August 21, 2025 • 33 mins
Ever wondered how someone goes from addiction to ministry leadership? In this deeply personal episode, I share my raw, unfiltered testimony for the first time publicly. After introducing listeners to my family background in previous episodes featuring my mom, I now pull back the curtain on my own journey—from being raised in a multi-generational pastor's family to my struggles with identity, addiction, and finding my own faith.
My story doesn't follow a neat, predictable path. I share candidly about battling same-sex attraction from childhood, experiencing sexual assault in college, an unplanned pregnancy, and years of marijuana addiction. Through tears, I reveal how God spoke to me during my pregnancy, promising that my daughter would be "the ram in my bush"—the very thing that would save me from self-destruction.
The turning point came when my body began rejecting marijuana after years of heavy use. In that moment of forced sobriety, I heard the Holy Spirit whisper, "It's something that you did, it's not who you are." This profound revelation exposed one of the enemy's most effective tactics—connecting sin to identity. The journey from there wasn't easy, but through Christian community and small groups, I found healing, accountability, and a path toward serving in ministry.
This testimony speaks to anyone caught between kingdom values and cultural pressures. If you're struggling to break free from addiction, identity confusion, or past trauma, know that God hasn't given up on you. Your darkest moments can become the backdrop for His most powerful redemption story. What He has for you isn't necessarily easier, but I promise it's better than anything culture offers.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:18):
What's up everybody.
Welcome to Kingdom Over Culturepodcast.
My name is Ashley Potter and Iam your host, so I'm so excited
to have this podcast on today.
The topic is going to bedifferent than what we've done
in the past.
I'm so happy that I was able todo the first two episodes with
my mom, because you were able toreally see where I came from.
My mom is really amazing, butshe just really gives a good
(00:42):
glimpse of just how I was raisedand the background that I came
from.
In today's episode I'm going tobe sharing my testimony and I'm
not going to lie y'all.
I'm really nervous about thisbecause I've never really bore
myself to this extent, but Ibelieve that is for God's glory.
We overcome by the blood of thelamb and the word of our
testimony, so I believe thatsomebody is going to overcome
after this.
(01:02):
So just about myself right now.
I am a mom, I'm a wife, I'm aworship pastor.
I've been married for somewherearound seven to eight years I
can't remember right now, but myhusband surely knows I have
three beautiful daughters an 11year old, a nine year old and a
three.
No, she just turned four.
(01:23):
I keep saying three.
I don't know what that's about.
But she's four and my littlebaby and so, yeah, that's kind
of where I am in life right now.
The Lord has just been doing alot of things in my life.
I've been a business owner forthe last 15 years.
I've been doing makeup forweddings and proms and all the
things.
I actually retire next month.
(01:44):
The Lord is calling me to ashift in my life right now and
we'll talk about that a littlelater.
But yeah, so that's where I amright now and let's just get
started in this testimony.
So I grew up with two amazing,god-fearing parents.
On my mom's side, mygrandparents are pastors, my
(02:07):
great-grandparents are pastorsand church planners in the
Bahamas, and so I come from avery deep-rooted Christian faith
.
I believe my mom told me myfirst word was hallelujah,
because she brought me up in theholiness church as a baby.
(02:28):
She had me in the church everysingle day, and so the first
words I said was hallelujah,because she had me in the church
that heavy.
I can remember just those daysand you know she wore no pants,
she had on the skirt, no makeup,you know, and my daddy just
looking, looking good, and I waslike this ain't right.
But I was raised up in thechurch.
(02:50):
My mom actually got seriousabout God when she was pregnant
with me and I believe that thatwas such a pivotal thing that
the Lord was doing.
My dad got saved After a while.
After my mom had me I believesomewhere around that my parents
um got married when I was sixmonths old and they really
(03:10):
raised me in the admonition ofthe Lord.
Um, my dad, I love my dad.
I'm such a daddy's girl.
I grew up seeing my dad studyscripture every day at the
dining room table.
I have horror stories of my dadwaking me up at 6 am in high
school to do Bible study.
That's just the kind ofenvironment that I grew up in as
(03:32):
a kid and as a young teen.
But when I found Christ formyself even though my parents,
you know they raised me in thechurch and all these different
things my finding the Lord wasactually not with them.
I can remember I was in thefirst grade and I had a teacher
named Ms Peoples.
(03:52):
Shout out to Ms Peoples.
I'm pretty sure she's not aliveanymore because she was very
old when I was in the firstgrade, but I know her spirit is
with the Lord and Ms Peoples.
I went to a Christianelementary school, private
school, and Ms Peoples wasshowing us this video.
It was around Easter and it wasa video about Jesus and he was
(04:15):
on the cross and it was acartoon, so it wasn't like gory
or nothing like that, but it wasthe Easter story, it was the
resurrection story.
And I remember, sitting at mydesk I just felt so overwhelmed
and I just began to weep.
And my teacher, she saw me andshe called me out in the hallway
.
She said, ashley, are you okay?
What's going on?
And I told her I think I wantJesus in my heart and she led me
(04:39):
in the salvation prayer thatday and from that day I know we
all, like a lot of us churchkids, have that finding Jesus,
like getting saved, in yourchildhood.
But I would say for me thiswasn't like a.
My parents made me do a typething.
I really felt the power of theHoly spirit that day and I can
(05:00):
remember that feeling even rightnow, even through my childhood.
Um, I had this struggle withlike I knew who the Lord was.
But it was a lot of things thathappened to me, happened with
me as a kid.
Um, I battled withhomosexuality and, um, same sex
(05:20):
attractions.
For as long as I can rememberit wasn't.
I won't say I felt like it wassomething I was born with, but
it was something that was putonto me.
Um, my first sexual experienceswere all with girls that were
my age.
I used to joke as a teen andsay I was a chick magnet because
(05:42):
for some reason, everywherethat I went, girls would just
kind of throw themselves at meand I couldn't figure out.
I didn't know the term lesbianor the term gay at the time.
But as I got older I learnedwhat those things were about.
I learned, you know, how theLord felt about them as well,
(06:06):
and so that was a major strugglefor me as a kid.
I didn't tell my parents whatwas going on.
