October 25, 2024 • 32 mins
Can loneliness and reconciliation truly shape our lives in profound ways? Join me and life coach Sage Dai as we untangle the complexities of these deeply human experiences. We differentiate the persistent discomfort of loneliness from the simple act of being alone, exploring how even a room full of people can feel isolating. Our conversation sheds light on the mental and physical health risks tied to prolonged loneliness, underscoring the necessity of a supportive network to foster emotional well-being.
Reaching out to mend fractured relationships is no easy task, as Sage and I acknowledge the hurdles of reconciliation. Delve into the dynamics of forgiveness, empathy, and accountability as we share personal stories—including the journey of reconnecting with an ex-spouse. This process is as much about personal healing and growth as it is about mending the connection with others. We remind listeners that while you can control your efforts towards reconciliation, the outcome is often a lesson in patience and acceptance.
Our discussion evolves into the empowering realm of solitude and self-reflection. Discover practical strategies like therapy, journaling, and the role of life coaches in navigating loneliness and the path to reconciliation. Discipline is championed over motivation, and we offer tools like positive affirmations to maintain a healthy mindset. For those seeking further guidance, Sage remains available at kindermindcoaching.com, ready to assist anyone on their journey toward emotional resilience and meaningful connections.
References:
American Medical Association. (n.d.). What doctors wish patients knew about loneliness and health. American Medical Association. https://www.ama-assn.org/delivering-care/public-health/what-doctors-wish-patients-knew-about-loneliness-and-health
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Thank you so much to our Kinder mind podcast
listeners for joining us foranother episode of the
Kindermind podcast.
I'm here today with Sage D,life coach, and we are exploring
loneliness and reconciliation.
Thank you so much for joiningus today, Sage.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm excited.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
I'm excited too, so let's dive into this topic,
really, just starting out withhow do you define loneliness and
what are some commonmisconceptions about it?
Speaker 2 (00:32):
For me personally, sadness I believe to be not just
an emotion but also a mentalconnection.
Sadness can stem from certainexperiences that we've had,
whether that's presentexperiences or past experiences,
or even things that we maythink about in the future.
So I believe to.
(00:52):
For me, sadness is just more ofa state of mind, right?
So something that's happened inyour life whether you've gone
through a divorce, whetheryou've lost a significant other
divorce, whether you've lost asignificant other that would
impose sadness, that emotion ofgrief, hurt, pain, that sort of
(01:18):
thing, and loneliness is more ofa duration, whereas there's
moments where you can feel sadand then there's moments where
it's okay.
I feel lonely.
Right now I don't have anyonephysically with me to comfort me
or physically with me toencourage me, or I feel lonely
because I don't fit in to acertain space, right or with
certain individuals, and thatcan also make us feel lonely.
(01:39):
But what I noticed when Ilooked it up is loneliness is
the state of distress ordiscomfort.
So anytime we feeluncomfortable can also stimulate
the feeling of loneliness.
And that was something that Ithought was very interesting,
how it said the word discomfort,and that's something that stood
(02:01):
out to me very intensely, so Iwanted to dive into that
discomfort, if that's OKsurprise is Brene Brown and her
(02:27):
book Atlas of the Heart and herHBO special about Atlas of the
Heart.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
She really dives into the words that we use to
describe our feelings andemotions and what those mean and
what those look like.
So, yes, absolutely, let's divein, like you said, to
discomfort.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
So that's something that stuck to me a lot, because
I, like many other people, havebattled with and still do at
times with depression, andsometimes depression can come
across as what we believe to be,as physical someone who may be
(03:02):
in the bed for long periods oftimes, not eating, not bathing,
which are all things that are apart of depression.
But deep down in depression,it's discomfort.
There's an emotional discomfort, there's a mental discomfort
where it disrupts us fromfunctioning from day to day and
that's something that I believeis what keeps us in that
(03:24):
loneliness is the discomfort,because we may dwell on it, like
, oh, like I don't feel normaltoday.
I haven't felt normal for weeks, months, years, and we focus on
those one tunnel vision thingswhere it's, yeah, I, my loved
one, left me, or I lost my job,I lost my health, whatever that
(03:47):
main focus may be and that cancause upon that discomfort where
we sit in that, versus uscoming to terms like, hey, like
I'm not, I need help, a supportsystem, a support team.
That's also what helps us toovercome loneliness is having a
support team, but I know we'llget into that a little bit
(04:07):
further on with your questions,but that's what discomfort is.
We focus on the discomfort thatextends that duration of
loneliness.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
That makes a lot of sense.
Thank you for clarifying andlike laying that out.
Sue, tell me what is thedifference between loneliness
and just being alone?
Where's the differentiationthere?
Speaker 2 (04:33):
The difference between loneliness and being
alone.
Most of us experience being ina room full of people and still
feeling alone.
I believe it's just adisconnect.
Some of us are not very good atbeing social, right, and that's
not just okay.
I'm introverted, but it's alsoI'm not really good at carrying
on a conversation.
(04:53):
I'm not really good atinitiating a conversation.
So there's moments when you canbe in a space where you're full
of people, there's physicalpeople being there, but you're
just still feeling alone becausemaybe you feel unheard, maybe
you feel unseen or we feelunwanted, whatever that may be,
and that can also be lonelinessversus physically being alone in
(05:16):
a space where no one's there.
And being alone doesn't meanthat you're lonely.
Right, you can be alone andenjoy that space by yourself.
Hey, like I'm having a goodtime, like I know, for me as a
mother, it's good to have thatalone time.
Sometimes it's really good tojust shower by yourself and not
have any interruptions, and youcan eat a meal by yourself.
(05:36):
Being alone doesn't necessarilymean it's a bad thing, but we
can feel loneliness when wedon't feel connected to people.
