March 6, 2024 • 21 mins
Hey Loves! In this heart-to-heart episode we unpacked the sheer power of setting and enforcing firm lines in our relationships. Reflecting on personal experiences, I opened up about the consequences of ignoring our own limits. We explored the difference between rigid, porous, and healthy boundaries, and how maintaining them is key to self-respect and empowerment. Remember, communicating needs without fear or control is a form of self-love. Join us as we embrace transformation and courageously set boundaries that honor who we are. Tune in, rate and review, and let's keep breaking those destructive patterns together. Let's continue to transform pain into power on the only podcast that loves you back! Come empty. Leave full... because when you know.- you grow!!
Episode Reflection/ Journal Prompts:
- Are there aspects of yourself or your behavior that you are proud of, but also recognize as potential weaknesses? How can you navigate these dualities in a healthy way?
- Consider a past relationship or connection where you felt manipulated or subject to unhealthy boundaries. How did you contribute to these dynamics, and what could you have done differently?
- Evaluate your own boundaries by identifying which of the three categories (rigid, porous, healthy) they align with. Provide examples from your own interactions and relationships.
Episode Resources:
- Two Friends Story shared with me by friend, Jhaymia
- What Are Personal Boundaries provided by TherapistAid.com
- Setting Healthy Boundaries in Relationships provided by HealthGuide.org
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
We all know life doesn't always happen the way we
hope it would, no matter howorganized, intentional,
analytical, strategic,financially well-off, well-known
life just tends to happen.
Now, I believe a testament toour character is how we choose
(00:25):
to show up when life happens.
These last couple of months,I've been reflecting on why I
keep repeating what I feel likeis a 25-year pattern and, if I'm
being honest, it's embarrassing.
On one hand, I tell myself youknow better, then why aren't you
(00:46):
doing better?
Well, that's what we're goingto talk about.
You are now tuning in to LoveFrequency, where love grows, so
let's go.
Welcome to Love Frequency, thepodcast that helps you transform
(01:09):
your pain into power.
I'm your host and favorite loveadvocate, nia, and on this show
, we believe that love is notthe problem, honey you are.
So join me every Wednesday aswe have necessary discussion
that focuses on getting to theroot of the problem, because
(01:29):
when you know, you grow.
So at the end of last year, Idecided to end the relationship
that I was in, and when thinkingabout putting this episode
together, I came at it from alldifferent ways.
I wanted to tell my story.
I wanted to break down what Iwent through, what I experienced
(01:53):
, how it made me feel.
Part of that came from a placeof pain.
It was me processing my hurtand wanting to be vocal about
all the ways I feel like I'vebeen wronged.
I'm so thankful I had anopportunity to sit on it,
because in the moments when I'msitting and I'm reflecting and
I'm asking myself thoughtfulquestions and being kind of
(02:16):
myself and giving myself graceand time, I realized that the
end was inevitable.
There was no other way that itwas going to go.
But what I needed to focus onmore than the actions of the
other person, what I felt Ididn't receive, was why I stayed
so long in the first place.
See, we had just celebrated ourone year anniversary.
(02:39):
Right before six days, actually, it was our one year
anniversary and six days later Ijust decided I'm not doing
another year of this.
And in that moment and duringthat time period, not only did I
have a wave of peace wash overme, but in the same moment, also
ask myself why am I here?
(03:02):
Why do I keep ending up here?
What am I doing wrong?
I am proud of myself foradvocating for myself, but man
still makes me wonder.
Why do I continue to get inconnections where I feel that
manipulation and gaslighting anddeflection is the meal of the
(03:26):
day.
It's not only getting old andexhausting, but maybe I need to
look at it from a differentperspective.
See, a lot of times whenrelationships end, we always
start with the other person.
It's the hardest for us tofocus on, not what could we have
done better or what we've donewrong, but is there another way
to think about this?
(03:47):
And the more I sat with this,the one prevailing thought I had
was you know, the very thingyou brag about me being a love
advocate, me really beingintrospective and being able to
receive people where they areand all of those things that I
use to define me and the waythat I love.
