease send us the topics and
everything to prepare and da, da, da, da and the list of
questions, and I'm like we don'tdo that.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
here, I literally say that.
I say I don't do that.
I think that the reason that myshow does well is because I
don't do that.
So, like in the in the CEO clubwith the girls that have
podcasts, that's what I teachthem.
Like, don't do that, don'tsuccumb to this.
Like, especially once you getbig, don't give in and feel like
(06:28):
you have to be super organizedand do all.
Like, the intuitive flow of afemale host of a podcast is the
magic, and you lose that whenyou.
So if they need to be thatprepared, they're probably not
very good at their craft.
So if they need to be thatprepared, they're probably not
very good at their craft.
So I would maybe not have themon anymore.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
I like got full body chills and you said that like
the intuitive flow is like wherethe magic is, and I think that
too, I always like I want to belike Ricky Lake when I grow up
is what I've always said she'sso amazing, so amazing.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
And I don't even know what she's up to these days,
but yeah, me neither.
But she's done some amazingthings.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
I just remember her energy, though, like on the show
, and you could tell that shewas just so like.
I mean, of course, they'retelling her some of the things
to do, but it was always justfelt so genuine and like when
she was taken back.
She was taken back and I justthink, I think about her in what
was that movie?
Cry Baby?
Did you ever see that?
I don't think so.
She's in Cry Baby and she isfucking hilarious.
(07:32):
She's like like barefootpregnant and just oh my God, and
it's a Johnny Depp movie.
It's whack, it's weird.
It's great, though.
I hope you go watch it, butyou'll love it, I think.
Okay, well, now that we got allof our all my score, our ADHD.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
I mean, that's also what I think makes good episodes
.
So.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
Right, you kind of bounce and it doesn't get boring
by any means.
Yeah, but okay, for all my justwomen talking shit, people
listening will you pleaseintroduce your amazing self?
I know who you are, I'mobsessed with you, but they
don't know you yet.
So can you introduce yourselfand you know?
My main question is like whatare you doing in the world to
(08:19):
make it a better place?
And you've got a huge brand andI'm just going to kind of let
you toot your own horn, becausethey need to know.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
Thank you, yeah.
Well, I'm Allie.
I've been in the onlinebusiness space for I mean
officially a business likealmost a decade, but before that
, for years I was kind of like amommy blogger like way back in
the day when that was new, and Ireally just mental health is a
really big thing for me and myfamily and I know so much more
(08:56):
now.
But, like, looking back, butwhen I was in those earlier
years when my kids were superlittle and I was blogging, you
know, really just for me, forfun, and I had a very little
small but very loyal following,I was just really struggling.
Motherhood is something that Ididn't really think about much
as like a kid.
(09:16):
I didn't really like, oh yeah,I'm definitely going to do that.
In fact, there were times whereI was like probably not, and I
was told that I was infertilebecause I have a hormone
disorder and I was just kind oflike, ok, whatever, super not
had four kids in five years.
Like, ok, here we go.
And so I just kind of fell assbackwards into motherhood and I
(09:41):
was very young, like Brian, andI got married.
We're not married anymore andwe can talk about that too,
because I love talking aboutpositive divorce like so much.
But we got married when we werelike barely 20 and had our
daughter when we were 21, andthen just kids, kids, kids.
So it was I was drowning and itjust wasn't positive.
(10:01):
I was waking up every day likewith dread.
And it wasn't about the kids,which is good, it was about the
maintenance of this life that Ifelt like I was not present for
and not living.
So I started I'm just kind of,I don't know.
I guess I'm a doer, like I'mgoing to figure things out and
things need to feel good,otherwise I don't see what the
(10:23):
point is of doing it at all.
I'm a Taurus, so we're aboutlike that pleasure, that luxury,
okay, but I'm like I didn'tknow any of that.
I'm just like this broke assmom of at that time it was like
three babies and trying tofigure it out.
And so I had this moment that Italk about a lot, where I was
(10:44):
having a really, really bad dayand I was sitting on the ground
in my bathroom like crying andjust had this like come to Jesus
moment where it was likeliterally all I'm doing is
picking up and maintaining shitwe don't even need.
I'm done.
Who says that I have to haveall this stuff?
So minimalism wasn't a thing.
It wasn't a trend.
There was.
I didn't even know what it wascalled.
(11:06):
There was no Marie Kondo.
There was none of that.
I just started decluttering andsharing about it on my blog and
how much more time it wasgiving me and how it helped me.
That long story short justcatapulted me into this world of
simplicity for mothers, thisworld of simplicity for mothers.
(11:29):
I ended up getting asked tocreate something that they could
buy, where all of the stepswere organized and courses
weren't really a thing.
Yet If they were, they weren'tvery well known.
So I did an e-book and itturned into nothing Like.
I didn't even make enough moneyto like buy myself ice cream
after.
And then I found this woman.
Her name was Mariah Cause.
(11:50):
I don't know what she's doingin the world these days, but she
was like a pioneer of coursecreation and I was like this is
it?
There's something here I'mgoing to do this.
Created a course, launched itworked my butt off, made more
money than my husband at thetime could have made in a month,
in like a day, and I ended uplike studying virality and
(12:12):
writing this viral postintentionally writing a viral
post in 2016.
It took off.
It was trending over the firstHillary Trump debate in 2016.
It launched my career likefast-tracked it and then I
stayed in that space for a while, but it led me very much into
like psychology and how thesubconscious mind works and why
(12:35):
people can't let go of things,why we allow ourselves to have
such messy, shitty homes and Ican walk into your home and
within 30 seconds, see what youthink about yourself, and that
fascinates me.
So I went super deep into likeprogramming of the mind,
worthiness issues, studying howour physical environment affects
(12:58):
us as women, and then today Imean shit, I'm certified
neurolinguistic programmingpractitioner, neuroenergetic
encoding, emotional freedomtechnique, hypnotherapist, like
all these things, because Ican't stop being fascinated by
how our minds are literallycreating everything.
And manifestation is not magic,it's literal fact and science
(13:21):
and you can use your brain tocreate whatever the fuck you
want, however the fuck fast youwant to, and I use that
information to help women maketheir lives lighter in every way
.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
I had to mute myself because I'm over here, like yes,
you hear those.
You know, like when I'm downSouth I don't attend church
anymore, but I just remember itin church it's like, hey, man,
you tell us yes, yes, that wasme over here like yes, but man,
(13:54):
so that's also fascinating.
I didn't know, like how you gotup into this point.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Is that declutter like a mother by the way, we
still yeah, we still do thatevery year.
We're on our last day right now, so right after this I'm going
to do day five, yeah that is socool.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
So that's I'm obsessed with that because
that's something that allows youto like what I call get paid to
exist.
You created it and you can justkeep launching it and you can
keep like and it and you love it.
Seems like you love it, I it.
And you can keep like and itand you love it.
It seems like you love it.
I love that.
You love what you do.
Like it's pretty obvious thatyou love your community, the
people you serve, and you.
(14:34):
You touch base on positivedivorce.
I want to talk about that, yeah, but um, it's just hearing all
of that.
Things are starting to, in mybrain, make sense, like the
content.
I've seen your stories.
I'm just getting a better ideaof, like I guess your timeline
and you said that you and yourhusband y'all got married.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
Pretty what did you say young, Super young, Like?
We met.
We met in math class in juniorhigh.
Oh shit, and we went, yeah, sowe were kind of in the same
friend circle and we didn't gettogether until senior year but
we were married like two yearsafter that.
We were married so young.
We were both raised at the sameschool a very, very
(15:18):
oppressively religious schooland then our parents are.
We we're definitely like.
We were definitely both raisedsuper religious, very like
evangelical Christian, just veryoppressive of women
specifically, which was reallyhard for me with who I am now.
It took me a long time to gethere.
(15:39):
I would have gotten here somuch sooner if I thought I was
allowed.
Oh, holy shit.
Yeah, there's a lot wrappedinto that.
My husband, Brian, never, everfor even a moment, put any of
that bullshit on me.
In fact, I always say he was afeminist before I was and he was
(16:01):
always calling me up andcalling me out on my shit and
encouraging me that there wasideas here, there was something
here, Um and so when we were,when we and I was winning my
business and we were married,during that time we very much
had opposite of traditionalgender roles I was the
breadwinner.
He still works with my company.
We work together almost everyday.
He's my editor, my producer.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Yeah, so are you.
So you guys got divorced Areyou?
Did you remarry or are you?
Speaker 1 (16:28):
I'm going to Actually , I've never said this out loud,
but I'm yeah, we're about toelope, shut up.
Yeah, oh, fucking cool Womentalking shit exclusive.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
Oh my God, we heard it first, y'all, I'm like so
excited, oh my God, congrats.
So that's, that's something Iwanted to ask you about, because
there was a day don't know ifhe's listening but I didn't know
that, I didn't know that youwere, that you are in a
committed relationship.
I haven't dug that deep.
You're in a committedrelationship.
You have your ex-husband.
(17:03):
You mentioned positive divorce.
I've seen content where, like Ithink you rolled your ankle or
something and yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
And I remember laying in bed.
This was before, like, Istarted really taking care of
myself, but my mentality was isthat like, I've got to start
setting this example of how Iexpect people to take care of me
?
And I think it was right around.
Then I saw that real and I makeit emotional about this because
(17:32):
my daughter's dad died in 2020.
And it totally, it totallycould have been prevented.
And so there's this justongoing like internal battle of
did I do enough?
Did it like?
You know what I mean.
So I forever will have thisguilt of did I do enough?
And like in my currentrelationship with my husband,
(17:55):
there is just this like ifbecause we're a blended family
and you know blended familiesare really hard, yes, um, and I
remember like in those momentsit's just there's this question
of is this all going to work outlike is ever?
Is everybody happy?
Um, is our love going to beenough for our children, who
(18:16):
don't appear to be completelyhappy?
You know, like.
And so I remember laying thereand it was just one of those
things.
And then I saw your reel ofyour ex-husband coming and
helping you and I, I likegiggled and I kind of got giddy
out loud and I looked at myhusband and I kind of looked
back over and I just thought tomyself, like is that really
(18:36):
possible?
Like, do people, are peoplethat cordial?
Are they that self selfless?
Are they that able to like,remove themselves and actually
work together and still care foreach other and it not be, like
you know, because before he diedI know his ex-wife or his they
didn't get divorced, they werein the middle of a divorce but
like she was very jealous of meand I get it, I get it.
(18:58):
I mean it's that's a hardsituation to be in, but we
didn't learn healthyco-parenting.
We knew nothing.
Yeah, right, and I justremember her getting really
upset and it was never me tryingto disrespect her, but it's
like, yeah, before he died, thatwas her dad.
He should be bringing herthings when she's sick, right,
like my soon-to.
I don't.
I didn't feel that was his role.
Go out of your way, leave work,come, bring my daughter who we
(19:21):
just started dating.
You know, like he and I juststarted dating, like it wasn't
his position.
So I'm really curious,especially knowing that you're
in a healthy, committedrelationship now and about to
elope.
Oh my God, how does any of thateven fucking work, like because
when I, when I showed it to himand I was like man, did you
(19:42):
know?
I literally was like did youknow that people like can
hopefully co-parent and like thedad can come over and hang out
and and they can be friends?
And he was like, yeah, she, heliterally because he knows
nothing about you, it's nothingagainst you, but anybody.
But he was like whoever that isthat you and your ex-husband,
(20:04):
he said they must not be datinganybody yet.
