February 26, 2025 • 34 mins
Episode Title: Dating is Like Shopping—Here’s How to Avoid Buyer’s Remorse
Release Date: February 26, 2025
Hey Love! ❤️
Dating these days can feel like wandering through a store with no price tags. You’re trying things on, but no one’s telling you if it’s on sale, final purchase, or just a display model. And honestly? It’s exhausting not knowing where you stand. Too many people rush through the process, skipping steps, then wonder why things don’t last. So today, we’re slowing it down and breaking it all the way down—because love isn’t something you rush to the checkout with.
In this episode, we’re walking through the Four Stages of Dating and why each one matters. Whether you’re just stepping back into the dating scene or trying to figure out why things keep stalling, this breakdown will help you navigate the process with clarity and intention. Because when you know the steps, you don’t waste time on what’s not for you.
Here’s what we’ll cover:
• Phase 1: "I’m Outside" (Window Shopping) – Exploring what’s out there without committing, making sure you're truly open to love and not just avoiding loneliness.
• Phase 2: Dating (Holding the Item, Feeling It Out) – Testing the waters, being intentional without rushing into exclusivity.
• Phase 3: Courtship (Trying It On, Making a Decision) – The phase where exclusivity comes into play; it's about commitment and alignment before making it official.
• Phase 4: Relationship (The Purchase) – You’re all in. It’s about building something solid and maintaining the love you’ve cultivated.
Key Takeaways:
• Learn why skipping phases leads to confusion and heartbreak.
• Understand how each phase teaches you something essential about yourself and your needs.
• Discover how to move from casual dating to commitment with confidence.
• Identify red and yellow flags that signal when it’s time to pause and reassess.
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Because at L_ve Frequency, we believe when you know… you grow! 🌱
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Nia (00:00):
Can I be real with y'all for a second?
Dating these days feels likewandering through a store with
no price tags.
You're trying things on butnobody's helping you, telling
you if it's a sale, finalpurchase or just a display model
and, honestly, it's exhausting.
It's exhausting not knowingwhere you stand.
(00:22):
Too many people are rushingthrough this process, skipping
steps, then wondering why thingsdon't last.
So today I thought we'd slowthings down.
Let's break this dating thingall the way down and remove the
ambiguity, because love isn'tsomething you rush.
(00:44):
You are now tuning in to LoveFrequency, where love grows, so
let's go.
Welcome to Love Frequency, thepodcast that helps you transform
(01:05):
your pain into power.
I'm your host and favorite loveadvocate, nya, here to guide
you through the journey ofbreaking toxic patterns and
embracing your highest self.
On this podcast, we believethat love is not the problem,
honey.
You are.
That's why, every Wednesday, weask the tough questions, dive
(01:26):
deep into the root of the issueand offer tools to help you get
out of your own way.
If you're loving what you hear,hit that subscribe button so
you never miss an episode.
And don't be shy.
Rate and review the podcast tohelp us spread the love and the
truth, because when you know,you grow.
(01:50):
So let's get right to it.
As I'm going through this seasonof dating with intention and
really leaning into what thatmeans, it has been very
interesting putting yourself outthere, meeting people where
they are, in the conversationsthat tend to transpire.
(02:12):
Recently I've met someone who Ithink is a dope human being
great conversation, goodchemistry.
We're just at two verydifferent places when it comes
to dating and I noticed that ifI would have met this same
person several years ago, Idon't think I would have been
able to respect the space thatthey are in, because your mind
(02:35):
tells you, if there's goodchemistry and you guys seem to
like each other, what's theproblem?
Well, everything that looksgood ain't good for you.
That is not an assessment ofthis other person.
I'm not saying because she fine, she toxic, that ain't it, just
because we are connecting andthere's chemistry and there's a
(02:57):
good vibe.
But you tell me that you're notready to be in a connection and
I tell you that I am datingwith intention.
There's misalignment and inthat conversation I have to stop
and look at myself and myvalues and ask myself am I
willing to compromise my valuesand where I say I am to meet
(03:20):
this person where they are.
So just because it looks good,just because it feels good,
that's not always an indicationthat I need to forego the work
that I've been doing.
Our last conversation I finallyjust said hey, what does dating
mean to you?
What does getting to knowsomeone mean to you, and are the
(03:41):
two different?
What a great conversation meanto you and are the two different
.
What a great conversation.
What a great question to ask.
Because I think a lot of timeswe assume, we think that this
topic is going to organicallycome up through random exchange,
and it can for some of us, butfor others we don't know the
heavy that people are bringinginto connections and beyond
(04:04):
heavy.
We just don't know people'sstory.
So we can't assume that we aregoing to uncover important
details.
Why not lean in and just ask?
So me asking this question mademe really step back and go well
, damn, what does dating mean tome?
I can tell you the outcomes ofthis discussion was me really
(04:28):
sitting with dating, courting,talking, situationship,
entanglement, friends withbenefits, all of these great
subcategories that we've createdwasn't mean anymore.
If we're just talking versus,we're chilling, versus we're
dating, versus datingexclusively, it's exhaustive.
(04:49):
So I've created four categoriesfor myself.
You can use them if you want toJust give me credit.
But I created them because Ithink when I talk to people it
is an easier way to be veryclear.
And it also made me wonder am Ithe only one?
Have you ever been in aconnection with somebody where
(05:11):
there was some uneasiness aroundasking what are we, what are we
doing?
Where is this going?
Are we building or am I justwasting my time?
It goes without saying that, asyou're entering into the dating
(05:35):
phase, that a precursor or aprerequisite would be to be
single.
I hope that at the very least,we can all be on the same page
with this.
If you're polyamorous, it's adifferent situation.
If you're ethicallynon-monogamous, I guess that is
single adjacent.
(05:56):
But if you were in arelationship, if you are married
, if you are exclusive, if youare committed, get the fuck on.
I ain't talking to you.
I'm so sorry to be like this,but if you are dating, you know
that the dating pool is muddledwith those that are already in
commitments that they're hopingto turn into entanglements.
(06:17):
Let me pause because thisactually might be for y'all to
come and get some of thisthought water.
