September 30, 2023 • 40 mins
We all experience life and it's brutal scars, whether its from childhood, adolescence, or into adulthood. We can be traumatized by relationships, fallen dreams, or abandonment and left wondering how to grieve these unfortunate circumstances. Life is for living, but how are we supposed to live through disappointment or situations that we thought we would never survive? Come with me and two of my best friends on planet earth to explore some of life's most traumatizing scars, and how we navigate our healing process. Buckle up, because we are definitely going to take you on a ride through our exploration! Please, take what you need. Xoxoxoxoxoxo.
Blessings,
ThaPrettyRebel
With Peace & Love,
ThaPrettyRebel
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
welcome back to crown coach ofthe podcast if this is your
first time joining us.
Thank you so much Welcome to thefamily the crown family.
We're super excited to have youToday we're going to dive into
some amazing things.
,if you are returning, wewelcome you back.
You know how we get down here atthe Crown Family.
So today I actually get to dothis wonderful episode with my
(00:21):
two best friends.
We've got Jordan, we've gotSydney, my favorite, favorite
best friends.
I mean, gosh, they literallyhelp me through everything.
I mean, they know because theyalways answer the phone when I
call.
Today we dive into life scarsand, you know, the truth about
trauma, grief, and healingundressed.
(00:42):
And I just am so thankful forthem because I did not want to
do this episode by myself.
Happy to dive into some thingslike grief, trauma, some of the
things that plague us ineveryday life, and how we carry
that weight, how we navigatethat weight, and maybe what are
some tips in...
What Sidney does, what Jordandoes to lift the heavy burdens
(01:05):
of life.
So I guess we can start withsome questions that I always
pose to myself like becausesometimes trauma changes people
and you know one minute you cango through life and Honestly
things can be sunny outside andthe next thing you know, here
comes the rain so what are somethings that you do as an
(01:27):
individual?
Some things that maybe you don'tlike, that when things trigger
you, you, maybe you get angry,you turn into a ball of fury.
That probably might be me.
Lord's still working on me.
But also, what are some thingsthat you're doing, through
grief?
Because some people thinkhealing is a linear process,
(01:49):
right?
Like, once you get over the humpof grief, they think that you're
supposed to just be like, Okay,I'm, I'm healed.
Everything is fine.
You know, but that's really notthe case.
So let's really dive into themeat of trauma Grief and how to
kind of bring that back fullcircle into our healing process.
So welcome ladies I'm supersuper happy to have y'all So I
(02:19):
guess I can start with someinformation about trauma Because
I feel like we don't really knowtoo much what trauma entails.
Right?
Like, we know things aretraumatic.
Whether that be when we'regrowing up with childhood
wounds, So, we will start withsome facts because I think these
topics are so heavy that I feellike a little education goes a
(02:41):
long way.
From the American PsychologicalAssociation I was able to do a
little research and they definetrauma as an emotional response,
to a terrible event, like anaccident, a sexual assault, a
natural disaster.
In other words, you can haveunpredictable emotions, you can
have flashbacks, shock, denial,while there are also different
(03:02):
variations of long termresponses.
You can have acute trauma, whichis more so like results of a
single incident.
You can suffer from chronictrauma, which is a series of
traumatic events,, and kind ofone piling on top of each other.
You can have complex trauma,where you can have a whole bunch
of different traumatic eventshitting you from all different
angles, and maybe you don'treally know how to handle it.
(03:23):
So, ladies, we've lived a lot oflife in here.
We're not old, though.
We've lived a lot of life, youknow, we've lived a lot of life
and I don't know whoever wantsto take a stab at this first,
but I guess how, first, whattraumatized you?
If you feel comfortable, ascomfortable, as vulnerable you
(03:45):
feel or as guarded as you feel,this is a safe space, of course.
So, what traumatized you andlooking in retrospect.
What effect did that have onyou?
I feel like yours is morerecent, Jordan.
I was going to say, do I need,do I, like, am I compelled to go
(04:05):
first?
I'll just go first.
What are we, 2023?
About three years ago, I was inan abusive relationship,
mentally and emotionally, and itstarted turning physical more
toward the end.
With someone who I personallybelieve has like, undiagnosed
narcissistic behavior disorder.,if that's the proper term.
(04:27):
But, an undiagnosed narcissist,really.
And that was, looking back onit, like, even the year later,
scary, like, super scary.
To think about all of thesituations that I was in and
like, how I was starting to havechronic pains and constant
headaches, I would wake up withthis raging stomachache every
(04:50):
morning, like, it was my anxietywas on ten, like, all the time.
Yeah.
I had insomnia really, reallybad and a whole bunch of stuff.
It was, it has been a lot torecover from.
I feel like now, being in a newrelationship finally with
another person, I'm workingthrough more than just what I
(05:11):
thought I healed with myself.
Like they tell you to do, likewith myself and by myself, it's
a lot.
Harder when you have to putthings into practice and I
noticed that I'm just scared.
I'm scared of a lot of thingsbecause the person that, did
these things to me prior to thisrelationship.
I never thought would dosomething like that.
(05:33):
Never thought would do any ofthose things.
Like I had a weapon pulled outon me and like in the moment I
wasn't thinking about it.
I was just really chest tochest.
In a situation, but sittingdown, I trembled thinking about
the fact that really could'vebeen super bad.
(05:54):
Super unsafe, just the situationitself was like, crazy to think
about.
Kinda like I wasn't living mylife actually, like I was just
going through it, and I waswatching myself, like, in a
movie.
Yeah.
So there's really some timeswhere I feel really down about
(06:17):
it.
I hate the things that I decidedto endure.
But I've decided to go back totherapy, and taking small baby
steps to get through it.
But I know it's something that'sgonna sit with me for a while
because it was something thatwas like love to pure pain.
And I didn't ever feel like Iwould be broke down that hard by
(06:39):
something that seemed like verysimple at first.
I'm sorry.
But we good.
We Gucci.
It just, it's not linear for me,for anyone, but definitely not
for me.
So ebbs and flows, ups anddowns, you know, you come back
home to yourself intentionallyevery day, which I'm still
(07:01):
working on that.
That's fair.
It doesn't have to be sooverwhelming to do it just when
you realize you're not in a safespace.
So that's what I've been tryingto practice through it.
But that is my big trauma pointthat range from about, I'm 26
(07:22):
now, so 22 to 24.
That was it, and I wouldn't havegotten out of it if it wasn't
for another friend.
So, yeah.
Thank you for sharing that.
Yeah, that, honestly, thatabuse, component is really hard
(07:44):
to come back from.
And so I'm glad that you're...
Looking to find your way backhome to yourself, and I love the
way that you said that about howit's hard.
Because I think peopleunderestimate how truly hard it
is.
But, I'm glad that you, you are.
I honestly think for me, God islike, when you talk too much
(08:05):
about something you don't knownothing about, I'ma show you
better than I can tell you.
And I think that I spoke toomuch in the past about how I
didn't understand specifically.
Domestic violence cases where itdidn't seem like there was like
actual harm physically beingdone.
And I'm like, so why don't youjust up and out that?
I remember saying that tomyself.
(08:27):
And then he was like, okay.
And I was in that situation andit was like two of me, one of me
watching myself do this and say,why are you not just getting up
and out?
And the other part being like,I'm frozen.
Like I'm scared.
I'm taken over by the situationand it was just very like, I'm
(08:48):
gonna shut my mouth when I don'tknow things.
And now I understand and notthat there was ever disrespect
given to those in domesticviolence situations, but uh,
most respect for people who canget themselves out, who can
have.
family or loved ones help themget out of the situation and
like they can still feel likethey push through because
(09:11):
sometimes it's hard and it'sscary to think like that's
coming back to me.
Yeah.
People always say oh that cannever be me until they're put in
that situation.
So like you said people don'tknow until like it happens to
them.
And they're shocked like whyreally is it can be by some you
(09:34):
can literally I used to alwayssay to People are like I don't
understand my son would neverhurt anybody just per example
Because that's who they knowthem as the person I was in love
with I didn't know them to beThat way at all, so I would
never fathom that.
I would never fathom either oneof you doing anything else But
that's what that feels like.
It's like someone you wouldnever think.
(09:56):
We're not just saying thatpeople bring out different sides
of people.
She didn't literally just saythat.
And so it's hard to wrap yourhead around this is what's going
on in this situation But yes itis.
And don't deny your gut feelingsat all.
No, definitely don't deny yourgut feelings.
