April 11, 2024 • 27 mins
Tough topics. Whether it's a disagreement with a coworker, or tackling uncomfortably conversations with our kids, it can be hard to know how to approach things.
Today's episode focuses on communication and conversations, exploring the impact of what we say or don't say on our lives and relationships.
- 0:50 - Meet our guest, Rayna Rose Exelbierd, a motivational speaker, author, and advocate for kindness.
- 4:20 - Rayna shares her experience with uncomfortable conversations, highlighting the importance of remaining calm and listening actively.
- 11:15 - Discussing the necessity of asking specific questions to foster open communication with teens and children.
- 15:40 - Addressing the misconception of sheltering children from challenging topics and the importance of age-appropriate discussions.
- 21:05 - Encouraging parents to praise their children, reinforce their strengths, and instill a sense of self-worth.
Thank you for tuning in! Don't forget to subscribe, rate, and follow us on Instagram @knowthembethem. Here's to empowering women and raising resilient daughters!
Guest Spotlight: Name Here
Rayna Rose Exelbierd is the Chief Empowerment Officer, CEO of The Rose Grows. For the last decade, she has worked as a motivational speaker using her personal story to share lessons of rejection, resilience, and working with people who are different. Rayna emphasizes the importance of conversation and building relationships with other communities.
She has spoken to over a quarter of a million people. Rayna Rose has even more extraordinary stories about teens who made a difference under her mentorship. Through communication and leadership training, students have changed laws, received scholarships, launched businesses, and so much more!
About Rayna Rose Exelbierd:
- therosegrows.com
- Instagram: @therosegrows.trg
- Linkedin: https://www.linkedin.com/in/raynaroseexelbierd/
- Check out her books about individuality and kindness, The Girl Who Wore Two Different Shoes and The Girl Who Said Hello to Everyone!
About Your Host, Carmelita / Cat / Millie Tiu
Mom, spouse, coach, podcaster, wordsmith, legal eagle, retreat host. Endlessly curious about how we can show up better for ourselves – because when we do that, we also show up better for our kids and those around us. Visit carmelitatiu.com to learn more about Cat.
Know Them, Be Them, Raise Them
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For more doses of information and inspiration:
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Carmelita Tiu (00:03):
Welcome to know them.
Be them, raise them a show tohelp busy, mindful growth oriented
moms stay informed and inspired,especially as they're navigating
their daughters tween and teen years.
I'm Carmelita too, anunapologetic multihyphenate.
I'm a mom of two girls, a wife, acertified life coach focusing on
(00:23):
holistic personal development formulti-passionate impact driven women.
Also an attorney forcreatives and a podcast host.
I love having conversations about howwe can live and parent, and relate to
one another with intention, not justby sharing ideas, but also by sharing
actionable advice on how to move forward.
(00:45):
Today's episode centers on communication,conversations, What we choose to
say or not to say, and what impactand ripple effect that might have
on our lives and our relationships.
Here's the conversation.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (01:04):
My guest today is Rayna Rose Exelbierd and.
I'm just so excited to have her here.
Without further ado, I wouldlove Rayna for you to tell
us a little about yourself.
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (01:17):
Hi Cat.
Thank you so much forhaving me on the pod.
I am so excited to know them, be them,and most importantly, raise them.
Um,
I am the youngest in my family.
I have three older brothers.
Rayna means queen in Spanish andcertainly, through life experiences,
I've seen that my name, has reallymanifested as I get older and
(01:41):
grow into that confident woman.
I'm a motivational speaker.
I am an author.
I'm a connector.
And most importantly,I believe in kindness.
I think that kindness andconnection are the most beautiful
gifts you can give anyone.
And from there you can really doanything, and make anything happen.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (02:02):
Mm mm I, also am a huge fan of promoting this
idea of kindness, even if that may mean.
Kind of having to take your stand forsomething or maybe putting yourself
in an uncomfortable position, right?
Because I think especially for womenand girls, this idea of NICE is
(02:23):
perpetuated, whether consciously or not.
So I know some of your work and whatyou've talked about in the past relates to
this idea of uncomfortable conversations.
Can you tell us a little moreabout how you approach them and
what you encourage your teensand others to do when you speak?
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (02:42):
Totally.
So first and foremost, my career startedbecause as the granddaughter of Holocaust
survivors as a Jewish girl from Memphis,Tennessee, I was really surprised to
experience antisemitism for the veryfirst time when I started going to college
in Boca Raton, which is a city that isprimarily Jewish, for those listening.
(03:06):
And it really challenged my idea ofmy identity because at first I knew
what people were saying weren't true,but I really didn't have like the
information, or the knowledge tobe able to support what I was saying
outside of my life experiences.
And at first, when I was going throughthe anti-Semitism, you know, my response
(03:29):
was like, Crying, raising my voice,telling people that they were wrong.
And not only did that not leadto another conversation, but most
importantly, the people who werewatching me have these discussions with
some of these bullies on my campus.
From the outside, they didn't knowwhat either one of us were thinking.
(03:53):
They saw one person calm,they saw me freaking out.
So one of the first things Ilearned when it comes to facing
uncomfortable conversation isyou really have to be calm.
Sometimes that means if you're feelingmore, sad or or angry in that moment
(04:13):
maybe writing down your feelings andhaving the actual conversation later.
I also learned this at my old job.
You know, sometimes things come up andwe get really tense and we don't know
what the other person is, is thinking ordoing on the other side of the laptop,
you know, on the other side of the screen.
It's really easy sometimes for us tosend that snarky email back before even
(04:37):
realizing like, you are having a bad day.
So you responded from the placeof being angry, whereas the other
person is, they have no idea.