Baby, I'm so sorry.
You're thirsty and you do needthis drink, not the drink you're
thirsting for.
So my apologies.
I can admit what I'm wrong.
Sit your ass down.
This is for you.
(06:39):
So let's talk about the firstphase.
I'm outside Now.
A lot of people here outsideand immediately think this means
we are here running wild,entertaining everybody or just
looking for a good time.
We're out here being fun.
But that's not what this phaseis about.
I'm outside means I'm exploring, not committing.
(07:01):
It's about checking in withyourself, seeing what's out
there and figuring out what youactually want before making any
decisions.
There's beautiful freedom inthis space.
Think of it like walking into astore without a shopping list.
You're just looking around,seeing what catches your eye.
(07:21):
It's window shopping.
Now, this phase is for anybodywho's just getting back into the
dating scene, not sure whatthey want, or if they're ready
to date.
If you are actively healingfrom a breakup, being outside is
for you.
Whether this is a breakup froma relationship or a situation,
(07:49):
pain doesn't care about thelabel baby.
Pain does not discriminate.
If you're coming out of along-term relationship or a long
period of being single, beingoutside is a great place to
start, or if you're someone whois currently enjoying being in
multiple open-ended situationswith no real boundaries, be
(08:10):
outside.
I love this for you, I lovethis for us, no matter where you
are or how you got there.
This phase is your chance topause and pay attention.
Say that with me Pause and payattention, because this is the
moment where you either grow orrepeat old patterns.
(08:32):
And let's be clear once againfor the people in the back being
outside is not about beingreckless.
It's not about saying yes toevery offer, letting everyone in
your space or treating peoplelike temporary entertainment.
Being outside is about learningyourself.
This phase gives you time tomove at your own pace.
(08:54):
That means having conversations, getting to know people, doing
things that bring you joy, notbecause you're trying to impress
someone, but because you'refiguring out what aligns with
you.
And, honestly, there'ssomething beautiful about
meeting people who are in thesame space exploring, learning,
(09:18):
growing.
You know that phrase that youattract what you emit.
Be careful what you're givingoff when you're outside.
You hear me as the researcherthat you should become for
yourself.
When you're outside, are youexploring or are you avoiding?
Because sometimes the people wemeet bring things out in us
(09:43):
good or bad, and it's not byaccident.
Every reaction you have, everytrigger, every spark of interest
or irritation, that'sinformation.
My question are you payingattention to it?
If you're outside and you keeprunning into situations that
(10:03):
create resistance, that'sexciting.
That's a yellow flag, notice?
I didn't say red flag.
See, flags.
We really like to pull thoseflags out our pockets when we're
dating somebody and throw it atthem, but flags aren't about
them.
You guessed it.
They're about you.
If a new person is stirringsomething in you, the real
(10:23):
question should be why?
What is this moment trying toteach me about myself?
So, before you move into thenext phase, make sure your time
outside is rooted in your values, not your distractions.
This is also where you canprocess, sit with, evaluate,
(10:45):
reassess your values.
If you don't know your valuesby name, take a minute to find
them.
Name your top four.
That's my challenge to you.
Ask yourself why they matter.
Because when you know what youstand on 10 toes down, it's a
lot harder to get knocked offyour feet, baby.
(11:07):
And if you're not there yet,that's okay.
Why?
Because you get to pick howlong you stay outside.
So stay a little bit longer.
Just make sure that your timeoutside, you're actually
learning, not just loitering.
Okay, honey, all right.
(11:32):
So when we're outside that'swhen we're window shopping,
looking around seeing what's outthere the next step happens
when something catches the eyeand you just keep coming back to
it.
You ever been in a storewalking around and there's that
one item that you are just stuckon?
(11:52):
You pick it up, put it backdown, go back over there,
examine it, maybe even put it onhold.
You haven't committed to buyingit yet, but there's just
something about it that keepsdrawing you in.
Maybe that's dating.
Now, before you decide to comeinside and start seriously
(12:14):
considering this purchase, Iwant you to first ask yourself
am I drawn to this item becauseI genuinely want it, or am I
seeking some sort of validation?
Because, listen, there's a bigdifference between wanting
something and needing something.
Wanting connection is aboutpartnership.
(12:36):
Needing validation is rooted inthings that you have not
explored or healed yet, and ifyou don't know the difference,
you'll end up investing energyinto something that was never
meant to be yours in the firstplace.
See, dating is where you startputting intentional effort into
(12:56):
what's next.
There's still no commitment,but there should be clear
intention.
This means open conversations,mutual understanding and no
guessing games.
And let me put you on game realquick If you're feeling
resistance, confusion,inconsistency, you might be
(13:17):
dating somebody who's stilloutside baby, they're still
window shopping while you'retrying to put them on hold and
that right there.
That's where people get hurt.
Don't force what doesn't fit.
This is why it's so importantfor both people to be on the
same page when you enter intothis phase.
(13:37):
Dating should be a choice, notan accident or coincidence.
That whole fairytale idea thatthings just magically fall into
place, it'll just organicallyhappen Now that's some bullshit.
Who in his life ever showed youthat that shit just
accidentally works?
The truth is, sometimes we wantthings we know we shouldn't
(14:00):
have, and that's why alignmentmatters.
Whatever you and this personare building, whether it's
exclusive or not, it should makesense for both of you Because,
at the end of the day, effort ismutual.
This phase takes work, notstruggle, not prove your worth
(14:22):
type of work, but effort.
This is where friendships andtrust are built.
This is where a solidfoundation is established.
This is where mutual investmenthappens.
And because dating takes time,you don't need to rush it.
If it's aligned, there will beopen communication, there will
(14:45):
be understanding and, mostimportantly, there will be
clarity.
And also, just like in thefirst phase, you should still be
checking in with your values.
But this phase is also where,after there's some trust that's
been built, you can startsharing some of those more
difficult conversations.
But not to dump your past insomeone else's lap, hoping it'll
(15:11):
make them appreciate you more.
Not to use pain as a bondingtool, but to reflect, to learn
more about yourself and to seeif this person is someone who
can hold space for you the wayyou deserve it.