What do you feel about that?
You know about that.
(10:17):
My intuition would be spot on.
It ain't pink, it is a red flag.
So, yeah.
And I don't play about that.
Once the Holy Spirit give it tome, No.
Ms.
Smith.
Yes.
Tell us a little bit about yourtraumatic experience.
The one that obviously is sofresh.
(10:40):
I just had a son.
His name is Nasir.
He'll be 7 months next week.
Yes.
Yes, my godson.
The whole birthing experience,let me just say, people don't
talk about, what really happensand, like, what really takes
place.
People on Instagram, they alwayspost, like, the good stuff or,
the during, but, not, like, whatactually happens.
(11:02):
or what could happen.
My, looking back on myexperience or just thinking
about it, like to me it feelslike a blur but I know that it
was like a long process.
The traumatic aspect was justthe unexpected c section.
Came in there, just beingmonitored for my blood pressure
(11:24):
to end up having my son thatnight.
Yeah.
I don't know.
It's just, I don't really likethinking back on it.
I was just in shock.
Once they told me that I washaving a c section, got the
epidural.
I just don't even reallyremember anything.
(11:46):
Yeah.
And I think that's the traumaticpart for me.
The one thing that I remember isthem pulling him out of my
stomach and then hearing himcry.
And then they just whisk himaway and I get to hear him cry
from across the room, but you'restill strapped to the table,
right?
So you can't even really holdyour child.
You just lay, I'm just layingthere, arms stretched out.
(12:07):
Yeah.
And then you're just waiting tobe sewed back up and you get to
like you, you feel it, but youdon't feel any pain.
So you feel like.
The organs being moved aroundand then like touching your
stomach, it's just a veryoverall traumatic experience.
And then just going throughthat, having all the health
(12:27):
issues that I had., I'll betransparent, I did have high
blood pressure and all of that.
So I was on medication, evenleaving the hospital.
Just overall, I just think that,Women need to be a little more
gracious with themselves.
And I think that's a part of myhealing.
(12:49):
I'm giving myself a lot ofgrace.
And that's one thing that I'mreally trying to work on.
my fiance, he does a really,really good job of reiterating
that to me.
And I think that's alsoimportant having utilize your
village.
Utilize your village.
You heard it here first.
Utilize your village.
Being postpartum, that's one ofthe biggest things that I'm
(13:11):
having to teach myself is usingmy people.
So life scars, but your peopleare showing up for you.
They are.
I just, for me personally, wehad this conversation, I just
need to speak up and be vocalabout what I need.
I keep things close to me.
(13:33):
You know that about me.
I do.
So she has to force me to, totell her stuff.
She'll ask me a million times ifI'm okay.
And it's like pulling teeth.
Yeah.
But I love her because I dorealize sometimes that what
trauma can do is it can back youinto a corner.
It can put you into a box andwhere you're, you feel small.
(13:54):
You feel like If I saysomething, then this is going to
end up worse for me, or whateveryou think the outcome is that's
not in your favor, and, youknow, learning, like, you're
like, everybody's like, no, Iwant to help you, and you're
like, oh my gosh, you really,touched on something about how
you were growing, going throughthe trauma, but you didn't
(14:15):
really feel it, and so I'm justlike, I want to really dive into
that because Sometimes whenwe're going through traumatic
experiences, we can just floatand it can just float us into
grief and grieving, but we don'talways end up grieving the way
we need to.
And so trauma and grief are tiedtogether because when you
(14:38):
experience trauma, you have togrieve, whether you're a quick
griever, whether you're someonewho's an inhibitor, you suppress
it, you push it down.
You're someone who, maybe you'rea delayed griever, right?
Like, you know, when you losepeople, and sometimes the demand
of burying someone whom youlove, or, you know, someone
(15:00):
who's now gone from your life,you're into this mode of
grieving, you're into this modeof action, you're into this mode
of, I have to get this done, andyou end up delaying.
Your grief and so then itdoesn't hit you until after the
fact so I Guess how did yougrieve these experiences that
(15:20):
help hold so much weight?
I didn't really grieve Mybirthing experience until I set
and I wrote it all down I wrotemy entire birthing experience
from beginning to end and thatwas my first step and really
kind of like Healing and feelinglike, okay, this happened to me.
(15:43):
How do I heal from that?
How do I move forward?
My son is here.
He's healthy.
That's just what I had to haveto think about.
And I would do it 10 times overjust to have him here and
healthy.
So yeah, that was my first stepwriting it all out.
And I think from there, justkind of taking things day by
(16:04):
day.
Has really helped me.
Every day looks different and Ijust had to come to terms with
that because you know, us asathletes, we're a Structured
person, like structured people,like we have to be on a schedule
and I think that also plays arole in my Anxiety and my
postpartum depression becauseevery day looks different for me
(16:25):
and that's just not what I'mused to.
So that's again a part of myheart, excuse me, healing and
relearning I love that.
I love that for her, y'all.
This is my girl.
We gon get it right.
We might not gon get it right.
(16:45):
I was cheering up over here, sothat's why I keep putting my,
because like I, I honestly wantto first like Jordan, always
applaud you for the fact thatyou went through that, I'm
trying not to get upset now, I'mthe crier, but you know, you
deserve the grace and Theempowerment that, like you
(17:07):
really did that and, you putyour life on the line for
another life and both of y'allare still here, so I love that
so much.
And the cutest, the cutest thingin the world.
Anyways.
They are both criers for, yeah.
For me, honestly, I had to tapinto things that I love.
(17:28):
So, because the relationshipThat was in Made Me Hate Myself,
essentially.
I, had to find the things that Iliked again, or tried to revert
back to, old things that I likedto do.
I was just talking about ityesterday, tapped into a show,
one, so that I didn't just...
(17:49):
Catastrophize everything thatwas going on in the time that I
was alone.
But golden girls, I get chillsin my bones when I hear thank
you for being a friend.
Like seriously, I love thatshow.
I tapped into a TV show.
(18:10):
I tapped into the things that Iliked, which I'm all about,
interior design and art andstuff like that.
So I honestly silently pledgedto myself that every four to six
weeks I'd change my apartmentaround, my room around to just
look different, feel differentto me so that I could feel like
I was in a different spacementally as I was progressing
(18:34):
through this, this portion ofhealing that I had to get
through.
So I relied on that, definitelygood laughs, because it's not a
linear thing, there are things Ifeel like I fall back on, that I
try to cover my feelings with,but when I realize that's what
I'm doing, I try to dig it backup, because the only way out of
(18:54):
it is through it, so, I gottalet the stuff pass through me, I
don't have to hold on to it, butI can let it pass through me,
Flow as it go, wherever it go.
I just tapped into the thingsthat I really love.
I put my head to the things thatI wanted to do.
I started doing the art that Ialways dreamed about doing.
(19:16):
And so I've kept that reallyclose to my heart.
And it's hard for me to includeeverybody else into that cause I
went into a little shell for it,but.
When I'm ready,, I'll share abunch of, the loves that I've
come back to with myself, witheverybody.
But, there was a lot of cominghome to myself, or trying to
(19:37):
teach myself, it does not haveto be hard.
So, Me Time, Golden Girls, andrearranging my room.
If that's what's gonna keep yougood, then that's what you do.
And I think, I've been sittinghere thinking about,, traumatic
experiences that have, totallyshaped me or altered, I think,
(20:01):
my trajectory or even the wiringof my brain.
And, I think the biggest onethat I think of is my college
basketball experience.
That really altered, me as aperson.
I was a high school standout,you know, top 60, in the
country, coming out likethinking I'm the heat, I'm
playing against the Asia Wilsonsof the world, you know what I
(20:23):
mean?
Like, I'm, I'm, I'm coming intothis experience and I just had a
black woman as a head coach.
I'm thinking this is the idealsituation.
And I think what they don't tellyou is what I found out.
Is that you can have someonetell you one thing and when you
get there, they're completelythe opposite person.
(20:45):
It was imposter syndrome times10, 000.
And every single day it was afight.
She knows.
A mental fight.
A mental fight every day.
We not even talking about thephysical, the practice and
everything else.
The mental aspect.
The mental.
And it was always me.
(21:06):
If you ever played on a team whohad a player whose name got
called the most, it was me.
That was me.
I was always the, the player onthe team.
I wouldn't even be in the playand it'd be like, no, not you,
Alex Brasha.
And then you sitting over therecracking up because it always
was me, but it wasn't me.
