September 13, 2024 • 28 mins
What does it take to truly live an authentic life? In this episode, we're joined by life coach Rebecca Fink, who shares her profound insights on cultivating self-awareness and aligning our daily habits and decisions with our true selves. Rebecca demystifies the concept of authenticity, contrasting it with being genuine, and explains how societal pressures and the desire for positive feedback can create barriers to authentic living. By tuning in, you'll gain a deeper understanding of how to navigate these challenges and make choices that bring sustainable peace and self-alignment.
We also dive into practical strategies for maintaining authenticity, especially within the complex dynamics of family and work relationships. Rebecca highlights the importance of mindfulness, setting boundaries, and making intentional decisions, even in mundane activities like cooking dinner or carpooling. Plus, we have thrilling news to share as Rebecca joins the Kinder Mind Coaching team, ready to guide clients towards personal growth and authenticity. Don't miss this heartfelt and enlightening conversation that encourages you to embrace your true self and live with greater intention.
Kinder Mind offers therapy services in Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, Mississippi, Pennsylvania, Virginia, and Texas. Follow us and feel free to share with anyone looking for therapy in a state where we're located.
KinderMind.com | Facebook | Instagram
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (00:00):
Right, okay, let me make my notes
bigger.
Thanks so much for joining usfor another episode of the
Kinder Mind podcast.
Today we're exploring, livingauthentically.
We're here with guest speakerRebecca Fink, life coach.
(00:22):
Thank you so much for joiningus today, rebecca.
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (00:26):
Thank you, I'm excited to get into it.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (00:29):
Absolutely so.
Thinking about this topic ofliving authentically, what do
you define as livingauthentically?
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (00:39):
Really what living authentically is?
A pattern.
It's a pattern of habits anddecisions that come from a
really deeper than normal review, and more so than just
reviewing, but anacknowledgement of what comes up
for you as you live yourday-to-day life, as you make
decisions, as you're confrontedwith interactions and go through
(01:03):
everything you would normallygo through.
In other words, it's being ableto engage with people in the
world in a way that brings youvery sustainable peace.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (01:15):
Thanks so much for sharing that.
So, thinking about peace andkind of the way of the world
today, what does it mean forsomeone to be true to themselves
and, you know, live their livesin authenticity?
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (01:31):
That's going to look different for
everybody.
You know I'm sure you've heardthe phrase everyone you meet has
their own story and all of that, but it is, it's so true.
Really, what I think being trueto yourself is is doing what
you need to do to allow yourselfto feel comfortable, accepting
(01:52):
the reactions and emotions thatcome up for you again just
during the course of day-to-daylife, and then understanding how
those reactions and emotionsguide your next steps.
How do they impact thedecisions that you make?
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (02:08):
So then, thinking about differences, I
know we hear, like you said,being true to yourself and
authenticity and being genuine.
Are there any differencesbetween authenticity and just
simply being genuine?
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (02:24):
Yeah, yeah.
So a lot of times they're usedinterchangeably and honestly,
it's not a huge deal that theyare.
But if you really want to getinto it, being genuine is more
how you relate to others, whilebeing authentic is a very inward
reflection.
It's how being authentic is howyou express your inner self to
(02:48):
the outer world, and in order todo that, you really have to do
the inner work.
So genuine is more outer self.
Being authentic is more innerself.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (03:01):
Thank you so much for distinguishing that
full transparency.
I did not know that differencebefore today, so that's super
helpful.
To think of it from a lens oflike authenticity and living
authentically is really youfocused You're the driver in the
seat for that, whereas beinggenuine is more for others and
those types of connections andwhat that looks like.
(03:22):
So thank you for that.
Sure, what are some commonbarriers that people may face
when they're trying to liveauthentically?
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (03:30):
Oh my gosh, there are so many.
Because it's hard, it's reallydifficult to accomplish
authentic living and it's alwaysa process there is no.
You know, I've done this forseven years and now I live
authentically every day.
No, it's a living, breathingprocess that goes throughout
(03:51):
your whole life.
But I think one of the mostcommon barriers is just the
desire for positive input.
I mean this can be even fromyour own internal messaging, for
instance.
I know a lot of people willtake on more right.
More work went super well.
(04:11):
Everybody's talking about itfor years.
Or maybe your friend feels justso much better, so much more
unburdened after you talk, andthat gives you a sense of
(04:34):
accomplishment and sense of joy.
Or you were really successfulin that project at work.
You got a huge promotion, yougot a raise, wonderful things
happen to you and that projectat work, you got a huge
promotion, you got a raise,wonderful things happen to you
and that's wonderful and it canbe life changing.
But it's possible that at thesame time you didn't really want
to do those things.
(04:54):
And that's where a big barrierto living authentically comes in
, because you're getting all ofthese positive messages, these
positive messages, you'regetting all of these wonderful
rewards, but you didn't reallywant to do those things in the
first place, so they made youfeel a little uncomfortable, or
they made you feel a little bitanxious about the amount that
(05:16):
you were taking on to your ownplate.
