Interpersonal Insights from Andrea's Unique Circus Perspective

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Join us for a compelling conversation with Andrea, a distinguished dating coach who takes us on a journey through the fascinating world of relationship compatibility, all through the lens of a circus analogy. With over 15 years of experience, Andrea shares his innovative theories that go beyond superficial traits to tap into the deeper layers of human connection. Discover how his transition from DJ to author, app creator, and CEO led to the creation of a unique app designed to help individuals find their true relationship style and compatibility.

Explore the intricate dynamics of interpersonal relationships as Andrea draws parallels between circus roles and personality types, shedding light on how these roles can uncover potential red flags in personal and professional settings. Through imaginative exercises and insightful methods, Andrea emphasizes the significance of foundational compatibility in fostering authentic, fulfilling partnerships. By understanding roles such as lion tamers and trapeze artists, we learn to identify not only what we want in a partner but also what we need to avoid for a harmonious relationship.

Our discussion also touches upon the importance of balance in relationships, stressing the need to find a partner who complements rather than completes you. Andrea's "circus question" offers a whimsical yet meaningful approach to gauging compatibility, helping listeners navigate the complexities of dating and avoid toxic relationships. By examining personal needs versus wants and leveraging personality assessment tools, Andrea empowers us to upgrade our interactions and become the best version of ourselves. Get ready to embark on this insightful exploration of love, compatibility, and the art of human connection.

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Love & Light - Keep Hope Alive

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hello and welcome to Keep Hope Alive podcast.
Today I have Andrea with us,and he is an author, an app
creator and CEO and, might I say, a dating coach and, with that
being said, he gets to learn allabout him and what he does in
the world of dating.

(00:23):
We all need this subject.
Right and welcome, I'm so gladto have you on.
Before we do get started, Ihave a question for you how many
weddings have you been to inthe past year?

Speaker 2 (00:39):
Hi, nadine, nadine, sorry, should I say that, nadine
?
Yes, last year two weddings Onewas a client who finally got
married and the other one was arelative.
So yeah, it was great.

Speaker 1 (00:53):
That is so cool.
So one of our biggest sponsorshere is Life on Record.
And before I go into what theydo, let's pretend we got invited
to go to a wedding and we'regoing into the ceremony site and
over to the right there'ssomething there to sign.
What are we signing?
To let that couple know we werehere.

Speaker 2 (01:14):
We're signing the welcome book, definitely we're
giving them all our best wishes,and well, whatever you want to
give them really.

Speaker 1 (01:22):
Yes, that's awesome.
Well, instead of that book,life on Record came out and
brought a vintage rotary phonethat you can now pick up and
leave those messages instead ofthe writing in the book.
So I'm right next to it.
They have a QR code that yourguests can scan, also if they
didn't want to use the phone,and they can leave their

(01:43):
messages either before or after,even during the event.
So it is awesome.
You can leave messages like upto one to three minutes, five
minutes, 30 minutes if youwanted to.
But I suggest for weddings, donot stay on that phone for 30
minutes.
You're going to have a line andeverything.
So they collect all themessages that are

(02:03):
congratulations.
It's about time you put a ringon that finger, whatever it may
be, and they will burn it eitheron a 12-inch vinyl record or a
keepsake speaker box.
Now you get the phone numberfor one year.
You got to return the phone,but this way, if it was a

(02:24):
wedding, you could call rightbefore their one-year
anniversary and leave messagesagain.
But this goes for any kind ofevent.
Their plans start at $99.
And to learn more about Life onRecord, please visit them at
wwwlifeonrecordcom.
All right, so let's get started.
Who is andrea at?

Speaker 2 (02:47):
one point as a former dj and working with vinyl, I
can vouch for that has greatgift to get your voice messages
on vinyl.
It's come back now, so it's agreat.
Uh, yeah, I, I'd love that.

Speaker 1 (03:00):
Thank you, I'm gonna try that myself, although I'm
already married, like one of thefirst companies that started
that too, and I I saw picturesI'll post on my facebook page
for keep up alive.
The pictures of the phones arejust so nice and they're very
elegant and I was like, oh, Ijust wish I had one here for the

(03:22):
show that I could pick up to dothe commercial all the time.
So, it would be easier,wouldn't it?
Yes, okay.

Speaker 2 (03:31):
Yeah, who am I?
I know you're waiting.
Who am I?
I'm Andrea and I call myself adating coach, but, as you
rightly said, things have movedforward a little bit now.
I've been dating coaching foraround 15 years, um, researching
and testing my theory ofcompatibility, which is now is

(03:53):
now available as an app.
Um, it's not on the google orapp stores yet, or the apple
store yet, um, but it isavailable on a web browser so
you can get a link and you canget the app on a discounted rate
.
For the moment I'm advertising,but I shouldn't be, but anyway,
you can get it.

Speaker 1 (04:13):
You're supposed to.

Speaker 2 (04:15):
Yeah, okay, so you can get it now and take
advantage of this offer.
We call it a Valentine's launch.
We technically launched a softlaunch on valentine's day, um,
and so the the app is evolving.
Um, it's pretty much done incontent, uh, but we're adding or
I'm adding stuff like blogs andand help tips.

(04:36):
There's a community on the app,um, and there's one vital
question that you ask peoplewhen you're dating.
So, whether, whether you're, ifyou're on a dating site or if
you're in a bar, and someonecomes over to you and they start
talking to you, you just askthem this one question, and this
one question will reveal enoughfor you to decide whether you

(04:56):
want to carry on theconversation or you want to kind
of politely say look, you knownice talking to you, but even
though I fancy you, now thereality is, who you fancy is
very subjective.
But your foundation inrelationship, your compatibility
, other.
You know values, morals, ethics.

(05:17):
There's lots of things peoplethink about.
You know the height of the guy,how you know how rich they are,
whether the girl's blonde orbrunette or green eyes or blue
eyes we've all got preferences.
But the fundamentalcompatibility is your foundation
, and your foundation for me isa little bit more deep than just

(05:38):
the superficial swipe, swipe,look, look.
It's a question and you need to.
You know, I need to ask you thequestion and then you'll
understand what I'm talkingabout.

Speaker 1 (05:49):
Well then, ask the question.
I would love to hear what thatquestion is.

Speaker 2 (05:53):
Okay, well, all right , if you're ready, there's a
clue behind you Circus.

Speaker 1 (05:58):
Circus Okay.

Speaker 2 (06:01):
Or behind me, shall I say there's a clue behind me,
anyway, nad.
Or behind me, shall I saythere's a clue behind me, anyway
, nadine.
Take a deep breath for me.

Speaker 1 (06:10):
Clear your mind.
I don't mind, let's go for itclose your eyes.

Speaker 2 (06:14):
I'll do it with you.
Close your eyes, deep breath.
All your viewers can do thiswith us.
Nadine, imagine you're at acircus.
Imagine the lights, the sounds,the smells, the fun, the

(06:41):
laughter, the thrills and thesuspense.
Now imagine for a moment thatyou are one of the acts or
performers.

Speaker 1 (06:55):
Which act or performer would you be, and why
Can I open my eyes?
Yet Can I open my eyes?

Speaker 2 (07:02):
Yeah you can Okay.

Speaker 1 (07:08):
I don't know why I see myself swinging.

Speaker 2 (07:10):
I don't know okay, okay, maybe swinging on a
trapeze.
What did you see?
Anyone else with you?
Were you on your own?
Were you up high?
I?

Speaker 1 (07:19):
was up high and it was just me, and I feel like my
legs were wrapped around the barand I was hanging down for some
reason yeah, that's correct.

Speaker 2 (07:28):
Okay, so you identify with a solo trapeze.
Trapeze is the bar, so it's notthe silks.
Yeah, it's not aerialgymnastics trapeze and you're up
there high, um, do you know why?
The why part is quite important.

Speaker 1 (07:44):
Maybe I wanted to get away from everything on the
ground, that I just wanted to besolo and free spirit, basically
, and do my routine up there andget it over with.
Maybe.

Speaker 2 (07:58):
Okay, that makes sense.
The being free and up there andsafe and all the words that
come along with that are similarto how a bird feels up in a
tree, um, and what it identifiesis that you're quite
independent, you like yourfreedom, you're quite
self-sufficient.
These, by the way, the circusquestion, is an analogy of the

(08:24):
circus role in the act to reallife.
OK so it establishes your rolein a circus, but it identifies
your ideal role, your role andyour partner's role in a circus,
but in real life, ok.
So I'll give the.
The clearest analogy would bethe lion tamer and the lion.

(08:47):
They only function as a great,balanced act if they're together
.
The lion tamer doesn't workwith a clown, the lion work with
you know, still walker.
So you identify your role andyour role identifies your real
life compatibility and it worksfrom an unconscious selection

(09:11):
process okay okay, so I I'mexplaining the question.
The first part of the questionis um, it's a location and, uh,
I don't know if you work withnlp, but with NLP, with
suggestion, the first part issuggesting where you are and
then the second part is theunconscious selection, by

(09:33):
prompting you to imagine yourrole.

