October 28, 2025 • 32 mins
What if the fastest way to help your child succeed is to stop rescuing and start coaching? I dive into the mindset and methods of mentally strong parenting, using Amy Morin’s “Thirteen Things Mentally Strong Parents Don’t Do” as a springboard to share practical tools that work in real homes. From replacing a victim mentality with accountability to building emotional literacy and healthy boundaries, this conversation focuses on what parents can do today to raise resilient, self-reliant kids.
I share why productive struggle matters, how to set age-appropriate responsibilities, and ways to follow through without micromanaging. I discuss the trap of perfectionism and how to pivot toward excellence using the praise-criticism-praise approach that keeps motivation high. You’ll hear concrete strategies for naming emotions, teaching kids to “change the channel” on intrusive thoughts, and introducing mood busters so they can self-regulate when stress hits. Research on prosocial skills, long-term outcomes, and self-control shows why these small daily habits pay off in school, relationships, and life.
I also get candid about discipline versus punishment, why quick fixes backfire, and how consistency—plus a united front between parents—creates the safety kids need to grow. Finally, I zoom out to values: how to align household rules with what you stand for, model the behaviors you want to see, and even craft a simple family statement that turns ideals into actions. If you’re aiming for confident kids who can handle setbacks, make good decisions, and treat others with empathy, this one’s for you.
If this resonates, follow the show, share it with another parent, and leave a quick rating or review to help more families find these strategies. Got thoughts or a favorite takeaway? Send me a message and let’s keep the conversation going.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:36):
Welcome to another episode of K-12 Public Education
Insights, Empowering Parents ofColor Podcast.
The podcast that converges atthe intersection of educational
research and parental actions.
It's about making the trends,topics, and theories in public
(01:00):
education understandable so thatyou can implement them into
practical, actionable strategiesthat work for your children.
My name is Dr.
Kim J.
Fields, former corporatemanager, turned education
researcher, and advocate, andI'm the host of this podcast.
(01:22):
I got into this space afterdealing with some frustrating
interactions with schooleducators and administrators, as
well as experiencing themicroaggressions that I faced as
an African-American mom raisingmy two kids who were in the
public school system.
I really wanted to understandhow teachers were trained and
(01:46):
what the research provided aboutthe challenges of the public
education system.
Once I gained the informationand the insights that I needed,
I was then equipped to be ableto successfully support my
children in their educationalprogress.
This battle-tested experience iswhat I provide as action steps
(02:11):
for you to take.
It's like enjoying a bowl ofeducational research with a
sprinkling of motherwood wisdomon top.
If you're looking to find outmore about the current
information and issues ineducation that could affect you
or your children, and the actionsteps you can take to give your
(02:36):
children the advantages theyneed, then you're in the right
place.
Thanks for tuning in today.
I know that staying informedabout K-12 public education
trends and topics is importantto you, so keep listening.
Give me 30 minutes or less, andI'll provide insights on the
(03:00):
latest trends, issues, andtopics pertaining to this
constantly evolving K-12 publiceducation environment.
You're more than a parent.
You're a person with individualneeds, wants, and desires.
You show up for your family,friends, and children.
(03:22):
While you support your childrenthrough their educational
attainment journey, you alsoneed support because you can't
help your child be his or herbest if you're not at your best.
These end of the month episodesare dedicated to helping you on
a personal level feel supportedand empowered to elevate your
(03:47):
parenting journey.
I call these once-a-monthepisodes the half-hour headway:
Quick Tips for InitiatingTransformation.
In this episode, I thought I'ddo something different in a way.
I'm kind of weird in that I lovedoing research on topics that
(04:07):
interest me, and the fun partabout that is that based on my
training, I compare the keyideas from several sources.
I decided to explore what someof the latest books about
parenting mindset, raisingsuccessful children, and
thinking outside the box forparents would reveal.
(04:29):
This is the first book I'll bereviewing on this once-a-month
episode, and the book isThirteen Things Mentally Strong
Parents Don't Do by Amy Morin.
It's impossible to read everytext or magazine article or blog
(04:51):
about parenting, but some of theinformation can prove useful.
I hope you find this informationvaluable for you.
Let me know what you think aboutme discussing certain books from
time to time on these once amonth episodes by sending me a
text message on my podcastwebsite, K12Education
(05:13):
Insights.buzzbrout.com.
You can leave me that textmessage and let me know by
simply stating start, stop, orcontinue with these types of
book review episodes.
Congratulations, you've become aparent.
(05:35):
There's no manual you can go toto teach you all things
parenting, so you learn as yougo.
Your first child is theexperiment, and because you want
to do everything quote unquoteright, you might go a little bit
overboard in every area.
For example, you record theprecise measurements of length
(05:56):
and weight.
You test the temperature oftheir bath water with a
thermometer.
You make sure that when theystart to eat foods, they eat
food in the strict order thatthe pediatrician recommended.