You know my parents my mom'snot from this country and my
dad's a country boy they findthemselves in Savannah, georgia,
meeting at Savannah StateUniversity, shout out to HBCUs
across the nation, and so theyjust settled here.
(06:27):
I didn't have any family oranything like that.
So the connections that I didhave, I was so afraid to sever
them because it was the onlyfamily I had, and I really just
couldn't recognize how thoserelationships, honestly, were
supposed to go, because that'sall I knew.
(06:49):
Fast forward to high school, Ireally struggled with that
identity portion and ifanybody's watching this and
knows me from Savannah, georgia,windsor Forest High School, I
had a girlfriend my 12th gradeyear and I found freedom in that
(07:09):
relationship.
But I also found bondage inthat relationship and I knew the
Lord and I knew what thescripture said about
homosexuality and those thingsand honestly, I just knew it
wasn't for me.
And so I had a great idea.
I really wanted to like go tocollege here in Savannah.
My mom was like you know, youshould venture out, get out.
(07:33):
You know, go far away, findyourself.
You know, discover yourselfcollege.
I thought that that would openthe door for me to escape this
lifestyle that I've stepped intoand to draw closer to God,
(07:53):
because that's really what Iwanted.
And little did I know I wasstepping into the fire.
I went to college.
My roommate was a 6'2 community.
That's who I hung out with,that's what I was surrounded by,
(08:33):
and that was my life.
When I got on campus, the verything that I thought I was
running away from I ran straightinto.
Even though it was a Christiancollege, I was, you know, still,
we had church services that wehad to go through, go to every
Tuesday, things like that and Iwould skip out, go, slap my
cards, look like I was there andleave.
(08:54):
It was really not only aculture shock, but it was a.
It was a major struggle for me.
It was a major struggle for me,honestly.
It was a major struggle for me.
It was a major struggle for meHonestly.
I did wrestle with the thoughtlike I came here to get closer
to God and like God put me righthere in the middle of this.
Maybe this is what I'm supposedto be, you know doing, maybe
(09:15):
this is the life that I'msupposed to live.
And, honestly, it was anotherlesbian that went to the school
and she told me one day she waslike Ashley, this is not for you
.
She was like you're, this isn'tfor you.
And hearing her say thathonestly, like it kind of broke
(09:44):
my heart a little bit, cause Ikind of had a crush on her.
But also it just just for thefirst time since I had been on
that campus, it reminded me of,like, really, really, why I came
here and I took some time tokind of step back from that
community.
I started spending time withother friends and things like
that on the campus and wentthrough some things, got into
(10:09):
some other things not anythingtoo crazy but got a boyfriend
and just started going to church.
I actually started the firstgospel choir on that campus.
It was a predominantly whitecollege and I was finding myself
even more in the Lord.
And after me and my boyfriendbroke up, it was kind of it was
(10:31):
a little bit of a separator.
He was real serious about ourrelationship and I was just like
, eh wait, sir, I'm young.
So I severed that relationshipand after that kind of got mixed
up in the wrong crowds, becausehe really kind of helped me
stay solid, to be honest, and Igot mixed up in the wrong crowd
(10:54):
kind of, and started smokingweed and doing all these
different things that I reallywasn't doing like that.
And one night, me and myhomegirl we were really good
friends with the campus drugdealer and he invited us over to
smoke and I don't know if itwas laced with something or
(11:16):
something, but needless to say,I got so high that I was
paralyzed.
I literally could not move.
My hands, my body, I wasconsciously awake, my eyes could
move, but I couldn't move, Icouldn't talk, I couldn't do
anything.
And my friend she's high anddrunk and the guy he was like,
(11:39):
well, you know what, she couldjust sleep on my couch and you
can go home, you just come backand get her tomorrow.
And so she left and when sheleft me there, he raped me and
I've never shared this story soopenly.
(12:00):
I just, honestly, was able togo into detail with my husband
about it a few months ago.
But I think it's importantbecause there's more stories
like this and it's moreimportant because of what
happened afterwards After thatincident.
(12:24):
I didn't recognize it, but Ibegan to spiral.
I just began to do whatever Iwanted to do.
I had to leave school because Iwasn't going to class, wasn't
doing what I was supposed to bedoing, and everybody could see
the things that I was doingwrong, but nobody could see the
(12:45):
pain that I was dealing with.
I didn't tell anybody on thecampus.
I didn't tell any of my friends.
I didn't tell anybody becauseof the status of the guy and
it's whatever.
It's not whatever, but that'show I made it seem.
I just was like you know,whatever.
It's not whatever, but that'show I made it seem.
(13:06):
I just was like you know, it'swhatever, I'm going to just keep
going.
And that led me to just adownward spiral in my life when
it came to relationships withmen and just all that stuff, and
I ended up getting pregnant.
I found myself getting.
I found myself pregnant.
I was in the Bahamas with mybest friend at the time and my
sister and I remember I tookthat pregnancy test because I
(13:30):
was, like you know, trying todrink little piña coladas, you
know little Bahama mamas, andlike everything was disgusting
and I'm like this is not right.
And so my sister was like youmight be pregnant.
I'm like man, I am definitelynot pregnant.
I tell you that we took thatpregnancy test in the Bahamas
(13:52):
and it was.
We took three.
They was all positive.
I was like this is the Bahamastest.
I got to wait until I get tothe States because I can't
believe this right now.
And so I got to the States,took another pregnancy test in
like as soon as we got there andit was positive.
And I remember I told my friendand I told my sister.
I said y'all are going to bethe only ones that ever know
about this, because I wasdefinitely not about to go home
(14:16):
and tell my parents I waspregnant.
And so, me and my friend, wedrove down to Fort Lauderdale
and caught a boat to the Bahamas.
So we were driving back.
It's about a seven hour drivefrom Fort Lauderdale to Savannah
.
And we're driving back and Ihad a dream.
I was asleep in the passengerseat and I was in this white
(14:41):
room with no ground, no ceiling,no walls really.
It was just white everywhereand I was just kind of floating
and these voices just began totaunt me and they just kept
saying coward, coward, coward,like they were.