Speaker 1 (09:37):
Okay.

Speaker 2 (09:38):
So, unconsciously, you've told me something and I
can now put that to good use,especially if we're dating.
Ie, you're dating and you'reapplying that to potential
partners.
Now you're going to say how thepoint is by identifying your
actual role, which is trapezesolo.
There are various traitscharacter traits that belong to

(10:00):
you, Abilities, traits that arepositive in a in a balanced
relationship and negative in animbalanced or toxic relationship
.
And my app, which I I kind ofrefer to because I said I've
told you before there are 50plus acts in a circus and I
can't remember half of them, letalone all of them, and I have

(10:22):
to just take although I can giveyou some basics like the main
three, because you know you areindependent, you are really
independent In a relationship.
If you're not independent, itstifles you, you get resentful
and you have to get away.
Correct, Yep, Okay.
So if you were with a liontamer, I'll use the analogy.

(10:44):
If you were with a lion tamer,I'll use the analogy.
If you were the lion tamer whoprofusely expects their partner,
the lion, to do as they're told, that's their perfect, balanced
relationship.

Speaker 1 (10:55):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (11:01):
Kind of and I'll be gender positive here in respect
of the male is the lion tamer,the female is the lion.
Okay, it can be gender reversedand it can be same sex.
Okay, so it can be two women,doesn't?
It doesn't matter.
The the dynamics is what isimportant, not the gender.
I do work with trans.
I do work with gay and lesbianclients, so they're fascinated
how it works and in fact it'snot gender relative, so that's

(11:23):
good anyway.
So, talking to you now, I wouldsay you must avoid lion tamers
and you must avoid lions.
Lion tamers would stifle youand want to control you.
They're up here.
Lions wouldn't give you enoughbecause they'd be waiting for
your direction.
So a lion needs direction fromthe lion tamer.

(11:44):
I'm putting the lion up thereand the lion down here.
Okay, there's a reason for that.
You're in the middle.
You need a relationship whereyou can share the responsibility
, share the dynamic, share theindependence.
So your partner needs toappreciate your independence yes
they also need to let you shine.

(12:08):
Yes, they also don't.
They mustn't be jealous.
Yes, they mustn't be.
Um, not so word for it.
Um, a lion tamers.
Look, this is how it works withlion tamers.
If they get a partner who's alion, we're using the analogy
now.
Yeah, they get a partner who'sa lion tamers.
Look, this is how it works withlion tamers.
If they get a partner who's alion, we're using the analogy
now.
Yeah, they get a partner who'sa lion.
The lion does as they're toldbecause they want direction, not

(12:32):
because they've been abused.
So my analogy doesn't work thata lion tamer is cracking the
whip at the lion and the lion'sbeen abused.
Abuse is a no-no, that's toxicin itself.
But in a correct dynamic where aperson wants leadership from
their partner, they want thatpartner to decide where they're

(12:54):
going to take them when they goout.
They want that partner to makethe decision about what they're
going to eat tomorrow night,because they you know, or what
film to go and watch in themovies, or you know.
All these things are smallthings.
But clients have always said tome I just wish he would take
control, I just wish he wouldmake a decision for me.

(13:16):
I don't want to make decisionsin my life.
And that's the lion where theyspecifically want the partner to
take control, and that could bea male, we use that terminology
.
A bottom yeah, want their topto take control.
That could be in the bedroom,okay.
So you could apply this in many,in many guises, and we're also

(13:39):
applying these, this formula orthis framework, to businesses.
Now there's a couple, couple ofHR people in a company that
they're employing this withinterview technique, so they use
my question to identifymanagement and other roles that
people are applying for Gotcha,you know if they're able to
control these roles, because ittakes something.

(13:59):
If you're a lion tamer, youhave charisma, you have
confidence, you have style, youhave communication skills.
You have everything.
A lion tamer will have charisma, you have confidence, you have
style, you have communicationskills.
You have everything the lionwill do.
Yeah, I've never seen a liontamer walk into the ring and
sheepishly turn to the audienceand go.
I'm a bit scared.
They control the floor.
Yeah, yes yes but put a liontamer with you and his

(14:23):
insecurity will come out, hisjealousy will come out, toxicity
100%.
And you've probably, like a lotof my clients, had that
relationship before.
Oh yeah, several times and toxic, and it's only that because
it's toxic for you and it'stoxic for them.
Unfortunately, you can'tcontrol men or women that are

(14:46):
abusive and are narcissists.
By the way, the lion tamer isprobably the biggest narcissist
of the circus, so identifynarcissists at the get-go, okay.
So if you're on a dating siteand you know what you are,
you're a trapeze solo and youknow.

(15:07):
On my app it actually is quiteeasy to use.
Once you know your answer, yougo into the app and when you get
into the app, if I can find it,it will show you.
I think I've sent it to you,but basically you're able to put
in your choice.
See, that's the logo, thecircus question, okay, and

(15:34):
you're able to then go tap intoa form which is like a… said.
You find your trapeze solo,which is there.
We go submit and trapeze solocomes up qualities, traits,

(15:59):
character qualities I don't knowif you can see that and it
lists everything.
Now that's in a balancerelationship.
Underneath that you've gotnegative traits and character
qualities in a negativerelationship.
So that shows you your negativetraits that become amplified
when you're in the wrong dynamic.
So that's what we need to avoid.

(16:19):
But what I'm demonstrating inthe app is showing you that one
question can unlock all thatabout you.
No, data protection.
I've got a secret intounlocking your compatibility,
because what I'm able to do islearn about myself.

(16:41):
So I'm a ringmaster.
Okay, you were curious.
Yeah, I'm a ringmaster.
Okay, I, you were curious.
Yeah, I'm a ringmaster, and mytraits are communication,
diplomacy, encouraging acts, mypartner, people around me.
I'm a coach to be the best theycan be.
Yeah, those are my major traits.
There's always three or fourmajor traits.

(17:02):
Like I said about the liontamer being charismatic, you
know, a good communicator,diplomat, that's what?
Um, they're quite narcissistic.
That they love their self-image, that's a hundred percent.
You very rarely see a fat liontamer and I know circuses aren't
as popular now, but they stillare around, especially in the
movies.
So, um, you very rarely see afat, out out-of-shape lion tamer

(17:25):
.
They're usually a strappingfine example of a man or a woman
.
Okay, yeah.
So you see that in the app andthen you read love language and
yours is quality time.

Speaker 1 (17:39):
Oh yeah, definitely is.

Speaker 2 (17:41):
Of the five.
The primary love language thatyou possess is quality time.
I didn't have to go throughGary Chapman's test there, I
just found that from my analogy.
Okay, and also your attachmentstyle is secure okay.
Have you done that?
Have you done the attachmentstyles?

Speaker 1 (18:00):
No, I haven't done that yet.

Speaker 2 (18:01):
Okay, so your attachment style and you'll be
able to check this out actually.
So your attachment style issecure, but in a yes, in a
dysfunctional relationship, inother words, an imbalanced
relationship.
That doesn't work for you.
It's avoidant.
So when it's not working out,you want to run away.
Yes, you're not committing,correct?

Speaker 1 (18:23):
Yes.

Speaker 2 (18:27):
So I was able to tell you all of that and you haven't
read the app, because when youread it you'll probably agree
more and I'm confident.
That's why I give a money backguarantee.
I give a seven day money backguarantee of a 750 app, one-time
access, as in for life.
So if I can show you that, thenyou take this app and you go

(18:49):
okay, I'm on whichever let'scall the dating sites.
Okay, you go on the datingsites.
You're scrolling throughsomeone's match with you.
You think, whoa, he's nice.
Let me ask him a question.
My opener Hi.
I'm really curious to know youranswer.
You'll know your answer to thisinteresting question I heard
the other day that's not aninterview.

(19:12):
Yeah, imagine you're at acircus script.
It exactly as it is on the app.
As I asked you, you'll get areply.
From that reply you can go intothe a to Z on the app, type in
or just tap in what they'veanswered.
Then you can actually analyzethem and see if you are a match

(19:36):
or not.
Do you get me?

Speaker 1 (19:39):
Yes, I do, I do.

Speaker 2 (19:42):
But there's something else on the app that actually
makes it much easier and that'sthe compatibility system of
Circology.
I've named the system Circology, circus, circology, to identify
your match in a numerical sense.
Okay, people, when I coachpeople, it was easy for them to

(20:02):
come back to me as emails or insessions and say look, I've met
a clown.
What does that mean?
I say a clown?
Oh gosh, well, that means blah,blah, blah.
So you kind of need me, butwith the app, all you need is
access a little bit further on,because the first part of the
app is free if you want to, butthe second part, which is the

(20:23):
compatibility part, thepsychology part, which is the
compatibility part, thepsychology part is where it
becomes numerical and thenumerical part is identifying
that yours is, your act is anumber four, a lion tamer is a
nine a lion is a one, so they'rethe extreme ends of the
polarity spectrum that I'veidentified.