Then, oh no, no, we both havejust like.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
I just remember immediately going wow, that's
what you took away from that soyeah, and that's and that's so
and, unfortunately, like it'sjust so typical of to think that
way, because this is nottypical and what is typical is
like angst and tension andresentment and all of these
(20:30):
things and, of course, likewe've had resentment and we've
had hard conversations and we'vehad like, but we work through
it.
I don't like I don't understandthat you can make a life with
somebody and have babies withsomebody and then not continue
to do the work.
Brian and I view it this wayand we've talked about this on
(20:53):
my podcast, but it's like wedidn't stop being partners.
We graduated to a version of itthat fits for us better and I
truly, truly, from the bottom ofmy heart, thought that I would
just be by myself forever and I,low key, was excited Like I had
(21:18):
.
No, I never thought, oh, I wantto go find my like Brian.
I gave him, like my heart, mylife, like he was my person and
in many ways, he still is.
It's just shifted.
So meeting Sean was a shock.
It was a shock to me, it was ashock to Brian.
(21:39):
We've talked about this, butI'm happy to expand and I think
I mean I want to do an episodewith the three of us, because I
feel like people just thinkwe're there's like rumors online
that we're like a throuple andlike that we're lying, or like
I'm holding the kids away fromBrian, like if you don't act,
like if it was that serious,like I never even had to tell
(22:02):
anyone that we got divorcedbecause no one would know,
because he's still in all mycontact, he's over here
co-working with me multiple daysa week, Like so yeah it the
video you're talking about.
To go back to that, sean wasnot in the state and I rolled my
ankle so bad and I got glass inmy foot at the same time, so he
(22:24):
came over to get the glass outto help me.
To all of it, yeah, and it'slike, of course, like he was
sick a couple of weeks ago,really sick, and I was like,
okay, let me send you.
I didn't want to get sick, I'mnot stupid, but let me send you
soup, let me send you, like, letme sure you're good.
So I mean, it's still.
I had a really bad day the otherday and I was crying, I was
(22:46):
very disappointed in myself.
I had a big business goal and Idid not even make 10% of it and
I was so upset and I get sohard on myself.
And he came over.
He made steak and made food foreveryone in my house because
the kids are with me full time.
He's like working on rebuildinghis own stuff and they need to
(23:08):
be here with me.
So he comes over a lot so thatthey can be around him and we
all hang out together, whatever.
And he made dinner and he gaveme a pep talk, gave me a hug,
was like you're going to fixthis, this is what you do, but
today you need to just rest andeat steak.
So like we're still partners,we're still everything, and I
don't understand the other way.
I don't understand how somebodycould come into someone's life
(23:30):
and then be upset that they havea good relationship with the
mother of their children, thefather of their children.
I'm surrounded by scenarioslike that with friends and I.
It breaks my heart.
I don't understand.
We never had to have adiscussion of if this was going
to be okay or not, even in ourdecision to get a divorce.
I remember exactly where wewere sitting on the porch at an
(23:52):
Airbnb in our favorite city,carlsbad, california, and I just
looked at him and I was like Ireally feel like it's time.
I really feel like it's time toshift.
And he was like I know, andthat was it.
We talked about it, there were,we cried, we hugged, and then I
went on my book tour and thatwas, and then I came back and we
(24:14):
worked out the details Like itwas never normal.
But you get to decide that andhe was on board with that
decision and that's what thedifference is.
You have to have both.
So I don't understand when oneperson is like I'm just
committed to this, beingmiserable, and I'm going to be
super immature and make surethat you know how angry I am and
(24:35):
put that above the kids seeingeveryone being together.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
Dude, I'm like really fucking emotional over here
because I mean it's just, firstmarriage is hard and then you
combine two different familiesand like my situation is a
little it's my situation withwith her dad dying, um, and
there we were, in the middle ofour second custody battle.
There was a lot of turmoil, alot of trauma, a lot of just
(25:02):
shit, you know, going on.
And and when I married into myhusband's family, I was just
like, fine, like I'm gonna get afamily.
You know, and I don't have thegreatest relationship with my
family.
I come from a lot of traumas.
I'm like, yeah, I'm getting afamily and I squeezed a baby out
of him.
You know, he told me I wasn'tgetting one and managed to get
one out of him, but you knowhe's got three boys.
(25:23):
I've got my girl and then wehad our baby together and I'm
just, it's like I'm, I guesswhen I'm I'm gonna come back to
your story in a second, but I'mcurious for my own personal
benefit.
You said you there was, like itwas uh, just you guys knew.
And like my husband and I havehad these discussions Like I had
(25:44):
one this past week and they'rehard discussions but like my
daughter is sufferingtremendously with her mental
health.
She does not get along with herbrother.
She's not doing well at school.
I'm considering taking her outof school, homeschooling her,
because I mean, her dad, low-keydied from an overdose.
Nobody wants to even fuckingtalk about that, and I've been
pumping my kid full ofantidepressants and ADHD
(26:05):
medicine and she weaned herselfoff, and so it's like all these
cries for help and for it to beso like you guys just were so
mature about it.
Hard conversation, but like,how do you get to that point?
How do you?
I think that you know, when youknow, but what is the?
Was there a process gettingthere?
(26:27):
Like, were there severaldiscussions up to that point?
Like if you guys kind of beenworking towards that and you
didn't, like you knew it, butyou, you just kind of knew and
yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
So it was mostly from me for years, just saying like
I just have a feeling, have afeeling, and I would cry Like I
don't, I didn't know how to wrapmy mind around, like let me
give you an example.
I would be like happy in mylife doing my thing, and then
(26:59):
like pick up a new book, happyin my life doing my thing, and
then like pick up a new book andin the book the author is
telling her story and what she'sbeen through, whatever, and she
would mention getting divorced.
And every time I would comeacross that I would have a
knowing in my soul that like payattention to what she's saying
here, because you are going togo through this and you're going
to want to do it graciously.
(27:20):
Like let's read this section.
And I would purposely skip thesection and freak out because I
didn't want to ever get divorced, like that is the worst thing
that could ever happen where Icome from, and especially
because how could I divorceBrian?
No one's beating me, no one'sabusive, no one's.
Like there's no drug use, likethere's not.
(27:40):
He's a great dad, like there'snothing.
But I just knew I can'tdescribe it any other way and I
would, brian and I have alwayshad really open conversation.
So I would tell him that, Iwould literally tell him what
happened when I was reading thebook and just how I was feeling,
and he'd be like oh no, likewell, okay, like do you need to
talk about something?
And I'm like, no, I just have afeeling.
(28:01):
And then it was almost likepremonition and that was like
for years.
Like 10 years ago it startedand we've been divorced for
almost four years now and so Istarted communicating, like hey,
I'm just not feeling like I'llbe super honest, like Brian
won't mind.
We talk about this on mypodcast all the time, so I'm
(28:23):
super real and it kind of freakspeople out, so just edit out or
stop me or whatever.
But the big like thing for uswas like I'm a lot, I am very
strong, I am very opinionated,I'm the leader, I so I need
fucking alpha male energy, like.
And Brian is just not that.
(28:45):
It's not that, he's a masculine.
I actually think in many wayshe is very masculine because
he's so grounded and calm andyou know, whatever.
I think that's masculinebecause I'm over here with ADHD,
like flatten off the handle foreverything, and he was always
like not that way, but he justwasn't more than me.
(29:06):
I'm not his girl, he's not myguy.
Why this all happened, I don'tknow.
Maybe we should relook at whatwe think marriage is supposed to
be and what we thinkrelationships are supposed to be
, and are they really supposedto last forever, forever, and is
it a failure if they don't staythe same?
I don't think it is.
I have a very different outlookon marriage now and so, yeah,
(29:29):
we had started having theseconversations and I would just
say like I sometimes don't feelsafe, I sometimes don't feel
protected, because you're notmore than me, I'm more than you,
and it's just your personalityand it's just my personality.
So what do we do?
So we were like we went totherapy, we did all the things
and like we never really hadthese like awful, like fights or
anything, it was just thesereal conversations a lot.
(29:52):
And he was always like I'mnever going to leave you.
And I was like, well, I'm nevergoing to leave you.
This would be a discussion,this would be like a knowing,
and I don't think we should doanything until then.
And he was like agreed, and westayed that way for about four
years and we would just bring itup every once in a while, have
these conversations, just likeman, I'm just really feeling sad
(30:13):
.
I feel like this is going toend I don't know when and Brian
would just be like I don't wantthat, but I totally know what
you mean.
And like, we left the churchtogether.
We unraveled our religioustrauma together.
We went to therapy separate.
He worked with an amazing lifecoach for men for about two
years and really transformed andwent through a lot.
(30:33):
I was doing my owntransformation and it was like
we were growing separately andside by side, parallel, and then
it just made sense and on thattrip we literally went to his
cousin's wedding and on thattrip we just I just knew and
he's thanked me since then Likethank you for being the one to
say it, because I couldn't haveand that's my brings me to my
(30:55):
previous point my relationship.
Now my man will literally likecome up and put his hand on my
chin and be like try that again.
Don't say it like that.
Like we love and respect eachother, try that again.
I'm like, oh shit, but, but,like but, that's just a silly
example but like he, really like.
(31:23):
He is more than me, he isstronger than me, he is more
grounded than me, he is elite,like his personality.
He can handle me and nobodyever has been able to, and
that's just.
It's nothing against Brian atall and he knows that.
He tells me what.
I broke up with Sean a whileback and Brian was like what are
you doing?
Literally no one like he's likeyou're a cat, you're a unicorn,
like you're rare, but you are acertain way and there and he's
(31:44):
the oh, he's like you're a cat,you're a unicorn, like you're
rare, but you are a certain way.
And there and he's the oh, he'slike I've.
I have a lot of friends, I knowa lot of people.
There is no one else that'sgoing to be able to handle you
the way he handled you, like youare being so dumb right now.
He was like angry and he wasright.
So, yeah, I give you, I givethose stories and those examples
to kind of give you a betterpicture of how the divorce went
down.
And then like, becauseeveryone's always like why, why?
(32:06):
Like who cheated, who did Like?
Sometimes there's not big drama, sometimes you just grow and
you know and you're matureenough to do the right thing for
you.
Do you know how much of abetter mom I became when I
wasn't in a relationship that Iknew I shouldn't be in, even
though there was nothing majorwrong.
Do you know what happened to mybusiness?
(32:26):
Do you know what happened to meas a like, we are so much
happier when we're not marriedso much happier.
It is astronomically different,and that's just.
That's our situation.
It's not the same for everybody, but that's our situation.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
Man, I, so your personality.
I'm like nobody knows.
Like we obviously are attractedto each other for a reason,
because we are fiery.
No fucks given.
Like I'm very masculine and itis.
It's too much for people, it'stoo.
I mean, I don't have female,very many female friends.
Speaker 1 (33:00):
Yeah, we struggle with that naturally and it's a
lot of betrayal, a lot of hurtbeing misunderstood.
Speaker 2 (33:07):
Yeah, and then you add the whole, like the whole
church thing, and I'm still inMississippi.
So I'm in a town called Brandonwhere I feel I'm literally
living in a cookie cutter home.
All the kids dress the same.
My daughter is she's.
That's what's so funny, is sheshows up.
She's so much like me and she'sfiery.
And when I say fiery, fiery,she even dyed her hair like fire
(33:28):
red and right, and it's justlike she's gonna be the same way
.
So I'm curious.