(04:07):
Those are my superpower.
Those are the things about methat make me the most beautiful,
and I love those things aboutmyself.
But hear me, and hear me wellthose are also the things that
are my greatest weakness.
Now, one phrase you'll probablyhear a lot on this show is two
things can be true at the sametime.
And boy, if that couldn't bemore true.
(04:27):
So when I sit with that, I haveto accept a couple of things.
One that hurts how can you tellme?
This is what makes me beautiful, but it also is what creates my
greatest area of vulnerability.
It leaves me wide open forattack.
Give or give, take or take.
When I look at how I show up inconnections, it's loud and
(04:51):
clear Exactly why I keeprepeating this pattern.
See, when we think that our wayis the only way, it's the right
way, we create a pattern ofbehavior, whether we realize it
or not.
So it's not that when I wasgetting in connections, I'm
loving everybody the same waytype of pattern.
But the pattern I had wasthinking that my love and how I
(05:13):
love was so good.
You know how we say we lovehard, not give my all.
I think even then, even in whatwe presume are our most humble
times, there's great value inchecking yourself.
There's great value in taking astep back and looking at why do
I give so much so quickly topeople I know so little?
(05:43):
One day, two friends are talkingabout relationships.
One of the friends says listen,I have no problem getting up
from the table if I do not likewhat is being served.
The other replied but you neverask for anything else.
For some of us, it's easy towalk away when we feel like we
(06:05):
aren't getting what we need Forothers, we stay longer than we
know we should and in bothexamples, some of us never ask
for what it is we truly desire.
We just accept things as theyare.
Why Many of us are holding spacefor unhealthy and toxic
boundaries?
Because it's all we know.
(06:26):
One reason low self-esteem.
You might feel as if your needsand wants aren't worth
vocalizing, or you don't have anidentity of your own.
So you tend to get intoconnections where you prioritize
what other people want and, asa result, people fail to
recognize your discomfort.
This may also show up if youhave a fear of rejection.
(06:47):
If you're afraid that yourpartner's going to walk out of
your life because of your flaws,you might hesitate to open up
emotionally.
You may even have a desire forcontrol.
See, some people use boundariesto manipulate folks.
Like a person might set aboundary to stonewall a
(07:08):
conversation or refuse to engagewith you until you do what they
want.
I had a partner once who told methat whenever her exes didn't
behave in the way that shewanted, she just would stop
sleeping with them as punishment.
Now I can say I've experiencedall of them.
Either I was creating theunhealthy boundary or it was
(07:29):
being created for me, and eachtime the common denominator was
my inability to ask for anythingelse.
I just accepted things as theywere.
It is what it is right Wrong,listen, you have to understand
the importance of settinghealthy personal boundaries.
These are those limits andrules that we set for ourselves
(07:54):
within all connections.
You know what?
I don't think I've everhonestly set firm boundaries.
That word is real important.
I've never set firm boundaries,and what I mean by that is I
may have and I am very vocal onwhat doesn't feel good, why it
doesn't feel good but enforcingthat boundary, I've wavered.
(08:17):
I think, when we get into lackof boundary setting, this is
also where the conversationcomes up, where we say I love
hard, I give all of me when Ilove, and I just wanna meet
somebody who's gonna do the same.
Do you love hard because you'resomebody who has low
self-esteem or you're fear ofrejection?
Or do you lack experience withsetting limitations?
(08:39):
Did you grow up in anenvironment surrounded by people
who also had poor personalboundaries?
If so, managing proper ones isgonna be a challenge, baby.
So for the purposes of today'sconversation, let's put
boundaries into three boxes, andI want you to tell me where you
(08:59):
fall.
I'ma tell you.
I need you to tell me.
So there's rigid boundaries.
These are the people who avoidintimacy and close relationships
.
These people are unlikely toask for help.
They wanna do it themselves allthe time.
When you look at their personalfriendships, they have very few
close relationships.
They're very protective oftheir personal information and
(09:20):
may seem detached, even withromantic partners.
