Happy Hour • Bedroom Food Fails

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From corn dogs to pickles, food in the bedroom doesn’t always go as planned—and this week, we’re sharing the funniest and messiest food fails from our listeners (and ourselves). Whipped cream disasters, chocolate chaos, and a few stories you’ll never look at the snack aisle the same way again.

Got a juicy story you want us to read on the show? Send it in at KinksAndCocktails.com and you might hear it on a future episode!

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_04 (00:00):
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(00:21):
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(00:42):
And yes, he will sing with youin your new living room.
Clink, drink, and call Nikita.
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At 763-373-4456.

(01:06):
Nikita Zubirev, Minnesota'sgreatest karaoke realtor.

SPEAKER_00 (01:12):
This is Kinks and Cocktails, a podcast where we
explore all things kink and allthings drink.
Kinks and Cocktails containsexplicit content.
Listener discretion is advised.

SPEAKER_01 (01:30):
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear Eve.
Happy birthday to you.

SPEAKER_02 (01:38):
Well, that was a surprise.
Hi, Eve.
Hi, thank you, Katie.
That was really nice of you.

SPEAKER_04 (01:45):
You're very welcome.

SPEAKER_02 (01:47):
Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 (01:48):
Everyone, this is my special guest, Eve, and it was
her birthday this week.
So happy birthday.

SPEAKER_02 (01:54):
Thank you so much.
I appreciate it.

SPEAKER_04 (01:55):
You're welcome.
Thanks for coming on today.

SPEAKER_02 (01:57):
Absolutely.
I'm honored.
I'm excited.

SPEAKER_04 (01:59):
Yeah?

SPEAKER_02 (02:00):
Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_04 (02:00):
Did you have a good birthday?

SPEAKER_02 (02:02):
I did.
My boyfriend Mike took me to afine dining restaurant called
Demi.

SPEAKER_04 (02:08):
Oh.

SPEAKER_02 (02:09):
I uh got drunk.

SPEAKER_04 (02:11):
All right.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (02:13):
The first time in, I think, years.
But uh, but yeah, it was it wasa good time.
They had they had wine withevery every course of the meal.
So multi-course meal can't gowrong.
Yes, absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 (02:26):
Awesome.
Sounds like you enjoyedyourself.
I love that.

SPEAKER_02 (02:30):
Absolutely did.

SPEAKER_04 (02:32):
Good.
Um, so should we go on withspeaking of food?

SPEAKER_02 (02:37):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (02:37):
Should we go on with what our topic is?

SPEAKER_02 (02:39):
Absolutely.
Yeah.
So food fetishes gone wrong.

SPEAKER_04 (02:43):
Yes, in the bedroom.
Oh boy.
This is your idea, Eve.
It was.
And I love it so much.
I'm I was so excited for thisone.

SPEAKER_02 (02:52):
Yeah.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (02:53):
And you know, it was perfect timing because it was
just the Minnesota State Fair.

SPEAKER_02 (02:58):
Yeah, it r it was.
I mean, and then that is allit's known for all of the
different kinds of weird foodsand basically fried everything.

SPEAKER_04 (03:04):
Absolutely.
Did you go this year?
No.

SPEAKER_02 (03:07):
No.

SPEAKER_04 (03:07):
No.
I went twice this year.

SPEAKER_02 (03:11):
No, I'm I'm more of a Renaissance festival kind of
person too, which is also greatfor food, you know.

SPEAKER_04 (03:16):
And I've never been to the Renaissance festival.
Really?
I know.
Everybody keeps like saying, youwould love it.
You would love it.

SPEAKER_02 (03:21):
I would love it.
It is right up your alley.

SPEAKER_04 (03:24):
See?

SPEAKER_02 (03:24):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (03:24):
I need to go.
It's on my bucket list.
I will.
Well, my favorite thing to eatat the state fair this year is
the deep fried peppercinis.

SPEAKER_02 (03:33):
Ooh.

SPEAKER_04 (03:33):
And the PBJ uncrustable burger.

SPEAKER_02 (03:36):
Oh, that sounds good, except for the burger
part.
The PBJ uncrustable, though.

SPEAKER_04 (03:40):
Just a deep fried PBJ uncrustable would have been
perfect.
Yeah.
Having two deep-frieduncrustable burgers or yeah, as
buns.

SPEAKER_02 (03:49):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (03:49):
That was a little intense.

SPEAKER_02 (03:51):
That sounds intense.
I mean, that's a lot of peanutbutter and a lot of beef and mix
in some jelly, and what are yougoing to do with your life?

SPEAKER_04 (03:59):
You can barely hold the entire thing in your hand.
It was what was your favoritething to eat at Renfest?

SPEAKER_02 (04:04):
So every single year, I actually go straight to
the popovers, which is what's apopover?
So it's a it's a pastry.
It's made of mostly eggs, andit's it's the reason it's called
a popover is when they put it inthe oven, it pops over on the
top and it's mostly air in thecenter.
Oh and so it's great, it's justa really great consistency.

(04:25):
It's not quite like theconsistency of a croissant, but
similar to that.
So you can put all kinds of funstuff on it, like cinnamon
butter or whatever.
It's really good.

SPEAKER_04 (04:34):
It's like an airy, cloudy bread.
Yeah.
That smells really good.

SPEAKER_02 (04:37):
Yep, and it can go with sweet stuff or with savory
stuff.
You it doesn't matter, whateveryour taste is.

SPEAKER_04 (04:42):
Can go either way.

SPEAKER_02 (04:43):
Either way.

SPEAKER_04 (04:43):
I love that.
I love both.

SPEAKER_02 (04:45):
I actually really want to pop over now.

SPEAKER_04 (04:46):
Oh boy.
Maybe we'll pop on over.

SPEAKER_02 (04:50):
Go find stuff.

SPEAKER_04 (04:52):
Botum ch Okay.

SPEAKER_02 (04:54):
Don't worry, it'll get better, folks.

SPEAKER_04 (04:56):
Yep.
We'll be here all night.
Yeah.
Are you a um Martha cookies fan?

SPEAKER_02 (05:05):
You know, I mean, I'm a cookies fan, so yeah.
I mean, you could get a lot ofcookies for not a lot of
dollars.
True.
State fair.

SPEAKER_04 (05:12):
But I'm gonna go ahead and say I'm not a fan.

SPEAKER_02 (05:14):
Okay, great.
Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 (05:15):
Judge me all you want, everyone.
I don't care.
They're good, like the firstone.

SPEAKER_02 (05:20):
Yeah.
And then after that, like, yeah,okay.
It's just a it's a it's acookie.

SPEAKER_04 (05:25):
I forgot who it was, but one of our friends brought
they had come to an event afterthe state fair that day.
Yeah.
And they brought like a cup fullof Martha's cookies to the
event.
And she's like, Do you want one?
I'm like, Yeah, I I guess.
Of course.
And like they were all like hardand like not good.
Oh she's like, but they'reMartha's.

(05:46):
And I'm like, But I I could makebetter.

SPEAKER_02 (05:50):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (05:51):
I'm like, yeah, yeah.
Especially left over at a raveevent.
I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 (05:56):
It was Yeah, yeah, exactly.
I don't know if cookies are whatpeople are looking for at that
moment.

SPEAKER_04 (06:02):
Yeah, yeah.
But I we did go to the hauntedhouse at the State Fair, and
that was a good little kickoffto Halloween season.

SPEAKER_02 (06:12):
Yeah, that that the the um haunted house at the
state fair is pretty lit.

SPEAKER_04 (06:17):
Yeah.
It did remind me of okay.
Have you heard of book talk?

SPEAKER_02 (06:24):
Go on.

SPEAKER_04 (06:25):
Okay.
So it's kind of trending rightnow.

SPEAKER_02 (06:28):
Okay.

SPEAKER_04 (06:29):
We're well, mostly girlies, but of course, whoever,
um, are into erotic novels aboutmasked men.

SPEAKER_02 (06:38):
Oh, yeah, that's for some reason all over my Facebook
feed.
I don't really know.
See?
That's really weird.
So why would it be sending methat?