First off, I just resonate sodeeply with your energy, with
your um, your mentality, yourmasculinity, because you've got
a lot of masculinity there, yeah.
And then the I'm too muchbecause I'm too much for people.
(33:50):
And he, my husband, says likehe knows he's learning how to,
um, to tell me I'm too muchbecause you tell me I'm too much
, I'm like you fucking think I'mtoo much, it's a trigger.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
It's a trigger Because we've always been told
that and we've always beenedited.
So I will say do not edit me.
And he will like stay grounded,stay firm, and like okay, and
like adjust.
Like he knows how to talk to meand I know how to talk to him.
This is.
I've just never had arelationship like this, because
Brian was my only relationship.
(34:21):
Think about that.
Like we met so young.
I never.
I didn't know there was anyother way.
So I think that played into methinking like well, it's just
going to be me.
And like I still have Brian inmy life, like if he gets
remarried or something.
Like I went down that road,like okay, well, like it's just
going to be me and I'm cool withthat.
So this relationship was veryshocking.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
I okay.
So, with all that being said,when you were telling your story
, you said some things and Imentioned my daughter and all
that, because I mean that's thesituation, that's a real life
shit.
I'm going through right now,trying to navigate it, and it is
a situation where it's like, asa mother, it feels like I'm
going to have to pick marriageor to raise my babies.
(35:07):
That's a situation like whenyou have so my son's dad, my
husband, is alive.
He's got mom and dad.
That's a blessing.
She's only got mom and she's gotall this shit going on.
So you said something when youwere talking about you and Brian
, and just that knowing.
But like for me it's like aguilt that if this doesn't work
(35:32):
out, like well, I say the samething.
Like I told him.
I said, if we get divorced, andhe says the same thing, I'm
just done, like I'll have afriend, you know what I mean.
Like, yeah, I'll have a friend,you know what I mean.
Like, yeah, I'll have a friend.
I'm like dude me too.
But, um, the thing I strugglewith is we do make a good team.
There is a yin and a yang, butI definitely am a lot.
(35:54):
He, he's the, he's the one thatlike, does the dishes and the
wife things.
I'm not good at it, I'm justnot never.
I mean just not.
But my question is is like, ifI not just me, but anybody
listening who is in thatsituation?
So for me, I've been in reallybad relationships.
(36:16):
They've not hit me and shit,but verbal abuse, mental abuse.
Speaker 1 (36:20):
When I was pregnant, he was not there.
He was out doing drugs, leavingme alone.
Speaker 2 (36:25):
So it's like I've been in bad relationships.
This is not a bad relationship,right, but there's guilt, like
and you said something about how, how the relationship doesn't,
like it's not supposed todissipate, but like it'll shift.
(36:45):
So I'm curious, how do younavigate?
Or how, like cause that's whatit feels like it's such an
important decision to navigate.
And when you, when there is nolike big grand, you know, he
just knocked me the fuck down tothe floor, he's been beaten's
been cheating on me.
How do you as a woman even cometo that level of strength, I
(37:10):
guess, to be able to go?
You know what there is.
It's not him, it's not even me,I'm just like evolving.
And how did you explain it?
Speaker 1 (37:19):
we were growing, growing parallel.
Yeah, everyone's always like,oh, you just grew apart, like we
didn't grow.
How did you explain it?
We were growing, growingparallel.
Yeah, we were like parallel.
Yeah, everyone's always like,oh, you just grew apart, like we
didn't grow apart.
We grew parallel, but it wasnever like.
I never, ever had that.
I don't even know how todescribe it because I don't want
it to.
It's not like oh, love, likefuck that, like you choose it
(37:42):
and it's something you embody.
And whatever I still do loveBrian, I always will.
But it was never like I reallybelieve.
And Brian said this first andit hurt my feelings at first,
but then I was like well, shit,I think you're right, and that's
what I felt too.
Our therapist told us that wetrauma bonded because of how we
(38:03):
were raised, in the school wewere in, and we just wanted to
get the fuck out and be on ourown and we were so controlled,
so controlled, and he's like Ihonestly just really think like,
not, that she's right.
Not only did we trauma bond,but like we got married and did
everything because we just likedeach other so much and we're
like you're.
So you get it.
You're my best friend.
I want to get the fuck out ofhere.
(38:28):
Let's just get married and thenwe can have our own life.
But we did not even really talkabout kids.
It was something that happenedand so I'm like now I'm looking
and I'm like, well, it'sbeautiful, like we had a family
together and I have a good dadfor my kids and he's so present
and he loves them so much, andnow they have two, because Sean
did not have any kidsbiologically and he's just
completely come, joined in andlike they go to him for certain
(38:52):
things and it's beautiful.
But it's like, of course, Ifelt guilty because of all of
that, like I didn't mean totrauma, bond with somebody and
then just get married and thenget pregnant and have kids and
then just be like peace, likethat's not what I did, but
that's how people talk about it,that's how they talk to me and
(39:13):
it hurts.
So it's like I yes, theparallel growth thing I would, I
just knew.
But of course I felt guiltybecause so many women wish they
had a man like that and butthat's not me and that's not on
me.
The other thing I want to tellyou, and everyone listening, is
(39:33):
fuck what you think we'resupposed to do?
Why your daughter going throughthis?
Like, why do you have tosuccumb to normal?
What a normal marriage lookslike Like?
Why can't you just if you needspace for your baby girl, take
space, get her out, take spacewith her.
It doesn't mean you have to getdivorced.
(39:54):
It doesn't mean you're notgoing to live together again.
It doesn't mean you even don'tlive.
Maybe there's I don't know yourhouse situation you could live
on a different level.
You could move.
You could Maybe there's I don'tknow your house situation you
could live on a different level.
You could move, you could.
What the fuck?
Like?
Do whatever you want.
I am so sick of like becauseI've had fear of like.
What if I get divorced again?
What is that going to meanabout me?
What is it?
And I tell that to Sean all thetime Like, oh my God, what if I
(40:18):
?
They're going to, they're goingto talk about me.
I'll be the problem.
They're going to shame me,they're going to slut shame me.
They're going to all thesethings.
And it's like fuck that.
We get to write our own story,we get to create the
relationship that we want.
And if there's something biglike that happening, you bet
your ass.
The man becomes less of apriority and I'm going to do
(40:38):
what my daughter and I need.
And if that is unconventionaland people don't understand it
and everyone's confused orclutching their pearls over the
oh, they're not living together,get the fuck away from me.
And that's the thing, too, withmental health.
And why I'm so passionate aboutthis for you right now is
because you're her mom.
(40:59):
For a reason, she needed you asa mom.
That's why she chose you beforeshe got here.
We're a mess girl.
Speaker 2 (41:11):
It's just a lot, because when you do come from,
you know like the background wecome from, where you're
spiritually abused, yep, andshamed.
Like my whole virginity wasshamed they had, I mean, they
conducted a whole sermon andnobody went up and prayed except
for, like they shamed me intorepenting for my sins, and so
(41:33):
there's so much trauma and likethis is what that little girl
wanted was this cookie cutterhome and to fit in.
And now that we're here and Isee her struggling with the
cookie cutterness of everythingbeing done, like watered down
and dumbed down, it's just likeyou, it's.
I needed to talk to you todayand we couldn't have planned the
(41:56):
timing of this or anything, andonly God knows right, like
what's going on right now.
But hearing everything you'resaying is just such confirmation
for me, because I've beenthinking about things like that,
like I don't, I don't want tojust get divorced without at
least trying, like could we live?
Speaker 1 (42:11):
in different homes.
I don't know why not.
Like that's what I'm saying.
Like, why not?
They're like and we're also ina movement right now where young
people are getting married andhaving their own rooms and it's
beautiful.
Like who was it?
Cameron Diaz was talking aboutthis, but Gen Z is doing this.
It's so beautiful.
(42:31):
Like I don't, why do we?
Why do we have to do it?
Like you're the person.
Sean is the person I want to dothis next part of my life with.
But why do we have to do it theway that everyone thinks we
have to do it?
Why did you get?
Like, if you're really marriedand you're really in a
partnership, then that means youare prioritizing what's
(42:53):
important to each of you andthat's going to shift and you're
going to take turns.
If he was going throughsomething really dark and really
hard with one of his, with hisboys from the other relationship
, you would be like what do weneed to do?
What do we need?
But why is only the woman, theflexible one, bending over
backwards for everybody?
Like no, if you need to takethe time, then you take the time
(43:15):
.
Speaker 2 (43:15):
Yeah, there's always a way to figure it out.
That that is, and I and I cansee that way, and I hope that he
can as well.
Right, but it's just immediaterejection.
That's what the other personhears is rejection.
You don't want to be with meand I just it's so hard to to
get through to someone when, ortell me the genders of your
(43:39):
babies you got four my daughter,my daughter 15, and she's my
only girl.
Speaker 1 (43:45):
And then I've got three boys.
Speaker 2 (43:46):
So then, okay, so imagine that's the situation
here.
It's four boys and one girl,and then on her dad's side she
has a stepbrother and ahalf-brother, so she's literally
the only fucking girl.
And then she's got a mom who'ssuper masculine, and then she's
got a stepdad who's never, everhad a girl, and all the boys are
mean to her.
(44:07):
They call her fat, they callher grenade, they're fucking
mean.
And then the kids at school arereally mean and she's trying to
figure out her identity andthey say things like grave, baby
, and just all these things.
And you mentioned theflexibility.
Like, yeah, I feel like I'm theone that has to be flexible,
and even bringing the situationup is uncomfortable, because I
immediately know this isn'tconventional and I'd like feel
(44:29):
the pressure immediately Likewhat would that make me look
like?
Because my dream, my dream, isright now, today, I would be
completely okay with taking herout, taking my other one out and
I want to buy a camper.
With taking her out, taking myother one out and us having I
want to buy a camper.
It's like he, because he needsto be here.
I've done that.
Really, he needs oh my God, wegot to talk about that then but
(44:51):
he needs to be here for his boysand I get that.
I respect his relationship withhis ex-wife enough to know that
like he's got to stay planted.
But my big thing with Finley, mydaughter, when her mom, when
her dad was alive, was, I felt,stuck.
I couldn't do that.
I couldn't pick up and go.
So it's just like where itfeels.
Like if you do it, if you eventry to be unconventional, like,
(45:15):
let's say that we you know, I doget a camper and I take the
kids and I homeschool them, andthen we come back and like and
he sees his dad.
I would love that, would be socool to just test and see if
everybody was happier that way.
But I just already know that itwould feel like immediate
rejection, you know, to theother person and everybody's
going to assume, oh, they'redivorced, they're getting
(45:36):
divorced or they hate each other, and so it's just like it's all
mindfuck, yeah, and so it'sjust like, yeah, it's like all
of this there's.
Speaker 1 (45:45):
This is why, like I love the techniques that I do
because all of that worry andall the stuff you're holding
goes away.
Like I would recommend EFT toyou.
It will clear like, yeah,tapping OK, it will literally
clear like I mean it will begone, that you just will stop
(46:06):
caring what they think.
But yeah, it's like fuck whatthey think, fuck what you think
you should be doing, or worryingabout what they're gonna say.
This is an extreme situation,so it calls for extreme moves
and you can't.
You can communicate to yourhusband like this is what's
going on with Finley.
This is what I'm feeling withFinley.
This is what I'm feeling.
Lett is her mom.
This is what it like.
Can I just take a break?
(46:26):
Can I just take her out?
I think she just needs a break.
Can I just go explore with herfor like a few weeks and just do
this thing, and can we juststay connected?
