August 9, 2024 • 37 mins
High performers don’t just rely on talent—they train their minds for success. In this episode of Kick It Open, Dr. Ellen Reed, mental toughness expert and co-author of Relentless Solution Focus, shares the science behind rewiring your brain for confidence, resilience, and high achievement.
We dive into:
🧠 Breaking free from problem-centric thinking and replacing stress with solution-driven focus.
💡 Visualization techniques used by elite athletes—and how business leaders can apply them.
💪 Building unshakable self-confidence with simple, daily mental workouts.
Dr. Reed’s insights can help anyone—from athletes to advisors—develop a winning mindset and unlock their full potential.
00:00 Introduction and Welcome
01:39 Ellen's Journey to Mental Toughness
04:03 The Power of Visualization
09:36 Understanding Mental Toughness and Relentless Solution Focus
13:03 Overcoming Problem Centric Thought
25:58 Building Self-Confidence and Success
30:02 Practical Tools for Mental Training
34:16 Closing Thoughts and How to Connect
Schedule a discovery call with Shelby Nicholl: Zoom Scheduler
Produced by Shelby Nicholl.
Edited by Aaron Sherman.
Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!): https://uppbeat.io/t/ra/let-good-times-roll License code: EV5ON7Y3CSESDSEU
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Shelby Nicholl (01:32):
I am so excited to be joined by Dr Ellen Reed
today.
Welcome Ellen.
Thank you.
How did you become a mentaltoughness expert?
What was your personal journey?
Dr. Ellen Reed (01:43):
So when I was in graduate school, right before I
started graduate school, I metmy now colleague, Doctor Jason
Selk.
He was a co-author on RelentlessSolution Focus.
He's my mentor.
And I was so lucky to be, reallyin the right place at the right
time to meet him.
I was actually the danceinstructor at a gymnastics
center where he was volunteeringto coach the men's team on the
(02:08):
weekends.
And so it was right around thetime his business was really
about to take off because he wasstarting as the director of
sports psychology for the St.
Louis Cardinals.
And so that was really his bigkind of claim to fame, towards
the beginning of his career.
And so in the meantime, I wasstudying psychology, super
interested in human behavior andhuman cognition, starting my
(02:32):
professional dancing career atthat point.
And it just felt like theperfect kind of combination of
both of my loves.
And so I, throughout graduateschool, I started working with
him.
I was really able to have like afront row seat to these
fundamentals that he wasteaching at the highest level.
(02:52):
literally the St.
Louis Cardinals, the year hestarted working with the team,
went on to win the World Seriesfor the first time in over like
20 years.
Shelby Nicholl (03:01):
Oh, wow.
Dr. Ellen Reed (03:02):
And then when he was, oh my gosh.
Yeah.
And then when he was still withthe team, five years later, four
years later, they went on to winanother one.
So that was, really great againfor his career.
Really great for me, because he,as he started to get kind of
busier, then I would start to beable to take on some of the
younger athlete clients in thebeginning.
And then I got my doctorate.
(03:22):
I just continued on thatcoaching journey.
I used to start my day dancing.
and then I would rush either tomy office or home and throw on
my blazer, throw on my earringsand sit down to talk to client.
but, as my coaching career hasgrown and expanded.
I decided to retire from dancinga couple years ago to be able to
(03:43):
focus full time on coaching.
I think it was the combinationof, I loved two things that
really happened to really feedeach other in a really cool way.
and I just got really lucky.
Yeah.
I feel really lucky for that.
Shelby Nicholl (03:59):
Well, it's really amazing.
And I think it's interestingthat you talk about it as luck,
right?
I know visualization is superimportant in your work and
something that you talk about alot.
Did you use visualizationtechniques as you sort of began
that coaching career and thentransition to it full time?
Dr. Ellen Reed (04:16):
Yes.
Okay.
So I love that question because,as I met Jason again, I was just
about starting graduate school.
I was just kind of entering intomy professional dancing career.
but I really needed the stuffthat I learned from him and that
I now coach others on.
I was a very, high achieving, onpaper, everything was amazing.
(04:37):
but I was very stressed.
I was very stressed and anxious.
I was, the quintessentialperfectionist, which a lot of my
clients that I work with nowreally relate to.
it was to the point where.
every morning I would wake upbefore my eyes would even open,
my heart would be pounding outof my chest, just with my mind,
(05:01):
swirling with Okay, like, whatdo I have to do today?
did I get everything doneyesterday?
Did I do anything yesterday orsay anything that I regret?
how's my health?
How's my family?
Right?
Just that kind of laundry listof, like, anxiousness and
worries and stress that reallyjust felt so normal to me.
It's really the way I lived mylife and unfortunately, I talk
(05:21):
about this a lot.
It is normal You know that waythat I used to live and wake up
and feel with that stress andanxiety all the time is very
normal and Kind of adoptingthese fundamentals that I now
coach others on was such a gamechanger for me in my life.
(05:42):
and visualization is a huge partof that.
visualization is something thatI teach all of my clients,
whether it's an athlete, whetherit's a business professional,
anyone I'm working with,visualization is one of the
first things because it's justso impactful.
for somebody that's not superfamiliar with visualization or
hasn't done it.
But visualization has very realmeasurable effects.
(06:05):
And the empirical research onthis is very clear that it's
very impactful.
that's one of the things that Idid and continue to do,
throughout my entire career andI coach others on as well.
Shelby Nicholl (06:19):
Yeah, I really appreciated that when we spoke
before, but what is thedifference between.
Okay.
Like visualization, affirmation,manifestation.
Are they all really the samethings or are there some unique
differences that make maybevisualizing or scripting is
another word that is sort of outthere right now, too.
Are they all the same?
(06:39):
What, what's the one I should bedoing?
Dr. Ellen Reed (06:41):
So visualization, the reason that I
coach people on visualizationand it's so important is that
there's just so many benefitsfor so many different things.
So when I'm teaching someonewhat we call the mental workout,
again, this is something thatall my clients do, whether it's
an athlete, a businessprofessional.
Everybody does a daily mentalworkout and in that mental
(07:02):
workout is something called thepersonal highlight reel, which
is just the term that we use forthe visualization section.
Shelby Nicholl (07:10):
You can tell from sports.
Dr. Ellen Reed (07:12):
Exactly.
Exactly.
The highlight reel.
And so within the personalhighlight reel, we really focus
on two things.
The first of those things beingremembering past success.
And specifically we visualizepast success.
So we're literally rehearsing,remembering, visualizing times
(07:32):
that we have performed at ourbest in the past or just things
that we want to remember thatreally impact our self image and
self confidence in a positiveway.
For an athlete, that makes a lotof sense, right?
What are your top plays?
What are those plays that youwant to remind yourself of like,
hey, I did that.
The impact on self confidencethere is really huge.
(07:54):
Visualizing that and literallytaking yourself through that
kind of mental rehearsal in yourmind.
It's just so much more impactfulthan just, Oh yeah, I did that.
Oh yeah, I did that.
Oh yeah, I did that.
Right.
Just kind of like remindingyourself that you did it.
It makes these things stickier.
The thing about visualizationthat's so impactful and I think
(08:17):
really important for people toknow is that our brains don't do
a very good job telling thedifference between something
that we're visualizing andsomething that we're actually
experiencing.
So we can really use this to ouradvantage to a make things stick
really well to our self imageand our self confidence, but
(08:40):
also to really rehearse the waythat we want to perform in the
future.
And so that's the second pieceof that personal highlight reel
that all of my clients do iswhere we visualize, we imagine
ourselves performing the way wewant to perform in the future.
Again, for an athlete, that'skind of a no brainer, right?
(09:00):
Like, it makes a lot of sense.
See yourself hitting that homerun and having those, the exact
mechanics that you've beenworking on that you've been
practicing.
But where a lot of people, Ithink, are really missing out is
in the business world.
in the business world, we'rereally just very behind the
sports world in terms of theimportance of mental training.
(09:23):
There's no way that you'reperforming your potential if
you're not visualizing on aconsistent basis.
So we just pack it right therein the mental workout to be done
on a daily basis.