And you feel that there is noone who could take better care
of your child than you.
(06:19):
If perchance they caught a coldbecause you had to leave them at
daycare when you went back towork, you quit your job because
those people were not takingcare of your child as well as
you could.
Oh wait, that might have justhappened in my case.
(06:39):
Anyway, seeking the advice ofmothers, aunts, friends, etc.
who had kids before you could bea good thing.
Gleaning tidbits of informationfrom experts who specialize in
parenting could also bebeneficial.
You take what applies to you anddiscard the rest.
(07:02):
Do you consider yourself amentally strong parent?
I reveal what this book ThirteenThings Mentally Strong Parents
Don't Do by Amy Morin may add toyour knowledge and understanding
of what mentally strong parentsdon't do to raise children who
(07:24):
are self aware, self assured,and resilient.
Let's gain some insights onthis.
Frederick Douglass once saidit's easier to build strong
children than to repair brokenmen.
So while they're under yourroof, how can you ensure that
(07:47):
you're teaching your kids theright skills and values?
What do your children need mostin order to become self-reliant,
responsible, and happy adults?
Raising self-assured childrenand training their brains for a
life of happiness, meaning, andsuccess is the ultimate goal
(08:10):
when we have children.
Parents want their children tohave the best possible future,
but you might be surprised tolearn that positive emotional
and behavioral development arejust as integral to success as
academic achievement.
These are the eight key ideasfrom this book.
(08:33):
Mentally strong parents promoteaccountability, sponsorability,
and perseverance over a victimmentality.
There is very little in lifethat benefits a person as much
as learning to be mentallystrong.
A mentally strong person is morelikely to turn setbacks into
(08:55):
opportunities and facechallenges without feeling sorry
for himself or herself.
You may be thinking, what's thebest way to raise a mentally
strong child?
The answer is by practicinggood, healthy habits yourself,
which makes you capable ofpassing them on to your child.
(09:18):
For example, it's natural todefend your child when they've
been wronged.
The age of social media has ledmany parents to encourage
feelings of victimhood inresponse to every slight.
Mentally strong parents don't dothis.
At the end of the day, you wantyour child to be empowered to
(09:38):
handle life's challenges ratherthan always seeing himself or
herself as the victim ofcircumstance.
Giving up should not be anoption.
Stepping in to help your childduring periods of productive
struggle enables them with alearned helplessness response.
(10:00):
Encourage your child to persistin overcoming challenges,
handling responsibilities, andkeeping them accountable because
this will create an environmentin which they believe change is
possible.
Mentally strong parents don'tlet their children avoid
responsibility.
Instead of letting your childblame others for his or her
(10:26):
problems, hold your childaccountable and let him or her
face the consequences of his orher actions.
If you don't, how is the childsupposed to learn to cope with
the inevitable injustices theywill face in life?
Mentally strong parents teachtheir children healthy ways to
(10:50):
deal with guilt and fear.
Most parents, and that is about94%, feel that they're not being
good parents and sometimes feelguilty about their parenting
decisions.
But having too much anxietyabout being a quote unquote bad
parent can lead to the mistakeof making parenting decisions
(11:14):
using guilt as your guide.
The problem with guilt is thatit encourages parents to give in
to their child's demands, whichtemporarily allows them to avoid
feeling guilty in that moment.
If the guilt is warranted, thenit may be a sign that you need
(11:36):
to change your behavior.
But if the guilt isn'twarranted, don't catastrophize.
Forgive yourself and rememberthat you are a role model for
your child.
Model good behavior.
It's also important to teachyour child self-reliance so that
they are equipped for thetransition to adulthood.
(12:01):
Mentally strong parents setstrong boundaries so that their
children don't think that theworld revolves around them or
that they don't get the ideathat they hold power over you.
It's one thing to want yourchild to believe in him or
herself.
But being convinced that yourchild is exceptional can lead to
(12:27):
a sense of entitlement.
The danger with this is adiminished capacity for empathy,
perpetual dissatisfaction, and abelief that the child shouldn't
have to try hard to get what heor she wants.
Some parents overdo this byshowering their children with
affection to overcompensate forlack they experienced in their
(12:52):
own childhoods.
This is the time to teach yourchild humility, not
overindulgence.
Praise your children with theeffort they put in to accomplish
a goal and then introducegratitude as a way to
acknowledge the things they'regrateful for in their lives.
Feelings of awe can also offer anew sense of perspective, giving
(13:17):
your child opportunities toexperience awe, like witnessing
a natural wonder or visiting adinosaur exhibit.
Remind your child that he or sheis in the presence of something
greater than themselves.
Also, to truly empower yourchild, it's important to
(13:38):
establish a clear hierarchywithin your household.
This means setting rules,boundaries, and limitations
without wavering, followingthrough with consequences,
offering rewards instead ofbribes, and presenting a united
front with your partner.
