Book Review of I'm Glad My Mom Died

Episode Transcript
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Hello everyone. I'm Carl and I'm in. Welcome to our podcast discussing all of the latest

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books. This is season two episode 10. And today we are discussing I'm glad my mom died by Jeanette
McCarty. As always, we will save our ratings to the very end. We promise to give you all of our
honest opinions and all the characters, chapters and scenarios. We don't mean any harm to any of
the authors. This is solely our opinion. And as always, we promise to Carl and Mike Rouridum.

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Period. Quite a bit of heavy topics in this book. Here's a list of trigger warnings. Be sure to do
your research before you dive in because this is definitely a book that could be very triggering
for a couple different topics. So make sure you take care of yourself. There are references to
addiction, drug use, alcoholism, body shaming, cancer, child abuse, chronic illness,

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death, death of a parent, domestic violence, eating disorders, emotional abuse, fat phobia,
mental illness, panic attacks and disorders, OCD, physical abuse, terminal illness, grief, blood,
vomit, self harm, suicidal thoughts. There is anything that could be triggering is probably in

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this. And some details in the book are very graphic. We're probably not going to go into super
great detail in our episode, but the book itself is graphic. I will say that it's done in a very
good way. It's not like, obviously it's an autobiography, so it's not done for effect.
Like people use in fantasy. Be sure to take care of yourself. This is definitely a book that could

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send people spiraling. And as always, spoilers will lie ahead. Yes. So if you don't want to hear
how this book ends, please pause here, go read the book and come back to this episode. I would
highly recommend listening to the audiobook because Jeanette actually reads the book herself.
It was really interesting to hear it from her own mouth. It's a very intimate experience.

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It's almost like she's sitting next to you telling you her life story. Yeah. It's pretty cool.
Are you ready to start it? Let's get into it.
The blurb for this lovely book is this. Jeanette McCurdy was six years old when she had her first

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acting audition. Her mother's dream was for her only daughter to become a star and Jeanette would
do anything to make her mother happy. So she went along with what her mom called calorie restriction,
eating little and weighing herself five times a day. She endured extensive at home makeovers
while mom chided, your eyelashes are invisible. Okay. You think Dakota Fanning doesn't tint hers?

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She was even showered by mom until age 16 and was also forced to share her diaries, emails,
and entire income. And I'm glad my mom died. Jeanette recounts all of this in unflinching detail.
Just as she chronicles what happens when the dream finally comes true,
Cass in a new Nickelodeon series called I Carly, she is thrust into fame. Though mom is

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ecstatic, emailing fan club moderators and getting on a first name basis with the paparazzi,
hi gal. Jeanette is riddled with anxiety, shame, and self loathe,
self loathing, which manifests into eating disorders, addiction, and a series of unhealthy
relationships. These issues only get worse when soon after taking the lead in the I Carly
spinoff, Sam and Kat alongside Ariana Grande, her mother dies of cancer. Finally, after discovering

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therapy and quitting acting, Jeanette embarks on recovery and decides for the first time in her
life what she really wants. Told with refreshing candor and dark humor, I'm glad my mom died as
an inspiring, inspiring story of resilience, independence, and the joy of shampooing your own
hair. It is told in unflinching detail and it is with refreshing candor and dark humor before we

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read it. I've been told multiple times you have to read it. I was scared it wasn't going to live
up to the hype. 1000% lived up to the hype. Starting off with part one of the book, we get the
background story. If you're not familiar with Jeanette McCarty, she starred on Nickelodeon for
quite a few years. She apparently did quite a few odd jobs, which I think was kind of a lot of

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more mature context that she was probably starring in than what we were at that age. But I watched
I Carly growing up. I've watched the rerun of I Carly. So very familiar with her acting as far as
that goes. But she lives in Garden Grove with her parents, maternal grandparents, and her three
older brothers. She has an extremely close relationship with her mother who is diagnosed

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with cancer years before, but it's in remission. At age six, she began her acting career because
of her mother who dreamed to become an actress. And Jeanette was extremely disinterested in acting,
but feels that her purpose in her life is to keep her mom happy and calm. So she acts in several
different roles in commercials, television, things like that. And after struggling with anxiety over

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auditions, she develops a voice in her head, which she believes is the Holy Spirit. And this voice
instructs her to perform certain rituals that helps Jeanette calm down. So when her grandfather
suggests that she may have OCD, her mother is dismissive. And after noticing that her body's
changing, she also fears that she's growing up and will no longer be able to be cast in children's
roles, which will disappoint her mother. So she asked her mother how she can stop her body from

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changing. And so she starts talking about helping her with calorie restrictions. So she has three
brothers, like I said, Marcus, Dustin, and Scott, and they're all at her mother's bedside and starting
off the book. Being their mother knew they think will make her wake up, which to me, honestly,
kind of showed me how a little bit like immature and like closeted their their lives were. Because

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like, I really feel like all of them in some sort of sense, because I mean, they even talk about,
you know, her brother and stuff later on in the book, being showered by their mother as well.
I think that they all were sheltered so much that it was immature thought they're like, oh,
my mom will wake up from this coma if I just come up with a great thing to make her wake up, you know.
I mean, she's the youngest one, isn't she? All of a sudden? Yeah, I think so. And she was pretty

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mature at this point. To me, I think having that scene and getting to see what her brother said
to as opposed to just her also helped them a little bit more in perspective as well.
Because we don't go into grave detail about the boys. There's a couple of things here and there
so we can see their trauma is probably different than hers. You know, obviously being a woman is
different anyways. They didn't see it as the same traumatic level or whatever. You know what I mean?

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Like there's different things there that we don't get to explore. But I did like just a little bit
to show us where they were, how they were doing. Because it's so interesting to me that two children
can live in the same household, be raised the exact same way and experience it totally differently.
I like to be able to see a little bit of the brothers. I honestly would even like it maybe a

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little bit more, maybe like a chapter of what they thought their experience was like. Just
I don't know if a chapter, if it was like Jeanette's experience, I don't know if a chapter would be able
to cover everything. I don't think it would be like Jeanette's experience. I more or less would like
something from their perspective that says I noticed these things or I didn't notice them

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until I was older that it was inappropriate or I still don't realize it. You know, whatever it is,
like for example, how the mom and dad operated and spoke to each other and acted. Did they
realize that was inappropriate? Because Jeanette didn't for a long time. Yeah. Did the boys
realize it was happening? I just find it fascinating. Yeah. Well, I found it extremely
sad that she thought her exciting news was not like, Oh, you know, I had a normal day today or

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something like that. It was like, Oh, I'm 89 pounds. When she said that, and reading the book, I was
like, Oh, no, it's gonna be really bad. And she says basically, like she reflects on who she is now
is not who she wants to live like anymore, just to please her mom. But a quote she does say is

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I can't make sense of it. If the way isn't enough to get my mom to wake up, then nothing will be.
If nothing can wake her up, then that means she's really going to die. And if she's really going
to die, what am I supposed to do with myself? My life's purpose has always been to make mom happy,
to be who she wanted me to be. So without mom, whom am I supposed to be now?
I gotta say, when I first like heard about this book and going into it, I thought it was gonna be

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written from like, I thought while mom was still alive, she was gonna have that realization like
I want her to die. Like I want the cancer to take her as opposed to years later, does she realize
that it was in her best benefit for her mom to pass away. Yeah. So that was really interesting
to see the opposite side of it. I think to be honest, I mean, the way she went about it,

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I think her mom sheltered her still even in adulthood and stuff so much that she was impossible
for her to ever come to that realization. I think as long as her mom was alive.
Yeah, that's fair. I don't think she would have ever had that opportunity. Now, if maybe like
she went to live with Miranda for a little bit, maybe that could have changed something. But I
also don't think that Miranda at the age she was at would have been able to healthily handle

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everything Jeanette had done pack as well. So yeah, I don't know if I would have ended up well
for Miranda at the same time. Yeah, no, that's fair. I just didn't know because it does happen that
at some point you realize what's happening to you and what you want is for the person to go away.
We started out with her wish at her six year old birthday party about how to keep mom alive.

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Yeah, I kind of thought we would end up at some point at a birthday party where it'd be the opposite.
But it was really fascinating. Honestly, if her mom wasn't alive, she could catch these hands
that she's dead. So anyways, when you mentioned the birthday party, I did hate that like her mom
literally everywhere she went, she used her cancer diagnosis as a way to draw attention or get what

(10:15):
she wanted. And just a simple six year old birthday party. Jeanette was not even focused on the fact
that it was her birthday party. It was a where's mom at what's mom doing? I've got to make sure she's
happy. I mean, just terrible. Yeah, at six years old, you could have a perfectly normal and mentally
stable mother who has cancer, and your child still be concerned and consumed with taking care of mom.