Shelby Nicholl (09:34):
So when you're talking about mental workout,
You and Doctor Jason Silk areexperts in mental toughness.
What are some other terms thatyou use for that sort of genre
of thought?
Dr. Ellen Reed (09:43):
Yeah, it's funny that you kind of bring up that
term because I think for a lotof people that really resonates,
and I think for a lot of people,it sounds kind of intimidating,
all it is, is the mind's abilityto stay focused on solutions,
especially in the face ofadversity.
That's all it is.
Another word for mentaltoughness is relentless solution
(10:04):
focus.
Relentless Solution Focus is themind's ability to stay focused
on solutions, especially in theface of adversity.
That's what we wrote a bookabout.
That's probably the number onemost important concept that we
teach, is that RelentlessSolution Focus.
In Relentless Solution Focus,mental toughness are essentially
just different terms foroptimism.
(10:27):
the research on optimism isclear that you probably have
heard that optimism is good,right?
It's good to be optimistic, butthe research on this is so
compelling that people withoptimism, people with this
relentless solution focus aresignificantly healthier,
happier, more successful.
(10:49):
They have better friendships,they sleep better.
They have significantly less ofa chance of getting almost every
major disease.
And so, Relentless SolutionFocus, what makes it a little
bit different is that it's a wayof teaching optimism.
I think we think of optimism asjust one of those things that
you either have or you don't,right?
(11:10):
It's like a, it's a charactertrait.
You either have higher levels ofit or less levels of it.
But that's just not the case.
Anybody can learn to become moreoptimistic.
It's a skill that we can teachjust like anything else.
Shelby Nicholl (11:24):
That is so interesting because you
definitely hear about peoplebeing more optimistic or less
optimistic, right?
They'll ask you, are you apessimist or an optimist, right?
It's like we categorizeourselves into one of those
boxes, but certainly it's aspectrum naturally.
And then what you're saying iswe can teach ourselves to slide
into the optimism side of thatscale and when we do that
(11:45):
teaching, we're going to havegreater Life outcomes, greater
health outcomes, just greaterhappiness.
It sounds like as well is, isthat the same as resiliency?
What's the difference withresiliency?
Dr. Ellen Reed (11:56):
Yeah, I think you could make an argument that
those are very similar at thevery least, just the mind's
ability to stay focused onsolutions, you know?
And I think that resiliencytakes.
Optimism, right?
You have to be able to know thatthere's a solution.
Otherwise, you're just not goingto keep going.
I get it.
So it's funny when I,
Shelby Nicholl (12:18):
when I heard your books title.
Originally, I was thinking, whatdoes this mean?
Relentless solution focus.
And I guess what you're reallysaying, and I'm just going to
play it back a little bit ofwhat you've said is that.
By focusing on the solution, youknow that there is a solution
and therefore you areoptimistic.
Yes.
Dr. Ellen Reed (12:33):
Yes.
Shelby Nicholl (12:34):
It's not just that you're happy or optimistic
for optimism's sake, but it'sbecause you know that there is
an underlying solution that willsolve whatever that is the
challenge that you are facing inyour life.
Dr. Ellen Reed (12:45):
Yes.
This isn't just like putting onrose colored glasses, you know,
and, and I think that there'sbeen the term like toxic
positivity.
That's been kind of a buzz topicfor a while.
it's not just putting your headin the clouds and just kind of
la di da your way through life.
Right.
And this is about forcing yourthoughts, training your brain to
(13:09):
focus on what's one thing I cando in this situation that could
make it better.
And if you think about it froman evolutionary perspective, we
talk about this a lot in thebook, but I think it's really
important to kind of have thisfoundation for the way our
brains work.
We have something called problemcentric thought as humans, where
our brains really want to focusin on the problem or our
(13:32):
shortcomings.
First and foremost, it's justthe way we're designed.
It's the way we're wired.
In terms of our evolutionaryhistory, it was really important
because we needed to be reallyquick at spotting the threat.
But now, we live in a time thatis statistically the safest time
to be alive.
And so that problem centricthought that was really
(13:52):
important for us as a speciesnow kind of makes us miserable
if you think about, your last 24hours and just think about how
many times some self doubt oryour shortcomings.
Or the problems in your life, orwhat could potentially go wrong.
(14:13):
How often those kinds ofthoughts consumed your thoughts.
And, most people when theyreflect on that, it's really
quite staggering.
but It's very normal to focus onproblems.
So if, you're the kind of personwho does 99 things right in a
day and one thing less thanperfectly.
(14:33):
You're not broken, you'renormal.
But again, normal in this caseis a really bad thing.
Just like the way I used to wakeup every morning.
Yes, it was normal.
But these days, unfortunately,happiness isn't normal.
optimism isn't normal.
Self confidence isn't normal.
(14:54):
What's normal really is to livelife in a way where you're
experiencing, really highstress, high anxiety, and it
really, has its roots in thatproblem centric thought.
And so relentless solutionfocus, optimism, It's
essentially the opposite of PCT.
It's the opposite of problemcentric thought.
(15:15):
Whereas our brain wants to focuson the problem.
Now when we're over herethinking about the problem, What
actually is the bigger problemis that our bodies are then
releasing all of the stresshormones cortisol
Shelby Nicholl (15:28):
Yes.
Dr. Ellen Reed (15:29):
This is why that research on like the biological
impact of Optimism are socompelling that when you're
stressed out of it all the timebecause of that PCT, that
problem centric thought, youhave literally like low dose
poison coursing through yourveins all the time.
Cortisol at lower doses isreally important for our
(15:52):
motivations and like bodyfunction, things like that.
But most of us are walkingaround with way too much of it,
which is why that optimism kindof the opposite of that
excessive cortisol release.
Has such an impact on ourlongevity and on our health, but
in order to get our brains offthat problem side of things, in
(16:14):
order to get our brains awayfrom that PCT, which again is so
normal to us, we have to replaceit with something.
Shelby Nicholl (16:22):
Yeah.
I want to dial in on thatbecause so you're saying we have
problem centric thought.
Our thoughts are going to berunning all the time.
We have to replace it withsomething.
Yes.
I think that is such.
A an aha for me, and I'm sure itwill be for, for others that are
listening as well.
It's you have to replace theproblem centric thought, cause
you can't turn off the thinking.
Dr. Ellen Reed (16:42):
Exactly.
Exactly.
You can't turn it off.
And I think that we've all triedthat, right?
We've tried to be like, just letit go.
if you, you strike, justmeditate, think of nothing.
Yeah.
Don't just blow it up, brush itoff.
Right.
Don't think about it.
But you know, this is, I feellike the best example of this is
that, when you tell yourself Tonot think about something, it's
literally just like putting ahighlighter over it and making
(17:04):
you think about it more.
it's like the, I think the bestway to demonstrate this is to
just tell yourself right now,don't think about a pink
elephant.
Shelby Nicholl (17:11):
Right.
Dr. Ellen Reed (17:12):
You know, telling yourself not to think
about that pink elephant ismaking you think about it more.
Yes, so we know we don't want tothink this stuff because it's
literally making us sick, makingus stressed out.
It's making us unhappy, makingus miserable at a species, which
is unfortunately just becomevery normal for us.
So we've got to replace it withsomething else.
(17:33):
We've got to use this conceptcalled thought replacement.
So we replace problem centricthought with a question.
Now, this question is, called aRelentless Solution Focus Tool,
and this tool comes in the formof a question.
I think if anybody listening tothis takes one thing from this
podcast, I want it to be thisquestion.
(17:54):
The question is, what's onething I can do that could make
this better?
What's one thing I can do thatcould make this better?
That's the RSF tool question.
Now, this question is how youreplace PCT with RSF.
Because the reason that thisquestion is so important is
(18:14):
because you're going to go outthere and you're going to start
trying to be more positivehopefully I've compelled you to,
to understand or like to, tothink about like, okay, I want
to start being more positive.
I want to start being moreoptimistic.
And then you're going to get outthere and you're going to
experience that next problem,right?