(13:59):
Trust me, your child knows thedifference between you and your
partner and will use that,especially if you're not on the
same page to get what he or shewants.
If they get away with this once,they'll do it again.
Therefore, a united front iskey.
This is necessary because toomuch power is not good for your
(14:22):
child's development.
The whole reason that the childpushes boundaries is to be
assured that you have thingsunder control.
When you demonstrate mentalfortitude, your child will learn
to trust himself or herself andmake good decisions.
Mentally strong parents don'texpect perfection or intervene
(14:46):
every time their child makes amistake.
Putting too much pressure on achild is just not healthy.
The best thing to do is toencourage your child to strive
for excellence, not perfection.
Instead of overcriticizing, saywords of praise and offer the
praise, criticism, praisesandwich.
(15:10):
It could go something like thisgood job cleaning your room.
I noticed that you didn't putyour shoes away in the closet,
but you made your bed very well.
Parents who push too hard forperfection instead of excellence
end up micromanaging andoverstepping their boundaries.
(15:30):
As a result, these so-calledhelicopter parents risk their
children failing to learn how tobounce back from mistakes.
The long-term consequences ofthis can lead to an inability to
acknowledge and deal withsetbacks, and this can lead to
difficulty transitioning intoadulthood, discomfort making
(15:51):
decisions without input, andproblems taking care of
emotional and physical needs.
Instead, mentally strong parentshelp their children learn and
grow from mistakes by teachingthem that what matters is how
they overcome problems.
You can explain to them that youmake mistakes, you learn from
(16:14):
them, and that we're all a workin progress.
Mentally strong parents don'tshelter their children from
pain.
It's absolutely normal to wantto protect your children from
discomfort, but not letting themexperience pain sends them the
message that they're fragile.
(16:34):
When children learn how to copewith the stresses of life, such
as the death of a loved one, jobloss for a parent, etc., they
build self-esteem andproblem-solving skills.
They realize that they arecapable, competent, and
resilient.
On the other hand, children whonever learned how to manage pain
(16:56):
may become adults who spendtheir whole lives trying to
avoid pain through unhealthycoping mechanisms.
When you acknowledge and dealwith pain, especially emotional
pain, rather than minimizing itor denying it, it heightens your
senses and makes you better ableto realize and recognize joy.
(17:20):
You also become more empatheticand understanding of the world
around you, making it easier torelate to people and build
social bonds.
Also, pain captures yourattention and makes you very
aware of what's happening in thepresent moment, giving you
valuable insights intomindfulness.
(17:42):
Mentally strong parents do notprevent their children from
experiencing the whole spectrumof human emotions.
Many parents are uncomfortablewith open displays of negative
feelings.
They might change the subject ortry to cheer their children up
rather than letting themexperience sadness or hurt.
(18:04):
This is usually not the bestapproach because when children
are learning to manage difficultemotions, they need validation
and support, not distraction.
If they can't tolerate feelingsad, they'll be less willing to
take risks later on because ofthe fear of failure or
(18:25):
rejection.
So let your child build his orher mental and emotional muscles
by fully experiencing a widerange of emotions.
This is the healthiest approachsince your children won't be
able to avoid boredom, guilt,disappointment, or frustration
their entire lives.
(18:46):
You can teach your child how todeal with his or her emotions
early on.
Being able to resolve challengeswithout aggression,
manipulation, or falling prey tounhealthy habits pays off in
adulthood.
Researchers at Penn StateUniversity indicated that
children who exhibit morepro-social skills like getting
(19:10):
along with others and sharing atage five are more likely to
finish college and have afull-time job by the age of 25.
Meanwhile, kindergartners whostruggle with the skills of
getting along with others andsharing are less likely to
finish school and are more atrisk for substance abuse and
(19:34):
legal issues.
Introduce the concept ofemotional intelligence to your
family and try talking aboutyour own feelings and asking
your children to elaborate ontheirs.
To build an emotionalvocabulary, encourage your
children to describe whatthey're feeling rather than
(19:54):
merely the specific action thatmade them upset.
For example, your child may ask,why would she have chocolate ice
cream at her birthday party?
This may be something as simpleas changing the script and
saying, I'm annoyed.
Using specific feeling wordssuch as nervous, annoyed,
(20:19):
anxious, etc., can help yourchildren identify their emotions
and take responsibility forthem.
Let your children know that it'sokay to feel the way they feel
and teach them mood busters sothat they don't end up being
stuck in their emotions.
This will promoteself-awareness, which is an
(20:40):
essential aspect of managingemotions.
You can have them do somethingas simple as writing a list of
things that make them feelhappy, like playing outside or
drawing pictures.
Together, you can brainstormhealthy ways for your children
to take control of their mood,calm themselves down, or cheer
(21:01):
themselves up.
Teaching children to open quotechange the channel, close quote,
can help them change theirbehavior by changing their
thoughts.
For example, the next time yourchild feels anxious, tell him or
her to think about panda bearsfor 30 seconds.
