November 11, 2022 • 19 mins
Do you find yourself beating yourself up when you don't reach a goal...even if you have very good reasons for not attaining it? Are you saddled with "shoulds" and little perfectionist gremlin voices that make you feel like a failure whenever a goal isn't met?
In this episode, host Carmelita Tiu talks about how to cut through the negative self-talk and guilt by asking a key question -- "Am I living in alignment with my values?"
She also covers 4 alternatives to traditional "goals" -- perfect for times in your life when you need flexibility and a SMART goal feels too rigid:
- setting intentions
- "holding space"
- anti-goals
- no goals at all
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host:
Welcome to know them. (00:00):
undefined
Be them, raise them a show to helpmoms stay informed and inspired so
they can show up for themselves andtheir daughters the way they want to.
I'm your host Carmelita to join me eachweek as I cover a variety of topics,
all designed to support mindful.
And growth-oriented moms ofgirls, especially girls in their
crucial tween and teen years.
(00:22):
And welcome to the firstepisode of season two.
As many of, you know, I took some timeoff to reassess and somehow my few
weeks became a three ish month hiatus.
And while that length wasunintentional, it was also much needed.
And felt like the rightthing in retrospect.
And that's actually the topic I choseto kick off the season with the idea
(00:45):
of goals, the guilt that can come whenyou don't achieve them, and how to
redefine them when there are lots ofvariables in your life that affect
your ability to accomplish these goals.
In these instances, sticking to a brightline goal can become problematic and maybe
feeds into toxic productivity culture.
Especially if the onlyway to achieve that goal.
(01:06):
Is at the expense of otherthings you value more like your
family connections, your physicalhealth or your mental health.
But before I dive deeper into that.
I wanted to share a few exciting updates.
First, no them be them.
Raise them ranked in the top 5% ofpodcasts, according to listen notes,
which is a podcast data aggregator.
(01:27):
Of course, the statistic is nice.
But what's really meaningful isknowing that these chats, these
conversations and, uh, my time that Iget to spend with these amazing guests.
Is being heard.
I love the idea ofparenting with intention.
And evolving into better versions ofourselves and showing up as the type
(01:48):
of person you are proud of, as wellas the kind of person you would feel
comfortable, your kids becoming someday.
I sometimes like to think ofit as being this person that my
grandkids or great-grandkids wouldbe proud to call their ancestor.
Also I launched a new podcastCheck it out@nobyraisedthem.com.
(02:10):
I finally have transcripts available,you can also easily shoot me an email.
If you have topic requests or feedback.
And there's even a search function.
If you want to find keywords aboutspecific topics, for instance, you
can type in confidence and it'll pullup any episode with that word in it.
So you can dive into the areas that you'remost interested in with relative ease.
(02:32):
You can even leave me a voicemailmessage by clicking on a microphone
icon in the corner of the screen.
And yeah, it's kind ofcool it, test it out.
I would love to hear what you think.
And speaking of feedback, I gota couple of direct messages from
listeners that talked about theshow and how it impacted them.
One said yesterday was all about helpingmy daughter navigate her first heartbreak.
(02:55):
I felt like I had a lot of toolsfrom listening to all your podcasts.
Another said.
I love your show.
It makes me feel sane knowing that someoneelse is thinking about topics like this.
Thanks to all of you who DMD or leftreviews, they really do mean a lot.
And one last development I want to share.
During the break.
(03:16):
I ticked off a goal that's been inmy heart for, well over a decade,
maybe even, maybe even two decades.
I became a certified coach through Lumiaand ICF accredited coaching program.
And I've been enjoying what I'mlearning so much that I'm continuing
on to pursue my ICF ACC accreditationthrough their signature program.
And who knows what's next afterthat, I've just been floored by the
(03:39):
knowledge I've gained and the skillsthat I've And I'm ideating ways to
build out communities and containersto support the people and values.
I believe in.
Which I think will include a mastermindfor moms or some sort of moms group,
which I think I've referenced before.
More on this tecum, it'sstill a work in progress.
But please do feel free to reach outto me to connect if you're interested.