SPEAKER_04 (06:46):
I don't know, Eve.
Got something you want to sharewith the class?

SPEAKER_02 (06:50):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (06:51):
Mike.
Come over here.
I'm just kidding.
Yeah.
Um, chime in.
So, all right.
So for everybody who doesn'tknow, there's a it's trending
right now for mostly females orfemale identified identifying to
go to these haunted house eventsor festivals, and they get

(07:12):
turned on by all the masked men.
Like they like they want them tolike corner them and like be all
like seductive towards them, andlike they like show no fear of
these girlies, and they're justlike, yeah.
Like some girls when kicked outof haunted house events for
this, and like by like, becausethey're not always like touch

(07:34):
the scare actors, yeah, you'renot sure.
And they get kind of, you know,and now they have to train these
scare actors for this to happen.
It's getting that popular.

SPEAKER_02 (07:46):
So if I'm hearing you correctly, the haunted
houses are the new male stripclubs.

SPEAKER_04 (07:52):
Kind of.

SPEAKER_02 (07:54):
Because you can't touch.

unknown (07:55):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (07:55):
All right.
Yeah.
And like less expensive, Iguess.

SPEAKER_04 (07:59):
Right.
But like, at least at a stripclub, you know who's behind the
mask.
Yeah.
They're not wearing masks.
Like, yeah.
You're like, that's a I get it,the mis the mystery, and you
know, and that can be sexy andhot or whatever.
But and like the dress up andthe dark, you know, like but in

(08:20):
my mind, very good chance it'sjust some 50-year-old dude who
lives at his mom's basementeating Cheetos.
Like, I don't I don't trustwho's behind the city.

SPEAKER_02 (08:30):
It could be anybody.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (08:32):
And I know that's not the point.
If you can get past that, allthe power to you, I don't think
I could.

SPEAKER_02 (08:37):
It is most definitely not going to be a
super ripped dude that lookslike He-Man.

SPEAKER_04 (08:42):
Right.

SPEAKER_02 (08:43):
There's like is in my feed.

SPEAKER_04 (08:45):
There's like there's so much AI going around about it
now about these ripped dudes,like where they put the mask on
so you can see the face first,and you're like, oh yeah, okay.
That I get.
But wow.
So if I'm just showing up at ahaunted event and I don't know
who you are, where you're from.
Don't don't know who's behindthat mask.
No thanks.

SPEAKER_02 (09:04):
No, I'm good.
I'm good on that.

SPEAKER_04 (09:06):
I got a husband I can ask to wear a mask if I
really wanted to.
Fulfill that fantasy.
Yeah.
At least I know who's behind it.
Please.
Actually, honey.

SPEAKER_02 (09:17):
But you know what?

SPEAKER_04 (09:18):
That's your thing.

SPEAKER_02 (09:19):
More power to you.
Yeah.
Judgment free zone.

SPEAKER_04 (09:22):
Yeah.
I wish I could.
I guess.

SPEAKER_02 (09:26):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (09:27):
Jealous of you.
Oh, the last ride I went on,you're gonna love us.

SPEAKER_02 (09:31):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (09:31):
We went on a ride called Techno Power.

SPEAKER_02 (09:34):
Oh, yeah.
Yes.

SPEAKER_04 (09:35):
The one with uh it's got Tiesto's face crinkled.

SPEAKER_02 (09:38):
Oh yeah, absolutely.
That's that's the ride everyevery single year.
In fact, I can't remember ifsomebody posted it on their
figure.
You're like, somebody needs tofix Tiesto's face by me.
Oh poor guy.
He doesn't he probably have noidea.
I know.
I wonder if they even play anysongs by Tiesto on that ride.

SPEAKER_04 (09:58):
I don't even know any Tiesto songs at this point.
Tashi, shout out to Tashi.
We were walking around, we'relike, we gotta we had just
enough tickets left for oneride.
And we passed that one, we'relike, yep, that's the one.
That's the one.

SPEAKER_02 (10:11):
That's it.
That's it.
It's so dumb.
It is.
Every single I have not been tothe fair in many years, but you
know, when you go that manytimes and that ride is just a
staple, you just can't help butremember Tiesto's face.

SPEAKER_04 (10:26):
Gotta do it.

SPEAKER_02 (10:27):
Sprinkled.
Wow.

SPEAKER_04 (10:32):
Alright, so um moving on to this for food theme
more for this episode.

SPEAKER_02 (10:38):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (10:39):
Do you know the first movie I thought of when
you suggested this?

SPEAKER_02 (10:43):
Ooh, what?

SPEAKER_04 (10:44):
American Pie.

SPEAKER_02 (10:46):
Oh my goodness gracious.
Yep.

SPEAKER_04 (10:48):
And the scene.
You know what scene I'm talkingabout.

SPEAKER_02 (10:51):
I know exactly what you're talking about.
You can't if you you have tohave been living under a rock to
not know that.

SPEAKER_04 (10:58):
Those movies would not fly today, but.

SPEAKER_02 (11:01):
No, absolutely not.

SPEAKER_04 (11:04):
Everybody knows the scene.
Uh-huh.
Um, that's the first thing Ithought of.

SPEAKER_02 (11:07):
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, uh, the first thingthat I thought of actually was
when uh a friend of mine whowill remain unnamed uh came over
to my house and we were puttingbananas in his mouth.

SPEAKER_04 (11:22):
Oh, what kind of party was this, Eve?

SPEAKER_02 (11:24):
It was just a regular old party.

SPEAKER_04 (11:26):
Just a typical Tuesday.
Just a typical Tuesday.

SPEAKER_02 (11:29):
And so, you know what?
Actually, I'll just leave it atthat.

SPEAKER_04 (11:33):
Okay, leave it at that if you will.
We can we'll use ourimagination.
It wasn't the kind of partyyou'd think it was.
I I've I've heard it all.
I don't know where to go withthis.
Um I know you, you know me, weknow our friends.
I I have no idea.
Nope, yep, it's a mystery.

(11:54):
All right, we'll leave it amystery then, and it's gonna bug
me the entire time.
Thanks for the invite.
Invite me next time.

SPEAKER_02 (12:02):
Yep.

SPEAKER_04 (12:03):
Um, so I thought this episode needed a long,
linden list.
I can't talk today.
Yeah.
A long, winded list of foodstypically used in the bedroom.
So I'm gonna take a deep breathhere.
Oh goodness.
All right.
Ready?

SPEAKER_02 (12:22):
Yes.
I'm here for it.

SPEAKER_04 (12:25):
Chocolate, whipped cream, honey, caramel, syrups,
ice cream.
Sounds like a brain freeze.
Strawberries, bananas, peanutbutter, jelly, marshmallows,
pudding, cookies, cake,sprinkles, glitter for your
bits, soda, champagne, cherries,peaches, edible oils, chocolate
sauce, frosting, candy, gel,lollipops, liquor for body
shops, and of course, cocktails.
Did it.

SPEAKER_02 (12:43):
That was really great.
Thank you.
I would give you a high five ifI wouldn't for sure accidentally
hit this camp or this microphonein front of me.

SPEAKER_04 (12:52):
Air five, air cheers.
There we go.

SPEAKER_02 (12:54):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (12:58):
All right.
Well, now I'm out of breath.
So should we move on to stories?

SPEAKER_02 (13:01):
Absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 (13:02):
Do you want to do the first one here?
Let me catch my breath.

SPEAKER_02 (13:05):
Sure can.
Take it away, Eve.
So so this one was sent in fromuh well, it's called the Nacho
incident, first of all.
Oh boy.
It's from a college kid.
So uh the story happened at 2a.m.
The subject of the letter saysNacho Night Disaster.

SPEAKER_04 (13:25):
Oh boy.

SPEAKER_02 (13:26):
Yo, Katie, girlfriend.

SPEAKER_04 (13:28):
Yo.

SPEAKER_02 (13:29):
Yeah, that's how it starts.

SPEAKER_04 (13:30):
Love it.

