S3E1_Searching For a Real Love

 In today’s religious and popular culture, marriage has become an idol and the ultimate symbol of happiness and completion. This week we discuss marriage, as a tool for seeing God’s glory and experiencing real love.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:10):
Hey, what's up Ken folk, how y'all doing listen, uh
, I'm PT, Gullo, and I'm RaySanders.
All right.
So the question for today, thequestion for today was this.
I wish I knew about thedifferent types of love, the
Bible references, especially thethree types and songs of songs,

(00:32):
romantic commitment, and sexualwish.
I had a better understanding ofGod's love before getting
married, though his wisdom andtiming didn't provide that.
And I know I can trust his plan.
Wish I knew how to rejectteachings that idolized
marriage, rather than ponderthem as possibly credible.
So this is a multipart question,uh, that our friend Sonia asked.

(00:55):
And so we're not gonna get tothe whole question today, but I,
what I wanted to deal with todaywas specifically her thought of
idolizing marriage.
And, you know, this is aconversation.
And so for those of you who arethere, um, man, we just, we want
to just foster a conversationbetween us and you and whoever

(01:21):
else is gonna be joining usabout marriage.
And whether you think in theculture is idolized.
And so I'm a, I'm gonna let Raytalk a few Ray, what's up first
off.
I obviously I'm not married.
Yeah.
And I would, I'm pursuing thatthat path, but how do you not
idolize the world?

(01:43):
What do you think that it'sidolized?
Yeah, I think, I think that the,the, what I want to tackle is
the fairy tale that Disney hassold us, that there's a happily
ever after.
And that marriage is built uponlove and love will make
everything better.
And although that's true, Ithink that we romanticize it a
little too much.
So that's why I think theidolization comes because, uh, I

(02:04):
don't want to sound too extreme,but it, it, to me, from what
I've seen and heard, it seemslike the altar is more of a
picture, uh, picture time andnot necessary.
I think a lot of people don'tthink past the altar and the
cameo and the pitcher and thecelebration.
Yo, I used to have a saying, wenobody thinks about, well, I

(02:28):
want say it's very, very sex.
I don't have the side of, isthis safe, safe space?
I don't know if it's safe ornot.
, they're safe for me,man.
I gotta go home.
But no, uh, I used to have thissaying, everybody thinks about
the wedding.
Nobody thinks about, I used tosay, nobody thinks about being a
wife, but conversely, everybodythinks about the wedding, right?

(02:48):
Nobody thinks about being ahusband, you know, and what that
entails and what that's going totake.
And that's where I met with it.
What, like, what does it, after,after the honeymoon is where the
marriage I feel really takesplace.
So how do we go from what we'veseen?
Like the, the bat Tourettes, the, the, uh, the fairytale

(03:11):
weddings.
How do we go from that to reallyunderstanding that you gotta dig
in?
Yeah.
And how does, how does God lookat a marriage and how do we look
at it?
Like God.
So we see it the right way.
Well, yeah, man, it's, it'sfunny that you say that cuz the
rest of her question kind ofalluded to some of the things
you're talking about cuz um, she, she, she went on to say

(03:33):
specifically ones thatsubversively promote marriage as
excluding, replacing otherfriendships and make marriage
seem like a necessary tool ofsalvation rather than one of the
many things God uses to bless usand grow us.
So I guess, I guess today, whatdo we, what do we really need

(03:54):
marriage for?
Yeah.
No.
Okay.
First of all, I love beingmarried.
Um, but I think, I think we, wego into marriage sometimes
looking for marriage to serve usrather than for us to serve God
through the marriage.
Um, there's uh, a passage ofscripture I'd like to look at

(04:17):
it's Ephesians chapter five.
I wish I could pull it up fory'all but I'm gonna just pull it
up on my own.
Ephesians chapter five, verse25, he'll say husbands, love
your wives.
Justice Christ love the churchand gave himself up for, to make
a holy cleansing her by thewashing with water, through the
word and to present her tohimself as a radiant church,

(04:39):
without staying or rink or anyother blemish, but holy and
blameless in this same way,husbands out to love their wives
as their own bodies.
He loves his wife, loves himselfafter all, no one ever hated
their own body, but they feedand care for their body.
Just as Christ does the churchfor, we are members of his body.
For this reason, a man willleave his father and mother and

