April 24, 2025 • 62 mins
Adriane Thompson, founder of Raising Kids With Purpose, shares her transformative journey from controlling parenting to creating an environment that meets children's developmental needs through intentional family culture.
• Shifting from viewing parenting as controlling children to understanding and meeting their developmental needs
• Creating strong family culture through shared values, family meetings, and consistent modeling
• Understanding that big emotions and behaviors in children signal unmet needs, not "bad kids"
• Helping neurodivergent children by recognizing their unique nervous system needs
• Building a family where unconditional love and acceptance form the foundation
• Recognizing that our own nervous system regulation directly impacts our children
• Starting with awareness of our triggers and patterns from our own upbringing
• Using values as an anchor during challenging parenting moments
• Creating consistent family time to strengthen connections
About our guest
Adriane Thompson is a certified parenting coach living in Surprise, Arizona, with her husband, three energetic boys, and two Aussiedoodles. She’s passionate about helping parents navigate challenges with a connection-based approach and is the creator of the P.U.R.P.O.S.E. Parent Transformation Program, a 12-week coaching experience designed to help overwhelmed parents break generational cycles, build emotional resilience, and foster a strong family culture rooted in mutual respect.
With over five years of experience in coaching, education, and mentoring, Adriane has a gift for breaking down complex topics like neurodevelopment, emotional regulation, attachment, and family dynamics into practical, life-giving strategies. She shares value-packed blog posts and printables at Raising Kids With Purpose, offering tools that support parents on their journey toward more peace and joy at home.
When she’s not coaching, you’ll find Adriane hiking, camping with her family, leading local mom groups, or mentoring high school girls at her church. She believes in the power of connection, kindness, and lifelong learning to make a lasting impact on the world.
Connect with Adriane
raisingkidswithpurpose.com
@raisingkidswithpurpose on Instagram
Got a story to share or question you want us to answer? Send us a message!
About the podcast
The KindlED Podcast explores the science of nurturing children's potential and creating empowering learning environments.
Powered by Prenda Microschools, each episode offers actionable insights to help you ignite your child's love of learning. We'll dive into evidence-based tools and techniques that kindle young learners' curiosity, motivation, and well-being.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Once I started viewing parenting as not.
Oh, I'm here to control mychild and make them behave a
certain way and sit still and bequiet and be compliant purpose
and be able to provide and givethem what they need, and
figuring out what those needsare.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Hi and welcome to the Kindled podcast where we dig
into the art and science behindkindling, the motivation,
curiosity and mental well-beingof the young humans in our lives
.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Together, we'll discover practical tools and
strategies you can use to helpkids unlock their full potential
and become the strongestversion of their future selves.
Together, we'll discoverpractical tools and strategies
you can use to help kids unlocktheir full potential and become
the strongest version of theirfuture selves.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Welcome to the Kindle podcast everyone.
Adrienne.
Hi, how are you?
What's new at your house?
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Hi, what's new at my house?
Just got back from a campingtrip.
Oh fun, How'd it go?
It was a long weekend.
We got lost in the desert alittle trying to find how was
your weekend.
I got lost in the desert.
I got lost in the desert.
We live in Arizona and we arecamping in more I wouldn't say
(01:27):
northern arizona, but central,so it's still.
It's high desert, so it's notlike just sororo, cacti and you
know, uh, teddy bear, cholla,and where there's no coverage.
So we at least had some treesbut we were trying to find a
(01:48):
water hole.
I read a blog post and I sentit to the other family that we
were with.
We read it, I screenshotted itbecause I knew we weren't going
to have any service when we wereout there.
So that's interesting too ishelping kids navigate an area
without GPS, without having maps, or we can't just look this up,
(02:08):
you know.
So we came very prepared and wehad all the things that we
needed and this blog post saidit is very hard to find.
However, if you follow theseexact directions, you can get
there.
Well, they failed to put apart.
You get to a fork in the road.
Before you get to, there's thislike stone structure house
(02:31):
that's really really old.
It was probably, you know,built by whoever used to reside
in that desert, and we didn'tsee that.
But there was a fork in theroad and so there were people
behind us who had been therebefore, but had been years, and
so they were like, oh, we goright, and my intuition told me
(02:51):
to go left.
But it was going up away fromthe water instead of going down
towards the water, but it feltlike more of the main trail.
We had lots of people with us.
The people behind us were likenope, this is the way we go.
So we followed them and theywere incorrect, and so they
disappeared.
I don't know where they endedup, but they also didn't have
dogs and they didn't have littlekids.
(03:12):
We had like five and six yearolds with us, and so it was very
different dynamics.
They could just walk over allthese big, massive rocks and to
get to where they were going,whereas we had to take a trail
because of all the things.
So then dog's paws were burningbecause we didn't have boots
for them, and these are thingsthat you have to think about
when you live in Arizona.
If you live somewhere likewhere I'm from in Pennsylvania,
(03:36):
you don't think about puttingboots on your dog because the
sand gets so hot, and so,anyways, we had some really
disappointed kids.
We ended up going down to thewater.
We made the best of it becausewe just needed to get cooled off
and it was still beautiful.
It's just where we were campingalso had that same water.
(03:58):
We were just further up thecreek, but there were rapids and
the kids made the best of it.
There just wasn't a swimminghole where they could dive into
it from a rock, and that's whatthey were looking forward to.
And so after the fact, I wasthinking about while it was
happening just allowed everyoneto be frustrated.
People were complaining andsaying, oh, because we had
(04:19):
turned back around, but then wedidn't get to that one top trail
, and so there was just a lot ofcomplaining and a lot of just
frustration, and that's normal,that's part of life.
And after the fact, after wegot back, I was reflecting on
the whole situation and it mademe think about how that's how
(04:41):
life is.
But yet we tried to create allthese experiences for our kids
so that there is no frustration,there is no failure.
And so, because I was gettingreally, really hard on myself, I
should have listened to myintuition.
I should have, because when wecame out of there, we did find a
couple, because we kept runninginto people and they had no
(05:03):
idea where they were goingeither.
So I mean, it is a hard place tofind, apparently, and so, and
we took a really crazy dirt roadto get there.
So it was.
You know, we're going five to10 miles an hour, so it's not
easy to get to even in the car.
And so we ran into people andthey told us oh yeah, it's right
up here.
You find the little stonestructure and you turn right,
(05:27):
and but stone structure.
And you turn right, and but atthat point we had been in the
woods, you know or not?
Woods in the desert for twohours with grumpy kids.
We didn't pack lunches, we hadfood, uh, and we had dogs with
hot paws, so we and the cloudswere stacking up, and so, and
also in places like that, flashflooding is a real thing, where
it won't be raining, where youare and all of a sudden, you
(05:50):
know water can come from upCreek and like, wipe you out.
And so we saw the dark cloudsand decided to turn back, and so
I, we had a really goodconversation with the kids, so I
was like now it's going to feeleven more triumphant and more
exciting when we do this again.
We can't give up.
Number one it's going to beabout a year.
(06:11):
So there's delayedgratification because we're at
the end of the season.
We're not going to be able togo until next year.
There's so many really goodthings that came out of this,
even though it was kind ofstinky, that we didn't make it
to our destination.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Wow.
Leave it to Adrienne to spin.
I got lost in the desert intolike a beautiful analogy for
life, like love that I'm goingto be thinking about that all
day now.
Thank you, which leads us to asad thing.
We have to tell you all thatthis is going to be Adrienne's
last episode as co-host on theKindle podcast, and we're so sad
(06:49):
about this.
She has another adventure thatshe is going to set off on
Hopefully not like the adventureshe went on this weekend where
she gets lost in the desert, buthappy adventure.
Adrienne, do you want to tellus a little bit about what
you're doing?
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Yeah, so while I've been at Prenda, right when I
first started, I had gonethrough parent coaching
certification program throughthe Jai Institute for Parenting,
and it's rooted in consciousparenting.
I don't really subscribe to acertain parenting style because
(07:26):
I feel like as long as we'relooking at the
neurodevelopmental needs of ourkids and what we need and how to
resource ourselves, that's howwe show up and are able to
parent kids in a healthy,psychologically emotional,
healthy way.
Healthy, psychologicallyemotional, healthy way.
But you can call it consciousparenting, gentle parenting,
(07:53):
positive parenting it probablyfalls under all of those
umbrellas.
And so I had, before Prenda, Ihad started a blog called
Raising Kids with Purpose.
I worked really hard to figureout all the technology, which
was hard for me to grow a blog,grow Pinterest accounts, grow an
Instagram, and so while atPrenda, I am so thankful I was
able to resurface a lot of thatcontent and rewrite it for our
(08:19):
blog at Prenda and then alsoable to collaborate with my
Instagram accounts, becausesocial media is hard for my
mental health.
I think it is hard for a lot ofpeople's mental health.
So, yeah, so I'm going, I'mfull out, going to be a parent
coach where I can work withparents to help them find the
(08:43):
joy in parenting, and kind oflike what we do at Prenda for
kids.
We empower them and we createenvironments that their brains
are safe and they're able togrow in healthy ways.
I want to do that for parentsand families because, in order
for me to reach the kids, I canreally make an impact if I can
(09:06):
help their parents to see howamazing they are.
And also I plan to be a parenteducator and speaker and do
workshops and things like that,maybe for schools.
I'm part of a group called theMomCo things like that maybe for
(09:27):
schools.
Or I'm part of a group calledthe mom co, and so there's a ton
of mom co meetups all over thestate of Arizona.
So you know, I just got ontheir speaker list, so hopefully
I can go out and speak to thosegroups too and just make an
impact in parents' lives.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
It's going to be so amazing.
We're going to miss all of yourwisdom and knowledge and
funness and playfulness on theKindle podcast.
The Kindle podcast willcontinue.
I just won't have Adrian'sbeautiful shining face on every
week, which I am not going totalk about.
How sad I am about that.
(09:58):
But this for this episode.
I am going to interview thefounder of Raising Kids with
Purpose, Adrienne Thompson, andit's going to be great.
Here we go.
You ready for this, Adrienne?
Welcome to the Kindle podcast.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
So are you ready for this?
I'm not ready for it to be mylast episode, Katie, but yes I'm
ready.
Let's dive in.
Let's dive in on what it's liketo be, you know, raise kids
with purpose.
What does that mean?
Speaker 2 (10:29):
Yep, let's do it.
So tell us a bit about yourbackground and how you came to
the work you're doing and whatyour big why is.
Speaker 1 (10:35):
Yeah, so my background.
We always ask guests this andsome go really far back and some
just go with the work thatthey're doing, and so where do I
want to start?
So I grew up in an environmentwhere my parents did the
absolute best they could.
I moved in with my dad andstepmom when I was about six and
(10:57):
they worked a lot all the time,and then they had two kids who
I helped take care of and I wasthere with them after school,
before school, even when I wasfirst grade, second grade, fully
getting myself up and ready andoff to.
I was doing a lot of things onmy own, but I also was very
(11:21):
mature, and I mean theenvironment probably made that,
but also that's just who I amand my innate personality.
I'm very driven, I was verymature and I mean the
environment probably made that,but also that's just who I am
and my innate personality.
I'm very driven, I'm verymotivated, I want to do well,
and so that really impacted.
Whenever I became a parent, Iwas thinking I have a clean
slate.
My parents didn't yell, myparents didn't late.
(11:46):
My parents didn't yell, myparents didn't, you know like.
I didn't have all thistumultuous environment that you,
you know, hear of like whenadults or when they become a
parent and they struggle.
I didn't have a lot of that,but I didn't also have the what
I was needing to, you know, beraised in an emotionally healthy
environment.
There was no one.
I mean, they were there whenthey were home, right, but there
(12:09):
were a lot of times where Ijust did not have a caring adult
to co-regulate with and todevelop with, and so that did
impact.
When I had kids and I knew,before I had my son, I read
positive discipline.
I loved the framework, feltlike I was going to be a
positive discipline parent,which I still do agree with some
(12:35):
of the concepts in the positivediscipline framework, but I do
still feel like it's a littlemore.
Rewards and punishment or knoware not punishment, but I don't
know.
Do you know much about thepositive discipline?
Speaker 2 (12:50):
I don't.
I was just going to ask you totell us a little bit, but only
if it's a part of your story.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
Yes, and so we can put a link in the show notes.
Okay, let's do that.
And it's used in a lot ofschools.
And it's where, basically, youfocus just on the positive and
you essentially ignore thenegatives.