It was almost like the voiceswere hitting me from every
(15:06):
direction and I just remembersaying like I'm not a coward.
And then I heard the voice ofthe Lord.
He said if you do this, theonly thing that your child will
know about you is that you're acoward.
And I woke up tears flowingdown my face.
And I woke up tears flowingdown my face and I knew at that
(15:35):
moment I couldn't deny theresponsibilities of the actions
that I've made.
I went home and I immediatelytold my parents I was pregnant
and that was the hardest seasonof my life because of the
downward spiral that I had.
I didn't know who my daughter'sfather was.
And let me let me backtrackWait, wait, wait, because I knew
(15:55):
it was one of two people.
I just didn't know which one ofthose two people it was and
honestly I didn't want it to beeither one.
So sorry, um, but I'm like youknow these, not dudes that I'm
like I want to spend dealingwith for the rest of my life.
And so I had, like, this hardsituation that I was facing and
I felt so alone and honestly Iwas alone.
(16:17):
Church started treating medifferent Parents, family, I
mean, my dad was just soheartbroken.
He didn't talk to me, honestly,for most of the time I was
pregnant, but I have a goodfather.
He was really heartbroken, buthe also built an addition to his
(16:38):
home for me and my child.
So that was a really hard time.
So that was a really hard timeand I just remember the only
solitude.
The only friend that I had wasthe Lord.
(17:09):
I had a drawing to the word ofGod for the first time in my
life.
I didn't have anybody to talkto, anyone to relate to.
I couldn't talk to anybody, butI had my prayer time and I had
the scriptures and the Lordbegan to speak to me more in
(17:36):
that season than he ever had inmy life.
One day I was reading aboutAbraham and Isaac and the Lord
told me thank you, that mydaughter was going to be the ram
in my bush.
She was going to be the ram inthe bush of my life and I named
(17:58):
her Mariah after Mount Mariah,where Abraham took Isaac.
During that season, the Lordused me to lay hands on the sick
and I saw them recover for thefirst time in my life.
During that season, the Lordgave me prophetic words and I'm
(18:21):
so grateful for that time thathe spent with me and I'm so
grateful for that time that hespent with me.
Ooh guys, I didn't want to crytoday.
I'm so grateful for that timethat he spent with me because it
changed my life.
It changed my life and he was100% correct.
(18:43):
My daughter was the ram in mybush.
She was the awakening.
She made me come out of myslumber and try to do something
with my life, because I was justcoasting.
I was wrecked with pain andhurt and confusion, and she
(19:13):
brought me clarity and the Lordjust continued to just move in
my life after I had her.
But there were some things thatI was still battling and I
didn't have the community,honestly, that I needed to keep
me in that place and I met myhusband and I met my husband in
a club, y'all.
I met him in a club and me andhim started, you know, seeing
(19:42):
each other and dating Me and himstarted, you know, seeing each
other and dating.
And shortly after that we gotpregnant with our second
daughter.
And after that time of just, Imoved out of my parents' house,
moved away and started justdoing whatever I wanted to do
(20:05):
and I started smoking weed, realheavy after that time and
honestly, guys, I was Actuallythey used to call me pothead
potter, like I was very seriousand it was to the point where I
wasn't convicted about it.
I wasn't convicted at all aboutit at that time and I would
pray often at all about it atthat time and I would pray Often
(20:28):
.
I was going to church.
I wasn't serving in the churchnow, but I was going to church
every week because I still hadthat connection to the Lord and
I still had a desire for Him.
But now I found myself livingthis life that I didn't know
exactly how to escape.
So the place where I foundpeace and rest was just to
consistently at least go tochurch.
(20:51):
And, um, I found myself addictedto marijuana.
Um, every morning I woke upevery night before I went to
sleep throughout the day.
I mean, I literally startedsmoking on my lunch break at one
point.
It was really bad, um, and Iwould pray um, you know, lord,
(21:13):
if this is, if this not pleasingto you, like, show me.
You're going to have to show me.
I would make this joke thatJesus was going to have to come
down and take the blunt out ofmy hand himself.
And let me tell y'all, he, hepretty much did that.
Um, after smoking consistentlyfor a few years, my body created
(21:34):
a what's the word?
It just began to reject ithonestly.
And for two years the doctorscouldn't understand what was
going on with my body.
I would have these spells ofjust vomiting for weeks at a
time, and it was because of themarijuana.
(21:59):
One day I went to a doctor andhe asked me you know about
smoking?
And I ain't never been one tolie about no doctor, about
nothing.
Let me tell you y'all, betternot be lying to them doctors,
they not the cops.
I did not lie to my doctor.
I always, every time they belike do you smoke?
I say not cigarettes, they knowwhat that mean.
(22:22):
And so this one doctor inparticular, he was like hmm, ok,
like how often do you smoke?
And I was like, hmm, every day,yeah, he was like OK.
He said Google this word.
I typed it in, I ain't gonnahold y'all, I can't remember the
word.
I typed it in.
He said read those.
(22:44):
You know symptoms.
What does that sound like?
I said that sounds like me.
He said let's try this, humorme, stop smoking and let's see
if your body heals itself.
And I'm like OK, doc, so whatyou mean, like just on the
weekends, like what you mean?
(23:04):
He's like no, indefinitely stop.
And I was like okay, and Iremember leaving that doctor's
appointment and getting in mycar and crying, I had my hands
on the steering wheel, my headjust bowed and I just wept.
Had my hands on the steeringwheel, my head just bowed and I
just wept.
And I heard the voice of theHoly Spirit say it's something
(23:28):
that you did, it's not who youare.
And I realized that I hadconnected my relationship with
marijuana to my identity.
That was the first time that Ihad a realization of the tricks
and the schemes of the enemy toconnect sin to identity.
(23:52):
And I went home I told myhusband and he was like, yes,
I'm so glad because he's beentaking care of me this whole
time.
Like I'm glad and I'm just likehe's been taking care of me
this whole time, like I'm gladand I'm just like man, what?
What do you mean?
I was so heartbroken to losethis thing that I, honestly, I
loved it.
I loved it, but I had prayed,lord, you know, if this isn't
(24:19):
for me, if this is somethingthat doesn't please, you take it
away from me.