You know, the best way that I can connectthat is when people get really upset,
when someone cuts 'em off in trafficand they're still talking about it
(04:58):
and they're still screaming about it.
The person forgot about you.
Like as soon as they cut you off, likeliterally you didn't exist anymore,
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (05:07):
Right.
They may not even haveknown they cut you off.
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (05:10):
Exactly.
So I think number one, making sure thatyou're calm and number two, making sure
to respond at a time where like you havea lot more clarity emotionally and I'll
tell you, in business, sometimes I getso excited when people wanna hire me to
speak, that when I respond right away,I'm actually like underselling myself.
(05:32):
Whereas sometimes if I had taken thattime to wait, think about it, do a
little bit of research, you know,the value for, for what I'm able
to provide , can, be much stronger.
And the other big thing too that Iwant to touch on with uncomfortable
conversation is, you know, when I havedifferent life experiences with Uber
(05:52):
drivers or strangers at the grocerystore, I always like to write up
these different things that I learnand lessons that have come up for me.
And, during Covid I found myself sharinga lot of these stories into different
Facebook groups that I participate in.
The biggest thing that I love aboutwhen I share these stories is people
share different perspectives, tipsand tricks that work for them,
(06:16):
and it really promotes engagement.
One of the things that I had mentionedto you was in all the posts that I've
ever created, there were two posts that Imade that seemed to cause a lot of drama,
and really brought up this conversationof what do we tell our children?
How do we tell our children?
And what should we betelling our children?
(06:39):
And the, two topics were.
On, one post, I was mentoring studentsonline, helping students build confidence
through leadership, communicationtraining, helping them apply their skills
and gifts towards different projects.
And, I'd actually been participating ina mastermind leading up to that call.
(07:01):
We had this speaker in the Mastermind andone of the things he was talking about was
how important it is when you're listening.
Add a couple seconds to like your pause.
count to 10 before you,you start speaking.
And so I went into this mentorship sessionwith a teenager and we were talking,
(07:21):
and I was really being intentionalabout this idea of listening more.
Right?
Because the other thing too, froma psychological standpoint, If you
want people to hear what you haveto say, you have to really listen
to people first in order for themto give you that same respect back.
And I remember I was meeting withthis teenager, we'd been on the call
(07:42):
for an hour and there's one minuteleft in the call and she just like
casually disclosed that, Someonein her family, had said something
inappropriate to her and had broughtup this idea that they could be sexual
together if she wanted to experiment.
And this was an adult whosaid this to a teenager.
(08:04):
And in that moment, I said, first Isaid, you know, am I the first person
that you're, you're telling this to?
And she said, yes.
So then I paused.
And, you know, I started to explain to herthat, this is illegal and that, you know,
I would never violate your trust, but thisis something that your mom has to know.
(08:28):
Like, are you gonna tell your mom?
Am I gonna tell your mom?
And we really talked through it.
And as we talk about like this,you know, this idea of approaching,
uncomfortable conversations, one.
truly believe if I wasn't focused on beinga more intentional listener that day, I
don't think she would have shared that.
(08:49):
And number two, my first response, andI'm a little ashamed to admit it, but
my first response when this happened,after I started talking to some people
in my network, I said, oh, you know, I'veworked in the Jewish world for so long.
I just, you know,
It's the first time I've been around it.
And one of my friends pointed out tome, no Rayna, this isn't the first
time that you've been around it.
Because this is an issue thataffects people of all backgrounds.
(09:12):
This is the first time that you havebeen around a child who felt comfortable,
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (09:16):
Mm
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (09:17):
share that with you.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (09:18):
mm.
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (09:19):
And in that moment, that's when I realized like,
I have mentored thousands of kids.
I've been in hundreds of schools.
And you're right.
So you know, I made this post insome of these bond groups I'm in
of, hey, like, You know, these aresome signs that you can look for.
This is the experience that happenedto me and this is a conversation you
(09:40):
should be having, with your children.
And the amount of negative feedbackthat I got from parents on, you
know, how dare you bring this up.
I got messages from moderatorsabout we had to take the post down
because it was upsetting parents and.
I mentioned that issue because again,we know that this is something that's
(10:02):
happening in the world, and thisidea of if we don't talk about it
or if we don't tell our daughtersabout it, then we're protecting them.
We're actually doing them a disservicebecause if we don't prepare our
children to be able to speak up aboutthese things and we don't ask them about
these things, cuz we think like, okay,I'm not gonna mention it to my child,
(10:26):
but if God forbid they experience this,then I know that they're gonna come
and they're gonna tell me about it.
And, and the truth is, you can'texpect a young person to just tell you
something because it was a challengefor them or it meant something for them.
It's really up to us to ask goodquestions, meaningful questions,
(10:47):
and to really listen and bepatient so that they can take the
conversation where they want it to go.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (10:55):
100%.
as you were speaking, I was remindedof a scenario with my own daughter
where, I didn't think to ask avery direct question, I would ask
questions about her day, on a scaleof one to 10, what's your mood?
things like that.
and thankfully that's laid the groundworkfor many open conversations, but it
(11:15):
wasn't until, she had already experiencedsomething that in retrospect, wish I had.
She had approached meabout sooner, and she.
made me realize that what would helpus both, and we talked about it after
she shared her experience, was likefor me to ask a more specific question.
Because to your point, unless we'vealready normalized that depth,
(11:42):
that type of questioning, it's notsomething that we can expect kids
to bring forward on their own.
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (11:48):
And think back to when you were a kid, like for those
who are listening like moms, we'veall had that moment where as a young
adult, you went through something,you hid it from your parents, and
then eventually when they did findout, you were like, oh my God, you
weren't mad that X, Y, Z happened.
(12:08):
You weren't mad that Idid blah, blah, blah.