Speaker 1 (20:45):
Yes, yeah.

Speaker 2 (20:47):
So, polarity being the compatibility spectrum.
So if you add the 9 and the 1together lion, tamer and lion
you get 10.
If you take a 4 and put thatwith a 9, that's 13,.
Okay, that's way over a 10.
That's off the scale.

(21:08):
In fact, that's 13, which makesit impossible Sorry, it makes
it wrong for you to be together,because it identifies that
you're over a 10,.
Okay, do you get me?

Speaker 1 (21:23):
Yes, I do.

Speaker 2 (21:24):
So the idea is find the perfect 10.
Now you need somebody who's aringmaster, who's a 7 would
still be okay for you.
Just over a 10 or just under a10 is fine.
So a 7 and a 4, 11.
But whenever you go vastly overa 10 or vastly below a 10, bear

(21:48):
with me one moment.
I just need to get rid of mydaughter oh, it's all right,
let's see guys.

Speaker 1 (21:56):
Hmm, I want to hit that 10.
Yeah sorry, no, it's right, Iget to talk to my listeners.

Speaker 2 (22:04):
It's half term here in the UK and, yeah, I'm looking
after the children.
My wife's also busy.
So she wandered in becausethere's no lock on the door on
the inside, because the kids canlock themselves in.
So, yeah, so she wandered in.
I didn't realize.
Anyway, she threw me a littlebit there.
But anyway, what we're lookingfor is a perfect 10.

(22:25):
So by using the numberingsystem, you're able to just go
into the templates.
Look, for example, at Clown,who is an 8, 8.5.
And you can say immediately 8.5and 4,.
That's way over a 10.
I'm not going to visit that one.
You can read about them and youwill identify traits that

(22:48):
aren't compatible with yours butthe number makes it fast track.
Everyone wants it fast thesedays, I'm afraid, which is why
we numbered, so if you're usingthe numbering system, you can
immediately kind of press thebutton and go yeah, I kind of
this.
This has got some possibility,so I will explore it, because my

(23:11):
theory is based on two elementsof compatibility the power
dynamic and masculine andfeminine essence, and both those
elements come to the fore usingthe first circus question you
can identify.
The power dynamic is whoactually is leading or sharing
the relationship?

(23:32):
Now, you're a sharer, I'm aleader.
I like to be in a relationshipwhere I control the dynamic and
I make decisions.
But I'm not a nine, I'm a seven, so I'm closer to the middle,
which means that I still sharewith my partner.
My partner's a four, by the way, she's a contortionist and

(23:59):
trapeze solo.
So you share some common traits.
By the way, when people pick twochoices and I have that quite
often three-quarters more withmen than with women In other
words, three women will chooseone act and one man will choose
one act, so it's the other wayaround with the twos.

(24:19):
Men normally will not maketheir mind up in relationship
and compatibility till later onin life.
In other words.
What happens is, men are kindof 30 years old, they're still
not sure what they want withtheir lives, and they usually,
if you ask them to choose now,they'll probably choose two

(24:39):
choices, and that's it, thatfirst choice.
First choice is where they are,and the second choice is where
they're going, or where theywere and where they are.
It's up to you then to kind ofuse the app to identify where
they are in their truth, whetherthey are actually, you know,
maybe they're a trapeze flyer orcatcher.

(25:01):
If they're a catcher, that'sideal for you, because that's
for five and a half Again,that's five.
And're a catcher, that's idealfor you, because that's for
that's for five and a half againthat's, but that's pretty good,
um, because a catcher will giveyou the balance that you
require.
And most of the balanced actsin the circus are in the middle
the juggler, the stilt walkers,the gymnasts, the acrobats, the

(25:21):
contortionist, you know the.
The acts that rely on balanceand poise are in the middle.
The ones that are extremedanger are at one end lion tamer
and control, the clown andthose that rely on service the
ticket sellers, the popcornsellers, the production crew,

(25:42):
the audience, the lion, theelephants, the monkeys, all of
those that rely on direction andbeing controlled a little bit,
are at the other end.
So that's your polarities andthat's where your power dynamic
is.
Your masculine, feminine essenceis interesting because what

(26:02):
I've noted is, at the extremeend, lion tamers are
particularly masculinecharacters.
They're what I call thecommando man, the rambos, the
ones that want to get theirtruck and go, you know smashing
it up.
They like their football andthey like their Budweiser's.

(26:23):
And don't interrupt with me,woman, I'm watching the game.
That kind of guy you get me.
And the other end of thespectrum is the kind and I'm
going to use the guys here, butI'll use the girls in a minute
the other end of the spectrum isthe guy that kind of is into
his creative side maybe is quiteeffeminate.
Is not your rambo, is not yourtriathlon iron man?

(26:48):
Okay, your iron man.
The other end, yeah yeahthey're the go-getters.
They're saying these, thereceptive type that does a lot
of reading and maybe doessomething, and they're all fine.
But you need a partner thatcompliments you, and when I hear
the phrase, I need a partnerthat compliments me or completes

(27:11):
me, and recently I've heard alot of this.
Well, that shouldn't happen.
You shouldn't need someone tocomplete you.
Well, actually, you do, somepeople don't, and some people do
, and size doesn't fit all.
Which is why the circusquestion.
I desire devise the circusquestion because I've been in
your shoes.
I've been in most people's shoestwo marriages, two engagements,

(27:34):
four failures yeah seems like atrend these days well, yeah,
when I, when I decided to dateagain after breaking up from a
13 year relationship, I was 47and I couldn't go to clubs or
bars and not quite fit in thateasily without lying about my

(27:57):
age, because what are you doingin a bar as 20 year olds or a
club and um?
So I found that I was onlinedating.
And online dating was veryalien to me because I've been in
a 13 year relationship andthere I was for three solid
years dating online and ofcourse, your tinders and your
okay cupids and your plenty offish and your hinges and

(28:19):
whatever.
So I did the whole lot butwhile I was that, I couldn't
identify who was right for me.
I could identify who I fancied,I could identify who I could
have fun with, but I couldn'tidentify who I wanted to settle
down with long term just fromlooking at their profile and you

(28:40):
know what?
I was fortunate, I got quite afew likes.
Like I said, I was aprofessional portrait
photographer at one point and Ihad some great photos and that
makes a difference and I advisemy clients to take the best
possible pictures and write agood bio.
So I got some interest, but notall that interest was quite
what I wanted, because after Istarted talking to them I was

(29:01):
thinking we're not compatible.
So I devised the circus questionand the circus question helped
me filter people.
It wasn't in exactly the statethat it's in now.
It was a little bit more, alittle bit less elaborate,
although it's simple.
It was what would you be in acircus?

(29:22):
And that just gave me aconscious reaction and normally
it would be.
Well, I don't like heights, soI'll be this.
And then I changed it becauseit didn't work, just getting a
what would you be in a circus?
People think of what they cando, not what they would imagine
they would be.

Speaker 1 (29:40):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (29:41):
Imagination that reveals your truth.
And once I changed it, I wasable to then tell people listen,
you're a lovely lady, or you'rea lovely girl, um, but we're
not compatible.
And I'd get the reaction well,how?
You don't know me, you don'tknow me.
How would you know that?

(30:02):
And I said well, one, I've readyour profile.
Two, I know from your answer tomy question that you are this,
this and this and this and thisand this is what you need, not
what you want, but this is whatyou need.
Actually, you know, you'reright, I do need that.
And I would say to them this iswhat you don't need, which is

(30:22):
more important, because what youavoid is the red flags.
So the red flags, when we'redating someone, we always avoid
the red flags because we weredating someone.
We always avoid the red flagsbecause we think, oh, I like her
, I like him or I like her, um,and you think, well, I'll make
them the way I want them to be,they like me, so she'll come
around to my way of thinking.

(30:43):
No chance wow especially nochance.
So you're better off cuttingyour ties there and then and
saying, look, it was lovelyknowing you, but we're not
compatible.
Or we are compatible and I'dlike to get to know you, which
is which is why we use thecircus question as a filter.

