September 6, 2025 • 41 mins
In a world where conversations too often spiral into shouting matches or dead ends, is there a better way forward? In this episode, we explore the radical idea that curiosity, not winning, should be the goal of tough conversations. Drawing on insights from linguistics, psychology, and real world examples, we unpack practical tools anyone can use to transform conflict into connection.
Whether you’re debating politics at the dinner table, clashing with a coworker, or scrolling through heated comment threads, these strategies can help you listen more deeply, ask smarter questions, and keep conversations alive, even when agreement feels impossible.
What You’ll Learn in This Episode:
- Why curiosity signals respect and builds trust, even with people you disagree with.
- How to replace “agree to disagree” with something more meaningful.
- The difference between a “soldier mindset” (defend at all costs) and a “scout mindset” (explore to understand).
- The power of simple, curious questions like “Tell me more” or “What makes that important to you?”
- Everyday tactics, like using “I” statements and nonverbal listening cues—that instantly change the tone of disagreements.
Why Listen?
If you’ve ever walked away from a disagreement feeling frustrated, misunderstood, or disconnected, this episode will give you a roadmap for doing better. It’s not about winning arguments, it’s about learning how to have conversations that matter.
Resources & References Mentioned:
- Marissa Fond, Georgetown University, on curiosity as the foundation of civil discourse.
- Julia Galef’s Scout vs. Soldier Mindset.
- Civil discourse strategies from conflict resolution and communication research.
Take the Listener Challenge:
This week, when you feel the urge to argue, try asking one genuine curiosity, driven question instead. Share your story with us, we’d love to feature it in a future episode!
Socials:
Instagram/X: @kylethehorton
Intro: Head in The Clouds Album - Matthew Morelock
Outro: Where The Sun Is - Jellyfish Beats
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:01):
You remember the last time you listened to
someone to understand them?
Neither do I.
Welcome back to Kyle Talks,where I'm Kyle and we talk
(00:27):
music.
What is up, all my beautifulpeople?
What it doobie doobie do inthese streets?
How's it going?
How you doing?
We're talking today.
I'm excited.
I'm actually, I'm always excitedto talk to you guys.
I'm really excited to talk withyou guys today.
How's it going?
How you doing?
How's the day going?
(00:47):
How's the wife?
How's the kids?
How's the husband?
You know, whatever, whatever.
You know what I'm saying?
How's it going?
How you doing?
Good, good.
It's so good to hear that.
And I'm actually super happy tohave you here today on the
podcast.
Thank you for tuning in toanother episode of Kyle Talks
where we listen to people whodon't pray like us, vote like
(01:10):
us, dress like us, eat like us.
dance like us and we still havegood conversations and and I
might be so adventurous to saywe might be really good friends
we don't agree on nothing but wemight be we might be pretty good
friends I'm just saying I'm justsaying uh that's the goal for
the podcast if this is yourfirst time checking out the
(01:32):
podcast welcome to Kyle Talks insunny Los Angeles California
where the white claw and theLaCroix flow like honey um yes
yes it sounds too good to betrue but I It's not my friend.
This is your first time here.
Please come over.
We got a place for you.
I like Pamplemousse.
That's my personal favorite, butwe got all the flavors.
(01:53):
If you've been here before.
You know where to go.
You know where to go.
It's awesome to have you guyshere.
Again, this is a podcast allabout talking with people who
you don't agree with.
You don't have any of the samethoughts on nothing.
Voting, eating, praying,believing, dancing, whatever it
(02:13):
may be.
And we still have goodconversations.
And you know what comes out ofthat?
You know what comes out?
Not only like respect, maturity,things like that, but you can
hear some people who've donesome pretty freaking cool
things.
Random people, people that justordinary people doing some
really extraordinary things.
We've had a couple of thoseconversations on the podcast.
(02:35):
So if you'd like to check outLosing 500 Pounds, being a voice
actor, cancer research, workingwith the NBA, NFL, if you want
to see those conversations, wehave them, but those would never
happen if we don't talk to eachother.
So let's learn how to talk toeach other.
And it's easy to talk to someonewho...
you agree with to some degree.
(02:56):
It's very hard to talk tosomeone you don't agree with.
So that's what this podcast isall about.
So I'm so grateful and thankfulto have you here.
And on that, let me get in myyap, yapping era.
If you've never been herebefore, I kind of yap before I
jump into each episode.
It's kind of what we just doaround here.
I am so thankful for you guyslistening to the podcast.
(03:22):
I'm getting more, it's kind ofsurreal If I can just be like
honest for a second, gettingpeople sending in their
questions, people sending intheir feedback.
I've got lots of feedback, whichis great.
Me and Rio have both gonethrough both of them.
Unofficial producer Rio.
We've gone through them.
We've looked at them.
We've used it for differentepisodes.
(03:43):
What's coming?
What do we have in the pipeline?
And we are so grateful.
It's it feels kind of Rio has anemail now.
Like he's like, We are like, youknow what I mean?
Like we have Dropbox accountslike we're starting to get a
little bit serious and.
(04:04):
It's.
It can't be done.
If no one was, if no one waslistening, this would be, it
still is a hobby to this day,but like people are listening.
So thank you guys.
There's value here.
I think in what we're themission of Kyle talks is there,
the values there and peoplenotice that.
And I think a lot of people wantthat.
A lot of people are sick of theshouting matches, the, Oh, you
(04:27):
think this you're X, Y, Zperson.
I think people are sick of that.
And we're just starting.
There's so much room to grow inthe podcast.
We We have plenty of thingswe're doing.
There's a lot of things to do toimprove going on video so I can
look at you in the eyes.
We're working on that.
That'll probably be next year.
(04:48):
But just to give you, this isnot where I was planning on
going, by the way.
Just to give you an idea of thepodcast, we're growing.
So in the past seven days, I'mjust going to share some of
these with you guys so you guyscan get it.
In the past week, as of thisrecording of the episode,
Tuesday, I just got back from myauntie's wedding.
(05:10):
As of this recording, we haveabout...
It's kind of feels crazy to saypast seven days, we've had 726
downloads in the past weekalone, which is crazy.
Of course, that's not Joe Rogannumbers, but I remember when
that was like five.
I remember when that number waslike five.
(05:31):
So thank you, guys.
And then that's where I say thepodcast.
You can times that by a month,whatever.
I feel not uncomfortable, butthat's just that's what we do
about a week.
So you can do some math, figureout where we're going from
there.
With that, we also are thinkingof new ways to improve the
podcast.
(05:52):
My mindset is always like, okay,we're getting some traction.
That's cool.
How can we capitalize?
How can we do more on that?
So with that in mind, if youguys already don't know, this is
a good opportunity.
Every Monday, I do a socialmedia post on X, Facebook,
Instagram.
Check that.
Well, my Facebook is for myfamily, but Instagram, I'll post
(06:15):
there.
And every Thursday, There's areel or short form content.
If you want to check that out,check out my Instagram.
Every Thursday, you'll begetting one.
So there's going to be one.
Maybe this is Saturday andyou're listening to this
episode.
Go check out my Instagram.
There's going to be a reel therefrom a few days ago.
Check it out.
I think it might have my wife init.
(06:35):
Trying to change that.
But the point is just to reallydevelop, get more of a
relationship going throughposts, through reels, being able
to interact with people wholisten.
and build that community.
We're already starting to buildthe community here on downloads,
but it's kind of hard to havethat interaction on that.
So we're going out and trying toproduce more interaction,
(06:59):
engagement with the community.
And that's really the goal.
Also Twitter, I literally tweet.
I'm kind of a loser.
I tweet every day.
So let's talk there.
It's really good stuff there.
But yeah, just to give you anidea of where we're at with the
podcast, how we plan to goforward, some things that we
(07:19):
have in the pipeline to comeforward and like, hey, we're
trying to do this for XYZcommunity, building that
community engagement, thingslike that.
So just to give you an idea ofwhat that looks like, that's
what we're doing.
Also.
You may have seen it already bythe time this episode comes out,
but I'm not a good clip maker.
(07:41):
Rio has been working hard ontrying to make clips.
I respect that man.
He gets paid negative$12 amonth.
Shout out him.
But feel worse for me because Iget paid even less.
Can you imagine?
Even less.
Jokes aside, I'm just beingserious.
But we're also making clips.
(08:04):
taking it from the show.
It's not going to be great atfirst, to be super honest.
It's not going to be great, butwe want it out there.
We want to tell people, we wantto invite more people to this
conversation.
So if you would like to, that'swhat we're doing on our side.
If you would like to invite morepeople to this conversation,
thank you.
Listening the best, literallythe best way.
So thank you for listening.
Second best way, share theepisode, tag Kyle the Horton on
(08:27):
it.
I will reshare it.
I reshare literally everythingthat's the podcast that I'm
tagged in.
Check out my Instagram I shareeverything I see.
And just invite more people tothis conversation.
Tell your friend like, hey, man.
You don't know how to talk topeople.