And so I had this woman who toldmy parents she would take care
(21:29):
of me, who told my parents shewould make sure that I grew.
As, as a woman, as someone whowas gonna be a productive member
and to going into society andwhen I got there Like when I was
there like in it like she didn'tdo none of that when I tell you
it was almost like she woke upevery day like how I'm gonna
make Bridget's life a uphillbattle impossible for her to
(21:53):
make it through.
I'm just gonna mess up her dayAnd even though she might not
have woke up and said that, itseemed like that's what she did.
Every practice, but I was alwaysthe person who brought players
in.
I was always the player who gotplayers to recruit.
I was always the mouthpiece.
I kept the grades up on theteam, I was the team captain, I
was like an octopus and I dideverything.
(22:14):
But she consistently made mefeel like I was not worthy.
She consistently made me feellike I was not worth nothing.
I had one of the coaches tell methat I was a waste of a
scholarship.
That someone else who was lessfortunate because my parents
were rich, they weren't, theyjust sacrificed.
But I was told that I didn'tdeserve that spot.
So I'm like, Oh, so how I get itthen.
(22:35):
But still it was the consistentreminder that I wasn't equipped
to be there.
And I trusted God in thosemoments because I knew that he
wouldn't put me in a place thathe wasn't going to bring me
through.
But.
It was really probably one ofthe most challenging things
because as a black woman, I wasthinking I was going to get a
mentor.
(22:56):
I was thinking I was going toget someone who was maybe like
an extension of my mom, but notmy mom.
And I didn't get that.
I was constantly ridiculed.
So for me, the way it showed upfor me as an adult is that like,
like my friends talk about howambitious I am.
How, like, I don't let nothingfall through the cracks, I don't
(23:17):
have no room for error.
I go after everything sowholeheartedly, and I'm always
there for my people because ofthis experience.
I don't ever want nobody to everfeel like that.
I'm pretty sure I'm praying thatshe's out of a job.
Because you have that muchimpact on a black woman's mind,
and you chose to use it for eviland not for good.
(23:39):
I won't reveal her name.
You can look up our stuffthough.
But still like that level oftrust that I had in her as a
high schooler going into collegeto experience.
I don't know what, I don't, Idon't know what it was.
I can't put my finger on itbecause I don't operate like
that.
But I can let you know that itreally messed me up and it took
me a long time to recover.
(24:02):
So how I've navigated instanceslike that, I think you could
look at relationships thatsometimes it takes a long time
for you to cut off, even ifyou're not being abused
physically, but it can take awhile.
I personally, people are like,why you didn't transfer?
Why you didn't do this?
You had these options, but thatwasn't the culture back then.
(24:22):
It wasn't, it was like the only,like you said, only way is
through.
And so that's how I figured itout.
That's why I persevere so much.
Now.
That's why I am so ambitious.
That's why I leave no room forerror.
That's why I am so intentionalbecause I have that constant
reminder in my mind that I'mgoing to prove my worth to
myself and to God.
Because that's all I answer to.
(24:43):
But it really, really hurt melike I'm 27 and it really hurt
me.
I'm still talking about it tothis day.
So, and she know.
More than anybody, cause she wasand she was right there, you
know, so, I think when we talkabout grieving, it can also be
the abrupt stop of, life as youknew, with a friend, they don't
(25:06):
have to pass away, they couldjust not do right by you, and
now you have to basicallyprotect yourself and cut them
off.
There's a lot of aspects,there's a lot of components,
there's a lot of, Different,variations of what we
experience.
I would say that I'm a bit morehealed from that experience now.
(25:27):
I'm trying not to be so rigid.
I hope I'm doing good, better.
It's all about how you grieve.
I'm a drill sergeant stillthough.
So how are you?
How have you let yourself grievethrough that?
Any opportunity I get, I don'tmiss.
It could be the smallestopportunity.
It could be just having aconversation with somebody.
(25:49):
I just don't miss opportunities.
Cause I feel like that was amissed opportunity.
I feel like, even though it wasno way I could alter the
outcome, I just feel like it wasa missed opportunity.
I feel like I had the potentialfor it to be so much better than
it wasn't.
And it was missed.
So I just don't missopportunities.
I seize every opportunity.
(26:10):
I wouldn't say it's how Igrieve, but I think grieving it
is just accepting it fully forwhat it was.
Not being bitter, not being,trying to talk about it or
nothing.
That was the best she knew howto do with what she had.
It wasn't that good, but thatwas the best, you know, what she
had to do.
And I feel like that's how Igrew that understanding that
(26:33):
people are where they are.
You can't move them.
You can't, that's where they'regoing to be.
So to them coaches that havesaid, I ain't never going to be,
nah, I just did better.
Now look at me.
Exactly.
Period.
Now look at you.
Now look at you.
My grief is also sprinkled witha little lot of bitter crying.
I love a good cry.
(26:54):
A little bit of crying?
Girl, I cry almost every otherday.
Well, yeah.
I think I still do that, too,especially when it rains.
I kind of give myself a pat onthe back when I do that, because
it's like...
A cleansing of the outsideworld, you know, when you're
thinking about it in thespiritual aspect and like a
cleansing of yourself, likeyou're releasing all of that.
(27:15):
Everybody need a good cry onhere.
I'm one.
A good hard cry.
She, you're not.
You're not.
You're not a cryer, so youwouldn't understand.
So, we can't wait until you getthat, that time.
It does come over me.
It comes over me.
It's just not often.
It's just not often.
It's like once a quarter.
That's the part of coming hometo yourself that I be talking
about.
I feel like it doesn't have tobe so harsh though.
Oh no, I be at home.
(27:36):
I just, I gotta write it out.
But I will not, I don't, I don'tcry.
It has to really, now I'll feelthe chillings like over my body.
I feel it in different ways, butlike I'm not a crybaby.
Just to let it flow the momentyou're like, I think, I think
right now I need one.
That to me is like, I have tocome home to myself, but it's
not, I'm not waiting until Ihave to burst or have an
(27:58):
explosion of tears.
That is me.
That is me.
I'm the let things happen untilthey boil over.
Ooh, it makes me want to go intoa golfing hole.
Not I.
It's not me.
I literally will get off thephone with anybody, I'm pretty
sure I've done it with y'all,and say like, I think I feel
(28:20):
like I need to cry right now.
I've definitely said it to a lotof people, like, I think I need
to go cry and I do and I comeback.
I give it a little more timebecause I feel like people are
like 15 minutes later when it isover, people are like, you're,
you're good and I'm like, yeah,it just had to get it out.
It wasn't like a harsh momentthat's going to take all day,
(28:41):
but I let it take a littlelonger so that people don't feel
weird about it and feel like,you know, yeah, that's what I'm
saying.
I will.
Um, Um, when it takes over me,it is like, uh, I want to feel
that.
So like, I don't, like you said,I just let it kind of, yeah,
yours, yours is like a wholeday.
Like you take a whole day tolike, yeah.
(29:02):
I might lick my wounds.
I might let it get, it won'tkeep me down.
It might get me down, but itwill not keep me down.
I gotta cry first so I can takeaction.
Cry first, action after.
Do you know what?
You also can grieve or betraumatized by the lack of
achieving a dream.
You know, I've had the dream togo to law school for a long
time.
It has not transpired in my deckof cards.
(29:23):
It will.
It's coming up, by the way.
Just wait on it.
but, yeah, people seek, set outto achieve dreams all the time.
And when it doesn't go the way,they envision their dream, or it
just doesn't go well alltogether, I think people, that's
a hard time.
You have a hard time navigatingthat.
(29:44):
Because what am I supposed to donow?
I remember distinctly laying onmy floor in my bedroom, not
getting into law school, thelast letter that I read, and I
did have my cry.
That, that one put me down.
That one put me down.
Like, in a ball.
Like, what am I supposed to donow?
Because this was my last resort.
(30:04):
This was supposed to work.
This was supposed to be my plan.
God, you see this.
Why you letting this happen?
You said it was supposed towork! And I think that that
teaches us, too, that God is notabsent in the midst of trauma
and grief.
Because I think sometimes peopleare like, where's your God now?
Like, your car done got wrecked,your man done left you, you got
(30:27):
all this stuff.
And I think people are like,he's not around.
But it's like, no, he's actuallysitting right next to you.
Take a cab, cry, pray about it,take action, and bust through
it.
Take you a cab.
Get out the door and take you acab.
(30:50):
And it's riding through.
This is literally why we don'tbe productive.
Yes.