And I think sometimes as young people,we forget that our parents are on our
side, but there's this fear of, youknow, I'm gonna be rejected, I'm gonna
get in trouble, I'm gonna be judged,I'm gonna be, you know, I'm gonna be
looked at differently because of X, Y, Z.
When in reality we've allbeen 13, 14, 15, once.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (12:32):
Yeah.
Getting in front of those conversations,I'm reminded of, a previous guest
I had on you know, sexual assaultfor instance, is very uncomfortable
for so many people to talk about.
But, if we don't say, youare not at fault.
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (12:50):
Yeah.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (12:50):
them and making it clear that that's your belief and
that's your stance, and that's the truth.
That they can walk into a situation orbe a victim and then not feel comfortable
coming forward because no one's ever toldthem, they've never heard that dialogue.
I love that you're reminding and,and really informing people about
this need to have uncomfortableconversations and get in front of them.
(13:12):
It's just like you said, it is, Ithink your words were that it, we're
doing them a disservice if we don't
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (13:18):
a hundred percent.
And what you said about the specificquestions, it reminds me, you know, when
I worked in the nonprofit world and I'dgo into these events and I'd speak to
all these parents and grandparents, Iwould be in a room of like a hundred, 200
people and I would say like, who's here?
Like who here?
Like has kids, your grandchildrenwho experience antisemitism?
(13:38):
And you know, sometimes like noneof them would raise their hand.
And then I would then say to them,okay, now raise your hand if you
have actually asked your child,your child or grandchild, have
you experienced antisemitism?
And usually only like two or three, likeless than a dozen hands would go up.
Because again, it goes back to this ideaof you know, we know that this is bad and
(14:02):
if our young person experiences somethingbad, then they're just gonna tell us.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (14:06):
Mm-hmm.
I think kind of related to that,as parents, we might wanna believe
that it's not gonna happen.
And so on some level, we kind of don'twanna introduce an idea that might,
ruin their child's experience of theworld and introduce this idea that
feels negative and dark and gross.
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (14:25):
I'll tell you another place where that showed up.
This idea of, you know, like we don'twant our children to know, about the
world and, and the darkness is, theonly other post I've ever put up that
like got so much controversy was theday after the school shooting happened
in Texas, a friend of mine who's asingle mom, she's out of the country,
(14:46):
she asked me to drive her son to school.
And as I'm driving her seven year oldschool, we're talking about what happened
in Texas and we're talking about, what todo if a shooter comes to the school cuz
they do have these active shooter drillsand we're talking about, you know, how
lucky he is to be at a safe school andthat there's security, you know, and after
(15:07):
I dropped him off, I've had this feelingof just like, is this what every parent
is feeling when they drop their childrenoff now at school with, you know, all of
these shootings now being in the news.
So I wrote this post about whathad happened and how I had talked
to my friend's son about it.
And to go back to your point of someparents believe that sheltering
(15:30):
our children is going to givethem a more beautiful childhood.
The amount of parents who startedyelling at me about how dare you speak to
somebody else's child, I refused to tellmy children about the school shootings
and, you know, some of them, some ofthe comments even got very hateful.
But going back to this idea of.
(15:51):
No matter how old these kids are, ifthey're in school, they are having
shooter drills and then to some degreetheir classmates are talking about it,
their teachers are talking about it, andif we want our children to trust us, as
the adult that he look up, looks up to?
Like, for me, it made me feel like if Iwere to just drop him off and not talk
(16:17):
about anything that happened, That hewould have a weakened confidence in me.
Like, how come, how, how come Raynadidn't tell me about this morning?
How come I didn't?
Why am I just now knowing this?
And, and that's a, that's a worse feelingthan, you know, we've all in our lives,
been in a situation where we've heardsomething from someone else before
(16:41):
it came from someone that we loved.
No matter how difficult the newswas, it almost stings more when
we heard it from somebody else,how did you wait to tell me?
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (16:52):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I, you know, I mean, it may evensound simplistic, but even Santa
Claus, like I've heard of so manyparents grappling with the fact that
their kid finds out from anotherkid at school about Santa Claus.
And you know, and yeah, there'sa violation of trust there.
I think it's, in one of our earlierconversations, you had used the
(17:13):
phrase, the cost of silence.
And I think all parents really needto think about when we don't speak, we
intentionally don't speak about something.
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (17:23):
Yeah.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (17:23):
What, at what cost it has the potential
to weaken that sense of safety andtrust between you and your child or
you and the children in your life.
yeah, absolutely.
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (17:35):
And I'll tell you too, like, not even just with tough
topics, you know, I love my mom anddad, like, any relationship, you have
some really great things and you know,you also have like some challenges.
I remember like when I was younger,something happened and I said to my
dad, like, dad, don't you remember?
And like my dad got really mad at me, hescreamed at me and I never forgot it.
(18:00):
Cuz especially if he never getsmad and it's one of the few times
he got mad, like I remember it.
I just was like so angry at him,like, he's so mean, da da, da da, da.
And I lost my dad a couple years ago,but on this last trip where I was
with my family in Ecuador, my oldestbrother, Donnie, we were talking about
something and he starts laughing andhe goes, I don't know if you remember
(18:24):
the time, but you said something todad about, like, do you remember?
And he screamed at you.
He goes, dad told me about it andhe felt so bad that he did that.
And I'm laughing now with tearsas I'm telling you the story.
It wasn't so funny when I was 10years old or, or however it was.
(18:47):
But it's interesting because I wishmy dad at some point had come back
to me and said like, Rayna rose, I'msorry, I lost my temper yesterday.
Like, you know what I mean?
To hear that from my brother, it waskind of like this reminder of like, holy
shit, like my dad was an amazing guy.