It's almost like they love onyou when they want to, and in
this they keep people at adistance to avoid possible
rejection.
Are you somebody who has rigidboundaries?
What about poorest boundaries?
If you are holding poorestboundaries, you overshare your
personal information.
You know you're the person whowears your heart on your sleeve.
(09:42):
You tell them everything.
You're also the same person whohas a difficulty saying no, so
you overextend yourself.
I just wish people would loveme like I love them.
Have you never said that?
No, okay, someone with poorestboundaries also is over involved
in other people's lives.
You are the problem solver.
(10:02):
You're always dependent onother people's opinions of you
and, whether you wanna admit itto yourself or not, you are real
comfortable with acceptingabuse and disrespect because you
fear rejection.
Is that you, or are you someonewith healthy boundaries.
Do you value your own opinions?
Do you not compromise yourvalues for others?
(10:25):
Do you share your personalinformation in a way that's
appropriate.
You don't under share, youdon't over share.
You read the room baby.
And you also make sure that thepeople you're connected with
have made investments the sameinvestments in you that you've
made in them.
And when that hasn't happened,you're not uncomfortable with
expressing your personal wants,needs and you can communicate
(10:49):
them in a way that shows yourlevel of emotional intelligence.
And with that comes yourability to be able to easily say
no to others without worryingif you're offending them.
Now which one of those feelslike you and be honest or don't.
That's also a choice, and whileyou're processing that, I also
(11:10):
want you to realize that this isnot a one-size-fits-all
situation.
Most people have a mix ofdifferent boundary types.
The appropriateness of thoseboundaries depends heavily on
the setting right.
What's appropriate to say whenyou're out with friends may not
be the same shit that you say atwork.
I get that, and even in somecultures there's different
(11:30):
expectations when it comes toboundaries.
In some cultures it'scompletely inappropriate to
express emotions publicly, andin other cultures that's
encouraged.
I know for me.
I'm definitely someone who isfar more on the poor side of
boundary setting and I do thinka lot of that comes from not
(11:51):
just a fear of rejection but, asI continue to learn myself and
appreciation for the lessons myshadows have taught me, it makes
it more easier to meet someoneelse who has their own shadows
and to give them grace too.
So years ago, absolutely, itwas low self-esteem, fear of
rejection, indeed hands down.
(12:13):
But as I've grown, I think I'veheld on to some of those
poorest boundaries because I getit.
I get it.
I don't expect nobody on thisearth to be perfect, and I feel
this is my dime store therapysession, okay y'all.
So take it for what is worth.
This is me doing my thing, butI really do believe that,
(12:35):
through being a person who hasexperienced such a low vibration
for such a long amount of timein my ignorance of that, as I
started to become aware of it,it also may be more forgiving.
When I met people who showed upin the same spirit and when that
happens based on the type ofpeople I'm attracting, I found
that what it brought out in them, or what I was able to see, a
(12:57):
lot more clearly, I guess Ishould say was their rigid
boundaries.
And so you have someone who'svery open and aware and wants to
receive all.
Meeting people who don't evenwant to face themselves for real
and I do think, meeting amotherfucker like me you have no
choice but to sit with yourself.
I call in a high level ofself-awareness for myself.
(13:21):
So I think it's important inknowing where we sit and knowing
and understanding how weidentify what our boundaries are
now, because we know ourstarting place Right.
So if I know I have poorboundaries, I know the
differences between that andhealthy boundaries and in having
that, I know exactly what Ineed to focus on, where I need
(13:43):
to start Really sitting withthat 25-year pattern and why I
felt like every connection thatI was in was a familiar
connection.
See, healthy boundaries is themain ingredient, one of the main
(14:05):
ingredients that you find inhealthy relationships Toxic
boundaries.
You see where I'm going withthis.
A crucial part of maintainingyour identity, your mental
health, your physical well-beingis to establish those healthy
boundaries.
There are five benefits todoing this.
One, it sets expectations whenyou're interacting with others.
(14:28):
It lets other people know howyou want to be treated without
them telling you.