(31:04):
And if we use it right at thebeginning, there's no commitment
.
You're not ghosting anybody.
You know you're not.
You know you're not ghostinganyone by saying, right, yeah,
let's get to know each other.
Then you disappear.
You just tell them straightlook, we're not compatible.
This is the reason, especiallyif you're a dating coach yeah
I'm gonna explain why we're notcompatible.
And I ended up coaching peoplebecause, although I was on t

(31:28):
looking for a partner, I wasgetting far more people that I
weren't compatible with than Iwas.
And I found myself in aposition where and I love
psychology and I love the wholedynamic of understanding people
and I'd say to them look, Idon't mind helping you, there's
my inbox, go off and do this,ask the question, come back in

(31:51):
my inbox.
And I had hundreds uponhundreds of women obviously
women coming back to me andsaying, andrea, I want you to
help me here.
I've met this guy.
He says he's an audience.
He doesn't know what he'd be,he just wants to be in the
audience.
And I'd say, okay, and Iexplained what that meant and
they'd be like but how does itwork?

(32:12):
How does it work?
How is it possible?
There's over 50 choices now andthe app has got the odd new one
coming on every now and again.
But I would get people sayingwhat's audience?
And I'd say, okay, audience ispassive, supportive.
You're there and you'resupporting your partner who's up
there.
You're letting them shine.

(32:35):
Comedians, especially famouscomedians, often have partners
that just want to be unknown.
Yeah, I just want to be yoursupport network.
I want to be the woman that youcome home to and maybe you cry,
or the dishes are done and thecooking's done and the kids are
in bed, or whatever it is.
I will support you.

(32:56):
It doesn't mean you're not avaluable part of my dynamic.
You are very valuable.
But the comedian wants to bethe star, the comedian being the
clown.
Yeah, yeah, in the circle of theclown, but the clown wears a
mask, by the way.
This is the thing with theclown.
The clown is a controller.
That's why they're an eight anda half control, emotional

(33:19):
control.
The lion tamer's kind of thephysical, not necessarily whip,
but kind of the come on, let'sget going dynamic.
And the clown is very much thethe pensive.
I'm gonna be funny today, butthen when I come home I want to
be really thoughtful and youdon't bother asking me what's
wrong, because you know I'm adeep thinker yeah yeah, so they

(33:43):
wear the mask.
They're funny when they're outthere and they're quiet when
they're at home.
This is not necessarily, butthey go through these moods and
so they have an emotionalcontrol.
So they need a person thatunderstands that.
But they also need a personthat's going to put up with it.
You wouldn't, definitely youwouldn't.
You'd be the kind of personthat go, look what's up with you

(34:05):
.
You're not talking to me,what's going on, can I help you?
And he'd be like man, look,just leave me alone.
I just need to I don't know bein my man cave.
I just want to be in my mancave, read my, read my book, or
I'll just you know, ah, I'm notready for jokes.
I'll come out when I'm ready tohave fun with you.
Put the mask on, have fun,because that's what a clown does

(34:26):
.
They only let you see what theywant you to see.
When they want you to see it,to see it.

Speaker 1 (34:32):
Yeah, hence wearing the mask.

Speaker 2 (34:36):
And we often meet and I've been victim to this so
many when I did the analogiesand when I actually I mean it's
taken a long time to get thesetogether and I mean they are
deep, they go on and on and onand on right yeah like I said,
there's over 50 choices.
Every single one has got depthand substance.

(34:59):
I'm not blowing my own trumpethere.
They've got depth and substancethat you will relate to.
So if you pick an act that youthink, aha, this won't be there,
for example, if you pick an actthat you think, ah, this won't
be there.
For example, if you pick tiger,well, tiger isn't there, but
lion is.
So I suggest the app that, ifit's close to you, know the area

(35:20):
that you know, you just picklion, because lion, big cat, you
know, black panther, cheetahI've had all kinds of.
You know I can't write pages oneverything because it would
just be copying.
Lion is a generic for Big Cat,lion Tamer is generic for Lion
Tameress.
So, masculine or female, you'rein there.
Ringmaster, ringmission, yeah,yeah, so we get it.

(35:44):
There's Snake Charmers, swordSwallows, fire Eaters I mean
you'll be shocked wheel of death.
There's loads, and when youlisten I'm shocked at how many
there are, and I do get them.
Occasionally there are the onesthat are more popular, but you
know what, when?
When someone says to me whatthe most popular ones, I can

(36:07):
tell you what the most popularones are, but it's not relevant
to you, because what's relevantto you is what you chose,
because what you chose is whereyou are.
Nadine, what star sign are you?
What?
What star sign are you?

Speaker 1 (36:25):
Oh, you mean like Aquarius.

Speaker 2 (36:28):
That's the one.
Yeah, what zodiac sign are you?

Speaker 1 (36:31):
well, isn't that the same?
Am I getting confused here?
So?

Speaker 2 (36:35):
what star star sign?
Well, we call it star sign.
Maybe zodiac sign, zodiac signokay, just aquarius okay,
aquarius, are you familiar withthe compatibility system of a
synastry where you know they sayyour aquarius should meet blah
blah should never go with.

Speaker 1 (36:53):
I don't know, I'm not gonna lie my daughter just did
that to me like my last date.
She asked what is he?
What sign?
He was a scorpio and mydaughter goes like right away I
should listen to her you know,you're the, the, this generation
, that are dating.

Speaker 2 (37:11):
Now it's become very popular.
Synastry and astrology and thewhole compatibility thing with
star signs or astrological signshas become extremely popular,
especially on dating sites.
People are asking people now.
15 years ago they weren't doingthat so much.
Um, because people needsomething that they can use to

(37:33):
give them a filter or a headstart.
I mean, listen, it's beenreported recently and I'm sure
when this podcast comes out,it's only just been reported in
the uk that the dating sites arehaving problems.
People are voting with theirfingers, they're swiping away,
hundreds of thousands of usersare coming off the sites.
And it's not because datingsites are not any good.

(37:57):
It's because the compatibilityfilters on dating sites aren't
really helping people enough.
Hence I'm trying to create atool which will help people.
But if you've got a tool thatwill help you filter people, it
doesn't necessarily guarantee100.
Nothing's 100 in life.

(38:18):
I mean, god, I could walk outthe door now and get killed.
You know nothing's 100.
But what is 100 is if you putthe effort in, you will get the
reward that you deserve.
So if you go in blind, that'sone of my.
My marketing strategy forvalentine's was don't date blind
.
Use the tool to help you get ahead start.

(38:40):
So your daughter's not wrong,in a sense, because she must
have done her homework and saidright Aquarius and Scorpio don't
go.
Funnily enough, my dating, myserious dating although
obviously some of them have beenfailures.
That's why I'm here now with asuccessful one, but even she's

(39:01):
Cancer.
I'm a Virgo.
All my serious dates have beenPisces, cancer, because I'm an,
an earth sign and they're waterand I need water to go together
you get me?
yes, I do.
So that part of it I understood.
I don't really know about theother ones but it's a

(39:23):
coincidence, but it isn'tbecause a cancer, because a
Cancer or a Pisces, actuallytheir personality works with
mine and that compatibility iskind of summarized in the circus
question because those traitsof patience, of communication of

(39:43):
you know I could list them, butyou know it's hard for me to
list them actually because Ican't see but but basically you
will see and agree with most ofthem.
There might be the odd one thatyou can't know.
That's not me, but then readthe negative.
Then you'll be in a toxicenvironment.

(40:03):
Am I avoiding in a toxicenvironment?
Am I resentful?
Well, you'd say we all are.
But those are the traits thatreally come to the fore and when
you're in a toxic environmentwe often put up with those, with
things, and that list willresonate strongly with your past
relationships.
You don't want them in yourfuture so by teaching you what

(40:27):
to avoid and showing you in theapp, I'm hopefully giving you a
head start and an opportunity topursue the guy you fancy,
rather than the guy you fancyblind.
Because, listen, guys, peoplecan tell you anything.
Of course, it's not foolproof,proof and people have said to me
okay, so what if the person Iasked the question says they're

(40:53):
flying trapeze?
And you say okay.
So you look at your list, yougo okay, he's this, this, this
and this and this.
That sounds like we arecompatible.
Let's continue our conversation.
And you're the one with the app, you're the one everything
about that person and theirtraits.
So then you go out on a dateand you're sitting there across

(41:15):
the table and the menu comes andhe says Nadine, I'm not going
to ask you what you want to eat,I'm going to order for both of
us.
You're like whoa, hold on aminute.

Speaker 1 (41:29):
Big red flag yes, yes , that happened a month ago I'm
gonna order the wine, but Idon't drink wine.

Speaker 2 (41:39):
No, I'm gonna order the wine, you're gonna drink
wine.
What the f?
Am I doing here?
Why are you taking control,nadine?
You're not wearing that shortskirt next time we go out.
You're not wearing that becauseI don't want guys looking at
you.
Whoa, these insecurities, thiscontrol reminiscent of the lion
tamer so no lion tamers for meyou look at the lion tamer in

(42:04):
the app and you go, whoa, thatdescribes this guy and no more
dates.
And you can tell him listen,mate, you said flying trapeze,
but I think you may have lied alittle bit there or you may have
kind of deceived me a littlebit, but but you, by seeing the
red flags early, you've savedyourself heartache yes toxicity.