(19:07):
Like I love him, but I always washolding onto the resentment from that one
conversation only to learn, you know, 20years later, my dad felt bad about it too.
Like we were both, we both feltbad about the conversation, but we
didn't, you know, ever reconnect.
So something that I didn't do with,with my parents, something I got from,
(19:30):
a woman named Dara Kurtz, she doesit, she did it with her daughter.
She wrote a book about it, is this ideaof keeping a journal with your kids.
Sometimes it's really easyto remember, the arguments.
It's not always so easy to remember, youknow, the positive things and this idea
that, if there are things that you canwrite in the journal like, Hey, I'm really
(19:51):
sorry about what happened the other day.
Like it just came up for me.
Cuz also as parents, weremoving on to the next thing.
You know, my dad could have verywell thought, Okay, I'm gonna bring
this up to her only for like amillion other things to come up and
it, and it to be, just organicallyshifted out of the priority list.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Yeah, I love that idea. (20:10):
undefined
If we leave it to chance or, and onlyverbal conversations, those windows of
opportunity can be rare and infrequent.
And who knows if the, if we'll remember.
So having another mechanism to communicatethose thoughts and ideas to your kids
that can be there for when they're ableto access it or whenever they want to.
(20:31):
Uh, makes so much sense.
. Rayna Rose Exeibierd: Like I know you said you have two, two daughters
and it's, you know, reminding themlike, you did so beautiful yesterday.
Or like, watching you tutor yourfriend, you know, and them getting
an a on on their test was amazing.
Or, I love that you cleanedup the table last night.
You know, these little thingsthat like, we think about.
(20:52):
a compliment.
I mean, not just with a child.
A compliment goes a long way.
with anyone.
But we live in a world where we're,and again, I'm, I know we're talking
about teens, but these issues arereally relevant to, to everyone,
and we live in the society wherewe're, we're constantly being judged.
We're constantly comparing ourselves.
So the more that we can, you know,use tough conversation, not only to
(21:16):
to make our kids stronger, but alsoreinforce how strong they already
are.
It goes, it goes such a long way.
You know, I went to a woman's conferencewhere one of the segments was turn to the
woman next to you and talk how you speakto yourself in the mirror and hearing
(21:38):
some of the terrible things that thesewomen said to themselves about how dumb
you are and how could you even try like,Don't get me wrong, I'm not always like
super nice to myself, but I had to call mymom afterwards and, and thank her because
I realized, like my mom telling me mywhole life, be for Rayna, be independent.
Like, I used to think it was kindof annoying, but then when I was in
(22:01):
an arena with 4,000 women and, andI heard some of the terrible things
that they tell themselves every day.
I had to thank my mom for giving me thatgift, and I echo that to the moms who are
listening that, you know, even if you feellike you're, you're a broken record, like
my mom telling me, every day be for Rayna.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (22:23):
Hmm.
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (22:24):
As I grow older and I go through different
challenges, it takes on new meanings,but it's a mantra that has really,
really, really served me well.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (22:33):
Hmm.
Thank you.
That is actually, I was goingto ask as we kind of drew to a
close for a favorite quote or afavorite, you know, affirmation.
and you're welcome to shareone, but that actually resonated
with me on a really deep level.
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (22:50):
I love that.
Yeah.
be for, Rayna.
And an another one is,don't dimmer your shimmer.
There's gonna be peoplewho, are not your people.
And when you focus on people whoaren't your people, it brings you
down, it makes you less creative.
just realize that sometimes whatpeople are bringing you down for.
(23:11):
Most of the time, 99.99999% of the peoplein your life love you for those reasons.
And so don't change because ultimatelyif what you believe in is true to you.
Everything in your life will alignand eventually the people you know who
(23:32):
truly love you, they'll support you.
And most importantly, the peoplewho were there from the beginning,
you'll know that those people wereyour true support system, whether
they were your family members or not.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Oh, I love that, Rayna. (23:44):
undefined
thank you so much.
Such a pleasure having you.
When Reyna shared how she heard"Be for Rayna" all the time.
What I heard was a constant push forher to love and prioritize herself,
which just sounds so amazing.
It's a simple daily reminder thatshe shouldn't put herself down.
(24:08):
She should lift herself up,that she's worth fighting for.
And that her voice matters.
I definitely want to say thingslike that to my daughters.
I praise them.
I support them.
I encourage them.
And this reminded me that I also wantthem to be able to do that for themselves.
So good.
In any event, here are my topfive takeaways from this episode.
(24:32):
Number one.
When facing uncomfortable conversations,it's important to remain calm.
Responding in anger or frustration maynot lead to productive discussions.
It's okay, and a good thing to hit.
Pause, process your emotions, andrespond at a time when you can have
a more constructive conversation.
Number two.
Listen, if you want peopleto hear what you have to say,
(24:55):
you have to listen to them.
Well, you have to makespace for others to speak.
If you want them to giveyou that same respect back.
And this applies to our kids too.
Number three.
Asking specific questions is essentialfor creating open lines of communication.
Instead of asking vague questions aboutour kids or how someone is, delve
(25:18):
deeper by asking about experiencesfavorite highlights or any challenges?
They might've faced during the day.
Number four.
Sheltering childrenfrom challenging topics.
Does them a disservice.
It's important to introduce ageappropriate discussions about issues
like sexual assault or violence so thatkids feel comfortable coming forward if
(25:40):
they encounter those kinds of situations.
Think of it this way.
If you don't say something onthe topic, there's a good chance.
They will assume you can'tor don't want to discuss it.
And that may keep them from sharing thingsthat you absolutely want and need to know.
Number five.
In thinking about saying thehard things, remember to say
(26:01):
and capture the good things too.
Compliment your kids.
Praise them for their strengthsand how they navigate struggles.