(05:01):
be United to his wife and thetwo will become one flesh.
So then, you know, he's taughtmy man, but then he goes on in
verse 32 to say, this is aprofound mystery, but I'm
talking about Christ and thechurch and you, you know, he, he
basically takes marriage and hesays that basically it's a

(05:31):
earthly copy of a heavenlyreality.
It's supposed to help us see theultimate marriage Christ and his
church.
And so, you know, when we talkabout the gospel message, when
you go to a wedding and, andpeople are at a wedding and
you're just like, yo it, you,you see the bride and groom get

(05:52):
together.
It's supposed to remind each andeach and every one of us of this
eternal unending, undying lovethat we have, uh, with Jesus
Christ that's possible.
Uh, because cuz we are his brideof course.
And he's uh, he's out, he'soutgrow.

(06:14):
And so rather than it pointingto, you know, so, so I think
what happens sometimes is likewe don't see that the weddings
here, point to the ultimatewedding that we have in Christ
Jesus and the gospel.
So in today's in today's worldis really just our opportunity
to see what the relationshipwill be like when Christ comes

(06:40):
back kind of.
Yeah, well, yes.
But then also now, like we havethe opportunity to experience,
to feel and to experienceunending UN committed love right
now.
Like I don't need to settle foranything less than God's best,

(07:03):
which is Jesus in the church.
So that, so that every time I'mat a wedding, it should remind
me, Ooh, I got the same loveavailable to me right now,
whether I'm married or whetherI'm single.
That's a lot.
That is a lot, man.
We, uh, uh, it's something, youknow, I, I think over, over time

(07:25):
you kind of, you know, I, I, Ithink sometimes like the culture
says, Hey, everybody needs toget married.
And you know, when you look atthe statistics, that's not gonna
bear itself out.
You know, if you know, 80% ofpeople, you know, if we talk
about African Americans, 80% of,uh, women are in are single, you

(07:48):
know, not married then you knowthose numbers, aren't going to
bear themselves out.
And so is it that God wants usto have less than his best or is
it that God uses the, thetemporary, uh, institution of
marriage to point us to where wecan get love real love right now

(08:09):
with the way love and marriageis going.
What do you think, what do youthink is pointing to like with
the divorce rates, the marriagerates, the what in the macro
sense, is there a problem withthe way that we are looking at
marriage?
Or is it a misunderstanding ofmarriage or, well, well, I think

(08:30):
a lot of times we put the, theeternal weight of Godhead on
marriage.
Like all my problems, all myissues, all my needs, all my,
whatever, like on that personand that person can't bear the
weight of God, like at, at, andvice versa.
And so ultimately sometimes Ithink some of our, um, broken or

(08:55):
sometimes the, that, thatbreaking or tearing of that
union is it sometimes I will, alot of times I think it's it's I
idolize the person I married.
I thought they were God.
I mean, no one will say that,but they weren't and they always
let you down.
Okay.
So, I mean, look at the moviesand stuff that we watch.

(09:18):
I, I can go all like, everythingis like, yo, like I watch one.
I, this person, yeah.
My life becomes complete becauseI can depend on this person, yo
look, EV like, okay, I don'thold it radar.
Nobody's afraid, but no, we gotto I, no, no, I don't.
I mean, I watch these moviesright.
And great movies.

(09:39):
And, and I also watch, uh,Marvel movies that ain't real
too.
So nobody don't nobody.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
So, but like it's, they meet theperson head over heels and then
instantly life is 50 timesbetter and they live heavily
ever after.
That's what we sell every timeyou see one of these.

(10:03):
So then, so then what do youthink happens with the
individuals, uh, that arelooking for love and looking for
something real and meaningful?
Oh, it gets deeper than thatbecause you see the, you see the
movies, right.
You see the happily ever athlete.
Right.
Then you look at your parents.
Mm.
So now where do you exactly lookfor the actual reality of what

(10:27):
love and relationship andmarriage.
So then you start to idolize,you know what it seems like,
because if they're putting it onTV, that means, well, I guess
subconsciously I could say frommy point of view, it means that
this is what society is reallythinking since they're putting
it on movies, putting it onscreen.
Yeah.
This must be what majority ofsociety is thinking.
And if somebody that doesn'treally think clear critically to

(10:47):
me, if they don't look at it,like this is just a movie, then
they're looking at society.
Like this is what it should be.
And then that's theirexpectations for yeah.
I, I, so I'm with you there, butokay.
So I'm gonna push a little bit.
Okay.
What if that's what we weredesign for and like, instead of

(11:09):
suppressing the, the, the wantand desire to be fully loved and
fully known, um, what if we arejust looking for love in the
wrong places, but where, butwhere are the right places?
Well, and see, that's what I'vesaid.

