September 30, 2025 • 21 mins
Ever wondered if there's more to self-care than bubble baths and spa days? Spoiler alert: there absolutely is.
Most of us have been sold a shallow version of self-care that focuses on external quick fixes rather than addressing our deeper needs. In this enlightening episode, I challenge conventional wisdom by redefining self-care as an internal process that produces lasting transformation in our lives.
Drawing from research, I introduce four powerful principles of authentic self-care: setting boundaries while managing guilt, practicing genuine self-compassion, aligning your actions with your core values, and embracing your personal power. The discussion elaborates on why mothers' well-being specifically connects to feeling unconditionally loved, developing confidence during distress, cultivating authentic relationships, and nurturing satisfying friendships.
This episode offers a refreshing perspective for parents of color navigating the challenges of the education system while trying to maintain their own well-being. I provide practical guidance on distinguishing between goals and values, emphasizing that true alignment happens when your external actions match your internal compass.
Whether you're struggling with boundary-setting, battling guilt, or simply feeling disconnected from your authentic self, this episode delivers transformative insights that will reshape how you approach self-care.
Ready to move beyond superficial self-care practices and embrace a more meaningful approach? Subscribe to K-12 Public Education Insights, leave a review, and share this episode with someone who needs to hear this message. Your journey toward authentic self-care starts now.
Check out my 24/7 interactive expert on my website! There are some great questions being asked and insightful conversations happening there… Go to https://liberation through education.com/ask-me-anything
Love my show? Consider being a regular subscriber! Just go to https://tinyurl.com/podcastsupport.
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Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:11):
Welcome to another episode of Code twelve Public
Education Insights, EmpoweringParents of Color Podcast.
The podcast that converges atthe intersection of educational
research and parental actions.
It's about making the trends,topics, and theories in public
(00:35):
education understandable so thatyou can implement them into
practical, actionable strategiesthat work for your children.
My name is Dr.
Kim J.
Fields, former corporatemanager, turned educational
researcher and advocate, and I'mthe host of this podcast.
(00:57):
I got into this space afterdealing with some frustrating
interactions with schooleducators and administrators, as
well as experiencing themicroaggressions that I faced as
an African-American mom raisingmy two kids who were in the
public school system.
I really wanted to understandhow teachers were trained and
(01:21):
what the research provided aboutthe challenges of the public
education system.
Once I gained the informationand the insights that I needed,
I was then equipped to be ableto successfully support my
children in their educationalprogress.
This battle-tested experience iswhat I provide as action steps
(01:45):
for you to take.
It's like enjoying a bowl ofeducational research with a
sprinkling of motherwood wisdomon top.
If you're looking to find outmore about the current
information and issues ineducation that could affect you
or your children, and the actionsteps you can take to give your
(02:10):
children the advantages theyneed, then you're in the right
place.
Thanks for tuning in today.
I know that staying informedabout K-12 public education
trends and topics is importantto you, so keep listening.
Give me 30 minutes or less, andI'll provide insights on the
(02:34):
latest trends, issues, andtopics pertaining to this
constantly evolving K-12 publiceducation environment.
You're more than a parent.
You're a person with individualneeds, wants, and desires.
You show up for your family,friends, and children.
(02:57):
While you support your childrenthrough their educational
attainment journey, you alsoneed support because you can't
help your child be his or herbest if you're not at your best.
These end-of-the-month episodesare dedicated to helping you on
a personal level feel supportedand empowered to elevate your
(03:22):
parenting journey.
I call these once-a-monthepisodes the Half-Hour Headway:
Quick Tips for InitiatingTransformation.
In this episode, I'll be sharingmy thoughts about self-care,
what it is, what it isn't, andwhy you can't afford to ignore
(03:47):
it.
Don't get me wrong, I love agood massage and facial.
I used to treat myself to bothof these at least every four to
six weeks.
But these are not what trueself-care is all about.
