July 12, 2022 • 19 mins
Ever wish you had a magic spell that would guarantee your daughter turns into a brave and confident woman? An “abracadabra” to ensure she grows up to be bold and powerful, in the best way?
While sadly there’s no such thing, Wendy Snyder, Positive Parenting Teacher, Family Coach and founder of A Fresh Start Family, offers us some guidance in her article, "10 Important Phrases Parents Can Use to Empower Their Daughters.”
The episode dives into how we can rephrase our words - how we can say things better, to better support our daughters.
- I love you no matter what.
- You are absolutely beautiful, inside and out.
- You are strong, and you’ve got this! I’m here to support you.
- How do you feel?
- Gosh, I love my ______ (body part)! What is your favorite part of your body?
- Oh yeah? Tell me more.
- How can you be a light in this situation?
- You have a strong desire to feel powerful and that is GOOD!
- How will you be the change you want to see?
- I am not ok with _____, or I’d like you to ______.
To learn more about Wendy and A Fresh Start Family, visit:
- Website: www.freshstartfamilyonline.com
- Instagram: @freshstartwendy
- Podcast: The Fresh Start Family Show
- Got a strong-willed child? Check out the free guide, "How to Raise Strong Willed Kids With Integrity" and "10 Firm and Kind Phrases to Use When Your Child Isn't Listening."
- You can also enroll in a free class on power struggles - save your seat by visiting www.freshstartfamilyonline.com/powerstrugglesclass .
Know Them, Be Them, Raise Them
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (00:02):
Hi everyone.
So it's this height of summer andit's time to relax, reflect and
catch up with yourself to take breaksfrom the routine of school and work.
Everyone knows summer feels different.
People take family vacations.
Maybe you get summer Fridays.
Maybe you let yourself stayup a little later as the light
lingers in the sky longer.
(00:22):
Still when I thought about mypodcasting schedule earlier this
year, I thought I would want to keepediting and releasing new podcasts
weekly all through the summer.
Almost like an analyst thatpushes out weekly reports,
you get used to this routine.
So keeping up with it,shouldn't be a big deal.
Right?
well, I was completely wrong.
(00:43):
I underestimated the amount of timeand energy that summer schedules would
eat up from schlepping, the kids toactivities with different start and
end times, unexpected summer colds andillness, family events, travel plans.
All this time I used to spendrecording, editing and promoting
that was already broken up betweendifferent demands, was now being
(01:04):
broken up into even smaller shards of.
I also dove into other pursuits in afit of pre-summer productivity prompted
by the promise of a wide open summer.
But suddenly several weekslater I realized I was stressed.
Like I needed a break from summerbreak and I suspect I'm not alone.
(01:25):
Either.
Several listeners who also happento be friends will say things
like I have to catch up on thelast few episodes or I'm behind.
I haven't had a chanceto listen since school.
It.
so to honor the need for more space andless summertime stress, I've decided
to, re-release a few of the top episodesfrom the first season of know them.
Be them, raise them.
(01:46):
For you long time and loyal listeners.
I suspect you may be gratefulfor the reminders, after all
repetition is key to learning.
Plus if you've been putting someof these ideas into practice,
You'll find it rewarding tosee what progress you've made.
And for newer listeners,you may be hearing these fan
favorites for the first time.
I know it can be hard to dig intothe back library of a podcast.
(02:09):
So consider this my gift of servingup to you the best and brightest
from the last several months.
Whatever camp you fall into.
I'm so glad you're here.
May you have a wonderful gloriousmiddle of the summer, and I'll be
returning with new episodes for seasontwo, which will launch in August.
And if you haven't done soalready, remember to head to
(02:30):
knowberaisethem.com or the shownotes to sign up for my newsletter.
Follow @knowberaisethem onInstagram and on Facebook.
Find facebook.com/knowberaisethem.
Welcome to know them.
Be them, raise them a show about raisingtween and teen girls to help mindful
(02:51):
progressive growth oriented and busymoms stay informed and inspired so
they can show up for themselves andtheir daughters the way they want to.
I'm your host Carmelita too.
Today's article 10 important phrasesparents can use to empower their daughter.