And if we don't havefriendships right, don't have
friend groups, or we don't have,like I said before, a support
system, whether that's family,friends or coworkers or if we go
(05:58):
to different events.
Those types of things can helpfeed the loneliness if we're not
necessarily interacting withpeople who we care about or
having individuals who we careabout interact with us.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
So how can prolonged loneliness affect a person's
mental and physical health?
I know that you mentioneddepression.
Are there other things thatcome to mind that could be a
consequence of prolongedloneliness?
Speaker 2 (06:30):
There's an American Medical Association and there
was a doctor that was speakingthere, and he mentions there is
some evidence to note thatpeople who are experiencing
social isolation and lonelinesshave increased risk for
premature death.
He continues here and sayssocial isolation and loneliness
(06:52):
were associated with a 29%increased risk of heart disease
and a 32% risk of stroke.
So loneliness does have someother physical effects on us,
not just depression or anxiety.
Those types of things can alsostem from loneliness as well.
(07:13):
But that's pretty interestingthat I never did correlate
loneliness with heart disease ora stroke.
And then he goes on further andmentions that social isolation
and loneliness lead to higherrisk of high blood pressure,
heart disease, obesity, anxiety,depression, memory issues and
(07:35):
even death.
There are definitely physicalaspects that take on or that
come from loneliness, and thatis something that this country
faces quite frequently, or thisworld, this society, not just
this country, but definitely inAmerica.
It's very intense here withloneliness, even though we have
(07:56):
social media, but a lot of usare not very social even though
we have these different outletsto be social.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
I could not agree more.
And then there's lots ofnegative consequences that come
from social media as well, andthank you for bringing up that
research.
That sounds super interesting.
I'm a nerd for research, so Iwould love it if you could share
that article.
I'll be sure that we includethat on the podcast for any of
our listeners to check out andread, as well as give credit to
the author.
What practical steps canindividuals take to manage or
(08:29):
overcome feelings of loneliness?
I know that you made a reallygreat recommendation earlier
talking about that connection.
It's a support system, so couldyou talk about that a little
more?
Speaker 2 (08:40):
Speaking from experience, whenever I was going
through my intense depression,I had to think back to what I
enjoyed, right.
So for me, I like to dance, andthat was a great outlet for me
to look beyond my currentcircumstances that I was facing
(09:03):
at that time.
My current circumstances that Iwas facing at that time and I
think that's something that'svery important for all of us to
do is to pause and just thinkback.
What do I enjoy, whether that'spainting or writing, or reading
or walking, whatever that maybe.
For that individual, it'simportant to pause and to get
back to those things, becausethat's going to spark more joy,
(09:28):
that's going to spark morehealing and, especially if
you're someone who's in aposition, who's not able to get
professional help from atherapist, it's crucial to be
able to think outside the boxand do things for yourself, as
like just going for a walkoutside, getting some nature,
getting some sunshine, seeingwhat's around you the flowers,
(09:50):
the birds, the insects that kindof helps reset your mind and,
for a little bit of an endorphinhealth the natural one, anyways
.
So I would suggest to anyonewho's currently experiencing
these things of loneliness andanxiety or depression try to
(10:11):
think back to what it was thatbrought you joy, whether that's
when you were a child or fromrecent times, months ago,
whatever it may be.
Get more involved in that,because that's what's going to
help trigger you to get otherhealthy outlets as well.
So that would be my mainsuggestion is pause for a second
(10:34):
and think about what it is thatyou enjoy and get into that.
Some people it was knitting,quilting, just something to do
with your hands, and that's whatI would suggest for anybody
who's experiencing this rightnow.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
I love those recommendations.
I think it and really try to,like you mentioned, remember
what makes you happy.
(11:08):
It can be something small.
You stated like knitting orhobbies, art, dancing, things
that bring you joy and engagingin those, and maybe you're
engaging with those on your ownand you're working your way up
to now, incorporating otherpeople into those eventually, so
you don't have to take that bigscary leap all at once where
(11:31):
I'm gonna go to a full-blownlike zumba class with a bunch of
other people oh, maybe you'redancing at home to your music
and you're taking those babysteps of feeling better.
So I love those recommendations.
Thanks so much for sharing that.
So I know that when we'relonely and we're struggling with
loneliness and depression, weisolate, we pull away from
(11:55):
others.
We go weeks, months, yearswithout communicating with our
family or friends and it can bedifficult to reconcile those
relationships.
How can someone approachreconciling those relationships
with friends or family memberswith whom they've lost touch or
had conflicts?
Speaker 2 (12:15):
So reconciliation will look different from person
to person.
Based off of the experience onehad reconciliation versus
someone who is reconciling witha friend they've known for years
but they haven't spoken to themfor, say, five years because of
(12:46):
a falling out it's going tolook a little bit different.
I've noticed that when it comesto reconciliation, there's
usually a base of fear, a fearfrom being rejected by the
person who you're trying toreconnect with, or wondering if
you're making the right decision, or wondering if it's even
(13:08):
going to work out.
Acknowledging that there's goingto be a possibility of this
person not receiving you is veryimportant for us to think about
, ponder on and, based off ofone's experience, whether they
had a traumatic experience fromthem falling out or could be,
(13:30):
like I said, someone who hasn'tmet these individuals and
they're trying to reconcile.
It's going in with more of anopen mind and if you're coming
in to a reconciliation whereyou've met these people, you've
known this person or theseindividuals for a while and
you're just reconnecting, Iwould say forgiveness is
(13:51):
important, whether you're tryingto forgive this other person or
forgive yourself, being veryempathetic, being understanding
of the circumstances, beingaccountable for whether your
actions or giving this otherperson, the space to be
accountable is all there's totaking consideration, because I
(14:15):
myself am working throughreconciliation right now with my
ex-husband and that looksdifferent because I've known him
for years.