You're going to get the callfrom your kid's principal or,
whatever else it is that comesat us hard and fast as mom's.
(18:37):
And It's going to be way harderthan you think it is, right?
Because your brain's going towant to swirl with all the
things that could potentially gowrong.
The reason this question, what'sone thing I can do that could
make this better.
Is so impactful is becausethere's this thing that happens
in our brain when we're asked aquestion called instinctive
(18:58):
elaboration and instinctiveelaboration just basically
refers to the fact that whenwe're asked a question, our
brains cannot help but onlythink about the answer to that
question.
It kind of turns off everythingelse so that our brain, our
whole brain lights up like whenyou look at it on an MRI when
somebody is asked a question,the whole brain lights up
(19:19):
because it's thinking aboutpotential answers to that
question and again in asituation like when we're
experiencing a problem, it's areally good thing to turn off
all of our thinking about thepotential problem and that PCT
tornado that really wants tostart swirling by forcing it to
think about potential solutions.
It's one thing I can do thatcould make this better.
Shelby Nicholl (19:42):
What a powerful tool.
I'm thinking about some of thewomen that I know, right?
They might be corporate leadersor their financial advisors,
right?
And they are interacting all thetime with stressful situations.
Most of us, you know, Idefinitely am waking up with
that list that you mentioned atthe beginning.
I'm sure my, my cortisol levelsare off the chart higher than
(20:04):
they should be.
and it's so interesting though,that you're just retraining the
brain to ask this one questioninstead of focusing on the
problem, we're going to focus onthe, what is the one thing I
could do to make this better?
Dr. Ellen Reed (20:15):
Yeah, but I love I love the way you said that in
terms of retraining the brainbecause that's exactly what we
have to do.
Right?
So that's why this mentalworkout piece is so important
because, you know, can't just bea pep talk, right?
Our remember our brains arewired to not be good at that.
And so in order to literallychange our wiring, and that's
(20:36):
what we do, that's what we workon.
Now my normal is very differentthan it was 20 years ago, right?
Because I've trained my brain ona daily basis, and I continue
to.
It's just like any muscle,right?
If you stop lifting your weight,your muscles are going to
atrophy.
Our brains have this thingcalled neuroplasticity, which
I'm sure that you've heard of.
Neuroplasticity really anamazing thing because it's the
(20:59):
brain's ability to mold andrewire itself through training.
So, people like to kind of throwout there like, well, I'm just
not a morning person, or I'venever like followed through with
stuff, or I always start a newhabit and I get going on it.
And then I always let it fall bythe wayside or, I've just never
been good at this, or I'vealways been bad at that.
Right?
The fact of the matter is, youmay have always been bad at
(21:20):
that, but that doesn't have tobe the case going forward
because of neuroplasticity.
We train our brain to wire in acertain way.
it's going to continue to wirein a certain way and it's going
to strengthen those connections.
So every time you replace thatproblem centric thought with
that RSF question, what's onething I can do that could make
(21:42):
this better?
You're strengthening thatconnection.
So over time, it's going tobecome easier to For your brain
to default to that question.
Shelby Nicholl (21:51):
It's so interesting.
You've been teaching this for solong.
Does your brain justautomatically go there?
Dr. Ellen Reed (21:57):
Yes and no.
Right.
I think my baseline is in termsof like an RSF level, right?
My baseline is much higher, buthigher doesn't mean perfect.
I've got two little boys and Italk about this in the book,
but, you know, there was a time,especially when I became a new
mom, the first couple of yearsof my oldest son's life, I'd
(22:17):
really let myself fall back offtrack, you know, I'd had a good,
number of years where I was likesailing through this RSF thing,
and I was coaching people on itevery day and, doing my tools,
doing my mental workout.
And when I became a mom, I kindof stopped doing the tools.
I think I just got busy and Ijust kind of used it as an
excuse.
And you know how it is like ifyou miss a workout one day it
(22:39):
becomes easier to miss it thenext, which then makes it easier
to miss it the next.
So I'd fallen off track with mymental workout, my success log,
which is another thing that weteach.
And I just let myself fall intothat narrative of, being a mom
is just stressful.
Mom's just worried that's justpart of being a mom, and people
would like, don't worry aboutthe fact that you're worried
about them.
You're going to worry about yourkids for as long as you're
(23:01):
alive.
Shelby Nicholl (23:01):
And it's a badge of honor.
It is, it is,
Dr. Ellen Reed (23:05):
it is terrible.
And so it is.
And I just kind of let myselffall into that.
And I remember the moment when Ikind of recognized that I was
off track and it was reallysobering because again, I was
teaching this stuff every day,you know, and I was not taking
my own medicine, so to speak.
And I remember it was bath timeand my son was probably like two
(23:29):
and I remember I was like on myphone, checking emails, texting
people, just kind of like, youknow, how it was like, felt
pretty normal to me to just belike thinking about work and.
Thinking about my next show orwhatever.
And I just remember in thatmoment being like, Crap.
I don't remember the last timeI've done my mental workout.
that familiar feeling of like myheart pounding out of my chest,
(23:51):
right.
When I woke up, had returned.
And I just remember thinkinglike, okay, this is supposed to
be like one of the happiesttimes in my life and I feel
stressed and I don't know thatI'm fully enjoying it.
And, when I reminded myself oflike my purpose, that's
something that we always talkabout with new clients and like
got back on track with my mentaltraining, things started to fall
(24:12):
back in place.
But, I tell that story to makethe point that, again, just like
lifting the weights in the gym,you know, if you stop lifting
the weights, your muscles aregoing to get weaker.
And so this is something that,yes, like, my normal is very
different than it was before,but it's still something that I
have to work on every day.
(24:33):
And there's still times where Ilose that battle against PCT,
but the key about this, is thatI know that I'm at least going
to lose that battle better thanhad I not fought it.
You know, RSF doesn't protectyou from life's problems.
You know, you're still going toget that call from your kid's
school, right?
(24:53):
You're still going to get thatjolt, right?
As a mom, like that jolt ofanxiety, But what it is going to
do, Is it's going to give youthe confidence to know that
whatever the problem is justgoing to kick it in its ass,
right?
Like my older son is eight andwe, you know, we had a pretty
hard year in second grade and, Ihad to give myself a lot of,
(25:17):
talking to's right.
A lot of kind of like pep talksisn't necessarily the word I
want to use, but just remindingmyself that like, Hey.
You know, this is hard, but Ican do this and you know, I
don't need to worry about thefuture because I know whatever
comes, we are just going to kickit in the rear.
And that confidence comes fromthat relentless solution focus.
(25:37):
I don't know what the solutionis, but I know there is one.
And I know I'm going to find itbecause I'm going to be
relentless about finding it.
Shelby Nicholl (25:45):
That's super interesting, and I love that
relentless word.
It's a, I just, it's apersistence.
It's an in the optimism that isall kind of wound up into those
3 words.
I know that those were pickedwith such intention.
I can only imagine the list ofwords that you all had been
considering over time and one ofthe things you talk a lot about
too, is self confidence and I'mworking with a lot of women in
(26:07):
particular, right?
Women in a very male dominatedindustry.
why is self confidence kind ofso important and how do we
create it within ourselves?
I guess that, that RSF questioncan help us even in our self
confidence.
Dr. Ellen Reed (26:20):
Totally.
But, you know, I think you'reright on with your question and
that yes, self confidence is soimportant.
In fact, it's the mostimportant.
It's the number one variable forall human performance.
So almost everything that I doas a coach and everything that I
learned from Jason in terms ofcoaching and what's important to
focus on runs through thatfilter of self confidence and
(26:42):
Jason said it like this.
And I just this is so impactfulto me.
That again.
The research shows that selfconfidence is the number one
thing that's going to impact howyou're going to perform.
So why does it make sense tofocus on anything else above
self confidence, right?
And so that's one of thosethings like when we're
visualizing that RSF question,we talk a lot about in the
mental workout with likedifferent forms of self talk.
(27:05):
We teach something called anidentity statement, something
called a performance statementfor athletes, all things that
are designed to help feed thatself confidence.
Mhm.