That was productive to me.
A mnemonic device for grief.
You gotta take a cab, the onlyway out is through.
So you get in that cab, you rideunder that bridge of grief.
(31:10):
You cry and pray about it first.
You take action.
Then you bust through.
Then you bust through.
I will say her acronym do beoutrageous, but they don't be
wrong.
They be spot on.
They be accurate.
And you got me.
Right.
That's what she called.
That's what did I say?
(31:30):
I don't know.
I said that.
Yeah.
Maybe I said a taxi.
Well, I just want to say thatI'm proud of you for working
through that because hindsight2020, when you think about it,
she did exactly like what youwanted her to do.
She made you who you are and whoyou're supposed to be, who God
wanted you to be.
(31:50):
And I couldn't see you being anyother way.
So you had to go through that.
I'm sorry you had to go throughthat, but for you to be as
successful as you are, asbrilliant as you are.
I think that you were made to gothrough that, and I don't think
anybody else could have handledit like you did, but you did, so
I'm proud of you for that.
Thanks for the I'm proud of youas well.
(32:14):
Thank you.
I guess We've talked about howto navigate.
Even gave them an acronym toroll with.
We are learning.
We are learning.
It's in the playbook now.
And so I think now I'm going totalk a little bit about the
storm.
And I think you can pick up whatpieces you need, but I have told
(32:34):
both of them actually whathappened as I was, as I was
doing this.
So, I was coming back fromPhilly, getting my hair braided
by Shania.
Run, not walk, to my girl.
Shout out to her.
I love her.
That's my sis.
Getting my hair done by her.
I was coming home and I had mysunroof open.
I mean, I'm driving down the I95.
I'm having me a blast, y'all.
(32:56):
Like, Stopped to get me a littlesomething to drink.
I mean, I'm just taking my goodold time, baby.
I'm on the highway.
It was so sunny, y'all.
I'm like, It's a great day.
I mean, I'm just airy.
And, all of a sudden, I see Andthen it goes from like gray to
like, like, you know, likecharcoal gray.
(33:18):
And I'm like, Hmm.
Then it like turns black.
And I'm like, That don't look...
It's still like really early.
So, that's when I noticed it wasa storm coming.
And, if you know, if you've everdriven between Philly and, and,
D.
C.
You know, there's this...
Haffordy Grace, is that how youpronounce it?
I've never pronounced itcorrectly, but...
What is it?
The Haffordy Grace Bridge, likethat bridge that's like...
(33:40):
Oh, I don't even know which onethat was.
Like bel air to like, you knowwhat I'm talking about?
Oh, it's not.
It's really tall You know whatI'm talking about.
You know what I'm talking aboutwe used to travel literally when
we play Drexel Oh, like when wewere going, I think I know what
you're talking about.
Yeah, it's that really tallbridge and you know when you're
up there.
(34:01):
You, yeah.
Yeah, and so next thing youknow, I'm getting, I get on the
bridge and as soon as my wheelshit the metal part to get on the
bridge, all you feel is windwhips, like 30 mile wind gusts.
I'm like let me close my sunroofcause that was gonna be bad.
But, next thing you know, thesewind gusts, then the rain, so
I'm like, oh god, like, and youcan't see.
(34:22):
And so, I know it was seriouswhen this 18 wheeler starts, his
tail starts whippin so we'restill driving, which I'm trying
to figure out, how can I see,how can I see in the mist?
So, I immediately, if you'refrom the country, you literally
know, when it starts storming,the Lord is doing his work.
You cut off your what?
Lights.
Take that.
And your radio.
(34:42):
Everything.
You know what I'm saying?
In the dark.
That's what it is.
Silence.
Silence.
Your mouth can't even move.
Not at all.
You better not breathe heavy.
Don't even ask God what he'sdoing.
Just let him do.
Right?
So, I'm driving and I'm like,you know, Please like I'm
looking over the wheel so itjust keeps it's raining hard.
(35:05):
It's raining hard We're barelymaking at this point people
putting their hazards on peoplepulling off to the side So we
get I get over the bridge andi'm praying I'm praying some
more but then I see lightningAnd at this point i'm scared
because I didn't realize it wasso many trees over there.
So i'm still driving All right,so I say to myself I see two
lightning bolts that are justtwo holes for comfort I'm, like
(35:27):
this car in front of me pullsover i'm gonna pull off to the
side So I pull off to the sidebecause the car in front of me
pulls off at this rest stop.
So I'm like, okay, I'm sittingthere talking to Jesus, like I
have so far to go, but I'm stillstuck in the middle of the
storm.
So I'm like, do I sit here andwait on the rest of the storm or
do the only way is through?
(35:48):
So I'm like, let me wait.
So I wait for the first raingust to go.
And I'm like, maybe I'll go.
I see all these people take off.
I'm like, you know, I'm gonnawait.
So then here comes the secondone.
I mean the both got even morepotent got even more just
strong.
I'm like, okay, let me let mejust keep sitting here.
Finally.
I decide to get back on the roadLet me go.
(36:09):
So I'm driving and I at thatpoint called my mom to let her
know.
Hey, it's a bad thunderstorm Ijust really need you to pray for
me.
So My mom is like really highstrong.
Y'all know that.
So I'mma just call you back andI'll concentrate And so I'm
watching the storm just rage,rage, rage, people getting
scared, people this.
So I say to myself, I'm looking,didn't realize there were this
(36:31):
many power lines.
I'm like, Oh God, please like,you don't strike one of these
power lines.
So I'm driving and not even twominutes later, strike! The
lightning bolt, strikes thepower line.
It severs and it sizzles, fallsdown on the interstate in my
lane.
There's an 18 wheeler in the farright lane.
(36:52):
I'm like, Oh, please.
So I'm like, let me call my momback.
So I call my mom back and my dadgets on the phone.
And this time my mom had toldhim and he had looked up the
storm.
So now he starts giving meprovision through the storm.
He's telling me the storm iscoming at this direction.
If you decide to pull over againand wait, you're going to deal
(37:14):
with this, this, this, this,this.
And so I'm like, oh, I'm makingthese split decisions.
I'm trying to decide, I'mpraying so I hang up again.
I'm like, you know what, it'sjust me and God because I felt
like in that moment, it was meand God could save me from, it
wasn't nothing that my dad couldsave me from.
It wasn't nothing but me andhim.
So I had to lean on him andtrust that he had just given me
(37:35):
what I needed to continue to go.
So it's getting bad.
It's still bad.
It's still going.
So I keep driving.
I just pray and I say, God,please just make a way for me.
So I just keep driving.
And as I continued to drive, therain slowed down.
The rain kind of just, it didn'ttaper off, it still was raining,
(37:55):
but I could still see theselightning bolts.
And you know that, that allowedme, as I just kept driving, kept
praying, kept talking to him, itallowed me to drive past the
storm.
Like the storm ended up on theleft side of me and I just
continued to drive.
So I'm like, oh, thank you God.
You know, I'm happy, I'm like,I'm trying to make sure I'm not
driving through no sand andwater, I get to BWI Parkway, and
(38:19):
it's dead stop.
And it had slow, like, the delayof that storm had delayed me
because literally there was afresh wreck of two cars that had
literally had a terriblecollision.
So the delay from the otherstorm and the provision from my
father allowed me to literallybe halted before this wreck.
(38:43):
And so I took that as like amicrocosm of when you're in the
midst of a storm, when you'regoing through, you just have to
literally sit and lean on God,it might not seem like things
are working.
He might be over off in themidst, but he will allow you to
watch storms happen around youand you still be covered and
protected.
So that's like trauma.
(39:04):
That's like grief.
That feels like the life stormswhere it can be sunny one day
and in a split second itchanges.
And now it's raining, and itdon't feel like it's gonna stop.
I didn't know when that rain wasgonna let up.
I didn't know if that power cordwas gonna strike my car, and I
was gonna be in trouble.
But I just continued to justpray that God made a way.
When people were stopping,pulling off on the side, doing
all everything else, I just keptmy eyes straight and focused on
(39:28):
where it was.
My objective destination washome back to myself.
So, if we can leave y'all withthat, full circle.
Full circle.
You've had a great day with us.
I did not remember to pray atthe beginning, so we will take
the time to bow our heads andclose our eyes.
Dear Father God, thank you fortoday.
(39:50):
Thank you for what an amazingblessing that you have placed
down on the inside of thesebeautiful women.
Thank you for Sydney.
Thank you for Georgia.
Thank you for Reagan.