So I think that that desire forpositive input while it's a
great thing usually, actually inthis case can be one of the
most common barriers.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (05:32):
That definitely leads me to my next
question.
So it's about barriers andexpectations and pressures.
How does societal expectationsand external pressures impact
our ability to be authentic?
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (05:46):
Oh my gosh, I mean in every way, in
every single way you can thinkof.
I typically hearken back whenI'm thinking about this to one
of the very first things that Ilearned as a professional, and
that is that we all grow up insome kind of community.
(06:07):
And as we're growing up, one ofthe things that, if you're
familiar with Maslow, maslow'shierarchy of needs, so we all
grow up in some kind ofcommunity and one of the most
basic needs that we have, fromthe time that we're a teeny
little kid, is to feel a senseof belonging, to know who is
(06:29):
responsible to us, who is goingto address us when we're crying
or we feel bad or we need to eat, who's going to get their needs
met.
And we adjust our behaviors.
We end up adjusting our viewsand our language, almost
everything that we have to getthose needs met and to please
(06:51):
the people who are meeting thoseneeds for us, because that's
how we get them met right.
If we're in good standing withthese providers, then they will
bring us the things that we knowwe need and after a while,
these just become habits.
These just become habits.
Your views, your behavior, yourlanguage, your responses, your
(07:12):
decisions all of this justbecome your habits and sometimes
who we are or who we want to bereally can get lost in these
habits.
And I mean we can circle backfrom here to the question that
you asked me about barriers.
Some of these habits may resultin positive feedback, and
(07:34):
everybody loves to feel that.
Everybody loves to feel that.
So the expectations thatsociety puts on us that really
develop into these behaviors andviews and language, and the
pressures that society puts onus to meet their expectations
really do impact our ability tobe authentic.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (07:58):
That makes a lot of sense.
Like you mentioned, getting ourneeds met and how we adjust our
core belief system and the waywe view and approach the world.
That fear of judgment orrejection Always.
I know tons of folks out thereare fellow people pleasers and
really overcoming that behaviorcan be a lifelong battle if
(08:19):
that's a behavior that you'vedeveloped out of needing to seek
approval and things like thatdeveloped out of needing to seek
approval and things like that.
So what are some of the keybenefits of living authentically
from a mental and emotionalwell-being standpoint?
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (08:33):
You know I think less burnout, less
personal burnout.
I know we talk about that a lotwith work, but less personal
burnout, I personally think, isnumber one In its most basic
form.
Living authentically is justliving in a way that gives
yourself the same leeway andgrace that you probably give
other people every single day.
We're constantly surrounded byanswers.
(08:57):
We're constantly surrounded bythis is the right thing to do,
and that's exhausting.
It is exhausting to try to meetthose expectations that you
don't hold anybody else to, andI think that once you do start
(09:17):
giving yourself grace and onceyou do start understanding why
you're making decisions and thatyou don't have to make those
same decisions, it'll increaseself-confidence, self-regulation
, self-acceptance, all of thesethings that burnout slowly kind
of takes away from you.
Just in short, it has thepotential to bring this deep
(09:41):
sense of peace within yourselfand within the way you shape
your life, for as long as youpractice it.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (09:50):
So now for the hidden secrets that I know
that you're sitting on becauseyou're a life coach and this is
what you do, and you help peopleto live more authentically.
What practical steps can wetake to start living more
authentically and really be moretrue to ourselves?
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (10:10):
I think the best first step is
mindfulness and I know it'seasier said than done, but
really, at its most basic form,all mindfulness is is taking
note.
Right as you go through yourlife, just start to take note of
the things that you're doingand how you're feeling, making
(10:32):
the decisions or doing differenttasks within your life.
I think that if you giveyourself that moment of
mindfulness, that moment oftaking note, you'll find that
perhaps you don't really want tocook this for dinner.
It's a little too complicated.
You'll find surprising answers.
(10:53):
You don't really want to docarpool on Wednesday or that
extra couple hours that you aregoing to do at work.
That really aren't a problem.
It's not what you truly want.
It's giving you a little bit ofpause.
Your shoulders are squeezing intowards each other.
You're schlumping a little bitmore than you usually do.
(11:16):
You know any slew of physicalmanifestation that could be
clues for you.
Just take note of them all andsee what you come up with.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (11:31):
I really love that recommendation
(11:52):
no-transcript, really checkingin with yourself, your
environment, your surroundings,taking time to smell the roses.
I think this is a great use ofthat analogy not letting things
just kind of pass you by, likeit's not allowing life to become
so routine that you just becomeexpected to do the things that
(12:12):
you do and so thinking aboutexpectations and these barriers
and things that are placed onyou.
How could someone maintainauthenticity while navigating
complex relationships like withfamily or work?