Cause I knew I couldn't take itaway from myself.
And I went through that journeyof getting sober and it was
extremely hard.
It was extremely hard coming tothe realization that I had an
addiction.
I swore up and down you cannotbe addicted to weed.
That is a lie.
It's a lie.
(24:41):
I found out so much aboutmarijuana after the fact.
I found out that marijuanastunts your emotional growth and
development and so after Istopped, I would have these
panic attacks.
(25:01):
I felt like I couldn't controlmy emotions, I would cry a lot
and all these different things.
And I sat down with a therapistfrom Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville
, florida, and she began to tellme about all the studies about
(25:22):
marijuana that are not blatantlyout there and showing me how
they're actually at work in me,and I started smoking at about
24, 23.
So my emotional growth as a 30something year old was a 23 year
(25:43):
old.
Something year old was a 23year old the time where my I was
supposed to be creating thosedefense mechanisms, mentally and
internally, the way that Godcreated my body, too.
I was replacing it withmarijuana, so I never had to
deal with my issues.
I never had to deal with hardthings.
I just had to smoke, and Idon't know who that's for.
(26:04):
It's not who you are Right.
It's just something that you do, and I promise you it's not
just about what people say, likewhat makes you less smart or
something like that removesbrain cells.
I can't remember what they usedto say when I was growing up in
there, but you know, listen,there did not work.
(26:28):
I'm so sorry.
Y'all, we're all doing drugs.
I stopped, thank God, but it'sway more than that, and I found
out that it causes you toactually have more anxiety, more
stress and more depression,causing you to want to use it
(26:49):
even the more so if you ever tryto stop smoking.
Even probably within the firstfew days, you'll find yourself
more angry or more frustrated,making you want to smoke,
because that is the effects ofmarijuana.
I'm sorry, y'all, I'm sorry tobust your bubble that, it just
is what it is.
And so I found myself in mythirties now trying to work on
(27:14):
those things that I, thosedefense mechanisms and those
tools that I should have createdin my twenties to be able to
handle hard things, because letme tell you what this life is
hard.
But the best thing that I foundthrough this entire process is
a deeper relationship with theLord.
After I stopped smoking, Iturned to the Lord completely,
(27:40):
completely.
My relationship with him wentto another place, and one of the
things that I started doing wasI started going to small groups
at my church.
I think it's so important toget in Christian community.
Guys, god did not just save usjust to be saved.
He saved us to put us incommunity.
(28:03):
I didn't grow up in a churchwhere we had small groups that
we had community.
We went to church and we camehome.
Those was our church friends.
We've seen them when we wasthere, but we didn't have
community.
We didn't have anyone to keepus accountable.
Small groups changed my life.
It was in small groups that Iwas able to take the mask off.
(28:26):
It was in small groups that Iwas able to say, hey, my name is
Ashley and I have a problem.
My name is Ashley and I'mdealing with this.
And not only was I able to say,hey, my name is Ashley and I
have a problem.
My name is Ashley and I'mdealing with this.
And not only was I able to findbiblical answers, I was able to
find community to say you knowwhat?
I'm dealing with this too.
You're not alone.
It was during that time that Irealized like the enemy tried to
make me feel like I'm the onlyone that's dealing with this,
(28:48):
I'm the only one that aredealing with these issues in my
past.
But there was so many morepeople, there was so much more
of a community than I realized.
And I'm so grateful for thechurch that God planted me in
Because, honestly, the personthat I was when I walked through
them doors when I was 22, 23years old, still smoking weed,
do whatever the heck I wanted todo, I'm now the worship pastor.
(29:10):
I didn't see that in my future.
I didn't see the plans that theLord had for me, but I'm
grateful that even in my sin, Iwas able to hear his direction.
He was able to still lead mewhen I wasn't willing to give
him a full yes.
So, whatever space that youfind yourself in right now, I
(29:31):
want to encourage you don't giveup on God, because he sure
didn't give up on you and hewill not Continue to show up.
Let that word change you, letthat word work out in you and
work out in your life.
Start getting in community,start showing up to the small
(30:01):
groups.
I know it could seem lame atfirst, but I'm telling you, once
you get into those spaces, yourealize aha, this is what God
created us to do.
This is how God meant for thechurch to operate in.
Whether that's in a house churchor you're in a big church, you
need to find Christian community.
It is so important.
It is so important.
I tell a lot of the youngladies and young men that come
to me in our church the firstthings they're like.
(30:21):
You know, I'm just startingthis Jesus thing and I'm trying
to figure out where to go, whatto do Small groups, small groups
, small groups.
You need to get in a smallgroup.
If this one don't work out foryou, try another one.
Don't stop, get.
Find community, find Christiancommunity.
It is very, very, veryimportant, not only just for
(30:44):
your spiritual growth, but alsofor your mental growth, for your
mental capacity.
You have somebody that you cancall and that will actually pray
with you.
It's important, guys.
And so, yeah, now, years later,I find myself leading in the
church, and that's somethingthat I honestly never wanted to
(31:08):
do, and I'll tell more of thatstory later.
I feel like today the Lord justwanted me to share my
transition from darkness tolight to darkness to light, and
how he really remained throughmy life and how he saved me, how
he rescued me, and I'm really,really grateful for that.
(31:31):
I'm really really grateful thathe saw fit to go generations in
my past to make sure that I wasokay.
I didn't even share about thethree times I tried to take my
life.
We don't have enough time thethree times I tried to take my
life.
We don't have enough time.
(31:54):
But it's a hard battle.
When the world is telling youthat it's okay to be who you are
, who you think you are, and theword's telling you something
that's different.
I would tell you don't go bywhat you hear.
Find out for yourself.
Find out what the word says foryourself.
(32:15):
Find out what the word of Godis saying for yourself.
Seek the Lord for yourself.
Yeah, I'm glad that you wereable to hear some of my story.
I couldn't tell the whole thingbecause we'd be here all day and
I'll probably trickle it evenmore over the next few weeks,
(32:35):
but I feel like those are thekey things that the Lord just
really wanted me to open upabout and to share with you.