Yes, they feel great and evenmade me believe that I was
(04:08):
taking care of myself, althoughmany aspects of my mindset
hadn't been adjusted orupgraded.
A better approach would havebeen to take the time for
solitude to examine my thoughts,what was behind the decisions
that I made, and what thingstruly mattered to me.
(04:30):
Not just goals, but values,because values are who you are
while you are achieving yourgoals.
I discussed why it's necessaryto practice self-care in your
personal life in this episode.
Let's gain some insights onthis.
(04:53):
True self-care begins on theinside, not on the outside with
products and solutions likeretreats, crystals, bubble
baths, or even yoga classes.
Real self-care is an internalprocess that involves making
difficult decisions that willpay off in the long run and
(05:14):
produce a fulfilling life builtaround the relationships and
activities that matter most toyou.
Self-care is an inside job, justlike happiness is.
Self-care involves settingboundaries, learning to treat
yourself with compassion, makingchoices that bring you closer to
(05:38):
your true self and living a lifealigned with your values.
It's hard work, but it isachievable.
Self-care involves changing howyou talk to yourself and
focusing on what matters most toyou.
Think of self-care as a verbthat focuses on your internal
(06:00):
decision-making processes,allows you to get your needs met
in your relationships, bringsyou closer to yourself and
what's important to you, andrequires learning to cope with
feelings of guilt as part of theprocess.
It requires self-knowledge,self-compassion, and a
(06:21):
willingness to make difficultdecisions.
In a recent study of more than2,000 mothers conducted by a
psychologist at Oklahoma StateUniversity, the well-being of
mothers is linked to fourfactors, and see if you can
relate to these.
One, feeling unconditionallyloved.
(06:41):
Two, feeling confident whendistressed.
Three, authenticity inrelationships, and four,
satisfaction with friendships.
Real self-care is about changingyour internal reality.
No one's going to give youpermission to take care of
(07:02):
yourself.
Only you can decide to do that.
Unlike temporary fixes ofcleanses, massages, and
aromatherapy, the internalprocess lasts forever.
This internal work has the powerto create external change.
(07:23):
Self-care is about doing whatmatters most, those activities
that are congruent with yourvalues, emphasizing personal
growth, acceptance of yourauthentic self, and connection
to meaning or purpose.
This is linked to better healthoutcomes, sleep, longer
(07:45):
lifespan, and lower levels ofinflammation.
And we know from scientificreading that inflammation is a
number one cause of aging.
These are four principles ofself-care according to Dr.
(08:06):
Puja Lakshmi.
One, setting boundaries andmoving past guilt.
Set the boundaries, manage theguilt.
Two, treat yourself withcompassion, speaking to yourself
with compassion, not judgment.
(08:29):
Three, understanding theauthentic version of yourself,
including your core values,beliefs, and desires.
When your outside environmentmatches your inside environment,
then you're in alignment.
And four, asserting your power,looking inside yourself and
(08:53):
making decisions from a place ofreflection and consideration.
These principles build on eachother.
Self-care is really aboutdiscipline.
It's not about perfection, it'sabout moving in the right
direction.
And it's a lifelong pursuit.
(09:16):
Every choice that busyprofessional women make comes at
the expense of something else,especially if they have
children.
And they end up blamingthemselves or feeling guilty
based on the decisions that theymake in many instances.
(09:36):
Asking questions and gatheringinformation when someone makes a
demand of you puts a differenttype of pressure on the power
dynamic in the family system.
It acknowledges that you have achoice.
A critical part of self-care isidentifying your values or those
(09:58):
values you want to embody andthen making a list of ways to
explore those.
Do you host dinner parties?
Then let's try this dinner partyexercise.
Imagine you have$200 to throwany kind of dinner party you
(10:19):
want.
What would it look like and feellike?
Is your mind drawn to the food,music, or the company?
Is it a big event or an intimategathering?