But now it's a little bitdifferent because there has been
some hurt, there has been someneglect in the past and we are
divorced now and who I was whenI met him is not who I am now.
(14:35):
So there's things that I haveto take into consideration now
with that reconciliation,because it's like, hey, I'm not
23 anymore, I'm 31 and I'm amother now and I know more of
myself now.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
So I have to not be accepted and if you are the
(15:20):
individual who needs to acceptthis other person, allow them
the space to apologize and allowthem the space to acknowledge
where they went wrong.
I think that's such animportant call out.
A lot of the times, I like totalk about the language we use
and the expectations we set, andI think that it's really
important to keep in mind whenyou are reconciling with someone
or trying to reconcile withsomeone, like you mentioned,
having that introspect and thatthought process around.
(15:41):
They don't have to accept yourapology.
There is a chance that thiswill not go well.
There's always that possibilitythat they will not bring you
back into their life and, reallylooking at, what ownership do I
have in their decision-makingprocess?
You have no ownership, you haveno control, and that's what's
so scary, because our want is tosomehow fix everything and make
(16:05):
it better, but that's notalways possible because it takes
two or more people in thatrelationship to reconcile.
And so I feel like for folksthat are working on
reconciliation or thinking aboutworking on reconciliation, it's
important to remember that theonly thing that you own in that
process are your words and youractions and your intentions.
(16:27):
That other person does not haveto reciprocate a forgiveness or
an apology or anything like that.
But that doesn't mean youshouldn't try.
I think the scariest thingabout really anything in life is
the unknown and the lack ofcontrol.
But certainly one of thebiggest kind of sayings that
goes into it all is you don'tknow unless you try.
(16:48):
And if that relationship was soimportant to you that you
desperately want to try to getit back, go see if you can.
And maybe it's not a never,maybe it's just a not right now.
Maybe that person isn't in aplace where they can accept your
apology or they can offerforgiveness or they can start
(17:09):
rebuilding a relationship.
So I would definitely say toanyone listening that might be
going through this is to keep anopen mind, pay really close
attention to your intent andthen realize that you only have
ownership of yourself and notthat other person to this person
or seeing this person, you haveto have patience and allowing
that individual to, like I said,share from where they were at
(17:48):
that point, because we allchange and evolve.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Hopefully, we're all changing and evolving in a
positive, healthy way.
And if that person does notaccept you or vice versa, don't
be disappointed, don't be angrybecause, like you said, you can
only control yourself.
You can't control that otherindividual and what they say,
how they say it, where they'resaying it, and don't dwell on
(18:12):
that either.
Focus on your healing and howfar you've come, how you've
matured, and move forward fromthere, because who we were
whenever we're in our 20s or 30s, whatever that may be, is not
the same as who we are currently.
So that's what I would also sayJust be patient and keep moving
(18:35):
.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
Keep moving.
I love that.
How can a life coach supportsomeone who's struggling with
loneliness and seekingreconciliation?
Speaker 2 (18:45):
Just by being a listening ear, mainly as a life
coach.
It's not really I can't speakfor all life coaches, but it's
definitely not my purpose to fixsomeone, and I know I strive to
fix people's situations.
I want to fix things, but Ican't fix anyone who doesn't
(19:06):
want to have help.
You can't help anyone whodoesn't want to be helped.
So as a life coach, it'simportant for me to be
empathetic, mostly just to beunderstanding where this
individual is coming from andwhat they are open to sharing
with me.
So being that good soundingboard, that good listening ear,
(19:30):
is how I can be of bestassistance to anyone who comes
to me as their life coach.
Because I'm not God, I cannotsnap my fingers and just correct
and heal everything in aninstant, but I can be a sounding
board and I can be encouraging.
I can help hold someoneaccountable to a degree.
(19:53):
So that's what I believe a lifecoach is most.
A life coach is just to be veryempathetic and being able to
(20:25):
relate to someone on that level.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
And I think that's a really great goal for any life
coach.
So I love that you've calledthat out.
What are some long-termstrategies for maintaining
meaningful connections andpreventing future feelings of
loneliness?
So, someone that has maybe donebattle with loneliness and
they're maybe still working ontheir reconciliations, what are
some things that they can ensurethat they continue to do or try
(20:51):
to do to negate that futureloneliness from setting in?
Speaker 2 (20:58):
I would say, when someone is becoming more aware
of themselves and they start tobe aware like hey look, I'm not
feeling that great today.
It's the same thing.
I won't say the exact samething, but it's similar to
depression, where it's once youcan acknowledge, I feel a little
off today, something's notright, I feel lonely.
(21:18):
That's when you have to go tothat again that activity,
whatever it may be.
And if we're in situations likehow it was when we were on
lockdown with COVID, I would say, finding still groups online
that you can still interact with.
If you're able to get atherapist, that's online.
(21:38):
Get a therapist online that youcan still interact with.
And journaling, do a lot ofjournaling until your little
hands can't write anymore,because it's a great way to
expose yourself and there's noone judging you for exposing
yourself.
Right, you're writing all youremotions down, whether those are
(21:59):
angry emotions, hatefulemotions, whether they're
depressive emotions, whatever itmay be.
Write it all down and then whatI like to do is, safely, is
burn them.
Write all those emotions outand burn them, because it's
something about seeing that burnis healing, it's evaporating
all of that tension that hurt,that pain in that very moment.
(22:23):
It's something about thevisible connection, to the
emotional connection where it's.
I'm not right now, but I'm goingto be, it's okay, it's just an
off day, I had an off moment orI had an off week.
We're all human.
It's not going to be an easylife.
It's not going to be the lifewhere you smile all the time and
(22:44):
laugh all the time and feelloved all the time.
But we can write how we feeland we can still be able to be
connected to others.