(11:29):
I think we were designed for alove that no.
Wow.
No other human can give you thatmud came full circle, right?
No other human.
Well, if his name is G and, andthat's really what we said, love
it.
Oh, okay.
Right.
Okay.
So deep down in our soul, youknow, I used to say this all the

(11:50):
time.
Um, I took it from GKChesterton, he's from the 18th
century.
And so I had to bring it in intotoday.
A man, uh, a man goes into astrip club looking for God like
that, that deep down in everyone of you'll catch that other

(12:10):
way.
right.
That, that deep down in everyone of our souls, right.
There's this, there's thishunger, uh, for God.
Okay.
And we just feel it with junkfood.
Yeah.
And you know how we eat, eatsome junk food, eat a little bit
here, eat a little bit, there,you get hungry with in an hour,

(12:32):
two hours and you want to eatagain.
Right.
That's how I ate my last painton ice cream.
Right.
That's exactly how I did it.
Right.
You know, I mean, but, but thefull meal is Christ is Jesus,
right?
Yeah.
And I think everything in ourworld pulls us away from that.
Yeah.
Uh, and there're tantalizingthings that we see with our eyes

(12:53):
each and every day that take ourfocus and that sometimes even
lie to us and say, that's notglorious.
Jesus.
I am.
Oh, that brings me to anotherquestion.
So I saw, oh, okay.
Like serious come.
So this, so this, uh, I, I thinkI might have sent you the video,
this, uh, Muslim devout, Muslim,Muslim, like not the, um, nation

(13:19):
.
Yeah.
Not nation, no Muslim Muslim.
He was saying that, um, one,some of the differences between,
uh, was, is Islam andChristianity is that with the
women covering up and the men,you know, how, how they dress is
to keep the distractions down.
Mm-hmm.
So we look at them crazy for thewomen having to dress up mm-hmm

(13:40):
, but in theireyes, they're looking at, if, if
I marry this woman and she'sdressed up and the only time
that I get to see her undressesme being married in her, in our
room together, then I won't getdistracted by the social media,
the women outside that are, Idon't want that dress.
However they want to dress.
Mm-hmm so what youjust said, just resonate with me

(14:00):
is everything in this world isdistracting.
So how do you feel about the waythat Muslim, the Muslim society?
Do you think that there's aconnection between the two?
Yeah, so I, I think, okay.
All of us are, I think at somelevel we all know that we are

(14:21):
susceptible to distractions thatthere's something better out
there, but there's something inus that is keeping us from being
able to get that something outthere.
Yeah.
So I think there's two, that'stwo problems.
We've note.
Uh, and so classically, we wouldsay the first problem internally

(14:42):
is, is us or whatever, you know,sin, whatever the word people
want to use sin.
Right.
And then, uh, then externallythe problem is I can't find what
I'm looking for.
If I'm looking for a one of one.
Right.
But everything in me says it, itsays there is no one of one out

(15:04):
there.
Just do whatever it is thatyou're doing.
You got two problems.
One I need to be, I needsomebody to help me internally.
And then I need somebody to showme the one of one externally.
So see, to me, I think the issuewith the Muslims and all of us
is we try to solve our problemswith, with solutions that can't

(15:28):
keep us.
Right.
So I, I, I'm sitting here, I'm,I'm watching this, you know, and
I'm like, oh, okay, well, if Ido X, Y, and Z, then I won't be
distracted.
But then, but then the problemis, and I think this is where
Christianity comes in.
Okay.
This is, we need divineintervention.
I need somebody to come in,remake me, right.