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But then it goes a step further. And like, even when she's in remission, and she's doing well for
year, you know, she doesn't have cancer anymore for years, like, it's still constant cancer, this
cancer, that this cancer, that. And like, I'm sure once your mom gets better, you probably want to
forget and like pretend like she never really had cancer. But you can do that in this scenario,

(10:58):
because mom brought it up every five seconds. When I think, I think her mom really did it as a
tension seeking kind of thing. Absolutely. I don't think it was about the cancer whatsoever.
Whatever she could use. And to be honest, I kind of even at some point started to wonder if the
cancer diagnosis was actually even real in the first place. Like, you know what I mean? Like,

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just the way she was, it would not have surprised me if she played off that she was sick just to
get some attention. I had that thought too. I wondered if it was fake until it came back and
it was killing her. And she said that she could tell, but I did too for a while. I thought, I
wonder if she even had cancer or did she have a cancer scare? Yeah. She had cancer. You know, I

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will say though, mom's mom, grandma, no wonder mom turned out the way she did. We kind of breezed.
We talk, Jeanette hits it a little bit about grandma, but I kind of wish she would have dived
into that like acknowledging that her mom was a product of her grandma also. Yeah.
Which is a hard thing to do because, you know, that person is the one that traumatized you

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directly. And I'm not saying it excuses a single thing her mother did. It does not. I wholeheartedly
believe you can acknowledge your trauma and get better and not traumatize your children.
But it also would have been interesting to sort of explore that of like the cycle that Jeanette
is breaking. Yeah, absolutely. As opposed to just her mom being a horrible person. So we do get a
couple instances where her mom goes off on ramps. Her mom does vent about how she's destined for

(12:27):
this better life. She needs to have a financially stable man, career as an actress, all this kind
of stuff. And she's talking about how like her parents are to blame for this. You, we find out
later that you literally cheated on your husband four times. At least. A musician. Yeah. And so
you have a financially stable man because you have a man that's going to work every single day.

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And then you were with a musician, which is not financially stable. I'm kind of confused.
And I wish it would have gone into more with what her life was like a little bit. But I know that
that the way that Jeanette would have heard it from her mother would have not been truthful. And I
don't think if she got it from her grandmother, it would have been truthful either. But it would
have been interesting to maybe hear it from her dad's point of view, her biological dad. Because

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I do feel like based off the one little interaction, he kind of seemed normal. Yeah. I don't know. Well,
and I thought like, okay, so the oldest son is husband, who she thought is her dad. The her and
the her and her other two brothers are the affair man. Okay. So

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mom had three kids by this other man. Yeah. And her husband, dad knew it. And she still screamed
and yelled at him and all that stuff. And he still took it. I wanted to know more about why he stayed.
Yeah. Also, especially because he ends up with mom's best friend who stole the baby name.
Then I started wondering, was it his baby, low key? And we don't know that part. There was too much

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drama and I needed more explanation of the drama, partially because I'm nosy, but also partially
for it to make sense. Because I guess I was a little confused as to when she even could have
cheated to be quavering. But I guess that was before Jeanette really. So I then wanted to know
when it stopped exactly. What is the likelihood that you hook up three times in a permanent
every single time? You know what I mean? So I had to have a full affair. And he knew about the

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kids, but he didn't try to make contact or get to know them or anything. That's weird. There were
definitely lacking details and I wanted more information. I will say though, bottom line,
if I worked two jobs, came home to that woman yelling at me and calling me names and hitting

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me and throwing things at me and making me sleep in my car. The minimal thing that I'm going to do
is probably have an affair. I think you should just leave anyways. Well, so I'm wondering if he
was cheating also. I wonder if they're both were stepping out. I sense that for sure at the end of
her life that had to be the case if they got together that quickly. But my question is how

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that many adults lived under the same roof and they couldn't afford bills. I agree. I couldn't
figure out how they were that poor. If dad was working two jobs, grandpa worked. I know Disneyland
or Disney World or whatever doesn't pay their people that great. But at the same time, dad's
working two jobs. Mom could have sold things on the side with grandma and grandpa also worked. It

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didn't seem like that big of a house, but I don't know if it was because visually I was thinking
like mounds of hoarding. So it just made the house seem smaller. But at the same time, she talked about
how poor she basically was. It still didn't make sense how in the world they all couldn't afford
rent, even if it was a four bedroom. But here's the crazy thing, not even couldn't afford rent because

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she admitted they really didn't pay rent because it was dad's parents that own the house. So
what were you paying? I don't know. I also struggled like and maybe
maybe I don't, I'm not minimizing. Maybe she was really as poor as she made it sound. I don't know.
But maybe it seemed so poor to her because she grew up in like California around people who

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probably have a ton of money and had everything they ever wanted. She emphasized how her mom was
all the time like deterring bill collectors, but then going to the mall and splurging on stuff.
So I don't think maybe they weren't actually poor. Maybe they had poor financial management.
Yeah. Maybe that's what it was. But I kept saying, how do you not afford your rent or some groceries?

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Also, if you have that many kids that have people in the house, I guarantee somebody
qualifies for government assistance for groceries at least. Well, I do think it's probably money
management because if it's hoarding, more than likely she's probably splurging her money on her hoards
instead of. As soon as she described the house, I had to put it out of my mind. I'm not diagnosed

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OCD, but my OCD, I was like, I can't even picture what the house looks like because I
won't be able to read this book. Like I have to turn off. So anytime she brought up the house,
I just like not listening blackout. So they start going to auditions and her mom and her mom,

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it really disgusts me. She was like, I'm making sacrifices for you for driving you into these
auditions. And I was just like, shut up. I want to know what you were the one that wanted her to
do this. So don't sit there and complain about it the entire time you're having to do everything
to get her there. Correct. And let me add this before I move on because this really isn't important
to the storyline, but and I don't be offended by this if you were homeschooled. But the majority

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of my life, I've heard like, if you're homeschooled, you're probably weird. Okay. You're probably in
a cult or you have some religion that like you don't socialize. We know whatever it is. So you're
very much not socialized. So you don't act the same way that, you know, typical for your peers
around your age that are socialized. Well, I mean, you don't have this much exposure to people.
All I could think about was them being homeschooled too. No wonder they were weird and traumatized.

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They spent every waking minute with this woman. If they had gone to school, they might have had at
least a little bit of a better chance. I mean, heck, the fact that church was her getaway was sad to
me as well. Yeah, three hours. That's all she looked forward to. Yeah. And half a 10 even go.
I just wanted to hug Jeanette this entire book. I just wanted to hug her and be like,

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I'm so sorry. And if she was live, I'd whoop her ass for you still. She deserved to have an ass whooping.
But she's dead now. So I can't do that. I hope she blocks grandma and never talks to grandma.
Yeah. Because grandma is part of the problem. Yeah. Grandpa sounded lovely. But if you can't
have contact with grandpa and not grandma, then you have to cut both of them off. It's so strange

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to me that neither grandpa or dad did anything to set this woman in her place or to set her straight.
You know, something's got to be wrong to know your kids are actively being traumatized and braided
and witnessing all of this and to do nothing about it really makes me mad. Yeah, I agree.
Mom or dad's perspective. Grandpa especially because I mean, dad, after we found out he was

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not biological dad, kind of his behaviors made sense that she was describing like he was kind of
disattached and stuff. Yes. Kind of made sense. But grandpa, she talked about how loving and caring
he was towards her and it just confused me a lot. I agree. However, speaking from experience, I have

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had the same set of grandparents growing up and kind of similar situations on father's side. So
like my grandfather didn't speak up and always defended my grandmother, even though half the time
it was all of our faults and not hers, even though most of it worked the same way. So I mean,

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kind of an understand where that's kind of the case. At that point, I think you just have to cut
them both off then. I did. Even if grandpa has good intentions, but has misguided or whatever,
you still unfortunately, if he's not going to send up to grandma, especially when it's so I feel like
if she just has like a difference in personality or if there's like this one thing in particular

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that she does, but like it's not it's not harmful. It's not, you know, intentionally being hateful.
This woman in this book is intentionally being hateful. Yeah. She's intentionally gaslighting
and manipulating her like the entire time. And that is not okay. No, for anybody to do that to
anybody, much less a grandma to a grandchild. So it really bothered me that grandpa seems so loving

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and didn't do anything. Yeah. I wanted grandpa to leave grandma and go live with Jeanette.
Some healing probably would have happened if they'd done that.
It also bothered me the fact that the mom was like, I'm going to only take money for your
essentials. And I was like, okay, well, and then that's what got me thinking that maybe she was

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not spending her money smartly because I was just like, okay, well, what do you classify as your
essentials? Because if you're a hoarder, everything's essential because you can't throw anything out.
The fact that she talked about like she had baggies with broken coffee mugs or little
animal carcasses in your house that you can't throw out. I was honestly curious how when they did

(21:43):
go public, how people did not smell them. If you are living around animal carcasses, how are you
a not being sick all the time and be people are not smelling that on you. I did probably smell them.
Why did they not get reported to CPS at some point?
So you have to keep in mind this was 20 something years ago. So nowadays, I bet it would get reported.