(42:28):
I mean, look, you mentioned adaughter.
If you're going into a nextrelationship and I've got three
kids now, okay I might.
My very story was at 47,started dating at 52, met my
wife.
I've now got three kids undersix.
Hello happy story.
All from not the app, becausethe app wasn't developed then,

(42:51):
but from the circus questionbecause identified who I really
wanted to be with.
She interviewed me, trust me.
She interviewed me hard.
We took us a month to actuallyget together.
I don't advise my clients to dothis.
I actually said get together assoon as possible because you
need the eye contact, but ittook a month.
And it took a month because sheinterviewed me, interviewed me.
Do you know what I thought?
Blimey, this is the person Ineed to be with, because this is

(43:12):
yeah anyway.
So the next person you want todate, nadine, and ideally settle
down with, is your idealpartner.
You can't be, I mean, if you, ifyou want to have fun and what I
call you know I call it casualrelationships and formal
relationships you want a formalrelationship?

(43:33):
You've got a child?
You probably aren't.
You don't want to be messedaround.

Speaker 1 (43:38):
Yes, exactly.

Speaker 2 (43:39):
One thing that's going to give you an edge, and I
know you're a dating coach, Iknow you probably get you've got
your profile amazing pictures.
You know amazing bio 100%.
I coach quite a few coachesactually.
So I need to change my namefrom dating coach to dating
mentor, because I I've coachedso funny because yeah, I
probably need you.

Speaker 1 (44:01):
I was like I may be a relationship coach and people
come to me, but I just feel likeI've been duped so many times
going on dates.

Speaker 2 (44:11):
I've been there.
You know, I'm not going to lie.
I used to date blind.
I'd go oh God, she's great.
Well, with my eyes that arerose-tinted glasses, wow, I've
got to get this girl's number,get her number.
I mean, I was an internationalDJ, so I was DJing and girls
would throw themselves at me and, of course, if I wanted fun, I

(44:31):
had fun.
But there were some that Iactually thought, oh my God,
wife material, because we datewith our eyes.
Yes, and you're like, oh my God, yeah, you know what.
There's some things I don'tlike about you, but I will make
you the perfect wife.
Big mistake, yeah, the perfectwife.

Speaker 1 (44:48):
Big mistake yeah.

Speaker 2 (44:51):
Look, if and my theory is this, if you're in the
right foundation with the rightpartner, one you fancy, one
that fancies you.
Obviously there are otherelements that are great, and I
don't need to explain all ofthose smells, icks that you

(45:12):
don't mind.
They're under six foot, they'refive foot eleven.
Oh my god, one inch.
I bet you get that as a datingcoach.
I want them to be six foot plus, when 80 of the world are under
six foot.
You know you're alreadycreating a problem when it
shouldn't be five foot elevenand three quarters.
For god's sake, just go with it,man.
I mean, I'm a short ass.
I was dating a six foot catwalkmodel.

(45:35):
You know, at the end of the dayI shouldn't have been.
She was.
She was beyond me on that scale, but not from a relationship
point of view.
We're 13 years together, sothat wasn't the problem.
The problem was probably me,because I lost my business and I
was depressed and there wereloads of issues.
But you can't control thosefactors.
But things you can control areyou find a partner that you're

(45:58):
compatible with and you growtogether.
You go in the same directiontogether, because the less
chance and I use this analogyyour ideal partnership is one
where you're in the same carwith the same partner going in
the same direction.
Right, right, you really don'twant to be in two separate cars

(46:22):
thinking you're going in thesame direction.
What's going to happen?
We've all had someone follow usin a car or we followed a car.
You get lost.
It's impossible to maintain.
You might think you're going inthe same direction, but at some
point you drift apart andthere's no guarantee to life.

(46:42):
Like I said, even if you're inthe same car, you might just
hate the sight of each otherafter a while.
I mean, this is always thething, the conundrum that's
always bugged me why, when youmeet someone new relationship
energy you are infatuated beyondcontrol.
We've all been that sick 16, 18, yeah, but you still get that

(47:07):
in the 30s and that you can'tstop talking or thinking about
them.
Are they texting me?
Are they not texting me?
What?
What they doing right now?
You know the kind of thing.
You know what the time I wonderwhere they're at.
We've all been there and thatnew relationship energy is
amazing.
There comes a point, when youbreak up with someone, that you

(47:27):
hate the sight of them.
I was going to swear.
Then you hate the sight of them.
Am I right or am I wrong?

Speaker 1 (47:35):
Well, I wish people these days did verbally
communicate.
They wanted to break up insteadof ghosting.

Speaker 2 (47:43):
Well, you know ghosting and I'm going to say
this because I've been a man ondating sites and I've seen it
firsthand with clients all thetime Ghosting is easy when
you've got a plan B.
So in the old days when we wentto a bar or a club or something
in our local area and we metsomeone, it's very difficult to

(48:04):
ghost the girl you're going outwith if your local club or
hangout is where she's going,because if you ghosted her you'd
get seen or found out andthere'd be some kind of your
lockheads.
Okay, online it's very easy todisappear because you just
disappear, especially if you'reon a dating site and you are

(48:26):
just a name and there's nosocial media connection or
anything.
So I think I think the problemwith ghosting is something we're
going to have to live with.
But if you can respectfully putsomeone down and say, look,
we're not compatible bye-bye,you're doing your part to

(48:48):
actually be respectful, becauseno one likes, no one likes,
you've been ghosted.
We've all been ghosted at somepoint.
You know there were times whenI'd message people and I'd get,
you know, one word answer andI'd kind of go okay, how do I
carry on this conversation?
How are you fine?
Okay, okay, right, at least thecircus question opens a

(49:12):
discussion.
It's a great opener, I mean fora guy.
When I started using the circusquestion, if I put out 100
circus questions to ladies,women, I'd get 78% return
immediately, not disappearing tothe ether, whereas before if it

(49:32):
was hi, how you?
I'm andrea.
I'm not not a huge paragraph,but a little bit of info.
I saw your photograph or I sawthat you like going to, you know
skiing or whatever it was.
Make a comment about theprofile, which is what I coach
people.
Now you know I would get one in, maybe 10.

Speaker 1 (49:54):
Photograph what you're saying.

Speaker 2 (49:56):
My bio was exactly the same.
The difference was the openingquestion, just the opening
question, because I mean, youknow, I don't want you to reveal
how many, but if you're on adating site, nadine, and you put
10, I don't know you look atyour inbox, how many have you?
You're on a dating site, nadineand you you put 10.

Speaker 1 (50:14):
I don't know.
You look at your inbox.
How many have you got?
10, 20, 30, I usually 10 out ofthe week and whether yeah,
sometimes you can just pick upon a profile reading, so how?

Speaker 2 (50:23):
do you feel?

Speaker 1 (50:27):
my goodness, I guess I'm ghosting too, because if
they don't respond, you see yeahso I guess, yeah, I guess I am.
But you know, if I open up andsaid, hey, I just don't think
we're compatible, it's gonna belike why, you know?
It's like oh, because I paidmore attention to your bio or

(50:49):
you know what is it?

Speaker 2 (50:50):
okay, I'll give you my link, send them the link to
the app and then go findyourself.
That's all you have to.
Go find yourself, not the f,other words, other f word.
Go find yourself in the app andthen you'll see why we're not
compatible.
And if you want, just saylisten, I'm trapeze solo and

(51:12):
you're lion tamer.
I'm going to use lion tamer asan example yes go find yourself
and then tell me if we'recompatible, and what it will do
is help them find who they needyeah, is that you know?
people say what is the what isthe right choice?
There is no right choice.
The right choice for you is theright choice.

(51:32):
That's why I don't do.
I once um, coached um, someonethat was really big on empirical
data.
You know what that is, don'tyou stats?
oh, okay and she said to me Ilove your question, I love that,
have what's your empirical datalike?
And I said, what do you mean?
Because I didn't know what shemeant.
And she said, well, whatpercentage of people pick this

(51:56):
and what percentage of peoplepick that?
And I say, how is that going tohelp you?
I said, well, it's not.
But I'm curious.
And I said, well, let it becuriosity in 10 years time, when
I've got enough stats toactually produce that.
But that's not going to helppeople.
It's not about picking the onethat's right, because there is
no right or wrong.
It's what's right for you,because who's going to date you,

(52:19):
who's going to marry you, who'sgoing to live with you?
You are with the other person,so don't make one up, don't
pretend you're Nadine.
If you said to me I want to bea lion tamer, well, you want to
be a lion tamer, but is thatyour truth?
No, can you sustain thatcontrol in a relationship?
Do you want to be the oneTelling someone what to do?