How differently do you treat thethings that you've chosen
intentionally, that you'veinvested in, that you've taken
(15:35):
time with, versus things thatwere just handed to you so
quickly?
So if I'm dating you, thatmeans I've picked something up,
I've made a decision, I'minterested, I keep coming back,
but it's still in my hands,y'all.
I haven't taken it to theregister.
I'm still deciding.
Now we're in the third phase,now we're in courtship, and this
(16:04):
is when things get serious.
I found something I like, I'vebeen trying it on and now I'm
headed to the register.
I'm no longer just windowshopping and I'm not casually
browsing.
I've made a decision and I'mready to make it official.
It's not just about findingwhat I want.
It's about making sure it fits.
(16:25):
This is when we start to trulysee if we're aligned.
We're not just trying things onanymore.
We're seeing how they fittogether.
Can we make this work long-term?
Does this feel like somethingthat's going to last, or will it
shrink after one wash?
At this point, I'm committed,I'm ready.
I'm not running around lookingfor anything else.
(16:46):
I know what I want and it feelsright.
There's no more wanderingthrough the store.
This is it.
And that's when we talk aboutexclusivity.
It's not about testing thingsout or keeping my options open
anymore.
This is when I've made my mindup and I'm saying this is the
(17:06):
one.
We are headed to the register.
We about to make this thingofficial.
For me, this phase is when Istart to introduce physical
intimacy into the relationship.
Yep, I said it.
I've spent a lot of time givingout my whole self while I was
(17:30):
outside.
I spent a lot of time trying sohard to date people who were
outside and trying to encouragethem to come inside, and using
my body as an enticement.
It doesn't work.
I am waiting until we're makingthis investment.
We've laid the foundationemotionally and intellectually.
We invested the time.
And for me it's about bringingconnection to a next level,
(17:55):
since I am moving in a spacewhere I don't want to rush into
this, because for me it'simportant that the emotional and
intellectual and spiritualconnection is strong before we
get to the physical.
If we're on the same page, Iknow what's worth the wait.
And this is not about beingtraditional.
This is about aligning with myvalues.
(18:15):
This is also the point whereyou start to meet the important
people in your life.
This is not something I takelightly.
I'm just not letting anyone inanymore.
I'm not letting anybody meet mydaughters until we get to this
phase.
You'll know about them, I'lltalk about them, but it's not
until we reach this phase thatyou get to step into that world.
(18:38):
Courtship is about commitment.
It's where we both decide thatwe're ready to make this real,
something lasting.
It's no longer about surfacelevel.
It's about building somethingdeep, something we can both rely
on.
So now that I'm trying it onand I'm heading to the register,
it's time to really see are wealigned in our values, our goals
(19:01):
, what we want for the future?
Is this going to stand the testof time?
Courtship takes exploration to awhole new level.
It's no longer about just theexcitement of finding out
something new.
It's about committing to thisthing and seeing where it can
take us.
So when I say courtship, I'mtelling you that I'm ready to
(19:22):
make this official.
I've made my decision and nowI'm ready to invest in it Heart
and soul.
And now I'm at the register.
I've made my decision, I'minvesting.
This isn't about a decisionmade on a whim either.
(19:45):
This is a conscious commitment,taking it home with me,
introducing it to my world.
It's no longer a question ofwhether or not I'll get it.
I'm standing on business.
I'm standing on this decisionwith both feet planted firmly.
At this stage, we're locked in.
(20:06):
It's not just about beingtogether, it's about creating a
life together.
We are building a solidfoundation in the early stages
and now we get to live and lovefrom that place, not from worry,
confusion.
From that place, not from worry, confusion, misunderstanding,
(20:27):
misalignment.
This is the space where we canbegin to grow together.
We're not just surviving, we'rethriving, supporting one
another in the journey we'veboth chosen to take.
Now notice not any time to thisconversation.
Did we bring up anymaterialistic topics?
How much you make what your carlooked like?
It's far greater than that.
It's time to get one thingstraight, though this ain't a
(20:51):
recipe for a perfectrelationship.
Perfection and love doesn'texist, not in the way we often
fantasize about it.
True perfection, I believe,comes from embracing the fact
that neither one of us isperfect, but we are willing to
see each other and meet eachother.
Where we are, we respectourselves enough to extend that
(21:15):
same respect that we have forourselves to the other person,
and because we love ourself,that makes it easier to love the
other person.
See, it's a cycle that buildson itself, and this is where the
real work begins.
It's about taking everythingwe've learned not just about
(21:35):
each other but ourselves fromthe time we were outside, and
applying it in our everydaylives.
This is where we get toexercise the things we've
learned.
We get to reflect our values,not just in the way we show up,
but in the way we support ourpartner on their journey.
We've taken the time tounderstand what matters, and now
(21:57):
it's about putting thatunderstanding into practice, and
friction's going to happen.
Disagreements are normal.
We're not special, but they'renot the end of the world.
We don't fear them when you'vebuilt solid foundations, because
we understand they're a part ofthe process, we've learned how
to navigate those challengeswith mutual respect and openness
(22:21):
, because that's what we giveourself.
When we hit a rough patch, weknow we're not supposed to take
it personally.
We can disagree, we can feeltriggered, but we don't blame
our partner for the emotionsthat come up.
Instead, we express ourselveshonestly, respectfully, knowing
(22:41):
that this is an opportunity todeepen our connection and
understanding of each other.
You ever been in a relationshipand felt like you were battling
with somebody who just did notlike you, probably didn't like
themselves?
See this phase being in a spacewhere you've made your decision
and you're committed.
(23:01):
Being in a space where you'vemade your decision and you're
committed it's a stage ofconstant self-reflection.
If you say you're ready to bein a relationship, you also have
to be ready to consistentlylook at yourself.
We're not done growing justbecause we're in a relationship.
As we continue to evolve, wehave to keep looking inward,
(23:24):
checking in with ourselves,ensuring we're not bringing in
old patterns or unresolvedissues.
A strong foundation gives usthe tools to navigate life's ups
and downs, but the willingnessto keep evolving that's what
makes it last.