SPEAKER_02 (13:32):
And uh girl, my girlfriend and I thought nachos
in bed would be fun.
Bad idea.
Melted cheese is hotter thanlava.
Jalapen Yos don't belonganywhere near sensitive zones.
And I ended up in the ER with anice pack between my legs.
The nurse didn't even askquestions, just gave me that you

(13:53):
dumbass look.

The moral of the story (13:55):
nachos are for Netflix, not sex.
That's from Brad, age 23, stilltraumatized.

SPEAKER_04 (14:03):
Brad, Brad, Brad, Brad.

SPEAKER_02 (14:06):
I mean, the first question I had is what actually
happened that he ended up in theER.

SPEAKER_04 (14:14):
Right.

SPEAKER_02 (14:15):
Um there's a lot to unpack there.

SPEAKER_04 (14:17):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Was it the the Brad?
Don't get don't get me wrong.
I love some nachos, especiallythat fake ass cheese that's like
not even real cheese.
Oh my god.
Give me that gas station movietheater cheese.
I love it.
I don't know if I love it thatmuch, but you're not in love
with well, maybe.

(14:38):
Um don't tempt me with a goodtime of char queso.
Hey.
That reminds me, I guess.
Sorry, Danny.
Um, ooh, the tea.

SPEAKER_02 (14:54):
Drop the tea.

SPEAKER_04 (14:55):
Uh-huh.
So we cook very spicy food.

SPEAKER_02 (14:58):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (14:58):
Right?

SPEAKER_02 (14:59):
Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_04 (15:00):
And before we learn to use gloves while cooking said
spicy food, um, things startedgoing down in the bedroom after
dinner.

SPEAKER_02 (15:10):
Oh.
Well then.

SPEAKER_04 (15:11):
This is with Thai chili peppers, mind you.
Very hot spicy pepper.

SPEAKER_02 (15:16):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (15:16):
All of a sudden I start screaming and I start
running to the shower.
Cold shower.
Everything was burning.
I turned up fine.
But Handy's like laughing.
I'm like, it's not funny.

SPEAKER_02 (15:29):
Oh, man.
Thank you for painting such avivid picture of that.

SPEAKER_04 (15:34):
So from now on, you always see a box of cooking
gloves in our kitchen.

SPEAKER_02 (15:39):
Hey, you know, you gotta protect sexy time.

SPEAKER_04 (15:42):
Yes.
Yes.
So I feel for you.
I don't know how it got as faras where you ended up in the ER,
but yikes.

SPEAKER_02 (15:49):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (15:50):
I well, maybe it was the burning of the cheese sauce.

SPEAKER_02 (15:53):
It was the burning sensation.

SPEAKER_04 (15:54):
Like a burned the skin.
Oh god.

unknown (16:02):
Okay.

SPEAKER_02 (16:04):
Sorry, Brad.

SPEAKER_04 (16:05):
I have so many ER nurse friends and uh the the
things I've heard.

SPEAKER_02 (16:14):
Oh man.

SPEAKER_04 (16:15):
I mean Yeah.
Yeah.
Wow.
All right.
Well, thanks for that, Brad.
I'm glad you're okay.
Hope you're okay.
All right, so I guess I'll moveon.
My night my story.
So my first story is not reallya story that somebody wrote in.
It's it's somebody that we bothpersonally know.

SPEAKER_02 (16:36):
Oh.

SPEAKER_04 (16:37):
Um let's see.
But she told me I could sharethis on here.

SPEAKER_02 (16:45):
Excellent.

SPEAKER_04 (16:46):
Uh you know what?
She's not gonna care.
Shout out to Irma.
Yes.

SPEAKER_02 (16:50):
I can't wait to hear this story.

SPEAKER_04 (16:54):
So she was deeply involved in her local BDSM scene
before she moved here.
Attended their local dungeon allthe time, everything like that.
So one time they held an eventat the dungeon where she was a
human sushi bored.

SPEAKER_02 (17:09):
Ooh, Irma.

SPEAKER_04 (17:10):
Uh-huh.
So she laid naked at a table,and sushi was placed everywhere,
including like pickled ginger,horserad or wasabi, the whole
thing.
And people can just come up andeat it directly off of her
anywhere they wanted to.
Her dom was standing right nextto her the entire time, and
people had to ask her permissionfirst.

(17:33):
And so, yeah, that's what shedid.

unknown (17:37):
Oh my god.

SPEAKER_04 (17:42):
People just line up and eat sushi off her, and yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (17:46):
My jaw is on the ground.
It is.
I can't wait till next time Ihang out with her.

SPEAKER_04 (17:50):
I can see your jaw on the floor.

SPEAKER_02 (17:53):
I'm like, so hey.
I love that though.
Could you imagine like acharcuterie board?

SPEAKER_04 (18:01):
No kidding.

SPEAKER_02 (18:04):
Especially millennials.
Like.
But like, I mean, that's just,yeah.
I don't think I could sit stilllong enough.

SPEAKER_04 (18:12):
Right.

SPEAKER_02 (18:12):
I'd get too fidgety, or if it were sushi, I would for
sure start eating it myself.

SPEAKER_04 (18:16):
Right.
I would just eat it off myself.

SPEAKER_02 (18:19):
Whatever.
It's fine.
I'm just gonna have a couplepieces.
Just here and there.

SPEAKER_04 (18:25):
Wait, it'd be like shark coochie board.
I guess.
Oh boy.
We're done here.
Okay.
And there we go.
Nice.

SPEAKER_02 (18:36):
Do you want to go next?
Yeah, absolutely.
So this one, this is uh aboutstrawberry shortcake.

SPEAKER_04 (18:42):
So I love strawberry shortcake.

SPEAKER_02 (18:44):
Yes, it's Death by Dairy.
So hi kinks and cocktails.
So I thought I was beingadorable.
Whipped cream bikini,strawberries in all the right
places.
My boyfriend was loving it.
But whipped cream melts fasterthan you'd think, and suddenly
it was running into places I'dnot planned for.

(19:05):
Oh boy.
Dairy plus vagina equals nope.

SPEAKER_04 (19:09):
What?
I mean, they're not wrong, but Iwas just waiting to read that.

SPEAKER_02 (19:16):
Dairy plus vagina equals nope.
The whole thing ended with me inthe shower, sticky in all the
wrong ways.
Swearing off Ready Whip Forever.
Love you guys, Amber.

SPEAKER_04 (19:28):
Oh, yeah.
I want that on a t-shirt.
What was it again?

SPEAKER_02 (19:34):
Dairy plus vagina equals nope.

SPEAKER_04 (19:36):
I want that on a shirt.

SPEAKER_02 (19:39):
Screen a shot to listen to you.

unknown (19:41):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (19:42):
Put it in our merch store.
Hold on.

SPEAKER_02 (19:44):
Oh, that's that's actually that's a great idea.

SPEAKER_04 (19:46):
Yeah.
I mean, it's not bad advice.
Yeah.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (19:52):
Even quote her, put Amber.
Yes, from Amber.
From Amber.
Some of the cocktails.

SPEAKER_04 (19:59):
Thank you, Amber.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (20:01):
That was a good one.

SPEAKER_04 (20:04):
Oh boy.
Alright, so my first actualstory, somebody wrote in I went
in hot with a state fair story.
And so we were just talkingabout it.
Alright, let's go.
Hey, K and C crew.
I don't know if this is a kinkstory or just a food mishap that
turned into something else, butI figured if anything would get

(20:26):
it, it's you guys.
So at the Minnesota State Fair,shout out, my boyfriend and I
caved and bought some of thosedeep fried ranch wonton things.
I was already a little buzzedfrom hard lemonade, and
honestly, it felt wrong justholding it, this glob of deep
fried ranch.
It was the most Minnesotan thingI've ever did in my entire life.

SPEAKER_02 (20:48):
I don't know about this deep fried ranch.

unknown (20:50):
I can't.

SPEAKER_02 (20:52):
I have strong feelings about ranch.
And those feelings are I don'tlike it.
So deep fried ranch.
What's what are we what wherewhat we're in the middle of the
timeline is this?