(15:51):
Or regenerate me or renew me ormake me a new man.
I new woman, whatever, like, cuzmy heart is desperately wicked.
And no matter what I try to do,I try to do to change it.
Nothing happens.
Right.
Or, you know, and you, youyou've heard in some of those

(16:12):
cultures, there's a lot ofabuse.
Mm-hmm it it'sundercover, but it ain't.
Right.
So all you'd really do is youpush the abuse underground
versus Hey Lord, I need help.
I I'm a sinner.
Change me, remake me.
And, and so John talks about thenew birth experience that

(16:33):
happens from the inside outrather than from the outside in.
So then now I can see thatthere's something that is one of
one out there that no otherhuman being is.
And notice I don't, I countJesus as a human, no other human
being can meet except JesusChrist.

(16:55):
The, the God man.
And so I think you gotta havethat two point process.
We were going back full circlewith, uh, needing divine
intervention to get, get, holdagainst cuz instead of looking
for the worldly things that willhelp fill that void, like the

(17:20):
LUS, the affection, the, thelooks that we're looking for in
our partner, stuff like that.
So we need Christ to, to renewus, make us new so that we can
see that he's the most glorious.
So he is the most glorious thingthat, that, that we, we can
have.
I mean, uh, uh, listen, um, if Iput, uh, a Ford TAUs in the, in

(17:48):
a Bentley Azu in front of younow you automatically know which
car to pick, but if you wereseven years old, you might not
know cuz you would just look attwo cars.
You, you might pick the tourist,right.
Might pick the it's a chancethat you might pick the tours

(18:09):
because at seven you don't havethe, you don't have the
knowledge probably never drivenbefore you kind of just learning
about cars or whatnot.
And you might pick the tours,but when your eyes have been
open and you have anappreciation, that's when you

(18:31):
see a Bentley and a touriststogether, you are 10 outta 10
going pick the tours.
Yeah.
See when God, and this is divineintervention.
This is actually when peoplecome to faith, he takes them
from seven olds to adults.
He opens their eyes so that theycan see that, that Bentley of a

(18:52):
life that he has.
And if you look at that Bentley,let's say that Bentley is Jesus.
Okay.
I hate to objectify Jesus, butit is the only way I could, I,
this is how I, this is how Ithink if, if you see that, that,
that Bitly and uh, uh, you canappreciate it.
But before he does his work inour heart, you're blind to it.

(19:14):
John nine talks about the manwho was born blind.
Like we were all born blind andit takes Jesus to open our eyes.
So that now when we look it'sirresistible, when you see, see
him for who he is, you're goingto choose him 10 outta 10 times.
Right?
And so I think this is theprocess.

(19:37):
You know, this is gone from Maryto this, but I think that's,
that's literally, I think whathappens.
We idolize the TAUs marriage,right?
Because we think it's theultimate.
But until somebody helps us tosee in somebody being, Jesus
helps us to see that knowthere's a Bentley standing right
next to it.
We will not, we will always putthe way the God head on the

(20:01):
marriage situation and run thatlittle towards ragged and run
that and run that towards raggedand then do then go and then
complain that, and then go by anew car, right?
Another TAs and run it raggedanother TA versus me seeing,
okay, wait, this, this, thiscan't sustain me.

(20:24):
Me.
This can so that if God blessesme to have this other situation,
this my situation, I, I, I cantell I, I can, instead of the
tool, that's what I was saying.
Instead of the tool using me, Ican use a tool for the Gloria

(20:45):
guide.
Okay.
So this opens up many dimensionsof questions for me because when
you use, so if we were to, Ican't honestly say that I'm
pursuing marriage and this is mysafe space.
So y'all just have to deal withit.
I can't honestly say that I'm ahundred percent pursuing

(21:05):
marriage for Christ.
Right?
So with, with what you've beensaying, it's making me think
about, so how do you actually chcause when you're looking at
cars, you look, whatever fit,whatever the card looks like is
what attracts me to it.
Are we doing it wrong?

(21:25):
The way that we're looking for arelationship?
Are we, are we looking too muchinto our natural feelings and
inclinations to, to pick up apartner?
I, I just think that we, we aremaking, when you make something
ultimate, like do or die.

(21:47):
Yeah.
You put everything on it versusyo I'm F I have a found, well,
hopefully I'm have a growingfoundation in Christ.
So that then I'm trying tofigure out how can you know who
okay.
So then when we pick it issometimes we're asking the wrong

(22:09):
questions.
Okay.
The question probably we shouldask is yo, is this person
somebody I can glorify God with?
Versus is this person somebodywho is here solely to meet my
needs, two different things.