Can't expect to have a lasting,fulfilling relationship if
(23:45):
you're vibrating at a low lovefrequency.
If you don't do your inner work, this foundation is going to
crack, and it takes two peoplecommitted to growth, not just
individually.
Of course, you have to do thework by yourself, but then also,
how do you work as a team?
Because when you're both in it,the chances for success grow
(24:08):
exponentially.
This is the point where youbuild your life together and,
while it's not always smoothsailing, you got the tools now
to weather the storm.
You've set the stage forsomething real and now it's just
time to live in it, breathe init and love in it.
(24:36):
So we talked about the fourstages of dating, but where does
it all go wrong?
When we rush the process, see,people get this messed up,
because a lot of times you meetsomebody and you like them and
you're yearning or craving forwhat Connection or validation.
You want to jump straight tocourtship and commitment and
(24:56):
oftentimes, without trying adamn thing on, you're all in
locking it down, throwing aroundlabels, acting like you're in a
committed relationship when youhaven't even figured out if
they were a good fit to beginwith.
And this is where the troublestarts.
It also shows up when peopleare good at acting acting like
(25:17):
they want to date, acting likethey want to be committed or
intercourtship, but they stilloutside.
How are you over here talkingabout wifing me up and me and my
peoples?
But we ain't even decided if welike the fabric yet.
If we like the fabric yet I'mstill trying to figure out if
this is something that fits mylifestyle, my values, my vibe.
(25:39):
And you already talking aboutlaying down it's not just
premature, it's settingeverybody up for failure.
When we rush things, we'reskipping all the critical steps
that lay the foundation for astrong partnership, a strong
friendship, a strongrelationship.
Think about it.
If you're trying to skip pastgetting to know each other,
(26:00):
learning about yourself or evenestablishing trust, what do you
think is going to happen whenthe real stuff starts to show up
?
Baby, you won't have the toolsor the skills to handle it.
It's like buying a piece offurniture without checking if it
fits in the room first.
Yeah, it look real cute in thestore, but once you get it home,
(26:20):
it not only doesn't match thespace but it doesn't fit and
you're stuck with something youregret.
And this is the relationshippain I see so often People
rushing into things they're notready for and then trying to
force a connection that isn'tthere.
You can't see me?
I'm raising my hand.
(26:41):
That is me.
I am talking to myself, but italso might be you too.
See, we're trying to fast trackthe process with giving
ourselves the time to actuallyexperience the connection.
What are you afraid of?
Why are you afraid to see ifthis really works for you?
Or are you so used to nottapping into what works for you
(27:04):
but doing what is best forothers?
I want to explore that.
What about even trying toexamine if you're on the same
page?
At the end of the day, we allneed time to explore, learn and
reflect, and you can't shortcutyour way to growth.
(27:25):
If we don't allow time andspace for that, we're setting
ourselves up for disappointment,more frustration and,
ultimately, heartache, and weknow this because this is our
damn pattern.
It's a cycle, and the quickerwe try to rush through the
stages of dating to get to theend, the quicker the
(27:49):
relationship is going to end toend.
I can admit I used to be animpulse buyer.
I used to just grab whatevercaught my eye, take it straight
to the register and deal withthe buyer's remorse later.
I didn't care if they wereinside, outside upside down,
(28:13):
whatever they wanted.
I just wanted to keep themaround.
But guess what?
Most of those purchases they atthe goodwill now.
And that's exactly what happenswhen you don't take your time.
You end up giving away thingsthat never really fit you in the
first place.
When we approach dating withpatience and intention, we clear
(28:35):
up so much ambiguity, we stopwasting time on things that
don't serve us and we stopforcing relationships that were
never meant to last.
We stop mistaking infatuationfor connection and when we do
decide to commit, we do itknowing that we've taken the
time to truly understand who weare, what we need and whether
(28:59):
this person is aligned with that.
This approach ain't aboutplaying games.
It's not about being overlycautious or making a
motherfucker prove themselves toyou.
It's about moving with clarityand self-respect and making sure
that your connections are builton some real shit, not some
bullshit.
(29:19):
Look, I know some people mighthear this and think you're doing
too much.
That is not how love works.
That's fair.
I want to hear what you think,but from my experience, moving
with intention protects not justme but the people I date too,
because I don't want to besomeone's impulse purchase.
I don't want to be somethingthat look good in the moment,
(29:42):
only to end up discarded whenreality sets in.
You only saw it one way.
Huh, didn't think that thiscould be flipped on you too.
You might be somebody'sgoodwill pile.
Love is too important for that.
We are too important for that.
(30:07):
You are too important for that.
So tell me, what do y'all think?
Does this approach make sense?
Have you been an impulse buyer?
Have you been the one leftbehind a goodwill?
And if so, what changes are yougoing to make?
(30:29):
Dear love, love is not aclearance sale.
So if you're just out herewindow shopping, don't act like
you're ready to buy.
And if someone's trying to takeyou straight to the register
without even checking the pricerun Because anything worth
having is worth understandingfirst the right person won't
(30:53):
rush you.
They won't pressure you intoskipping steps or make you feel
like you're asking for too muchjust because you're moving with
intention too much.
Just because you're moving withintention.
The right person will movethrough the process with you,
because they're not just lookingfor something quick, they're
looking for something that fits.
And, let's be real, too many ofus have ignored the signs for
(31:18):
something that wasn't meant forus and paid for it later.
But we don't have to keepmaking the same mistake.
We can take our time, crazy huh.
We can move with clarity.
Love Isn't that wonderful.
We can make choices that don'tjust feel good in the moment,
(31:40):
but actually support the lovethat we want to build, that are
a reflection of the love that wehave for ourselves.
So let me run it back for youreal quick.
If you are outside, you'reexploring, learning, figuring
out what you want.
If you're dating, you got youreye on something and you're
(32:01):
starting to invest real energy.
Now courtship is when you'reready to take things to that
next level.
That's exclusivity, that deeperconnection, that real
commitment and commitment.
You've made your choice, you'refully invested.
Now it's time to build.
Now it's time to build.
(32:22):
If you move with clarity, youwon't have to question where you
stand, and that that's how youfind something worth keeping.