SPEAKER_04 (21:12):
Deep fried ranch.
Yeah.
How does that even I don't evenokay?
I don't know.
Yeah.
Okay.
So anyways.
So he takes this massive bite,and of course, the ranch
explodes everywhere.
Hot, greasy, dripping down hischin, all over his shirt, and
then it splashed right onto me.

SPEAKER_02 (21:31):
Not the only thing exploded.

SPEAKER_04 (21:38):
It slid down into my cleavage, and we just stood
there for a second laughingabout it until we both paused
and just looked at each otherwith these with those eyes.
This had just turned us both on.
We were both a mess, and peoplewere staring.
So we ducked off into one ofthose little garden areas behind
the food stands.
He leaned me against a fence,and I swear, almost melted when

(22:02):
he started licking the ranch offmy chest like it was the best
ranch he's ever had in hisentire life.

SPEAKER_03 (22:08):
Hell yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (22:09):
We made out and then he grabbed another wonton and
burst it open all over my titsagain.
He cleaned them up well with histongue and kept having the
hottest makeout session ever,right there in the middle of the
state fair.
We eventually went back out intothe crowd like nothing happened.
And we're tempted to buy anotherorder of deep fried ranch.

(22:31):
It is the sexiest thing ever.
And now we never look at ranchthe same way again.
Thanks for reading from ranchlovers.

SPEAKER_02 (22:38):
I'll have what they're having.

SPEAKER_04 (22:40):
Right.
Like now I kind of want some.

SPEAKER_02 (22:44):
I was like, I'd like I would like some ranch.

SPEAKER_04 (22:48):
I think I have a bottle upstairs.

SPEAKER_02 (22:53):
Okay, it just got real.

SPEAKER_04 (22:55):
Ranch body shots for Patreon.
Woo!

SPEAKER_02 (22:59):
Nailed it.

SPEAKER_04 (23:00):
If you want to join our Patreon, it's only dollar a
month, patreon.com slash kinksof cocktails.
All right.

SPEAKER_02 (23:06):
Shameless plugs.

SPEAKER_04 (23:07):
There may or may not be ranch body shots on there.

SPEAKER_02 (23:10):
Yeah.
Ooh.

SPEAKER_04 (23:12):
All right.
Alrighty Eve, you're up to theshow.

SPEAKER_02 (23:13):
All right.
Well, this is another sushi one.
Oh boy.
So, yes.
When oh yeah.
It's it's it's when sushi goeserotic and fails.
Yes.
That's the title or the subjectline.
Dear Katie, I'm a connoisseur offine cuisine, and I thought
pairing sushi with sex would bea masterpiece.

(23:35):
I laid out sashimi, portsake,even fanned out wasabi like an
artist's palette.
But alas, raw tuna does not farewell at room temperature.
Within hours, both of us wereviolently ill, groaning in bed.
Not from pleasure, but from foodpoisoning.
Truly the least sexy night of mylife.
Respectfully, Gregory T.

SPEAKER_04 (23:55):
No, Gregory, no!

SPEAKER_02 (23:56):
Uh yeah.
That's uh cla classic sushimistake.

SPEAKER_04 (24:02):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (24:02):
Yeah, you wanna you don't want to leave that sitting
out too long.

SPEAKER_04 (24:05):
No, it's not worth the if I even question it, if
it's been sitting out too long,throw it in the garbage, throw
it away.

SPEAKER_02 (24:12):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (24:12):
Not not worth it.

SPEAKER_02 (24:13):
No.
Irma had a much better time.

SPEAKER_04 (24:16):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (24:16):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (24:16):
I don't it probably wasn't even sitting out long
enough for that to evenquestion.

SPEAKER_02 (24:20):
Oh, I mean it wasn't probably sitting out for longer
than a few seconds.

SPEAKER_04 (24:24):
Right.
No problems at all.
No.
Oh, that is dangerous, though.
Don't leave it out.
Don't eat it.

SPEAKER_02 (24:32):
No.

SPEAKER_04 (24:33):
Oh.
Well, I'm glad you tried to havefun.

SPEAKER_02 (24:36):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (24:37):
I have another seafood one.

SPEAKER_02 (24:38):
Ooh, excellent.

SPEAKER_04 (24:40):
Glad a seafood lovers out here.

SPEAKER_02 (24:42):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (24:42):
My goodness.
Okay.
Subject.
Oysters plus bedroom equalsdisaster.

SPEAKER_02 (24:49):
Oh no.

SPEAKER_04 (24:50):
I already don't like this.
No.
So that's all we need to read isthe subject end fun.
That's the story, folks.
Don't do it.
It's a trap.
Hey, kinky friends.
Love the show, love the chaos.
So I had to share this littleseafood disaster with you.
So my partner and I thought we'dspice things up one night with

(25:11):
oysters.
You know, since they're supposedto be an aphrodisiac.
It was a nice little at-homedate night, classy, sexy
champagne and seduction kind ofvibe.
Well, we decided to take it onestep further and bring the
oysters into the bedroom.
First, he put one in between mybreasts and slurped it up.
At first it was hot.

(25:31):
Then he laid one right betweenmy thighs.
Yes, you know where.
And slurped it straight out ofme.
As then he put it inside of meand slurped it out.
Alright, well, I'm out.
Like he was all at he was at anall-you-can-eat oyster bar.

SPEAKER_02 (25:52):
Judgment free zone, though.
Judgment free zone, but I judgeit.
I'm not doing that.

SPEAKER_04 (25:59):
Sloppy, salty, ridiculous.
But we were both into it.
Until, of course, we weren't.
One slipped, and not out of me,in.
Too far in.
Yep.
The oyster went missing.
Straight inside of me.
At first we were laughing,thinking we could just, you
know, fish it out, pun intended.

SPEAKER_02 (26:19):
Oh my.

SPEAKER_04 (26:19):
Oysters are slippery little fuckers.
We tried fingers, lube,different positions.
Nothing worked.
That thing was hiding in therelike it was setting up a condo.

unknown (26:32):
Oh my god.

SPEAKER_04 (26:34):
Wow.
Panic sets in.
Yeah, right?
We realize this is gettingseriously dangerous.
We throw our clothes on, andnext thing I know, we're at the
ER trying to explain to a nursewith a completely straight face
that's that there's an oysterstuck in my vagina.
She gave us the look.
You know the one.

(26:54):
Like, really?
This is what I have to deal withtonight.

SPEAKER_02 (26:57):
Mm-hmm.
Or the nurse earlier, youdumbass.

SPEAKER_04 (27:00):
Yeah.
I can't.
I would love to read like aself-written book by a nurse of
just like I'd pay big money forthat.
Thanks for me.
But have a but I don't know.
They eventually got it out, butnot before a lecture about
bacteria infections and how rawshellfish is probably not the
best sex toy.
And of course, I still ended upwith an infection a few days

(27:22):
later.
Nothing says romance likeantibiotics and a smell.
I hope to never smell again.

SPEAKER_02 (27:28):
Oh no.

SPEAKER_04 (27:29):
And then I hope it goes away.

SPEAKER_02 (27:31):
Shoot.

SPEAKER_04 (27:32):
So yeah.
Oysters may be an aphrodisiac,but trust me, keep them in the
kitchen in your mouth, not inthe bedroom or downstairs.
Clink and drink anonymous.

SPEAKER_02 (27:42):
Yeah, or downstairs, quote.
Right.

SPEAKER_04 (27:46):
Keep them out of vagina.

SPEAKER_02 (27:49):
Oysters plus vagina equals nope.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (27:53):
Another t-shirt.
TM, TM, TM, TM.
TM.

unknown (27:58):
Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_04 (28:00):
Special edition t-shirts from the episode Eve
was on perfect.
Abs Yeah.
You know what?
You heard it here first.
Yes, I love it.

SPEAKER_02 (28:08):
Wow.
Oh, goodness.
So speaking of traps.
Take it away.
The oysters being a trap.
This is about a honey trap.

SPEAKER_03 (28:16):
Oh boy.