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Also think nowadays we keep a better check on people who are homeschooled. We have a system
for them to be homeschooled. There has to be some sort of record. It's not like they just on a whim
get to decide and nobody knows about it. It has to be some level they're following to meet
requirements. They don't always do that, obviously, but there's some sort of system now back in this
day, there probably wasn't a system at all. But I don't know, CPS should have been called and I'm

(22:35):
I'm hard pressed to say that this kid. So I'm telling this is I just like the whole time was
like my mouth just opened the whole time jaw dropped. Every time something would happen.
When we first started, she said it in a way that you could experience it how baby or child
Jeanette experienced it how like it wasn't shocking. It wasn't new. It wasn't wrong to her.

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That's just how it was. That's what we did. You know what I mean? Like it wasn't. So you got to
experience the ride with her of the up and downs and oh my gosh, it was just really good
in a really morbid way because it's awful. And she was talking about the essential but
I found it really sad that she didn't even want to tell her mom that there was like a

(23:17):
principal actor role that it was just like background roles because she was afraid of
like how her mom was going to react. And like
like basically the agent at the time I thought that one was just like, you know, hey, does she
even want to act? And she's like, absolutely. She wants this more than anything. And I was like,

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you as the agent should have looked at that child and been like, do you really honey? Like,
please tell me the truth. Like, mom, shut up. Let me talk to the child who I'm actually asking
about. So I don't care. They're just lining their pockets. Yeah, true. So she ended up getting
a role on X files. And so they are on their way there and the mom's like super excited and she's

(24:02):
like carefree and it's just she makes a comment. I wish she was like this more often. She literally
caters her entire day to day around making mom happy. The perfect example is when they're trying
on to get their life together to go to church. Jeanette's literally cleaning what her brothers
have spilled in the floor to avoid her mom stepping into it and her mom is a stepping into it. She

(24:23):
already knows the order of operations of what's going to happen with her mom's reaction. And it's
just like a domino effect. It's just so, so I don't know. I don't even know how to describe the
misery in it. I just I hate that. And then her mom just goes off rockers with I mean, and honestly,
I wonder, does she have the multiple personality or disorders? I'm honestly curious. I think she's

(24:48):
probably bipolar bipolar for sure. More than thing. Her mania was going back. Oh yeah,
she probably did. But I definitely think she was probably bipolar. Just the switch back
forward. Yeah, you're right. I'm sure she had multiple, which okay. And I'm not playing devil's
advocate. But it would have been if she was still alive. It would have been interesting

(25:13):
to have a chapter in her perspective to understand her brain better. Yeah, being a hoarder or someone
who hoards that that is a mental illness. It is classed out as a mental almost all in itself,
much less you add on bipolar or anything else you add in there. So the pure chaos in her brain

(25:34):
would have been chaotic on page, but also it would have been so enlightening to sort of step
back and see, I don't know. Like I said, it would have been cool to have something showing from
grandma to mom to see is it genetic? Was there something that happened to her that traumatized

(25:54):
her that caused it? It just would have been really interesting. And grandma, obviously, I think
grandma was very mentally ill as well, probably needed to be diagnosed and medicated. But I think
that about a lot of people. So we see the different kinds of behavior. But at one point, her dad's
late coming home from work and her mom attacks him with a knife and tells him to get out of the house.
Jeanette literally talks about how she's cheering her mother on for trying to stab her father. I'm

(26:18):
just like, how is this even anywhere near acceptable? I don't understand how more neighbors did not
call the police. I know she talked about one neighbor calling that one time. But how are so
many people in the neighborhood not hearing this? I was surprised that none of the other moms at the
auditions ever called the CPS to check on them. Did the moms at the audition ever see the violence?

(26:48):
No, not as a violence. But I just mean like the one mom who said I'm concerned about your
daughter and that she has anorexia or the dance. And Jeanette's mom was like, mind your business.
Yeah. I'm surprised that mom never made a call or never asked questions. The other thing to be
concerned, the doctors, yeah, the doctor said I have concerns and that child didn't come back,
that doctor should have followed up. And they're mandated reporters. So like it's obviously easier

(27:13):
said than done because you get busy, you have a million clients a day or whatever. But there's
checks and balances that should have been followed through. I think the saddest part about this book
is just there's so many people that failed her. Yeah. Like, and I'm not just talking about 10
people, there's like 50 people that failed her. So I will say of all the negative, it was nice to hear

(27:40):
that Miranda was somebody she actually had a real relationship with, could trust and opened up to
you and was supportive. Every time we do these documentaries or these like behind the scenes
of your favorite TV show, it's never good. Yeah. Everybody hated each other. The set isn't
extremely toxic. There's perverts, whatever, just all kinds of stuff. Yeah. So I was like,
please, please don't tell me that you two actually hate each other because I loved iCarly.

(28:05):
Loved it. I didn't watch the rerun and I didn't watch Sam and Cat. I was too old by the time
that came out. But I loved iCarly and I watched from the first to the last episode. They even had
one direction on there and I just thought it was the coolest thing ever like any day of the week.
And I loved Sam specifically. Like it just was so close to my heart for my childhood. So I was
like, please don't ruin it. Not that your experience wouldn't be valid and your experience is important

(28:28):
to learn about, but also I was like, please don't ruin it for me. I'm talking to Timble.
But yeah, that was refreshing at least. There was one person she knew she could.
Well, and I hated that her mom also was like wiping her on the toilet. So like eight years old.
She said her mom did an ol and breast checks. Yeah. Yeah. I don't have any words that not only that,

(28:53):
but also did it while her brother was also in the bathtub naked as well. Her older brother. Yeah.
And also caused her period and puberty to be regressed. Yeah. So that she could stay younger.
Yeah. And smaller. I'm telling you, if she was alive, I think she could run these hands.

(29:13):
Physical violence is not the answer, but sometimes people deserve to get their ass whipped and she
is one of them. I would not object to that whatsoever. She wouldn't understand anything else.
You couldn't have a reasonable logical conversation with her. So just let me beat her up.
But make Jeanette feel better, hopefully. Well, and it wouldn't probably do anything. The agency

(29:40):
as well that she tried to get one of the brothers on and then her on when they showed up, they were
like willing to sign him and like she just like begged them like, oh, I'm a recovering cancer
patient. Please sign on my. They win with it. Yeah. And then when she kept switching agents,
did the last agent say I'm concerned about Jeanette and that's my mom switched her.

(30:02):
And if so, then why didn't they report? I don't know.
Well, the only way they signed her on was her attending acting classes and she hated them.
But it wasn't just because like her going there, I'd actually think she generally would have liked
it if she would have been able to participate as a child actor and not as her mom in the audience

(30:23):
telling her what she did and then do right and all the sideline coaching she had done was just
terrible. Totally agree. The scene where dad takes her and they ride the bikes and then she
misses the class afterwards. I broke my heart. Yeah. I was happy for her to get to have that time
with dad and have those memories with dad also. But the fact that she was in full panic mode going

(30:48):
home because they missed the class, that's not the scene where she chased dad with a knife, is it?
No, that's prior. Okay. So she does something when he gets home that night. I don't remember
what it is, but something else violent, ridiculous, but broke my heart for her. Yeah. No, like to have
that realization. And I know what it feels like that terrifying moment of realization that you're

(31:09):
about to have to go face this and it's not going to be pretty. And there's a quote from that scene
that I want to read. She says, it's being around mom can be tiring, sure. But at least I know what
to do to make her happy. Around dad, I never really know. It's less work, but it's also less
rewarding. So not only does she have a parent that she's basically trying to cater to her emotions,

(31:30):
but then she also has a parent that is stepped back from connecting with her and she doesn't
quite understand why. Yeah, that was heartbreaking. That experience though, of better the devil,
you know, than the one you don't is so common, but such a, especially for a child, such a heartbreaking