This type of exercise can helpyou identify what means the most
to you so that you can makedecisions that align with those
(10:42):
values.
This is an example of valuealignment with lifestyle.
And it's the same process thatyou would use to identify your
values in every aspect of yourlife.
Here's the main thing I want youto remember.
Self-care is not a thing to do,it's a way to be.
(12:21):
You set boundaries with people,situations, and even our mind,
meaning our thoughts and ourfeelings.
With feelings of guilt, thinkabout this.
Where does your guilt get you inthe long run?
Do you feel better after yourwork or your family life when
(12:43):
you let guilt lead?
Whenever someone makes a requestof you, you have three choices.
You can say yes, you can say no,or you can negotiate by asking
questions and then making adecision.
When it comes to boundaries,though, we are training the
(13:05):
people in our lives how to treatus with our words, decisions,
and actions.
When we verbalize a clearboundary assertively, it helps
other people understand how weexpect them to behave.
And in the long run, this savesnot only time, but your energy.
(13:32):
To learn more about theimportance of setting
boundaries, check out episode144, in which I discuss more
details about this criticalskill.
The second principle aboutself-care is about treating
yourself with compassion.
Self-compassion generallyencompasses three areas.
(13:56):
One, replacing self-judgmentwith self-kindness, two,
recognizing your sharedhumanity, and three, being
curious about the negativethoughts that you have instead
of believing that they areabsolute truth.
(14:16):
The first step ofself-compassion is giving
yourself permission to practiceit.
Self-compassion helps buildself-clarity.
Did you know that rest is a formof self-compassion?
It's a sign of strength when yourecognize that one of the most
(14:40):
important things you can do isrest.
The third principle of self-careis that it brings you closer to
yourself.
In order to bring you closer toyourself, you have to identify
values and that you are engagedin activities that align with
(15:04):
those values.
Here's how I see the differencebetween goals and values.
Goals are tangible objectives,like I want to go to graduate
school.
Values, on the other hand, aredesired qualities of action.
They are who you are when youare working toward your goals,
(15:27):
even if you fail achieving yourgoals.
State it another way (15:31):
goals are things that you do, and values
are the way that you do them.
Values cause you to look inward,not an outward comparison to how
other people live their lives.
Use your values to more clearlyunderstand what you want and
(15:55):
need to live a fulfilling life.
Aligning your lifestyle withyour values means making sure
that your outside matches yourinside.
When your life is out ofalignment with your values, you
end up feeling conflicted andmiserable.
(16:17):
It's important to remember thatvalues change over time.
It's just human nature.
In a different season of ourlives, we may have different
priorities.
The fourth principle ofself-care is asserting and
embracing your power.
(16:38):
Embracing your power and goalsmeans that you have a both and
mindset as opposed to an eitheror mindset.
Understand the power of hope.
Hope is not something we don'thave, it's a skill that we
(16:59):
build.
Giving back through the powerthat you have generates more
power for everyone else.
This is how you truly live anempowered life.
Is self-care something that youstruggle with?
I'm not just talking about thatact of doing self-care.
(17:24):
What I'm talking about is havinga self-care state of mind daily.
Do you need support in thisarea?
Then I encourage you to go toNoExcusesCoaching.com forward
slash work with me to schedule afree 30-minute call in which
(17:45):
we'll discuss your currentsituation and work out a plan to
create your self-care state ofmind.
As is the usual case for thesepersonal thought-provoking
episodes, I end with relevantquotes or a clean joke.
I invite you to ponder thesequotes.
(18:08):
Self-care is notself-indulgence, it's
self-preservation.
A reframed quote from AudreyLord.
The challenge is not to beperfect, it is to be whole.
Jane Fonda.
(18:28):
Lighten up on yourself.
No one is perfect.
Gently accept your humanness.
Deborah Day.
And when you recover or discoversomething that nourishes your
soul and brings you joy, careenough about yourself to make
(18:50):
room for it in your life.