And remind them to be for themselves.
By instilling the sense of self-worthwe're giving our kids a vital
tool that will help them navigatelife's challenges confidently.
(26:22):
To learn more about Reyna andall of the work that she does.
You can follow her on Instagramat the rose grows dot T R G.
She's also the rose grows onall social media platforms.
You can find her on LinkedIn,Raina, rose XL, veered.
And she has the rose grows podcast.
(26:43):
Rayna also recently releasedher second book, the girl
who wore two different shoes.
So if you Google that I'm sure you'llfind more information about her.
You can also find all ofthese links in the show notes.
Thank you so much for listening.
I know you make choices in whatyou choose to bring into your life
and being busy and mindful myself.
I don't take those decisions lightly.
(27:04):
So it means a lot.
I appreciate you.
And I'm celebrating you for showingup and incorporating these tools
and findings in your own lives.
If you haven't already do followor subscribe to the podcast,
leave a rating and follow atno be raised them on Instagram.
Thank you again for listening.
And here's to strong women.
(27:25):
May we know them?
May we be them?
And may we raise them?
Welcome to know them.
Be them, raise them a show tohelp busy, mindful growth oriented
moms stay informed and inspired,especially as they're navigating
their daughters tween and teen years.
I'm Carmelita too, anunapologetic multihyphenate.
I'm a mom of two girls, a wife, acertified life coach focusing on
(00:23):
holistic personal development formulti-passionate impact driven women.
Also an attorney forcreatives and a podcast host.
I love having conversations about howwe can live and parent, and relate to
one another with intention, not justby sharing ideas, but also by sharing
actionable advice on how to move forward.
(00:45):
Today's episode centers on communication,conversations, What we choose to
say or not to say, and what impactand ripple effect that might have
on our lives and our relationships.
Here's the conversation.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (01:04):
My guest today is Rayna Rose Exelbierd and.
I'm just so excited to have her here.
Without further ado, I wouldlove Rayna for you to tell
us a little about yourself.
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (01:17):
Hi Cat.
Thank you so much forhaving me on the pod.
I am so excited to know them, be them,and most importantly, raise them.
Um,
I am the youngest in my family.
I have three older brothers.
Rayna means queen in Spanish andcertainly, through life experiences,
I've seen that my name, has reallymanifested as I get older and
(01:41):
grow into that confident woman.
I'm a motivational speaker.
I am an author.
I'm a connector.
And most importantly,I believe in kindness.
I think that kindness andconnection are the most beautiful
gifts you can give anyone.
And from there you can really doanything, and make anything happen.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (02:02):
Mm mm I, also am a huge fan of promoting this
idea of kindness, even if that may mean.
Kind of having to take your stand forsomething or maybe putting yourself
in an uncomfortable position, right?
Because I think especially for womenand girls, this idea of NICE is
(02:23):
perpetuated, whether consciously or not.
So I know some of your work and whatyou've talked about in the past relates to
this idea of uncomfortable conversations.
Can you tell us a little moreabout how you approach them and
what you encourage your teensand others to do when you speak?
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (02:42):
Totally.
So first and foremost, my career startedbecause as the granddaughter of Holocaust
survivors as a Jewish girl from Memphis,Tennessee, I was really surprised to
experience antisemitism for the veryfirst time when I started going to college
in Boca Raton, which is a city that isprimarily Jewish, for those listening.
(03:06):
And it really challenged my idea ofmy identity because at first I knew
what people were saying weren't true,but I really didn't have like the
information, or the knowledge tobe able to support what I was saying
outside of my life experiences.
And at first, when I was going throughthe anti-Semitism, you know, my response
(03:29):
was like, Crying, raising my voice,telling people that they were wrong.
And not only did that not leadto another conversation, but most
importantly, the people who werewatching me have these discussions with
some of these bullies on my campus.
From the outside, they didn't knowwhat either one of us were thinking.
(03:53):
They saw one person calm,they saw me freaking out.
So one of the first things Ilearned when it comes to facing
uncomfortable conversation isyou really have to be calm.
Sometimes that means if you're feelingmore, sad or or angry in that moment
(04:13):
maybe writing down your feelings andhaving the actual conversation later.
I also learned this at my old job.
You know, sometimes things come up andwe get really tense and we don't know
what the other person is, is thinking ordoing on the other side of the laptop,
you know, on the other side of the screen.
It's really easy sometimes for us tosend that snarky email back before even
(04:37):
realizing like, you are having a bad day.
So you responded from the placeof being angry, whereas the other
person is, they have no idea.
You know, the best way that I can connectthat is when people get really upset,
when someone cuts 'em off in trafficand they're still talking about it
(04:58):
and they're still screaming about it.
The person forgot about you.
Like as soon as they cut you off, likeliterally you didn't exist anymore,
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (05:07):
Right.
They may not even haveknown they cut you off.
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (05:10):
Exactly.
So I think number one, making sure thatyou're calm and number two, making sure
to respond at a time where like you havea lot more clarity emotionally and I'll
tell you, in business, sometimes I getso excited when people wanna hire me to
speak, that when I respond right away,I'm actually like underselling myself.
(05:32):
Whereas sometimes if I had taken thattime to wait, think about it, do a
little bit of research, you know,the value for, for what I'm able
to provide , can, be much stronger.
And the other big thing too that Iwant to touch on with uncomfortable
conversation is, you know, when I havedifferent life experiences with Uber
(05:52):
drivers or strangers at the grocerystore, I always like to write up
these different things that I learnand lessons that have come up for me.
And, during Covid I found myself sharinga lot of these stories into different
Facebook groups that I participate in.
The biggest thing that I love aboutwhen I share these stories is people
share different perspectives, tipsand tricks that work for them,
(06:16):
and it really promotes engagement.