(04:01):
Leave me an email or sign up formy newsletter or my email list.
I'd be happy to share my thoughtsand answer any questions about
coaching, future programming.
Et cetera.
So for this episode . I feltcompelled to touch on goal setting.
As I really struggled withthis over the past few months.
(04:23):
As I mentioned earlier, I seta goal for myself a few months
ago to launch season two.
After a month long break.
And then that month turned intotwo months and then three months.
And a part of me as the time stretched oncould not help, but see this as a failure.
After all I had set this goal and it was asmart goal, which for those of you who've
(04:45):
been in the corporate world, you know thatit's an acronym for specific measurable,
achievable, relevant, and time-bound.
And I didn't accomplish it.
But only looking at those two datapoints, basically the goal I set
and not accomplishing it as I hadinitially set out to do, leaves
out a huge part of the big picture.
(05:06):
It made me think of.
When you Google maps, something inadvance and it gives you a time estimate.
And that's what you carry with youto inform when you're going to leave
for an event or to pick up your kids.
But then when you actually hit theroad, You can't find your keys.
You spill your coffee when yougo to grab your travel mug.
And then of course there's anaccident creating a traffic
(05:27):
jam and all sorts of delays.
That's kind of what I feel likethe last several months have been.
In my case, I found out thatmy husband's cancer came back.
Thankfully it's being managedand we are blessed to have
access to the care that he needs.
But it's still through bothof us for an emotional loop.
As we processed his return to treatments.
And wrapped our heads around what thismeans and how, if in any way, this was
(05:51):
going to change how we approach things.
And then my kids signed up for several newactivities, which of course have different
locations and staggered start times.
Which has any parent knows, can bemaddening is so much to keep track of.
My kids also struggled with various upsand downs, some more serious than others,
(06:13):
but all of which take up energy and space.
of course, this is allagainst the backdrop of life.
Work, trying to stay physicallyactive, stay on top of finances,
have some semblance of a sociallife, stay connected with friends and
family, volunteering, spirituality,et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
(06:35):
So, despite all that was going on.
I initially found myself.
Beating myself up for notmeeting my podcast goal.
I'm guessing lots of highachieving women out there.
Might have this knee jerk reaction tothis little voice that kind of wonders.
Why can't I hustle harder?
(06:55):
Why can't I seem to find the time.
What did I do wrong?
That made it.
So I didn't, or I can'taccomplish what I set out to do.
And I just, I just got stuck.
It took a little while to take thetime to understand what was going on.
And frankly, I had some greatcoaching sessions that helped me
get to a place of understanding.
(07:18):
I took a step back to just notice.
And a few themes, stood out.
First.
I was giving myself the space Ineeded to mentally and emotionally
process, a lot of stuff.
And I didn't use to do that.
I would push my feelings aside anddistract myself with busy-ness.
But eventually I discovered thatdidn't serve me well in the long run.
(07:40):
And over the past several years.
I've become better at giving myselfspace to sit with those feelings
and let myself work through them.
Instead of pretending they don't exist.
I also was available and beingpresent with my husband and daughters
through emotionally Rocky times.
If they ask me to talk.
I want to be all ears.
(08:02):
My friend, Kara introduced me to this ideaof sessions where your kid can ask for a
good chunk of time just to sit with you.
And you say yes, and you listen.
I offered this idea to my daughters,maybe two or three years And it wasn't
until a couple of months ago that theyreally started to take me up on it.
It seemed like there was a period whereevery other night I was lying next to one
(08:24):
of them in bed, staring at the ceilingjust before bedtime and listening to what
was on their minds or in their hearts.
And giving my most non-judgemental andaffirming responses when they wanted it.
And I didn't care if it kept mefrom getting less sleep or eight
and tune the time that I hadallocated for working on other goals.
(08:45):
It really felt like thisis what it means to be
This is such a gift to have themspeaking to me openly, and I
wouldn't give that up for anything.
Not only that.
But I value my health and I strive tohave a sense of wellness in my life.
And I was continuing to give myselfthat over the past few months.
I was getting a decent amount ofexercise, getting enough rest.