SPEAKER_02 (28:17):
Yeah.
So this this story, I actuallyknow the people.
They said I could tell thestory, but I'm not going to say
who it is.
I love what this happens.
Oh, yes, yes.
So here we are.
So we tried honey.
Don't.
It dripped down too far, andsuddenly my boyfriend's pubes
were basically glued shut.

(28:39):
He's stuck to me.
I'm stuck to him.
And we're sitting there like twoidiots with a pot of regrets.
Had to get the scissors.
First of all, do some do somemanscaping and some trimming
down there, people.
Like, you know, this wouldn'thappen.

SPEAKER_04 (28:58):
If you're using something sticky, especially.

SPEAKER_02 (29:01):
What were you thinking?

SPEAKER_04 (29:02):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (29:03):
Anyways, I made fun of them for a long time.
Thank you.
Had to get the scissors.
Now he's got a bald patch downthere and it looks like a crop
failure.
Just that's the whole story.
Thought you'd appreciate it.
Thanks, Eve.

SPEAKER_04 (29:17):
Oh my god.

unknown (29:18):
Thank you.

SPEAKER_02 (29:19):
No, they're thanking.
I know.

SPEAKER_04 (29:20):
Thank you, Eve.
Oh my god.
I'm gonna be so curious now whothis is.
Well, I'm sure they'relistening.
Thank you for the story.

SPEAKER_02 (29:28):
Absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 (29:29):
I appreciate it so, so, so much.
And I hope lesson learned.

SPEAKER_02 (29:33):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (29:34):
Don't get stuck in the honey pot.

SPEAKER_02 (29:35):
Also, like that must have been some sticky honey.

SPEAKER_04 (29:39):
Yeah, that must have been like that high grade, like
like the$20 bottle where it'slike extra gooey and sticky.
It's like fresh from the farm.

SPEAKER_02 (29:48):
Yeah, fresh from the farm.
Nice.

SPEAKER_04 (29:51):
Straight from the hive.

SPEAKER_02 (29:53):
Straight from the hive.
Absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 (29:55):
Wow.
Thank you.
Whoever wrote that in, and weappreciate it.

SPEAKER_02 (29:59):
Yes.

SPEAKER_04 (30:00):
All right, let's move on here.
Subject, the pickle jarincident.

SPEAKER_02 (30:07):
Alright, alright.
Go on.

SPEAKER_04 (30:10):
Hey, kicks and cocktails crew.
Love the pod, so I figured I'dshare the story of the night.
I officially retired food playforever.
My partner and I were feelingadventurous.
And after a few drinks, weraided the fridge.
Most of the quote-unquote normaloptions were gone.
So what did we land on?
A jar of pickles.

(30:32):
Don't ask me how or why, but inthe moment it felt like it was
genius.
Things started out kind ofsilly.
He was feeding me pickles.
He was watching me suck on themseductively.
I was giggling.
It was fun.
Then he decided to take it up anotch and drizzle some pickle
juice on my downstairs area tolick it up.
Immediate problem.

(30:52):
Pickle juice burns when it getsinto freshly shaved skin.

unknown (30:56):
Oh god.

SPEAKER_04 (30:56):
So now I'm squealing and not in a sexy way.
But the real disaster?
He sets the jar on thenightstand.
We're fumbling around andsuddenly crash.
Glass everywhere.
Pickle juice all over the floor,the bed, and us.
The whole room smelled like aNew York deli.
We're scrambling, half naked,trying to pick shards of glass

(31:18):
out of the carpet while slippingon brine.

SPEAKER_02 (31:21):
Mmm, hot.
That sounds real sexy.

SPEAKER_04 (31:24):
The mood, dead.
We spent the next two weeksusing a professional carpet
cleaner every day trying to getthe smell out.
I swear it still lingers to thisday, though.
Lesson learned.
Some things belong in thefridge, not the bedroom.
Clink and drink from picklelover.

SPEAKER_02 (31:38):
Clink and drink.

SPEAKER_04 (31:40):
That is our saying around here sometimes.
Nice.

SPEAKER_02 (31:42):
Absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 (31:43):
So I totally thought that the story was going
somewhere else.
And I mean the pickle was goingsomewhere else.
That's where I thought it wasgoing.

SPEAKER_02 (31:53):
Also, my question was how does squealing sound
sexy in the middle of her story?
Not squealing in the sexy way.
I mean, I know of all the thingsto pick out of that story,
that's the piece I pulled, but Iwas just like stuck.
How do you squeal excited?
I mean, I squeal when I seepickles.
So you know what?
That's a fair point.
All right, thank you.
We've answered that question.
Well no, I love pickles.

(32:15):
Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_04 (32:17):
Honey.
You brought out the pickle charttonight?
Oh, baby.
Oh, baby.
Oh yeah.
All right, that's a differentpodcast.

SPEAKER_02 (32:31):
Pickles and pickles.

SPEAKER_04 (32:33):
Pickles and pickles.
You know what?
If anybody just has picklestories, oh that's a good one.
Please send them in.
Yes.
We will do an entirepickle-themed bonus episode.

SPEAKER_02 (32:46):
Absolutely.
I think that's a perfect idea.

SPEAKER_04 (32:47):
Yes.
You can send them in atkinksandcocktails.com.
You'll find the anonymous form.
Yeah, go ahead.
Send them in.
Please.
Alrighty, you take it away withthe next story.

SPEAKER_02 (32:58):
Okay.
So I also have one from theMinnesota State Fairs.
Yes.
Yeah.
This is about corndogs andregret.
Of course it is.
Hiya, Kinks and Cocktails.
So me and my guy had beendrinking those giant lemonades
and, you know, feeling a littlefrisky.
I like where this is going.

(33:19):
We sneak back to the motel witha corn dog because, of course,
that seemed like a good idea atthe time.
One thing leads to another, andlet's just say we tested out the
phrase Minnesota hot dish.
Alright.
Problem is, corn dogs are greasyas all get out.
And once things got slippery, itwas less sexy and more like

(33:41):
wrestling in the buttersculpture barn.
The stick broke mid-scene.
Mid-cene.
Oh, geez.
Crumbs everywhere, and I endedup with mustard in the place.
I've never made to mygynecologist.
We still go to the fair everyyear, but now I can't look at
the Pronto Pup stand withoutblushing.
Oh my god.

(34:01):
Lots of love and lube.
Lots of love and lube.
Cornstar.
From Saint Ball.
Oh my god.
Cornstar.

SPEAKER_04 (34:11):
Cornstar.
I love that.
I love that movie.

SPEAKER_02 (34:15):
I absolutely love that too.
That should also be a t-shirt.
Cornstar from Saint Paul.
With a corn dog.
Yeah, 100%.

SPEAKER_04 (34:24):
I love this.
Cornstar.
Okay.
I'm like gonna make notes when Ilisten back to this for all this
merch for this episode specialedition.

SPEAKER_02 (34:34):
We'll put my little my DJ logo in the bottom corner.
Yeah, okay, perfect.

SPEAKER_04 (34:38):
Go ahead and plug your DJ stuff, Evie.
Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (34:40):
Yeah, absolutely.
You know, so um, yeah, so I'vegot a few things going.
So um you are familiar with umum with Gateway, so that's an
underground thing.
So I won't say much here.
So reach out and touch base withme some other way.
Your uh social media.
Do you drop your social media?
Absolutely, yep, absolutely.
Um, so I also am gonna bestarting up a Sundays, uh uh

(35:03):
Sunday event at Roxy's Cabaret,which is in downtown
Minneapolis.
That's gonna be every Sunday,uh, starting October 5th, which
is great because there's uh alot of things that or it's not
gonna be a lot of things goingon on Sundays, apparently here
in the near future.
So it's great to provide a newspot.
Um and I've got various gigsthroughout.
Um I do feral dance, um, which Iknow a lot of people have heard

(35:25):
of, but I do other one-off showshere and there.
So um so feel free to check outcheck out my socials.
It's underscore DJ Eveunderscore on Instagram and then
uh DJ Eve on Facebook, andthat's pretty much all I use.
So the other ones kind of annoyme.