Because again, remember PCT,problem centric thought, makes
us really good at being expertsat what we're bad at.
And so, we have to actively workon self confidence, and we do
(27:26):
that, with a really specifictool called the Success Blog.
I do it every day.
My clients do it every day.
It takes about a minute andwe've got to be doing this
training every single day andyou're right in your industry,
you know, working with women,when I've asked some of my,
highly successful femaleclients, you know, what has been
(27:48):
the number one obstacle in yourcareer?
The number one answer I'vegotten has been self-doubt Hmm
that that self doubt has beenthe biggest obstacle for them in
their career.
you know, we're taught to behumble beyond the effects of
that problem centric thought.
We're also taught to be humble.
combine that with being reallygood at focusing on what we
(28:11):
messed up, right?
It's a recipe for really lowself confidence.
And so, you know, that's numberone.
Shelby Nicholl (28:18):
I talk a lot about that in, in my blogs and
writings too, in that, I canremember of course, like
everyone, right?
Growing up in households, beingtaught to be humble, not to have
an ego.
I can remember, my grandfathersaying things like, Oh, you got
all A's.
Well, don't get a big head aboutit, you know, as if that was
actually really possible given,who I am as a person.
(28:39):
Sure.
Yeah.
But it really sticks with youand then you have to overcome it
as an adult and deal with sortof double bind and different
standards for women and all ofthe things that we work with and
deal with.
It's really easy to have suchhigh doubt and to, really have
to work on that self confidence.
You know, we, it also shows upin, in corporate world as
(29:00):
executive presence.
It shows up as leadershippresence.
Um, yeah,
Dr. Ellen Reed (29:05):
yeah.
Well, and One of the things thatI feel like I'm in a unique
position, with what I do andlike who I work with to know
about, you know, because thepeople I work with are typically
very high achieving and.
They all struggle with it.
Right?
Like, and I, you know, I, I getmessages, I get calls, I get
emails from people that onpaper, no one would ever think
(29:29):
that they struggle with selfconfidence and that self
confidence, that perfectionistmentality, that imposter
syndrome is just so normal andcommon.
And it all starts with workingon that self confidence.
It's really actually very simpleto fix, or to work on, you know,
and I think that that's the goodnews.
I feel like I've told a lot ofbad news today, but this stuff
(29:51):
is actually very simple to fix.
It's very simple.
It's not complicated.
It just takes consistency, Iwant people to walk away from
today with that RSF question ofwhat's one thing I can do that
could make this better.
But in Relentless SolutionFocus, we walk you through
really simple tools, that RSFtool being one of them, to
really work on this stuff.
And it takes like three minutesa day.
(30:13):
You know, this tool called theSuccess Blog, and I'll tell you
the first question of it, justvery simply, write down three
things you did well in the last24 hours.
It takes 30 seconds.
But if you get in the habit ofwriting down three things you
did well in the last 24 hours,that's a really great starting
point to fostering that selfconfidence.
(30:33):
It's so simple.
We just don't do it.
But if you start doing thesethings consistently, you're
going to start to see reallypositive results pretty quickly.
Shelby Nicholl (30:43):
It's super interesting.
And when you're seeingconsistency, you're meaning
every day.
That's really what it is.
Weekends too?
Dr. Ellen Reed (30:50):
Say, well, I would say maybe like four or
five days a week, you know, Iprobably, I do my mental workout
and success log probably fivedays a week.
for a lot of things, I kind offeel like doing something five
days a week is easier than doingit three.
Yeah, um, just because you kindof build up that consistency in
your routine.
Um, but if you're doing it, youknow, less than three, four days
(31:10):
a week, I think you're reallymissing out on a lot of the
positive effects.
But again, it takes the mentalworkout plus the success blog
tool that we teach in totaltakes about three minutes.
that three minutes is going tomake the rest of your day, your
productivity.
Yeah.
All the things so much moreimpactful.
And so it's really worth theinvestment of those three
(31:31):
minutes, which is hard to give,right?
Three minutes.
Sounds like not that big of adeal, but it's hard to commit
to.
It's hard to get in the routineof doing it.
but I like when my clients getto the point where they wouldn't
even think about starting theirday without doing their mental
workout.
Shelby Nicholl (31:46):
Yeah.
So you always do it.
Prefer to do it at the start.
Dr. Ellen Reed (31:51):
Um, well that's a good question.
That's one I, that's a questionI often get.
Especially for, from highachievers who like to make sure
they're doing it exactly right.
Right?
Yes.
Which like, that's a, totally aquestion I would ask too.
Um, but the, the right time todo it is just whenever you'll do
it consistently.
if I'm working with an athlete,I would want him doing it, their
mental workout, like withinmaybe an hour before a game or
(32:14):
practice or performance.
I do have athletes that it worksbetter for them to do it right
before bed.
and I do have athletes that itworks better for them to do it,
like right when they wake up inthe morning.
It's so much more important thatyou'll do it at a time where
you'll do it consistently.
Then to do it at the perfecttime.
So while that perfect time mightbe, you know, right before you
start your day, if you know thatyou're going to get into the
(32:36):
office and people are going tobe coming at you immediately,
that's going to give it a highlikelihood that you won't be
able to do it, then do it atnight before bed or do it like
in the morning when you'remaking your coffee.
Shelby Nicholl (32:47):
Yeah, yeah, I think that's really interesting
to pick the right time based onwhen you're going to be able to
give it the focus.
That's what I'm hearing.
Dr. Ellen Reed (32:54):
Yes, exactly.
Shelby Nicholl (32:56):
But I also think it's so interesting, and it's
starting to happen in businessis with high performers,
believing and treatingthemselves as athletes.
And I think pushing yourselfthrough those mental workouts as
you've described here today,having some consistency about
your routine, putting your bodyfirst, moving your body, et
cetera, are all things thatobviously athletes do, but so do
(33:17):
high performers.
Dr. Ellen Reed (33:19):
Totally.
And you know, it's funny becauseI work with business
professionals.
I work with Olympic athletes,professional athletes.
I work with college athletes,high school kids.
I work with like, I think myyoungest client is like eight.
But you know, the interestingthing is that the approach is
not that different.
(33:40):
The things that I'm hearing frommy Olympic athletes are the same
things that I'm hearing from my12 year olds, or my business
professionals for that matter.
these fundamentals ofperformance and of high
performance and of selfconfidence and optimism,
relentless solution focus arevery universal.
(34:00):
Is that something that might besurprising to people?
Shelby Nicholl (34:04):
It is surprising.
I definitely would have thoughtthere would be some, some
scaling differences between, youknow, an Olympic athlete and a,
and a high performing, butyounger athlete as well.
It's, it's super interesting.
I think you've given us so muchto think about.
I want to just close out with,with asking you how, how can
people find you?
How do you engage with clients?
(34:24):
what are some ways for people tolearn more?
Dr. Ellen Reed (34:27):
So, um, you can always email me.
It's just Ellen at Jason selfdot com.
but I'm on Instagram.
I try to post a lot of value onInstagram.
even I've been kind of surprisedwith how much people are
resonating with this.
Like perfectionist mentality.
And so I really feel like it's agreat way for me to get
information and help and valueout to a lot of people.
(34:50):
So I'm just Dr.
Ellen Reed on Instagram, Dr.
Ellen Reed.
another really great way to getaccess to these fundamentals,
The really cost effective way isI do these workshops every once
in a while and I do have onecoming up.
But it's going to be recordedand so you should be able to
grab it at any time.
but we really set the foundationfor this, these fundamentals and
(35:14):
we start with some goal settingand purpose and big questions.
And we really nail it down tosome really specific concrete
tools.
So that's a great way if you'rereally looking for kind of that
coaching experience beyondreading Relentless Solution
Focus, or I'm available forcoaching.
So, you know, email me, find meon Instagram.
(35:36):
I love to hear from you, youknow, if you've started
implementing some of these toolsand, you know, are loving the
results or if you havequestions, you know, I really
try hard not to gatekeep thisstuff.
Shelby Nicholl (35:47):
That's great.