Maybe you'd get more benefitfrom this.
I don't know.
Something like that.
You know what I mean?
Um, so let's invite more peopleinto this conversation, but
(08:49):
we're, I mean, man, we have sometraction.
We have a full hold.
And thank you guys.
Thank you guys.
Let's go from here.
Let's fricking go from here.
There's a lot of work to bedone.
We just talked about some of thesmall things we're doing.
Um, but there's still even somuch more work, but we're
grateful.
We're definitely grateful.
And we noticed, um, wedefinitely noticed Rio's a funny
guy.
I can't wait to have him on oneday.
(09:10):
Um, But yeah, he has lots of hehas some pretty unique insights,
pretty unique.
Rio's the kind of guy where hewill he will tell you something
and like break it.
He understands like and he'll goand he'll tell you about it.
He'll make sure you want.
OK, anyways, that's we'll savethat for it's a quality and a
(09:31):
lot of people have.
But yeah.
So with that, that was a longthe obsession.
I'm going to finish off bysaying thank you for the growth.
I can't wait to invite morepeople to this conversation.
and build this community up evenmore than it has been.
With that, you've already seenthe title.
Before we jump into the episode,you know what we do around here.
(09:51):
It's called BOSS, B-O-S-Ssegment.
This podcast is all about ushaving a conversation, talking
to each other.
And I would be a charlatan, ascam artist, a Houdini if I
didn't have an opportunity forus to have a conversation.
So how this works is you send ina question to kyletalkspodcast
at gmail.com and put BOSSB-O-S-S in the subject line.
(10:14):
It can be about anything.
Finances, literally anything.
It's just an opportunity for twofriends to talk.
I don't know everything.
I'm 28 years old.
I don't know what I don't know.
I'm still learning.
But this is an opportunity forfriends to have a conversation.
Not as I need to hear theanswer, so I'm sending this in
because I want to hear ananswer.
This is like a, imagine I'm yourhomeboy for a second.
(10:38):
which I hope we are, but youknow, imagine, Hey, I've just, I
got to talk to my whole boyabout this.
That's the point of boss for usto have a conversation.
So if you'd like to send in yourquestions and again, send them
to KyleTalksPodcast at gmail.comand put B-O-S-S in the subject
line.
Let's jump into today's bossquestion.
All right.
(10:58):
This first question comes fromCara.
I hope I'm pronouncing your nameright.
Also, boss, I realized I justdidn't say it.
Boss stands for before openingshow.
So before we jump into the show,this anyways, that's what that
stands for.
Here's a good email from Cara.
Listener question.
Let's jump in.
(11:18):
Hello, Kyle Talks and unofficialproducer Rio.
Okay, so Cara, Kyle Talks is thename of the show.
I'm just Kyle.
You know what I mean?
It feels weird to get calledKyle Talks.
I'm just Kyle, you know.
It's just, Kyle Talks includesboth of us.
Like, this glaze for real, wherewe always say, and unofficial
(11:41):
producer, super awesome, goatedreal.
Let's just, I'm just saying,let's just relax.
You know what I mean?
Anyways, I'm just being funnyand serious, but let's continue.
Hi, Kyle Talks and unofficial.
Hey, how's it going?
I really appreciate and love howyou manage to have real
(12:02):
conversations or at least.
Or at least seem to have goodconversations with people you
don't agree with.
I appreciate this because youdon't really hear that a lot
today.
Yeah, true.
That's where the podcast camefrom.
My question then is how do youactually find common ground?
Sometimes I hear somethingcrazy.
(12:26):
Sometimes I hear something crazylike when someone.
OK, this is good.
This is good.
Sometimes I hear something crazylike when someone tells me the
Republican.
I'm a hardcore Democrat and itfeels like we're coming at two
different worlds.
This literally just happened theother day and it feels like
we're coming from differentworlds.
I hear you.
I hear you.
I hear you.
(12:46):
Sometimes I want to connect withfamily or coworkers, but it
feels impossible, such as theconversation I was having with a
friend.
earlier the Republican wouldlove to hear how you look for
that in that conversation whileI would still say we are friends
thanks to this podcast shout outyou good job good job Cara I
(13:07):
don't know how I can connectwith this person or find some
common ground anyways thanks I'msure my Republican friend will
thank you thanks for what you doand shout out relax with the Rio
Cara okay Hey, Cara, this is Iskim this question.
I skimmed all the questions.
I don't read them for this isgood question.
(13:29):
This is like a for real, reallike this is I think the first
time we've gotten like a reallike a this is how it is.
So one, thank you for sending inyour question.
We appreciate it.
Really do appreciate that.
Two, let's just jump.
How do you find common ground?
I think you just find it right.
Like you find something that youboth fundamentally, hopefully,
(13:52):
probably agree on, especiallywhen it comes to politics or so.
And I'm glad this podcast isreaching like people who think
differently politics wise amongthemselves, because that's
really where we need to havelike the best conversations and
really understand.
So, Cara, you are genuinely.
(14:13):
doing what Kyle Talks is allabout.
So thank you for that.
That's what it's about.
You can be a hardcore left,hardcore right.
It doesn't matter.
How can we find common ground?
And I think before I want to saythis, because I think this is
like a super like practicalquestion and real question I
(14:34):
want to spend time on.
You sending this in, I feel likesays a lot about you, right?
Like, I feel like you're like,hey, I have this belief.
How do I find common ground justso I can talk to this other
person?
Your friend, the Republican,we'll call him or her or them,
whatever, you know, we'll callthem that the Republican.
(14:57):
I think this says a lot aboutyou.
It's like, hey, you know, wedisagree on obviously whatever
it is Democrats and Republicansdisagree on.
But I still want to connect withthis person.
I actually huge W actually hugeW.
I think this I'm not trying toglaze you by really do you think
This says a lot about you as aperson.
(15:18):
So congratulations.
You're living, genuinely livingthe Kyle Talks mission.
Thank you for that.
How can you create commonground?
I think you just have to findit.
I mean, like I said, we're justtwo homies having a
conversation.
I don't...
(15:39):
I think finding common ground'svery...
And I could be wrong, obviously.
I'm still learning.
I think finding common groundcan be very...
Hmm...
Like in the moment, like youhave to know the context of the
situation, depending on whateverit is.
But I think starting fromanywhere, pick somewhere where
you might think pick somewherewhere you think no matter who
(16:00):
you are, no matter what youbelieve, we can agree.
So, for example, I don't know ifthis will work every time, but I
had a conversation with someonewho listens to the podcast.
I have not given my notice.
I've never given my politicalaffiliation out in the podcast,
never said which.
which side or middle I'm on.
(16:21):
And I had someone come out andsay like, hey, he thinks...
He's under the impression that Iam a hardcore liberal in his
words.
So whether he wants to believethat or do you want to believe
that?
Hey, that's up to you.
We have that conversation and wewere talking about it.
And this was over Instagramchat, so not like the most best
(16:44):
place, you know what I mean?
But I was thinking like, well,where's common ground that we
can find?
And it's always hard.
It's always going to be hard.
You're going to have to fightfor it.
It's not like you can just saythis one thing and you agree.
You have to find what makessense for the conversation,
what's contextual to theconversation, and you have to
find it's going to be hard tofind it, but you have to fight
(17:04):
for that.
So if you can't get that, thenyou're going nowhere.
So, for example, in thisconversation with this very
interesting individual, I said,I mean, we both agree that.
People dying is an issue, right?
Like we don't want people todie.
And he said, you know what?
I can agree to that.
That is somewhere where weconnect.
We don't want people to die.
(17:25):
Boom.
Conversation went then.
Maybe I'll talk about it oneday.
We had a good conversation.
It was over chat.
So, you know, but we had it.
And that was our common ground.
We thought it's we don't wantpeople to die.
We don't want people to suffer.
And then all these other thingscame from that.
Oh, yeah, this we don't wantpeople to suffer.
We don't want people to starve,whatever it may be.
(17:46):
you And that comes back to thecommon ground of we don't want
people to die.
We actually agree.
Well, we agree on so manythings.
You see what I'm saying?
Like that's and we had to fightfor that.
And but that was an Instagramconversation.
This is just an example.
When you're in real life with aperson, it has to be contextual.
Can't just say, well, we believethe sky is blue.
(18:08):
Like, OK, that means nothing forthis conversation.
Sure.
So, yeah, you have to.
I don't know if I'm like helpingyou at all, to be honest,
because I can't.
I can't give you like, just saythis one thing.
And Republicans hate this onething, you know, to your friend.
And I don't have that.
Democrats hate this one thing.
I can't, you know, that doesn'texist as far as I'm aware.
(18:31):
So you just have common ground.
Find it.
You have to fight it.
Fight for it.
Which means a lot for theconversation.
Because if you have to fight tofind common ground, boom, you're
connecting.
There's trust.
Hey, man, I may disagree withyou, but I want to find common
ground.
Let's find that.