Comes from Wendy Snyder.
Wendy is a positive parenting teacherand family coach, helping families,
(03:12):
parent with great purpose and intentionby creating healthy, respectful,
and cooperative relationships.
She is a certified parent educatorof redirecting children's behavior
or RCB and an advocate for families,a mother to two vibrant children.
Wendy has been dedicated tothe application of positive
parenting in her home since 2009.
(03:34):
Wendy discovered the work ofpositive parenting when she was
challenged and overwhelmed with themany trials of parenthood early in
her motherhood experience throughher company, fresh start family.
Wendy gives parents the support and tools.
They need to raise their childrenwith firmness, kindness, strong
limits, compassion, and empathy.
Here's her article.
(04:01):
Having daughters is such a beautifulcombination of gifts and responsibilities.
These incredible little women provideus with an opportunity to have the
deepest and truest feminine friendshipfor life and to gift the world
with the next generation of strong,compassionate, and driven female souls.
But this takes work.
There's no doubt about it.
(04:22):
Harmony between mothers anddaughters and the ability to lead.
And have them listen, doesn't just happen.
It's a relationship that hasto be created and nurtured.
Mutual respect can be taught from a youngage, empowering both moms and daughters
to truly feel like they belong both in ourrelationship together and in the world.
Anchoring this sense of belonging for ourgirls is one of our most important jobs
(04:46):
as a parent teaching our daughters thatthey belong in a world that often fills
them with oppositional messages can be.
So empowering them is key.
When looking to build our girls up, committo empowering them, to develop their
voice, believe in themselves, stand upfor what they believe in lean into their
(05:07):
desire to feel powerful, love themselves,trust their gut, chase their dreams.
Be firm with their nose.
Be respectful and persistent intheir stand against injustice.
Seek peace in the areas.
They see a need, allow their emotionsto guide them, trust their heart.
That vulnerability is good.
(05:29):
Always believe in their innategoodness, allow empathy to guide
them, use their hearts, to freelygive compassion and have confidence
that they can create any kind of life.
They.
Consider using these phrases with yourdaughters to empower them to lean into
the strength, kindness, vision, and power.
(05:49):
They each hold.
Number one.
I love you.
No matter what, take abreak from be good today.
Or if you're good, you'llget extra hugs tonight.
Instead, for example, say, I want youto know that I love you no matter what
you will always and forever have myunconditional love no matter what.
(06:11):
Unconditional love is at the core ofpositive parenting and means that our
love for our kids does not depend onthe level of good behavior they have
rooting our parenting in unconditionallove is essential to building strong,
confident girls, trust that yourdaughters are good all the time.
No matter what mistakes theymake or challenges they face each
(06:32):
day, feeding this truth into ourgirls, pours into their need to.
Which is a key motivating factor that Dr.
Rudolph Dreyer's grandfather ofpositive parenting helps us understand
is underneath kids' behaviors, removeconditions and lean into unconditional
love, even amidst, imperfection,and tough days, or stages of life.
(06:56):
Number two, you are absolutelybeautiful inside and out.
Take a break from you.
Look so pretty in that.
Instead say, I love you in thatdress and you are absolutely
beautiful inside and out.
Your heart is just as pretty as your gown.
The world will give our girls plenty ofmessages that their beauty is all about.
(07:18):
What's on the outside.
So let's be sure to remind them oftenhow true beauty comes from within
confidence, kindness, optimism,compassion, these traits, radiate beauty
from the heart in the most powerful.
show your girls female role models,such as Malala, Bethany, Hamilton, and
the 2018 Olympic women's hockey team.
(07:40):
And explain how each of thesewomen represents deep beauty.
Number three, you arestrong, and you've got this.
I'm here to support you.
Take a break from I'll talk to that.
Girl's mom.
It's not okay for herto treat you like that.
Instead, for example, say, itsounds like you don't like the way
your classmate is treating you.
(08:01):
How will you let her know thatyou'd like her to be kind to you?
You're strong and you've got this,I'm here to support you in order
for our girls to feel empowered,to solve their own problems.
It's essential that we let them try resistthe urge to do it for them, rescue them,
or always give the answer, allow them tobe stretched so that they can find courage
(08:21):
and seek to use that courage in their.