You mentioned, like maybe notstaying late, or maybe I don't
want to do carpool on Wednesdays, so like, how do you navigate
(12:33):
that?
How do you now navigate it in away to where you can live more
authentically?
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (12:40):
I mean , that is really the crux of
everybody's goal when I meetwith them.
So it's a great question, andthere can be aspects of living
authentically that are going toimpact other people in ways that
they don't really like or theypanic about and that can come
(13:03):
back to you as a really negativeinteraction.
Boundaries are a positive thing, whether that be the boundaries
that you're realizing youreally do need to keep when you
have this authentic view ofyourselves, especially for
(13:23):
complex and work dynamics andworking through those boundaries
, really holding them there.
Now, keep in mind, livingauthentically doesn't mean do
whatever you want whenever youwant, and here are the tools to
kind of rationalize those.
You can still do the things thatyou're not super excited about.
(13:45):
You can still stay two or threehours overtime at work, but you
can still volunteer to throwthat party for a friend.
The difference is that you'remaking a very self-aware,
intentional decision.
So, while the goal of livingauthentically is to create this
(14:07):
inner peace, it is a big ask totell somebody hey, now that you
have this tool, you shouldalways feel inner peace.
It's a practice.
It's a practice that you cankeep coming back to and maybe
the authentic decision is Ireally need to stay for an extra
(14:28):
hour or I really do need tostep away and take this call,
but you're doing it in a veryself-aware, intentional way.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (14:41):
I love that you talk about like
intentionality and even givingyourself, you know, permission
to make these choices.
That might not exactly be whatyou want to do and how it's
really a journey.
It's not something that you canjust use as an excuse to stop
doing all of the things.
I know we've talked about thepeople pleasing thing, and
that's definitely something thatI've become more aware of, I
(15:04):
think, as I'm getting older.
You know being way moreprotective with my time, when
typically, I want to help asmany people as I can, I want to
do as much as I can, so then Iwould habitually stack my plate
with this mountain of stuff thatthere's no way I could humanly
possibly accomplish and then, Ireally had to take a pause and
(15:24):
look around me and see who isthis negatively impacting?
Well, it's impacting me.
I have no time for self-care,impacting my family.
I have a reduced amount of timethat I can interact and spend
with my family and then.
So now I still definitely getthose feelings, though after I
have to really enforce theboundaries and turn something
(15:45):
down because, oh, that's oneperson I wasn't able to help or
I know they were disappointed.
And so to short story, like Irecently had that happen in a
situation where I wasn't goingto be able to provide an hour
meeting per week for someone whoneeded that hour because my
schedule was just maxed out.
And when I communicated that tothe person in their liaison,
(16:08):
the liaison was like it's justan hour, you can't accommodate
an hour.
And when I, like, opened mycalendar and saw all the colors
and all of the things going on,like no, I could not find an
hour because then I would befurther kind of dipping into my
reserve that I have for me thatI need to exist so that I can
really show up for my family andthose around me.
(16:30):
So I think you know continuingto take those pauses every
single day and weigh out whatare my goals, like, what are the
things that I want toaccomplish?
What do I find to be the mostfulfilling for me?
How can I incorporate thosemore into my life?
(16:50):
So then, if I do have to staythose extra hours at work, well,
what am I doing that for?
Am I doing that because that'sgoing to free up a couple extra
hours for me and I can leaveearly on Friday?
Or is that just because I'mplacing this kind of expectation
on myself to be a doer and ago-getter?
So yeah, I love that.
(17:10):
You really kind of likedifferentiate that and explain
that it's a journey, it's not asprint.
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (17:15):
Like every day is going to be kind of
continuing to think aboutliving authentically and for a
lot of people, it creates evenmore anxiety or more feelings of
panic when they can't do thesethings.
I can see that If you're beingauthentic to yourself and you're
thinking OK, these are feelingsthat I want to work on.
(17:37):
Maybe the answer is to staythose extra hours, even if you
don't get off early on Friday.
It's just it's so differentperson to person.
Thank you for sharing that.
I love to.
I loved hearing about thatabsolutely, and while kind of.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (17:55):
While we're on the topic of like
navigating relationships, I'mgonna throw you a curveball.
Um, the thing that comes to mymind is if you are in a current
relationship or you've ever beenin a relationship with, uh,
someone who has narcissisticpersonality disorder, you may,
or may not have been programmedto think that anything that you
want makes you selfish.
(18:16):
Any boundary or preference thatyou have makes you selfish.
So do you have any guidance orthoughts on how someone can
really overcome that kind ofpre-programming from their
previous narcissisticrelationship, or maybe even a
current one, to start with thatkind of authenticity?
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (18:38):
Great, great question about someone
who is in a relationship with anarcissistic partner, because
that programming is reallystrong and I won't get fully
into that.