Says a lot about you says a lotand very positively.
So that's what, that's what Iwould recommend again.
(18:53):
Sorry.
I don't have like the one magicsaying, but I do think finding
common ground is you have tofight for it.
Um, again, and if you'refighting for common ground, that
says a lot about you and yourperson you're having a
discussion with.
Cause you're like, Hey, I'minvested in this conversation.
I'm invested in thisrelationship.
Um, so I want to find thiscommon ground.
(19:14):
Kudos to you, Cara.
Kudos to you.
That's a really good question.
Um, That's a genuine real worldquestion.
So kudos to you.
Good job.
You're kind of leading meperfectly to today's episode,
which is all about curiosity andnot canceling.
It's like Cara knew what theepisode was going to be about.
(19:36):
So I'm just going to jump rightinto our main episode.
Thank you for your question.
Curiosity is better thancanceling.
When I said that, my Siri cameon and I was talking to her.
But my question for you, when'sthe last time you had a
conversation where you stoppedlistening because you're waiting
for your turn to talk?
(19:56):
I just shared my story of myInstagram experience, that
struggle to find common ground.
Oh, you believe this?
Why?
How did you get there?
I'll share this story again.
I've shared it a million timeswhen I was talking to my friend
in college who was like, allcops are bastards.
Me having family members andpeople that I...
(20:17):
Trust as an authority in mylife, I was like, whoa, I have a
couple of those in my life likethey're not all bastards, but.
And I heard him out, I once Isaid, like, what do you get?
How do you how did you getthere?
Why do you believe that?
And we're the best of friendstoday.
(20:37):
I didn't know these schools incollege.
It just kind of happened that.
But that's the point.
I was.
Through God's grace, it justhappened like that.
But I didn't know, I disagreedvery heavily with this thing
that I heard.
And now we're the best offriends today.
I love this.
I love that man more thananything.
(20:57):
Like he's, and he's a greatfather too, by the way.
So it's like, how could, that'swhat we need more in society.
Having that curiosity and think,whoa, you just said that?
I'm out.
You know, like yikes.
Yeah, you believe that?
Yikes.
You're not, and what the issueis, Beautiful people who are
listening, what the issue withthat mindset is of hearing
(21:21):
something like and not havingcuriosity for it.
The issue for that is you're notimproving yourself.
You're not understandingdifferent positions.
And three, you're notcultivating a place where people
want to talk.
If you shut down because someonesays something and you're
shutting down, Kyle, I'm notshutting down.
I just don't have a conversationwith them.
(21:42):
I hate to say this.
You have loser mentality.
You're shutting down and you'remaking the other person seem
like a better person than you.
You're not saying I'm wrong, soI must be right, right?
That's the point.
That's that's what's scary anddangerous.
We need to have curiosity again.
We have to shy away fromshutting down when you hear
(22:04):
something you don't like andask.
And now you think to yourself,well, I disagree with that very
heavily.
Maybe you have an emotionalresponse to that.
Be in control of your emotions.
Oh, OK, that's why.
Oh, how did you get there?
While you're having an emotionalresponse.
How did we get there?
(22:25):
Why do I think that?
That says so much about you.
You're a mature person, andthat's what we want to cultivate
at CalTalks.
Curiosity is always better thancanceling.
So that in mind, today, have youguys seen how my notes have
gotten better?
Today, we're exploring howcuriosity can make tough
(22:48):
conversations not tough, evenwhen there's disagreement.
Instead of shutting down,fighting back, curiosity opens
doors, and it says a lot aboutyou.
As an individual, like it doesCara.
Shout out, Cara.
You're asking real life.
Yeah, thank you.
You're asking good questions.
(23:08):
So what I promised you, everyepisode I put out, I want it to
be encouraging, beneficial.
I just don't want to put outnonsense.
I don't want to put out stuffwhere I just yap endlessly for
30, 45 minutes, whatever it maybe, and you don't get anything
out of it.
I want you to get something outof every episode, not just
entertainment, but somethinglike, oh, I can actually take
(23:29):
that for this week so that inmind um you're going to be able
to after listening to thisepisode you'll your mindset's
going to be different you'llhave tools they can use in your
next part of conversation andthen i have links like articles
that i used to get this to lookat some of this stuff um but why
(23:49):
why does curiosity matter kyleum okay kyle i'm hearing you say
i should be curious when someonesays um they're a republican or
democrat and And I'm not.
And they believe whateverRepublicans, Democrats believe.
I am on the opposite.
Why should I have a conversationwith them?
(24:10):
Why?
Why should I be curious how theygot there?
You are asking good questions.
What do the experts say?
Here's the biggest thing acrossevery article, Google, chat, GPT
books.
Here's the number one.
I mean, this all boils down tothis.
Curiosity is a signal forrespect and willingness to
(24:34):
understand someone, to trulyunderstand someone.
I mean, you can type in whycuriosity matters in a
conversation and that will comeup article after article, link
after link.
If you put it in chat GPT, whichI did, it comes back in chat.
It's no matter where you go,this is the number one thing.
So I'll say it one more timebecause this is the biggest
(24:54):
thing.
Curiosity is a signal forrespect and willingness this to
truly understand someone or whatthey believe just understand
someone as a person andunderstand their belief belief
systems that's like everyeverywhere comes back with that
um so that's the biggest thingsecondly This is something I did
(25:18):
because I think it's, I mean, Icould be wrong on this, but
based on the links and stuffthat you can check out for
yourself in the show notes, itturns opponents into people to
have conversations with.
I'll just keep on using myselfas an example because it's easy.
Oh, you believe all cops arebastards?
Instead of shutting down andthinking like, oh, this is, what
(25:40):
a terrible point of view, Idisagree.
Well, actually, why do youbelieve that?
Oh, that's why you believe that.
Well, I disagree with you, butyeah, I mean, I get it.
Oh my gosh, there'sunderstanding.
We need that in today's society.
We need that into today'ssociety.
(26:03):
So we need to get rid of, like Isaid in the last episode, 163,
society, and this is true,society has conditioned us to be
losers.
Society has conditioned us tohave loser mentalities.
Oh, you believe this?
Shut down.
ignore you block you move awayfrom you disregard you i hate to
(26:27):
say this that that is you're nota loser because you as a person
are not but that idea and whatyou're reflecting just gives off
loser vibes so if the shoe fitsyou know what i mean don't and
society has told us society iswhen someone disagrees with you
they're a bigot they hate youthey hate this type of people
(26:49):
whatever it is they Blah, blah,blah.
X, Y, Z, X, Y, Z, X, Y, Z.
Lose your mentality.
Now, there are some people outthere who are not interested in
any kind of conversation.
And that's okay.
Just don't have a conversationwith them.
It obviously won't beproductive.
There are people out there likethat.
(27:11):
Yes, a thousand percent.
It's not worth it to haveconversations with them.
Just move on.
Whatever it is, just move on.
What we're doing at Kyle Talksis we're changing that
mentality.
Oh, you believe that?
Oh, you don't support BLM?
It's Kyle.
I do not.
I went from supporting them tonot supporting them, supporting
(27:32):
them.
Now I don't support them.
It's a long thing.
We'll talk about it later.
But I don't support them.
That's not as controversialtoday.
So I guess, I don't know, a lotof people don't support them now
because of the owner's...
ignorant actings.
Um, but it's like, uh, you know,I don't support them.
So I've had conversations,people who are diehard BLM fans
(27:54):
and I'm half black by the way.
Um, and we talk about it like,Hey, this is why I don't.
And we have good conversations.
Oh, I get that.
Oh, that actually makes sense.
I may disagree with you, but Iactually see how you at least
got there.
And you're not just, you seewhat I'm saying that we need
that curiosity invites moreconversation.
UNKNOWN (28:14):
Um,
SPEAKER_00 (28:15):
So we have to change these mindsets of we got to get
out of debate mode.
I need to win this conversation.
We talked about this in 163 and162.
I'm just going to throw facts atthem.
Does that work?
We all say no, it does not work.
You can't throw facts.
There is no winning.
(28:35):
You may quote unquote win theconversation, but you lost a
person who will never listen toyou again.
That's not winning.
Not even in the slightest.
We got to get rid of this shutdown mode.
We'll just agree to disagree.
Okay, so we're just not going tohave a conversation.
All right, like how is thatbeneficial?
We got to get rid of that.
And we do have to adopt thismindset of curiosity.
(28:59):
Curiosity mode is what I'mcalling it.
This is super cliche, but yeah,tell me more.
How did you get there?
I'm curious.
I may disagree, but how did youget there?
I'm actually really curiousabout that.
So What does that do when weadopt that mode?
Curiosity, being the main focalpoint of this episode, refers...
(29:23):
Kind of changes conversations.
So it's not necessarily adisagreement anymore, even
though it is.
It's more like discovery.
How did you get there?
Why did you get there?
Tell me more.
And it's less combative.
So there's not like, well, Ibelieve this.
We just butt heads.
How did you get there?