Can we just?
I feel like in my bones I don'twant this to turn into an awful
story Like I think we need totake her out of this.
Speaker 2 (46:44):
If he takes that as rejection girl.
Speaker 1 (46:47):
you didn't say anything that was rejecting Like
that.
You can't, even though the oneswe love the most we cannot take
responsibility for how theyperceive what we say.
We can only control ourselves,our intentions and our words,
and that literally had nothingto do with him.
So if he took it that way,that's an issue he needs to work
through.
Yeah, just because you'remarried doesn't mean you're like
(47:11):
now.
I have to carry every singlethought and emotion you ever
have and change what I know isright for me.
A court like that's not reallove, that's fucking codependent
no, you're so.
No, you're so fucking right,you're so right and it's just,
it's something I'm gonna have,I'll get a, I'll work through
and we'll figure it out um yeah,but I just want you to know
(47:33):
like I see you and I can feel itin you and how heavy it is and
so heavy I know you need to makethis lighter for yourself and
you need support every way youcan get it.
And you need to take a secondto think about what you need to
do.
And everybody listening, likeeveryone has something in their
(47:55):
life at some point that feelslike this, even if the details
are different, like you have todo what you know you need to do
and a partner is supposed to bewith you for that.
And if they won't, then theywere only going to be your
partner if you were typical andyou're not typical.
Speaker 2 (48:16):
Yeah, that's what I'm finding.
That's what I'm finding.
It's so funny because I,whenever I got out of
Mississippi we moved afterHurricane Katrina and I was 16
moving to New York city that youtake a Southern at church girl
and put her in the big apple.
Yeah, I learned a lot.
I learned a lot fast.
(48:38):
And what's funny is maybe youhave like a hot take on this,
but what is it about the 30s,mid 30s, where you were just
like I mean, I think I startover.
I got to start over, but it'sjust like this unfuck with like
I know, I know now it has beenso hard and he's, he is so great
(48:59):
and he has loved me, I wouldsay unconditionally and I think
we will continue to.
But it's like there is this Idon't know if it's 35, almost 40
.
Maybe it's all the grief, allthe loss.
Maybe it's the now that I'mfully owning who I am and being
unapologetic about that andstarting to make money and being
successful.
I don't know.
The show's starting to get bigand I'm just, as you see,
(49:24):
sitting in some fucking socks onmy whole ass concrete floor.
You see my bed.
Like I don't care, I know likeI've, I know who the fuck I am
now and that's really that'ssomething I want to maybe end
with is like which, which?
When did that happen for you?
Because, like I know, we'veknown who we are, but it was, as
you said earlier, like editedand watered down and you didn't
(49:44):
know you were allowed to be thismuch.
Yeah, did it start hitting you,like in your 30s?
Speaker 1 (50:01):
Was it some big event ?
It wasn't a big event for meand I that I was going to lose
pretty much everybody that hadbeen in my circle my whole life.
And I did, including thecloseness I had with my best
friend that I've had since I wasseven years old.
And because you're taught like,oh, if they're not in the folds
(50:23):
, then like they're lost and soyou can't like, hey, it's a cult
.
Speaker 2 (50:25):
It is.
Thank you for saying that.
Speaker 1 (50:27):
Yeah, but I would say like.
So, when I turned 35, the littlepresent I got myself was this
ring that says unfuckwithable,which I love, because you just
said that I love that and itjust like something shifted.
Something shifted and I hadbeen through so much, like 33 to
34 was me still trying to holdonto the old identity, still
trying like, uh, brian and Iwere not together anymore, but I
(50:48):
didn't tell anyone, we didn'ttell anyone, not even my parents
, which is like basically hisparents too, like he, his family
is over here and my family isour family.
And, um, we didn't even tellthem, like no one knew, cause we
were so chill with each other,like whatever, and yeah, we just
I didn't want to tell them.
I did the thing, but I didn'twant to tell anyone.
(51:10):
And I was holding on to thatold identity, staying fake,
staying vanilla, making surethat I was still appearing to
please everybody.
I was learning about neurolingu, neuro-linguistic programming
and psycho-cybernetics and thepower of crystals and all these
different things that were likeevil, dark, yeah, and so I was
(51:31):
hiding everything.
I would hide books when myparents would come over, I would
like hide books, like.
And then when I was 35, I hadbeen, I had gone through like so
much and I just was like fuckthis, I am so done hiding.
It's exhausting.
And so now, like I choose whatI share, like that's why you
(51:52):
probably didn't realize that Iwas in a committed relationship,
because I'm very private aboutthat.
I really like that new level ofprivacy.
Like I wear my ring but Ihaven't said shit.
Like no, but everyone like istrying to figure it out and I
like that try to.
Speaker 2 (52:06):
I I'm not gonna, yeah you have that's so special to
you.
I love, and I love that I thinkwe've made it this long because
he doesn't have social media,he doesn't do all those things
and, like I'm, I keep himprivate.
I keep like I told him I saidyou get like one post a year,
man, and that's and that's happyanniversary and you don't even
see that shit.
But like my stepkids, I keepthat private.
(52:29):
Even my kids.
I barely post them right, likeit's just not, people don't
realize, yeah, until they listento my stuff.
Speaker 1 (52:37):
Not their business.
That's how it should be,because that's not the point of
what I'm here to do.
I'm here to help women simplifytheir lives, make things
clearer, lighter, better andrewire the shit that's keeping
them stuck in these patterns.
So why do I have to be like, oh, today we had an argument and
it went like this.
But I'm not like.
The people that post about therelationships are always the
(52:57):
ones that end up angry, divorcedand are miserable secretly.
The more you talk about yourrelationship, the more you're
faking it.
Speaker 2 (53:06):
Oh, my God, thank you .
I did not realize that until Imarried this man.
All the other times I wanted tobrag, I wanted to put him out
there like, but it was becausethose relationships were empty
as fog.
Speaker 1 (53:19):
Yeah, you're trying to prove if I get enough likes
you're trying, andsubconsciously it is a safety
thing.
You're trying to prove it toyourself.
Speaker 2 (53:27):
Dude, that makes so much sense.
All right, this has been reallygood, but I know you gotta go
Shit.
Speaker 1 (53:35):
I know this is you're so easy to talk to.
Speaker 2 (53:37):
This is such a vibe, thank you so much.
It means like it means theworld to me, the little church
girl.
That was like sitting in thecorner, afraid to even wear
black because I thought I wasgoing to hell same um and and
the the purity thing like.
Speaker 1 (53:53):
Oh my god, I feel like we could have like five
episodes together on just allthe fucking trauma let's fucking
chat again that's what we needto do yes, for sure, um, but
before you hop off, telleverybody where to find you.
Well, now that I'm risen backfrom my Lazarus to back to
Instagram, I love how you end itwith the Bible reference.
(54:16):
Yeah, I knew you would get it.
My kids the other day were likewho's Lazarus?
Though I was like hallelujah,thank you, that's a good sign.
I'm on Instagram.
It's Allie underscore.
That's me.
You can DM me.
You can like to personallyconnect with me there.
But then, yeah, go to thewebsite AllieCasazacom.
(54:38):
Kind of choose your ownadventure.
If you're a fempreneur, I'vegot so much for you.
If you just want to improveyour life and kind of more
lifestyle mindset stuff, I'mlike the queen of freebies and
they're really fucking good.
I take a lot of pride in myfree lead magnets, like they are
paid product worthy.
So go, it's aliexpresscom.
(54:59):
Slash free shit.
Oh, of course it is.
Speaker 2 (55:03):
Allie.
Speaker 1 (55:03):
Oh my God, Go get yourself what you need and get
supported.
I love you and I'm so happy towelcome you guys into my
community.
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 2 (55:13):
You're amazing.
Thank you for being here,because I told you you're on my
chicken list and I was likescared shitless to even message
you.
Speaker 1 (55:19):
Oh, how no.
I'm so glad you did and we willdo this again.
Speaker 2 (55:24):
This is so good You're, you're just you're.
You're so good woman, you're sogood Um, have a great live.
Is this going to be on?
Speaker 1 (55:29):
Instagram.
Um, no, it's in the thechallenge community and my
private thing.
But yeah, I was like I'll justcome hang out.
Yeah, I will.
I do need to do an Instagramlive soon, though.
Thank you for reminding me.
Okay, Well, you're welcome.
Well, I love you and I'm soglad we connected.
Speaker 2 (55:47):
Yeah, same, same, same same, and I'll shoot the
show later.
Yeah, okay, bye, have a goodday, bye.
We never had to have a discussion of if this was
going to be okay or not, even inour decision to get a divorce.
I remember exactly where wewere sitting on the porch at an
Airbnb in our favorite city,carlsbad, california, and I just
looked at him and I was like Ireally feel like it's time, I
really feel like it's time toshift.
And he was like, I know, andthat was it.
(00:23):
We talked about it, we cried,we, I know, and that was it.
We talked about it there, wecried, we hugged and then I went
on my book tour.
Ladies and gentlemen, ladiesand gentlemen, you're listening
to just women talking shit withyour host, Jacqueline.
Cotton.
Speaker 2 (00:43):
Jacqueline Cotton.
How are you doing?
Speaker 1 (00:53):
today I'm doing good, I'm so ready.
I have like fun plans thisweekend and it's been one of
those weeks where it's likenonstop like back to back to
back everything, and I'm soready to just unplug after today
and have a good time.
But I haven't done any likepress at all and so seeing this
(01:14):
on my calendar at the beginningof the week, I was like, okay,
I'm so looking forward to that.
I love this stuff.
Speaker 2 (01:19):
Oh, good, good, good, good.
You just made me think about apiece of content that I saw from
you and I was going through theother day, because I'm that
person.
I'm like save, save, save Everytime I have some gold.
And I remember a reel that youposted and first off it tickled
me paint, because I'm like Ilove how bossy she is.
But it was that reel where youwere like okay, I've got your
(01:43):
whole weekend plans laid out.
And you went through and you'relike this is what you're going
to do on Friday, this is whatyou're going to do on Saturday,
and by Sunday it was like you'regoing to have oil in your hair
and you're going to go shopping.
And I was like this bitch is agenius.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
It's a good weekend.
I like take my weekends veryseriously.
Speaker 2 (02:00):
I love it.
But, allie, first off, thankyou so much for being here.
You, you were one of thosepeople that were on my list.
Like I had a spreadsheet andwhenever my business coach she
earlier this year it was likeSeptember, I think she's like
okay, jacqueline, you keepsaying you're gonna, you're,
we're like 2025 is like your bigyear.
(02:20):
So like what are you fuckingdoing about that?
So she made me get organizedand I put this whole spreadsheet
together and she's like therehas to be purpose in each
podcast episode and like we needto find people that are online,
that like they have this, likeexpertise and dah, dah, dah
Anyway.
So one of the people I wantedto speak to was like a really
what I feel like powerful lifecoach or someone in that realm,
(02:45):
anyways.
So I was nerding out and I waslooking at hashtags and I'm like
chat, gpt, what do I look up tofind the perfect da, da, da da.
Anyway.
And I stumbled upon you and Iremember being so nervous I was
like okay, Allie.
I didn't know how to pitch toyou or anything.
And then you, you like dayslater wrote me back I think I
(03:06):
probably got buried, and youwere like, okay, Allie, I didn't
know how to pitch to you oranything.
And then you like days laterwrote me back I think I probably
got buried, and you were likewhat?
Yeah, what does that entail?
And you were so nice about itand it was just one of those
moments where I was like Itotally got my head about that.