(52:42):
No, do you want them waitingfor you to tell them Even worse,
waiting for you to tell them?
Or do you want them them evenworse, waiting for you to tell
them or do you want them toshare responsibility for the
relationship and actually getoff their butt?
We use that terminology get offtheir butt and share
responsibility?

(53:02):
Yeah, career, I mean you mighthave your career.
They've got their respect thatI've got to go out and work.
You can go down, you know itdoesn't matter.
You could be at home, you couldbe a stay-at-home wife.
That doesn't mean you've notgot a career.
To me that's just as important.
You know, I might be thebreadwinner and my wife isn't
the breadwinner, but she is thehome builder.
She brings the kids up morethan I do because she does

(53:25):
everything for them.
You know, not everything, butmost of the things 90% she does.
The bottom line is isunderstanding the dynamic that
you need, not what you want.
We all want a Ferrari, don't we?
One of my analogies is we allwant a Ferrari, but can we
maintain it?
Can we pay the insurance?

(53:46):
Can we pay the service everyyear?
Can we afford to put it outsideour drive?
Where we live in ourneighborhood?
Will it get vandalized?
Because if you live in anaffluent area, they've all got
one, but if you live in anaverage area, you're going to
find key marks all over it.
You're going to find, you know,letting the tires down.

(54:08):
So it's the same withrelationships.
Can you maintain therelationship you want versus the
relationship you need?
The relationship you need youvery much can maintain that,

(54:32):
make decisions with you, discussit with you, not control you.
Let you be an autonomous, whichis what you need autonomy,
independence, lets you shine,lets you be responsible and you
allow them.
No jealousy some jealousy cancan come out and I I hate it
when people say he's not jealous, he doesn't care about me.
Do you know what?
He's not jealous?
Because he's secure in hisattachment style yeah he's still

(54:56):
threatened by your beauty.
He doesn't feel threatened byother men approaching you.
Obviously, if you've got themout and you're short and your
skirts up to your navel, there'sa lot to be threatened about.
There's a lot to be about.
Yeah, we're not talking aboutthat.
We're talking sensible now.
Yeah, so there's lots ofpositives and negatives in

(55:20):
relationships that we need toidentify to help us direct us in
the right direction.
All right, definitely.

Speaker 1 (55:29):
I am going to start using your method and I want to
see how well it does out of themonth for me.
I'm going to do and I want toreport back to you too.
So because I do believe in this, I really do, and you know, I
just look at the questions I'vebeen asking so like tell me

(55:51):
something I don't know or nobodyelse knows about you, maybe a
favorite childhood memory and itopens that it's an icebreaker.
So it's just a way that I it'salmost like interviewing- here
I'm going to use the circus I'mgoing to interview.

Speaker 2 (56:10):
You know, this is the beauty it's.
It's a question, that's not um,we need the whole idea.
It's quite whimsical when yousay circus people actually, oh
right, okay, you said, let meask you a question.
You start feeling, oh my God,he's going to ask me about my
past or my future, or where aregoing to be in five years time.

(56:30):
We all know that question whereyou're going to be in five
years time.
Okay, that's great, but I might.
Am I going to be with you infive years time?
Who knows?
So what's the point?
Yeah, great to ask.
Those are the questions you canask over dinner.
But what I want to know is arewe as a compatible dynamic?
That's important to me.

(56:52):
Are you going to make me feelsecure?
One of the other analogies andI talked about the extreme
polarities of the lion tamer andthe lion 9 and 1, making 10.
The most balanced relationshipis the flying trapeze and the
catcher.
You know the one right in themiddle of the circus where they

(57:13):
both swing in and out.
He's on one side and he's onthe other side and all of a
sudden she decides to flip andhe catches her and he flings out
this way and he comes back andhe lets her go, and that's a
five and a half and four and ahalf.
That's the most balanceddynamic in a circus.
Obviously, you're going to saywhy not a five and a half and
four and a half?
That's the most balanceddynamic in a circus.
Obviously, you're going to saywhy not a five and a five?
Well, they're balanced, but theanalogy works because you can

(57:35):
see it, they're two peopleworking in complete timing,
complete respect for each other.
He knows his strength, which isto catch her when she needs it.
She's got her independence onthe other trapeze and once in a
while she lets go and he's thereto catch her.
And that's how thatrelationship is is so that

(57:58):
they're they're a completelybalanced dynamic.
And I'll tell you when you fall.
That's the term that I'mthinking of yeah, exactly, and
that and that works as ananalogy.
Strangely enough and I and I'llshare this with you because we
talked about weddings I was at awedding once and um, at this
wedding I got talking to a guythat I knew and I won't share

(58:21):
too much information because ifhe ever sees this he'll know.
Well, he doesn't matter becausehe knows.
But I was talking to him and hesaid what are you working on at
the moment?
I said I'm working on thisquestion.
I said, actually, let me askyou the question first, because
if you start telling people whatit's about, it's because we
want our unconscious selectionto work, so we want our

(58:41):
unconscious truth.
So if you start saying it, youanswer this question, it tells
you this.
You kind of spoil it a bit, ok.
So I said to him listen, let meask you this.
And it was you.
You kind of spoil it a bit,okay.
So I said to him listen, let meask you this question.
I asked him the question and hesaid aha, and he kind of laughed
into his drink because he washolding his glass of wine and I
said why are you laughing?
He went you're not gonnabelieve this.
And I said what?

(59:02):
And he said I imagine myself ona trapeze.
And I said okay, what's so,what's so funny about that?
And he said I'm wearing a shinyleotard, sparkly leotard, and
I'm swinging and I'm letting goand someone's catching me now.
He's a guy, yeah, yeah, buthe's a guy and a straight guy,

(59:26):
one, two, quite.
I would say quite a strong,masculine, male, I would you
know, quite feminine in therespect of being the one who
gets caught yeah but I knew hiswife and immediately I went oh

(59:46):
my god, I this, this and thisabout you, similar to your
traits, you know you like to beindependent, autonomous, you
like to shine, you like this,you like that.
And he said yeah.
And I said and your wifecontrols the relationship but
likes to share the control withyou?

(01:00:08):
And he went my god, yeah.
I said yeah.
And I know that now because Iknow your wife, the saying she
wears the trousers in therelationship.
It's true for them, because hehas to ask her before he
actually agrees to do anything,but not on the basis that he
feels codependent, just on thebasis I'm going to check with my

(01:00:32):
wife before I can let you know,kind of thing.
And if she wants to say, Idon't know, let's go holiday
somewhere, if she says I want togo there, he invariably agrees.
But they debate it, but theyagree.
And he said, oh my God, thatanalogy really works.

(01:00:54):
And I said it wouldn't work theother way around it.
She wouldn't be the one, theleotard, and you're where,
you're the one catching her.
And he said no, no chance.
And she's his emotionalstrength, not his physical
strength.
His emotional strength becauseas much as he's a guy, he's
quite emotional and a little bitinsecure and now and again
she's the pick-me-up.
Yeah, and that's thecompatibility for them.

(01:01:17):
So that was an interestingaside from when you said about
weddings.
But we spent about half an hourchatting at this wedding and he
pulled the wife over and hesaid look, you're going to like
this.
And I asked the question guesswhat she picked?
Well, trapi Gotcha.

Speaker 1 (01:01:35):
Trapis yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:01:36):
Yeah, and we were in fit, we were like laughing and
he was like, oh my God.
He said thank God she didn'tsay lion tamer, because I said,
well, it's possible she couldhave said lion tamer, yes, but
after two kids and 20 years Callout of the wedding.
Two kids and 20 years.
I think you pretty much sayyou've got quite a balanced

(01:01:56):
relationship, yeah, so anyway,that's a good example.
It is you can second guess it,how old is your daughter?

Speaker 1 (01:02:08):
Oh, she's 23.
Well, there you go.
You've got to ask her thequestion.

Speaker 2 (01:02:14):
Yeah, I can definitely she's in a asking
family and friends is reallyinteresting because when you ask
family and friends, you alreadyknow them and you kind of think
you know what they're going toanswer.
It's surprising when they do,when you look at the app and you
can see what defines them andyou think, oh my God, yeah, that

(01:02:36):
is true.

Speaker 1 (01:02:37):
Why didn't I see?

Speaker 2 (01:02:37):
that.

Speaker 1 (01:02:39):
Yeah, that is.
Yeah, that's really cool.
I am definitely going to usethat.

Speaker 2 (01:02:45):
It works in the workplace as well, by the way.

Speaker 1 (01:02:49):
Yeah, I can see why.
But also, you know there ismore.
But I'm going to do a quick,really quick break and I'm going
to bring in our next sponsorfor Keep Up Alive, which is
Snapfans, and, as you can see, Ihave mine on.
Mine says I can't even get thewords to show.