Thank you for the ability tomove omnipotent presence is
always, always on time.
So we pray that everyonelistening receives this in the
(40:13):
way that they are able toreceive and they really absorb
this wholeheartedly.
So we thank you for your mercyand your tender blessings and
everything in between.
Jesus name we pray.
Amen.
That's a wrap.
welcome back to crown coach ofthe podcast if this is your
first time joining us.
Thank you so much Welcome to thefamily the crown family.
We're super excited to have youToday we're going to dive into
some amazing things.
,if you are returning, wewelcome you back.
You know how we get down here atthe Crown Family.
So today I actually get to dothis wonderful episode with my
(00:21):
two best friends.
We've got Jordan, we've gotSydney, my favorite, favorite
best friends.
I mean, gosh, they literallyhelp me through everything.
I mean, they know because theyalways answer the phone when I
call.
Today we dive into life scarsand, you know, the truth about
trauma, grief, and healingundressed.
(00:42):
And I just am so thankful forthem because I did not want to
do this episode by myself.
Happy to dive into some thingslike grief, trauma, some of the
things that plague us ineveryday life, and how we carry
that weight, how we navigatethat weight, and maybe what are
some tips in...
What Sidney does, what Jordandoes to lift the heavy burdens
(01:05):
of life.
So I guess we can start withsome questions that I always
pose to myself like becausesometimes trauma changes people
and you know one minute you cango through life and Honestly
things can be sunny outside andthe next thing you know, here
comes the rain so what are somethings that you do as an
(01:27):
individual?
Some things that maybe you don'tlike, that when things trigger
you, you, maybe you get angry,you turn into a ball of fury.
That probably might be me.
Lord's still working on me.
But also, what are some thingsthat you're doing, through
grief?
Because some people thinkhealing is a linear process,
(01:49):
right?
Like, once you get over the humpof grief, they think that you're
supposed to just be like, Okay,I'm, I'm healed.
Everything is fine.
You know, but that's really notthe case.
So let's really dive into themeat of trauma Grief and how to
kind of bring that back fullcircle into our healing process.
So welcome ladies I'm supersuper happy to have y'all So I
(02:19):
guess I can start with someinformation about trauma Because
I feel like we don't really knowtoo much what trauma entails.
Right?
Like, we know things aretraumatic.
Whether that be when we'regrowing up with childhood
wounds, So, we will start withsome facts because I think these
topics are so heavy that I feellike a little education goes a
(02:41):
long way.
From the American PsychologicalAssociation I was able to do a
little research and they definetrauma as an emotional response,
to a terrible event, like anaccident, a sexual assault, a
natural disaster.
In other words, you can haveunpredictable emotions, you can
have flashbacks, shock, denial,while there are also different
(03:02):
variations of long termresponses.
You can have acute trauma, whichis more so like results of a
single incident.
You can suffer from chronictrauma, which is a series of
traumatic events,, and kind ofone piling on top of each other.
You can have complex trauma,where you can have a whole bunch
of different traumatic eventshitting you from all different
angles, and maybe you don'treally know how to handle it.
(03:23):
So, ladies, we've lived a lot oflife in here.
We're not old, though.
We've lived a lot of life, youknow, we've lived a lot of life
and I don't know whoever wantsto take a stab at this first,
but I guess how, first, whattraumatized you?
If you feel comfortable, ascomfortable, as vulnerable you
(03:45):
feel or as guarded as you feel,this is a safe space, of course.
So, what traumatized you andlooking in retrospect.
What effect did that have onyou?
I feel like yours is morerecent, Jordan.
I was going to say, do I need,do I, like, am I compelled to go
(04:05):
first?
I'll just go first.
What are we, 2023?
About three years ago, I was inan abusive relationship,
mentally and emotionally, and itstarted turning physical more
toward the end.
With someone who I personallybelieve has like, undiagnosed
narcissistic behavior disorder.,if that's the proper term.
(04:27):
But, an undiagnosed narcissist,really.
And that was, looking back onit, like, even the year later,
scary, like, super scary.
To think about all of thesituations that I was in and
like, how I was starting to havechronic pains and constant
headaches, I would wake up withthis raging stomachache every
(04:50):
morning, like, it was my anxietywas on ten, like, all the time.
Yeah.
I had insomnia really, reallybad and a whole bunch of stuff.
It was, it has been a lot torecover from.
I feel like now, being in a newrelationship finally with
another person, I'm workingthrough more than just what I
(05:11):
thought I healed with myself.
Like they tell you to do, likewith myself and by myself, it's
a lot.
Harder when you have to putthings into practice and I
noticed that I'm just scared.
I'm scared of a lot of thingsbecause the person that, did
these things to me prior to thisrelationship.
I never thought would dosomething like that.
(05:33):
Never thought would do any ofthose things.
Like I had a weapon pulled outon me and like in the moment I
wasn't thinking about it.
I was just really chest tochest.
In a situation, but sittingdown, I trembled thinking about
the fact that really could'vebeen super bad.
(05:54):
Super unsafe, just the situationitself was like, crazy to think
about.
Kinda like I wasn't living mylife actually, like I was just
going through it, and I waswatching myself, like, in a
movie.
Yeah.
So there's really some timeswhere I feel really down about
(06:17):
it.
I hate the things that I decidedto endure.
But I've decided to go back totherapy, and taking small baby
steps to get through it.
But I know it's something that'sgonna sit with me for a while
because it was something thatwas like love to pure pain.
And I didn't ever feel like Iwould be broke down that hard by
(06:39):
something that seemed like verysimple at first.
I'm sorry.
But we good.
We Gucci.
It just, it's not linear for me,for anyone, but definitely not
for me.
So ebbs and flows, ups anddowns, you know, you come back
home to yourself intentionallyevery day, which I'm still
(07:01):
working on that.
That's fair.
It doesn't have to be sooverwhelming to do it just when
you realize you're not in a safespace.
So that's what I've been tryingto practice through it.
But that is my big trauma pointthat range from about, I'm 26
(07:22):
now, so 22 to 24.
That was it, and I wouldn't havegotten out of it if it wasn't
for another friend.
So, yeah.
Thank you for sharing that.
Yeah, that, honestly, thatabuse, component is really hard
(07:44):
to come back from.
And so I'm glad that you're...
Looking to find your way backhome to yourself, and I love the
way that you said that about howit's hard.
Because I think peopleunderestimate how truly hard it
is.
But, I'm glad that you, you are.
I honestly think for me, God islike, when you talk too much
(08:05):
about something you don't knownothing about, I'ma show you
better than I can tell you.
And I think that I spoke toomuch in the past about how I
didn't understand specifically.
Domestic violence cases where itdidn't seem like there was like
actual harm physically beingdone.
And I'm like, so why don't youjust up and out that?
I remember saying that tomyself.
(08:27):
And then he was like, okay.
And I was in that situation andit was like two of me, one of me
watching myself do this and say,why are you not just getting up
and out?
And the other part being like,I'm frozen.
Like I'm scared.
I'm taken over by the situationand it was just very like, I'm
(08:48):
gonna shut my mouth when I don'tknow things.
And now I understand and notthat there was ever disrespect
given to those in domesticviolence situations, but uh,
most respect for people who canget themselves out, who can
have.
family or loved ones help themget out of the situation and
like they can still feel likethey push through because
(09:11):
sometimes it's hard and it'sscary to think like that's
coming back to me.
Yeah.
People always say oh that cannever be me until they're put in
that situation.
So like you said people don'tknow until like it happens to
them.
And they're shocked like whyreally is it can be by some you
(09:34):
can literally I used to alwayssay to People are like I don't
understand my son would neverhurt anybody just per example
Because that's who they knowthem as the person I was in love
with I didn't know them to beThat way at all, so I would
never fathom that.
I would never fathom either oneof you doing anything else But
that's what that feels like.
It's like someone you wouldnever think.
(09:56):
We're not just saying thatpeople bring out different sides
of people.
She didn't literally just saythat.
And so it's hard to wrap yourhead around this is what's going
on in this situation But yes itis.
And don't deny your gut feelingsat all.
No, definitely don't deny yourgut feelings.
What do you feel about that?
You know about that.
(10:17):
My intuition would be spot on.
It ain't pink, it is a red flag.
So, yeah.
And I don't play about that.
Once the Holy Spirit give it tome, No.
Ms.
Smith.
Yes.
Tell us a little bit about yourtraumatic experience.
The one that obviously is sofresh.
