August 1, 2025 • 17 mins
Summary
Parallel parenting provides a structured approach for co-parenting with high-conflict exes by creating strong boundaries and limiting communication. This episode explores different co-parenting styles and helps you determine if parallel parenting might be the right approach for your situation.
Key Takeaways:
• Different co-parenting styles exist on a spectrum from nesting to collaborative co-parenting to parallel parenting
• Parallel parenting involves parenting on separate "train tracks" that never cross, with minimal communication
• Most co-parents start with collaborative intentions but may shift to parallel parenting when difficulties arise
• Parallel parenting works best with manipulative, toxic, or boundary-challenging ex-partners
• Strong boundaries are essential when dealing with difficult people, especially when children are involved
• Your house, your rules; their house, their rules—each parent maintains control during their parenting time
• The parenting plan becomes your guide for all interactions and decisions
• Parallel parenting can be temporary as you heal, or a long-term solution for high-conflict situations
If you found this episode helpful, please leave a review and share it with another co-parenting mom. Check out our free guide on different co-parenting styles and our masterclass "How to Handle a Difficult Ex."
Kids First CoParenting System: NOW a MEMBERSHIP!!! If you are co-parenting with a narcissist, dealing with a manipulative ex, or feeling overwhelmed by high-conflict dynamics, you are not alone. These resources are designed to help you protect your child’s emotional health and take back control of your co-parenting experience.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dr. Karalynn Royster (00:06):
Welcome to the Kids First Co-Parenting
Podcast the podcast for smart,intentional, millennial moms
raising resilient kids afterseparation and divorce.
I'm Dr Karalynnn Royster, achild psychologist coach and a
mom.
After thousands of therapyhours with kids caught in the
middle of high conflicthouseholds, I'm here to help
(00:29):
moms like you do it differentlyFrom peaceful co-parenting to
total chaos.
I've got you here.
We talk boundaries, regulationand how to raise a great kid,
even if your ex is beyonddifficult.
We blend science with real lifeand, as always, keep the focus
where it matters.
I'm raising great kids.
This is Kids First Co-Parenting.
Welcome In this episode of theKids First Co-Parenting podcast.
(00:51):
We are talking about parallelparenting.
For some of you, this is goingto be almost what feels like a
review, and you may decide thatyou kind of got this and you
want to skip ahead to some ofthe other episodes.
That is fine.
For a lot of moms that are justentering into, like this,
co-parenting post-divorce world,this is a newer concept, and so
(01:14):
it is important that we have alittle bit of an episode talking
about it, because it's animportant topic.
It is July here when I'mrecording this episode In
Colorado.
Here we go back to school inearly August, which is bananas
to me, because where I grew upin the Midwest there was a
pretty heavy tourism industryand maybe I'm wrong about this,
(01:34):
but I don't think you could evenI think it was like illegal or
something to start school beforeLabor Day.
So every year, I meantruthfully, by the time I get to
July, I'm like, please someonetake these kids back to school,
and it is so strange to me thatthey start in just a couple of
weeks.
So there's a lot of cool stuffhappening in our Kids First
(01:54):
world.
We're doing a back to schoolQ&A for our email list
subscribers, so some free stufflike that where people can ask
me questions, and our upcomingmasterclasses.
Of course, we do a differenttopic every month.
So, as always on the podcast,if you have specific questions,
you can feel free to write to meand I will do an episode on
them.
I always love to answerquestions from our community.
(02:17):
That's where I get a lot ofideas from, and if you're not in
our community, please find away to join us.
There are many options,including our private Facebook
group.
I'm pretty active on Instagram.
That's a great place to followme, the best way to hear about
all our upcoming classes andprograms and all the cool stuff
that we can support you with isby being on our email list, so
(02:40):
hop on that.
That's where you hear thelatest and the greatest,
including when new episodes ofthe podcast drop, as always.
Thank you for following andsubscribing.