And then, as I started to dowork on my own, I was like, oh,
my kids still need me to bepresent, they still need my
presence and co-regulation, notjust to completely ignore them.
(13:17):
And I don't even think that'swhat was in the framework, but
that's what I got from it.
But I knew that I wanted tohave a positive environment.
And then I was gifted with kidswho are neurodivergent and who
are different and they don't fitthe typical norms of the way
kids are supposed to behave.
(13:38):
That was really hard for mebecause I am a rule follower and
I got all of my worth and valuefrom following the rules and I
was really good at getting thosestickers and filling up the
sticker charts as a child andgetting a lot of positive
(14:01):
feedback for being good.
So when I had a child who hadbig behaviors, it wasn't that he
was bad or good, and thatparadigm started to shift too,
of not viewing children as goodor bad and labeling them as good
or bad.
It's just there are somechallenging behaviors or wanted
behaviors, unwanted behaviors,and so, little by little, I
(14:24):
started just reading more andmore parenting books and more
things about how to raise a kidthat had bigger behaviors and
needed to move his body a lotand that's actually the most
popular blog post I have.
It's called what I wish I wouldhave known when my son was a
(14:47):
toddler or something aroundalong those lines, and it was
because he literally would belike a bull in the middle of the
living room and kick up his legand just run into the wall and
try to knock himself out.
I had no idea what was going on.
I would ask people at hisdaycare, like what is happening,
and they would just tell me oh,just don't let him do it.
(15:07):
But no one said why is he doingthis?
And it was because he neededproprioceptive input that he
wasn't getting and so little.
Over time I started justlearning these concepts and
learning about the brain andlearning oh my gosh, like the
way our culture is telling us toparent kids is.
So it's the antithesis to whatthey're actually needing and
(15:29):
giving them these developmentalneeds that they have.
So that just sent me on ajourney, and I don't remember
how old my oldest was when Iread the Whole Brain Child by Dr
Dan Siegel and Tina PayneBryson.
Siegel and Tina Payne Brysoncompletely changed my world.
(15:49):
They really help you dive into.
This is what actually works andwhy it does, because this is
what's happening in your very,very, very underdeveloped brains
that your child has.
And so once I started viewingparenting as not oh, I'm here to
control my child and make thembehave a certain way and sit
still and be quiet and becompliant, instead, view them as
(16:12):
like.
I have such an opportunity tohelp them grow and experience
life and find purpose and beable to provide and give them
what they need and figuring outwhat those needs are, instead of
just slapping band-aids.
(16:36):
Sticker charts, work charts Iwas the queen of those.
I had every kind of jar youcould think of, like cotton
balls that you would put in, andevery kind of jar, every kind
of chart, and guess what?
None of those worked, go figure, because I wasn't getting to
the root cause.
(16:57):
So that sent me on a journey toreally discover how my kids
were wired.
To really discover how my kidswere wired, and in that process
I started to basically reparentmyself and discover how I was
wired.
I'm also neurodivergent and Ijust learned so many things that
(17:17):
I feel like would have beenhelpful to know growing up.
So I'm just trying to breakthese generational patterns and
to show up in a way and to notonly heal but also really pay
attention to my nervous system,to my thoughts, to my beliefs,
(17:40):
and just show up every singleday.
And so that turned into thisblog, raising Kids With Purpose.
I wrote a lot of content aroundthese things really diving into
strong family culture.
Couldn't find a lot of books onit, so maybe one day I'll write
a book about creating a strongfamily culture.
(18:01):
Yeah, and I love I'm reallycreative and that's something
that I've always loved doingsince I was a child is creating.
So I've created a lot ofprintables and a lot of them I
have transformed and they're onPrenda's blog as well, and so I
create a lot of printables andtoolkits and things that not
only are for parents but alsoserve the child and they can do
with the child child and theycan do with the child, and so
(18:28):
lots of just really easy,practical tools to help parents
create an environment wherekids' brains are able to develop
in a safe way.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
I love that.
Yeah, so much of your worksurrounds helping parents build
a strong family culture, so Iwant to spend some time digging
into that.
What does that mean to you, andhow do you go about helping
parents bring some intentioninto what they're building in
their families?
Speaker 1 (18:53):
I think it's really important to address that.
In a family system, there areso many different personalities
and needs, and once you may havespecial needs, you may have
disorders.
There may be a lot of thingsgoing on within a family system
(19:13):
because people are messy, andthe more people you have in your
family, the messier it could be.
And so creating a strong familyculture to me is having a
commitment to each other, nomatter what, and having this
unconditional love.
Alfie Kohn that was a book Iread in the beginning of my
(19:34):
journey too is calledUnconditional Parenting.
Is it Unconditional Parenting?
Unconditional Parenting, yeah,yes, and about how we
inadvertently create conditionsaround our love for our kids.
And so having a commitment,having true, unconditional love
(19:54):
not, oh well, you didn't listento me, so I'm not going to lay
with you tonight no matter howyou behave or how you act and
this goes for you know, withyour spouse, with your kids,
like in the whole family unit,having good communication and
having shared values andtraditions and a lot of you know
(20:16):
the traditions, kind of andeven not just traditions, but
rules and boundaries, and allthese things you have set up are
all tied to your family values.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Yeah, how do you discover that for yourself?
Talk more about family values.
And if I'm just a person who'snever thought about this,
because that's how parenting isYou're a person, you're yourself
, and then suddenly you have ababy and it's like, oh, we have
not had classes, or like there'sparenting books.
So like you're not, we're notprepared for this at all, and
(20:50):
it's so funny because we havelike master's degrees for all of
these like things in the world.
It's like, man, I wish I couldhave like a master's degree in
like developing, helping kids,raise, like raising kids with
purpose, or like identifying ourfamily values.
Like this is not like a normalthing that we all go through
when we start having kids.
So talk a little bit more about, uh, so just some practical
(21:13):
strategies, maybe.
Yeah, so with values.
Speaker 1 (21:15):
I do have two blog posts on this.
One is about defining andfinding your values, and I do
have a full values family valuestoolkit with lots of different
printables in there so that youcan work together as a family
unit to figure out what yourvalues are.
And then I have another one onhow to make your family values
(21:36):
stick.
So, defining your values, youcan start with just asking
questions, and we do this infamily meetings, and so we have
a family meeting time where youcould do weekly.
I have a friend, amy Carney.
She wrote a book aboutpurposeful parenting to parent
on purpose and she does it oncea month and she has it printable
(21:58):
on her blog that you can accessas well.
If you have older kids.
It works really well, and so inour family meeting we can sit
down, go through the toolkit andstart by asking some questions.
So here's some questions.
So like, what qualities do youvalue in other families?
So look at what other familiesare around you, and if you're on
(22:22):
social media, that's probablyreally easy to do.
Look at what other people areposting for their highlight
reels, look at celebrities, lookat friends, people that maybe,
if you go to church, look atfamilies in the church, look at
families in the Bible,whatever's important to you
already.
Start by that.
Look at qualities that otherfamilies have and write them
(22:43):
down.
You can also how do you wanteveryone to feel when you're all
at home?
Do you want people to feelunsafe?
Do you want people to feel likeyou know this my brother's
going to constantly be puttingme down?
Or not feel good, feel isolatedalone?
Typically not, so ask thefamily these questions.
(23:05):
How do you want to feel whenyou are in these walls in our
home?
How do you spend time together?
Think about what do you do whenyou're together?
What do you do when you'reapart?
As I'm asking these questions,I can already visualize what it
is for my family like for you.
No-transcript, yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:31):
I think I can easily answer them.
I'm trying to imagine theconversation with my kids now
and what their input would be,and I think that getting that
shared vision is actually moreimportant.
I mean, it's important forparents to be like this is what
we stand for, but then it's likethat's great, stand for that,
all you want, if you don't havethe buy-in of your kids.
(23:51):
So you're like, if you can'trally the troops around that
cause like that idea, then it'snot going to happen anyway.
So, um, it's actually justgoing to cause like discord,
because then you'll be like well, I wish our house was like this
and no one else wants so.
Uh, I'm just trying to imagine.
Speaker 1 (24:06):
so I want to ask you that because you can, but you
could start with you.
That's why I asked you, becauseit's like, okay, can you answer
these questions?
Yes, okay.
So then, and it's important,what you just said, too, is not
to put your own ideas onto yourkids and to give them that space
to be able to answer themauthentically and real, and not
(24:28):
put them down if they're notanswering the way you want to.
But it is important that youstart answering these questions
yourself so that you can go okay, these are things that I value.
So other questions are arethere character flaws and others
that drive you crazy?
Are there things in otherpeople or other families that
you're like I'm not a fan ofthat, and how they do things
(24:51):
that way?
And then what do you findyourself repeating over and over
again, and on my blog post Iput besides, get your shoes on.
You have a strong familycommitment to shoes.
Yes to shoes.
Get your shoes on, get out thedoor, get in the car.
We actually don't have thatvalue.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
My kids very rarely wear shoes.
Get in the car.
We actually don't have thatvalue.
My kids very rarely wear shoes.
There you go.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
I love that.
Unfortunately, my kids go toenvironments where they need
shoes, but anyway.
And then you can also reflecton the values that you grew up
with and this isn't just you,but your husband or your spouse
or your partner.
What values do you each bringto the table and what did you
like, what you didn't like?
(25:38):
And then think about how youspend time together and how you
spend time apart which I thinkwe've already said that and so
you just start writing thosethings down and then in the
toolkit I have a whole list ofvalues to give you an idea.
I think there's like a hundred,some different values on that
list and they're all divided bycategories.
(26:00):
So you know faith, financesthere's a ton of different
categories that you can.
And then there's a familymission poster to create a
family mission statement, andthen you can put your main
values and all the differentcategories around it, put it on
the poster.
We have ours hanging up in ourkitchen so that we can see daily
(26:21):
, and so if we start behaving inways that don't match up with
those values, I just say, hey,look at the poster, are we
living up to those values?
And just pointing everything tothose values.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
Yeah, I think that's such a healthy way.
We do that in part of microschools too Like we have to
define the values.
We have to define what livingthose values looks like and does
not look like, and then we allhave to agree that we want that
together and then it's not likethis battle between parents
trying to get kids to act acertain way.
Kids grow up understanding whythese things are important and
having a voice into what isimportant.
(26:54):
And understanding why thesethings are important and having
a voice into what is importantand I think that you know we
always say like way in leads tobuy in.
So if you have this opportunity, this platforms family meetings
or like these discussions wherekids feel like, oh yeah, like I
noticed this and like I couldhave a voice into the family,
like that is so, so empowering.
It's making me think of thistime.
We never had family meetings.
Growing up Wasn't a thing inthe Neiman household.
(27:16):
We did sometimes have, we triedsometimes, but it was like
there's a lot of like fighting,because there's always like a
football game on or somethingthat, like everyone else wanted
to do.
So we'd never quite got there,but it reminds me of in college
I, uh, my brother, who I'm veryclose to, and I went to college
(27:38):
roughly the same time and we'vesuddenly realized that our
family was very weird, becausewe've suddenly had like
roommates who were telling usabout what their families were
like, and like we saw otherinteractions and we're like, oh,
we're weird, like then theneiman family culture of like
not saying I love you, mockingeach other openly and like just
being very sarcastic and likethat was our family culture.
(28:00):
Those are like sarcasm.
That was like the values thatwe had growing up, which was
funny sometimes, I will say, butnot super empowering or like
cozy feeling.
Anyways, my family did not say Ilove you ever.
I think my mom did sometimes,but my like, we're just not like
(28:21):
a huggy, I love you family.
And so my brother and I incollege decided that we were
going to start this like I loveyou revolution in our family and
like, even though it's going tobe awkward and hard, we were
just going to every single timewe talked to anyone in our
family, whenever we called home,we would say I love you and so
like, even as kids in a family,like trying to contribute to the
(28:42):
.
There was no like structurethat was given to us, like
inviting us into thatconversation to define it.
But we just made an observationnotice that we wanted it to
change and just took it uponourselves to like change the
family culture.
And now, now everyone says Ilove you, and it's not awkward,
and like we all say it to ourkids and like probably say I
love you to my kids like 900times a day and I it's just like
(29:03):
so possible to change things,like observe, notice, like
define what you want and then doit.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
Yeah, for me it was hard because I heard I love you
a lot, but it wasn't backed byaction, by my mom, and so, as I
got older, it was really hardfor me to say I love you or Eve,
I have friends that will tellme they love me, and I've had to
do a lot of work because Iheard that all the time.