(31:50):
thing to have realization that like she'd rather the devil, she know the devil, she doesn't like,
and she shouldn't have to know any of the devils. Yeah, any of that. She'd have been protected.
It makes me so mad. Well, and kind of going into
to kind of the mental disorder of things as far as on Jeanette side, whenever she starts hearing

(32:15):
the Holy Ghost or what she thinks is the Holy Ghost, that kind of broke me up as well because
she is thinking, oh my gosh, I've got this great thing that my entire life has been speaking to
me and she doesn't feel comfortable telling anybody about it. Then she starts doing these
repetitive motions whenever I was younger, I had to do things repetitively things that would be
color coded, I had to go through therapy and work myself out of that. I still struggle with it to

(32:40):
this day, like things have to be straight lines. I can tell you every picture in my house that is
literally not straight, which one of them is right in front of me. There's multiple things
I've had to work through over the years, but she never had the chance to try
growing up. In my experience, it was much easier to get out of those behaviors when I caught it
early because I don't think I would have been able to do it now. Literally this picture,

(33:05):
not being straight, I would have had to adjust it 20 times. Part of my therapy that I've done
years on years is I have one crooked thing in each room so that way it's my way of disheveling
almost or unraveling my OCD. It drives me absolutely insane and I've had to work years upon years of
doing that, but I think that she would have caught it early on, at least whenever the grandpa

(33:30):
mentioned something about it. It probably would have been easier for her to get out of some of
those behaviors. I think things like bulimia could be an attribute of her OCD because she felt the
need and compulsion to do certain things. It evolved into making that worse and harder for her in
the long run. Her eating disorders and her alcoholism can be attributed. She had a routine to her

(33:56):
entire thing, especially whenever the deep OCD you have to have any time to change the routine
just unravels your entire plan or anything. It's almost like think about it whenever you have a
rainbow and you have a red mixed in with the yellows. It's going to drive you insane because it's a
red mixed in with the yellows, but it's the same with her. She had to have the same kind of routine

(34:19):
whenever she off work. She went home, she drank a bunch, she throw up, she binge eat.
Her every day the doctor pointed out, you starve yourself for breakfast, you starve yourself for
lunch, then don't eat until 11 o'clock at night. Of course you're starving at that point so you
eat a lot of food and then because you eat a lot of food and your guilt comes back so you throw it
up and then you repeat the cycle the next day. It was down to a schedule. When big things happen

(34:43):
like mom's cancer came back, she spiraled more and then when mom died she spiraled more. When she
found out about Steven, all these things made the spiral worse and worse and worse because it
would add on top of that and she was so out of control. It broke my heart to imagine her
especially as a child or young adult even if she was 80 years old, but especially that young

(35:09):
having to suffer through that all alone, not knowing what it is, not having an explanation
and not being able to realize what is happening to you, then having to unlearn it 25 years later.
This whole book is so sad. I did want to pinpoint on whenever she did the audition

(35:30):
or was practicing for the audition when she threw the temper tantrum and her mom was like,
how in the world did you learn how to do that? And she's like, I don't know just came to me. And
I'm like, the fact that you could even tell your mother, oh yeah, I got it from you. I've watched
you mom just imitating what I do best. And the fact that she got applauded for it kind of

(35:51):
hurt me even more. She's seen this behavior, not liked this behavior and now she's learning. I'm
wondering how many people did something similar for her mom. And that's what influenced her to be
who she was. The fact that she also made her audition with 103 degree fever and was just like,
just chug the skater aid, you'll be fine. Oh, her crying on cue. That's another thing too.

(36:17):
That honestly probably took me off the most out of any of it is the fact that her mom was like,
hey, imagine these highly tragic incidents happening to all of your family members.
That's torturous as a child. She's still a child at this point. Oh, wholeheartedly agree. Did it
make you more sad though, that she learned how to cry on cue because of one of the things or

(36:41):
to make you more sad when she stopped being able to cry on cue and her mom almost punished her for
it. Which one made you more mad? Honestly, probably the crying on cue. Her mom was vividly
describing to her how all of her family members would be mangled and murdered and things like that.
Like to me, that's a terrible thing to be teaching your child. No wonder she was so terrified for

(37:09):
her mom to die because that's literally all she's been forced to imagine for most of her life.
Yeah. Terrible. Terrible parenting. I agree. Then when she tells her mom that she doesn't
want to act anymore and her mom was upset by it and then she's like, never mind, I'm just kidding.

(37:30):
She's like, okay, I'm going to do some tears. Drys her tears.
So at one point, Jeanette does like really decide that she's not going to do acting anymore.
She's like, oh, I'm going to do screenplays. And like, she is so excited to bring her mom
this screenplay. I can understand her thought process with something similar in the same field.

(37:52):
So like that's something me and mom both can enjoy together.
Like I get where she was coming from and then for her mom to be like, that's just terrible.
Like writers get fat. You don't need to be doing this.
To be so dismissive. Oh, it enraged me. I felt so terrible for her and I was just

(38:13):
shocked that she could have possibly had a better childhood after that. Like, you know what I mean?
Internally had a better childhood, not particularly like her outside situation,
want to change too much, but like internally, she would have possibly got to a point where
she was maybe feeling better about herself, excited about what she was doing every day.
There is so much more that could have been. No, I agree. I agree. And I think like her being

(38:42):
dismissive of what Jeanette wants in general or what Jeanette enjoys and sort of pushing her
activities and what she wants on Jeanette very much was like the core problem.
I think for Jeanette, like I think everything else spiraled around it. Don't get me wrong.

(39:02):
But Jeanette not knowing what to do for Jeanette. Jeanette did everything for everybody else her
entire life and never once asked, what do I want to do? What do I want to be? Now she's in her
mid 20s before she ever had that realization of maybe I should do something for me now. You know.
And I think if she had had that earlier, she would have had a better life. I think she would

(39:23):
have rebelled a little bit more against her mom and work to get some of those, maybe not everything
because there's obviously a certain level of mental illness you can't handle yourself, but
something or maybe it would have pushed her to therapy sooner. She was such a, I don't want to
say a people pleaser really, but she really was. And that's used in such a derogatory way. I don't

(39:43):
think it's a bad thing that you want to make other people happy so long as it's not abused,
but the reality is it gets abused. It was such a people pleasing behavior. My mom is that until
I'm the opposite except for my mom. The entire time I was like, girl, just tell her you don't want
to do it. Tell them you don't want to do that. But you don't even like this. Like speak up. But like
I know logically it's all that easy. So like I'm not judging her for not doing that. Yeah,

(40:04):
totally understand. It's all that easy. But I just kept getting frustrated and was like,
she doesn't want that. I wanted to be able to tell her mom, she doesn't like that girl back up.
You know, yeah, it was just sad. This whole book is just sad. You know what though? I will say,
I didn't cry as much as I thought I was going to. I didn't either. I was more angry. Yeah, I was

(40:25):
more angry, frustrated. I was just like, I just wanted to give Jeanette a hug. I was just like,
man, I hate that for you. Yeah. The other part is whenever she thinks that she's got breast cancer
and turns out it's her boobs. And then her mom's like, Oh, let me teach you about counting your

(40:49):
calories. You'll stay young forever. You'll be fine. I'm like, what in this delusional state of
mind? And then I'm just wondering, did your mom teach you this? Did you learn it on your own?
I was kind of curious. Yep. Like, was mom actually so delusional that like she did believe it was

(41:09):
calorie restriction and not realize that it was eating disorder and not realize how harmful it was?
Or did she do that to herself because or society? Because we know mom had this idea of like what a
superstar should be and she wanted to be a superstar. So we know that comes along with it as well.
But it's interesting to try to trace it back to figure out where it came from, where it started,

(41:31):
and how it spiraled. But we aren't going to get that because she is dead and delusional. Anyways,
I mean, the saddest part, I know we talked about the shower thing earlier, but I do want to read a
quote from there because it brought a little bit more of a reality into basically she was being

(41:53):
sexually abused by her mother. By the time the exams are done, a huge wave of relief washes
over my whole body. And I realized that's the first time I felt my body since the exam started.
It's weird when the exams are really happening. I feel like I'm outside myself. And that's exactly
how I have read in other instances where people are talking about sexual abuse of some kind.