Then tell him or her to think ofanything except panda bears for
(21:26):
30 seconds.
Most children report that pandabears keep appearing in their
thoughts.
Then give your child a simpletask that requires his or her
full attention, like sorting adeck of cards by suit in 30
seconds.
When he or she has finished, askif they thought about panda
(22:32):
bears, and usually the answerwill be no.
This can show your child howchanging his or her behavior can
help change his or her thoughts.
You can find other healthy waysto quote unquote change the
channel in the future, likeshooting hoops or baking
(22:54):
cupcakes.
Mentally strong parentsunderstand the difference
between discipline andpunishment.
It goes without saying, raisinga child requires a lot of
energy.
When you're low on reserves, youmay be tempted to fall back onto
(23:16):
the easiest, quickest measuresto get your children to behave,
things like yelling, punishment,or shaming.
But what's the cost of this typeof punishment?
Children who are yelled at orpublicly humiliated may become
sophisticated liars and poordecision makers as adults,
(23:37):
according to the research.
Some researchers even suggestthat spanking has proven to
increase aggression, behavioralproblems, and mental health
issues.
This author points out thatthese points have been proven by
the research, although this iswhere I disagree with her
(23:57):
findings.
Based on my experience, spankinghelps to reinforce the correct
behavioral problems becausethere's something about that
pain that brings remembrance toyour prior actions.
And children typically want toavoid those actions as much as
possible.
(24:18):
The thing about punishment isthat it focuses on your child's
mistakes, whereas healthydiscipline, on the other hand,
focuses on learning andimproving.
I think that both have theirplace, and there should be a
balance between healthydiscipline and what the author
calls harsh punishment.
(24:39):
Children need to understand therules, boundaries, and
limitations of the householdthey live in and recognize their
parents as the ultimateauthority figures.
Mentally strong parents avoidquick fixes.
Do you ever find yourself takingproblem-related shortcuts like
(25:00):
giving in to your child when heor she whines and screams?
Or you end up cleaning a messyroom when your child refuses to
do so?
Or do you use emotion-relatedshortcuts to temporarily relieve
stress, like taking the familyto the park to put off dealing
(25:21):
with the situation?
All of these tactics teach yourchildren that it's okay to take
shortcuts when confronted withdifficult circumstances.
Instead of the shortcuts, showyour children the importance of
persistence.
Help them set goals, such asreading a certain number of
(25:42):
books over a summer vacation,for example.
According to researchers atStanford University, children
with self-control to wait for areward rather than receiving a
small reward right away hadbetter outcomes later in life,
including superior SAT scoresand a decreased likelihood of
(26:07):
obesity or drug use 30 yearslater.
Whatever the disciplinarymeasures you use, it takes hard
work to be consistent, but it'svital that you are.
Give yourself time to rechargeyour batteries and utilize
self-care to nourish yourinternal well-being and provide
(26:30):
you with the energy you need tokeep making the best choices for
you and your children.
The last key point is thatmentally strong parents make
sure their actions match theirvalues.
As a parent, you're jugglingmany things all the time, every
(26:50):
day.
But the final thing mentallystrong parents do is zoom out,
play the long game, and considerthe big picture.
Are your children learning theright life lessons?
Children learn your values fromwhat you do more than what you
say.
(27:11):
Do you prioritize achievementover kindness, for example?
So how do you put values intopractice?
One way proposed by the authoris by creating a family mission
statement.
Parents can get together todiscuss the values they want
(27:31):
their children to learn.
Then they organize the familymeeting to ask questions such as
what makes us a family?
And what kinds of things are weable to accomplish as a family?
Now, this may or may not bepractical for your situation,
but you can certainly reiteratethe family's values when rules
(27:53):
have been broken.
The important thing is to teachyour values early by modeling
and explaining what they arewhen your children are
preschoolers.
You may say, for example, I'mhelping with the school
fundraising activities becauseit's important to stay engaged
with your school and to ensurethat they have the resources
(28:17):
they need for you to do well inschool.
This way your children willlearn that mentally strong
people use what they have to tryto make the world a better
place.
These are the four things totake away from this review.
One, guilt and fear can lead topoor parenting choices.
(28:40):
Two, a praise, criticism, praisesandwich can motivate your child
to do his or her best.
Three, utilizing various formsof discipline help to reinforce
family values.
And four, taking shortcutsnegates messages about what
(29:04):
matters most for your family andyour children.
As is the usual case with theseend-of-the-month episodes, I end
with relevant quotes or a cleanjoke.
I share this joke for youramusement.
Two kids, aged eight and six,decide they should start
(29:29):
cursing.
So the eight-year-old says,Let's start at breakfast.
You say ass and I'll say hell.
So they go downstairs and sitdown for breakfast.
The mother looks at theeight-year-old and says, What do
you want for breakfast?
He says, Oh hell, I guess I wantsome Cheerios.