And that's one of the biggestblessings I think COVID did
bring to us is that even thoughwe can't always be physical with
one another, with our friends,and have big gatherings and all
(23:06):
these types of things, I canstill call, I can still FaceTime
or Zoom or do all these otherways to still stay connected,
and I think that can still bevery beneficial if used in a
very effective and healthy way.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
I completely agree and I like your recommendation
about journaling and burningthat and like just to make sure
that it never gets seen ifthat's stuff that you never want
seen by anybody else.
And I think it can be a reallygreat way if you choose to not
burn it and keep it in a journalor a diary for reflection, like
you can go back and see likewhere was I, what changed, what
(23:44):
helped, what didn't.
So, thinking about gaininginsight and moving on and
keeping that future motivation,how can someone reflect on their
experiences to gain deeperinsights into their needs and
desires and their socialconnectedness and stay motivated
?
Speaker 2 (24:06):
The thing about.
I don't mean the wordmotivation, what word?
Speaker 1 (24:13):
do you?
Speaker 2 (24:13):
put Discipline, Discipline okay.
Discipline is going to outweighyour motivation, because you're
not going to feel motivated mostdays, especially if you're
struggling with depression oranxiety or loneliness You're not
really going to feel motivated.
Or anxiety or loneliness you'renot really going to feel
motivated.
You're definitely going to havethe discipline to get up to do
(24:35):
the writing or even things likethis speaking to yourself.
It's awkward, but we all do it,right.
We all speak to ourselves andone of the things that I would
suggest is writing down thingsand then sticking it on your
mirror right Things that whetherit's something that you like
(24:55):
about yourself, things that youenjoy in life, things that you
hope for in life, even if youhave to lie about it, right,
Because if you're someone who'sstruggling with suicidal
thoughts or anything of thatnature, you're probably not
going to be hoping for a future.
But if you can write it downagain that visible connection,
you're seeing it and then you'resaying it out loud it does
affect your mental in a positiveway, because now you're telling
(25:19):
your brain what to think andyou're having that control
versus those thoughts or thosefeelings have the control over
you.
So I would say disciplinedefinitely outweighs the
motivation.
It's the same thing with goingto the gym.
If you have a goal of losingweight, gaining weight, whatever
it may be, you're not alwaysgoing to want to go to the gym.
(25:39):
I don't care if you're a gymhead.
You don't always want to go.
You have to get in the car anddrive there or bring your gym
equipment, do all this otherstuff.
I don't even want to do this.
But having the discipline toknow that I can become better, I
will become better, I want tobe better.
(26:00):
And by saying those things outloud to yourself positive
affirmations or a quote thatyou've seen, whether that's from
a magazine or a book orscripture, whatever it may be
say it out loud until you startto believe what you're reading
and that's really going to bevery helpful.
(26:20):
It takes time.
It's not like it's going tohappen in a day or a month, but
when you continuously arefeeding yourself that
affirmation of positivity,especially when you have no one
else around, that's going tomake a difference.
You have to discipline yourselfto root for yourself, even when
you don't want to.
(26:40):
That's easier said than done,but it's possible, because we
all battle with insecurities anddoubts and fears and weaknesses
and all kinds of negativity inthis world.
But coming to yourself, youhave to first be kind to
yourself.
I just said this whole systemis about learning to love
(27:07):
yourself, love your fellow manand knowing how you can give
back.
And it starts with us speakingkindly to ourselves and rooting
for ourselves until it becomes alifestyle.
And I'm a firm believer injournaling and writing stuff
down and sticking it on yourmirror and speaking to yourself
(27:28):
in the mirror like a weirdo.
This is what it is.
Get used to talking to yourself, because a lot of times it will
be just you alone, and that'sokay, because being alone
doesn't mean that you're failingor that you've made a mistake
or that you're unloved orunwanted.
It's just in this moment, you,you're alone, and at some point
(27:50):
you'll be encouraging somebodyelse who's going through
loneliness and all the otherthings of life.
Speaker 1 (27:57):
That's such a great call out about getting
comfortable talking to yourself,because I don't recall the
research.
I will definitely see if I canfind it but I did read research
when I was in grad school thattalked about how our voice is
the loudest voice and theprimary voice that our brain
listens to, because, think aboutit, we hear our voice more than
(28:21):
anybody else's voice in theworld.
So, thinking about the power ofthe spoken word, if we say
something like I'm so stupid,research shows that you actually
perform and are cognitivelymore delayed if you make those
statements about yourself.
So then you're supposed to thencatch yourself and say
(28:41):
something Actually I am notstupid, I'm not having the best
day, but I made a simple mistake.
I am a smart person.
Really, that positive self-talk, because if you say it, your
brain's going to believe it tobe true.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
Yeah, and it is something that is very time
consuming and believing,especially if you grew up around
individuals who put you down,whether that's family, friends,
society, whatever it may be.
So that's why I said stick onyour window, your mirror,
wherever it is, stick it on yourwhole place, your whole house,
if you have to.
But start there, because all ofus deal with being alone.
(29:22):
It's just something that wecan't avoid.
And being alone again is not anegative thing.
It can be a very fulfillingspace to be alone, because you
being in relationships, havingtheir friends and families, they
(29:52):
can be a distraction A gooddistraction, but distractions.
That's what I would say to alllisteners.
Being alone is not necessarilya bad thing.
And if you are struggling withloneliness, get active in the
things that you enjoy again.
And if you're someone who'santisocial, just start small.
(30:12):
If it's a small pottery class,start there and then work your
way up to a bigger one.
Like you said in the beginning,it doesn't have to be something
crazy.
Just put yourself out there andgo from there.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
Well, I love those recommendations.
Thank you so much again forjoining us today to talk about
loneliness and reconciliation.
I think it's such an importanttopic to understand and really
delve into, because it's apowerful feeling and can have
negative consequences.