Support them by being by theirside, but allow them to use
their voice for peaceful conflictresolution and to initiate change.
Number four.
How do you feel take abreak from, oh, don't cry.
It's okay, honey, don't worry about it.
Everything's fine.
(08:42):
Instead.
Say, how did you feel when that happenedor I can see your brother has upset you.
How are you feeling and how will youtake care of yourself to feel better?
Feeling and processing emotionsfully is essential for our girls to
develop emotional strength as parents.
It's important to know that emotionsare neither right, nor wrong.
(09:02):
They just are teacher girlsthat emotions are good.
And that identifying how they'refeeling will help them take action
to feel better communicatingthat emotion such as sadness.
Anger and hurt, contribute to thewholeness of life is important to help
our daughters embrace all emotions,resist the urge to fix when guiding
(09:23):
your girls and expect some levelof messiness lean into the power
of listening, which will guide yourdaughters to find their own solutions.
Number five.
Gosh, I love my fill inthe name of the body part.
What's your favorite part of your body?
Take a break from, Ugh, this stomach.
(09:43):
I need to lose some weight instead,say, gosh, I love my strong legs
and how they were formed from my15 years of springboard diving.
They're my favorite part of my body.
What's your favorite part ofyour body and why do you love it?
teaching our girls to focus on onething they love about their bodies.
Instead of telling them they need to love.
Every inch of themselvestakes the pressure off.
(10:05):
Having a quote unquote perfectbody image, allow your daughters
to express negative emotions abouttheir bodies and resist the urge to
make them wrong for their feelings.
Instead, guide them to find onething they love and empower them to
put that at the top of their mind.
Number six oh.
(10:25):
Tell me more, take a breakfrom you should do this, or,
well, no wonder that happened.
You shouldn't have fill in theblank instead, say, oh yeah.
Tell me more.
How did you feel?
What happened?
What did you do when the teachersaid that I'm here to listen,
developing a strong ability tolisten intently to our daughters,
(10:46):
empowers them to find and use their.
It also allows them to expressthemselves freely and fully instead
of being interrupted or rescued.
When our daughters know they have aparent who will listen without always
trying to fix them, they'll open up more,learn to trust their voice, express their
feelings and communicate effectively,both with us and in the world.
(11:08):
Number seven, how can you bea light in this situation?
Take a break from stop being mean.
I refuse to raise a mean.
for example, say friendships withother girls can be really challenging.
How can you be a light inthis situation and use your
kindness to solve the problem?
Girl, relationships canget sticky and messy.
(11:32):
Take a break from using the term mean, andinstead, fill your daughter with the truth
about who she really is kind good, loving,funny, resourceful, creative, caring, and.
guide her to see creative ways to usethose strengths, to solve problems
with her friends, her classmatessiblings, and you supplementing this
phrase with a lesson on peacefulproblem solving is always a great idea.
(11:56):
Teach kids to take turnsusing a win-win exercise.
Like I feel fill in the blankand I want fill in the blank.
Number eight, you have a strong desireto feel powerful and that's good.
Take a break from don't be so bossy.
No one likes a bossy girl,or why can't you just listen,
you always push back on rules.
(12:18):
What's wrong with you.
Instead say you are gifted with astrong desire to feel powerful, and
that will make you an incredible leader.
You need to practice expressingyourself with respect though.
So let's try that again.
Or.
You have a strong desire to bein charge and that's a gift.
Can you try asking your friendsto play the game your way, instead
(12:39):
of telling them what to do?
Cheryl Sandberg, chief operating officerof Facebook writes in her book lean in.
I want every girl who's toldshe's bossy to be told instead
that she has leadership skills.
What a gift it would be to mentor ourdaughters on how to see this need.
They have to seek power.
As good instead of something thatmakes them unattractive or bad,
(13:03):
encourage your daughters to findways to feel powerful in respectful
ways and how to lead with integrity.
Number nine, how will you bethe change you want to see?
Take a break from stopcomplaining about it.
It'll never change, or those girlsare mean don't be friends with.
instead, you could say, I can see that youdon't like the way these kids are acting.