Two, it gives you a sense ofempowerment and self-respect.
Remember, a boundary is notabout you putting restrictions
against someone else.
These are limits and rules thatwe set for ourselves.
Three, it ensures your physicaland emotional comfort is always
(14:54):
at the forefront of your mind.
Four, having healthy boundarieshelps clarify individual
responsibility in a relationship.
And five, having healthyboundary encourages autonomy and
it reduces codependency inrelationships.
Because I do think hand in handto this topic in setting
boundaries is understanding ifyou do have a manipulative
(15:17):
personality or if you are acodependent personality, and
what that means.
I'm not going to lie.
Those five reasons were enoughto make me realize all of the
complaints and frustrations thatI've had in relationships.
This was one of the areas thatthey stemmed from not having a
firm understanding, one on whathealthy boundaries were, but,
(15:40):
more than anything, learning howto enforce those boundaries.
I know in this past connectionit takes me back to when we
first first met.
I flew out to Florida to seeher and the plan was for us to
hang out, spend the weekendtogether.
Well, my first day there, Iremember waiting was over an
(16:02):
hour while she had to runerrands.
Now we planned this trip weeksin advance.
You knew I was coming For myperspective, this shit could
have been taken care of.
Now.
The whole time I'm waiting.
I'm shitty and I'm thinking youare in Florida.
The fuck are you waiting forright?
I have no problem with gettingup from the table when I don't
like what's being served.
That's where my mind was fuckthis.
(16:24):
But not having healthyboundaries was what you think I
did.
I stayed and I waited, but Iwas shitty.
So when she finally showed up,I let her know how I felt.
I really don't appreciatewaiting, especially as long as I
had to wait.
This was well over an hour.
I felt like my time was wasted.
I could have been doingsomething else, but honestly, if
(16:47):
I was a person that set healthyboundaries when I expressed how
I felt, I just didn't payattention to the response In
that moment.
With that experience, thegreatest takeaway that I have is
not only am I a person thatjust accepts whatever people
give me, it also helps themlearn how they can treat me.
(17:09):
So I would encourage anybody whomay be in a connection that
just doesn't feel right, whereyou have more concern than you
do, peace, that you are oftenasking yourself questions like
why me?
What am I doing now.
I just want to be happy.
I'm so tired.
If you've said any of this,before you start to check
(17:33):
another motherfucker, I need youto check yourself.
What's your boundaries lookinglike, boo?
Because how can I say I'msomeone who loves myself when
I'm not even giving myself thebare minimum?
Setting boundaries is the bareminimum.
Enforcing them is how you showup for yourself, dear Love.
What are your boundarieslooking like?
(17:55):
Do you find yourself inconnections where you're always
feeling like you're giving moreof yourself than you're
receiving?
I really think it's time youlook at not just leaving the
table, but realizing, even inyour next connection.
If you don't gain someunderstanding of how important
this is, the same shit's gonnahappen.
(18:16):
My 25 year pattern list in thecode has been cracked and now
that I'm aware, I know exactlywhere I need to start.
So, if you're also wondering, Iwant you to focus on these three
things.
One, when you go into arelationship, know what you want
.
When you know, you grow and Ireally seriously want you to
(18:39):
write them down what isimportant to you?
The second thing is talk toyour partner about what that
looks like.
It's important for them tounderstand what your needs are,
and this may not happen in oneconversation because, if I'm
being honest, we can saywhatever the hell we want to say
.
It's the third thing, that'sthe most important.
(19:02):
It's how you enforce thosethings that you say are
important to you, those thingsthat you say that you need.
Remember a boundary isn't aboutcreating walls for keeping
people out or for controllingpeople.
That's manipulation.
Boundaries are the limits andrules that we set for ourselves
in relationships.
(19:22):
These boundaries help us feel amore physical and emotional
comfort.
It helps give us a sense ofempowerment and self-respect.
It reduces codependent habits.
It provides clarity for how youwant to be treated in a
connection.
If not, then you continue tochoose to allow your boundaries
(19:44):
to go unchecked.