We appreciate you, weappreciate your reviews and if
you're in the craziness ofgetting back to school, I feel
ya, I feel ya.
Let's dive in to parallelparenting.
So what you're going to learntoday is what it is, why
(03:04):
parallel parenting is sometimesthe best route and why
collaborative co-parenting is sopopular.
And then we're going to talkabout some of the scenarios
where it might be the best fitfor you and your co-parent.
Like, you pick a co-parentingstyle and you get it tattooed on
(03:28):
you, or you sign a divorcedecree and you're like this is
the style we're going to do andit's never going to change.
It's written in stone.
We will do this forever, untilour children are 19.
It doesn't work that way and infact, a lot of people will talk
about the changing style thatthey use as they co-parent over
time.
A couple of weeks ago, I was ona podcast with Intentional
Divorce Insights.
(03:49):
They're lovely certifiedfinancial divorce planners.
If you need that resource, lookthem up.
And the host was talking to meabout how you know, in the
beginning she really needed todo a little bit more of the
parallel parenting style andthen, over time and with a lot
of work, they got to morecollaborative co-parenting.
But you hear that a lot.
It takes a really long time anda lot of work and a lot of
(04:10):
insight.
Let's dive into this.
Okay, now there are differentstyles of co-parenting.
We're going to start with that.
A lot of times when we'retalking about co-parenting and
co-parenting well, we arereferencing, as a community and
as the people that are doing it,collaborative co-parenting.
(04:31):
So collaborative co-parentingis what I call it.
That is when there is a realbasis of respect.
There is a mutual understandingthat we have our kids' best
interests at heart.
Always we are doing ourabsolute best for that.
There tends to be almost like afriendship there and there's
certainly a maturity between youand your co parent.
(04:54):
It tends to be the style thatworks best, according to the
research, for kids in the longterm, right?
So the kind of general rule ofthumb is that more conflict
equals more stress for children,equals poorer outcomes.
And what do I mean by pooreroutcomes?
I don't want to talk like bigdoctor, speak for you.
What I mean by that is kidstend to do not as well across
(05:18):
their emotional health, acrossschool, across medical outcomes,
their own relationships.
We know kids do better whentheir two parents have at least
a semi-amicable relationship.
You get along pretty well, okay.
So that's what we mean bycollaborative co-parenting.
On one side of that we havefolks that do things like
(05:40):
nesting.
Nesting is like you're reallygood friends, you get along
great, you could be roommates.
You're pretty civil, you're notgetting into spats about who's
taking the trash out.
Nesting is a very specificstyle of co-parenting and we'll
do an episode on this as well.
But it's where the family homeremains the same and the kids
(06:03):
stay there.
They do not go back and forthbetween different houses and the
parents quote unquote fly inand fly out of the family home
like birds.
Get it Nesting birds.
The kids are the little babybirds.
They stay in the nest and theparents fly in and out.
Whether that means the personthat's not in the home is at a
friend's house or at anapartment, the person that's not
(06:23):
in the home is at a friend'shouse or at an apartment.
You're not living together, butyou are living in the same
space and taking turns there.
So we will dive deep intonesting, because that's a very
specific type of co-parenting.
And then the middle, we havesort of that collaborative
co-parenting, and then on theother side we have what's called
parallel parenting.
So parallel parenting can look,you know, there's a lot of
(06:46):
latitude within that label butbasically what it means, we as
professionals think of it as youare parenting on two separate
train tracks or two separateroads, for example, perhaps an
interstate, and you do not crossthe barrier.
The train cannot hop off atrain track and move to the
(07:06):
other side.
Each of you have your own track, they do not cross and there is
not a lot of communicationbetween the two.
So parallel parenting tends tobe not very collaborative.
There's not a lot of like heylook, I had this consequence at
my house.
It would be helpful if youcontinue that consequence there.