(10:40):
I just had a son.
His name is Nasir.
He'll be 7 months next week.
Yes.
Yes, my godson.
The whole birthing experience,let me just say, people don't
talk about, what really happensand, like, what really takes
place.
People on Instagram, they alwayspost, like, the good stuff or,
the during, but, not, like, whatactually happens.
(11:02):
or what could happen.
My, looking back on myexperience or just thinking
about it, like to me it feelslike a blur but I know that it
was like a long process.
The traumatic aspect was justthe unexpected c section.
Came in there, just beingmonitored for my blood pressure
(11:24):
to end up having my son thatnight.
Yeah.
I don't know.
It's just, I don't really likethinking back on it.
I was just in shock.
Once they told me that I washaving a c section, got the
epidural.
I just don't even reallyremember anything.
(11:46):
Yeah.
And I think that's the traumaticpart for me.
The one thing that I remember isthem pulling him out of my
stomach and then hearing himcry.
And then they just whisk himaway and I get to hear him cry
from across the room, but you'restill strapped to the table,
right?
So you can't even really holdyour child.
You just lay, I'm just layingthere, arms stretched out.
(12:07):
Yeah.
And then you're just waiting tobe sewed back up and you get to
like you, you feel it, but youdon't feel any pain.
So you feel like.
The organs being moved aroundand then like touching your
stomach, it's just a veryoverall traumatic experience.
And then just going throughthat, having all the health
(12:27):
issues that I had., I'll betransparent, I did have high
blood pressure and all of that.
So I was on medication, evenleaving the hospital.
Just overall, I just think that,Women need to be a little more
gracious with themselves.
And I think that's a part of myhealing.
(12:49):
I'm giving myself a lot ofgrace.
And that's one thing that I'mreally trying to work on.
my fiance, he does a really,really good job of reiterating
that to me.
And I think that's alsoimportant having utilize your
village.
Utilize your village.
You heard it here first.
Utilize your village.
Being postpartum, that's one ofthe biggest things that I'm
(13:11):
having to teach myself is usingmy people.
So life scars, but your peopleare showing up for you.
They are.
I just, for me personally, wehad this conversation, I just
need to speak up and be vocalabout what I need.
I keep things close to me.
(13:33):
You know that about me.
I do.
So she has to force me to, totell her stuff.
She'll ask me a million times ifI'm okay.
And it's like pulling teeth.
Yeah.
But I love her because I dorealize sometimes that what
trauma can do is it can back youinto a corner.
It can put you into a box andwhere you're, you feel small.
(13:54):
You feel like If I saysomething, then this is going to
end up worse for me, or whateveryou think the outcome is that's
not in your favor, and, youknow, learning, like, you're
like, everybody's like, no, Iwant to help you, and you're
like, oh my gosh, you really,touched on something about how
you were growing, going throughthe trauma, but you didn't
(14:15):
really feel it, and so I'm justlike, I want to really dive into
that because Sometimes whenwe're going through traumatic
experiences, we can just floatand it can just float us into
grief and grieving, but we don'talways end up grieving the way
we need to.
And so trauma and grief are tiedtogether because when you
(14:38):
experience trauma, you have togrieve, whether you're a quick
griever, whether you're someonewho's an inhibitor, you suppress
it, you push it down.
You're someone who, maybe you'rea delayed griever, right?
Like, you know, when you losepeople, and sometimes the demand
of burying someone whom youlove, or, you know, someone
(15:00):
who's now gone from your life,you're into this mode of
grieving, you're into this modeof action, you're into this mode
of, I have to get this done, andyou end up delaying.
Your grief and so then itdoesn't hit you until after the
fact so I Guess how did yougrieve these experiences that
(15:20):
help hold so much weight?
I didn't really grieve Mybirthing experience until I set
and I wrote it all down I wrotemy entire birthing experience
from beginning to end and thatwas my first step and really
kind of like Healing and feelinglike, okay, this happened to me.
(15:43):
How do I heal from that?
How do I move forward?
My son is here.
He's healthy.
That's just what I had to haveto think about.
And I would do it 10 times overjust to have him here and
healthy.
So yeah, that was my first stepwriting it all out.
And I think from there, justkind of taking things day by
(16:04):
day.
Has really helped me.
Every day looks different and Ijust had to come to terms with
that because you know, us asathletes, we're a Structured
person, like structured people,like we have to be on a schedule
and I think that also plays arole in my Anxiety and my
postpartum depression becauseevery day looks different for me
(16:25):
and that's just not what I'mused to.
So that's again a part of myheart, excuse me, healing and
relearning I love that.
I love that for her, y'all.
This is my girl.
We gon get it right.
We might not gon get it right.
(16:45):
I was cheering up over here, sothat's why I keep putting my,
because like I, I honestly wantto first like Jordan, always
applaud you for the fact thatyou went through that, I'm
trying not to get upset now, I'mthe crier, but you know, you
deserve the grace and Theempowerment that, like you
(17:07):
really did that and, you putyour life on the line for
another life and both of y'allare still here, so I love that
so much.
And the cutest, the cutest thingin the world.
Anyways.
They are both criers for, yeah.
For me, honestly, I had to tapinto things that I love.
(17:28):
So, because the relationshipThat was in Made Me Hate Myself,
essentially.
I, had to find the things that Iliked again, or tried to revert
back to, old things that I likedto do.
I was just talking about ityesterday, tapped into a show,
one, so that I didn't just...
(17:49):
Catastrophize everything thatwas going on in the time that I
was alone.
But golden girls, I get chillsin my bones when I hear thank
you for being a friend.
Like seriously, I love thatshow.
I tapped into a TV show.
(18:10):
I tapped into the things that Iliked, which I'm all about,
interior design and art andstuff like that.
So I honestly silently pledgedto myself that every four to six
weeks I'd change my apartmentaround, my room around to just
look different, feel differentto me so that I could feel like
I was in a different spacementally as I was progressing
(18:34):
through this, this portion ofhealing that I had to get
through.
So I relied on that, definitelygood laughs, because it's not a
linear thing, there are things Ifeel like I fall back on, that I
try to cover my feelings with,but when I realize that's what
I'm doing, I try to dig it backup, because the only way out of
(18:54):
it is through it, so, I gottalet the stuff pass through me, I
don't have to hold on to it, butI can let it pass through me,
Flow as it go, wherever it go.
I just tapped into the thingsthat I really love.
I put my head to the things thatI wanted to do.
I started doing the art that Ialways dreamed about doing.
(19:16):
And so I've kept that reallyclose to my heart.
And it's hard for me to includeeverybody else into that cause I
went into a little shell for it,but.
When I'm ready,, I'll share abunch of, the loves that I've
come back to with myself, witheverybody.
But, there was a lot of cominghome to myself, or trying to
(19:37):
teach myself, it does not haveto be hard.
So, Me Time, Golden Girls, andrearranging my room.
If that's what's gonna keep yougood, then that's what you do.
And I think, I've been sittinghere thinking about,, traumatic
experiences that have, totallyshaped me or altered, I think,
(20:01):
my trajectory or even the wiringof my brain.
And, I think the biggest onethat I think of is my college
basketball experience.
That really altered, me as aperson.
I was a high school standout,you know, top 60, in the
country, coming out likethinking I'm the heat, I'm
playing against the Asia Wilsonsof the world, you know what I
(20:23):
mean?
Like, I'm, I'm, I'm coming intothis experience and I just had a
black woman as a head coach.
I'm thinking this is the idealsituation.
And I think what they don't tellyou is what I found out.
Is that you can have someonetell you one thing and when you
get there, they're completelythe opposite person.
(20:45):
It was imposter syndrome times10, 000.
And every single day it was afight.
She knows.
A mental fight.
A mental fight every day.
We not even talking about thephysical, the practice and
everything else.
The mental aspect.
The mental.
And it was always me.
(21:06):
If you ever played on a team whohad a player whose name got
called the most, it was me.
That was me.
I was always the, the player onthe team.
I wouldn't even be in the playand it'd be like, no, not you,
Alex Brasha.
And then you sitting over therecracking up because it always
was me, but it wasn't me.
And so I had this woman who toldmy parents she would take care
(21:29):
of me, who told my parents shewould make sure that I grew.
As, as a woman, as someone whowas gonna be a productive member
and to going into society andwhen I got there Like when I was
there like in it like she didn'tdo none of that when I tell you
it was almost like she woke upevery day like how I'm gonna
make Bridget's life a uphillbattle impossible for her to
(21:53):
make it through.