(09:08):
Most of the time.
Because for whatever reason, if I getless than six hours of sleep at night, I
don't know if it's my age or hormones orwhat, but my mood and attitude take a hit.
I can be so impatient, grumpy.
I don't want to show uplike that for anyone.
In looking at these themes.
I realized I was livingin line with my values.
(09:31):
In deciding how to spend my time.
There wasn't anything wrong with me.
And instead of asking myself, what canI do differently or So I can accomplish
this goal, despite the circumstances.
It was really more aquestion of what's realistic.
How can I adjust thisgoal and redefine success?
(09:52):
Given the circumstances.
And my need to respect my values.
And acknowledge my priorities.
What's funny is I'm pretty good atcalling up my daughters when they have
unrealistic expectations or standards.
I just wasn't as good atlooking at my life in the same
So, if you find yourself struggling toaccomplish a goal and you feel guilty
(10:13):
or down on yourself, If you have thislittle gremlin voice telling you, you
should be productive and making yousecond, guess yourself, wondering if
you're procrastinating or worse, you're animposter because you didn't hit that goal.
Like you said, you would wrong.
Ask yourself instead.
Am I living in alignment with my values.
And sure.
Maybe sometimes we can powerthrough to get to a goal, do
(10:35):
whatever it takes to succeed.
But we should always check thoseefforts against our values If
the answer is yes, you are livingin alignment with your values.
Then give yourself permissionto flex those goals.
Not as a concession.
But as a conscious choiceand kind of a celebration.
That you are honoringyourself and your needs.
(10:56):
Once I gave myself permissionto let go of my original goals.
I began to wonder howI could reframe things.
What's an approach towards Colesthat has fewer forced at deadlines.
Or less artificial urgencyand way less guilt.
So as I'm known to do, andprobably a lot of you do too.
I dove into a content wormhole.
(11:18):
On the internet, of course.
Just to see what I could find, andI thought I'd share with you four
things, four approaches that seemedto provide flexibility and grace,
which for many busy moms of busy kids.
I know is paramount.
So number one is to swapout goals for intention.
(11:38):
And intention is to almost think ofit as a wish or a desire to bring in
the feelings you want to feel without.
This win, lose framework.
We've been conditioned to use theword goal when we want to make
a change or accomplish somethingand to choose a tangible result.
But sometimes maybe we don't reallycare about the actual outcome.
(12:01):
What we really want tochange is how we feel.
So a goal.
Is typically defined asthis predetermined result.
But an intention is more a desire tocreate a sustained feeling over time.
So for instance, a goal couldbe, I want to lose 10 pounds
in the next three months.
But the intention could I want tofeel healthy, energized, and strong.
(12:26):
We can see how intentions can help usfocus on creating kind of lasting change
where goals might only focus on hustlingafter a temporary and fixed outcome.
I personally like thisfeelings focused perspective.
It's true.
Sometimes it's not a thing or a,an accomplishment, but really that,
that state of being that I'm after.
(12:46):
And using intentions versusgoals allows for this.
Number two.
Say you'll hold space for something,instead of calling it a goal.
Holding space is typically used inthe context of therapy or coaching.
It's when you put your own judgmentsAnd you don't have an agenda.
So it creates space for openness andpossibility without any expectations.
(13:10):
It can be like that with goals too.
We can set the idea of a specificgoal aside and instead be
open to progress of any kind.
Towards a state of being, orthe kind of person you want to
be and see what might show up.
So for instance, you could holdspace for working out this week.
(13:31):
And it makes it so that if youwork out three times, that's great.
But even once we'll be good.
As opposed to my goal is towork out three times this week.
And if you work out once you feellike you missed the mark, I really
liked this framework that allowsyou to celebrate any progress.
Not just hitting the bull'seye, but also getting close.
(13:53):
Number three.
Is to consider anti goals,What don't you want to do?
My planner actually has this baked in.
There's a place in the cornerwhere I can list five things each
week that I don't want to do.
And it prompts me to think aboutwhat actions do I want to avoid,
like comparing myself to othersor picking fights with my partner.