No, you're pretty much only incharge of your track, and many
(07:27):
times because of that it meansyou don't get a lot of say in
the other track or the otherhome, nor do they get say in
your home, and so it can be bothan offensive and a defensive
strategy.
I am not a sports girly, so I'mkind of proud of myself for
using that metaphor, because itmay be wrong I don't, I'm not a,
(07:49):
I don't really but what itmeans is you're being proactive
and reactive If you don't wantsomebody having a say in what
happens in your home in yourtime and we'll get into the
reasons for why that would bethat's the proactive piece.
It's also reactive in the waythat you don't get to have a say
then over there, right.
So in order to protect yourpeace, you're not really
(08:12):
crossing that track to betalking and integrating with
what's happening over there.
So very, very different styles.
Now, what's important that youknow about this is that
post-divorce, it's very commonfor families, as we're healing,
as we're getting over heartbreak, as we're separating assets in
homes and school decisions, tokind of start in more of a
(08:34):
parallel parenting method,because there's so many emotions
and tensions and emotions canstill be running quite high.
Actually, I take that back.
What I see a lot is when thedivorce or separation is
initiated, people are sayingthings like we're gonna be the
best co-parents together, we'realways gonna put our kids first,
and then something happens andpeople get angry and then we
(08:58):
move towards more parallelparenting.
So it's pretty common to be inthat place and then over time,
as trust gets built up and yousettle into this is the rhythm
with our kids and our life.
Now, if it's possible, you maymove more towards collaborative
okay over time.
(09:19):
So that makes a lot of sense tomy brain and from what I've
heard from hundreds of women islike that tends to be sort of
the pattern.
From hundreds of women is likethat tends to be sort of the
pattern.
Now, some folks do stay in aparallel parenting dynamic for a
while.
Why do we do that?
A lot of times, if yourco-parent is manipulative, toxic
(09:42):
, difficult, narcissistic, hastroubles with boundaries, then
you may opt to use the moreparallel parenting approach
Because if you did not havechildren with this person, it is
a person you would probably cutout of your life or not have a
relationship with, and so,because you have to have a
relationship with them becauseof your children, parallel
(10:03):
parenting can give a goodframework for how you can
protect your own boundaries andpeace.
This is also the case ifthere's abuse, neglect,
emotional abuse, anything likethat, domestic violence then you
want to be starting withparallel parenting and probably
staying there.
We talk a lot about difficultexes in the Kids First community
(10:24):
.
That is a huge part of whypeople find me In fact, I often
joke that if you couldcollaboratively co-parent, you
probably wouldn't need mysupport.
I tend to work more with folksthat it's very difficult for,
usually because one person makesit difficult, and so parallel
parenting is the answer to thosereally, really difficult
(10:47):
dynamics someone that does nothold boundaries, someone that
consistently attacks, provokes,tries to coerce you words like
gaslighting, gaslighting you,gaslighting your kids.
Many of the moms that opt forthis method will say things like
I got out, I survived.
I have trauma from this person,and that's what makes it so
(11:09):
hard to co-parent with them.
Why does this work?
It works because it gives youthose boundaries that you do
have to interact with someone.
Difficult and difficult.
People need strong boundaries.
It's just really hard when kidsare involved.
So let me give you an exampleabout the different styles of
co-parenting, and, of course,there's many more episodes that
(11:30):
I'd love for you to dive intoabout parallel parenting and
those sorts of things.
We get into the nitty gritty alot in this podcast, but today
we're just talking about whatparallel parenting even is right
.
So what does this look like?
All right, the example is I'msupposed to leave at four to
pick up the kids and I cannot.
So in this scenario, I'm aco-parenting mom.
(11:52):
I'm supposed to leave at four,I can't leave at four.
If I was in a collaborativeco-parenting relationship, I
could text or call my co-parentand say something like hey, I
have a big meeting, I have aimportant project.
I'm not going to be able to getout of the office at four today
(12:13):
.