(42:15):
They're talking about how they didn't fill their body the entire time like they were outside themselves
like relief. Like disassociated. Yeah. Terrible. No, when she said that, that's probably one of the
times that I did cry. I just thought how awful for her, it's awful that it happened in the first
place, right? And I don't know if it's worse or better that she did realize that it was sexual

(42:42):
assault at the time. Yeah. There's a ton of studies about whether or not you know it's right
or wrong at the time and how that impacts your view of yourself and what shame comes along with it
or what doesn't. But I don't know which way it was. Honestly, even by the end of the book,
she doesn't actually acknowledge that it was sexual assault. She acknowledges that it was
inappropriate and that it made her uncomfortable when her mom had done it, but she doesn't actually

(43:03):
call it sexual assault. And that's what it was. It was child sexual abuse for her and her brother
to be quite frank. That happened to mom. Like I want to know. I want to know. But it was really
sad. That was a bad scene. It was all bad. We're telling you to read it because it's such a good
book and it deals with topics that most of us have probably had some experience with, especially

(43:28):
for women in particular, but it is so heartbreaking and it can be triggering. If you can't handle it,
don't read it because it probably will trigger you in some way. Even if it's just your anger.
It set my anger off. I can tell you that. Agreed.
Jenette lands the leading role in Nicolette and show and she is opposite of Miranda Crossgrove,

(43:59):
who plays Carly Shea. She and her co-star develop a strong friendship despite their different
backgrounds. And the show's creator is known for being emotionally manipulative and abusive,
but the I Call You Show does find success and Jenette decides to pursue a crunchy music career
because of her mother. Her mother's cancer ends up returning as she's trying to promote her album

(44:23):
and she ends up going on tour for the first time alone, which is like the first time she's ever
been away from her mom. She just starts binge eating during that time. She also experienced
her first real kiss and things like that. And her mom ends up insulting her weight when she gets back
and she starts vowing that she'll get on this diet. She does end up moving into her own apartment,

(44:44):
however her mom does not leave her. And then she starts dating a much older co-worker,
which she keeps a secret from her mother and ends up finding out her mom that Jenette was lying and
starts violently calling her different names. And she basically just returned home and her mom
pretends nothing ever happened. Let me just say this. I did not know she had a country music career.

(45:13):
That was news to me. That was also news to me. I don't think I have ever heard that.
Second of all, none of the romantic relationships in this book
were good, which obviously is probably intentional, you know, to my more of a trauma.
But the much older man this first go round, I'd like to know his name. Actually, I tried to look

(45:39):
it up. I'm gonna lie to you. I tried to figure out who it was. It's a guy she went on that trip with,
wasn't it? Because he could catch these hands to to this day. She was 18. And men love to say,
oh, she's 18. She's legal. She's a child, especially her. Her mentality. She was still a child.

(46:05):
And that was disgusting. Her next journey from I, Carly to the next series or whatever with Sam,
or Sam and Kat with Ariana Grande. I found it interesting that she was
so open and honest about her jealousy. Not per se of Ariana, but of Ariana's life.

(46:29):
Yeah. Experiencing is what was happening for her. That was refreshing. I will say
I was a little concerned at one point because she spoke about Ariana's childhood. And no matter
what it might have looked like from the outside, Jeanette doesn't actually know that. So that
bothered me a little bit. It can be picture perfect on the outside and be just as horrible as hers was.

(46:52):
So I didn't like that. But I did find it refreshing that she could be honest, that she was jealous
of her and that she acted that way and resented her without just bad mouthing. Ariana, if that
makes sense. I liked that. She mentions her relationship with Miranda and stuff and like
how her mom's still like showering her and keeping her on the diet. She says, fame has put a wedge

(47:13):
between mom and me that I didn't think was possible. She wanted this and I wanted her to have it. I
wanted her to be happy. Now that I have it, I realized that she's happy and I'm not. Her happiness
came at a cost of mine. I feel robbed and exploited. Sometimes I look at her and I just hate her. And
then I hate myself for feeling that. I tell myself I'm ungrateful. I'm worthless without her. And I'm

(47:34):
like, no, honey, you would be so much more. I personally think her mother limited
her growth in the industry. Oh, I agree. Not only because of the trauma she caused, but I think the
mom. She didn't refer to multiple times. She didn't want to be known as that kid that caused this
problem. But I think that her mom kind of became the mom that caused the problems in a sense. So

(48:03):
Oh, I hardly agree. Speaking of her mom causing the problems with her career.
The scene where they're at dinner and the man rubs Jeanette's shoulders and
plies her with alcohol and her mom goes along with it. I almost couldn't read the scene. I was so mad.

(48:26):
Whatever she talks about how she started her music career, because her mom like wanted her to all the
white rider strike was going on back in 2007. And she's crazy. We're old. I know we've lived
through two strikes. I felt really bad for her. It was her first time on her own. And it was really

(48:51):
hard for her to experience that mom guilt tripping her to move with her to that apartment. It kind
of took me off. Kind of. It kind of took me off more so for the dad because I feel like the dad
didn't say anything because he's like, Oh, I get her out of my hair. So you just go and you go have

(49:14):
that. Yeah, no, I would have made it up. The landlord said only one person could live here. So
yeah, something I'd have called the police said she was an intruder. Get her out of my apartment.
That's one way, I guess. I probably would have killed her in her sleep at some point. I'm not

(49:37):
going to lie to you. She makes me mad. She was a lot. But I also felt bad for her whenever she
said that she had gone to Six Flags with her I Carly cast members and Joe had touched her
inappropriately and then she continued seeing him after that. Not only that, he was with somebody
else at their start of their relationship and then he basically spends his evening their first date

(50:01):
almost crying over this other girl. Yeah. And then it's saying, Oh, you won't have made a mistake.
Yeah, because she wouldn't have sex with him. And then she ends up giving him oral sex and he
still isn't satisfied because she doesn't understand what's happening because nobody's ever taught her
what's happening. Disgusting. Sexual assault. Again. Yeah. If it's not an enthusiastic yes,

(50:30):
it's a no. Learn to respect that no is a complete sentence. It's not that hard. That is true.
Listen, and you can do whatever you want with your body. I do not care. We are in a day and age
where sex is pretty common. It's not like back in the day where everybody was hiding it. Everybody

(50:51):
was going they didn't do it. It's pretty common. Yeah. So you can probably find a willing partner
instead of abusing and manipulating someone else into doing it, especially a child.
Yes, she was 18. But yes, I think I have a problem with fetishizing 18, 19, even maybe 20 year olds

(51:14):
to be honest. You're still they're like teenager mentality. Yeah. Mental wise, I do not think she
was at an 18 year old stand. No, she definitely wasn't. I agree. I think she wanted to be there and
took steps to get there. But her mom kept interjecting to prevent that from happening. I agree.
But she ends up going on a Hawaiian vacation with this guy. Her mom ends up calling her when she

(51:42):
finds out about it 37 miss calls, several emails, and all of them are rating her. She talks about
going on her fan pages and like talking about how crazy she is. And like, she's accusing her of like
her cancer coming back at the end of the emails like please send money for fridge. Literally.

(52:03):
I remember listening to that on my car ride home, or she reads that email off and then she says it
at the bottom. I was like, what the crap. All the stuff she says. And then she's just like,
please send money for fridge. Thank you. No, because she's literally insane. Pure insanity.
And then afterwards they end up meeting up and she doesn't even act like anything happened.

(52:26):
That was the crazy part too. She just did not act like anything happened. And then
she purposely humiliated her because then she asked her to sing this song at my funeral and
asked her to sing it in the middle of Wendy's or burger king. No, I had to drove us off the road.
I'm telling you, there were so many points that I thought like girl, speak up. Yeah. And I'm like,

(52:51):
I said, I'm not judging her because I know it's easier said than done, but I just kept thinking
like tell her to get lost. Yep. What she doesn't benefit you in any way. In fact, when you're
having a good time, she normally sends you a message to ruin it. Yep. It's like pure insanity.

(53:15):
She does have to get attention back on her. I'm glad her mom died too. Are you constantly feeling
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(53:36):
but the prices are consistent. Check our link in the description and you'll have access to a coupon
for $5 off your next purchase. So Jeanette's mother continues to grow weaker and Jeanette
starts binge eating and drinking. And whenever her mom finally dies, she's completely numb with

(53:58):
alcohol. She ends up developing bulimia. And then she ends up falling in love with an assistant
director named Steven. And after just coming about her heating disorder, he does deliver and
ultimate them. The force forces her to meet with a therapist after the therapist expresses concern.
However, Jeanette fires her. So Steven then at some point becomes a born and green Christian

(54:19):
and expresses his desire to be celibate. Jeanette starts falling more and more dissatisfied with
her career. She meets up with her father who confesses that he's not her biological father.
She tries to talk to Steven. Then she ends up finding out that he believes that he is Jesus
Christ. She realizes that her life is falling apart seeks treatment for her eating disorder.

