September 27, 2025 • 25 mins
Ever had a song transport you back to childhood, unlocking memories both beautiful and painful? That's exactly what happened when Tracy Chapman's soulful voice came through my speakers during a solo road trip to Phoenix. What began as a simple drive turned into a profound journey through the landscape of family relationships, healing, and the courage to share our stories authentically.
The catalyst was a recent "rupture" with my mother—one of those conversations that leaves you raw, questioning everything. Her comment that I'd "forgotten where I came from" initially stung but ultimately sparked deep reflection. Had I truly forgotten? Or was I simply trying to forge my own path while carrying the complicated legacy of my upbringing?
Driving through Texas with miles of open road ahead, memories flooded back: my mother playing Tracy Chapman albums, trying to create normalcy amidst chaos, handmaking costumes when money was tight despite my father's wealth. I remembered witnessing domestic violence, feeling the weight of knowing too much as a child, and the ongoing search for approval that still affects my relationships today. These patterns don't disappear—they transform, appearing in new relationships unless we consciously work to heal them.
This podcast explores the tension between honoring our roots and defining ourselves on our own terms. I believe sharing our stories helps others feel less alone in their struggles. When I was at my lowest points, strangers on social media who vulnerably shared similar experiences gave me hope and validation. That's why I refuse to be silenced—by family, in-laws, or anyone uncomfortable with authentic expression.
Whether you're navigating difficult family dynamics, healing from childhood wounds, or finding the courage to share your own story, remember this: you can acknowledge where you came from without being limited by it. Your perspective matters, even when it differs from others'. And sometimes, the most healing moments come unexpectedly—through a song on the radio, a long drive, or the courage to finally speak your truth.
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Disclaimer: This podcast is for entertainment and informational purposes only. The views, opinions, and discussions expressed by the hosts and guests are their own and do not constitute professional advice or services. Listeners should not rely on the content as a substitute for consultation with qualified professionals in areas such as medical, legal, financial, or mental health matters. Always seek the advice of an appropriate licensed professional for any questions or concerns you may have.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:01):
Hello, hello, Jacqueline here from Just Women
Talking Shit coming to you frommy truck or my husband's truck.
We you know when you're married,you call everything ours, so
we're gonna go with it's mytruck.
But I am on the interstateheaded to Phoenix for my third
(00:22):
annual retreat for females whoto be honest are just weird like
me who are looking to makefriends who you know might feel
like black sheep, or we all cometogether once a year, and I pick
a different location each yearfor us to come together and do
some healing work to makefriends to see the city that
(00:44):
we're in, um, and just letloose, but in a healthy, fun way
where we create memories.
So I've got a lot of windshieldtime, if you know what I mean.
I'm driving from Mississippi,I'm currently in Texas, and I'm
headed to Phoenix, Arizona.
So I've got the GPS says roughlya little under 16 hours left to
(01:07):
drive.
And I've been going back andforth, back and forth with
podcasts, back and forth withlike types of music, listening
to books, all the things, right?
So this morning I was onInstagram, and whenever I hopped
on, I have like a music accountwhere I sing because that's one
of my that's like one of thethings I love to do and I need
(01:30):
to start doing more of.
Like I really feel like I'mmeant to tell stories through
songs, but that's neither herenor there.
I scrolled across a video ofTracy Chapman singing Give Me
One Reason in 1989 on SNL.
So Saturday Night Live, forthose who don't know what that
(01:53):
is, and it like it shook mebecause that's the year I was
born, right?
And Tracy Chapman is one of mybiggest influences when it comes
to music, like the soul, thegrit, the storytelling, the
deepness of her voice.
(02:14):
Like, I am pure alto through andthrough.
I've got some range, but like II take pride in having a very
deep voice when it comes tosinging.
My grandmother, God rest hersoul.
I called her Nani, but her namewas Peggy Sue.
She sang gospel, and she had oneof the deepest female voices,
and it was one of the mostbeautiful things.
(02:36):
I've actually probably to thisday the most beautiful voice
I've ever heard.
I get I'm getting chill bumpsand I'm getting emotional
thinking about it.
Now, all this backstory to saythat I've always been a singer,
I've always loved music, but ithas to stem from somewhere.
And recently, uh I it's allgonna tie together soon, I
(02:59):
promise.
Recently, you know, my mom and Igot into this really it really
upset me.
I was not right for a few days,and they call them in you know,
relationships, whenever it comesto psychology, they're called
ruptures.
And sometimes we have a rupturein our relationships based on
(03:19):
you know the stressors on itcould be both sides, one side,
it could feel very one-sided.
Uh, one person's going throughsomething, the other person
isn't.
Maybe they're both going throughsomething, don't know how to ask
for help, but there'smiscommunication and there's
buildup until somebody ruptures.
And so we had a rupture a coupleweeks ago, and it freaking it
(03:41):
really hurt me.
And some of the things she saidI understood.