Speaker 1 (03:16):
I know we do that and it's so, it's so silly because,
like, we're all just women likebehind the account, just trying
to get our voice out there andhelp people or sell our product
or whatever it is.
So I do the same thing, though,and then every time I meet
someone that I thought like ohmy gosh, I could never, it's
(03:36):
always like the realest exchangeand just so relaxed and ends up
being a friend.
So I always hope that that'sthe experience that I leave
people with.
Speaker 2 (03:46):
Oh for sure Already, I'm like well, I'm not, ever
since you responded, especially,I'm like I'm geeking out over
here, and then you, youdisappeared on us for a minute,
which is oh, yeah, so like twomonths away from awesome.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Yeah, I do that a lot .
Speaker 2 (04:01):
Good yeah, good yeah, I do that a lot.
Good yeah, good.
But it's just I just wanted toput that out there because I
know I get like I'm like whensomebody comes to me and they're
like oh, I've been followingyou or you really inspire me, or
it always takes me back and I'mlike I'm so freaking glad you
told me, because I'm over herein $2 socks Right, Just trying
(04:26):
to.
Speaker 1 (04:26):
I feel like, especially lately in my business
I've just been like behind mydesk, like doing so much behind
the scenes work.
So when someone sends me a nicemessage or says like they watch
something, I'm like, oh yeah,there's stuff going out of the
front too.
Thank you for watching, Thankyou for telling me.
Speaker 2 (04:45):
Yeah, oh, that's great, okay, well, my interviews
are super informal.
Okay, it's already started, incase you don't know.
I do this Like I just hit recordand then I'm just like we can
cut out whatever, but like Ijust want the authentic like
hello instead of the like wantthe authentic, like hello
(05:10):
instead of the like, and nowwe're starting hallelujah, and
for me it's awkward because Ilike I have a bunch of social
anxiety and so I'm like me beinghere is a thing to begin with,
but then you add structure to it, like too much structure, and
it's just like.
That's not me at all at all.
So I didn't know.
You do.
I love that so much.
Some people, though, do you getthis a lot with your podcast,
like.
So the intake form for me youdidn't do one, but I usually
(05:33):
have an intake form for people Idon't like, I haven't been
following and I don't know well,I don't know their integrity
and all that, but, like theintake form is it?
It's like who are you, what doyou do?
What would you talk about?
And pop me your links andeverybody's always so
dumbfounded They'll write me andI'm talking about like I've
(05:54):
gotten some.
I've got some really goodinterviews coming up with some I
would consider like in my worldfamous people, and they're all
just like okay, so will youplease send us the topics and
everything to prepare and da, da, da, da and the list of
questions, and I'm like we don'tdo that.
Speaker 1 (06:06):
here, I literally say that.
I say I don't do that.
I think that the reason that myshow does well is because I
don't do that.
So, like in the in the CEO clubwith the girls that have
podcasts, that's what I teachthem.
Like, don't do that, don'tsuccumb to this.
Like, especially once you getbig, don't give in and feel like
(06:28):
you have to be super organizedand do all.
Like, the intuitive flow of afemale host of a podcast is the
magic, and you lose that whenyou.
So if they need to be thatprepared, they're probably not
very good at their craft.
So if they need to be thatprepared, they're probably not
very good at their craft.
So I would maybe not have themon anymore.
Speaker 2 (06:48):
I like got full body chills and you said that like
the intuitive flow is like wherethe magic is, and I think that
too, I always like I want to belike Ricky Lake when I grow up
is what I've always said she'sso amazing, so amazing.
Speaker 1 (07:06):
And I don't even know what she's up to these days,
but yeah, me neither.
But she's done some amazingthings.
Speaker 2 (07:10):
I just remember her energy, though, like on the show
, and you could tell that shewas just so like.
I mean, of course, they'retelling her some of the things
to do, but it was always justfelt so genuine and like when
she was taken back.
She was taken back and I justthink, I think about her in what
was that movie?
Cry Baby?
Did you ever see that?
I don't think so.
She's in Cry Baby and she isfucking hilarious.
(07:32):
She's like like barefootpregnant and just oh my God, and
it's a Johnny Depp movie.
It's whack, it's weird.
It's great, though.
I hope you go watch it, butyou'll love it, I think.
Okay, well, now that we got allof our all my score, our ADHD.
Speaker 1 (07:55):
I mean, that's also what I think makes good episodes
.
So.
Speaker 2 (07:59):
Right, you kind of bounce and it doesn't get boring
by any means.
Yeah, but okay, for all my justwomen talking shit, people
listening will you pleaseintroduce your amazing self?
I know who you are, I'mobsessed with you, but they
don't know you yet.
So can you introduce yourselfand you know?
My main question is like whatare you doing in the world to
(08:19):
make it a better place?
And you've got a huge brand andI'm just going to kind of let
you toot your own horn, becausethey need to know.
Speaker 1 (08:31):
Thank you, yeah.
Well, I'm Allie.
I've been in the onlinebusiness space for I mean
officially a business likealmost a decade, but before that
, for years I was kind of like amommy blogger like way back in
the day when that was new, and Ireally just mental health is a
really big thing for me and myfamily and I know so much more
(08:56):
now.
But, like, looking back, butwhen I was in those earlier
years when my kids were superlittle and I was blogging, you
know, really just for me, forfun, and I had a very little
small but very loyal following,I was just really struggling.
Motherhood is something that Ididn't really think about much
as like a kid.
(09:16):
I didn't really like, oh yeah,I'm definitely going to do that.
In fact, there were times whereI was like probably not, and I
was told that I was infertilebecause I have a hormone
disorder and I was just kind oflike, ok, whatever, super not
had four kids in five years.
Like, ok, here we go.
And so I just kind of fell assbackwards into motherhood and I
(09:41):
was very young, like Brian, andI got married.
We're not married anymore andwe can talk about that too,
because I love talking aboutpositive divorce like so much.
But we got married when we werelike barely 20 and had our
daughter when we were 21, andthen just kids, kids, kids.
So it was I was drowning and itjust wasn't positive.
(10:01):
I was waking up every day likewith dread.
And it wasn't about the kids,which is good, it was about the
maintenance of this life that Ifelt like I was not present for
and not living.
So I started I'm just kind of,I don't know.
I guess I'm a doer, like I'mgoing to figure things out and
things need to feel good,otherwise I don't see what the
(10:23):
point is of doing it at all.
I'm a Taurus, so we're aboutlike that pleasure, that luxury,
okay, but I'm like I didn'tknow any of that.
I'm just like this broke assmom of at that time it was like
three babies and trying tofigure it out.
And so I had this moment that Italk about a lot, where I was
(10:44):
having a really, really bad dayand I was sitting on the ground
in my bathroom like crying andjust had this like come to Jesus
moment where it was likeliterally all I'm doing is
picking up and maintaining shitwe don't even need.
I'm done.
Who says that I have to haveall this stuff?
So minimalism wasn't a thing.
It wasn't a trend.
There was.
I didn't even know what it wascalled.
(11:06):
There was no Marie Kondo.
There was none of that.
I just started decluttering andsharing about it on my blog and
how much more time it wasgiving me and how it helped me.
That long story short justcatapulted me into this world of
simplicity for mothers, thisworld of simplicity for mothers.
(11:29):
I ended up getting asked tocreate something that they could
buy, where all of the stepswere organized and courses
weren't really a thing.
Yet If they were, they weren'tvery well known.
So I did an e-book and itturned into nothing Like.
I didn't even make enough moneyto like buy myself ice cream
after.
And then I found this woman.
Her name was Mariah Cause.
(11:50):
I don't know what she's doingin the world these days, but she
was like a pioneer of coursecreation and I was like this is
it?
There's something here I'mgoing to do this.
Created a course, launched itworked my butt off, made more
money than my husband at thetime could have made in a month,
in like a day, and I ended uplike studying virality and
(12:12):
writing this viral postintentionally writing a viral
post in 2016.
It took off.
It was trending over the firstHillary Trump debate in 2016.
It launched my career likefast-tracked it and then I
stayed in that space for a while, but it led me very much into
like psychology and how thesubconscious mind works and why
(12:35):
people can't let go of things,why we allow ourselves to have
such messy, shitty homes and Ican walk into your home and
within 30 seconds, see what youthink about yourself, and that
fascinates me.
So I went super deep into likeprogramming of the mind,
worthiness issues, studying howour physical environment affects
(12:58):
us as women, and then today Imean shit, I'm certified
neurolinguistic programmingpractitioner, neuroenergetic
encoding, emotional freedomtechnique, hypnotherapist, like
all these things, because Ican't stop being fascinated by
how our minds are literallycreating everything.
And manifestation is not magic,it's literal fact and science
(13:21):
and you can use your brain tocreate whatever the fuck you
want, however the fuck fast youwant to, and I use that
information to help women maketheir lives lighter in every way
.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
I had to mute myself because I'm over here, like yes,
you hear those.
You know, like when I'm downSouth I don't attend church
anymore, but I just remember itin church it's like, hey, man,
you tell us yes, yes, that wasme over here like yes, but man,
(13:54):
so that's also fascinating.
I didn't know, like how you gotup into this point.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
Is that declutter like a mother by the way, we
still yeah, we still do thatevery year.
We're on our last day right now, so right after this I'm going
to do day five, yeah that is socool.
Speaker 2 (14:12):
So that's I'm obsessed with that because
that's something that allows youto like what I call get paid to
exist.
You created it and you can justkeep launching it and you can
keep like and it and you love it.
Seems like you love it, I it.
And you can keep like and itand you love it.
It seems like you love it.
I love that.
You love what you do.
Like it's pretty obvious thatyou love your community, the
people you serve, and you.
(14:34):
You touch base on positivedivorce.
I want to talk about that, yeah, but um, it's just hearing all
of that.
Things are starting to, in mybrain, make sense, like the
content.
I've seen your stories.
I'm just getting a better ideaof, like I guess your timeline
and you said that you and yourhusband y'all got married.
Speaker 1 (14:53):
Pretty what did you say young, Super young, Like?
We met.
We met in math class in juniorhigh.
Oh shit, and we went, yeah, sowe were kind of in the same
friend circle and we didn't gettogether until senior year but
we were married like two yearsafter that.
We were married so young.
We were both raised at the sameschool a very, very
(15:18):
oppressively religious schooland then our parents are.
We we're definitely like.
We were definitely both raisedsuper religious, very like
evangelical Christian, just veryoppressive of women
specifically, which was reallyhard for me with who I am now.
It took me a long time to gethere.
(15:39):
I would have gotten here somuch sooner if I thought I was
allowed.
Oh, holy shit.
Yeah, there's a lot wrappedinto that.
My husband, Brian, never, everfor even a moment, put any of
that bullshit on me.
In fact, I always say he was afeminist before I was and he was
(16:01):
always calling me up andcalling me out on my shit and
encouraging me that there wasideas here, there was something
here, Um and so when we were,when we and I was winning my
business and we were married,during that time we very much
had opposite of traditionalgender roles I was the
breadwinner.
He still works with my company.
We work together almost everyday.
He's my editor, my producer.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
Yeah, so are you.
So you guys got divorced Areyou?
Did you remarry or are you?
Speaker 1 (16:28):
I'm going to Actually , I've never said this out loud,
but I'm yeah, we're about toelope, shut up.
Yeah, oh, fucking cool Womentalking shit exclusive.
Speaker 2 (16:41):
Oh my God, we heard it first, y'all, I'm like so
excited, oh my God, congrats.