My question is why is that?
Why do you feel like you haveto love hard when the truth is,
baby, you're hardly lovingyourself.
Thank you, thank you.
(20:12):
Thank you for spending timewith me today.
If this episode has fed yourspirit and increased your love
frequency, please rate andreview us on Apple Podcast,
spotify or whatever you listento podcasts.
Go ahead and do it now.
Boo, don't worry, I'll wait,and be sure to come back next
week where I explain to you howI saved my life by changing my
(20:37):
screensaver, and you can too.
Until next time, this is yourhost, naya, reminding you to set
and enforce healthy boundariesso we can stop repeating the
same damn patterns, because whenyou know, you grow.
I love you.
We all know life doesn't always happen the way we
hope it would, no matter howorganized, intentional,
analytical, strategic,financially well-off, well-known
life just tends to happen.
Now, I believe a testament toour character is how we choose
(00:25):
to show up when life happens.
These last couple of months,I've been reflecting on why I
keep repeating what I feel likeis a 25-year pattern and, if I'm
being honest, it's embarrassing.
On one hand, I tell myself youknow better, then why aren't you
(00:46):
doing better?
Well, that's what we're goingto talk about.
You are now tuning in to LoveFrequency, where love grows, so
let's go.
Welcome to Love Frequency, thepodcast that helps you transform
(01:09):
your pain into power.
I'm your host and favorite loveadvocate, nia, and on this show
, we believe that love is notthe problem, honey you are.
So join me every Wednesday aswe have necessary discussion
that focuses on getting to theroot of the problem, because
(01:29):
when you know, you grow.
So at the end of last year, Idecided to end the relationship
that I was in, and when thinkingabout putting this episode
together, I came at it from alldifferent ways.
I wanted to tell my story.
I wanted to break down what Iwent through, what I experienced
(01:53):
, how it made me feel.
Part of that came from a placeof pain.
It was me processing my hurtand wanting to be vocal about
all the ways I feel like I'vebeen wronged.
I'm so thankful I had anopportunity to sit on it,
because in the moments when I'msitting and I'm reflecting and
I'm asking myself thoughtfulquestions and being kind of
(02:16):
myself and giving myself graceand time, I realized that the
end was inevitable.
There was no other way that itwas going to go.
But what I needed to focus onmore than the actions of the
other person, what I felt Ididn't receive, was why I stayed
so long in the first place.
See, we had just celebrated ourone year anniversary.
(02:39):
Right before six days, actually, it was our one year
anniversary and six days later Ijust decided I'm not doing
another year of this.
And in that moment and duringthat time period, not only did I
have a wave of peace wash overme, but in the same moment, also
ask myself why am I here?
(03:02):
Why do I keep ending up here?
What am I doing wrong?
I am proud of myself foradvocating for myself, but man
still makes me wonder.
Why do I continue to get inconnections where I feel that
manipulation and gaslighting anddeflection is the meal of the
(03:26):
day.
It's not only getting old andexhausting, but maybe I need to
look at it from a differentperspective.
See, a lot of times whenrelationships end, we always
start with the other person.
It's the hardest for us tofocus on, not what could we have
done better or what we've donewrong, but is there another way
to think about this?
(03:47):
And the more I sat with this,the one prevailing thought I had
was you know, the very thingyou brag about me being a love
advocate, me really beingintrospective and being able to
receive people where they areand all of those things that I
use to define me and the waythat I love.
(04:07):
Those are my superpower.
Those are the things about methat make me the most beautiful,
and I love those things aboutmyself.
But hear me, and hear me wellthose are also the things that
are my greatest weakness.
Now, one phrase you'll probablyhear a lot on this show is two
things can be true at the sametime.
And boy, if that couldn't bemore true.
(04:27):
So when I sit with that, I haveto accept a couple of things.
One that hurts how can you tellme?
This is what makes me beautiful, but it also is what creates my
greatest area of vulnerability.
It leaves me wide open forattack.
Give or give, take or take.
When I look at how I show up inconnections, it's loud and
(04:51):
clear Exactly why I keeprepeating this pattern.