However, I like and it's reallyhard to not take them
personally, even when somebodysays, Don't you know, like, I
don't I don't mean to be mean orwhatever, but like it comes off
that way, and so I was I wasjust a wreck.
I'm crying to my husband, I'mlike feeling like I can never do
(04:03):
anything right.
All my childhood issues startcoming out, my neglect issues,
uh, the abandonment issues I'vebeen working on for a long time,
and it was very evident in thatmoment that my mother wound, my
parent wound in general is stillvery wide open.
However, there's something shesaid now, without getting too
(04:27):
much into our private issues,there's something she said, and
it just hit me a little bit onthis drive because of Tracy
Chapman.
And she said something which shegot her feelings hurt over some
business things that I'm doingthat you know she thought she
was gonna be part of, but again,miscommunication, not keeping in
(04:49):
touch, like I'm a planner, I Ilike if I say I'm gonna do
something, I'm gonna do it.
I don't just talk about it andthen bring it up months later.
Like, I have a plan and I'mworking on it, and so with this
mute communic miscommunication,she thought she was um coming on
this retreat with me, but Ihadn't heard from her literally
in months.
(05:10):
So it was it for me, it was shecouldn't go, you know.
Her husband has uh cancer, so Iespecially thought she couldn't
go because well, I wouldn't wantto leave my husband, I don't
think, but I I was under theimpression she couldn't leave
because of his condition.
So anyway, I didn't want to likethrow salt in a wound and and
(05:31):
keep bringing it up, but anyway,miscommunication.
SPEAKER_00 (05:34):
And in this miles, take the exit to Marge onto
I635.
SPEAKER_01 (05:39):
In this rupture that we had, she said to me that I
must have forgotten where I gotall this influence from.
Like the music, the thespiritualness, like the
spirituality, and like thethings that I'm interested in.
And you know, I haven't reallystopped and thought about that
(06:00):
because of there there is still,I think, deep down some
resentment.
Like my child, my inner child isvery resentful towards my
parents because I feel like Ididn't get a childhood, and you
know, I I've I know now as aparent, like we do the best we
can with the you know the thematerials we have, the resources
(06:23):
we have, um, and with theknowledge we have, right?
However, it's real easy to kindof throw that under the rug and
forget where you did come from.
So I say all that to say, TracyChapman, my mother used to
listen to Tracy Chapman all thetime when I was growing up.
(06:46):
All the time.
I never would have known aboutTracy Chapman without my mother.
And she wound up being one of mybiggest influences ever.
Music.
Like I still listen to her.
And I was listening to TracyChapman this morning, dancing in
the mirror, you know, hangingout in the hotel by myself,
which is if you're a mom and youlike we have five kids between
(07:06):
the two of us, so a mom of five.
And we both work from home, sowe spend a lot of time at home
together, and then you know thatlike that's sacred time.
So I'm dancing, I'm having agood old time, and then one of
Tracy Chapman's songs, since I'malready on like this Tracy
Chapman gig, because it put mein a good mood, right?
(07:27):
Uh her song Fast Car came onwhile I'm leaving Texas to head
to Phoenix.
And I'm sitting here in thetruck driving in my fast car,
singing this song, and I want toget emotional.
All of a sudden, I do have theseflashbacks of when my mom, in my
(07:53):
mind, in my child's mind, whenmy mom was good, when she loved
me, when she showed me she lovedme, when she made time for me.
And I think back now, and thosewere the times when you know my
dad either wasn't there or whenhe was there, he was beating the
shit out of her.
Like an inch from life.
(08:14):
He, you know, I've I've walkedin on terrible situations.
I remember clutching the phonethinking I'm gonna have to call
the cops or an ambulance becauseI'm scared my mom's gonna die.
Um and those were the times whenshe tried so hard not to let me
know or let us know.
I think she knew that I knew.
(08:35):
She always knew I knew, and Ialways carried that burden of I
know too much and I protected mysiblings.
But that song just took me backinto this one house
specifically.
Actually, there's two houseswhere I just had the best
memories, and these were thetimes when she was trying so
(08:57):
hard to not let us know howfucked up our reality really
was.
And that song just took me backto the memories, like the really
good memories of when she wouldlike handmake our costumes.
We we couldn't afford it, like Imean, we could, but we couldn't.
(09:18):
I say that because my dad had ashit ton of money, but he made
us live like we were absolutelyimpoverished.
He left us for months at a timewith nothing.
And my mom had to do what shecould.
And it was like one of thesituations where you're scared
to ask for money, right?
He got to spend it all, he gotto have the fun.
(09:40):
Um, with prostitutes, withdrugs, with you know, just
living this lavish life.
And saying all this out loudreally is it's it's getting to
me because I'm realizing howdeeply ingrained it is.
Like my my obsession with money,my you know, like being scared
of money, but also feeling likeI need it, but also feeling
(10:02):
guilty, like and then just theabandonment issues are rising to
the surface again.
But at the end of the day,there's there's no denying where
I came from.