(13:26):
How will you be thechange you wish to see?
How can you respond to them in a waythat you want them to follow suit?
Empowering our daughters on how toinfluence others with integrity,
fills them with the capability tocreate positive change in their
peer groups, schools, community,and even their own families.
Teaching our girls, how to continue actingwith kindness, compassion, self-confidence
(13:49):
grit, determination, and respect.
Even when others aren't helps to developstrong character and high self-esteem.
Number 10, I am not okay with fillin the blank or I'd like you to fill
in the blank, take a break from you.
Need to stop that, or youshould listen more to what I.
(14:10):
instead, for example, say I'm notokay with you using your hands to
solve problems with your brother.
I need you to take a pause, then usewords to peacefully, resolve your problem
with him using I statements and takingresponsibility for our own emotions and
desires teaches our girls to do the same.
It also mentors our daughters to askfor what they want versus telling people
(14:32):
what they don't want, which increases therate at which others cooperate with them.
Raising daughters who use I statementsto own their choices, wishes, dreams,
and goals helps to create a futuregeneration of women who blame others
less and take control to create thelife they want instead of waiting
for others or outside circumstancesto provide the way there are so many
(14:56):
good recommendations in this article.
I feel the need to recap them right away.
So the 10 phrases are number one.
I love you.
No matter what, number two, you areabsolutely beautiful inside and out.
Number three, you arestrong and you've got this.
I'm here to support you.
Number four, how do you feel?
(15:19):
Number five.
Gosh, I love.
And then name the bodypart, your own body part.
What's your favorite part of your body?
Number six.
Oh yeah.
Tell me more.
number seven.
How can you be a light in this situation?
Number eight, you have astrong desire to feel powerful.
And that's good.
(15:40):
Number nine.
How will you be thechange you want to see?
And 10, I am not okay with fill inthe blank or I'd like you to fill
in the blank using I statements.
all of these resonated on some leveleither I've lived through situations
or there've been other episodes wherewe've discussed particular aspects.
(16:02):
The three that particularlyresonated are, gosh, I love my
legs or, gosh, I love my, my hands.
I, I hadn't really thought about.
How trying to speak in generalizationsabout you should love your body,
may overemphasize this desire to beperfect and maybe set them up for
unrealistic expectations, which thencreates some dissonance with, with
(16:25):
the emotions they actually feel.
So I, I remember reading this at one pointand saying to myself, I'm gonna talk more
about like how strong my, my legs are.
Especially after working out,you feel just super amped.
But where I fell short is asking themwhat their favorite part of their body is.
(16:46):
Uh, and getting that dialoguein place is important as well.
The other one, you have a strong desireto feel powerful and that's good.
I don't think I've ever spokenthat in such a direct way.
I certainly encouraged my girlsto speak up and to share their
opinions, but in moments when itdoes start to border on perhaps.
(17:08):
And a level of assertiveness thatI might not be totally comfortable
with acknowledging that in thatmoment, it's not all bad that the
desire to feel powerful is good.
That is a perspective shift for me.
And I'm definitely gonna sit withthat and process it a bit to see
how I can incorporate that more.
I also loved number 10.
I am not okay with that.
(17:29):
Or I'd like you to fill in the blank,whatever it is that, that you want.
I know that.
My daughters and I are good atarticulating what it is that we'd
like to see work out differently.
I'm just not sure how often Iencourage them to say, I'm not
okay with that versus making itthis impartial third party thing.
(17:50):
That's not fair.
That is wrong versus Iam not okay with that.
It's kind of a nuance that Iwill be more conscious about.
And I like Wendy's encouragement sayinghow daughters who use I statements to own
their choices, et cetera, end up blamingothers less and taking more control of
creating the life they want instead ofwaiting for others to step in or waiting
(18:14):
for the circumstances to magically align.
I hadn't really thought about howthe words they use and I statements
could really help put that into play.
I hope you're excited to talkto your daughter and use these
phrases after today's episode.
A big, thanks to Wendy Snyder forher insights and setting up these
(18:35):
phrases in a succinct and easy tounderstand way to learn more about
Wendy and a fresh start family.