See, when we think that our wayis the only way, it's the right
way, we create a pattern ofbehavior, whether we realize it
or not.
So it's not that when I wasgetting in connections, I'm
loving everybody the same waytype of pattern.
But the pattern I had wasthinking that my love and how I
(05:13):
love was so good.
You know how we say we lovehard, not give my all.
I think even then, even in whatwe presume are our most humble
times, there's great value inchecking yourself.
There's great value in taking astep back and looking at why do
I give so much so quickly topeople I know so little?
(05:43):
One day, two friends are talkingabout relationships.
One of the friends says listen,I have no problem getting up
from the table if I do not likewhat is being served.
The other replied but you neverask for anything else.
For some of us, it's easy towalk away when we feel like we
(06:05):
aren't getting what we need Forothers, we stay longer than we
know we should and in bothexamples, some of us never ask
for what it is we truly desire.
We just accept things as theyare.
Why Many of us are holding spacefor unhealthy and toxic
boundaries?
Because it's all we know.
(06:26):
One reason low self-esteem.
You might feel as if your needsand wants aren't worth
vocalizing, or you don't have anidentity of your own.
So you tend to get intoconnections where you prioritize
what other people want and, asa result, people fail to
recognize your discomfort.
This may also show up if youhave a fear of rejection.
(06:47):
If you're afraid that yourpartner's going to walk out of
your life because of your flaws,you might hesitate to open up
emotionally.
You may even have a desire forcontrol.
See, some people use boundariesto manipulate folks.
Like a person might set aboundary to stonewall a
(07:08):
conversation or refuse to engagewith you until you do what they
want.
I had a partner once who told methat whenever her exes didn't
behave in the way that shewanted, she just would stop
sleeping with them as punishment.
Now I can say I've experiencedall of them.
Either I was creating theunhealthy boundary or it was
(07:29):
being created for me, and eachtime the common denominator was
my inability to ask for anythingelse.
I just accepted things as theywere.
It is what it is right Wrong,listen, you have to understand
the importance of settinghealthy personal boundaries.
These are those limits andrules that we set for ourselves
(07:54):
within all connections.
You know what?
I don't think I've everhonestly set firm boundaries.
That word is real important.
I've never set firm boundaries,and what I mean by that is I
may have and I am very vocal onwhat doesn't feel good, why it
doesn't feel good but enforcingthat boundary, I've wavered.
(08:17):
I think, when we get into lackof boundary setting, this is
also where the conversationcomes up, where we say I love
hard, I give all of me when Ilove, and I just wanna meet
somebody who's gonna do the same.
Do you love hard because you'resomebody who has low
self-esteem or you're fear ofrejection?
Or do you lack experience withsetting limitations?
(08:39):
Did you grow up in anenvironment surrounded by people
who also had poor personalboundaries?
If so, managing proper ones isgonna be a challenge, baby.
So for the purposes of today'sconversation, let's put
boundaries into three boxes, andI want you to tell me where you
(08:59):
fall.
I'ma tell you.
I need you to tell me.
So there's rigid boundaries.
These are the people who avoidintimacy and close relationships
.
These people are unlikely toask for help.
They wanna do it themselves allthe time.
When you look at their personalfriendships, they have very few
close relationships.
They're very protective oftheir personal information and
(09:20):
may seem detached, even withromantic partners.
It's almost like they love onyou when they want to, and in
this they keep people at adistance to avoid possible
rejection.
Are you somebody who has rigidboundaries?
What about poorest boundaries?
If you are holding poorestboundaries, you overshare your
personal information.
You know you're the person whowears your heart on your sleeve.
(09:42):
You tell them everything.
You're also the same person whohas a difficulty saying no, so
you overextend yourself.
I just wish people would loveme like I love them.
Have you never said that?
No, okay, someone with poorestboundaries also is over involved
in other people's lives.
You are the problem solver.
(10:02):
You're always dependent onother people's opinions of you
and, whether you wanna admit itto yourself or not, you are real
comfortable with acceptingabuse and disrespect because you
fear rejection.