And I don't want to be ashamedof that.
I think that you know, my motherthinks I'm ashamed of her.
(10:24):
I'm not ashamed.
I'm not embarrassed.
None of that.
I I just this is kind of mystory, you know, and I get to
tell it how I want to tell it,and I get to express it how I
want to express it respectfully.
With respect, right?
Like I will never bash.
I don't want to bash anybody.
(10:46):
I don't care how much a personhurts me or what my feelings are
towards them, I respectfully getto share my truth, and I think
it's really easy to get caughtup in not being authentically
honest with your truth,especially when it comes to
(11:08):
social media.
Like, I think healing, part ofthe healing journey, I don't
think you're ever healed.
I think that you are in aforever state of healing because
well, life just it will alwaysfind a way to get you down.
You will always experiencesadness of some sort.
Um, and there's probably gonnaalways be some void or something
(11:29):
that you're chasing.
That's why people really rely onreligion and faith, and because
they want to feel complete.
And so the rupture happened, andit had me sad, and I think it
had her sad.
I apologized.
I don't want, you know, andthat's probably I don't know if
that's the best thing for me todo is to be the person who
(11:51):
always apologizes becausetypically I'll apologize to
others, and they don't apologizeto me.
They're just like, oh, I loveyou too.
Well, okay.
But I'm here to take, I'm hereto take accountability for my
actions, and this song justreally triggered that reminder
in me that I think every mama II can't speak for all of them,
(12:16):
but I want to, I like to believethat mothers do want what's best
for their children, andsometimes they don't know how to
relay that.
Um and I just I want so badlyfor all of you to, even if your
mom, your dad, whoever in yourstory, maybe it's a partner, or
(12:38):
you know, even in-laws, if youwant to share your story and you
feel like you're not allowed to,or that you're gonna be
silenced, or what are peoplegonna say?
I just want to remind you thatI'm out here sharing my story,
and my parents are still alive.
They don't like it, they don'tlike it because they assume that
(13:02):
people will think bad of them,but I'm not here to I'm not here
to to shift blame on anybody.
I'm here to take accountabilityfor my feelings, for the
feelings I have, and I'm sortingthrough them.
And sometimes in this journey oftrying your best to just put
your best foot forward, heal alittle bit each day, be able to
(13:25):
wake up without that, you know,overwhelming nervous feeling in
your stomach.
Like, this is for me.
This is so that my kids feellike they can talk to me.
Me being able to share my storyand be honest about my feelings
in a respectful way is notdiscrediting where I came from.
(13:46):
I genuinely hope that everyonewho knows me, whether you like
me or not, knows that I'm hereto help.
I'm not here to cast judgment.
I really don't want.
I hate that people don't likeme.
I'll be honest, I hate that.
My abandonment issues and thechildhood neglect and the trauma
(14:08):
that I've experienced as achild, as a young adult, even as
an adult, really wants me to beliked by everyone.
It fucking shatters me that Idon't have a close relationship
with my husband's family.
It shatters me that I didn'thave a closer relationship with
(14:30):
my daughter's dad before hepassed away.
I I really don't like that, youknow, the way things have turned
out between my daughter's umstepmom and me.
Like, I don't like any of it.
I wish that we were all a big,happy family.
I I wish that my husband's, youknow, like the co-parents of my
(14:51):
uh stepchildren, I wish that wewere all friends.
Like it it aggravates me, itbothers me, but at some point,
like we have to just relinquishthis, relinquish this control of
what other people are gonnathink and how they're gonna feel
about us and share our truthsanyway.
(15:16):
Because everybody, everybody'sgonna have a different
perspective, everyone's gonnahave different feelings towards
what you see as your reality.
But that's the thing, is thatreality is based on perception,
and your perception can becompletely different than
someone else's.
But at the core, it's about howdo you feel?
How do you feel when you layyour head down each night?
(15:37):
Are you at peace?
And so, whenever I think aboutthis rupture with my mom, when I
think about this song, when Ithink about the good memories,
when I think about theheartache, and just the constant
search for approval that I amnot even aware of.
Like, I still do this, I stillsearch for approval with my mom.
(15:59):
I don't I don't have arelationship with my dad, but
that has kind of trickled intomy relationship with my husband,
searching and seeking approvalthrough him.
Um, it used to be seekingapproval through social media.
Now I'm just like, fuck it.
People are gonna think what theywant to think.
There will always be somebodywho does not agree with me.
(16:22):
But I know in my heart ofhearts, and with my intention,
that sharing my story helpsother people.
It's brave, it's courageous.
I'm not throwing anybody underthe bus.
I'm just sharing real life shit.
People don't get along withtheir in-laws, people do have
(16:43):
toxic relationships withco-parents.
People do die, like you know, mydaughter's dad, and then we have
survivor's guilt.
We have regret.
I could have done better, Icould have not been as big of a
bitch.
Like, these are real lifethings, and I need it.
I needed this reminder, I neededthat rupture, I think.