I hope that you don't run awayand that you come back and join
me next week for the nextepisode.
I promise you I'll get intosome scripture and get into some
word, because that's what we'rehere for.
But I just want to encourageanyone who is struggling with.
(33:00):
I want to be fruitful in thekingdom of God, but this culture
has a hold on me.
It's not worth it.
It's not worth it.
It's not worth your peace, it'snot worth your joy.
It's not worth it.
It's not worth it.
It's not worth your peace, it'snot worth your joy, it's not
worth your health.
What God has for you is so muchbetter and I'm not saying that
it's easier, I'm not saying thatit's going to come without pain
(33:23):
or without hardship, but what Iam saying is it is better.
I love you.
I can't wait to see you guysnext week.
What's up everybody.
Welcome to Kingdom Over Culturepodcast.
My name is Ashley Potter and Iam your host, so I'm so excited
to have this podcast on today.
The topic is going to bedifferent than what we've done
in the past.
I'm so happy that I was able todo the first two episodes with
my mom, because you were able toreally see where I came from.
My mom is really amazing, butshe just really gives a good
(00:42):
glimpse of just how I was raisedand the background that I came
from.
In today's episode I'm going tobe sharing my testimony and I'm
not going to lie y'all.
I'm really nervous about thisbecause I've never really bore
myself to this extent, but Ibelieve that is for God's glory.
We overcome by the blood of thelamb and the word of our
testimony, so I believe thatsomebody is going to overcome
after this.
(01:02):
So just about myself right now.
I am a mom, I'm a wife, I'm aworship pastor.
I've been married for somewherearound seven to eight years I
can't remember right now, but myhusband surely knows I have
three beautiful daughters an 11year old, a nine year old and a
three.
No, she just turned four.
(01:23):
I keep saying three.
I don't know what that's about.
But she's four and my littlebaby and so, yeah, that's kind
of where I am in life right now.
The Lord has just been doing alot of things in my life.
I've been a business owner forthe last 15 years.
I've been doing makeup forweddings and proms and all the
things.
I actually retire next month.
(01:44):
The Lord is calling me to ashift in my life right now and
we'll talk about that a littlelater.
But yeah, so that's where I amright now and let's just get
started in this testimony.
So I grew up with two amazing,god-fearing parents.
On my mom's side, mygrandparents are pastors, my
(02:07):
great-grandparents are pastorsand church planners in the
Bahamas, and so I come from avery deep-rooted Christian faith
.
I believe my mom told me myfirst word was hallelujah,
because she brought me up in theholiness church as a baby.
(02:28):
She had me in the church everysingle day, and so the first
words I said was hallelujah,because she had me in the church
that heavy.
I can remember just those daysand you know she wore no pants,
she had on the skirt, no makeup,you know, and my daddy just
looking, looking good, and I waslike this ain't right.
But I was raised up in thechurch.
(02:50):
My mom actually got seriousabout God when she was pregnant
with me and I believe that thatwas such a pivotal thing that
the Lord was doing.
My dad got saved After a while.
After my mom had me I believesomewhere around that my parents
um got married when I was sixmonths old and they really
(03:10):
raised me in the admonition ofthe Lord.
Um, my dad, I love my dad.
I'm such a daddy's girl.
I grew up seeing my dad studyscripture every day at the
dining room table.
I have horror stories of my dadwaking me up at 6 am in high
school to do Bible study.
That's just the kind ofenvironment that I grew up in as
(03:32):
a kid and as a young teen.
But when I found Christ formyself even though my parents,
you know they raised me in thechurch and all these different
things my finding the Lord wasactually not with them.
I can remember I was in thefirst grade and I had a teacher
named Ms Peoples.
(03:52):
Shout out to Ms Peoples.
I'm pretty sure she's not aliveanymore because she was very
old when I was in the firstgrade, but I know her spirit is
with the Lord and Ms Peoples.
I went to a Christianelementary school, private
school, and Ms Peoples wasshowing us this video.
It was around Easter and it wasa video about Jesus and he was
(04:15):
on the cross and it was acartoon, so it wasn't like gory
or nothing like that, but it wasthe Easter story, it was the
resurrection story.
And I remember, sitting at mydesk I just felt so overwhelmed
and I just began to weep.
And my teacher, she saw me andshe called me out in the hallway
.
She said, ashley, are you okay?
What's going on?
And I told her I think I wantJesus in my heart and she led me
(04:39):
in the salvation prayer thatday and from that day I know we
all, like a lot of us churchkids, have that finding Jesus,
like getting saved, in yourchildhood.
But I would say for me thiswasn't like a.
My parents made me do a typething.
I really felt the power of theHoly spirit that day and I can
(05:00):
remember that feeling even rightnow, even through my childhood.
Um, I had this struggle withlike I knew who the Lord was.
But it was a lot of things thathappened to me, happened with
me as a kid.
Um, I battled withhomosexuality and, um, same sex
(05:20):
attractions.
For as long as I can rememberit wasn't.
I won't say I felt like it wassomething I was born with, but
it was something that was putonto me.
Um, my first sexual experienceswere all with girls that were
my age.
I used to joke as a teen andsay I was a chick magnet because
(05:42):
for some reason, everywherethat I went, girls would just
kind of throw themselves at meand I couldn't figure out.
I didn't know the term lesbianor the term gay at the time.
But as I got older I learnedwhat those things were about.
I learned, you know, how theLord felt about them as well,
(06:06):
and so that was a major strugglefor me as a kid.
I didn't tell my parents whatwas going on.
You know my parents my mom'snot from this country and my
dad's a country boy they findthemselves in Savannah, georgia,
meeting at Savannah StateUniversity, shout out to HBCUs
across the nation, and so theyjust settled here.
(06:27):
I didn't have any family oranything like that.
So the connections that I didhave, I was so afraid to sever
them because it was the onlyfamily I had, and I really just
couldn't recognize how thoserelationships, honestly, were
supposed to go, because that'sall I knew.
(06:49):
Fast forward to high school, Ireally struggled with that
identity portion and ifanybody's watching this and
knows me from Savannah, georgia,windsor Forest High School, I
had a girlfriend my 12th gradeyear and I found freedom in that
(07:09):
relationship.