One of the things that I had mentionedto you was in all the posts that I've
ever created, there were two posts that Imade that seemed to cause a lot of drama,
and really brought up this conversationof what do we tell our children?
How do we tell our children?
And what should we betelling our children?
(06:39):
And the, two topics were.
On, one post, I was mentoring studentsonline, helping students build confidence
through leadership, communicationtraining, helping them apply their skills
and gifts towards different projects.
And, I'd actually been participating ina mastermind leading up to that call.
(07:01):
We had this speaker in the Mastermind andone of the things he was talking about was
how important it is when you're listening.
Add a couple seconds to like your pause.
count to 10 before you,you start speaking.
And so I went into this mentorship sessionwith a teenager and we were talking,
(07:21):
and I was really being intentionalabout this idea of listening more.
Right?
Because the other thing too, froma psychological standpoint, If you
want people to hear what you haveto say, you have to really listen
to people first in order for themto give you that same respect back.
And I remember I was meeting withthis teenager, we'd been on the call
(07:42):
for an hour and there's one minuteleft in the call and she just like
casually disclosed that, Someonein her family, had said something
inappropriate to her and had broughtup this idea that they could be sexual
together if she wanted to experiment.
And this was an adult whosaid this to a teenager.
(08:04):
And in that moment, I said, first Isaid, you know, am I the first person
that you're, you're telling this to?
And she said, yes.
So then I paused.
And, you know, I started to explain to herthat, this is illegal and that, you know,
I would never violate your trust, but thisis something that your mom has to know.
(08:28):
Like, are you gonna tell your mom?
Am I gonna tell your mom?
And we really talked through it.
And as we talk about like this,you know, this idea of approaching,
uncomfortable conversations, one.
truly believe if I wasn't focused on beinga more intentional listener that day, I
don't think she would have shared that.
(08:49):
And number two, my first response, andI'm a little ashamed to admit it, but
my first response when this happened,after I started talking to some people
in my network, I said, oh, you know, I'veworked in the Jewish world for so long.
I just, you know,
It's the first time I've been around it.
And one of my friends pointed out tome, no Rayna, this isn't the first
time that you've been around it.
Because this is an issue thataffects people of all backgrounds.
(09:12):
This is the first time that you havebeen around a child who felt comfortable,
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (09:16):
Mm
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (09:17):
share that with you.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (09:18):
mm.
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (09:19):
And in that moment, that's when I realized like,
I have mentored thousands of kids.
I've been in hundreds of schools.
And you're right.
So you know, I made this post insome of these bond groups I'm in
of, hey, like, You know, these aresome signs that you can look for.
This is the experience that happenedto me and this is a conversation you
(09:40):
should be having, with your children.
And the amount of negative feedbackthat I got from parents on, you
know, how dare you bring this up.
I got messages from moderatorsabout we had to take the post down
because it was upsetting parents and.
I mentioned that issue because again,we know that this is something that's
(10:02):
happening in the world, and thisidea of if we don't talk about it
or if we don't tell our daughtersabout it, then we're protecting them.
We're actually doing them a disservicebecause if we don't prepare our
children to be able to speak up aboutthese things and we don't ask them about
these things, cuz we think like, okay,I'm not gonna mention it to my child,
(10:26):
but if God forbid they experience this,then I know that they're gonna come
and they're gonna tell me about it.
And, and the truth is, you can'texpect a young person to just tell you
something because it was a challengefor them or it meant something for them.
It's really up to us to ask goodquestions, meaningful questions,
(10:47):
and to really listen and bepatient so that they can take the
conversation where they want it to go.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (10:55):
100%.
as you were speaking, I was remindedof a scenario with my own daughter
where, I didn't think to ask avery direct question, I would ask
questions about her day, on a scaleof one to 10, what's your mood?
things like that.
and thankfully that's laid the groundworkfor many open conversations, but it
(11:15):
wasn't until, she had already experiencedsomething that in retrospect, wish I had.
She had approached meabout sooner, and she.
made me realize that what would helpus both, and we talked about it after
she shared her experience, was likefor me to ask a more specific question.
Because to your point, unless we'vealready normalized that depth,
(11:42):
that type of questioning, it's notsomething that we can expect kids
to bring forward on their own.
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (11:48):
And think back to when you were a kid, like for those
who are listening like moms, we'veall had that moment where as a young
adult, you went through something,you hid it from your parents, and
then eventually when they did findout, you were like, oh my God, you
weren't mad that X, Y, Z happened.
(12:08):
You weren't mad that Idid blah, blah, blah.
And I think sometimes as young people,we forget that our parents are on our
side, but there's this fear of, youknow, I'm gonna be rejected, I'm gonna
get in trouble, I'm gonna be judged,I'm gonna be, you know, I'm gonna be
looked at differently because of X, Y, Z.
When in reality we've allbeen 13, 14, 15, once.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (12:32):
Yeah.
Getting in front of those conversations,I'm reminded of, a previous guest
I had on you know, sexual assaultfor instance, is very uncomfortable
for so many people to talk about.
But, if we don't say, youare not at fault.
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (12:50):
Yeah.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (12:50):
them and making it clear that that's your belief and
that's your stance, and that's the truth.
That they can walk into a situation orbe a victim and then not feel comfortable
coming forward because no one's ever toldthem, they've never heard that dialogue.
I love that you're reminding and,and really informing people about
this need to have uncomfortableconversations and get in front of them.
(13:12):
It's just like you said, it is, Ithink your words were that it, we're
doing them a disservice if we don't
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (13:18):
a hundred percent.
And what you said about the specificquestions, it reminds me, you know, when
I worked in the nonprofit world and I'dgo into these events and I'd speak to
all these parents and grandparents, Iwould be in a room of like a hundred, 200
people and I would say like, who's here?