(17:04):
I needed my mom to just kind oflose it on me and say, I think
you forgot where you came from.
You know, now I don't like whenpeople try to take credit for my
success.
That's not cool.
Like, I'll never take credit formy kids' success.
I'll be so happy for all hersuccess, all his success, but
I'm learning.
I'm learning how I don't want mykids to think about me and feel
(17:26):
about me through the ways that Ithink and feel about others.
And I think at the end of theday, all I can do and all you
can do if you're listening tothis and you face this or you
face it in the future is toremember who the fuck you are.
Remember your your true heart'sintention and don't let people
get in your head about that.
(17:47):
Because social media will get inyour head, you know.
It happens.
It it happened, it happened onwhen I posted my anniversary
post.
I got a nasty text from fromin-laws on my um you know my
husband's side asking me to takestuff like quit.
SPEAKER_00 (18:06):
Tell me about 10 miles, take exit 27B to merge
onto I-35E towards Denton.
SPEAKER_01 (18:13):
Quit talking about our family.
Acting like they've tried tomake an attempt, uh, a
relationship with me, with myson.
And it that's not that's notthat's not my truth.
Well, why should I not share thereal life things that are
happening so that people don'tfeel alone?
Because I and I I tell myhusband this all the time, he he
(18:35):
he has these wise cracks aboutsocial media people who that's
his thing, is he doesn't havesocial media and he says, Well,
if you don't have social mediaand won't stress you out, yada
yada yada, sure.
Like, I'm not scrolling socialmedia to get a fix, a dopamine
fix anymore.
But when I did, when I wasreally struggling, I cannot tell
(18:58):
you how many strangers sharingtheir stories helped me through
some of the roughest times of mylife to know I wasn't alone, to
know that I was-stayed the rightfour lanes.
To know that I wasn't alone, toknow that these feelings were
valid, and to know that otherpeople had this kind of shit
(19:19):
happening too gave me hope.
And so I won't be silenced, Iwon't be silenced by my parents,
I won't be silenced by myhusband, won't be silenced by my
children, won't be silenced byanybody.
No, I'm over it.
I think you should be over ittoo if you feel called to share
(19:40):
your testimony, to share whatyou know you've been through, to
share your faith, to share yourstory.
I think it's super, superimportant for the human in you
to find that that level offulfillment.
And I think that my personalopinion, my personal belief is
that God heals and speaksthrough our stories.
(20:03):
Like your life and your youknow, your trials, your
tribulations, everything you'vebeen through.
I don't think it was fornothing.
And so share that, share that inthe most respectful way.
Don't throw people under thebus.
Be respectful, but do not waver,don't forget where you came
(20:24):
from, but also don't let thatdefine you.
You know, if you come from ashit family, it's okay to honor
and respect and like accept thatand be aware that okay, I come
from like a family that I don'tlike.
I might not have picked them,their habits, their beliefs, how
they brought me up, but to knowthat like you can't deny where
(20:45):
you came from, but that you canpick what serves you.
And I needed that reminder.
I needed that reminder from mymom, I needed that reminder on
this trip.
I needed to stumble across that1989 Tracy Chapman debut of
Gimme One Reason, and that's oneof the songs that I play.
I don't play like I'm not a bigfan of playing a bunch of
covers, but y'all, I will coverthe shit out of some Tracy
(21:08):
Chapman.
Um, just so much soul, so much.
Oh, her music is so good.
Um I just needed, I needed allthat, and I couldn't have
planned how that was gonna comethrough.
I think that's one of the coolthings about energy, about God,
about source, is the like whenyou're least resisting, like
(21:33):
when you're driving or doingdishes or taking a shit, is when
things might click for you.
And it could be the smell ofsomething, could be a song that
comes on, it could be just youknow the a feeling in the air
that makes you remember whereyou came from, reminds you of
(21:54):
where you've been, but alsoreminds you of where you don't
want to go again.
Uh, and I think it's importantto always honor that.
Always honor the the hustle andthe hurdles that got you here,
but to know that they don'tdefine you and that you don't
have to be silent, that you canshare all of this in a
respectful way from a place ofpower.
(22:17):
People are gonna get theirfeelings hurt, people are gonna
have things to say, but again,the the the biggest thing is
here here is respect.
You can respectfully say we justwe see this differently, we have
different perspectives, it'snothing against you, I don't
call you out by name, I don't doany of that, you know.
People in my world don't knowwho you are.
This is a story, it's a storythat's helping others, and I I
(22:40):
can't deprive people of that.
Because secretly everybody wantsto share their story too.
Everybody wants to be able tofeel fulfilled and feel like
they have a great greaterpurpose, and um some of us are
brave enough to to step intothat and share those stories
publicly, and some of us aren't,but just reminding you that even
(23:03):
if even if your mama or yourdaddy or your grandmama tells
you don't talk about that, why?
Why are people asking you not totalk about it?
That's the bigger question.
And can you live with yourselfif you don't talk about it?