(14:14):
Or impulse buys.
And what states do I want to avoid?
So maybe that's impatienceprocrastination or perfectionism.
While auntie goals might seemkind of counterintuitive.
They basically give us abenchmark of failure to avoid.
It allows us to be really flexiblewith growth and progress while
still remaining true to thevision of ourselves that we want.
(14:38):
It reminds me of aninterview with Greg McKeown.
The author of essential ism.
In an interview about goal setting.
He encourages people to ask, amI making it harder than it needs
Because sometimes it can be aboutnot doing the thing you don't want
to do instead of doing the thingthat you think you want to do.
So using this example of exercise,instead of my goal is to go
(15:02):
to the gym three times a week.
It could I don't want to feel unhealthy.
Or inactive or sedentary.
I don't want to go a fullweek without breaking a sweat.
And number four is to doaway with goals entirely.
The author, Leo Babauta.
He wrote the book Zen habits.
Says that sometimes thebest goal is no goal at all.
(15:25):
I was super skeptical, but Idid read further to understand.
How this approach would actually work.
So when you don't set a goal forthe week or a month or a year,
you're not obsessing over trackingor thinking about next steps.
Instead.
The ideas to really tune into your passionand your intuition and what feels right.
So it allows you to build on yourgut instincts and let that lead
(15:49):
you towards truly fulfilling goals.
And just because you don't havegoals, doesn't mean you do nothing.
The idea is that what you choose todo is guided not by what you write
down with a little checkbox nextto it, but by what your heart or
your gut is telling you to do next.
This obviously wouldn'twork in all contexts.
Like if you're saving for your kid'scollege or you have a goal to pay
(16:11):
off your mortgage, but for somethings in life, it could make sense.
So using the example of exercise.
I suppose this means trying differentmovements and exercises and noticing how
that makes you feel and just keep doingthe things that feel most rewarding.
The doing of something without quantifyinganything would be gratifying enough.
(16:31):
These four approaches feel likemuch more compassionate frameworks.
Towards quote unquote, goal setting.
Then some more rigid structuresthat we might be used to.
So to recap, When you findyourself frustrated with a lack
of progress towards a personalgoal that you've set for yourself.
Ask am I living inalignment with my values?
(16:53):
And then what's the costof accomplishing this goal.
And if you are living in alignmentwith your values and you don't.
Want to compromise those values.
Ask, how can you redefine success?
How can you tweak this goal?
Given your circumstances?
And do so in a way that respectsyour values and priorities.
And some of the alternativesWe went through our setting an
(17:16):
intention versus setting a goal.
Holding space for possibility.
Creating anti goals.
And maybe even having no goals
Life and its pressures, ebb and flow.
So when you're in a place like I waswhen you have motivation and desire,
but lack the time and predictability.
(17:37):
Perhaps you could try one of theseapproaches and see if they work for you.
I've been trying be setting intentionand holding space approaches.
And so far so good.
I feel like there's been afluidity in the chunks of my free
time in my evenings and days.
And while I don't necessarilyhave a long list of checked off
boxes, I still feel accomplished.
(17:58):
And I have way less stress and guilt.
And that is a goal worth achieving.
Thanks so much for joining me today.
It takes action to claim something.
So by listening, you've already shownyou're the kind of mom who shows
up for herself and her daughter.
Big hugs and high fives from me.
(18:19):
If you liked what you heard, please leavea review on apple podcasts or Spotify.
Even though it may notseem like a big deal.
It means the world to me.
And it does help otherlisteners find the show.
Also hits subscriber, followin your favorite podcast
app and tell your friends.
And if you're on Instagram,follow at an OB, raised
To find quotes from wise womenreminders, tips, et cetera, and get
(18:42):
a heads up on upcoming podcasts.
And I'll be popping in live onoccasion with podcast guests.
So you'll have a chance to askyour own questions Also remember to
head to note, be raised them.com.
As I mentioned earlier,it's totally revamped.
So it's easier to findshow notes and transcripts.
You can send me a voice messageor an email message and sign up
(19:03):
for my email list to be the firstto know about upcoming projects.