I'm just gonna mess up her dayAnd even though she might not
have woke up and said that, itseemed like that's what she did.
Every practice, but I was alwaysthe person who brought players
in.
I was always the player who gotplayers to recruit.
I was always the mouthpiece.
I kept the grades up on theteam, I was the team captain, I
was like an octopus and I dideverything.
(22:14):
But she consistently made mefeel like I was not worthy.
She consistently made me feellike I was not worth nothing.
I had one of the coaches tell methat I was a waste of a
scholarship.
That someone else who was lessfortunate because my parents
were rich, they weren't, theyjust sacrificed.
But I was told that I didn'tdeserve that spot.
So I'm like, Oh, so how I get itthen.
(22:35):
But still it was the consistentreminder that I wasn't equipped
to be there.
And I trusted God in thosemoments because I knew that he
wouldn't put me in a place thathe wasn't going to bring me
through.
But.
It was really probably one ofthe most challenging things
because as a black woman, I wasthinking I was going to get a
mentor.
(22:56):
I was thinking I was going toget someone who was maybe like
an extension of my mom, but notmy mom.
And I didn't get that.
I was constantly ridiculed.
So for me, the way it showed upfor me as an adult is that like,
like my friends talk about howambitious I am.
How, like, I don't let nothingfall through the cracks, I don't
(23:17):
have no room for error.
I go after everything sowholeheartedly, and I'm always
there for my people because ofthis experience.
I don't ever want nobody to everfeel like that.
I'm pretty sure I'm praying thatshe's out of a job.
Because you have that muchimpact on a black woman's mind,
and you chose to use it for eviland not for good.
(23:39):
I won't reveal her name.
You can look up our stuffthough.
But still like that level oftrust that I had in her as a
high schooler going into collegeto experience.
I don't know what, I don't, Idon't know what it was.
I can't put my finger on itbecause I don't operate like
that.
But I can let you know that itreally messed me up and it took
me a long time to recover.
(24:02):
So how I've navigated instanceslike that, I think you could
look at relationships thatsometimes it takes a long time
for you to cut off, even ifyou're not being abused
physically, but it can take awhile.
I personally, people are like,why you didn't transfer?
Why you didn't do this?
You had these options, but thatwasn't the culture back then.
(24:22):
It wasn't, it was like the only,like you said, only way is
through.
And so that's how I figured itout.
That's why I persevere so much.
Now.
That's why I am so ambitious.
That's why I leave no room forerror.
That's why I am so intentionalbecause I have that constant
reminder in my mind that I'mgoing to prove my worth to
myself and to God.
Because that's all I answer to.
(24:43):
But it really, really hurt melike I'm 27 and it really hurt
me.
I'm still talking about it tothis day.
So, and she know.
More than anybody, cause she wasand she was right there, you
know, so, I think when we talkabout grieving, it can also be
the abrupt stop of, life as youknew, with a friend, they don't
(25:06):
have to pass away, they couldjust not do right by you, and
now you have to basicallyprotect yourself and cut them
off.
There's a lot of aspects,there's a lot of components,
there's a lot of, Different,variations of what we
experience.
I would say that I'm a bit morehealed from that experience now.
(25:27):
I'm trying not to be so rigid.
I hope I'm doing good, better.
It's all about how you grieve.
I'm a drill sergeant stillthough.
So how are you?
How have you let yourself grievethrough that?
Any opportunity I get, I don'tmiss.
It could be the smallestopportunity.
It could be just having aconversation with somebody.
(25:49):
I just don't miss opportunities.
Cause I feel like that was amissed opportunity.
I feel like, even though it wasno way I could alter the
outcome, I just feel like it wasa missed opportunity.
I feel like I had the potentialfor it to be so much better than
it wasn't.
And it was missed.
So I just don't missopportunities.
I seize every opportunity.
(26:10):
I wouldn't say it's how Igrieve, but I think grieving it
is just accepting it fully forwhat it was.
Not being bitter, not being,trying to talk about it or
nothing.
That was the best she knew howto do with what she had.
It wasn't that good, but thatwas the best, you know, what she
had to do.
And I feel like that's how Igrew that understanding that
(26:33):
people are where they are.
You can't move them.
You can't, that's where they'regoing to be.
So to them coaches that havesaid, I ain't never going to be,
nah, I just did better.
Now look at me.
Exactly.
Period.
Now look at you.
Now look at you.
My grief is also sprinkled witha little lot of bitter crying.
I love a good cry.
(26:54):
A little bit of crying?
Girl, I cry almost every otherday.
Well, yeah.
I think I still do that, too,especially when it rains.
I kind of give myself a pat onthe back when I do that, because
it's like...
A cleansing of the outsideworld, you know, when you're
thinking about it in thespiritual aspect and like a
cleansing of yourself, likeyou're releasing all of that.
(27:15):
Everybody need a good cry onhere.
I'm one.
A good hard cry.
She, you're not.
You're not.
You're not a cryer, so youwouldn't understand.
So, we can't wait until you getthat, that time.
It does come over me.
It comes over me.
It's just not often.
It's just not often.
It's like once a quarter.
That's the part of coming hometo yourself that I be talking
about.
I feel like it doesn't have tobe so harsh though.
Oh no, I be at home.
(27:36):
I just, I gotta write it out.
But I will not, I don't, I don'tcry.
It has to really, now I'll feelthe chillings like over my body.
I feel it in different ways, butlike I'm not a crybaby.
Just to let it flow the momentyou're like, I think, I think
right now I need one.
That to me is like, I have tocome home to myself, but it's
not, I'm not waiting until Ihave to burst or have an
(27:58):
explosion of tears.
That is me.
That is me.
I'm the let things happen untilthey boil over.
Ooh, it makes me want to go intoa golfing hole.
Not I.
It's not me.
I literally will get off thephone with anybody, I'm pretty
sure I've done it with y'all,and say like, I think I feel
(28:20):
like I need to cry right now.
I've definitely said it to a lotof people, like, I think I need
to go cry and I do and I comeback.
I give it a little more timebecause I feel like people are
like 15 minutes later when it isover, people are like, you're,
you're good and I'm like, yeah,it just had to get it out.
It wasn't like a harsh momentthat's going to take all day,
(28:41):
but I let it take a littlelonger so that people don't feel
weird about it and feel like,you know, yeah, that's what I'm
saying.
I will.
Um, Um, when it takes over me,it is like, uh, I want to feel
that.
So like, I don't, like you said,I just let it kind of, yeah,
yours, yours is like a wholeday.
Like you take a whole day tolike, yeah.
(29:02):
I might lick my wounds.
I might let it get, it won'tkeep me down.
It might get me down, but itwill not keep me down.
I gotta cry first so I can takeaction.
Cry first, action after.
Do you know what?
You also can grieve or betraumatized by the lack of
achieving a dream.
You know, I've had the dream togo to law school for a long
time.
It has not transpired in my deckof cards.
(29:23):
It will.
It's coming up, by the way.
Just wait on it.
but, yeah, people seek, set outto achieve dreams all the time.
And when it doesn't go the way,they envision their dream, or it
just doesn't go well alltogether, I think people, that's
a hard time.
You have a hard time navigatingthat.
(29:44):
Because what am I supposed to donow?
I remember distinctly laying onmy floor in my bedroom, not
getting into law school, thelast letter that I read, and I
did have my cry.
That, that one put me down.
That one put me down.
Like, in a ball.
Like, what am I supposed to donow?
Because this was my last resort.
(30:04):
This was supposed to work.
This was supposed to be my plan.
God, you see this.
Why you letting this happen?
You said it was supposed towork! And I think that that
teaches us, too, that God is notabsent in the midst of trauma
and grief.
Because I think sometimes peopleare like, where's your God now?
Like, your car done got wrecked,your man done left you, you got
(30:27):
all this stuff.
And I think people are like,he's not around.
But it's like, no, he's actuallysitting right next to you.
Take a cab, cry, pray about it,take action, and bust through
it.
Take you a cab.
Get out the door and take you acab.
(30:50):
And it's riding through.
This is literally why we don'tbe productive.
Yes.
That was productive to me.
A mnemonic device for grief.
You gotta take a cab, the onlyway out is through.
So you get in that cab, you rideunder that bridge of grief.
(31:10):
You cry and pray about it first.
You take action.
Then you bust through.
Then you bust through.
I will say her acronym do beoutrageous, but they don't be
wrong.
They be spot on.