So I'll never forget where Icame from.
Mad respect to my mom.
(23:23):
The older I get and the moredifficult uh raising these kids
and being in a healthy like thisis the first real healthy
relationship I've been in.
Like, it is all very hard.
I've wanted to give up severaltimes.
I can see the temptation in alot of things.
Um I respect I respect the fuckout of her.
(23:48):
Don't always have to agree withyour parents, don't always have
to agree with you know thepeople around you, but we can
still respect each other.
Um and I think that's the mostimportant thing at the end of
the day is can we respectfullydisagree and still find love?
(24:09):
Because love is worth fightingfor, love is worth communicating
in a healthy way, love is worthsharing your story, helping
others heal, and still gettingto hug that person at the end of
the day.
So I love you, I love you somuch.
I won't be silenced, you don'tbe silenced.
(24:30):
Go out there and do your damnthing, you know, start the
movement, be a leader, write thebook, start the podcast, start
posting content, do the fuckingthing.
Don't forget where you camefrom, but don't let it define
you.
Hello, hello, Jacqueline here from Just Women
Talking Shit coming to you frommy truck or my husband's truck.
We you know when you're married,you call everything ours, so
we're gonna go with it's mytruck.
But I am on the interstateheaded to Phoenix for my third
(00:22):
annual retreat for females whoto be honest are just weird like
me who are looking to makefriends who you know might feel
like black sheep, or we all cometogether once a year, and I pick
a different location each yearfor us to come together and do
some healing work to makefriends to see the city that
(00:44):
we're in, um, and just letloose, but in a healthy, fun way
where we create memories.
So I've got a lot of windshieldtime, if you know what I mean.
I'm driving from Mississippi,I'm currently in Texas, and I'm
headed to Phoenix, Arizona.
So I've got the GPS says roughlya little under 16 hours left to
(01:07):
drive.
And I've been going back andforth, back and forth with
podcasts, back and forth withlike types of music, listening
to books, all the things, right?
So this morning I was onInstagram, and whenever I hopped
on, I have like a music accountwhere I sing because that's one
of my that's like one of thethings I love to do and I need
(01:30):
to start doing more of.
Like I really feel like I'mmeant to tell stories through
songs, but that's neither herenor there.
I scrolled across a video ofTracy Chapman singing Give Me
One Reason in 1989 on SNL.
So Saturday Night Live, forthose who don't know what that
(01:53):
is, and it like it shook mebecause that's the year I was
born, right?
And Tracy Chapman is one of mybiggest influences when it comes
to music, like the soul, thegrit, the storytelling, the
deepness of her voice.
(02:14):
Like, I am pure alto through andthrough.
I've got some range, but like II take pride in having a very
deep voice when it comes tosinging.
My grandmother, God rest hersoul.
I called her Nani, but her namewas Peggy Sue.
She sang gospel, and she had oneof the deepest female voices,
and it was one of the mostbeautiful things.
(02:36):
I've actually probably to thisday the most beautiful voice
I've ever heard.
I get I'm getting chill bumpsand I'm getting emotional
thinking about it.
Now, all this backstory to saythat I've always been a singer,
I've always loved music, but ithas to stem from somewhere.
And recently, uh I it's allgonna tie together soon, I
(02:59):
promise.
Recently, you know, my mom and Igot into this really it really
upset me.
I was not right for a few days,and they call them in you know,
relationships, whenever it comesto psychology, they're called
ruptures.
And sometimes we have a rupturein our relationships based on
(03:19):
you know the stressors on itcould be both sides, one side,
it could feel very one-sided.
Uh, one person's going throughsomething, the other person
isn't.
Maybe they're both going throughsomething, don't know how to ask
for help, but there'smiscommunication and there's
buildup until somebody ruptures.
And so we had a rupture a coupleweeks ago, and it freaking it
(03:41):
really hurt me.
And some of the things she saidI understood.
However, I like and it's reallyhard to not take them
personally, even when somebodysays, Don't you know, like, I
don't I don't mean to be mean orwhatever, but like it comes off
that way, and so I was I wasjust a wreck.
I'm crying to my husband, I'mlike feeling like I can never do
(04:03):
anything right.
All my childhood issues startcoming out, my neglect issues,
uh, the abandonment issues I'vebeen working on for a long time,
and it was very evident in thatmoment that my mother wound, my
parent wound in general is stillvery wide open.
However, there's something shesaid now, without getting too
(04:27):
much into our private issues,there's something she said, and
it just hit me a little bit onthis drive because of Tracy
Chapman.
And she said something which shegot her feelings hurt over some
business things that I'm doingthat you know she thought she
was gonna be part of, but again,miscommunication, not keeping in
(04:49):
touch, like I'm a planner, I Ilike if I say I'm gonna do
something, I'm gonna do it.
I don't just talk about it andthen bring it up months later.
Like, I have a plan and I'mworking on it, and so with this
mute communic miscommunication,she thought she was um coming on
this retreat with me, but Ihadn't heard from her literally
in months.