Those include a collective of sortsfor mindful moms of girls, kind
of like a mastermind for womenwho want to grow in powerful ways
and also be intentional about howthey show up for their daughters.
So do connect with me ifyou're interested in that.
(19:24):
Thanks again for listeningand here's to strong women.
May we know them?
May we be them?
And may we raise
undefined
Be them, raise them a show to helpmoms stay informed and inspired so
they can show up for themselves andtheir daughters the way they want to.
I'm your host Carmelita to join me eachweek as I cover a variety of topics,
all designed to support mindful.
And growth-oriented moms ofgirls, especially girls in their
crucial tween and teen years.
(00:22):
And welcome to the firstepisode of season two.
As many of, you know, I took some timeoff to reassess and somehow my few
weeks became a three ish month hiatus.
And while that length wasunintentional, it was also much needed.
And felt like the rightthing in retrospect.
And that's actually the topic I choseto kick off the season with the idea
(00:45):
of goals, the guilt that can come whenyou don't achieve them, and how to
redefine them when there are lots ofvariables in your life that affect
your ability to accomplish these goals.
In these instances, sticking to a brightline goal can become problematic and maybe
feeds into toxic productivity culture.
Especially if the onlyway to achieve that goal.
(01:06):
Is at the expense of otherthings you value more like your
family connections, your physicalhealth or your mental health.
But before I dive deeper into that.
I wanted to share a few exciting updates.
First, no them be them.
Raise them ranked in the top 5% ofpodcasts, according to listen notes,
which is a podcast data aggregator.
(01:27):
Of course, the statistic is nice.
But what's really meaningful isknowing that these chats, these
conversations and, uh, my time that Iget to spend with these amazing guests.
Is being heard.
I love the idea ofparenting with intention.
And evolving into better versions ofourselves and showing up as the type
(01:48):
of person you are proud of, as wellas the kind of person you would feel
comfortable, your kids becoming someday.
I sometimes like to think ofit as being this person that my
grandkids or great-grandkids wouldbe proud to call their ancestor.
Also I launched a new podcastCheck it out@nobyraisedthem.com.
(02:10):
I finally have transcripts available,you can also easily shoot me an email.
If you have topic requests or feedback.
And there's even a search function.
If you want to find keywords aboutspecific topics, for instance, you
can type in confidence and it'll pullup any episode with that word in it.
So you can dive into the areas that you'remost interested in with relative ease.
(02:32):
You can even leave me a voicemailmessage by clicking on a microphone
icon in the corner of the screen.
And yeah, it's kind ofcool it, test it out.
I would love to hear what you think.
And speaking of feedback, I gota couple of direct messages from
listeners that talked about theshow and how it impacted them.
One said yesterday was all about helpingmy daughter navigate her first heartbreak.
(02:55):
I felt like I had a lot of toolsfrom listening to all your podcasts.
Another said.
I love your show.
It makes me feel sane knowing that someoneelse is thinking about topics like this.
Thanks to all of you who DMD or leftreviews, they really do mean a lot.
And one last development I want to share.
During the break.
(03:16):
I ticked off a goal that's been inmy heart for, well over a decade,
maybe even, maybe even two decades.
I became a certified coach through Lumiaand ICF accredited coaching program.
And I've been enjoying what I'mlearning so much that I'm continuing
on to pursue my ICF ACC accreditationthrough their signature program.
And who knows what's next afterthat, I've just been floored by the
(03:39):
knowledge I've gained and the skillsthat I've And I'm ideating ways to
build out communities and containersto support the people and values.
I believe in.
Which I think will include a mastermindfor moms or some sort of moms group,
which I think I've referenced before.
More on this tecum, it'sstill a work in progress.
But please do feel free to reach outto me to connect if you're interested.
(04:01):
Leave me an email or sign up formy newsletter or my email list.
I'd be happy to share my thoughtsand answer any questions about
coaching, future programming.
Et cetera.
So for this episode . I feltcompelled to touch on goal setting.
As I really struggled withthis over the past few months.
(04:23):
As I mentioned earlier, I seta goal for myself a few months
ago to launch season two.