Oh, your walls start to comedown a little bit.
(29:45):
Their walls start to come down.
Oh, now I'm just sharing abouthow I got there.
Oh, we're cooking.
That's what we need.
Sorry, I'm getting passionate.
That's what we need in thistoday's society that's what we
need and so that's the curiositymindset we want to promote these
kind of things and then I guysknow I'm the king of
practicality I love what arepractical okay Kyle this sounds
(30:08):
great maybe you're on board Kylethat sounds really good how do I
do this and I have a list of afew ways of we can do this one
being the biggest we ask tounderstand we don't ask to well
I'm about to ask them this.
And I'm about to ruin theirwhole day with facts.
No, that's not how we do it.
(30:30):
Maybe you could do that.
Sure.
Maybe you can't.
No one's saying you can't.
Maybe you can't.
Sure.
But we need to ask tounderstand.
I will always bring this.
All cops are bastards.
How did you get there?
And boy, did I understand afterhe said that.
Boy, did I understand.
Like, yeah.
Honestly, can't blame you.
I get it.
I get it.
(30:50):
Yeah, I get it.
So we need to replace like ourarguments with questions.
Or so, for example, something Isay is, why is that important to
you?
Or how is that important to you?
Or what specifically about thismakes that important?
Why do you believe that way?
And then how do you see it?
How did you get there?
Why do you think all cops arebastards?
(31:12):
Why do you think abortion isright?
Why do you think abortion iswrong?
Why do you think the SeattleSeahawks are better than the
Cowboys?
There's a mix of seriousness andnot seriousness there.
But the point is, I know I'mgoing to get some messages about
that one, but we want to haveconversations.
We want to have conversations.
(31:32):
This is a place where we haveconversation.
I will repeat this.
Truth is exclusive.
Only one person can be right.
Two people cannot be right, butwe're not there yet.
We're not in the business offinding out truth just quite
yet.
We got to start talking topeople first.
And after we have conversations,then we can get to the who's
(31:54):
right, the truth argument.
Do you understand what I'mtrying to say?
Truth is exclusive.
What we're doing here is notabout finding out the truth
because you can't find out thetruth if you don't talk to
someone.
So we got to learn how to talkto each other.
So you have to ask tounderstand.
(32:14):
Next thing I do is assumegoodwill on people.
I know not everyone's good.
I know we all have our things,but people remember this.
I mean, my therapist wife lovedthis one.
We are all as people, natureversus nurture.
We are shaped by ourexperiences, by our upbringing,
by our media.
(32:35):
So what does that mean?
Curiosity is asking why theybelieve and not assuming a bad
intent.
Oh, you think this is wrong?
Why?
That is you see where I'mcombative.
I'm putting the other person indefense.
I'm being like trying to attackthem, which is not how a
(32:55):
conversation, a productiveconversation should go.
How did you get?
Why do you believe that?
I'm just, oh, no, I hear you andI understand that.
I actually disagree with you,but I'm more curious as to how
you got there.
Oh, boom, walls coming down.
Well, yeah, actually, this ishow I got there.
This is why I believe that.
(33:17):
Oh, I get it now.
You see what I'm saying here?
You're reframing theconversation.
Again, we're not looking fortruth at this exact moment.
We're just trying to talk topeople and we can't even do that
yet.
So let's do that.
Have a good will about them.
How did you get there?
Some people are going to say,well, that's because this person
told me to believe that.
(33:39):
Don't laugh at them.
Be like, all right.
What do you think?
Like, have you ever thoughtabout it personally?
Do you just do whatever?
I don't know.
Ben Shapiro or lemons.
Don Lemon says, you know whatI'm saying?
Like, do you just listen tothem?
Like, do you not have your ownthoughts about anything?
Yeah.
(34:01):
Don't laugh when someone saysthat because there's a lot of
people out in the world likethat.
But invite them to like, well,maybe you should look into that
more to see what you think.
And even if you think the samething, okay, sure.
But at least now we can have aconversation about it instead of
just regurgitating whatever thisperson says.
(34:23):
Next mindset, I think, is reallyimportant signs for us is this
comes from Julia Galef.
So this is not mine.
I think I said her last nameright.
Galef is the she's as Juliecalls it the scout versus
soldier mindset.
So a soldier, they defend afortress of beliefs.
Here's my beliefs.
(34:44):
Here's my beliefs.
And I and I just defend themmindlessly.
That's what a soldier does.
What a scout does is a scoutmaps reality as it is, even if
it changes or challenges theirown views.
So a soldier defends and say,hey, this is what I believe.
A scout will say, well, let medraw a map of this.
(35:06):
Oh, that that map is showingdifferently than what I think.
You know what I'm saying?
We want to have a scout mindset,not a soldier mindset.
So curiosity keeps you in scoutmode.
Shout out, Julia.
I thought that was pretty good.
And again, there's conversationsaren't just about conversation.
I think there's also nonverballike you're listening position.
(35:29):
Are you listening intently?
So small things like nodding,small, small stuff like that.
Having a conversation withsomeone who's silent and one
who's like actively listening,like, oh, OK.
Oh, yeah.
Well, that makes sense.
Like how it's like, OK, Iactually know you're listening.
It's small, but I definitelythink it's a big piece of it.
(35:51):
Like all these tools that wewant.
I think the nonverbal activelistening is a big one.
So those are some, I will gothrough them again.
These are good tactics forcultivating curiosity, which we
already talked about why it's sogood.
You want to ask to understand.
You want to assume goodwill inpeople and like, hey, how did
you get there?
Why did you get there?
(36:12):
We want to have a scout mindset,not a soldier mindset.
And then active listening.
And I think where these reallycome in, I mean, shout out Cara.
I'll just use, honestly, Cara.
I had some examples, but let'sjust use Cara.
Cara in her thing, in her bosssegment question today said
like, Hey, I'm a Democrat.
My friend noticed.
She said, my friend, um, is aRepublican and we disagree.
(36:36):
They disagreed on whatever it isthey disagreed about, but she
still sent in a question asking,Hey, I want to find common
ground with this individual.
Boom.
That's what we need.
Oh my gosh.
I'm getting like, it's going tosound nerdy, but I'm getting
goosebumps.
That's what I'm like.
(36:56):
Legit have goosebumps right now.
That's what we need more of.
Have that curiosity.
Curiosity to know the otherperson and curiosity to say,
hey, I want to continue thisconversation.
Let's find something we agreeabout.
So that's a perfect, real,genuine real-life example with
Kara.
Other examples might be politicsand Thanksgiving, which I hate.
(37:20):
Debating a friend about cancelculture.
You know, AI, where it's going.
Do you know in China at least...
I was just listening to anepisode the other day.
About 10,000 or 10 million youngChinese women said they're going
to have an AI boyfriend.
SPEAKER_01 (37:39):
Huh,
SPEAKER_00 (37:40):
interesting.
I thought that was a reallyinteresting statistic.
Anyways, I'm getting off topic.
Anyways, for just your curiosityin daily life, demonstrate...
what Curiosity First looks like.
(38:01):
What does that look like?
And it's a tool.
It's not going to be perfectright off the jump.
It's not going to be like, I'mso good at this.
So that's what we want to do.
So here's what I want tochallenge you with.
I challenge you with whoeveryou're having a conversation
with that you're disagreeing.
Ask a question instead of readyto argue.
You hear something crazy thatyou don't believe with.
(38:23):
Instead of saying like arguing,well, here's why.
Facts, facts, facts.
Just ask a genuine question.
How did you get there?
Why?
I'm just curious.
It might be painful.
It's definitely going to behard.
I'm still learning too.
So this goes for me as well.
But it's like, how did you getthere?
I maybe emotionally vehementlydisagree.
(38:45):
But how did you get there?
Man, that says a lot about youas a person.
And I'm talking to myself rightnow.
That says a lot about you.
If you can do that, that says alot, a lot about you.
What did we talk about thisepisode?
We talked about how curiositysignals respect.
Ask questions.
(39:07):
How did someone get there?
Rather than having a counterargument ready to go.
People have experiences.
Ask about the experiences.
Understand that.
Where did that come from?
Learning more.
And then have the scout mindset.
Don't have the soldier mindset.
And this is my final thought.
Curiosity won't make us agree oneverything.
(39:29):
I'll say that again.
Curiosity won't make us agree oneverything, but it can keep us
human with each other, even whenwe don't see eye to eye.
That's the, that's the, that'sthe podcast episode for the day.
I hope you guys enjoyed it.
I hope you get something out ofthis.
I want to hear those stories.
Send them to me, DM the me, textthem, whatever.
(39:52):
Um, tell me, Hey Kyle, I justhad this conversation and I
asked them this question.
And although I still don't agreewith them, I get what they're
saying.
That's what we want.
So send those examples to me atKyle talks, podcast, Gmail, um,
dot at gmail.com.
No, I'd love, I love guys.
I mean, I shared it in thebeginning.
I shared it in the beginning.