But you said, to really reflecton yourself and, starting small
(30:44):
, we can make changes and we canovercome this.
So if anyone would like to booka time to meet with Sage
whether you're going through alonely period or you're trying
to begin the process ofreconciliation or you're really
already on that reconciliationjourney and you'd like some
extra support and guidance youcan find Sage over at
(31:06):
kindermindcoachingcom and book atime to meet with her and have
these discussions and have acoach in your corner.
So thank you so much again,sage, for your time joining us
today to discuss this topic.
Speaker 2 (31:21):
Thank you so much for having me Rooted for all you
guys.
Thank you so much to our Kinder mind podcast
listeners for joining us foranother episode of the
Kindermind podcast.
I'm here today with Sage D,life coach, and we are exploring
loneliness and reconciliation.
Thank you so much for joiningus today, Sage.
Speaker 2 (00:17):
Thank you so much for having me.
I'm excited.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
I'm excited too, so let's dive into this topic,
really, just starting out withhow do you define loneliness and
what are some commonmisconceptions about it?
Speaker 2 (00:32):
For me personally, sadness I believe to be not just
an emotion but also a mentalconnection.
Sadness can stem from certainexperiences that we've had,
whether that's presentexperiences or past experiences,
or even things that we maythink about in the future.
So I believe to.
(00:52):
For me, sadness is just more ofa state of mind, right?
So something that's happened inyour life whether you've gone
through a divorce, whetheryou've lost a significant other
divorce, whether you've lost asignificant other that would
impose sadness, that emotion ofgrief, hurt, pain, that sort of
(01:18):
thing, and loneliness is more ofa duration, whereas there's
moments where you can feel sadand then there's moments where
it's okay.
I feel lonely.
Right now I don't have anyonephysically with me to comfort me
or physically with me toencourage me, or I feel lonely
because I don't fit in to acertain space, right or with
certain individuals, and thatcan also make us feel lonely.
(01:39):
But what I noticed when Ilooked it up is loneliness is
the state of distress ordiscomfort.
So anytime we feeluncomfortable can also stimulate
the feeling of loneliness.
And that was something that Ithought was very interesting,
how it said the word discomfort,and that's something that stood
(02:01):
out to me very intensely, so Iwanted to dive into that
discomfort, if that's OKsurprise is Brene Brown and her
(02:27):
book Atlas of the Heart and herHBO special about Atlas of the
Heart.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
She really dives into the words that we use to
describe our feelings andemotions and what those mean and
what those look like.
So, yes, absolutely, let's divein, like you said, to
discomfort.
Speaker 2 (02:40):
So that's something that stuck to me a lot, because
I, like many other people, havebattled with and still do at
times with depression, andsometimes depression can come
across as what we believe to be,as physical someone who may be
(03:02):
in the bed for long periods oftimes, not eating, not bathing,
which are all things that are apart of depression.
But deep down in depression,it's discomfort.
There's an emotional discomfort, there's a mental discomfort
where it disrupts us fromfunctioning from day to day and
that's something that I believeis what keeps us in that
(03:24):
loneliness is the discomfort,because we may dwell on it, like
, oh, like I don't feel normaltoday.
I haven't felt normal for weeks, months, years, and we focus on
those one tunnel vision thingswhere it's, yeah, I, my loved
one, left me, or I lost my job,I lost my health, whatever that
(03:47):
main focus may be and that cancause upon that discomfort where
we sit in that, versus uscoming to terms like, hey, like
I'm not, I need help, a supportsystem, a support team.
That's also what helps us toovercome loneliness is having a
support team, but I know we'llget into that a little bit
(04:07):
further on with your questions,but that's what discomfort is.
We focus on the discomfort thatextends that duration of
loneliness.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
That makes a lot of sense.
Thank you for clarifying andlike laying that out.
Sue, tell me what is thedifference between loneliness
and just being alone?
Where's the differentiationthere?
Speaker 2 (04:33):
The difference between loneliness and being
alone.
Most of us experience being ina room full of people and still
feeling alone.
I believe it's just adisconnect.
Some of us are not very good atbeing social, right, and that's
not just okay.
I'm introverted, but it's alsoI'm not really good at carrying
on a conversation.
(04:53):
I'm not really good atinitiating a conversation.
So there's moments when you canbe in a space where you're full
of people, there's physicalpeople being there, but you're
just still feeling alone becausemaybe you feel unheard, maybe
you feel unseen or we feelunwanted, whatever that may be,
and that can also be lonelinessversus physically being alone in
(05:16):
a space where no one's there.
And being alone doesn't meanthat you're lonely.
Right, you can be alone andenjoy that space by yourself.
Hey, like I'm having a goodtime, like I know, for me as a
mother, it's good to have thatalone time.
Sometimes it's really good tojust shower by yourself and not
have any interruptions, and youcan eat a meal by yourself.
(05:36):
Being alone doesn't necessarilymean it's a bad thing, but we
can feel loneliness when wedon't feel connected to people.
And if we don't havefriendships right, don't have
friend groups, or we don't have,like I said before, a support
system, whether that's family,friends or coworkers or if we go
(05:58):
to different events.
Those types of things can helpfeed the loneliness if we're not
necessarily interacting withpeople who we care about or
having individuals who we careabout interact with us.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
So how can prolonged loneliness affect a person's
mental and physical health?
I know that you mentioneddepression.
Are there other things thatcome to mind that could be a
consequence of prolongedloneliness?
Speaker 2 (06:30):
There's an American Medical Association and there
was a doctor that was speakingthere, and he mentions there is
some evidence to note thatpeople who are experiencing
social isolation and lonelinesshave increased risk for
premature death.
He continues here and sayssocial isolation and loneliness
(06:52):
were associated with a 29%increased risk of heart disease
and a 32% risk of stroke.