But I also found bondage inthat relationship and I knew the
Lord and I knew what thescripture said about
homosexuality and those thingsand honestly, I just knew it
wasn't for me.
And so I had a great idea.
I really wanted to like go tocollege here in Savannah.
My mom was like you know, youshould venture out, get out.
(07:33):
You know, go far away, findyourself.
You know, discover yourselfcollege.
I thought that that would openthe door for me to escape this
lifestyle that I've stepped intoand to draw closer to God,
(07:53):
because that's really what Iwanted.
And little did I know I wasstepping into the fire.
I went to college.
My roommate was a 6'2 community.
That's who I hung out with,that's what I was surrounded by,
(08:33):
and that was my life.
When I got on campus, the verything that I thought I was
running away from I ran straightinto.
Even though it was a Christiancollege, I was, you know, still,
we had church services that wehad to go through, go to every
Tuesday, things like that and Iwould skip out, go, slap my
cards, look like I was there andleave.
(08:54):
It was really not only aculture shock, but it was a.
It was a major struggle for me.
It was a major struggle for me,honestly.
It was a major struggle for me.
It was a major struggle for meHonestly.
I did wrestle with the thoughtlike I came here to get closer
to God and like God put me righthere in the middle of this.
Maybe this is what I'm supposedto be, you know doing, maybe
(09:15):
this is the life that I'msupposed to live.
And, honestly, it was anotherlesbian that went to the school
and she told me one day she waslike Ashley, this is not for you
.
She was like you're, this isn'tfor you.
And hearing her say thathonestly, like it kind of broke
(09:44):
my heart a little bit, cause Ikind of had a crush on her.
But also it just just for thefirst time since I had been on
that campus, it reminded me of,like, really, really, why I came
here and I took some time tokind of step back from that
community.
I started spending time withother friends and things like
that on the campus and wentthrough some things, got into
(10:09):
some other things not anythingtoo crazy but got a boyfriend
and just started going to church.
I actually started the firstgospel choir on that campus.
It was a predominantly whitecollege and I was finding myself
even more in the Lord.
And after me and my boyfriendbroke up, it was kind of it was
(10:31):
a little bit of a separator.
He was real serious about ourrelationship and I was just like
, eh wait, sir, I'm young.
So I severed that relationshipand after that kind of got mixed
up in the wrong crowds, becausehe really kind of helped me
stay solid, to be honest, and Igot mixed up in the wrong crowd
(10:54):
kind of, and started smokingweed and doing all these
different things that I reallywasn't doing like that.
And one night, me and myhomegirl we were really good
friends with the campus drugdealer and he invited us over to
smoke and I don't know if itwas laced with something or
(11:16):
something, but needless to say,I got so high that I was
paralyzed.
I literally could not move.
My hands, my body, I wasconsciously awake, my eyes could
move, but I couldn't move, Icouldn't talk, I couldn't do
anything.
And my friend she's high anddrunk and the guy he was like,
(11:39):
well, you know what, she couldjust sleep on my couch and you
can go home, you just come backand get her tomorrow.
And so she left and when sheleft me there, he raped me and
I've never shared this story soopenly.
(12:00):
I just, honestly, was able togo into detail with my husband
about it a few months ago.
But I think it's importantbecause there's more stories
like this and it's moreimportant because of what
happened afterwards After thatincident.
(12:24):
I didn't recognize it, but Ibegan to spiral.
I just began to do whatever Iwanted to do.
I had to leave school because Iwasn't going to class, wasn't
doing what I was supposed to bedoing, and everybody could see
the things that I was doingwrong, but nobody could see the
(12:45):
pain that I was dealing with.
I didn't tell anybody on thecampus.
I didn't tell any of my friends.
I didn't tell anybody becauseof the status of the guy and
it's whatever.
It's not whatever, but that'show I made it seem.
I just was like you know,whatever.
It's not whatever, but that'show I made it seem.
(13:06):
I just was like you know, it'swhatever, I'm going to just keep
going.
And that led me to just adownward spiral in my life when
it came to relationships withmen and just all that stuff, and
I ended up getting pregnant.
I found myself getting.
I found myself pregnant.
I was in the Bahamas with mybest friend at the time and my
sister and I remember I tookthat pregnancy test because I
(13:30):
was, like you know, trying todrink little piña coladas, you
know little Bahama mamas, andlike everything was disgusting
and I'm like this is not right.
And so my sister was like youmight be pregnant.
I'm like man, I am definitelynot pregnant.
I tell you that we took thatpregnancy test in the Bahamas
(13:52):
and it was.
We took three.
They was all positive.
I was like this is the Bahamastest.
I got to wait until I get tothe States because I can't
believe this right now.
And so I got to the States,took another pregnancy test in
like as soon as we got there andit was positive.
And I remember I told my friendand I told my sister.
I said y'all are going to bethe only ones that ever know
about this, because I wasdefinitely not about to go home
(14:16):
and tell my parents I waspregnant.
And so, me and my friend, wedrove down to Fort Lauderdale
and caught a boat to the Bahamas.
So we were driving back.
It's about a seven hour drivefrom Fort Lauderdale to Savannah
.
And we're driving back and Ihad a dream.
I was asleep in the passengerseat and I was in this white
(14:41):
room with no ground, no ceiling,no walls really.
It was just white everywhereand I was just kind of floating
and these voices just began totaunt me and they just kept
saying coward, coward, coward,like they were.
It was almost like the voiceswere hitting me from every
(15:06):
direction and I just remembersaying like I'm not a coward.
And then I heard the voice ofthe Lord.
He said if you do this, theonly thing that your child will
know about you is that you're acoward.
And I woke up tears flowingdown my face.
And I woke up tears flowingdown my face and I knew at that
(15:35):
moment I couldn't deny theresponsibilities of the actions
that I've made.
I went home and I immediatelytold my parents I was pregnant
and that was the hardest seasonof my life because of the
downward spiral that I had.
I didn't know who my daughter'sfather was.
And let me let me backtrackWait, wait, wait, because I knew
(15:55):
it was one of two people.
I just didn't know which one ofthose two people it was and
honestly I didn't want it to beeither one.