(54:43):
Steven at the same time begins medication. It seems to be doing better, but refuses to address his
chronic drug use. After Jeanette starts succeeding in recovery, she finds herself growing further
apart from him. And ultimately she brings things off and continues to improve and develop healthier
habits. She meets her biological father and decides to step away from acting. I read on the

(55:04):
internet that after she met her dad, they talked for three or four months, but it fizzled out.
That doesn't surprise me by the fact that he knew her mom died and then
didn't try to be near her or before mom died. True.
What did she have over your head that would keep you from trying to know your children?

(55:28):
Not one, but three. Yeah. No, I didn't think he needed to be a dad, but whatever.
I gotta say this now, and I do not in any way think that schizophrenia is a joke or should
be made fun of or anything. If that man looked at me in my face though and told me he thought he

(55:49):
was the anti Christ or the recombinant Jesus Christ or whatever it is he said, I would have
laughed in his face. That was my first reaction to be honest when she said it out loud. I laughed
out loud because I was just like, what? I would have laughed. I know he said, don't laugh. You
gotta laugh. If you say, don't laugh, that makes me want to laugh. To be honest, it would be like a
baffling laugh. I'm just joking. That's so funny. Good try. And then when he says, I'm serious. Yeah.

(56:15):
I'm gonna say, we're gonna get you tested. Yeah. I'm serious because what are you talking about?
And then the fact she just left him just left in there deal with that. And was like, if I tell
somebody he'll be mad. And if you don't tell somebody he'll probably be dead. Mad or dead.
Meg up your mind. I will say though, their little journey of when he first decides he's gonna be

(56:39):
celibate and she abuses him. Yeah. Into a blow job. I thought like, oh, that's kind of icky
Jeanette, but also like the symmetry between her being seduced into or not seduced, but manipulated
into it and then her using it to manipulate. Obviously it's like an unhealthy relationship
with intimacy in general or whatever. But I was like, yeah, I don't like that either. Yeah, it goes

(57:02):
both ways. Yeah. I've been like, well, we're breaking up. Like, that's the answer. You can go be a
born again Christian somebody else. If that's what you're gonna do. And you're gonna tell me,
I'm not gonna get up. What anyways, that shook me and I didn't like that she used that. True.
I didn't like that. But well, we get to the point where I Carly and did and we get that

(57:26):
scene with the comatose in the beginning where she had just finished shooting her
spinoff for salmon cat. She starts drinking. She says when I'm drunk, I'm less anxious, less
than they've inhibited less worried about mom and what she would want or think of me. In fact,
when I'm drunk, the voice of mom judging me evaporates completely. She talks about for three

(57:47):
weeks straight, she had been drunk every single night. The amount of alcohol and the types of
alcohol she was drinking, like my chest was burning just thinking about it. Yeah. Yeah.
My brain couldn't wrap around her literally starving herself and being so intoxicated and
being able to function. My brain couldn't figure out how she was even walking around,

(58:10):
much less having a conversation with people or driving down the road. I was like, how are you
not literally dead? I was really sad too when they told her she was going to produce an episode or
directed episode and they kept bypassing her and then they did it one final time and they're like,
yeah, never mind. You're not doing it. Well, then the fact they said somebody very important

(58:32):
could leave the show. I was like, okay, Ariana.
Yeah. Yeah. Who else? It had to have been because who else was more important than her? Yeah.
And why was it such a big deal that would leave the show over that? No idea. The show was ending
anyways. Yeah. Everyone was leaving the show because the show ended early. I'm wondering if it was

(58:55):
Ariana if she just didn't want Jeanette to have her big break. Maybe she thought they didn't offer
her a chance to do it. Maybe she didn't think it was fair if one got to do it all at the other.
Maybe Ariana had asked to do it multiple times and they didn't think she was good enough so they
decided not to offer Jeanette the same. Yeah. Which is not fair considering they let Ariana have a

(59:17):
lot more than what they did Jeanette, at least from Jeanette's point of view. Yeah, I don't know.
I didn't, I know I wouldn't watch that show though. I knew that much. I watched Victorious.
I didn't really like the cat character in Victorious. I don't like the being an airhead
character. I feel like that's partially because it's always a woman that's made to be an airhead.

(59:41):
Some moms died. She starts binging really bad. She starts throwing up food as well after she
binges. I felt really bad when she was talking about how bad her throat hurt and like she lost
a tooth throwing up one time. Yeah. I just can't imagine. She talks about being sexually assaulted

(01:00:02):
as well whenever some guy named Colton and her- It was her first time. Yeah. And her friend had
gone back to her place and they end up having sex and she's drunk and she's telling him no.
She's a poop bump jump. Yeah, she had talked about like, you know, within the next couple of weeks
like possibly losing her virginity to him, but she was not ready yet. Then she starts cycling

(01:00:23):
through stages of anorexia, binge eating, bulimia. Like she starts like fluctuating a whole bunch
and she talks about how like outside she's smaller and gets a lot of compliments inside. She's
falling apart. When she gets denied on the Sam and Cat where she is denied doing the production,
she ends up having a complete breakdown and they talk about how someone very important

(01:00:46):
made it clear she didn't want her directing an episode. And so she's at a loss, but she like
completely comes together and goes back out and shoots the next scene. And then the grandmother
like starts- Has a breakdown. Yeah, and she has a breakdown. But then the grandmother starts calling
her like within a couple of days, just completely verbally and emotionally abusive and manipulative.

(01:01:10):
She's like just completely starts throwing insults and completely disrespecting her.
I'm saying I didn't she call her while she was in the grocery store? Yeah, that's this one.
Essentially said she hadn't called her. Yeah, she just basically neglected her.
Grandkids call me. To be honest, it was a little triggering with the grandmother because I have
that same person in my life that I have now blocked. I'll beat your grandma. It was very

(01:01:36):
difficult. Literally the phone works both ways. Yeah, but also take a hand. She starts having
completely dark thoughts as well. She feels like bulimia is completely taken over. She starts
drinking every night. Creator though at this point has gotten in trouble with the network. He
can still be there. He just can't be in the same room as them. After a certain point,

(01:01:58):
the management team informs her that the show has been canceled and she's kind of relieved by
this whole. So they do tell her that Nickelodeon is trying to give her $300,000 as a parting gift.
And basically the condition is she never speak about her experience on the show. She refuses
and expresses that she feels like it's hush money and she's met with silence. And so she kind of

(01:02:22):
learns that business people really don't ever say the truth out loud. So ultimately she ends
the call, which she doesn't have sort of like going down the spiral like, oh my gosh, there's a lot
of money. Why did I turn that down? I enjoyed that. It was just like a real human moment to be like,
oh, wait a minute. I just turned that down. That's a lot of money. Well, I know Nickelodeon documentary
that was about this whole situation. I know that several of them mentioned they had been offered

(01:02:47):
quite a bit of money. Some of them were a lot more than $300,000 depending on their level,
their status, whatever. Some of them victims themselves might have been offered more. I mean,
don't get me wrong. It's kind of like Jeanette also suffered, but there were some sexual assault,
I believe allegations as well with someone like the young boys, I think it was. So
obviously they would have been offered more money. Yeah. But I don't want to go into that too deep,

(01:03:13):
but it was fascinating to have that background context while reading this.
Well, I had watched that quite some time ago, so I didn't remember all of it, but some of her
comments kind of triggered what other cast members had said. It was interesting to get that
like distinct separation, but like it wasn't just a one person point of view. It was multiple people,

(01:03:34):
but it makes me wonder if she was maybe the catalyst for that situation. I do know that there
was one girl on Zoey 101. I cannot think of her name right at this moment, but she's a very big
advocate for- I can see her face. Yeah, I can see her face too. I just can't think of her name,
but she's a very big advocate and she speaks out a lot about what happened. I don't know whether
she said something first and then Jeanette maybe say something or Jeanette says something first.