Dr. Ellen Reed (35:47):
Don't hesitate with questions.
Shelby Nicholl (35:49):
That is great.
I am so grateful for thisconversation.
I will link to your Instagramlink to your book all within the
show notes, link out to yourwebsite as well.
So people can find those.
This has just been a lovelyconversation, Ellen, and I am so
grateful to know you and sograteful for you to have shared
these tools with our audience.
Thank you so much.
Dr. Ellen Reed (36:08):
Thank you.
And thank you for all you do.
It's so valuable to havesomebody in your position, you
know, advocating for the stuffthat women need.
Um, and so really thanks for allyou do as well.
Shelby Nicholl (36:21):
Oh, thank you.
I am so excited to be joined by Dr Ellen Reed
today.
Welcome Ellen.
Thank you.
How did you become a mentaltoughness expert?
What was your personal journey?
Dr. Ellen Reed (01:43):
So when I was in graduate school, right before I
started graduate school, I metmy now colleague, Doctor Jason
Selk.
He was a co-author on RelentlessSolution Focus.
He's my mentor.
And I was so lucky to be, reallyin the right place at the right
time to meet him.
I was actually the danceinstructor at a gymnastics
center where he was volunteeringto coach the men's team on the
(02:08):
weekends.
And so it was right around thetime his business was really
about to take off because he wasstarting as the director of
sports psychology for the St.
Louis Cardinals.
And so that was really his bigkind of claim to fame, towards
the beginning of his career.
And so in the meantime, I wasstudying psychology, super
interested in human behavior andhuman cognition, starting my
(02:32):
professional dancing career atthat point.
And it just felt like theperfect kind of combination of
both of my loves.
And so I, throughout graduateschool, I started working with
him.
I was really able to have like afront row seat to these
fundamentals that he wasteaching at the highest level.
(02:52):
literally the St.
Louis Cardinals, the year hestarted working with the team,
went on to win the World Seriesfor the first time in over like
20 years.
Shelby Nicholl (03:01):
Oh, wow.
Dr. Ellen Reed (03:02):
And then when he was, oh my gosh.
Yeah.
And then when he was still withthe team, five years later, four
years later, they went on to winanother one.
So that was, really great againfor his career.
Really great for me, because he,as he started to get kind of
busier, then I would start to beable to take on some of the
younger athlete clients in thebeginning.
And then I got my doctorate.
(03:22):
I just continued on thatcoaching journey.
I used to start my day dancing.
and then I would rush either tomy office or home and throw on
my blazer, throw on my earringsand sit down to talk to client.
but, as my coaching career hasgrown and expanded.
I decided to retire from dancinga couple years ago to be able to
(03:43):
focus full time on coaching.
I think it was the combinationof, I loved two things that
really happened to really feedeach other in a really cool way.
and I just got really lucky.
Yeah.
I feel really lucky for that.
Shelby Nicholl (03:59):
Well, it's really amazing.
And I think it's interestingthat you talk about it as luck,
right?
I know visualization is superimportant in your work and
something that you talk about alot.
Did you use visualizationtechniques as you sort of began
that coaching career and thentransition to it full time?
Dr. Ellen Reed (04:16):
Yes.
Okay.
So I love that question because,as I met Jason again, I was just
about starting graduate school.
I was just kind of entering intomy professional dancing career.
but I really needed the stuffthat I learned from him and that
I now coach others on.
I was a very, high achieving, onpaper, everything was amazing.
(04:37):
but I was very stressed.
I was very stressed and anxious.
I was, the quintessentialperfectionist, which a lot of my
clients that I work with nowreally relate to.
it was to the point where.
every morning I would wake upbefore my eyes would even open,
my heart would be pounding outof my chest, just with my mind,
(05:01):
swirling with Okay, like, whatdo I have to do today?
did I get everything doneyesterday?
Did I do anything yesterday orsay anything that I regret?
how's my health?
How's my family?
Right?
Just that kind of laundry listof, like, anxiousness and
worries and stress that reallyjust felt so normal to me.
It's really the way I lived mylife and unfortunately, I talk
(05:21):
about this a lot.
It is normal You know that waythat I used to live and wake up
and feel with that stress andanxiety all the time is very
normal and Kind of adoptingthese fundamentals that I now
coach others on was such a gamechanger for me in my life.
(05:42):
and visualization is a huge partof that.
visualization is something thatI teach all of my clients,
whether it's an athlete, whetherit's a business professional,
anyone I'm working with,visualization is one of the
first things because it's justso impactful.
for somebody that's not superfamiliar with visualization or
hasn't done it.
But visualization has very realmeasurable effects.
(06:05):
And the empirical research onthis is very clear that it's
very impactful.
that's one of the things that Idid and continue to do,
throughout my entire career andI coach others on as well.
Shelby Nicholl (06:19):
Yeah, I really appreciated that when we spoke
before, but what is thedifference between.
Okay.
Like visualization, affirmation,manifestation.
Are they all really the samethings or are there some unique
differences that make maybevisualizing or scripting is
another word that is sort of outthere right now, too.
Are they all the same?
(06:39):
What, what's the one I should bedoing?
Dr. Ellen Reed (06:41):
So visualization, the reason that I
coach people on visualizationand it's so important is that
there's just so many benefitsfor so many different things.
So when I'm teaching someonewhat we call the mental workout,
again, this is something thatall my clients do, whether it's
an athlete, a businessprofessional.
Everybody does a daily mentalworkout and in that mental
(07:02):
workout is something called thepersonal highlight reel, which
is just the term that we use forthe visualization section.
Shelby Nicholl (07:10):
You can tell from sports.
Dr. Ellen Reed (07:12):
Exactly.
Exactly.
The highlight reel.
And so within the personalhighlight reel, we really focus
on two things.
The first of those things beingremembering past success.
And specifically we visualizepast success.
So we're literally rehearsing,remembering, visualizing times
(07:32):
that we have performed at ourbest in the past or just things
that we want to remember thatreally impact our self image and
self confidence in a positiveway.
For an athlete, that makes a lotof sense, right?
What are your top plays?
What are those plays that youwant to remind yourself of like,
hey, I did that.
The impact on self confidencethere is really huge.
(07:54):
Visualizing that and literallytaking yourself through that
kind of mental rehearsal in yourmind.
It's just so much more impactfulthan just, Oh yeah, I did that.
Oh yeah, I did that.
Oh yeah, I did that.
Right.
Just kind of like remindingyourself that you did it.
It makes these things stickier.
The thing about visualizationthat's so impactful and I think
(08:17):
really important for people toknow is that our brains don't do
a very good job telling thedifference between something
that we're visualizing andsomething that we're actually
experiencing.
So we can really use this to ouradvantage to a make things stick
really well to our self imageand our self confidence, but
(08:40):
also to really rehearse the waythat we want to perform in the
future.
And so that's the second pieceof that personal highlight reel
that all of my clients do iswhere we visualize, we imagine
ourselves performing the way wewant to perform in the future.
Again, for an athlete, that'skind of a no brainer, right?
(09:00):
Like, it makes a lot of sense.
See yourself hitting that homerun and having those, the exact
mechanics that you've beenworking on that you've been
practicing.
But where a lot of people, Ithink, are really missing out is
in the business world.
in the business world, we'rereally just very behind the
sports world in terms of theimportance of mental training.
(09:23):
There's no way that you'reperforming your potential if
you're not visualizing on aconsistent basis.
So we just pack it right therein the mental workout to be done
on a daily basis.
Shelby Nicholl (09:34):
So when you're talking about mental workout,
You and Doctor Jason Silk areexperts in mental toughness.
What are some other terms thatyou use for that sort of genre
of thought?
Dr. Ellen Reed (09:43):
Yeah, it's funny that you kind of bring up that
term because I think for a lotof people that really resonates,
and I think for a lot of people,it sounds kind of intimidating,
all it is, is the mind's abilityto stay focused on solutions,
especially in the face ofadversity.
That's all it is.
Another word for mentaltoughness is relentless solution
(10:04):
focus.
Relentless Solution Focus is themind's ability to stay focused
on solutions, especially in theface of adversity.