(22:30):
See Jesus is here to meet yourneeds.
Right?
Our, our marriage is to helppraise Jesus.
Yeah.
And I just think it'sperspective.
Yeah.
But, but, but you can't get thatperspective if your needs ain't
being met.
Oh, you dropping some heavystuff today.

(22:51):
That's crazy.
This is the only episode one.
You gotta relax.
I, I, I really, really, we wasjust supposed to do just 30.
We were supposed to just do 30minutes of me thought through 30
minutes to be done.
But, but no, I mean, if you, ifyou, if you think about it,
like, and, and so that's what I,I think God is, you know, I, uh,
Piper has, it said, God is mostglorified.

(23:11):
Yeah.
Um, when we are most satisfiedin him, like, yo, yo, you are
your, your, your needs arethings that the, you know, of
course, some of, some of'em, youknow, oh, I need a Bentley.
Well, I mean, you know, you wanta Bentley, you want, do you

(23:34):
need, do you need a Bentley, butyour basic need, your basic God
shape.
Vacuum is, is something thatJesus meets.
So that then instead, again,instead of the tools using you,
you can use the tools for theglory of God.
So should we even be sorry,y'all, I'm kind of like black

(23:56):
and white with it Uhhuh.
So should we even be looking forrelationships until we can,
until we have some kind of sensethat God is satisfying our
needs.
I, I think there's wisdom,right.
B but I, I, I don't thinkthere's a one size fits all.
Cuz some people get married andthey figured out why they get
married.
Right.
Some people wait and you know,they, you know, go to school,

(24:24):
buy a house, do you know?
And then they get married.
But I do think there's somewisdom.
Cause in asking the question,what is it that I am looking for
in this person?
Am, am I looking for, you know,am I really just looking for

(24:45):
God?
And this person is, is, is, issomebody that I'm thinking can
give me God.
Or, and if that's the case, thenyou know, I think you are at a
place where man, and I've beenthere, you know, where I'm like,
okay, wait, I feel unbalanced.
I feel like I'm leaning tooheavily on food or leaning too

(25:11):
heavily on whatever, you know,and why is that?
Uh, because I maybe deep downinside, I don't feel the
satisfaction of knowing that Iam, uh, accepted in the beloved
that I am grounded in who he is.

(25:32):
And so, you know, life getsoutta balance.
And so man, I just, I just thinkyou gotta ask those questions.
Those are questions you askwhile you ask, is this the
person?
Could you list the questionsagain?
is there, is there a fewquestions that okay, so yeah.
Well I would say one, what is itthat I'm looking for in a
person?
Yeah.
Right.

(25:52):
Uh, or what is it that I'mlooking for?
The person.
Yeah.
What is it that I'm looking forin a person can sometimes help
you determine what is it thatyou're looking for?
Period.
Mm-hmm, you know,if it's, you know, and sometimes
we have these unrealisticstandards or expectations that
we're looking for, people mm-hmm and what you

(26:13):
realize is that thing that youneed is something that no, no
other human other than Jesus canmeet.
Mm-hmm.
And so once you get, once youget there, I think the next
question then is, um, justescape me.

(26:34):
The, the next question is, uh,if this is the person, uh, I
think you gotta, so I guess if Ibroke this down as a man, what
is your vision?
What is God's vision for yourlife?
Uh, how does he best want you to, um, how does he best want you

(27:02):
to use his resources for hisglory?
And when you're able to answerthat question, then you could
say, well, is this personsomebody that can come alongside
me as a helpmate to fulfill thisvision, you know, versus, okay,

(27:25):
I'm just, you know, I'm goingthrough going with the flow.
Like, and, and I also wanna saythis God's grace is sufficient.
He can do anything with, withanybody.
So, so we need the cheat code isnever what you can do.
The cheat code is yo Jesus makesmiracles happen all the time and

(27:48):
he can take messed up situationsand make beautiful things out of
it.
I, the, the questions are moreso like guidelines.
Yo, if you are in the situationand you're thinking about it,
these are some things to ask.
I mean, they, uh, if anything, Ilearned Uhhuh quite a bit in
just the little time that we, wehave.

(28:08):
I hope, I hope that everybodyelse got a piece of picked up
one of the jewels that youdropped.
Okay.
Because you dropped quite a fewand it, I have some pondering to
do when I get home To make sure.