So sorry, um, but I'm like youknow these, not dudes that I'm
like I want to spend dealingwith for the rest of my life.
And so I had, like, this hardsituation that I was facing and
I felt so alone and honestly Iwas alone.
(16:17):
Church started treating medifferent Parents, family, I
mean, my dad was just soheartbroken.
He didn't talk to me, honestly,for most of the time I was
pregnant, but I have a goodfather.
He was really heartbroken, buthe also built an addition to his
(16:38):
home for me and my child.
So that was a really hard time.
So that was a really hard timeand I just remember the only
solitude.
The only friend that I had wasthe Lord.
(17:09):
I had a drawing to the word ofGod for the first time in my
life.
I didn't have anybody to talkto, anyone to relate to.
I couldn't talk to anybody, butI had my prayer time and I had
the scriptures and the Lordbegan to speak to me more in
(17:36):
that season than he ever had inmy life.
One day I was reading aboutAbraham and Isaac and the Lord
told me thank you, that mydaughter was going to be the ram
in my bush.
She was going to be the ram inthe bush of my life and I named
(17:58):
her Mariah after Mount Mariah,where Abraham took Isaac.
During that season, the Lordused me to lay hands on the sick
and I saw them recover for thefirst time in my life.
During that season, the Lordgave me prophetic words and I'm
(18:21):
so grateful for that time thathe spent with me and I'm so
grateful for that time that hespent with me.
Ooh guys, I didn't want to crytoday.
I'm so grateful for that timethat he spent with me because it
changed my life.
It changed my life and he was100% correct.
(18:43):
My daughter was the ram in mybush.
She was the awakening.
She made me come out of myslumber and try to do something
with my life, because I was justcoasting.
I was wrecked with pain andhurt and confusion, and she
(19:13):
brought me clarity and the Lordjust continued to just move in
my life after I had her.
But there were some things thatI was still battling and I
didn't have the community,honestly, that I needed to keep
me in that place and I met myhusband and I met my husband in
a club, y'all.
I met him in a club and me andhim started, you know, seeing
(19:42):
each other and dating Me and himstarted, you know, seeing each
other and dating.
And shortly after that we gotpregnant with our second
daughter.
And after that time of just, Imoved out of my parents' house,
moved away and started justdoing whatever I wanted to do
(20:05):
and I started smoking weed, realheavy after that time and
honestly, guys, I was Actuallythey used to call me pothead
potter, like I was very seriousand it was to the point where I
wasn't convicted about it.
I wasn't convicted at all aboutit at that time and I would
pray often at all about it atthat time and I would pray Often
(20:28):
.
I was going to church.
I wasn't serving in the churchnow, but I was going to church
every week because I still hadthat connection to the Lord and
I still had a desire for Him.
But now I found myself livingthis life that I didn't know
exactly how to escape.
So the place where I foundpeace and rest was just to
consistently at least go tochurch.
(20:51):
And, um, I found myself addictedto marijuana.
Um, every morning I woke upevery night before I went to
sleep throughout the day.
I mean, I literally startedsmoking on my lunch break at one
point.
It was really bad, um, and Iwould pray um, you know, lord,
(21:13):
if this is, if this not pleasingto you, like, show me.
You're going to have to show me.
I would make this joke thatJesus was going to have to come
down and take the blunt out ofmy hand himself.
And let me tell y'all, he, hepretty much did that.
Um, after smoking consistentlyfor a few years, my body created
(21:34):
a what's the word?
It just began to reject ithonestly.
And for two years the doctorscouldn't understand what was
going on with my body.
I would have these spells ofjust vomiting for weeks at a
time, and it was because of themarijuana.
(21:59):
One day I went to a doctor andhe asked me you know about
smoking?
And I ain't never been one tolie about no doctor, about
nothing.
Let me tell you y'all, betternot be lying to them doctors,
they not the cops.
I did not lie to my doctor.
I always, every time they belike do you smoke?
I say not cigarettes, they knowwhat that mean.
(22:22):
And so this one doctor inparticular, he was like hmm, ok,
like how often do you smoke?
And I was like, hmm, every day,yeah, he was like OK.
He said Google this word.
I typed it in, I ain't gonnahold y'all, I can't remember the
word.
I typed it in.
He said read those.
(22:44):
You know symptoms.
What does that sound like?
I said that sounds like me.
He said let's try this, humorme, stop smoking and let's see
if your body heals itself.
And I'm like OK, doc, so whatyou mean, like just on the
weekends, like what you mean?
(23:04):
He's like no, indefinitely stop.
And I was like okay, and Iremember leaving that doctor's
appointment and getting in mycar and crying, I had my hands
on the steering wheel, my headjust bowed and I just wept.
Had my hands on the steeringwheel, my head just bowed and I
just wept.
And I heard the voice of theHoly Spirit say it's something
(23:28):
that you did, it's not who youare.
And I realized that I hadconnected my relationship with
marijuana to my identity.
That was the first time that Ihad a realization of the tricks
and the schemes of the enemy toconnect sin to identity.
(23:52):
And I went home I told myhusband and he was like, yes,
I'm so glad because he's beentaking care of me this whole
time.
Like I'm glad and I'm just likehe's been taking care of me
this whole time, like I'm gladand I'm just like man, what?
What do you mean?
I was so heartbroken to losethis thing that I, honestly, I
loved it.
I loved it, but I had prayed,lord, you know, if this isn't
(24:19):
for me, if this is somethingthat doesn't please, you take it
away from me.
Cause I knew I couldn't take itaway from myself.
And I went through that journeyof getting sober and it was
extremely hard.
It was extremely hard coming tothe realization that I had an
addiction.
I swore up and down you cannotbe addicted to weed.
That is a lie.
It's a lie.
(24:41):
I found out so much aboutmarijuana after the fact.
I found out that marijuanastunts your emotional growth and
development and so after Istopped, I would have these
panic attacks.
(25:01):
I felt like I couldn't controlmy emotions, I would cry a lot
and all these different things.
And I sat down with a therapistfrom Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville
, florida, and she began to tellme about all the studies about
(25:22):
marijuana that are not blatantlyout there and showing me how
they're actually at work in me,and I started smoking at about
24, 23.