That's what we wrote a bookabout.
That's probably the number onemost important concept that we
teach, is that RelentlessSolution Focus.
In Relentless Solution Focus,mental toughness are essentially
just different terms foroptimism.
(10:27):
the research on optimism isclear that you probably have
heard that optimism is good,right?
It's good to be optimistic, butthe research on this is so
compelling that people withoptimism, people with this
relentless solution focus aresignificantly healthier,
happier, more successful.
(10:49):
They have better friendships,they sleep better.
They have significantly less ofa chance of getting almost every
major disease.
And so, Relentless SolutionFocus, what makes it a little
bit different is that it's a wayof teaching optimism.
I think we think of optimism asjust one of those things that
you either have or you don't,right?
(11:10):
It's like a, it's a charactertrait.
You either have higher levels ofit or less levels of it.
But that's just not the case.
Anybody can learn to become moreoptimistic.
It's a skill that we can teachjust like anything else.
Shelby Nicholl (11:24):
That is so interesting because you
definitely hear about peoplebeing more optimistic or less
optimistic, right?
They'll ask you, are you apessimist or an optimist, right?
It's like we categorizeourselves into one of those
boxes, but certainly it's aspectrum naturally.
And then what you're saying iswe can teach ourselves to slide
into the optimism side of thatscale and when we do that
(11:45):
teaching, we're going to havegreater Life outcomes, greater
health outcomes, just greaterhappiness.
It sounds like as well is, isthat the same as resiliency?
What's the difference withresiliency?
Dr. Ellen Reed (11:56):
Yeah, I think you could make an argument that
those are very similar at thevery least, just the mind's
ability to stay focused onsolutions, you know?
And I think that resiliencytakes.
Optimism, right?
You have to be able to know thatthere's a solution.
Otherwise, you're just not goingto keep going.
I get it.
So it's funny when I,
Shelby Nicholl (12:18):
when I heard your books title.
Originally, I was thinking, whatdoes this mean?
Relentless solution focus.
And I guess what you're reallysaying, and I'm just going to
play it back a little bit ofwhat you've said is that.
By focusing on the solution, youknow that there is a solution
and therefore you areoptimistic.
Yes.
Dr. Ellen Reed (12:33):
Yes.
Shelby Nicholl (12:34):
It's not just that you're happy or optimistic
for optimism's sake, but it'sbecause you know that there is
an underlying solution that willsolve whatever that is the
challenge that you are facing inyour life.
Dr. Ellen Reed (12:45):
Yes.
This isn't just like putting onrose colored glasses, you know,
and, and I think that there'sbeen the term like toxic
positivity.
That's been kind of a buzz topicfor a while.
it's not just putting your headin the clouds and just kind of
la di da your way through life.
Right.
And this is about forcing yourthoughts, training your brain to
(13:09):
focus on what's one thing I cando in this situation that could
make it better.
And if you think about it froman evolutionary perspective, we
talk about this a lot in thebook, but I think it's really
important to kind of have thisfoundation for the way our
brains work.
We have something called problemcentric thought as humans, where
our brains really want to focusin on the problem or our
(13:32):
shortcomings.
First and foremost, it's justthe way we're designed.
It's the way we're wired.
In terms of our evolutionaryhistory, it was really important
because we needed to be reallyquick at spotting the threat.
But now, we live in a time thatis statistically the safest time
to be alive.
And so that problem centricthought that was really
(13:52):
important for us as a speciesnow kind of makes us miserable
if you think about, your last 24hours and just think about how
many times some self doubt oryour shortcomings.
Or the problems in your life, orwhat could potentially go wrong.
(14:13):
How often those kinds ofthoughts consumed your thoughts.
And, most people when theyreflect on that, it's really
quite staggering.
but It's very normal to focus onproblems.
So if, you're the kind of personwho does 99 things right in a
day and one thing less thanperfectly.
(14:33):
You're not broken, you'renormal.
But again, normal in this caseis a really bad thing.
Just like the way I used to wakeup every morning.
Yes, it was normal.
But these days, unfortunately,happiness isn't normal.
optimism isn't normal.
Self confidence isn't normal.
(14:54):
What's normal really is to livelife in a way where you're
experiencing, really highstress, high anxiety, and it
really, has its roots in thatproblem centric thought.
And so relentless solutionfocus, optimism, It's
essentially the opposite of PCT.
It's the opposite of problemcentric thought.
(15:15):
Whereas our brain wants to focuson the problem.
Now when we're over herethinking about the problem, What
actually is the bigger problemis that our bodies are then
releasing all of the stresshormones cortisol
Shelby Nicholl (15:28):
Yes.
Dr. Ellen Reed (15:29):
This is why that research on like the biological
impact of Optimism are socompelling that when you're
stressed out of it all the timebecause of that PCT, that
problem centric thought, youhave literally like low dose
poison coursing through yourveins all the time.
Cortisol at lower doses isreally important for our
(15:52):
motivations and like bodyfunction, things like that.
But most of us are walkingaround with way too much of it,
which is why that optimism kindof the opposite of that
excessive cortisol release.
Has such an impact on ourlongevity and on our health, but
in order to get our brains offthat problem side of things, in
(16:14):
order to get our brains awayfrom that PCT, which again is so
normal to us, we have to replaceit with something.
Shelby Nicholl (16:22):
Yeah.
I want to dial in on thatbecause so you're saying we have
problem centric thought.
Our thoughts are going to berunning all the time.
We have to replace it withsomething.
Yes.
I think that is such.
A an aha for me, and I'm sure itwill be for, for others that are
listening as well.
It's you have to replace theproblem centric thought, cause
you can't turn off the thinking.
Dr. Ellen Reed (16:42):
Exactly.
Exactly.
You can't turn it off.
And I think that we've all triedthat, right?
We've tried to be like, just letit go.
if you, you strike, justmeditate, think of nothing.
Yeah.
Don't just blow it up, brush itoff.
Right.
Don't think about it.
But you know, this is, I feellike the best example of this is
that, when you tell yourself Tonot think about something, it's
literally just like putting ahighlighter over it and making
(17:04):
you think about it more.
it's like the, I think the bestway to demonstrate this is to
just tell yourself right now,don't think about a pink
elephant.
Shelby Nicholl (17:11):
Right.
Dr. Ellen Reed (17:12):
You know, telling yourself not to think
about that pink elephant ismaking you think about it more.
Yes, so we know we don't want tothink this stuff because it's
literally making us sick, makingus stressed out.
It's making us unhappy, makingus miserable at a species, which
is unfortunately just becomevery normal for us.
So we've got to replace it withsomething else.
(17:33):
We've got to use this conceptcalled thought replacement.
So we replace problem centricthought with a question.
Now, this question is, called aRelentless Solution Focus Tool,
and this tool comes in the formof a question.
I think if anybody listening tothis takes one thing from this
podcast, I want it to be thisquestion.
(17:54):
The question is, what's onething I can do that could make
this better?
What's one thing I can do thatcould make this better?
That's the RSF tool question.
Now, this question is how youreplace PCT with RSF.
Because the reason that thisquestion is so important is
(18:14):
because you're going to go outthere and you're going to start
trying to be more positivehopefully I've compelled you to,
to understand or like to, tothink about like, okay, I want
to start being more positive.
I want to start being moreoptimistic.
And then you're going to get outthere and you're going to
experience that next problem,right?
You're going to get the callfrom your kid's principal or,
whatever else it is that comesat us hard and fast as mom's.
(18:37):
And It's going to be way harderthan you think it is, right?
Because your brain's going towant to swirl with all the
things that could potentially gowrong.
The reason this question, what'sone thing I can do that could
make this better.
Is so impactful is becausethere's this thing that happens
in our brain when we're asked aquestion called instinctive
(18:58):
elaboration and instinctiveelaboration just basically
refers to the fact that whenwe're asked a question, our
brains cannot help but onlythink about the answer to that
question.