(29:31):
But I think it also has to bebacked up by action, and, you
know, because words are onlywords, and so it sounds like,
though, it is backed up by theway you're treating each other
with kindness and loving ways.
So, then, that's where thosethat I love you's are more
impactful, and so, also I wroteabout this too is how to make
(29:56):
family values stick, and youstarted talking about this a
little bit.
So we can.
We need to define them first,agree okay, this is what we
agree that our family values are, and this is how we're going to
live, and we're going to committo doing this.
And so then, to make them stick, there's like a whole list of
(30:18):
things that you can do.
So, first of all, it's belief.
Every single person needs towork on what their belief system
is around those values, and youmight have a kid that doesn't
want a particular value that youput on the poster, and's okay
and so, but really checking inwith what your beliefs are and
(30:38):
then you want to define, whichwe already talked about what
defining those beliefs are anddefining what those values are.
Then we want to talk aboutthose values.
We don't want to just put themon a poster and just have them
hang up in our kitchen and thatbe it.
We want to keep pointing backto those values, talk about them
, point them out.
When I'm reading books, I'llpoint out family values of ours
(31:01):
that I see other charactersshare with us, or talk about
them when you're out in publicand you see that their living
values are similar or notsimilar to yours.
And just having that opendialogue, which is very, very
important.
And it's not just me talkingabout them.
My kids talk about the values alot too, because I'm modeling
(31:21):
that, which is part of this listtoo, and then you also want to
feel this might sound kind ofcheesy and corny, but we want to
embody those values.
And then we want to haveexperiences that spending time
together, family meal time,dinner time.
There's been so much researcharound how important having
(31:43):
dinner around the table is, andthat is one thing that was very
constant in my childhood is wehad dinner around the table
together, and it may have beenhamburger helper and cut up
vegetables, but that wassomething that we did.
Even if there were sports, evenif there were other things
going on, my dad would come homefrom work and we had dinner
(32:04):
around the table, and so that issomething where you're
experiencing what those familyvalues are.
And then last, which I alreadymentioned, is modeling.
You want to model those values.
So if you're screaming at yourkid and you can't regulate
yourself or you're tearing themdown or putting them down just
because that's how you kind ofrevert back to how you may have
(32:25):
been raised, you're not modelingwhat those values are, unless,
I mean, I couldn't imagine yourvalues are to be mean to each
other or to scream at each other, but maybe that is so, yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
Well, it seems like it.
If you watched my house, itseemed maybe sometimes like that
was our value Anyways.
So what are some commonchallenges that parents face
when you're trying to set thisup and how can we overcome them?
Speaker 1 (32:52):
Yeah, so, you need to look at how you were raised,
how your partner was raised.
That I think is reallyimportant is not to be a victim
or pathologize every singlething that happened, and because
I think we can kind of get intothat rut and into that mindset.
(33:13):
But just be aware I thinkstarting with awareness is huge
and being looking at okay, thisis how he or she was raised,
this is how I was raised.
And then looking at culture,because maybe you're from
different cultures too.
You know, I have friends thathave spouses that are from other
(33:34):
countries, or they themselvestheir parents are from other
countries, and that reallycontributes to how you act and
your mindsets and your thoughts.
So that can be a challenge.
There could be generationalgaps, busy schedules, just
having so much to do and notreally taking the time.
Like I said, commitment to eachother requires spending time
(33:56):
together and being together, um,lack of communication or not
having communication.
That is positive that we kindof sometimes again,
self-awareness is huge step backand look at how are we
communicating to each other?
Uh, I kind of mentioned this,but external cultural influences
(34:16):
.
On the podcast, the two of ustalk a lot about how we view
technology different, how weview, you know, play different.
I mean, katie, you don't evengive your kids toys that have
batteries, you know.
So our culture, though, iscompletely different than that,
and so to really look at, okay,what am I doing this just
(34:38):
because someone else is tellingme to, or, like when we were
lost in the desert, I allowedanother family to impact our
decision, versus going with myintuition, and so it's kind of
like we can do that with culturea lot too.
Um, and then managingtechnology use, I think, is a
really big one.
We are up against devices andprograms and computers and the
(35:02):
internet and all these thingsthat don't want to raise healthy
, emotionally, psychologicallyhealthy kids.
It's all about money and powerand all the things, so we don't
have to dive totally into that,but we do have to look at that,
and then just looking at anyother major life events, so
those are some challenges thatparents can face, and this is
(35:25):
why, though, values are soimportant, and to have them
defined, because you couldalways circle back to them
despite anything being thrown atyou.
I think, sometimes, I'veenvisioned this fire is just
blazing around me, and yet I'mjust like in the movies, and
(35:45):
they just walk out.
You know, I'm thinking likeIndependence Day.
All these things are happening,and that's because I can circle
back to my values, and for me,one of my biggest values is my
faith, and I rely on thepromises that God has given me,
and so I think that's reallyhuge too.
Speaker 2 (36:02):
I love that.
How can a parent I'm thinkingabout this in my own family I'm
like, okay, I think our cultureis pretty good.
I haven't been as intentionalas I probably should have, like
gearing up for a new familymeeting, printing out your
printables in my mind already,but how can you know like what?
What are some signs thatparents could watch for if, like
(36:23):
, the culture is off, if theyneed to like get into the weeds
and like kind of dig into things.
What are some signs, like somewarning signs?
Speaker 1 (36:29):
Yeah, definitely some warning signs could be the
communication breakdown.
Look at how you'recommunicating with each other,
is it?
And for me, I am a highlyemotional person and highly
sensitive person.
They call them HSPs.
It's a thing linked to to thebook, it's a thing where my
(36:52):
nervous system is a lot moresensitive and I just feel.
And so for me, when I think,when things aren't going well, I
can feel it at a visceral leveland just really tapping into my
intuition on, okay, this is notfeeling good.
But then also, looking at howmuch time you're spending
(37:14):
together and how much timeyou're spending apart Katie, you
talk about this a lot and it'shelped me is kids.
As they hit adolescence, theirnatural tendency is to go to
peers and they want to startbranching out.
But it's really reallyimportant, like Gordon Neufeld
talks about, and hold on to yourkids is to make sure that home
(37:37):
is safe and that they come toyou first, not to their peers
first, and then that peer youknow influence and so, looking
at that, are they coming to youabout your problems or their
problems and challenges, or arethey going to their peers about
it or to other people about it?
So, look at communication.
I think is really, really bigsign of you know what's going on
(38:01):
and looking at behaviors too.
If you have a kid that islosing it a lot, having tantrums
, meltdowns, and it's nottypical there's probably a
breakdown somewhere and you needto like revisit what those
values are and then revisit okay, are they getting their core
needs met?
Speaker 2 (38:22):
yeah, this is just reminding me I just recently had
to set a boundary.
Something I love, I love aboutour community is like kids are
in and out of my house all thetime.
Kids, friends are knocking,like it's like very, it's a lot
of families in our neighborhoodand they feel very welcome and
like safe in my home and Ireally want that and that's
something that we've strived for.
(38:43):
That like anyone who knocks onthe door gets like, yes, come in
, here's a snack.
Like to create like a safeplace for kids.
But then I realized like that'sa great culture that you've
created.
It is.
But then I realized like, wow,these kids are in my house for
hours and we don't ever have any.
It's like, hey, then they gohome because it's dark and they
need to eat dinner and usuallysometimes I feed them and then I
(39:05):
send them home, but then it'sbedtime and we're just not.
I could see the peer culture wasoverwhelming our family culture
.
So I had to set a boundary oflike, okay, every night yeah,
it's totally a yes, anyone canplay here until 6pm and then
everyone goes home and it'sfamily time and we eat dinner
together.
And like I just had to set thatboundary.
And I could feel my kidswanting that because, but like
(39:29):
they didn't have the languagewith their friends to be like no
, I like just want to be with myfamily right now.
Like they didn't have thelanguage to say that, but they
felt that and I kind of feltlike I was taking something away
from them, like oh, they'regonna not like this rule that
mom's coming in with, and afterwe did that, and like we just
had this time, you could justfeel like the culture change and
they've actually said likethanks for doing that, like we
(39:50):
didn't realize, like that, likewe really need this time to just
like be us, you know, andthat's what they want.
And that's actually somethingthat I, my family, didn't spend
a lot of time together and itdidn't seem like anyone cared if
we never saw each other.
Um, and then when I was datingmy husband, I was like, oh my
gosh, he would like drive 12hours to like go home for the
(40:10):
weekend if there was like afamily thing or like his family
just is really intentional aboutbeing together.
And I'm like if I marry him,then he'll be intentional about
wanting to be with me and aboutour family.
Like I want that culture, andhere's the way that I can get
that um, so I think that'samazing you're able to.
Speaker 1 (40:30):
Yeah, that was amazing that you were able to
even see that, because yourbrain was still pretty probably
not fully developed then too.
So that's pretty amazing thatyou were able to see that in
your husband and how they wereintentional.
Or even this weekend when wewent camping, my oldest he's 14,
and he did not want to go.
(40:50):
So we changed plans.
We were planning on going andthen we weren't because we had a
sick kid.
And then we were planning ongoing and then we weren't
because there were stressfulsituations going on.
And so then we literally wehave an RV and it has everything
that we need, so really, wejust need clothes and food.
And so we made the decision inan hour and we're on the road,
(41:13):
and so my 14-year-old was notplanning on going camping
anymore because we told him weweren't, and so he did not want
to go.
His friends weren't able to makeit, but we were like this is
our family value of beingtogether.
And guess what?
He made the best of it.
We had so much fun and evengetting lost in the desert
together.
I mean, that's a core memory,though you know like we can take
(41:40):
these tough moments and we didit together.
And that's when we got in thetruck and it had started to rain
.
I told him.
I said I am so proud of us.
We did this together, like it.
They're like looking at me like, well, that sucked.
I was like, yes, but we didthis together, like how we were
together, which I think is sovaluable, and so we, you know,
versus doing it alone, I think,is just really really powerful.
(42:04):
Um, but yeah, so, even thoughhe didn't want to be with us, we
value our family, beingtogether and doing the hard
things, the easy things, thehappy things together, and so he
knows that and he's going togrow up with, hopefully, those
values of togetherness.
Speaker 2 (42:21):
I love that.
So we've spent a lot of timetalking about culture.
I want to shift gears a littlebit.
Another something else that youfocus on in raising kids with
purpose is helping parentsspecifically who have highly
emotional kids.
You've mentioned that you are ahighly sensitive person.
Your kids have sensitivenervous systems and some
neurodivergence and things likethat, so obviously your own
(42:42):
experience living this way hasinspired you to focus on this.
But what have you found to bethe most misunderstood aspect of
raising highly emotionalchildren Like?
What's your experience of thisworld been so far?
Speaker 1 (42:55):
It goes back to just how so many of our systems are
set up and the messages thatwe're getting about parenting.
You're a good parent if what?
If your kid is well behaved, ifthey can manage their emotions,
if they can sit still.
I mean, this is how our schoolsare set up.
This is so many things in ourculture are set up and so, like
(43:19):
I mentioned at the beginning, mykids didn't just sit still.
They had really really bigemotions and had lots of sensory
needs.
I didn't even know what thatmeant or what that was, and so I
feel like if you see a childthat is struggling to manage
(43:40):
their emotions, it doesn't meanthey're a bad kid.
It means that they aren'tgetting their needs met, and
what I've learned through parentcoaching training is that a
child's nervous system is 100%dependent on a caregiver's
nervous system to be able todevelop.
Katie talks about brainmaturation all the time and how
(44:02):
brain maturation is messy andloud and emotional, and so kids
are going to have really bigemotions and feelings and
behaviors.
And it is our responsibility andI mentioned, I said this word
earlier it is our gift to beable to provide presence and to
be able to provide regulationand love and support for these
(44:28):
kids whenever they're havingthese big feelings.
So I think that's the biggestmisconception is big feelings,
tantrums, meltdowns equate tobad kid, which is not at all
what's happening.
Their brains are just very,very under construction and they
have a long way to go, and somekids and some people have a lot
more needs than others, andwhat I'm seeing is it's more and
(44:53):
more kids have additional needs.
I'm not going to get into allof that, but there's a lot of
reasons for that, and one of thenumber one reasons is nutrient
deficiency in the brain.
We are not feeding our bodiesor getting the nutrients that
our brains need to create theneurotransmitters they need to
be able to regulate and todevelop in healthy ways.