Is there any way, since you'renear the kids' school and you're
working from home, you can getthem, or I can do drop off a
little bit late.
I can't get there at five.
I can get there by 5.15 or 5.30at the latest.
More than happy to give you anextra half hour this weekend.
You know it would really helpme out, right?
So not only do I explain what'shappening with me quite a bit,
(12:35):
I am asking very politelythere's not an anger in my tone
and this exception to ourparenting plan, which is that
the transition happens at five,is pretty clearly laid out, and
I'm not afraid of repercussionsfor saying that.
So that's kind of the firstpart that clues us in.
They're in more of acollaborative dynamic, right?
(12:56):
So whatever my co-parent says,they might say, like sure,
that's great.
Or, you know, drop them off atsix, not a big deal.
Or hey, why don't I just cometo you?
It'll make it a little biteasier.
Thanks for letting me know.
We'll work out the detailslater.
Right, and you might still bedoing this over an app or
something like that.
Be that it was more contentiousbefore, now it's not.
(13:17):
If you were in a parallelparenting dynamic.
One clue that you might needthis is a fear response from you
of even asking.
So what might happen thatsignals that you might need a
little bit stronger of aparallel parenting plan is if
you send a message such as thisyou know again, same scenario
I'm going to be a little bitlate tonight.
(13:37):
I'm so sorry.
I'm not going to be able tomake our five o'clock transition
plan.
Can we do 530?
Work issue came up.
I can't get away on time.
We're going to be a little bitlate.
Is 530?
Okay If you get the type ofresponse backed, such as I can't
get away on time, we're goingto be a little bit late, it's
530.
Okay, if you get the type ofresponse back such as I can't
believe.
You always do this.
You put your job first all thetime.
You're such a crappy mom.
(13:58):
Our kids really struggle withall this stuff when you do this
craziness.
So do you hear how?
That tone is very accusatory.
It starts to bring in themarital dynamics or the
relationship dynamics.
It isn't actually collaborativeat all, it's accusatory.
It has a tone to it that'spretty like guilty and blamey.
Right, that's an indicator thatperhaps we need some stronger
(14:22):
boundaries around that specificissue.
How do you do those strongerboundaries?
You look at something likeparallel parenting.
If I were parallel parenting inthis scenario, what I would say
or what I would coach my momsto say, might be something more
like I am going to be at thelater end of our transition
window tonight.
I have from 5 until 5.30.
(14:44):
I will be there by 5.30.
So you don't even bring in anypersonal information.
You don't bring in anyinvitation to comment on it.
You may or may not respond tothe vitriol you get back right.
So it's about a strategy fromyou as a person, parent.
You're really focused on youyourself, your boundaries for
(15:06):
you and your children, what youcan control and what you can't
control and you live by thatparenting plan.
That parenting plan is your,like I don't know a law.
Everything comes back to theparenting plan because it
protects you emotionally fromthis person that you know has a
history of acting in a certainway.
(15:27):
What's challenging aboutparallel parenting is that it
goes both ways.
So if you don't want yourco-parent commenting on what
you're doing so not commentingon sugar or screens or pickup
times or your work schedule oryour parenting style then it
also becomes something that youcan't really comment on it over
there either.
Now, of course that doesn't goif there's safety issues or
(15:50):
things that are in violation ofyour parenting plan, of course.
But you don't get to really saythings like hey, I'd really
appreciate if she didn't watchTV at 730 at night.
It's not your time, right, yourhouse, your time, your rules,
your expectations, their house,their rules, their expectations.
And the train tracks do notcross, okay, we have a wonderful
(16:13):
free guide that I will link inthe show notes here about
different co-parenting styles.
It's a little quiz that you cantake.
If you already know that you'rein the parallel parenting camp,
I encourage you to hop on in andparticipate in our very
signature and popular freemasterclass how to Handle a
Difficult Ex.
It has been watched hundreds oftimes at this point.
(16:35):
People love it.