After a month long break.
And then that month turned intotwo months and then three months.
And a part of me as the time stretched oncould not help, but see this as a failure.
After all I had set this goal and it was asmart goal, which for those of you who've
(04:45):
been in the corporate world, you know thatit's an acronym for specific measurable,
achievable, relevant, and time-bound.
And I didn't accomplish it.
But only looking at those two datapoints, basically the goal I set
and not accomplishing it as I hadinitially set out to do, leaves
out a huge part of the big picture.
(05:06):
It made me think of.
When you Google maps, something inadvance and it gives you a time estimate.
And that's what you carry with youto inform when you're going to leave
for an event or to pick up your kids.
But then when you actually hit theroad, You can't find your keys.
You spill your coffee when yougo to grab your travel mug.
And then of course there's anaccident creating a traffic
(05:27):
jam and all sorts of delays.
That's kind of what I feel likethe last several months have been.
In my case, I found out thatmy husband's cancer came back.
Thankfully it's being managedand we are blessed to have
access to the care that he needs.
But it's still through bothof us for an emotional loop.
As we processed his return to treatments.
And wrapped our heads around what thismeans and how, if in any way, this was
(05:51):
going to change how we approach things.
And then my kids signed up for several newactivities, which of course have different
locations and staggered start times.
Which has any parent knows, can bemaddening is so much to keep track of.
My kids also struggled with various upsand downs, some more serious than others,
(06:13):
but all of which take up energy and space.
of course, this is allagainst the backdrop of life.
Work, trying to stay physicallyactive, stay on top of finances,
have some semblance of a sociallife, stay connected with friends and
family, volunteering, spirituality,et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.
(06:35):
So, despite all that was going on.
I initially found myself.
Beating myself up for notmeeting my podcast goal.
I'm guessing lots of highachieving women out there.
Might have this knee jerk reaction tothis little voice that kind of wonders.
Why can't I hustle harder?
(06:55):
Why can't I seem to find the time.
What did I do wrong?
That made it.
So I didn't, or I can'taccomplish what I set out to do.
And I just, I just got stuck.
It took a little while to take thetime to understand what was going on.
And frankly, I had some greatcoaching sessions that helped me
get to a place of understanding.
(07:18):
I took a step back to just notice.
And a few themes, stood out.
First.
I was giving myself the space Ineeded to mentally and emotionally
process, a lot of stuff.
And I didn't use to do that.
I would push my feelings aside anddistract myself with busy-ness.
But eventually I discovered thatdidn't serve me well in the long run.
(07:40):
And over the past several years.
I've become better at giving myselfspace to sit with those feelings
and let myself work through them.
Instead of pretending they don't exist.
I also was available and beingpresent with my husband and daughters
through emotionally Rocky times.
If they ask me to talk.
I want to be all ears.
(08:02):
My friend, Kara introduced me to this ideaof sessions where your kid can ask for a
good chunk of time just to sit with you.
And you say yes, and you listen.
I offered this idea to my daughters,maybe two or three years And it wasn't
until a couple of months ago that theyreally started to take me up on it.
It seemed like there was a period whereevery other night I was lying next to one
(08:24):
of them in bed, staring at the ceilingjust before bedtime and listening to what
was on their minds or in their hearts.
And giving my most non-judgemental andaffirming responses when they wanted it.
And I didn't care if it kept mefrom getting less sleep or eight
and tune the time that I hadallocated for working on other goals.
(08:45):
It really felt like thisis what it means to be
This is such a gift to have themspeaking to me openly, and I
wouldn't give that up for anything.
Not only that.
But I value my health and I strive tohave a sense of wellness in my life.
And I was continuing to give myselfthat over the past few months.
I was getting a decent amount ofexercise, getting enough rest.
(09:08):
Most of the time.
Because for whatever reason, if I getless than six hours of sleep at night, I
don't know if it's my age or hormones orwhat, but my mood and attitude take a hit.
I can be so impatient, grumpy.
I don't want to show uplike that for anyone.
In looking at these themes.
I realized I was livingin line with my values.