So that's, that's something Iwanted to ask you about, because
there was a day don't know ifhe's listening but I didn't know
that, I didn't know that youwere, that you are in a
committed relationship.
I haven't dug that deep.
You're in a committedrelationship.
You have your ex-husband.
(17:03):
You mentioned positive divorce.
I've seen content where, like Ithink you rolled your ankle or
something and yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (17:11):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (17:12):
And I remember laying in bed.
This was before, like, Istarted really taking care of
myself, but my mentality was isthat like, I've got to start
setting this example of how Iexpect people to take care of me
?
And I think it was right around.
Then I saw that real and I makeit emotional about this because
(17:32):
my daughter's dad died in 2020.
And it totally, it totallycould have been prevented.
And so there's this justongoing like internal battle of
did I do enough?
Did it like?
You know what I mean.
So I forever will have thisguilt of did I do enough?
And like in my currentrelationship with my husband,
(17:55):
there is just this like ifbecause we're a blended family
and you know blended familiesare really hard, yes, um, and I
remember like in those momentsit's just there's this question
of is this all going to work outlike is ever?
Is everybody happy?
Um, is our love going to beenough for our children, who
(18:16):
don't appear to be completelyhappy?
You know, like.
And so I remember laying thereand it was just one of those
things.
And then I saw your reel ofyour ex-husband coming and
helping you and I, I likegiggled and I kind of got giddy
out loud and I looked at myhusband and I kind of looked
back over and I just thought tomyself, like is that really
(18:36):
possible?
Like, do people, are peoplethat cordial?
Are they that self selfless?
Are they that able to like,remove themselves and actually
work together and still care foreach other and it not be, like
you know, because before he diedI know his ex-wife or his they
didn't get divorced, they werein the middle of a divorce but
like she was very jealous of meand I get it, I get it.
(18:58):
I mean it's that's a hardsituation to be in, but we
didn't learn healthyco-parenting.
We knew nothing.
Yeah, right, and I justremember her getting really
upset and it was never me tryingto disrespect her, but it's
like, yeah, before he died, thatwas her dad.
He should be bringing herthings when she's sick, right,
like my soon-to.
I don't.
I didn't feel that was his role.
Go out of your way, leave work,come, bring my daughter who we
(19:21):
just started dating.
You know, like he and I juststarted dating, like it wasn't
his position.
So I'm really curious,especially knowing that you're
in a healthy, committedrelationship now and about to
elope.
Oh my God, how does any of thateven fucking work, like because
when I, when I showed it to himand I was like man, did you
(19:42):
know?
I literally was like did youknow that people like can
hopefully co-parent and like thedad can come over and hang out
and and they can be friends?
And he was like, yeah, she, heliterally because he knows
nothing about you, it's nothingagainst you, but anybody.
But he was like whoever that isthat you and your ex-husband,
(20:04):
he said they must not be datinganybody yet.
Then, oh no, no, we both havejust like.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
I just remember immediately going wow, that's
what you took away from that soyeah, and that's and that's so
and, unfortunately, like it'sjust so typical of to think that
way, because this is nottypical and what is typical is
like angst and tension andresentment and all of these
(20:30):
things and, of course, likewe've had resentment and we've
had hard conversations and we'vehad like, but we work through
it.
I don't like I don't understandthat you can make a life with
somebody and have babies withsomebody and then not continue
to do the work.
Brian and I view it this wayand we've talked about this on
(20:53):
my podcast, but it's like wedidn't stop being partners.
We graduated to a version of itthat fits for us better and I
truly, truly, from the bottom ofmy heart, thought that I would
just be by myself forever and I,low key, was excited Like I had
(21:18):
.
No, I never thought, oh, I wantto go find my like Brian.
I gave him, like my heart, mylife, like he was my person and
in many ways, he still is.
It's just shifted.
So meeting Sean was a shock.
It was a shock to me, it was ashock to Brian.
(21:39):
We've talked about this, butI'm happy to expand and I think
I mean I want to do an episodewith the three of us, because I
feel like people just thinkwe're there's like rumors online
that we're like a throuple andlike that we're lying, or like
I'm holding the kids away fromBrian, like if you don't act,
like if it was that serious,like I never even had to tell
(22:02):
anyone that we got divorcedbecause no one would know,
because he's still in all mycontact, he's over here
co-working with me multiple daysa week, Like so yeah it the
video you're talking about.
To go back to that, sean wasnot in the state and I rolled my
ankle so bad and I got glass inmy foot at the same time, so he
(22:24):
came over to get the glass outto help me.
To all of it, yeah, and it'slike, of course, like he was
sick a couple of weeks ago,really sick, and I was like,
okay, let me send you.
I didn't want to get sick, I'mnot stupid, but let me send you
soup, let me send you, like, letme sure you're good.
So I mean, it's still.
I had a really bad day the otherday and I was crying, I was
(22:46):
very disappointed in myself.
I had a big business goal and Idid not even make 10% of it and
I was so upset and I get sohard on myself.
And he came over.
He made steak and made food foreveryone in my house because
the kids are with me full time.
He's like working on rebuildinghis own stuff and they need to
(23:08):
be here with me.
So he comes over a lot so thatthey can be around him and we
all hang out together, whatever.
And he made dinner and he gaveme a pep talk, gave me a hug,
was like you're going to fixthis, this is what you do, but
today you need to just rest andeat steak.
So like we're still partners,we're still everything, and I
don't understand the other way.
I don't understand how somebodycould come into someone's life
(23:30):
and then be upset that they havea good relationship with the
mother of their children, thefather of their children.
I'm surrounded by scenarioslike that with friends and I.
It breaks my heart.
I don't understand.
We never had to have adiscussion of if this was going
to be okay or not, even in ourdecision to get a divorce.
I remember exactly where wewere sitting on the porch at an
(23:52):
Airbnb in our favorite city,carlsbad, california, and I just
looked at him and I was like Ireally feel like it's time.
I really feel like it's time toshift.
And he was like I know, andthat was it.
We talked about it, there were,we cried, we hugged, and then I
went on my book tour and thatwas, and then I came back and we
(24:14):
worked out the details Like itwas never normal.
But you get to decide that andhe was on board with that
decision and that's what thedifference is.
You have to have both.
So I don't understand when oneperson is like I'm just
committed to this, beingmiserable, and I'm going to be
super immature and make surethat you know how angry I am and
(24:35):
put that above the kids seeingeveryone being together.
Speaker 2 (24:39):
Dude, I'm like really fucking emotional over here
because I mean it's just, firstmarriage is hard and then you
combine two different familiesand like my situation is a
little it's my situation withwith her dad dying, um, and
there we were, in the middle ofour second custody battle.
There was a lot of turmoil, alot of trauma, a lot of just
(25:02):
shit, you know, going on.
And and when I married into myhusband's family, I was just
like, fine, like I'm gonna get afamily.
You know, and I don't have thegreatest relationship with my
family.
I come from a lot of traumas.
I'm like, yeah, I'm getting afamily and I squeezed a baby out
of him.
You know, he told me I wasn'tgetting one and managed to get
one out of him, but you knowhe's got three boys.
(25:23):
I've got my girl and then wehad our baby together and I'm
just, it's like I'm, I guesswhen I'm I'm gonna come back to
your story in a second, but I'mcurious for my own personal
benefit.
You said you there was, like itwas uh, just you guys knew.
And like my husband and I havehad these discussions Like I had
(25:44):
one this past week and they'rehard discussions but like my
daughter is sufferingtremendously with her mental
health.
She does not get along with herbrother.
She's not doing well at school.
I'm considering taking her outof school, homeschooling her,
because I mean, her dad, low-keydied from an overdose.
Nobody wants to even fuckingtalk about that, and I've been
pumping my kid full ofantidepressants and ADHD
(26:05):
medicine and she weaned herselfoff, and so it's like all these
cries for help and for it to beso like you guys just were so
mature about it.
Hard conversation, but like,how do you get to that point?
How do you?
I think that you know, when youknow, but what is the?
Was there a process gettingthere?
(26:27):
Like, were there severaldiscussions up to that point?
Like if you guys kind of beenworking towards that and you
didn't, like you knew it, butyou, you just kind of knew and
yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:38):
So it was mostly from me for years, just saying like
I just have a feeling, have afeeling, and I would cry Like I
don't, I didn't know how to wrapmy mind around, like let me
give you an example.
I would be like happy in mylife doing my thing, and then
(26:59):
like pick up a new book, happyin my life doing my thing, and
then like pick up a new book andin the book the author is
telling her story and what she'sbeen through, whatever, and she
would mention getting divorced.
And every time I would comeacross that I would have a
knowing in my soul that like payattention to what she's saying
here, because you are going togo through this and you're going
to want to do it graciously.
(27:20):
Like let's read this section.
And I would purposely skip thesection and freak out because I
didn't want to ever get divorced, like that is the worst thing
that could ever happen where Icome from, and especially
because how could I divorceBrian?
No one's beating me, no one'sabusive, no one's.
Like there's no drug use, likethere's not.
(27:40):
He's a great dad, like there'snothing.
But I just knew I can'tdescribe it any other way and I
would, brian and I have alwayshad really open conversation.
So I would tell him that, Iwould literally tell him what
happened when I was reading thebook and just how I was feeling,
and he'd be like oh no, likewell, okay, like do you need to
talk about something?
And I'm like, no, I just have afeeling.
(28:01):
And then it was almost likepremonition and that was like
for years.
Like 10 years ago it startedand we've been divorced for
almost four years now and so Istarted communicating, like hey,
I'm just not feeling like I'llbe super honest, like Brian
won't mind.
We talk about this on mypodcast all the time, so I'm
(28:23):
super real and it kind of freakspeople out, so just edit out or
stop me or whatever.
But the big like thing for uswas like I'm a lot, I am very
strong, I am very opinionated,I'm the leader, I so I need
fucking alpha male energy, like.
And Brian is just not that.
(28:45):
It's not that, he's a masculine.
I actually think in many wayshe is very masculine because
he's so grounded and calm andyou know, whatever.
I think that's masculinebecause I'm over here with ADHD,
like flatten off the handle foreverything, and he was always
like not that way, but he justwasn't more than me.
(29:06):
I'm not his girl, he's not myguy.
Why this all happened, I don'tknow.
Maybe we should relook at whatwe think marriage is supposed to
be and what we thinkrelationships are supposed to be
, and are they really supposedto last forever, forever, and is
it a failure if they don't staythe same?
I don't think it is.
I have a very different outlookon marriage now and so, yeah,
(29:29):
we had started having theseconversations and I would just
say like I sometimes don't feelsafe, I sometimes don't feel
protected, because you're notmore than me, I'm more than you,
and it's just your personalityand it's just my personality.
So what do we do?
So we were like we went totherapy, we did all the things
and like we never really hadthese like awful, like fights or
anything, it was just thesereal conversations a lot.
(29:52):
And he was always like I'mnever going to leave you.
And I was like, well, I'm nevergoing to leave you.
This would be a discussion,this would be like a knowing,
and I don't think we should doanything until then.
And he was like agreed, and westayed that way for about four
years and we would just bring itup every once in a while, have
these conversations, just likeman, I'm just really feeling sad
(30:13):
.
I feel like this is going toend I don't know when and Brian
would just be like I don't wantthat, but I totally know what
you mean.
And like, we left the churchtogether.
We unraveled our religioustrauma together.
We went to therapy separate.