(45:17):
So that's what I think isreally important is big
behaviors and feelings does notmean bad kid.
Yeah amen.
Speaker 2 (45:25):
I think that once you can kind of make that shift as
a parent, that one, my, my kidsbehavior does not make me a good
or a bad parent.
Like these things are separate.
My, my goodness as a parent iswhether or not I can maybe show
up for them, or you know, youcan define that for yourself,
but, like for me, it's like didI show up the way that I wanted
(45:45):
to for my kid when weexperienced developmentally
appropriate behavior?
Today you know that's likereframing that has really helped
me.
What are some other?
Some other challenges thatparents face in this, like
helping kids become moreemotionally regulated or being
present through these.
(46:05):
I mean, you have told so manystories of your kids and their
dysregulation and how you havefound all of these strategies to
stay regulated yourself throughtheir big emotions.
Can you kind of share whatthat's been like?
Speaker 1 (46:19):
Yeah, to answer your first part of your question.
The challenges that parentshave is if they did not grow in
an environment where they wereable to feel their feelings and
really focus on having expansivebeliefs about themselves or
didn't feel understood, seen andheard.
(46:41):
This can be really, really hardwhen a child is losing their
crap and you're just like whatthe heck do I do?
Because your nervous system isgoing to be triggered, right.
So I think that's the biggestchallenge is owning our own
stuff first and figuring outokay, why is my body having this
(47:02):
reaction to a baby crying or toa toddler flailing on the floor
?
Why can't I stay regulated andcalm in this moment?
And again, not to pathologize,childhood, but it could be from
your childhood, it could be fromyour personality, it could be
because of how you're wired andcreated, and so I think that's
(47:24):
the biggest challenge.
And then also cultural andcaring about what other people
think and if judgment, and wehave a whole laundry list of
those types of things too.
And then you said that I havefound a lot of tools and
strategies.
And yes, it's starting with mefirst, and we had Andy Martineau
on the podcast.
I really like her STEER model.
(47:45):
It's really helpful too.
What are the S-T-E-R?
In my training we call itsomething different.
Speaker 2 (47:54):
Yeah, so she says steer is situation, thought,
emotion, action, result.
So that's kind of like thecycle that we live, and
sometimes we have thoughts andemotions that we're choosing
into that don't lead to theactions and results that we want
, and so we have to change thosethoughts and emotions and I
(48:15):
think that your work is superclosely aligned to doing that
work right, like when you'resaying start with you.
That's what we're talking about.
Like we really need to figureout what's triggering our
nervous system so that we canshow up in a way where we're
able to be a co-regulatingoption, a partner for our kids
when they're having thesedysregulated moments.
Speaker 1 (48:37):
Yeah, absolutely with jai.
You know their framework.
They call it anchor and it'svery similar.
I'm trying to like pull up.
It's not that I can't recallwhat the actual words mean,
because I've embodied, like,these processes and these
frameworks, so i'm'm not like,oh, a is this and N is this.
It's just become part of how Iam and the way I interact with
(49:01):
my kids, and so it does reallystart with awareness, though,
and being aware.
Okay, I'm feeling this, justtaking deep breaths.
Breath work has been huge for me, also understanding that what
might work for me may not workfor you.
When my son was working with apsychologist, she discovered she
(49:24):
would put him up to you knowpulse ox and see, like, where
his heart rate was for differentthings.
If there was noise present, hisheart rate would stay elevated.
If he was sitting, his heartrate would stay elevated.
He would need to be standing upor laying flat for his heart
rate to come down, because thatis his unique individual body.
(49:46):
That is what he needs to beable to come to regulation, and
so you as a parent, me as aparent, we're going to have
different strategies and tools.
That's why I really strugglewith some of the things out
there able to come to regulation, and so you as a parent, me as
a parent, we're going to havedifferent strategies and tools.
That's why I really strugglewith some of the things out
there.
Some books is like, if you dothis, then this is what is going
to result in or you know you,here's your toolbox and I have
lots of toolboxes and things andI do have all these.
(50:08):
But I want to make sure there'sa caveat here that you have to
do what works best with you andit really starts with attunement
.
So you got to have thisawareness and be really aware of
your thoughts and beliefs andthen really tap into your
intuition and be attuned to whatyour kids need, because this is
(50:29):
just a beautiful gift I keepsaying beautiful gift, but it's
a beautiful gift that we've beengiven to be able to raise these
little beings and to have thisspecial superpower of intuition
and of attunement, starting withmyself and then seeing what my
kids' needs are.
So if I've done a lot of workright to be able to stay in
(50:54):
dorsal or not dorsal, to stay inventral vagal and to be able to
stay in that higher sense ofself, that's like my social
engagement system.
We're talking about the nervoussystem.
We can link to our nervoussystem episode.
That really really dives intothis.
And so if I can keep myself atleast one foot in ventral vagal
(51:15):
and I might have some energized.
There might be some energy here,but then I really need to pay
attention to myself first andthen I can start to work on my
kids' needs and what they'reneeding and I teach them a lot
of the same tools and we hadSamantha Snowden on from the
(51:37):
anger management workbook doinga lot of workbooks and those
kinds of things.
She has amazing tools in thatbook and I'm learning alongside
my kids.
And so, again, making sure Istart with myself first and then
I look at okay, making sure Istart with myself first, and
then I look at okay, here arethe behaviors, and I'm kind of
like a scientist.
(51:58):
It's like here's the data thatI have, this is what's happening
.
Let's figure out what the rootcause is and let's get to the
root of what this behavior ismeaning, because when kids are
little, they aren't able to tellyou exactly what they feel.
Even if they have high languageability, they still might not
be able to tell you what's goingon.
Speaker 2 (52:20):
So just putting these things together, how do you
feel like culture building anintentional family culture helps
kids with strong emotions.
How do these things connect?
Speaker 1 (52:29):
You can always go back to your values and to your
commitment to each other, andthe bottom line is that
unconditional love, no matterwhat, no matter how you are
behaving, no matter how big youremotions are, you matter to me.
(52:52):
Imagine, imagine a world whereevery adult that you know grew
up in that, and how differentthings would be.
And so we have the opportunity.
We know better so we can dobetter.
There is so much science andresearch and just so many
(53:13):
longitudinal studies all thesethings that we have access to
now and functional MRIs and justso much more that we know, and
I mean we have too much accessto all this information.
It is like almost, you know,information overload, but now we
can do better.
I feel like there shouldn't bean excuse of raising kids in a
(53:36):
way that hinders theirdevelopment.
Speaker 2 (53:39):
Can you share a success story, maybe, where
you've seen this approach work?
Because I think if I waslistening to this I would be
maybe thinking like oh, but notmy kid.
Like my kid's emotions are toobig, too intense.
Like this won't work.
Speaker 1 (53:54):
Well define what you mean by work.
Speaker 2 (53:59):
Well, it won't help my kid become more emotionally
regulated.
Speaker 1 (54:04):
So I think it's important to look at like what
the goal of?
Is it so that your child isjust behaving like culture wants
them to be too, or is it tomake them feel unconditionally
loved, no matter what?
The very first parent coachingclient that I had, she has a set
(54:25):
of twins and at the time theywere five.
And then she has a youngerdaughter who's I think she's
about three years younger thanthe twins, and at the time,
before working with me, she hadnever heard of the word
neurodivergence.
She didn't see some of thesesigns or behaviors or things
(54:47):
that would fit that.
But her husband knew that hewas dyslexic, which falls under
the neurodivergent umbrella.
And when she first came to me,she's like I'm reading all these
books and they're telling me todo all these things and I'm
trying to do all these thingsand nothing's working, kind of
like what you're saying.
(55:07):
And so over time we redefinedwhat working meant.
We redefined what she needed toyou know how to resource
herself, and we really helpedchange the paradigm of what her
role was as a parent and by theend it was just amazing.
(55:28):
She no longer was just living infear of judgment of others
because of the way her kids werebehaving.
She was able to then I meanbecause this was years ago and
she was able to get themdiagnoses and I mean there's a
whole list of different thingsthat they have and they have
additional needs.
She was able to talk to herhusband and say, hey look, this
(55:54):
is how our kids are wired.
Being in traditional school isjust making things so much worse
.
Their emotions are gettingbigger.
They're in a constant state ofstress.
She now homeschools them and,yes, they still have emotions.
Yes, they still have emotions.
Yes, they still have bigbehaviors, but they're getting
their needs met in a way thatweren't getting met before,
(56:18):
because she wasn't meeting herown needs.
So I think that is the biggestpiece of this is not to go into
it going, oh okay, so if I printall these printables and I
follow all these things, then mykids are just going to be
perfect.
They're not going to haveemotions.
That's not the point.
The point is just ensuring thatour kids are getting their
(56:41):
developmental needs met, and alot of us adults didn't get
those developmental needs met,so we didn't have that modeled.
We don't even know what thatmeans.
So that's why it's reallyimportant to do this work and
then over time, I feel like justour mindset, our paradigms,
they'll change to a place whereyou can no matter what's
(57:01):
happening, emotions or whatever.
I can feel this just we're inthis together.
That is how family culture andhaving a strong family culture
and being intentional and havinga strong purpose, that is what
that does.
Speaker 2 (57:24):
You just have that to lean on.
That's amazing, I think whatI'm we're going to wrap up here,
but what I'm drawing from ourconversation is one like a
recommitment to being moreintentional with my kids.
Like a recommitment to beingmore intentional with my kids.
I feel like I parent in aloosely adjacent way, but I feel
like it's just kind of like notbeen as like focused as I want
it to be.
So I'm recommitting, so thankyou, and also I just feel an
(57:47):
incredible amount of hopebecause there are so many
parents out there that arereally, really struggling.
And I look back before I likeunderstood these ideas and
principles and I had really badpostpartum depression and I had
a three-year-old who was likekicking me in my pregnant
stomach and like all of theselike big, big things, and I
didn't have these tools.
And I am so like, on the onehand, like deeply sad that
(58:12):
you're going to be leaving theKindle podcast, but also so, so
excited for you and for all ofthe impact that you're going to
have in the world, the parentsand the families you're going to
reach, and I'm just so full ofhope and excitement for you.
So tell our listeners how theycan stay connected with you, how
they can follow your work andget involved with Raising Kids
(58:33):
with Purpose.
Speaker 1 (58:34):
I encourage anyone if they're having a struggle or a
challenge.
I get people that email me allthe time and I am a real human
here and I really, really careabout you.
And you can email me at AdrianeA-D-R-I-A-N-E.
At Raising Kids with Purposethe blog and the website I'm
doing an overhaul, so by thetime this gets published, it
(58:56):
should be a brand new websiteand has all my programs and all
the different ways that I canhelp you.
It's RaisingKidsWithPurposecom.
Instagram same handle, soeverything is Raising Kids With
Purpose.
Speaker 2 (59:10):
Love that.
Thank you for coming on theKindle podcast and for all of
the things you've done forcoming on the Kindle podcast and
for all of the things you havedone on the.
Speaker 1 (59:19):
Kindle podcast.
Sorry if that did not soundgood in your ears.
I just saw this has been okay.
I can't just say that's it.
Katie, I want to thank you somuch for just allowing me to
come on this ride with you.
I was terrified that firstepisode that we did, especially
(59:39):
our first interview.
I was shaking, I had to changemy clothes afterwards because I
was sweating so bad and I feellike you have just pushed me to
be in my learning frontier andso what you're doing at Prenda
and what you're creating atPrenda, you live out and you are
all about empowering people.
So I just want to publiclythank you for empowering me and
(01:00:03):
just, we really grew together inthis podcast and I'm just not
ready to say bye but it's time.
Speaker 2 (01:00:12):
It has been quite the ride and quite the journey and
I just want to publicly thankadrian for everything she's done
.
You guys, the kindled podcastwould not exist without this
lady behind the scenes.
She does so much, um.
And also I just want to thankour editing crew, amy lashana,
um, everyone who participates inthis, this work that we do.
(01:00:33):
It's an important work.
It's not over, but we'reentering a new era of it, and
(01:00:58):
just want to recognize all ofthe hard work and passion that's
been put into this, somethingthat you can use to fuel your
love for kids and for yourpassion to protect them and to
advocate for them, because theyreally they don't have a voice
in this world and they need moreof us to stand up and be that
voice for them.
And when we understand theirbrains and their needs and all
the things we talked about hereon the Kindle podcast, that's
when we can be really strongadvocates and that's why we do
what we do.