(09:31):
In deciding how to spend my time.
There wasn't anything wrong with me.
And instead of asking myself, what canI do differently or So I can accomplish
this goal, despite the circumstances.
It was really more aquestion of what's realistic.
How can I adjust thisgoal and redefine success?
(09:52):
Given the circumstances.
And my need to respect my values.
And acknowledge my priorities.
What's funny is I'm pretty good atcalling up my daughters when they have
unrealistic expectations or standards.
I just wasn't as good atlooking at my life in the same
So, if you find yourself struggling toaccomplish a goal and you feel guilty
(10:13):
or down on yourself, If you have thislittle gremlin voice telling you, you
should be productive and making yousecond, guess yourself, wondering if
you're procrastinating or worse, you're animposter because you didn't hit that goal.
Like you said, you would wrong.
Ask yourself instead.
Am I living in alignment with my values.
And sure.
Maybe sometimes we can powerthrough to get to a goal, do
(10:35):
whatever it takes to succeed.
But we should always check thoseefforts against our values If
the answer is yes, you are livingin alignment with your values.
Then give yourself permissionto flex those goals.
Not as a concession.
But as a conscious choiceand kind of a celebration.
That you are honoringyourself and your needs.
(10:56):
Once I gave myself permissionto let go of my original goals.
I began to wonder howI could reframe things.
What's an approach towards Colesthat has fewer forced at deadlines.
Or less artificial urgencyand way less guilt.
So as I'm known to do, andprobably a lot of you do too.
I dove into a content wormhole.
(11:18):
On the internet, of course.
Just to see what I could find, andI thought I'd share with you four
things, four approaches that seemedto provide flexibility and grace,
which for many busy moms of busy kids.
I know is paramount.
So number one is to swapout goals for intention.
(11:38):
And intention is to almost think ofit as a wish or a desire to bring in
the feelings you want to feel without.
This win, lose framework.
We've been conditioned to use theword goal when we want to make
a change or accomplish somethingand to choose a tangible result.
But sometimes maybe we don't reallycare about the actual outcome.
(12:01):
What we really want tochange is how we feel.
So a goal.
Is typically defined asthis predetermined result.
But an intention is more a desire tocreate a sustained feeling over time.
So for instance, a goal couldbe, I want to lose 10 pounds
in the next three months.
But the intention could I want tofeel healthy, energized, and strong.
(12:26):
We can see how intentions can help usfocus on creating kind of lasting change
where goals might only focus on hustlingafter a temporary and fixed outcome.
I personally like thisfeelings focused perspective.
It's true.
Sometimes it's not a thing or a,an accomplishment, but really that,
that state of being that I'm after.
(12:46):
And using intentions versusgoals allows for this.
Number two.
Say you'll hold space for something,instead of calling it a goal.
Holding space is typically used inthe context of therapy or coaching.
It's when you put your own judgmentsAnd you don't have an agenda.
So it creates space for openness andpossibility without any expectations.
(13:10):
It can be like that with goals too.
We can set the idea of a specificgoal aside and instead be
open to progress of any kind.
Towards a state of being, orthe kind of person you want to
be and see what might show up.
So for instance, you could holdspace for working out this week.
(13:31):
And it makes it so that if youwork out three times, that's great.
But even once we'll be good.
As opposed to my goal is towork out three times this week.
And if you work out once you feellike you missed the mark, I really
liked this framework that allowsyou to celebrate any progress.
Not just hitting the bull'seye, but also getting close.
(13:53):
Number three.
Is to consider anti goals,What don't you want to do?
My planner actually has this baked in.
There's a place in the cornerwhere I can list five things each
week that I don't want to do.
And it prompts me to think aboutwhat actions do I want to avoid,
like comparing myself to othersor picking fights with my partner.
(14:14):
Or impulse buys.
And what states do I want to avoid?
So maybe that's impatienceprocrastination or perfectionism.
While auntie goals might seemkind of counterintuitive.
They basically give us abenchmark of failure to avoid.
It allows us to be really flexiblewith growth and progress while
still remaining true to thevision of ourselves that we want.