But I think what I would say tothem is this is going to be a
(18:59):
process, just like it was aprocess for you to learn all of
your partner's behaviors andneeds and just like you were
probably predicting what theywere going to do and their
responses.
It's going to take you a whileto get back to yourself, and
(19:23):
that's okay.
And while you're learning to beauthentic to yourself, what
that means for you is going tochange.
Right now, it may feel moreauthentic to not be around a
(19:44):
whole bunch of people.
In three years it may feel moreauthentic to surround yourself
with very specific people and bechoosy about who you surround
yourself with, but it's going tobe a lifelong process because
what you're doing is unlearningand then very slowly learning
(20:07):
all of the different aspects oflife, like self-worth,
self-confidence, grace that alot of people coming into this
work may already be familiarwith.
So it's going to take you awhile to get back to all of that
(20:31):
and all of it is going to bepractice, and with practice
comes permanence right.
So the more you practice it,the more second nature it's
going to feel.
Just keep coming back to thework.
Allow yourself to mess up Ifyou need to.
People, please for a while,it's okay.
(20:53):
That's what's authentic to you,that's what's going to bring
you the most inner peace.
That's not to say let's notlook at breaking those habits.
But your journey is going tolook much different than other
people's journeys.
It's going to be in muchsmaller steps and the successes
are going to be much morecelebratory, because you're
(21:17):
coming back to yourself.
You're owning yourself again.
You are not living for somebodyelse anymore.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (21:23):
I love that you mentioned the small
steps, because I think that'sanother kind of toxic behavior
that we as a society have.
When we are, you know, workingon ourselves or we're really
working on anything, whetherit's our house or you name it we
look at the steps, we look atour progress and then we do the
awful thing of making acomparison, and as humans, we
(21:48):
are psychologically wired tomake comparisons.
There's no way to stop makingcomparisons.
That's how we learn about theworld around us.
That's how we again develop ourcore belief system of how do
you behave at school, how do youbehave at work, how do you
behave at home.
Comparisons are always going tohappen.
It's what you do with thatcomparison that really changes
(22:11):
your kind of life trajectory andwhat you value, and you know
how you go through your day today.
Are you going to use thatcomparison to feel bad about
yourself or to shame yourself?
Or, oh, look at all of thosenice things that they have.
They're so much better thanwhat I have.
Or are you going to use thatcomparison as a motivator to go
(22:31):
out, set those goals andaccomplish those goals, like
being more authentic, and youknow, really going on that
journey?
So, while you may compareyourself to other folks who are
practicing mindfulness andthey're doing yoga, resist the
urge to see the work thatthey're doing and think that
(22:53):
that negates anything about youand your progress.
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (22:56):
That's exactly right, and I just,
Instagram speeds things up,TikTok speeds things up a
hundred times faster than theyreally should be done.
So you know, you have peoplewho are talking about their own
mental health journeys or theirown authenticity journeys on
those platforms and I think whatpeople really forget is that
(23:19):
they didn't wake up one day andjust decide to be like that and
if they have, they haven't donethe work.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (23:29):
No, absolutely.
I could not agree more.
So then, thinking aboutauthenticity and kind of the
broader picture, how can livingauthentic this word I knew it
was eventually going to how canliving authentically contribute
to broader social change orinfluence societal norms?
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (23:52):
You know, I know that there are two
different schools of thought, orat least I've heard that there
are two different schools ofthought when I speak to my
colleagues about this but Idon't think that that is
something that livingauthentically can really provide
(24:14):
, because it's not an externalexercise, it's not.
The point of livingauthentically isn't to impact
people around you.
It really is this internal,self-focused practice that you
just have to keep coming back to.
So it's true that you may endup being an example for other
(24:38):
people.
People may look to you as anexample of how to hold
boundaries or as an example ofhow to live a pleasurable life,
how to get the most out of life,and that's great because that
part is going to impact society.
(24:59):
I know that there's a movementright now in corporate America
where millennial I'm sorry,where Gen Z is coming into the
workforce, and betweenmillennials and Gen Z there is a
push to not stay over, not workmore.
(25:19):
There is a push not to bebullied or give into a toxic
work environment, and a lot ofthat, I think, has to do with
living authentically.
A lot of that has to do withlooking at how work culture was
impacting people internally andpeople's mental health and there
(25:42):
was a desire for it to stop soin those ways it absolutely can.
But when you're starting topractice living authentically
and when you're continuing withthat in your life, I don't think
that there is an end goal tochange society or be a catalyst
(26:05):
for that change.
But, like I said, the outcomesof living authentically may do
that.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (26:14):
That makes a lot of sense.
It really does.
So you do this.
This is what you do.
You help people to live moreauthentically.
I'm so excited to share thatRebecca is actually joining us
on our new adventure with KinderMind Coaching actually joining
(26:35):
us on our new adventure withKinder Mind Coaching.
So she will be coming to KinderMind Coaching and offering her
services with us.