It kind of turns off everythingelse so that our brain, our
whole brain lights up like whenyou look at it on an MRI when
somebody is asked a question,the whole brain lights up
(19:19):
because it's thinking aboutpotential answers to that
question and again in asituation like when we're
experiencing a problem, it's areally good thing to turn off
all of our thinking about thepotential problem and that PCT
tornado that really wants tostart swirling by forcing it to
think about potential solutions.
It's one thing I can do thatcould make this better.
Shelby Nicholl (19:42):
What a powerful tool.
I'm thinking about some of thewomen that I know, right?
They might be corporate leadersor their financial advisors,
right?
And they are interacting all thetime with stressful situations.
Most of us, you know, Idefinitely am waking up with
that list that you mentioned atthe beginning.
I'm sure my, my cortisol levelsare off the chart higher than
(20:04):
they should be.
and it's so interesting though,that you're just retraining the
brain to ask this one questioninstead of focusing on the
problem, we're going to focus onthe, what is the one thing I
could do to make this better?
Dr. Ellen Reed (20:15):
Yeah, but I love I love the way you said that in
terms of retraining the brainbecause that's exactly what we
have to do.
Right?
So that's why this mentalworkout piece is so important
because, you know, can't just bea pep talk, right?
Our remember our brains arewired to not be good at that.
And so in order to literallychange our wiring, and that's
(20:36):
what we do, that's what we workon.
Now my normal is very differentthan it was 20 years ago, right?
Because I've trained my brain ona daily basis, and I continue
to.
It's just like any muscle,right?
If you stop lifting your weight,your muscles are going to
atrophy.
Our brains have this thingcalled neuroplasticity, which
I'm sure that you've heard of.
Neuroplasticity really anamazing thing because it's the
(20:59):
brain's ability to mold andrewire itself through training.
So, people like to kind of throwout there like, well, I'm just
not a morning person, or I'venever like followed through with
stuff, or I always start a newhabit and I get going on it.
And then I always let it fall bythe wayside or, I've just never
been good at this, or I'vealways been bad at that.
Right?
The fact of the matter is, youmay have always been bad at
(21:20):
that, but that doesn't have tobe the case going forward
because of neuroplasticity.
We train our brain to wire in acertain way.
it's going to continue to wirein a certain way and it's going
to strengthen those connections.
So every time you replace thatproblem centric thought with
that RSF question, what's onething I can do that could make
(21:42):
this better?
You're strengthening thatconnection.
So over time, it's going tobecome easier to For your brain
to default to that question.
Shelby Nicholl (21:51):
It's so interesting.
You've been teaching this for solong.
Does your brain justautomatically go there?
Dr. Ellen Reed (21:57):
Yes and no.
Right.
I think my baseline is in termsof like an RSF level, right?
My baseline is much higher, buthigher doesn't mean perfect.
I've got two little boys and Italk about this in the book,
but, you know, there was a time,especially when I became a new
mom, the first couple of yearsof my oldest son's life, I'd
(22:17):
really let myself fall back offtrack, you know, I'd had a good,
number of years where I was likesailing through this RSF thing,
and I was coaching people on itevery day and, doing my tools,
doing my mental workout.
And when I became a mom, I kindof stopped doing the tools.
I think I just got busy and Ijust kind of used it as an
excuse.
And you know how it is like ifyou miss a workout one day it
(22:39):
becomes easier to miss it thenext, which then makes it easier
to miss it the next.
So I'd fallen off track with mymental workout, my success log,
which is another thing that weteach.
And I just let myself fall intothat narrative of, being a mom
is just stressful.
Mom's just worried that's justpart of being a mom, and people
would like, don't worry aboutthe fact that you're worried
about them.
You're going to worry about yourkids for as long as you're
(23:01):
alive.
Shelby Nicholl (23:01):
And it's a badge of honor.
It is, it is,
Dr. Ellen Reed (23:05):
it is terrible.
And so it is.
And I just kind of let myselffall into that.
And I remember the moment when Ikind of recognized that I was
off track and it was reallysobering because again, I was
teaching this stuff every day,you know, and I was not taking
my own medicine, so to speak.
And I remember it was bath timeand my son was probably like two
(23:29):
and I remember I was like on myphone, checking emails, texting
people, just kind of like, youknow, how it was like, felt
pretty normal to me to just belike thinking about work and.
Thinking about my next show orwhatever.
And I just remember in thatmoment being like, Crap.
I don't remember the last timeI've done my mental workout.
that familiar feeling of like myheart pounding out of my chest,
(23:51):
right.
When I woke up, had returned.
And I just remember thinkinglike, okay, this is supposed to
be like one of the happiesttimes in my life and I feel
stressed and I don't know thatI'm fully enjoying it.
And, when I reminded myself oflike my purpose, that's
something that we always talkabout with new clients and like
got back on track with my mentaltraining, things started to fall
(24:12):
back in place.
But, I tell that story to makethe point that, again, just like
lifting the weights in the gym,you know, if you stop lifting
the weights, your muscles aregoing to get weaker.
And so this is something that,yes, like, my normal is very
different than it was before,but it's still something that I
have to work on every day.
(24:33):
And there's still times where Ilose that battle against PCT,
but the key about this, is thatI know that I'm at least going
to lose that battle better thanhad I not fought it.
You know, RSF doesn't protectyou from life's problems.
You know, you're still going toget that call from your kid's
school, right?
(24:53):
You're still going to get thatjolt, right?
As a mom, like that jolt ofanxiety, But what it is going to
do, Is it's going to give youthe confidence to know that
whatever the problem is justgoing to kick it in its ass,
right?
Like my older son is eight andwe, you know, we had a pretty
hard year in second grade and, Ihad to give myself a lot of,
(25:17):
talking to's right.
A lot of kind of like pep talksisn't necessarily the word I
want to use, but just remindingmyself that like, Hey.
You know, this is hard, but Ican do this and you know, I
don't need to worry about thefuture because I know whatever
comes, we are just going to kickit in the rear.
And that confidence comes fromthat relentless solution focus.
(25:37):
I don't know what the solutionis, but I know there is one.
And I know I'm going to find itbecause I'm going to be
relentless about finding it.
Shelby Nicholl (25:45):
That's super interesting, and I love that
relentless word.
It's a, I just, it's apersistence.
It's an in the optimism that isall kind of wound up into those
3 words.
I know that those were pickedwith such intention.
I can only imagine the list ofwords that you all had been
considering over time and one ofthe things you talk a lot about
too, is self confidence and I'mworking with a lot of women in
(26:07):
particular, right?
Women in a very male dominatedindustry.
why is self confidence kind ofso important and how do we
create it within ourselves?
I guess that, that RSF questioncan help us even in our self
confidence.
Dr. Ellen Reed (26:20):
Totally.
But, you know, I think you'reright on with your question and
that yes, self confidence is soimportant.
In fact, it's the mostimportant.
It's the number one variable forall human performance.
So almost everything that I doas a coach and everything that I
learned from Jason in terms ofcoaching and what's important to
focus on runs through thatfilter of self confidence and
(26:42):
Jason said it like this.
And I just this is so impactfulto me.
That again.
The research shows that selfconfidence is the number one
thing that's going to impact howyou're going to perform.
So why does it make sense tofocus on anything else above
self confidence, right?
And so that's one of thosethings like when we're
visualizing that RSF question,we talk a lot about in the
mental workout with likedifferent forms of self talk.
(27:05):
We teach something called anidentity statement, something
called a performance statementfor athletes, all things that
are designed to help feed thatself confidence.
Mhm.
Because again, remember PCT,problem centric thought, makes
us really good at being expertsat what we're bad at.
And so, we have to actively workon self confidence, and we do
(27:26):
that, with a really specifictool called the Success Blog.
I do it every day.
My clients do it every day.
It takes about a minute andwe've got to be doing this
training every single day andyou're right in your industry,
you know, working with women,when I've asked some of my,
highly successful femaleclients, you know, what has been
(27:48):
the number one obstacle in yourcareer?
The number one answer I'vegotten has been self-doubt Hmm
that that self doubt has beenthe biggest obstacle for them in
their career.
you know, we're taught to behumble beyond the effects of
that problem centric thought.