(29:51):
The mother spanks him on thebutt and sends him upstairs.
He cries the whole way.
She then asks the six-year-oldwhat he wants for breakfast.
He says, I'm not sure, but youcan bet your ass it ain't gonna
be Cheerios.
(30:12):
Did you enjoy this episode?
If so, go to my podcast websiteat K12Education
Insights.budsprout.com and leaveme a text message about how
you're enjoying my show.
You can go to the episodedescription page and click on
the Send Me a Text Message link.
(30:33):
The website again isK12Education
Insights.budsprout.com and leaveme a text message.
Thanks for listening today.
Be sure to come back in the K12Educational Discussions with
even more exciting topics to getthe insights on.
Until next time, if you wantsomething every day.
Welcome to another episode of K-12 Public Education
Insights, Empowering Parents ofColor Podcast.
The podcast that converges atthe intersection of educational
research and parental actions.
It's about making the trends,topics, and theories in public
(01:00):
education understandable so thatyou can implement them into
practical, actionable strategiesthat work for your children.
My name is Dr.
Kim J.
Fields, former corporatemanager, turned education
researcher, and advocate, andI'm the host of this podcast.
(01:22):
I got into this space afterdealing with some frustrating
interactions with schooleducators and administrators, as
well as experiencing themicroaggressions that I faced as
an African-American mom raisingmy two kids who were in the
public school system.
I really wanted to understandhow teachers were trained and
(01:46):
what the research provided aboutthe challenges of the public
education system.
Once I gained the informationand the insights that I needed,
I was then equipped to be ableto successfully support my
children in their educationalprogress.
This battle-tested experience iswhat I provide as action steps
(02:11):
for you to take.
It's like enjoying a bowl ofeducational research with a
sprinkling of motherwood wisdomon top.
If you're looking to find outmore about the current
information and issues ineducation that could affect you
or your children, and the actionsteps you can take to give your
(02:36):
children the advantages theyneed, then you're in the right
place.
Thanks for tuning in today.
I know that staying informedabout K-12 public education
trends and topics is importantto you, so keep listening.
Give me 30 minutes or less, andI'll provide insights on the
(03:00):
latest trends, issues, andtopics pertaining to this
constantly evolving K-12 publiceducation environment.
You're more than a parent.
You're a person with individualneeds, wants, and desires.
You show up for your family,friends, and children.
(03:22):
While you support your childrenthrough their educational
attainment journey, you alsoneed support because you can't
help your child be his or herbest if you're not at your best.
These end of the month episodesare dedicated to helping you on
a personal level feel supportedand empowered to elevate your
(03:47):
parenting journey.
I call these once-a-monthepisodes the half-hour headway:
Quick Tips for InitiatingTransformation.
In this episode, I thought I'ddo something different in a way.
I'm kind of weird in that I lovedoing research on topics that
(04:07):
interest me, and the fun partabout that is that based on my
training, I compare the keyideas from several sources.
I decided to explore what someof the latest books about
parenting mindset, raisingsuccessful children, and
thinking outside the box forparents would reveal.
(04:29):
This is the first book I'll bereviewing on this once-a-month
episode, and the book isThirteen Things Mentally Strong
Parents Don't Do by Amy Morin.
It's impossible to read everytext or magazine article or blog
(04:51):
about parenting, but some of theinformation can prove useful.
I hope you find this informationvaluable for you.
Let me know what you think aboutme discussing certain books from
time to time on these once amonth episodes by sending me a
text message on my podcastwebsite, K12Education
(05:13):
Insights.buzzbrout.com.
You can leave me that textmessage and let me know by
simply stating start, stop, orcontinue with these types of
book review episodes.
Congratulations, you've become aparent.
(05:35):
There's no manual you can go toto teach you all things
parenting, so you learn as yougo.
Your first child is theexperiment, and because you want
to do everything quote unquoteright, you might go a little bit
overboard in every area.
For example, you record theprecise measurements of length
(05:56):
and weight.
You test the temperature oftheir bath water with a
thermometer.
You make sure that when theystart to eat foods, they eat
food in the strict order thatthe pediatrician recommended.
And you feel that there is noone who could take better care
of your child than you.
(06:19):
If perchance they caught a coldbecause you had to leave them at
daycare when you went back towork, you quit your job because
those people were not takingcare of your child as well as
you could.
Oh wait, that might have justhappened in my case.
(06:39):
Anyway, seeking the advice ofmothers, aunts, friends, etc.
who had kids before you could bea good thing.
Gleaning tidbits of informationfrom experts who specialize in
parenting could also bebeneficial.
You take what applies to you anddiscard the rest.
(07:02):
Do you consider yourself amentally strong parent?
I reveal what this book ThirteenThings Mentally Strong Parents
Don't Do by Amy Morin may add toyour knowledge and understanding
of what mentally strong parentsdon't do to raise children who
(07:24):
are self aware, self assured,and resilient.