(05:10):
So it was it for me, it was shecouldn't go, you know.
Her husband has uh cancer, so Iespecially thought she couldn't
go because well, I wouldn't wantto leave my husband, I don't
think, but I I was under theimpression she couldn't leave
because of his condition.
So anyway, I didn't want to likethrow salt in a wound and and
(05:31):
keep bringing it up, but anyway,miscommunication.
SPEAKER_00 (05:34):
And in this miles, take the exit to Marge onto
I635.
SPEAKER_01 (05:39):
In this rupture that we had, she said to me that I
must have forgotten where I gotall this influence from.
Like the music, the thespiritualness, like the
spirituality, and like thethings that I'm interested in.
And you know, I haven't reallystopped and thought about that
(06:00):
because of there there is still,I think, deep down some
resentment.
Like my child, my inner child isvery resentful towards my
parents because I feel like Ididn't get a childhood, and you
know, I I've I know now as aparent, like we do the best we
can with the you know the thematerials we have, the resources
(06:23):
we have, um, and with theknowledge we have, right?
However, it's real easy to kindof throw that under the rug and
forget where you did come from.
So I say all that to say, TracyChapman, my mother used to
listen to Tracy Chapman all thetime when I was growing up.
(06:46):
All the time.
I never would have known aboutTracy Chapman without my mother.
And she wound up being one of mybiggest influences ever.
Music.
Like I still listen to her.
And I was listening to TracyChapman this morning, dancing in
the mirror, you know, hangingout in the hotel by myself,
which is if you're a mom and youlike we have five kids between
(07:06):
the two of us, so a mom of five.
And we both work from home, sowe spend a lot of time at home
together, and then you know thatlike that's sacred time.
So I'm dancing, I'm having agood old time, and then one of
Tracy Chapman's songs, since I'malready on like this Tracy
Chapman gig, because it put mein a good mood, right?
(07:27):
Uh her song Fast Car came onwhile I'm leaving Texas to head
to Phoenix.
And I'm sitting here in thetruck driving in my fast car,
singing this song, and I want toget emotional.
All of a sudden, I do have theseflashbacks of when my mom, in my
(07:53):
mind, in my child's mind, whenmy mom was good, when she loved
me, when she showed me she lovedme, when she made time for me.
And I think back now, and thosewere the times when you know my
dad either wasn't there or whenhe was there, he was beating the
shit out of her.
Like an inch from life.
(08:14):
He, you know, I've I've walkedin on terrible situations.
I remember clutching the phonethinking I'm gonna have to call
the cops or an ambulance becauseI'm scared my mom's gonna die.
Um and those were the times whenshe tried so hard not to let me
know or let us know.
I think she knew that I knew.
(08:35):
She always knew I knew, and Ialways carried that burden of I
know too much and I protected mysiblings.
But that song just took me backinto this one house
specifically.
Actually, there's two houseswhere I just had the best
memories, and these were thetimes when she was trying so
(08:57):
hard to not let us know howfucked up our reality really
was.
And that song just took me backto the memories, like the really
good memories of when she wouldlike handmake our costumes.
We we couldn't afford it, like Imean, we could, but we couldn't.
(09:18):
I say that because my dad had ashit ton of money, but he made
us live like we were absolutelyimpoverished.
He left us for months at a timewith nothing.
And my mom had to do what shecould.
And it was like one of thesituations where you're scared
to ask for money, right?
He got to spend it all, he gotto have the fun.
(09:40):
Um, with prostitutes, withdrugs, with you know, just
living this lavish life.
And saying all this out loudreally is it's it's getting to
me because I'm realizing howdeeply ingrained it is.
Like my my obsession with money,my you know, like being scared
of money, but also feeling likeI need it, but also feeling
(10:02):
guilty, like and then just theabandonment issues are rising to
the surface again.
But at the end of the day,there's there's no denying where
I came from.
And I don't want to be ashamedof that.
I think that you know, my motherthinks I'm ashamed of her.
(10:24):
I'm not ashamed.
I'm not embarrassed.
None of that.
I I just this is kind of mystory, you know, and I get to
tell it how I want to tell it,and I get to express it how I
want to express it respectfully.
With respect, right?
Like I will never bash.
I don't want to bash anybody.
(10:46):
I don't care how much a personhurts me or what my feelings are
towards them, I respectfully getto share my truth, and I think
it's really easy to get caughtup in not being authentically
honest with your truth,especially when it comes to
(11:08):
social media.
Like, I think healing, part ofthe healing journey, I don't
think you're ever healed.
I think that you are in aforever state of healing because
well, life just it will alwaysfind a way to get you down.
You will always experiencesadness of some sort.
Um, and there's probably gonnaalways be some void or something
(11:29):
that you're chasing.
That's why people really rely onreligion and faith, and because
they want to feel complete.
And so the rupture happened, andit had me sad, and I think it
had her sad.
I apologized.