Look for that to launch withinthe next month.
We will definitely updateeveryone once it does and I hope
you all will check it out andget started on working on
yourself and becoming moreauthentic.
Rebecca, are there any kind ofparting words you'd like for our
listeners to hear?
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (26:56):
I am super excited to start with
kinder mind and I'm superexcited to start working with
you and the clients and peoplewho are, who are ready to jump
into this.
Yeah.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (27:11):
Wonderful Well, it was so nice having you
on the podcast today.
I thank you so much for yourtime and all your wonderful
insight.
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (27:19):
You too Be well.
Right, okay, let me make my notes
bigger.
Thanks so much for joining usfor another episode of the
Kinder Mind podcast.
Today we're exploring, livingauthentically.
We're here with guest speakerRebecca Fink, life coach.
(00:22):
Thank you so much for joiningus today, rebecca.
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (00:26):
Thank you, I'm excited to get into it.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (00:29):
Absolutely so.
Thinking about this topic ofliving authentically, what do
you define as livingauthentically?
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (00:39):
Really what living authentically is?
A pattern.
It's a pattern of habits anddecisions that come from a
really deeper than normal review, and more so than just
reviewing, but anacknowledgement of what comes up
for you as you live yourday-to-day life, as you make
decisions, as you're confrontedwith interactions and go through
(01:03):
everything you would normallygo through.
In other words, it's being ableto engage with people in the
world in a way that brings youvery sustainable peace.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (01:15):
Thanks so much for sharing that.
So, thinking about peace andkind of the way of the world
today, what does it mean forsomeone to be true to themselves
and, you know, live their livesin authenticity?
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (01:31):
That's going to look different for
everybody.
You know I'm sure you've heardthe phrase everyone you meet has
their own story and all of that, but it is, it's so true.
Really, what I think being trueto yourself is is doing what
you need to do to allow yourselfto feel comfortable, accepting
(01:52):
the reactions and emotions thatcome up for you again just
during the course of day-to-daylife, and then understanding how
those reactions and emotionsguide your next steps.
How do they impact thedecisions that you make?
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (02:08):
So then, thinking about differences, I
know we hear, like you said,being true to yourself and
authenticity and being genuine.
Are there any differencesbetween authenticity and just
simply being genuine?
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (02:24):
Yeah, yeah.
So a lot of times they're usedinterchangeably and honestly,
it's not a huge deal that theyare.
But if you really want to getinto it, being genuine is more
how you relate to others, whilebeing authentic is a very inward
reflection.
It's how being authentic is howyou express your inner self to
(02:48):
the outer world, and in order todo that, you really have to do
the inner work.
So genuine is more outer self.
Being authentic is more innerself.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (03:01):
Thank you so much for distinguishing that
full transparency.
I did not know that differencebefore today, so that's super
helpful.
To think of it from a lens oflike authenticity and living
authentically is really youfocused You're the driver in the
seat for that, whereas beinggenuine is more for others and
those types of connections andwhat that looks like.
(03:22):
So thank you for that.
Sure, what are some commonbarriers that people may face
when they're trying to liveauthentically?
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (03:30):
Oh my gosh, there are so many.
Because it's hard, it's reallydifficult to accomplish
authentic living and it's alwaysa process there is no.
You know, I've done this forseven years and now I live
authentically every day.
No, it's a living, breathingprocess that goes throughout
(03:51):
your whole life.
But I think one of the mostcommon barriers is just the
desire for positive input.
I mean this can be even fromyour own internal messaging, for
instance.
I know a lot of people willtake on more right.
More work went super well.
(04:11):
Everybody's talking about itfor years.
Or maybe your friend feels justso much better, so much more
unburdened after you talk, andthat gives you a sense of
(04:34):
accomplishment and sense of joy.
Or you were really successfulin that project at work.
You got a huge promotion, yougot a raise, wonderful things
happen to you and that projectat work, you got a huge
promotion, you got a raise,wonderful things happen to you
and that's wonderful and it canbe life changing.
But it's possible that at thesame time you didn't really want
to do those things.
(04:54):
And that's where a big barrierto living authentically comes in
, because you're getting all ofthese positive messages, these
positive messages, you'regetting all of these wonderful
rewards, but you didn't reallywant to do those things in the
first place, so they made youfeel a little uncomfortable, or
they made you feel a little bitanxious about the amount that
(05:16):
you were taking on to your ownplate.
So I think that that desire forpositive input while it's a
great thing usually, actually inthis case can be one of the
most common barriers.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (05:32):
That definitely leads me to my next
question.
So it's about barriers andexpectations and pressures.
How does societal expectationsand external pressures impact
our ability to be authentic?
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (05:46):
Oh my gosh, I mean in every way, in
every single way you can thinkof.
I typically hearken back whenI'm thinking about this to one
of the very first things that Ilearned as a professional, and
that is that we all grow up insome kind of community.