So take your time, check thefabric, try it on, make sure it
aligns with your values beforeyou commit, because when you do
(32:43):
it right, love isn't somethingyou settle for.
It's something you stand on.
Thank you for hanging with metoday, love.
I know I said we were going totalk about friends with benefits
(33:07):
, but what happened was.
I was going through some shitand I needed to talk to y'all
about it.
But don't worry, come hang outwith me next week we can talk
about that mess.
Look, we'll get into it nextWednesday.
But if this episode hasnourished your spirit and
(33:29):
elevated your love frequency,hit that subscribe button so we
can keep this conversationgrowing together.
And, while you're at it, sharethis with at least one person
who is starting to date andneeds to gain some clarity,
needs to understand these stages, so they can stop being out
(33:50):
here lying to themselves.
Because at Love Frequency,honey, we believe when you know
you grow.
I love you.
Can I be real with y'all for a second?
Dating these days feels likewandering through a store with
no price tags.
You're trying things on butnobody's helping you, telling
you if it's a sale, finalpurchase or just a display model
and, honestly, it's exhausting.
It's exhausting not knowingwhere you stand.
(00:22):
Too many people are rushingthrough this process, skipping
steps, then wondering why thingsdon't last.
So today I thought we'd slowthings down.
Let's break this dating thingall the way down and remove the
ambiguity, because love isn'tsomething you rush.
(00:44):
You are now tuning in to LoveFrequency, where love grows, so
let's go.
Welcome to Love Frequency, thepodcast that helps you transform
(01:05):
your pain into power.
I'm your host and favorite loveadvocate, nya, here to guide
you through the journey ofbreaking toxic patterns and
embracing your highest self.
On this podcast, we believethat love is not the problem,
honey.
You are.
That's why, every Wednesday, weask the tough questions, dive
(01:26):
deep into the root of the issueand offer tools to help you get
out of your own way.
If you're loving what you hear,hit that subscribe button so
you never miss an episode.
And don't be shy.
Rate and review the podcast tohelp us spread the love and the
truth, because when you know,you grow.
(01:50):
So let's get right to it.
As I'm going through this seasonof dating with intention and
really leaning into what thatmeans, it has been very
interesting putting yourself outthere, meeting people where
they are, in the conversationsthat tend to transpire.
(02:12):
Recently I've met someone who Ithink is a dope human being
great conversation, goodchemistry.
We're just at two verydifferent places when it comes
to dating and I noticed that ifI would have met this same
person several years ago, Idon't think I would have been
able to respect the space thatthey are in, because your mind
(02:35):
tells you, if there's goodchemistry and you guys seem to
like each other, what's theproblem?
Well, everything that looksgood ain't good for you.
That is not an assessment ofthis other person.
I'm not saying because she fine, she toxic, that ain't it, just
because we are connecting andthere's chemistry and there's a
(02:57):
good vibe.
But you tell me that you're notready to be in a connection and
I tell you that I am datingwith intention.
There's misalignment and inthat conversation I have to stop
and look at myself and myvalues and ask myself am I
willing to compromise my valuesand where I say I am to meet
(03:20):
this person where they are.
So just because it looks good,just because it feels good,
that's not always an indicationthat I need to forego the work
that I've been doing.
Our last conversation I finallyjust said hey, what does dating
mean to you?
What does getting to knowsomeone mean to you, and are the
(03:41):
two different?
What a great conversation meanto you and are the two different
.
What a great conversation.
What a great question to ask.
Because I think a lot of timeswe assume, we think that this
topic is going to organicallycome up through random exchange,
and it can for some of us, butfor others we don't know the
heavy that people are bringinginto connections and beyond
(04:04):
heavy.
We just don't know people'sstory.
So we can't assume that we aregoing to uncover important
details.
Why not lean in and just ask?
So me asking this question mademe really step back and go well
, damn, what does dating mean tome?
I can tell you the outcomes ofthis discussion was me really
(04:28):
sitting with dating, courting,talking, situationship,
entanglement, friends withbenefits, all of these great
subcategories that we've createdwasn't mean anymore.
If we're just talking versus,we're chilling, versus we're
dating, versus datingexclusively, it's exhaustive.
(04:49):
So I've created four categoriesfor myself.
You can use them if you want toJust give me credit.
But I created them because Ithink when I talk to people it
is an easier way to be veryclear.
And it also made me wonder am Ithe only one?
Have you ever been in aconnection with somebody where
(05:11):
there was some uneasiness aroundasking what are we, what are we
doing?
Where is this going?
Are we building or am I justwasting my time?
It goes without saying that, asyou're entering into the dating
(05:35):
phase, that a precursor or aprerequisite would be to be
single.
I hope that at the very least,we can all be on the same page
with this.
If you're polyamorous, it's adifferent situation.
If you're ethicallynon-monogamous, I guess that is
single adjacent.
(05:56):
But if you were in arelationship, if you are married
, if you are exclusive, if youare committed, get the fuck on.
I ain't talking to you.
I'm so sorry to be like this,but if you are dating, you know
that the dating pool is muddledwith those that are already in
commitments that they're hopingto turn into entanglements.
(06:17):
Let me pause because thisactually might be for y'all to
come and get some of thisthought water.
Baby, I'm so sorry.
You're thirsty and you do needthis drink, not the drink you're
thirsting for.
So my apologies.
I can admit what I'm wrong.
Sit your ass down.
This is for you.
(06:39):
So let's talk about the firstphase.
I'm outside Now.
A lot of people here outsideand immediately think this means
we are here running wild,entertaining everybody or just
looking for a good time.
We're out here being fun.
But that's not what this phaseis about.
I'm outside means I'm exploring, not committing.
(07:01):
It's about checking in withyourself, seeing what's out
there and figuring out what youactually want before making any
decisions.
There's beautiful freedom inthis space.
Think of it like walking into astore without a shopping list.
You're just looking around,seeing what catches your eye.
(07:21):
It's window shopping.
Now, this phase is for anybodywho's just getting back into the
dating scene, not sure whatthey want, or if they're ready
to date.