SPEAKER_04 (35:41):
Don't blame me there.
Yeah.
Well, perfect.
Thank you.
So if you're in the MinneapolisTwin Cities area, there you go.

SPEAKER_02 (35:47):
Yeah, absolutely.
Thanks.
All right, so should we jumpinto uh the next story here?

SPEAKER_04 (35:52):
Sure.
All right, I guess I'm up.

SPEAKER_02 (35:54):
Yeah, you're up.

SPEAKER_04 (35:55):
Subject the mango mayhem.
Hankanes and cocktails and allinflatable friends.
Oh, Alien, you got a shout-out.
Shout out to Alien.
All right, Alan the Alien.

SPEAKER_02 (36:08):
Alan the Alien.

SPEAKER_04 (36:09):
All right, so I had this genius idea one summer.
Tropical vibes, fruitycocktails.
Why not bring some of thosefruits into the bedroom?
Sweet, juicy, sticky, seemperfect, right?
Wrong.
We sliced out a couple of ripemangoes, and at first it was
kind of sexy.

(36:30):
But nobody warned me just howslimy mango gets once it's
smeared on side.

SPEAKER_02 (36:35):
That is no joke.
Um well, just outed myself, Iguess.
Oh, well then it's totally notwhat you think.

unknown (36:46):
Again.

SPEAKER_04 (36:48):
Oh boy.
Within minutes, we weren'tsliding against each other in a
sexy way.
We were basically two greased,sticky, fruity pigs wrestling in
pet.
Then came the sting.
Oh no.
Okay.
Um Q itchy wealth spreading inplaces I do not want to describe

(37:09):
in detail.
But the next morning, uh, Iexplained to urgent care nurses
why my thighs looked like I'drolled in nettles.
Okay, so I had to pause realquick.
I had to look this up because Iwasn't sure why the mango skin
makes you sting.

SPEAKER_03 (37:26):
Oh.

SPEAKER_04 (37:26):
I didn't know this was a thing.
So apparently the skin of amango fruit on human skin can
make you itch and welt up likecrazy.
And I never knew that.

SPEAKER_02 (37:36):
Oh no.

SPEAKER_04 (37:38):
I think I have some mangoes in the fridge.
You want to try, Eve?
Yeah.
For science?

SPEAKER_02 (37:42):
I can do it for science, actually.
Yes.

SPEAKER_04 (37:46):
I'm kidding.
Oh god.
Oh, okay.
We're not we're not going to theyard at it.
Oops.

SPEAKER_02 (37:49):
All right, moving on.
No, I do.
You're like try that.
Absolutely not.
I don't know what you're talkingabout.

SPEAKER_04 (37:55):
No, I didn't know that was a thing.
I don't know that can happenwith mangoes.
Anyway, so neither.
That's news to me.
Now we know muted.
The more you know.
Cue the rainbow star.
To make it worse, the bedroomsmelled like a tiki bar dumpster
for a week.
Sheets ruined, mattressprotector ruined, and our sex

(38:17):
life briefly ruined until ourskin healed completely.

SPEAKER_02 (38:20):
Oh goodness.
I like how they added briefly.

unknown (38:24):
Right.

SPEAKER_04 (38:25):
I have an amazing partner, but a not so amazing
love for mangoes anymore.
Thanks for everything.
Be careful of fruits.
I'm anonymous.

SPEAKER_02 (38:35):
Be careful of fruits.

SPEAKER_04 (38:36):
All right.
Well, yeah.
That's a good one.
I guess.
Always a good takeaway.
Be careful of fruits.
Yes.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (38:45):
That could be another shirt.
Be careful of fruits.

SPEAKER_04 (38:47):
Yes.
Be careful with fruits.
Yeah.
That is some dangerous stuff.
It is.
Absolutely.
And they're telling you.
Did we ask?

SPEAKER_02 (38:59):
Actually, that's a very good point, Kate.
Did we ask about the fruits'feelings?

SPEAKER_04 (39:05):
The fruit did not give consent to participate.
That's why they're the third inthe bedroom.
Yes.
That mango does not want to bedown there.
They don't want to be the thirdin the bedroom for your partner
trying to spice things up.
I know.
Literally.

SPEAKER_02 (39:25):
That mango has feelings.
Yes.
Leave the mango alone.
Nice.
All right.
So this speaking of mangoes,this is about chocolate.
My next one is about chocolate,too.
Oh perfect segue.
Go ahead.

(39:45):
Excellent.
Dearest Kinks and Cocktails, wesaw decadence.
We rented a chocolate fountain.
We dreamed of satin skin andmolten sweetness.
Whoa.
I know.
That's intense.
I feel like I'm looking, I feellike there's a chocolate
fountain in like a mixture rightnow.

SPEAKER_04 (40:01):
I was gonna say, wait, wait, wait.
They wanted a chocolate fountainfor the bedroom.
Okay, because my first thingcomes to mind is like one of
those small chocolate fountains,like a foot tall.
Yeah.
What are you doing with that?
Like dipping your dick in it?
I don't know.
But then you went on, and nowI'm picturing a giant, like

(40:22):
mansion size one.

SPEAKER_02 (40:23):
Yeah, in a mansion, and like you could still you
could still dip your dick in it,but it's much bigger now.
Now there's like eight goddessesswimming.
Right in it.
It's like I'm imagining like,you know, like marble staircase
in the background and stuff.

SPEAKER_04 (40:35):
So there's the bedroom table side side one
where you just put your dick in.
Yes.
And then there's the mansionsize one where there's eight
goddesses swimming in it.
It'll fit your dick and yourballs.
There you go.
So and a bunch of sexy mermaids.

SPEAKER_02 (40:47):
Yeah, or whatever you want to put in there.
Dip your whole backside,whatever boobs, the whole the
whole shit.
It all fits.
It all fits, yes.
Oh my, we weren't really downthere.
All right, moving on.
Okay, moving on.
Anyways.
So and so that's what theyimagined.
So instead the fountainsputtered like a dying beast and
sprayed my beloved directly inthe chest and scorched with with

(41:10):
scorching cocoa.
Oh no man.
Well yeah, she shrieked while Iscrambled for a wet rag covered
in sticky footprints and shame.
Okay.
This is looking less mansion-y.

SPEAKER_04 (41:26):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (41:26):
The kitchen looked less like romance and more like
a crime scene in Willy Wonka'sfactory.
Oh my god.
Forever cursed by Coco.
Sebastian.

SPEAKER_01 (41:39):
No.

SPEAKER_02 (41:40):
Okay, first of all, the most cliche thing is that
his name is Sebastian.
Isn't there like a chocolatebrand called Sebastian?
Or am I making it?

SPEAKER_04 (41:51):
I don't I have no, I don't think so.

SPEAKER_02 (41:52):
Oh, wait.
I'm thinking of classical music,Sebastian Bach.
Just kidding.
That's completely different.

SPEAKER_04 (41:57):
Does Sebastian Bach prefer a giant mansion chocolate
fountain in the bedroom?
I don't know what's going on.

SPEAKER_02 (42:02):
Somehow, like the giant mansion chocolate
fountain, some classical musicwas all in this story for the
bigger.

SPEAKER_04 (42:08):
I mean, they were probably playing his music in
the background.

SPEAKER_02 (42:12):
It all ties together.

SPEAKER_04 (42:13):
It all It all blends together.
I love it.
I'm just thinking he's like, whyam I thinking just some creepy
dude who's like a murderer who'slike invite- Come over to my
mansion?
And there's like a gianthuman-sized chocolate fountain.
And he's ripped.

SPEAKER_02 (42:29):
He's ripped wearing a mask.

SPEAKER_04 (42:30):
Oh no.
And there's classical musicplaying.
Yeah, and he packs into acorner.
And there's like jars ofpickles, and then there's and
there's fruit everywhere.
Fruit everywhere.

SPEAKER_02 (42:41):
Everywhere.

SPEAKER_04 (42:41):
And then there's a human sushi.

SPEAKER_02 (42:46):
What have we done?

SPEAKER_04 (42:47):
Oh no.