I talked a little about now.
(40:12):
We have momentum.
We're starting to change.
We're starting to buildcommunities.
You guys are inviting people.
You're telling them to listen.
Let's capitalize.
Invite someone to listen to thisepisode.
Share this episode on yoursocial media, Instagram, X,
whatever it is, and tag me ifyou do that.
Or just send this episode tosomeone directly.
Let's invite more people to thisconversation.
(40:35):
Let's bring more people to thetable to talk with.
If you'd like to support thatmission, of course, listening
sharing you also have a patreonlink down below to help us
invite more people to thisconversation to support uh rio
and i i guess i'll just put himfirst you guys like real um but
i would love love to get morepeople in on this conversation
(40:56):
with that remember one man wholoves you more than you could
ever understand died on thecross for you and that man's
name is jesus i will see youguys next time on the economy
peace
UNKNOWN (41:13):
Thank you.
You remember the last time you listened to
someone to understand them?
Neither do I.
Welcome back to Kyle Talks,where I'm Kyle and we talk
(00:27):
music.
What is up, all my beautifulpeople?
What it doobie doobie do inthese streets?
How's it going?
How you doing?
We're talking today.
I'm excited.
I'm actually, I'm always excitedto talk to you guys.
I'm really excited to talk withyou guys today.
How's it going?
How you doing?
How's the day going?
(00:47):
How's the wife?
How's the kids?
How's the husband?
You know, whatever, whatever.
You know what I'm saying?
How's it going?
How you doing?
Good, good.
It's so good to hear that.
And I'm actually super happy tohave you here today on the
podcast.
Thank you for tuning in toanother episode of Kyle Talks
where we listen to people whodon't pray like us, vote like
(01:10):
us, dress like us, eat like us.
dance like us and we still havegood conversations and and I
might be so adventurous to saywe might be really good friends
we don't agree on nothing but wemight be we might be pretty good
friends I'm just saying I'm justsaying uh that's the goal for
the podcast if this is yourfirst time checking out the
(01:32):
podcast welcome to Kyle Talks insunny Los Angeles California
where the white claw and theLaCroix flow like honey um yes
yes it sounds too good to betrue but I It's not my friend.
This is your first time here.
Please come over.
We got a place for you.
I like Pamplemousse.
That's my personal favorite, butwe got all the flavors.
(01:53):
If you've been here before.
You know where to go.
You know where to go.
It's awesome to have you guyshere.
Again, this is a podcast allabout talking with people who
you don't agree with.
You don't have any of the samethoughts on nothing.
Voting, eating, praying,believing, dancing, whatever it
(02:13):
may be.
And we still have goodconversations.
And you know what comes out ofthat?
You know what comes out?
Not only like respect, maturity,things like that, but you can
hear some people who've donesome pretty freaking cool
things.
Random people, people that justordinary people doing some
really extraordinary things.
We've had a couple of thoseconversations on the podcast.
(02:35):
So if you'd like to check outLosing 500 Pounds, being a voice
actor, cancer research, workingwith the NBA, NFL, if you want
to see those conversations, wehave them, but those would never
happen if we don't talk to eachother.
So let's learn how to talk toeach other.
And it's easy to talk to someonewho...
you agree with to some degree.
(02:56):
It's very hard to talk tosomeone you don't agree with.
So that's what this podcast isall about.
So I'm so grateful and thankfulto have you here.
And on that, let me get in myyap, yapping era.
If you've never been herebefore, I kind of yap before I
jump into each episode.
It's kind of what we just doaround here.
I am so thankful for you guyslistening to the podcast.
(03:22):
I'm getting more, it's kind ofsurreal If I can just be like
honest for a second, gettingpeople sending in their
questions, people sending intheir feedback.
I've got lots of feedback, whichis great.
Me and Rio have both gonethrough both of them.
Unofficial producer Rio.
We've gone through them.
We've looked at them.
We've used it for differentepisodes.
(03:43):
What's coming?
What do we have in the pipeline?
And we are so grateful.
It's it feels kind of Rio has anemail now.
Like he's like, We are like, youknow what I mean?
Like we have Dropbox accountslike we're starting to get a
little bit serious and.
(04:04):
It's.
It can't be done.
If no one was, if no one waslistening, this would be, it
still is a hobby to this day,but like people are listening.
So thank you guys.
There's value here.
I think in what we're themission of Kyle talks is there,
the values there and peoplenotice that.
And I think a lot of people wantthat.
A lot of people are sick of theshouting matches, the, Oh, you
(04:27):
think this you're X, Y, Zperson.
I think people are sick of that.
And we're just starting.
There's so much room to grow inthe podcast.
We We have plenty of thingswe're doing.
There's a lot of things to do toimprove going on video so I can
look at you in the eyes.
We're working on that.
That'll probably be next year.
(04:48):
But just to give you, this isnot where I was planning on
going, by the way.
Just to give you an idea of thepodcast, we're growing.
So in the past seven days, I'mjust going to share some of
these with you guys so you guyscan get it.
In the past week, as of thisrecording of the episode,
Tuesday, I just got back from myauntie's wedding.
(05:10):
As of this recording, we haveabout...
It's kind of feels crazy to saypast seven days, we've had 726
downloads in the past weekalone, which is crazy.
Of course, that's not Joe Rogannumbers, but I remember when
that was like five.
I remember when that number waslike five.
(05:31):
So thank you, guys.
And then that's where I say thepodcast.
You can times that by a month,whatever.
I feel not uncomfortable, butthat's just that's what we do
about a week.
So you can do some math, figureout where we're going from
there.
With that, we also are thinkingof new ways to improve the
podcast.
(05:52):
My mindset is always like, okay,we're getting some traction.
That's cool.
How can we capitalize?
How can we do more on that?
So with that in mind, if youguys already don't know, this is
a good opportunity.
Every Monday, I do a socialmedia post on X, Facebook,
Instagram.
Check that.
Well, my Facebook is for myfamily, but Instagram, I'll post
(06:15):
there.
And every Thursday, There's areel or short form content.
If you want to check that out,check out my Instagram.
Every Thursday, you'll begetting one.
So there's going to be one.
Maybe this is Saturday andyou're listening to this
episode.
Go check out my Instagram.
There's going to be a reel therefrom a few days ago.
Check it out.
I think it might have my wife init.
(06:35):
Trying to change that.
But the point is just to reallydevelop, get more of a
relationship going throughposts, through reels, being able
to interact with people wholisten.
and build that community.
We're already starting to buildthe community here on downloads,
but it's kind of hard to havethat interaction on that.
So we're going out and trying toproduce more interaction,
(06:59):
engagement with the community.
And that's really the goal.
Also Twitter, I literally tweet.
I'm kind of a loser.
I tweet every day.
So let's talk there.
It's really good stuff there.
But yeah, just to give you anidea of where we're at with the
podcast, how we plan to goforward, some things that we
(07:19):
have in the pipeline to comeforward and like, hey, we're
trying to do this for XYZcommunity, building that
community engagement, thingslike that.
So just to give you an idea ofwhat that looks like, that's
what we're doing.
Also.
You may have seen it already bythe time this episode comes out,
but I'm not a good clip maker.
(07:41):
Rio has been working hard ontrying to make clips.
I respect that man.
He gets paid negative$12 amonth.
Shout out him.
But feel worse for me because Iget paid even less.
Can you imagine?
Even less.
Jokes aside, I'm just beingserious.
But we're also making clips.
(08:04):
taking it from the show.
It's not going to be great atfirst, to be super honest.
It's not going to be great, butwe want it out there.
We want to tell people, we wantto invite more people to this
conversation.
So if you would like to, that'swhat we're doing on our side.
If you would like to invite morepeople to this conversation,
thank you.
Listening the best, literallythe best way.
So thank you for listening.
Second best way, share theepisode, tag Kyle the Horton on
(08:27):
it.
I will reshare it.
I reshare literally everythingthat's the podcast that I'm
tagged in.
Check out my Instagram I shareeverything I see.
And just invite more people tothis conversation.
Tell your friend like, hey, man.
You don't know how to talk topeople.
Maybe you'd get more benefitfrom this.
I don't know.
Something like that.
You know what I mean?
Um, so let's invite more peopleinto this conversation, but
(08:49):
we're, I mean, man, we have sometraction.
We have a full hold.
And thank you guys.
Thank you guys.
Let's go from here.
Let's fricking go from here.
There's a lot of work to bedone.
We just talked about some of thesmall things we're doing.
Um, but there's still even somuch more work, but we're
grateful.
We're definitely grateful.
And we noticed, um, wedefinitely noticed Rio's a funny
guy.
I can't wait to have him on oneday.
(09:10):
Um, But yeah, he has lots of hehas some pretty unique insights,
pretty unique.
Rio's the kind of guy where hewill he will tell you something
and like break it.
He understands like and he'll goand he'll tell you about it.
He'll make sure you want.
OK, anyways, that's we'll savethat for it's a quality and a
(09:31):
lot of people have.