It gives you a great tool toget started.
And then, if you need even moresupport, I encourage you to
check out our High ConflictCommunication bootcamp.
It is just $19 and it gives youa ton of tools to get started
on this journey with a difficultex.
I thank you so much for beinghere.
As always, I appreciate yourreviews.
(16:57):
Please leave us one.
If you got something out ofthis episode, I would so
appreciate you sharing it with afellow co-parenting mom.
Spread the word.
Bring more mamas along on thisjourney.
My friends, we all need tosupport one another.
Thank you for being here.
I'll see you in the nextepisode.
If there's anything you'd likeus to chat about, please send me
a DM.
I'm happy to read them and Ialways want to answer live
(17:19):
questions from our community.
Thanks so much.
Welcome to the Kids First Co-Parenting
Podcast the podcast for smart,intentional, millennial moms
raising resilient kids afterseparation and divorce.
I'm Dr Karalynnn Royster, achild psychologist coach and a
mom.
After thousands of therapyhours with kids caught in the
middle of high conflicthouseholds, I'm here to help
(00:29):
moms like you do it differentlyFrom peaceful co-parenting to
total chaos.
I've got you here.
We talk boundaries, regulationand how to raise a great kid,
even if your ex is beyonddifficult.
We blend science with real lifeand, as always, keep the focus
where it matters.
I'm raising great kids.
This is Kids First Co-Parenting.
Welcome In this episode of theKids First Co-Parenting podcast.
(00:51):
We are talking about parallelparenting.
For some of you, this is goingto be almost what feels like a
review, and you may decide thatyou kind of got this and you
want to skip ahead to some ofthe other episodes.
That is fine.
For a lot of moms that are justentering into, like this,
co-parenting post-divorce world,this is a newer concept, and so
(01:14):
it is important that we have alittle bit of an episode talking
about it, because it's animportant topic.
It is July here when I'mrecording this episode In
Colorado.
Here we go back to school inearly August, which is bananas
to me, because where I grew upin the Midwest there was a
pretty heavy tourism industryand maybe I'm wrong about this,
(01:34):
but I don't think you could evenI think it was like illegal or
something to start school beforeLabor Day.
So every year, I meantruthfully, by the time I get to
July, I'm like, please someonetake these kids back to school,
and it is so strange to me thatthey start in just a couple of
weeks.
So there's a lot of cool stuffhappening in our Kids First
(01:54):
world.
We're doing a back to schoolQ&A for our email list
subscribers, so some free stufflike that where people can ask
me questions, and our upcomingmasterclasses.
Of course, we do a differenttopic every month.
So, as always on the podcast,if you have specific questions,
you can feel free to write to meand I will do an episode on
them.
I always love to answerquestions from our community.
(02:17):
That's where I get a lot ofideas from, and if you're not in
our community, please find away to join us.
There are many options,including our private Facebook
group.
I'm pretty active on Instagram.
That's a great place to followme, the best way to hear about
all our upcoming classes andprograms and all the cool stuff
that we can support you with isby being on our email list, so
(02:40):
hop on that.
That's where you hear thelatest and the greatest,
including when new episodes ofthe podcast drop, as always.
Thank you for following andsubscribing.
We appreciate you, weappreciate your reviews and if
you're in the craziness ofgetting back to school, I feel
ya, I feel ya.
Let's dive in to parallelparenting.
So what you're going to learntoday is what it is, why
(03:04):
parallel parenting is sometimesthe best route and why
collaborative co-parenting is sopopular.
And then we're going to talkabout some of the scenarios
where it might be the best fitfor you and your co-parent.
Like, you pick a co-parentingstyle and you get it tattooed on
(03:28):
you, or you sign a divorcedecree and you're like this is
the style we're going to do andit's never going to change.
It's written in stone.
We will do this forever, untilour children are 19.
It doesn't work that way and infact, a lot of people will talk
about the changing style thatthey use as they co-parent over
time.