Visit www dot fresh start family.
online.com.
She's also on Instagram at freshstart Wendy, and there's a podcast.
The fresh start family show thatyou can tune into those links are
in the show notes, along with thelink to her free guide, raising
(18:59):
strong willed kids with integrity.
There's also a free class.
You can take on power struggles, justgo to her website, register there
and you can attend the next session.
Thank you for listening.
I really believe that by listening andleaning into learning about ourselves.
Parenting and the issues facing womenand girls, including our daughters.
We are empowering them andchanging the world bit by bit.
(19:22):
If you found something helpful orinsightful in the episode, remember
to subscribe to the podcast,tell a friend and follow at know,
be, raise them on Instagram.
And as always here's to strongwomen, may we know them?
May we be them?
And may we raise them?
Hi everyone.
So it's this height of summer andit's time to relax, reflect and
catch up with yourself to take breaksfrom the routine of school and work.
Everyone knows summer feels different.
People take family vacations.
Maybe you get summer Fridays.
Maybe you let yourself stayup a little later as the light
lingers in the sky longer.
(00:22):
Still when I thought about mypodcasting schedule earlier this
year, I thought I would want to keepediting and releasing new podcasts
weekly all through the summer.
Almost like an analyst thatpushes out weekly reports,
you get used to this routine.
So keeping up with it,shouldn't be a big deal.
Right?
well, I was completely wrong.
(00:43):
I underestimated the amount of timeand energy that summer schedules would
eat up from schlepping, the kids toactivities with different start and
end times, unexpected summer colds andillness, family events, travel plans.
All this time I used to spendrecording, editing and promoting
that was already broken up betweendifferent demands, was now being
(01:04):
broken up into even smaller shards of.
I also dove into other pursuits in afit of pre-summer productivity prompted
by the promise of a wide open summer.
But suddenly several weekslater I realized I was stressed.
Like I needed a break from summerbreak and I suspect I'm not alone.
(01:25):
Either.
Several listeners who also happento be friends will say things
like I have to catch up on thelast few episodes or I'm behind.
I haven't had a chanceto listen since school.
It.
so to honor the need for more space andless summertime stress, I've decided
to, re-release a few of the top episodesfrom the first season of know them.
Be them, raise them.
(01:46):
For you long time and loyal listeners.
I suspect you may be gratefulfor the reminders, after all
repetition is key to learning.
Plus if you've been putting someof these ideas into practice,
You'll find it rewarding tosee what progress you've made.
And for newer listeners,you may be hearing these fan
favorites for the first time.
I know it can be hard to dig intothe back library of a podcast.
(02:09):
So consider this my gift of servingup to you the best and brightest
from the last several months.
Whatever camp you fall into.
I'm so glad you're here.
May you have a wonderful gloriousmiddle of the summer, and I'll be
returning with new episodes for seasontwo, which will launch in August.
And if you haven't done soalready, remember to head to
(02:30):
knowberaisethem.com or the shownotes to sign up for my newsletter.
Follow @knowberaisethem onInstagram and on Facebook.
Find facebook.com/knowberaisethem.
Welcome to know them.
Be them, raise them a show about raisingtween and teen girls to help mindful
(02:51):
progressive growth oriented and busymoms stay informed and inspired so
they can show up for themselves andtheir daughters the way they want to.
I'm your host Carmelita too.
Today's article 10 important phrasesparents can use to empower their daughter.
Comes from Wendy Snyder.
Wendy is a positive parenting teacherand family coach, helping families,
(03:12):
parent with great purpose and intentionby creating healthy, respectful,
and cooperative relationships.
She is a certified parent educatorof redirecting children's behavior
or RCB and an advocate for families,a mother to two vibrant children.
Wendy has been dedicated tothe application of positive
parenting in her home since 2009.
(03:34):
Wendy discovered the work ofpositive parenting when she was
challenged and overwhelmed with themany trials of parenthood early in
her motherhood experience throughher company, fresh start family.
Wendy gives parents the support and tools.
They need to raise their childrenwith firmness, kindness, strong
limits, compassion, and empathy.
Here's her article.
(04:01):
Having daughters is such a beautifulcombination of gifts and responsibilities.