(06:07):
And as we're growing up, one ofthe things that, if you're
familiar with Maslow, maslow'shierarchy of needs, so we all
grow up in some kind ofcommunity and one of the most
basic needs that we have, fromthe time that we're a teeny
little kid, is to feel a senseof belonging, to know who is
(06:29):
responsible to us, who is goingto address us when we're crying
or we feel bad or we need to eat, who's going to get their needs
met.
And we adjust our behaviors.
We end up adjusting our viewsand our language, almost
everything that we have to getthose needs met and to please
(06:51):
the people who are meeting thoseneeds for us, because that's
how we get them met right.
If we're in good standing withthese providers, then they will
bring us the things that we knowwe need and after a while,
these just become habits.
These just become habits.
Your views, your behavior, yourlanguage, your responses, your
(07:12):
decisions all of this justbecome your habits and sometimes
who we are or who we want to bereally can get lost in these
habits.
And I mean we can circle backfrom here to the question that
you asked me about barriers.
Some of these habits may resultin positive feedback, and
(07:34):
everybody loves to feel that.
Everybody loves to feel that.
So the expectations thatsociety puts on us that really
develop into these behaviors andviews and language, and the
pressures that society puts onus to meet their expectations
really do impact our ability tobe authentic.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (07:58):
That makes a lot of sense.
Like you mentioned, getting ourneeds met and how we adjust our
core belief system and the waywe view and approach the world.
That fear of judgment orrejection Always.
I know tons of folks out thereare fellow people pleasers and
really overcoming that behaviorcan be a lifelong battle if
(08:19):
that's a behavior that you'vedeveloped out of needing to seek
approval and things like thatdeveloped out of needing to seek
approval and things like that.
So what are some of the keybenefits of living authentically
from a mental and emotionalwell-being standpoint?
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (08:33):
You know I think less burnout, less
personal burnout.
I know we talk about that a lotwith work, but less personal
burnout, I personally think, isnumber one In its most basic
form.
Living authentically is justliving in a way that gives
yourself the same leeway andgrace that you probably give
other people every single day.
We're constantly surrounded byanswers.
(08:57):
We're constantly surrounded bythis is the right thing to do,
and that's exhausting.
It is exhausting to try to meetthose expectations that you
don't hold anybody else to, andI think that once you do start
(09:17):
giving yourself grace and onceyou do start understanding why
you're making decisions and thatyou don't have to make those
same decisions, it'll increaseself-confidence, self-regulation
, self-acceptance, all of thesethings that burnout slowly kind
of takes away from you.
Just in short, it has thepotential to bring this deep
(09:41):
sense of peace within yourselfand within the way you shape
your life, for as long as youpractice it.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (09:50):
So now for the hidden secrets that I know
that you're sitting on becauseyou're a life coach and this is
what you do, and you help peopleto live more authentically.
What practical steps can wetake to start living more
authentically and really be moretrue to ourselves?
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (10:10):
I think the best first step is
mindfulness and I know it'seasier said than done, but
really, at its most basic form,all mindfulness is is taking
note.
Right as you go through yourlife, just start to take note of
the things that you're doingand how you're feeling, making
(10:32):
the decisions or doing differenttasks within your life.
I think that if you giveyourself that moment of
mindfulness, that moment oftaking note, you'll find that
perhaps you don't really want tocook this for dinner.
It's a little too complicated.
You'll find surprising answers.
(10:53):
You don't really want to docarpool on Wednesday or that
extra couple hours that you aregoing to do at work.
That really aren't a problem.
It's not what you truly want.
It's giving you a little bit ofpause.
Your shoulders are squeezing intowards each other.
You're schlumping a little bitmore than you usually do.
(11:16):
You know any slew of physicalmanifestation that could be
clues for you.
Just take note of them all andsee what you come up with.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (11:31):
I really love that recommendation
(11:52):
no-transcript, really checkingin with yourself, your
environment, your surroundings,taking time to smell the roses.
I think this is a great use ofthat analogy not letting things
just kind of pass you by, likeit's not allowing life to become
so routine that you just becomeexpected to do the things that
(12:12):
you do and so thinking aboutexpectations and these barriers
and things that are placed onyou.
How could someone maintainauthenticity while navigating
complex relationships like withfamily or work?
You mentioned, like maybe notstaying late, or maybe I don't
want to do carpool on Wednesdays, so like, how do you navigate
(12:33):
that?
How do you now navigate it in away to where you can live more
authentically?
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (12:40):
I mean , that is really the crux of
everybody's goal when I meetwith them.
So it's a great question, andthere can be aspects of living
authentically that are going toimpact other people in ways that
they don't really like or theypanic about and that can come
(13:03):
back to you as a really negativeinteraction.
Boundaries are a positive thing, whether that be the boundaries
that you're realizing youreally do need to keep when you
have this authentic view ofyourselves, especially for
(13:23):
complex and work dynamics andworking through those boundaries
, really holding them there.