They be accurate.
And you got me.
Right.
That's what she called.
That's what did I say?
(31:30):
I don't know.
I said that.
Yeah.
Maybe I said a taxi.
Well, I just want to say thatI'm proud of you for working
through that because hindsight2020, when you think about it,
she did exactly like what youwanted her to do.
She made you who you are and whoyou're supposed to be, who God
wanted you to be.
(31:50):
And I couldn't see you being anyother way.
So you had to go through that.
I'm sorry you had to go throughthat, but for you to be as
successful as you are, asbrilliant as you are.
I think that you were made to gothrough that, and I don't think
anybody else could have handledit like you did, but you did, so
I'm proud of you for that.
Thanks for the I'm proud of youas well.
(32:14):
Thank you.
I guess We've talked about howto navigate.
Even gave them an acronym toroll with.
We are learning.
We are learning.
It's in the playbook now.
And so I think now I'm going totalk a little bit about the
storm.
And I think you can pick up whatpieces you need, but I have told
(32:34):
both of them actually whathappened as I was, as I was
doing this.
So, I was coming back fromPhilly, getting my hair braided
by Shania.
Run, not walk, to my girl.
Shout out to her.
I love her.
That's my sis.
Getting my hair done by her.
I was coming home and I had mysunroof open.
I mean, I'm driving down the I95.
I'm having me a blast, y'all.
(32:56):
Like, Stopped to get me a littlesomething to drink.
I mean, I'm just taking my goodold time, baby.
I'm on the highway.
It was so sunny, y'all.
I'm like, It's a great day.
I mean, I'm just airy.
And, all of a sudden, I see Andthen it goes from like gray to
like, like, you know, likecharcoal gray.
(33:18):
And I'm like, Hmm.
Then it like turns black.
And I'm like, That don't look...
It's still like really early.
So, that's when I noticed it wasa storm coming.
And, if you know, if you've everdriven between Philly and, and,
D.
C.
You know, there's this...
Haffordy Grace, is that how youpronounce it?
I've never pronounced itcorrectly, but...
What is it?
The Haffordy Grace Bridge, likethat bridge that's like...
(33:40):
Oh, I don't even know which onethat was.
Like bel air to like, you knowwhat I'm talking about?
Oh, it's not.
It's really tall You know whatI'm talking about.
You know what I'm talking aboutwe used to travel literally when
we play Drexel Oh, like when wewere going, I think I know what
you're talking about.
Yeah, it's that really tallbridge and you know when you're
up there.
(34:01):
You, yeah.
Yeah, and so next thing youknow, I'm getting, I get on the
bridge and as soon as my wheelshit the metal part to get on the
bridge, all you feel is windwhips, like 30 mile wind gusts.
I'm like let me close my sunroofcause that was gonna be bad.
But, next thing you know, thesewind gusts, then the rain, so
I'm like, oh god, like, and youcan't see.
(34:22):
And so, I know it was seriouswhen this 18 wheeler starts, his
tail starts whippin so we'restill driving, which I'm trying
to figure out, how can I see,how can I see in the mist?
So, I immediately, if you'refrom the country, you literally
know, when it starts storming,the Lord is doing his work.
You cut off your what?
Lights.
Take that.
And your radio.
(34:42):
Everything.
You know what I'm saying?
In the dark.
That's what it is.
Silence.
Silence.
Your mouth can't even move.
Not at all.
You better not breathe heavy.
Don't even ask God what he'sdoing.
Just let him do.
Right?
So, I'm driving and I'm like,you know, Please like I'm
looking over the wheel so itjust keeps it's raining hard.
(35:05):
It's raining hard We're barelymaking at this point people
putting their hazards on peoplepulling off to the side So we
get I get over the bridge andi'm praying I'm praying some
more but then I see lightningAnd at this point i'm scared
because I didn't realize it wasso many trees over there.
So i'm still driving All right,so I say to myself I see two
lightning bolts that are justtwo holes for comfort I'm, like
(35:27):
this car in front of me pullsover i'm gonna pull off to the
side So I pull off to the sidebecause the car in front of me
pulls off at this rest stop.
So I'm like, okay, I'm sittingthere talking to Jesus, like I
have so far to go, but I'm stillstuck in the middle of the
storm.
So I'm like, do I sit here andwait on the rest of the storm or
do the only way is through?
(35:48):
So I'm like, let me wait.
So I wait for the first raingust to go.
And I'm like, maybe I'll go.
I see all these people take off.
I'm like, you know, I'm gonnawait.
So then here comes the secondone.
I mean the both got even morepotent got even more just
strong.
I'm like, okay, let me let mejust keep sitting here.
Finally.
I decide to get back on the roadLet me go.
(36:09):
So I'm driving and I at thatpoint called my mom to let her
know.
Hey, it's a bad thunderstorm Ijust really need you to pray for
me.
So My mom is like really highstrong.
Y'all know that.
So I'mma just call you back andI'll concentrate And so I'm
watching the storm just rage,rage, rage, people getting
scared, people this.
So I say to myself, I'm looking,didn't realize there were this
(36:31):
many power lines.
I'm like, Oh God, please like,you don't strike one of these
power lines.
So I'm driving and not even twominutes later, strike! The
lightning bolt, strikes thepower line.
It severs and it sizzles, fallsdown on the interstate in my
lane.
There's an 18 wheeler in the farright lane.
(36:52):
I'm like, Oh, please.
So I'm like, let me call my momback.
So I call my mom back and my dadgets on the phone.
And this time my mom had toldhim and he had looked up the
storm.
So now he starts giving meprovision through the storm.
He's telling me the storm iscoming at this direction.
If you decide to pull over againand wait, you're going to deal
(37:14):
with this, this, this, this,this.
And so I'm like, oh, I'm makingthese split decisions.
I'm trying to decide, I'mpraying so I hang up again.
I'm like, you know what, it'sjust me and God because I felt
like in that moment, it was meand God could save me from, it
wasn't nothing that my dad couldsave me from.
It wasn't nothing but me andhim.
So I had to lean on him andtrust that he had just given me
(37:35):
what I needed to continue to go.
So it's getting bad.
It's still bad.
It's still going.
So I keep driving.
I just pray and I say, God,please just make a way for me.
So I just keep driving.
And as I continued to drive, therain slowed down.
The rain kind of just, it didn'ttaper off, it still was raining,
(37:55):
but I could still see theselightning bolts.
And you know that, that allowedme, as I just kept driving, kept
praying, kept talking to him, itallowed me to drive past the
storm.
Like the storm ended up on theleft side of me and I just
continued to drive.
So I'm like, oh, thank you God.
You know, I'm happy, I'm like,I'm trying to make sure I'm not
driving through no sand andwater, I get to BWI Parkway, and
(38:19):
it's dead stop.
And it had slow, like, the delayof that storm had delayed me
because literally there was afresh wreck of two cars that had
literally had a terriblecollision.
So the delay from the otherstorm and the provision from my
father allowed me to literallybe halted before this wreck.
(38:43):
And so I took that as like amicrocosm of when you're in the
midst of a storm, when you'regoing through, you just have to
literally sit and lean on God,it might not seem like things
are working.
He might be over off in themidst, but he will allow you to
watch storms happen around youand you still be covered and
protected.
So that's like trauma.
(39:04):
That's like grief.
That feels like the life stormswhere it can be sunny one day
and in a split second itchanges.
And now it's raining, and itdon't feel like it's gonna stop.
I didn't know when that rain wasgonna let up.
I didn't know if that power cordwas gonna strike my car, and I
was gonna be in trouble.
But I just continued to justpray that God made a way.
When people were stopping,pulling off on the side, doing
all everything else, I just keptmy eyes straight and focused on
(39:28):
where it was.
My objective destination washome back to myself.
So, if we can leave y'all withthat, full circle.
Full circle.
You've had a great day with us.
I did not remember to pray atthe beginning, so we will take
the time to bow our heads andclose our eyes.
Dear Father God, thank you fortoday.
(39:50):
Thank you for what an amazingblessing that you have placed
down on the inside of thesebeautiful women.
Thank you for Sydney.
Thank you for Georgia.
Thank you for Reagan.
Thank you for the ability tomove omnipotent presence is
always, always on time.
So we pray that everyonelistening receives this in the
(40:13):
way that they are able toreceive and they really absorb
this wholeheartedly.
So we thank you for your mercyand your tender blessings and
everything in between.
Jesus name we pray.
Amen.
That's a wrap.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!