Let's gain some insights onthis.
Frederick Douglass once saidit's easier to build strong
children than to repair brokenmen.
So while they're under yourroof, how can you ensure that
(07:47):
you're teaching your kids theright skills and values?
What do your children need mostin order to become self-reliant,
responsible, and happy adults?
Raising self-assured childrenand training their brains for a
life of happiness, meaning, andsuccess is the ultimate goal
(08:10):
when we have children.
Parents want their children tohave the best possible future,
but you might be surprised tolearn that positive emotional
and behavioral development arejust as integral to success as
academic achievement.
These are the eight key ideasfrom this book.
(08:33):
Mentally strong parents promoteaccountability, sponsorability,
and perseverance over a victimmentality.
There is very little in lifethat benefits a person as much
as learning to be mentallystrong.
A mentally strong person is morelikely to turn setbacks into
(08:55):
opportunities and facechallenges without feeling sorry
for himself or herself.
You may be thinking, what's thebest way to raise a mentally
strong child?
The answer is by practicinggood, healthy habits yourself,
which makes you capable ofpassing them on to your child.
(09:18):
For example, it's natural todefend your child when they've
been wronged.
The age of social media has ledmany parents to encourage
feelings of victimhood inresponse to every slight.
Mentally strong parents don't dothis.
At the end of the day, you wantyour child to be empowered to
(09:38):
handle life's challenges ratherthan always seeing himself or
herself as the victim ofcircumstance.
Giving up should not be anoption.
Stepping in to help your childduring periods of productive
struggle enables them with alearned helplessness response.
(10:00):
Encourage your child to persistin overcoming challenges,
handling responsibilities, andkeeping them accountable because
this will create an environmentin which they believe change is
possible.
Mentally strong parents don'tlet their children avoid
responsibility.
Instead of letting your childblame others for his or her
(10:26):
problems, hold your childaccountable and let him or her
face the consequences of his orher actions.
If you don't, how is the childsupposed to learn to cope with
the inevitable injustices theywill face in life?
Mentally strong parents teachtheir children healthy ways to
(10:50):
deal with guilt and fear.
Most parents, and that is about94%, feel that they're not being
good parents and sometimes feelguilty about their parenting
decisions.
But having too much anxietyabout being a quote unquote bad
parent can lead to the mistakeof making parenting decisions
(11:14):
using guilt as your guide.
The problem with guilt is thatit encourages parents to give in
to their child's demands, whichtemporarily allows them to avoid
feeling guilty in that moment.
If the guilt is warranted, thenit may be a sign that you need
(11:36):
to change your behavior.
But if the guilt isn'twarranted, don't catastrophize.
Forgive yourself and rememberthat you are a role model for
your child.
Model good behavior.
It's also important to teachyour child self-reliance so that
they are equipped for thetransition to adulthood.
(12:01):
Mentally strong parents setstrong boundaries so that their
children don't think that theworld revolves around them or
that they don't get the ideathat they hold power over you.
It's one thing to want yourchild to believe in him or
herself.
But being convinced that yourchild is exceptional can lead to
(12:27):
a sense of entitlement.
The danger with this is adiminished capacity for empathy,
perpetual dissatisfaction, and abelief that the child shouldn't
have to try hard to get what heor she wants.
Some parents overdo this byshowering their children with
affection to overcompensate forlack they experienced in their
(12:52):
own childhoods.
This is the time to teach yourchild humility, not
overindulgence.
Praise your children with theeffort they put in to accomplish
a goal and then introducegratitude as a way to
acknowledge the things they'regrateful for in their lives.
Feelings of awe can also offer anew sense of perspective, giving
(13:17):
your child opportunities toexperience awe, like witnessing
a natural wonder or visiting adinosaur exhibit.
Remind your child that he or sheis in the presence of something
greater than themselves.
Also, to truly empower yourchild, it's important to
(13:38):
establish a clear hierarchywithin your household.
This means setting rules,boundaries, and limitations
without wavering, followingthrough with consequences,
offering rewards instead ofbribes, and presenting a united
front with your partner.
(13:59):
Trust me, your child knows thedifference between you and your
partner and will use that,especially if you're not on the
same page to get what he or shewants.
If they get away with this once,they'll do it again.
Therefore, a united front iskey.
This is necessary because toomuch power is not good for your
(14:22):
child's development.
The whole reason that the childpushes boundaries is to be
assured that you have thingsunder control.
When you demonstrate mentalfortitude, your child will learn
to trust himself or herself andmake good decisions.
Mentally strong parents don'texpect perfection or intervene
(14:46):
every time their child makes amistake.
Putting too much pressure on achild is just not healthy.
The best thing to do is toencourage your child to strive
for excellence, not perfection.
Instead of overcriticizing, saywords of praise and offer the
praise, criticism, praisesandwich.
(15:10):
It could go something like thisgood job cleaning your room.