But yeah.
So with that, that was a longthe obsession.
I'm going to finish off bysaying thank you for the growth.
I can't wait to invite morepeople to this conversation.
and build this community up evenmore than it has been.
With that, you've already seenthe title.
Before we jump into the episode,you know what we do around here.
(09:51):
It's called BOSS, B-O-S-Ssegment.
This podcast is all about ushaving a conversation, talking
to each other.
And I would be a charlatan, ascam artist, a Houdini if I
didn't have an opportunity forus to have a conversation.
So how this works is you send ina question to kyletalkspodcast
at gmail.com and put BOSSB-O-S-S in the subject line.
(10:14):
It can be about anything.
Finances, literally anything.
It's just an opportunity for twofriends to talk.
I don't know everything.
I'm 28 years old.
I don't know what I don't know.
I'm still learning.
But this is an opportunity forfriends to have a conversation.
Not as I need to hear theanswer, so I'm sending this in
because I want to hear ananswer.
This is like a, imagine I'm yourhomeboy for a second.
(10:38):
which I hope we are, but youknow, imagine, Hey, I've just, I
got to talk to my whole boyabout this.
That's the point of boss for usto have a conversation.
So if you'd like to send in yourquestions and again, send them
to KyleTalksPodcast at gmail.comand put B-O-S-S in the subject
line.
Let's jump into today's bossquestion.
All right.
(10:58):
This first question comes fromCara.
I hope I'm pronouncing your nameright.
Also, boss, I realized I justdidn't say it.
Boss stands for before openingshow.
So before we jump into the show,this anyways, that's what that
stands for.
Here's a good email from Cara.
Listener question.
Let's jump in.
(11:18):
Hello, Kyle Talks and unofficialproducer Rio.
Okay, so Cara, Kyle Talks is thename of the show.
I'm just Kyle.
You know what I mean?
It feels weird to get calledKyle Talks.
I'm just Kyle, you know.
It's just, Kyle Talks includesboth of us.
Like, this glaze for real, wherewe always say, and unofficial
(11:41):
producer, super awesome, goatedreal.
Let's just, I'm just saying,let's just relax.
You know what I mean?
Anyways, I'm just being funnyand serious, but let's continue.
Hi, Kyle Talks and unofficial.
Hey, how's it going?
I really appreciate and love howyou manage to have real
(12:02):
conversations or at least.
Or at least seem to have goodconversations with people you
don't agree with.
I appreciate this because youdon't really hear that a lot
today.
Yeah, true.
That's where the podcast camefrom.
My question then is how do youactually find common ground?
Sometimes I hear somethingcrazy.
(12:26):
Sometimes I hear something crazylike when someone.
OK, this is good.
This is good.
Sometimes I hear something crazylike when someone tells me the
Republican.
I'm a hardcore Democrat and itfeels like we're coming at two
different worlds.
This literally just happened theother day and it feels like
we're coming from differentworlds.
I hear you.
I hear you.
I hear you.
(12:46):
Sometimes I want to connect withfamily or coworkers, but it
feels impossible, such as theconversation I was having with a
friend.
earlier the Republican wouldlove to hear how you look for
that in that conversation whileI would still say we are friends
thanks to this podcast shout outyou good job good job Cara I
(13:07):
don't know how I can connectwith this person or find some
common ground anyways thanks I'msure my Republican friend will
thank you thanks for what you doand shout out relax with the Rio
Cara okay Hey, Cara, this is Iskim this question.
I skimmed all the questions.
I don't read them for this isgood question.
(13:29):
This is like a for real, reallike this is I think the first
time we've gotten like a reallike a this is how it is.
So one, thank you for sending inyour question.
We appreciate it.
Really do appreciate that.
Two, let's just jump.
How do you find common ground?
I think you just find it right.
Like you find something that youboth fundamentally, hopefully,
(13:52):
probably agree on, especiallywhen it comes to politics or so.
And I'm glad this podcast isreaching like people who think
differently politics wise amongthemselves, because that's
really where we need to havelike the best conversations and
really understand.
So, Cara, you are genuinely.
(14:13):
doing what Kyle Talks is allabout.
So thank you for that.
That's what it's about.
You can be a hardcore left,hardcore right.
It doesn't matter.
How can we find common ground?
And I think before I want to saythis, because I think this is
like a super like practicalquestion and real question I
(14:34):
want to spend time on.
You sending this in, I feel likesays a lot about you, right?
Like, I feel like you're like,hey, I have this belief.
How do I find common ground justso I can talk to this other
person?
Your friend, the Republican,we'll call him or her or them,
whatever, you know, we'll callthem that the Republican.
(14:57):
I think this says a lot aboutyou.
It's like, hey, you know, wedisagree on obviously whatever
it is Democrats and Republicansdisagree on.
But I still want to connect withthis person.
I actually huge W actually hugeW.
I think this I'm not trying toglaze you by really do you think
This says a lot about you as aperson.
(15:18):
So congratulations.
You're living, genuinely livingthe Kyle Talks mission.
Thank you for that.
How can you create commonground?
I think you just have to findit.
I mean, like I said, we're justtwo homies having a
conversation.
I don't...
(15:39):
I think finding common ground'svery...
And I could be wrong, obviously.
I'm still learning.
I think finding common groundcan be very...
Hmm...
Like in the moment, like youhave to know the context of the
situation, depending on whateverit is.
But I think starting fromanywhere, pick somewhere where
you might think pick somewherewhere you think no matter who
(16:00):
you are, no matter what youbelieve, we can agree.
So, for example, I don't know ifthis will work every time, but I
had a conversation with someonewho listens to the podcast.
I have not given my notice.
I've never given my politicalaffiliation out in the podcast,
never said which.
which side or middle I'm on.
(16:21):
And I had someone come out andsay like, hey, he thinks...
He's under the impression that Iam a hardcore liberal in his
words.
So whether he wants to believethat or do you want to believe
that?
Hey, that's up to you.
We have that conversation and wewere talking about it.
And this was over Instagramchat, so not like the most best
(16:44):
place, you know what I mean?
But I was thinking like, well,where's common ground that we
can find?
And it's always hard.
It's always going to be hard.
You're going to have to fightfor it.
It's not like you can just saythis one thing and you agree.
You have to find what makessense for the conversation,
what's contextual to theconversation, and you have to
find it's going to be hard tofind it, but you have to fight
(17:04):
for that.
So if you can't get that, thenyou're going nowhere.
So, for example, in thisconversation with this very
interesting individual, I said,I mean, we both agree that.
People dying is an issue, right?
Like we don't want people todie.
And he said, you know what?
I can agree to that.
That is somewhere where weconnect.
We don't want people to die.
(17:25):
Boom.
Conversation went then.
Maybe I'll talk about it oneday.
We had a good conversation.
It was over chat.
So, you know, but we had it.
And that was our common ground.
We thought it's we don't wantpeople to die.
We don't want people to suffer.
And then all these other thingscame from that.
Oh, yeah, this we don't wantpeople to suffer.
We don't want people to starve,whatever it may be.
(17:46):
you And that comes back to thecommon ground of we don't want
people to die.
We actually agree.
Well, we agree on so manythings.
You see what I'm saying?
Like that's and we had to fightfor that.
And but that was an Instagramconversation.
This is just an example.
When you're in real life with aperson, it has to be contextual.
Can't just say, well, we believethe sky is blue.
(18:08):
Like, OK, that means nothing forthis conversation.
Sure.
So, yeah, you have to.
I don't know if I'm like helpingyou at all, to be honest,
because I can't.
I can't give you like, just saythis one thing.
And Republicans hate this onething, you know, to your friend.
And I don't have that.
Democrats hate this one thing.
I can't, you know, that doesn'texist as far as I'm aware.
(18:31):
So you just have common ground.
Find it.
You have to fight it.
Fight for it.
Which means a lot for theconversation.
Because if you have to fight tofind common ground, boom, you're
connecting.
There's trust.
Hey, man, I may disagree withyou, but I want to find common
ground.
Let's find that.
Says a lot about you says a lotand very positively.
So that's what, that's what Iwould recommend again.
(18:53):
Sorry.
I don't have like the one magicsaying, but I do think finding
common ground is you have tofight for it.
Um, again, and if you'refighting for common ground, that
says a lot about you and yourperson you're having a
discussion with.
Cause you're like, Hey, I'minvested in this conversation.
I'm invested in thisrelationship.
Um, so I want to find thiscommon ground.
(19:14):
Kudos to you, Cara.
Kudos to you.
That's a really good question.
Um, That's a genuine real worldquestion.
So kudos to you.
Good job.
You're kind of leading meperfectly to today's episode,
which is all about curiosity andnot canceling.
It's like Cara knew what theepisode was going to be about.
(19:36):
So I'm just going to jump rightinto our main episode.
Thank you for your question.
Curiosity is better thancanceling.
When I said that, my Siri cameon and I was talking to her.