So thank you to our listenersand thank you, adrian.
(01:01:20):
And now, because I've nevermade a guest read the outro, I'm
going to read the full outro bymyself, ready.
The Kindle podcast is brought toyou by prenda.
Prenda makes it easy for you tostart and run an amazing micro
school based on all the ideas wetalked about here on the kindle
(01:01:40):
podcast.
If you want more informationabout being a coming up prenda
guide, go to prendacom.
If this episode was helpful foryou, please like, subscribe and
follow us on social media atprenda learn.
If you have questions you'dlike to us address, leave a
comment or email us at podcastat Prendacom.
Sorry, that last part was likenot great because that's the
part that Adrian usually doesand so it's my first time.
(01:02:01):
So forgive me and Adrian, Ilove you.
You did great.
Speaker 1 (01:02:07):
I love you.
See, when you said I love you,I was like I love you, Katie,
thank you, thank you, thank you.
Once I started viewing parenting as not.
Oh, I'm here to control mychild and make them behave a
certain way and sit still and bequiet and be compliant purpose
and be able to provide and givethem what they need, and
figuring out what those needsare.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Hi and welcome to the Kindled podcast where we dig
into the art and science behindkindling, the motivation,
curiosity and mental well-beingof the young humans in our lives
.
Speaker 1 (00:39):
Together, we'll discover practical tools and
strategies you can use to helpkids unlock their full potential
and become the strongestversion of their future selves.
Together, we'll discoverpractical tools and strategies
you can use to help kids unlocktheir full potential and become
the strongest version of theirfuture selves.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
Welcome to the Kindle podcast everyone.
Adrienne.
Hi, how are you?
What's new at your house?
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Hi, what's new at my house?
Just got back from a campingtrip.
Oh fun, How'd it go?
It was a long weekend.
We got lost in the desert alittle trying to find how was
your weekend.
I got lost in the desert.
I got lost in the desert.
We live in Arizona and we arecamping in more I wouldn't say
(01:27):
northern arizona, but central,so it's still.
It's high desert, so it's notlike just sororo, cacti and you
know, uh, teddy bear, cholla,and where there's no coverage.
So we at least had some treesbut we were trying to find a
(01:48):
water hole.
I read a blog post and I sentit to the other family that we
were with.
We read it, I screenshotted itbecause I knew we weren't going
to have any service when we wereout there.
So that's interesting too ishelping kids navigate an area
without GPS, without having maps, or we can't just look this up,
(02:08):
you know.
So we came very prepared and wehad all the things that we
needed and this blog post saidit is very hard to find.
However, if you follow theseexact directions, you can get
there.
Well, they failed to put apart.
You get to a fork in the road.
Before you get to, there's thislike stone structure house
(02:31):
that's really really old.
It was probably, you know,built by whoever used to reside
in that desert, and we didn'tsee that.
But there was a fork in theroad and so there were people
behind us who had been therebefore, but had been years, and
so they were like, oh, we goright, and my intuition told me
(02:51):
to go left.
But it was going up away fromthe water instead of going down
towards the water, but it feltlike more of the main trail.
We had lots of people with us.
The people behind us were likenope, this is the way we go.
So we followed them and theywere incorrect, and so they
disappeared.
I don't know where they endedup, but they also didn't have
dogs and they didn't have littlekids.
(03:12):
We had like five and six yearolds with us, and so it was very
different dynamics.
They could just walk over allthese big, massive rocks and to
get to where they were going,whereas we had to take a trail
because of all the things.
So then dog's paws were burningbecause we didn't have boots
for them, and these are thingsthat you have to think about
when you live in Arizona.
If you live somewhere likewhere I'm from in Pennsylvania,
(03:36):
you don't think about puttingboots on your dog because the
sand gets so hot, and so,anyways, we had some really
disappointed kids.
We ended up going down to thewater.
We made the best of it becausewe just needed to get cooled off
and it was still beautiful.
It's just where we were campingalso had that same water.
(03:58):
We were just further up thecreek, but there were rapids and
the kids made the best of it.
There just wasn't a swimminghole where they could dive into
it from a rock, and that's whatthey were looking forward to.
And so after the fact, I wasthinking about while it was
happening just allowed everyoneto be frustrated.
People were complaining andsaying, oh, because we had
(04:19):
turned back around, but then wedidn't get to that one top trail
, and so there was just a lot ofcomplaining and a lot of just
frustration, and that's normal,that's part of life.
And after the fact, after wegot back, I was reflecting on
the whole situation and it mademe think about how that's how
(04:41):
life is.
But yet we tried to create allthese experiences for our kids
so that there is no frustration,there is no failure.
And so, because I was gettingreally, really hard on myself, I
should have listened to myintuition.
I should have, because when wecame out of there, we did find a
couple, because we kept runninginto people and they had no
(05:03):
idea where they were goingeither.
So I mean, it is a hard place tofind, apparently, and so, and
we took a really crazy dirt roadto get there.
So it was.
You know, we're going five to10 miles an hour, so it's not
easy to get to even in the car.
And so we ran into people andthey told us oh yeah, it's right
up here.
You find the little stonestructure and you turn right,
(05:27):
and but stone structure.
And you turn right, and but atthat point we had been in the
woods, you know or not?
Woods in the desert for twohours with grumpy kids.
We didn't pack lunches, we hadfood, uh, and we had dogs with
hot paws, so we and the cloudswere stacking up, and so, and
also in places like that, flashflooding is a real thing, where
it won't be raining, where youare and all of a sudden, you
(05:50):
know water can come from upCreek and like, wipe you out.
And so we saw the dark cloudsand decided to turn back, and so
I, we had a really goodconversation with the kids, so I
was like now it's going to feeleven more triumphant and more
exciting when we do this again.
We can't give up.
Number one it's going to beabout a year.
(06:11):
So there's delayedgratification because we're at
the end of the season.
We're not going to be able togo until next year.
There's so many really goodthings that came out of this,
even though it was kind ofstinky, that we didn't make it
to our destination.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
Wow.
Leave it to Adrienne to spin.
I got lost in the desert intolike a beautiful analogy for
life, like love that I'm goingto be thinking about that all
day now.
Thank you, which leads us to asad thing.
We have to tell you all thatthis is going to be Adrienne's
last episode as co-host on theKindle podcast, and we're so sad
(06:49):
about this.
She has another adventure thatshe is going to set off on
Hopefully not like the adventureshe went on this weekend where
she gets lost in the desert, buthappy adventure.
Adrienne, do you want to tellus a little bit about what
you're doing?
Speaker 1 (07:05):
Yeah, so while I've been at Prenda, right when I
first started, I had gonethrough parent coaching
certification program throughthe Jai Institute for Parenting,
and it's rooted in consciousparenting.
I don't really subscribe to acertain parenting style because
(07:26):
I feel like as long as we'relooking at the
neurodevelopmental needs of ourkids and what we need and how to
resource ourselves, that's howwe show up and are able to
parent kids in a healthy,psychologically emotional,
healthy way.
Healthy, psychologicallyemotional, healthy way.
But you can call it consciousparenting, gentle parenting,
(07:53):
positive parenting it probablyfalls under all of those
umbrellas.
And so I had, before Prenda, Ihad started a blog called
Raising Kids with Purpose.
I worked really hard to figureout all the technology, which
was hard for me to grow a blog,grow Pinterest accounts, grow an
Instagram, and so while atPrenda, I am so thankful I was
able to resurface a lot of thatcontent and rewrite it for our
(08:19):
blog at Prenda and then alsoable to collaborate with my
Instagram accounts, becausesocial media is hard for my
mental health.
I think it is hard for a lot ofpeople's mental health.
So, yeah, so I'm going, I'mfull out, going to be a parent
coach where I can work withparents to help them find the
(08:43):
joy in parenting, and kind oflike what we do at Prenda for
kids.
We empower them and we createenvironments that their brains
are safe and they're able togrow in healthy ways.
I want to do that for parentsand families because, in order
for me to reach the kids, I canreally make an impact if I can
(09:06):
help their parents to see howamazing they are.
And also I plan to be a parenteducator and speaker and do
workshops and things like that,maybe for schools.
I'm part of a group called theMomCo things like that maybe for
(09:27):
schools.
Or I'm part of a group calledthe mom co, and so there's a ton
of mom co meetups all over thestate of Arizona.
So you know, I just got ontheir speaker list, so hopefully
I can go out and speak to thosegroups too and just make an
impact in parents' lives.
Speaker 2 (09:38):
It's going to be so amazing.
We're going to miss all of yourwisdom and knowledge and
funness and playfulness on theKindle podcast.
The Kindle podcast willcontinue.
I just won't have Adrian'sbeautiful shining face on every
week, which I am not going totalk about.
How sad I am about that.
(09:58):
But this for this episode.
I am going to interview thefounder of Raising Kids with
Purpose, Adrienne Thompson, andit's going to be great.
Here we go.
You ready for this, Adrienne?
Welcome to the Kindle podcast.
Speaker 1 (10:15):
So are you ready for this?
I'm not ready for it to be mylast episode, Katie, but yes I'm
ready.
Let's dive in.
Let's dive in on what it's liketo be, you know, raise kids
with purpose.
What does that mean?
Speaker 2 (10:29):
Yep, let's do it.
So tell us a bit about yourbackground and how you came to
the work you're doing and whatyour big why is.
Speaker 1 (10:35):
Yeah, so my background.
We always ask guests this andsome go really far back and some
just go with the work thatthey're doing, and so where do I
want to start?
So I grew up in an environmentwhere my parents did the
absolute best they could.
I moved in with my dad andstepmom when I was about six and
(10:57):
they worked a lot all the time,and then they had two kids who
I helped take care of and I wasthere with them after school,
before school, even when I wasfirst grade, second grade, fully
getting myself up and ready andoff to.
I was doing a lot of things onmy own, but I also was very
(11:21):
mature, and I mean theenvironment probably made that,
but also that's just who I amand my innate personality.
I'm very driven, I was verymature and I mean the
environment probably made that,but also that's just who I am
and my innate personality.
I'm very driven, I'm verymotivated, I want to do well,
and so that really impacted.
Whenever I became a parent, Iwas thinking I have a clean
slate.
My parents didn't yell, myparents didn't late.
(11:46):
My parents didn't yell, myparents didn't, you know like.
I didn't have all thistumultuous environment that you,
you know, hear of like whenadults or when they become a
parent and they struggle.
I didn't have a lot of that,but I didn't also have the what
I was needing to, you know, beraised in an emotionally healthy
environment.
There was no one.
I mean, they were there whenthey were home, right, but there
(12:09):
were a lot of times where Ijust did not have a caring adult
to co-regulate with and todevelop with, and so that did
impact.
When I had kids and I knew,before I had my son, I read
positive discipline.
I loved the framework, feltlike I was going to be a
positive discipline parent,which I still do agree with some
(12:35):
of the concepts in the positivediscipline framework, but I do
still feel like it's a littlemore.
Rewards and punishment or knoware not punishment, but I don't
know.
Do you know much about thepositive discipline?
Speaker 2 (12:50):
I don't.
I was just going to ask you totell us a little bit, but only
if it's a part of your story.
Speaker 1 (12:55):
Yes, and so we can put a link in the show notes.
Okay, let's do that.
And it's used in a lot ofschools.
And it's where, basically, youfocus just on the positive and
you essentially ignore thenegatives.
And then, as I started to dowork on my own, I was like, oh,
my kids still need me to bepresent, they still need my
presence and co-regulation, notjust to completely ignore them.
(13:17):
And I don't even think that'swhat was in the framework, but
that's what I got from it.
But I knew that I wanted tohave a positive environment.
And then I was gifted with kidswho are neurodivergent and who
are different and they don't fitthe typical norms of the way
kids are supposed to behave.
(13:38):
That was really hard for mebecause I am a rule follower and
I got all of my worth and valuefrom following the rules and I
was really good at getting thosestickers and filling up the
sticker charts as a child andgetting a lot of positive
(14:01):
feedback for being good.
So when I had a child who hadbig behaviors, it wasn't that he
was bad or good, and thatparadigm started to shift too,
of not viewing children as goodor bad and labeling them as good
or bad.
It's just there are somechallenging behaviors or wanted
behaviors, unwanted behaviors,and so, little by little, I
(14:24):
started just reading more andmore parenting books and more
things about how to raise a kidthat had bigger behaviors and
needed to move his body a lotand that's actually the most
popular blog post I have.