I don't want, you know, andthat's probably I don't know if
that's the best thing for me todo is to be the person who
(11:51):
always apologizes becausetypically I'll apologize to
others, and they don't apologizeto me.
They're just like, oh, I loveyou too.
Well, okay.
But I'm here to take, I'm hereto take accountability for my
actions, and this song justreally triggered that reminder
in me that I think every mama II can't speak for all of them,
(12:16):
but I want to, I like to believethat mothers do want what's best
for their children, andsometimes they don't know how to
relay that.
Um and I just I want so badlyfor all of you to, even if your
mom, your dad, whoever in yourstory, maybe it's a partner, or
(12:38):
you know, even in-laws, if youwant to share your story and you
feel like you're not allowed to,or that you're gonna be
silenced, or what are peoplegonna say?
I just want to remind you thatI'm out here sharing my story,
and my parents are still alive.
They don't like it, they don'tlike it because they assume that
(13:02):
people will think bad of them,but I'm not here to I'm not here
to to shift blame on anybody.
I'm here to take accountabilityfor my feelings, for the
feelings I have, and I'm sortingthrough them.
And sometimes in this journey oftrying your best to just put
your best foot forward, heal alittle bit each day, be able to
(13:25):
wake up without that, you know,overwhelming nervous feeling in
your stomach.
Like, this is for me.
This is so that my kids feellike they can talk to me.
Me being able to share my storyand be honest about my feelings
in a respectful way is notdiscrediting where I came from.
(13:46):
I genuinely hope that everyonewho knows me, whether you like
me or not, knows that I'm hereto help.
I'm not here to cast judgment.
I really don't want.
I hate that people don't likeme.
I'll be honest, I hate that.
My abandonment issues and thechildhood neglect and the trauma
(14:08):
that I've experienced as achild, as a young adult, even as
an adult, really wants me to beliked by everyone.
It fucking shatters me that Idon't have a close relationship
with my husband's family.
It shatters me that I didn'thave a closer relationship with
(14:30):
my daughter's dad before hepassed away.
I I really don't like that, youknow, the way things have turned
out between my daughter's umstepmom and me.
Like, I don't like any of it.
I wish that we were all a big,happy family.
I I wish that my husband's, youknow, like the co-parents of my
(14:51):
uh stepchildren, I wish that wewere all friends.
Like it it aggravates me, itbothers me, but at some point,
like we have to just relinquishthis, relinquish this control of
what other people are gonnathink and how they're gonna feel
about us and share our truthsanyway.
(15:16):
Because everybody, everybody'sgonna have a different
perspective, everyone's gonnahave different feelings towards
what you see as your reality.
But that's the thing, is thatreality is based on perception,
and your perception can becompletely different than
someone else's.
But at the core, it's about howdo you feel?
How do you feel when you layyour head down each night?
(15:37):
Are you at peace?
And so, whenever I think aboutthis rupture with my mom, when I
think about this song, when Ithink about the good memories,
when I think about theheartache, and just the constant
search for approval that I amnot even aware of.
Like, I still do this, I stillsearch for approval with my mom.
(15:59):
I don't I don't have arelationship with my dad, but
that has kind of trickled intomy relationship with my husband,
searching and seeking approvalthrough him.
Um, it used to be seekingapproval through social media.
Now I'm just like, fuck it.
People are gonna think what theywant to think.
There will always be somebodywho does not agree with me.
(16:22):
But I know in my heart ofhearts, and with my intention,
that sharing my story helpsother people.
It's brave, it's courageous.
I'm not throwing anybody underthe bus.
I'm just sharing real life shit.
People don't get along withtheir in-laws, people do have
(16:43):
toxic relationships withco-parents.
People do die, like you know, mydaughter's dad, and then we have
survivor's guilt.
We have regret.
I could have done better, Icould have not been as big of a
bitch.
Like, these are real lifethings, and I need it.
I needed this reminder, I neededthat rupture, I think.
(17:04):
I needed my mom to just kind oflose it on me and say, I think
you forgot where you came from.
You know, now I don't like whenpeople try to take credit for my
success.
That's not cool.
Like, I'll never take credit formy kids' success.
I'll be so happy for all hersuccess, all his success, but
I'm learning.
I'm learning how I don't want mykids to think about me and feel
(17:26):
about me through the ways that Ithink and feel about others.
And I think at the end of theday, all I can do and all you
can do if you're listening tothis and you face this or you
face it in the future is toremember who the fuck you are.
Remember your your true heart'sintention and don't let people
get in your head about that.
(17:47):
Because social media will get inyour head, you know.
It happens.
It it happened, it happened onwhen I posted my anniversary
post.
I got a nasty text from fromin-laws on my um you know my
husband's side asking me to takestuff like quit.
SPEAKER_00 (18:06):
Tell me about 10 miles, take exit 27B to merge
onto I-35E towards Denton.
SPEAKER_01 (18:13):
Quit talking about our family.