But my question for you, when'sthe last time you had a
conversation where you stoppedlistening because you're waiting
for your turn to talk?
(19:56):
I just shared my story of myInstagram experience, that
struggle to find common ground.
Oh, you believe this?
Why?
How did you get there?
I'll share this story again.
I've shared it a million timeswhen I was talking to my friend
in college who was like, allcops are bastards.
Me having family members andpeople that I...
(20:17):
Trust as an authority in mylife, I was like, whoa, I have a
couple of those in my life likethey're not all bastards, but.
And I heard him out, I once Isaid, like, what do you get?
How do you how did you getthere?
Why do you believe that?
And we're the best of friendstoday.
(20:37):
I didn't know these schools incollege.
It just kind of happened that.
But that's the point.
I was.
Through God's grace, it justhappened like that.
But I didn't know, I disagreedvery heavily with this thing
that I heard.
And now we're the best offriends today.
I love this.
I love that man more thananything.
(20:57):
Like he's, and he's a greatfather too, by the way.
So it's like, how could, that'swhat we need more in society.
Having that curiosity and think,whoa, you just said that?
I'm out.
You know, like yikes.
Yeah, you believe that?
Yikes.
You're not, and what the issueis, Beautiful people who are
listening, what the issue withthat mindset is of hearing
(21:21):
something like and not havingcuriosity for it.
The issue for that is you're notimproving yourself.
You're not understandingdifferent positions.
And three, you're notcultivating a place where people
want to talk.
If you shut down because someonesays something and you're
shutting down, Kyle, I'm notshutting down.
I just don't have a conversationwith them.
(21:42):
I hate to say this.
You have loser mentality.
You're shutting down and you'remaking the other person seem
like a better person than you.
You're not saying I'm wrong, soI must be right, right?
That's the point.
That's that's what's scary anddangerous.
We need to have curiosity again.
We have to shy away fromshutting down when you hear
(22:04):
something you don't like andask.
And now you think to yourself,well, I disagree with that very
heavily.
Maybe you have an emotionalresponse to that.
Be in control of your emotions.
Oh, OK, that's why.
Oh, how did you get there?
While you're having an emotionalresponse.
How did we get there?
(22:25):
Why do I think that?
That says so much about you.
You're a mature person, andthat's what we want to cultivate
at CalTalks.
Curiosity is always better thancanceling.
So that in mind, today, have youguys seen how my notes have
gotten better?
Today, we're exploring howcuriosity can make tough
(22:48):
conversations not tough, evenwhen there's disagreement.
Instead of shutting down,fighting back, curiosity opens
doors, and it says a lot aboutyou.
As an individual, like it doesCara.
Shout out, Cara.
You're asking real life.
Yeah, thank you.
You're asking good questions.
(23:08):
So what I promised you, everyepisode I put out, I want it to
be encouraging, beneficial.
I just don't want to put outnonsense.
I don't want to put out stuffwhere I just yap endlessly for
30, 45 minutes, whatever it maybe, and you don't get anything
out of it.
I want you to get something outof every episode, not just
entertainment, but somethinglike, oh, I can actually take
(23:29):
that for this week so that inmind um you're going to be able
to after listening to thisepisode you'll your mindset's
going to be different you'llhave tools they can use in your
next part of conversation andthen i have links like articles
that i used to get this to lookat some of this stuff um but why
(23:49):
why does curiosity matter kyleum okay kyle i'm hearing you say
i should be curious when someonesays um they're a republican or
democrat and And I'm not.
And they believe whateverRepublicans, Democrats believe.
I am on the opposite.
Why should I have a conversationwith them?
(24:10):
Why?
Why should I be curious how theygot there?
You are asking good questions.
What do the experts say?
Here's the biggest thing acrossevery article, Google, chat, GPT
books.
Here's the number one.
I mean, this all boils down tothis.
Curiosity is a signal forrespect and willingness to
(24:34):
understand someone, to trulyunderstand someone.
I mean, you can type in whycuriosity matters in a
conversation and that will comeup article after article, link
after link.
If you put it in chat GPT, whichI did, it comes back in chat.
It's no matter where you go,this is the number one thing.
So I'll say it one more timebecause this is the biggest
(24:54):
thing.
Curiosity is a signal forrespect and willingness this to
truly understand someone or whatthey believe just understand
someone as a person andunderstand their belief belief
systems that's like everyeverywhere comes back with that
um so that's the biggest thingsecondly This is something I did
(25:18):
because I think it's, I mean, Icould be wrong on this, but
based on the links and stuffthat you can check out for
yourself in the show notes, itturns opponents into people to
have conversations with.
I'll just keep on using myselfas an example because it's easy.
Oh, you believe all cops arebastards?
Instead of shutting down andthinking like, oh, this is, what
(25:40):
a terrible point of view, Idisagree.
Well, actually, why do youbelieve that?
Oh, that's why you believe that.
Well, I disagree with you, butyeah, I mean, I get it.
Oh my gosh, there'sunderstanding.
We need that in today's society.
We need that into today'ssociety.
(26:03):
So we need to get rid of, like Isaid in the last episode, 163,
society, and this is true,society has conditioned us to be
losers.
Society has conditioned us tohave loser mentalities.
Oh, you believe this?
Shut down.
ignore you block you move awayfrom you disregard you i hate to
(26:27):
say this that that is you're nota loser because you as a person
are not but that idea and whatyou're reflecting just gives off
loser vibes so if the shoe fitsyou know what i mean don't and
society has told us society iswhen someone disagrees with you
they're a bigot they hate youthey hate this type of people
(26:49):
whatever it is they Blah, blah,blah.
X, Y, Z, X, Y, Z, X, Y, Z.
Lose your mentality.
Now, there are some people outthere who are not interested in
any kind of conversation.
And that's okay.
Just don't have a conversationwith them.
It obviously won't beproductive.
There are people out there likethat.
(27:11):
Yes, a thousand percent.
It's not worth it to haveconversations with them.
Just move on.
Whatever it is, just move on.
What we're doing at Kyle Talksis we're changing that
mentality.
Oh, you believe that?
Oh, you don't support BLM?
It's Kyle.
I do not.
I went from supporting them tonot supporting them, supporting
(27:32):
them.
Now I don't support them.
It's a long thing.
We'll talk about it later.
But I don't support them.
That's not as controversialtoday.
So I guess, I don't know, a lotof people don't support them now
because of the owner's...
ignorant actings.
Um, but it's like, uh, you know,I don't support them.
So I've had conversations,people who are diehard BLM fans
(27:54):
and I'm half black by the way.
Um, and we talk about it like,Hey, this is why I don't.
And we have good conversations.
Oh, I get that.
Oh, that actually makes sense.
I may disagree with you, but Iactually see how you at least
got there.
And you're not just, you seewhat I'm saying that we need
that curiosity invites moreconversation.
UNKNOWN (28:14):
Um,
SPEAKER_00 (28:15):
So we have to change these mindsets of we got to get
out of debate mode.
I need to win this conversation.
We talked about this in 163 and162.
I'm just going to throw facts atthem.
Does that work?
We all say no, it does not work.
You can't throw facts.
There is no winning.
(28:35):
You may quote unquote win theconversation, but you lost a
person who will never listen toyou again.
That's not winning.
Not even in the slightest.
We got to get rid of this shutdown mode.
We'll just agree to disagree.
Okay, so we're just not going tohave a conversation.
All right, like how is thatbeneficial?
We got to get rid of that.
And we do have to adopt thismindset of curiosity.
(28:59):
Curiosity mode is what I'mcalling it.
This is super cliche, but yeah,tell me more.
How did you get there?
I'm curious.
I may disagree, but how did youget there?
I'm actually really curiousabout that.
So What does that do when weadopt that mode?
Curiosity, being the main focalpoint of this episode, refers...
(29:23):
Kind of changes conversations.
So it's not necessarily adisagreement anymore, even
though it is.
It's more like discovery.
How did you get there?
Why did you get there?
Tell me more.
And it's less combative.
So there's not like, well, Ibelieve this.
We just butt heads.
How did you get there?
Oh, your walls start to comedown a little bit.
(29:45):
Their walls start to come down.
Oh, now I'm just sharing abouthow I got there.
Oh, we're cooking.
That's what we need.
Sorry, I'm getting passionate.
That's what we need in thistoday's society that's what we
need and so that's the curiositymindset we want to promote these
kind of things and then I guysknow I'm the king of
practicality I love what arepractical okay Kyle this sounds
(30:08):
great maybe you're on board Kylethat sounds really good how do I
do this and I have a list of afew ways of we can do this one
being the biggest we ask tounderstand we don't ask to well
I'm about to ask them this.
And I'm about to ruin theirwhole day with facts.
No, that's not how we do it.
(30:30):
Maybe you could do that.
Sure.
Maybe you can't.
No one's saying you can't.
Maybe you can't.
Sure.
But we need to ask tounderstand.
I will always bring this.