Like who here?
Like has kids, your grandchildrenwho experience antisemitism?
(13:38):
And you know, sometimes like noneof them would raise their hand.
And then I would then say to them,okay, now raise your hand if you
have actually asked your child,your child or grandchild, have
you experienced antisemitism?
And usually only like two or three, likeless than a dozen hands would go up.
Because again, it goes back to this ideaof you know, we know that this is bad and
(14:02):
if our young person experiences somethingbad, then they're just gonna tell us.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (14:06):
Mm-hmm.
I think kind of related to that,as parents, we might wanna believe
that it's not gonna happen.
And so on some level, we kind of don'twanna introduce an idea that might,
ruin their child's experience of theworld and introduce this idea that
feels negative and dark and gross.
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (14:25):
I'll tell you another place where that showed up.
This idea of, you know, like we don'twant our children to know, about the
world and, and the darkness is, theonly other post I've ever put up that
like got so much controversy was theday after the school shooting happened
in Texas, a friend of mine who's asingle mom, she's out of the country,
(14:46):
she asked me to drive her son to school.
And as I'm driving her seven year oldschool, we're talking about what happened
in Texas and we're talking about, what todo if a shooter comes to the school cuz
they do have these active shooter drillsand we're talking about, you know, how
lucky he is to be at a safe school andthat there's security, you know, and after
(15:07):
I dropped him off, I've had this feelingof just like, is this what every parent
is feeling when they drop their childrenoff now at school with, you know, all of
these shootings now being in the news.
So I wrote this post about whathad happened and how I had talked
to my friend's son about it.
And to go back to your point of someparents believe that sheltering
(15:30):
our children is going to givethem a more beautiful childhood.
The amount of parents who startedyelling at me about how dare you speak to
somebody else's child, I refused to tellmy children about the school shootings
and, you know, some of them, some ofthe comments even got very hateful.
But going back to this idea of.
(15:51):
No matter how old these kids are, ifthey're in school, they are having
shooter drills and then to some degreetheir classmates are talking about it,
their teachers are talking about it, andif we want our children to trust us, as
the adult that he look up, looks up to?
Like, for me, it made me feel like if Iwere to just drop him off and not talk
(16:17):
about anything that happened, That hewould have a weakened confidence in me.
Like, how come, how, how come Raynadidn't tell me about this morning?
How come I didn't?
Why am I just now knowing this?
And, and that's a, that's a worse feelingthan, you know, we've all in our lives,
been in a situation where we've heardsomething from someone else before
(16:41):
it came from someone that we loved.
No matter how difficult the newswas, it almost stings more when
we heard it from somebody else,how did you wait to tell me?
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (16:52):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I, you know, I mean, it may evensound simplistic, but even Santa
Claus, like I've heard of so manyparents grappling with the fact that
their kid finds out from anotherkid at school about Santa Claus.
And you know, and yeah, there'sa violation of trust there.
I think it's, in one of our earlierconversations, you had used the
(17:13):
phrase, the cost of silence.
And I think all parents really needto think about when we don't speak, we
intentionally don't speak about something.
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (17:23):
Yeah.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (17:23):
What, at what cost it has the potential
to weaken that sense of safety andtrust between you and your child or
you and the children in your life.
yeah, absolutely.
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (17:35):
And I'll tell you too, like, not even just with tough
topics, you know, I love my mom anddad, like, any relationship, you have
some really great things and you know,you also have like some challenges.
I remember like when I was younger,something happened and I said to my
dad, like, dad, don't you remember?
And like my dad got really mad at me, hescreamed at me and I never forgot it.
(18:00):
Cuz especially if he never getsmad and it's one of the few times
he got mad, like I remember it.
I just was like so angry at him,like, he's so mean, da da, da da, da.
And I lost my dad a couple years ago,but on this last trip where I was
with my family in Ecuador, my oldestbrother, Donnie, we were talking about
something and he starts laughing andhe goes, I don't know if you remember
(18:24):
the time, but you said something todad about, like, do you remember?
And he screamed at you.
He goes, dad told me about it andhe felt so bad that he did that.
And I'm laughing now with tearsas I'm telling you the story.
It wasn't so funny when I was 10years old or, or however it was.
(18:47):
But it's interesting because I wishmy dad at some point had come back
to me and said like, Rayna rose, I'msorry, I lost my temper yesterday.
Like, you know what I mean?
To hear that from my brother, it waskind of like this reminder of like, holy
shit, like my dad was an amazing guy.
(19:07):
Like I love him, but I always washolding onto the resentment from that one
conversation only to learn, you know, 20years later, my dad felt bad about it too.
Like we were both, we both feltbad about the conversation, but we
didn't, you know, ever reconnect.
So something that I didn't do with,with my parents, something I got from,
(19:30):
a woman named Dara Kurtz, she doesit, she did it with her daughter.
She wrote a book about it, is this ideaof keeping a journal with your kids.
Sometimes it's really easyto remember, the arguments.
It's not always so easy to remember, youknow, the positive things and this idea
that, if there are things that you canwrite in the journal like, Hey, I'm really
(19:51):
sorry about what happened the other day.
Like it just came up for me.
Cuz also as parents, weremoving on to the next thing.
You know, my dad could have verywell thought, Okay, I'm gonna bring
this up to her only for like amillion other things to come up and
it, and it to be, just organicallyshifted out of the priority list.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Yeah, I love that idea. (20:10):
undefined
If we leave it to chance or, and onlyverbal conversations, those windows of
opportunity can be rare and infrequent.
And who knows if the, if we'll remember.
So having another mechanism to communicatethose thoughts and ideas to your kids
that can be there for when they're ableto access it or whenever they want to.