If you are actively healingfrom a breakup, being outside is
for you.
Whether this is a breakup froma relationship or a situation,
(07:49):
pain doesn't care about thelabel baby.
Pain does not discriminate.
If you're coming out of along-term relationship or a long
period of being single, beingoutside is a great place to
start, or if you're someone whois currently enjoying being in
multiple open-ended situationswith no real boundaries, be
(08:10):
outside.
I love this for you, I lovethis for us, no matter where you
are or how you got there.
This phase is your chance topause and pay attention.
Say that with me Pause and payattention, because this is the
moment where you either grow orrepeat old patterns.
(08:32):
And let's be clear once againfor the people in the back being
outside is not about beingreckless.
It's not about saying yes toevery offer, letting everyone in
your space or treating peoplelike temporary entertainment.
Being outside is about learningyourself.
This phase gives you time tomove at your own pace.
(08:54):
That means having conversations, getting to know people, doing
things that bring you joy, notbecause you're trying to impress
someone, but because you'refiguring out what aligns with
you.
And, honestly, there'ssomething beautiful about
meeting people who are in thesame space exploring, learning,
(09:18):
growing.
You know that phrase that youattract what you emit.
Be careful what you're givingoff when you're outside.
You hear me as the researcherthat you should become for
yourself.
When you're outside, are youexploring or are you avoiding?
Because sometimes the people wemeet bring things out in us
(09:43):
good or bad, and it's not byaccident.
Every reaction you have, everytrigger, every spark of interest
or irritation, that'sinformation.
My question are you payingattention to it?
If you're outside and you keeprunning into situations that
(10:03):
create resistance, that'sexciting.
That's a yellow flag, notice?
I didn't say red flag.
See, flags.
We really like to pull thoseflags out our pockets when we're
dating somebody and throw it atthem, but flags aren't about
them.
You guessed it.
They're about you.
If a new person is stirringsomething in you, the real
(10:23):
question should be why?
What is this moment trying toteach me about myself?
So, before you move into thenext phase, make sure your time
outside is rooted in your values, not your distractions.
This is also where you canprocess, sit with, evaluate,
(10:45):
reassess your values.
If you don't know your valuesby name, take a minute to find
them.
Name your top four.
That's my challenge to you.
Ask yourself why they matter.
Because when you know what youstand on 10 toes down, it's a
lot harder to get knocked offyour feet, baby.
(11:07):
And if you're not there yet,that's okay.
Why?
Because you get to pick howlong you stay outside.
So stay a little bit longer.
Just make sure that your timeoutside, you're actually
learning, not just loitering.
Okay, honey, all right.
(11:32):
So when we're outside that'swhen we're window shopping,
looking around seeing what's outthere the next step happens
when something catches the eyeand you just keep coming back to
it.
You ever been in a storewalking around and there's that
one item that you are just stuckon?
(11:52):
You pick it up, put it backdown, go back over there,
examine it, maybe even put it onhold.
You haven't committed to buyingit yet, but there's just
something about it that keepsdrawing you in.
Maybe that's dating.
Now, before you decide to comeinside and start seriously
(12:14):
considering this purchase, Iwant you to first ask yourself
am I drawn to this item becauseI genuinely want it, or am I
seeking some sort of validation?
Because, listen, there's a bigdifference between wanting
something and needing something.
Wanting connection is aboutpartnership.
(12:36):
Needing validation is rooted inthings that you have not
explored or healed yet, and ifyou don't know the difference,
you'll end up investing energyinto something that was never
meant to be yours in the firstplace.
See, dating is where you startputting intentional effort into
(12:56):
what's next.
There's still no commitment,but there should be clear
intention.
This means open conversations,mutual understanding and no
guessing games.
And let me put you on game realquick If you're feeling
resistance, confusion,inconsistency, you might be
(13:17):
dating somebody who's stilloutside baby, they're still
window shopping while you'retrying to put them on hold and
that right there.
That's where people get hurt.
Don't force what doesn't fit.
This is why it's so importantfor both people to be on the
same page when you enter intothis phase.
(13:37):
Dating should be a choice, notan accident or coincidence.
That whole fairytale idea thatthings just magically fall into
place, it'll just organicallyhappen Now that's some bullshit.
Who in his life ever showed youthat that shit just
accidentally works?
The truth is, sometimes we wantthings we know we shouldn't
(14:00):
have, and that's why alignmentmatters.
Whatever you and this personare building, whether it's
exclusive or not, it should makesense for both of you Because,
at the end of the day, effort ismutual.
This phase takes work, notstruggle, not prove your worth
(14:22):
type of work, but effort.
This is where friendships andtrust are built.
This is where a solidfoundation is established.
This is where mutual investmenthappens.
And because dating takes time,you don't need to rush it.
If it's aligned, there will beopen communication, there will
(14:45):
be understanding and, mostimportantly, there will be
clarity.
And also, just like in thefirst phase, you should still be
checking in with your values.
But this phase is also where,after there's some trust that's
been built, you can startsharing some of those more
difficult conversations.
But not to dump your past insomeone else's lap, hoping it'll
(15:11):
make them appreciate you more.
Not to use pain as a bondingtool, but to reflect, to learn
more about yourself and to seeif this person is someone who
can hold space for you the wayyou deserve it.
How differently do you treat thethings that you've chosen
intentionally, that you'veinvested in, that you've taken
(15:35):
time with, versus things thatwere just handed to you so
quickly?
So if I'm dating you, thatmeans I've picked something up,
I've made a decision, I'minterested, I keep coming back,
but it's still in my hands,y'all.
I haven't taken it to theregister.
I'm still deciding.
Now we're in the third phase,now we're in courtship, and this
(16:04):
is when things get serious.
I found something I like, I'vebeen trying it on and now I'm
headed to the register.
I'm no longer just windowshopping and I'm not casually
browsing.
I've made a decision and I'mready to make it official.
It's not just about findingwhat I want.
It's about making sure it fits.
(16:25):
This is when we start to trulysee if we're aligned.
We're not just trying things onanymore.
We're seeing how they fittogether.
Can we make this work long-term?
Does this feel like somethingthat's going to last, or will it
shrink after one wash?