Now, keep in mind, livingauthentically doesn't mean do
whatever you want whenever youwant, and here are the tools to
kind of rationalize those.
You can still do the things thatyou're not super excited about.
(13:45):
You can still stay two or threehours overtime at work, but you
can still volunteer to throwthat party for a friend.
The difference is that you'remaking a very self-aware,
intentional decision.
So, while the goal of livingauthentically is to create this
(14:07):
inner peace, it is a big ask totell somebody hey, now that you
have this tool, you shouldalways feel inner peace.
It's a practice.
It's a practice that you cankeep coming back to and maybe
the authentic decision is Ireally need to stay for an extra
(14:28):
hour or I really do need tostep away and take this call,
but you're doing it in a veryself-aware, intentional way.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (14:41):
I love that you talk about like
intentionality and even givingyourself, you know, permission
to make these choices.
That might not exactly be whatyou want to do and how it's
really a journey.
It's not something that you canjust use as an excuse to stop
doing all of the things.
I know we've talked about thepeople pleasing thing, and
that's definitely something thatI've become more aware of, I
(15:04):
think, as I'm getting older.
You know being way moreprotective with my time, when
typically, I want to help asmany people as I can, I want to
do as much as I can, so then Iwould habitually stack my plate
with this mountain of stuff thatthere's no way I could humanly
possibly accomplish and then, Ireally had to take a pause and
(15:24):
look around me and see who isthis negatively impacting?
Well, it's impacting me.
I have no time for self-care,impacting my family.
I have a reduced amount of timethat I can interact and spend
with my family and then.
So now I still definitely getthose feelings, though after I
have to really enforce theboundaries and turn something
(15:45):
down because, oh, that's oneperson I wasn't able to help or
I know they were disappointed.
And so to short story, like Irecently had that happen in a
situation where I wasn't goingto be able to provide an hour
meeting per week for someone whoneeded that hour because my
schedule was just maxed out.
And when I communicated that tothe person in their liaison,
(16:08):
the liaison was like it's justan hour, you can't accommodate
an hour.
And when I, like, opened mycalendar and saw all the colors
and all of the things going on,like no, I could not find an
hour because then I would befurther kind of dipping into my
reserve that I have for me thatI need to exist so that I can
really show up for my family andthose around me.
(16:30):
So I think you know continuingto take those pauses every
single day and weigh out whatare my goals, like, what are the
things that I want toaccomplish?
What do I find to be the mostfulfilling for me?
How can I incorporate thosemore into my life?
(16:50):
So then, if I do have to staythose extra hours at work, well,
what am I doing that for?
Am I doing that because that'sgoing to free up a couple extra
hours for me and I can leaveearly on Friday?
Or is that just because I'mplacing this kind of expectation
on myself to be a doer and ago-getter?
So yeah, I love that.
(17:10):
You really kind of likedifferentiate that and explain
that it's a journey, it's not asprint.
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (17:15):
Like every day is going to be kind of
continuing to think aboutliving authentically and for a
lot of people, it creates evenmore anxiety or more feelings of
panic when they can't do thesethings.
I can see that If you're beingauthentic to yourself and you're
thinking OK, these are feelingsthat I want to work on.
(17:37):
Maybe the answer is to staythose extra hours, even if you
don't get off early on Friday.
It's just it's so differentperson to person.
Thank you for sharing that.
I love to.
I loved hearing about thatabsolutely, and while kind of.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (17:55):
While we're on the topic of like
navigating relationships, I'mgonna throw you a curveball.
Um, the thing that comes to mymind is if you are in a current
relationship or you've ever beenin a relationship with, uh,
someone who has narcissisticpersonality disorder, you may,
or may not have been programmedto think that anything that you
want makes you selfish.
(18:16):
Any boundary or preference thatyou have makes you selfish.
So do you have any guidance orthoughts on how someone can
really overcome that kind ofpre-programming from their
previous narcissisticrelationship, or maybe even a
current one, to start with thatkind of authenticity?
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (18:38):
Great, great question about someone
who is in a relationship with anarcissistic partner, because
that programming is reallystrong and I won't get fully
into that.
But I think what I would say tothem is this is going to be a
(18:59):
process, just like it was aprocess for you to learn all of
your partner's behaviors andneeds and just like you were
probably predicting what theywere going to do and their
responses.
It's going to take you a whileto get back to yourself, and
(19:23):
that's okay.
And while you're learning to beauthentic to yourself, what
that means for you is going tochange.
Right now, it may feel moreauthentic to not be around a
(19:44):
whole bunch of people.
In three years it may feel moreauthentic to surround yourself
with very specific people and bechoosy about who you surround
yourself with, but it's going tobe a lifelong process because
what you're doing is unlearningand then very slowly learning
(20:07):
all of the different aspects oflife, like self-worth,
self-confidence, grace that alot of people coming into this
work may already be familiarwith.