Is that you, or are you someonewith healthy boundaries.
Do you value your own opinions?
Do you not compromise yourvalues for others?
(10:25):
Do you share your personalinformation in a way that's
appropriate.
You don't under share, youdon't over share.
You read the room baby.
And you also make sure that thepeople you're connected with
have made investments the sameinvestments in you that you've
made in them.
And when that hasn't happened,you're not uncomfortable with
expressing your personal wants,needs and you can communicate
(10:49):
them in a way that shows yourlevel of emotional intelligence.
And with that comes yourability to be able to easily say
no to others without worryingif you're offending them.
Now which one of those feelslike you and be honest or don't.
That's also a choice, and whileyou're processing that, I also
(11:10):
want you to realize that this isnot a one-size-fits-all
situation.
Most people have a mix ofdifferent boundary types.
The appropriateness of thoseboundaries depends heavily on
the setting right.
What's appropriate to say whenyou're out with friends may not
be the same shit that you say atwork.
I get that, and even in somecultures there's different
(11:30):
expectations when it comes toboundaries.
In some cultures it'scompletely inappropriate to
express emotions publicly, andin other cultures that's
encouraged.
I know for me.
I'm definitely someone who isfar more on the poor side of
boundary setting and I do thinka lot of that comes from not
(11:51):
just a fear of rejection but, asI continue to learn myself and
appreciation for the lessons myshadows have taught me, it makes
it more easier to meet someoneelse who has their own shadows
and to give them grace too.
So years ago, absolutely, itwas low self-esteem, fear of
rejection, indeed hands down.
(12:13):
But as I've grown, I think I'veheld on to some of those
poorest boundaries because I getit.
I get it.
I don't expect nobody on thisearth to be perfect, and I feel
this is my dime store therapysession, okay y'all.
So take it for what is worth.
This is me doing my thing, butI really do believe that,
(12:35):
through being a person who hasexperienced such a low vibration
for such a long amount of timein my ignorance of that, as I
started to become aware of it,it also may be more forgiving.
When I met people who showed upin the same spirit and when that
happens based on the type ofpeople I'm attracting, I found
that what it brought out in them, or what I was able to see, a
(12:57):
lot more clearly, I guess Ishould say was their rigid
boundaries.
And so you have someone who'svery open and aware and wants to
receive all.
Meeting people who don't evenwant to face themselves for real
and I do think, meeting amotherfucker like me you have no
choice but to sit with yourself.
I call in a high level ofself-awareness for myself.
(13:21):
So I think it's important inknowing where we sit and knowing
and understanding how weidentify what our boundaries are
now, because we know ourstarting place Right.
So if I know I have poorboundaries, I know the
differences between that andhealthy boundaries and in having
that, I know exactly what Ineed to focus on, where I need
(13:43):
to start Really sitting withthat 25-year pattern and why I
felt like every connection thatI was in was a familiar
connection.
See, healthy boundaries is themain ingredient, one of the main
(14:05):
ingredients that you find inhealthy relationships Toxic
boundaries.
You see where I'm going withthis.
A crucial part of maintainingyour identity, your mental
health, your physical well-beingis to establish those healthy
boundaries.
There are five benefits todoing this.
One, it sets expectations whenyou're interacting with others.
(14:28):
It lets other people know howyou want to be treated without
them telling you.
Two, it gives you a sense ofempowerment and self-respect.
Remember, a boundary is notabout you putting restrictions
against someone else.
These are limits and rules thatwe set for ourselves.
Three, it ensures your physicaland emotional comfort is always
(14:54):
at the forefront of your mind.
Four, having healthy boundarieshelps clarify individual
responsibility in a relationship.
And five, having healthyboundary encourages autonomy and
it reduces codependency inrelationships.
Because I do think hand in handto this topic in setting
boundaries is understanding ifyou do have a manipulative
(15:17):
personality or if you are acodependent personality, and
what that means.
I'm not going to lie.
Those five reasons were enoughto make me realize all of the
complaints and frustrations thatI've had in relationships.