Jean Shonata Bolan.
Did you enjoy this episode?
If so, go to my podcast websiteat K12Education
Insights.budsprout.com and leaveme a text message about how
(19:12):
you're enjoying my show.
That's K12EducationInsights.budsprout.com.
Go to the episode descriptionpage and click on the Send Me a
Text Message link.
Again, it's K12EducationInsights.budsprout.com and leave
(19:33):
me a text message today.
Be sure to subscribe to thispodcast to make sure that you
get the latest episodes.
And also, share this episodewith anyone that you think will
find it valuable.
Be sure to tell your friends,family, and community about my
content.
Thanks for listening today.
(19:55):
I hope you'll come back for more212 educational discussions with
even more exciting topics to getthe insights on.
Until next time, aim to learnsomething new every day.
Welcome to another episode of Code twelve Public
Education Insights, EmpoweringParents of Color Podcast.
The podcast that converges atthe intersection of educational
research and parental actions.
It's about making the trends,topics, and theories in public
(00:35):
education understandable so thatyou can implement them into
practical, actionable strategiesthat work for your children.
My name is Dr.
Kim J.
Fields, former corporatemanager, turned educational
researcher and advocate, and I'mthe host of this podcast.
(00:57):
I got into this space afterdealing with some frustrating
interactions with schooleducators and administrators, as
well as experiencing themicroaggressions that I faced as
an African-American mom raisingmy two kids who were in the
public school system.
I really wanted to understandhow teachers were trained and
(01:21):
what the research provided aboutthe challenges of the public
education system.
Once I gained the informationand the insights that I needed,
I was then equipped to be ableto successfully support my
children in their educationalprogress.
This battle-tested experience iswhat I provide as action steps
(01:45):
for you to take.
It's like enjoying a bowl ofeducational research with a
sprinkling of motherwood wisdomon top.
If you're looking to find outmore about the current
information and issues ineducation that could affect you
or your children, and the actionsteps you can take to give your
(02:10):
children the advantages theyneed, then you're in the right
place.
Thanks for tuning in today.
I know that staying informedabout K-12 public education
trends and topics is importantto you, so keep listening.
Give me 30 minutes or less, andI'll provide insights on the
(02:34):
latest trends, issues, andtopics pertaining to this
constantly evolving K-12 publiceducation environment.
You're more than a parent.
You're a person with individualneeds, wants, and desires.
You show up for your family,friends, and children.
(02:57):
While you support your childrenthrough their educational
attainment journey, you alsoneed support because you can't
help your child be his or herbest if you're not at your best.
These end-of-the-month episodesare dedicated to helping you on
a personal level feel supportedand empowered to elevate your
(03:22):
parenting journey.
I call these once-a-monthepisodes the Half-Hour Headway:
Quick Tips for InitiatingTransformation.
In this episode, I'll be sharingmy thoughts about self-care,
what it is, what it isn't, andwhy you can't afford to ignore
(03:47):
it.
Don't get me wrong, I love agood massage and facial.
I used to treat myself to bothof these at least every four to
six weeks.
But these are not what trueself-care is all about.
Yes, they feel great and evenmade me believe that I was
(04:08):
taking care of myself, althoughmany aspects of my mindset
hadn't been adjusted orupgraded.
A better approach would havebeen to take the time for
solitude to examine my thoughts,what was behind the decisions
that I made, and what thingstruly mattered to me.
(04:30):
Not just goals, but values,because values are who you are
while you are achieving yourgoals.
I discussed why it's necessaryto practice self-care in your
personal life in this episode.
Let's gain some insights onthis.
(04:53):
True self-care begins on theinside, not on the outside with
products and solutions likeretreats, crystals, bubble
baths, or even yoga classes.
Real self-care is an internalprocess that involves making
difficult decisions that willpay off in the long run and
(05:14):
produce a fulfilling life builtaround the relationships and
activities that matter most toyou.