It's called what I wish I wouldhave known when my son was a
(14:47):
toddler or something aroundalong those lines, and it was
because he literally would belike a bull in the middle of the
living room and kick up his legand just run into the wall and
try to knock himself out.
I had no idea what was going on.
I would ask people at hisdaycare, like what is happening,
and they would just tell me oh,just don't let him do it.
(15:07):
But no one said why is he doingthis?
And it was because he neededproprioceptive input that he
wasn't getting and so little.
Over time I started justlearning these concepts and
learning about the brain andlearning oh my gosh, like the
way our culture is telling us toparent kids is.
So it's the antithesis to whatthey're actually needing and
(15:29):
giving them these developmentalneeds that they have.
So that just sent me on ajourney, and I don't remember
how old my oldest was when Iread the Whole Brain Child by Dr
Dan Siegel and Tina PayneBryson.
Siegel and Tina Payne Brysoncompletely changed my world.
(15:49):
They really help you dive into.
This is what actually works andwhy it does, because this is
what's happening in your very,very, very underdeveloped brains
that your child has.
And so once I started viewingparenting as not oh, I'm here to
control my child and make thembehave a certain way and sit
still and be quiet and becompliant, instead, view them as
(16:12):
like.
I have such an opportunity tohelp them grow and experience
life and find purpose and beable to provide and give them
what they need and figuring outwhat those needs are, instead of
just slapping band-aids.
(16:36):
Sticker charts, work charts Iwas the queen of those.
I had every kind of jar youcould think of, like cotton
balls that you would put in, andevery kind of jar, every kind
of chart, and guess what?
None of those worked, go figure, because I wasn't getting to
the root cause.
(16:57):
So that sent me on a journey toreally discover how my kids
were wired.
To really discover how my kidswere wired, and in that process
I started to basically reparentmyself and discover how I was
wired.
I'm also neurodivergent and Ijust learned so many things that
(17:17):
I feel like would have beenhelpful to know growing up.
So I'm just trying to breakthese generational patterns and
to show up in a way and to notonly heal but also really pay
attention to my nervous system,to my thoughts, to my beliefs,
(17:40):
and just show up every singleday.
And so that turned into thisblog, raising Kids With Purpose.
I wrote a lot of content aroundthese things really diving into
strong family culture.
Couldn't find a lot of books onit, so maybe one day I'll write
a book about creating a strongfamily culture.
(18:01):
Yeah, and I love I'm reallycreative and that's something
that I've always loved doingsince I was a child is creating.
So I've created a lot ofprintables and a lot of them I
have transformed and they're onPrenda's blog as well, and so I
create a lot of printables andtoolkits and things that not
only are for parents but alsoserve the child and they can do
with the child child and theycan do with the child, and so
(18:28):
lots of just really easy,practical tools to help parents
create an environment wherekids' brains are able to develop
in a safe way.
Speaker 2 (18:35):
I love that.
Yeah, so much of your worksurrounds helping parents build
a strong family culture, so Iwant to spend some time digging
into that.
What does that mean to you, andhow do you go about helping
parents bring some intentioninto what they're building in
their families?
Speaker 1 (18:53):
I think it's really important to address that.
In a family system, there areso many different personalities
and needs, and once you may havespecial needs, you may have
disorders.
There may be a lot of thingsgoing on within a family system
(19:13):
because people are messy, andthe more people you have in your
family, the messier it could be.
And so creating a strong familyculture to me is having a
commitment to each other, nomatter what, and having this
unconditional love.
Alfie Kohn that was a book Iread in the beginning of my
(19:34):
journey too is calledUnconditional Parenting.
Is it Unconditional Parenting?
Unconditional Parenting, yeah,yes, and about how we
inadvertently create conditionsaround our love for our kids.
And so having a commitment,having true, unconditional love
(19:54):
not, oh well, you didn't listento me, so I'm not going to lay
with you tonight no matter howyou behave or how you act and
this goes for you know, withyour spouse, with your kids,
like in the whole family unit,having good communication and
having shared values andtraditions and a lot of you know
(20:16):
the traditions, kind of andeven not just traditions, but
rules and boundaries, and allthese things you have set up are
all tied to your family values.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
Yeah, how do you discover that for yourself?
Talk more about family values.
And if I'm just a person who'snever thought about this,
because that's how parenting isYou're a person, you're yourself
, and then suddenly you have ababy and it's like, oh, we have
not had classes, or like there'sparenting books.
So like you're not, we're notprepared for this at all, and
(20:50):
it's so funny because we havelike master's degrees for all of
these like things in the world.
It's like, man, I wish I couldhave like a master's degree in
like developing, helping kids,raise, like raising kids with
purpose, or like identifying ourfamily values.
Like this is not like a normalthing that we all go through
when we start having kids.
So talk a little bit more about, uh, so just some practical
(21:13):
strategies, maybe.
Yeah, so with values.
Speaker 1 (21:15):
I do have two blog posts on this.
One is about defining andfinding your values, and I do
have a full values family valuestoolkit with lots of different
printables in there so that youcan work together as a family
unit to figure out what yourvalues are.
And then I have another one onhow to make your family values
(21:36):
stick.
So, defining your values, youcan start with just asking
questions, and we do this infamily meetings, and so we have
a family meeting time where youcould do weekly.
I have a friend, amy Carney.
She wrote a book aboutpurposeful parenting to parent
on purpose and she does it oncea month and she has it printable
(21:58):
on her blog that you can accessas well.
If you have older kids.
It works really well, and so inour family meeting we can sit
down, go through the toolkit andstart by asking some questions.
So here's some questions.
So like, what qualities do youvalue in other families?
So look at what other familiesare around you, and if you're on
(22:22):
social media, that's probablyreally easy to do.
Look at what other people areposting for their highlight
reels, look at celebrities, lookat friends, people that maybe,
if you go to church, look atfamilies in the church, look at
families in the Bible,whatever's important to you
already.
Start by that.
Look at qualities that otherfamilies have and write them
(22:43):
down.
You can also how do you wanteveryone to feel when you're all
at home?
Do you want people to feelunsafe?
Do you want people to feel likeyou know this my brother's
going to constantly be puttingme down?
Or not feel good, feel isolatedalone?
Typically not, so ask thefamily these questions.
(23:05):
How do you want to feel whenyou are in these walls in our
home?
How do you spend time together?
Think about what do you do whenyou're together?
What do you do when you'reapart?
As I'm asking these questions,I can already visualize what it
is for my family like for you.
No-transcript, yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:31):
I think I can easily answer them.
I'm trying to imagine theconversation with my kids now
and what their input would be,and I think that getting that
shared vision is actually moreimportant.
I mean, it's important forparents to be like this is what
we stand for, but then it's likethat's great, stand for that,
all you want, if you don't havethe buy-in of your kids.
(23:51):
So you're like, if you can'trally the troops around that
cause like that idea, then it'snot going to happen anyway.
So, um, it's actually justgoing to cause like discord,
because then you'll be like well, I wish our house was like this
and no one else wants so.
Uh, I'm just trying to imagine.
Speaker 1 (24:06):
so I want to ask you that because you can, but you
could start with you.
That's why I asked you, becauseit's like, okay, can you answer
these questions?
Yes, okay.
So then, and it's important,what you just said, too, is not
to put your own ideas onto yourkids and to give them that space
to be able to answer themauthentically and real, and not
(24:28):
put them down if they're notanswering the way you want to.
But it is important that youstart answering these questions
yourself so that you can go okay, these are things that I value.
So other questions are arethere character flaws and others
that drive you crazy?
Are there things in otherpeople or other families that
you're like I'm not a fan ofthat, and how they do things
(24:51):
that way?
And then what do you findyourself repeating over and over
again, and on my blog post Iput besides, get your shoes on.
You have a strong familycommitment to shoes.
Yes to shoes.
Get your shoes on, get out thedoor, get in the car.
We actually don't have thatvalue.
Speaker 2 (25:11):
My kids very rarely wear shoes.
Get in the car.
We actually don't have thatvalue.
My kids very rarely wear shoes.
There you go.
Speaker 1 (25:18):
I love that.
Unfortunately, my kids go toenvironments where they need
shoes, but anyway.
And then you can also reflecton the values that you grew up
with and this isn't just you,but your husband or your spouse
or your partner.
What values do you each bringto the table and what did you
like, what you didn't like?
(25:38):
And then think about how youspend time together and how you
spend time apart which I thinkwe've already said that and so
you just start writing thosethings down and then in the
toolkit I have a whole list ofvalues to give you an idea.
I think there's like a hundred,some different values on that
list and they're all divided bycategories.
(26:00):
So you know faith, financesthere's a ton of different
categories that you can.
And then there's a familymission poster to create a
family mission statement, andthen you can put your main
values and all the differentcategories around it, put it on
the poster.
We have ours hanging up in ourkitchen so that we can see daily
(26:21):
, and so if we start behaving inways that don't match up with
those values, I just say, hey,look at the poster, are we
living up to those values?
And just pointing everything tothose values.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
Yeah, I think that's such a healthy way.
We do that in part of microschools too Like we have to
define the values.
We have to define what livingthose values looks like and does
not look like, and then we allhave to agree that we want that
together and then it's not likethis battle between parents
trying to get kids to act acertain way.
Kids grow up understanding whythese things are important and
having a voice into what isimportant.
(26:54):
And understanding why thesethings are important and having
a voice into what is importantand I think that you know we
always say like way in leads tobuy in.
So if you have this opportunity, this platforms family meetings
or like these discussions wherekids feel like, oh yeah, like I
noticed this and like I couldhave a voice into the family,
like that is so, so empowering.
It's making me think of thistime.
We never had family meetings.
Growing up Wasn't a thing inthe Neiman household.
(27:16):
We did sometimes have, we triedsometimes, but it was like
there's a lot of like fighting,because there's always like a
football game on or somethingthat, like everyone else wanted
to do.
So we'd never quite got there,but it reminds me of in college
I, uh, my brother, who I'm veryclose to, and I went to college
(27:38):
roughly the same time and we'vesuddenly realized that our
family was very weird, becausewe've suddenly had like
roommates who were telling usabout what their families were
like, and like we saw otherinteractions and we're like, oh,
we're weird, like then theneiman family culture of like
not saying I love you, mockingeach other openly and like just
being very sarcastic and likethat was our family culture.
(28:00):
Those are like sarcasm.
That was like the values thatwe had growing up, which was
funny sometimes, I will say, butnot super empowering or like
cozy feeling.
Anyways, my family did not say Ilove you ever.
I think my mom did sometimes,but my like, we're just not like
(28:21):
a huggy, I love you family.
And so my brother and I incollege decided that we were
going to start this like I loveyou revolution in our family and
like, even though it's going tobe awkward and hard, we were
just going to every single timewe talked to anyone in our
family, whenever we called home,we would say I love you and so
like, even as kids in a family,like trying to contribute to the
(28:42):
.
There was no like structurethat was given to us, like
inviting us into thatconversation to define it.
But we just made an observationnotice that we wanted it to
change and just took it uponourselves to like change the
family culture.
And now, now everyone says Ilove you, and it's not awkward,
and like we all say it to ourkids and like probably say I
love you to my kids like 900times a day and I it's just like
(29:03):
so possible to change things,like observe, notice, like
define what you want and then doit.
Speaker 1 (29:09):
Yeah, for me it was hard because I heard I love you
a lot, but it wasn't backed byaction, by my mom, and so, as I
got older, it was really hardfor me to say I love you or Eve,
I have friends that will tellme they love me, and I've had to
do a lot of work because Iheard that all the time.
(29:31):
But I think it also has to bebacked up by action, and, you
know, because words are onlywords, and so it sounds like,
though, it is backed up by theway you're treating each other
with kindness and loving ways.
So, then, that's where thosethat I love you's are more
impactful, and so, also I wroteabout this too is how to make
(29:56):
family values stick, and youstarted talking about this a
little bit.
So we can.
We need to define them first,agree okay, this is what we
agree that our family values are, and this is how we're going to
live, and we're going to committo doing this.
And so then, to make them stick, there's like a whole list of
(30:18):
things that you can do.
So, first of all, it's belief.
Every single person needs towork on what their belief system
is around those values, and youmight have a kid that doesn't
want a particular value that youput on the poster, and's okay
and so, but really checking inwith what your beliefs are and
(30:38):
then you want to define, whichwe already talked about what
defining those beliefs are anddefining what those values are.
Then we want to talk aboutthose values.