(01:03:58):
I don't know which one was a catalyst, but I feel like those two were two of the front runners that
I see or have heard being part of that situation. Yeah. But she does start kind of spiraling down
the fact that she hates her entire career. She's very bitter and she does acknowledge though

(01:04:18):
that she's very lucky that she was able to do everything, but she also knows that it was her
mother's dream and not hers. So she ends up getting casted for a Netflix show and she ends up thinking,
well, she thinks it's a Netflix show and turns out it's just being distributed by Netflix.
So she ends up kind of feeling embarrassed and honestly, at that point, I kind of felt like she

(01:04:41):
was going to walk away and then she ended up falling in love with the assistant director at the same
time. I appreciated him a lot at the beginning of the relationship because he was trying to
encourage her. I feel like he did help her with the perception of sex. I do like that he encouraged
her to get help for her bulimia and all that kind of stuff. I do think he did help her in a lot of

(01:05:05):
healthy ways, a lot of unhealthy ways as well. At the start of the relationship, it was pretty good.
But whenever he does basically you have heard the ultimatum, she says,
and then I realized that as much as I'm convinced that I need to quit these things,
acting bulimia, alcohol, I don't think I can, as much as I resent them in a strange way,
they define me. They are my identity. Maybe that's why I resent them. And to be honest, at this point,

(01:05:27):
they have been her entire life. I mean, at least bulimia for sure. But she does start seeing a
therapist, but the minute she starts getting anywhere with a therapist and she starts talking
about like her mom, she gets really defensive and decides to fire the therapist. She worked
through quite a few milestones with that therapist that could have possibly ended up somewhere. But

(01:05:52):
I think that woman didn't have the right approach for her illnesses. They always say you have to
shop around for your therapist. Not every therapist can be a good therapist either. And I do think
she had the right intentions. I do think she had the right direction, but I don't think Jeanette was
ready at that stage in her recovery for that kind of talk. It was very quick, where the other guy

(01:06:16):
made her work on everything else up to that point. And then I was going to say, he started with her
eating disorders and focused on something that she can actively participate in that treatment,
as opposed to just bad maling mom. Yeah. And I'm not saying that's what the therapist was
intending to do. At some point you do eventually talk about mom, you know, but I do agree that

(01:06:39):
I think starting with her eating disorders first did help it go better. Well, I think the way he
also approached it with, why do you think you came to do that? And she's like, oh, well, my mom
said that. Why do you think your mom did that? It was almost like you tell me the answers instead
of me telling you what I'm basically diagnosing your mom with, if that makes sense. Yeah. But I

(01:07:02):
did find that it was super weird how Stephen had decided he was going to become all of a sudden
a religious person because he watched God's Not Dead on Netflix, which I love that show, by the way.
Super good movie. It put into perspective for me what year it was. That helped me with some
context. Because I remember going with my church group to watch God's Not Dead. I own the movie.
I've watched it multiple times. It's a really good movie if you haven't watched it, but it was very

(01:07:25):
weird. Basically, he says that she doesn't need therapy anymore when she says she's quit it because
she's got church now and she's got Jesus. So he's like, okay, you're good. I didn't agree with that.
No, I don't agree with it. But I was also dwelling on the fact is, does he think he's Jesus right now?
He's building up towards it. Like you don't need therapy because I got you because I'm Jesus.

(01:07:48):
If he had laid his hand on her and tried to heal her, I would have died.
I'm going to tell you that. I have a dark humor. So him thinking he's Jesus coming back or whatever,
like I would have had to have laughed. If I didn't laugh, like I would have cried, I guess. Because
like if my boyfriend is sitting across from me at the table and he just told me a couple weeks ago

(01:08:09):
that I don't need therapy because I'm going to church and then he then sits me down and says,
don't laugh at me. But I think I'm Jesus Christ reincarnated. I'm going to laugh because if I
don't, I'm having a mental breakdown. We're both going to be psychotic. Honestly,
I don't know if I would have, I know this sounds really bad, but I don't know if I, like today,

(01:08:35):
if Trevor came and said that to me and he got admitted and diagnosed great, going through
recovery, whatever, I would almost be afraid to be back in a relationship with him whenever he got
out because I would be afraid that I did something to trigger that situation from happening.
No, this dude was in his 20s though, I think. So he was in the appropriate age for his first break.

(01:08:57):
Yes. So it was something she did, but I get that fear. If I didn't know about that kind of stuff,
my instant thought would be, oh my God, did I, it didn't say anything about her maybe visiting him
in this hospital and learning about his disorder. If I was going to be a part of his life actively
and he was living with me, I would want that to happen. At least visit with the therapist. And
she taught me how if he was doing this again, maybe talk about this. None of that conversation

(01:09:20):
happened, which I don't know if that was intentionally left out or if it just never
actually happened. Yeah. But I think it would definitely be important to learn that thing,
kind of thing, because whenever he starts spiraling and not wanting to do anything with his life,
that would have been a good point for Jeanette to be able to like call up his therapist and saying,
hey, like something's happening, like something's wrong with his meds or with him.

(01:09:43):
I don't personally, especially this relationship, they had been dating for a bit,
but they hadn't been in a 10 year relationship. They weren't married. I think I probably would
have broken up with him. Yeah. To be quite frank, I would have wished him well, but
she already had so many things that she needed to focus on for herself. Yeah. That the best thing

(01:10:06):
she could have done was break up with him and focus on her. He didn't want a job. He didn't want to
do anything. He just wanted to smoke weed and stare off in space. I don't care if you enjoy
a little weed here and there. I do care if you don't have a job. Yeah. You got to have a job,
but you got to be earning some money and you got to be contributing towards your bills. Yeah.

(01:10:27):
If you are not doing that, you got to go.
Absolutely not. We're not doing this. I'm not your mama. Yeah. So that upset me for her. And then
to have that on top of, she's literally trying to. And so my thing about it is, is like, not that

(01:10:49):
one or the other is worse than the other or like that his issues aren't also important because
that's not what I'm saying, but they were not married. They were not in a position where she
had to stay with him. I think it would have been best for her just to call it quits because she
had too much going on. She could not take one more thing, but she stayed with him for a little while

(01:11:11):
then they broke up. But I would have, after that break, I would have been like sign our,
but I wish you well, but I don't need to be honest. If she was not in therapy at the same
time, all this was happening. I don't think it would have ended at that point. I think the therapy
helped her realize how she had too much on her plate. She couldn't take on something else.
And she also couldn't be what he needed because he can't be what she needs in that point in time

(01:11:35):
either. She'll probably always be grateful to him because he's the one that said get therapy.
And that's what started that journey for her. Yeah. But they just weren't right for each other.
Yeah. They each needed to get, and maybe they were afterwards, or the ones that got better and
figured out, I don't know. But at that time, they both had to work on things and get better.
And that's hard to do on your own and much less while also trying to manage somebody else handling

(01:11:59):
their own mental health problems. There just was too much. Well, and whenever her show got
canceled, like you would expect that kind of, I mean, it was a huge chunk of her life. So you
would kind of expect that to kind of send her a few steps back in her recovery. But I actually

(01:12:20):
think it like slingshot at her further into recovery because she actually like took it upon
herself to be like, no, I'm okay with not doing this anymore. She makes this comment. She says,
I want my life to be in my hands, not in eating disorders or casting directors or an agent or
my mom's mind. And I think it was a really good, healthy way for her to come to a conclusion that

(01:12:44):
she can be her own person. I really think that her being able to take that step back and see the
bigger picture like these things are harmful for me. And the relationship in general showed progress,
showed what she was achieving in therapy, aside from the eating disorder. I also really liked that

(01:13:05):
he made it very clear to her that slip ups are going to happen. But it doesn't have to be a slide.
It can just be a slip up. I love that because that is reality. Nobody just stops with any sort of
issues. Nobody just stops cold turkey and never has another thought about it. It doesn't work that
way. I appreciated that open honesty and perspective on it. Because I feel like we look at it like,

(01:13:28):
oh, you go to therapy for six months and you're perfectly fine, which is not the reality at all.
Almost in therapy for the rest of our lives, because things are constantly happening that
can add to it or re-trigger it. So I did really appreciate that as well. Although I thought it
was funny though, like the whole title of life coach, I'm always hesitant when someone calls
themselves a life coach. I'm always like, does that because you don't have the credentials to

(01:13:50):
call yourself a doctor? You know what I mean? Or a psychologist or whatever. But I like the life
coach and then I liked the dude too afterwards. I got tickled about that. Well, the part I did hate,
which to me, I guess it was just like my childhood was finding out that Miranda and Jeanette had
distance from each other. It kind of hurt me a little bit because I was like, man,

(01:14:12):
I was really kind of hoping they were tight through the years, but obviously they both went on to do
their own thing. So I mean, there had been some kind of like separation. I mean, that's just a
natural thing in life. The fact that it also kind of broke me that she wasn't going to be on the reboot
because this was before I read the book, my industry reaction was like, man, why wouldn't she be on
there? Why would she don't want to be a part of this? And reading the book, I still have that same

(01:14:35):
feeling from my research. It seemed like they had distanced themselves from a lot of that network
mooch do do do that was going on. But at the same time, I get where she's coming from. It's just a
fact that that was a triggering place for her. I kind of understand the concept of it is the
trigger not exactly the act of it. She experienced more traumatic things with her mom and in her

(01:14:59):
own home than she probably did on set. Yeah. I mean, she experienced traumatic things on set too. But
the set itself triggered everything with mom. I was sad when I first heard that she wouldn't
join any, but I do understand why she didn't. I wish for her sake that she could have enjoyed

(01:15:19):
doing this project as much as I enjoyed watching it as we get older and become adults. We also
have seen multiple other child actors from our childhood have had similar experiences.
None of them have really had good ones. My thought was, I wish that for her, she could have done
this reboot as a way of healing herself, particularly distancing herself from that

(01:15:46):
negative thought process, actually doing it for her with the idea of healing herself. I think
it would have been healthy for her. Even if she just showed up for one episode, I would want to see
if that gives me some peace. Even just a guest star role because other reboots have people
pop in. I think the Wizards of Waverly Place one has Selena pops in every once in a while.