Self-care is an inside job, justlike happiness is.
Self-care involves settingboundaries, learning to treat
yourself with compassion, makingchoices that bring you closer to
(05:38):
your true self and living a lifealigned with your values.
It's hard work, but it isachievable.
Self-care involves changing howyou talk to yourself and
focusing on what matters most toyou.
Think of self-care as a verbthat focuses on your internal
(06:00):
decision-making processes,allows you to get your needs met
in your relationships, bringsyou closer to yourself and
what's important to you, andrequires learning to cope with
feelings of guilt as part of theprocess.
It requires self-knowledge,self-compassion, and a
(06:21):
willingness to make difficultdecisions.
In a recent study of more than2,000 mothers conducted by a
psychologist at Oklahoma StateUniversity, the well-being of
mothers is linked to fourfactors, and see if you can
relate to these.
One, feeling unconditionallyloved.
(06:41):
Two, feeling confident whendistressed.
Three, authenticity inrelationships, and four,
satisfaction with friendships.
Real self-care is about changingyour internal reality.
No one's going to give youpermission to take care of
(07:02):
yourself.
Only you can decide to do that.
Unlike temporary fixes ofcleanses, massages, and
aromatherapy, the internalprocess lasts forever.
This internal work has the powerto create external change.
(07:23):
Self-care is about doing whatmatters most, those activities
that are congruent with yourvalues, emphasizing personal
growth, acceptance of yourauthentic self, and connection
to meaning or purpose.
This is linked to better healthoutcomes, sleep, longer
(07:45):
lifespan, and lower levels ofinflammation.
And we know from scientificreading that inflammation is a
number one cause of aging.
These are four principles ofself-care according to Dr.
(08:06):
Puja Lakshmi.
One, setting boundaries andmoving past guilt.
Set the boundaries, manage theguilt.
Two, treat yourself withcompassion, speaking to yourself
with compassion, not judgment.
(08:29):
Three, understanding theauthentic version of yourself,
including your core values,beliefs, and desires.
When your outside environmentmatches your inside environment,
then you're in alignment.
And four, asserting your power,looking inside yourself and
(08:53):
making decisions from a place ofreflection and consideration.
These principles build on eachother.
Self-care is really aboutdiscipline.
It's not about perfection, it'sabout moving in the right
direction.
And it's a lifelong pursuit.
(09:16):
Every choice that busyprofessional women make comes at
the expense of something else,especially if they have
children.
And they end up blamingthemselves or feeling guilty
based on the decisions that theymake in many instances.
(09:36):
Asking questions and gatheringinformation when someone makes a
demand of you puts a differenttype of pressure on the power
dynamic in the family system.
It acknowledges that you have achoice.
A critical part of self-care isidentifying your values or those
(09:58):
values you want to embody andthen making a list of ways to
explore those.
Do you host dinner parties?
Then let's try this dinner partyexercise.
Imagine you have$200 to throwany kind of dinner party you
(10:19):
want.
What would it look like and feellike?
Is your mind drawn to the food,music, or the company?
Is it a big event or an intimategathering?
This type of exercise can helpyou identify what means the most
to you so that you can makedecisions that align with those
(10:42):
values.
This is an example of valuealignment with lifestyle.
And it's the same process thatyou would use to identify your
values in every aspect of yourlife.
Here's the main thing I want youto remember.
Self-care is not a thing to do,it's a way to be.
(12:21):
You set boundaries with people,situations, and even our mind,
meaning our thoughts and ourfeelings.
With feelings of guilt, thinkabout this.
Where does your guilt get you inthe long run?
Do you feel better after yourwork or your family life when
(12:43):
you let guilt lead?
Whenever someone makes a requestof you, you have three choices.
You can say yes, you can say no,or you can negotiate by asking
questions and then making adecision.
When it comes to boundaries,though, we are training the
(13:05):
people in our lives how to treatus with our words, decisions,
and actions.