(01:03:09):
Oh, you know what?
Because I'm holding the words.
Sorry about that.
Mine says hope and this iscalled a mantra word for the
snap bands.
Now mantra words will come inthe words of peace, hope, love,
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(01:03:30):
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They are made with a veganleather which is nice and sturdy
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(01:03:51):
to the brain and this is to helpyou reduce your stress, your
depression, your anxiety, if youhave PTSD, and always kind of
like, say a little prayer withit, like for me, I would say
hope or have faith.
I'm always praying for thepeople who have to find a vein

(01:04:13):
on me because I'm a hard stick.
So those poor nurses.
I will do that and say mylittle prayer and everything as
it goes through.
But when you buy SnapBands,benefits will go to the
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(01:04:36):
Come and check out their websiteat wwwsnapbandscom and that is
spelled S-N-A-P-P-B-A-N-D-Zcom.
All right, well, we're back.
So you know.
I remember that there isanother testing out there that

(01:04:59):
they use for what is it whenyou're getting hired on?
It's called a DISC.
Have you heard of that?

Speaker 2 (01:05:08):
sorry, a disc.
In respect of what thecompatibility?

Speaker 1 (01:05:11):
E-I-S-C, and I guess you know, with the test it tells
you if you're a D, and this iswhat it means, or I.
I know I was an.
I I'm bubbly, outgoing freespirit.
You know things are on the gofor me.
I love to help people, so, andthen S, and then you learn how

(01:05:33):
to work with that person as well.
Now, that's being said forcorporations, but I feel like
we're talking to people.
That should be used forrelationships also, and I, you
know the two.
Like I got to thinking, I wantto combine the two now because I

(01:05:53):
think circus is great.
What are your thoughts?

Speaker 2 (01:05:57):
Well, yeah, I mean I'm familiar with Myers-Briggs,
the Myers-Briggs compatibilitysystem, sorry, the personality
trait system, but again, whenyou go on a dating site and you
see someone's got enjp, okay,first of all you need to be
familiar with the system.

(01:06:17):
Secondly, what does that meanto me?
Yeah, exactly, or either youknow, like you said, you're
independent, or you're, you'reum, you're confident, or
whatever those letters mean.
Fine, but confident peoplearen't always compatible with
you.
A lion tamer is not compatiblewith you and I've demonstrated

(01:06:39):
how.
So it's important.
And I don't.
I'm not familiar with the disksystem.
I'm familiar with the insightsdiscovery system.
Uh, what they use in in hr, inin workplaces, and you know, a
whole four or five page manualis produced on your answering 20
odd questions.
Look on a dating site.
You haven't got a chance to ask20 to 20 questions, have?

(01:07:02):
you yeah no, and you know itneeds to be fun.
If you start asking me, why areyou?
I don't know, like the five day, five years, where you're going
to be, even five years from now.
First question I'm thinking,jesus, this is an interview,
this is what they say whenyou're going into hr and you'll
be interviewed for a job andyou're and you're wondering
whether you're going to be, youknow, ambitious enough to rise

(01:07:25):
up the ladder.
So do we want to employ you?
This is not what we're talkingabout here.
We're talking about a dynamic,and a dynamic needs to be fun,
otherwise people hold back, theywithdraw.
Um, it needs to be insightfulbecause otherwise you're not
getting their truth.
And you know what, if you getin there quickly, before they

(01:07:45):
actually discover this tool,maybe you'll get the truth
without them thinking, well, um,I'm going to say lion tamer,
because she looks like she couldbe a lion.
The reality is this.
You see, nadine is when peopleask me, what about if they know
this tool?
They've, maybe they've got theapp.
The truth is they don't knowwhat your answer is so never,

(01:08:10):
say never, say before you askthem, I am a trapeze, whatever.
Because then they will say ifthey want to seduce you, if they
want to cause you harm, if theywant to, you know, treat you
casually.
And you don't want to betreated casually and enter a
dynamic which is not going to befavorable for you, then you

(01:08:30):
need to kind of hold your cardsclose to your chest and say I,
I'll tell you what I am when youtell me what you are exactly
the leo, the scorpio, thewhatever.
Don't reveal what you arebefore you ask them.
Then you know the compatibility, then you can control the
dynamic.
And that's why I like coachingwomen, because it gives them

(01:08:51):
control, even if they want to bein control of their
relationship and they want a manor a partner to take control of
their relationship.
The tool allows them to havethat control.
And you know what?
It's quite satisfying becausewomen come to me as a coach and
they say look, can you help mehere?
And I empower them with thistool far more than they thought

(01:09:15):
they were going to be empowered,because they just thought I was
going to, you know, say oh, youlook lovely.
Oh, you've written a great bio,there's some nice pictures.
Yeah, this picture, choose thispicture, not that picture.
That's empowering this is thisis so empowering.
Clients come back to me and theysay, and I'm sure you will come
back to me and go oh my god,I've had so much fun with this,

(01:09:36):
because the guy didn't know whathit him.
He thought he was so clever.
He was kind of like yeah, I'mgoing to get into your sliding
to your dms it doesn't have tobe a dating site, by the way
sliding to your dms on socialmedia and then you hit them with
a question, even better, onsocial media, because you can
check out their profile and youcan.
You can look down their profileand identify the traits that

(01:09:59):
you're reading on the app.
Exactly okay.
But I like the guy.
I wonder let's have, oh my god,look, narcissist.
He's posing in front of his car.
He's got big fish.
You know.
He's kind of doing the thingsthat he shouldn't be doing.
They're not compatible with me,you know, whereas someone who's

(01:10:19):
balanced, who's ideal for you,might be a bit more
family-orientated in respect oftheir life yes.
You know, it doesn't mean thatlion tamers are no good.
It doesn't mean that liontamers are no good.
It doesn't mean lions are nogood.
It doesn't mean any of theattacks are no good.

Speaker 1 (01:10:39):
They're no good for you.
That's all gotcha, gotcha, yeah.
So I want to look at that appand again your listeners or your
viewers.

Speaker 2 (01:10:45):
If they want to know directly from me, then you've
got the links.
Um, there's a community on theapp.
Uh, we've just installed thecommunity where you can q and a
me.
Uh, unfortunately, people can'ttalk to each other.
So you, you can talk to me orto the team, but you can't talk
to each other at this stage.

(01:11:07):
Uh, we haven't created thesystem where people are able to
share.
You can share comments, but youcan't dm people.
Does that make sense?

Speaker 1 (01:11:16):
it, yeah, it does, and I think that's actually
better.
Yes, just to keep it safer yeah, definitely, I agree with you
on that.
So let me just ask you.
I want to ask you a quickquestion so say I am at a bar
for karaoke and this guy startstalking to me.
He's kind of cute, but you knowit's at a bar and everybody

(01:11:40):
tells you don't ever dateanybody from this bar.
But then you also hear stories.
I met him at the bar, we'regetting married, you know so,
but you can't like how.
How would you say I have aquestion for you?
Close your eyes.
And I mean that's not going towork.
You can't tell him to close hiseyes.

Speaker 2 (01:11:59):
So how do you get?
around that okay, well, you look, for drama's sake, we closed
our eyes, we went the breathingtechnique.
It would look, especially ifhe's a barman.
You know he's the bartender.
Hey, close your eyes, don'ttoss in the bottles, I just need
a shot, then you.
Then you either need to do it adifferent way, which could be

(01:12:23):
uh it.
You know you could do itanother way.
You could write a note on yourphone, pull out the app, let him
read, because in the sectionwhere I ask the question on the
app, I do it vocally, so if it'squiet you can hear it, or he
can read it because you've gotthe auto.
Um, you know, you're notlooking at me, you're just

(01:12:45):
listening and you're, you cansee the auto text, so it will
write it.
You can either send them avoice note sorry, send them a
note or you can whisper in theirear and just ask it the way I
asked.
You don't worry about thebreathing, whatever, because,
look, it's going to work at somepoint at some level.
Okay, yeah, truth is, if heidentifies with lion for you,

(01:13:08):
for you, for example, lion,tamer or lion, you know, it's a
dead, dead in the water if youidentify with something that's
kind of and you've got the app,remember, you're sliding, you
can see, oh, let me just, uh,let me, oh, I just need to go to
the loo.
And you go to the toilet or thebathroom or the whatever you
call it in the states.
You go to the um, the ladiesand you, and you pull out the

(01:13:28):
app and you go, I said a stillwalker, what the hell is still
walker.
And you look it up and you go,oh, yeah, it's a six.
Oh, it's a six okay.
Oh, I'm a four, that's a ten.
Yeah, that's a ten.
Oh, okay, that's balanced.
Good, you look at his mainpositive traits.
They, they resonate with yours.

(01:13:49):
Okay, now we've got aconversation starter, we can go
back and we can start talkingabout things that are important
to you that you know are goingto resonate with him.
Remember, you're able to seducehim.
This is key, by the way.
You're able to seduce him byknowing what he is about.