So loneliness does have someother physical effects on us,
not just depression or anxiety.
Those types of things can alsostem from loneliness as well.
(07:13):
But that's pretty interestingthat I never did correlate
loneliness with heart disease ora stroke.
And then he goes on further andmentions that social isolation
and loneliness lead to higherrisk of high blood pressure,
heart disease, obesity, anxiety,depression, memory issues and
(07:35):
even death.
There are definitely physicalaspects that take on or that
come from loneliness, and thatis something that this country
faces quite frequently, or thisworld, this society, not just
this country, but definitely inAmerica.
It's very intense here withloneliness, even though we have
(07:56):
social media, but a lot of usare not very social even though
we have these different outletsto be social.
Speaker 1 (08:04):
I could not agree more.
And then there's lots ofnegative consequences that come
from social media as well, andthank you for bringing up that
research.
That sounds super interesting.
I'm a nerd for research, so Iwould love it if you could share
that article.
I'll be sure that we includethat on the podcast for any of
our listeners to check out andread, as well as give credit to
the author.
What practical steps canindividuals take to manage or
(08:29):
overcome feelings of loneliness?
I know that you made a reallygreat recommendation earlier
talking about that connection.
It's a support system, so couldyou talk about that a little
more?
Speaker 2 (08:40):
Speaking from experience, whenever I was going
through my intense depression,I had to think back to what I
enjoyed, right.
So for me, I like to dance, andthat was a great outlet for me
to look beyond my currentcircumstances that I was facing
(09:03):
at that time.
My current circumstances that Iwas facing at that time and I
think that's something that'svery important for all of us to
do is to pause and just thinkback.
What do I enjoy, whether that'spainting or writing, or reading
or walking, whatever that maybe.
For that individual, it'simportant to pause and to get
back to those things, becausethat's going to spark more joy,
(09:28):
that's going to spark morehealing and, especially if
you're someone who's in aposition, who's not able to get
professional help from atherapist, it's crucial to be
able to think outside the boxand do things for yourself, as
like just going for a walkoutside, getting some nature,
getting some sunshine, seeingwhat's around you the flowers,
(09:50):
the birds, the insects that kindof helps reset your mind and,
for a little bit of an endorphinhealth the natural one, anyways
.
So I would suggest to anyonewho's currently experiencing
these things of loneliness andanxiety or depression try to
(10:11):
think back to what it was thatbrought you joy, whether that's
when you were a child or fromrecent times, months ago,
whatever it may be.
Get more involved in that,because that's what's going to
help trigger you to get otherhealthy outlets as well.
So that would be my mainsuggestion is pause for a second
(10:34):
and think about what it is thatyou enjoy and get into that.
Some people it was knitting,quilting, just something to do
with your hands, and that's whatI would suggest for anybody
who's experiencing this rightnow.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
I love those recommendations.
I think it and really try to,like you mentioned, remember
what makes you happy.
(11:08):
It can be something small.
You stated like knitting orhobbies, art, dancing, things
that bring you joy and engagingin those, and maybe you're
engaging with those on your ownand you're working your way up
to now, incorporating otherpeople into those eventually, so
you don't have to take that bigscary leap all at once where
(11:31):
I'm gonna go to a full-blownlike zumba class with a bunch of
other people oh, maybe you'redancing at home to your music
and you're taking those babysteps of feeling better.
So I love those recommendations.
Thanks so much for sharing that.
So I know that when we'relonely and we're struggling with
loneliness and depression, weisolate, we pull away from
(11:55):
others.
We go weeks, months, yearswithout communicating with our
family or friends and it can bedifficult to reconcile those
relationships.
How can someone approachreconciling those relationships
with friends or family memberswith whom they've lost touch or
had conflicts?
Speaker 2 (12:15):
So reconciliation will look different from person
to person.
Based off of the experience onehad reconciliation versus
someone who is reconciling witha friend they've known for years
but they haven't spoken to themfor, say, five years because of
(12:46):
a falling out it's going tolook a little bit different.
I've noticed that when it comesto reconciliation, there's
usually a base of fear, a fearfrom being rejected by the
person who you're trying toreconnect with, or wondering if
you're making the right decision, or wondering if it's even
(13:08):
going to work out.
Acknowledging that there's goingto be a possibility of this
person not receiving you is veryimportant for us to think about
, ponder on and, based off ofone's experience, whether they
had a traumatic experience fromthem falling out or could be,
(13:30):
like I said, someone who hasn'tmet these individuals and
they're trying to reconcile.
It's going in with more of anopen mind and if you're coming
in to a reconciliation whereyou've met these people, you've
known this person or theseindividuals for a while and
you're just reconnecting, Iwould say forgiveness is
(13:51):
important, whether you're tryingto forgive this other person or
forgive yourself, being veryempathetic, being understanding
of the circumstances, beingaccountable for whether your
actions or giving this otherperson, the space to be
accountable is all there's totaking consideration, because I
(14:15):
myself am working throughreconciliation right now with my
ex-husband and that looksdifferent because I've known him
for years.
But now it's a little bitdifferent because there has been
some hurt, there has been someneglect in the past and we are
divorced now and who I was whenI met him is not who I am now.
(14:35):
So there's things that I haveto take into consideration now
with that reconciliation,because it's like, hey, I'm not
23 anymore, I'm 31 and I'm amother now and I know more of
myself now.
Speaker 1 (14:48):
So I have to not be accepted and if you are the
(15:20):
individual who needs to acceptthis other person, allow them
the space to apologize and allowthem the space to acknowledge
where they went wrong.
I think that's such animportant call out.
A lot of the times, I like totalk about the language we use
and the expectations we set, andI think that it's really
important to keep in mind whenyou are reconciling with someone
or trying to reconcile withsomeone, like you mentioned,
having that introspect and thatthought process around.