A couple of weeks ago, I was ona podcast with Intentional
Divorce Insights.
(03:49):
They're lovely certifiedfinancial divorce planners.
If you need that resource, lookthem up.
And the host was talking to meabout how you know, in the
beginning she really needed todo a little bit more of the
parallel parenting style andthen, over time and with a lot
of work, they got to morecollaborative co-parenting.
But you hear that a lot.
It takes a really long time anda lot of work and a lot of
(04:10):
insight.
Let's dive into this.
Okay, now there are differentstyles of co-parenting.
We're going to start with that.
A lot of times when we'retalking about co-parenting and
co-parenting well, we arereferencing, as a community and
as the people that are doing it,collaborative co-parenting.
(04:31):
So collaborative co-parentingis what I call it.
That is when there is a realbasis of respect.
There is a mutual understandingthat we have our kids' best
interests at heart.
Always we are doing ourabsolute best for that.
There tends to be almost like afriendship there and there's
certainly a maturity between youand your co parent.
(04:54):
It tends to be the style thatworks best, according to the
research, for kids in the longterm, right?
So the kind of general rule ofthumb is that more conflict
equals more stress for children,equals poorer outcomes.
And what do I mean by pooreroutcomes?
I don't want to talk like bigdoctor, speak for you.
What I mean by that is kidstend to do not as well across
(05:18):
their emotional health, acrossschool, across medical outcomes,
their own relationships.
We know kids do better whentheir two parents have at least
a semi-amicable relationship.
You get along pretty well, okay.
So that's what we mean bycollaborative co-parenting.
On one side of that we havefolks that do things like
(05:40):
nesting.
Nesting is like you're reallygood friends, you get along
great, you could be roommates.
You're pretty civil, you're notgetting into spats about who's
taking the trash out.
Nesting is a very specificstyle of co-parenting and we'll
do an episode on this as well.
But it's where the family homeremains the same and the kids
(06:03):
stay there.
They do not go back and forthbetween different houses and the
parents quote unquote fly inand fly out of the family home
like birds.
Get it Nesting birds.
The kids are the little babybirds.
They stay in the nest and theparents fly in and out.
Whether that means the personthat's not in the home is at a
friend's house or at anapartment, the person that's not
(06:23):
in the home is at a friend'shouse or at an apartment.
You're not living together, butyou are living in the same
space and taking turns there.
So we will dive deep intonesting, because that's a very
specific type of co-parenting.
And then the middle, we havesort of that collaborative
co-parenting, and then on theother side we have what's called
parallel parenting.
So parallel parenting can look,you know, there's a lot of
(06:46):
latitude within that label butbasically what it means, we as
professionals think of it as youare parenting on two separate
train tracks or two separateroads, for example, perhaps an
interstate, and you do not crossthe barrier.
The train cannot hop off atrain track and move to the
(07:06):
other side.
Each of you have your own track, they do not cross and there is
not a lot of communicationbetween the two.
So parallel parenting tends tobe not very collaborative.
There's not a lot of like heylook, I had this consequence at
my house.
It would be helpful if youcontinue that consequence there.
No, you're pretty much only incharge of your track, and many
(07:27):
times because of that it meansyou don't get a lot of say in
the other track or the otherhome, nor do they get say in
your home, and so it can be bothan offensive and a defensive
strategy.
I am not a sports girly, so I'mkind of proud of myself for
using that metaphor, because itmay be wrong I don't, I'm not a,
(07:49):
I don't really but what itmeans is you're being proactive
and reactive If you don't wantsomebody having a say in what
happens in your home in yourtime and we'll get into the
reasons for why that would bethat's the proactive piece.
It's also reactive in the waythat you don't get to have a say
then over there, right.
So in order to protect yourpeace, you're not really
(08:12):
crossing that track to betalking and integrating with
what's happening over there.
So very, very different styles.