All cops are bastards.
How did you get there?
And boy, did I understand afterhe said that.
Boy, did I understand.
Like, yeah.
Honestly, can't blame you.
I get it.
I get it.
(30:50):
Yeah, I get it.
So we need to replace like ourarguments with questions.
Or so, for example, something Isay is, why is that important to
you?
Or how is that important to you?
Or what specifically about thismakes that important?
Why do you believe that way?
And then how do you see it?
How did you get there?
Why do you think all cops arebastards?
(31:12):
Why do you think abortion isright?
Why do you think abortion iswrong?
Why do you think the SeattleSeahawks are better than the
Cowboys?
There's a mix of seriousness andnot seriousness there.
But the point is, I know I'mgoing to get some messages about
that one, but we want to haveconversations.
We want to have conversations.
(31:32):
This is a place where we haveconversation.
I will repeat this.
Truth is exclusive.
Only one person can be right.
Two people cannot be right, butwe're not there yet.
We're not in the business offinding out truth just quite
yet.
We got to start talking topeople first.
And after we have conversations,then we can get to the who's
(31:54):
right, the truth argument.
Do you understand what I'mtrying to say?
Truth is exclusive.
What we're doing here is notabout finding out the truth
because you can't find out thetruth if you don't talk to
someone.
So we got to learn how to talkto each other.
So you have to ask tounderstand.
(32:14):
Next thing I do is assumegoodwill on people.
I know not everyone's good.
I know we all have our things,but people remember this.
I mean, my therapist wife lovedthis one.
We are all as people, natureversus nurture.
We are shaped by ourexperiences, by our upbringing,
by our media.
(32:35):
So what does that mean?
Curiosity is asking why theybelieve and not assuming a bad
intent.
Oh, you think this is wrong?
Why?
That is you see where I'mcombative.
I'm putting the other person indefense.
I'm being like trying to attackthem, which is not how a
(32:55):
conversation, a productiveconversation should go.
How did you get?
Why do you believe that?
I'm just, oh, no, I hear you andI understand that.
I actually disagree with you,but I'm more curious as to how
you got there.
Oh, boom, walls coming down.
Well, yeah, actually, this ishow I got there.
This is why I believe that.
(33:17):
Oh, I get it now.
You see what I'm saying here?
You're reframing theconversation.
Again, we're not looking fortruth at this exact moment.
We're just trying to talk topeople and we can't even do that
yet.
So let's do that.
Have a good will about them.
How did you get there?
Some people are going to say,well, that's because this person
told me to believe that.
(33:39):
Don't laugh at them.
Be like, all right.
What do you think?
Like, have you ever thoughtabout it personally?
Do you just do whatever?
I don't know.
Ben Shapiro or lemons.
Don Lemon says, you know whatI'm saying?
Like, do you just listen tothem?
Like, do you not have your ownthoughts about anything?
Yeah.
(34:01):
Don't laugh when someone saysthat because there's a lot of
people out in the world likethat.
But invite them to like, well,maybe you should look into that
more to see what you think.
And even if you think the samething, okay, sure.
But at least now we can have aconversation about it instead of
just regurgitating whatever thisperson says.
(34:23):
Next mindset, I think, is reallyimportant signs for us is this
comes from Julia Galef.
So this is not mine.
I think I said her last nameright.
Galef is the she's as Juliecalls it the scout versus
soldier mindset.
So a soldier, they defend afortress of beliefs.
Here's my beliefs.
(34:44):
Here's my beliefs.
And I and I just defend themmindlessly.
That's what a soldier does.
What a scout does is a scoutmaps reality as it is, even if
it changes or challenges theirown views.
So a soldier defends and say,hey, this is what I believe.
A scout will say, well, let medraw a map of this.
(35:06):
Oh, that that map is showingdifferently than what I think.
You know what I'm saying?
We want to have a scout mindset,not a soldier mindset.
So curiosity keeps you in scoutmode.
Shout out, Julia.
I thought that was pretty good.
And again, there's conversationsaren't just about conversation.
I think there's also nonverballike you're listening position.
(35:29):
Are you listening intently?
So small things like nodding,small, small stuff like that.
Having a conversation withsomeone who's silent and one
who's like actively listening,like, oh, OK.
Oh, yeah.
Well, that makes sense.
Like how it's like, OK, Iactually know you're listening.
It's small, but I definitelythink it's a big piece of it.
(35:51):
Like all these tools that wewant.
I think the nonverbal activelistening is a big one.
So those are some, I will gothrough them again.
These are good tactics forcultivating curiosity, which we
already talked about why it's sogood.
You want to ask to understand.
You want to assume goodwill inpeople and like, hey, how did
you get there?
Why did you get there?
(36:12):
We want to have a scout mindset,not a soldier mindset.
And then active listening.
And I think where these reallycome in, I mean, shout out Cara.
I'll just use, honestly, Cara.
I had some examples, but let'sjust use Cara.
Cara in her thing, in her bosssegment question today said
like, Hey, I'm a Democrat.
My friend noticed.
She said, my friend, um, is aRepublican and we disagree.
(36:36):
They disagreed on whatever it isthey disagreed about, but she
still sent in a question asking,Hey, I want to find common
ground with this individual.
Boom.
That's what we need.
Oh my gosh.
I'm getting like, it's going tosound nerdy, but I'm getting
goosebumps.
That's what I'm like.
(36:56):
Legit have goosebumps right now.
That's what we need more of.
Have that curiosity.
Curiosity to know the otherperson and curiosity to say,
hey, I want to continue thisconversation.
Let's find something we agreeabout.
So that's a perfect, real,genuine real-life example with
Kara.
Other examples might be politicsand Thanksgiving, which I hate.
(37:20):
Debating a friend about cancelculture.
You know, AI, where it's going.
Do you know in China at least...
I was just listening to anepisode the other day.
About 10,000 or 10 million youngChinese women said they're going
to have an AI boyfriend.
SPEAKER_01 (37:39):
Huh,
SPEAKER_00 (37:40):
interesting.
I thought that was a reallyinteresting statistic.
Anyways, I'm getting off topic.
Anyways, for just your curiosityin daily life, demonstrate...
what Curiosity First looks like.
(38:01):
What does that look like?
And it's a tool.
It's not going to be perfectright off the jump.
It's not going to be like, I'mso good at this.
So that's what we want to do.
So here's what I want tochallenge you with.
I challenge you with whoeveryou're having a conversation
with that you're disagreeing.
Ask a question instead of readyto argue.
You hear something crazy thatyou don't believe with.
(38:23):
Instead of saying like arguing,well, here's why.
Facts, facts, facts.
Just ask a genuine question.
How did you get there?
Why?
I'm just curious.
It might be painful.
It's definitely going to behard.
I'm still learning too.
So this goes for me as well.
But it's like, how did you getthere?
I maybe emotionally vehementlydisagree.
(38:45):
But how did you get there?
Man, that says a lot about youas a person.
And I'm talking to myself rightnow.
That says a lot about you.
If you can do that, that says alot, a lot about you.
What did we talk about thisepisode?
We talked about how curiositysignals respect.
Ask questions.
(39:07):
How did someone get there?
Rather than having a counterargument ready to go.
People have experiences.
Ask about the experiences.
Understand that.
Where did that come from?
Learning more.
And then have the scout mindset.
Don't have the soldier mindset.
And this is my final thought.
Curiosity won't make us agree oneverything.
(39:29):
I'll say that again.
Curiosity won't make us agree oneverything, but it can keep us
human with each other, even whenwe don't see eye to eye.
That's the, that's the, that'sthe podcast episode for the day.
I hope you guys enjoyed it.
I hope you get something out ofthis.
I want to hear those stories.
Send them to me, DM the me, textthem, whatever.
(39:52):
Um, tell me, Hey Kyle, I justhad this conversation and I
asked them this question.
And although I still don't agreewith them, I get what they're
saying.
That's what we want.
So send those examples to me atKyle talks, podcast, Gmail, um,
dot at gmail.com.
No, I'd love, I love guys.
I mean, I shared it in thebeginning.
I shared it in the beginning.
I talked a little about now.
(40:12):
We have momentum.
We're starting to change.
We're starting to buildcommunities.
You guys are inviting people.
You're telling them to listen.
Let's capitalize.
Invite someone to listen to thisepisode.
Share this episode on yoursocial media, Instagram, X,
whatever it is, and tag me ifyou do that.
Or just send this episode tosomeone directly.
Let's invite more people to thisconversation.
(40:35):
Let's bring more people to thetable to talk with.
If you'd like to support thatmission, of course, listening
sharing you also have a patreonlink down below to help us
invite more people to thisconversation to support uh rio
and i i guess i'll just put himfirst you guys like real um but
i would love love to get morepeople in on this conversation
(40:56):
with that remember one man wholoves you more than you could
ever understand died on thecross for you and that man's
name is jesus i will see youguys next time on the economy
peace
UNKNOWN (41:13):
Thank you.
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