So it's going to take you awhile to get back to all of that
(20:31):
and all of it is going to bepractice, and with practice
comes permanence right.
So the more you practice it,the more second nature it's
going to feel.
Just keep coming back to thework.
Allow yourself to mess up Ifyou need to.
People, please for a while,it's okay.
(20:53):
That's what's authentic to you,that's what's going to bring
you the most inner peace.
That's not to say let's notlook at breaking those habits.
But your journey is going tolook much different than other
people's journeys.
It's going to be in muchsmaller steps and the successes
are going to be much morecelebratory, because you're
(21:17):
coming back to yourself.
You're owning yourself again.
You are not living for somebodyelse anymore.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (21:23):
I love that you mentioned the small
steps, because I think that'sanother kind of toxic behavior
that we as a society have.
When we are, you know, workingon ourselves or we're really
working on anything, whetherit's our house or you name it we
look at the steps, we look atour progress and then we do the
awful thing of making acomparison, and as humans, we
(21:48):
are psychologically wired tomake comparisons.
There's no way to stop makingcomparisons.
That's how we learn about theworld around us.
That's how we again develop ourcore belief system of how do
you behave at school, how do youbehave at work, how do you
behave at home.
Comparisons are always going tohappen.
It's what you do with thatcomparison that really changes
(22:11):
your kind of life trajectory andwhat you value, and you know
how you go through your day today.
Are you going to use thatcomparison to feel bad about
yourself or to shame yourself?
Or, oh, look at all of thosenice things that they have.
They're so much better thanwhat I have.
Or are you going to use thatcomparison as a motivator to go
(22:31):
out, set those goals andaccomplish those goals, like
being more authentic, and youknow, really going on that
journey?
So, while you may compareyourself to other folks who are
practicing mindfulness andthey're doing yoga, resist the
urge to see the work thatthey're doing and think that
(22:53):
that negates anything about youand your progress.
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (22:56):
That's exactly right, and I just,
Instagram speeds things up,TikTok speeds things up a
hundred times faster than theyreally should be done.
So you know, you have peoplewho are talking about their own
mental health journeys or theirown authenticity journeys on
those platforms and I think whatpeople really forget is that
(23:19):
they didn't wake up one day andjust decide to be like that and
if they have, they haven't donethe work.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (23:29):
No, absolutely.
I could not agree more.
So then, thinking aboutauthenticity and kind of the
broader picture, how can livingauthentic this word I knew it
was eventually going to how canliving authentically contribute
to broader social change orinfluence societal norms?
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (23:52):
You know, I know that there are two
different schools of thought, orat least I've heard that there
are two different schools ofthought when I speak to my
colleagues about this but Idon't think that that is
something that livingauthentically can really provide
(24:14):
, because it's not an externalexercise, it's not.
The point of livingauthentically isn't to impact
people around you.
It really is this internal,self-focused practice that you
just have to keep coming back to.
So it's true that you may endup being an example for other
(24:38):
people.
People may look to you as anexample of how to hold
boundaries or as an example ofhow to live a pleasurable life,
how to get the most out of life,and that's great because that
part is going to impact society.
(24:59):
I know that there's a movementright now in corporate America
where millennial I'm sorry,where Gen Z is coming into the
workforce, and betweenmillennials and Gen Z there is a
push to not stay over, not workmore.
(25:19):
There is a push not to bebullied or give into a toxic
work environment, and a lot ofthat, I think, has to do with
living authentically.
A lot of that has to do withlooking at how work culture was
impacting people internally andpeople's mental health and there
(25:42):
was a desire for it to stop soin those ways it absolutely can.
But when you're starting topractice living authentically
and when you're continuing withthat in your life, I don't think
that there is an end goal tochange society or be a catalyst
(26:05):
for that change.
But, like I said, the outcomesof living authentically may do
that.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (26:14):
That makes a lot of sense.
It really does.
So you do this.
This is what you do.
You help people to live moreauthentically.
I'm so excited to share thatRebecca is actually joining us
on our new adventure with KinderMind Coaching actually joining
(26:35):
us on our new adventure withKinder Mind Coaching.
So she will be coming to KinderMind Coaching and offering her
services with us.
Look for that to launch withinthe next month.
We will definitely updateeveryone once it does and I hope
you all will check it out andget started on working on
yourself and becoming moreauthentic.
Rebecca, are there any kind ofparting words you'd like for our
listeners to hear?
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (26:56):
I am super excited to start with
kinder mind and I'm superexcited to start working with
you and the clients and peoplewho are, who are ready to jump
into this.
Yeah.
Dr. Elizabeth Barlow (27:11):
Wonderful Well, it was so nice having you
on the podcast today.
I thank you so much for yourtime and all your wonderful
insight.
Rebecca Fink, Life Coach (27:19):
You too Be well.
Popular Podcasts
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.