At this point, I'm committed,I'm ready.
I'm not running around lookingfor anything else.
(16:46):
I know what I want and it feelsright.
There's no more wanderingthrough the store.
This is it.
And that's when we talk aboutexclusivity.
It's not about testing thingsout or keeping my options open
anymore.
This is when I've made my mindup and I'm saying this is the
(17:06):
one.
We are headed to the register.
We about to make this thingofficial.
For me, this phase is when Istart to introduce physical
intimacy into the relationship.
Yep, I said it.
I've spent a lot of time givingout my whole self while I was
(17:30):
outside.
I spent a lot of time trying sohard to date people who were
outside and trying to encouragethem to come inside, and using
my body as an enticement.
It doesn't work.
I am waiting until we're makingthis investment.
We've laid the foundationemotionally and intellectually.
We invested the time.
And for me it's about bringingconnection to a next level,
(17:55):
since I am moving in a spacewhere I don't want to rush into
this, because for me it'simportant that the emotional and
intellectual and spiritualconnection is strong before we
get to the physical.
If we're on the same page, Iknow what's worth the wait.
And this is not about beingtraditional.
This is about aligning with myvalues.
(18:15):
This is also the point whereyou start to meet the important
people in your life.
This is not something I takelightly.
I'm just not letting anyone inanymore.
I'm not letting anybody meet mydaughters until we get to this
phase.
You'll know about them, I'lltalk about them, but it's not
until we reach this phase thatyou get to step into that world.
(18:38):
Courtship is about commitment.
It's where we both decide thatwe're ready to make this real,
something lasting.
It's no longer about surfacelevel.
It's about building somethingdeep, something we can both rely
on.
So now that I'm trying it onand I'm heading to the register,
it's time to really see are wealigned in our values, our goals
(19:01):
, what we want for the future?
Is this going to stand the testof time?
Courtship takes exploration to awhole new level.
It's no longer about just theexcitement of finding out
something new.
It's about committing to thisthing and seeing where it can
take us.
So when I say courtship, I'mtelling you that I'm ready to
(19:22):
make this official.
I've made my decision and nowI'm ready to invest in it Heart
and soul.
And now I'm at the register.
I've made my decision, I'minvesting.
This isn't about a decisionmade on a whim either.
(19:45):
This is a conscious commitment,taking it home with me,
introducing it to my world.
It's no longer a question ofwhether or not I'll get it.
I'm standing on business.
I'm standing on this decisionwith both feet planted firmly.
At this stage, we're locked in.
(20:06):
It's not just about beingtogether, it's about creating a
life together.
We are building a solidfoundation in the early stages
and now we get to live and lovefrom that place, not from worry,
confusion.
From that place, not from worry, confusion, misunderstanding,
(20:27):
misalignment.
This is the space where we canbegin to grow together.
We're not just surviving, we'rethriving, supporting one
another in the journey we'veboth chosen to take.
Now notice not any time to thisconversation.
Did we bring up anymaterialistic topics?
How much you make what your carlooked like?
It's far greater than that.
It's time to get one thingstraight, though this ain't a
(20:51):
recipe for a perfectrelationship.
Perfection and love doesn'texist, not in the way we often
fantasize about it.
True perfection, I believe,comes from embracing the fact
that neither one of us isperfect, but we are willing to
see each other and meet eachother.
Where we are, we respectourselves enough to extend that
(21:15):
same respect that we have forourselves to the other person,
and because we love ourself,that makes it easier to love the
other person.
See, it's a cycle that buildson itself, and this is where the
real work begins.
It's about taking everythingwe've learned not just about
(21:35):
each other but ourselves fromthe time we were outside, and
applying it in our everydaylives.
This is where we get toexercise the things we've
learned.
We get to reflect our values,not just in the way we show up,
but in the way we support ourpartner on their journey.
We've taken the time tounderstand what matters, and now
(21:57):
it's about putting thatunderstanding into practice, and
friction's going to happen.
Disagreements are normal.
We're not special, but they'renot the end of the world.
We don't fear them when you'vebuilt solid foundations, because
we understand they're a part ofthe process, we've learned how
to navigate those challengeswith mutual respect and openness
(22:21):
, because that's what we giveourself.
When we hit a rough patch, weknow we're not supposed to take
it personally.
We can disagree, we can feeltriggered, but we don't blame
our partner for the emotionsthat come up.
Instead, we express ourselveshonestly, respectfully, knowing
(22:41):
that this is an opportunity todeepen our connection and
understanding of each other.
You ever been in a relationshipand felt like you were battling
with somebody who just did notlike you, probably didn't like
themselves?
See this phase being in a spacewhere you've made your decision
and you're committed.
(23:01):
Being in a space where you'vemade your decision and you're
committed it's a stage ofconstant self-reflection.
If you say you're ready to bein a relationship, you also have
to be ready to consistentlylook at yourself.
We're not done growing justbecause we're in a relationship.
As we continue to evolve, wehave to keep looking inward,
(23:24):
checking in with ourselves,ensuring we're not bringing in
old patterns or unresolvedissues.
A strong foundation gives usthe tools to navigate life's ups
and downs, but the willingnessto keep evolving that's what
makes it last.
Can't expect to have a lasting,fulfilling relationship if
(23:45):
you're vibrating at a low lovefrequency.
If you don't do your inner work, this foundation is going to
crack, and it takes two peoplecommitted to growth, not just
individually.
Of course, you have to do thework by yourself, but then also,
how do you work as a team?
Because when you're both in it,the chances for success grow
(24:08):
exponentially.
This is the point where youbuild your life together and,
while it's not always smoothsailing, you got the tools now
to weather the storm.
You've set the stage forsomething real and now it's just
time to live in it, breathe init and love in it.
(24:36):
So we talked about the fourstages of dating, but where does
it all go wrong?
When we rush the process, see,people get this messed up,
because a lot of times you meetsomebody and you like them and
you're yearning or craving forwhat Connection or validation.
You want to jump straight tocourtship and commitment and
(24:56):
oftentimes, without trying adamn thing on, you're all in
locking it down, throwing aroundlabels, acting like you're in a
committed relationship when youhaven't even figured out if
they were a good fit to beginwith.