SPEAKER_02 (42:48):
Okay.

SPEAKER_04 (42:49):
How much are tickets?
Perfect.

SPEAKER_02 (42:51):
I'm sold.
Take my money.

SPEAKER_04 (42:53):
Right?
Where do I where do I go?

SPEAKER_02 (42:56):
That actually is a really good idea now that I'm
thinking about it.
That would be a crazy party.
Okay.
I'll DJ.

SPEAKER_04 (43:02):
Yes.
Perfect.
This is perfect.
Okay.
All right.
Irma, you need to be at thehuman sushi again.
Okay.

SPEAKER_02 (43:12):
Absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 (43:14):
Next event.
Look out, Twin Cities.
All right.
Yeah, here it comes.
All right, here we go.
Subject, the hot chocolatewhore.
Horror or horror.
Okay, just clarifying.
Not the hot chocolate whore.
Oh, okay.
I mean, I'd be a hot chocolatewhore, but yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 (43:36):
Delicious.

SPEAKER_04 (43:37):
Either way.
Hey, kings and cocktails.
So last Christmas, my partnerand I decided to get a little
festive in the bedroom.
We had the lights twinkling.
Mariah Carey blasting.
Don't judge me.
We just had a Christmas stationon and couldn't get up to change
it.

SPEAKER_02 (43:54):
Oh.

SPEAKER_04 (43:54):
Couldn't get up to change it.
Okay, wait, wait.

SPEAKER_02 (43:56):
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is there a little doubleentendre there?
Mm-hmm.
Ooh.

SPEAKER_04 (44:01):
So sorry to pause here, but it reminds me of one
of my own personal stories, realquick.
Side note here.
Same thing happened to me once.

SPEAKER_02 (44:09):
We digress.
I love it.

SPEAKER_04 (44:10):
Back in high school, I was uh getting busy with a
boyfriend.
And uh the music, the radio wason.
It was a long time ago.
I'm not gonna age myself, but itwas a long time ago.
So it's just the radio.
So there was like no likeremotes.
There was no, you know.
And so we were getting busy, andguess what song came on the

(44:33):
radio that we we couldn't get upto change because we were too
busy.
Macy Gray.
Try to say goodbye and I choke.
Try to walk away and I stumble.
Uh try to hide it's clear.
My will crumbles and you are notnear.

(44:53):
And it was the most awkward.
We're like, do we stop?
Do we let's just smile at eachother and close our eyes.
Do we laugh and then that'sgonna totally ruin the mood?
Or do we get up and that's gonnaruin the mood too?

SPEAKER_02 (45:08):
Or do we just get through it for the next singing?
That's what I would have done.
Shit just keep going, sing itthrough.
Let's go.
It's Macy Gray.

SPEAKER_04 (45:20):
Can't get up because that, you know, we're both
getting there.
Yeah.
It's like, what do we do?
So Macy Gray.
So now I I can never listen tothe song the same.
Every time it comes on, I'mlike, oh God.

SPEAKER_02 (45:31):
Yeah, now every time it's like it comes on, I'm gonna
think about you in that story.
Thanks, Kaylee.

SPEAKER_04 (45:36):
You're welcome.
Try to say goodbye.
Okay, nobody needs to hear mesing anymore.
All right.
Let's get back to the story.
So last Christmas, my partnerand I decided to get a little
festive in the bedroom with thelights twinkling, Mariah Carrie
Blasting.
So, spiked hot chocolate on theend table next to us.

(45:58):
Somewhere between All I Want forChristmas and our second mug of
hot chocolate, I got thebrilliant idea.
Let's pour some hot chocolate oneach other.
In my head, it was going to becounterintuitive.

SPEAKER_02 (46:11):
I know.

SPEAKER_04 (46:12):
In my head, it was going to be cozy, messy, sexy,
like a holiday rom-com, butnaked.
Oh, honey.
But I didn't think about was thetemperature.
It had been sitting on the tablefor about 30 minutes, so I
assumed it was cooled down.
Oh my god, never assume.
Because guess what that does?

SPEAKER_03 (46:32):
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_04 (46:34):
That cocoa was still piping hot.
The first splash hit my chest,and I went from ho ho ho to oh
no, no, no, real quick.
Burn city.
My skin was burnt red, sticky,and the bed was a lost cause.
Hot cocoa everywhere.
And our dog came running in tolick it up in the messy bed and
get very every last marshmallowshe could off the sheet.

SPEAKER_02 (46:57):
Oh, goodness gracious.
This sounds like something on aChristmas vacation.
Oh, I was gonna say the samething.

SPEAKER_04 (47:04):
At one point, a mini marshmallow or two or three
stuck itself like glued to mythigh.
And the smell That's the best.
And the smell, imagine sex in aSwiss mist factory.
The true low point.
Actually, that sounds kind ofnice.
It does sound nice.
Yeah.
It's very nice, actually.

(47:25):
I'd bite.
The true low point.
His mom dropped by the next dayto bring us Christmas cookies.
We weren't expecting her.
And we were in the guest bedroomwhere it all happened, trying to
get the rest of the stains outof the carpet.
She sat on the bed to chat for aminute and literally said, Wow,
smells like hot chocolate inhere.

(47:46):
We just nodded and prayed shewouldn't notice the chocolate
stains on the comforter.
Thanks to the cookies, mom.
Needless to say, holiday foodplay is off the menu this year.
We'll stick to spiking thedrinks and leaving the cocoa in
the mugs.
Santa's sticky helper.

SPEAKER_02 (48:03):
Santa's sticky helper.
Oh boy.
Adorable.

SPEAKER_04 (48:06):
I mean, I think that would smell good.

SPEAKER_02 (48:08):
Yeah.
I know.
If anything.
Sex in a Swissmas factory?
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Maybe not in the factory, butlike, you know, when the office
is in the building.

SPEAKER_04 (48:17):
No, in the factory.
In the in the in the Willy Wonkafountains.
Oh, yeah.
Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 (48:23):
That's different.
That's way better.

SPEAKER_04 (48:27):
We need the golden ticket to the Willy Wonka
chocolate factory right now.

SPEAKER_02 (48:30):
Oh, absolutely.
I've got a golden ticket.

SPEAKER_04 (48:35):
There's so many opportunities in that factory.
Oh boy.

SPEAKER_02 (48:38):
I know.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (48:40):
I want an after hours golden ticket.

SPEAKER_02 (48:42):
The candies that made them float up in the air.
Yes.
You know, like weightless,weightless banging this.

SPEAKER_04 (48:47):
Oh my goodness.

SPEAKER_02 (48:48):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (48:48):
Willy Wonka, where are you?
You need an after hours.
Your turn.

SPEAKER_02 (48:58):
All right.
So I think actually, let's see.
We did I did six stories.

SPEAKER_04 (49:04):
Are you all done?

SPEAKER_02 (49:05):
Yeah.
All right.

SPEAKER_04 (49:05):
I have one last one.

SPEAKER_02 (49:06):
Oh, you got one last one?
Perfect.
Yeah.
I was like, oh shoot.
I had one, I thought I had onemore.

SPEAKER_04 (49:10):
No worries.

SPEAKER_02 (49:11):
Go nuts.

SPEAKER_04 (49:12):
Alright.
So I did in the search bar inour emails for the the search
word birthday, just for you,Eve.

unknown (49:21):
Oh.

SPEAKER_04 (49:21):
To see if we had any birthday themed ones.
Surprise, surprise, you toshare.
And I did find a couple.
I picked out one specificallythat was pretty funny.

SPEAKER_02 (49:30):
Okay, great.

SPEAKER_04 (49:31):
All right, you ready?

SPEAKER_02 (49:32):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (49:33):
Alright.
Hi everyone in the KC crew.
So it was my birthday, and mypartner had this big sexy plan.
Body shots.
They even bought fancy tequila,salt, limes to make it feel like
a celebration.
All of it was super expensive.
I thought this is gonna be hotas hell.
The setup, classic.
Salt on my skin, a wedge of limebetween my lips, tequila poured

(49:56):
where it counts.
They leaned in, poured the shotdown my stomach, and started to
follow it with their mouth.
Cute, right?
Except I had shaved earlier thatday.
And when that tequila hit thatlittle cuts that I didn't even
realize were there, you knowwhere.