Now, what's important that youknow about this is that
post-divorce, it's very commonfor families, as we're healing,
as we're getting over heartbreak, as we're separating assets in
homes and school decisions, tokind of start in more of a
(08:34):
parallel parenting method,because there's so many emotions
and tensions and emotions canstill be running quite high.
Actually, I take that back.
What I see a lot is when thedivorce or separation is
initiated, people are sayingthings like we're gonna be the
best co-parents together, we'realways gonna put our kids first,
and then something happens andpeople get angry and then we
(08:58):
move towards more parallelparenting.
So it's pretty common to be inthat place and then over time,
as trust gets built up and yousettle into this is the rhythm
with our kids and our life.
Now, if it's possible, you maymove more towards collaborative
okay over time.
(09:19):
So that makes a lot of sense tomy brain and from what I've
heard from hundreds of women islike that tends to be sort of
the pattern.
From hundreds of women is likethat tends to be sort of the
pattern.
Now, some folks do stay in aparallel parenting dynamic for a
while.
Why do we do that?
A lot of times, if yourco-parent is manipulative, toxic
(09:42):
, difficult, narcissistic, hastroubles with boundaries, then
you may opt to use the moreparallel parenting approach
Because if you did not havechildren with this person, it is
a person you would probably cutout of your life or not have a
relationship with, and so,because you have to have a
relationship with them becauseof your children, parallel
(10:03):
parenting can give a goodframework for how you can
protect your own boundaries andpeace.
This is also the case ifthere's abuse, neglect,
emotional abuse, anything likethat, domestic violence then you
want to be starting withparallel parenting and probably
staying there.
We talk a lot about difficultexes in the Kids First community
(10:24):
.
That is a huge part of whypeople find me In fact, I often
joke that if you couldcollaboratively co-parent, you
probably wouldn't need mysupport.
I tend to work more with folksthat it's very difficult for,
usually because one person makesit difficult, and so parallel
parenting is the answer to thosereally, really difficult
(10:47):
dynamics someone that does nothold boundaries, someone that
consistently attacks, provokes,tries to coerce you words like
gaslighting, gaslighting you,gaslighting your kids.
Many of the moms that opt forthis method will say things like
I got out, I survived.
I have trauma from this person,and that's what makes it so
(11:09):
hard to co-parent with them.
Why does this work?
It works because it gives youthose boundaries that you do
have to interact with someone.
Difficult and difficult.
People need strong boundaries.
It's just really hard when kidsare involved.
So let me give you an exampleabout the different styles of
co-parenting, and, of course,there's many more episodes that
(11:30):
I'd love for you to dive intoabout parallel parenting and
those sorts of things.
We get into the nitty gritty alot in this podcast, but today
we're just talking about whatparallel parenting even is right
.
So what does this look like?
All right, the example is I'msupposed to leave at four to
pick up the kids and I cannot.
So in this scenario, I'm aco-parenting mom.
(11:52):
I'm supposed to leave at four,I can't leave at four.
If I was in a collaborativeco-parenting relationship, I
could text or call my co-parentand say something like hey, I
have a big meeting, I have aimportant project.
I'm not going to be able to getout of the office at four today
(12:13):
.
Is there any way, since you'renear the kids' school and you're
working from home, you can getthem, or I can do drop off a
little bit late.
I can't get there at five.
I can get there by 5.15 or 5.30at the latest.
More than happy to give you anextra half hour this weekend.
You know it would really helpme out, right?
So not only do I explain what'shappening with me quite a bit,
(12:35):
I am asking very politelythere's not an anger in my tone
and this exception to ourparenting plan, which is that
the transition happens at five,is pretty clearly laid out, and
I'm not afraid of repercussionsfor saying that.
So that's kind of the firstpart that clues us in.
They're in more of acollaborative dynamic, right?
(12:56):
So whatever my co-parent says,they might say, like sure,
that's great.
Or, you know, drop them off atsix, not a big deal.