I noticed that you didn't putyour shoes away in the closet,
but you made your bed very well.
Parents who push too hard forperfection instead of excellence
end up micromanaging andoverstepping their boundaries.
(15:30):
As a result, these so-calledhelicopter parents risk their
children failing to learn how tobounce back from mistakes.
The long-term consequences ofthis can lead to an inability to
acknowledge and deal withsetbacks, and this can lead to
difficulty transitioning intoadulthood, discomfort making
(15:51):
decisions without input, andproblems taking care of
emotional and physical needs.
Instead, mentally strong parentshelp their children learn and
grow from mistakes by teachingthem that what matters is how
they overcome problems.
You can explain to them that youmake mistakes, you learn from
(16:14):
them, and that we're all a workin progress.
Mentally strong parents don'tshelter their children from
pain.
It's absolutely normal to wantto protect your children from
discomfort, but not letting themexperience pain sends them the
message that they're fragile.
(16:34):
When children learn how to copewith the stresses of life, such
as the death of a loved one, jobloss for a parent, etc., they
build self-esteem andproblem-solving skills.
They realize that they arecapable, competent, and
resilient.
On the other hand, children whonever learned how to manage pain
(16:56):
may become adults who spendtheir whole lives trying to
avoid pain through unhealthycoping mechanisms.
When you acknowledge and dealwith pain, especially emotional
pain, rather than minimizing itor denying it, it heightens your
senses and makes you better ableto realize and recognize joy.
(17:20):
You also become more empatheticand understanding of the world
around you, making it easier torelate to people and build
social bonds.
Also, pain captures yourattention and makes you very
aware of what's happening in thepresent moment, giving you
valuable insights intomindfulness.
(17:42):
Mentally strong parents do notprevent their children from
experiencing the whole spectrumof human emotions.
Many parents are uncomfortablewith open displays of negative
feelings.
They might change the subject ortry to cheer their children up
rather than letting themexperience sadness or hurt.
(18:04):
This is usually not the bestapproach because when children
are learning to manage difficultemotions, they need validation
and support, not distraction.
If they can't tolerate feelingsad, they'll be less willing to
take risks later on because ofthe fear of failure or
(18:25):
rejection.
So let your child build his orher mental and emotional muscles
by fully experiencing a widerange of emotions.
This is the healthiest approachsince your children won't be
able to avoid boredom, guilt,disappointment, or frustration
their entire lives.
(18:46):
You can teach your child how todeal with his or her emotions
early on.
Being able to resolve challengeswithout aggression,
manipulation, or falling prey tounhealthy habits pays off in
adulthood.
Researchers at Penn StateUniversity indicated that
children who exhibit morepro-social skills like getting
(19:10):
along with others and sharing atage five are more likely to
finish college and have afull-time job by the age of 25.
Meanwhile, kindergartners whostruggle with the skills of
getting along with others andsharing are less likely to
finish school and are more atrisk for substance abuse and
(19:34):
legal issues.
Introduce the concept ofemotional intelligence to your
family and try talking aboutyour own feelings and asking
your children to elaborate ontheirs.
To build an emotionalvocabulary, encourage your
children to describe whatthey're feeling rather than
(19:54):
merely the specific action thatmade them upset.
For example, your child may ask,why would she have chocolate ice
cream at her birthday party?
This may be something as simpleas changing the script and
saying, I'm annoyed.
Using specific feeling wordssuch as nervous, annoyed,
(20:19):
anxious, etc., can help yourchildren identify their emotions
and take responsibility forthem.
Let your children know that it'sokay to feel the way they feel
and teach them mood busters sothat they don't end up being
stuck in their emotions.
This will promoteself-awareness, which is an
(20:40):
essential aspect of managingemotions.
You can have them do somethingas simple as writing a list of
things that make them feelhappy, like playing outside or
drawing pictures.
Together, you can brainstormhealthy ways for your children
to take control of their mood,calm themselves down, or cheer
(21:01):
themselves up.
Teaching children to open quotechange the channel, close quote,
can help them change theirbehavior by changing their
thoughts.
For example, the next time yourchild feels anxious, tell him or
her to think about panda bearsfor 30 seconds.
Then tell him or her to think ofanything except panda bears for
(21:26):
30 seconds.
Most children report that pandabears keep appearing in their
thoughts.
Then give your child a simpletask that requires his or her
full attention, like sorting adeck of cards by suit in 30
seconds.
When he or she has finished, askif they thought about panda
(22:32):
bears, and usually the answerwill be no.
This can show your child howchanging his or her behavior can
help change his or her thoughts.
You can find other healthy waysto quote unquote change the
channel in the future, likeshooting hoops or baking
(22:54):
cupcakes.
Mentally strong parentsunderstand the difference
between discipline andpunishment.
It goes without saying, raisinga child requires a lot of
energy.