He worked with an amazing lifecoach for men for about two
years and really transformed andwent through a lot.
(30:33):
I was doing my owntransformation and it was like
we were growing separately andside by side, parallel, and then
it just made sense and on thattrip we literally went to his
cousin's wedding and on thattrip we just I just knew and
he's thanked me since then Likethank you for being the one to
say it, because I couldn't haveand that's my brings me to my
(30:55):
previous point my relationship.
Now my man will literally likecome up and put his hand on my
chin and be like try that again.
Don't say it like that.
Like we love and respect eachother, try that again.
I'm like, oh shit, but, but,like but, that's just a silly
example but like he, really like.
(31:23):
He is more than me, he isstronger than me, he is more
grounded than me, he is elite,like his personality.
He can handle me and nobodyever has been able to, and
that's just.
It's nothing against Brian atall and he knows that.
He tells me what.
I broke up with Sean a whileback and Brian was like what are
you doing?
Literally no one like he's likeyou're a cat, you're a unicorn,
like you're rare, but you are acertain way and there and he's
(31:44):
the oh, he's like you're a cat,you're a unicorn, like you're
rare, but you are a certain way.
And there and he's the oh, he'slike I've.
I have a lot of friends, I knowa lot of people.
There is no one else that'sgoing to be able to handle you
the way he handled you, like youare being so dumb right now.
He was like angry and he wasright.
So, yeah, I give you, I givethose stories and those examples
to kind of give you a betterpicture of how the divorce went
down.
And then like, becauseeveryone's always like why, why?
(32:06):
Like who cheated, who did Like?
Sometimes there's not big drama, sometimes you just grow and
you know and you're matureenough to do the right thing for
you.
Do you know how much of abetter mom I became when I
wasn't in a relationship that Iknew I shouldn't be in, even
though there was nothing majorwrong.
Do you know what happened to mybusiness?
(32:26):
Do you know what happened to meas a like, we are so much
happier when we're not marriedso much happier.
It is astronomically different,and that's just.
That's our situation.
It's not the same for everybody, but that's our situation.
Speaker 2 (32:43):
Man, I, so your personality.
I'm like nobody knows.
Like we obviously are attractedto each other for a reason,
because we are fiery.
No fucks given.
Like I'm very masculine and itis.
It's too much for people, it'stoo.
I mean, I don't have female,very many female friends.
Speaker 1 (33:00):
Yeah, we struggle with that naturally and it's a
lot of betrayal, a lot of hurtbeing misunderstood.
Speaker 2 (33:07):
Yeah, and then you add the whole, like the whole
church thing, and I'm still inMississippi.
So I'm in a town called Brandonwhere I feel I'm literally
living in a cookie cutter home.
All the kids dress the same.
My daughter is she's.
That's what's so funny, is sheshows up.
She's so much like me and she'sfiery.
And when I say fiery, fiery,she even dyed her hair like fire
(33:28):
red and right, and it's justlike she's gonna be the same way
.
So I'm curious.
First off, I just resonate sodeeply with your energy, with
your um, your mentality, yourmasculinity, because you've got
a lot of masculinity there, yeah.
And then the I'm too muchbecause I'm too much for people.
(33:50):
And he, my husband, says likehe knows he's learning how to,
um, to tell me I'm too muchbecause you tell me I'm too much
, I'm like you fucking think I'mtoo much, it's a trigger.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
It's a trigger Because we've always been told
that and we've always beenedited.
So I will say do not edit me.
And he will like stay grounded,stay firm, and like okay, and
like adjust.
Like he knows how to talk to meand I know how to talk to him.
This is.
I've just never had arelationship like this, because
Brian was my only relationship.
(34:21):
Think about that.
Like we met so young.
I never.
I didn't know there was anyother way.
So I think that played into methinking like well, it's just
going to be me.
And like I still have Brian inmy life, like if he gets
remarried or something.
Like I went down that road,like okay, well, like it's just
going to be me and I'm cool withthat.
So this relationship was veryshocking.
Speaker 2 (34:43):
I okay.
So, with all that being said,when you were telling your story
, you said some things and Imentioned my daughter and all
that, because I mean that's thesituation, that's a real life
shit.
I'm going through right now,trying to navigate it, and it is
a situation where it's like, asa mother, it feels like I'm
going to have to pick marriageor to raise my babies.
(35:07):
That's a situation like whenyou have so my son's dad, my
husband, is alive.
He's got mom and dad.
That's a blessing.
She's only got mom and she's gotall this shit going on.
So you said something when youwere talking about you and Brian
, and just that knowing.
But like for me it's like aguilt that if this doesn't work
(35:32):
out, like well, I say the samething.
Like I told him.
I said, if we get divorced, andhe says the same thing, I'm
just done, like I'll have afriend, you know what I mean.
Like, yeah, I'll have a friend,you know what I mean.
Like, yeah, I'll have a friend.
I'm like dude me too.
But, um, the thing I strugglewith is we do make a good team.
There is a yin and a yang, butI definitely am a lot.
(35:54):
He, he's the, he's the one thatlike, does the dishes and the
wife things.
I'm not good at it, I'm justnot never.
I mean just not.
But my question is is like, ifI not just me, but anybody
listening who is in thatsituation?
So for me, I've been in reallybad relationships.
(36:16):
They've not hit me and shit,but verbal abuse, mental abuse.
Speaker 1 (36:20):
When I was pregnant, he was not there.
He was out doing drugs, leavingme alone.
Speaker 2 (36:25):
So it's like I've been in bad relationships.
This is not a bad relationship,right, but there's guilt, like
and you said something about how, how the relationship doesn't,
like it's not supposed todissipate, but like it'll shift.
(36:45):
So I'm curious, how do younavigate?
Or how, like cause that's whatit feels like it's such an
important decision to navigate.
And when you, when there is nolike big grand, you know, he
just knocked me the fuck down tothe floor, he's been beaten's
been cheating on me.
How do you as a woman even cometo that level of strength, I
(37:10):
guess, to be able to go?
You know what there is.
It's not him, it's not even me,I'm just like evolving.
And how did you explain it?
Speaker 1 (37:19):
we were growing, growing parallel.
Yeah, everyone's always like,oh, you just grew apart, like we
didn't grow.
How did you explain it?
We were growing, growingparallel.
Yeah, we were like parallel.
Yeah, everyone's always like,oh, you just grew apart, like we
didn't grow apart.
We grew parallel, but it wasnever like.
I never, ever had that.
I don't even know how todescribe it because I don't want
it to.
It's not like oh, love, likefuck that, like you choose it
(37:42):
and it's something you embody.
And whatever I still do loveBrian, I always will.
But it was never like I reallybelieve.
And Brian said this first andit hurt my feelings at first,
but then I was like well, shit,I think you're right, and that's
what I felt too.
Our therapist told us that wetrauma bonded because of how we
(38:03):
were raised, in the school wewere in, and we just wanted to
get the fuck out and be on ourown and we were so controlled,
so controlled, and he's like Ihonestly just really think like,
not, that she's right.
Not only did we trauma bond,but like we got married and did
everything because we just likedeach other so much and we're
like you're.
So you get it.
You're my best friend.
I want to get the fuck out ofhere.
(38:28):
Let's just get married and thenwe can have our own life.
But we did not even really talkabout kids.
It was something that happenedand so I'm like now I'm looking
and I'm like, well, it'sbeautiful, like we had a family
together and I have a good dadfor my kids and he's so present
and he loves them so much, andnow they have two, because Sean
did not have any kidsbiologically and he's just
completely come, joined in andlike they go to him for certain
(38:52):
things and it's beautiful.
But it's like, of course, Ifelt guilty because of all of
that, like I didn't mean totrauma, bond with somebody and
then just get married and thenget pregnant and have kids and
then just be like peace, likethat's not what I did, but
that's how people talk about it,that's how they talk to me and
(39:13):
it hurts.
So it's like I yes, theparallel growth thing I would, I
just knew.
But of course I felt guiltybecause so many women wish they
had a man like that and butthat's not me and that's not on
me.
The other thing I want to tellyou, and everyone listening, is
(39:33):
fuck what you think we'resupposed to do?
Why your daughter going throughthis?
Like, why do you have tosuccumb to normal?
What a normal marriage lookslike Like?
Why can't you just if you needspace for your baby girl, take
space, get her out, take spacewith her.
It doesn't mean you have to getdivorced.
(39:54):
It doesn't mean you're notgoing to live together again.
It doesn't mean you even don'tlive.
Maybe there's I don't know yourhouse situation you could live
on a different level.
You could move.
You could Maybe there's I don'tknow your house situation you
could live on a different level.
You could move, you could.
What the fuck?
Like?
Do whatever you want.
I am so sick of like becauseI've had fear of like.
What if I get divorced again?
What is that going to meanabout me?
What is it?
And I tell that to Sean all thetime Like, oh my God, what if I
(40:18):
?
They're going to, they're goingto talk about me.
I'll be the problem.
They're going to shame me,they're going to slut shame me.
They're going to all thesethings.
And it's like fuck that.
We get to write our own story,we get to create the
relationship that we want.
And if there's something biglike that happening, you bet
your ass.
The man becomes less of apriority and I'm going to do
(40:38):
what my daughter and I need.
And if that is unconventionaland people don't understand it
and everyone's confused orclutching their pearls over the
oh, they're not living together,get the fuck away from me.
And that's the thing, too, withmental health.
And why I'm so passionate aboutthis for you right now is
because you're her mom.
(40:59):
For a reason, she needed you asa mom.
That's why she chose you beforeshe got here.
We're a mess girl.
Speaker 2 (41:11):
It's just a lot, because when you do come from,
you know like the background wecome from, where you're
spiritually abused, yep, andshamed.
Like my whole virginity wasshamed they had, I mean, they
conducted a whole sermon andnobody went up and prayed except
for, like they shamed me intorepenting for my sins, and so
(41:33):
there's so much trauma and likethis is what that little girl
wanted was this cookie cutterhome and to fit in.
And now that we're here and Isee her struggling with the
cookie cutterness of everythingbeing done, like watered down
and dumbed down, it's just likeyou, it's.
I needed to talk to you todayand we couldn't have planned the
(41:56):
timing of this or anything, andonly God knows right, like
what's going on right now.
But hearing everything you'resaying is just such confirmation
for me, because I've beenthinking about things like that,
like I don't, I don't want tojust get divorced without at
least trying, like could we live?
Speaker 1 (42:11):
in different homes.
I don't know why not.
Like that's what I'm saying.
Like, why not?
They're like and we're also ina movement right now where young
people are getting married andhaving their own rooms and it's
beautiful.
Like who was it?
Cameron Diaz was talking aboutthis, but Gen Z is doing this.
It's so beautiful.
(42:31):
Like I don't, why do we?
Why do we have to do it?
Like you're the person.
Sean is the person I want to dothis next part of my life with.
But why do we have to do it theway that everyone thinks we
have to do it?
Why did you get?
Like, if you're really marriedand you're really in a
partnership, then that means youare prioritizing what's
(42:53):
important to each of you andthat's going to shift and you're
going to take turns.
If he was going throughsomething really dark and really
hard with one of his, with hisboys from the other relationship
, you would be like what do weneed to do?
What do we need?
But why is only the woman, theflexible one, bending over
backwards for everybody?
Like no, if you need to takethe time, then you take the time
(43:15):
.
Speaker 2 (43:15):
Yeah, there's always a way to figure it out.
That that is, and I and I cansee that way, and I hope that he
can as well.
Right, but it's just immediaterejection.