(15:41):
They don't have to accept yourapology.
There is a chance that thiswill not go well.
There's always that possibilitythat they will not bring you
back into their life and, reallylooking at, what ownership do I
have in their decision-makingprocess?
You have no ownership, you haveno control, and that's what's
so scary, because our want is tosomehow fix everything and make
(16:05):
it better, but that's notalways possible because it takes
two or more people in thatrelationship to reconcile.
And so I feel like for folksthat are working on
reconciliation or thinking aboutworking on reconciliation, it's
important to remember that theonly thing that you own in that
process are your words and youractions and your intentions.
(16:27):
That other person does not haveto reciprocate a forgiveness or
an apology or anything like that.
But that doesn't mean youshouldn't try.
I think the scariest thingabout really anything in life is
the unknown and the lack ofcontrol.
But certainly one of thebiggest kind of sayings that
goes into it all is you don'tknow unless you try.
(16:48):
And if that relationship was soimportant to you that you
desperately want to try to getit back, go see if you can.
And maybe it's not a never,maybe it's just a not right now.
Maybe that person isn't in aplace where they can accept your
apology or they can offerforgiveness or they can start
(17:09):
rebuilding a relationship.
So I would definitely say toanyone listening that might be
going through this is to keep anopen mind, pay really close
attention to your intent andthen realize that you only have
ownership of yourself and notthat other person to this person
or seeing this person, you haveto have patience and allowing
that individual to, like I said,share from where they were at
(17:48):
that point, because we allchange and evolve.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Hopefully, we're all changing and evolving in a
positive, healthy way.
And if that person does notaccept you or vice versa, don't
be disappointed, don't be angrybecause, like you said, you can
only control yourself.
You can't control that otherindividual and what they say,
how they say it, where they'resaying it, and don't dwell on
(18:12):
that either.
Focus on your healing and howfar you've come, how you've
matured, and move forward fromthere, because who we were
whenever we're in our 20s or 30s, whatever that may be, is not
the same as who we are currently.
So that's what I would also sayJust be patient and keep moving
(18:35):
.
Speaker 1 (18:36):
Keep moving.
I love that.
How can a life coach supportsomeone who's struggling with
loneliness and seekingreconciliation?
Speaker 2 (18:45):
Just by being a listening ear, mainly as a life
coach.
It's not really I can't speakfor all life coaches, but it's
definitely not my purpose to fixsomeone, and I know I strive to
fix people's situations.
I want to fix things, but Ican't fix anyone who doesn't
(19:06):
want to have help.
You can't help anyone whodoesn't want to be helped.
So as a life coach, it'simportant for me to be
empathetic, mostly just to beunderstanding where this
individual is coming from andwhat they are open to sharing
with me.
So being that good soundingboard, that good listening ear,
(19:30):
is how I can be of bestassistance to anyone who comes
to me as their life coach.
Because I'm not God, I cannotsnap my fingers and just correct
and heal everything in aninstant, but I can be a sounding
board and I can be encouraging.
I can help hold someoneaccountable to a degree.
(19:53):
So that's what I believe a lifecoach is most.
A life coach is just to be veryempathetic and being able to
(20:25):
relate to someone on that level.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
And I think that's a really great goal for any life
coach.
So I love that you've calledthat out.
What are some long-termstrategies for maintaining
meaningful connections andpreventing future feelings of
loneliness?
So, someone that has maybe donebattle with loneliness and
they're maybe still working ontheir reconciliations, what are
some things that they can ensurethat they continue to do or try
(20:51):
to do to negate that futureloneliness from setting in?
Speaker 2 (20:58):
I would say, when someone is becoming more aware
of themselves and they start tobe aware like hey look, I'm not
feeling that great today.
It's the same thing.
I won't say the exact samething, but it's similar to
depression, where it's once youcan acknowledge, I feel a little
off today, something's notright, I feel lonely.
(21:18):
That's when you have to go tothat again that activity,
whatever it may be.
And if we're in situations likehow it was when we were on
lockdown with COVID, I would say, finding still groups online
that you can still interact with.
If you're able to get atherapist, that's online.
(21:38):
Get a therapist online that youcan still interact with.
And journaling, do a lot ofjournaling until your little
hands can't write anymore,because it's a great way to
expose yourself and there's noone judging you for exposing
yourself.
Right, you're writing all youremotions down, whether those are
(21:59):
angry emotions, hatefulemotions, whether they're
depressive emotions, whatever itmay be.
Write it all down and then whatI like to do is, safely, is
burn them.
Write all those emotions outand burn them, because it's
something about seeing that burnis healing, it's evaporating
all of that tension that hurt,that pain in that very moment.
(22:23):
It's something about thevisible connection, to the
emotional connection where it's.
I'm not right now, but I'm goingto be, it's okay, it's just an
off day, I had an off moment orI had an off week.
We're all human.
It's not going to be an easylife.
It's not going to be the lifewhere you smile all the time and
(22:44):
laugh all the time and feelloved all the time.
But we can write how we feeland we can still be able to be
connected to others.
And that's one of the biggestblessings I think COVID did
bring to us is that even thoughwe can't always be physical with
one another, with our friends,and have big gatherings and all
(23:06):
these types of things, I canstill call, I can still FaceTime
or Zoom or do all these otherways to still stay connected,
and I think that can still bevery beneficial if used in a
very effective and healthy way.
Speaker 1 (23:23):
I completely agree and I like your recommendation
about journaling and burningthat and like just to make sure
that it never gets seen ifthat's stuff that you never want
seen by anybody else.
And I think it can be a reallygreat way if you choose to not
burn it and keep it in a journalor a diary for reflection, like
you can go back and see likewhere was I, what changed, what
(23:44):
helped, what didn't.