These incredible little women provideus with an opportunity to have the
deepest and truest feminine friendshipfor life and to gift the world
with the next generation of strong,compassionate, and driven female souls.
But this takes work.
There's no doubt about it.
(04:22):
Harmony between mothers anddaughters and the ability to lead.
And have them listen, doesn't just happen.
It's a relationship that hasto be created and nurtured.
Mutual respect can be taught from a youngage, empowering both moms and daughters
to truly feel like they belong both in ourrelationship together and in the world.
Anchoring this sense of belonging for ourgirls is one of our most important jobs
(04:46):
as a parent teaching our daughters thatthey belong in a world that often fills
them with oppositional messages can be.
So empowering them is key.
When looking to build our girls up, committo empowering them, to develop their
voice, believe in themselves, stand upfor what they believe in lean into their
(05:07):
desire to feel powerful, love themselves,trust their gut, chase their dreams.
Be firm with their nose.
Be respectful and persistent intheir stand against injustice.
Seek peace in the areas.
They see a need, allow their emotionsto guide them, trust their heart.
That vulnerability is good.
(05:29):
Always believe in their innategoodness, allow empathy to guide
them, use their hearts, to freelygive compassion and have confidence
that they can create any kind of life.
They.
Consider using these phrases with yourdaughters to empower them to lean into
the strength, kindness, vision, and power.
(05:49):
They each hold.
Number one.
I love you.
No matter what, take abreak from be good today.
Or if you're good, you'llget extra hugs tonight.
Instead, for example, say, I want youto know that I love you no matter what
you will always and forever have myunconditional love no matter what.
(06:11):
Unconditional love is at the core ofpositive parenting and means that our
love for our kids does not depend onthe level of good behavior they have
rooting our parenting in unconditionallove is essential to building strong,
confident girls, trust that yourdaughters are good all the time.
No matter what mistakes theymake or challenges they face each
(06:32):
day, feeding this truth into ourgirls, pours into their need to.
Which is a key motivating factor that Dr.
Rudolph Dreyer's grandfather ofpositive parenting helps us understand
is underneath kids' behaviors, removeconditions and lean into unconditional
love, even amidst, imperfection,and tough days, or stages of life.
(06:56):
Number two, you are absolutelybeautiful inside and out.
Take a break from you.
Look so pretty in that.
Instead say, I love you in thatdress and you are absolutely
beautiful inside and out.
Your heart is just as pretty as your gown.
The world will give our girls plenty ofmessages that their beauty is all about.
(07:18):
What's on the outside.
So let's be sure to remind them oftenhow true beauty comes from within
confidence, kindness, optimism,compassion, these traits, radiate beauty
from the heart in the most powerful.
show your girls female role models,such as Malala, Bethany, Hamilton, and
the 2018 Olympic women's hockey team.
(07:40):
And explain how each of thesewomen represents deep beauty.
Number three, you arestrong, and you've got this.
I'm here to support you.
Take a break from I'll talk to that.
Girl's mom.
It's not okay for herto treat you like that.
Instead, for example, say, itsounds like you don't like the way
your classmate is treating you.
(08:01):
How will you let her know thatyou'd like her to be kind to you?
You're strong and you've got this,I'm here to support you in order
for our girls to feel empowered,to solve their own problems.
It's essential that we let them try resistthe urge to do it for them, rescue them,
or always give the answer, allow them tobe stretched so that they can find courage
(08:21):
and seek to use that courage in their.
Support them by being by theirside, but allow them to use
their voice for peaceful conflictresolution and to initiate change.
Number four.
How do you feel take abreak from, oh, don't cry.
It's okay, honey, don't worry about it.
Everything's fine.
(08:42):
Instead.
Say, how did you feel when that happenedor I can see your brother has upset you.
How are you feeling and how will youtake care of yourself to feel better?
Feeling and processing emotionsfully is essential for our girls to
develop emotional strength as parents.
It's important to know that emotionsare neither right, nor wrong.
(09:02):
They just are teacher girlsthat emotions are good.
And that identifying how they'refeeling will help them take action
to feel better communicatingthat emotion such as sadness.