When we verbalize a clearboundary assertively, it helps
other people understand how weexpect them to behave.
And in the long run, this savesnot only time, but your energy.
(13:32):
To learn more about theimportance of setting
boundaries, check out episode144, in which I discuss more
details about this criticalskill.
The second principle aboutself-care is about treating
yourself with compassion.
Self-compassion generallyencompasses three areas.
(13:56):
One, replacing self-judgmentwith self-kindness, two,
recognizing your sharedhumanity, and three, being
curious about the negativethoughts that you have instead
of believing that they areabsolute truth.
(14:16):
The first step ofself-compassion is giving
yourself permission to practiceit.
Self-compassion helps buildself-clarity.
Did you know that rest is a formof self-compassion?
It's a sign of strength when yourecognize that one of the most
(14:40):
important things you can do isrest.
The third principle of self-careis that it brings you closer to
yourself.
In order to bring you closer toyourself, you have to identify
values and that you are engagedin activities that align with
(15:04):
those values.
Here's how I see the differencebetween goals and values.
Goals are tangible objectives,like I want to go to graduate
school.
Values, on the other hand, aredesired qualities of action.
They are who you are when youare working toward your goals,
(15:27):
even if you fail achieving yourgoals.
State it another way (15:31):
goals are things that you do, and values
are the way that you do them.
Values cause you to look inward,not an outward comparison to how
other people live their lives.
Use your values to more clearlyunderstand what you want and
(15:55):
need to live a fulfilling life.
Aligning your lifestyle withyour values means making sure
that your outside matches yourinside.
When your life is out ofalignment with your values, you
end up feeling conflicted andmiserable.
(16:17):
It's important to remember thatvalues change over time.
It's just human nature.
In a different season of ourlives, we may have different
priorities.
The fourth principle ofself-care is asserting and
embracing your power.
(16:38):
Embracing your power and goalsmeans that you have a both and
mindset as opposed to an eitheror mindset.
Understand the power of hope.
Hope is not something we don'thave, it's a skill that we
(16:59):
build.
Giving back through the powerthat you have generates more
power for everyone else.
This is how you truly live anempowered life.
Is self-care something that youstruggle with?
I'm not just talking about thatact of doing self-care.
(17:24):
What I'm talking about is havinga self-care state of mind daily.
Do you need support in thisarea?
Then I encourage you to go toNoExcusesCoaching.com forward
slash work with me to schedule afree 30-minute call in which
(17:45):
we'll discuss your currentsituation and work out a plan to
create your self-care state ofmind.
As is the usual case for thesepersonal thought-provoking
episodes, I end with relevantquotes or a clean joke.
I invite you to ponder thesequotes.
(18:08):
Self-care is notself-indulgence, it's
self-preservation.
A reframed quote from AudreyLord.
The challenge is not to beperfect, it is to be whole.
Jane Fonda.
(18:28):
Lighten up on yourself.
No one is perfect.
Gently accept your humanness.
Deborah Day.
And when you recover or discoversomething that nourishes your
soul and brings you joy, careenough about yourself to make
(18:50):
room for it in your life.
Jean Shonata Bolan.
Did you enjoy this episode?
If so, go to my podcast websiteat K12Education
Insights.budsprout.com and leaveme a text message about how
(19:12):
you're enjoying my show.
That's K12EducationInsights.budsprout.com.
Go to the episode descriptionpage and click on the Send Me a
Text Message link.
Again, it's K12EducationInsights.budsprout.com and leave
(19:33):
me a text message today.
Be sure to subscribe to thispodcast to make sure that you
get the latest episodes.
And also, share this episodewith anyone that you think will
find it valuable.
Be sure to tell your friends,family, and community about my
content.
Thanks for listening today.
(19:55):
I hope you'll come back for more212 educational discussions with
even more exciting topics to getthe insights on.
Until next time, aim to learnsomething new every day.
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