(14:38):
It reminds me of aninterview with Greg McKeown.
The author of essential ism.
In an interview about goal setting.
He encourages people to ask, amI making it harder than it needs
Because sometimes it can be aboutnot doing the thing you don't want
to do instead of doing the thingthat you think you want to do.
So using this example of exercise,instead of my goal is to go
(15:02):
to the gym three times a week.
It could I don't want to feel unhealthy.
Or inactive or sedentary.
I don't want to go a fullweek without breaking a sweat.
And number four is to doaway with goals entirely.
The author, Leo Babauta.
He wrote the book Zen habits.
Says that sometimes thebest goal is no goal at all.
(15:25):
I was super skeptical, but Idid read further to understand.
How this approach would actually work.
So when you don't set a goal forthe week or a month or a year,
you're not obsessing over trackingor thinking about next steps.
Instead.
The ideas to really tune into your passionand your intuition and what feels right.
So it allows you to build on yourgut instincts and let that lead
(15:49):
you towards truly fulfilling goals.
And just because you don't havegoals, doesn't mean you do nothing.
The idea is that what you choose todo is guided not by what you write
down with a little checkbox nextto it, but by what your heart or
your gut is telling you to do next.
This obviously wouldn'twork in all contexts.
Like if you're saving for your kid'scollege or you have a goal to pay
(16:11):
off your mortgage, but for somethings in life, it could make sense.
So using the example of exercise.
I suppose this means trying differentmovements and exercises and noticing how
that makes you feel and just keep doingthe things that feel most rewarding.
The doing of something without quantifyinganything would be gratifying enough.
(16:31):
These four approaches feel likemuch more compassionate frameworks.
Towards quote unquote, goal setting.
Then some more rigid structuresthat we might be used to.
So to recap, When you findyourself frustrated with a lack
of progress towards a personalgoal that you've set for yourself.
Ask am I living inalignment with my values?
(16:53):
And then what's the costof accomplishing this goal.
And if you are living in alignmentwith your values and you don't.
Want to compromise those values.
Ask, how can you redefine success?
How can you tweak this goal?
Given your circumstances?
And do so in a way that respectsyour values and priorities.
And some of the alternativesWe went through our setting an
(17:16):
intention versus setting a goal.
Holding space for possibility.
Creating anti goals.
And maybe even having no goals
Life and its pressures, ebb and flow.
So when you're in a place like I waswhen you have motivation and desire,
but lack the time and predictability.
(17:37):
Perhaps you could try one of theseapproaches and see if they work for you.
I've been trying be setting intentionand holding space approaches.
And so far so good.
I feel like there's been afluidity in the chunks of my free
time in my evenings and days.
And while I don't necessarilyhave a long list of checked off
boxes, I still feel accomplished.
(17:58):
And I have way less stress and guilt.
And that is a goal worth achieving.
Thanks so much for joining me today.
It takes action to claim something.
So by listening, you've already shownyou're the kind of mom who shows
up for herself and her daughter.
Big hugs and high fives from me.
(18:19):
If you liked what you heard, please leavea review on apple podcasts or Spotify.
Even though it may notseem like a big deal.
It means the world to me.
And it does help otherlisteners find the show.
Also hits subscriber, followin your favorite podcast
app and tell your friends.
And if you're on Instagram,follow at an OB, raised
To find quotes from wise womenreminders, tips, et cetera, and get
(18:42):
a heads up on upcoming podcasts.
And I'll be popping in live onoccasion with podcast guests.
So you'll have a chance to askyour own questions Also remember to
head to note, be raised them.com.
As I mentioned earlier,it's totally revamped.
So it's easier to findshow notes and transcripts.
You can send me a voice messageor an email message and sign up
(19:03):
for my email list to be the firstto know about upcoming projects.
Those include a collective of sortsfor mindful moms of girls, kind
of like a mastermind for womenwho want to grow in powerful ways
and also be intentional about howthey show up for their daughters.
So do connect with me ifyou're interested in that.
(19:24):
Thanks again for listeningand here's to strong women.
May we know them?
May we be them?
And may we raise
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