And this is where the troublestarts.
It also shows up when peopleare good at acting acting like
(25:17):
they want to date, acting likethey want to be committed or
intercourtship, but they stilloutside.
How are you over here talkingabout wifing me up and me and my
peoples?
But we ain't even decided if welike the fabric yet.
If we like the fabric yet I'mstill trying to figure out if
this is something that fits mylifestyle, my values, my vibe.
(25:39):
And you already talking aboutlaying down it's not just
premature, it's settingeverybody up for failure.
When we rush things, we'reskipping all the critical steps
that lay the foundation for astrong partnership, a strong
friendship, a strongrelationship.
Think about it.
If you're trying to skip pastgetting to know each other,
(26:00):
learning about yourself or evenestablishing trust, what do you
think is going to happen whenthe real stuff starts to show up
?
Baby, you won't have the toolsor the skills to handle it.
It's like buying a piece offurniture without checking if it
fits in the room first.
Yeah, it look real cute in thestore, but once you get it home,
(26:20):
it not only doesn't match thespace but it doesn't fit and
you're stuck with something youregret.
And this is the relationshippain I see so often People
rushing into things they're notready for and then trying to
force a connection that isn'tthere.
You can't see me?
I'm raising my hand.
(26:41):
That is me.
I am talking to myself, but italso might be you too.
See, we're trying to fast trackthe process with giving
ourselves the time to actuallyexperience the connection.
What are you afraid of?
Why are you afraid to see ifthis really works for you?
Or are you so used to nottapping into what works for you
(27:04):
but doing what is best forothers?
I want to explore that.
What about even trying toexamine if you're on the same
page?
At the end of the day, we allneed time to explore, learn and
reflect, and you can't shortcutyour way to growth.
(27:25):
If we don't allow time andspace for that, we're setting
ourselves up for disappointment,more frustration and,
ultimately, heartache, and weknow this because this is our
damn pattern.
It's a cycle, and the quickerwe try to rush through the
stages of dating to get to theend, the quicker the
(27:49):
relationship is going to end toend.
I can admit I used to be animpulse buyer.
I used to just grab whatevercaught my eye, take it straight
to the register and deal withthe buyer's remorse later.
I didn't care if they wereinside, outside upside down,
(28:13):
whatever they wanted.
I just wanted to keep themaround.
But guess what?
Most of those purchases they atthe goodwill now.
And that's exactly what happenswhen you don't take your time.
You end up giving away thingsthat never really fit you in the
first place.
When we approach dating withpatience and intention, we clear
(28:35):
up so much ambiguity, we stopwasting time on things that
don't serve us and we stopforcing relationships that were
never meant to last.
We stop mistaking infatuationfor connection and when we do
decide to commit, we do itknowing that we've taken the
time to truly understand who weare, what we need and whether
(28:59):
this person is aligned with that.
This approach ain't aboutplaying games.
It's not about being overlycautious or making a
motherfucker prove themselves toyou.
It's about moving with clarityand self-respect and making sure
that your connections are builton some real shit, not some
bullshit.
(29:19):
Look, I know some people mighthear this and think you're doing
too much.
That is not how love works.
That's fair.
I want to hear what you think,but from my experience, moving
with intention protects not justme but the people I date too,
because I don't want to besomeone's impulse purchase.
I don't want to be somethingthat look good in the moment,
(29:42):
only to end up discarded whenreality sets in.
You only saw it one way.
Huh, didn't think that thiscould be flipped on you too.
You might be somebody'sgoodwill pile.
Love is too important for that.
We are too important for that.
(30:07):
You are too important for that.
So tell me, what do y'all think?
Does this approach make sense?
Have you been an impulse buyer?
Have you been the one leftbehind a goodwill?
And if so, what changes are yougoing to make?
(30:29):
Dear love, love is not aclearance sale.
So if you're just out herewindow shopping, don't act like
you're ready to buy.
And if someone's trying to takeyou straight to the register
without even checking the pricerun Because anything worth
having is worth understandingfirst the right person won't
(30:53):
rush you.
They won't pressure you intoskipping steps or make you feel
like you're asking for too muchjust because you're moving with
intention too much.
Just because you're moving withintention.
The right person will movethrough the process with you,
because they're not just lookingfor something quick, they're
looking for something that fits.
And, let's be real, too many ofus have ignored the signs for
(31:18):
something that wasn't meant forus and paid for it later.
But we don't have to keepmaking the same mistake.
We can take our time, crazy huh.
We can move with clarity.
Love Isn't that wonderful.
We can make choices that don'tjust feel good in the moment,
(31:40):
but actually support the lovethat we want to build, that are
a reflection of the love that wehave for ourselves.
So let me run it back for youreal quick.
If you are outside, you'reexploring, learning, figuring
out what you want.
If you're dating, you got youreye on something and you're
(32:01):
starting to invest real energy.
Now courtship is when you'reready to take things to that
next level.
That's exclusivity, that deeperconnection, that real
commitment and commitment.
You've made your choice, you'refully invested.
Now it's time to build.
Now it's time to build.
(32:22):
If you move with clarity, youwon't have to question where you
stand, and that that's how youfind something worth keeping.
So take your time, check thefabric, try it on, make sure it
aligns with your values beforeyou commit, because when you do
(32:43):
it right, love isn't somethingyou settle for.
It's something you stand on.
Thank you for hanging with metoday, love.
I know I said we were going totalk about friends with benefits
(33:07):
, but what happened was.
I was going through some shitand I needed to talk to y'all
about it.
But don't worry, come hang outwith me next week we can talk
about that mess.
Look, we'll get into it nextWednesday.
But if this episode hasnourished your spirit and
(33:29):
elevated your love frequency,hit that subscribe button so we
can keep this conversationgrowing together.
And, while you're at it, sharethis with at least one person
who is starting to date andneeds to gain some clarity,
needs to understand these stages, so they can stop being out
(33:50):
here lying to themselves.
Because at Love Frequency,honey, we believe when you know
you grow.
I love you.
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