Anger and hurt, contribute to thewholeness of life is important to help
our daughters embrace all emotions,resist the urge to fix when guiding
(09:23):
your girls and expect some levelof messiness lean into the power
of listening, which will guide yourdaughters to find their own solutions.
Number five.
Gosh, I love my fill inthe name of the body part.
What's your favorite part of your body?
Take a break from, Ugh, this stomach.
(09:43):
I need to lose some weight instead,say, gosh, I love my strong legs
and how they were formed from my15 years of springboard diving.
They're my favorite part of my body.
What's your favorite part ofyour body and why do you love it?
teaching our girls to focus on onething they love about their bodies.
Instead of telling them they need to love.
Every inch of themselvestakes the pressure off.
(10:05):
Having a quote unquote perfectbody image, allow your daughters
to express negative emotions abouttheir bodies and resist the urge to
make them wrong for their feelings.
Instead, guide them to find onething they love and empower them to
put that at the top of their mind.
Number six oh.
(10:25):
Tell me more, take a breakfrom you should do this, or,
well, no wonder that happened.
You shouldn't have fill in theblank instead, say, oh yeah.
Tell me more.
How did you feel?
What happened?
What did you do when the teachersaid that I'm here to listen,
developing a strong ability tolisten intently to our daughters,
(10:46):
empowers them to find and use their.
It also allows them to expressthemselves freely and fully instead
of being interrupted or rescued.
When our daughters know they have aparent who will listen without always
trying to fix them, they'll open up more,learn to trust their voice, express their
feelings and communicate effectively,both with us and in the world.
(11:08):
Number seven, how can you bea light in this situation?
Take a break from stop being mean.
I refuse to raise a mean.
for example, say friendships withother girls can be really challenging.
How can you be a light inthis situation and use your
kindness to solve the problem?
Girl, relationships canget sticky and messy.
(11:32):
Take a break from using the term mean, andinstead, fill your daughter with the truth
about who she really is kind good, loving,funny, resourceful, creative, caring, and.
guide her to see creative ways to usethose strengths, to solve problems
with her friends, her classmatessiblings, and you supplementing this
phrase with a lesson on peacefulproblem solving is always a great idea.
(11:56):
Teach kids to take turnsusing a win-win exercise.
Like I feel fill in the blankand I want fill in the blank.
Number eight, you have a strong desireto feel powerful and that's good.
Take a break from don't be so bossy.
No one likes a bossy girl,or why can't you just listen,
you always push back on rules.
(12:18):
What's wrong with you.
Instead say you are gifted with astrong desire to feel powerful, and
that will make you an incredible leader.
You need to practice expressingyourself with respect though.
So let's try that again.
Or.
You have a strong desire to bein charge and that's a gift.
Can you try asking your friendsto play the game your way, instead
(12:39):
of telling them what to do?
Cheryl Sandberg, chief operating officerof Facebook writes in her book lean in.
I want every girl who's toldshe's bossy to be told instead
that she has leadership skills.
What a gift it would be to mentor ourdaughters on how to see this need.
They have to seek power.
As good instead of something thatmakes them unattractive or bad,
(13:03):
encourage your daughters to findways to feel powerful in respectful
ways and how to lead with integrity.
Number nine, how will you bethe change you want to see?
Take a break from stopcomplaining about it.
It'll never change, or those girlsare mean don't be friends with.
instead, you could say, I can see that youdon't like the way these kids are acting.
(13:26):
How will you be thechange you wish to see?
How can you respond to them in a waythat you want them to follow suit?
Empowering our daughters on how toinfluence others with integrity,
fills them with the capability tocreate positive change in their
peer groups, schools, community,and even their own families.
Teaching our girls, how to continue actingwith kindness, compassion, self-confidence
(13:49):
grit, determination, and respect.
Even when others aren't helps to developstrong character and high self-esteem.
Number 10, I am not okay with fillin the blank or I'd like you to fill
in the blank, take a break from you.
Need to stop that, or youshould listen more to what I.
(14:10):
instead, for example, say I'm notokay with you using your hands to
solve problems with your brother.