Acting like they've tried tomake an attempt, uh, a
relationship with me, with myson.
And it that's not that's notthat's not my truth.
Well, why should I not share thereal life things that are
happening so that people don'tfeel alone?
Because I and I I tell myhusband this all the time, he he
(18:35):
he has these wise cracks aboutsocial media people who that's
his thing, is he doesn't havesocial media and he says, Well,
if you don't have social mediaand won't stress you out, yada
yada yada, sure.
Like, I'm not scrolling socialmedia to get a fix, a dopamine
fix anymore.
But when I did, when I wasreally struggling, I cannot tell
(18:58):
you how many strangers sharingtheir stories helped me through
some of the roughest times of mylife to know I wasn't alone, to
know that I was-stayed the rightfour lanes.
To know that I wasn't alone, toknow that these feelings were
valid, and to know that otherpeople had this kind of shit
(19:19):
happening too gave me hope.
And so I won't be silenced, Iwon't be silenced by my parents,
I won't be silenced by myhusband, won't be silenced by my
children, won't be silenced byanybody.
No, I'm over it.
I think you should be over ittoo if you feel called to share
(19:40):
your testimony, to share whatyou know you've been through, to
share your faith, to share yourstory.
I think it's super, superimportant for the human in you
to find that that level offulfillment.
And I think that my personalopinion, my personal belief is
that God heals and speaksthrough our stories.
(20:03):
Like your life and your youknow, your trials, your
tribulations, everything you'vebeen through.
I don't think it was fornothing.
And so share that, share that inthe most respectful way.
Don't throw people under thebus.
Be respectful, but do not waver,don't forget where you came
(20:24):
from, but also don't let thatdefine you.
You know, if you come from ashit family, it's okay to honor
and respect and like accept thatand be aware that okay, I come
from like a family that I don'tlike.
I might not have picked them,their habits, their beliefs, how
they brought me up, but to knowthat like you can't deny where
(20:45):
you came from, but that you canpick what serves you.
And I needed that reminder.
I needed that reminder from mymom, I needed that reminder on
this trip.
I needed to stumble across that1989 Tracy Chapman debut of
Gimme One Reason, and that's oneof the songs that I play.
I don't play like I'm not a bigfan of playing a bunch of
covers, but y'all, I will coverthe shit out of some Tracy
(21:08):
Chapman.
Um, just so much soul, so much.
Oh, her music is so good.
Um I just needed, I needed allthat, and I couldn't have
planned how that was gonna comethrough.
I think that's one of the coolthings about energy, about God,
about source, is the like whenyou're least resisting, like
(21:33):
when you're driving or doingdishes or taking a shit, is when
things might click for you.
And it could be the smell ofsomething, could be a song that
comes on, it could be just youknow the a feeling in the air
that makes you remember whereyou came from, reminds you of
(21:54):
where you've been, but alsoreminds you of where you don't
want to go again.
Uh, and I think it's importantto always honor that.
Always honor the the hustle andthe hurdles that got you here,
but to know that they don'tdefine you and that you don't
have to be silent, that you canshare all of this in a
respectful way from a place ofpower.
(22:17):
People are gonna get theirfeelings hurt, people are gonna
have things to say, but again,the the the biggest thing is
here here is respect.
You can respectfully say we justwe see this differently, we have
different perspectives, it'snothing against you, I don't
call you out by name, I don't doany of that, you know.
People in my world don't knowwho you are.
This is a story, it's a storythat's helping others, and I I
(22:40):
can't deprive people of that.
Because secretly everybody wantsto share their story too.
Everybody wants to be able tofeel fulfilled and feel like
they have a great greaterpurpose, and um some of us are
brave enough to to step intothat and share those stories
publicly, and some of us aren't,but just reminding you that even
(23:03):
if even if your mama or yourdaddy or your grandmama tells
you don't talk about that, why?
Why are people asking you not totalk about it?
That's the bigger question.
And can you live with yourselfif you don't talk about it?
So I'll never forget where Icame from.
Mad respect to my mom.
(23:23):
The older I get and the moredifficult uh raising these kids
and being in a healthy like thisis the first real healthy
relationship I've been in.
Like, it is all very hard.
I've wanted to give up severaltimes.
I can see the temptation in alot of things.
Um I respect I respect the fuckout of her.
(23:48):
Don't always have to agree withyour parents, don't always have
to agree with you know thepeople around you, but we can
still respect each other.
Um and I think that's the mostimportant thing at the end of
the day is can we respectfullydisagree and still find love?
(24:09):
Because love is worth fightingfor, love is worth communicating
in a healthy way, love is worthsharing your story, helping
others heal, and still gettingto hug that person at the end of
the day.
So I love you, I love you somuch.
I won't be silenced, you don'tbe silenced.
(24:30):
Go out there and do your damnthing, you know, start the
movement, be a leader, write thebook, start the podcast, start
posting content, do the fuckingthing.
Don't forget where you camefrom, but don't let it define
you.
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