When you're low on reserves, youmay be tempted to fall back onto
(23:16):
the easiest, quickest measuresto get your children to behave,
things like yelling, punishment,or shaming.
But what's the cost of this typeof punishment?
Children who are yelled at orpublicly humiliated may become
sophisticated liars and poordecision makers as adults,
(23:37):
according to the research.
Some researchers even suggestthat spanking has proven to
increase aggression, behavioralproblems, and mental health
issues.
This author points out thatthese points have been proven by
the research, although this iswhere I disagree with her
(23:57):
findings.
Based on my experience, spankinghelps to reinforce the correct
behavioral problems becausethere's something about that
pain that brings remembrance toyour prior actions.
And children typically want toavoid those actions as much as
possible.
(24:18):
The thing about punishment isthat it focuses on your child's
mistakes, whereas healthydiscipline, on the other hand,
focuses on learning andimproving.
I think that both have theirplace, and there should be a
balance between healthydiscipline and what the author
calls harsh punishment.
(24:39):
Children need to understand therules, boundaries, and
limitations of the householdthey live in and recognize their
parents as the ultimateauthority figures.
Mentally strong parents avoidquick fixes.
Do you ever find yourself takingproblem-related shortcuts like
(25:00):
giving in to your child when heor she whines and screams?
Or you end up cleaning a messyroom when your child refuses to
do so?
Or do you use emotion-relatedshortcuts to temporarily relieve
stress, like taking the familyto the park to put off dealing
(25:21):
with the situation?
All of these tactics teach yourchildren that it's okay to take
shortcuts when confronted withdifficult circumstances.
Instead of the shortcuts, showyour children the importance of
persistence.
Help them set goals, such asreading a certain number of
(25:42):
books over a summer vacation,for example.
According to researchers atStanford University, children
with self-control to wait for areward rather than receiving a
small reward right away hadbetter outcomes later in life,
including superior SAT scoresand a decreased likelihood of
(26:07):
obesity or drug use 30 yearslater.
Whatever the disciplinarymeasures you use, it takes hard
work to be consistent, but it'svital that you are.
Give yourself time to rechargeyour batteries and utilize
self-care to nourish yourinternal well-being and provide
(26:30):
you with the energy you need tokeep making the best choices for
you and your children.
The last key point is thatmentally strong parents make
sure their actions match theirvalues.
As a parent, you're jugglingmany things all the time, every
(26:50):
day.
But the final thing mentallystrong parents do is zoom out,
play the long game, and considerthe big picture.
Are your children learning theright life lessons?
Children learn your values fromwhat you do more than what you
say.
(27:11):
Do you prioritize achievementover kindness, for example?
So how do you put values intopractice?
One way proposed by the authoris by creating a family mission
statement.
Parents can get together todiscuss the values they want
(27:31):
their children to learn.
Then they organize the familymeeting to ask questions such as
what makes us a family?
And what kinds of things are weable to accomplish as a family?
Now, this may or may not bepractical for your situation,
but you can certainly reiteratethe family's values when rules
(27:53):
have been broken.
The important thing is to teachyour values early by modeling
and explaining what they arewhen your children are
preschoolers.
You may say, for example, I'mhelping with the school
fundraising activities becauseit's important to stay engaged
with your school and to ensurethat they have the resources
(28:17):
they need for you to do well inschool.
This way your children willlearn that mentally strong
people use what they have to tryto make the world a better
place.
These are the four things totake away from this review.
One, guilt and fear can lead topoor parenting choices.
(28:40):
Two, a praise, criticism, praisesandwich can motivate your child
to do his or her best.
Three, utilizing various formsof discipline help to reinforce
family values.
And four, taking shortcutsnegates messages about what
(29:04):
matters most for your family andyour children.
As is the usual case with theseend-of-the-month episodes, I end
with relevant quotes or a cleanjoke.
I share this joke for youramusement.
Two kids, aged eight and six,decide they should start
(29:29):
cursing.
So the eight-year-old says,Let's start at breakfast.
You say ass and I'll say hell.
So they go downstairs and sitdown for breakfast.
The mother looks at theeight-year-old and says, What do
you want for breakfast?
He says, Oh hell, I guess I wantsome Cheerios.
(29:51):
The mother spanks him on thebutt and sends him upstairs.
He cries the whole way.
She then asks the six-year-oldwhat he wants for breakfast.
He says, I'm not sure, but youcan bet your ass it ain't gonna
be Cheerios.
(30:12):
Did you enjoy this episode?
If so, go to my podcast websiteat K12Education
Insights.budsprout.com and leaveme a text message about how
you're enjoying my show.
You can go to the episodedescription page and click on
the Send Me a Text Message link.
(30:33):
The website again isK12Education
Insights.budsprout.com and leaveme a text message.
Thanks for listening today.
Be sure to come back in the K12Educational Discussions with
even more exciting topics to getthe insights on.
Until next time, if you wantsomething every day.
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