We're also taught to be humble.
combine that with being reallygood at focusing on what we
(28:11):
messed up, right?
It's a recipe for really lowself confidence.
And so, you know, that's numberone.
Shelby Nicholl (28:18):
I talk a lot about that in, in my blogs and
writings too, in that, I canremember of course, like
everyone, right?
Growing up in households, beingtaught to be humble, not to have
an ego.
I can remember, my grandfathersaying things like, Oh, you got
all A's.
Well, don't get a big head aboutit, you know, as if that was
actually really possible given,who I am as a person.
(28:39):
Sure.
Yeah.
But it really sticks with youand then you have to overcome it
as an adult and deal with sortof double bind and different
standards for women and all ofthe things that we work with and
deal with.
It's really easy to have suchhigh doubt and to, really have
to work on that self confidence.
You know, we, it also shows upin, in corporate world as
(29:00):
executive presence.
It shows up as leadershippresence.
Um, yeah,
Dr. Ellen Reed (29:05):
yeah.
Well, and One of the things thatI feel like I'm in a unique
position, with what I do andlike who I work with to know
about, you know, because thepeople I work with are typically
very high achieving and.
They all struggle with it.
Right?
Like, and I, you know, I, I getmessages, I get calls, I get
emails from people that onpaper, no one would ever think
(29:29):
that they struggle with selfconfidence and that self
confidence, that perfectionistmentality, that imposter
syndrome is just so normal andcommon.
And it all starts with workingon that self confidence.
It's really actually very simpleto fix, or to work on, you know,
and I think that that's the goodnews.
I feel like I've told a lot ofbad news today, but this stuff
(29:51):
is actually very simple to fix.
It's very simple.
It's not complicated.
It just takes consistency, Iwant people to walk away from
today with that RSF question ofwhat's one thing I can do that
could make this better.
But in Relentless SolutionFocus, we walk you through
really simple tools, that RSFtool being one of them, to
really work on this stuff.
And it takes like three minutesa day.
(30:13):
You know, this tool called theSuccess Blog, and I'll tell you
the first question of it, justvery simply, write down three
things you did well in the last24 hours.
It takes 30 seconds.
But if you get in the habit ofwriting down three things you
did well in the last 24 hours,that's a really great starting
point to fostering that selfconfidence.
(30:33):
It's so simple.
We just don't do it.
But if you start doing thesethings consistently, you're
going to start to see reallypositive results pretty quickly.
Shelby Nicholl (30:43):
It's super interesting.
And when you're seeingconsistency, you're meaning
every day.
That's really what it is.
Weekends too?
Dr. Ellen Reed (30:50):
Say, well, I would say maybe like four or
five days a week, you know, Iprobably, I do my mental workout
and success log probably fivedays a week.
for a lot of things, I kind offeel like doing something five
days a week is easier than doingit three.
Yeah, um, just because you kindof build up that consistency in
your routine.
Um, but if you're doing it, youknow, less than three, four days
(31:10):
a week, I think you're reallymissing out on a lot of the
positive effects.
But again, it takes the mentalworkout plus the success blog
tool that we teach in totaltakes about three minutes.
that three minutes is going tomake the rest of your day, your
productivity.
Yeah.
All the things so much moreimpactful.
And so it's really worth theinvestment of those three
(31:31):
minutes, which is hard to give,right?
Three minutes.
Sounds like not that big of adeal, but it's hard to commit
to.
It's hard to get in the routineof doing it.
but I like when my clients getto the point where they wouldn't
even think about starting theirday without doing their mental
workout.
Shelby Nicholl (31:46):
Yeah.
So you always do it.
Prefer to do it at the start.
Dr. Ellen Reed (31:51):
Um, well that's a good question.
That's one I, that's a questionI often get.
Especially for, from highachievers who like to make sure
they're doing it exactly right.
Right?
Yes.
Which like, that's a, totally aquestion I would ask too.
Um, but the, the right time todo it is just whenever you'll do
it consistently.
if I'm working with an athlete,I would want him doing it, their
mental workout, like withinmaybe an hour before a game or
(32:14):
practice or performance.
I do have athletes that it worksbetter for them to do it right
before bed.
and I do have athletes that itworks better for them to do it,
like right when they wake up inthe morning.
It's so much more important thatyou'll do it at a time where
you'll do it consistently.
Then to do it at the perfecttime.
So while that perfect time mightbe, you know, right before you
start your day, if you know thatyou're going to get into the
(32:36):
office and people are going tobe coming at you immediately,
that's going to give it a highlikelihood that you won't be
able to do it, then do it atnight before bed or do it like
in the morning when you'remaking your coffee.
Shelby Nicholl (32:47):
Yeah, yeah, I think that's really interesting
to pick the right time based onwhen you're going to be able to
give it the focus.
That's what I'm hearing.
Dr. Ellen Reed (32:54):
Yes, exactly.
Shelby Nicholl (32:56):
But I also think it's so interesting, and it's
starting to happen in businessis with high performers,
believing and treatingthemselves as athletes.
And I think pushing yourselfthrough those mental workouts as
you've described here today,having some consistency about
your routine, putting your bodyfirst, moving your body, et
cetera, are all things thatobviously athletes do, but so do
(33:17):
high performers.
Dr. Ellen Reed (33:19):
Totally.
And you know, it's funny becauseI work with business
professionals.
I work with Olympic athletes,professional athletes.
I work with college athletes,high school kids.
I work with like, I think myyoungest client is like eight.
But you know, the interestingthing is that the approach is
not that different.
(33:40):
The things that I'm hearing frommy Olympic athletes are the same
things that I'm hearing from my12 year olds, or my business
professionals for that matter.
these fundamentals ofperformance and of high
performance and of selfconfidence and optimism,
relentless solution focus arevery universal.
(34:00):
Is that something that might besurprising to people?
Shelby Nicholl (34:04):
It is surprising.
I definitely would have thoughtthere would be some, some
scaling differences between, youknow, an Olympic athlete and a,
and a high performing, butyounger athlete as well.
It's, it's super interesting.
I think you've given us so muchto think about.
I want to just close out with,with asking you how, how can
people find you?
How do you engage with clients?
(34:24):
what are some ways for people tolearn more?
Dr. Ellen Reed (34:27):
So, um, you can always email me.
It's just Ellen at Jason selfdot com.
but I'm on Instagram.
I try to post a lot of value onInstagram.
even I've been kind of surprisedwith how much people are
resonating with this.
Like perfectionist mentality.
And so I really feel like it's agreat way for me to get
information and help and valueout to a lot of people.
(34:50):
So I'm just Dr.
Ellen Reed on Instagram, Dr.
Ellen Reed.
another really great way to getaccess to these fundamentals,
The really cost effective way isI do these workshops every once
in a while and I do have onecoming up.
But it's going to be recordedand so you should be able to
grab it at any time.
but we really set the foundationfor this, these fundamentals and
(35:14):
we start with some goal settingand purpose and big questions.
And we really nail it down tosome really specific concrete
tools.
So that's a great way if you'rereally looking for kind of that
coaching experience beyondreading Relentless Solution
Focus, or I'm available forcoaching.
So, you know, email me, find meon Instagram.
(35:36):
I love to hear from you, youknow, if you've started
implementing some of these toolsand, you know, are loving the
results or if you havequestions, you know, I really
try hard not to gatekeep thisstuff.
Shelby Nicholl (35:47):
That's great.
Dr. Ellen Reed (35:47):
Don't hesitate with questions.
Shelby Nicholl (35:49):
That is great.
I am so grateful for thisconversation.
I will link to your Instagramlink to your book all within the
show notes, link out to yourwebsite as well.
So people can find those.
This has just been a lovelyconversation, Ellen, and I am so
grateful to know you and sograteful for you to have shared
these tools with our audience.
Thank you so much.
Dr. Ellen Reed (36:08):
Thank you.
And thank you for all you do.
It's so valuable to havesomebody in your position, you
know, advocating for the stuffthat women need.
Um, and so really thanks for allyou do as well.
Shelby Nicholl (36:21):
Oh, thank you.
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