(01:16:08):
But like to me, that was my thought process if I was in her shoes, but obviously her journey is
different than my journey. I can't compare and say that's what she should do. But I hope she
doesn't throw that option completely off the table because going back to that place of hurt and pain,
it may be healthy to muck through it a little bit and then heal herself from it.

(01:16:30):
I was proud of her for being able to say no. Thank you. That's not right for me,
especially just a friend because sometimes it's hard to tell your friends no.
Yes. And because she has been such a people pleaser throughout this entire book. And so
finally she learned to set that boundary. And I'm glad that Miranda said I understand.
Thanks for letting me know. Yeah.
And didn't keep pushing it. Hopefully she didn't do that. But I will say that I can also see the

(01:16:54):
other side of it. She's just really starting to recover. Yeah. When it gets brought up,
the risk that it will ruin all of her progress. Yeah, true. I can see that side too. The moment
when she's turned, she's on her birthday turns 26 and they're at Disneyland and she's puking in
the bathroom. She has that realization. I'm 26 and still doing this and I don't want to be 27.

(01:17:17):
I don't want to be 30. I don't want to be 35 still doing this Disneyland like with such a
a powerful moment for me. My 20th birthday is coming up in a month. And so I just kept thinking,
what am I doing still at 26 that needs to be corrected and fixed so that I don't care it
with me in my 30s or whatever. But I did really appreciate at least that she could say, no,

(01:17:39):
I'm not interested and stick to it. Yeah. That was good. That was proud of her.
Well, and she does end up at the very end visiting her mom's grave and she had promised her to visit
every day, which I feel like was just another way of her mom trying to control her. Was she gonna
take up there? I think that's what she expected. But she does end with the fact that they couldn't

(01:17:59):
decide on what should have been on her headstone. She said, my mom didn't deserve her pedestal.
She was a narcissist. She refused to admit that she had any problems despite how destructive
those problems were to our entire family. Mom emotionally, mentally and physically abused
me in ways that will forever impact me. And I think that's a good summary. I wish her well

(01:18:21):
in her recovery is an ongoing process. And I hope she realizes that she's more than what her mom
made her think she is. Yeah, me too. And as always, we want to thank Jeanette for sharing.
I think it takes a tremendous amount of courage to not only get help and get better,

(01:18:41):
but to share your story and hope that somebody else can heal from it as well. Yeah, take that very
seriously. So what is your final thoughts and ratings? Okay, so there is a review on the back
of the book that I think sums up my thoughts. I'm going to read it and let you hear that. And it was

(01:19:06):
by Lauren Hugh, who is an author that wrote Leaving Isn't the Hardest Thing Evidently.
I'm not familiar with her, but these are her words. I'm glad my mom died is furious, sad,
brave, knowing, honest, heart wrenching and utterly compelling. McCurdy writes with keen
insight and startling compassion, whether showing how dysfunction can seem normal to those most

(01:19:26):
affected, the torture of eating disorders or the mind F that is child stardom. McCurdy brings
readers deep into the milieu so often hidden from outsiders. This is a beautifully crafted
coming of age story as fearless as its author. I wholeheartedly agree. This book takes tremendous
courage to admit to yourself what you've been through, to work on it, do better, try to be better,

(01:19:50):
face it, and then share it with other people so they can hopefully relate and get better as well.
Flattered and honored that I get to read it and experience the journey with her.
I, 1000% listening to it on the audiobook is such an intimate experience. Her reading it,
you highly recommend that you should listen to it. It's not that big of a book either.

(01:20:10):
You said it was like 10 and a half hours. No, I think it was six and a half. Yeah.
But if you feel like you can emotionally listen to it, I think you should 1000%. This book is
definitely a five out of five for me. And I normally wait until now to rate it. I didn't have to do
that. Even in the middle of it, I was like, it's a five. Yeah. I can't listen to somebody else's

(01:20:31):
trauma and be like, Oh no, it's a three because she should have done this in the book better.
Would I have liked some more information? Yes. But it is her autobiography. So first of all,
I'm not going to tell her how to tell her story. No. But second of all, her mom's dead. So I can't
get her mom's autobiography to know more about her childhood and her perspective.
But gosh, it would be fascinating to do so. But yes, so that's my thoughts. That's my ratings.

(01:20:55):
What are yours? My ranking system search, that's the reason it goes up and down from there.
But I would probably give it a 4.5. I enjoyed a lot of the story. It did interest me to read it
all. To be honest, it was a little triggering, which is why I can't give it all the way because

(01:21:19):
like to me, there were some parts and I know this sounds bad, but I almost give it one like a 0.5
because the mom was like so terrible as well. Like, I know that's not fair to Jeanette and her
writing, but it was so hard to read some of those moments that it didn't make it as enjoyable in some
of those moments because it was just terrible to read. But I understand that's a point of the book.

(01:21:42):
For me, it was hard to get through some of those points, especially whenever she talked about
the sexual assaults and stuff like that. Honestly, I have so much compassion for her and for the fact
that she went through everything she did and had nobody in her corner for the most part. I had high
hopes that the last guy was going to be in her corner and unfortunately he needed more people

(01:22:06):
in his corner at some point than she could be. But I just don't know. It's a very sad,
sad, sad story. And I hate that, but I'm really happy that she's found herself or on the journey
of finding herself and hopefully that goes good for her and she continues on the recovery path.

(01:22:27):
And honestly, I would like to read because I think this, what I've seen was this was like the 20 or
the book I have is the 2022 updated version. So I don't know she's adding to this as she goes,
but it is interesting to see that possibly she may update it again in the future.
Yeah, mine's a 22 version. It doesn't say updated though, but it does say 22.

(01:22:53):
No, I agree. I would love to read a part two, even if it was more about her childhood,
like more about her brothers. And she dedicates this to her brothers. That's always interesting
to me as well. It sounded like she still had contact with them at the end of it. She had seen
her older brother and his wife. If you guys liked this episode or any of our other episodes,

(01:23:16):
please subscribe to get access to bloopers randomly throughout each month on the fifth Friday,
if there is one. We also have extra content, community chat and more on Patreon. You can
find our free episodes on the first and third Fridays of each month on any podcasting platform.
You can also send us book suggestions, comments, or inquiries to our email and like we read them

(01:23:39):
at CarlMPodcast.com. You can also subscribe on our Patreon to get our monthly newsletter.
You can also join us on Fable, Facebook, TikTok and Instagram for more engagement from us and
the latest news. Carl, do you want to let them know what our next read is?
So on January 17th, 2025, we will be discussing I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou.

(01:24:05):
And the blurb for that book is, here is a book as joyous and painful as mysterious and memorable
as childhood itself. I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings captures the longing of lonely children,
the brute insult of bigotry, and the wonder of words that can make the world right.
Maya Angelou's debut memoir is a modern American classic beloved worldwide. Sent by their mother

(01:24:29):
to live with their devout grandmother in a small southern town, Maya and her brother endure the
ache of abandonment and prejudice. At eight years old and back at her mother's side, St. Louis,
Maya is attacked by a man many times her age and has to live with consequences for a lifetime.
Years later in San Francisco, Maya learns that love for herself, the kindness of others,

(01:24:50):
her own strong spirit, and the ideas of great authors will allow her to be free instead of
imprisoned. Poetic and powerful, I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings will touch hearts and change minds
for as long as people read. Super excited about this book. This is also an audiobook that she
reads if you're interested in doing that journey as well. And don't forget to join us over on Fable

(01:25:13):
so we can chat as we read along. And as always, we promise to Carl and Lock we read him.

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