Or hey, why don't I just cometo you?
It'll make it a little biteasier.
Thanks for letting me know.
We'll work out the detailslater.
Right, and you might still bedoing this over an app or
something like that.
Be that it was more contentiousbefore, now it's not.
(13:17):
If you were in a parallelparenting dynamic.
One clue that you might needthis is a fear response from you
of even asking.
So what might happen thatsignals that you might need a
little bit stronger of aparallel parenting plan is if
you send a message such as thisyou know again, same scenario
I'm going to be a little bitlate tonight.
(13:37):
I'm so sorry.
I'm not going to be able tomake our five o'clock transition
plan.
Can we do 530?
Work issue came up.
I can't get away on time.
We're going to be a little bitlate.
Is 530?
Okay If you get the type ofresponse backed, such as I can't
get away on time, we're goingto be a little bit late, it's
530.
Okay, if you get the type ofresponse back such as I can't
believe.
You always do this.
You put your job first all thetime.
You're such a crappy mom.
(13:58):
Our kids really struggle withall this stuff when you do this
craziness.
So do you hear how?
That tone is very accusatory.
It starts to bring in themarital dynamics or the
relationship dynamics.
It isn't actually collaborativeat all, it's accusatory.
It has a tone to it that'spretty like guilty and blamey.
Right, that's an indicator thatperhaps we need some stronger
(14:22):
boundaries around that specificissue.
How do you do those strongerboundaries?
You look at something likeparallel parenting.
If I were parallel parenting inthis scenario, what I would say
or what I would coach my momsto say, might be something more
like I am going to be at thelater end of our transition
window tonight.
I have from 5 until 5.30.
(14:44):
I will be there by 5.30.
So you don't even bring in anypersonal information.
You don't bring in anyinvitation to comment on it.
You may or may not respond tothe vitriol you get back right.
So it's about a strategy fromyou as a person, parent.
You're really focused on youyourself, your boundaries for
(15:06):
you and your children, what youcan control and what you can't
control and you live by thatparenting plan.
That parenting plan is your,like I don't know a law.
Everything comes back to theparenting plan because it
protects you emotionally fromthis person that you know has a
history of acting in a certainway.
(15:27):
What's challenging aboutparallel parenting is that it
goes both ways.
So if you don't want yourco-parent commenting on what
you're doing so not commentingon sugar or screens or pickup
times or your work schedule oryour parenting style then it
also becomes something that youcan't really comment on it over
there either.
Now, of course that doesn't goif there's safety issues or
(15:50):
things that are in violation ofyour parenting plan, of course.
But you don't get to really saythings like hey, I'd really
appreciate if she didn't watchTV at 730 at night.
It's not your time, right, yourhouse, your time, your rules,
your expectations, their house,their rules, their expectations.
And the train tracks do notcross, okay, we have a wonderful
(16:13):
free guide that I will link inthe show notes here about
different co-parenting styles.
It's a little quiz that you cantake.
If you already know that you'rein the parallel parenting camp,
I encourage you to hop on in andparticipate in our very
signature and popular freemasterclass how to Handle a
Difficult Ex.
It has been watched hundreds oftimes at this point.
(16:35):
People love it.
It gives you a great tool toget started.
And then, if you need even moresupport, I encourage you to
check out our High ConflictCommunication bootcamp.
It is just $19 and it gives youa ton of tools to get started
on this journey with a difficultex.
I thank you so much for beinghere.
As always, I appreciate yourreviews.
(16:57):
Please leave us one.
If you got something out ofthis episode, I would so
appreciate you sharing it with afellow co-parenting mom.
Spread the word.
Bring more mamas along on thisjourney.
My friends, we all need tosupport one another.
Thank you for being here.
I'll see you in the nextepisode.
If there's anything you'd likeus to chat about, please send me
a DM.
I'm happy to read them and Ialways want to answer live
(17:19):
questions from our community.
Thanks so much.
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