This was one of the areas thatthey stemmed from not having a
firm understanding, one on whathealthy boundaries were, but,
(15:40):
more than anything, learning howto enforce those boundaries.
I know in this past connectionit takes me back to when we
first first met.
I flew out to Florida to seeher and the plan was for us to
hang out, spend the weekendtogether.
Well, my first day there, Iremember waiting was over an
(16:02):
hour while she had to runerrands.
Now we planned this trip weeksin advance.
You knew I was coming For myperspective, this shit could
have been taken care of.
Now.
The whole time I'm waiting.
I'm shitty and I'm thinking youare in Florida.
The fuck are you waiting forright?
I have no problem with gettingup from the table when I don't
like what's being served.
That's where my mind was fuckthis.
(16:24):
But not having healthyboundaries was what you think I
did.
I stayed and I waited, but Iwas shitty.
So when she finally showed up,I let her know how I felt.
I really don't appreciatewaiting, especially as long as I
had to wait.
This was well over an hour.
I felt like my time was wasted.
I could have been doingsomething else, but honestly, if
(16:47):
I was a person that set healthyboundaries when I expressed how
I felt, I just didn't payattention to the response In
that moment.
With that experience, thegreatest takeaway that I have is
not only am I a person thatjust accepts whatever people
give me, it also helps themlearn how they can treat me.
(17:09):
So I would encourage anybody whomay be in a connection that
just doesn't feel right, whereyou have more concern than you
do, peace, that you are oftenasking yourself questions like
why me?
What am I doing now.
I just want to be happy.
I'm so tired.
If you've said any of this,before you start to check
(17:33):
another motherfucker, I need youto check yourself.
What's your boundaries lookinglike, boo?
Because how can I say I'msomeone who loves myself when
I'm not even giving myself thebare minimum?
Setting boundaries is the bareminimum.
Enforcing them is how you showup for yourself, dear Love.
What are your boundarieslooking like?
(17:55):
Do you find yourself inconnections where you're always
feeling like you're giving moreof yourself than you're
receiving?
I really think it's time youlook at not just leaving the
table, but realizing, even inyour next connection.
If you don't gain someunderstanding of how important
this is, the same shit's gonnahappen.
(18:16):
My 25 year pattern list in thecode has been cracked and now
that I'm aware, I know exactlywhere I need to start.
So, if you're also wondering, Iwant you to focus on these three
things.
One, when you go into arelationship, know what you want
.
When you know, you grow and Ireally seriously want you to
(18:39):
write them down what isimportant to you?
The second thing is talk toyour partner about what that
looks like.
It's important for them tounderstand what your needs are,
and this may not happen in oneconversation because, if I'm
being honest, we can saywhatever the hell we want to say
.
It's the third thing, that'sthe most important.
(19:02):
It's how you enforce thosethings that you say are
important to you, those thingsthat you say that you need.
Remember a boundary isn't aboutcreating walls for keeping
people out or for controllingpeople.
That's manipulation.
Boundaries are the limits andrules that we set for ourselves
in relationships.
(19:22):
These boundaries help us feel amore physical and emotional
comfort.
It helps give us a sense ofempowerment and self-respect.
It reduces codependent habits.
It provides clarity for how youwant to be treated in a
connection.
If not, then you continue tochoose to allow your boundaries
(19:44):
to go unchecked.
My question is why is that?
Why do you feel like you haveto love hard when the truth is,
baby, you're hardly lovingyourself.
Thank you, thank you.
(20:12):
Thank you for spending timewith me today.
If this episode has fed yourspirit and increased your love
frequency, please rate andreview us on Apple Podcast,
spotify or whatever you listento podcasts.
Go ahead and do it now.
Boo, don't worry, I'll wait,and be sure to come back next
week where I explain to you howI saved my life by changing my
(20:37):
screensaver, and you can too.
Until next time, this is yourhost, naya, reminding you to set
and enforce healthy boundariesso we can stop repeating the
same damn patterns, because whenyou know, you grow.
I love you.
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