I need you to take a pause, then usewords to peacefully, resolve your problem
with him using I statements and takingresponsibility for our own emotions and
desires teaches our girls to do the same.
It also mentors our daughters to askfor what they want versus telling people
(14:32):
what they don't want, which increases therate at which others cooperate with them.
Raising daughters who use I statementsto own their choices, wishes, dreams,
and goals helps to create a futuregeneration of women who blame others
less and take control to create thelife they want instead of waiting
for others or outside circumstancesto provide the way there are so many
(14:56):
good recommendations in this article.
I feel the need to recap them right away.
So the 10 phrases are number one.
I love you.
No matter what, number two, you areabsolutely beautiful inside and out.
Number three, you arestrong and you've got this.
I'm here to support you.
Number four, how do you feel?
(15:19):
Number five.
Gosh, I love.
And then name the bodypart, your own body part.
What's your favorite part of your body?
Number six.
Oh yeah.
Tell me more.
number seven.
How can you be a light in this situation?
Number eight, you have astrong desire to feel powerful.
And that's good.
(15:40):
Number nine.
How will you be thechange you want to see?
And 10, I am not okay with fill inthe blank or I'd like you to fill
in the blank using I statements.
all of these resonated on some leveleither I've lived through situations
or there've been other episodes wherewe've discussed particular aspects.
(16:02):
The three that particularlyresonated are, gosh, I love my
legs or, gosh, I love my, my hands.
I, I hadn't really thought about.
How trying to speak in generalizationsabout you should love your body,
may overemphasize this desire to beperfect and maybe set them up for
unrealistic expectations, which thencreates some dissonance with, with
(16:25):
the emotions they actually feel.
So I, I remember reading this at one pointand saying to myself, I'm gonna talk more
about like how strong my, my legs are.
Especially after working out,you feel just super amped.
But where I fell short is asking themwhat their favorite part of their body is.
(16:46):
Uh, and getting that dialoguein place is important as well.
The other one, you have a strong desireto feel powerful and that's good.
I don't think I've ever spokenthat in such a direct way.
I certainly encouraged my girlsto speak up and to share their
opinions, but in moments when itdoes start to border on perhaps.
(17:08):
And a level of assertiveness thatI might not be totally comfortable
with acknowledging that in thatmoment, it's not all bad that the
desire to feel powerful is good.
That is a perspective shift for me.
And I'm definitely gonna sit withthat and process it a bit to see
how I can incorporate that more.
I also loved number 10.
I am not okay with that.
(17:29):
Or I'd like you to fill in the blank,whatever it is that, that you want.
I know that.
My daughters and I are good atarticulating what it is that we'd
like to see work out differently.
I'm just not sure how often Iencourage them to say, I'm not
okay with that versus making itthis impartial third party thing.
(17:50):
That's not fair.
That is wrong versus Iam not okay with that.
It's kind of a nuance that Iwill be more conscious about.
And I like Wendy's encouragement sayinghow daughters who use I statements to own
their choices, et cetera, end up blamingothers less and taking more control of
creating the life they want instead ofwaiting for others to step in or waiting
(18:14):
for the circumstances to magically align.
I hadn't really thought about howthe words they use and I statements
could really help put that into play.
I hope you're excited to talkto your daughter and use these
phrases after today's episode.
A big, thanks to Wendy Snyder forher insights and setting up these
(18:35):
phrases in a succinct and easy tounderstand way to learn more about
Wendy and a fresh start family.
Visit www dot fresh start family.
online.com.
She's also on Instagram at freshstart Wendy, and there's a podcast.
The fresh start family show thatyou can tune into those links are
in the show notes, along with thelink to her free guide, raising
(18:59):
strong willed kids with integrity.
There's also a free class.
You can take on power struggles, justgo to her website, register there
and you can attend the next session.
Thank you for listening.
I really believe that by listening andleaning into learning about ourselves.
Parenting and the issues facing womenand girls, including our daughters.
We are empowering them andchanging the world bit by bit.
(19:22):
If you found something helpful orinsightful in the episode, remember
to subscribe to the podcast,tell a friend and follow at know,
be, raise them on Instagram.
And as always here's to strongwomen, may we know them?
May we be them?
And may we raise them?
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