We don't want to just put themon a poster and just have them
hang up in our kitchen and thatbe it.
We want to keep pointing backto those values, talk about them
, point them out.
When I'm reading books, I'llpoint out family values of ours
(31:01):
that I see other charactersshare with us, or talk about
them when you're out in publicand you see that their living
values are similar or notsimilar to yours.
And just having that opendialogue, which is very, very
important.
And it's not just me talkingabout them.
My kids talk about the values alot too, because I'm modeling
(31:21):
that, which is part of this listtoo, and then you also want to
feel this might sound kind ofcheesy and corny, but we want to
embody those values.
And then we want to haveexperiences that spending time
together, family meal time,dinner time.
There's been so much researcharound how important having
(31:43):
dinner around the table is, andthat is one thing that was very
constant in my childhood is wehad dinner around the table
together, and it may have beenhamburger helper and cut up
vegetables, but that wassomething that we did.
Even if there were sports, evenif there were other things
going on, my dad would come homefrom work and we had dinner
(32:04):
around the table, and so that issomething where you're
experiencing what those familyvalues are.
And then last, which I alreadymentioned, is modeling.
You want to model those values.
So if you're screaming at yourkid and you can't regulate
yourself or you're tearing themdown or putting them down just
because that's how you kind ofrevert back to how you may have
(32:25):
been raised, you're not modelingwhat those values are, unless,
I mean, I couldn't imagine yourvalues are to be mean to each
other or to scream at each other, but maybe that is so, yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:38):
Well, it seems like it.
If you watched my house, itseemed maybe sometimes like that
was our value Anyways.
So what are some commonchallenges that parents face
when you're trying to set thisup and how can we overcome them?
Speaker 1 (32:52):
Yeah, so, you need to look at how you were raised,
how your partner was raised.
That I think is reallyimportant is not to be a victim
or pathologize every singlething that happened, and because
I think we can kind of get intothat rut and into that mindset.
(33:13):
But just be aware I thinkstarting with awareness is huge
and being looking at okay, thisis how he or she was raised,
this is how I was raised.
And then looking at culture,because maybe you're from
different cultures too.
You know, I have friends thathave spouses that are from other
(33:34):
countries, or they themselvestheir parents are from other
countries, and that reallycontributes to how you act and
your mindsets and your thoughts.
So that can be a challenge.
There could be generationalgaps, busy schedules, just
having so much to do and notreally taking the time.
Like I said, commitment to eachother requires spending time
(33:56):
together and being together, um,lack of communication or not
having communication.
That is positive that we kindof sometimes again,
self-awareness is huge step backand look at how are we
communicating to each other?
Uh, I kind of mentioned this,but external cultural influences
(34:16):
.
On the podcast, the two of ustalk a lot about how we view
technology different, how weview, you know, play different.
I mean, katie, you don't evengive your kids toys that have
batteries, you know.
So our culture, though, iscompletely different than that,
and so to really look at, okay,what am I doing this just
(34:38):
because someone else is tellingme to, or, like when we were
lost in the desert, I allowedanother family to impact our
decision, versus going with myintuition, and so it's kind of
like we can do that with culturea lot too.
Um, and then managingtechnology use, I think, is a
really big one.
We are up against devices andprograms and computers and the
(35:02):
internet and all these thingsthat don't want to raise healthy
, emotionally, psychologicallyhealthy kids.
It's all about money and powerand all the things, so we don't
have to dive totally into that,but we do have to look at that,
and then just looking at anyother major life events, so
those are some challenges thatparents can face, and this is
(35:25):
why, though, values are soimportant, and to have them
defined, because you couldalways circle back to them
despite anything being thrown atyou.
I think, sometimes, I'veenvisioned this fire is just
blazing around me, and yet I'mjust like in the movies, and
(35:45):
they just walk out.
You know, I'm thinking likeIndependence Day.
All these things are happening,and that's because I can circle
back to my values, and for me,one of my biggest values is my
faith, and I rely on thepromises that God has given me,
and so I think that's reallyhuge too.
Speaker 2 (36:02):
I love that.
How can a parent I'm thinkingabout this in my own family I'm
like, okay, I think our cultureis pretty good.
I haven't been as intentionalas I probably should have, like
gearing up for a new familymeeting, printing out your
printables in my mind already,but how can you know like what?
What are some signs thatparents could watch for if, like
(36:23):
, the culture is off, if theyneed to like get into the weeds
and like kind of dig into things.
What are some signs, like somewarning signs?
Speaker 1 (36:29):
Yeah, definitely some warning signs could be the
communication breakdown.
Look at how you'recommunicating with each other,
is it?
And for me, I am a highlyemotional person and highly
sensitive person.
They call them HSPs.
It's a thing linked to to thebook, it's a thing where my
(36:52):
nervous system is a lot moresensitive and I just feel.
And so for me, when I think,when things aren't going well, I
can feel it at a visceral leveland just really tapping into my
intuition on, okay, this is notfeeling good.
But then also, looking at howmuch time you're spending
(37:14):
together and how much timeyou're spending apart Katie, you
talk about this a lot and it'shelped me is kids.
As they hit adolescence, theirnatural tendency is to go to
peers and they want to startbranching out.
But it's really reallyimportant, like Gordon Neufeld
talks about, and hold on to yourkids is to make sure that home
(37:37):
is safe and that they come toyou first, not to their peers
first, and then that peer youknow influence and so, looking
at that, are they coming to youabout your problems or their
problems and challenges, or arethey going to their peers about
it or to other people about it?
So, look at communication.
I think is really, really bigsign of you know what's going on
(38:01):
and looking at behaviors too.
If you have a kid that islosing it a lot, having tantrums
, meltdowns, and it's nottypical there's probably a
breakdown somewhere and you needto like revisit what those
values are and then revisit okay, are they getting their core
needs met?
Speaker 2 (38:22):
yeah, this is just reminding me I just recently had
to set a boundary.
Something I love, I love aboutour community is like kids are
in and out of my house all thetime.
Kids, friends are knocking,like it's like very, it's a lot
of families in our neighborhoodand they feel very welcome and
like safe in my home and Ireally want that and that's
something that we've strived for.
(38:43):
That like anyone who knocks onthe door gets like, yes, come in
, here's a snack.
Like to create like a safeplace for kids.
But then I realized like that'sa great culture that you've
created.
It is.
But then I realized like, wow,these kids are in my house for
hours and we don't ever have any.
It's like, hey, then they gohome because it's dark and they
need to eat dinner and usuallysometimes I feed them and then I
(39:05):
send them home, but then it'sbedtime and we're just not.
I could see the peer culture wasoverwhelming our family culture
.
So I had to set a boundary oflike, okay, every night yeah,
it's totally a yes, anyone canplay here until 6pm and then
everyone goes home and it'sfamily time and we eat dinner
together.
And like I just had to set thatboundary.
And I could feel my kidswanting that because, but like
(39:29):
they didn't have the languagewith their friends to be like no
, I like just want to be with myfamily right now.
Like they didn't have thelanguage to say that, but they
felt that and I kind of feltlike I was taking something away
from them, like oh, they'regonna not like this rule that
mom's coming in with, and afterwe did that, and like we just
had this time, you could justfeel like the culture change and
they've actually said likethanks for doing that, like we
(39:50):
didn't realize, like that, likewe really need this time to just
like be us, you know, andthat's what they want.
And that's actually somethingthat I, my family, didn't spend
a lot of time together and itdidn't seem like anyone cared if
we never saw each other.
Um, and then when I was datingmy husband, I was like, oh my
gosh, he would like drive 12hours to like go home for the
(40:10):
weekend if there was like afamily thing or like his family
just is really intentional aboutbeing together.
And I'm like if I marry him,then he'll be intentional about
wanting to be with me and aboutour family.
Like I want that culture, andhere's the way that I can get
that um, so I think that'samazing you're able to.
Speaker 1 (40:30):
Yeah, that was amazing that you were able to
even see that, because yourbrain was still pretty probably
not fully developed then too.
So that's pretty amazing thatyou were able to see that in
your husband and how they wereintentional.
Or even this weekend when wewent camping, my oldest he's 14,
and he did not want to go.
(40:50):
So we changed plans.
We were planning on going andthen we weren't because we had a
sick kid.
And then we were planning ongoing and then we weren't
because there were stressfulsituations going on.
And so then we literally wehave an RV and it has everything
that we need, so really, wejust need clothes and food.
And so we made the decision inan hour and we're on the road,
(41:13):
and so my 14-year-old was notplanning on going camping
anymore because we told him weweren't, and so he did not want
to go.
His friends weren't able to makeit, but we were like this is
our family value of beingtogether.
And guess what?
He made the best of it.
We had so much fun and evengetting lost in the desert
together.
I mean, that's a core memory,though you know like we can take
(41:40):
these tough moments and we didit together.
And that's when we got in thetruck and it had started to rain
.
I told him.
I said I am so proud of us.
We did this together, like it.
They're like looking at me like, well, that sucked.
I was like, yes, but we didthis together, like how we were
together, which I think is sovaluable, and so we, you know,
versus doing it alone, I think,is just really really powerful.
(42:04):
Um, but yeah, so, even thoughhe didn't want to be with us, we
value our family, beingtogether and doing the hard
things, the easy things, thehappy things together, and so he
knows that and he's going togrow up with, hopefully, those
values of togetherness.
Speaker 2 (42:21):
I love that.
So we've spent a lot of timetalking about culture.
I want to shift gears a littlebit.
Another something else that youfocus on in raising kids with
purpose is helping parentsspecifically who have highly
emotional kids.
You've mentioned that you are ahighly sensitive person.
Your kids have sensitivenervous systems and some
neurodivergence and things likethat, so obviously your own
(42:42):
experience living this way hasinspired you to focus on this.
But what have you found to bethe most misunderstood aspect of
raising highly emotionalchildren Like?
What's your experience of thisworld been so far?
Speaker 1 (42:55):
It goes back to just how so many of our systems are
set up and the messages thatwe're getting about parenting.
You're a good parent if what?
If your kid is well behaved, ifthey can manage their emotions,
if they can sit still.
I mean, this is how our schoolsare set up.
This is so many things in ourculture are set up and so, like
(43:19):
I mentioned at the beginning, mykids didn't just sit still.
They had really really bigemotions and had lots of sensory
needs.
I didn't even know what thatmeant or what that was, and so I
feel like if you see a childthat is struggling to manage
(43:40):
their emotions, it doesn't meanthey're a bad kid.
It means that they aren'tgetting their needs met, and
what I've learned through parentcoaching training is that a
child's nervous system is 100%dependent on a caregiver's
nervous system to be able todevelop.
Katie talks about brainmaturation all the time and how
(44:02):
brain maturation is messy andloud and emotional, and so kids
are going to have really bigemotions and feelings and
behaviors.
And it is our responsibility andI mentioned, I said this word
earlier it is our gift to beable to provide presence and to
be able to provide regulationand love and support for these
(44:28):
kids whenever they're havingthese big feelings.
So I think that's the biggestmisconception is big feelings,
tantrums, meltdowns equate tobad kid, which is not at all
what's happening.
Their brains are just very,very under construction and they
have a long way to go, and somekids and some people have a lot
more needs than others, andwhat I'm seeing is it's more and
(44:53):
more kids have additional needs.
I'm not going to get into allof that, but there's a lot of
reasons for that, and one of thenumber one reasons is nutrient
deficiency in the brain.
We are not feeding our bodiesor getting the nutrients that
our brains need to create theneurotransmitters they need to
be able to regulate and todevelop in healthy ways.
(45:17):
So that's what I think isreally important is big
behaviors and feelings does notmean bad kid.
Yeah amen.
Speaker 2 (45:25):
I think that once you can kind of make that shift as
a parent, that one, my, my kidsbehavior does not make me a good
or a bad parent.
Like these things are separate.
My, my goodness as a parent iswhether or not I can maybe show
up for them, or you know, youcan define that for yourself,
but, like for me, it's like didI show up the way that I wanted
(45:45):
to for my kid when weexperienced developmentally
appropriate behavior?
Today you know that's likereframing that has really helped
me.
What are some other?
Some other challenges thatparents face in this, like
helping kids become moreemotionally regulated or being
present through these.
(46:05):
I mean, you have told so manystories of your kids and their
dysregulation and how you havefound all of these strategies to
stay regulated yourself throughtheir big emotions.
Can you kind of share whatthat's been like?