(01:14:12):
Now, that's a very keysituation here, because you, as
the woman, are able to directthe situation.
In other words, you're able totap into his vulnerability.
His vulnerability is thepositives in his character
traits, not his negatives.
So you're able to say, okay,I'm really family orientated, I

(01:14:36):
really do this and I do this atweekends.
What about you?
Oh God, that's what I likedoing, yeah, and you can create
the environment that works andseduce the relationship.
In other words, look, when Icoach clients and I'm sure you
do it as well the most importantelement in finding your ideal

(01:14:58):
partner is recognition,recognizing them.
Yeah, the most important isdirecting the dynamic, because
nobody knows how good you are toanother person or how well you
would be together, other thanyou selling yourself.

(01:15:18):
If you go to an interview, youdon't sit there quiet, ask me
questions, okay, and you say,look, you know.
Okay, I appreciate you knowyou're asking me questions, but
what can your business offer me?
Yeah, and the intervieweractually goes ah, ok, we've got
a great candidate here, becausethey're not just sitting there

(01:15:38):
waiting for me to direct this.
They want to be part of thedynamic.
So it's important to actuallyopen the door to conversation
and help generally men recognizewhat they are possibly going to
lose by not dating you.
Because you said you fancy theguy.

(01:15:58):
Yeah, you like the look of theguy.
It isn't just a case of yougoing up to him.
Rejection is going to happeneasily.
You need to be able to open adoor with a conversation, and
then you need to be able tocontinue that conversation with
something that he is going tofeel comfortable about gotcha?

Speaker 1 (01:16:15):
yeah, definitely.

Speaker 2 (01:16:16):
So that's where the strategy comes there's a lot of
layers, there's a lot of layers,and the strategy that comes
into it is quite important.
I mean, you know, it's not assimple as oh, he's a stilt
walker, that's a six, I'm a four, perfect, even if you, you can
explain, you can even show themthe app.
Okay, these are your traits,are they?

(01:16:37):
And he'll say oh, yeah, yeah,you know what that is me.
You're half selling therelationship, aren't you?
You're kind of look.
You know that's the selfie wherewe look together.
You know we look great togetherand all your friends are saying
on social media you look like acouple.
Do you know what I mean?

Speaker 1 (01:16:54):
Yes, I do.

Speaker 2 (01:16:56):
And I think it's important to have that
opportunity, especially as awoman.
I mean, bridget Jones wouldhave loved an app like this.

Speaker 1 (01:17:05):
No, I have not seen her show.
I've got to watch it?

Speaker 2 (01:17:09):
Oh, you haven't.
Is it like two or?
three or four, four came out.
So, yeah, you need to see.
Well, yeah, I mean, do you knowwhat I?
I?
I really I relate to it becausea lot of my clients relate to
bridget jones.
Yeah, because I coach mainlywomen and they're always saying,
look, I'm the one you know, I'mthe one at the wedding, not the

(01:17:31):
one getting married, or I'm theone that got married and got
divorced, or I'm the singlemother and I can't find a
partner that's, you know, worthyof me.
And the reality is be the bestversion of yourself.
Yes, and there are lots of waysto achieve that.
You know, don't accept nothingfor the sake of nothing, but be
the best version of yourself andyou will attract the best

(01:17:53):
version for you.
You know I agree, yeah.
I agree as a coach, um, peoplesay to me yeah, but you know I
don't want to be so full on andpushy and whatever you don't
have to be, you'll attract yourperfect partner by being their
perfect vision.

(01:18:13):
Whatever that vision is, ifthey're not worthy of you, then
you haven't lost anything, haveyou?

Speaker 1 (01:18:20):
nope, you haven't.
So even when you're going outdating and you plan another date
, you're still in that learningphase too.
So I always look at whatcommunication Can they
communicate, like we did when wewere just now meeting.

(01:18:41):
Has anything changed, you know?
And then maybe, knowing thatcharacteristic that they carry,
you know, I hate to say the whysand I just need to move that
along.
If it doesn't work, it does notwork.
Thank you, god, because youknow what.
You just stopped me frominvesting my time into somebody

(01:19:05):
who's not going to even care.
So that is a blessing and I'mgoing to take it as that.
So, but you know, a lot ofpeople do go through this.
Yeah, I do.

Speaker 2 (01:19:17):
Dating relationships are painful Not always, but
they're painful.
I've been there, I've beenheartbroken several times.
Luckily I'm still friends withseveral of my exes and I've
asked them the question questionand I've identified why it went
wrong.
And it's interesting because II can identify why we were
compatible to a certain extent,but I can also identify

(01:19:41):
absolutely why we went differentdirections yes now something
I'll give you.
I'm I'm going to give yousomething as a takeaway which is
important.
X's are an X for a reason.
Look forward to the upgrade.
Yes, you don't downgrade yourphone.

(01:20:03):
Always upgrade your X Upgradeit yeah.
Look at what you had.
Thank you very much.
Like you said, thank you, god.
Whatever I I had, however goodit was, it was good enough.
But now it's not good enough tobe there.
Listen, thankfully I've not beencheated on.
Thankfully I've not been um ina bad relationship where I had

(01:20:26):
to get out.
These are the properrelationships.
Yeah, you know the marriage andengagement relationships, uh,
where I felt I needed to getaway and to the point where I
hate my partner.
It's never been that way.
I've had a lot of respect.
We've broken up respectfully,but when you break up, you don't
upgrade because the otherperson was not good enough.

(01:20:46):
You upgrade because you lookforward to where you are going,
your, your journey of upgrading,yeah, yeah, exactly.
So you upgrade yourself toupgrade better, just like you do
with your phone.
You know you'd never go back toan iPhone 4 or Google 2 or 3,
whatever they used to be.
You know you'd never do that.
So why would you be in arelationship?
So just cut and move on.

(01:21:08):
Reminisce if you have to, butyou know what, when you find
yourself in that perfectrelationship for you, ultimately
you will look back and go.
I'm only here because of myprevious experiences and I would
never go back, and I'll giveyou a good one.
There's that story about theblue door and the red door.

(01:21:29):
Would you have the red doorwith the 10 million, 10 million
pounds or 10 million dollars reddoor?
Or would you have the blue doorand be 20, 20, be your 20 year
old self again, knowing what youknow now?
What would you do?
I would probably do be myselfback when I was younger,

(01:21:54):
honestly I know why because it'shuh because you haven't got to
that relationship that you ifyou had, if you had your perfect
relationship right this minute,you wouldn't go back.
You'd have your 20, I wouldtake the money hey, that's where
I am, so I'd have, I I've got.
You know, I'm not saying I'vegot, but I've got the 20 million
and I'm with my relationshipand my kids and I'm happy.

(01:22:17):
If you go back to your 20 yearold self, you haven't got your
daughter oh well yeah, you'rethinking about right, yeah so
what we want really is to be ourbest possible future, which is
more important.
I mean listen, if it looks like20, 30 years younger and you

(01:22:39):
know less wrinkles and whatever.
Why not?
But at the same time I don'twant to lose my family.

Speaker 1 (01:22:46):
Yeah, I hear you.

Speaker 2 (01:22:48):
Tony Robbins says experiences happen for you, not
to you.
Oh, I like that yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:22:53):
Um experiences happen for you, not to you.

Speaker 2 (01:22:54):
Oh, I like that, yeah , they happen for you.
It's a lesson.
So let's learn the lesson moveforward gracefully if you're a
woman, respectfully if you're aman.
Yeah, definitely, feminists.
That feisty feminine is.
It's not attractive.
Men don't like that feistyfemme.
I want you to be a gracefulfemale.
Yes, strong, yes, autonomousfor me anyway, but not feisty.

(01:23:17):
Stop with the middle finger andprofiles.

Speaker 1 (01:23:20):
Oh gosh yeah, that's not classy to me.

Speaker 2 (01:23:23):
Yeah, yeah, so we're gonna have to cut short because
I've got to be somewhere, but Iknow we'll tell people how they
can find you um for social mediawise and um, well, there, there
might be various links, but I'mAndreas dating coach, uh, on
Facebook and if you want to findout about the circus question,

(01:23:48):
the app, uh, you can follow thelink or you can find it.
The dash circus, dash questiondot passion dot io.
I think it's in the link, okayI love it okay circus question
app and it might come up at somepoint.

Speaker 1 (01:24:09):
Yay, well, I'll make this very quick.
Thank you for coming on to theshow.
Remember to find us atwwwkeephopealivepodcastcom.
On the website, there is asection for leave a message.
And you can leave him a message.
I'll give it to him.
We'll get that answered as soonas possible.
Wherever you find your podcast,you will be able to find Keep

(01:24:32):
Hope Alive.
Thank you for joining.
Until our next show, love andlight.
Bye-bye.