(20:31):
Uh, makes so much sense.
. Rayna Rose Exeibierd: Like I know you said you have two, two daughters
and it's, you know, reminding themlike, you did so beautiful yesterday.
Or like, watching you tutor yourfriend, you know, and them getting
an a on on their test was amazing.
Or, I love that you cleanedup the table last night.
You know, these little thingsthat like, we think about.
(20:52):
a compliment.
I mean, not just with a child.
A compliment goes a long way.
with anyone.
But we live in a world where we're,and again, I'm, I know we're talking
about teens, but these issues arereally relevant to, to everyone,
and we live in the society wherewe're, we're constantly being judged.
We're constantly comparing ourselves.
So the more that we can, you know,use tough conversation, not only to
(21:16):
to make our kids stronger, but alsoreinforce how strong they already
are.
It goes, it goes such a long way.
You know, I went to a woman's conferencewhere one of the segments was turn to the
woman next to you and talk how you speakto yourself in the mirror and hearing
(21:38):
some of the terrible things that thesewomen said to themselves about how dumb
you are and how could you even try like,Don't get me wrong, I'm not always like
super nice to myself, but I had to call mymom afterwards and, and thank her because
I realized, like my mom telling me mywhole life, be for Rayna, be independent.
Like, I used to think it was kindof annoying, but then when I was in
(22:01):
an arena with 4,000 women and, andI heard some of the terrible things
that they tell themselves every day.
I had to thank my mom for giving me thatgift, and I echo that to the moms who are
listening that, you know, even if you feellike you're, you're a broken record, like
my mom telling me, every day be for Rayna.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (22:23):
Hmm.
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (22:24):
As I grow older and I go through different
challenges, it takes on new meanings,but it's a mantra that has really,
really, really served me well.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host (22:33):
Hmm.
Thank you.
That is actually, I was goingto ask as we kind of drew to a
close for a favorite quote or afavorite, you know, affirmation.
and you're welcome to shareone, but that actually resonated
with me on a really deep level.
Rayna Rose Exeibierd (22:50):
I love that.
Yeah.
be for, Rayna.
And an another one is,don't dimmer your shimmer.
There's gonna be peoplewho, are not your people.
And when you focus on people whoaren't your people, it brings you
down, it makes you less creative.
just realize that sometimes whatpeople are bringing you down for.
(23:11):
Most of the time, 99.99999% of the peoplein your life love you for those reasons.
And so don't change because ultimatelyif what you believe in is true to you.
Everything in your life will alignand eventually the people you know who
(23:32):
truly love you, they'll support you.
And most importantly, the peoplewho were there from the beginning,
you'll know that those people wereyour true support system, whether
they were your family members or not.
Carmelita (Cat) Tiu, Host: Oh, I love that, Rayna. (23:44):
undefined
thank you so much.
Such a pleasure having you.
When Reyna shared how she heard"Be for Rayna" all the time.
What I heard was a constant push forher to love and prioritize herself,
which just sounds so amazing.
It's a simple daily reminder thatshe shouldn't put herself down.
(24:08):
She should lift herself up,that she's worth fighting for.
And that her voice matters.
I definitely want to say thingslike that to my daughters.
I praise them.
I support them.
I encourage them.
And this reminded me that I also wantthem to be able to do that for themselves.
So good.
In any event, here are my topfive takeaways from this episode.
(24:32):
Number one.
When facing uncomfortable conversations,it's important to remain calm.
Responding in anger or frustration maynot lead to productive discussions.
It's okay, and a good thing to hit.
Pause, process your emotions, andrespond at a time when you can have
a more constructive conversation.
Number two.
Listen, if you want peopleto hear what you have to say,
(24:55):
you have to listen to them.
Well, you have to makespace for others to speak.
If you want them to giveyou that same respect back.
And this applies to our kids too.
Number three.
Asking specific questions is essentialfor creating open lines of communication.
Instead of asking vague questions aboutour kids or how someone is, delve
(25:18):
deeper by asking about experiencesfavorite highlights or any challenges?
They might've faced during the day.
Number four.
Sheltering childrenfrom challenging topics.
Does them a disservice.
It's important to introduce ageappropriate discussions about issues
like sexual assault or violence so thatkids feel comfortable coming forward if
(25:40):
they encounter those kinds of situations.
Think of it this way.
If you don't say something onthe topic, there's a good chance.
They will assume you can'tor don't want to discuss it.
And that may keep them from sharing thingsthat you absolutely want and need to know.
Number five.
In thinking about saying thehard things, remember to say
(26:01):
and capture the good things too.
Compliment your kids.
Praise them for their strengthsand how they navigate struggles.
And remind them to be for themselves.
By instilling the sense of self-worthwe're giving our kids a vital
tool that will help them navigatelife's challenges confidently.
(26:22):
To learn more about Reyna andall of the work that she does.
You can follow her on Instagramat the rose grows dot T R G.
She's also the rose grows onall social media platforms.
You can find her on LinkedIn,Raina, rose XL, veered.
And she has the rose grows podcast.
(26:43):
Rayna also recently releasedher second book, the girl
who wore two different shoes.
So if you Google that I'm sure you'llfind more information about her.
You can also find all ofthese links in the show notes.
Thank you so much for listening.
I know you make choices in whatyou choose to bring into your life
and being busy and mindful myself.
I don't take those decisions lightly.
(27:04):
So it means a lot.
I appreciate you.
And I'm celebrating you for showingup and incorporating these tools
and findings in your own lives.
If you haven't already do followor subscribe to the podcast,
leave a rating and follow atno be raised them on Instagram.
Thank you again for listening.
And here's to strong women.
(27:25):
May we know them?
May we be them?
And may we raise them?
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