Speaker 1 (46:19):
Yeah, to answer your first part of your question.
The challenges that parentshave is if they did not grow in
an environment where they wereable to feel their feelings and
really focus on having expansivebeliefs about themselves or
didn't feel understood, seen andheard.
(46:41):
This can be really, really hardwhen a child is losing their
crap and you're just like whatthe heck do I do?
Because your nervous system isgoing to be triggered, right.
So I think that's the biggestchallenge is owning our own
stuff first and figuring outokay, why is my body having this
(47:02):
reaction to a baby crying or toa toddler flailing on the floor
?
Why can't I stay regulated andcalm in this moment?
And again, not to pathologize,childhood, but it could be from
your childhood, it could be fromyour personality, it could be
because of how you're wired andcreated, and so I think that's
(47:24):
the biggest challenge.
And then also cultural andcaring about what other people
think and if judgment, and wehave a whole laundry list of
those types of things too.
And then you said that I havefound a lot of tools and
strategies.
And yes, it's starting with mefirst, and we had Andy Martineau
on the podcast.
I really like her STEER model.
(47:45):
It's really helpful too.
What are the S-T-E-R?
In my training we call itsomething different.
Speaker 2 (47:54):
Yeah, so she says steer is situation, thought,
emotion, action, result.
So that's kind of like thecycle that we live, and
sometimes we have thoughts andemotions that we're choosing
into that don't lead to theactions and results that we want
, and so we have to change thosethoughts and emotions and I
(48:15):
think that your work is superclosely aligned to doing that
work right, like when you'resaying start with you.
That's what we're talking about.
Like we really need to figureout what's triggering our
nervous system so that we canshow up in a way where we're
able to be a co-regulatingoption, a partner for our kids
when they're having thesedysregulated moments.
Speaker 1 (48:37):
Yeah, absolutely with jai.
You know their framework.
They call it anchor and it'svery similar.
I'm trying to like pull up.
It's not that I can't recallwhat the actual words mean,
because I've embodied, like,these processes and these
frameworks, so i'm'm not like,oh, a is this and N is this.
It's just become part of how Iam and the way I interact with
(49:01):
my kids, and so it does reallystart with awareness, though,
and being aware.
Okay, I'm feeling this, justtaking deep breaths.
Breath work has been huge for me, also understanding that what
might work for me may not workfor you.
When my son was working with apsychologist, she discovered she
(49:24):
would put him up to you knowpulse ox and see, like, where
his heart rate was for differentthings.
If there was noise present, hisheart rate would stay elevated.
If he was sitting, his heartrate would stay elevated.
He would need to be standing upor laying flat for his heart
rate to come down, because thatis his unique individual body.
(49:46):
That is what he needs to beable to come to regulation, and
so you as a parent, me as aparent, we're going to have
different strategies and tools.
That's why I really strugglewith some of the things out
there able to come to regulation, and so you as a parent, me as
a parent, we're going to havedifferent strategies and tools.
That's why I really strugglewith some of the things out
there.
Some books is like, if you dothis, then this is what is going
to result in or you know you,here's your toolbox and I have
lots of toolboxes and things andI do have all these.
(50:08):
But I want to make sure there'sa caveat here that you have to
do what works best with you andit really starts with attunement
.
So you got to have thisawareness and be really aware of
your thoughts and beliefs andthen really tap into your
intuition and be attuned to whatyour kids need, because this is
(50:29):
just a beautiful gift I keepsaying beautiful gift, but it's
a beautiful gift that we've beengiven to be able to raise these
little beings and to have thisspecial superpower of intuition
and of attunement, starting withmyself and then seeing what my
kids' needs are.
So if I've done a lot of workright to be able to stay in
(50:54):
dorsal or not dorsal, to stay inventral vagal and to be able to
stay in that higher sense ofself, that's like my social
engagement system.
We're talking about the nervoussystem.
We can link to our nervoussystem episode.
That really really dives intothis.
And so if I can keep myself atleast one foot in ventral vagal
(51:15):
and I might have some energized.
There might be some energy here,but then I really need to pay
attention to myself first andthen I can start to work on my
kids' needs and what they'reneeding and I teach them a lot
of the same tools and we hadSamantha Snowden on from the
(51:37):
anger management workbook doinga lot of workbooks and those
kinds of things.
She has amazing tools in thatbook and I'm learning alongside
my kids.
And so, again, making sure Istart with myself first and then
I look at okay, making sure Istart with myself first, and
then I look at okay, here arethe behaviors, and I'm kind of
like a scientist.
(51:58):
It's like here's the data thatI have, this is what's happening
.
Let's figure out what the rootcause is and let's get to the
root of what this behavior ismeaning, because when kids are
little, they aren't able to tellyou exactly what they feel.
Even if they have high languageability, they still might not
be able to tell you what's goingon.
Speaker 2 (52:20):
So just putting these things together, how do you
feel like culture building anintentional family culture helps
kids with strong emotions.
How do these things connect?
Speaker 1 (52:29):
You can always go back to your values and to your
commitment to each other, andthe bottom line is that
unconditional love, no matterwhat, no matter how you are
behaving, no matter how big youremotions are, you matter to me.
(52:52):
Imagine, imagine a world whereevery adult that you know grew
up in that, and how differentthings would be.
And so we have the opportunity.
We know better so we can dobetter.
There is so much science andresearch and just so many
(53:13):
longitudinal studies all thesethings that we have access to
now and functional MRIs and justso much more that we know, and
I mean we have too much accessto all this information.
It is like almost, you know,information overload, but now we
can do better.
I feel like there shouldn't bean excuse of raising kids in a
(53:36):
way that hinders theirdevelopment.
Speaker 2 (53:39):
Can you share a success story, maybe, where
you've seen this approach work?
Because I think if I waslistening to this I would be
maybe thinking like oh, but notmy kid.
Like my kid's emotions are toobig, too intense.
Like this won't work.
Speaker 1 (53:54):
Well define what you mean by work.
Speaker 2 (53:59):
Well, it won't help my kid become more emotionally
regulated.
Speaker 1 (54:04):
So I think it's important to look at like what
the goal of?
Is it so that your child isjust behaving like culture wants
them to be too, or is it tomake them feel unconditionally
loved, no matter what?
The very first parent coachingclient that I had, she has a set
(54:25):
of twins and at the time theywere five.
And then she has a youngerdaughter who's I think she's
about three years younger thanthe twins, and at the time,
before working with me, she hadnever heard of the word
neurodivergence.
She didn't see some of thesesigns or behaviors or things
(54:47):
that would fit that.
But her husband knew that hewas dyslexic, which falls under
the neurodivergent umbrella.
And when she first came to me,she's like I'm reading all these
books and they're telling me todo all these things and I'm
trying to do all these thingsand nothing's working, kind of
like what you're saying.
(55:07):
And so over time we redefinedwhat working meant.
We redefined what she needed toyou know how to resource
herself, and we really helpedchange the paradigm of what her
role was as a parent and by theend it was just amazing.
(55:28):
She no longer was just living infear of judgment of others
because of the way her kids werebehaving.
She was able to then I meanbecause this was years ago and
she was able to get themdiagnoses and I mean there's a
whole list of different thingsthat they have and they have
additional needs.
She was able to talk to herhusband and say, hey look, this
(55:54):
is how our kids are wired.
Being in traditional school isjust making things so much worse
.
Their emotions are gettingbigger.
They're in a constant state ofstress.
She now homeschools them and,yes, they still have emotions.
Yes, they still have emotions.
Yes, they still have bigbehaviors, but they're getting
their needs met in a way thatweren't getting met before,
(56:18):
because she wasn't meeting herown needs.
So I think that is the biggestpiece of this is not to go into
it going, oh okay, so if I printall these printables and I
follow all these things, then mykids are just going to be
perfect.
They're not going to haveemotions.
That's not the point.
The point is just ensuring thatour kids are getting their
(56:41):
developmental needs met, and alot of us adults didn't get
those developmental needs met,so we didn't have that modeled.
We don't even know what thatmeans.
So that's why it's reallyimportant to do this work and
then over time, I feel like justour mindset, our paradigms,
they'll change to a place whereyou can no matter what's
(57:01):
happening, emotions or whatever.
I can feel this just we're inthis together.
That is how family culture andhaving a strong family culture
and being intentional and havinga strong purpose, that is what
that does.
Speaker 2 (57:24):
You just have that to lean on.
That's amazing, I think whatI'm we're going to wrap up here,
but what I'm drawing from ourconversation is one like a
recommitment to being moreintentional with my kids.
Like a recommitment to beingmore intentional with my kids.
I feel like I parent in aloosely adjacent way, but I feel
like it's just kind of like notbeen as like focused as I want
it to be.
So I'm recommitting, so thankyou, and also I just feel an
(57:47):
incredible amount of hopebecause there are so many
parents out there that arereally, really struggling.
And I look back before I likeunderstood these ideas and
principles and I had really badpostpartum depression and I had
a three-year-old who was likekicking me in my pregnant
stomach and like all of theselike big, big things, and I
didn't have these tools.
And I am so like, on the onehand, like deeply sad that
(58:12):
you're going to be leaving theKindle podcast, but also so, so
excited for you and for all ofthe impact that you're going to
have in the world, the parentsand the families you're going to
reach, and I'm just so full ofhope and excitement for you.
So tell our listeners how theycan stay connected with you, how
they can follow your work andget involved with Raising Kids
(58:33):
with Purpose.
Speaker 1 (58:34):
I encourage anyone if they're having a struggle or a
challenge.
I get people that email me allthe time and I am a real human
here and I really, really careabout you.
And you can email me at AdrianeA-D-R-I-A-N-E.
At Raising Kids with Purposethe blog and the website I'm
doing an overhaul, so by thetime this gets published, it
(58:56):
should be a brand new websiteand has all my programs and all
the different ways that I canhelp you.
It's RaisingKidsWithPurposecom.
Instagram same handle, soeverything is Raising Kids With
Purpose.
Speaker 2 (59:10):
Love that.
Thank you for coming on theKindle podcast and for all of
the things you've done forcoming on the Kindle podcast and
for all of the things you havedone on the.
Speaker 1 (59:19):
Kindle podcast.
Sorry if that did not soundgood in your ears.
I just saw this has been okay.
I can't just say that's it.
Katie, I want to thank you somuch for just allowing me to
come on this ride with you.
I was terrified that firstepisode that we did, especially
(59:39):
our first interview.
I was shaking, I had to changemy clothes afterwards because I
was sweating so bad and I feellike you have just pushed me to
be in my learning frontier andso what you're doing at Prenda
and what you're creating atPrenda, you live out and you are
all about empowering people.
So I just want to publiclythank you for empowering me and
(01:00:03):
just, we really grew together inthis podcast and I'm just not
ready to say bye but it's time.
Speaker 2 (01:00:12):
It has been quite the ride and quite the journey and
I just want to publicly thankadrian for everything she's done
.
You guys, the kindled podcastwould not exist without this
lady behind the scenes.
She does so much, um.
And also I just want to thankour editing crew, amy lashana,
um, everyone who participates inthis, this work that we do.
(01:00:33):
It's an important work.
It's not over, but we'reentering a new era of it, and
(01:00:58):
just want to recognize all ofthe hard work and passion that's
been put into this, somethingthat you can use to fuel your
love for kids and for yourpassion to protect them and to
advocate for them, because theyreally they don't have a voice
in this world and they need moreof us to stand up and be that
voice for them.
And when we understand theirbrains and their needs and all
the things we talked about hereon the Kindle podcast, that's
when we can be really strongadvocates and that's why we do
what we do.
So thank you to our listenersand thank you, adrian.
(01:01:20):
And now, because I've nevermade a guest read the outro, I'm
going to read the full outro bymyself, ready.
The Kindle podcast is brought toyou by prenda.
Prenda makes it easy for you tostart and run an amazing micro
school based on all the ideas wetalked about here on the kindle
(01:01:40):
podcast.
If you want more informationabout being a coming up prenda
guide, go to prendacom.
If this episode was helpful foryou, please like, subscribe and
follow us on social media atprenda learn.
If you have questions you'dlike to us address, leave a
comment or email us at podcastat Prendacom.
Sorry, that last part was likenot great because that's the
part that Adrian usually doesand so it's my first time.
(01:02:01):
So forgive me and Adrian, Ilove you.
You did great.
Speaker 1 (01:02:07):
I love you.
See, when you said I love you,I was like I love you, Katie,
thank you, thank you, thank you.
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