So my emotional growth as a 30something year old was a 23 year
(25:43):
old.
Something year old was a 23year old the time where my I was
supposed to be creating thosedefense mechanisms, mentally and
internally, the way that Godcreated my body, too.
I was replacing it withmarijuana, so I never had to
deal with my issues.
I never had to deal with hardthings.
I just had to smoke, and Idon't know who that's for.
(26:04):
It's not who you are Right.
It's just something that you do, and I promise you it's not
just about what people say, likewhat makes you less smart or
something like that removesbrain cells.
I can't remember what they usedto say when I was growing up in
there, but you know, listen,there did not work.
(26:28):
I'm so sorry.
Y'all, we're all doing drugs.
I stopped, thank God, but it'sway more than that, and I found
out that it causes you toactually have more anxiety, more
stress and more depression,causing you to want to use it
(26:49):
even the more so if you ever tryto stop smoking.
Even probably within the firstfew days, you'll find yourself
more angry or more frustrated,making you want to smoke,
because that is the effects ofmarijuana.
I'm sorry, y'all, I'm sorry tobust your bubble that, it just
is what it is.
And so I found myself in mythirties now trying to work on
(27:14):
those things that I, thosedefense mechanisms and those
tools that I should have createdin my twenties to be able to
handle hard things, because letme tell you what this life is
hard.
But the best thing that I foundthrough this entire process is
a deeper relationship with theLord.
After I stopped smoking, Iturned to the Lord completely,
(27:40):
completely.
My relationship with him wentto another place, and one of the
things that I started doing wasI started going to small groups
at my church.
I think it's so important toget in Christian community.
Guys, god did not just save usjust to be saved.
He saved us to put us incommunity.
(28:03):
I didn't grow up in a churchwhere we had small groups that
we had community.
We went to church and we camehome.
Those was our church friends.
We've seen them when we wasthere, but we didn't have
community.
We didn't have anyone to keepus accountable.
Small groups changed my life.
It was in small groups that Iwas able to take the mask off.
(28:26):
It was in small groups that Iwas able to say, hey, my name is
Ashley and I have a problem.
My name is Ashley and I'mdealing with this.
And not only was I able to say,hey, my name is Ashley and I
have a problem.
My name is Ashley and I'mdealing with this.
And not only was I able to findbiblical answers, I was able to
find community to say you knowwhat?
I'm dealing with this too.
You're not alone.
It was during that time that Irealized like the enemy tried to
make me feel like I'm the onlyone that's dealing with this,
(28:48):
I'm the only one that aredealing with these issues in my
past.
But there was so many morepeople, there was so much more
of a community than I realized.
And I'm so grateful for thechurch that God planted me in
Because, honestly, the personthat I was when I walked through
them doors when I was 22, 23years old, still smoking weed,
do whatever the heck I wanted todo, I'm now the worship pastor.
(29:10):
I didn't see that in my future.
I didn't see the plans that theLord had for me, but I'm
grateful that even in my sin, Iwas able to hear his direction.
He was able to still lead mewhen I wasn't willing to give
him a full yes.
So, whatever space that youfind yourself in right now, I
(29:31):
want to encourage you don't giveup on God, because he sure
didn't give up on you and hewill not Continue to show up.
Let that word change you, letthat word work out in you and
work out in your life.
Start getting in community,start showing up to the small
(30:01):
groups.
I know it could seem lame atfirst, but I'm telling you, once
you get into those spaces, yourealize aha, this is what God
created us to do.
This is how God meant for thechurch to operate in.
Whether that's in a house churchor you're in a big church, you
need to find Christian community.
It is so important.
It is so important.
I tell a lot of the youngladies and young men that come
to me in our church the firstthings they're like.
(30:21):
You know, I'm just startingthis Jesus thing and I'm trying
to figure out where to go, whatto do Small groups, small groups
, small groups.
You need to get in a smallgroup.
If this one don't work out foryou, try another one.
Don't stop, get.
Find community, find Christiancommunity.
It is very, very, veryimportant, not only just for
(30:44):
your spiritual growth, but alsofor your mental growth, for your
mental capacity.
You have somebody that you cancall and that will actually pray
with you.
It's important, guys.
And so, yeah, now, years later,I find myself leading in the
church, and that's somethingthat I honestly never wanted to
(31:08):
do, and I'll tell more of thatstory later.
I feel like today the Lord justwanted me to share my
transition from darkness tolight to darkness to light, and
how he really remained throughmy life and how he saved me, how
he rescued me, and I'm really,really grateful for that.
(31:31):
I'm really really grateful thathe saw fit to go generations in
my past to make sure that I wasokay.
I didn't even share about thethree times I tried to take my
life.
We don't have enough time thethree times I tried to take my
life.
We don't have enough time.
(31:54):
But it's a hard battle.
When the world is telling youthat it's okay to be who you are
, who you think you are, and theword's telling you something
that's different.
I would tell you don't go bywhat you hear.
Find out for yourself.
Find out what the word says foryourself.
(32:15):
Find out what the word of Godis saying for yourself.
Seek the Lord for yourself.
Yeah, I'm glad that you wereable to hear some of my story.
I couldn't tell the whole thingbecause we'd be here all day and
I'll probably trickle it evenmore over the next few weeks,
(32:35):
but I feel like those are thekey things that the Lord just
really wanted me to open upabout and to share with you.
I hope that you don't run awayand that you come back and join
me next week for the nextepisode.
I promise you I'll get intosome scripture and get into some
word, because that's what we'rehere for.
But I just want to encourageanyone who is struggling with.
(33:00):
I want to be fruitful in thekingdom of God, but this culture
has a hold on me.
It's not worth it.
It's not worth it.
It's not worth your peace, it'snot worth your joy.
It's not worth it.
It's not worth it.
It's not worth your peace, it'snot worth your joy, it's not
worth your health.
What God has for you is so muchbetter and I'm not saying that
it's easier, I'm not saying thatit's going to come without pain
(33:23):
or without hardship, but what Iam saying is it is better.
I love you.
I can't wait to see you guysnext week.
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