SPEAKER_02 (50:14):
Burning sensation.

SPEAKER_04 (50:15):
It was like setting my skin on fire.
I screamed.
Reflex kicked in, and so did myfoot.
I kicked out so hard I nailed mypoor partner square in the nose.
Oh.
Immediate crunch noise.
Their head snapped back, theydropped the shot glass, R.I.P.
tequila and shot glass, andsuddenly there's blood gushing

(50:38):
everywhere.
Oh no.
At first we thought it was justa little nosebleed, but then I
noticed their nose lookedcrooked.
Like Picasso painting crooked.

SPEAKER_02 (50:48):
Oh no.

SPEAKER_04 (50:49):
Meanwhile, the bed was soaked between spilled
tequila, salt stuck to me, andthere's blood everywhere.
They made a crime scene.
Yeah.
It looked like there was theworld's weirdest crime scene at
the next sentence.

unknown (51:00):
Nailed it.

SPEAKER_04 (51:02):
So we're both naked, panicking, trying to figure out
what to do.
They're holding a towel to theirface.
I'm running around the ribsticky with booze and salt, and
somehow we ended up slipping ona lime ledge and falling on the
floor.
Both of us hit the ground likedrunk penguins.

SPEAKER_02 (51:19):
Oh my.

SPEAKER_04 (51:20):
So what do we do?
We throw on the first clothes wecould mine.
I'm an oversized hoodie.
They're holding their face withone hand and wearing no pants.
And we drive to the ER, bothjust in oversized t-shirts and
hoodies.
The nurse asks, What happened?
And we're both trying so hardnot to say, birthday body shots
gone wrong.

(51:40):
We ended up telling her it wasan accident with a glass.
It was an accident with a glass.
Not technically a lie, right?

SPEAKER_02 (51:47):
I mean, they should have just said the first line as
well.
Right.
Come on.

SPEAKER_04 (51:51):
I mean, what they've heard it all.
Just tell them what happened.
Turns out they had a fracturednose on my birthday.
We spent the night in theemergency room with me smelling
like a walking margarita andthem stuffed with gauze up their
nose.
So yeah, instead of a hotbirthday sex night, I gave my
partner a broken nose.

(52:11):
We laugh about it now, but atthe time it was horrifying that
the most memorable gift I gavethem was facial reconstruction.
Thanks for the laughs you giveus.
We listened on our long oh, welistened to our long camping
trips with Love Anonymous.
Wow.

SPEAKER_02 (52:30):
Wow.

SPEAKER_04 (52:31):
Well, I hope that didn't happen.
That did not happen on yourbirthday.

SPEAKER_02 (52:35):
No, absolutely not.
No.
I have funny stories about mybirthday and absolute what did
happen, but it's not foodrelated.

SPEAKER_04 (52:47):
Up to you.
Well leave the stage open if youwant.

SPEAKER_02 (52:51):
Perfect.
Well.
Nah, you know, well, whatever.
We've already gone too far.
It's fine.
Okay.
So, anyways, as I mentioned, Ihad a few glasses of wine with
the No.
Yes, I know it was my birthday.
Um, 45.
Yeah.
Congratulations.
Looking good for 45, you know.
Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.

(53:11):
Oh yeah.
So uh so, anyways, get home anduh proceed to try and go to
sleep in the bed the wrong waywith my head at the foot of the
table.
I mean foot of the bed, nottable.
And also wanted Mike there, andhe just was like, I can't get
under the covers.
No idea, no idea.

(53:32):
So anyways, I remember all ofthe evening except for going to
bed.
And so the next morning, I'mlike, Babe, babe, did we have
sex last night?

SPEAKER_04 (53:41):
Yeah.
Next morning question.

SPEAKER_02 (53:44):
It's like no.
You looked at me and said, I'mtoo drunk for sex.
We'll have it in the morning.
It's fine.
So, anyways, we did it in themiddle of the night because we
both woke up to go pee at thesame time.
So there you go.
It's a pretty vanilla story, butthat's better than my story.

SPEAKER_04 (54:06):
Yeah.
That's okay.
I wish I would have just hadthat story.
Where do mine?
So a few weeks ago, I did haveanother seizure.

SPEAKER_02 (54:17):
Oh no.
Yeah.
Ended up in the hospital again.
So sorry, you're dealing withthat.

SPEAKER_04 (54:20):
Yeah.
It's okay.
Doctors think they have my medsfigured out now and everything
figured out.
So everything's good.
Everything's getting better.
Hey, okay.
No worries.
Hopefully from here on out.

SPEAKER_02 (54:30):
Um that's good to hear.

SPEAKER_04 (54:31):
But the second time that happened, Danny and I were
uh getting busy.

SPEAKER_02 (54:37):
Oh no.

SPEAKER_04 (54:38):
And that's when the seizure happened.

unknown (54:39):
Oh shit.

SPEAKER_04 (54:41):
Everything's fine.
Everything's fine.

SPEAKER_02 (54:43):
So so Danny is so good in bed.
He gives you seizures.

SPEAKER_04 (54:47):
I was like, I was like, Danny, you know what?
Now we can now we can say that,like, you know what?

SPEAKER_02 (54:53):
Props you.

unknown (54:55):
Danny.

SPEAKER_02 (54:57):
It's his fault.

SPEAKER_04 (54:58):
Right?

SPEAKER_02 (54:59):
What a badass.
There's always a silver liningto everything.
I know.
That's a good one to have.

SPEAKER_04 (55:06):
Now that now the doctors have me figured out and
everything's okay.
Now we can say, my husband givesme seizures.

unknown (55:12):
Yes.

SPEAKER_02 (55:12):
Now you can.
Yes, you can.
You should get that on at-shirt.
My husband gives me seizures.
In bed.
Because he's so good in bed.

SPEAKER_04 (55:22):
TM, TM, TM.
Sorry, Danny, I know if you wantme to share that or not.
But now that I know everythingsay okay medically, I think I
can.

SPEAKER_02 (55:30):
Yeah, I think that's a great story.
That is a great story.
Danny should wear that like abadge of badge of bag.
Yeah.
Yeah, absolutely.
That's awesome.
I don't even know where to gowith that.

SPEAKER_04 (55:46):
Well, that being said, thank you, Eve, so much.

SPEAKER_02 (55:50):
Absolutely.
This has been so much fun.
This is great.

SPEAKER_04 (55:52):
I loved it.
This is a blast.

SPEAKER_02 (55:54):
Hopefully, we can do pickle bonus episodes.

SPEAKER_04 (55:57):
Yes.
So anybody that wants to sendanything in pickle themed or any
other just fun theme you canthink of, we'll take anything.
We'll I go through my subjectsearch bar in the emails from
kinksandcocktails.com if youfill in the anonymous form.
And if you want to renameanonymous, we will.
If not, leave her a name.

(56:17):
Um, and so if we come up with atheme for the next episode and
you put that in the subject bar,Amoeba will read it.
Yeah.
So yeah, join us on Patreon atkinkscocktails.com.
Um we're on all social media,same handle.
Please rate us five stars.
It helps us out so so so somuch.

SPEAKER_02 (56:38):
And Katie is five stars.
She deserves it.

SPEAKER_04 (56:40):
Oh, so are you, Eve?
Thank you.
Yay.
We're gonna take a shot afterthis because we deserve it.

SPEAKER_02 (56:47):
Yes, and we're also drinking vodka and water.

SPEAKER_04 (56:49):
Absolutely.
Our go-to drink.

SPEAKER_02 (56:52):
Yes.

SPEAKER_04 (56:52):
So glad somebody else has the same drink taste as
I do.
Literally.
Well, clink and drink to that.
Yes, clink and drink.
Absolutely.
All right.
Well, I think that's it.
Thank you, Eve.
Bye, everyone.

unknown (57:03):
Bye.