That's what the other personhears is rejection.
You don't want to be with meand I just it's so hard to to
get through to someone when, ortell me the genders of your
(43:39):
babies you got four my daughter,my daughter 15, and she's my
only girl.
Speaker 1 (43:45):
And then I've got three boys.
Speaker 2 (43:46):
So then, okay, so imagine that's the situation
here.
It's four boys and one girl,and then on her dad's side she
has a stepbrother and ahalf-brother, so she's literally
the only fucking girl.
And then she's got a mom who'ssuper masculine, and then she's
got a stepdad who's never, everhad a girl, and all the boys are
mean to her.
(44:07):
They call her fat, they callher grenade, they're fucking
mean.
And then the kids at school arereally mean and she's trying to
figure out her identity andthey say things like grave, baby
, and just all these things.
And you mentioned theflexibility.
Like, yeah, I feel like I'm theone that has to be flexible,
and even bringing the situationup is uncomfortable, because I
immediately know this isn'tconventional and I'd like feel
(44:29):
the pressure immediately Likewhat would that make me look
like?
Because my dream, my dream, isright now, today, I would be
completely okay with taking herout, taking my other one out and
I want to buy a camper.
With taking her out, taking myother one out and us having I
want to buy a camper.
It's like he, because he needsto be here.
I've done that.
Really, he needs oh my God, wegot to talk about that then but
(44:51):
he needs to be here for his boysand I get that.
I respect his relationship withhis ex-wife enough to know that
like he's got to stay planted.
But my big thing with Finley, mydaughter, when her mom, when
her dad was alive, was, I felt,stuck.
I couldn't do that.
I couldn't pick up and go.
So it's just like where itfeels.
Like if you do it, if you eventry to be unconventional, like,
(45:15):
let's say that we you know, I doget a camper and I take the
kids and I homeschool them, andthen we come back and like and
he sees his dad.
I would love that, would be socool to just test and see if
everybody was happier that way.
But I just already know that itwould feel like immediate
rejection, you know, to theother person and everybody's
going to assume, oh, they'redivorced, they're getting
(45:36):
divorced or they hate each other, and so it's just like it's all
mindfuck, yeah, and so it'sjust like, yeah, it's like all
of this there's.
Speaker 1 (45:45):
This is why, like I love the techniques that I do
because all of that worry andall the stuff you're holding
goes away.
Like I would recommend EFT toyou.
It will clear like, yeah,tapping OK, it will literally
clear like I mean it will begone, that you just will stop
(46:06):
caring what they think.
But yeah, it's like fuck whatthey think, fuck what you think
you should be doing, or worryingabout what they're gonna say.
This is an extreme situation,so it calls for extreme moves
and you can't.
You can communicate to yourhusband like this is what's
going on with Finley.
This is what I'm feeling withFinley.
This is what I'm feeling.
Lett is her mom.
This is what it like.
Can I just take a break?
(46:26):
Can I just take her out?
I think she just needs a break.
Can I just go explore with herfor like a few weeks and just do
this thing, and can we juststay connected?
Can we just?
I feel like in my bones I don'twant this to turn into an awful
story Like I think we need totake her out of this.
Speaker 2 (46:44):
If he takes that as rejection girl.
Speaker 1 (46:47):
you didn't say anything that was rejecting Like
that.
You can't, even though the oneswe love the most we cannot take
responsibility for how theyperceive what we say.
We can only control ourselves,our intentions and our words,
and that literally had nothingto do with him.
So if he took it that way,that's an issue he needs to work
through.
Yeah, just because you'remarried doesn't mean you're like
(47:11):
now.
I have to carry every singlethought and emotion you ever
have and change what I know isright for me.
A court like that's not reallove, that's fucking codependent
no, you're so.
No, you're so fucking right,you're so right and it's just,
it's something I'm gonna have,I'll get a, I'll work through
and we'll figure it out um yeah,but I just want you to know
(47:33):
like I see you and I can feel itin you and how heavy it is and
so heavy I know you need to makethis lighter for yourself and
you need support every way youcan get it.
And you need to take a secondto think about what you need to
do.
And everybody listening, likeeveryone has something in their
(47:55):
life at some point that feelslike this, even if the details
are different, like you have todo what you know you need to do
and a partner is supposed to bewith you for that.
And if they won't, then theywere only going to be your
partner if you were typical andyou're not typical.
Speaker 2 (48:16):
Yeah, that's what I'm finding.
That's what I'm finding.
It's so funny because I,whenever I got out of
Mississippi we moved afterHurricane Katrina and I was 16
moving to New York city that youtake a Southern at church girl
and put her in the big apple.
Yeah, I learned a lot.
I learned a lot fast.
(48:38):
And what's funny is maybe youhave like a hot take on this,
but what is it about the 30s,mid 30s, where you were just
like I mean, I think I startover.
I got to start over, but it'sjust like this unfuck with like
I know, I know now it has beenso hard and he's, he is so great
(48:59):
and he has loved me, I wouldsay unconditionally and I think
we will continue to.
But it's like there is this Idon't know if it's 35, almost 40
.
Maybe it's all the grief, allthe loss.
Maybe it's the now that I'mfully owning who I am and being
unapologetic about that andstarting to make money and being
successful.
I don't know.
The show's starting to get bigand I'm just, as you see,
(49:24):
sitting in some fucking socks onmy whole ass concrete floor.
You see my bed.
Like I don't care, I know likeI've, I know who the fuck I am
now and that's really that'ssomething I want to maybe end
with is like which, which?
When did that happen for you?
Because, like I know, we'veknown who we are, but it was, as
you said earlier, like editedand watered down and you didn't
(49:44):
know you were allowed to be thismuch.
Yeah, did it start hitting you,like in your 30s?
Speaker 1 (50:01):
Was it some big event ?
It wasn't a big event for meand I that I was going to lose
pretty much everybody that hadbeen in my circle my whole life.
And I did, including thecloseness I had with my best
friend that I've had since I wasseven years old.
And because you're taught like,oh, if they're not in the folds
(50:23):
, then like they're lost and soyou can't like, hey, it's a cult
.
Speaker 2 (50:25):
It is.
Thank you for saying that.
Speaker 1 (50:27):
Yeah, but I would say like.
So, when I turned 35, the littlepresent I got myself was this
ring that says unfuckwithable,which I love, because you just
said that I love that and itjust like something shifted.
Something shifted and I hadbeen through so much, like 33 to
34 was me still trying to holdonto the old identity, still
trying like, uh, brian and Iwere not together anymore, but I
(50:48):
didn't tell anyone, we didn'ttell anyone, not even my parents
, which is like basically hisparents too, like he, his family
is over here and my family isour family.
And, um, we didn't even tellthem, like no one knew, cause we
were so chill with each other,like whatever, and yeah, we just
I didn't want to tell them.
I did the thing, but I didn'twant to tell anyone.
(51:10):
And I was holding on to thatold identity, staying fake,
staying vanilla, making surethat I was still appearing to
please everybody.
I was learning about neurolingu, neuro-linguistic programming
and psycho-cybernetics and thepower of crystals and all these
different things that were likeevil, dark, yeah, and so I was
(51:31):
hiding everything.
I would hide books when myparents would come over, I would
like hide books, like.
And then when I was 35, I hadbeen, I had gone through like so
much and I just was like fuckthis, I am so done hiding.
It's exhausting.
And so now, like I choose whatI share, like that's why you
(51:52):
probably didn't realize that Iwas in a committed relationship,
because I'm very private aboutthat.
I really like that new level ofprivacy.
Like I wear my ring but Ihaven't said shit.
Like no, but everyone like istrying to figure it out and I
like that try to.
Speaker 2 (52:06):
I I'm not gonna, yeah you have that's so special to
you.
I love, and I love that I thinkwe've made it this long because
he doesn't have social media,he doesn't do all those things
and, like I'm, I keep himprivate.
I keep like I told him I saidyou get like one post a year,
man, and that's and that's happyanniversary and you don't even
see that shit.
But like my stepkids, I keepthat private.
(52:29):
Even my kids.
I barely post them right, likeit's just not, people don't
realize, yeah, until they listento my stuff.
Speaker 1 (52:37):
Not their business.
That's how it should be,because that's not the point of
what I'm here to do.
I'm here to help women simplifytheir lives, make things
clearer, lighter, better andrewire the shit that's keeping
them stuck in these patterns.
So why do I have to be like, oh, today we had an argument and
it went like this.
But I'm not like.
The people that post about therelationships are always the
(52:57):
ones that end up angry, divorcedand are miserable secretly.
The more you talk about yourrelationship, the more you're
faking it.
Speaker 2 (53:06):
Oh, my God, thank you .
I did not realize that until Imarried this man.
All the other times I wanted tobrag, I wanted to put him out
there like, but it was becausethose relationships were empty
as fog.
Speaker 1 (53:19):
Yeah, you're trying to prove if I get enough likes
you're trying, andsubconsciously it is a safety
thing.
You're trying to prove it toyourself.
Speaker 2 (53:27):
Dude, that makes so much sense.
All right, this has been reallygood, but I know you gotta go
Shit.
Speaker 1 (53:35):
I know this is you're so easy to talk to.
Speaker 2 (53:37):
This is such a vibe, thank you so much.
It means like it means theworld to me, the little church
girl.
That was like sitting in thecorner, afraid to even wear
black because I thought I wasgoing to hell same um and and
the the purity thing like.
Speaker 1 (53:53):
Oh my god, I feel like we could have like five
episodes together on just allthe fucking trauma let's fucking
chat again that's what we needto do yes, for sure, um, but
before you hop off, telleverybody where to find you.
Well, now that I'm risen backfrom my Lazarus to back to
Instagram, I love how you end itwith the Bible reference.
(54:16):
Yeah, I knew you would get it.
My kids the other day were likewho's Lazarus?
Though I was like hallelujah,thank you, that's a good sign.
I'm on Instagram.
It's Allie underscore.
That's me.
You can DM me.
You can like to personallyconnect with me there.
But then, yeah, go to thewebsite AllieCasazacom.
(54:38):
Kind of choose your ownadventure.
If you're a fempreneur, I'vegot so much for you.
If you just want to improveyour life and kind of more
lifestyle mindset stuff, I'mlike the queen of freebies and
they're really fucking good.
I take a lot of pride in myfree lead magnets, like they are
paid product worthy.
So go, it's aliexpresscom.
(54:59):
Slash free shit.
Oh, of course it is.
Speaker 2 (55:03):
Allie.
Speaker 1 (55:03):
Oh my God, Go get yourself what you need and get
supported.
I love you and I'm so happy towelcome you guys into my
community.
Thank you for having me.
Speaker 2 (55:13):
You're amazing.
Thank you for being here,because I told you you're on my
chicken list and I was likescared shitless to even message
you.
Speaker 1 (55:19):
Oh, how no.
I'm so glad you did and we willdo this again.
Speaker 2 (55:24):
This is so good You're, you're just you're.
You're so good woman, you're sogood Um, have a great live.
Is this going to be on?
Speaker 1 (55:29):
Instagram.
Um, no, it's in the thechallenge community and my
private thing.
But yeah, I was like I'll justcome hang out.
Yeah, I will.
I do need to do an Instagramlive soon, though.
Thank you for reminding me.
Okay, Well, you're welcome.
Well, I love you and I'm soglad we connected.
Speaker 2 (55:47):
Yeah, same, same, same same, and I'll shoot the
show later.
Yeah, okay, bye, have a goodday, bye.
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