So, thinking about gaininginsight and moving on and
keeping that future motivation,how can someone reflect on their
experiences to gain deeperinsights into their needs and
desires and their socialconnectedness and stay motivated
?
Speaker 2 (24:06):
The thing about.
I don't mean the wordmotivation, what word?
Speaker 1 (24:13):
do you?
Speaker 2 (24:13):
put Discipline, Discipline okay.
Discipline is going to outweighyour motivation, because you're
not going to feel motivated mostdays, especially if you're
struggling with depression oranxiety or loneliness You're not
really going to feel motivated.
Or anxiety or loneliness you'renot really going to feel
motivated.
You're definitely going to havethe discipline to get up to do
(24:35):
the writing or even things likethis speaking to yourself.
It's awkward, but we all do it,right.
We all speak to ourselves andone of the things that I would
suggest is writing down thingsand then sticking it on your
mirror right Things that whetherit's something that you like
(24:55):
about yourself, things that youenjoy in life, things that you
hope for in life, even if youhave to lie about it, right,
Because if you're someone who'sstruggling with suicidal
thoughts or anything of thatnature, you're probably not
going to be hoping for a future.
But if you can write it downagain that visible connection,
you're seeing it and then you'resaying it out loud it does
affect your mental in a positiveway, because now you're telling
(25:19):
your brain what to think andyou're having that control
versus those thoughts or thosefeelings have the control over
you.
So I would say disciplinedefinitely outweighs the
motivation.
It's the same thing with goingto the gym.
If you have a goal of losingweight, gaining weight, whatever
it may be, you're not alwaysgoing to want to go to the gym.
(25:39):
I don't care if you're a gymhead.
You don't always want to go.
You have to get in the car anddrive there or bring your gym
equipment, do all this otherstuff.
I don't even want to do this.
But having the discipline toknow that I can become better, I
will become better, I want tobe better.
(26:00):
And by saying those things outloud to yourself positive
affirmations or a quote thatyou've seen, whether that's from
a magazine or a book orscripture, whatever it may be
say it out loud until you startto believe what you're reading
and that's really going to bevery helpful.
(26:20):
It takes time.
It's not like it's going tohappen in a day or a month, but
when you continuously arefeeding yourself that
affirmation of positivity,especially when you have no one
else around, that's going tomake a difference.
You have to discipline yourselfto root for yourself, even when
you don't want to.
(26:40):
That's easier said than done,but it's possible, because we
all battle with insecurities anddoubts and fears and weaknesses
and all kinds of negativity inthis world.
But coming to yourself, youhave to first be kind to
yourself.
I just said this whole systemis about learning to love
(27:07):
yourself, love your fellow manand knowing how you can give
back.
And it starts with us speakingkindly to ourselves and rooting
for ourselves until it becomes alifestyle.
And I'm a firm believer injournaling and writing stuff
down and sticking it on yourmirror and speaking to yourself
(27:28):
in the mirror like a weirdo.
This is what it is.
Get used to talking to yourself, because a lot of times it will
be just you alone, and that'sokay, because being alone
doesn't mean that you're failingor that you've made a mistake
or that you're unloved orunwanted.
It's just in this moment, you,you're alone, and at some point
(27:50):
you'll be encouraging somebodyelse who's going through
loneliness and all the otherthings of life.
Speaker 1 (27:57):
That's such a great call out about getting
comfortable talking to yourself,because I don't recall the
research.
I will definitely see if I canfind it but I did read research
when I was in grad school thattalked about how our voice is
the loudest voice and theprimary voice that our brain
listens to, because, think aboutit, we hear our voice more than
(28:21):
anybody else's voice in theworld.
So, thinking about the power ofthe spoken word, if we say
something like I'm so stupid,research shows that you actually
perform and are cognitivelymore delayed if you make those
statements about yourself.
So then you're supposed to thencatch yourself and say
(28:41):
something Actually I am notstupid, I'm not having the best
day, but I made a simple mistake.
I am a smart person.
Really, that positive self-talk, because if you say it, your
brain's going to believe it tobe true.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
Yeah, and it is something that is very time
consuming and believing,especially if you grew up around
individuals who put you down,whether that's family, friends,
society, whatever it may be.
So that's why I said stick onyour window, your mirror,
wherever it is, stick it on yourwhole place, your whole house,
if you have to.
But start there, because all ofus deal with being alone.
(29:22):
It's just something that wecan't avoid.
And being alone again is not anegative thing.
It can be a very fulfillingspace to be alone, because you
being in relationships, havingtheir friends and families, they
(29:52):
can be a distraction A gooddistraction, but distractions.
That's what I would say to alllisteners.
Being alone is not necessarilya bad thing.
And if you are struggling withloneliness, get active in the
things that you enjoy again.
And if you're someone who'santisocial, just start small.
(30:12):
If it's a small pottery class,start there and then work your
way up to a bigger one.
Like you said in the beginning,it doesn't have to be something
crazy.
Just put yourself out there andgo from there.
Speaker 1 (30:22):
Well, I love those recommendations.
Thank you so much again forjoining us today to talk about
loneliness and reconciliation.
I think it's such an importanttopic to understand and really
delve into, because it's apowerful feeling and can have
negative consequences.
But you said, to really reflecton yourself and, starting small
(30:44):
, we can make changes and we canovercome this.
So if anyone would like to booka time to meet with Sage
whether you're going through alonely period or you're trying
to begin the process ofreconciliation or you're really
already on that reconciliationjourney and you'd like some
extra support and guidance youcan find Sage over at
(31:06):
kindermindcoachingcom and book atime to meet with her and have
these discussions and have acoach in your corner.
So thank you so much again,sage, for your time joining us
today to discuss this topic.
Speaker 2 (31:21):
Thank you so much for having me Rooted for all you
guys.
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